                               Home Early
                             Copyright by Joesephus

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Synopsis: and you know what happens... Right?

Codes: MF no-sex slow het cheat
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As always I'd like to thank my editor Erik Thread for his hard work and
advise. This isn't the story I wrote the first time, or the second or
even the third. However, the last one Erik saw was the third, so I know
I've made errors since he last fixed this.

I'd also like to thank fdkman262 who gave me some great insight into
what I'd written as opposed to what I needed to write. It's a much
better story because of his advise and skill as a writer.



This story was written with MS Word.  I used things like bold and italics
to make dialogue more understandable.  Those were lost when I converted 
this to TXT format.  If you wish to read the version with the formats
You can find them posted on other sites.  I would suggest you search 
for the title and Joesephus.


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[This story was submitted in one piece by the author. It has been
divided into multiple chapters to provide compatibility with wider
range of browsers, so chapter limits have no meanings. Storiesonline]

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Chapter 1


I was lying on our bed, lost in an erotic glow when I heard the garage
door activate. 'Shit!" I blurted. Vaulting to my feet, I glanced at the
clock 10:45! No! She couldn't be home yet! "Oh Shit! Shit! Shit! SHIT!"

I looked at our bedroom, the rose petals, the champagne and wondered if
my whole life was about to crumble around me... 

I'm an architect, and I'd been on my own for about a year. I'd been
working incredible hours because with only one client, my staff
consisted of me, myself and I. My office was in an abandoned gas
station. I'd tried to have an office at home, but I found I was taking
too many breaks to spend time with Judy and the girls. We had identical
twin girls who were born nine weeks before I graduated from the
University of Texas six years ago. They hadn't been planned, but we
were overjoyed.

We both wanted a large family, but something had gone wrong during the
birth process, and she'd had never been able to get pregnant again.
We'd tried some fertility treatments, but although the doctors had been
certain some of the newer techniques would be successful, we'd decided
to put them off because of expenses when I struck out on my own.

Judy had stayed home with the girls until I opened my office. Money was
tight, and we'd needed an extra salary. So, without complaint she
started working for an oil company as an executive assistant. Judy
thought her job had the prefect hours for a working mother. Monday to
Thursday she didn't go in until nine and she was off at three. Great
hours, except on Fridays when she had to be at the airport for a 7:10
AM flight to Dallas to facilitate her boss's weekly meetings. The
airport was a twenty-minute mad dash from our house, or thirty if you
drove the speed limit.

It made for a long day because they didn't leave Dallas until 6:25 and
Judy rarely walked in the door before 8:15. Then, almost four months
ago, it got much worse. Judy's boss got a promotion and the meetings
started running longer. After they missed a few planes and had to pay a
premium, they began to simply schedule the final flight, which didn't
arrive in Midland until 9:55. It was generally close to eleven when
Judy got home. I hadn't been happy about it but since Judy didn't
complain, I didn't say anything.

Tonight was supposed be pure fun and great sex! Now... now it looked
like everything was going to be ruined! I glanced at the clock, again,
10:45! No, she couldn't be home!

I heard her car pulling into the garage. Why was she arriving home now,
the time when she'd get in if the plane landed on time? But I knew the
plane wasn't on time, because, out of character, I'd checked on the
flight. I had wanted everything timed perfectly for when she walked
through the door.

In a disoriented fog, I glanced around the room one more time. I saw
the bowl of rose petals I'd planned to strew across the bedspread. The
champagne in the ice bucket I'd rented from the liquor store. I thought
of the "caramelized pecan apple pie" I bought at HEB. It took an hour to
cook the frozen pie and I'd only put it in the oven a half hour ago. I'd
also picked up the HEB store brand "1905 vanilla ice cream" to top it.
Hot apple pie with ice cream is Judy's favorite dessert, and it was one
of the few things I could cook.

For a few precious seconds I was distraught that she'd ruined my
surprise for her. This was a big day for us. I had learned today that
the first house I'd designed had won a Frank Lloyd Wright prize! For an
architect that's like... like winning the Nobel Prize!

I'd debated announcing the prize at a family dinner, but I'd decided I
wanted to make my announcement to Judy alone, make it the start of a
romantic weekend before we again started the very un-sexy process of
the fertility treatments. With all the business the prize would
generate we should be able to afford the very best. I hoped Judy would
be delighted.

So, the twins were with my folks on one of their weekend RV trips to
sightsee. I had told them I'd have big news when we all went out for
dinner Sunday night.

I heard the garage door activate to close, but Judy shouldn't be here
yet. My long denied suspicions formed ranks and began a brutal assault
on both my head and my heart. While my gut had been telling me she was
having an affair, my heart continued to deny it. What do I really know?
I asked myself.

Her recent habit of going straight to the hot tub when she got home on
Friday started about the time of the late flights. She wouldn't even
change into a bathing suit first, she'd just hop in wearing her bra and
panties. She called it "Momma's come down time." I now felt sure it was
a terrible play on words; Judy had always been clever that way.

Since the late flights began, we never make love on Fridays when she
comes home. She's too tired from work. But before the late flights
began, when she arrived only a couple hours earlier, she practically
attacked me when she got home from Dallas. If I hadn't been so
pleasantly shocked, I would asked her about it. Before those Fridays, I
could count on the fingers of one hand the times she'd initiated sex,
and still have fingers and a thumb left over. Yet for over a month,
she'd barely waited until the girls were down.

After she'd started the late flights, it never happened again. She was
still as responsive as ever when I wanted to fool around, but never on
Fridays. Of course that could make sense after putting in an eighteen
hour day... but... 

Her prattle about work had changed too. So had our social life. When
she first started working, we frequently went to small gatherings with
her co-workers, and she would rave about how wonderful her boss was. I
remembered being jealous when I kept hearing about his incredible
business acumen, or when I listened to her drone on and on about his
resemblance to Sean Connery, in his prime, of course. Then about three
or four months ago, she stopped talking about him, and we stopped
seeing her co-workers. I remember being relieved because my own hectic
schedule left me too drained to enjoy the evenings out. Now, I was
certain it she changed because of a more sinister reason.

As the reasons continued to percolate, the most damning of all
surfaced. I couldn't remember the last time she'd told me she loved me.
The last time she'd given me one of her loving pecks on the cheek or and
unsolicited hug. Judy had always been a demonstrative woman, and now she
wasn't. At least not with me!

I froze mid-thought. I wanted to scream my denial. Judy, my Judy, the
woman who taught me the difference between making love and fucking, the
only woman I'd ever made love to, couldn't be about to walk in soiled
from her lover's bed! That image threatened to overwhelm me. Then she
called out, "Matt, where are you? I'm so glad to be home!" Her voice
sounded so normal, her tone just didn't fit the mental image I'd
formed.

I shook my head, it couldn't be, not my Judy, maybe I'? been looking at
the wrong flight. Or maybe the plane had made up the time somehow.

In three strides I was at the computer in our bedroom. I hit the escape
button and the screen saver cleared. I clicked the refresh button.
There, displayed on the screen, was her flight number with the
notation. It was going to be another half hour before it landed! I
looked back at our bed, rumpled from where I'd been lying, and for a
second I wanted to run away. I wanted to retreat back to the land of
denial, but I'm not made that way. The question was in the open now and
I had to have an answer.

Tumbling down the stairs, I knew I wasn't speaking, but I felt a
guttural sound forming deep in my throat. When I got to the enclosed
deck Judy had already shed her blouse and was unzipping her slacks. I
came up behind her and grabbed her in a rough bear hug.

"Matt, please you know how tired I am when I get back, let me relax
until tomor..." As I began to push my hand into her panties she began
to squirm in my arms.

"No Matt, maybe later... NO MATT! She was squirming harder but as my
hand worked its way toward her thatch she became frantic. Twisting
violently and with surprising strength, she burst free and shouted,
"DAMN IT. I SAID NO!" She stood there panting from the effort and
glaring at me. I moved toward her, my intention clear. Her eyes got
very big and she said in a quiet voice that stopped me in my tracks.
"No Matt, not this way. I won't let you find out this way."

I don't think I'd actually processed what I was doing until that
second. Those thirteen words, left me as pole-axed as a bull at a
slaughter house. I was as surely in medical shock as if she'd shot me.
I looked at her and... I felt nothing. I couldn't understand it. I knew
my world had just been destroyed yet I felt nothing. I was
preternaturally calm. I tried to feel something, anything, but there
was nothing there.

In a voice so calm I had trouble believing it was mine I said, "You
wouldn't do this to us unless you loved him. Did you ever love me?"

Her face turned tender, "I did love you. I didn't mean for it to
happen. I didn't mean for this... I never wanted this to happen. I
never thought it would be like this, I'll always..."

I didn't want to hear any more. I cut her off, "Are you going to marry
him?"

