
                            When Words Wander
                          Copyright by Joesephus

Joesephus wrote this story because of the way Nici protrayed the wife, "As a strong woman who understood life."  He didn't agree and didn't like the way the husband was treated and so wrote this ending.  I know Joesphus wanted these stories posted to ASSTR but lost his password.  He was a computer Klutz.  I was going over some of his old emails and found his password and am posting these for his fans.

I do hope you enjoy it.  Jonnyrebel82 written 02/26/2012

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Synopsis: This is an alternate conclusion to Nici's "Something we need to talk about" and "Between Two lovers" which can be found on Literotica.com and storiesonline.net for free.  While the story goes to a very different place, I've tried to keep the characters the way Nici's written them. As in Nici's story this one has no sex.

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Copyright © 2007



This is NOT a stand alone story! There is no sex in the story. I've tried to make it realistic, so don't expect Jonathan to have been a former SEAL able to visit vengeance on Susan and Rich. While I'm going for a different ending than Nici in her "Something to talk about" and "Between Two Lovers" I've tried to keep the characters as she wrote them. That doesn't mean I see them or their actions the same way. I have Nici's permission to write this ending. Indeed, she's been a wonderful help in understanding the characters involved. I've done my best to keep them as she created them. I have made a few minor changes, for example Joey is a girl and the location is Austin, Texas and not Denver, Colorado. If you haven't read the story, "gird up your loins," because it's a heart breaker. Mine begins after Nici's "Between Two Lovers Chapter Two."

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Chapter 1


Nici's forward to "Something We Have to Talk About"



I'm going to try my hand at writing a cheating wife story. I've read some fairly nice stories. But, in too many cheating wife stories I have read, the female characters seemed to either have a full blown narcissistic personality disorder, a histrionic personality disorder or they're so weak and spineless that I can only wonder how they could ever exist in the real world. They can't. They can only exist in the fantasies of testosterone overdosed, teenaged minds.

Cheating is not that uncommon. I do not even closely believe that 99% of people who cheat are so wacko, so abnormal. Where are those stories, stories about real people dealing and coping with real problems, in real ways?

I'm writing this story, putting emphasis on creating a couple where each is as emotionally strong as the other is. A real-life couple, who interact with each other along logical lines of subjective chance. Cheating and adultery is about passion, love, anger and hate. Cheating and adultery is about conflict, conflict between partners where one is pushing for change and the other not. Events must happen where change is inevitable, conclusive and consequential.

Since I do love tragedies and this is not real life, so no one has to pick up the broken pieces, don't expect any happy endings. Not in this story, for sure.

Oh! And btw, no sex scenes in my story, so nothing here for you pudding pounders.

- Why do life-changing events happen when we least expect them, when we feel comfortable, when we feel relaxed, and when we feel most secure? Why do our plans never workout, as they should? Maybe successfully, but never exactly as we planned. Why does that which does happen always happen differently, against our expectations? Have you ever noticed this?-



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Conclusion from "Between two lovers chapter 2":

... "Jonathan, there's something we have to talk about," she said again, but this time with a deep sadness, without hope.

In her hands she held a large manila envelope, which she slid over the table towards him. "I've filed for divorce."

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Jonathan looked at the envelope, grunted, nodded, and headed back down to his lair in the basement. As he entered his room he locked the door behind him. With a sigh that was close to a sob, he sat on his bed. His shoulders slumped and his head drooped until he cradled it with his hands between his knees. He couldn't make sense of all the emotions roiling through him. An almost impenetrable curtain of fear smothered everything. He didn't fear the dissolution of the marriage... that had happened six months ago when she told him she'd been having a year-long affair, and it wasn't "just sex."

No, the fear that turned his bowels to water was how he could continue after losing his children. He'd thought his life was far better than most, like one of those paintings on the Norman Rockwell plates his mother collected. Now it seemed more like one of those pictures for kids where, when you looked carefully, you saw the outline of monsters hidden in the ordinary. Nothing resembled what he'd thought. Susan was like one of those people on TV who pull off a skin like face mask to reveal a different actor.

When Susan told him about her lover, his world had dissolved and all he could see were the monsters. Everything he'd thought he had was gone, except the kids. He'd always believed that if you worked hard, put your family above yourself and were honest and loyal you'd realize the American dream of a wife, two kids and a nice house with a white picket fence. He thought he'd had all that. Now Susan was going to take it all away.

He didn't mind losing the house. He wanted to lose Susan, but what would his life have meant if it weren't for the kids. They were the meaning of life. What happened to you didn't matter; you built for the future, you built for your kids. No, being shed of Susan was would be like getting rid of a bad debt. Losing the kids would make him like a new car without an electrical system. Pretty and even potentially powerful looking on the outside, but useless.

It was when she'd told him what would happen with the kids that his blood turned to stale piss. At one point he'd thought about getting DNA tests. A drunken "friend" had suggested, "Maybe if they aren't really your kids." For a heartbeat he had wondered if that would make it easier. Perhaps he could stand the pain of losing them, if they weren't "really" his. But in his gut he knew that the source of the sperm didn't matter: they were his kids and he would do nothing that might damage them or their relationship with him. If they weren't his, he never wanted them to go looking for their "real" father.

These last six months had been both the most painful and the most rewarding of his life. Seeing Susan, especially when she was leaving or returning from a bout with her asshole lover, was chewing him up inside rather like a turtle with a piranha trapped inside his shell. The assault on his manhood was a feather blow short of unbearable. He'd never understood the real meaning of hate, the kind of hate that lasted generations, until the last few months.

He'd also never understood the balm that spending time with his kids provided. Even though Jonathan constantly berated himself for being a wimp by allowing Susan and her lover to continue breathing, spending time with his children confirmed his core belief that a real man always put his duty to his family first.

That's what Jonathan had always done with his marriage. He was not an articulate man; he didn't have the pretty words that he'd come to understand were so important to Susan, words that her lawyer lover spewed like a sewer terminal. It was what a man did, not what he said, that had always been important to Jonathan. He'd practically killed himself working overtime to provide for his family. When the female attorney he'd visited told him that his overtime might make his alimony payments higher, she'd asked him to find out how long he'd been working so many hours.

Checking his pay history, he discovered that in the last six years, as far back as his boss could give him records, there were only three non-holiday weeks where he'd worked less than sixty hours. One was when he was in a car accident. The jerk had to talk on his cell phone, putting Jonathan in the hospital with two broken ribs and a deflated lung. It had hurt like hell, but he'd checked himself out "against medical advice" and had gone back to work because they were trying to close on the land to build this house, and needed the money to make the down payment.

The second time was one of the times he'd been sick. He'd usually never let a cold or flu keep him from earning a living. This time, his boss had caught him. He'd been working with a fever of around 101 for three days when his boss sent him home. He'd gotten a tongue lashing about trying to be macho and spreading flu to everyone in the shop.

The third time was when his father died. He remembered almost losing a finger that week when eye sweat blurred his vision. Still, he'd only taken off the minimum days necessary to fulfill his obligations as a son at the funeral.

Jonathan snorted as he remembered something Susan had yelled recently when she tried once again to explain her adultery. "You loved your job more than you love us. You used it to hide from your family and your duties."

What a joke. Jonathan had never loved his job. It was hot, sweaty and dirty in the summer, and cold, sweaty and grimy in the winter. It wasn't boring, but it wasn't fun. There was satisfaction in doing it well, and he was very good at it, but he didn't want to spend his free time working on cars either. It was something he did to support his family.

He knew he'd never been very good with books and school. He could have probably graduated from a third-rate college. But that sort of school, and the grades he would have made there, would never have equipped him to make the kind of money he made working in the un-air-conditioned heavy equipment shop in the sweltering heat of Austin summers. At one point he'd thought about sales. Salesmen frequently called him to use his know-how to close a sale. The salesmen made the flow of words seem so easy. Jonathan would stand there in mute admiration of their talent, and know that it was beyond him.

So, he always worked as much overtime as he could, and as a result he made more than many middle managers in the big corporations. Looking down at his hands and the hundreds of little scars that marked the gallons of blood he'd lost over the years fixing the big beasts, he sighed. No one said life was supposed to be easy, but a man did what he had to do for his family. That's what real love was, doing what you needed to do, not what you wanted to do.

Jonathan put his head in his hands and tried to keep from being unmanned again by sweating eyes. He'd only cried that once, but tears seemed to be his body's involuntary response to the hollow pain inside him. Unbidden, his mind once again replayed the putrid words Susan had used the night she'd destroyed his world:

"If you divorce me now Jonathan, I will be taking you to the cleaners. I will protect my children and me, first and foremost. Your welfare will not be a concern of mine. You would be paying me not only child support; you would be paying me alimony, the court costs, my car payment and this house. Not even with the amount of overtime you have been making lately would you be able to afford anything but a cardboard box to live in. You'd be sleeping in your car or at work and eating spam and macaroni and cheese for at least the next ten to twelve years."

