THE END OF THE BEGINNING (Chapter 115)

It was a few days before Christmas. Sophia and Ellen had taken Betsy with them to go do some shopping. Warren was downstairs at Sophie's, in their apartment, reading a book. Suddenly, he heard the doorbell-the one from the door that led directly into the basement. He went outside the apartment and to the door, and opened it.

"Jess! Hey!"

"Hi Warren. What's up?"

"Not much. Come on in." He led her through the basement into the apartment. "If you're looking for Sophie, she's not here."

"That's fine, you'll do," she giggled. Warren took her coat and they sat down on the couch. "I'm just looking for a shoulder to cry on."

"You know mine's always available. What's wrong?"

"Have you talked to Crash?"

"Not in the last two weeks or so. He's due home tomorrow. Why, what's up?"

"Well, it's over. Crash and I, I mean. We broke up last weekend."

" Excuse me? He hasn't said a word!"

"He wouldn't. You know Jason. To be truthful about it, I haven't said a word to Sophie either. I guess we were just hoping it'd work out and didn't want to alarm anyone, especially you two since you have your hands full with that baby," she grinned. "But this has been coming for some time."

"What happened?" Warren asked.

"Well, it started a year and a half ago. You know, the year we spent apart."

"Yeah, and I thought being apart for that year pretty much killed both of you."

"It did. At the time," she said. "What happened was, we got back together that summer and things seemed OK. But when I went out to Wisconsin-Milwaukee last year, that's when it started to dawn on me. Look, we were closer, but we weren't together all the time. We were still at separate schools, so there were gaps in between our seeing each other. Maybe that's the way I was able to see what was happening."

"The thing is," she continued, "is that I grew up and he didn't. Actually, forget that, that's too harsh. I changed and he didn't. I wanted different things out of the relationship than he did."

"What do you mean?" Warren asked.

"It started with sex. We haven't had sex for months, you know. That was deliberate, because I thought our problems were with sex. I was wrong, sex was just part of it. But that's where I first noticed it. Jason's great at fucking-actually, that's too harsh again, because I think it was both of us together that were great at fucking, but we're not great at making love. And I've come to the point in my life where I need someone who is willing to make love to me."

"We tried changing it, we've been trying for some time. The problem is, we only went a certain distance. That was enough for him. It was probably even enough for me-for a while. Then it ceased to be enough." She looked at Warren. "We haven't spent much time together the past couple of years. I mean, first I was here and you were there, then when we were closer you had the pregnancy and the Olympics, and then you're here and I'm there. But I have changed a lot in the past few years."

"I need love, Warren. I need to be cherished. Jason and I are too much alike. I need someone sweet and gentle to smooth away my rough spots."

"When Jason and I first hooked up, we set each other on fire. That was great, for a while. But I don't want that anymore. I want someone to make me melt." 

Warren thought about that, and then something popped into his head. And he looked at Jessie in amazement. "Oh my God, this goes back to the cabin, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does," Jessie admitted with a sad smile.

"This all started....I mean..." Warren couldn't say it.

"That first night you and I made love. Yes," Jessie admitted. "That's what started it."

"Jess, how many years ago was that?"

"It was the start, I said. It's been building since then."

"I thought you and Crash fixed all that, right then!" Warren exclaimed.

"We did. To a point. But we didn't go past that point, and I needed to go past that point. I thought we were on the right track-then it stopped." She took a deep breath. "That night with you, well....as I said, Jason and I haven't had sex in months. As you might have guessed," she said with a smirk, "I play with myself a lot. And I haven't been thinking of Jason when I was doing it. I've been thinking of a night in a certain cabin up in Maine. I think that's when I realized that Jason and I were doomed."

"This is a hell of a thing to drop on my head!" Warren said.

"I know. I'm sorry," she said. "You're my best friend's fiancé. You're the father of her child." Jessie's voice dropped to a near-whisper. "And I'm in love with you-and I have been for some time."

"Oh God," Warren said.

"I can't help it," Jessie said in a voice of despair. "Do you know how long I've been fighting this?"

"Jess, you have to keep fighting it," Warren asserted.

"I know. But I can't." 

"Jesus, Jess, where's that Jessica Reidel fighting spirit? Where's the She-Devil?"

"The She-Devil is gone," Jessica said with finality. "She's been gone for some time. That's the point. That's the whole point."

"You know," Warren said, "when Sophie and I, last year, decided to call a halt to our experimentation, it was because we were afraid that one of our dalliances was going to come back and bite us on the ass. This is the last one I expected to do that."

"Why?" Jessie said. "You should've expected this. You're every bit in love with me as I am with you."

Warren looked at her like she was insane. "Jessie. I'm in love with Sophia. Remember her?"

"It's possible to love two people at the same time," Jessie said.

"No it's not. Not the same way," Warren asserted.

