Guilty For Life:  I Did It My Way (JZL00_02)

If I let myself be judged by the laws or morals of others, I'd
certainly have a reason for feeling guilty.  I've made mistakes, done
things which were unwise, but almost always tried to do what I felt
was right and good.  If others felt I was doing wrong, especially in
the area of sexual morality, the only effect was that I would try to
keep such things secret.

But since merely having sex at all outside of marriage counts that
way, and rarely is any good reason based on logic given for these
rules, I had a hard time judging where the line was between breaking
them a little (like just having sex, especially at a young age), and
doing something more than that.  I learned early, around age five or
so, that some rules had no reasons for them.  Only punishments, if you
were caught breaking them, but no explanations at all.  It was "just
wrong," but I wanted to know *why* things were wrong, not just that
there were rules against them.

The only judgement I could make was whether the risk of punishment
outweighed the enjoyment of the forbidden activity.  I was good at
avoiding being caught, most times, and though I tried to avoid lying,
using untruths, failing to speak the whole truth was effective, and I
got very good at it.

In the end, i did it my way.  I knew when something felt good and
right, and I didn't need some ancient, illogical morality to make up
my mind.  Frank Sinatra had it right, when he sang "I Did It My Way,"
and I hope that I can always say the same thing, and believe it.

My parents supported this.  No, not directly, they never came out and
said it quite like that.  But by actions, by their opinions, they
showed me that their judgements, their rules, were all they cared
about.  Punishments were erratic, too.  Sometimes we'd get off lightly
when caught.  Others, including merely talking to our parents at the
wrong time, were very harsh, and I noticed early on that this wasn't
fair.  Later in life, I can blame part of this on the effects of
alcohol,.  A child can't make sense of parental irrationality.  I
tried, but mostly, I learned that my parents' rules weren't always
right.  Given that, we, all of us children in our family, learned
early to avoid being caught in the worst transgressions, not to tell
our parents about them at all.  Even when caught, we'd deny
wrongdoing, and we never told on our siblings.

Not always by deception, because we often would say we weren't doing
anything wrong, and truly believe that.  We'd remember, perhaps, our
parents' rules against it, but since there was no reasoning behind it,
just a threat if we were caught, it was easy to forget about them. 
The theory that painful punishment reinforces lessons obviously didn't
work on us, when there was no lesson other than "Obey or be punished!" 
How were we supposed to know how to obey, especially when we were
having fun with our friends and not hurting anyone?

That gets back to my main point: The only way I can feel guilty for
these things is if I accept someone else's rules.  I did what I felt
was right, and it seemed like a good idea at the time.  No terrible
consequences occurred, which makes judging it bad in retrospect an odd
idea.  It is easy to say, "If I knew then what I know now, I'd never
have done that.  Or I'd have done it completely differently!"  But you
didn't know those things, and some you'd never have learned without
doing them.  Why not accept the good things, and learn from the bad,
and go on from there?


General Issues:

Sibling references, etc.:  There are times when I feel like everyone
with siblings close to their own age must have had some sharing of
body exploration and sexual feelings.  Maybe not all out sexual
contact, but at least some experimentation, some curiosity.  At the
least, some temptation.

My siblings and I were always close to each other.  Trusted playmates,
and more trusted than our parents.  Nudity didn't start out as a big
deal, not a problem issue with us.  With my brother and I sharing a
room, there wasn't much hope of not seeing each other naked.  I don't
think that most parents try to keep same sex siblings apart in that
way.  But my sisters, especially the oldest, had little problem being
unclothed around us boys, partially exposed in our presence, and we
didn't worry about the reverse either.  Part of that, most  of it
early on, was not sexual at all. A mix of natural comfort in that
naked condition, the sensuality of it, coupled with the limited space
in our tiny house in the city, made it easy for us to do it without
feeling that it was something unusual.

It felt natural to share our discoveries with each other. Sexual
pleasure was something wonderful for me, and it was something I wanted
to share and explore.  As I was the oldest child, there was some
implicit responsibility, some possibility that I made my siblings do
things which were unwanted.  Yet we all had the talk with our parents,
and teachers at school later, about unwanted contacts from strangers. 
If it was a problem, any of us could have done something that way.  As
important, we talked to each other, telling other siblings about
complaints without involving our parents, and working things out
between us.  We did so, and sometimes, we'd say "no" to requests,
without fighting or trouble.  All of us, including myself!  I don't
remember any time when we did things together like that with coercion,
not sexual things.  Sometimes we'd use a bit of force in our
arguments, as kids will, about toys and such, but not even too much of
that. We would tell our parents about things like that, when one of us
hurt another.


