                         One Slip - A Hard Fall
                              copyright by Joesephus

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Synopsis: This is a conclusion for Patricia51's story "One Slip." I
think this story will almost stand on it's own, but it is intended to
be read after you read her story.

The question is, "Can a 15 year old marriage survive the wife cheating,
even if it was a one time slip?"

Donna doesn't want her marriage to end ... can she save it and what
will it cost each of them, and their three children.

Codes: MF no-sex slow rom 1st het cheat

This story is based on Patrica51's version of a story with the same name.
I have the author's permmission to write this ending.

You will need to read his version for this story to make sense.  It can be
found free on many sites.  ASSTR.ORG rules don't allow me to advertise so
I don't think I can actually name them.  If you do a search for this 
Title and my pen name, Joesephus, you should find them.


This story was written with MS Word.  I used things like bold and italics
to make dialogue more understandable.  Those were lost when I converted 
this to TXT format.  If you wish to read the version with the formats
You can find them posted on other sites.  I would suggest you search 
for the title and Joesephus.



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Chapter 1: Steve's Response



When Donna walked through the door, Steve blinked. And then he blinked
again. The first blink was caused by his surprise at seeing her there;
the second was caused by her expression.

Something about the way she held herself erect and the quivering chin
made him think of death and firing squads. Steve's testicles retracted
in fear. The hair on the back of his neck stood at attention, as he
waited for Donna to try to form words. The tension crackled. He started
to stand, to rush to take her in his arms but something about her body
language froze his muscles as solidly as the first time he'd been
forced to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Involuntarily voicing
his greatest fear, he asked softly, "Are -- are the kids okay?"

"I cheated on you with Gil." she finally managed in a strained voice,
the name spat with incredible venom. Her eyes that had been darting
around the room dropped to the floor and Steve found himself,
incongruously, looking at her clenched hands and not at her face,
bravely defying tears.

Steve wondered how and why he was standing; he should have collapsed
with the rest of the world. Yet as he stood there, he marveled. He had
heard the words, understood what they meant, but he had no reaction to
them. Less than if she'd said 'it's about to rain.' Much less than if
she said, 'Someone dinged my car in the parking lot.' Nothing, there
was nothing there. Donna had just told him that his life was over and
he couldn't summon a response. His analytical rear brain searched for a
clue that the body lived. Yes, air was being taken into his lungs, his
eyes registered a woman in front of him, and his ears heard that
"entity" make a sound, a sound that his fore brain identified as a
forlorn sob. Could a human make a sound like that? A sound so desolate
that his humanity demanded that he offer solace to a soul so tormented.

"He's trying to blackmail me with these pictures to make me into a -- a
-- a whore."

Steve blinked, then blinked again as the images falling from her hand
seemed to freeze in mid air like one of those trick scenes in the
movies. It seemed he examined those horrid images for a lifetime, for
an eternity. Then, his mind sought some way to retreat from those
intolerable images. Some way to destroy them. Unable to deal with the
reality being presented, the primeval portion of Steve's personality
sought a way to change reality. Overloaded with stimuli, his
personality assumed a certain duality.

The civilized portion of Steve's brain continued to seek a modern
solution, an acceptable way to change this unwelcome new reality. The
primitive portion already had its solution -- Gil's continued existence
was no longer desirable. Removing him would remove one source of the
pain. As Steve marched past the "entity" sobbing in his office, the
civilized porting of his brain was horrified to hear himself say, to
Darlene, "Call your brother, tell him to send the coroner to Gil's
office. Tell him to take his time. I'll kill anyone who tries to stop
me, so don't rush."

The "entity," that had been his wife tried to restrain him. It clung to
his arm pleading with him. The sight of it disgusted him. The primitive
considered removing the entity from the living too. The civilized brain
recognizing that it was losing all control, fought determined rear guard
action and he only said softly, "Get out." His voice now so cold it
would shatter steel like glass

The unsatisfied primitive brain issued a Parthian shot. "If I ever see
you or hear you've been around my kids I'll make you wish you'd never
been born!"

Shrugging off the sobbing entity, he marched to his truck. As he got
in, he reached into the well between the seats and retrieved his
licensed 9mm Glock. As Steve checked its function, it felt good in his
hand. Starting his beat-up pickup, he began the five-minute journey to
his former best friend's office.

It was the utterly mundane act of stopping for a red light that allowed
Steve's civilized brain time to re-gain control. A simple question asked
the primitive stumped it. For which of Gil's offenses was Steve going to
spend the rest of his life in prison? Was it because he was trying to
blackmail his wife into whoredom? Or, was it the images that had fallen
from Donna's hand? Images of her with Gil's cock in her mouth. Of her on
her back on Gil's desk, her legs spread lewdly, her neck muscles
straining as she absorbed his cock. Or the images that showed her need,
her desire? Her love? His mind shied, unable to deal with those
images... yet.

As the light turned green, Steve pulled over and began to think. Both
portions of his brain now united in a desire for vengeance, but not at
the cost of a life in jail. In a civilized world revenge required
acting not in heat but in cold blood. Sitting there, thinking,
planning, Steve's blood ran very cold indeed.

Reexamining the images seared forever in his brain, he realized that
the images were stills from several different security cameras. Gil's
new office had been set up to surreptitiously record events. It would
be poetic justice indded.

Two minutes after he re-started his truck, he pulled up to Gil's
office, in total control, knowing what he was going to do. He made sure
no one could see the gun under his shirt as he waltzed past Gil's
secretary. Gil was doing something behind his desk as Steve kicked the
door open so hard it almost shattered as it hit the wall. The sound
reverberated through the now silent office like a rifle shot.

Stepping through, he closed it behind him. Pulling his gun he watched
as the blood drained from Gil's face. The sound urine hitting the
carpet was a precursor to the raw sewage smell as Gil's bowels
released.

Using a voice colder than liquid-nitrogen Steve said, "turn on your
cameras, I'm going to give you thirty seconds to make a tape for Nancy
and your kids before I settle this. If you do this like a man I'll make
it quick, otherwise I'm going to slowly make you regret the day you met
me."

Gil looked like a cartoon character as he skittered around his office
seeking some avenue of escape or shelter. Steve raised the gun. "If you
don't want to say goodbye to your kids, I'll make sure everyone knows
what a cowardly bastard you were."

Gil understood that making the recording would buy time, and time was
his only hope. The tape of Donna was right on top all the other tapes
he'd been gathering to get to safety in case Donna followed through on
her threat to go to the police. Keeping his hands in plain view, he
activated the system that had made him so much money. It was a simple
system, blackmail amateur women to provide sex for customers and then
blackmail those clients for more business. He couldn't believe that
Donna was destroying him, she'd always been a friend.

Desperately seeking gain a modicum of sympathy, and more time, Gil
began a tearful and manipulative farewell to his wife and kids. After a
little more than a minute, just as he hoped his ploy might work,
Steven's voice from coldest reaches of hell said, "Say goodbye. I'm
going to let it roll for a few seconds so they don't have to see the
rest if they don't want to."

Every remaining molecule of piss and shit flushed from Gil's body.
"Please," he stammered softly the word almost unrecognizable in his
terror-constricted voice. "Please I'll do anything."

Imp?ssibly, Steve's voice got even colder, "I might have been able to
forgive you cheating with Donna in a moment of hot passion but you
cold-bloodedly tried to turn my wife into a whore."

Sensing a possible escape Gil whined, "No, I'd never do that to Donna,
I just wanted her again. I love her, really I do."

Steve's voice now a few degrees colder than absolute zero said, "You're
not blackmailing other women for your business?"

Unable to deny it, with the evidence scattered on his desk, Gil,
clinging to the last tendrils of hope, tried a different approach. "No,
I do, I have a half dozen that's why I don't need Donna for that. Look,
I have the tapes of them right here. Donna's special. You know me. I'm
not like you. I can't keep it in my pants and Donna... I'm so sorry
Steve, really I just lost my head and then when she didn't want to
continue, I thought I could use the pictures. You can't blame me,
Donna's the finest woman I know, and I couldn't help myself."

Steve let a little incredulity seep into his voice and let the coldness
warm to merely artic. "You swear that's true, you swear your oath,
freely given like this was a court of law, in public where everyone can
hear that you didn't intend to blackmail Donna because you already had
enough women under control?"

Hope springing eternal, Gil began swearing by every value known to man.
He swore he'd say the same thing from the steps of the courthouse and
that he would do anything to make it right. He didn't even slow down as
he heard the sirens approach, and he was still in full confession mode
when the police announced their presence.

Steve's voice now cracked like a whip. "Gil, get your sorry ass out
there before I change my mind."

As Gil opened the door to his office to flee, Steve made sure that Gil
saw him hide the gun in Gil's desk. Rushing into the arms of the
police, Gil screeched, "He's hidden the gun in my desk, arrest him he's
trying to kill me." Steve turned to the officer and said in a clam
normal voice. "I think he's having a nervous breakdown. He called my
wife and said he was going to commit suicide, so I rushed over here
only to find him with my gun to his head."

Gil was frantic. "He's lying, I've got it all on tape he was going to
kill me, you can see it all..."

The deadly smile on Steve's face stopped Gil in mid word. He'd just
removed any chance that the tape he'd just made wouldn't be admissible
in his own trial. It was at that point that Mike, Darlene's brother
walked in. He took the tableau in at a glance and listened as his
sergeant recapped what had been said. Looking intently at Steve, he
said, "I'm going to have to arrest both of you, where's the gun?"

Steve looked completely relaxed and said, "I put it in his middle
drawer. It's unloaded, but I didn't want to make any of your guys
nervous. The rounds are in my truck. You're gonna want to see the
tape."

Mike still looking Steve in the eye said, "Darlene called and told me
what's going on. I told her to contact your lawyer, he should be here
any second. Is there anything you want to say before I read you your
rights?"

Steve returned the steely glare. "I'm not sure I committed any crime,
but I do know you have evidence on that tape he just volunteered that's
going to send this bag of shit to prison for a long time. All I ask is
that you make sure that if I make bail that bitch I married isn't
around. My kids shouldn't have to see what I think of her."

Because Darlene had been talking to him on his cell phone as he'd
rushed here, Mike understood that Steve was asking that the tape of his
wife disappear before his kids had to see it. Still there was so much
pain and hostility in that voice that Mike was tempted to say
something, but it didn't look like Steve was in any mood to hear it.

Four hours later Steve walked out of the jail looking for his truck.
Darlene and her husband Bill, one of Steve's site foremen, were beside
him. Bill had brought Steve's truck from Gil's office and would ride
home with Darlene, who had come to post bail. As it turned out, no
charges had been filed on Ste?e. The DA had watched the video made in
Gil's office and had stated that he would need to go before a grand
jury to seek an indictment. Privately he told Steve that he would be
astounded if the Grand Jury didn't no bill him, but that he would be
grateful if Steve would keep in close touch.