If that had been all there was to it, he'd have divorced her that week, but it was what she told him about losing the kids. Even the attorney he'd talked to had told him, "... the children would remain under her, but joint guardianship. She could not and shouldn't want to restrict your visitation rights. It is to her and the children's advantage that you involve yourself as much as possible with them."

Jonathan had seen enough men with "joint custody" to know that it was an empty phrase. The wife would pay lip service, perhaps even mean it, but in her heart what she'd want was a complete home, with her new husband replacing her ex as the father as sure as if he'd died. No matter what the courts said or what she promised, within a few months she'd start making it harder and harder to see the kids... always for the best of reasons. It would go on until the kids believed that their father didn't really want to be with them.

He might have trusted the Susan he thought he'd married, but the monster beneath her skin would probably do everything she could the shut him out of his children's lives. She'd told him that her lawyer lover had broken up with her because he didn't want to "hurt her family," but once she was divorced she'd get him back. She was still a fine looking woman... didn't he read someplace that Satan was beautiful too? Hell, Susan could give old Beelzebub lessons.

Jonathan sighed again, he'd done everything he could to make this insane situation work. He'd tried to make himself his number one priority, but he couldn't. His kids' happiness was the most important thing in his life and he'd failed there too.

His thoughts flashed back to an article in a magazine that Susan had "accidentally" left open recently. It talked about how much better and easier it was on the children if one parent died instead of losing one to a divorce. Not even realizing what he was doing, Jonathan reached under his mattress and removed the pistol he kept hidden for home protection. On auto pilot, he removed the trigger lock and put the gun into his mouth. The barrel was cold and uncomfortable on the roof of his mouth.

The metallic click of the hammer hitting an empty chamber caused such a massive startle reflex, that he was flung back on the bed. Jonathan's brain felt like it had when he'd been in the hospital with all those pain killers. His thoughts felt slow, fuzzy somehow. It took a long time before he realized what he'd almost done. With a snort Jonathan thought, 'I'm even a failure at killing myself.' Someone had removed his bullets. Suddenly, his whole body began to tremble as adrenalin flooded every system. He'd almost killed himself! How could that have happened?

He'd tried to take the coward's way out! He flashed back to the last time his father had used a belt on him. He'd run away from a schoolyard fight because he'd been afraid of getting hurt. His father had said, "A man would be a bully to go looking for a fight. He'd be stupid to stick around in an unfair fight. But not only will he be a coward to run from a fair one, but a fool as well. Listening to your fear will hurt you more in the long run than any knocks or bruises you'd get on the schoolyard. Some men never learn that lesson, some have already ruined their lives by the time they learn it. You're going to learn it now. This is going to hurt you more than if you'd been beaten today. Next time think, count the cost, but don't listen to your coward inside." Jonathan had never gone looking for fights, but he also learned that if he didn't run from them, there were fewer he had to actually fight.

Looking at the gun in his hand, he couldn't understand why it wasn't loaded. The gun was for defense, and what good was an unloaded gun. As he loaded it, he thought, "It might be true that kids are better off with a dead parent than a divorced parent, but not with a dead coward. If anyone's going to take a bullet, it ought to be Susan or her boy toy! She's the one... 

Right on cue the phone rang. "Daddy? Did you forget that you promised to help me with my pitches? I tried to tell mom that I needed your help today if I was going to make the softball travel team, but she said the two of you need to talk alone. Daddy, please come get me. This is important. If I don't make the club team this year, I'll never be able to make the high school team."

Jonathan's whole body was still trembling with the after effects of the adrenalin flush. Sitting silently, a distant part of his mind wondered if his words would be as jumbled as his thoughts. Could he manage a simple "hello?"

"Daddy, this is important! I've been calling your cell ever since Mom dropped us off here. I guess you forgot it again. Please, if you don't feel like coming to Grams, I'll get her to bring me home. Please Daddy, I need you, this is soooo important."

Jonathan's mind was a maelstrom of discordant thoughts swirling around a core conviction 'Someone needs to die!' If not him then... Susan or her asshole, but somebody! Only a tiny voice wailed that his kids still needed him; no matter how minor the role he'd be allowed to play, they needed him. Murdering someone else would take him from their lives as surely as if he'd just killed himself. 'If I'd killed myself what would have happened to the girls? What sort of example of a man would I be leaving them? What sort of man would they end up marrying?'

As he shook his head to try to clear his thoughts, something in Cindy's tone penetrated. Was it fear? Was she in danger? His daughter was in danger! What sort of man would wallow in his own muck when his daughter needed him? The voice, now thundering in his head proclaimed, "A man took care of his family, no matter what it cost him!" That was the bedrock of Jonathan's understanding of life. As Cindy continued to make sounds his mind slowly retreated from the brink of darkness.

Trying again to clear the chaos in his brain, he shook his head. He couldn't remember promising Cindy to work on her softball. It sounded like something he'd do, but softball hadn't seemed that important to her the last when they'd talked last night. Jonathan sighed again; not knowing how important a sport was to his fourteen-year-old daughter was just another sign of his incompetence as a father. Just another monument to his failure at everything that was important to him.

"Daddddddy! You're scaring me, talk to me please! Daddy, I need you daddy, please!"

Jonathan's eyes blinked and while his body continued to tremble and the darkness still beckoned, Cindy's voice held him like a mountain climber's safety line.

"I'm sorry baby, I was distracted for a second. I'll be there to take you to softball practice in just a few minutes. What time does it start?"

"Where are you, daddy? Are you home? Have you seen Mom? Did you talk? Did she tell you?"

The questions were too fast, too strange. All his kids had gotten Susan's brains instead of his, thank God. It made him proud, but sometimes it was hard to follow their nimble skipping from topic to topic. Unable to comprehend or deal with what she was asking he said, "I'm okay, I was just in my own little world for a bit. I'm heading for you now. I'll be there in less than a half hour, we can talk then. You know I hate to visit on these little phones."

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It had taken more than a half hour get himself together to drive to his daughter. During that time he figured out that Cindy knew about the divorce. He'd felt a surge of renewed anger that Susan took it upon herself to tell the kids without including him.

Thus, he was surprised when Cindy told him she'd figured out what was happening when she'd seen a "do-it-yourself-divorce-kit" in her mother's room a few days ago. She'd been scared, but wasn't sure Susan was going to go through with it until today, when she announced she was going leave the girls at Grams' house for "at least the night."

As Cindy talked, he could see the pain this mess was causing her. The pain in her eyes spawned deadly icicles in his heart. Cindy's plea that he fight to stay in her life, were body blows to his manhood. In any sort of physical fight he knew how to protect his vulnerable parts, but he had no defense against the women in his life.

Finally Cindy had taken his face in her hands, and while looking into his eyes said, "Daddy, I know that the courts will probably give us to Mom, but there's another way. Since she doesn't have a lawyer, you can go to a mediator. The parent of a friend of mine at school did that and she said her parents actually get along better now than when they were married. It was so good that they still get together as a family on occasions. Please Daddy, I got the man's name. Please will you fight for us by taking Mom on about this? Please Daddy!"

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So now, two weeks later, Jonathan found himself seated at a lush conference table with his new lawyer. The walls were covered with "trophies." The attorney saw Jonathan eyeing them and said, "Yeah, I've 'won' some big divorce cases. They use several of my cases for moot court at UT Law School.

"The reason I have those plastered all over the walls in here is to remind both of us what can happen if the cooperative process doesn't work. A few years ago I tried to sit down with a couple and serve as an arbitrator, but the Bar doesn't really like that approach. The danger of my getting sued for conflict of interest is too high, so now I do "Collaborative Law." Your wife will have to find an attorney who has experience in this process so you will both have advocates. You and your wife will have to sign an agreement never to take any of these issues to court. Then we'll sit down at a table across from each other and we'll hammer out an agreement that will be acceptable for both of you.

"Of course, either party can withdraw from the agreement not to go to court, but if they do, both lawyers will have to withdraw, and the party that drops out will probably be viewed with some prejudice by the court."

Mark, a big imposing figure, leaned back in his chair, "You have a pretty good case. I know the woman attorney you talked to, but she practices in Austin, and the judges in our county are much more conservative. Also, while she's good, her husband recently turned her in for a new model and I think she'd be better off representing only women for a while.

Even if you draw the worst judge in this county, the financial part wouldn't be as bad as she told you. With all the kids in school, your wife probably wouldn't get the maximum three years of spousal support Texas law allows. What's more, she's just flat wrong about the custody. I know at least two judges in this county who will always award full custody to the husband if the wife has committed adultery. It doesn't matter what the other circumstances are or even what might be best for the kids. Now, if you lived in Austin it might be a bit different. Some of the judges there aren't as concerned about adultery as are the judges in this county, but even in Austin, I can only think of one, perhaps two, that wouldn't give adultery some 'unofficial' consideration when deciding custody.

