An Interview with Miss Behavin'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1999, John Jameson. All rights reserved.

This is a work of fiction and all characters and events are drawn from 
the author's fevered imagination. Any resemblance to persons, living or 
dead, is unintentional. If you think you recognize yourself here, it's 
no doubt a matter of projection on your own part. (Unless, of course, 
you happen to be female, are not offended by what you read, and find 
middle-aged would-be authors of erotica irresistible. But we'll save 
that discussion for some other time.)

Please do not reproduce this work in any form without the express 
consent of the author. You may contact me at Jameson1780@altavista.com.
If you are offended by explicit depictions of human sexuality, you may 
want to look elsewhere for entertainment (after consulting a competent 
therapist). If it is illegal for you to read such materials due to age, 
local laws or other considerations (and you know who you are, so let's 
not kid each other), then please go no further. Not that I can stop 
you, but at least my conscience is clear now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

In October of this year, famed author of Internet erotica Miss Behavin' 
stunned her readers by announcing her semi-retirement from writing. 
Shocked readers deluged the guest book on her Web site with pleas for 
explanations and her return to the active writing community, but to no 
avail. Insiders told Internet Sex Report that the beloved author, 
recipient of the 1999 Golden Clitoride Awards for Best Author and Best 
Story (for her short story "Batteries Included"), was emotionally 
drained after a year and a half of producing some of the best-received 
erotic stories to be posted on the alt.sex.stories newsgroup.

"The poor thing has just worn herself out," confided Maria Gonzales, 
another author of Internet erotica and a confidant of Miss Behavin's. 
"I think the shock of winning both the Golden Clitties was just the 
final straw," Ms. Gonzales added, apparently attempting to adjust her 
custom-made brassiere without drawing undue attention from your 
reporter. Despite the sounds of four active offspring in the next room, 
it was all this reporter could do to maintain his professional 
detachment during Ms. Gonzales' struggles to adjust her lush breasts 
more comfortably within the lacy lingerie showing now at the open 
neckline of her otherwise conservative white blouse. When asked to 
assist with the adjustments, Internet Sex Report's ace investigator 
found it necessary to summon up a mental image of his mother-in-law's 
face before muttering an excuse about other interviews and deadline 
pressures to cover his hasty retreat.

The next author scheduled was the retired but not forgotten icon of 
Internet erotic humor M1ke Hunt. As Mr. Hunt is well known for his 
fascination with the female form, it was assumed that this would be a 
straightforward discussion of Miss Behavin's announcement.

"You know," Mr. Hunt mused,  "since my own retirement I've really kept 
an eye out for female ASS - um, that is, I've been particularly 
cognizant of the female writers on alt.sex.stories - and I've noticed 
that Miss B has been coming consistently." Mr. Hunt shook his head as 
though dazed or perhaps medicated. "What I meant to say was that Miss 
Behavin' has consistently been coming up with new material on a regular 
basis, and I was beginning to wonder how long she could keep me up - or 
rather, how long she could keep up that pace." As Mr. Hunt didn't seem 
to have any significant insights and seemed to twitch every time your 
reporter struck a key on his laptop while attempting to take notes, the 
interview concluded early. When last seen, Mr. Hunt was digging through 
an untidy stack of papers in his office and muttering something about 
"...June's been hiding my printouts again."

Finally we received a break in this story when David, Miss Behavin's 
long-suffering proofreader contacted Internet Sex Report and admitted 
that Miss Behavin' herself might be willing to discuss the situation in 
order to reassure her readers that she is at least still among the 
living. It was suggested that yesterday might be a good day for the 
interview.

"I happen to know that she has to take her car in for service that 
day," the intrepid proofreader noted. His idea was that an offer of 
transportation through the course of her busy day might be the 
incentive that would bring Miss Behavin' forward for an exclusive 
interview with Internet Sex Report's investigator and so arrangements 
were made to meet the elusive author at an automotive repair facility 
somewhere in Ontario.

[Editor's note: As part of the agreement to grant this interview, Miss 
Behavin' and her representatives, particularly Mr. Behavin', insisted 
that all references to the name of the city be deleted from this story 
and that ISR merely report the already-public knowledge that Miss 
Behavin' makes her home somewhere in the Canadian province of Ontario.]