Steve, escorted by Darlene walked to his truck, his mind had been so
focused on what he was doing with Gil, and getting out of jail, that he
hadn't given a single thought to Donna or his children. Darlene put her
arm on his gently as he unlocked the door to his battered pickup, "My
sister-in-law Pat is with your kids at our house, Donna isn't at home,
but she's desperate to talk to you, don't you think this would be a
good time to let her see you?"

The images that had fallen from Donna's hand exploded into his brain,
and Steve felt the pain crash in on him. Suddenly he was finding it
difficult to breathe as the air was sucked from his lungs and he
couldn't seem to inhale. Steel bands where squeezing his chest ever
tighter. Then, at first camouflaged by his emotional pain, he became
aware that someone had smashed him in the chest with a sledgehammer.
That pain exploded paralyzing his body. His mind marveled, 'it really
does feel like an elephant sitting is sitting on your chest.' Unable to
support the pachyderm, he slowly collapsed. The physical strength he'd
always taken such a secret pride in, failed him. Grabbing Darlene's
arm, aware he was dying he managed to croak, "Don't let that bitch near
me, she's killed me."

Steve's world began to go black just like one of those old cartoons.
His last thought was 'where's the tunnel of light?'



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Chapter 2: At the Hospital



Donna:

In the grim black and white ruins of Donna's world, there remained a
window of hope. One magic portal back to the land of colors and living
creatures, but blocking the door like a lineman on a pro football team
was Darlene's husband Bill. Rational thought had died for Donna when
she got Darlene's clipped voice mail in her hotel room. "Steve's had a
massive heart-attack, they don't think he'll make it, DON'T come to the
hospital, but you might want to start getting the legal paperwork
together. We've got the kids here at the hospital. We'll take care of
them. He Doesn't Want You Here! Do NOT Come Here!"

She hadn't processed the whole message, only that the center of her
life might be dying. She was vaguely aware that her field of vision
narrowed until it was like looking through two toilet paper tubes. She
was oblivious to all else; her brain was filtering out everything not
related to getting her to her husband. So tightly was she focused, that
she never considered the reason for her husband's heart attack. She
wasn't able to conceive what life would be like without him. Somehow,
she had managed to drive her new BMW to the hospital, but she'd left
it, door open and engine running, parked on the sidewalk in front of
the hospital. She hadn't even stopped to think about her kids. Her
children were the planet that her moon orbited, but Steve was the sun
at the center of her universe. The children would grow up and leave but
the sun; the sun was the source of life.

Her vision narrowed further, her rational brain knew that Bill couldn't
stop her, but primitive brain insisted on physical action. Pausing about
twenty feet away, she said, "Bill, that's Steve in there, I've got to
see him, take care of him. I can't let him die!"

Bill snarled, "What you want doesn't matter you damn slut, the only way
you're getting in there is with the National Guard using fixed bayonets.
You've killed him and his last words were to keep you away, and by God
and all the saints, that's what I'm going to do." What happened next
was right out of the keystone cops. As Donna rushed for the door, Bill
put his hand out like a traffic cop, and Donna collided with it. She
hadn't seen the wet floor signs. So when she skidded into him, his tiny
push caused her to lose her balance and with a piercing scream her head
crashe? onto the hard floor.

As she lay in a disheveled boneless heap in front of Steve's door,
fighting to hold onto consciousness, she heard Bill's angry roar.
"Nurse get someone to get this piece of shit off the floor, my friend
is going to die in peace." The pain from the verbal kick was far worse
than the fall. It eclipsed her sun and the darkness consumed her.

She awoke in a hospital bed. Monitors, with an incongruous cheeriness
in view of their function were chirping softly. She felt wonderful! But
it only took a second to realize that there was an artificial patina to
her exuberance. Someone had given her a 'happy pill.' It took several
second to remember Steve and the reason why someone would drug her and
she then she was furious. At least as furious as the 'happy pill' would
allow. Her husband might be dying and no one should try to mute her
responses to that. Before she could begin working on righteous
indignation, the reason for his heart attack crashed in on her and she
was grateful for anything that dulled her awareness. Donna wept.

Even with her senses dulled, she felt a kernel of resentment form. This
wasn't fair. She was sorry, more sorry than she'd ever been about
anything in her life, about what she'd done with Gil. She would do
almost anything to make up for it, but it hadn't been this important.
Certainly, not important enough to take Steve away from her, to ruin
her life. A mindless half hour of sex shouldn't be able to destroy her
world. That wasn't fair! Steve's response was all so out of proportion
to what she'd done. The act hadn't meant anything to her, just a
momentary lust that got out of control. It would never happen again
and... and well Steve would just have to forgive her. But what about
everyone else? Was there any way everyone else might somehow ignore
what she'd done?

'Happy pill" or not, a tiny vacuum developed in Donna chest! It could
happen, her world could end over something so stupid so vacuous. It was
just a tiny little slip, how could a stolen half hour ruin her life? The
scorn on her friend Bill's face, his demeanor and the contempt of his
words reverberated and sank in. He knew and he despised her for what
she done. She wanted to rush to Bill and plead for understanding, to
explain. But how could she explain what she couldn't understand? She
didn't deny her responsibility, but she had never thought about trying
to explain it?

She shook her head again. These sorts of earth shattering results
should require months, years of planning, not a mere half hour of lust
that ultimately was simply messy and not magnificent. Then another
thought intruded. 'Why rush to Bill and not to Steve?' she wondered.
The vacuum in her chest threatened to consume her heart as her mind
skittered around the edges of the concept of life without Steve, that
Steve might have already died not understanding how supremely
unimportant that half hour had been in her life.

The idea that she might not have the chance to fix this was...
intolerable! Tears flowed down her cheeks and huge wailing sobs
consumed her as Donna again surveyed the bleak colorless
post-apocalyptical ruins that had been her idyllic life. Mired in dark
depression the 'Happy pill' overpowered her and she slept.

Steve:

Steve had been in a place as devoid of life, where time seemed
unimportant. He was searching, languidly, for a tunnel of light when he
heard his wife scream. Donna needed him! He had to help her! She was in
trouble and he could no more ignore her than he could will his heart to
stop, less so. Even in so distant a place her voice was a beacon he must
follow. As that voice echoed in his mind, it became the lantern he
needed to find his way, a reason to live, a focus of a desire to
continue.

It wasn't until he reached the threshold that he saw the devastation of
his life and dreams. As he reflected on that scene, he slowly oozed back
from life's harsh glare. The questions were too painful to ask, much
less answer. Did he really want to continue? To continue to Donna and
the pain? On the cusp, without making a decision, he beg?n to slide
back into permanence of that velvety blackness.

Then, he heard a new voice, "Daddy? Daddy can you hear me? Nurse!
Nurse, something's wrong, please hurry, please! Daddy, hold on please,
Daddy please. Jimmy, Sarah hurry, I'm... hurry help meeee!"

Now more voice were calling and pleading. Steve looked at the light and
he looked at the darkness. The light was harsh and unyielding, painful.
The darkness still seemed more comfortable, soothing. There were no
problems in the darkness. But his children were in the light. He had no
choice. He opened his eyes.

Donna:

Donna was aware of her mother's voice, gossiping, "Steve's going to
make it, he finally came around, they were able put in three stints to
open up the LAD. Did you know that it was 100% blocked and he didn't
even know it? That artery carries almost half the blood to the heart.
The doctors call that spot 'the widow maker.' The doctor said it wasn't
unusual, at least in very active men who work out, for capillaries to
form around a blockage as his did, but he was a heart attack waiting to
happen. Who would have known? He's only 42, has low cholesterol, not
even a pound overweight, no indicators at all, just bad genes. It was
the Grace of God that there was someone there when he collapsed. Their
CPR kept him alive until they could do something for him here.

I've already told you, I don't know the whole story, just that Donna
collapsed when she got here and that she and Steve are having some sort
of fight. Steve's parents have the kids, I'll be going over there to see
them as soon as her sedative wears off and I can ask Donna a few
questions. There's nothing wrong with her, she just fainted like some
heroine in a silent movie. Since she was in a hospital, they got
hysterical and doped her up. Trying to avoid lawsuits no doubt. Look
I've got to go, she's starting to stir."

"Donna, Donna are you awake?"

Donna wondered if she could fool her mother, she didn't think she could
face her right now. If hearing that Steve was okay exhilarated her, full
understanding of her situation terrified her. She wondered if there were
any way that she could wait until after she'd talked to Steve to let her
mother know about her... it wasn't an affair, it was just stupidity.

"Donna, you've never cried in your sleep, so I know you're awake. I
know the whole story, this is going to have to be handled very
carefully or you're going to lose your marriage. You're going to have
to take charge of Steve before he can lock you out of his life. You
don't have much time. They're going to have him out of recovery soon
and you need to be there when he comes down off the drugs."

Donna held her arms out like she had when she was very little and her
mother took her and held as she had when she was a child. Her mother's
strength helped as it always had and when she thought she could control
her voice she said, "Momma, I know I've messed up, but this shouldn't be
the end of the world!" Tears of self-pity formed and rolled down her
cheek.

Dropping seamlessly into her accustomed role, her mother said, "Donna,
you weren't raised to be a simpering ninny. We taught you to stand on
you own two feet and face the world head on. You've never backed down
in the face of trouble and I'm not going to see you do it now."

The words were not softened by the tone. There was anger and
disappointment in her voice, and Donna took a deep breath. Running away
would be so much easier, but her mother was right, she couldn't. Even if
she could somehow leave her children, she couldn't leave Steve. She
might as well try to leave her skeleton! No, she had a backbone and now
was the time to use it... except how, how did you fight when you were so
fully in the wrong?

"Do you know why you cheated?"

Donna's head snapped back so hard and the pain was so sharp that for an
instant Donna thought her mother had slapped her.

Donna sighed again, but this one was different, this was the sound you
make when you've decided something unpleasant can't be put off any
longer. "I didn't really cheat, I mean... I don't know, I ne?er
intended to, it was almost like I wasn't there."

Thunder clouds formed on her mother's brow and lightning flashed in her
eyes. "Donna Elizabeth Truman Bellows, don't you ever say anything like
that to Steve! It's the same thing as saying you'll do it again when
conditions are right. You damn well do know why you did it and you'd
better be able to tell him why and why it will never happen again!"

Her mother's face became implacable, "You need to look Steve in the eye
and say you didn't enjoy it. That Gil wasn't a better lover too! But
most important you have to make him believe he can trust you again!"

Donna was shocked, her mother had never spoken like this. They'd talked
about sex of course, but it had always been a subtle thing. Her mother's
bluntness forced her respond in kind. "It was exciting, and flattering
that Gil wanted me so badly. He was so passionate that I felt special,
needed. His penis is smaller than Steve, and I felt I accomplished an
old goal when I could take all of him in my mouth. I wanted him, but
once he started, he wasn't very good. It was like my mind was enjoying
it but my body stopped responded. He came very quickly, and when he did
he was done. It was mentally exciting but it wasn't very good sex. I
felt so guilty when I got home, I wanted Steve more than I have in
years, but I couldn't because I couldn't, and wouldn't give him sloppy
seconds. I had decided never to do anything like that again before I
ever got home."

