THE MEASURE OF MAN

An Epic by Gil Gamesh

Chapter Forty-Nine


As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day, dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water, cherish the little child that holds your hand, and make your wife happy in your embrace; for this too is the measure of man.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Kieran Stuart, 43; Kerry Stuart, 12 ½; Kenjiro Daniels, 15

TELLING THE STORY
Kerry Stuart

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(KERRY)

I heard something somewhere in the house so I sat up and looked at the clock radio on my desk. The luminous dial made a good night-light and it showed the time clearly if I could just manage to open my eyes. Damn, I felt like crap after not sleeping well for a whole week.

It had to be Dad. It was five forty-five and just barely light outside. I knew he was going for a Saturday-morning run. I knew his routine. If he was going running, he’d come down the hall and use the bathroom next to my bedroom. I’d hear him pissing if I was awake. I usually wasn’t so it never bothered me. Then he’d go in the family room where he’d left his running outfit.

It was him. I didn’t even hear the door to the bathroom open but I heard him peeing. We always kept a night-light in the bathroom so I could see where to piss if I got up during the night. I couldn’t stand to turn the lights on because it hurt my eyes if it went from dark to light all of a sudden.

I slid out of bed and opened the bathroom door. Dad was standing there in the semi-dark, with his pajamas half way down his legs and his butt turned toward me. He heard me and turned his head.

“Good morning, Kerry,” he said, “Did I wake you up?”

“Naahh, Dad, I couldn’t sleep. Had a lousy night again.”

“What’s the matter? Are you sick?”

“No, I’m OK. Just couldn’t sleep. I need to pee.”

He milked his dick down a couple of times, shook it, pushed his foreskin back over the head, just like I do, and then pulled his pajama bottoms back up. He moved out of the way and leaned back against the sink.

I pulled my thermals down and tucked them under my balls with my left hand, held my dick with my right, slid my foreskin back, and grunted until I started pissing. Dad was still leaning against the sink, watching me. I didn’t know what I wanted, except I wanted to talk to him. I squeezed the last drops out, shook my dick good, pushed my foreskin down until I had a little elephant trunk again, and tucked it back in my underwear. I looked at Dad and he was standing there grinning so I grinned back at him. I flushed and stood there a minute just thinking. Dad was waiting. I wanted to say something but I didn’t know what to say.

“Anything you want to talk to me about, Son?” he asked.

“Maybe. You going for a run?”

“Yeah. Do you want to go?”

“Yeah. Which way are you going?

“Up the street to the crest, then all the way to Old Church Road intersection. Three miles there and back.”

“Yeah, that’s a good run. I like it. Could we just walk until we get up on top of the hill? I don’t like to have to run uphill when I get started.”

“I don’t either, Son. I usually walk and stretch going up the hill and then start running when it levels out.”

“Is it cold out?”

“Not bad. I checked. The temperature on the deck is almost fifty. You should be OK in your light running suit. Come on in the family room when you’re ready. We’ll go out the deck door so we don’t wake anybody up.”

We stretched and warmed up as we went up the hill to the spot we called the crest. It was pretty much the top of the hill for a while and nobody could build on it because there were no good lots, just piles of boulders. Somebody had put a picnic table there and people liked to go there because there was a beautiful view of the city on one side and the river and country on the other.

We started running easy at the crest. Dad settled down into the kind of pace I like, the kind where I can put everything on automatic and my body just does it without me having to think about it. He tried to explain it to me once as a Zen experience but I didn’t understand much about what he was saying. Anyway, we didn’t talk all the way to Old Church Road and then we just turned around and came back the same way. It felt good now that I could keep up with him.

When we got back to the crest, Dad stopped and walked off the road to the side where the boulders were biggest. We just stood there for a while until our breathing got back down to normal. The sky was almost all blue now and the sun was just peeking over the ridge to the east of us.

“What did you want to talk about, Son?” Dad asked.

I looked at him. He was smiling at me like he does most of the time. I didn’t want to say anything that would knock that smile off. I tried but it just wouldn’t come out. Finally I decided I had to say it. I’d always talked to him about everything. Maybe he wouldn’t hate me.

“Dad, what would you do if I told you I was gay, if I said I was a queer?” I asked.

He kept looking at me and the smile disappeared but he didn’t look mad, maybe just puzzled. My heart was trying to beat out of my chest and I guess I was about to start crying again like last night. Just like a damned kid, can’t handle it.

Then the smile came back and he opened his arms wide, like he does when he wants to hug me. I let out my breath. He took a couple of steps over to me and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up against him. He put one hand behind my head and pulled it up against his shoulder. When he does that, I usually turn my face so it’s below his, sort of looking into his chest. This time I couldn’t do that; I turned so I was looking away from him. He held me for a while and then kissed me on the back of my head.