It was easy to spot Miss Behavin' in the waiting room at the repair 
shop. Not only was there only one woman present, but this reporter 
notes that few other women in this unnamed city are likely to be found 
at eight o'clock in the morning wearing a black broad-brimmed hat 
reminiscent of Ingrid Bergman in "Casablanca", a slinky black dress 
ending at mid-thigh, black thigh-high stockings without garters and 
four-inch black stiletto pumps. [Editor's note: You think we let just 
any schmuck with a journalism degree do investigative reporting for 
Internet Sex Report? We have very high standards, including at least 
two years of staff experience on a quality investigative staff such as 
the one at the Weekly World News.]

Your reporter apologizes for the interruption from his editor - 
apparently, yet another hack from the New York Times has been flooding 
our job applications e-mail account. Now where were we? Oh! I 
remember...

This reporter initially found it difficult to understand Miss Behavin's 
low, throaty voice over the sounds of rush hour. Just as he was 
beginning to wonder if she was treating us to her impression of Lauren 
Bacall in "To Have and Have Not", she confessed that she was suffering 
from a "terrible freakin' cold", but would endeavor (or endeavour, 
considering the source) to speak up so that her words would be 
intelligible when the tape was sent in for transcription. With that 
matter settled, ISR's reporter prepared to conduct his probing, in-
depth interview. Unfortunately, Miss Behavin' directed him to turn into 
a parking structure and explained that she had to get to her regular 
day job, but that she would be available to continue the interview at 
noon.

"You are buying me lunch, right?" she asked your reporter. When assured 
that she would be taken to lunch, the long-legged Canadian temptress 
sighed and admitted her irritation at the number of people who took up 
her valuable time trying to pry information from her and then expected 
her to provide them a free lunch as well. 

A hasty call to Internet Sex Report's offices resulted in the 
accounting staff reluctantly approving a deviation from the normal $20 
per diem meal allowance so that this subject could be entertained in a 
manner likely to put her at ease and elicit the truth behind this 
mystery, although one senior accountant did ask what was wrong with the 
buffet at Pizza Hut and a pitcher of beer. This reporter was reminded 
that he had managed to break the Roseanne-Tom Arnold divorce story 
armed only with a sack of Burger King Whoppers with cheese, but the 
accountants conceded that Canadians might be more difficult to persuade 
than Americans, perhaps because of all the extra u's they put in their 
words, eh?

Permission was also obtained to trade in the Ford Escort rental car for 
a Mazda Miata in order to further put the subject at ease. Before our 
loyal readers begin writing letters, this reporter knows the Miata is 
associated with another female author, but he thinks it's a really cool 
car and besides watching Miss Behavin' climb in and out of the low 
bucket seats in that dress is worth a little added expense. 
Accountants!

By the time internal issues had been resolved, it was time to return to 
Miss Behavin's office to pick her up for lunch. At 12:43, your reporter 
was beginning to think she would never make the interview, but at that 
moment, she came dashing breathlessly out of the front doors of the 
building.

"I'm terribly sorry," she told me, "but I'm just swamped by e-mail 
today." She bent down to the Miata's window level, which (considering 
the decolletage of the black dress) did much to alleviate the 
disappointment of a delay in the interview. "Could we possibly finish 
this up after work this evening? After we pick up my car, you can drop 
me off at home and take me to dinner. Here's the phone number of an 
excellent restaurant." With that, she dashed back into the building, 
though the afterimage of her elegant backside disappearing through the 
door seemed to stay on your reporter's retinas for several minutes.

A quick call to the restaurant in question was followed by a much 
longer call to the accounting department. Not only were dinner prices 
considerably higher than the waiver already granted on my expense 
account, but the restaurant had a waiting list for reservations that 
was only bypassed with the promise of an upfront $100 (Canadian) tip.
This reporter spent the afternoon looking for anything in this city 
that might interest the Internet Sex Report readership. Amazingly, it 
would appear that Miss Behavin' (and Mr. Behavin' of course) are the 
only people in the entire city having sex of any kind. That in itself 
seems worth a follow-up investigation perhaps by the twerp from the 
Times if the pictures he supposedly possesses should change the 
editor's mind about hiring him.

