Stories of Lola Scott;'Warning: Product Recall'{Lola Scott}( MF, anal 
)[1 of 1] 
Do not Copy me its not nice!
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Warning/ Product Recall
By Anonymous
I need to write this down so that I don't get lucky enough 
to not remember some day.  I am not sure if this is a 
punishment or not.   I am not sure how it began really but 
it starts one night when my heart hurt and I was lonely.  
All these nights were like that, I was lonely afraid, 
angry, they were all the same.  I am out to get something 
would never get from the way that I sought it out.
Why my ex didn't want me back, I didn't know then.  I still 
thought that we would always be together.  I left work 
dressed and wearing makeup.  It was Saturday, my college 
Homecoming game was being played at the nearby field.  I 
could hear the roar of the crowd as I got into my car.  My 
heart aches, I wonder why I am not there, sitting on a 
blanket with Ex, cheering with them.  I drive to my best 
girl friends house.  I listen to happy love songs in the 
car on the way.  Girl is there with her friend, a guy who 
was in the army.   We decided to go out.  I begin drinking, 
fast and hard. It seems the more I drink the less I hurt, 
the less I feel anything.  I drink out of a cup in the car, 
on the way to the bar and to the party we eventually end up 
at.  I keep drinking feeling the cool liquid sooth my 
aching heart.  All of a sudden I feel alive, a feeling 
which I haven't felt since then.  But that night, the first 
night, I hadn't felt alive in a while either.  I felt 
beautiful which I know now was an illusion.  But at that 
time, at that moment, I was who I want to be beautiful, 
exotic, sexy. I wasn't a fat funny looking drunk girl.
The booze that I poured into my body made me forget for a 
few hours how much I hated myself.  I spoke words and felt 
my fingers do things to Army that I didn't think I would or 
could ever do.
I recall it in blurs.  I hear myself saying I wanted him.  
I really didn't, I wanted Ex, my love. The only man, who 
had ever touched me, felt my heart my beat.
He was the only one who knew that I was beautiful at one 
time.
At that moment though it was just Army and I kissing.
His lips were thin and his tongue uncoordinated with mine. 
When I realize he's kissing me back, I feel relived.  I 
feel my body loosing balance.  Am I falling? All I know is 
that I got his pants off, I begin to suck his cock which 
was very long, but thinner than Ex's.  It tasted the same.  
Army was thinner, taller, his hands didn't reach for me, 
but his sounds were louder clearer.  I recall him lying 
down with me. Its cold and wet the moon was out but it was 
cloudy. Were we under a tree?  Hidden?  I asked him what he 
wanted, he said he wanted to fuck me, I was surprised. I 
arbitrarily asked about a condom but I really didn't care 
if we used one or not. He said he would pull out. Fine by 
me.  I somehow kick off my pants. I think to my self, the 
second I stumble on to him the moment before he enters me 
that there is no going back. Ex will never want me now, and 
although I know that he didn't want me before this, the 
fact that I was sealing it, with my actions, brought me a 
sense of control.  Army is in me, I can't feel much I'm too 
drunk, I move on him.

Another guy from the party, who I kissed by 
the bon fire earlier that night, asked if he 
could join in, I
say no. I'm afraid suddenly.  I fear Army 
isn't there with me at the moment, that he's 
thinking of someone else I tell him to say 
my name, he does.  I still feel like he is 
far away.  The only thing that I recall him 
saying is "after this the neighbors are 
going to need a cigarette."  I fall off him 
giving up on making him cum that way, I 
expect him to get on top of me, like Ex 
would. Look at me while we fuck.  He but we 
were in the dirt.  It's a fucking party, at 
a stranger's house. I'm cold wet and dirty 
now.  He stands up, I suck his cock a little 
but my mouth is so dry that I cant.  He 
helps me find my panties.  He walks back in 
front of me I stumble after him.  I'm numb, 
I feel nothing no guilt no pain no pleasure.  
I feel nothing but the cottonmouth.
I told myself I would never have sex with 
anyone unless I was in love after Army.   I 
really meant it.  A few days later I make 
this resolution I find myself being fucked 
by a little man half my size.  The lights 
were on my shame unhidden in front of him.  
I lay there faking sounds as he rams his 
cock in me. My soul floats away from my body 
for a moment and from their look down at 
myself.  I can't believe that it's me down 
there.  I want to stay separated from my 
body, I feel free away from it.  I think of 
how once I looked so beautiful naked, how I 
wasn't ashamed.   I am back in my body. I 
stare up at the ceiling tears in my eyes, 
which I could attribute to my drunkenness.  