“I love you, Son,” he said. “I’ve loved you since you were born, maybe even before. I’ll love you ‘til the day I die. Nothing can change that, nothing can ever change that.”

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed. I guess that was what I wanted to hear. He kept rubbing my neck and the back of my head and kissing me in my hair. He held on to me and I held on to him for a while until I heard a car coming up the hill. Guess they really would think I was a queer if they saw two men hugging each other. I pushed away from him but I didn’t really want to.

“Come on,” Dad said, “let’s walk the rest of the way home.”

“OK. Dad, I don’t …”

“It’s OK, Kerry,” he said, cutting me off. “We don’t need to talk about it right now. Just know you’re OK with me. Quit worrying. We’ll talk later today. We’ll figure out how to straighten things out for you.”

I let my breath out again. That was what I needed, somebody to help me figure it out. I took another deep breath and let it out. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t make the words come out.

Dad put his hand on my shoulder and I looked at his face. He was smiling again. He winked at me. I couldn’t help it. I smiled back at him. He pulled me against him again, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, then pushed me away, and started down the hill toward home.

“Don’t ever think I’ll stop loving you, Son. You just quit worrying now and we’ll go somewhere this afternoon so we can talk, just us men.”

Mom was up and in the kitchen when we got home. She had on the old robe she always wore when it was just family. I could tell she’d brushed her hair a little but it was still wild. She was still so damned beautiful. 

I went back to bed after breakfast and slept for a couple of more hours. After lunch, Dad told me to put on some old jeans and a sweatshirt. He said for me to wear sneakers but to bring my oldest boots or shoes. He wanted to go to the Freeloft Center and check on some of the construction going on for Andersen Security and we might walk where it was muddy. 

Dad took us in his new Mercedes. It was really something. The first time I saw it, I couldn’t believe they made cars like that. He said it was an E75 AMG and it was the quickest production sedan in Mercedes history. I said I bet it cost a mint and he just smiled and didn’t say anything. I loved sitting up front with him, looking at all that black leather and brushed metal and trying to figure out what all the controls did. He’d already showed me some of the things that had been done to it and some of the special equipment that had been installed. I watched everything he did when driving, just like I always do when I get to sit up front. It didn’t look all that hard. I guess he knew I was watching him.

The road leading into the Freeloft Center had been paved now and there was a barred gate just off the highway. I’d been there a few times and I knew you had either to push a call button or to put in a card or punch in a code. But Dad didn’t do anything. He just stopped for a second, said his name, and the gate lifted. Dad drove in like we were going to Lauren’s house and then turned off on a new road and went down into the flat area near the river. I hadn’t seen what they’d done in that area before. It looked like they’d made a big racetrack or something except that the road was twisted up worse than a pretzel. Dad stopped the car in a parking space.

“Get out,” he said, and he got out too. When he came around on my side, I didn’t know what he wanted.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“Get behind the wheel, Son,” he said.

I looked at him like he was nuts. He was smiling at me.

“Get behind the wheel. I want you to drive it.”

“Shit, Dad, I can’t drive your car. You don’t like anybody else driving your car.”

“Kerry, I just said - I want you to drive it. Now get behind the wheel.”

I did what he told me but I was scared to death. I’d never driven a car before. I always watched other people drive when I could so I could understand what they were doing. I guess I knew how it was done but I’d never done it by myself.

Dad made me adjust the seat first. My arms and legs are already so long it didn’t take much. I put on the seatbelt without being told. I looked at him again and all he did was nod.

I took a deep breath and swallowed. Since the car was already warm, I knew it would start easily. I put my right foot on the brake and started the car. I heard it start but then I didn’t hear anything. I was about to reach down and start it again.

“Don’t. It’s running. You just can’t hear it. Fooled me for a while.”

It really wasn’t hard to drive it. Dad told me where to go on the track and I did it OK. I didn’t hit any of the yellow cones and I stayed within the lines. It was fun but I was glad when he told me to go back to the parking lot and stop.

“What is that place?” I asked.

“It’s a training area. It’s where we teach our guys good driving skills, how to control the car under bad conditions, and how to defend themselves against bad guys.”

“You mean somebody shoots at them?”

Dad grinned at me. “Well, not yet. We’ve got a bunch of training courses planned. We haven’t got to that one yet.”

“Damn, I’m glad nobody shot at me.”

“Do you want to drive it to my office?”

I knew what he was doing. Maybe I was a kid but I wasn’t a dumb one.

“You’re saying you trust me, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s exactly right, Son. I trust you. I love you and I trust you.”

I drove real slow going to his office. It was maybe a quarter of a mile from the driving range. Dad showed me where his reserved parking place was, under a covered area. I bumped the curb with the front wheels when I parked but not hard. Dad didn’t say anything.

I hadn’t seen the office complex since it was finished. We’d had the employee picnic in one of the buildings but Dad had been too busy with everybody to show us where he worked.