"I didn't say it was the same way. I'm quite sure it's not even to the same degree," Jessie admitted. "If there's, I don't know, a scale of being in love, Sophia's higher than I am on it with you, and I know it. But you're in love with me all the same." She sighed. "If I didn't know for sure that you were going to get back with Sophia when you broke up freshman year at Wisconsin, I probably would've dumped Crash then and there. But I did know you and Sophia were going to get back together. Had no doubt about it, in fact, if you recall, I wanted it to happen."

She looked at him plaintively. "I know, I know, I'll always be number two. I don't mind."

Warren's head was reeling. "Jess, you're saying-what, exactly?"

"I'm saying that I love you. And I want to be with you. When Sophia isn't. I want to be your second girlfriend. And I want to make love to you, right now."

"WHAT? NO!" Warren burst out.

"Warren, we've done it before."

"With Sophie's approval. And participation, remember. She was there. We can't do this behind her back. And, if you forget, we did all that before I put a ring on her finger."

"I don't want your ring on my finger," Jess said. "Someday, I'm going to meet someone to spend my life with. I have no doubt he's going to be a lot like you," she grinned, "but it won't be you. Sophia's going to spend the rest of her life with you. I just want whatever I can get for right now."

Warren looked at her in shock. "Jess, this just isn't like you."

"I've changed, I told you."

"The Jessica Reidel I know would never settle for second best," Warren pointed out.

"I've been setting for second best for some time now. Why do you think I'm doing this?" she asked. "You are not second-best. And I'm not settling for second-best, I'm settling for being second choice. There's a difference."

"You deserve someone all your own."

"I agree," she said. "But he ain't here. So, for right now, what I deserve is to make love with the one man who managed to steal my heart when neither of us were looking."

"And what does Sophia deserve?" Warren asked pointedly. 

"You. And she has you. I'm not going to interfere with that."

"That's exactly what you're doing!"

"No, it's not. She's not here, is she? I'm not taking you away from her. I'm filling in the blank spots, the in-betweens." 

"It's not that easy, Jess."

"OK, fine. Warren? All you have to do is say that I'm wrong, that you don't love me. If you can say that, I will get up off this couch, walk out your door, and we will forget we even had this conversation."

"Good," he said.

"Fine," Jess agreed. "So say it. Tell me that you don't love me. And I'm gone."

"I--," Warren started. Then his head fell into his hands. "I can't say it. Because it's a lie. Oh, fuck." 

"This isn't any easier for me."

"Of course it is! What do you have to lose?" Warren blurted angrily.

"My best friend, and my other best friend," she said sadly. 

"OK, you're right," Warren said. "But you pushed this."

"Yes, I did," she admitted. "Because I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. Warren, I need you. Do you know how fucking lonely I am right now?"

"Jessie, I can not do this!"

"Warren, just kiss me. Please?" She moved closer to him on the couch. "We can start there and see what happens."

"I can't do this. I can't."

"Yes, you can." She slid onto Warren's lap.

"Oh, Jesus, Jess, please. I can't do this, but I also can't hurt you, you know that."

"Warren, nobody's going to get hurt." She took his face in her hands, and leaned down to kiss him. He tried to pull away.

"Jessie. I love you."

"Oh, goody, you said it! Now kiss me again!"

"Jess, as I was about to say, it doesn't matter if I love you or not. This is just wrong."

"No. No, it's not. Sophia will understand."

"I doubt that. Jessie, somehow, you're not thinking straight."

"Yes, I am. Look, Sophie's never been possessive."

Warren sighed. "You don't know what happened after I took Liz Cushman's virginity. That was very hairy for a while. We worked it out, but that's when we decided we weren't going to fool around anymore. She's not possessive if she can control it. When she can't, she is."

"Warren," Jessie sighed, "I'm not Liz Cushman. I'm Sophie's best friend. Don't you think she wants me to be happy?"

"If you're so sure of that, then we wait until she gets back and we ask her."

"That's not necessary. We can tell her afterwards. That will be fine." 

Warren was in complete turmoil. He couldn't do this, not to Sophie. But he did love Jessie. Not like he loved Sophie, but he did love her. And he'd never seen tough, strong-willed, take-no-prisoners Jessica Reidel in this much pain before. He wanted to make the pain go away. 

"Jess, when on earth did you get so needy?"

"When I realized what I needed," she said softly. "When I realized what my life had been missing."

"Dammit, Jess, I'm too weak for this."

"That's kind of what I was counting on," she giggled. "Warren, take me in your arms. Take me to your bed. Make love to me."

"Jessie, you need to get off my lap."

"No, I don't. I need to kiss you." She did.

Warren, caught between surrendering and throwing her on the floor, off his lap, heard the door open before he saw. His heart sank right to his knees.

My life, he thought, is over.

"What the HELL is going ON here?" Sophia demanded.

--end of chapter''