Donna stopped to control her emotions but one sob slipped out, "Oh
Momma, it didn't mean anything. I didn't mean for it to happen..."

Her mother's voice crackled, "I did mean something, it meant you didn't
honor your marriage, your husband or your kids."

Donna felt a flash of resentment before the truth crashed in on her.
She looked at her mother, "Did you ever-- slip?" her voice was soft but
it was her mature voice, no longer the little girl.

Her mother's expression soften, her love evident. "No, there were times
when it was a near thing, but no, and as far as I know your father never
slipped either. That doesn't mean every thing I know about affairs I
learned from those stupid women's magazines." You know people have
always called me Dear Abby. Part of that is because I can keep secrets.
You're going to benefit from that now, because I'm not going to have to
go to court to see my grandchildren! But, be warned, if I have to
choose between you and them it will be a very hard choice! So don't
screw this up!"

"He hates me! He said he'd hurt me if he ever saw me or if I ever got
around the kids." Donna wasn't crying now, just explaining the facts.
The pain intensified. Oh God how the could she stand it? Using years of
experience and discipline she managed to leash her pain, allowing her to
function.

When her mother saw she was back in control she said, "Well that one's
easy; Steve won't keep you from the children. He couldn't even if he
wanted to, and you know he wouldn't. He just said the thing he knew
would hurt you the most. You're lucky in a way that he's sick, that
gives you a way back to him you might not have had."

"What are you talking about Momma?"

"Steve needs help, and you can tell him that you might have broken one
part of your vows, but you will not let him force you to break any of
the other parts. Look, he's mad and I don't know if either of us can
understand how hurt he is. My experience tells me that you can't do
anything about those emotions; you have to deal in facts. You broke his
trust and you have to fix it. One of your best weapons is you marriage
vows. Yes you broke part of them, but not all of them. You need to show
that you still value your word as much as he does his."

Suppressing the urge to cry, Donna tried to absorb what her mother was
telling her. She ran the marriage vow through her head and realized
that there was more than 'forsaking all others" in the vow, there was a
part about "sickness and health" too.

Her mother continued, "You can't turn off love like a light switch, it
dies like a fire without new fuel. All Steve could have?done to this
point is to have decided to stop feeding it. You've got until it dies
to get him to change his mind. Now, I don't know what you were thinking
when you brought those pictures to his office, Darlene showed them to
me, but that was very dumb. You don't ever want your man to have those
sorts of images of you. It can't be helped, but you can use it if
you're very clever and very careful. A man reacts to visual images of
his mate being 'claimed' by another. Someone did a study once on volume
of sperm in a man's ejaculate. If it has been a long time since a man
has seen his mate, like a long business trip his sperm volume is way
up. No surprise there, except it doesn't matter if he jacks off the day
before. Biologically he wants to claim his mate in case there have been
claim jumpers. I think it's the same thing if a man sees his wife with
another. Seeing her like that probably will make him very horny, at
least for temporarily. Now listen carefully! Don't make the mistake of
thinking that means he accepts it. Man isn't ruled by biology, and his
logical mind generally tells him that it isn't worth the effort to stay
with a mate he can't trust.

If he hadn't seen those pictures, you'd need to do everything in your
power keep them from him. It's easier to forgive cheating if you
haven't seen the images. Since it's too late for that as a last
desperate measure you might be able to use the pictures to get him into
your bed one more time. In some of them, probably toward the end you
don't look as happy. If all looks lost you might use a couple of those
to prove it wasn't great sex." Her mother fixed her with a penetrating
stare, "If you get him back in your bed, you make damn sure he never
wants to leave it!"

Donna's emotions were so jumbled it seemed impossible to sort them out.
Steve was a very passionate man, something most people didn't know
because he was also one of the most controlled people Donna had ever
met. She knew he was more than capable of controlling a sexual urge for
her.

With another sigh of determination this time, she asked, "How can I use
sex momma, he's just had a heart attack for God's sake, even if he wants
me, which I doubt, and even if he were somehow to lose control and want
to take me, which would never happen, I couldn't let him risk his heart
like that."

"One of the things they'll tell him is that sex with your wife isn't
dangerous, but sex with someone new is, at least for a while. Now let
me cover some quick dos and don'ts. Do tell him you love him, often. Do
tell him you're sorry, but don't tell him constantly, it'll only remind
him. Do have sex with him any way he wants you for a while. Don't let
him hurt you sexually or any other way. It's tempting but it won't work
in the long run. Let him try anything new as long as it doesn't break
your vows. If you've never done anal let him, and let him know why!"

Donna was mortified, "Momma! Steve would never want to do that, and I
just couldn't!"

Her mother gave her a knowing look and said, "Don't knock what you've
never tried dear, with lube it can be a lot of fun, and a very special
way to tell your man how much you love him. Don't make any offers like
letting him cheat on you. It won't work and it will kill the marriage.
Don't change from the person he loves. You can't keep him by being his
slave or his doormat, he loved and wanted you and you have to give that
person back to him, at least as best you can.

"This has changed you and you're going to have to live with it. Now,
you're going to have to repent, and I don't just mean be sorry, you're
going to have to try to make him whole after you've taken something
precious from him."

"How can I do that Momma, everything I have is his, I've never held
anything back."

Her mother's face softened, "Baby, I don't know, but I do know that in
every marriage there are, places where neither party got their way. You
might start looking there. Not to be a doormat, Steve didn't marry a
doormat. You'll just have to find a way to make it up to him. Now, I
want you to picture a goal, I'm going to giv? you a mental image and I
want you to really think about what you want. I want you to picture
Steven in a nice hotel room, a large suite he's laying on the bed. He's
all alone, can you see him?"

Donna's mother had always taught lessons this way and Donna couldn't
help but let the picture form in her mind. "Yes, I can see him." It
took an effort not to cry at the pain of seeing her husband without her
as the image built in her mind's eye.

"Okay," her mother continued their never forgotten game, "I want you to
see him the way he was the last time he was panting for you. No, make
that the look he had just before the best sex of your life. Can you see
him; see the hunger in his eyes?"

Donna knew where her mother was going now, this was the goal she
needed, what it would look like when she got Steve back. This was the
image she'd need to keep fresh as they worked through their problems.
"Yes Momma, I see him, I've got the picture, I know that..."

Her mother interrupted, "Now see a tight-bodied twenty something mount
him, it's their wedding night and she's starving for him too!"

The image flashed before Donna could stop it! She actually saw another
woman, a younger woman with a better body, a tighter body, one that had
never given birth mount Steve, right in front of her and she screamed,
"MOMMA! Steve would never do that!"

Her mother brought her face down inches from Donnas horror struck eyes,
"You feel that flash of pain, well thanks to your pictures Steven
doesn't have to imagine that, he can see your passion for another man
any time he wants. Statically, that scene with Steve is going to
happen. What's worse that young thing will do her best to steal him
from your children so that her children have a full-time father. Your
goal is to make sure that doesn't happen."

Donna felt a new and different kind of pain welling up. With all that
she'd been through, she still hadn't understood the pain she'd
inflicted on Steve. The pain that would continue to grow as he saw real
images of her over and over again. As he felt the pain of actual not
imaginary betrayal. "Oh Momma, I never would have..."

Again, her mother cut her off, "Baby, you can't say that. You did!
What's more, in your heart you knew how much this would hurt. You
fucked his best friend, and the husband of one of your best friends.
You have to get it through your head just how evil this thing you've
done is. But, I trust you, you don't always look before you leap,
that's the source of some of your courage, but you do analyze it later.
I know you're going to dwell on this until you get it right, because
that's the way you are."

"Now, some of that will have to wait, I've brought your war-paint and
one of your better outfits. You're going to clean yourself up while I
get you checked out of here. Then you're going to march yourself up to
ICU and sit by your husband until he wakes up. You're going to look
Bill in the eye and tell him that if you have to get security you will,
because you promised sickness and health and you're not going to break
that vow. That'll make him spew on you, and you'll look him in the eye
when he does. Don't back down! Get to your husband's side and stay
there until he has the strength to kick you out, if he does."

Donna swallowed hard; did she have the courage to face Bill and
Darlene? She took a deep breath, 'Unless I die, I'm going to have to
face them sooner or later, and Momma's right I promised to take care of
him in sickness and I'm going to keep my vow!'

As Donna worked on her make-up in the harsh florescent light in the
tiny bathroom she tried to conjure what she'd felt in those few seconds
she'd pictured Steve with another woman. Because of her mother's skill,
she could imagine the pain she'd caused and she could feel the tiniest
foreshadowing of the pain she would feel if she lost Steve. What she'd
felt when she thought he might have died was really self pity, but the
idea of Steve with someone else, having children, cutting her out of
his life was no longer unimaginable. 'Oh God, please help me, I
couldn't stand that and M?mma right about the children.' Donna had seen
it among several of their friends. Even in the cases where the wife
didn't try to punish her ex by withholding the kids, it was so very
difficult to keep a dad involved if he re-married and had a new family.
The cases it had worked best was when the father got custody... Donna
pulled herself erect, could she give up her kids if it was for their
best interest?

After a few minutes, an eternity later, Donna had made a decision. She
stood straight and threw her shoulders back, and looked her reflection
in the eye, 'I'm not going to let it come to that. Steve loves me, and
he needs me as much as I need him, I'll just have to win this for his
sake as much as mine.'

As she was finishing cleaning up, her mother re-appeared with her
cloths and cosmetics. Her mother had always referred to cosmetics as
'war-paint' a term that had always embarrassed Donna, but this time it
fit her mood. Her mother left saying, she was going to see the kids,
and make sure that no one told them tales they shouldn't hear.

When she finish, Donna gave a sigh that was close to snort and walked
out of her room. It was only when she saw a big clock outside the ICU
that she realized that it was 3:00 AM. She'd known it was dark but
she'd had no idea of the time. She quailed and almost retreated, a
cowardly voice saying maybe she should wait for daylight before any
confrontation. Setting her resolve, she never broke her stride. She
didn't see Bill, but Darlene was there. When she saw Donna, she jumped
to her feet and stood, arms and legs akimbo, attempting to block her.

Donna stopped in front of her and said, "Darlene, you're one of my best
friends. If you want to side with Steve, I wont have hard feelings, but
you need to wait to see if there are going to BE sides. I made the
worst mistake of my life. There are reasons, and one was that I was way
too drunk and I wasn't prepared for my husband's best friend to take
advantage of me. I'm not making any excuses, but we've talked before
about the temptations we've both faced. I pray you never find yourself
where I am today, but if you do; I know I won't try to stand in the way
of you trying to fight for your marriage. My soul mate is in there, and
in my weakness and eternal shame, I wasn't with him when he might have
died. He won't have to kick hard if he wants to kick me out for what
I've done, but I'm not going to leave his side until he's strong enough
to kick me as hard as I deserve!"