[Editor's note: Look for a special investigative report "The City That 
Sex Forgot" in the next issue of Internet Sex Report. As for those 
pictures, they had nothing to do with our decision to hire our newest 
investigative reporter, a distinguished veteran journalist formerly of 
the New York Times. Besides, I was playing poker with friends that 
night and I have witnesses to prove it. And anyway, she swore she was 
eighteen.]

Precisely at five o'clock, this reporter was sitting in the red Miata 
outside the offices where Miss Behavin' works at her regular job. One 
hour and eight minutes later, she dashed from the building and 
scrambled into the passenger seat, unfortunately too quickly to 
appreciate the resulting view.

"If we hurry, we can get to the shop before they close," the Canadian 
beauty gasped, her rapid breathing somehow causing a similar 
acceleration in your reporter's heart rate and respiration. Twenty-one 
minutes and one traffic citation later (and hopefully that will be 
approved when the expense account for this trip gets to accounting), we 
pulled into the repair shop's parking lot and Miss Behavin' dashed 
inside just in time to retrieve her car from the shop. Unfortunately, 
the high-speed dash through rush hour traffic and the screaming of 
sirens precluded any in-depth interviewing en route.

I followed the seductive author to her home and was introduced to Mr. 
Behavin', who acted the perfect host while his wife changed for dinner. 
He proved to be a patient and charming man in every respect but one: he 
would not answer any questions regarding his wife's "semi-retirement." 
Any information on that subject, he insisted, should come from Miss 
Behavin' herself. Since he had a generous hand with the bottle of 
Jameson 1780 Irish whiskey, we discussed a variety of topics as we 
waited, none of them germane to the topic of this article.

Two and a half hours later, when Miss Behavin' emerged wearing 
something green, an unexplained illness had gripped your reporter. The 
Behavin's were gracious enough to call a taxicab to transport me to my 
motel, since the sudden illness appears to have rendered ISR's 
investigative reporter incapable of operating a motor vehicle.

The true tragedy of this turn of events only became apparent when your 
reporter woke the next morning with a splitting headache to the sound 
of a ringing telephone. It was the senior accountant from the home 
office who was previously mentioned. He explained, several times, that 
ISR simply could not afford to extend this trip one more day. This was 
due in no small measure to the fact that the airline tickets had been 
purchased on a discount that precluded travel on the following day (a 
Saturday). Bloodied but unbowed, your reporter took a public bus to the 
Behavin' residence, retrieved the Miata, and returned to the airport 
for the flight home.

The balance of the "interview" with Miss Behavin' was conducted via 
electronic mail and proved to be much more revealing than the face to 
face attempts. Rather than subject the reader to a long string of e-
mail exchanges containing much that could fairly be represented as 
private in nature, we have received Miss Behavin's gracious permission 
to summarize it as follows:

     As much pleasure as I personally derived from 
     writing and posting my stories, not to mention 
     the tremendous response from my readers, it was 
     those very responses which led to my decision 
     to enter semi-retirement. You see, I began so 
     many e-mail dialogues with so many of my 
     admirers that they began to take up more and 
     more of my time. Some of them, with male 
     readers possessed of especially vivid 
     imaginations, became so heated - yes, I think 
     heated is as good a description as any - that 
     they began to require all of my erotic 
     imagination (except that part reserved for Mr. 
     Behavin').
     
     This did not leave me with either the time or 
     the energy to write stories of the quality my 
     readers had become used to. Rather than 
     disappoint them with an inferior product, I 
     made the decision to semi-retire until all of 
     these e-mail streams reach their proper 
     conclusions.
     
     [In other words, gentle readers, Miss Behavin' 
     is currently engaged in what may be the world's 
     slowest and longest orgy via electronic mail 
     and the rest of us will have to wait for it to 
     end before we see any more stories from Miss 
     Behavin'. The only good news is that she should 
     have a lot of material for a new series of 
     stories.- Internet Sex Report]