At the entrance, Dad put his right hand on what looked like a block of marble with a hand carved on top. I saw some lights come on all around his fingers. Then when he went to the door he stopped for a second where there was a black stripe on the sidewalk and the door slid open.

“Do you know what I just did, Son?” Dad asked.

“Yeah, I think so. You’ve got some of that new stuff that knows your handprint and it recognized you. Then when you stopped and lifted your head and opened your eyes wider for a second, I think you were getting scanned again. I couldn’t see anything happening that time. Am I right? Where’s the eye scanner?”

He grinned at me. “You’re right. Someday I’ll let you look for the eye scanner. I don’t think you’re going to find it. But it’s there. Neat, huh?”

“Yeah, neat! Would it have let you in if you’d just said your name?”

“Yeah, it would. We’ve got voice recognition abilities as one of our security measures. That’s going to be one of our big sellers when it comes to personal and home security. We’ve got it working here and so far we haven’t had any problems with it. A lot of our security measures here are redundant but we’re making sure we know how to use them. Do you understand what I mean?”

“Sure, Dad,” I said. “You’ve just got more safeguards than you really need. You’re making sure they all work OK. I love all this neat stuff. Will you let me learn about it?”

“Sure, Son, whenever you’re ready.” 

From the outside, the building looked like a square building with little slits not even a foot wide for windows. When we went inside, I saw the building was really hollow in the middle and all the walls around the uncovered center were glass. Out in the center, I saw three old hardwood trees that looked like they had grown there. There was one area under the trees with a concrete base and a nice patio table and chairs. All around the outside walls, it looked like there were different offices and rooms. There was one desk right in the center of the entryway.

“It’s an atrium,” Dad said. “It lets natural light in and it’s supposed to make everybody feel better. I don’t know whether it really works or not but everybody seems to like it.”

“Where’s your office?” I asked.

“It’s right over there.” He pointed to a door to the right. “But I’ve got something I want to do first. Come on.”

He led me into a small office and I saw there was a desk on one side with a computer monitor and a keyboard on it. Near the desk, there was a place where I guessed people got scanned or something. It had another hand scanner and a place marked on the floor to stand and a bunch of stuff on the wall directly in front. I walked over to it and Dad let me look at it for a minute or so. 

“Put your toes on the black line and your hand on the scanner and stand still,” he said. I did and he did something on the keyboard and the monitor came to life. I watched him to see what he was doing.

“Now look straight ahead, Son, at the green light and do what you’re told.” I looked back in front of me and there was a green light there now.

“My name is Hal. Would you say your name please?” A disembodied voice spoke from somewhere and I jumped. “Kerry,” I said.

“Say your full name, please, Kerry, slowly and distinctly,” the voice said.

“Kerry Lee Stuart,” I said.

“Thank you, Kerry. That didn’t hurt, did it?”

“No, Hal, it didn’t,” I said and then realized I was talking to a machine.

“Good,” the voice said, “now Kerry, when the green light blinks, look directly at it and try not to smile.”

I tried but I couldn’t help myself. I smiled.

“That won’t do, Kerry. Take two deep breaths and don’t smile.”

I did what the machine told me. The green light brightened and then went out.

“That’s very good, Kerry,” the machine said. “I’ve got all the information I need for now. Please come to talk to me again sometime. I like you.”

I turned and looked at Dad. He had a big grin all over his face.

“Stuart helped set it up. It’s got his sense of humor.”

“I like you too, Hal,” I said.

I followed Dad out of the room. I couldn’t help but think about what we’d done. Talking to Hal. Giving him information about me. I knew I had to learn how all of that was done.

“I gave you level-one clearance, Kerry. It’ll let you in some of the buildings here and you can use the phones and the bathrooms. Just don’t get too fast and try to walk through a door that doesn’t open for you.”

“What level do you have, Dad?” I asked. “Will you really let me learn how all this stuff works?”

“Level five. I’m one of four at that level. And I’ll explain all this stuff to you someday when we have some time.”

“Thanks, I’d like that. Can I really talk to Hal? Is that artificial intelligence?”

“Yeah, but he’s not as smart as Hal in the movie. He learns from you but he’s not that heuristic. We tried to make him sound smarter than he really is. It’s not anything like that movie.”

“What sort of information did he get about me?”

“Lots. He’ll recognize your voice in the future, even if it changes. He recorded certain points on your face and head and he’ll recognize you from now on. He did a retina scan and a fingerprint scan. He even recorded how long your dick is.”

I looked at Dad. I guess he knew I didn’t believe him on that last one. But I did believe him on all the others. Boy, it was really neat!

“Yeah, sure he did. Let me get a hard-on and he can record it again.”