"Sill, even with those judges, "what everyone knows" about how men get screwed in a settlement isn't always true. The courts are very aware of all the new studies that show how important it is to keep the father in his kids' lives. The studies also show that when the dad doesn't have any physical custody, he generally doesn't continue to be involved. If the dad wants some sort of physical custody and isn't equally guilty of cheating, drinking, or abuse, our county courts will generally give him at least half. That also helps keep both parents physically close. Things can turn ugly when one parent moves to a different state.

"Since we're going to sign an agreement not to go to court, you might wonder why I'm talking about what a court would do. I want you to understand that any agreement we get will be within the range of the best and worst that might happen to you in court.

Jonathan took a deep breath and blurted, "I want to support my kids, but I don't want to give that cheating bitch a dime. Can we do that?"

"No! The only way that would happen is if she agrees to it. That's what 'collaborative' means. If you could prove that she'd abandon the marriage and the kids, you might stand a chance with some of the judges, but she's been a stay-at-home mother. Both you and the kids benefited from that, and it has real monetary value. You've told me how you sacrificed to make it possible for the household to be her 'job.' What sort of message are you sending to your daughters if you change that now? Do you want them to think that being a full-time mother doesn't have monetary value? That's the message you'll send if you try to make Susan suffer because she didn't get a good job outside the home. Is that really what you want to say?"

Jonathan sighed. Not putting the kids in daycare letting Susan make their house a home had been important to him. He wasn't sure when she started her affair-- she said a year-- but when he thought about it, the way the house was before the kids started school and after, it just seemed like she didn't create the same sort of safe place. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he'd thought it... well, he didn't know what he thought. It was just that it was clear that Susan didn't have the house or the family at her core once the kids started school. She'd started taking craft classes and getting involved in all sorts of civic project instead of focusing on her family's needs.

Jonathan had accepted it as part of life. Like everyone, Susan had grown as she got older. He'd hoped she might get a part-time job so that he wouldn't have to pull so much overtime, but he had to admit he felt a certain pride that she was able to get involved in society things like the wives of their rich neighbors.

Now, a bit shamed, Jonathan looked at Mark in his expensive suit. "I'm not too good with words. I think that's one thing that scares me about all this legal stuff. I'd bet on myself in a bare-knuckle brawl with money, marbles or chalk, but I'm not good with an argument. I don't even have a good answer days later. I'm the guy all those greeting card companies had in mind when they wrote that stuff. I've spent hours picking out a card for Susan or the girls on special occasions, or just when I wanted to tell her I loved her, because I could never find words like that in myself.

Jonathan's eyes locked with the lawyer for several long minutes as the two men took silent measure of each other. There wasn't any tension, just a lively non-verbal discussion. Finally Mark's mouth twitched, hinting at a smile. "I understand, words and phrases are easy for me, but if I had to fix my car I'd be using a horse. Like the Good Book says, we each have different gifts. A society needs all of them if we're going to be successful. If this divorce were to go exactly as you wanted, what would it look like?"

Jonathan hadn't given this a lot of thought. "I've been looking and I found a job on an offshore rig on the Gulf Coast. They work two weeks on the rig and then they give you two weeks off. Even with all that time off, I'd be making more than I am now. I could pick up part-time work here, but I'd only do things that would allow me to be home when the kids aren't in school. I know girls need their mother, so if we could split their time so they lived with me half the time and the rest with their, mother that would be fair? I don't need much to live on, especially if I'm on a rig half the time, so I think I could probably give the kids 75% of my take-home after taxes. The rest would be enough to get a little place, make my car payments and such... would that be fair? But I don't want a penny going to support Susan!"

Mark smiled, "Under Texas law, you'd max out at 30% of your assets, basically your salary, for child support, and three years spousal maintenance." Mark paused and steepled his fingers under his chin for a bit then said, "How long do you think you'd want to work offshore?"

Jonathan shrugged, "I hadn't really thought about it. I don't want to work out there at all. I like Central Texas, it's close to my family, but I didn't see any way that I could work here and still have any time for the girls. Especially if I have to work even more overtime to pay for an extra place. I'll be too tired to spend any time with them.

That's why I'm going to work off-shore. My understanding is that oil companies get more than a month's worth of work out of you in the two weeks on the rigs but you're free the rest of the time. The benefits look good and by working part time here, I can start to put something away for the girls to go to college."

After a few seconds thought Jonathan continued, "But I don't want the girls to think I love work more than them, and I want to see them grow up. You know? Susan is always saying I just sit around watching TV and drinking beer, but I listen to what's going on too. Susan was always telling me about what the girls were up to. Like as not, Cindy and Joey would come sit on the couch with me and talk too. They'd tell me all sorts of things about what was happening to them. Stuff I never talked about with my parents. I never said much, I'd just listen mostly. I mean I'd give them advice, and I never forgot that I was their dad and not their best friend. But it was just so neat to see how their minds worked and to watch them becoming smarter and more grown up. Cindy would talk about boys and what her friends were doing. I was part of their lives you know. I don't want to lose all that. I want to be able to spend time with them and not be a stranger who takes them to dinner."

In a very quiet voice Mark asked, "Where are the kids going to live if you don't want to help Susan live in your house, and you only have an efficiency? When you're on the rigs, they can't live at home without someone to take care of them."

Jonathan's forehead wrinkled in thought, "I don't want the kids to lose our house... I guess I hadn't thought about any of this. I just assumed that I'd lose everything and Susan would get it. I just don't want to pay her anything. I'll buy the kids gift cards for Luby's cafeteria or any good place to eat, but I don't want to buy so much as milk for Susan's coffee!

Jonathan's lips compressed, "I don't want to pay for her housing either! I want the kids to have the house. I don't mind paying for that, but I don't want her to live there!" He paused looked down at his hands, clenched in his lap. "This is really a mess, isn't it?"

"Some couples agree to share the family home. Sharing the family house sounds good, but in real life it almost never works out. However with you being gone every other two weeks, it might work short term."

Jonathan felt his stomach twist into knots. "It wouldn't be bad if she paid half for it but she can't make that kind of money, and I don't want her to bring that asshole there, or the other assholes she'll pick up. I don't understand that woman, but I don't want my kids to get the idea that it's okay to have two husbands at the same time."

Mark looked over the financials. Since they'd built the house two years ago, the market had declined slightly, and most of the twenty-thousand they'd paid down would be lost to the 5% realtor's commission. They didn't have any savings beyond his 401(k). Splitting the assets would mean selling the house, which would hurt the children. If this went to court there was a good chance that Susan would gain full control of the house until the kids were grown. Jonathan would then get half of the profit when it was sold.

Mark had seen something like this in most cases. It was especially tough when one spouse was a stay-at-home parent. "Once you're divorced, you won't have any say about how she lives her life. However, if it's your house, if you're covering all the costs, you can have a say about what can happen there.

"If we could figure out a way to get her cash for her share of your assets..." his voice trailed off in thought. "Would you consider letting her live in the house during the periods you're on the rigs for a time. The free rent might serve in lieu of some support, at least until she could find a job and begin supporting herself?

Choking off a bitter laugh Jonathan said, "Susan won't ever go to work, all she wants to do is to be a wife and mother. I wasn't enough for her so she had to go find someone else to be a wife to, she'll do the same thing again. I shouldn't have to support her while she shacks up with whatever number of men 'need' her as a part-time wife."

Jonathan paused, as he realized that he'd stumbled into a new understanding of Susan. "I don't understand that sort of thinking. I only want one woman. I'll give her everything I have, all of me. Isn't that what we promised each other at our wedding?

"I mean I don't smoke, I have a good job, before this happened I don't remember the last time I drank enough to have to worry about passing a DWI test. I don't gamble, I'll bet a few buck on a game, but never more than a five here or there. Hell, I don't even buy lottery tickets 'cause the odds suck. I don't chase other women, and I've sure as hell never raised a hand to any woman, much less Susan.

"I've thought real hard on this, but I've never thought about it this way. It wasn't just that she felt the need to have sex with another man; it was that I wasn't enough of a husband for her. She wants more than me... 

'That's why she had to lie to me. I might not be enough man for her, but I'm too much of a man to settle for half a woman. It's like playing poker where I bet a hundred but she only puts fifty in the pot. She wanted us both, that means she's going to want more than that asshole can give her too. Why would any sane man... " Jonathan clamped his mouth shut and gritted his teeth. It went against his grain to bad mouth others who weren't there to defend themselves. As much as she deserved it, his daddy had taught him better.

Mark looked expectant and let the silence stretch. For most people, expectant silence becomes intolerable and eventually they'll let things slip out they hadn't intended, just to break the silence. When it was clear that Jonathan wouldn't say anything else, he asked, "What if we put into the agreement that you never have to see Susan, that she'd have to wait until you were boarding the plane before she could come to the house, and she'd have to leave before your plane landed here?"

There was a tiny light of interest in Jonathan's eyes and he asked, "Could I say that she'd have to live in the basement, where I've been living? Could we also say that she couldn't move the furniture or change things? She was always moving things around, buying new things and decorating the house. If it was my house I wouldn't want her messing with my stuff. She'd be like a guest there. Could I do that?"

