Building a Past (MF, rom, slow, plot)

Chapter 2
Part 1
2001

As Maria left, I turned to Sam.

"I'm going around back to check the fill dirt," I told him. Mostly, I just wanted to be by myself for a few minutes, to take the time to collect my thoughts and keep from running down the road after Maria. 

"I think you might want to wait for a second," Sam said. "Look."

He pointed down the road where Maria had just left. But she wasn't driving away. In fact, she was barrelling back toward us, as fast as her little car could go in reverse.

She was out of the door before it stopped moving.

"R.J.?" she screamed as she ran to me. I felt tears on her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Oh my God! It's really you," she said. "I can't believe it. I didn't think I would ever see you again. Oh, God. Look at you. You have changed so much." Maria still had her arms wrapped tightly around my neck.

Finally, she pulled back with her hands resting on my shoulders, staring hard at my face.

"Why didn't you tell me it was you? I almost died when I looked the mirror and saw you waving. It was just like when we were young!"

"I just figured you didn't remember me," I told her, shrugging my shoulders. "I mean, it was a pretty long time ago."

"I've never forgotten you, R.J.," she told me and I could tell by the look in her eyes she meant it. "But, I did pretty much give up on ever seeing you again."

I told her that I had almost given up, too, but I was glad I hadn't.

"Ride back into town with me," she said. "We have so much to catch up on! My God, I can't get over how much you've changed. You're definitely not the skinny little boy I grew up with. But, I guess you weren't the last time I saw you, either."

"More than just my looks have changed Maria," I told her. "And I hope we do have time to catch up, but I can't right now. I have a lot of work to do here.

Plus, I was filthy and probably stunk to high heaven. Definitely not what I pictured when I dreamed of meeting Maria again.

"We don't work during the afternoons because it so hot. We have about an hour left this morning before it gets unbearable. Then we'll come back after 6 p.m. to work. Maybe I can get cleaned up and meet you in town this afternoon for a while."

"Oh, no. I am not letting you out of my sight this time," she said. "Who is charge here? Maybe we can work out some way for you to take some time off."

Sam stepped forward.

"Well, I think I can do without him for the evening," he told her. As I started to protest, he concluded with a smile and a pat on my shoulder, "I somehow think MY boss would forgive me."

I knew immediately that he was right. But I still was nervous about being around Maria. 
What if I had changed into a person she didn't like? What if she had changed? What if the person I had become didn't compare to the one in her memory?

I stood there, lost in my thoughts, until Sam pulled me back to reality.

"Go hose off," he told me. "Then get going. You have the rest of the day off."

"With pay, of course," Sam added with a sly grin.

It was agreed that I would meet Maria in town at the only place I knew, a little basic shop near the small clinic where Maria worked.

I took a few minutes to wash two or three days of accumulated grunge off my body, then walked back to our campsite to change clothes, realizing the only things I had were work clothes -- jeans, T-shirts and cut-off shorts. I guessed I was going to have to make the best of it.

I put my baseball cap back on and began to walk the quarter-mile into the town, my thoughts racing a million miles a minute.

What would I say? Would we have anything to talk about? What if I was right all along: in the real world, what did I have to offer Maria?

I began to feel those old feelings of inadequacy that I long ago put away. But still I walked on.

As I turned the last corner before the meeting spot, my mind was a blur.

I saw her standing outside, talking to an elderly gentleman. When I noticed the ease in which she carried herself, the grace she always had, I figured that if she looked past my faults when we were younger, maybe she could now, too.

Maria's face broke in to her trademark grin when she saw me walking toward her. I was pretty sure things would be OK.

-----

OK would be, at best, an understatement.

She had put together a small picnic and led me to a little spot near a small river that ran past the town.

We walked arm-in-arm, talking about how life had brought us to this point.

Then we sat under a small tree and talked more.

Over the next hours, I found that Maria had left San Diego State after I saw her, and she had worked for a semester to help pay her tuition.

Finally, she earned a full-scholarship to Cal-Bakersfield where she finished her undergraduate work about the time I was heading home from Central Europe.

I found that for two years she and I lived less than a mile from one another when I was at San Jose State and she was in medical school at Berkeley.

I told her about trying to find her, and about the letter I had written. I mentioned that I joined the Marines, but didn't tell her about Europe. 

When she asked about my mom, I told her simply, "I haven't seen her in a while."

I guess it was true enough, but still not the truth.

"Oh, R.J., I can't believe I came between you and your mother," she said, genuinely upset. "You really haven't seen her since you left? You really have changed. The last time we talked, I figured you'd be back there in no time."

"First, Maria, R.J. pretty much is gone," I began. "I'm known as Josh now. R.J. was who I was when I was a rich, snotty kid. Really, at lot of who I am now, I learned from you. I meant what I told you earlier today. You taught me more about being a human being than anyone. I was a little nervous about coming here after I saw you at the job site. I wasn't sure you'd like the man I've become. He's far different from the boy you knew."

