title: Which way?
author: Hotpants
keywords: FF (first), rom

When being asked about my sexual orientation, I normally answer

"I am as straight as a line!"

extending my index finger, and then, kinking it just a little bit, I add

"or maybe like that, 95%"

But the five per cent are actually just a declaration of sympathy, because I think homophobia is quite silly and unnecessary. 

I had tried to flirt with lesbians, just to see what it feels like, but never successfully. They tend to have good antennas and something about me seems to scream: 'Straight!'. I like looking at women with a curvy hourglass figure, in envious admiration. The idea of touching a lot of soft tissue, however, like big breasts, rather appals me. Petite women make me feel like an elephant or like I might break them. Butch women, on the other hand, seem rather pointless to me - like blokes, but without a penis. 

So, what was it about my friend Lara, then? 

I know Lara since she was 13 and I was 17. She was a wild one, at the time, and she still is. She has thick, long and curly mahogany hair, piercing green eyes, high cheek bones and a surprisingly feminine heart shaped mouth, with naturally pink lips. Surprisingly, because it contrasts with her indomitable character and her preference for hard physical work. From her features alone, she would have been very pretty, but what made her truly beautiful, was the spark in her eye. 'I am trouble' it said, and it drove men crazy. 

We had always admired in each other what we missed in ourselves: I admired her independence, her lack of restraint, her savagery. She admired my will power, my discipline, my dedication. Since I had moved away, we saw each other rarely, just two, three times a year. But it was as if the distance drove something out that had always silently been there. Meeting Lara for a coffee strangely felt like meeting up with an ex - there was a latent sexual tension in the air that went unnamed. 

Lara is tall and sporty, just a tick smaller than myself. Our bodies are rather alike, in many ways, even if her bones are not quite as long, thin and elve-like as mine. Still, Lara is a very elegant appearance, slender, with a slim waist and wide hips. Her body is more muscly and probably firmer than mine. She has large hands that are chronically disfigured: broken fingernails, cuts and paint stains from her work. 

When Lara was 19, she had tried to enter a career in photography. She had acquired a beautiful old SLR, a Leika. She told me she wanted to take my pictures. She commented on the striking symmetry of my face. The day we took the shots, I was barely surprised when she asked me to undress. I had a beautiful and youthful body at the time, I could have earned some money modelling, had I not already been into my 'real' work so much.

Lara's cheeks were flushed and she avoided looking me in the eyes when she told me where to move, how to sit, how to look. I felt air caress my naked skin when I moved, implementing her orders, Lara's schooled eyes on my body, her nervous gestures and her clearing her throat when giving me instructions. It was erotic in a subtle way. She shot sevaral films worth of nude photographs of me. Fortunately, the fact that I was wet does not show in the pictures, but the hardness of my nipples does. 

When she told me she was done and I should get dressed, I was a little disappointed. Out of all the people in the world, was it possible that Lara got scared of her own feelings and chickened out? 

I thought about my homoerotic arousal when I drove home. Desiring Lara felt natural and fully in line with myself. It was a mixture of admiring her savage and fragile beauty and being attracted to her near masculine strength in both physique and personality. Maybe I was even a bit narcistically in love with what I recognised of myself in her, and also with the now confirmed suspition that this adorable creature fancied me, too.

------

That was six years ago. Yesterday, Lara had called in tears, she needed a place to stay. I had not heard from her in months, but last time we spoke she had been living in Düsseldorf with her boyfriend. 

Unsurprisingly, Lara had commitment problems. Most of the time, she saught out casual love affairs with similar minded partners, or, to my disapproval, she maintained relations with married men. She swore that it was less complicated, and I suppose she was right. Every four years approximately, however, Lara would proclaim she had found the love of her life, and these relationships tended to last up to a year. She was now in her third cycle of this pattern, her boyfriend was her dad's squash buddy, 48 years old, a dentist, a yuppie and not in the least suitable for her. They had been seeing each other for maybe 15 months, so break-up was overdue. 

When Lara arrived a couple of hours ago, she looked like a mongrel, abandoned, helpless, maltreated. I sent her to take a hot shower and I cooked a strong meal, mashed potatoes, bangers, spinach, eggs, gravy. We ate, I did not make her talk, and she seemed grateful about it. Now, she was asleep, wrapped in a downfeather duvet on my sofa-bed. I paused clearing the table, to look at her delicate features, in peace, looking unusually vulnerable.