Mark suppressed a sigh, his job was always hard, but this looked like one of the tougher ones. He had to keep reminding himself that he was only hearing one side, but his experience told him that Jonathan was being as open as he was capable of being. He knew scores of women who would give their right arm for a man who gave as unreservedly as Jonathan. A man whose integrity was such that what you saw is what you got. He was what the world used to call a "plain" man and it was meant as high praise. It was cases like this one where Mark's old competitive juices kicked in, he'd have to watch that.

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Jonathan had been surprised that Susan had dragged her feet about the divorce. She was the one who filed, but she wouldn't start talking to lawyers on Mark's list for weeks. More weeks had passed before they were able to set up this face-to-face meeting. Jonathan had already worked several shifts on the offshore rigs. It was harder and even lonelier than he'd imagined. Until they settled on the property and custody questions, he'd rented a one-room efficiency in Austin. He would not live in the basement of his own house like some sort of troll. He'd come over to the house when the kids got home and would leave after they went to bed.

Still, Jonathan had an icy knot of fear in his gut, despite being relieved now that the process was getting started. He thought he'd known Susan, but now she was so unpredictable. Mark had worked hard to help him understand what would happen to him if he went to trial. No matter what Jonathan thought was just, the law thought she should get half of their net worth. The plan that Mark had helped him develop would allow him not to pay any spousal support. Instead Jonathan would pay for all the children's expenses-- all their food, clothing and medical needs. He would provide a generous allowance for each girl and would even pay for gifts that Susan would pick out, within price guidelines.

Jonathan would also pay for any athletic team fees, or pay for any kind of lessons that the children might try. Again there were guidelines so that the money wouldn't be wasted on lessons that weren't appreciated. If a girl took piano lessons for example, Jonathan wouldn't pay unless she was also spending the time practicing. He wouldn't buy a piano until the child had proven a commitment.

Jonathan would also give Susan a little of his 401(k) but would get full title to the house in return. Susan would also be the custodial parent, and would live in his house. The children would live in his house full time but he'd have unlimited access when he was on shore. For a maximum of three years, Susan could live in the house during the two weeks a month Jonathan was in town. She would live in the basement, which would be fixed up as an apartment with a separate entrance. After three years Susan would have to have her own place so that Jonathan could live in his house two weeks every month. In ten years when little Nancy graduated from high school Susan would no longer have access to his house.

It wasn't what he wanted, but Mark had convinced him it was fair and better than he might get in a court fight. Besides, although he hadn't said anything, he was pretty sure Susan would find someone to marry very soon. Under the agreement she wasn't allowed to have any man in any part of his house, even for dinner. Jonathan was sure she'd find someone soon who wanted a wife.

As Jonathan looked around the room Mark had specially designed for these meetings, he was struck by the quality of the furnishings. There were four very comfortable chairs around an elegant coffee table. Near each chair was a writing table on rollers that looked a little like those you see in hospitals to allow a patient to eat in bed. The room was decorated like a cozy living room; there was even a gas fireplace to make things mellow.

Mark's secretary had shown them in and was still explaining the amenities of the room when Mark and Susan's attorney, Laura, entered the room, each holding a sheaf of papers. Mark said, "Cindy emailed these to Laura and me this morning. I just need to confirm that you wrote a journal about what led to our being here."

Jonathan looked at Susan who looked smug, "I wrote those so I'd remember what was said and how I was feeling while all this was going on. I was trying to find a way to explain what Jonathan was doing to me. When Cindy saw me writing the other day, she said she was going to take it to Jonathan. I wasn't happy about Cindy knowing all the details, but I thought this might be a good way to make sure that Jonathan read it."

Laura snorted, "You actually encouraged Cindy to send this?"

Jonathan saw the anger flare in Susan's eyes, "Yes I did! I took all, well, almost all the reference to sex out. Just what I thought Jonathan needed to know to understand that this wasn't about sex."

Mark's voice was bland "You didn't write about your sex life, at least not much. But you wanted Jonathan to know that for the last four years you were running Rich's house. Doing all the cleaning, washing the dishes and cooking for him. That you would type papers for him and help him study for his law classes."

Susan shrugged, "Jonathan was never interested in anything about Rich and me except the sex. I thought if he knew the whole story he might come to his senses."

"Susan turned from Mark to look at Jonathan and then continued, "I know that if you would read what I've said and how I felt, it would help us get to where I wanted our marriage to be. I knew I made a mess of that first meeting and I thought if I could get you to read the whole thing we could work things out..."

Jonathan finally absorbed what had just been said about how long the affair had lasted. As it sank in he felt a cold fury begin to well up inside him. Turning to Susan, he said with a snarl, "You said it was only a year, not four years! You've been..." he started to say 'fucking' but the presence of Laura, another female, made him falter. "You've been with him for four years!"

Susan replied with eyes blazing, "Of course not! I'm not a liar, you know that! We only had sex for the last year. You were never interested in how or why Rich and I began to see each other. You were never interested in why I needed to help him, or how much he needed me. It was all about your male ego and some other man using your property."

Mark looked at Laura, then jumped in. "I think we'd better take a break. Just to be clear, you didn't have any objection to Jonathan or me reading your thoughts?"

"Of course not, I don't have anything to hide. It's what I've wanted all along. My hope has been that if Jonathan will take the time to understand how I feel and what I've been through that perhaps we can build a new and better marriage together. If he would just remember how much he loves me, we can get past all this, especially since Rich and I broke up."

Making eye contact with Laura, Mark said, "We had planned for a two-hour joint meeting, but I think we should plan to move it back until Laura and I have had a chance to talk about how this might affect the deal we had worked out."

Turning to Jonathan he continued, "You'll probably want to read this in private. It might be better if you stayed away from home for a day or two..."

Shaking his head, Jonathan said, "No, I need to be with my girls. I'm sure Susan can find someone to stay with tonight. If Cindy's already read it... no, I want to be in my own house tonight."

Susan's voice showed her excitement. Turning to the lawyers she said, "Sure, Jonathan's slow; it takes him a long time to get anything new. I'll let him read it privately." Turning to Jonathan, "Will you read it? Will you try to understand? It will make so much difference. I don't want a divorce. I still love you. You will always be my soul mate, the father of my girls, and the man I want to spend my old age with. The only reason I felt I had to file was because the way you were acting was affecting the girls. I have to put their needs above our future together."

Jonathan looked at her and tried again to understand this creature he'd married. Had she always held such a low opinion of him? Unable to compose words that might convey his feelings, he simply nodded. "I'll read it tonight."

Susan's face beamed as she smiled tenderly at Jonathan.

-------

"Daddy, I made sure Mom sent it to Mr. Mark because I want to live with you. I thought you should see what Mom had been doing." She dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "I didn't tell anyone about the gun. I was so scared when I found it loaded again. I hid it and I've been so relieved that you've never asked about it. You can't tell anyone, they'll think you're unstable and use that to try to keep us from you."

Jonathan blinked so hard he was sure the neighbors could hear his eyelids snap back open. Little Cindy was the reason his gun hadn't worked? She'd known? How could she have known, when he'd had no idea that it might happen? Once he'd had a chance to think about what he'd almost done, it had shocked him to the very fiber of his soul. It was just that hopelessness, and the thought that his kids would be better off with him dead. He'd been overwhelmed and he'd had no one to turn to. Still, he couldn't let his daughter know how weak he'd been. The burden of what he'd almost done was his and his alone. His mind raced, he wouldn't lie, but what could he say.

"I wondered what happened to the bullets. The gun wouldn't do much good in a burglary if it wasn't loaded."

Cindy didn't say anything else but she looked reassured as she left the room.

Jonathan sat back on the bed and thought about what Susan had written. For the last sixteen years Susan had been where he stored his vulnerability, sure that she would protect his soft underbelly behind the shield he used to keep the world at bay, sure she'd protect him as he always tried to protect her. Having read Susan's story, he was dumbfounded. First, he'd had no idea that she had so much talent as a writer, and second, he couldn't understand how he'd ever thought that he knew her.

During their time getting ready for that first meeting, Mark had repeatedly talked about how important communication was for the collaborative process to work in a divorce. It had taken hours of skillful questioning by Mark to gather everything Jonathan wanted the lawyer to know. Yet Susan's words just seemed to flow off the page. Why hadn't she ever told him how she felt or what she wanted?

She must have known at some deep level how repugnant it would have been to him.

-------

Jonathan looked around Mark's collaboration room, noting details that he'd missed the last time he'd been here. Mark had gone all out to make this room look like someone's private den. The whole room radiated understated good taste. It was the sort of place that practically required good manners... no, it demanded 'the-preacher's-coming-to-dinner' kind of manners. Jonathan decided that was intentional. People would be less inclined to scream at each other in a room like this. He could feel its atmosphere working on him as Susan entered with her lawyer. She looked radiant, a very fine looking woman. How looks could deceive.