Dad led me into an office and I knew right away it was his. There was a picture of Mom on one shelf and another of me and Kavan and Arial right beside it. I stood and looked all around. Dad had an L-shaped desk with a computer monitor and keyboard and mouse at the crook of the L. The desk was more like a table, with nothing underneath. I stooped and looked but I couldn’t see any wires underneath - nothing that looked like computer stuff. I liked that.

“Go ahead. Sit behind the desk,” Dad said and I did. He had a nice leather swivel chair with a high back. I liked that too.

“Hal, are you listening?” Dad asked.

“Yes, Kieran, I’m listening.”

“Good. Hal, would you please make my office secure?”

The door to the office silently closed and then I heard a little click. At the same time, the light changed a little and I looked at the narrow window. It had been an ordinary window and I could see outside; now it looked like frosted glass and I couldn’t see through it.

“Kieran, your office is secure.”

“Thank you, Hal.”

“Do you really have to say please and thank you to it, Dad?” I asked.

“Of course, Kerry. It always pays to be polite. And he’s not an ‘it’. He’s a man.”

He was smiling at me and I could tell he was kidding. At least, I guess he was. I’d seen so much I didn’t understand that I wasn’t sure. He sat down in one of the chairs in front of the desk.

“So he closed the door for you and clouded up your window. How does that make your office secure?”

“Good question, Son,” he said. “What you saw is maybe one or two percent of what was done. The most important part you don’t see. Anyway, the office is secure, Kerry. That means no one can ever know what we talk about in here. There’ll be no record of it.”

I thought about what he’d said for a minute. Something kept nagging me and I finally thought of what it was.

“Suppose you want Hal to make a record of what goes on in your office. Can he do that? How do you get him to do it?”

“If I want him to he can record everything he sees and everything he hears. I can tell him to do it a number of ways. The simplest way is for me to say one key word.”

“But you didn’t say it?”

“No.”

“I guess you want me to tell you about what’s bothering me,” I said.

“No, I want to tell you about some things I’ve done.”

“What?”

 I really didn’t know what he could be talking about.

“About me having sex with guys. I want to tell you about it.”

I looked at him and tried to think of something to say. I couldn’t.

“I’m going to tell you about something I did with Paul Andersen. Maybe with some other guys too. I want your word you’ll never tell anyone else what I tell you.”

“You’ve got it.” I thought for a minute. “Does Mom know?”

He smiled. “Yes, she knows. I told her years ago.”

“And she doesn’t care?”

“Kerry, she’s the one who got me to do stuff with one guy.”

I couldn’t believe him. “Shit! You’re not gay, Dad.”

“I don’t think I am either, Son. I’ve never felt that way. Now I’m going to tell you about Paul and then you’re going to tell me about Kenjiro. OK?”

I suppose he was guessing but he probably knew he was right when I didn’t do anything but nod my head.

He told me about what he’d done with Paul and Lauren Andersen at the cabin when he was fifteen. He gave me a good description of everything:  how he fucked Lauren once and then Paul fucked her and then he fucked her again while he sucked Paul’s dick at the same time. When he told me Paul came in his mouth and he swallowed it, I guess he saw on my face I found that hard to believe. He stopped and waited for a minute.

“It’s true, Kerry,” he said. “Every word of it’s true.”

We just sat there for a few minutes and looked at each other.

“And Mom knows about it and she loves you anyway?”

“She didn’t know it when we married. I told her a few years later. I think it was when you were a baby, maybe one or two years old.”

“And she still loves you?”

“Yes. She didn’t quit loving me when she found out about it.”

I knew what he was saying. “You’re saying you’re not going to quit loving me if I tell you about what I’ve been doing with Kenjiro, aren’t you.”

“Yes.”

So I told him. I told him everything. After I got started, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t mind telling him about Kenjiro coming in my mouth. When I got to the part about him fucking me in the ass, I slowed down a little. But I took a couple of deep breaths and told him about that too.

“So now you’re worried about what you’ve done, aren’t you? You think that it’s wrong and that other guys don’t do stuff like that and maybe you’re going to be a queer if you like it too much. Is that it?”

I guess he understood what was bothering me. I didn’t know what to think about what I’d done. It just seemed like I didn’t know what to do. I took a deep breath and let it out.

‘Yeah, Dad. I’ve fucked up and I don’t know what to do. It was after Kenjiro fucked me in the ass. I kind of liked it but right afterwards I started wishing I’d never done it with him. It seems that’s all I can think about. I just wish I could back up and erase all of it so I wouldn’t have to live with it.”

“Would you like to hear what I did with David?” he asked.

“Huh? David who?”

He told me. He told me about what he’d done with his friend, David, when he was in college: how David fucked him in the ass from behind and then how he sat on David’s cock at the same time that David sucked his dick until he came in his mouth and how David got mad and hit him and made his nose bleed and how they rolled on the floor laughing at it. It was almost too much. I tried to picture what they were doing but I just couldn’t fit it all together.

