Obligatory Intro

  

    Well, I've read a million of these intros and I don't know what to write. I'm drawing a blank.  I knew what I wanted to say when I was creating this whole thing and now that the time is here, I can't pull the trigger.  Ironic that this hesitation and vacuum here mirrors my real life situation.

    Let me explain a little first. I'm divorced and have a wonderful daughter.  I only get her every other weekend which is good and bad at the same time.  I get to work overtime on weekends, which helps me do more things for her that I wouldn't normally be able to do.  But it really sucks in that I don't get to have a normal family, or father/daughter relationship with her.  I'm an after thought, especially with her mother and her new step father.  My plans are always a non-issue and I am often left scrambling around, or just cancelling my plans completely.

    I've been divorced for several years now and my little girl is now a beautiful teenager. She still comes over on her weekends with me usually, but I've learned not to make plans that are too concrete when it comes to her now.  She has friends she likes to hang out with and more places that she able able to go to now and I just have to be content to watch her grow up from a distance.

    She's grown into a beautiful young woman and she was always a sweetheart and I had a feeling she'd grow into a heart breaker someday.  I just didn't know I was the one who would be broken hearted.  She found a place in my heart several years ago when she was younger and more innocent.  I have myself to blame for that and it kills me to think of what I have done or allowed her to do more specifically.  I read all these stories of how girls were molested and abused younger and how their lives were such a mess now and I find myself hoping I didn't turn my daughter into a future basket case when she gets older.

    No, I did NOT molest her!  Get that straight right now!  I did not force her into anything she did not want to do.  In a lot of situations, she wanted to do it, or she initiated and sort of looked to me after for forgiveness.  As if I could stay mad at her or even harbor any ill thought towards her, especially since I was the cause of her behaviour in the first place.

    I've tried to come clean and seek absolution.  I work in a church.  I know when confession is yet when I go there, I can never bring myself to open my mouth to get the words out.  It doesn't matter if I hide behind the curtain, the words get stuck in my chest and I can feel myself choking on the sentence.

    Things have changed between us considerably.  Things like how we were then, to how we were while it was happening, and even how things are now.  Neither one of us bothers to close the bathroom door when she's over.  At this point, there's no reason too.  Neither of us will think twice or hesitate to walk around naked.  I let her wear clothes that are probably too short or revealing for a girl her age, but again, I am the last person to say anything at this point.

    I'll go into the details in different posts to help clarify things, for now, I am trying to keep this as an introduction of sorts.  As I've said before, I've tried to confess my sins to a priest, but it just won't happen, even anonymously.  So I chose the next best thing.  Anonymous on the internet, well, as anonymous as one can be here.  Maybe I can confess my sins here and get a little peace of mind. 