I think to myself.  How the fuck did I get 
here? Who is this?  I am not even attracted 
to him, why am I here?  I had let him touch 
my thigh, thought nothing of it.  Three of 
us were in bed.  Cousin the girl he really 
wanted to fuck is next to me.  He is on my 
other side.  Cousin, beautiful, pure, thin, 
and angelic falls gently to sleep.
Little's hand quickly moves up my thigh. He 
beings to finger me harder than I am used 
to. I am shocked and flattered.  I can't 
believe someone else actually is drunk 
enough to fuck me.  I begin to stroke his 
cock, it's hard and in my memories seems 
beautiful. We sneak out of the room away 
from Cousin, saying were going to smoke.  We 
go the empty damp basement.  We kiss he is a 
great kisser and I wonder how people are 
taught that.
I wonder if I'm a good kisser?  He says he 
doesn't have any protection, neither do I 
but were fucking already. He never cums, 
neither do I.  Were too drunk.  He fist 
fucks me.  It hurts so badly but I am not 
saying anything, just faking pleasure like I 
do confidence.  I think of Ex and I hate 
him.  I try not to think of how he and I 
made love in the little bed diagonal to the 
one that Little is fucking me on now.  Ex 
made love to me slowly kissing me touching 
me, whispering his love for me in my ears as 
he came.  I remember the sounds of redwings 
loosing to the avalanche upstairs as we made 
love.  I remember his climax, his pulling 
out of me, the gray daylight seemed to 
illuminate his body.  I felt like a woman 
complete and beautiful, giving him 
satisfaction seemed my greatest gift.  Not 
now though, I was on the dirty basement 
carpet fat and ugly.
Little fucking me with his diamond hard 
cock.  I'm still starring at the ceiling. 
Who am I?  Why am I doing this? Aren't I 
smarter?  No, I'm not, cause I let him fuck 
me again in the morning.
Three weeks later, I drink too much again, 
but what else is new. I drink cause I'm 
nervous, I drink cause
I'm scared. I drink because I don't know 
what else to do.   I hate being around new 
people. I hate them looking at me knowing 
I'm fat.  I hate knowing that I'm fat.  I 
hate knowing my chin sticks out, and I'm 
single and have failed out of college.  I 
know that when I'm not drinking I can feel 
new people looking at me, and I'm sure they 
know I'm a total failure.  Drinking doesn't 
help me from not knowing now, but it does 
usually dull the knowledge a little.  The 
uppers and this 12 pack will make me act 
like I am fearless.   But tonight, it wasn't 
enough.  No matter how much cold alcohol I 
push past my lips and moves down my throat 
travels swiftly down esophagus, into my 
stomach, diffuses through that organs semi-
permeable membranes into my blood stream, it 
will never be enough for  me to fogett.  
Tonight I'm still me, tonight my reality 
won't go away.  I'm disoriented, but also 
jealous and nervous.  I know that both of 
these guys, guys I would have never in a 
million years let touch me weeks ago, are 
eyeing Girl.  I know that one is sad because 
he is stuck with me.  I decide to let Girl 
have some alone time with her guy friend.  
It's just an excuse for me to feel some sort 
of affection.  I drag the annoying little 
troll into the darkness of a bedroom.  He 
kisses me, which I like but am not turned on 
by really. His skin is cold in some places 
hot in others.  I find him repulsive.  But 
I'm wet.  We were watching porn earlier. I'm 
always wet.  My body was trained by Ex to 
prepare itself whenever he was around.  Now 
without Ex my body goes on auto mode 
whenever any man is around. My body doesn't 
know I think that this guy is an annoying 
troll.  Fuck it, I think, I'm not doing 
anything else, might as well get off with 
someone else's around.  I pull of his pants 
and his cock is so small I'm horrified.  I 
suck it, he's rough with me and I like it.  