Maria was blushing furiously beside, more beautiful because of it.

"I can see that," Maria told me. "I could tell it embarrassed you that I didn't recognize you this morning. Not only do you look different, but you act different. Though I know it hurt you today, you didn't push it. The boy you were would have, maybe even made sure I was embarrassed too. Even though I cared about you a lot back then, you still were pretty used to getting your way.

"But, today you just kept smiling at me and tried to make sure I wasn't embarrassed. I am a little surprised that you are working doing manual labor. I think you changed more than even you realize. I just want you to know that if you're happy with the decisions you've made and the person you've become, I am sure that I will. 

"You still have all your best qualities, you just refined some of the rougher ones," she finished with a smile.

Finally, she asked how long I had been working in construction.

"Since the second clinic was built," I told her, still not really wanting her to know much about my life. As much as I thought she was an adult version of the sweet, sincere girl I had known, somehow my mom's voice popped back into my head. "Be careful, she's probably only after your money," it said.

"I met Sam after I got out of the service," I continued. "I am pretty good at reading plans, and I am getting better at building things. Eight of the 10 of us have worked together pretty much since the beginning. We're almost like a little family."

"I could see that," Maria said. "It's nice for you. Speaking of family, do you know Miranda is here, too? I came down in 1997, after I completed my residency. She followed about six months later. I can't wait to see her and tell her I finally found you!

"She and I did almost all the work on the grant proposal. I was so excited when it was approved. Now, after seeing you again, I am even happier."

It was my turn to blush.

"I heard it was really tough to get the grant," Maria continued. "Miranda talked to a group in Guatemala who got one two years ago. They said it took them three tries. But, they said that the group who gives them always sent back a letter, explaining why they didn't receive one and encouraging them to apply again. Miranda said it was a good sign since I'm named Maria and it's called the Maria Grant.

"When we got the letter in March, I figured that was what I would be looking at. But then, Miranda talked to someone named Gwen and she filled me in on what would be happening. Gwen was so great, taking us step-by-step through the process. And two months later, it's a reality.

"Have you ever met Gwen?" Maria asked.

"Yes, I know Gwen," I told her. "She's pretty well keeps things running, from what I understand."

"I heard that there is a small group who gives out the grants," Maria continued. "Do you know how it works?"

"Well, some," I told her, wishing the conversation would move another direction. "It's pretty much like you said."

"Is it true that one guy put all the money up for this?" she asked.

"Yes, that part is true," I told her, wondering where this conversation was going.

"Have you met him? I mean Gwen told me a few things, but she said he was pretty secretive," Maria said.

"Yes, I know who he is, and Gwen was right. He is fairly secretive. I don't think many know who he is," I told her, a little dissappointed. I was starting to think Maria had become a little more money-conscious as she grew.

"What's he like?" Maria continued with the questions.

"I guess he's nice enough," I told her. "Maybe a little hard to get to know, but once you do, I think he's OK. Really, I get the impression that he just wants to do something right."

"Well, if you see him again, just let him know what he does makes a difference. These people in this town will have a much better life because of his efforts," she said. "If he wanted to do something nice with his money, he picked the right thing to do. Just let him know, from us here, OK, R.J.? Oh sorry, I mean Josh. That is going to take some getting used to. Josh Berisford. It has a nice sound to it."

"I'll tell him," I said. "I know he will be pleased."

Of course, since I was he, I knew for a fact he was pleased.

The longer we talked, the quicker the years disappeared. We found ourselves sitting shoulder to shoulder against the tree. Our laughter accentuated by the rippling of the nearby river.

It had been 14 years since we spoke, almost 16 since we sat and visited for this long, and nearly 25 since we first met.

It felt to me as though we just spent time like this yesterday. Gone were the hours of longing for Maria, wondering where she was, wishing I was with her wherever that might be.

I now was with her. I knew it would impossible for me to lose her again.

"This is so nice, Josh," Maria said, as she placed her head on my shoulder, just like she used to when we were 15. "I've missed you, missed us, so much."

As she leaned closer, her eyes moistened a little, our lips barely an inch apart, I took her hand in mine, and couldn't believe what I felt.

An engagement ring on her left hand.

Part 2
2001

I pulled my hand away from Maria's as if stung.

"I'm sorry, Maria," I said. "I didn't realize you were engaged."

Forcing a smile, I continued, "I hope he realizes just how lucky he is."

She glanced at her hand, a look on her face I couldn't recognize.

"I, I guess I am engaged, R.J.," she said sadly. "I got caught up in seeing you again. I, I forgot. I should have told you."