There was a charged silence, I stared at her silently demanding an
answer. She bit her lower lip, "It's come up, he's been pushing me to
decide, I'm so confused, I just haven't been able..."

I cut her off again. "Please do me the courtesy of going back to his
place. I just figured this whole sordid affair out because your flight
hasn't landed yet. I need time alone to think this through."

Judy moved towards me, her face full of compassion intending to take me
in her arms as she said, "Oh Matt, I'm so sorry I wish this never got
started. Please let me explain it to you, I'm so sorry you found out
this way..."

I pulled back, feeling like I might have been made from the most
delicate of cut glass crystal, knowing that at her slightest touch I
would shatter, irreparably. I took another step back my hand extended
to stop her. "Please, just get what you need and leave. Mom and Dad
have taken the girls on one of their rambles. They'll be out of contact
until Sunday evening. We'll talk Sunday afternoon. I don't want to see
or hear from you before then." I was trembling. In a distant part of my
brain some part of me wondered if it was rage, fear or a heart attack.

She looked at me her eyes pleading, opened her mouth to speak and I cut
her of with firm "No!"

A flicker of fear passed over her face, she sighed and went to our
bedroom. The numbness returned. I went into the den, sat heavily in my
recliner and wondered just how long the gray void in my mind would
last. I have no idea how much time passed before she returned. Her
expression was wistful, but I also something I'd only seen when she'd
been told she could never have another child.

"Matt? I saw what you had planned, I... I didn't mean to spoil it... If
you would like..."

The words hit me like a thunder cla?. The BITCH! She was offering me a
mercy fuck! A sloppy seconds mercy fuck at that! I started to get out
of my chair, she saw my face, sobbed and fled. She must have sat in her
car for a while because it was several minutes before I heard the garage
door open, then close.

As soon as I heard the garage door thunk closed, I slumped back in my
chair and the colorless void descended again. I don't know how long I
sat there, my mind a perfect Zen blankness before I fell asleep.

I awoke in a rage from a vivid dream of Judy making love to her boss.
It hadn't been wild illicit sex but tender love. Every part of my body
groaned as I arose from my chair, every joint screaming abuse, but I
was also burning with a type of anger I'd never experienced. I stomped
back to our bedroom. "OUR BEDROOM!" There was no more 'us, ' there
could be no more 'our.' In a red haze I grabbed the champagne bottle
from the cooler and I smashed anything breakable... until I was poised
over the delicate Dresden figurine of a young woman, with a hundred
petty coats covered by a pale blue ball gown and holding a faun. It was
Judy's only inheritance from her grandmother. As much as I wanted to
smash that six inch high china doll I just couldn't.

I looked around the room. I'd annihilated it, and I didn't feel one bit
better. I looked at the champagne bottle in my hand and marveled that it
hadn't broken. Not thinking I tore off the wrapper, untied the cork and
pulled it out with a loud pop. The bubbly shot out, just like you see
in the movies. I had never been a wine snob, but as a kid I'd once read
a biography of the Rothschild family. I'd promised myself that if I ever
"made it big" I'd celebrate with the one of the most expensive
champagnes in the world, Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac. I drank
directly from the heavy glass bottle and I vowed I'd never touch the
stuff again. It tasted like shit. It didn't put me to sleep either, but
exhaustion did and I slept again. I didn't dream, thank God.

I awoke a few hours later as the first light filtered through the
window. Whatever type of rage I'd had was gone and my mind had
retreated to that numbness. I was dead inside. I tried to summon anger,
then sadness, and I got nothing. My marriage was over, I understood
that, but my mind refused to accept the reality. Instead it looked for
answers in the past.

Judy and I had met while I was at the University of Texas. She attended
Southwestern University in Georgetown and played soccer on their Div III
team. I played club soccer at UT and had put together a group to enter
in a seven a side tournament held on SU's fields.

Judy had come out to watch, and caught my eye. I made a total ass of
myself, trying to show off. We didn't even advance in the tourney we'd
won the year before and would win the year after. Judy, bless her
heart, pretended not to notice. From that day on we were inseparable.
Driving the 26.8 miles up and down I35, we burned enough gas to fill
the strategic reserve, but who cared.

She was a virgin when we met, I'd had one girlfriend in high school who
I'd fucked seventy-three times before we broke up. Yes, I counted, and I
couldn't imagine how anyone couldn't keep track of something as
important as that! I knew Judy and I were destined to get married when
I lost count of how many times we made love, not fucked but made love,
on our first weekend together. It was in a nice room at the Four
Seasons near the airport after the tri delt's, spring formal on a
Friday night. The funny thing though was we didn't made love Friday
night. As we were getting undressed Judy freaked out. She said she
couldn't, not without a permanent commitment.

Naked, I got on one knee I asked Judy to marry me. Clad in her bra and
panties while clutching the sheet to cover her, she accepted... but
still wanted a ring! I spent the night on the floor. We were at
Americus Diamond out by Highland Mall as soon as their doors were open,
and I bought one I thought she would always be proud to wear. Back at
our room we exchanged private vows before God as I slipped the ring on
he? finger.

As we kissed, I slid my hand down her back to her very tight and
muscular ass. She snuggled into me and I was rock hard. With a sigh she
pulled me to the bed. Without breaking our kiss she slowly sat then
reclined.

I slipped my hand under her blouse and she took a deep breath to expand
her smallish breast up to me while her tongue made its first ever entry
into my mouth. I moved my hand from her breast to her thigh and slowly
moved up under her pleated skirt. After a short hesitation she opened
for me and her kiss deepened.

When my fingers reached her panties, the most intimate we'd been to
that point, they were soaked through. As my fingers moved under her
panties, her whole body began to tremble. I broke our kiss, pulled back
and looked down on her. Her eyes had been clenched shut but now
fluttered open. Looking up at me she gave me a nervous smile and slowly
arched her back pushing against my hand. To make her point very clear,
she used her free hand to pull up both her blouse and her bra baring
her breast for me as she said "kiss me" softly.

Complying, I began to circle my tongue around her areola. Then I opened
my mouth as wide as I could and took most of her breast into my mouth. I
speared my tongue onto her nipple pushing it into her softness. For the
very first time I heard her actually gasp in sexual pleasure.

Taking advantage of her passion and wetness, I pushed my finger inside
her for the very first time. She flinched, but her hymen allowed entry,
and it didn't tear. When my finger was all the way in I curled it up to
search for her G spot.

I pulled off her breast and looked at her. She gave me a puckish but
embarrassed grin, and pulled me back to her breast. As I took it back
into my mouth I heard her sigh in pure sexual pleasure.

I knew I'd found her G spot when she began to squirm and shift to bring
us fully up on the bed. I pulled my finger out as we repositioned
ourselves, then I started to pull her panties off. Her reaction was
immediate. She clutched them for a second then looking into my eyes and
begged, "Please don't look at me down there, please, promise."

I nodded but vowed that this was one hang-up that we'd banish before we
left the room. I'd learned to love giving head and I knew that Judy
would too, but this wasn't the time to push.

Judy swallowed hard and using both hands she managed to keep her skirt
from moving up as I pulled her panties down. She looked so vulnerable
as she tentatively opened her legs barely enough to allow my hand
between them. I kissed her and said softly. "Would you like to get
under the sheets?"

She looked so relieved, I almost smiled. As we crawled under the sheets
I gave a little tug on her blouse and with another nervous smile she
pulled it over he head. "I'm sorry I'm so small..."

"Sweet heart..." I paused, it was the first time I'd used that word and
it sounded strange. I rolled it around in my head and decided I liked
it. "Sweetheart, I've always been an ass man, and yours is prefect. But
you know the old saying, 'anything more than a mouthful is wasted.' Well
you already know that you've got more than a mouthful, and they're so
perfectly shaped I'd hate to have them any bigger."

"Oh Matt," She said in a tone of disbelief, but her face flushed with
pleasure. With that quick move only a woman can do, her bra disappeared
and she pulled me to the breast that I'd yet to suckle.

When I moved my hand back between her thighs she opened a tiny fraction
more, perhaps enough to allow my leg between them. I moved over her a
bit and pushed on my hand with my upper thigh as my finger moved back
inside her. Again she flinched as my finger stretched her hymen. Her
whole body tensed until I again curled up to press her G spot. As soon
as I found it she pressed hard against me, turning slightly to rub on
my hand.

My problem was that she also rubbed on my cock which almost made me
explode. I knew I should take more time, but I was afraid I wouldn't
make it. Pulling out I practically ripped my pants off, only slowing to
retrieve a condom from my billfold.

?rying to think of cold showers and the shriveled crone that taught me
algebra in eighth grade I tore open the package and rolled it on. I
tried, I really tried to go slow as I moved over her. I could see the
apprehension in her eyes as my body forced her legs open enough to let
me between them.