I say he can't fuck me, half heartily.  He 
tells me how bad he wants my pussy. I like 
how he says pussy. .  Suddenly he's in me 
and I let him, it doesn't feel good, but not 
bad.  I make him wear a condom but it falls 
off his little shriveled cock.  I let him 
fuck me with out it.  I like how he talks 
dirty to me.  Ex would have never done that, 
never been rough with me. I let Troll fuck 
my ass first.  Sort of my own compromise to 
him not wearing a condom.  Yea fuck my ass 
not my pussy it seemed to sound more 
reasonable that way.  He eventually fucks 
them both.  He cums several times pulling, 
clawing at me smacking my ass.  I pretend 
I'm someone else.  I pretend he's someone 
else.  Troll moves over me, to small, to 
weak, to cold.  I pretend he is someone 
else, I wont admit it is Ex, but its someone 
who's hands are warm on me.  Kissing me 
slowly, filling me deeply.   I feel myself 
turning and turning in ecstasy spinning out 
of control in my drunken illusion.  Reality 
hits hard, after I'm done.  Little Troll is 
still there, fucking me. Reality bites into 
me tearing my flesh. My shame and my fears 
are pulling at my eyelids. I want to scream.  
I want to cry.  I want to beat this little 
Troll bastard up for thinking he could fuck 
me.  But I don't, I fuck him more. I let in 
cum in my mouth.  His seamen tastes cold and 
weak, it's like water.  I swallow it.  Ex's 
was thick hot heavy and the taste was so 
over powering.  He falls asleep next to me.  
He falls asleep playing with my nipples 
sleeping naked.  I want to take the lamp of 
the dresser and break it over his head, but 
I don't.  I feel like getting sick and I 
know it's not from the drinking.  I
get up and take a shower, I scrub him off of 
me.  I hate his smell, it's not bad but I 
still hate it. I notice the bruises all over 
my breasts and hips.  I put layers of 
clothing on.  I contemplate sleeping on the 
couch.  He snores. I want to kill him, but 
who cares its just sex. Fuck him.
I'm at the bar.  Earlier two paths were 
placed in front of me.  One was safe, and 
comforting.  It was more of a road than a 
path.   A perfect paved road well lit that 
let back to Girls house.  There I would have 
slept restlessly, but woken up in my 
familiar guest bed.  The other, path, the 
one I chose, was dark.   Unpaved, dusty, 
mysterious and scary.  A two-track path in 
the middle of a foreboding forest with trees 
that grew twisted and angry. I had been down 
that path a lot lately.  To its frightening 
appeal I couldn't resist, this time was no 
exception either. I drank to much as usual 
scamming with Girl.  I should have my fat 
ass in bed. I'm trying to fit in.  I would 
never be caught in this place in a million 
years.  But I'm drunk, I smile make random 
eye contact.  Pretend I'm not fat and 
freakish and sitting alone at a table for 
five.  I drink more but I still know they 
know I'm fat. The smile is plastered on my 
face.  Look available I think finishing my 
drink starting another.  How many have I 
had?  I'm not sure, I better drink some 
more.  I'm wearing sneakers, and it freaks 
me out.  I look for someone anyone.  Who 
wants to fuck?  I wanna fuck!  Can they tell 
I've lost my soul?  Do I look like I have no 
soul?  Do they know?  I eye a guy, when 
looking at him I think of John Deer tractor 
commercials, which I'm not sure exist or if 
I've ever seen one.  Girl is out in the 
parking lot dry humping John Deer's pal a 
guy with a truck.  I devise a drunken plot.  
I know Girl is fine, but I stumble over to 
where John Deer is standing and ask if my 
girl safe with Truck.  As I slur this 
another friend of his takes a cheep feel at 
my breast. The friends touch echo's through 
my body, I'd fuck him too.  John Deer 
whispers in my ear that Truck a nice guy not 
to worry.  I wasn't in the first place.  In 
fact John Deer should worry about Girl doing 
something to Truck.   Contact was made, I 
return t o the table. I'm alone with Truck 
in his truck.   Girl fears I'll freak out 
and not follow her back to his house, so she 
has strategically placed me in a no escape 
location for transport.  She shouldn't worry 
its not like we've never done this.  She is 
my car with John Deer.  Truck guy comments 
on my tits, I ignore him and complement his 
fine child safety seat in his back seat.  
Girl and I switch cars after two stops, 
apparently she senses I'm about to be 
molested.  To drunk to drive I get in the 
car with John deer.  I change CDs ten times 
as I nervously ramble on about sexual 
things.  I tell him I don't like country 
music, you can't fuck to it.  John Deer says 
he'll show me that you can.  I know there 
won't be music but I do know he'll show me.