Then I began to wonder. Maybe he was just making it up. Maybe he was just telling something he’d done that was worse than what I’d done so I’d quit feeling so bad about it.

“Are you making this up?” I asked.

He looked at me for a minute with a smile on his face.

“No, Son, I’m telling you the truth. Every bit of it’s true. Why? Don’t you think men can do things like that and enjoy it?”

I didn’t know what to think. I had been wanting to talk to somebody about what I’d done because I thought it was so bad and here he was telling me he had done stuff just as bad, if not worse.

 “Did you ever do it again?” I asked.

“What?”

“You know. Let somebody screw you in the ass?”

“No, I never have.” He smiled at me again.

“Why not? Didn’t you like it?”

“I guess so. I suppose I was curious. I liked David. I don’t think he was any more gay than I was. I went to his wedding a year or so later. Last I heard, he’s still married and got kids. He’s just an ordinary old married man now.”

“Did you have a girl friend when you were in college?”

“Not when I fooled around with David. That was during my freshman year. I met Susan during my sophomore year. We had a pretty hot love affair for part of the year.”

“Does Mom know about her too?”

“Yes, Son, she does. I’m not afraid to tell her about anything I’ve done. I know she won’t quit loving me if I do.”

I knew what he was saying – that I didn’t have to be afraid of telling him about what I had done with Kenjiro and he wasn’t going to stop loving me. I guess I finally believed it. I guess that’s what I needed to know. Then I remembered something else he had said.

“Who did Mom talk you into doing something with? Did you and some other guy do something with Mom? Why did she want you to do something with another guy?”

He told me about the weekend at the cabin with Luke and Rachael. He told me we’d all gone there in the spring after Luke came to live with us in the fall. He told me what he and Mom had done with them. Kavan and Arial had told me some of it but they didn’t know about all the stuff they had done. I didn’t even remember it but I didn’t remember much from when I was three. I tried to picture Dad sucking Luke’s cock and then fucking Rachael but I couldn’t. I tried to picture Mom doing stuff with Luke and Rachael both but that was even harder to imagine.

I looked at Dad and he was just sitting there with a half-smile on his face. I guess he was waiting for me to believe that he was telling me the truth again. I sat looking around the room and thinking about it all for a while. I looked at Dad and he was still waiting. I knew it didn’t matter to me. I loved him just as much as always, maybe even more now that I knew so much more about him. I thought about how he had always tried to tell us not to be ashamed of what we did when it came to sex, that’s we would fuck up sometimes, but we would probably get it right when we got older and got married. Like he had done. I looked straight at him.

“Dad, you’ve got my word - I won’t tell anybody about what you’ve told me.”

“Good, Son. Now, let’s talk about the consequences of sex and then figure out what you’re going to do about Kenjiro.”

“You don’t think I should be ashamed about what I’ve done with him?”

“Son, being ashamed doesn’t make things right again. I’ve always told you never to be ashamed of anything you do when it comes to sex. You’ve just got to do some serious thinking about it. I want to talk to you about what can happen when you have unprotected sex, whether it’s with a girl or a guy. Is that OK? Do you feel like you can talk to me about it?”

“Yeah, Dad, I can always talk to you. I know some of that stuff. It was in one of the books you gave me. I guess I just never thought it applied to me.”

“Son, I’m not going to worry about whether you ever have another dick up your ass. I’m just going to worry if you’re dumb enough to let some guy do it without a rubber. You know what AIDS is, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess. But I’m not ever going to let anybody do that again. It just caused me too much of a problem. It’s not worth it.”

“OK, you may think you’ll never do it again but your dick can talk you into lots of things. I’m going to get you a box of condoms and I want you to keep some in your room. Don’t keep one in your billfold. Keep them in a dark dry place.”

I couldn’t help but grin at him when he said that.

“What good will they be if I’m in the back seat of a car with a girl and the rubbers are in my room?”

“Just put one or two in your pocket before you go on a date. Do you need larger ones like Kavan or will regular fit you OK?”

“Shit, Dad, how do I know? I’ve never used one.”

“Well, I’ll get you some regular size ones and you try them out when you jack off. I imagine you’ll need the larger ones in a year or two. My dick was bigger than average by the time I was fourteen.”

We sat and talked about all kinds of sex and about AIDS and STD’s and what people would think about me if I’m gay – social approbation, Dad called it. I liked that word. He told me he didn’t think people were just straight or gay. He talked about how lots of people, men and women both, have some sexual experiences with the same sex at different times in their lives and how he thinks that’s just normal behavior. We talked about all sorts of sex stuff, not so much the fun side, but mostly the bad side. I knew about some of it, but, like I told Dad, I’d never thought it would happen to me.

“Are you ready to talk about Kenjiro?” he finally asked. “You need to decide what you’re doing to do about him.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you know whether he’s gay or not?”