I point out this stuff because even chapters in JZL without an (inc)
code may mention siblings, cousins, or my parents.  We saw our parents
naked often while growing up.  To me, that seemed natural and normal,
though it really caused a problem with my internal conflict between my
parent's rules against nudity with girls my age (other than my
sisters, but they didn't count), and what they did together.  I knew
that playing naked could get me into trouble, but I didn't perceive
doing it with my siblings as being more trouble than doing it with an
unrelated friend.  My siblings were my closest friends, as well, and
it was much easier to find private places to play together in our own
house.  We all felt we needed each other, and sensual, and later
sexual, pleasure was a way to be good to each other.

At the time, I felt that what we did was just playing.  Not having sex
with each other at all, not making love.  Sharing pleasure, maybe, but
not an unnatural relationship.  I loved, but was not in love with, my
siblings.  We might have gone too far in showing our love, but it felt
right, pleasant, and happy.  It was a secret, of course.  We knew some
other cousins and siblings who'd mentioned, subtly, such contacts too,
so we knew were weren't alone in this.

"Playing bare" was our private name for all games involving nudity,
whether contact was involved or not.  I didn't feel guilty about doing
that at the time, and as an adult I don't feel guilt about it often. 
Our playing was mutual, all of us initiated things at different times. 
Part of it might have been curiosity, coupled with parental silence
and indifference, and our fears of punishment if we tried to ask about
any of what we were doing.  Once we'd crossed the line, we couldn't
ask about it without risking exposing our "transgressions" of our
parents' rules.  And there was no way at all that we'd give up the
pleasure we felt doing it, and we just knew that they'd never tell us
"Go ahead, play that way and have fun, but here's how to do it
safely."  Can you imagine that from your parents?

Lacking adult guidance, we used ourselves to learn about these things. 
Genetic sex drives might be part of it as well.  If it was just
"following my lead," because I felt such desires early, then why did
my parents, and their siblings, and our cousins, all have similar
sorts of experiences.  Not necessarily incestuous things, but none
waited until age 16 for sex, and if they were closer than some other
siblings, they may not have mentioned it in front of us kids, any more
than my siblings and I will in our adult conversations.

Why it was doesn't matter for my story.  Nothing bad happened from it,
and all of us turned out normal.  Or at least, not much different from
other sexually active people we know.


Bisexuality:  This is another of those tricky issues to talk about. 
Early on, I felt no reason not to explore sexuality with members of
the same sex.  Of my early partners, this tended to be a common
feeling.  Not universal, but for many, our early sexual blooming
started with friends of the same sex, because it was easier to play
naked with them than those of the opposite sex.  Even with friends of
the opposite sex available, as I had, we could have fun equally with
both sexes, doubling our pleasure times.

I didn't get hit with a sense of peer pressure against homosexuality
until 7th grade (age 12).  By then, I'd experienced sex with both
genders, and felt comfortable doing it, if not talking about it with
new acquaintances.  I couldn't ignore my feelings, just because of
social pressures.  Since sex itself was still something to keep secret
at this age, not a thing to brag about for status, it wasn't unsafe,
reputation-wise, to have sex with discreet, close friends.  Nor did we
wish to spread stories about our same sex partners, even if we did
wish to brag!  It wasn't the sort of thing that everyone would accept
as being a normal sexual thing.  Me, I wasn't much into bragging
anyway.  But I did tell close friends something.  But not all, keeping
names and other details secret,and not mentioning a lot of what I'd
done.  I would tell freely of what I'd read about, and my opinions on
the subject, and how good sex was, for sure.  Our parents were the
last risk, and a good reason to take care in such bragging.  I dared
not let them learn what I'd been doing, because I wasn't supposed to
be doing it.  I didn't know how I'd be punished, but I felt it would
be much worse than for lesser transgressions of that sort, such as
being outside naked, letting my sister leave the house without
clothes, etc.

At that time, age 12/13, I felt that everyone who'd learned how good
sex felt, and had some good, discreet friend to try it with, would be
doing it often.  Same sex siblings, of a close age, and best friends
of the same sex, both seemed like excellent candidates for this kind
of thing.  Opposite sex too, but usually, your parents wouldn't let
them sleep in your room overnight, which made such things harder to
do, requiring outside exposure.

Masturbation could be shared, no problems, even without touching.  But
why not touch, when someone else's touch was so much better than your
own?