We get out at Trucks house. Its icy cold 
outside, I feel the bite of it on my skin, 
but I don't really feel the cold.  Girl and 
Truck disappear into a bedroom that has a 
water bed and deer antlers on the wall.  I 
am left alone.  John Deer and I sit on a 
love seat we make arbitrary conversations 
for two seconds, I wonder why he thinks he 
needs to talk.  He begins to kiss me, it was 
mutual, I knew I was there to fuck he was 
to.  He tastes like the bar, but I get used 
to it.  He leans
in, his body weight is on me.  I like it, 
he's gentle. Once again my switch is turned 
my body goes on auto mode and my legs wrap 
around him.  He kisses my neck I feel like 
I'm on fire. Truck interrupts, standing 
naked in the living room, stroking himself.  
He's looking for a condom, there in my car.  
Truck leaves.  I don't recall how it 
happened but John Deer undresses.  I take 
off his pants, I actually asked if it was 
okay, of course it was.  He pulls his shirt 
off, I like the way he did it, and he looked 
so happy and excited.  He asks why girl and 
I don't worry about catching something.  I 
hear my self-saying that its not that were 
not worried, it's just that were not afraid.  
I wonder to my self at that moment if I 
actually believe it.  I begin to suck his 
cock. He pulls my sweater undershirt and bra 
over my head in one graceful motion. I'm 
impressed. His hands feel so amazing on my 
skin.  I suck his cock he moans softly, 
touching my back. I like his cock, its nicer 
than Trolls, it seems to comfort me.  John 
Deer's hands rub my neck, it feels so good, 
and my skin seems to be climaxing with out 
me.  Somehow now I'm on the floor, telling 
him not to undo my pants.  He licks my 
nipples. I watch him his tongue is 
beautiful.  I tell him I cant have sex with 
him, I gave it up for the new year.  He says 
okay.  I let him undo my pants but I 
continue to protest, but I let him take them 
off.  I try to fight it but he begins to 
lick me.
Ex went down on me all the time, making me 
cum hard, smiling lovingly touching me 
comforting me.  I recall rubbing his big 
strong back when he came in me, my head 
resting in-between his neck and beautiful 
shoulders. The comfort of his smell, his 
touch.
 John Deer expertly fingers me while he uses 
his tongue.  He feels so good, but I'm 
afraid.  I'm way too vulnerable like this.  
This was the last thing Ex and I had that 
was all ours, his mouth on me, and now like 
the years I wasted with ex, it was gone to.  
Again with no protection I have sex.   John 
Deer fucks me, it feels so good.  He makes 
me go slow and he's so gentle. When I let 
him in me the first time I slide down onto 
him, his strong hands pushed me down on to 
him. He feels so good I think I might die, 
suddenly I feel my self explode, we both cry 
out softly.  It feels to good, 
intoxicatingly good, I'm shaking.  He's 
afraid he cant hold back pull outs. His skin 
was so soft, his body hard and strong like 
his hands.  I'm not sure where they were all 
the time, but they felt good.  He keeps 
making me go slow down, I'm confused.  He 
fucks me in odd positions and kisses my 
hands and face as he moves in me.  I feel my 
insides turning again and again, he feels 
good he's so gentle.  He holds me tight 
kisses me softly when were through, pulling 
me close when I try to get away.  I feel 
like letting go but I wont.  I fuck him 
again and then again.  As I sober up, I 
begin to realize the reality off the 
situation. Were in the living room of 
someone's mom's house.  The carpet is shag 
and itchy.  I get dressed, I wake Girl up. 
Truck snores loud.  We leave quickly John 
Deer says nothing to me.   We don't even say 
good bye.  I know it meant nothing.   It was 
nothing.  I know that the dead have no 
feelings.
Girl and I are on the prowl again.  When 
were `scamming' were using fake names now.  
Tensions are rising its 1 am and we are 
having very little luck. Across from us are 
two men.  One Mexican the other a
country hick, a wannabe bad ass.  Girl looks 
at me, I know what she's thinking.  Yea 
whatever I think, they'll do.  We start to 
work.  We smile, and play the game like the 
professionals that we are.   Oh how cool we 
seem as they try to hide there sexual 
intentions during normal introductions.  
They both want to fuck Girl, she's normal 
sized and beautiful.  As the moments pass 
and Mexican and Wannabe continue to talk, I 
realize that I'd rather fuck the wall than 
either of these two morons.  Girl is into 
Mexican, of course, because he's much better 
looking than Wannabe. Wannabe tries to win 
girl by showering her with compliments, I 
laugh because I know all Girl wants is 
Mexicans cock.