“Shit, Dad, I don’t think he’s gay. I know he’s not. He said he’d never done anything with a guy before. He wouldn’t lie to me. He’s just not that kind of guy. I don’t think he’s gay, no more than me.”

“Kerry, you’re not gay. You’re just a normal kid, doing a little normal experimentation. We all go through the same things.”

“So you think Kenjiro’s probably just a normal kid too?”

“Yeah, I think so. Do you want to keep him for a friend?”

I gave that question a minute or two of thinking.

“Yeah, Dad, I do. I really do. He already thinks some people don’t like him because he’s mixed race. I don’t see why. He’s one of the nicest guys I know, sort of like Brad. He’s smart and just as crazy as me sometimes. I want to be his friend. I enjoy being with him.”

“Then what are you going to do about fooling around with him? Are you going to tell him how you feel about what you’ve already done?”

I thought for a minute or so again.

“Yeah, I’ve got to. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t see what it hurts if we jack off together because I do it all the time and so does he. You’ve always said that’s the most normal thing a young boy does. I don’t know about doing anything else. I just know I’m not going to fuck him again and he sure as hell isn’t going to fuck me.”  

We sat and batted stuff around for a while longer. That’s the way Dad describes it. He kept leading me to think about stuff and then I’d tell him what I thought and then he’d tell me what he thought. I could tell what he was doing - sort of guiding me into deciding what would be right and wrong for me. I guess it made me feel good just to be able to talk to him about it. After a while we sort of ran out of stuff to talk about.

Dad leaned forward in his chair with his elbows on his knees and looked at me. His eyes were sort of squinted and I wondered what he was thinking.

“Kerry,” he said, “do you know we’re all alone in this world?”

I didn’t know what he meant and I guess my face showed it.

“I mean we’re always lonely. We can never connect or merge ourselves in with someone we love, no matter how much we want to.”

I just sat there waiting. I didn’t think he needed me to say anything.

“You’re always going to be separate from me, Son. You’re mother is separate from me. I’ve wished lots of times I could let her put her hand in my heart and feel how much I love her. Does that make any sense to you?”

“Yeah, Dad, that does. I’ve felt like that lots of times.”

“This morning, when I hugged you, do you understand I was doing the best I knew how to show you I love you?”

“Yeah, Dad, I understand that.”

“You turned your head away from me, Kerry. You usually just sort of stick your face against me like you want to bury yourself in me. Did you feel like maybe you weren’t worthy of my love?”

He’d noticed. I had hoped he hadn’t.

“I guess so, Dad. I guess I sort of felt like I’d done something wrong and that was bad enough. Then I got to thinking about how you’d feel about me if you found out. I didn’t know what to do.”

He waited a minute or so and just kept looking at me.

“Son, I wish you could stick your hand in my chest and feel how much I love you. Don’t ever turn your head away again when I hug you. You don’t need to. The next time you screw up, I’ll be here for you.”

“I hope so, Dad. I just hope I don’t screw up too much.” 

“Someday you’re going to find a woman to love and you’ll decide to commit your life to her. You’ll have kids and then those kids will grow up. They’ll fuck up sometimes. What are you going to do then?”

I looked at him straight in the eyes. I knew what he was saying. I knew what he was saying about me and what he wanted me to learn.

“I’m going to hug them, Dad. I’m going to hug them and love them. I guess that’s all I’ll be able to do.”

“Maybe that’ll be enough, Son,” he said. “Now get your butt out of my chair. I’ve got to look at some stuff and then we’ve got to get home. Your Mom’s cooking supper for us.”

When we left, Dad told Hal to secure the building. I didn’t see anything happen but a few seconds later I heard a voice from somewhere above the front entrance say, “Kieran, the building is secure.” I knew I had to learn how they were doing all the stuff I’d seen and heard. It seemed like something from a science-fiction story.

We changed our shoes at the car and then walked around the Freeloft Center so Dad could look at a couple of buildings that were still under construction. I looked all around but I couldn’t see anybody else around the site.

“Dad, are we being watched right now?” I asked.

“Yes, Son, you’re being monitored. Everything around the center is being monitored. You’re also being recorded.”

“Well, who’s watching? Where’s the place where we’re being recorded? I haven’t seen anybody else around here today.”

“There are two people on duty here, Son. You don’t see them because they’re indoors. They can see you. And me.”

“Boy, this place is really neat. Could I really come back here and learn how all this stuff is done? Maybe get somebody to show me stuff and answer some questions?”

“I’ve told you already, Kerry. Just let me know when you want to do it and I’ll arrange it for you. We’ll work on some of it together.”

We walked all around looking at everything and it turned out that it was a good thing we’d worn some old shoes. We ended up with mud all over our feet. I sure wouldn’t have wanted to get it in Dad’s new car. When we got back to the car, we changed our shoes again and I knew there was one more thing I had to make sure of before we left.