Of course, people say that didn't happen for them.  It is nature to
extrapolate your own experiences to represent everyone else.  I
figured that folks either refused to mention such things, especially
those whose taboo against same sex contact (or incest!, or BOTH!) were
very strong, or had blocked it out of their adult memories.  All I
knew is that for me, and many of my friends of both sexes, sex play
with friends of your own sex was common.  Some were interested mostly
in their own sex early as well, even if they did things with the
opposite sex.  I noticed this more in my female friends than male, but
maybe that was because the boys were less likely to admit, at that
stage, that girls didn't turn them on like boys did.

Being bisexual might not truly double your chances of getting a date,
despite Woody Allen's joke about the subject, because you'll be
mistaken as preferring the opposite gender of your intended partner. 
But for early sex, it was wonderful, because sleep over parties and
spending long times together alone, even naked together in a room with
privacy, are easy to arrange for, and don't draw parental fire like
opposite sex contacts do.  I'd have loved to have girls sleep over in
my room too, but that was impossible to arrange openly.  Though having
a sister did make some opportunities like that possible, when she had
my girlfriends sleep over, or her friends hit on me (and vice versa to
some degree).


Plurality:  I rarely had a time when I had a relationship with one
person, exclusive of all others, and no one else open as an option. 
Not within the periods covered in this story, anyway.  I did want
that, sometimes very much, but I wasn't willing to break up other
non-exclusive relationships I'd established in order to get it with
one good lover.  Nor did I find many partners who insisted on that and
who had gotten close enough to me, knowing about my other
relationships.  Anyone who stuck with me for long knew I liked sharing
love with many, but usually had one who was closest to me, who was my
best lover and friend.

My plurality started early.  Two girls liked me in early grade school,
and they were best friends with each other.  That meant that if I was
boyfriend to one of them, I'd be depriving the other.  So we didn't do
that, I was a friend to both, though one of them was my "girlfriend." 
That didn't matter, because we three did things together equally. 
Even when I played naked with the girl next door, it was friendly
play, which didn't rule out doing it with anyone else, and I did try
things with others.

I knew that romance rules, as shown on TV and movies and other places,
said "One boy, one girl, nothing extra."  But in my life, it just
didn't work out that way.  For one thing, stuff I did with siblings
and same sex friends counted as playing, not having sex, and
definitely not as having a loving sexual relationship.  For another
big thing, I had several friends turn into lovers in a short period,
and jealousy didn't spring up.  Sex was good, love was grand, but we
were friends first. You can have more than one friend, and you can
share things with all your friends, without losing them.

Another thing was that a lot of relationships didn't break up, in the
sense of no longer being close friends or potential sex partners.  We
drifted apart, no longer so close, but still close enough to have sex
if we had time alone together, no compulsion or commitments.  Moving
apart too came from outside forces, the childhood moves to new
residences, new schools, and such.  But if we had a chance to get
together again, we could get close, just like we were before, without
getting in the way of whatever other relationships we had.  And since
part of our friendships involved sex, it just felt right to do it.

Free love, open relationships, "Make Love, Not War!"  Those were the
words for our time, our feelings.  Not everyone felt that way, or
embraced the power of the sexual revolution, but we did it.  No
possessiveness, no jealousy, just harmony and pleasure.  It was easy
for me to do it.  I had a hard time feeling jealous at all.  My one
try at it, in 5th grade, when my girlfriend was spending time with a
new boy in the area, just playing, really, didn't work out well, and
when I realized how stupid I'd been to fight over something like that,
it stuck into me.  Tore out whatever made me feel jealous in the first
place, gone forever, so it would never happen again.  Sometimes, this
meant losing a lover to someone else, but if that made them happy, it
was OK.  I could always find someone else, and still be their friend,
sometimes their lover again.  I usually had some prospects open at all
times, as well.  I could blame part of this on having so many
relationships cut off early, out of my control, so I needed to have
some protection, just in case.  But I truly don't know the cause, only
the effect.

This was all open, too.  Not that I told about every relationship, or
even every sex act, but I didn't lie about being with other people. 
Nor would I say that I would go steady and NOT date, or have sex, with
anyone else.

Despite this, or maybe because of it, I usually had one or two main
partners, who I was in love with and did sex and other things with the
most.  They knew more about my other activities than the others I
played with, but also, most did things with others themselves, and
were OK with my actions, or even encouraged it.  Other partners were
just sexual friends, not serious lovers, but fun to play with when
we'd get together.  There were many others who were random, short term
playmates.  Often, these came up during periods where I wasn't
strictly with someone, but others were met at parties or similar
scenes where making out could mean kissing, or doing more than that.