With a wan smile Judy pulled her knees back to give me access. I told
her I loved her, pushed forward and felt her hymen rip. She winced and
I came!

I was mortified. I'd never cum so much in my life, or gone soft so
quickly. I tried. I squeezed the base of my cock trying to hold the
blood in to stay hard. I tried to push that limp noodle into her, but
all I accomplished was to pull out of my condom.

Judy didn't say word but her quizzical expression spoke volumes. I
blushed, "No, that's not supposed to be all there is, but... I just got
too excited. I've wanted you so long you felt so good that I couldn't
help it. The next time will be much better I promise."

Judy wasn't able to keep all the disappointment from her expression but
her words were more than kind. "We've got a lifetime to get this right,
and practice makes perfect. Are you ready to try again, now?"

I didn't have the courage or the heart to tell her that as much as I
wished otherwise I required more than three minutes to re-charge.
Instead I said, "I'd love to, but I only have one condom." I silently
added in my billfold. "I'm going to need to run to a drug store to buy
more."

Judy looked skeptical, after all I had rented the room for two nights
when we checked in, but bless her heart she didn't say anything. I
said, "I'm going to clean up a bit and be back in no time."

I didn't actually take that long. By the time I'd bought another box,
to go with the box I had in my overnight bag, I knew I was ready. The
second time started out worse than the first. Because the first condom
had slipped off I decided to use two the second time. Unfortunately, I
slipped them on before I was fully hard. Cutting off the blood flow
they kept me from getting fully hard until tore one off.

With my pressure relieved, I was able to concentrate on Judy and
brought her to an orgasm before I tried to enter her. The only other
mistake I made was because neither of us knew that a hymen could be
torn more than once. Since my first entry wasn't complete I'd only
partially ripped it. The second time I was surprised when she yelped as
I finished the job.

That was the only mistake that I'd made the rest of the weekend. By the
time we left the room on Sunday, Judy loved oral sex as much as I did.
Unlike my first girlfriend she was anxious to have me cum in her mouth,
and she always swallowed.

We were married during the following Christmas holidays. We lived in
Round Rock, and both finished a year later. Except for those first two
times, I couldn't remember a single time when I wasn't certain that
Judy enjoyed sex at least as much as I did. Thinking back to the last
few times when we'd made love, I was certain that she'd been more than
satisfied.

Nor had I been inattentive. Even with all the extra hours I'd been
working she'd never said a word about being lonesome or needing more of
my time. You've heard the expression "I worshiped the ground she walked
on." In my case it was true. When we built this house, I made a trip
back to Georgetown and took a grass plug from their soccer field. It
was from the very the spot I'd first seen her. I bought enough sod of
the same type of grass to make our yard, but that little plug was the
first thing I planted. No, our sex life was the stuff of dreams. Our
family life? Frankly, although Judy would never allow me anal, about
the only thing we never tried, I was convinced her shit didn't stink.

I pursed my lips, I couldn't find the answers in our past. As I fixed
myself a cup of Twinning's China Black tea, I tried again to summon
some sort of emotion, even pain. I still felt nothing. I could generate
faux feelings, but real emotion of any kind were just beyond me. I think
my sub-conscious understood that I couldn't deal with the pain yet, and
I didn't ha?e the stamina for the rage I felt earlier. Besides, I
needed to be unemotional if I was going to salvage anything from the
fetid swamp where Judy had cast me.

I'd known our marriage was over as soon as I realized that she was
cheating. As I was destroying the bedroom last night, I knew I wanted
to hurt her, to punish her. I WAS surprised this morning to find that
I'd slashed everything in her closet. I had shredded all of her
underwear, and ripped up everything else in her closet. I hadn't even
been aware that I'd gotten my fish filet knife from my tackle box until
I saw it on the floor near the bed. That realization brought back
memories of a boyhood friend and it terrified me.

Desperate not to revive that gruesome memory, I began to review what I
knew about Judy's affair. First, she'd said she'd thought about
marrying him. I wondered why that concept wasn't causing me pain. My
mind shied away from even the image of a fully clothed Judy in that
man's arms, but the idea of her getting married to him didn't seem to
bother me at all.

I explored that line a bit further with that same unnatural detachment.
I felt to the fiber of my being that Judy still loved me. I was certain
that if I pushed it I could "win" her back. I knew all her levers, and
I had the advantage of the twins and her own moral code. I knew how
guilty she had to be feeling, and if I were honest how easy Judy is to
manipulate.

I then thought about man who was fucking her. I knew a fair amount
about her boss, James Capote. In his late forties, he'd been divorced
from his second wife for over five years, with two children, a boy
about to graduate from Midland Lee high school and a daughter two years
behind him. According to Judy he was always trying to increase his
access to them, but only had them every other weekend and alternating
holidays. He didn't even get them over the summer.

I'd met him many times shortly after Judy started working, but not at
all for the last three or four months. I didn't like him from the
start. He had wandering eyes. Although I could understand him going
after Judy, I had trouble believing that Judy could have actually
fallen for him.

That line of thinking tempted me to go down the "what if" memory lane,
or the "what did I do wrong" path. Instead, I went to my computer and
began to research the divorce laws in Texas. I discovered that a
divorce can be final in Texas in as little as 60 days after the filing.
The decree had to be read in open court but the parties didn't even have
to be there if it wasn't contested. The quicker this is over the better
I thought.

There were forms you could print out, for a fee, and I gladly paid. I
spent several hours thinking about what I wanted out of a settlement
and how I could get Judy to agree to my terms. I finally decided that I
wanted what was best for my girls. I thought about calling and
cancelling our credit cards, emptying our bank accounts, but I decided
that as much as I hated Judy right now, I didn't think she'd try to
steal from me, or from our girls.

I wanted the house so the girls wouldn't have to move. We'd borrowed
every penny of equity to help me start my business, which had only
amounted to about ten grand. With the prize I'd be able to borrow what
I needed to buy Judy out. With the award my business was going to be
worth a fortune. I didn't want her, or more importantly that asshole
Capote to have any claim. That was another reason to get this done
quickly. The awarding of the prize wouldn't be made public until the
big banquet in three months. The winners wouldn't be publicly announced
until then, but it wasn't like the academy awards, the winner sometimes
knew in advance. Held in New York City, I'd been given a heads up since
I normally wouldn't have made plans to attend. Hell, if I wasn't winning
a prize I couldn't have gotten a ticket.

Yes, that was another excellent reason to get this settled quickly.
Which meant I had to provide a fair division if I wanted it done. I was
torn between wanting everything that hinted at our life together gone
and wanting to hav? as few changes made as possible for the girls. I
decided that I'd have an appraiser come in a value everything we had,
including the things I'd destroyed. I'd offer to buy replacement stuff
in addition to her half of our property. We would alternate picking
what we wanted until someone reached half the total value.

I went through the rest of the housekeeping details of how to sunder
our relationship, making notes and adding specifics to the forms I'd
bought. By evening I thought I had a plan I could live with and that
Judy would readily accept. I realized that I hadn't eaten a thing all
day and that the very thought of food turned my stomach. Still, if I
was going achieve my goals, I'd need my strength. Not trusting my
culinary skills I wondered what kind of food would go best with slicing
up our life together. I ordered pizza.

As I ate my mind returned to what I could do to hurt Judy, to make her
hurt. I knew that when I got past the denial stage the emotional pain
was going to be unbearable. But how could I make her feel that kind of
pain too. Leaving me wasn't going to hurt her, not like it was me. I
mean sure there would be regrets, but she was leaving me for someone. I
would be the one alone. There was nothing that I could do that would
break her heart. Yet as much as I was in denial, as unacceptable as
what she had done was, I didn't think I could stop loving her. After
much internal debate and rationalizing I realized that it wasn't my
choice to keep her or send her away. She made that choice when she
accepted Capote into her body. Having a wife do that was something I
would not live with, period.

If it wasn't my choice if she stayed or left, what was the worst that I
could reasonably hope for? Then it came to me, the perfect solution. I
still had to ask myself if I could pull it off. Judy had always been
deferred to my wishes. It used to drive me nuts that I could never get
her to tell me things like where she'd like to go out for dinner. She
might pout later about my choice but she refused to ever give me her
opinion unless I made an issue out of it.

Could I use that to push her into what I wanted her to do? Ultimately
it would be her choice. Still, I knew I had a good shot. I knew her...
perhaps not as well as I should have, but I did know what sorts of
pressures she responded to, and I knew I could bring a lot of
pressure... Late into the night I plotted and planned. This was going
to take a very delicate touch.

Judy called a little after eight. I took several deep breaths before I
answered. "Judy, you've made your choice; even if you didn't mean to
you've made the choice for both of us. The question now is how this is
going to affect the girls. You know divorce is always hard on kids,
especially ones the girls' age. The question is, do you want a war or
are we going to work to make it as easy on them as possible."