Again, I tried to put her at ease, but I think I failed miserably. I had so many emotions running through my head -- guilt, hurt and, yes, even betrayal.

"It's OK," I said. "I think we both got caught up in seeing the other. It's been too many years."

Our conversation was strained for a few minutes, and I was beginning to wonder if maybe I should get ready to head back to the site.

But, after a while, our talk turned back to familiar things, and we spend another two or three hours visiting. But we didn't touch the other again.

Finally, it was getting dark, and I knew I should go. At the same time, I knew when I left her this time, I really would finally have to leave her behind -- for good.

"Maria, I can't tell you how great it is finally see you," I said. "For a long time, I wondered if I ever would. Now, at least I know you are well and you're happy. I also hope we won't go another 15 years without talking."

"Well, 15 hours maybe," she said, a smile forming. "I'll come out to the site tomorrow and get you in the afternoon."

"Well, I'm not sure about that," I told her. "If we are going to get the clinic underroof in two weeks, it's going to take some work. I think I probably should stay and work for the next couple of days. Just to make sure that we get done on time."

Maria knew what I was doing and probably why I was doing it. But, she wouldn't let me off the hook easily.

"I saw Sam had a cell phone on his belt," she said. "Do you have one?"

I told her I didn't, Sam was the only one who needed one, since he made the arrangements for deliveries.

"Give me his number," she practically demanded. "I'll call and check to see how busy you are before I come out."

I recognized the determined look on her face, so grudingly, I gave in.

"Why don't you wait a day to call," I said. "That way it won't look like I am trying to get out of work. OK?"

I knew that would give me time to make arrangements to be very busy for the next few days. At least until I could sort out my feelings.

"Alright, phones are pretty scare through here, but here is a number you can call me at," she said, taking a piece of paper from her purse to write down both numbers. "Come on, I'll give you a ride back to the site."

"Nah, that's alright," I replied, laughing. "It's a pretty night and I'll just walk. I need to stretch my legs a bit after sitting for four or five hours."

We walked back into the small town and I left Maria at her car.

"Even if we get busy and I can't visit with you, I promise I will stop in before I leave to say goodbye," I told her.

The hurt in her eyes was evident as she got in her car and drove away.

-------

The walk back to the site was the lonliest I ever had taken.

Always before, in the darkest parts of my life, there was a light. A hope that one day I would find Maria again, and she would love me as much as I did her.

Now, that hope was gone.

As I thought, absentmindedly, I traced my fingers around the necklace I had worn for the better part of 14 years, the engagement ring of Maria's grandmother. The ring I hoped to one day give to her as a testament of my love for her.

I knew, the next time I saw her, I would have to give it back, but not with the sentiment I wanted.

Time seemed to slip away as I walked and thought. In no time, I was back at our campsite, silent because everyone but me had put in a arduous day of work and now slept easily.

I knew that I would have no such luck tonight, nor did I envision rest coming easily for a while.

I pulled my sleeping bag out of the tent, so my tossing wouldn't wake the guys, and headed down to the clinic.

I sat, dozing occassionally, until morning.

Maria came to me in my dreams as she always did. But this time, the wedding dress she wore wasn't for me. As she walked to the alter this time, my view wasn't watching her come toward me, but rather it was her walking away from me.

I knew I probably should stop her, just like I knew I should go to her, this very minute, and tell her I love her. Tell her that I couldn't bear the thought of living without her.

But, in my dream as in real life, I didn't.

I made up my mind to let her go. To let her be happy. Even if it meant I couldn't be a part of her life.

-------

I felt the others walking toward me before I heard them and instantly was awake. Sam saw me and came over.

"Long night last night, huh," he said, with his best shit-eating grin.

"The longest I've ever had, Sam," I told him without humor.

Over coffee, I filled him in what happened and asked him to make sure there was something for me to do during the afternoons, at least for a few days.

Sam, in his wise way, looked at me like I was an idiot.

"You know, when I first heard of this idea of yours to build hospitals in countries most haven't heard of, I thought it was stupid," he said.

I was stunned and more than a little angry. Sam had always been my biggest supporter, finding good in even my dumbest ideas. I started to say something, but he stopped me.

"Now, just let me finish before you get all pissy on me," he continued. "It sounded pretty good in principle, but I didn't think you could pull it off. Hell, I figured after the first one, you'd give up.

"But, you didn't. And what I thought was a stupid idea turned out to be a great one. The only reason we are still doing this is because you wouldn't give up. If someone told you it couldn't be done, you found a way to do it. If someone said it costs too much, you found a way to do it better, cheaper.

"Up til now, this has been the most important thing you've ever done. But, goddamn it boy, it ain't anymore. You lived your whole fuckin' life for yesterday. You always looked ahead, but you kept looking back.