The chairs were arranged differently today. He and Susan sat across from each other, the fireplace to his right. However, this time both lawyers sat at the head of the coffee table facing that fireplace. Jonathan looked expectantly for Mark to begin. He'd spent several additional hours with him preparing for this, their second joint meeting.

Mark nodded at Jonathan and then Susan. "Laura and I have spent over an hour together, going over how this situation has changed. As we've told you, one of the advantages of this collaborative process is that I don't have to look at Susan as someone I'll have to face in depositions or in court. Also, I can look upon Laura as a partner in trying to solve your problem and not an adversary to beat as badly as I can.

"In this process, our job isn't to get our client every knife or fork possible out of the settlement, but to try to find a solution both parties feel is fair and that will allow them to move forward with as little bitterness as possible.

"What I've found remarkable is that using this process most clients give up less than they were prepared to sacrifice, and receive more than they expected. I've found that I'm needed more often to keep my clients from accepting less than most courts would give them, than fighting to make sure they're fairly treated by their spouse." Mark nodded to Laura.

Laura said, "This has been my experience as well. I've also seen less custody problems down the road with this process than is the case in divorces that go to trial. If a couple can end their marriage in a collaborative way, they tend to continue to cooperate when custody problems crop up. Custody problems will happen no matter how tightly the custody agreement is written.

"Part of our job in this process is to work with our clients to get them into the proper frame of mind before the first negotiations begin. Using my experience, I know what is likely to happen in court, and I use that get my clients to be reasonable in their demands.

"Mark and I have been discussing your divorce settlement since the time you both signed the agreement to use this process. While the devil is in the details-- by that I mean partners sometimes fight over some prize possession, that has little market value, but that each 'must' have-- most couples will generally agree to the over-all settlement the two attorneys think is fair. In this case Susan's journal makes all our early work useless. Since Susan was determined to share it with Jonathan, it's going to be part of the divorce process, and it changes the equation."

Mark turned to Susan, "You need to understand that any competent lawyer could use this document to radically change what you could expect in a settlement. Laura and I agreed on what a court settlement would probably look like. Normally, we'd use that as a basis for the four of use to work out a compromise settlement. Because Laura has already said that she's going to withdraw, we're both recommending you accept what we've worked out without modifications. Laura will recommend another attorney in her firm to advise Susan if you want to make any major changes in what we've done. But, Susan you need to understand that the new lawyer would have to start from scratch and it will be very expensive. If you agree to what we've worked out, we can save you both significant legal costs. I think what... 

Susan looked at Laura and interrupted. "But why are we still talking about settlements?" She turned to Jonathan, "Didn't you comprehend what I wrote? Didn't you see how much I love you? You said you loved me, didn't you love me? I know you loved me before Rich. Now that Rich isn't involved, can't we build on our love to create a new and better marriage? Didn't you see how upset I was that I said those hurtful things that first night? I'm really so sorry I lost my temper, but didn't you understand my explanations? Please Jonathan, for the sake of the girls, I'm willing to give you all the time you need to change, to grow into the man I know you can be, to understand what you need to do to keep this from hurting the girls any more."

Jonathan froze. How could he explain? They weren't even speaking the same language. How could two people have been married for so long not speak the same language? They used the same words, but they had different meanings. Jonathan knew what words like love meant to him, but he couldn't understand what those words meant to her.

Looking at Susan, Jonathan tried one more time, "I was happily married for fifteen years. I loved my wife and I knew that she loved me. I loved her completely and without reservation. I didn't hold any thing back from her, not my body, my soul or my deepest fears and weaknesses. I was the happiest man on this Earth to have a wife who I could love and support. Susan, you lived with me for fifteen years, but I was never your husband. I just didn't know it. You may possess the body of the person I thought was my wife, but you were never the person I loved. I don't hate you, but I hate that you made me waste all that time, because you pretended to be someone you're not. I don't hate you, but I sure don't like you, and seeing your body just reminds me of the wife I never had. I loved her, I always will, but as much as I love her, I dislike you for pretending to be her!"

Mark touched his arm. "Jonathan, why don't you go in my office? Jonathan looked at Susan, shook his head and walked quietly to Mark's office.



-------

Chapter 2


Once Jonathan left the room, Laura's gaze pinned Susan like a honey-coated prisoner on an ant hill. "You ought to know the reason I decided I couldn't continue to represent you. My personal feelings won't let me! This agreement is, in my legal opinion, much better than what you'd get in any court. By that I mean that if we got the best judge on his best day, he'd never give you as much as I've negotiated for you. It is my legal opinion that you should sign before it's withdrawn. That's my last piece of legal advice to you.

"I'm going to ask Mark to leave in a second. Since I will no longer be your lawyer, I'd like your permission to speak to you woman to woman. I'd like Mark to witness that you agree to stay and hear what I have to say. I want it very clear that nothing I'm going to say could possibly be considered legal advice, even if we talk about your divorce. If you and he will agree, some of things I'd like to say to you in private might help you. I know they'll make me feel better. Our agreement already protects you from anything said here being used in court. Will you agree?"

Susan nodded and once Mark had left the office she turned to Laura. Her voice had a strained quality as she tried to keep the anger out of her tone. "You're a woman, why can't your see my side? Can't you help us get back together? Maybe recommend a good marriage conselor?"

Laura sighed dramatically. "The only person in this whole process who thinks you should stay married is you. That includes your children; even little Nancy told me that, and I quote, 'it's not fair that daddy has to live in the basement because mommy has a new boyfriend.'" Laura fixed Susan with a practiced glare that had made one opposing male attorney lose control of his bladder during a divorce trial before a jury. "I meant what I said about the settlement. You'd better grab it. Jonathan is being more noble than I'd be. If I had Jonathan as a client and drew Judge Judy Martin, who helped form the local NOW chapter way back when, you wouldn't believe what Jonathan would get. Not only would he own every piece of clothing in your closet, you'd be paying him alimony to make up for his support of you for the last four years! It wouldn't matter if you were living in a cardboard box!"

Susan's faces showed her shock, "No woman would do that to me..."

"I helped Judy form NOW and I'd do it to you. I'm as liberal as they come. I hate it when I hear that asshole Rush talks about liberals not caring about results but only about intentions. I hate it when he says that liberals are more concerned about the reasons for an act someone does that what the act is. What makes me furious is when he can point to women like you as a real life example! Good God woman, what kind of mush filled your skull?

"It's women like you that give women's rights a bad name. You never even made an attempt to carry your own weight, even after your kids were in school. I'm not one of those women who looks down on women who choose the mommy track. I respect a woman who makes it her job to raise a family. That's a big job in this day and age, but that's not what you did. You didn't use your spare time to work for your family, to volunteer to make your city a better place for your kids. No, when keeping one house wasn't enough to keep you busy, you didn't do anything for anyone but yourself. You went out and found another man to be a housewife for. That's the kind of housewife that makes the real housewives look bad.

"You keep telling me that you're a strong woman. Strong women accomplish great things. Can you tell me anything you've accomplished that a weak woman wouldn't? You've told me repeatedly that you want Jonathan to be strong enough to accept you, yet have you accepted him the way he is, the way he shows love?

Laura's eyes blazed, "I quote from your journal: ' I knew in my heart, from what he said, and how he acted, he never loved me enough to want to know why. He never loved me enough to want to understand. He had never asked me why, because why did not matter. Only making love to another man mattered.

'Had he ever loved me or had he only loved having me? Was it now that I was tainted goods, that another man had taken his property, was that all that had meaning to him?... I slowly cried myself to sleep, knowing, feeling that he had never loved me, never would or could love me. I felt, I realized, I had been open to involving herself with Rich, because intuitively I had known that Jonathan had not truly loved me. Ours hadn't been a marriage of love, it had been a marriage of convenience-- for him. He had never given me his true love.'"

Laura looked up from the paper. "You'd just decided that your first attempt to explain your cheating hadn't gone well because you got mad. This time Jonathan told you that you'd changed the marriage contract without consulting him. He told you he hated you that because you'd ruined his family, and you concluded that he had never loved you. Do I have that right?"

Susan relaxed, and nodded, 'that's what I felt.'

Laura gave her a look of incredulity. "What does it take to get through to you? You told me that Jonathan wasn't big on words, did he ever tell you he loved you out of bed?"

"Sure, not very often, and he never elaborated much; it was just something he said because he thought he was supposed to. He never spent anything like the time that Rich did talking about love and what loving me meant to him. Rich would look in my eyes and his words would make me shiver at his need for me."

"Did Rich ever pay your bills?"

"NO! GOD! He wouldn't think of it, he loved me; he never thought of me as a whore! I took Jonathan to task for making that kind of comment."

Laura steely expression didn't change, "I know, I read that. Let me rephrase my question. Besides words and sex, how did Rich show you that he loved you? Did he give you little gifts? Take you to nice places?"

