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A Complete Tuckup -*- Copyright 2001 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


A Complete Tuckup


***
17:38 22 Jul

     "Hi Miz Parker," I said nicely, even though I wanted to demand why
she wasn't Travis.  I knew I was being irrational, though, so I
restrained myself.
     "Hello Valerie," she smiled, and then whooshed as I handed her
Stella.  "She's really growing!" she remarked.  Miz Parker did, I mean;
Stella just made nonsensical noises and drooled.
     "Are you going out with Travis again?" Miz Parker asked.  I guess
the dress on the hanger gave her the clue.
     "I hope so," I said sincerely.  "We didn't talk about it before,
but I want to go someplace nice for dinner tonight."  And then back to
his place after for-
     "Well, go shower and change, and I'll distract him until you're
ready," she grinned at me, and then we both acted like nothing
interesting was happening as three boys came charging into the room and
started blathering.
     *Come to think of it,* I thought as I dashed for the bathroom,
*it's kind of nice to think of being behind a locked door and away from
those kids for a while...  Maybe that's why Mom always bathed so much
when we were little?*  Sometimes, I remembered, Dad would come home, Mom
would hand him Brian (back when Brian was handheld-sized) and then she'd
go take a bath, maybe for an hour at a time.
     That would also explain why she was so annoyed when Susan and I had
gotten the ladder to peek in the window to make sure she was using
soap...

***
17:40 22 Jul

     I held the dress up against myself and visualized, and it was good.
     *Oooh,* I remembered suddenly, *and that hat would go with this
too, wouldn't it?  Now THAT would be cute.*  It was still out in the
trunk, Amy not yet having pawed through that box.
     Hopefully not so cute he'd throw up.  I'd have to be careful.

***
17:41 22 Jul

     "Oh crap," I mentioned as my pager went off.  I went and dug it
out, and it said

     HEY CALL US WERE OFF TONITE MIKE AN ANY

     "Oh, crap," I said again, with feeling.  I had other plans.

***
17:52 22 Jul

     "Wow, you look great," Travis said, sounding sincere.
     "Really?"  I'd scrubbed myself pink all over, and shaved my legs
lightly, and my makeup looked really good, but I hadn't been too sure
about the dress and everything.  I guessed I should have more confidence
in Amy's taste, though, because he was nodding.
     Then one of the small boys made a retching noise, and I had to turn
away from Travis and kill them.

***
17:56 22 Jul

     I had managed to leave Travis in the other room with Miz Parker and
the Four Monsters, which was going to make talking to Mike and or Amy
without spazzing out a lot easier, and called my house.
     Well, I called my number and got my voicemail system, and then
entered the eight-digit override code so I could dial out again, and
then I called up the main house line.  You couldn't be too careful.
     "Hey, Tuck?" Mike said when he picked up.
     "How did you know it was me?"  Calling the hard way was supposed to
prevent-
     "Because Caller ID says this call is from your room, stupid," he
told me.
     "Oh."  I should have remembered that.  "Anyway, um, I already have
plans-"
     "Travis again?" he asked suspiciously.
     "He wants to talk to me about dating things," I half lied, "and he
needs to talk to someone and he's much less scared of me than he is of
Lisa."  Which should be true, if he was sane.  "So, he asked if I wanted
to go to dinner, and I said yes.  I didn't remember you were going to be
off tonight; I thought you'd be sleeping."
     "Man," Mike said disgustedly, but I thought he'd believed me.
"What about tomorrow night?"
     "Okay, yeah, sure, we'll do something Wednesday."  A remembered
pain inspired me to add, "But I have to get shots that night after I get
home, so it'll be a while.  What did you have in mind?"
     "I had some ideas on camping," he said ominously.
     "Oh God," I let out involuntarily.  His ideas were often heavier
than they sounded.
     He laughed into the phone.  "No, no, man, good stuff, I think," he
chuckled.
     "Hey, send me email, okay?  I gotta run, he's here already."
     "Are you thinking?" Mike inquired.
     "Oh, yeah.  Lots."  Maybe too much.  I'd been thinking all day.
     Pause.
     He finally said, "Alright.  Take care, mano.  Watch your six."
     "So ka.  Later!"  And I hung up.

***
17:59 22 Jul

     "I just thought, maybe we could go someplace nice for dinner?" I
suggested, crossing my fingers behind my back.
     "Well, um," he said, and I knew instantly that there was something
not going like I'd planned.  "A friend of mine wanted to go out tonight,
so I thought we could have dinner with him?  And his girlf- I mean, his
date?"
     I sighed.  This was definitely not what I'd had in mind.
     "I guess so," I finally admitted.  "Um, but, I mean, dinner was all
you had planned with them, right?"
     He nodded, which made me feel better.