"Guess what, yesterday's gone. It ain't coming back, now matter how much you want it to. But tomorrow, tomorrow is another story. I've never told you how to live your life. I thought you were a fool for waiting, hoping to find your Maria. I didn't say anything, but I thought it. I thought that until I saw her and you together. But, I will tell you something, if you don't put yesterday aside and look at tomorrow, then not only are you a fool, you're a damned fool."

My lack of sleep and general morning disposition got the better of me, and I spoke before I thought.

"Sam, what in the fuck are you talking about," I asked. "Today, tomorrow, yesterday, fools, damned fools. Is the heat getting to you?

"You're right, Sam. Yesterday has played too big a part in my life. But tomorrow don't look too fuckin' sunny from where I sit either. Just make sure I have stuff to do in the afternoons and remember who signs your fuckin' paychecks."

Sam, never one to lose his temper, just smiled at me.

"Boy, you hear, but you don't listen," he said. "Tomorrow is what YOU make of it. You pissed away 15 years waiting to find her. Now you found her and you're just gonna walk away. That's not the man I know. That's not how the son I never wanted handles things. Think about that for a while. I'll find stuff for you to do in the afternoons as long as you want me too.
 
"And, just so you know, Gwen signs my paycheck, thank you," he added with a grin.

True to her word, Maria called Sam's phone a little before 10 a.m. And true to his, he told her I was tied up for the afternoon.

Sam said he'd find things to keep me occupied, little did I know he would make me pay for my stupidity by making sure I spent the hottest part of the day in the sun.

That afternoon, I thought I was going to drop, carrying wheelbarrows full of fill dirt from where we found it to where we needed it. But, at least when I finished, I was so exhausted, I slept like a baby for two hours until it was time to start the evening work.

By nightfall, I was too tired to even eat and, like a repentant child, went to bed without my supper.

The next day, Maria called again, but Sam covered, saying I had to go to the city about an hour and a half away to get supplies.

As I returned from trip, I was surprised to see a car at the job site and Sam standing there talking to someone. At least the car wasn't the one Maria had driven the first day.
Even from 50 yards away, I could tell by the sunlight off her auburn hair, that Miranda decided to pay a visit.

Sam walked over as I got out of the beat-up truck we were using.

"Do you have a harem now, Josh. Or should I call you R.J.?" he asked, jokingly. "Is a new girl going to show up every couple of days looking for you?"

"I'm glad one of us finds this funny," I replied. "What is she doing here?"

Sam told me Miranda has arrived about 20 minutes after I left and steadfastly refused to leave until I got back.

"She already made me promise to give you a little more time off tomorrow, Josh," he said. "I think you should count yourself lucky she didn't chase you to Belize City."

As Sam and I carried the last of the supplies to the tent, Miranda fell is step beside me.

When I finished putting the materials away, she cocked her head to the side like she always did.

"Well, aren't you even gonna hug me, you big goof?" she teased.

I gave Miranda a soft hug and a small kiss on the cheek.

"It's good to see you," I lied. Well, it was good to see her, I just wished it was under different circumstances.

"Maria said you'd changed, but I didn't think she meant that much," she said, looking me up and down. "Hard work looks like it agrees with you. She even said you changed your name."

I smiled a little. "I didn't really change my name," I said. "I just went to a little less pretentious one."

"So, took the stick out of your ass, huh?" Yep, same old Miranda.

"I guess. Look, I need to rest a little before I have to go back to work," I told her. "I'm sorry, but we have a pretty thin timeframe to get this completed and stocked."

"I know, I already talked it over with Sam," she informed me. "I know you have a lot of things to do, but I convinced him he could do without you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 2 o'clock."

"Miranda, I can't do this to the other guys," I said. "It isn't fair for them to have to cover for me while I go out with beautiful women."

"I know that too," she replied. "I already talked to them about it and gave them a short version of how long it's been since we've seen each other. They understand, R.J. Sorry, Josh. Maria's right, that is going to take some getting used to. See you tomorrow. Remember, 2 o'clock. And do you have anything nicer than what you're wearing? We're going back to Belize City for dinner."

I looked down at the dirt-covered blue jeans and work boots.

"No, Miranda. This is pretty much all I brought. I wasn't exactly planning on a social tour."

"No problem, that just means we have to shop a little first. Try to clean yourself up a little before I get here," she said, grinning.

In fact, Miranda had done exactly what she'd said. As I returned to the campsite, all the guys told me not to worry about taking the time off. In the past, we had covered for each other for a variety of reasons. Like I said, we're almost like a family.

By 1 p.m. the next day, we were well ahead of schedule, so there was no way I could beg off. By 2, I had cleaned myself up as best as possible and was waiting when Miranda pulled in.

______

Same stuff as you always read here. Let me know what you think at cantrell_jay@yahoo.com.