I sit in the corner drinking harder hoping 
that I'll get drunk enough to start thinking 
that these guys were somewhat cool.  What am 
I doing here?  What if my dad walks in?  
What is Ex doing?  Why isn't the booze 
kicking in?  We go to their house.  I am not 
drunk enough.  Wannabe's inability to 
realize that Girl is going to fuck Mexican 
annoys me.  By now he should realize he is 
stuck with me.  I begin to get bored and 
bitchy.  I take some more uppers and feel 
more like fucking.  The four of us watch 
porn.  I sit far away from Wannabe because 
every time he speaks I want to punch him in 
his head.  Mexican hassles me about not 
paying attention to his boy. I tell him not 
to worry about it.  Girl explains to Wannabe 
that since he's been all up on her shit all 
night her sister (me) doesn't want to be 
second pick.  Its true but I'm used to being 
second pick to Girl now.  A long time ago, I 
was first choice but that's over now.  
Mexican and Wannabe try to make excuses 
sayings were crazy.  I wonder if they 
actually think I give a fuck what they think 
about me.  Mexican and Girl go.  Wannabe 
comes 
and sits with me.  He's already on my 
nerves.  My  jeanclad leg is on his lap, he 
put it there.  He's touching me.  I let him.  
Although I hate him and find him repulsive, 
his touch sets me o n fire.  I damn my body, 
why won't it knock this off?  He kisses me, 
as if proving something by it. He stops and 
looks at me says something.  Does he want me 
to fucking applaud him?  I suck his cock, 
it's tiny like the Trolls.  Trolls

wasn't even this bad, in fact I'd have been 
happy to see Troll instead of this freak.  
He gives good head, but I don't want to let 
him make me cum.  I let him try to fuck me, 
it's less personal.  It's awful. I want to 
push him off me, and stab him over and over 
with the knife I saw in the kitchen when I 
went to take more uppers.  I let him try 
and fuck me up the ass, he's to small there 
no point.  I'm still to sober to do this, I 
think.  I drink more, take more uppers.  
Nothing, Wannabe is still a freak.  I'm 
still a freak.  He tries to tell me he's a 
Hells Angle, right and I'm Kermit the frog.  
Great I think, not only is he a wannabe bad 
ass, but also wannabe old nasty broken down 
biker guy.  I want to run away, but I 
don't.  I wonder again how I came to this.  
I take more uppers and four or five of some 
type of prescription drug, it could be 
muscle relaxers or painkillers, I know its 
in the Valium/Xanax family from my days as 
a good student.  What ever they are it 
doesn't really matter does it?  I let him 
try to fuck me again.  I ride him and while 
he sits there thinking he's actually giving 
me pleasure I think about John Deer. His 
gentle hands, the way he kissed my face my 
hands.  His strong body pulling me closer 
to him as he moved him me.  I open my eyes 
its still Wannabe. He
cums. I get up, fuck this.  I get Girl out 
of bed with Mexican.  We stumble out the 
door.  Despite my best efforts I'm still 
stone sober.  The sun is coming up, Girl 
and I get drive through breakfast.  There 
she discovers she accidentally took money 
from Mexican.  A lot of money.  It was an 
honest mistake, but fuck it we think, let's 
keep for tonight.   We get home I lay in 
girls guest bed.  I'm done with this I 
think I myself, that was it.  That was the 
bottom.  I'm done.
No more drinking,  I am  getting my life 
back.  Wannabe was rock bottom.  I thank 
God I survived all my selfdestruction, and 
decide to move on.  I'm really doing it 
this time.
A week I find myself in my bed 3am on a 
Tuesday night starring at my calendar 
trying to recall dates of my last period.  
Something is wrong.  It's unthinkable for 
to be pregnant.  I add days and estimate.  
Fuck it I have to work early.  I roll over 
and close my eyes and imagine my night with 
John Deer.  I hate Ex, I wish he were dead.  
He and his fat ugly girlfriend.  I'm 
fatter.  I want to scream, but I sleep.
There are two lines.  Why are there two 
lines? This is wrong.  I bought this test, 
it was supposed to put my mind at ease.  
It's supposed to be negative, telling me 
like always, that I'm late because I'm 
stressed.  I'm not pregnant.  I'm not.  
There are two lines. I'm imagining things.  