Susan shrugged, "I know he would have, but I couldn't take the risk that Jonathan might find the gift or hear from someone who had seen us someplace, and not understand our relationship. I was right, too, Jonathan didn't love me enough to even ask me why?"

"If he'd asked you why, I'm sure you would have given him other examples of how he failed you as a man. Of how your lover was more of a man than he was, how Rich could better meet your needs because he was..."

Susan interrupted, "No," she paused in thought for a second. "No, it wasn't that much better, really; it was more different than better. Rich provided me things that Jonathan didn't, couldn't. They were different types of men. Rich was..."

Looking even more formidable Laura jumped back in, "I think you said: 'Rich was kind, gentle, compassionate and caring, open and understanding.' Jonathan was only 'strong, stable and solid... ' You make Jonathan sound more like a chair or perhaps a good carpet."

"No" Susan stretched out the word this time, giving it a you-don't-understand inflection. "Jonathan just didn't respond to me the way Rich did. Honestly, he wasn't doing much of anything..."

"If I remember correctly, he didn't do much more than fish every now and then, sit in front of the TV and drink beer. He'd given up most of his friends... became dull, right?"

Susan cocked her head, trying to figure out what the tone Laura used had meant. "Yes, that's true. He's put on some weight too, and he just didn't seem interesting; he didn't talk to me. He didn't want to know how I was feeling."

"I don't suppose working sixty hours a week, fifty-one weeks a year so you could have that half-million dollar house might have had much to do with that? Never mind. What were you doing to find out what was going on in his life? To take care of him? I think he carried his lunch to work to save money. Did you make that for him?"

"Sometimes, getting everyone off in the morning was the most hectic time of the day."

Laura shook her head, and then continued, "Since you did most of the cooking, did you watch his diet, help him get involved in exercise? I seem to remember that you resented that he didn't want to go to the parties that you wanted to attend. Did you try to find activities he might enjoy? Just talking to you both, I know that you are much better at organizing social activities than Jonathan; as a "strong woman," did you take the lead in that area, or was too much of your time taken up doing housework for Rich?"

Susan flinched, Laura's tone was definitely hostile. "If he loved me, he was supposed to put me first, to..."

"Doesn't that mean you were supposed to put HIM first too? Can you give me any examples where you did put him first? Did you put him first when you walked out of the house to go make love to Rich after you eviscerated your husband by telling him he wasn't a good lover? You actually expected him to support you emotionally while you were tearing his whole world apart, along with everything that was important to him, didn't you? I think you wrote that the reason you thought you were entitled to his support while destroying him, was that castrating your husband was emotionally stressful for you. Instead of holding his balls up for your knife, he un-characteristically said some bad word!"

Chastened, Susan said quietly, "I said that I understood that I didn't handle that first night very well, but it wasn't as bad as you're making it sound. I'm..."

"You realized you might have 'expressed your feelings better' two days later, when you were in the afterglow of your lover's ardor. Even then, all you really regretted was that you lost your temper and weren't able to manipulate him into understanding that you were really the victim in the tragedy that you'd created."

Susan bristled, "I'm a strong woman, and I have to make sure I don't let him take advantage of me. If I didn't... 

Susan saw Laura's face turn red, and for a second she thought Laura might lose it. Then in one of those deceptively soft voices Laura continued. "Do you think I'm a strong woman? I'd one of the highest percentage of 'wins' of any lawyer in this state. I was elected three times before I retired as a district judge; I've got two great kids and the three greatest grandkids in the history of mankind, with a fourth on the way. What do you think?"

"Sure, I knew you were a strong woman when I saw the pictures of you and those famous people all over your wall."

"Thank you, I've always thought of myself as strong woman, I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you confirm it. Weak women bring out the..."

Susan frowned, Laura's tone had turned hard again. Then Laura softened and continued. "I've been married to my husband for almost 38 years now. When we were first married he was already a pilot with a major airline but based here in Austin. He was making tons of money and I had just gotten out of law school with tons of student loan debts and other money I owed. I didn't seem to be able to keep track of my expenses. We married and we decided to have our kids before I started my career. Jim put me on a strict budget.

"Then right after then youngest started school and I'd gotten a good job with a firm in Austin, I continued to turn over every penny I made. Not long after that we had a major crisis in our marriage. A drunk hit Jim while he was parked and suddenly he couldn't pass a flight physical. He decided that if he couldn't fly he'd teach math and science to high school kids. Perhaps help them soar someday. So what do you think happened to our budget, now that I was making the big bucks and Jim was pulling in peanuts?"

"You took over, of course, you had the power..."

"No! Nothing changed. I was still a total klutz with my check book. Money just dribbles through my fingers. Jim doesn't like keeping accounts either; he was raised in a household where his mom did all the bookkeeping. But we're a team; where one is weak, the other tries to step up. Jim didn't take care of the money to 'control' me but to allow me have the money to support the causes important to me. That's what partners do.

"Let me give you another example. Jim is an incredible driver. He has fighter pilot reflexes, depth perception and peripheral vision. He's never been in an accident, but he drives like a fighter pilot! So, when we're in the same car, I drive. I'm not as good a driver as he is, but riding with me doesn't scare him, like it does me when he drives.

"The first time I heard him teased by other pilots about letting his wife wear the pants in the family and drive, I wanted to tear into them. It didn't bother him at all. He's strong enough to be teased because my peace of mind is more important to him.

"We're both strong people. We're strong enough to not need to get into ego battles over what stereotypes say our roles should be or shouldn't be. That's true for the old gender stereotypes or the new ones!

"My God, woman, did you have any understanding of your husband at all? What sort of man did you think you'd married? I read your journal and I have to say I don't think I've ever met the sort of man you expected him to be. I expect my husband to treat me as his equal. I'd rip him a new one if he didn't treat me with the respect I'm due."

Laura leaned forward and lowered her voice to make her words carry force, "And I expect him to treat me the same way. He's my equal too! One of the things that makes my blood boil are feminists who want to replace the old male superiority with female superiority, or putting down men. Jim and I are different, but different doesn't mean superior or inferior, it just means different. We're like a beautiful picture that has two halves. If that picture had been cut cleanly down the center there would be nothing to hold us together. Instead we're like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I have indentation and protrusions where he has protrusions and indentations. It is our strengths and weakness that make our picture hold together.

"I give my husband what he needs and I don't count the cost. My picture, my world is incomplete without him. What did you give Jonathan? I could give you example after example using your own words where he gave to you everything he had, but nowhere in your journal did I see you give him anything. Hell, you moan and groan about what he isn't giving you, but you didn't even give him your full attention. You didn't give him the sexual excitement you knew he wanted and that you were willing to give Rich. You didn't give him emotional support, and instead of getting a part-time job so he wasn't working himself to death to give you the comfortable life you wanted, you took a lover so you could give to another what you weren't willing to give to Jonathan.

"I don't know if you are hearing me. This isn't legal advice; it's one woman speaking to another. You owe Jonathan. It's clear from your writing that you never put Jonathan more than fourth in your life. You came first, I hope your kids came second, Rich came third. If you have any character, you'll do your best to try to ease his pain, or at the very least do what you can to stop piling more pain on him."

"How?" Susan pleaded, "He won't talk to me and, living like we are is starting to hurt the girls."

"Susan, if you were Jonathan, would you want a woman like you in your life?"

-------

Jonathan tried to keep the apprehension out of his expression as Mark was seating himself behind his desk. Mark looked at Jonathan, shook his head and said, "Why the hell did you ever marry a woman like that, much less make kids with her and stay married for all those years? Sorry, don't try to answer that. Her journal really got to me. I got into family law to right the wrongs of the world. It took more than a score of years to understand that I was creating as many wrongs as I was fixing under the court system. My instinct is to go for the jugular, but when there are kids, leaving someone bleeding on the courtroom floor doesn't end it.

"Part of this collaborative process is that I don't have to act like a normal lawyer. I have to protect your rights, but generally I spend a most of my time tying to help you understand what's in the best interest of everyone long term. Squeezing every last possible dine out of the settlement makes for a lousy divorce.

"Take it from a reformed shark. The partner who gets screwed keeps coming back like one of those zombies in The Night of the Living Dead for one more shot until the only ones with anything in the bank are the lawyers. That's a lawyer's job, the way the court system is set up, but I knew I was killing good people by making them into something evil. That's not what my church teaches, and it was killing my soul. With this process we try to find the best divorce possible even if my client probably could have gotten a better initial settlement in some people's eyes. I've been doing this for almost ten years now, and I'm proud to say that I've only had three couples go back to court after our agreement. What's more, the settlements stood up in each case."

Jonathan was confused, "What does that mean for me? Since her lawyer is quitting..."

Jonathan paused and had to steel himself to not leap into a fighting stance as he saw Mark's face break into a grin... no it wasn't a grin, it was showing his teeth and they were very dangerous-looking teeth. Those teeth still looked menacing as Mark began, "After Laura gets finished with her Dutch aunt talk, I suspect your soon-to-be ex-wife will feel lower than whale droppings, but I don't think she'll want to delay anything or go to court. In addition to letting her know how the cow ate the cabbage, she's explaining the legal facts of life to her. I just wish there were some way I could represent you in court if she's stupid enough to go there."