Over the next days, she stayed at home when I went to work. She read, slept, watched TV. She knows me, knows I am hard-working, had been prepared, but it was obvious, she needed more attention, someone to talk to, someone to distract her from her emotional turmoil. I, for my part, tried not to be my anal self, not to think about the extra expenses and hastle she caused me, tried not to get annoyed that it never occurred to her to use the free time at her hands to help me out with the housework and forced myself to go home early despite approaching deadlines, so we could spend the evenings chatting, laughing, analysing her emotions and debating our ideas and visions. Two times, we went out for a drink with my friends.

On friday, we had actually intended to go clubbing, but after dinner Lara felt tired, and I was more than happy to stay in and watch a movie on my laptop. We started with 'Atomised', which I had in the English translation, and I could not help feeling that German cinema has a long way to go if the same four actors were cast for every single film produced. Then we watched some film in which Nicole Kidman interprets for the UN and accidentally uncovers a dirty conspiracy, I cannot remember, I fell asleep half way through. 

I woke up, Lara's head against my shoulder. We were sitting on the sofa that would have to be transformed into her bed again, which felt like a lot of action. She looked at me 

"We have to move my bed back!"

I mumbled something, but did not move. Neither did she. We fell asleep again. 

I woke up again and it must have been the middle of the night. I could just have moved over to my bed, but I preferred to find a more comfortable position on the sofa. Lara woke up to. There was not a lot of space on the sofa, so we ended up lying next to each other, tight like sardines in a tin. We were spooning, me behind her. She said

"I can feel your heart beat."

I went back to slumber, but stayed half awake, because my heart really beat at quite a high rate. 

Some time later, Lara said

"I can hear you breathing."

She turned around, so we lay face to face. I slid down a little bit wih my head just above her breasts, so she could not hear my breathing or feel my heart beat. I was embarrassed. In this position, I could feel her heart beat. Was it not rather fast as well? And why were we lying tight like this anyway, with my bed just across the room? I fell half-asleep again. 

We must have lain like this for at least two hours, before Lara put her arms around me. I snuggled up to her, pretending to go back to sleep. Some five minutes later, she started stroking my shoulder blade, very carefully. I did not react at all. She went on, and I extended my neck a little bit, bringing my face closer to hers.  I was breathing against her neck like this. She bent her head down a little bit and was breathing into my hair. She gave me a peck onto the top of my head, and I gave her a peck on her neck, below the ear, and put my arm around her. We stayed like this for a long time. 

I moved back up, almost level, just to find a more comfortable positions, initially, but then I found myself kissing her chin from below. I wrapped my leg around her. She pulled her chin in and our lips met for the first time. Soft lips. I slid all the way up to her, so we were level. I kissed her again, properly, this time and started stroking her healthy thick curly hair. Both our lips were slightly parted. It was very weird to feel our breasts touching, normally, my breasts would press up against a flat square chest at that stage. We kissed.

Lara's hand ventured down to the side of my ribcage and stroked me there. My kisses became more demanding and she gave way and opened her mouth. She tasted sweet, nice, but not particularly different. I had not been snogging in months, so I just enjoyed the sensation. 

We parted from our kiss and I opened my eyes. She was looking at me with her piercing green eyes, that were so familiar, but so much closer than I was used to. From my ribcage, her hand moved down to my breast, stroking it with the back of her fingers. She still looked at me, and the expression on my face told her how much I liked feeling her hand there. She started running her hand across both my breasts, from one to the other. I smiled at her in delight, and touched her lips with my fingertips. Her lips parted and I leaned in to kiss her again. 

Her hand soon found its way down my back and she started stroking my bum and the back of my thigh that was wrapped around her. She was clearly more courageous than I was. I ran my fingertips down her neck and over her breast. She was not wearing a bra, so I could feel her hard nipple against my fingertips through the fabric of her vintage top. My fingers travelled down, back up again, and then, on the way up, they stopped for my hand to cup her breast.