I call my roommate.  I ask her if she sees 
two lines. She does.  This is a sick 
mistake. Roommate goes to the store to get 
more pregnancy tests. I call school friend, 
she is at the store, and she's run into 
Roommate, who's filled her in.  She's on 
her way over.  I call Girl, I need support, 
and I need comfort.  Girl says I'm not 
pregnant not to worry.  I'm not worried I'm 
not pregnant.
Three tests later, two lines, four lines, 
and pink dots.  All positives.  This isn't 
funny. This isn't right, I'm not pregnant.  
My mind races, a flash of John Deer as he 
came washes over me, he pulled out, I felt 
it hit my back.  He pulled me close to him 
kissing me stroking my skin.  The second 
time, I'm about to cum again, he pulled out 
moaning softly.  I'm not pregnant. I can't 
have a kid. I'm not ready I'm to fat to 
stupid to hurt too angry.  This isn't 
happening. This isn't me.  Friend and 
Roommate look at me, not knowing what to 
say.  Friend sits next to me, I begin to 
cry.  This isn't how it's supposed to be.  
I know what I have to do but I hate to do 
it.  Friend holds me, comforts me, Roommate 
tries not to cry.  They warned me, they 
told me not to, I knew better too, but it 
didn't stop me.
I sit up and dry my eyes.  I look up 
Planned Parenthood.  There is no number, I 
look under clinics, nothing.  Frustrated I 
give the book to Friend.  She looks up 
abortion there is page after page of ads.  
I know she doesn't want to but she hands 
the phone book back to me.  I write down 
four numbers.  I'll call in the morning.
The office looks informal, like college 
kids put it together. A woman I hope is a 
nurse in jeans and sneakers give me an 
ultrasound.  I want this to stop to end.  
I'm early, 3 weeks.  I can't believe I'm 
relieved.  It isn't  Trolls.  But I already 
knew that it was John Deer's.  During the 
ultrasound I stare at the ceiling wishing.  
I wish I were 25, with a job, a
healthy mind and body, a home and health 
insurance so I could have this baby alone. 
I wish Ex were sitting next to me, his eyes 
wide as he searches the little screen for 
his first look at our first baby.  I wish I 
were anything but what I am now.  But I m 
not.   I'm here alone my eyes glued to the 
cheap cork ceiling.  I'm praying that this 
is just a nightmare, the screen facing away 
from me.  I hear nothing.  My soul leaves 
my body again, looking down at me in 
disbelief.  This is the price you pay?   
Was it worth it?  I thought you were better 
than this?  You had so much potential, now 
look at you.  You're this?  The nurse asks 
me if I'm all right, I tell her I'm fine.  
I am really.  I wish I was dead, but I'm 
not, so other than that I'm fine.
A nurse explains to me my options.  She's 
beautiful, I could have been her once, hell 
I could have been her boss, but not now.  
She doesn't look me in the eyes. Have I 
considered my options?  Yes, I want it 
gone.  I want my child gone. I wont make it 
pay for my mistakes. Tomorrow, its tomorrow 
and it will be a little pill that's it. 
Over.
Girl's evil older brother is having a baby 
with his too young girlfriend.  Girl tells 
me this on the day, I am to take a little 
pill that will correct my mistakes. It so 
easy, just pay and all is forgiven.  Evil 
and Too Young are having their baby 
together.  There idiots.  I could raise a 
baby better than they could.  I know that 
they should not have a baby, but they are.  
They have each other.  They are together, 
and that is so much more than what I have.  
Too Young doesn't have to stand in the 
shower, in the morning with white light 
coming in over the water.  She doesn't have 
to ask herself if there is any part of her 
that wants this baby.  Too young doesn't 
have to do this, and I do.  I find nothing 
in me that says I want my baby.
I wish things were different.   I wish I 
knew who John
Deer was.  I wish I knew I f he was a good 
man. I wish he knew the old me, the woman 
who Ex loved.  Who I loved.  Who was 
amazing and smart and wouldn't have fucked 
ever a stranger on itchy shag carpet on a 
Tuesday night.  I wish my baby would have a 
mother who was healthy and didn't hate 
herself.  I wish that my baby's mother was 
the real me lean, strong, healthy happy.  
But my baby's mother is me.  I'm here alone 
in this waiting room alone, fat, ugly, 
hateful, bitter and angry, with stringy 
hair. I find my self starring into faces of 
girls younger than me there with their boy 
friends.  The boyfriends stare at me and 
wonder who was so drunk that they knocked 
fat ugly me up.  I wish Ex hadn't left me, 
that this baby was his.  I know that 
although my baby was not in our plans, Ex 
wouldn't let me destroy him.  Yes I said 
him.
