Title: Diary, 1
Author: Kael
Keywords: nosex

comments may be sent to kaelsmith12@yahoo.com

I'm sad.  I want to cry, to see something beautiful, to kiss someone I love.  I don't want to be a whore, but I can't face a relationship.  What am I supposed to do?  I can smell a freshly-peeled orange and taste blood in my mouth.  What does that mean?  I know they're all broken, but I care about them all, and I don't know how to fix them.  They need commitment and time, but I seem determined to help them all with a tight hug or warm kiss on a lonely night.  Soon, I will lose myself, and I don't even think I'm afraid of that happening.  I can't see the future...will I even be back here next semester?  I sincerely hope so.  I love so many people here, and like with Z and F, I know if I never see them again that their lives will haunt me.  I'll always be wondering how they are, whether they're happy yet.  I seem to be that poor clown from Prof's joke.  I can be cheerful for anyone, but when am I happy?  On the surface, I am, but when I get in moods like this, the world seems so big.  Just sitting in front of this building, I could see so many people, learn so much about life.  Imagine an entire globe of human life.  It's overwhelming, and no one can ever comprehend all of it.  It paralyzes me; I don't know which paths to follow or what my true ambitions are.  I'm afraid that to find out, I'll have to get as low as possible and work my way up.  I don't particularly want that to happen.  I'm afraid of P.  He's sad in a different way from E, but he likes me in a different way too.  Although, I could just be vain saying that.  He's told me he doesn't like relationships any more than I do.  Hopefully that's true.  I wanted to hug him today.  It felt so good leaning on his shoulder with his arm around me.   I want that all the time. I desperately wanted R to hug me too, but he didn't.  Oh well.  Fuck this shit man, I need cigarettes.  I hate being angry.

comments may be sent to kaelsmith12@yahoo.com