"You've never done this before, have you?"

she asked. I looked into her eyes, took her nipple between forefinger and thumb, and, pinching it gently, I replied

"No."

and started to pull up her top. 

She closed her eyes, sighed and smiled. I revealed her belly, then her breasts, then I pulled her top up over her head and it was gone. I looked at her, lying there, beautiful and bare chested, slid my hand across her belly, her breasts. I took one of her breasts into my hand and bent down to take the nipple into my mouth. First, I sucked on it, then i took it between my teeth, not really biting it, but squeezing it with my teeth. Lara squirmed below me. She reached up, and started unbottoning my shirt, I stripped it off and undid my bra. When I was leaning over her, I was bare chested as well. She looked at me and explored the shape of my chest and my breasts with her hands and eyes. She raised her head, and I bent down for her to more easily be able to return the favour and kiss and suck on my breasts and nipples. 

I lay down next to her again and we got back to our embrace, half naked now, bare breast against bare breast. We kissed and caressed each others naked skin, sometimes her hand would move down to my bum and leg, but never anywhere more intimate. 

We had almost calmed down and fallen asleep again, when I said

"Should we not move over to the bed?"

We went over, lay down and reinitiated our petting, with a bit more space between and around us, this time. Enough space, apparantly, for Lara's hands to approach the waistband of my trousers. She undid the button, pulled down the zip and started stroking along and over the line of my knickers, across the area where my pubic hair starts. Nothing more, nothing less. I exhaled noisily. She did not stop. I took one of her breasts in my hand and started stroking it at the same pace as she stroked me down there. Eventually, her hand started diving a bit deeper, and, as it did, mine started squeezing her breast tighter. 

Tension built up, until Lara's hand went down all the way into my trousers to cover my pussy. I moaned, she left her hand there, stroking me. She got up, I saw her naked fit body against the curtain in the twilight, her long hair, and she stripped off my trousers, and then my knickers. I was fully naked. I had to think of that time she had taken my pictures. I leaned forward and unbottoned her trousers, too, pulled them down, she peeled them off. I reached out, intending to touch her bum, or her pussy, maybe pull down her knickers, I do not know, but it felt weird, my hand did not really obey my will, and I ended up stroking down the side of her thighs, in order not to produce an air of awkwardness. 

Lara sneered at me:

"Just relax!"

She forced me down onto my back and went down on me, she kneeled between my legs and inspected my pussy. I spread my legs for her widely, which gained me another sneer. She started off by rubbing my clit. It makes all the difference if its someone who knows what it feels like. She started nice and gently, increasing pressure and varying rhythm at the right moment. I felt a bit bad, just sitting on the receiving end, but I did as I had been told, I relaxed and enjoyed. 

Lara kept rubbing my clit with one hand, and inserted a finger of the other one into my pussy, pulling it slowly out, pushing it slowly back in. I moaned, leaned my head back and put my arms above my head.

"You like that?"

I moaned affirmatively.

"Then watch this."

Lara pulled out her finger, spread my pussy lips and started licking me. She first kissed my clit, sucking on it, let her tongue run along either of its sides. She then licked all across my pussy with the entire breadth of her tongue, several times. It felt ubelievably nice. She went back to licking across and around my clit, and sucking it, and slid her finger back into my pussy, no, two fingers, this time. I spread my legs even wider and moaned, I felt orgasm build up in me. Lara finger fucked me with one hand, licked my clitoris and stroked my belly with her other hand. The best thing was that she had patience with me, she did not try to push me over the edge, she just went on licking and fingering for what felt like an eternity. I could try and hold back as long as I wanted, surfing on that wave that built up in me, engaging by moving my hips in small gyrating movements, and stroking and squeezing my own breasts.

"This is so nice!"

it slipped me. Eventually I came, moaning, happy. My orgasm passed way too quickly.

When I calmed down Lara moved back up, and I kissed my own juices from her mouth. My hands ventured down and started stroking around the area of her pussy and across her inner thighs, too. It was partially curiousity, partially the wish to give Lara some of this back that led my hand. She got excited very quickly. I put my finger down her knickers. That part was easy, it was just like with myself, only that my wrist was spun by 180°. I stimulated her clit for a long time, kissing her, stroking her with my other, until i realised she approached climax. Then I went down and pulled down her knickers. 