Doing it with lots of partners:

Sometimes, this can feel like bragging.  But quantity isn't the same
thing as quality.  There also isn't a huge secret to making it happen,
if it is what you want to do.  You just have to choose to go that
route, that's all.

If I count main romances only, skipping all of the "friends who have
sex together" situations and short term things, it drops a lot.  My
first three girlfriends came to me all at once at age 11.  The next
five serious ones take me up to 14.  Three more cover 14/15, and
another three for 16-18, when I graduated from high school.  That is
14, up to the point of starting college, and starting young was
obviously a factor in getting it that high.

Of these, some were only serious romances for a few short months, even
if we stayed "friends who share sex" much longer than that.  Given
that many of these relationship overlapped, if I had tried to follow a
"one girl at a time" rule, I'd probably have lost half of the above
serious relationships, and some might never have started, because I
wouldn't have broken up with one to get the other.  And maybe even
more would be lost, because the casual openness and flirting came
partly from the confidence of having done so successfully, and often,
learning about friendly, intimate relationships along the way.

If I'd picked the right ones, though, I'd have had sex nearly as
often.  Quantity of partners doesn't mean frequent, satisfying sex.  I
have no complaints in general about the less serious, short-term
partners.  But a steady, caring lover in a long relationship always
ended up being better.  The spice of a new lover is exciting briefly,
the learning is great, but being with someone who knows and loves you
still beats it.  Sex is something shared, and the confidence that your
lover *will* have sex with you is also a plus for getting sexually
romantic.  You try to learn, to please as well as you can, so you do
it better, and you know what the other likes.  And they know you.  I'd
have been happy with only one lover at a time.

Except for one thing:  I was open to other offers, and accepted them
often.  Even if I wasn't trying hard, light flirting and simply being
available makes you open for more things.  Especially if it is known
that you are available, despite having a steady, for a discreet bit of
pleasure.

There were other reasons, of course.   I was unwilling to deny old
partners pleasure, as long as it didn't get in the way of making my
current lover happy.  Sibling, cousin, and simple friend relationships
also didn't count against the "emotional bonding" of love, being
purely sexual, closer to masturbating with a friend than making love. 
Even though some of these were more than that, love of a sort, it
wasn't the romantic link of "being in love."


Parties with make out games, especially some of the later ones which
were close to orgies, if not explicitly so, made for easy, quick,
light contacts with sex, but nothing more.  Often, for parties, oral
sex only, or touching and playing not even reaching that stage.  But
not intercourse, with the need for protection and the risks, and
implicit closeness, that involved.  Oh, a lot of the times it did go
that far, but it was still just for fun, and safe.  Safer than drugs,
at least that is how I thought of it, and explained it to others.  No
hangovers, no lasting trips, just feeling good, and definitely no ODs.


Telling stories about this might be more exciting than the real events
were.  I'm not sure about that ;-)  I mean, new partners added some
excitement from curiosity, but I've always found that loved partners
who offer sex romantically are just as exciting, and are better
lovers, given time to learn and practice.  Part of the storytelling is
omitting some of the bad things, or more often, toning them down. 
While sex is always good, and it seemed like I always wanted it, not
every experience was equally good.



Teens Have Sex Early And Often:

Some of you might be shocked at that fact.  At least, that is the
impression I get from certain TV talk shows and magazine articles,
which go on about how 14 year olds, and even 12 year olds, are out
there having sex, often with many partners, and are enjoying it.

It isn't all of them now, I'm sure.  It wasn't when I was young,
either.  There were 18 year old virgins when I was in high school, who
never had anyone touch them sexually.  And more who might have done it
a little earlier than 18, but still had few partners, maybe only one,
and didn't do it often.

I wasn't one of those.  I might be more shocked by 18 year old virgins
than the 18 year old who'd have over one hundred partners, except that
I knew that both were possible.  I was friends with those on both ends
of these extremes.

I wasn't that active, either, but I was far from being a virgin by 18. 
Seven years away, in fact.  I might have said this before, but my sex
life seemed normal to me.  Some friends played around with more people
that I did, mostly girls got more boys, but some boys weren't short of
partners either.

