HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN 

I'm lost. I'm so lost, and I feel like I've lost my mind, and I'm not sure who I am.

My name is Prudence. Everyone calls me Pru. I'm a junior at Endicott College. I'll be 21 years old shortly. I thought I was ready to be an adult. I thought I knew the path my life was going to take.

It started to go awry this summer, when I let a friend seduce me. A female friend. I was horrified and excited, all at the same time. I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to have sex before marriage, and I'm certainly not supposed to have sex with another girl ever. But I did it. And I hated myself for it.

What had happened to my convictions, my beliefs? What had I done? I was struggling with this when I got back to school. I was struggling with what I had been taught, with what I believed, with the horrible way that my body betrayed me.

School, in a way, is a refuge, as I have really good friends. However, in a way, it's not, as my friends aren't like me. My best friend and roommate, Cat, was sexually active and not apologetic about it. But my friends always respected me and took care of me.

However, when I talked to Cat about what I had done over the summer, she challenged me. Challenged how I was feeling, how I clung to my beliefs. It wasn't pleasant, but it made me think.

And then there was Jonah. Jonah loved me. I loved him. But I wouldn't go out with him, wouldn't spend time with him alone-because I was afraid my body would betray me if I got too close to him. Cat pointed out that his patience was incredible. She was right. So, that got thrown into the tortured questions I was asking myself-was I going to throw away the guy for me because of all this? I thought it might come to that. Jonah had to be frustrated. And, hell, he hadn't asked for sex-just dating. And I wouldn't even give that.

This churned in my brain for about the first month of school-until a Tuesday afternoon. A seminar I usually had in the afternoon was suddenly canceled. I headed back to the house. When I got there, I headed for my room. I got to the door and I stopped-I heard noises.

The door to my room wasn't closed all the way. It was cracked enough to see into. That was an oversight, I know-Cat would never do that deliberately. Hearing the noises, I peered in without opening the door.

Cat was there. So was Colin, Cat's boyfriend. Of course-they thought I was in class, right? So, they were in there. Naked. They were lying side-by-side, with their hands all over one another. Just then, I saw Colin crawl up, so that he was positioned in between Cat's legs. And I saw it. His....you know.

GOD. I had to get out of there! Away from the door, back down the stairs, into the living room. I could hang out there, read, pretend I hadn't seen anything, tell them I saw the door closed. Nobody would be the wiser. I couldn't stay here! I couldn't watch that, what they were doing!

My feet seemed rooted to the floor. My brain kept saying "leave!" but my feet wouldn't cooperate. I watched. I saw everything. I saw Colin kneel in between Cat's legs. I saw him slide himself into her. I saw it all.

It was so big! And he slid into Cat just as easy as you please. She started moaning and grunting. He was sliding in and out, sliding in and out. I was transfixed. Mortified. And hot. I was so hot, it was like I was burning up.
I needed to leave. I couldn't leave. I stood there and watched. And my hand....where was my hand? Oh, God, before I knew it it was up my skirt-and in my panties.

It was like my body was on autopilot-my feet stuck to the floor, my eyes stuck on Cat and Colin, and my hand in between my legs, down my panties, furiously rubbing. But my mind was outside my body, looking down on it, completely horrified and disgusted. And my heart? That was torn right in two.

I kept rubbing. Colin and Cat kept...doing what they were doing. My heart and mind were rapidly becoming irrelevant-my body had taken over. I was so hot, and so wet, and so close, and I couldn't stop. Just as Cat screamed, I had an orgasm.

And, fell forward, stumbling, my knees weak-and knocking their door open. Cat looked at me, eyes wide, seeing me standing there with my hand up my skirt. It was no secret what I'd been doing. 

"Pru?" Cat said.

That broke me out of it. I yanked my hand out, horrified at what I'd just done. I stared at them, unable to speak. Then I ran. I just ran. Away from the doorway, out of the house-I just took off. I didn't come back for a good long time. And, when I did, I couldn't talk to any of them, most especially Cat. She tried to talk to me about it, in our room that night, but I just burrowed under the covers and ignored her-crying softly to myself.

I didn't know what to do. I just wanted a hole to open up in the ground and swallow me. I had to share a room with Cat every night. How could I ever face her again?

--The End-

This is the second story of this story arc. The first was called You've Got To Hide Your Love Away. The next will be called Dear Prudence.