It was just such a bizarre sight, a soaking wet pussy from this angle. 'All or nothing' I thought, so I leaned forward and extended my tongue, running it across her inner thighs, down towards her pussy, and back up. Then I dipped my tongue into the slimey wet hot crotch, licking all the way along it, and across her clit. It is just so hard to find words for tastes, and this is particularly true for bodily fluids. They just taste unlike anything else. I know my own taste, of course, but Lara's taste was different. After I had taken antibiotis once, I had tasted a bit like that. Probably it was something to do with the composition of bacteria living down there?

Such were the thoughts that crossed my mind as I had my head between Lara's legs, trying to pleasure her. The truth was, I just couldn't do it, I was not getting into it. She seemed to sense that

"Let go, you don't have to do it!"

I backed off. Lara looked at me, traces of disappointment in her eyes, and covered herself up. I got up and kneeled down next to the bed, pulling out a box from under it.

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Prepare to meet the business woman's best friend!"

I produced my vibrator from the box, and a tube of lube. The corners of her mouth twitched, and then she laughed. Lara's laughter is so natural and free from pretention, it is very infectuous. I was not sure whether she laughed with me, in surprise and anticiplation, or at me because I had to regress to electric toys in order to find sexual satisfaction, despite my rather stunning looks. Either way, I joined in her laughter.

"Alright then!"

she said, came forward to the edge of the bed and spread her legs. Once again, I found myself face to face with her gaping pussy. I smiled at her, stroking across her legs and belly, and across her slit. I put some lube over the tip of the vibrator, switched it on and held it against her clitoris, for her to relax and get back into the mood. She did so very quickly, it is a very well designed device, I know that. I used my other hand to stroke her everywhere I could reach. I then took a larger amount of lube, I lubed her pussy well. I actually rather enjoyed working every fold of her genitals and the inside of her pussy with my fingers, now that i did not feel under pressure to perform. She did not shave at all, not even on the sides, but her pubic haír was naturally quite sparse and soft. 

I moved the vibrator up and down her crotch, observing how she enjoyed herself visibly and audibly. I then slid it in, inch by inch, and rubbed her clit with my other hand. It did actually look quite hot, seeing my vibrator disappear into her tunnel. I slid it in and out slowly, at first, but then increasing frequency and thrust. Soon, I was fucking her hard and fast with my electric toy, and she gasped and moved her hips along with my rhythm. I went on at a steady pace. I felt weirdly detached - after all, I was just doing manual labour. I could see her body work, her breasts moved backwards and forwards with her movement that matched the pumping of the plastic penis, she started to sweat. I felt strangely excited about how this strongheaded woman was at my mercy, about my power to make her beautiful strong and slender body squirm. 

She cried out when she came and moved her pretty face, her mahogany curls, to the left, then to the right, into the cussion, arching her back. I came back up into the bed and embraced her. I kissed her lips. We cuddled up, and soon fell asleep. 

In the morning, I went out to get croissants for breakfast. We held each other by the hand, during breakfast, and we kissed in the doorframe before I went out. I had to go to the office and work a little bit. When she turned around and walked back in, I let my hand slide down her back and across her bum. A rather 'macho' gesture, if I think about it now.

At work, I found it hard to concentrate. It had been awesome, but was it really meant to be continued? Would she sleep in my bed from now on? Would we become lovers, girlfriends? Or would we just pretend nothing had happened? It had been so nice to feel her skin, the human touch. I had been in celibate for too long. I forced myself to finish the highest priority items on my list, but left the office already before three in the afternoon. 

I should have known her better than that. She was gone when I came home. All the potential of things getting complicated between us now, adding up to her already fucked up state of mind. She had not left a note or anything, but I was sure she was fine, maybe she was with another friend, maybe she was back with her 48 year old obnoxious boyfriend. I moved the sofa back against the wall and changed the sheets on my bed, not without breathing in her scent once more, before putting them into the washing machine. I took my vibrator to the bathroom, washed it, dried it and put it back in its box. I let myself fall back onto my bed, into the fresh sheets. Absent-mindedly, I played with my breasts. At least, now I know what the kink in my index-finger and the five per cent talk are all about.