As Donna set her jaw, she saw Darlene searching her face before looking
deeply into her eyes. Seeing a half nod, Donna knew that she won even
before Darlene said, "Donna, you know I love you, how could you let
this happen?"

Donna took a deep breath, "I don't know if I can put it into words yet,
I will, but the first person to hear that will be Steve. I need to
share, and if you're willing, I'll be oh so grateful if you'll listen,
but I don't want to practice it first. Steve deserves to hear this raw
if he wants. After, or if he doesn't want to hear, you'll be the first
I promise."

Darlene's expression softened, "He still loves you, you know. He went
over there to protect you from Gil's blackmail not to kill him for what
you and he did. He told Mike to 'lose' the tape and pictures of you. He
could have used that in a divorce, but I don't think the thought ever
crossed his mind. Donna, he's my boss. If you break up, I'll stick with
him. But if you're going to fight for him, I'm on your side. Despite
what you saw with Bill this afternoon, he'll be on your side too.
Things were just moving too fast. We weren't thinking clearly. I'm
sorry for what I thought Donna. When you collapsed I was sure that... I
knew that what you did was some sort of fluke. Then Mike came by and
talked to us. He said that Gil, faced with all those tapes, and his
lawyer saying he didn't have a chance of excluding them, has been
singing like a bird. Your name hasn't come up officially. It seems your
tape seems to have been lost. Mike said he was sure that yours was a
one-time fling. He also said you're the?reason this is all going down.
All I ask that you pay real close attention to the medical stuff in
there, if you're... well remember he's still kind of delicate and if
starts getting worked up again it..."

Donna smiled sadly and said, "I know Darlene, I'll have to play it by
ear. I want you to know just how much I appreciate what you did to keep
him alive for me, I'm not being melodramatic when I say I don't know how
I could keep living if he'd died." Donna had to stop before tears
started and ruined her make-up.

As she pushed into his little room, past a nurse who was still
sputtering, she felt her pride for her husband swell. She'd been afraid
that Steve would physically look diminished by all the medical equipment
keeping him alive. It was just the opposite. Her husband seemed a giant
with everything around him fading into the background. She knew he was
awake. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the pleasure in his eyes
at seeing her. As the look of love faded Donna blurted, "Steve, please
don't say anything yet, I'm here to take care of you the way I promised
when we got married, let me get you well before you..."

Steve held out the hand that wasn't connected to IV and Donna flew into
it burying her head on his chest, soaking his sheet, gown and skin with
her tears. "Donna," his voice sounded incredibly deep as she heard it
through his chest, "I don't think we can fix this, but I've been laying
here thinking about what I'd said when I thought I was dying. That's not
the kind of man I like to think I am. That was pain talking and even if
we don't make it, I wouldn't want you to think that I blame you for my
heart attack."

Donna waited until she knew she had control of her voice and said, "Oh
Steve, can't we pretend for a little bit that nothing happened? Just
until you get better, I won't fight you if you want to kick me out
later, but I just told Darlene that I want you well enough so that you
can kick me the way I deserve." Donna tried to let her face show Steve
that she was serious.

Steve sighed sadly, "I don't know Dandy. Every time I think about what
I saw, the nurse has to come in and stick me with something to put me
to sleep, but I still haven't been able to stop..."

Donna griped his hand in both of hers, pulling it to her breasts. He'd
just used her pet name, and her hope soared. "Please just let me care
for you, you said you didn't want to die letting me think that I'd
killed you. Can't you see I can't live with myself if I can't honor all
the other promises I made at our wedding? Please Steve, you've always
been the logical one, I've been the emotional one, please let me help.
When you're well, you can scream and order me to crawl out of your
house on my belly and I'll do it. I will do absolutely anything to make
this easier for you. Momma came by, and gave me one of her talks; she
told me that if I was truly sorry I had to make restitution. Well I am
so very sorry. Please let me show you that. It'll be better for you
long term too, no matter what you do. I love you Steve, please, please
let me show you, please? I don't deserve it, but please?"

Looking into his eyes, Donna saw the pain, Steve was the nicest man
she'd ever met, but he wasn't going to be able to handle this. She
crimped her conscious and felt it pinch, "Please Steve, this is going
to be too much for the kids to almost lose you, to have to find out...
about me and then lose their family all in the same day. Steve, I have
no right to ask, I know that. I swear when you're better I'll come
clean and let them hate me, but not just yet, please. I'll do anything
you want, anything to make it easier on you, I promise, but not yet
please." The only smidgen of pride left Donna was that she didn't cry.

Steve yawned, "Okay Dandy, procrastination has always been easy for me.
I can do that, I have to stop thinking about this whole mess for a while
anyway, if I'm going to get well. I'll tell myself that 'I'll think
about it tomorrow, ' whenever it pops in my mind.' You're right about
the kids too. That's the other thing that I've been worrying?about. If
I'd died I would have set them up to hate you and I wouldn't want that
either." He paused and when he resumed his voice was very grave, "I can
put off responding to how I feel, but I can't completely pretend it
hasn't happened Donna. I'll wear the best mask I can for the kids, but
I can't pretend that I'm your loving husband. Donna, it will have to be
separate rooms..." His voice trailed off his eyes showing more pain than
Donna thought she could bear.

She composed herself, nodded and said, "We can explain that as you
needing to recover for now, you won't be sorry, Steve thank you so much
for this..." she paused again, too choked up to continue.

Steve met her eyes nodded slightly, then seemed to run down. In a
matter of minutes, she heard the snore he'd developed recently. It had
been a source of more than minor irritation, but as she heard it now,
she swore that if she could ever sleep next to it, she'd never complain
again. As she left to locate one of those sleeping-chairs she'd seen in
one of the other rooms, she almost bumped into a formidable woman. One
who seemed to define the term 'old battle axe.'

With no preamble the head nurse began, "You must be the infamous wife
I've heard about, that was a dangerous thing you just did, I was
prepared to call security if I had to."

Donna looked the woman in the eye, "You wouldn't have had to, but I
know my husband, and I knew he wouldn't have wanted it left the way it
was standing. He may still kick me out, but he'll never do it without
giving me a chance to explain myself. I don't know if I would have
thought of it, but I also knew he wouldn't force me to break my other
vows. To be fair to him, when he can handle it, I'll let him see the
pictures of me again. Then he can work out his anger, if that's what he
wants to do. All we've done is put this off until he's well. It also
lets him put his mind at ease about the kids. I knew he wouldn't want
to have to deal with them now, not until he was able to get up and
about. How long will he need to be here?"

The conversation turned professional but occupied only a portion of
Donna's mind. She'd bought time, now she had to make sure she used it
wisely. Two weeks, maybe three that's how long she had to win her
husband into a new relationship. She was determined that if Steve
wanted one of the "claim your mate fucks," she would make it one for
the record books!



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3: The Struggle Begins



Donna recognized the odor before she pulled the dirty underwear out of
the hamper. It was the second pair that had contained the distinct
scent of her husband's semen. She hadn't been certain of the other one,
but on this pair, she could see a tiny amount of the evidence. It hurt!
Married to Steve for fifteen years Donna knew the amount was too small
to be result of a wet dream. He must have used a tissue.

Donna felt tears try to form, as her vision became bleary. Now she knew
for sure that Steve was masturbating rather than making love to her. It
hurt! It hurt more than Donna would have thought possible a month ago.

Ever since that day at the hospital, over three weeks ago, her mother
had been drowning her with articles and studies about the effects of a
cheating spouse on a marriage. The sheer volume was worthy of a
professional researcher. However, most were so depressing that Donna
had to forcer herself to read them. She refused to believe that the
things she'd read could possibly happen to Steven and her.

One of the earliest articles had talked about how the husband
frequently lost all interest in the cheating wife sexually. Skeptical,
she had made every effort these last three weeks to look her best. She
got up in time to put on her makeup and fix her hair before Steve woke
up.

Following the advice in one article, she carefully avoided wearing
anything too provocative or sexy. She wanted Steve to see her as a
loyal wife and mother, not as a sex-starved slut. Yet, she was very
aware that Steve wasn't looking at her very much period. When he d?d,
he couldn't, or didn't try, to keep the pain or anger out of his
expressions.

Conditions were getting worse. It was like a full bathtub with a slow
leak. You couldn't see it or hear it, but over time you couldn't miss
that the love was leaking out. Donna was at her wits end trying to
figure out some way to staunch the flow. Steve certainly had
appreciated the care she gave him the first week or so when he'd been
confined to bed. However, the more he was able to get up and around,
the less around her he wanted to be!

At the doctor's visit three days ago, on Monday, the doctor had cleared
Steve to return to work on a limited basis and "to resume normal
activities at home." Donna had blushed but asked if that meant they
could resume making love. The doctor said that as long as they didn't
hang from the chandeliers it would be fine.

Donna hadn't worn her sexiest sleepwear Monday, but she had made a
point of checking on Steve wearing her normal nightgowns without a
robe. Steve had shown no interest at all and Donna had hoped that it
just meant he wasn't feeling horny yet.

Wadding up the underwear and brushing back tears before they could
fall, Donna straightened her shoulders and decided that she couldn't
put of "the talk" any longer. She would call her mother about picking
up the kids after school on Friday to keep them for the weekend. Since
Steve wasn't going in to work on Fridays yet, that would give them
three full days to work things out.

Donna felt an icy chill; she could be headed to a divorce lawyer on
Monday! She took a deep breath--putting it off wouldn't help--they
either had to start putting something back into their relationship or
it would drain dry. She was certain that Steve hadn't made up his mind
to leave her--yet. Still, it didn't take her fifteen years experience
to know that Steve was hurting and his resolve to leave the marriage
was growing.

As she looked down at the underwear in her hands, an idea began
percolating. When she came in to 'tuck him in' tonight, she could make
the offer to 'relieve his tension.' That was the term they'd used
during and after her pregnancies. She was one of those women who was
uncomfortable with sex after about the seventh month. She made up for
it by giving Steve oral sex. It only got worse after each delivery. All
her children were born vaginally. It was always a month or two until she
was physically ready again, even longer for her libido to recover. Being
dead tired only made it worse. There were times in those early months
when she had been so tired she'd worried she might fall asleep in the
middle of a BJ. Still, no matter how tired she was, she had never
turned Steven down. She had even made it a point to remember to
initiate sex.

Using that term should remind him of that, and it was something that
he'd mentioned that he'd always appreciated. Just thinking about the
possibilities for tonight got Donna's juices flowing. She decided that
as soon as she got the kids in bed tonight she would make him make
love--or just plain fuck her. It didn't matter as long as they were
intimate. It would be easier to talk through their problems this
weekend if she had made certain he was very mellow first.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting all three children into bed at a reasonable hour was a
nightmare. Their oldest, Steve Jr., had thrown a fit saying that now
that he was almost a teenager he needed to stay up and watch the late
news. It was just one more sign that all three children sensed the
tension in the house. Donna prayed it would get better soon and not
worse.