Mark took a deep breath and Jonathan watched the gladiator slowly recede back under Mark's urbane exterior. After a few seconds Mark resumed. "I read in a book recently that some of the plains Indians 'honored' their captured enemies by 'letting' them demonstrate their bravery' by torturing them to death. If the enemy took it like a warrior, they not only gave him an honorable burial but wrote songs to his valor.

"What I'd like to do to your wife would make their treatment of captives look like the Geneva Convention. I can only imagine what you'd like to do."

Mark sighed, although it was close to a snort. "Still, as good as that would feel, it wouldn't last. The problem is you've got three kids. For the rest of your life you're bound to that woman. Even after the kids are grown you can't get her out of your life without getting the kids out of your life too."

Mark held up his hand before Jonathan could respond. "Oh, the kids will probably choose you right now, but that won't last. Since their mother hasn't been a monster to them, they'll get over it and miss her. As the years go by they're going to want their mother at special events. When the grandkids come, it's going to be even worse. Our challenge, yours and mine, is to figure out how to force ourselves to settle for less than we can get."

Jonathan felt the anger boiling up from his gut, his muscles tensing. His breathing quickened and some portion of his brain was looking for something or someone to hit. Mark's voice froze him. "What would you do if saw a man with a knife about to rape one of your girls? He's got her pinned and you're alone, unarmed, what are you gonna do?"

Jonathan could almost see it happening. Without a second's hesitation he said "I'd stop him."

"He's got a knife and you know you're going to get hurt..."

"I wouldn't go in half cocked; getting killed wouldn't stop him, but if that's all I could do I'd buy all the time I could... maybe she could get away."

Mark nodded his head, "Some men might just say the words, but the tone of your voice and your body language would convince all but the fools. Frankly, that's what ninety-nine out of a hundred fathers would do. It's what men do to protect their loved ones. It's why good men go to war, to put their bodies between harm and their family. Well, there's a war raging around your family and the question is, are you man enough to protect your girls from it, or are you going to put your desires for revenge first?"

Jonathan gritted his teeth so hard he popped a filling. He spat it into his hand and gritted even harder. The muscles in his arms and legs became steel-hard as his very fiber begged for a target to unleash his fury. His eyes blazed but his brain never quite glazed over into berserker rage. Real men had more ways to fight than just with their fists. Jonathan knew no one would ever give him a Phi Beta Kappa key, but he was more than smart enough to know this wasn't a problem he could hammer to a solution with fists or a sledge.

For over three minutes Jonathan let his inner savage rail at the unfairness of civilization. When he regained control he gave Mark a tiny nod. Mark's eyes widened, and with a tight smile he returned a comradely nod. "One of the reasons I'm glad I'm a Christian is that I still see too many bastards or bitches get away with worse than murder in divorces. I think there's a special corner of hell with their name on the reservation card. I take that passage in Romans that says "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" as a personal contract between God and me. It lets me sleep at night.

"Here's the situation you're in. You can get pretty much anything you want right now, but it won't last. It won't take Susan long to find a sugar daddy of some sort to drag you back into court if she doesn't think she's 'won' in the divorce battle. I suggest we give her the appearance of winning but keep you in control. We give you full full custody while giving her unlimited access. We'll get you title to the house but let her live there as the housekeeper while you work on the rigs. You'll provide an efficiency for her to live in while you're home. That'll be in lieu of any monetary support. In two years, or when she marries if that's sooner. She'll need to find a way to support herself and you can get her out of your house. I assume you don't want to work off-shore more than two years. Of course she'll still have unlimited access to the kids."

Jonathan smiled, "Doing the right thing by my kids hurts, but I'll bet it won't hurt long. That woman will find someone to marry her in two shakes of a lamb's tail."

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A week later Susan drove to Rich's new house in Hillsboro. Despite the truck traffic, the two-hour trip up I-35 had given her time to think for the first time since that talk with Laura. She'd been in shock, and was still surprised at just how fast everything had happened since then. She'd signed the final agreement without any changes two days ago, and now they were just waiting for the courts to make it official. The girls were spending the next two weeks with Jonathan until he left for the offshore rig.

Based on what Laura told her, the settlement was more than fair. Her biggest problem was that she while she had a place to live she needed to find a job to pay for food, clothes and sundries. All that required more money than the jobs she'd been able to find. Realizing that her life with Jonathan was indeed over, Susan decided that she should go back to Rich.

When Rich met her at the door he was more reserved than she'd expected. Pushing herself into his arms she said, "I really need you; it's final, Jonathan and I are done. I love him, and I guess I always will. I wanted to grow old with him, but I guess it's for the best. He was never able to understand me the way you do. We need to make plans. I've let Jonathan have our house, and custody.

"I know you haven't lived here long, but we need to move back so that we can be close to the girls even when Jonathan's in town. I know I said I'd never leave Jonathan, but I guess I always thought he'd love me enough to not leave me."

After her quick hug Rich had released her, and she saw him looking at her with an expression that she hadn't seen before. Uneasy, Susan continued, "What's the matter, Rich, we talked about being together for years. I know the last time we were together you said you wanted me to put my family back together, and I tried, really I have. Now we'll just have to make the best of it. When Jonathan doesn't live up to his end of the settlement, we can go to court and force him to honor it."

Rich's mouth gapped open. She'd never seen him at a loss for words before. After several endless second she said, "I didn't think you could surprise me with your expectations, but I underestimated you. We broke up Susan, remember?"

Susan let her head fall back and gave Rich the same expression she used when one of the girls was being dense, but also cute. "We only broke up because you wanted my family to get together. Since..."

"That's what I said to keep from getting into a bigger fight! Good heavens, Susan. As much as you talked about the importance of being sensitive, you don't have a sensitive bone in your body, do you?"

"Rich!"

"I mean it! You never noticed the changes going on within me. That night when you came over after telling Jonathan about us, I couldn't believe what you told me you'd said and done to him. It was like scales fell from my eyes and I could see myself and what I was. When I told you I couldn't believe you'd been so cruel, all you wanted to do was tell me about the names he'd called you. When I heard you say you'd told him you'd never put up with a cheating spouse, it made me wonder why would I want one? I couldn't think of a single reason. Not a day has gone by that I hadn't wished that there had been some way that I could have shielded my wife from that accident. Some way that I could have died instead of her, she was my other half. She never would have cheated on me.

"When I remembered how I'd loved her and analyzed what I felt for you, they weren't the same emotion. At that instant I understood what Jonathan was feeling. I knew how I'd feel if my wife had been intimate with another man, much less what you were doing to Jonathan with me."

"But it wasn't really cheating on him, I mean what we had was so much more than sex; you needed me and..."

"Yeah, I needed you. I was weak, clinically depressed. Rather than stand on my own two feet and face the world, I hid under your skirts. I let you create a fantasy world centered in you. The only thing I did during those four years that doesn't make me sick to remember is going back to law school."

Rich snorted, "Yeah you loved me; you loved a weak coward, a suicidal man who had no integrity. I was the sort of man who didn't care about anything except getting sex from an overweight woman who was way too old for him. I was the sort of man who made plans on how to screw an honorable husband. We talked about love, but did you notice that in four years you never brought your kids to meet me? Did you notice that during the three years even before we screwed, you never told any of your friends or family about me? Why do you think that was? Could it be you were ashamed of what we were to each other even then? Perhaps worried they might not understand what we were doing to decent people? If I'd been in my right mind I would have been repulsed too!"

Grabbing her arms and holding her out from him like a recalcitrant child, Rich looked deeply into Susan's eyes. "I learned a lot from Jonathan. I was contemptuous of him. I thought he was a man who couldn't 'control' his own wife. I thought of him as a wimp who chose to live in the basement while he knew that his wife was off having sex with a better man. When you complained that he'd stopped having sex with you, I had my final epiphany. I realized how much courage and integrity Jonathan displayed. We told him he'd lose everything in a divorce. So for all practical purposes he divorced you and endured in the same house. We had dumped a load of 100% pure manure on him and he was using the methane to heat his house. When he lost his wife, in an even more painful way than I'd lost mine, he'd taken the opportunity to cut back on work and spend time getting closer to his kids.

"He didn't get drunk, or get spaced out on anti-depressants like I had been doing for years. He just rolled up his sleeves and used his own two hands to build the best world he could for his family. I'd never been so ashamed of myself.

"Do you know why I am still standing here talking to you? It's because of the lessons I learned from a man I've never had the honor of meeting in person. I will accept my responsibility, and will fulfill my obligations. I don't want to have anything to do with a woman like you. But I owe your husband for what I did to him. I played, I got my pleasure, but I didn't pay for it.