I don't think it was my looks, not as a main thing drawing lovers in. 
Lots of nice looking boys and girls had few partners, and some of them
were virgins.  I'm sure it wasn't money, because I was usually broke,
and rarely could afford the clothes to dress in a fashionable style. 
Unless you count T-shirt and jeans as fashion, which was workable for
the hippie/rocker/freak sorts, I didn't stand out that way from other
kids.  Fame and school status also wasn't the big factor.  I wasn't a
jock, really, and math club status just doesn't rate high for
popularity, even if lots of kids know you.

I was into music, and it did help being a musician who played rock,
and was in a band, playing some private parties and such.  But there
were a fair number of those at my school, given its focus on art and
music, and not all had lots of offers for sex.

I wont' even claim reputation as a lover.  It was a factor, sometimes,
more in the early 14/15 years, when fewer boys had a lot of
experience.  But to *get* that reputation, I had to be doing it a lot
in the first place.  At least, if it was an honest reputation, the
sort you get when current or ex-lovers mention how nice a time they
had with you, not based on your own bragging (or same sex storytelling
in the locker room by others).


So, what was the secret?

I'm not sure.  But here's a theory:


I wanted sex.  Not just sex, I wanted to share the pleasure of it with
my friends.  I talked about it with them, flirted often, and was up
and open to offers, confident, usually no hesitation at all.

Starting early was a big bonus too.  I was into romance, forever it
seemed.  Kissing and holding hands at seven; playing husband and wife
while playing "house" with the girl next door at nine; naked cuddling,
but no sex yet, at ten; masturbation to climax later that year; and
finally, real sex with several friends by eleven, doing it often that
year.  Most of those friends also had similar desires, had learned
masturbation by that point, and many had tried things with others than
myself, before doing it with me. 

Doing it makes you want to do it more.  I think that most of you might
have noticed that part.  By twelve, I was confident about it, wanted
it, and was discreet, not bragging about my conquests.  I'd talk about
what you could do with sex, and how wonderful it was, and especially,
how nice I could make a girl feel.  But not who I'd done it with, if I
even got to the point of mentioning that I'd actually done it. 
Usually, I avoided giving that way, and would shyly clam up when asked
if I was still a virgin.  I liked that better than letting myself leak
out things I'd promised to keep secret, and I truly meant to keep such
promises to my friends.

If I was to talk about much about what I'd done, better with someone I
wanted to do it with, or was doing it with, than someone who I hardly
knew, and had no desire to do such things with.  Bragging on the
school yard seemed stupid, the silly "macho" talk with boys,
especially just acquaintances.  I listened to some of them, and I knew
they were making stuff up by how obviously they got details wrong.  I
was smart enough to correct them, but not argue the point by giving
away what I'd really done.

I made lots of offers, and was patient.  Sometimes it took years
before a friendly flirtation worked into a sexual relationship.  The
shotgun method of subtle hints and friendly contact worked to get
results.  Part of that was my offers were to make a friend feel good,
to please them.  I was into giving back rubs, and other advice for
relaxing, how to meditate, how to keep calm and happy, avoiding
freaking out or wallowing in depression.  I'd been through all that
bad stuff, and maybe I didn't know everything about it, but I knew how
not to let it get at me again.  Girls quickly learned that I'd listen
to them, talk with them, touch them how they wanted, but not demand
more for myself.

A lot of girls learn that you can give a boy a blow job and it will
make them happy, without having to do more.  The good boys will try to
give something back, but making the offer first lets them keep in
control.  I'd learned early on that pleasing girls was a lot of fun,
and I wanted to make my friends happy.  I knew how nice I felt when
they did things for me, and I really wanted to pay them back for it. 
So, often, I'd offer it first.

By college age, this wasn't so unusual, but in high school, it was a
nice bonus for my reputation.  Until high school, I didn't know that I
*had* real reputation that way.  Girls do tell each other things which
they never let on to boys directly, at least, not without a close,
intimate relationship.  But by my adult years, I'd had a lot of
experiences, and wasn't desperate to try everything out just because
it was new.  Or even that desperate at all.  I knew that I could do
something about being horny, by myself if my current partner wasn't
cooperative and I had nothing else lined up.  I was very laid back
about the whole sexual relationship thing, and looking for partners
who felt the same way.  It turned out nicely, and I knew that I was
coming closer to the point where I'd want to settle down, one partner
only (or more than one, but arranging that is darn hard), exclusive. 
It wasn't so easy to arrange, and I'm not willing to go into that part
of the story, but I know for sure that the grass on the other side
isn't greener.  It is nice, but I don't need to keep looking for the
perfect place, if I've found one that feels perfect for me.

Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/
For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