Donna was sorely tempted to have a glass of wine to fortify her
courage, but she didn't want Steve to know she'd needed liquid courage
to approach him. As she entered their bedroom, she'd made sure she was
looking her best and she was wearing one of her nicest nightgowns, more
elegant than sexy. Feeling inhibited about being sexy made her acutely
aware of her exile from their bedroom. Steve was propped up using her
pillow as a backrest and had his laptop on h?s legs.

From the start of their marriage, Donna had insisted that Steve not
bring work into the bedroom. She had insisted that the bedroom was
their space, and if he needed to work late, he could use his home
office. They didn't have a TV in there either. Her only concession was
to allow reading. The argument had flared again a couple of years ago
when he got his laptop. He'd downloaded some books and claimed he just
wanted to use the laptop to read. The first time she'd caught him
playing a computer game, the laptop had been banished.

Seeing him working touched a nerve. She clenched her jaw and squelched
her irritation. However, reminding herself why she couldn't comment
caused such emptiness in her heart that she froze mid stride for
several painful seconds.

Steve's expression, almost daring her to say something about the
laptop, made her glad she hadn't worn anything sexier. This wasn't
going to be easy. Steve was right at the edge of his side of their king
sized bed, leaving her no place to sit. She briefly considered crawling
up on her side, but decided that it would be too aggressive. Instead,
she walked over next to him and squatted down. When she did, she
realized the position worked to her advantage because it brought her
breasts to within inches of his arm.

Steve, still looking defiant, added a suspicious glint. Donna briefly
thought about saying the laptop was okay, but decided that it would be
better to do so tacitly. "Honey, is there anything that I can get or do
for you?" She'd tried to hit the anything as hard as she could without
making it making it too obvious.

Steve's eyes narrowed, he sniffed and Donna knew he smelled his
favorite perfume. He looked deep into her eyes and said, "No, I'm sorry
but I'm just not interested."

Donna had prepared herself for that, but it was still difficult not to
wince. She took a deep breath, she'd hoped it would take longer for him
reject her, but Steve had become much more abrupt since he'd come home.
"Steve, Mother is going to pick up the kids at school Friday, and we
can have our talk then, but I know you might, uh that you're uh,
feeling some tension..." she let her words hang then plunged ahead.
"I'm doing your laundry, so I know you're having 'nocturnal
emissions.'"

Steve's face flushed and for a second Donna thought she'd embarrassed
him. Then she heard the anger in his voice when he said, "No, I'm not
having wet dreams, I jacked off. If I had wanted you, I would have
called you, but like I said Donna, I'm just not interested."

Donna swallowed hard, "I understand, but I wanted you to know that if
you want to 'relieve your tension, ' you can use me. You don't have to
make love or even talk to me, but I am concerned. Please Steve, I'm
still so scared that something might happen to your heart -- please let
me help you. Any way you want it, you can close your eyes and I won't
say a word."

Donna knew she was playing dirty to trade on his fears. The twinge in
Steve's eye told her that masturbating must have scared him a little
too. She let her very real concern show. "Honey you had to take a nitro
didn't you? Please, let me help you on this."

She saw his face relax a bit, but the pain was unmistakable when he
said softly, "I don't think I can, every time I think about you, all I
see are those pictures of Gil in your mouth, and in you. Last time I
almost didn't make it to the bathroom before I threw up."

He paused and Donna fought tears welling up. Every time she thought she
understood just how much she had hurt him, something like this would
happen and she'd realize the pain was even deeper.

She took a deep breath. "Pretend I'm someone else in the dark. Just
call me, or come into the guest room and wake me. Any thing that would
make it easier for you I'll do. I'll just bend over and you can shove
it up my ass if that would make it easier." She'd tried to say it
lightly, but she also wanted him to know that she was willing to be
used anally. He'd asked for that many times. The last time she'd been
rather heated in her rejection. She heard his breathing quic?en. He'd
understood the offer and it appealed to him.

He cleared his throat. "I'll think about it." He paused again. "With
the lights out, if you don't say anything, maybe." His voice trailed
off.

Donna emotion roiled. Part of her was triumphant at her progress, part
of her was appalled at what she'd just offered. Still, the biggest part
was heartsick that her husband was so hurt by her that he had had to
think about taking her anal virginity.

Donna made her last gambit. "Do you want to hurt me? If you do, I won't
use any KY when you take my last virginity." She wanted to make it plain
that she hadn't let Gil do what she'd denied him, but she also hoped for
an immediate denial on any desire to punish her with sexual pain.

After the longest pause Steve said slowly, "No, no, I don't think
hurting you would help me, and in a way that would make it too
personal. No, I don't think that would work Dandy. Let's just forget
about this whole thing."

Donna flushed at the use of the pet name, grabbed his hand and pulled
it to her breast, "Look, I'm going to go into the guest room and get
ready. Give me five minutes and you'll find me naked, bent over the
foot of the bed. You can use me any way and every way you want and I
won't make a sound."

She thought she felt him respond, although the laptop was on the
covers, hiding any possible 'tenting.' Without another word, she stood
and left the room. If nothing else, she was sure he wouldn't leave her
kneeling like that for long. Even if he decided not to use her, he'd
come tell her, and the sight of her in that position... 

Donna made a quick stop in the guest bathroom. Using warm water, she
soaped a washrag. Hitching up her long nightgown, she lowered her
panties and washed her bottom, paying particular attention to her anus.
She shivered in distaste at what she was about to do. She decided it
would be easier on her to apply the KY in the dark and she took it with
her into the guest bedroom.

She turned off the light and removed both her nightgown and her
panties. Then, she knelt at the end of the bed. Bending over the end of
the bed, her bottom facing the door, she inserted the tip of the
applicator and squeezed the jelly into her anus. Putting a bit on her
finger, she applied some to her anal opening. Then, determined to
finish the distasteful task she pushed her finger inside to make it
ready. When she finished, she wiped her hands on the small towel she'd
brought with her.

She noted the time on the small bedside clock and waited for Steve. As
she knelt there, she became hyper-aware of just how open and available
she was. She bit her lip as her breathing picked up. From out of
nowhere the memory of the first time she felt this way overwhelmed her.
Clutching that wonderful memory she thought, 'I hope this time doesn't
hurt any more than that one did.'

It was their first time together, when she'd given Steve her virginity.

Donna was in her senior year in college. She was a member of the
varsity field hockey team, and hockey hadn't left much time for dating.
She'd met Steven almost by accident; he had finished his degree in
Architecture and was supervising the construction of a building on
campus. The building overlooked their practice field and she literally
tripped over him one day after practice. She was a mess, even her hair
was drenched in sweat. As he caught her she'd been surprised at how
strong his hands were as he kept her from falling.

Flustered by his good looks, she said in a self-deprecating tone, "Ah
the reflexes of a trained athlete, give me a few more years and I can
walk and chew gum at the same time."

He hadn't laughed; he'd just stared into her soul with those eyes of
his and said, "I've never see a more beautiful sight in my life. I'm
not going to let you go until you agree to have coffee with me."

It had taken years to convince her that he actually had been overcome
by her beauty. She'd never had a man react like that to her, and her
normally formidable defenses crumbled. It took her over three months to
get into his bed. He repeatedly refused to gi?e her the fig leaf of
seduction. He told her that he wouldn't take her to bed until she was
prepared. He said she would have to go on the pill and then, give him a
week's notice so he could be ready with a romantic evening. She'd been
ready their first date, but it had taken her almost two months to work
up the courage to get the pill and another four weeks after that to
work up the courage to tell him she was protected.

It had been a magical night. Steve had taken her to the best restaurant
in the area, then to intimate dance club. When they finally got to his
apartment, he built a roaring fire in his fireplace and they sipped
wine and ate snacks while soft music played on his stereo. She had been
completely relaxed and not a bit nervous when he led her to his bedroom.
There the scent of gardenias overwhelmed her. She had told him that
gardenias were her favorite flower but they had been out of season.
Somehow, he'd managed to buy a room full.

The bed had dark blue, high weave, silk sheets, and there were candles
to provide a soft mellow glow. She'd felt self-conscious about taking
off her clothes. Even though he'd touched every part of her body, he'd
never seen all of it. The look of appreciation as she'd shed her
underwear banished her inhibitions, and ignited a special joy that
caused her to wet in readiness.

After helping her between the sheets, he'd worshiped her body. Kissing
and suckling every inch of her, until his mouth was between her legs.
As soon his wonderfully flexible tongue parted her nether lips she
belonged to him. For the first time in her life, she'd been vocal
during an orgasm.

Donna smiled at the memory, her scream caused lights to go on in all
the surrounding apartment complexes. Yet, when she had spread her legs
for the act, she'd felt more vulnerable, open and naked than she'd
thought possible.

In her memory, that moment, when she was spread and available, seemed
to have lasted hours. She had been so scared she'd trembled--not at the
expected pain, she was a jock, she knew she could handle pain. The
reason her whole bottom had contracted in fear was that she didn't know
what giving her body to Steve would do to her, and to the 'them' that
become so important to her. After an eternity of kissing his way up her
body, he was fully over her. He'd kissed her deeply, then reached down
and adjusted one leg at a time until that her knees were raised.

Feeling indescribable tension she felt her vaginal lip open, waiting
for his first contact. It was such a strange feeling to give him that
control over her body. To be forced to wait for him, to be the
recipient not the instigator of action. She had also been embarrassed
that she didn't know what she was supposed to do with her legs.

She'd felt such a jumble of emotions in the those few seconds. Always
excelling at any physical activity, she'd felt intimidated by her
ignorance, anxious to experience what was going to happen, but
concerned that she not make some sort of gaff. Overlaying all was an
burning desire to move to the next stage.

He'd felt her tense and he had smiled gently but hadn't entered her.
Instead he'd let his organ slip up and down her more than lubricated
sex. It had let her acclimate to the feel of it and to his motion. More
importantly, it had put the most unendurable pressure on her clit. It
had the quality of taking all her jumbled emotions and thoughts and
focusing on that little nexus. Just when she thought she was going to
have a second orgasm he guided her hand to it so that she could
position him at her entrance.

Once there she had there, she'd been a bit disappointed as he'd eased
himself into her. There wasn't any pain at all, just a wonderful unique
fullness. Although she'd concentrated, prepared to minimize her response
to the pain for Steve's benefit, she couldn't feel her hymen tearing. It
puzzled her, for despite her athleticism, she'd been certain she still
had one.

That thought occupied less than a second as she shifted to accommodate
him, before she was overwhelmed by the feeling of physical and
emotional on?ness as she experienced his full length and girth. She
remembered the pride that flickered when she knew she accepted all of
him. She loved the feel as her vagina stretched to envelope him. Even
after the birth of her children, she never felt she could ever accept
anything larger, not by so much another millimeter. Using both hands
and both legs she had clasp his body to her and wondered if somehow his
skin was dissolved into hers.

Steve had remained motionless for the longest time, kissing her and
letting her press herself up to him. When he began to move again, Donna
hadn't thought she could stand the pleasure. After less than a minute,
he'd stopped. For a second she worried that she'd done something wrong
or that he was 'finished.' Then he had pulled up from her and his eyes
looked deep into her soul. As his movements began again, Donna lost all
sense of her body. As intimate as his entry into her, it paled to his
possession of her soul through his warm, tender eyes.

Her body responded to his. She was aware of it meeting his thrusts, of
her breath becoming ragged as she panted open mouthed. Yet, as
intensely as she had wanted to know what making love would feel like,
her most intense experience that first time had been giving herself to
his eyes.

Then, without warning, but at exactly the right second, he broke eye
contact and plunged his mouth to hers, his tongue melding with hers.
She hadn't a clue that she'd been approaching an orgasm until it
erupted just as his mouth touched hers. She screamed and almost bit his
tongue. Her fingers clawed his back and she groaned as her abdominal
muscles clenched and spasmed. For the first time she felt her vagina
ripple and grasp an organ inside her. Her hands flew from his back to
his bottom as she tried to pull more of him into her.

She'd broken their kiss as her lungs burned from lack of air. She'd
groaned, every muscle in her body contracted and she arched her neck.
She felt that part of Steve inside her twitch. A distant part of her
mind wondered that she couldn't actually feel his release deep inside
her. The rest of her mind exalted that she'd pleased him that she
hadn't felt awkward or clumsy. She saw the pleasure of her in his face
and her heart rejoiced that she'd been able to gain his release on her
first try.

She had felt his muscles tense again and then relax into her. She
treasured her 'lover, ' rolling that term in her mind as she had tried
to absorb all of him into her body.

An unwanted thought intruded in her cherished reverie. 'That was
seventeen years ago, and I can feel it like it was an hour ago. I'm so
turned on I can smell it. Yet, I don't remember what Gil felt like
inside me at all!'

She was ecstatic that the slim ball had left no impression on her. Her
memories of that horrible interlude were mostly of the pictures Gil had
forced her to look at. 'I must have been more drunk that I thought.'

To force any remnant of Gil from her mind she began to relive some of
the best and most memorable times making love with Steve, or just
raunchy fucking. She'd never attempted to rate their lovemaking and she
couldn't now as she reminisced. It was only after she'd relived each of
the first attempts to get her pregnant with their three children that
she realized just how turned on she was.

Immediately, she realized that if she couldn't rate the best time, she
could never remember when she had yearned this much for her husband.
She looked at the clock and was appalled to see that over a half hour
had passed. At first, she felt a flash of irritation, she wanted her
man and he wasn't--she jumped to her feet mid-thought as a horrible
fear squeezed her heart. His heart! Oh God what if... 

She dashed to their bedroom already envisioning Steve collapsed or even
dead. Certain that the excitement, the prospect of taking her anal
virginity, had brought on another massive heart attack, she was
terrified!

As she flew through the door, she saw him still calmly sitting up in
bed with his laptop. He looked up, saw her naked and growled, "Get some
clothes on before you co?e in here, you damn slut!"

Donna stopped so fast her feet slipped on the hardwood floor. She had
to grab the doorframe to keep her balance. As the harsh words
penetrated, one hand flew to her mouth to cover her gasp, the other
extended as if to block out what he'd said. Then blushing furiously she
mumbled, "I was afraid you'd had another heart-attack," and fled almost
as fast as she'd rushed in.

When she got back to her room, she collapsed on the floor in big
gasping sobs. That he'd just left her kneeling, waiting for him,
combined with his tone had driven home, as nothing else could, that he
didn't want her. In her heart of hearts, she'd never believed that if
she offered anal sex; her life-mate, her lover, the father of her
children, the man who had shared her bed for over sixteen years, and
who had wanted it for all that time, would turn it down. It had been
her final ace. The trump card she had subconsciously been certain would
bring Steve back to her bed.

That he didn't want her, even that way hurt, hurt more than anything to
this point had. It hurt more than she had thought anything could hurt.
It hurt a thousand times more than childbirth, because at the end of
was a new death, not a new life.

But, her tears weren't for her pain. Her tears were because she now
fully understood, at a level she'd never achieved, just how hurt Steve
was. As bad as her own pain was, she would have died if she thought she
could help relieve even a portion of his pain. How could she have missed
how much he'd been suffering the last three weeks?

Donna wasn't a very religious person. She only went to church around
Christmas, generally for one of the special music services. In that,
she followed the traditions of her parents. She never remembered
praying in her whole life.

Getting control of her sobbing, she rose up on her hands and knees and
crawled to the end of the bed. She assumed almost the same position
that she'd been in before, but now her hands clasped together as she
looked up at the ceiling.

With tears running down her cheeks she prayed. She didn't pray for
herself, she prayed that God would somehow comfort Steve. She prayed
for some idea of how she could help him hurt less.

In her mind, she heard her 'little voice' ask, "Would you really do
anything to make him feel better, or is this just more of the same?"

She did a searching self-examination and decided that she was sincere.
Her little voice asked again, "Would you divorce him, and walk out with
nothing but the clothes on your back and a pair of shoes? Give sole
custody of the children, move completely out of their lives? Would you
give them up completely, let a new wife replace you as their mother?"

"Oh God!" she murmured, "Please not that!" But the question swirled
around and around in her head. "Do you love him enough to absolutely
put him and his needs first with no thought of what you need or want?"

She never knew how long she knelt there. She never told anyone that
she'd prayed. She certainly never told anyone that after interminable
agony, she'd whispered "Yes, Oh God help me, Yes, if that's what it
take even that."

Whether it came from God or self-understanding, Donna felt a certain
peace as she put on her nightgown and crawled into her lonesome bed.
She was almost asleep when Steve turned on the light. She sat up, and
waited expectantly.

"Donna, I need to apologize for what I called you, I know you weren't
trying anything when you came in like that. I was upset with myself for
not coming in here earlier and telling you that I wasn't going to -- do
anything. I couldn't do it. It would be like cheating on my marriage if
I really did pretend you were someone else. I'm not going to do that.
Cheat. When the time comes, I want to be able to tell the kids that I
never broke my vows. I knew I wasn't coming here when I heard you
cleaning up in the bathroom. I should have come and said something, but
then I was afraid that if I saw you bent over like that -- I'm sorry, I
thought I might get sick at my stomach again."

He turned to leave and Donna said, "Steve,?I need to apologize too. I
didn't understand. I WAS trying to lure you earlier, and that was
wrong. I want you more than I ever have. I'm not sorry that I want you,
I never will be. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's my fault
that you don't feel the same way. In all the years I've known you,
you've never called me a name. I've earned that one.

It's important to me for you to know that when I came running back, I
was scared to death for your heart. I wasn't trying to entice you then.
If I ever forget and try to manipulate you again, you have my permission
to remind me and I promise I'll stop. I love you Steve, I won't ever try
to trick you again.

Steve gave her a hard look, then with a quick nod, turned, and closed
the door behind him.

Donna took a deep breath, and once again, she whispered, "Yes God, if
that's what it take even that."

Friday

Donna had achieved a certain peace with her decision last night. Still
she got up early to put her makeup on and have her hair fixed before
emerging from the guest suite. She fixed breakfast for everyone. Then,
after getting the children off for school and making certain they had
what they needed for their weekend with her parents, she'd cleaned the
kitchen and started on the rest of the house while she waited for Steve
to emerge and start "the Talk."

He'd gone into his home office right after breakfast and even before
all this started Donna only disturbed him there if it was a minor
emergency. As lunchtime approached, Donna knocked gently on the door
and said, "Would you like me to plan on lunch before we get started?"

"No, I'm not hungry and I figure that's only going to get worse, you
might as well come on in, I'm about done anyway."

Entering the room Donna understood what it felt like to be called into
the principal's office. Steve's desk faced a window overlooking their
pool, with a nice view of their backyard. He had swiveled his chair
around so that he had his back to the desk and faced the door.

Steve's office was a wonderful dichotomy of antique furniture and the
latest computer and communication equipment. It had everything that a
professional might want or need in an office--except an extra chair.
Normally Donna hated to talk to Steve in his office; it had always made
her feel like a supplicant. She was vaguely amused that now, as a
supplicant, the lack of a chair didn't bother her.

Steve's piercing eyes touched her core and she stood straight as he
examined her. Finally, his eyes narrowed and he uttered the one word
that had hung over them like the sword of Damocles for the last three
weeks. "Why?"

Donna squared her shoulders, looked back at him, "You don't know how
hard this is for me. It's not that I don't want to explain, it's that I
don't want what I say to even hint that I'm trying to make any sort
excuse. I've had to spend a lot of time in self-examination. I needed
to find out why I did what I did. It is the only way I can make certain
that it never happens again.

There are reasons, but there are NO excuses for what I did, I know the
difference. I finally decided the best way to answer is to lay them out
one at a time and at the same time tell you what I'm going to do to make
sure that particular reason will never exist again. All I ask is that
you let me finish. If you want to take my head off after I say how I'm
going to fix it, don't hesitate, just remember that I'm not trying to
justify what I did."

She paused and studied Steve. He was a perfect image of a conflicted
man. She could see his pain, but she also saw what she had yearned to
see, he was hopeful. He wanted her somehow to make it better. He hadn't
given up on her yet. Paradoxically it made her more, not less nervous.
There was so much riding on this weekend.

Looking straight into Steve's eyes, trying to convey that she was being
as honest as she could be, she said, "I want to start with what I think
are the least important reasons and work up."

Steve nodded and Donna continued, "I was horny, it was our regular play
night and I was pissed that you couldn't take me to the pa?ty." She
could see Steve's face cloud up but before he could explode she
continued, "Steve, that's just a fact and it's a fact that I didn't
cheat every time I was horny, mad at you, and you weren't available. I
just mention..."

Anger soaking each word Steve growled, "And how the hell am I supposed
to know that? You got caught this time, but how am I supposed to
believe that you haven't cheated on me a million times?"

Donna had known this was coming and had though about it for a long
time. "You know because you have my word, and I've never lied to you. I
didn't lie to you about Gil either. I've destroyed your trust in my
behavior, but by my actions you also know that I didn't..."

Steve shouted, "You didn't say anything about what you'd done until he
tried to blackmail you, that's not telling the truth!"

Still, staring him straight in the eye but utterly calm Donna said,
"Steve, you know by what I did that I had no intention of ever cheating
with Gil again. If I had, he wouldn't have tried to blackmail me. As to
why I didn't come right back and tell you, that would have been cruel.
Gil was your best friend. I had made a horrible mistake. If you think
back, you'll remember how many times you asked me what was wrong after
the party and before I told you. You saw me crying and you tried
several times to get me to tell you what was wrong. You've never seen
me like that before in our marriage when I wouldn't talk to you about
it. If you'd asked I would have told the truth, but even though I
didn't understand just how much my cheating would hurt you, of course I
knew it would. I saw it as my duty to suffer in silence and not burden
you with my guilt. All the advice columnists, even Dr. Laura says that
if it's a one time thing with no chance of repeating that you just have
to live with your guilt."

Donna waited in silence as she watched Steve absorb her last statement.
As seconds dragged into minutes, she was certain that he was thinking
back to the way she'd acted not just those few days, but over their
whole marriage. Finally, she could see some of the anger drain from
Steve. When he spoke his voice was calm. "I didn't really believe that
you'd cheated on me before, but does that make a difference? You've
killed my trust and there's this huge hole in my life."

Donna took a deep breath; she was almost overwhelmed with the need to
take Steve in her arms and try to comfort him. Instead, she said, "If
wishes were horses then beggars would drive BMWs. I haven't said this,
I think you know how sorry I am, and I will do absolutely anything to
try to make your life easier. I can't just say I'm sorry, I have to be
willing to sacrifice anything to fill that hole for you..."

Steve face turned red and he snapped, "A little anal sex won't do a
damn thing!"

Still standing straight Donna said calmly, "I know that, and my offer
isn't just sexual. It was a sexual act that caused the hurt, but I do
understand that our problems are much bigger than sex. I've apologized
about the other night, I wasn't fair, but I will not apologize about
wanting you. I have Eve's curse in the worst way and that's one of the
pains I'm having to deal with."

Steve blinked several times, clearly so confused that his anger was
momentarily forgotten. Donna smiled, "I started reading the Bible,
don't ask why, it's just something I wanted to do and this morning I
read that Eve's punishment for the whole apple thing was that
childbirth was going to hurt like hell, which should have been enough,
but even knowing how much it hurt her she was still going to 'desire
her husband.'"

Donna saw Steve's incredulity and quickly added, "No, I haven't turned
into some sort of fundamentalist, but I need to change who I was. That
was the next reason and I'll tell you about how I'm going to fix them
together. You see, one of the reasons I failed you was that I didn't
think it was possible for me to cheat. I had never had the slightest
desire for anyone other than you. I loved that you were my 'only' and
frankly I took some pride in the fact that I 'got it right' with my
fir?t and only man. They say pride goes before the fall and that was
certainly true in my case. Anyway, my solution to those 'reasons' are
the same. I am going to try to be a more spiritual person, but I'm also
going to make damn sure that I'm never alone with another man when I'm
feeling horny."

Donna paused and made sure that Steve maintained eye contact before she
continued, "That's a promise, and I'll keep it no matter what you do,
you can not release me from that promise. That will be until the day I
die." She paused until Steve nodded that he understood that she meant
that even if he divorced her.

Donna smiled, she'd made an impression with her last statement, and she
saw a bit more anger leaching out of Steve. "Next is that I was drunk. I
knew I needed to sober up to drive, that's why I went outside, and you
know that means I was pretty far gone. Please believe me; I know that
is no excuse. No one drugged me or urged drinks on me. I'm totally
responsible for every one of them I took. I also know that when I get
smashed, I get very horny. I had no business drinking like that when
you weren't there. I will never have even a wine at dinner if you
aren't with me."

Steve was silent but when she didn't continue he finally said, "Isn't
that a little extreme, I mean if you're out with your girlfriends..."

For the first time, Donna let some of her self-disgust show. "Never
again! Not for the rest of my life!" Seeing his expression, she smiled.
"Well, you'll just have to come around so I can have some of my favorite
wine every now and then." Then she turned serious. "Look, I've destroyed
your trust in me, but I've destroyed my trust in myself too."

Steve looked thoughtful then nodded for her to continue, "Then the
biggie, and I don't want this to sound like an excuse either, but I
trusted Gil. I felt safer getting a little looped around him than I
would any of my girlfriends." She saw surprise on his face, nodded to
confirm what she was saying, and then continued, "I haven't said any of
the stuff about needed to feel younger. I think that's all crap. I
enjoyed flirting with Gil, but you know I'm not a flirt, I can't think
of anyone else I do flirt with... did flirt with. Gil was your best
friend and I thought he was mine. This is going to sound so lame, but
even when he kissed me, I wasn't worried. My first thought, I think my
last thought was something like a few harmless kisses would make me so
hot when I got home, I'd rape you. I knew I was vulnerable, but I knew
Gil wasn't drunk and I expected him to protect me like I know you would
have protected his wife, Nancy."

Donna felt a wave of pain wash over her and tears began to try to form.
She broke eye contact and looked at the floor, "Steve, I did try to push
him away maybe three times and I was lost. I never decided to do it,
it's like my mind shut down. I know I get that way with you. I love
getting that way with you, so turned on that I lose control. You've
seen the pictures, I can't pretend I didn't enjoy what happened, but
those were all at the start, in anticipation. When it got going, it
wasn't good. He wasn't good at all.

"When sanity returned and I was scampering to get my clothes back,
aside from the shame, all I could think about was how disappointed I
was that I was going to miss making love to you when I got home.

"I knew I couldn't be with you after I'd been with him, and I felt like
I'd traded a diamond for fool's gold. I still feel dirty, I gave away
something very clean at that party and like my virginity, I can't get
it back. I'm not the same person sexually and I understand why you
aren't attracted to me. I hope... I will change that, but while I'll do
my best to make it up to you, I will not resent how you feel about me.
EVER!"

Donna fought hard to keep that first tear from falling; this wasn't the
time for self-pity or Steve's sympathy. She looked up at him and said
fiercely, "I don't want you to ever wonder if he was as good as you.
Please Steve if you don't believe anything else, believe that. How good
or bad he was didn't have anything to d? with my decision never to be in
that situation again, but it's very important to me that you believe
that dissatisfaction with my sex life was NEVER one of the reasons that
this happened!"

Donna was breathing hard, and she wasn't sure if it was anger or fear.
She'd said her piece and now she was studying Steve's face trying to
figure out how he was responding. He seemed to be in deep thought and
it was only with the greatest of exertion of willpower that Donna held
her tongue. She'd always heard the expression "heart was in her throat"
but this time she felt she feel every beat of her heart as she waited
for him to speak.

Finally, he looked at her, his eyes boring into her soul just as they
had the first time they'd made love. "Donna, I don't know. I've spent
these last three weeks trying not to make a decision, but I couldn't
not think about it. I've thought about little else. My every instinct
is to either divorce you or make your life a living hell. I want to
hurt you the way you've hurt me, but I can't. I find I do love you.

As much as I hate what you've done, I love you. That doesn't mean I can
live with you or that I can't find a way to stop loving you. Still, I
have to admit that the idea of you somehow making it up to me has a lot
of appeal. There's nothing you can do sexually that will make this 'all
better, ' but there may be something else. I'm going to think about it.
If I can, it's going to cost you."

Donna nodded. "It won't be as hard as what I'm prepared to do." Her
voice was flat and so certain that she saw Steve pick up on it.

"Just what are you prepared to do, Donna?" There was suspicion in his
voice.

Donna felt her jaw clench, "It's not that I don't want to give you any
ideas, but you'll think less of me if you know. Please don't ever
ask..."

Steve's face hardened, "I am asking, if I'm ever going to learn to
trust you, there can't be secrets."

Donna sighed deeply, "I would agree to "die" to you and the kids. You
could divorce me and we could fake my death for the kids so they
wouldn't think I'd abandoned them. Then I would never have any contact
with you or them for as long as I live. That would allow you to find
someone new and she could replace me in their hearts. I've read that
the death of a parent is much easier on kids than divorce and the
aftermath. I haven't done the forsaking all others very well, but your
happiness is more important to me than even my children." She dropped
her head and said, "Steve you don't know how many times I've wished
that instead of going outside to sober up, which allowed that son of a
bitch to... Well I wish with all my heart I had had a fatal crash on
the way home instead. It would have been less painful for everyone."
Donna had tried but she couldn't stop her chin from quivering and as
the silence stretched, she couldn't control the tears. She turned away,
and when she still couldn't control them, she left. It was the God's
honest truth and she didn't want any sympathy for how she felt.

It took several minutes to get herself back under control in the
kitchen, but then she began to bustle around trying to get lunch
started. As she began to prepare a heart healthy lunch, she thought,
'You knew this was going to be hard, your tears aren't making it any
easier for him, so shut off the water works.'

Aloud she mumbled too herself, "I'd be a lot easier to not cry if he
hadn't made me confess what a horrible mother I am too. Crazy too,
'fake funeral!' I can't believe I said something that harebrained. Oh
God I do wish I'd died."

She felt Steve's strong arms around her restraining her, not holding
her, just restraining her, "I'm not a monster, I would never agree to
something like that. Our kids love you, and..." his voice choked up.

Feeling his arms around her thrilled her. She began trembling, but
managed to get herself under control. Donna turned in her husband's
arms so she could look up at his face, "Steve, when I decided I would
do anything, I had to think about the worst thing I could imagine.
That's it, not just leaving our kids but also trying to ge? them to
replace me. I don't want to hurt my kids, but if I have to choose who
to hurt, I have to choose not to hurt you."

Steve pulled her to him, not in a sexual embrace, but a comforting one.
"No Donna, I could never let you do anything like that. The idea is to
limit pain, not multiply it. I'm going to need to do some deep thinking
for a while. I'm not hungry, why don't you just order us a pizza, but
let me stew alone until I have some answers?"

Donna was torn, she hated the idea of letting him eat something as
unhealthy as pizza, but she was elated about the way his thinking
seemed to be going. This wasn't the time to pick a fight about food.
She looked at the ultra healthy if unsatisfying lunch she was starting
and said, "Sure, I'll order a mushroom pizza for both of us."

As Steve was walking away he answered, "That'll be fine as long as my
half has sausage pepperoni and double cheese on it. You said you wanted
to make me happy..."

Donna glared at his back, turned, and called in a Mushroom pizza light
on the cheese. When she hung up the phone she muttered, "I'm going to
make you happy, if it kills me, and you'll be alive for me to do it,
buster." This was a fight she wouldn't back down from. Curiously that
made her feel better about ordering the pizza.

Steve:

Steve didn't want Donna to see just how shook up he was by her
attitude. When she said she wished she'd tried to drive home drunk and
died, he had almost snapped "Me too!" That thought had horrified him.
Would he really have rather Donna had wrapped herself around a tree
than fucked Gil? The question hurt him where he lived because it wasn't
rhetorical.

It had taken him just long enough to answer it that he hadn't noticed
Donna leaving the room. Then another thought had occurred to him. What
he would have done if Donna or Gil had called and told him how drunk
she was. He knew that when Donna had one drink too many she shed her
inhibitions. It was something she'd always been careful about. Even
when they were dating, she'd never let herself go until she didn't have
to worry about trusting him not to take advantage of her.

Steve grinned and snorted, some of their best sex, and most of their
experimentation had been when she was a bit wasted.

The grin faded and Steve was aware of how his face hardened. Gil knew
about Donna's weakness too, although he'd never seen it, Steve had
discussed it with him. Had Gill called, he would have trusted Gil
completely, just as Donna had.

That didn't excuse her, but it gave him another choice. Upon whom did
he want to focus his revenge? His anger? Donna might have been swept up
by circumstances, but Gil had been cold eyed and calculating in what
he'd done. Donna had said no one pushed a drink on her. But based on
what Gil had turned out to be, a whoremonger with a string of corporate
whores, he probably did encourage her to take one too many. That son of
a bitch tried to turn his wife into a whore, and an unpaid whore at
that!

Steve spent a long time in silent thought. Finally, even in his anger
he had to acknowledge that Donna had never lied to him. He also knew
that if he had been asked a hypothetical question about a one-time
slip; he would have said not to reveal it.

What Donna did was devastating, but was it fatal? It wasn't an affair,
and it wasn't something she had planned. She hadn't gone to a motel or
even walked to a bedroom or even a couch. She certainly proved that she
never intended to let it continue. How much difference did those things
make?

Steve had been doing a lot of thinking in the last three weeks, most of
it about what life was going to be like after he divorced Donna.
Yesterday he'd visited with one of his 'old man' friends when Donna had
thought he was at work. The man had spent much of the time talking about
forgiveness. He said there were really two different kinds of
forgiveness. The first was a willingness to forgo vengeance, but not to
try to repair the relationship. The man had said that giving this type
of forgiveness was just plain good mental health to the giver. He had
asked, "Ho? much does your hatred hurt the other person and how much
does it hurt you? What will your vengeance cost you? Will it ever be
enough? Is there anything you can do to keep the hate from eating you
up except to release it?"

He had continued that this type of forgiveness was what allowed you to
stop letting what someone had done to you to control your life. It did
not mean that you had to spare the other the consequences of what
they'd done. "You don't have like them or even wish them well. The
important thing is that you can't forget about them until you decided
to forgive them."

"Forgiveness is a decision not an emotion." He had said that Steve
needed to think about finding a way to forgive Donna no matter what
else he did. Donna would always be the mother of his children and they
would never be able completely separate as long as the children lived.

He'd gone on to say the other kind of forgiveness, he called it full
forgiveness, was much harder. It involved trying to re-establish the
relationship as it had been. "The thing is though that that full
forgiveness is only possible if the other party repents and also works
to repair what they've done. Thank God that's so rare that you seldom
have to worry about it."

He'd put a fatherly hand on Steve and said, "Let me tell you a true
story. This isn't just about wives and husbands you know. I had to
forgive my only son a few years ago. He got messed up with the wrong
girl in college, he stole a lot of money from me and they disappeared
for almost a year. I can't tell you how close I came to siccing the
cops on him. Then he showed up, said he was in trouble, and needed my
help. The girl had been pregnant but now he didn't think it was his.
DNA tests cost a small fortune back then and he wanted to borrow the
money.

"I wanted to tell him that 'he'd made his bed now he had to sleep in
it' so bad I could just taste how good words were going to feel. The
only thing that stopped me was that it might have been my first
grandchild and I had to know. I told him that, and paid for the test.
It wasn't his, and he disappeared again. I had to spend a lot of time
getting over my 'mad' with him, wanting to get even for what he'd done.
It was killing me, until I just decided to forgive and forget him. I
wouldn't loan him money and I didn't care if I ever saw him again, but
it gave me peace. It made a world of difference, I could finally sleep
nights and I stopped fighting with my wife.

"Then I began getting checks in the mail from him. No return address,
just notes saying he was very sorry and that he'd pay me back no matter
what. Well, at the rate he was paying, it looked like he'd still be
paying when my ghost reached the century mark. Then it struck me, the
kid wasn't just 'sorry, ' he was trying to make things right and I had
to decide if I wanted a relationship or not. I decided I did and I
tracked him through his bank. I helped get him back in school and you
know how close we are now. Working with him, I was able to give him
full forgiveness. He's almost running my company, and he is the reason
I can take it easy these days and play with my grandkids. I've gained
more than I ever could by any sort of revenge that I might have been
able to cook up."

That talk had been more than he'd been able to digest. Steve loved his
kids and he knew what generally happened in a divorce with the kids and
later the grandkids. Dear old dad ended up sucking hind tit. Just
thinking about it had made him mad.

It was so unfair. What he really wanted was his old life back and Donna
had made that impossible. Or had she?

If he were going out on the meat market looking for a replacement,
would he consider a woman with Donna's history? He'd probably consider
himself lucky to find one with that few miles on her. What about Donna,
despite her pledge, did he believe, for even a second, that Donna
couldn't find a good man to replace him? A good man who would trust
her? Hell, Steve knew a dozen men that would pant and paw the ground to
forgive her and make her theirs.

Even before his friend's story, he kn?w he'd have to do something to
release his anger, and forgiveness did seem the easiest way. 'Is
forgiveness actually a choice?' He nodded his head. 'Is it a choice I
can make?'

Again, he spent a very long time in thought. Then, he remembered what
he'd read in a book about someone who had been in the Nazi
concentration camps. He thought it was Corrie Ten Boom. She said that
the Nazis had taken all her choices away. All except how she chose to
respond to them. He knew that it was Corrie Ten Boom who had said,
"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function
regardless of the temperature of the heart."

Steve didn't know the temperature of his heart, but he did believe that
he didn't have to rely on his feelings and emotions. He believed that he
had ability to choose how he was going to respond to Donna, and if he
forgave her, he would treat it just like he had the decision to stop
smoking. Every time he'd been tempted to light up, he'd just reminded
himself "I don't smoke anymore."

Was it as easy and as hard as that? Then there was the question what
kind of forgiveness. Why was he obliged to give her the full kind of
forgiveness if she repented?

It was clear from this morning that Donna was trying to repent. If
Donna was repenting and was prepared to sacrifice to make him better,
was that worth more to him than trying to start over with someone new?

He thought for a long time, hours and hours. Then he thought again for
a very long time. He didn't notice the pizza, nor dinner.

Then late that night -- he decided.

He called Donna to join him as he was walked into the den. He
deliberately didn't sit on the sofa where she might cuddle up to him.
Instead, he chose his recliner, the "daddy chair" next to the remote.
Donna came in looking very apprehensive, "Sit down Donna, I've made
some decisions."

She sat, on the very edge of the sofa, her hands clasped in her lap,
her eye beseeching him. He tried to give her a smile but thought it was
probably more of a grimace. "Gil is going to jail for a very long time,
but that isn't enough for me. I am going to hit Gil's company with the
biggest lawsuit in this state's history. They profited from what Gil
did with those other women just like Gil benefited. He seduced you on
their property, at their party and recorded it in their premises. He
intended to make money for his company by using you. They are going to
pay through the nose for that!"

Steve sighed, and then continued, "I had asked Mike if he could 'lose'
the pictures and the tape of you two. He promised that no one would
ever see them, but he said he couldn't destroy evidence. I glad that's
the case now, because I'm going to have to use that evidence."

"If I sue, that tape will become pubic record. Your friends and even
the kids can see it if they want to, I expect you to testify..."

Donna left the sofa and knelt by her husband's chair, she looked up at
him and said, "Steve, I'm not that brave, the only way I can do that is
if you hold my hand. I want you to do it, Steve! I want you to get
whatever you can to make you feel better. I'm not saying I won't do
what you want, but I can't stay here afterwards, knowing that every man
I meet might have seen me rutting like a cheap porn slut. If you leave
me, I'll have to leave this town. I won't be strong enough to face it
alone. I'll do anything you ask, but unless you stand by me, I won't be
able to live here after that comes out.

Steve was quiet for a long time, and then stood, bent down raised her
up and took her into his arms. "I had been thinking about selling my
company and moving across the country with the kids, that would shield
them from the ugliness, but I couldn't take them from you. I guess the
only solution is to take you with us.

He held her out from him and said, "Donna, I don't know if we can make
it. I love holding you like this, but then I see those images in my
mind and..."

Donna interrupted, "And you get furious with me. Why shouldn't you?
Look, we might need professional help, charge the bastards for that
too, and if mother's articles are?true it's going to take a lot of
time. It won't be a straight line from bad to good either. There will
be hills and twisting valleys along the way. There will be other issues
that grow out of this mess. One is that I think I'm going to look for a
church. It will probably be months before you're comfortable having me
in your bed. I will always want you to accept me faster than you will
be capable of doing. I'm going to have to work hard not to resent it
when you don't trust me. One thing I promise is that I'll never say
anything like 'why don't you just get over it?' Steve, if you'll agree
to let me work to make you whole again, I promise that will be the
purpose of my life.

Steve searched her eyes, as if he were trying to read her mind. He
couldn't miss her sincerity or her determination. Donna was a strong
woman, but he didn't know if she was strong enough to do what she
intended. He did know she was going to try. Finally, he said, "That's a
mighty high price for one slip isn't it?"

Donna snuggled into his chest. "My darling husband, when you slip, you
can expect a very had fall. You have to expect things to get broken,
unless there is someone there to catch you, sometimes twice.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue:

Donna and Steve watched as Steve Jr. stood in his cap and gown and
delivered the valedictorian address at his high school graduation.
Steve had his arm around her and ever so often, he would pat her
affectionately. It had been a very hard six years. It had been almost
three months before Steve had resumed sexual relations and it had been
over a year before sex was 'good.' One bonus was that she learned she
enjoyed anal sex, when she was properly prepared for it.

The move across the country to a small town had also been very hard.
However, it had let them have a fresh start. The kids had hated it at
first, but had learned to love it. Because Gil's company settled rather
than go to court, a wise decision with all the publicity that Gil's
trial and 30-year sentence produced, the tape was never made public.
The seven-figure settlement and the sale of his construction business
had allowed Steve to start over in a bigger and better way.

After years of counseling, Donna believed their marriage was in good
shape. She had lived her new rules and had never resented them. Steve
and his happiness remained Donna's top priority and if she hadn't yet
managed to fill all of the hole she'd created, she had found that she
derived great satisfaction working on new ways to make him happier.

The main reason that she had never felt any resentment for some of the
attitudes, moods and rules that Steve had forced on her was that she
never lost sight of her admiration of him, and what he'd sacrificed to
keep her.

It also made it easier that they discovered they could fight over the
things they'd always fought over. As soon as Donna moved back into
their bedroom, the laptop was once again banished. Steve threw seven
kinds of fits over the change in their menu, but Donna had stood her
ground. The real difference from before 'the slip, ' was that only
times Donna decided to stand her ground it was because she was
convinced it was what was best for Steve and their marriage.

Donna patted Steve's leg as Steve Jr. finished. It hadn't been a long
speech, just thirteen minutes. Her whole 'affair' from the time Gil had
turned on the cameras until she begun to get dressed lasted four full
minute less than her son's address. Yet those few minutes had turned
her whole world upside down and almost destroyed it. "I so proud of our
son, honey, almost as proud as I am of you. I love you Steve."

Steve was watching his son, and it was impossible to not see his
contentment, "I love you too honey, you've made me the happiest man on
the planet. I don't see how life could get any better."

Donna swallowed the lump in her throat and thought, 'But it will, I'll
make certain of that! I promise!'


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
                          The End

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Please drop me a note and tell me what you thought.  Don't worry about
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