“Dad, I’ve been thinking about Kenjiro. I really do want to keep him for a friend. I guess I like him more than any other guy I’ve met at school. Is it OK if he keeps coming over to our house?”

“Sure, Kerry, I don’t see any reason why you two can’t be good friends.”

“You’re not going to let him know I told you about what we did?”

“Of course not, Son. You should know I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think what you two did is so awful bad. Sex is always hard to handle. You always need to think of the consequences. If you do something that bothers you just don’t do it again. Quit worrying about it.”

He pretended to slap me up side the head and then handed me the car keys again.

“Where do you want me to drive?” I asked. “I thought we were going home.”

“We will,” he said. “Just get behind the wheel and start the car.”

That scared me. “Dad, I can’t drive home. I can’t drive in traffic.”

“I know, Son. Trust me. Do what I said.”

I got behind the wheel and put the key in. Dad didn’t put his seat belt on so I waited. He saw me looking at him so I pulled my seatbelt away from my chest and let it go. He put his belt on too. When I turned the key, nothing happened, just nothing, not even a sound. When I turned to Dad again, he was watching me with a big grin. I tried to start the car again. It wouldn’t start.

“What am I doing wrong?” I asked.

Dad didn’t answer me. He just said, “Hal, are you listening?”

“Yes, Kieran, I’m listening.” Hal said.

Damn, he was in the car too. How could he do that?

“Why can’t Kerry start my car?” Dad asked.

“Kieran, Kerry is not authorized to drive your car. Kerry is twelve years old.” Hal said. 

“Kerry drove my car earlier today. How could he drive it then?”

“Kieran, I was put in control of your car when you left it. I was not in control of your car when Kerry drove it.”

“Thank you, Hal. I’ll take control now,” Dad said.

“Yes, Kieran, you have control now.”

“Damn, I love that. Don’t you?” Dad said. He was grinning like a little boy with a new toy. I was too. I just shook my head. Unbelievable!

 We swapped seats and Dad drove back to the main highway. He stopped for traffic for a minute, did something on the steering wheel, and the radio came on. It was set to Dad’s favorite station and I heard some classical music I knew Dad liked. Dad sat and waited and listened even though there were breaks in the traffic.

“That’s Spring from Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, Son. Do you like it?”

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s beautiful but it’s complicated. I can’t figure out why he does some of the things he does. The patterns are so damn intricate.”

“That’s an absolutely perfect classical music composition, Son. I don’t think there’s a single note I would change to make it better.”

“I didn’t mean there was anything wrong with it, Dad. I always like to understand things. I’ve heard it when you listen to it at home and I like it. But Vivaldi throws in some tricks and that makes it hard to understand.” 
 
“Kerry, you’re an absolutely perfect composition too.”

I looked at Dad. He was grinning as he pulled out onto the highway. I was too. I knew I could handle anything. I didn’t care what it was; I could handle it.

<><><>

When we got home, Dad drove around the house to the basement garage where he parked his car. He’d insisted Mom take the single-car garage that opened out to the front of the house when she got her new BMW. When he turned off the motor, I started to get out. He reached over, grabbed my arm, and said, “Wait.”

He just sat there looking at me and I couldn’t tell what he wanted or what he was thinking. After a minute, he asked, “Are you OK?”

I knew he meant OK about what we’d talked about. I was OK as far as he was concerned, more than OK. I wasn’t OK as far as Kenjiro was concerned. I knew I had to talk to talk to him and tell him how I felt.

“Yeah, Dad, I’m fine. I want to call Kenjiro and talk to him.”

He shook his head no. “Don’t call. Either go over to his house or invite him over here. Do it face to face.”

I thought about it for a few seconds and then I shook my head yes. He smiled at me again and turned toward me as much as the car seat would let him. He opened his arms to me. “Come here.”

I slid over a little and leaned against him and he wrapped his arms around me. I turned my face toward him and buried it under his chin.

“Kerry,” he whispered, “I love you so much it makes me feel like crying when I know you’re hurting. You can make up your mind what’s right. Do it. I’ll always love you no matter what.”

I felt like crying too but I was too happy to do it this time. I wrapped my arms around his chest and squeezed up against him tighter. We sat there for a minute or so without saying anything. Finally he pushed me back, gave me another smile, and we got out of the car.

When we went upstairs and into the kitchen, Mom was working on something on the kitchen counter. I could smell something cooking and I knew it was a lemon-pepper pork loin. It was one of my favorites but everything was close to a favorite lately. She looked at me and smiled.

“Call Kenjiro. He’s called three times since you’ve been gone. I don’t know what he wants but he wants to talk to you about something. He said it was important.”

“Can I go over to his house?”

“May I?”