"Matt, please let me talk, I'm sorry I hurt you, I love you, I don't
want you to hate me... I never expected for it to get this far, but I
still..."

I almost lost it when I heard the word LOVE "Judy, every time I hear
your voice it just makes me hate you and what you've done more. Do you
realize the effect this sorry affair is going to have on the twins?
We're trying to raise them with values and morals. How are we going to
explain that you threw away the most solemn vows a person can make for
some recreational sex?"

Judy was sobbing, "It wasn't like that..."

"Oh really! Even after months you still hadn't decided to marry him.
How's that going to sound to the girls?" I paused and let the silence
linger. Then I continued, "I'm sorry, I managed to reach my folks and
told them to plan on keeping the girls a little late. If you agree,
I'll have them brought over here at five and we can give them the news
together. Otherwise I'll tell them alone.

"I will be civil to you while we talk to the girls but that's the last
time I ever want to hear your voice until we're divorced. I'm working
very hard not to say the things I want to say. You will always be the
mother of my children and we will hav? to talk about them. Just don't
push me right now."

"Matt, I really didn't mean to hurt you, it just..."

"Yeah I know it just worked out that way. Let's get this done as
quickly as possible. I'll pay for an apartment for you, I just hope you
don't plan to live with your asshole unless you get married. That would
really wrap them." I paused and let my heart rate slow. "I'd like to
keep as much of this sordid mess from them as I can. It's up to you,
you're calling the shots."

"Could I come right now and talk..."

"No."

"Please Matt, I don't want it to be this way..."

I cut her off. In my most forceful voice I said, "Our marriage has been
over from the second you spread your legs for him" I sighed
dramatically. "Whatever your reasons you killed it. So let's just bury
it as decently as we can." I paused for emphasis then said in a wistful
tone, "I really hope you'll marry him. Not just for the girls, I think
it'll make it easier on me too. I don't want to think you killed our
marriage just for some hot sex..."

I then let the silence build. Finally Judy and said, "Okay Matt, if
that's what you want, I'll do it your way."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If there's a hell, I've been there. The detachment stayed, or I think I
would have died from the pain I saw in my little girls when Judy started
the "You need to know that your daddy and I love you very much, but
sometimes adults make mistakes..." talk.

She went on for several minutes using euphemism the girls didn't
understand. Finally I said as gently as I could, "Your mommy has fallen
in love with another man and now she wants to marry him. I've said it
was okay so we will need to get a divorce."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew that I would have
done anything not to have said them. A poem by Omar Khayyam I learned
in high school ricocheted around in my brain and I had to fight back
the tears.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit 
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

Nothing has changed in the ten centuries since he wrote that. My whole
universe consisted of their two precious faces. I couldn't even see the
rest of their bodies, just two little masks of pain. I wasn't much older
than they when the father of a friend on my soccer team murdered his
mother and then killed himself right in their living room. His little
sister and my friend had been hiding in their room as their parents
yelled at each other. The only thing he remembered hearing before the
shots was his father yelling, "They're better off with dead parents
than this."

There had been a terrible fight between his grandparents for custody,
and his mom's parents who lived in another state won. I never saw him
again, but at that moment I knew just how his father had felt. It took
every erg of my willpower not to get my gun and kill Judy. I've never
hated anyone like that in my whole life. I thought I had, but until I
saw what this was doing to my daughters I hadn't the tiniest inkling of
what real hate was.

I know other things were said, the girls asked questions and Judy must
have answered them. I couldn't hear a sound. All I knew was that I was
holding two waling little treasures. Finally a question penetrated,
"But, Mommy why don't you love Daddy anymore?"

I blinked and color returned to the world. I saw a creature, it
couldn't be human. No human could bear the pain written on the body
that looked like Judy's. Its face was a confused contortion of pain
trying to radiate love to my daughters, "Mommy still loves Daddy, she
will always love Daddy..."

I jumped in, "You won't understand this until you get older, but Mommy
had to choose and she choose him. Sometimes people love more than one
person but you can only be married to one. Mommy needs to be married to
Mr. Capote, but we're all going to try to make this as easy on you as we
can. Mr. Capote will love you very much, but I will always be your
daddy. You're just getting an extra person to love you, j?st like mommy
is."

Carrie, always the more demonstrative of the twins pulled herself out
of my arms, rushed her mother and began to windmill blows on Judy using
every ounce of her strength. Laurie followed her sisters lead a few
seconds later but she'd picked up a long brass kaleidoscope from the
coffee table. Her first blow cut Judy's forehead just above her left
eye. I grabbed Laurie back, but made no attempt to help Judy. Instead I
said in a voice that sounded unnaturally cold, "You've upset the girls,
I think you'd better go. I'll let the Captain know when you can pick up
your stuff."

Judy stood, blood pouring over her eye, and walked into the kitchen to
get ice and paper towels. When she returned a few minutes later both
girls had their arms wrapped around me and were crying. Judy started to
open her mouth but I cut her off. "You will be staying with the Captain
won't you, or do you want the girls to only call you on your cell?"

Washing her face had taken off her makeup and her eye was swelling
shut, but her voice was calm when she answered, "It's where I've been
the last two nights. I haven't said anything yet... I hoped we'd talk
to him as a family..."

I cut her off again, "Girls, please go to your room, your mother and I
need to talk alone for a few minutes."

As soon as they'd left I said, "As much as I admire and love the
Captain, he's your father and I think you need to tell him alone.
Besides, I'm sure you'll want to start planning the wedding."

I took a deep breath, "I've got a packet with some legal papers I've
drawn up. I'd like you to take them with you. This is my plan for how
to divide our property and settle our affairs... sorry bad choice of
words. I will agree to pretty much anything you want, except the girl's
custody and your using my name... I'll relent on that if you marry
Capote as soon as this is final, it'll help hide what happened from the
girls, but either way, I want this over in the minimum time, which is
sixty days from Monday.

"I sort of lost it a minute ago, but if you'll agree, we can meet with
our lawyer in the morning and work out a deal. I'm sure your boss will
give you the day off and I want the papers filed by tomorrow night. If
we can do that, I'll promise to do everything I can to help your
relationship with the girls. I'll never tell them, the Captain, or
anyone else that you're a lying cheating whore who tore up our happy
home."

Judy had been looking like she wanted to interrupt but her tears
finally started to fall. Without a word she turned and walked quietly
out the door.

When I finally got the girls down for the night, I retired to my chair.
I put my head in my hands and I whispered, "The Captain, oh shit, this
is going to kill him. I'm so sorry this had to happen to him; he
doesn't deserve this!!"

Judy's father had retired as an admiral, although he never served in
that rank and refused to use the title. His last command had been one
of the super aircraft carriers. A botched landing when he was riding
backseat with a pilot new to the ship had left him paralyzed from the
waist down. Although I had never been able to think of him as crippled,
he lived in a wheelchair and had to pee through a tube. Judy, a very
late first child, was fathered just before his accident.

Judy's mother had passed away from cancer when Judy was still in junior
high, and the Captain raised her all by himself. I've never met a finer
man. He was as much my father as my own, more. No, that's not fair, my
father was a good dad, he just spent his life as a petroleum engineer
and geologist. He was gone more than he was home, and while he did his
best we were never close.

It was different with the Captain. I had always said I could never
leave Judy unless the Captain left her too. He was the first man I'd
ever admired who also treated me like a man instead of as a kid. Judy
and I still had almost a year and a half of school left when we got
married. Even I knew I was a bit immature for marriage, but the Captain
brought out the best in me. Trapped in a wheelchair, still he was the
most intimi?ating man I'd ever met and... I guess I could go on for
days about how I felt about him and the influence he'd been in my life.

I took a deep breath, looked at the clock and for a second tried to
convince myself it was too late to call him. He answered on the second
ring. "Son, first let me say that I'm on your side. She's my daughter,
and I love her, but I can't believe she did something this stupid. I
know she's confused, but..." we talked for a long time. He talked about
problems he'd seen in the Navy with wives cheating when their husbands
had been gone for six months or even a year. He never actually said
that some of them lived happily ever after, but I knew where he was
going. As much as I wanted, I had too much respect for him to cut him
short. Finally he got to his point. "I've read your paper work, is
there any chance that if I beat this silly bitch to a bloody pulp that
you'd consider giving her another chance?"

I had to smile at the Captain's hyperbole. He and I had talked many
times about the problem with trying to spank our girls. We both
believed that the mild spanking of a young child was more effective
than trying to reason with an immature brain, but neither of us was
very good at it.

I felt a coldness in my chest, and I worried that I might be having
heart problems. "No, sir. Captain, I'm sorry but this wasn't a one time
mistake. I've never understood how a man could kill his wife, but I do
now. I'll spend the rest of my life working on forgiving her, but even
if I could, I still couldn't live with her."

I sighed, I hadn't wanted to hear the words, especially coming from my
own lips, but I couldn't equivocate with the Captain. "Besides, Sir,
even if I could, we talked and she loves him. I couldn't live with
that, not even for the sake of the girls."

The Captain's voice got very soft, "Son, she's pretty screwed up right
now, if you give it some time..."

"She said they were talking marriage, I didn't even know what was going
on and they were talking marriage. I know I was working long hours,
but... I just can't excuse this. I want her to marry the bas... the
guy, and we'll both live with it. I've said I won't bitch about her.
Captain, our marriage is dead. But I do think it would be best if the
twins didn't grow up thinking their mother threw away our marriage for
the cheap thrills of a fling.

There was a long pause, "She hadn't told me that. Son... Son, are you
sure this is what you want to do? You want to push her into this
marriage?"

I made my voice as firm as I could. "Judy and I will always be tied
together by the twins. Right now I have absolutely no respect for her.
If she marries, at least she's trying to do the honorable thing. Who
knows, maybe a few years from now we can both look at this dif..."

The Captain broke in, "If she marries him it's going to be bad, and
that will make it awfully hard on our relationship, yours and mine..."

"You'll always be the girls granddad, and I'll always be their father.
I'll let you decide how much more you're comfortable with, but... but
I'll never be the one to step back from what you and I have."

I heard the Captain sigh; then he said, "This is harsh, but we'll play
it your way. She's made her bed, I guess we'll just have to see how
much she likes it, but... but, you know how I feel about you and you
know I don't think two wrongs make a right."

I don't know how many times I've heard some variation of the expression
"hard heart." All through our conversation, I'd been feeling mine morph.
I didn't exactly hear a voice in my head, but I knew I was crossing a
line, a line that turned my heart into case-harden steel. "I know sir,
but I don't have a choice I couldn't take her back now and look myself
in the mirror. As much as I loved Judy, I won't be a wimp husband. Even
if I were willing, what sort of example would that set for my girls?
Judy severed our marriage bonds. The sooner we make it legal the
better, the sooner we past this, the sooner the future can work itself
out."

If I hadn't known the Captain, I might have thought I heard tears in
his?voice, "Son, I'm going to encourage her to take your offer, to...
to get this settled tomorrow. Just promise me that you and I can
continue to talk, that you won't shut me out no matter how bad it gets.
Please, promise me that..." His voice broke.

My own voice was a bit husky when I said, "You have my word on it,
sir."

There was a very heavy silence and I heard the Captain croak something
that might have been goodbye. I didn't trust my own voice to say even
that. I knew his pain was worse than mine, he loved us both. I hung up
the phone and though I tried, I had no tears. I didn't like myself very
much and I hated Judy for making me this way.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2


Three months later:

I sat, alone, at a table near the back of the huge auditorium. While I
was coming forward to claim my prize, they announced that I was the
youngest person ever to receive the award. At 28 I was seven years
younger than the previous youngest. I got up, made an acceptance speech
and tried not to let the ashes in my mouth show too much. Still, it was
impossible not to remember the days after I learned I was the winner.

The Captain had come to the lawyers office that Monday morning and
anytime Judy started to balk at one of the terms he browbeat her into a
good compromise. We were finished before noon and the papers were filed
before the courthouse closed. Sixty-one days later the judge read the
decree in open court and we were divorced. A week after that Judy
became Mrs. James Capote. It hurt, and the girls cried for the whole
week they were on their honeymoon.

As I flew home, for the first time I was aware of just what I'd lost. I
was the hottest architect on the planet. Clients were begging to give me
retainers. Yet here I was, alone on a plane. I had the girls, my
parents, but... but although I'd killed the mastodon and I didn't have
a mate to bring the prize to.

When I got home my service was inundated with calls from potential
clients. The only call I answered was the one from the Captain. He said
all the right things to make me feel good, to let me know how proud of
me he was. Then using a gentle voice he asked, "When did you find out
about it?"

When I told him, he cursed, as only an ex-Navy man can. When he'd
calmed down he said, "That sucks! That really sucks." Then in a quieter
tone he said, "I know what it feels like to have life kick you in the
balls. Words can't help, but I'm here for you." He paused for a long
time then added, "Son, there's nothing I can do to make it better, but
if you'd like to go out and kick up your heels, I'll either watch the
girls or join you and put it on my tab."

"Thanks Captain, if you can refrain from talking about her, I can't
think of anyone I'd rather be out with tonight."

I did go out with the Captain, but I think that was the most forlorn
week of my life.

Two years after the divorce:

Once again I was in New York for a professional triumph. At this year's
banquet my number of Frank Lloyd Wright prizes increased to four. I'd
won on a home last year and I won on another home this year for an
unprecedented threepeat! My fourth prize was for a commercial building
I'd designed for the city of Midland. The architecture world went crazy
over that. I was also the first person to win in two separate categories
in the same year in the history of the prize. So why was I sitting at a
table without a single friend? Alone among total strangers? Why was I
more lonely than I'd ever been in my life?

Why was I lonely? It wasn't because people weren't contacting me. I'd
had to get an unlisted home phone because potential clients from all
over the world were calling at all hours of the night. I was gone more
than I intended, but at least when I was home, I was home. I'd built an
office attachment to my house and only went to the downtown office under
dire threats. When I was home I never worked while the girls were out of
school. Except for the month Judy had them, our summer was one long
tour. Granted, some of that was visiting potential c?nstruction sites,
but the girls loved seeing where my next design might be built.
Besides, we spent most of the time exploring the surrounding area. I
never wanted a design of mine not to harmonize with the local
environment.

Why was I lonely? It wasn't for the lack of attention by the fair sex.
I hadn't dated much, but I'd had women calling me from all over the
world asking if I could meet them. It seems that the story of my
"broken-heart" at the time of what should be my greatest triumph had
been picked up nationally and the world was full of women with big
hearts who wanted to help mend it. That I was raking in money faster
than the mint could print it probably didn't hurt either.

Unfortunately, I didn't like myself, not even a little!

I couldn't like, much less fall in love with someone else, until I did.
I hadn't been celibate, I could have all the sex I wanted, I just hadn't
found anyone who would make love, or more accurately, to whom I could
make love. I couldn't get past my issues. I just couldn't think very
highly of any woman who would want someone like me.

Rather than blame myself, I tried to blame it all on trust. I told
myself I just couldn't trust, and unless I reached that point I wasn't
going to bring anyone home whom the twins might attach to.

Frankly, divorce sucks! As a supposedly adult person, I hadn't found it
much fun, but as a parent it was breaking my heart to see what it was
doing to my beautiful girls. They never said a word about their mother,
but constantly let "slip" comments about their step-father and his
children. They never mentioned anything more than shouting matches with
their step-siblings but I knew that it had to be difficult for them. I
tortured myself with wondering about just how hostile that household
might be to them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd caught the red eye back from New York and was sitting in my easy
chair trying to recover from my the trip when the phone rang. The
Captain didn't waste any words. "Son, that son of a bitch has put her
in the hospital this time. He started beating her right after you got
him fired and now he's put her in the hospital. You've got to get her
out there before he kills her. Even if you won't do it for Judy, think
about the twins. They shouldn't see their mother being used for a damn
punching bag."

I felt a stab of panic, "Where are the girls..."

"Relax, they're fine. They were spending the night at their girlfriend
Lara's house, and I called your folks to pick them up. Your folks were
off like a shot with them on one of their trips. They'll bring them to
you Sunday evening."

I breathed a sigh of relief, "Why don't you come over and we can talk
about it. This is the first I've heard that he's been beating her. Why
would she allow that?"

"You know why, don't pretend with me. You... No, we did everything we
could to push her into that marriage. If she didn't know at the time
that you were out to give her a taste of her own medicine it didn't
take long to figure it out. She feels so guilty about what she did,
she'd accept anything, even his beatings."

I gritted my teeth, I could deceive myself but I couldn't fool the
Captain. "I didn't think it would ever get this far..."

"You knew he was a bastard, what did you think he'd do when he found
out you were responsible for his firing and the sexual harassment
charges?"

I swallowed hard, "I guess because I'd never think about hitting a
woman I just assumed he wouldn't either -- Come on over, Captain, and
we'll work it out I promise."

There was a long silence and then the Captain's voice turned
determined, "This shit has to stop! No one can do that to my baby. Judy
made me promise not to do anything rash the last time... I may be stuck
in this chair, but... this shit has to stop!"

"Sure... Captain, I AM sorry... for your sake... I really never thought
it would come to something like this."

"I'll be there in about an hour and half. I'm going to stop by the
hospital to see if I can convince Judy... damn him! God DAMN him to
hell!" he hu?g up, and I felt a chill run down my spine. That last
hadn't been a profanity but a heart felt curse. The Captain was in his
sixties and not in the best of health, but he'd never been a man to
stand by when an innocent was attacked.

As I waited I thought about my latest revenge. When the divorce went
through, I'd spent days, weeks, trying to come up with a method of
getting back at Capote. I just couldn't come up with anything that
wouldn't hurt me worse than him.

I was in pretty good shape but even though he was almost twenty years
older he was close to his weight when he played linebacker for Tech. I
might be able to land a sucker punch, but even if he didn't press
charges, I wasn't confident I could take him in a fight, unless I was
prepared to spend years in something like Karate, as if I had time for
that. I checked Texas laws and I couldn't file an alienation of
affection. Judy might have a case for sexual harassment, but I didn't.

For over a year and a half my lack of revenge was like a big embedded
splinter I couldn't pull. Then I got a gift from fate. The CEO of
Capote's company "casually" bumped into me at a charity event. For
heaven's sake, the event was in Midland and the man lived in New York
City. Somehow he got advanced word of my this year's FLW public
building award and wanted me to design a large office building for them
in Midland. I set up a meeting, showed him a computer image of a design
I'd worked on over the years.

Then I told him the truth. If it was any other company in the world I'd
jump at the chance to build the dream I'd worked on since I was a kid,
but no amount of money could buy it for his company!

Of course in a company that size he'd never heard of Capote, much less
my ex-wife. When I insisted I wouldn't work for a company that allowed
that sort of behavior, he didn't take it very well. A few weeks later
Capote was fired for sexual harassment. The CEO called me to thank me.
He said Capote had been accused half a dozen times of harassment during
his fifteen years with them. He told me that he had two recent cases
re-investigated, found a new one and established a basis to fire him!
We signed a contract a week later.

Like I said, professionally I was on top of the world, but with the
Captain's call I was afraid my personal life was about to hit a new
bottom.

When the Captain arrived, over an hour late, he just wheeled into the
house and didn't give a reason for the delay. Without waiting for me to
offer coffee or anything else he launched. "Jesus Son, she's a mess.
She'll be in the hospital for at least a week. Hell, they only kept me
three days when I had a sextuple bypass!"

He was trembling and I couldn't help but notice that it stopped right
at the point where he was paralyzed. That added to the pathos. He was
quiet for about ninety seconds and still wasn't under control when he
continued. "I can't allow this! I supported everything you've done to
her because I thought she deserved it. But, she doesn't deserve this
and you have to put a stop to it!"

"How can I stop it Captain, she's not my wife, I don't have any power
to do anything. All she has to do is divorce him or press charges..."

The Captain's voice crackled with a command authority I'd never seen. I
suddenly knew how one of his junior officer must have felt when they
screwed up on his carrier. "Don't try that bullshit with me. I was
there, I helped you! Damn it, you knew what you were doing and you did
it. You wanted her to know what it felt like to have someone you loved
cheat on you and made sure she would. I love you, but you're as
cold-eyed a bastard as I've ever met. You'd have made a good
fighter-bomber pilot. You attack with a plan but without emotion. You
knew what you wanted to do to Judy and you did it. But for the love of
God, tell me you didn't intend for this to happen."

I came within a nanosecond of a hot denial, but the look in his eyes
froze my words. I hung my head, "Yeah, Captain, I knew what I was
doing. I knew that any man who cheated like he did wouldn't stop
cheating. Once a cheater always a ?heater."

I looked up and met his eyes. They weren't hard or even angry, as I'd
expected but showed a hint of what I thought might be compassion. I
swallowed hard and continued. "I didn't think she'd stay with him.
Midland's a small town in a lot of ways, I made sure she knew he was
cheating and I thought she'd divorce him..."

He cut me off, "Were you going to take her back?"

"No, Captain I loved Judy, but I couldn't live with someone who didn't
love me or who chose someone else. I might have been able to forgive
her cheating but not her falling in love with someone else. I know I
pushed all her buttons to get her to marry him. I used the girls, I
thought I was using you and I used her own morality, to push her into a
marriage I was sure wouldn't last a six months. I wanted to hurt her,
but..." I stopped I wanted to say I didn't want her hurt like this, but
I wasn't sure I meant it. I was sorry for Captain's sake, but damn it
she'd made her bed and I was more than happy that it was made of nails!

The Captain locked eyes with me, "I tried to get her to leave him when
I saw her at the hospital but she wouldn't. The only man who can make
her leave is you. You sentenced her to this, you're the only one that
can commute it. Isn't it about time you showed her a bit of mercy?"

The Captain was quiet for a bit, "Frankly, this didn't work out they
way I thought it would. I'd hoped that after she'd learned her lesson,
repented and crawled back on her hands and knees you'd take her back.
I've never seen anyone as devoted as you were to her. I still think if
she'll leave him you'll take her back. But I don't understand why you
think she stopped loving you?"

"I asked her that night and she said, 'I did love you." Not 'I do love
you.' She used the past tense and that's when I knew there was no
hope!" It was lame response to his question, but it was the best I
could do.

The Captain exploded, "That's it! That's all you had? The tense of one
word!" The Captain got control and gave me a hard look. "No... no, you
knew better than that. It's about damn time you found out about what
this has done to her!" he'd been shouting then stopped. After a few
seconds seemed to get control of himself. He made one of those 180
degree turns that reminded me of motorcycle doing a wheelie and sped
for my front door. "Wait right here, I need to get something from the
car..." He then did another 180, faced me and using that command voice
I'd not heard before, he ordered, "No! You do it. On the passenger seat
of my car you'll find a brown paper grocery sack with some books in it.
Bring them here."

I normally don't respond well to perfunctory orders, but I retrieved
them. When I offered him the sack he instructed that I put in on my
table. "Did you know that Judy kept a journal?" When I shook my head he
continued, "Well I didn't either but she did. When I got to the hospital
I railed at her about getting a divorce but she wouldn't listen.

"When I calmed down a bit I asked what excuse he gave for this beating
and she said he'd just bought a new journal and he saw it. He demanded
that she turn over her old ones and she refused. A blind man could see
my baby was scared of what he'd do if he found them. When I offered to
pick them up for safekeeping, she jumped at the offer. She made me
promise not to read them before she told me where they were hidden. I
also promised that I wouldn't let the guy I took with me read them..."
He looked at his chair. I couldn't reach her hiding place. She had them
hidden in the attic under some of the insulation so I took a friend.

"I had her write me a note giving me permission to retrieve them up. I
picked up the son of a friend of mine, a cop, and we went over there.
He was wearing his uniform and Capote didn't give us any trouble. The
place was a disaster area. Kyle climbed into the attic and when he got
down, I retrieve her most recent journal. She'd cut the center out of a
cook book. Capote glared at us the whole time, but that's all the
gutless coward would do.

"I haven't read them, and I know Kyle didn't. I did N?T promise not to
give them to you and you did NOT promise not to read them." he paused
and gave me another of those penetrating stares. "Look, Son... and I
couldn't love you more if you were my flesh and blood. Judy has a room
full of faults, but she's not a liar..."

He paused again and my face must have betrayed my thoughts because he
continued, "Not telling you about her affair is a kind of lying, but we
both know that if you'd asked her straight up she would have told you.
Even so, what's in those journals is her talking to herself. It's going
to be the straight unvarnished truth. You know that. I want you to read
them. Figure out why she did what she did. We both know it wasn't
because she fell in love with that jackass!

He paused and rubbed his chin. "I can't make you forgive her, but they
say 'that to understand all is to forgive all." Maybe if you know
more... well if you can't forgive maybe... for God's sake, you can have
mercy on her... please!"

The Captain left and I sat there looking at the sack of journals, but
my mind wasn't on them. My mind was still on the Captain's last words.
He'd said mercy twice. He'd said I had Judy at my mercy. I didn't like
the idea, but I wasn't sure I understood the concept. I went to my
computer and called up the American Heritage Dictionary and checked the
definition of "mercy."

It gave four meanings starting with the most common first: "

1. Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power;
clemency. 2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of
mercy. 3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a
mercy that no one was hurt. 4. Alleviation of distress; relief:
Distributing food among the homeless was an act of mercy."

I angrily clicked it closed and tried to rationalize what I'd done to
Judy. I just gave her what she wanted... I just helped her make a moral
choice to marry the man... but I couldn't even finish that thought. Yes
it was her choice and she was responsible, but... I pushed her. What's
more I knew I had "power" over her. Even in the process of getting
divorced I knew she wanted to do anything she could to make up for the
pain she'd caused me, and I'd used that shamelessly.

I certainly wasn't in any disposition to be kind or forgiving... I
thought about that. It was true, but who did I still want to punish?
Judy or Capote? I'd wrecked his career, no one would hire a man for any
sort of management job when he had a fifteen year gap in his record. Yet
if he cited his last job, any check would reveal that he was fired for
repeated sexual harassment that resulted in legal settlements. Who
would take that sort of risk? He was currently working in a convenience
store, and lucky to have that. Quite a come down from a six figure
salary. Yet, I recognized that I still didn't think the books were
balanced. I wanted him killed in a robbery!

In a flash of insight I realized that in my mind the books would never
balance as long as he had Judy. I might not want her, but he damn sure
didn't deserve her, and that was before he began hitting her!

I didn't think the third definition of mercy applied in this case but
what about the fourth. Was I inclined to alleviate Judy's pain? I
didn't think so, but that realization didn't make me think too highly
of myself. In fact it made me feel a bit ashamed.

I tried to remember anything I could about mercy and I remembered a
phrase "The quality of mercy be not strained." I had no idea what it
meant or where it came from so I googled it. This is what I found at:
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/297200.html



Origin

From Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.

PORTIA: The quality of mercy is not strain'd,

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
... It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice.



It didn't make me feel any better!

I was still bushed, ?t was just a bit after noon, but by my body clock
it was the middle of the night. The air was hot inside, but boiling
outside, as if you would expect anything else in Midland in late July.
I went to my room and sprawled across my bed and I dreamed; I didn't
care much for what they showed me.

When I woke up it was 4:30 AM. I found I was mumbling the phrase "to
understand all is to forgive all." In the heavy darkness of that
predawn, I wondered if that cliché were true. If I understood, would I
forgive? What would that forgiveness look like?

I had sworn that I wouldn't look at her journals, but I now I wanted to
find answers.

Initially I'd just intended to read what she might have written about
the affair. The problem was that she almost never gave the year and
only rarely the month. Instead she used the day of the week. It was
immediately clear she wasn't writing for anyone else to read, she
wasn't really writing for her to read. This was how she tried to makes
sense of the events in her life.

Once I started reading, I just couldn't stop. This was the essence of
the woman I loved more than I thought a man could love a woman. I might
have hated what she'd done... I did hate what she'd done, but this was
soul of the creature I would have fought a hundred dragons to shield.

I picked one of the books, opened it and began to read.


It is done! The cavalry didn't come over the hill the good guys didn't
arrive in the nick of time. Matt didn't stop the wedding. As I stood
there at the altar, my daughters crying in their little bridesmaid
dresses, the words "does anyone here have any reason..." and Matt
didn't burst into the church and save me. I said the words, and this
time I won't break them!!!!!!!!!!

What a silly fantasy. I didn't even know I'd been hoping to be rescued
until this morning, so why would anyone else. Now, I am truly fucked,
in every sense of that word. I think it began to dawn on me around
sunrise. There really wasn't any reason to think that James would make
love to me on our wedding night, he never had before. At least he
finally stopped making fun of Matt while he fucked me. I hated that,
and last night I told him that if he didn't stop it, I'd start talking
about how much I loved Matt's larger cock. I just wish I'd done it the
first time he did it. When he finally wore himself out and started
snoring I fled to the bathroom and I cried for over an hour.

Now, James is out playing golf, what kind of man plays golf alone on
his honeymoon? The kind of man who wants me to say "fuck me JAMES." He
doesn't want a nickname or an endearment, just that very formal JAMES!"
I vow I'll never do that again! Oh Matt why did you make me marry him?
But I know that don't I?

I saw your face that Friday night and a large slice of me died. Still,
I kept hoping, praying for you to change your mind about this marriage
I'm now condemned to.

Would it have made any difference if I could have explained it to you?
But how could I explain what I don't understand? How could I have
resisted all his none too subtle hints that my job depended on making
him happy then meekly obeying when to ordered me to have a 'drink' at
his condo.

Why did I work so hard to keep what was happening from Matt? He would
have put a stop to it, he would have rescued me. But then for the last
month I wasn't sure I wanted to be rescued was I? Did I actually start
loving James, or did I convince myself I did to justify what I was
doing to the man I did love?

Well, if I did think I loved him, he's managed to kill it over the past
two months, constantly bragging about how he 'won' me from a younger
man. Parading me around like a stupid trophy... Oh my God that's what I
am! I'm his twenty-eight year old trophy wife! His way to feel young as
he faces fifty! Oh God what have I done?

Who can rescue me now?


As I continued to read a few thing slowly became clear. First, Judy was
a subservient personality! She wasn't a submissive, but she was very
inclined to bend her will to that of someone she perceived as having
power over her. She saw Capote in that capacity and he seemed to have
figured out how to take advantage of her.

Second, I had no idea just how deep the pain of not having other
children was for her. She was afraid that I'd just used my business as
an excuse. She was afraid I'd given up for good when we'd stopped the
fertility treatments. She'd been crushed and resentful. I hadn't had
grasped just how important it was to her. I think her depression made
her even more susceptible to a user like Capote.

It didn't make her any less responsible for her affair. She still made
the choice to submit to Capote. Her journal make clear that she knew
what she was risking when she took her clothes off and spread her legs
for him. She was guilty as sin and she knew it. I don't think she ever
figured out why she did it, but she rarely made an entry when she
didn't bemoan her weakness.

There were other surprises. She'd figured out I was trying to punish
her by forcing her to marry Capote the first time she caught him
cheating. She'd thought about it and decided she deserved the
punishment.

Instead of complaining, she went on for pages about the pain. Not hers,
but a new and visceral understanding of how she'd hurt me. After the
first time, she didn't write about it much. She didn't like it, worried
that he might bring home an unwelcome social disease, but didn't really
care who he slept with.

Then I found the part where her story got ugly. It broke my heart to
see the simple stark words she used describe his abuse. "Put too much
sugar in his coffee -- hard punch in the stomach, I bruised my hip when
I hit the floor." That had happened within three months of their
wedding!

She never made a big deal about them, she accepted his beatings as her
just reward for what she did to me. What did break her heart was every
time she thought I might have slept with someone. She went on for pages
emoting and bemoaning the first time she was certain I'd had sex with
another woman. In fact she was wrong about that woman, we never had
sex, but I'd already had sex with another woman before that time.

My most recent love affair, combined with the beatings and the pressure
from Capote, had made her close to suicidal. The pressure from Capote
had been two-fold. He'd wanted her to go to a fertility clinic, his
parents were willing to foot the bill, and he want her to allow him
anal sex. She'd used all sorts of excuses on both, but the fact was she
didn't want his child and she didn't want ever to do anything sexual
with him she "hadn't done with my husband." That's what she called me
repeatedly. Two years after the divorce she still rarely referred to me
as anything other than her husband. She never referred to Capote that
way.

When I closed the last journal I was exhausted, I went back to bed and
I slept. One nice thing about owning your own design company is that
you are allowed to be as eccentric about your hours as you wish. I had
standing orders that no one was to ever call me at home for anything
short of a collapsed structure. No one called for the next two days
while I brooded.

At the end of that time, I still wasn't resolved. James Capote was in a
world of hurt, he just didn't know it. I didn't know how I would dispose
of him, the only question was whether he would survive the experience. I
was seriously thinking about contacting some of the people I knew who
preyed on construction projects. I wouldn't let them on any of my job
sites, but even thugs liked nice houses. My fee for designing a house
was now in the seven figures, and a bargain, based on what some of them
had sold for. A botched robbery... 

Still, Capote was a problem that could wait. What couldn't wait was
Judy. She would be getting out of the hospital in a few days and while
I didn't know what I wanted from or for her, I knew I didn't want her
going back to their home. Even if I'd cared nothing for her, the
thought of the twins in the same house with Capote terrified me.

At least that's what I tried to tell myself. But every time I thought
about taking action I'd have an image of Judy the way she used to look
as she?stripped for her "Cum down time," or a replay of my dream of
that Friday night of the two of them making love, only now I added
Capote jeering at my shortcoming as a lover.

The arguments went back and forth in my head. For every reason I could
generate for granting mercy, I could come with an equally good reason
why I shouldn't. As they went round and round in my head, I clicked on
the news on TV to get relief. The announcer was talking about yet
another atrocity committed by someone in the Middle East. I gritted my
teeth and hung my head.

Bright and early on the third morning, determined but still very
uncertain as to what I was determined about, I headed for the hospital.

When I got to her room, she was still sleeping. I stood beside her bed
and peered at her face. It was a mass of ugly purple bruises, now
fading to that horrible shade of green and brown. I'd never seen anyone
so horribly beaten. I knew her cheek bone had been cracked although,
thank God, not broken.

As leaned over her to see the other side of her face, I wasn't aware
that I was weeping. I'll never know if it was one of my tears falling
on her or my muffled sob that woke her.

Her eyes fluttered open and for just a second she smiled at me. Then as
she became aware of where she was she gave a small shriek and covered
her head with her sheet.

"Judy, we have to talk. I've seen it all and we'll both feel like
something from a bad movie if we try to talk through that sheet."

She made a sound between a chuckle and a snort but lowered the sheet.
Although she was smiling, it didn't extend to her eyes. "Daddy told me
that he gave you my journals. He had no right to do that, and I'm sorry
that he did. I got pretty mad but then I realized that I had never
wanted to hide anything from you. If you'd asked I'd have given them to
you. I don't remember what all I wrote, but I would appreciate it if you
clean them up before you ever let the girls read them."

I chuckled, "I could never let them see what you thought about our
dating years..." I looked at her eyes and they were so wide open that
indeed I felt I had a window into her soul. It was her whole soul. I
had always loved to see her naked body. Images of her showing it to
Capote had been my very worst nightmare, even worse than picturing him
fucking her. But this, what she was allowing me to see now was too
naked, it was too much. No human should ever be as vulnerable as she
was to me.

In a very soft voice she almost whispered, "I wish I could tell you why
I did it. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to, but I did. I don't
blame you for divorcing me, or getting me to marry James. It's what I
deserve, but I want you to know I'll still do anything to make it hurt
you less."

She paused to blow her nose, which turned into a snort, looked
chagrined and continued. "I can't even say I didn't know how much it
would hurt you when you caught me. I thought it would be right after
that first time. When it kept going on, I didn't know what to think. I
never loved you any less, but I think I wanted you to rescue me and as
strange as it sounds I think I was upset that you didn't. I kept
dropping all the hints like "mommy's cum down time" and you never said
anything. I've always wanted to ask if you didn't suspect before that
night?"

I gritted my teeth, "No, I didn't. My trust for you was absolute. If
you'd told me the sun was rising in the west I would have called the
McDonald Observatory over in the Davis Mountains to ask why, and then
argued with them if they tried to deny it.

She took a deep breath, held it, then slowly released it. "I never
belonged on that kind of pedestal, I could live like..." She paused
then as she was wont to do and changed tacks. "Where do we go from
here?"

I gave her a half smile, she knew how these sudden changes in the
course of a conversation affected me. I'd loved the agility of her mind
but hated having to plod after her. "First, you don't go back to his
house. Ever, that's final."

She cocked her head and gave me the expression a teacher might give a
particularly slow student,?"That's not an option, I married him, for
better or worse, there's just been a lot more worse than I planned
for..."

I could feel my temper begin to stir. "Judy that's not an option. Just
pretend I'm riding a white horse and I'm here to rescue you. I'm
telling you that you ARE NOT going back."

I saw a bit of confusion for the first time, "You read that in my
journal didn't you? I swore I'd never break my marriage vows again...
you have to know that too."

I cut her off, "He's broken every vow of that marriage; he's cheated on
you and he hasn't loved and cherished you. He killed this marriage, not
you. You are not bound to him!"

She blinked several times and I saw indecision. "If you ever go back to
him, I will not ever let you see the girls again. I can't risk his
hurting them, too."

She broke, and with her head in her hands she cried. I sat on the bed
and held her. When she realized what I was doing she clutched me to her
and soaked my shirt.

When she'd cried out she said "Where will I go, what will I do?"

"I'll help you, and I'll make sure he can't hurt you... I'll get my
lawyer to draw up divorce papers and restraining orders. If I bring
those to you this afternoon will you sign them?" Without looking up
Judy nodded into my chest.

That afternoon my lawyer and two of his secretaries arrived at Judy's
room. He had her sign and his secretaries witnessed the documents. When
it was all done he left to get them filed before the courthouse closed,
leaving me alone with Judy.

She took my hand, held it to her cheek, still wet from her tears. Then
with her eyes glistening she asked, "When this is all done, will you
take me back?"

There was the question, the question I'd dreaded. I thought back to the
insight I had while I listened to the news on TV. War, by its nature was
brutal and inhuman. Yet if it wasn't to be a war where you took no
prisoners, a war were every man, woman, and baby of the enemy was
destroyed, you had to leave room for peace. Without mercy, you ended up
with wars that lasted millennium. You had to show mercy to your enemy.
Anything less and you were nothing but a savage. Mercy didn't mean
surrender it just meant that you retained some portion of your humanity
and let the enemy retain his. This was the time to show mercy to Judy. I
did my best.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Five years later

I was sitting in the waiting room on the maternity floor. Judy was
being moved from her labor room to the delivery room, another set of
twins, boys this time. I was seated next to a nervous first-time father
and we were talking when the nurse announced that Judy was ready.

Mark stood shook my hand and said, "I appreciate you coming by. It's
going to be a tough couple of months isn't it?"

I smiled, "Yes, and the girls are going nuts. I'll try to keep them at
my house as much as I can, but I'm going to have my hands full too.

He nodded nervously and left to join Judy as she gave birth. Mark's a
good guy, a major in the army reserves, and a captain in the Midland
Fire Department. He earned (not won) a silver star in Afghanistan and a
second purple heart in Iraq. I admire him.

He was a good match for Judy and I was glad they'd found each other.

So, what about me? How had I answered that question Judy asked me five
years ago?

I had tried to let my mercy show. "No, Judy I won't." Her face fell and
the tears started again.

When she finally regained her composure she managed to meet my eye and
asked "Why?"

I really wanted to say, "Because I want a wife I can put on a pedestal;
not one I have to keep on a short leash to keep her faithful." But I
didn't, Shakespeare's "gentle rain from heaven" droppeth and drowndeth
my vitriol. Okay, I did say that, but I tried to say it in a merciful
way. I said, "I understand us better now than when we were married. We
just aren't a match. That doesn't make either of us a bad person, but
you need someone who will give you direction, and that's just not me.
I'm too wrapped up in myself. I will always have a special place in my
heart f?r the woman to gave me the twins. No, that's not true either.
You will always be my first love, but we just aren't right for each
other. We've both made bad choices, but together as friends maybe we
can help each other make better ones."

Mark was right for Judy. He didn't keep her on a leash, more like on
the kind of tether a team of mountain climbers use. They were good for
each other and Judy, secure in her tether, bloomed in a way she never
had when we were married.

Mark and Judy lived in the same school boundaries as me. The twins
could ride back and forth between our houses on their bikes. We didn't
socialize, but we were very supportive of each other. If we didn't
agree about something, we'd go to the Captain to arbitrate, and the
girls never knew we had disagreed. The twins complained in mock
bitterness that they were cursed with too many parents. Still for all
their complaining, they loved Mark and he loved them. They were
ecstatic about having some new brothers.

A lot of new brothers! You see I wasn't at the hospital to support
either Mark or Judy; we weren't that close. It was one of those strange
tricks life plays on you. I was there to see my wife and our new twin
boys who had been born the day before.

Happily ever after? Perhaps, mercy doesn't meant that you have to let
the other avoid the consequences, just fewer than they earned. It meant
I didn't have to punish Judy to the extent I could. To have taken Judy
back wouldn't have been mercy, it would have been something else.

I'd met my wife through a friend of Judy's and we were everyone's dream
couple. I keep her on a special pedestal and she keeps my oversized ego
in check. She loves my girls and they love her. If Judy hadn't cheated,
we would still be married. It would have been better for the twins, but
not for me. Perhaps we married too young. Perhaps we saw in each other
acceptable mates and didn't wait for perfection. Perhaps we hadn't
finished growing up and both of us changed when we did. All I know for
sure is that I never was, nor could be as happy with Judy as I am with
my wife.

Showing mercy to Capote was harder. It was close but I finally decided
that having to work at almost minimum wage for man like him was enough.
He was a broken man, I didn't need to break his body too. I did have
reason to have him contacted about a year ago though. A very foolish
woman, despite being warned, just "had to open her heart to this good
man." I'll never understand why some people are such fools. When I
heard about his wedding, my heart was so full of mercy for that foolish
woman that I unburdened myself to a client. It just so happen that the
cousin of a friend of my client's was in the high risk personal loan
business. When said cousin happened to hear about the situation, he was
so filled with the milk of human kindness he sent one of his business
associates to see Capote and gently explain that good boys don't hit
girls. I heard the lesson didn't have to be repeated. It's good to have
friends in low places.

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I still have a lot to learn and
long way to go before anyone would consider me merciful. But here's the
thing about failing to give mercy, it keeps you bound to the person or
the problem. It's also an affront to your better nature. I couldn't
forgive myself for what I'd done to Judy, but when I extended mercy to
her, I was able to extend it to myself too. That broke that steel shell
I'd created around my heart and opened it to the possibility of a
happily ever after.

                          The End

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