Releasing her Rich stepped back, "Jonathan paid for your room and board while I was using you. I owe Jonathan and I'm going to pay him. He'd never take a dime from me, so this is what I'm going to do. No man should have to have an ex-wife living in his house. I'm going to use some of my insurance settlement money to buy a place near his house. It'll be nice, and big enough for the girls and you to live. You can have free use of it until little Nancy graduates, or you marry. Maybe Jonathan won't have to work on the rigs; perhaps he can get another job here to be with his kids full time. That's the best I can do for him.

"Hell, I'll even give you a small allowance to cover your board and clothes. Jonathan paid for those too while I used you. What's more, because I did get something from our 'relationship, ' I'll pay for your education, even college, if you don't take any money from Jonathan. By paying top dollar for everything I got from you, maybe I can buy back some of my self-respect. There's only one requirement. All communication between us will be through my lawyer. If you ever contact me in any way, by mail, phone, email, or in person, the money stops!"

-------

Jonathan was in the greeting card section at the grocery store. Cindy was about to turn sixteen and Jonathan wanted to find a card to say what he was feeling. He'd seen so many beautiful cards with so many wonderful words. He just hadn't yet found one that said, "Okay you're getting ready to start driving and going out on dates. I'm proud to see you so grown up. I love you and I trust you, but if you get hurt, it'll break my heart, so don't!"

'How can a forty-foot wall of cards not have the one I want?' Jonathan thought. He'd already been here an hour and he resigned himself to at least that much more time reading. Out of the corner of his eye he saw an attractive younger woman looking at sympathy cards. She wasn't crying but he could tell that she was very upset. It made Jonathan uncomfortable; his instincts were to try to help anyone in the kind of pain he saw in her. She looked vaguely familiar, and he struggled for the words to say something that might help.

Even two years after the divorce he'd found he didn't want to get involved with a woman, but he knew that it had made him more sensitive to others in pain. He often wished he knew how he could offer support and sympathy without giving the wrong idea.

He sighed. Not being good at giving sympathy wasn't an excuse for doing nothing. He walked over to her and, clearing his throat, he managed, "I'm sorry for your loss. I'll say a prayer for your family." Then he moved quickly back to his section of the cards. He hoped she wouldn't think he was hitting on her or intruding.

"Hi Jonathan. How are you doing, are the girls okay? It's Cindy's birthday isn't it?" The woman gave him a wan smile.

Jonathan had a good memory for people and he hated not being able to remember the name of someone who apparently knew him so well. This was even more embarrassing than he thought. She paused then continued, "Don't worry that you can't remember me. You only saw me in person a few times, but I spent a lot of hours on your divorce case. I'm Janice, I was Laura's paralegal. I didn't work for her very long. I wanted to see what the collaborative process was about before I returned to law school, so I took a job there while waiting for the next session to start."

Jonathan swallowed hard, "Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to butt in, but..."

"Still the noble knight? Oh don't get upset, I meant that in a good way. That's what I called my husband too. His birthday is the same day as Cindy's, that's why I remember it. I'm trying to find something for Mom... his mother. We're still very close. I go to all the family functions, and I've sworn I always will. Lance was killed in Afghanistan about a year before I met you."

"I'm sorry, I know he must have been special, the best ones always die young... uh, I'm sorry, I was in the service before I got married. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. It really sucks."

Her expression softened and Jonathan saw something in her eyes, almost like she was appraising him. Then she said softly, "Yes, the good ones, they do die young, and it's so hard to find real men these days. Men who aren't afraid to be men... 

Epilogue:

"Mom!" Nancy demonstrated she'd gotten her mother's linguistic skill as she added a truly impressive number of syllables to that moniker. "Is it a law that bridesmaids' dresses have to be this ugly? I swear, when I get married my bridesmaids will look great!"

Flopping onto her bed she continued, "Do I really have to go to this wedding? Couldn't we have an emergency? I don't want to have to..."

"I will not stand for that attitude in this house! A wedding is a happy occasion. You will not ruin this day, do you hear me?"

"But Dad," said with an equal number of syllables, "This is the third time I've been her bridesmaid since you and Mom got married nine years ago. I suppose I should be happy I'm old enough now to stop being her flower girl." Seeing his look, she blushed slightly. She never would have vented if she'd been aware that her father could hear her. She stood back up and walked over to Janice, hoping he'd wander off now.

Janice squatted down to pin the hem so she could sew it later, "Jon, we have this under control. It's the sacred right of a bridesmaid to complain about her dress; she wasn't breaking your rule about saying anything negative about Susan. It's just wedding nerves. Remember how you felt when Cindy got married?"

"That's right, dad, it's just the dress. I'm really glad mother finally found someone. Maybe this one will last." As Jonathan left, Nancy giggled at her step-mother. When she gained her composure she asked, "Would you like me to stand on a chair? When I see you squat like that I'm afraid my brother's going to pop right out!"

Janice patted her belly, "I should be so lucky, I'm told the first child is a nightmare." Her expression turned wistful, "I do hope your mother will find what I've got with your father."

Nancy took Janice's hands in hers. "Dad was lucky to find you. We were all lucky to find you. There's a reason we call you Mom and her, Mother. You've taught us all of about what a strong woman is by how you've been there for him. Dad's not that good with words but when I catch him looking at you, I know he thinks you're his perfect woman."

Nancy bit her lower lip and squirmed for a few seconds, then asked, "Janice? I love my dad, and I think he's the greatest. But... well, I mean you're a beautiful, a lawyer, you've got all those awards, I know you make more money that daddy. I know some of your friends have got to think you married down..."

Janice's eye's flashed, "Not if they're friends of mine, they don't! Look, no one can take credit for their intelligence or whatever their gifts are. You're born with those, God gave them to you; you didn't earn them. The marketplace decides what those gifts are worth. The market is not always fair. Why do singers make more than teachers? The only way to really judge a person is by what he does with his gifts. Your father is the world's best mechanic, period. He became that because of his character, his heart and hard work. Be strong enough to never settle for the mediocre in one field if you can have the best in another. It doesn't matter whether he's the best judge or the best janitor. The best in his field is always something special.

"Oh, and don't be so sure about who makes the most money. People will always pay for the best. Besides, even if your title is 'world's the best hamburger flipper, ' odds are you will end up owning franchises. Just look at your dad. Now that he has his own shop you might be surprised at how much he makes. The world will build a superhighway to the door of a good, honest mechanic. I'm a very lucky lady to have found your father. It's been my goal to be the best wife, and the best mom..." Dropping her voice she continued, "You girls were so great, it was so easy. But I'm scared about having to start from scratch with a baby boy."

Nancy swallowed several time to clear the lump in her throat, then continued in a light tone, "There's only one man like Dad... okay Cindy got lucky too, but they don't make them like Dad anymore. I know I've been kissing a lot of frogs recently."

Janice stood and with a gentle smile said, "You're lucky, you know what to look for in a man, your dad's taught you that. There are good strong men out there. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference in a warrior, from a bully, or a bragging blowhard, but if you take your time you can separate the wheat from the chaff. Your dad showed me what kind of man he was when he and your mother were separating. I knew it would take him some time to be ready to move on, but I kept my eye on him. You don't want to let the good ones get away. I didn't plan to meet him in the card section of a grocery store, but when he tried to cheer me up, I knew it was time."

Nancy's face turned serious again, "You never know who's watching you, do you? I mean if dad hadn't been all noble during the divorce, he'd never have gotten you, would he? I know some of the good ones my age haven't finished growing up yet. You've also convinced me that they're worth waiting for, and I will. I'm so lucky that I have you in my life. You've taught me how to be the sort of woman a strong man needs. I love you, Mom."

Nancy placed her hand on Janice's stomach and felt the baby. "Don't worry about him because you are the world's best mom... until I'm ready to claim the title."

The baby gave a stomach rippling kick and both women smiled.

"I love you."

-------



One of the things that I don't think I changed from the original is the length of the affair. In the story Susan encouraged Rich to return to school and to study law. Since law school is three years, I took the minimum amount of time in college (six months) and I only allowed him six months to have passed the bar and be admitted to practice. I think Nici intended Susan to have exaggerated Rich status from a para-legal to lawyer. I chose to make Susan honest.

Finally, the collaborative process is real. I spent time talking to a lawyer, much like Mark, about his experiences. I've tried to be as accurate as I could. Because the lawyer is in Texas and Nici didn't actually reveal a location I set the story in Austin. I can mess up what someone has said with the best of 'em. No one should think the information here is legally sound. It's a story, not a law course. Having said that, as a child of divorce, I liked what I heard about collaborative divorces and I wish my parents had done something like this. The rest of my opinions about divorce are in my stories.

Last but not least I would like to thank Erik Thread and CopyCarver for all their very hard work in fixing this story. There were hundreds of changes I made at their suggestions and it makes the story so much better. Of course every time I read one of my stories I have to make a few little tweaks... which no doubt contain errors they never see. So, all when you see I've violated one of the foibles of English, rest assured it was done after they saw my last text. Sorry guys.




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The End
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Posted:  2007-02-18
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http://storiesonline.net/
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