“Damn, OK, may I?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s after five and dinner will be ready about six. Call him and see if he wants to come over and eat dinner with you.”

I looked at Dad and he nodded OK.

“I think that would be a good idea,” he said, so Mom would hear. “Whatever he wants, it can wait until after you’ve had a good meal. I don’t like to have to deal with anything important when I’m hungry.”

I called Kenjiro and he said he wanted to talk to me but he didn’t want to do it over the phone when somebody might hear. He asked me if I could come over to his house. I asked what he was going to have for dinner and he said sandwiches. Then I asked him if he’s rather have lemon-pepper pork loin with all the stuff that goes with it. 

Dad was leaning against the kitchen counter watching me. He held up one finger and I stopped to see what he wanted.

“Tell him to walk over and we’ll drive him back home sometime tonight.”

<><><>

After dinner, I asked Dad if it was OK if Kenjiro and I walked up the hill to the crest. I told him I wanted Kenjiro to see the view at night up there. He knew what I really wanted and said OK.

As soon as we were out the door, Kenjiro asked me where I’d been all afternoon.

“At the Freeloft Center with Dad. You know, that’s where they’ve built all the buildings for Andersen Security. Dad let me drive his car.”

“No shit? That big fucking Mercedes? Damn, I wish I could drive it.”

“Wait’ll you see all the cool stuff they’ve got over there. You won’t believe some of it. I talked to a fucking computer and it answered me.”

Kenjiro didn’t say anything and I knew he wanted to talk about something else.

“I wanted to talk to you too.” I said. “I’m glad you called.”

He stopped walking and turned toward me. I could barely see his face. It seemed like it took him a while to say anything.

“Kerry, I…damn. Are you mad at me?”

I was surprised.

“Shit no. What ever gave you that idea?”

“Well, you haven’t been joking with me and stuff like that every time I’ve seen you this week. You’ve been so damn serious I thought you were mad at me.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve had something bothering me all week. Wait’ll we get up to the crest and we can sit down and talk about it.”

At the crest, we walked through the boulders to the picnic table. The sky was dark except for stars and the view back over the city was beautiful. I sat down on one side of the table and he sat on the other. He reached across the table and caught my hand.

“Kerry, I’m sorry,” he said. “I was stupid to get you to do that stuff last Saturday night. I’ve been worrying about it all week. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

I didn’t know what to say. I’d never thought about it from his side.

“Ken-chan, you didn’t get me to do anything.”

“Shit, Kerry. You know what I mean. I’m almost three years older than you are and I shouldn’t get you into bad stuff. I guess I forget about that most of the time because you’re as big as I am and you act like you’re lots older. But, damn, I shouldn’t have fucked you that way. It makes me ashamed of myself.”

“Aaww, come on, my dick was in your ass first.”

“Yeah, I know but we shouldn’t have done that, neither one of us. I guess it was fun but I’ve felt bad about it all week. I’m not going to do stuff like that any more.”

“Ken-chan, can I tell you the truth?”

“Sure.”

“Look, I liked it when I got my dick in you. I even liked it when you got your dick in me. When I jacked off while you were fucking me, I felt like my nuts had exploded.”

“Yeah, that part was kind of good, wasn’t it? It was just later I got to feeling so bad about doing it. I guess I felt like we were just getting to be good friends and I liked that and then I just felt like I’d fucked up everything.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s exactly the way I’ve felt all week.”

“Then you’re not mad at me? You think we can go on being friends?”

“Ken-chan, I’m not mad at you. If anybody’s to blame, I’m just as much to blame as you are. We were both kind of stupid. I want us to keep on being friends.”

“Yeah, stupid’s the right word. I don’t see how guys can do stuff like that if it makes you feel so bad inside. I’m going to keep my dick in my pants until I can stick it in a pussy.”

“Maybe you’ve better take it out to take a piss once in a while.”

“You know what I mean, Kerry.”

“Are you going to quit jacking off? I’m not.”

“Shit no, I didn’t mind that. I don’t see where it hurts anything to jack off, even if we do it together. Hell, we do it separate all the time anyway.”  

“Look, Ken-chan, let’s get something straight about this shit. I’ve been ashamed of myself all week. So have you. You didn’t make me do anything. I’m as much to blame as you are. Let’s just don’t do it anymore. Let’s just keep on being friends.”

He took a couple of deep breaths and let them out. We just sat there for a while looking at each other. He put his arm out, elbow on the picnic table, hand in the air, and I slapped my hand in his.

“Want to arm wrestle?” he asked, squeezing my hand a little.

I squeezed back and then turned loose of his hand.

“Nah, let’s go home. I’ll see if Dad will drive you home in his car. I’ll even let you sit up front.”

“Thanks, Kerry. Do you think he’ll let me drive it too?”

“Nope, not a chance of that.”


TO BE CONTINUED:
