"You're not going, and that's final!" Rosie's father looked at her sternly.  It was the last night of their holiday in Austria and Rosie's father and mother were going out for the evening.  They were to have a special night out to celebrate the end of the holiday.  They were going to the local whist drive.  They had offered to take Rosie with them but she had said that the excitement might be too much and that she'd prefer to go to the disco in the town square.  There was no way her father was going to allow that!  

"Why - you're only sixteen!" he said, "far too young to go to a bisco"

"I'm as near as makes no difference seventeen", shouted Rosie, "and I don't want to have stupid dinner all by myself in the big dining room", and she wouldn't be mollified until her father made her an offer.

"Well, what about if you get a video thing and then you can order room service, anything you like mind, and eat in your room and watch the video."

Rosie jumped at the chance.  It would be so sophisticated, so grown up to order room service; the hotel had the latest Bond movie and she would be able to ogle Daniel Craig in his shorty bathing trunks (a thing she could not do with her parents present). 
 
As soon as her parents left (her mother waving cheerfully from the back of the taxi) Rosie rushed up to her room and rang down to room service. 
 
"Hello", she said," this is room 42 can I have room service please"
 
"Certainly Madame", a suave voice answered. 
 
Madame!  He'd called her Madame; Rosie felt so sophisticated at the appellation. 
 
"Can I have steak and chips please?"
 
"Certainly Madame, and what wine would you like"
 
Wine!  She'd never had wine before.  She wasn't sure her parents would approve.  But her father had said she could have anything she liked. 
 
"Do you have anything sparkling", she said, "not too expensive", she added hastily. 
 
"Perhaps Asti Spumante' suggested the voice on the phone, "that's very reasonable". 
 
"Oh yes.  A bottle of that please", said Rosie, having no idea what it was. 
 
How best to start the evening?  She wanted to be warm and relaxed for Daniel (even if he was just on video). 
 
So she decided to run a hot scented bath, and lounge in it till the food came.  It was a posh hotel (you wouldn't get her father in anything else) and her room had a whirlpool spa bath.  She just loved to switch on the whirlpool and feel the bubbles tickling her naked... Well she didn't like to think where she liked to feel it tickle.  
 
She lay lost in reverie until she heard a voice behind her. 
 
"Where shall I put the tray Madame?"
 
My God!  The waiter had come in with her dinner.  And she was lying in the bath.  She looked round.  The waiter was standing in the doorway holding a tray.  
 
Rosie leapt up sending water spraying everywhere and turned to face the voice.  Oh my God - she was naked.  Instinctively she started to leap out of the bath, but as soon as she got one foot out her feet started to slip from under her.  To balance herself she bent over backwards like a contortionist, supporting herself on her hands behind her, one on either side of the bath, until she ended up precariously balanced bent over backwards - one foot in the bath and one foot out, legs wide apart. 
 
"Do not be alarmed", said the waiter smoothly, "I have seen it all before"
 
"Gosh", thought Rosie, "If he hasn't seen it all before, he's certainly seeing it all now!"  
 
It was a position that she couldn't hold for long.  Indeed it was a position that she wasn't sure that she wanted to hold for long, seeing that it provided a perfect view of her...well a perfect view.  Her feet slipped from under her and she came crashing down on to the side of the bath.  Fortunately it was her amply padded behind that took the blow, rather than her more delicate parts. 
 
The waiter put down the tray. 
 
"Can you make sure to leave it outside the door when you are finished, Madame", he asked in, what Rosie felt a rather snooty voice. 
 
Rosie took her meal and sat in front of the telly to watch the video.  No point in getting dressed, she thought, much more fun, much more sophisticated, to sit and watch Daniel while sitting relaxed and naked (no other reason - honestly). 