I sit in my car, it's a beautiful day.  Its 
and hour before I leave for the clinic I 
cry and bang my head on the steering wheel.  
I'm wishing that I had someone, anyone, 
like Too Young has Evil.  So at least my 
baby wouldn't have only me to count on.  
I'm jealous that stupid flaky Too Young 
gets to have her baby and I don't.  I wish 
for a million different things, but I'm 
still there, alone in my dirty car on a 
beautiful winter morning tears streaming 
down my face, in front of my apartment.  
Wishing that I wasn't going to have to do 
this.  I was better than this, this isn't 
me.
I sign the paper, I am handed a little cup.  
The pill is yellow with a line in it, 
writing.  My mind searches for any sign of 
protest. Speak now, or forever hold your 
peace, says the priest in my head. Do I 
want this? I take the pill drink the water.  
I do, no going back now.
I come home I don't cry.  I don't feel 
anything.   I feel alone, like everything 
is empty.  Its like everything is pulled 
off the walls, all bleached white. 
Stripped, like my uterus will be after this 
pill is done.  It will be over soon.
At the last check up the doctor comes in 
shows me an ultra sound of my empty uterus.  
With exaggerated enthusiasm he tells me 
that I did very well, and it's all gone. Am 
I supposed to jump up and down?  Get out my 
dancing shoes? I thank him, but all he did 
was give me a paper to sign.  It didn't 
hurt as much as I thought it was.  It was 
too easy.  So easy, no pain little guilt.  
I begin to bleed.  I say good bye to my 
baby.  I think it will come back when I am 
ready, I will be ready someday.  Sometimes 
I see myself with my baby my son, Jackson. 
He looks like me and is eternally three 
years old.  He looks like John Deer a 
little. I can't picture John Deer's face, 
so in my head my son has features of some 
beautiful fantasy man. I emptied him from 
my body, but my soul kept him close.  I 
made my choice, truthfully I did the right 
thing.   It was so easy.  I feel like 
nothing has changed sometimes. Pain, I 
can't feel.  I'm numb, but I ache.
I write this down because it was too easy, 
too easy to start over.  It wasn't supposed 
to be like this.  It was like this though.  
I try to stop thinking about it. I try to 
do what I always did.  No thinking, just 
doing.  Doing put me here.  I destroyed my 
baby.  I did what I had to.  I can't forget 
him though.  No more drugs. No more men.  
No more booze.  Roommate and Friend try to 
tell me to separate from Girl.  I know they 
have a point, but it wasn't girl who made 
me fuck everyone I met.  It was me.  Me, 
Trying to escape.  Me, Escaping the pain 
cause that just caused more.  Ex will never 
come back, and I will still hurt.  I know 
that I am worth more than I think I am, but 
if I know this why don't I believe it?
Its 2 weeks later, I found the purple cap 
of one of the four pregnancy tests. I held 
it in my hand.  My mind raced.  I  Think OF 
HOW I went so easily from someone I had 
some respect for, to a person that I have 
no respect for.  I hold the purple cap that 
was my last call, my final warning.  The 
cap in my hand is from the test that from 
which I made a decision to destroy my baby.  
Holding it I know  I did the right thing. 
I'm not ashamed of my choice, just my 
actions and thoughts that lead up to the 
creation of Jackson.  I held the cap in my 
hand tightly.  I can forget I can't go 
back. Mistakes are lessons this one I don't 
want to repeat.
I write Jackson's name on the cap and the 
date that I took the little yellow pill 
that cast him out of me.  I put it into my 
box and sat down and wrote this. From time 
to time I read it again, adding things I 
remember as time goes on. I can't forget.  
It's too easy.  I won't let myself forget 
about what lead me here.  I know I made my 
bed, I laid in it.  I bled in it cried in 
it and suffered in it.  Parts of me died in 
it.

Anything bad I did to Ex, I know I've done 
worse to myself now.  Ex and I are even 
now. I know that I got the raw deal.  
Hurting yourself can make the pain from 
others seem like nothing.  Wrongs you do 
to yourself are far more horrible than 
wrongs others do to you. The consequences 
are greater, and harder.  I can't forget 
this.  No matter how easy it would be to.  
I won't.