She opened the bottle of fizzy wine and poured out a large glass.  It tasted good.  She poured out another, by the time she'd finished eating she'd practically polished off the whole bottle.  She felt sort of woozy, pleasantly woozy, but nonetheless woozy.  What did she have to do again?  Oh yes, put the tray outside the door.  She stood up and her head went round and round in a pleasant sort of way.  Better cover herself up when she put the tray out - it would never do to be seen naked in the corridor.  She wrapped a towel round herself and opened the door, and stepping outside she bent over unsteadily to put the tray down.  Why did the ground keep moving around like that, she thought?  Why was it rushing up to meet her?  The next thing she knew she had fallen over and was lying flat on the floor.    Oh my God!  Her towel had fallen off.  She struggled to her feet and looked round.  The room door had slammed shut behind her firmly trapping her towel, and leaving her stranded stark naked in the corridor.  Oh no!  She couldn't wait naked in the corridor for her parents to come back.  Let her parents see her naked! Let her mother see that she shaved her... well herself - she couldn't do it.  It was unthinkable.  She would have to go and get help.  She tried to make her befuddled mind work.  Yes - help.  She would go down to the front desk and get them to let her back in the room.  So simple.  Why hadn't she thought of it before?  The fact that her appearance stark naked in the hotel lobby might cause a stir, didn't occur to her. 
 
She walked along the corridor to the lift and pressed the button.  Then she had a thought, riding naked in the hotel lift - not a good idea.  Somebody else might get in.  They might realise she was drunk.  They might tell her parents.  It would never do for her parents to know she had drunk to much.  Not at her age.  Go down the fire escape stairs, that was the thing to do.  She crept down the stairs.  At the bottom the stairs ended in a large door opened by a panic push bar.  There was a lot of writing in funny foreign that she couldn't understand.  So she just pushed the door open and stepped through.  Three things happened then that brought her to her senses.  Firstly the door closed firmly and unopenably behind her, second she found herself not in the hotel lobby, but outside in the cold night air, and finally the hotel fire alarm was going off.  The indecipherable words in foreign had been warning her that this was a fire escape door and as such was alarmed, and not to go out of it unless there was a fire.  
 
The cold night air seemed to have a reviving effect on her brain.  She suddenly woke up to where she was - stark naked in the grounds outside a hotel where the fire alarm was going off.  She looked on horrified as people started filing out of the hotel looking for the fire.   She dived behind the nearest bush, a large rhododendron growing thickly enough to conceal her ample form.  Just in time, as nearly everyone was now out of the hotel.

What was she to do?  She couldn't stay out there all night in the nude and she was already coming out in goose bumps with the cold.  Then it dawned on her, everybody else had left the hotel, there wasn't a real fire, what better time was there to sneak back in again.  Crawling on her hands and knees and hiding behind a hedge as best she could she made a dash for the now wide open fire exit.

Tomas, the waiter caught a glimpse of a strange round pink object dashing through the fire door in the gathering gloom.  Perhaps it was the runaway pig that he had heard so much about!  The manager had had all the staff searching the hotel for it all day.  He couldn't let the pig be trapped in the fire.  He ran for the fire door oblivious to the shouts from the assembled guests.  He ran up the fire escape stairs, catching glimpses of the pig just ahead of him.  It seemed mighty nimble at getting upstairs for a pig.  Finally he heard it going through a door onto the fourth floor landing.  The floor where he had had that strange experience earlier in the evening with the girl contortionist.  

Quietly he sneaked out onto the landing.  He could just make out the pink outline of the pig's posterior as it seemed to be cowering behind a large sofa.  Slowly and quietly he crept up on it.

Rosie was crouched out of sight, or so she thought  Who on earth had been chasing her up the stairs; she had only had time to hide behind the sofa before he had come bursting on to the landing.  Thank heaven he seemed to be walking past.  

She was mistaken; Tomas was only pretending to walk past in order to fool the pig.  As soon as he was level with the sofa he pounced.

Rosie shrieked as she was squashed flat by the pouncing body.  Tomas got to his feet quickly, for the first time in his life totally non-plussed.  What was the girl contortionist doing, crouching with no clothes on behind a sofa.  Was this part of her act?  Had she perhaps been hiding from the pig?

"Excuse me Madame", he stammered, "can I be of assistance".

"Can you just help me back to my room", said Rosie.

"Certainly Madame", replied Tomas, regaining a bit of his composure.  And brandishing his master key he let Rosie back in the room (and took away the tray).

Next day when they were waiting for the taxi to take them back to the airport Rosie's father was grumbling again.

"You'd think they'd have knocked something off the bill for having a wild pig running loose in the hotel.  I hear it was at it again last night".

His eyes ran down the items listed.

"What's this!" he expostulated.  "Steak and chips!  Asti Spumante!  My God girl, what were you thinking of!  Don't you realise it's only red wine with steak!  If the chaps at the Chipping Sodbury Golf Club ever find out what you did last night they'd have a heart attack".

"Yes", thought Rosie, "they probably would"