***
18:03 22 Jul

     Kissing once we got out of sight range of certain mouthy brats was
getting to be a habit.  Luckily, it was one we liked.
     And he hadn't thrown up or even gagged when I tried the hat on.
I'd been merciful with it, and not put on until we left the vicinity of
the Parker house; I'd bet I could give Ricky the shakes with it, but
right before going out with Travis was not a good time to test this
particular hypothesis.
     And if I tilted it back, it didn't get in the way, either.  Heh.
     Finally, he bent down and I let go of his neck, and we smiled at
each other.  "Hi!" I smiled.
     "I like the hat," he said, and I smiled wider.

***
18:22 22 Jul

     "Hi Bobby," I smiled.  He looked like he was moving a lot easier.
     "Hey Vicki!" he said back and waved.  His girlfriend, or whatever
she was, looked kind of sourly at him, but then she shrugged and
half-smiled at me.
     "Valerie," me and Travis said at the same time, and he squeezed my
shoulder.  The girl rolled her eyes, which made me repress a grin of my
own.
     The place we'd come to was one I'd never been to, and it made me
feel a bit overdressed, since I was in thigh-highs and a nice dress and
the nice flats Amy had purchased Sunday and the hat and everything, and
everyone I could see was in after-work stuff.  At least Travis and Bobby
were wearing collared shirts and Travis had on some pants instead of
jeans.  And the other girl had on something that looked
semi-professional, too.
     The restaurant looked like it wasn't that fancy either but it was
pretty crowded, which suggested that the food might be good.  I hoped
so; it was apparent that Travis and I were going to have to restrain our
enthusiasm for each other to some degree, and the idea of food while a
definite second (third, fifth, twentieth) best in my opinion was
possibly better than, say, nothing.  And I wasn't that hungry anyway.
Not for food.
     That dream had been on the back of my mind all day long.

***
19:40 22 Jul

     "Well, I mean," I explained to Jessie, Bobby's date, as we fixed
our makeup in the bathroom mirror, "he didn't say anything to me about
going out with someone else, and I thought maybe we could go somewhere
nice, but-"
     "Oh, man, we didn't know," Jessie apologized.  "You could have said
someth-"
     "Well I mean, we had to come here to catch up with you anyway,"
Travis and Bobby having planned this rendezvous beforehand, and without
asking either of us either, which I was going to remember, "and then it
was okay.  I mean the food's okay and everything," though I hadn't eaten
much, I was too nervous, "and we'll have the rest of the evening
anyway..."
     "Does that mean you don't want to come to the movies with me an'
Bobby?" she said, and I thought I was going to have to explain things to
her and annoyed at the necessity, when I saw her unsuccessfully
repressing a grin.
    "Ha ha," I said formally, and then she was grinning out loud and
then so was I.

***
19:47 22 Jul

     "I was feeling kind of tired," I said, and kicked Travis lightly
under the table.  He glanced at me sharply, and I smiled tiredly at him.
     "Aw, come on," Bobby whined.  "We could go see a movie, that's what
me an' Jessie were gonna do."  Jessie looked at him in a not-pleased
manner.
     "No, she worked all day, and she's tired," Travis said after a half
second longer than would have been ideal.  "I think I'd better take her
home."
     Which was where I wanted to go.

***
20:13 22 Jul

     "Next time, ask before you do something like that, huh?" I
suggested.
     "Aw, come on, Val, he's a friend of mine," Travis rumbled at me.
     "But I wanted to be with YOU tonight."
     "You were!"
     "It's different," I insisted.  "Come on, I'll show you what I
meant," and I took his hand and pulled him towards the stairs to his
place.

***
20:20 22 Jul

     "See?" I pointed out as he licked at one of my nipples.  "You
couldn't do this with him around!"  Luckily, the dress buttoned, or
unbuttoned, along the front, and was plenty loose.
     "Well, I could," he argued, which was a bad thing to do, with him
being so ticklish and everything.

***
20:22 22 Jul

     "You're bad," Travis told me after he'd pinned me on the floor.
     "Uh huh," I had to agree.  "I'm a bad girl.  Are you going to
punish me?"
     "A spanking," he said.
     "A spanking!  A spanking!" I squealed, before I started laughing.
Travis tried tickling me then, but I tickled him worse and he fell off
me, and then I was trying to catch him in a scissors lock.

***
20:25 22 Jul

     I'd 'lost' again.  Darn.
     "You," Travis panted, "are very VERY bad."
     I bit him lightly on one of his nipples to show him how bad I could
be.  "Ow," he said mildly.
     "'Ow' or 'Oooh'?"
     He thought about it silently, looking over my head, and I bit him
again as a demonstration.  "Somewhere in between," he finally decided.
     Then he unfairly used his greater mass and strength to fling me
around like I didn't weigh anything, and then he was in position and he
nuzzled into the top of the dress and then bit one of my nipples
lightly.
     "Ohhhhh!"
     "'Ow' or 'Oooh'?" he quoted back at me before he did it again.
     This time I said something like "Unnngghhh!" and tried to shove the
entire growing breast into his mouth.  Which hurt.  A lot.
     When we'd settled back down, relatively speaking, I answered,
"Definitely 'Ow'."
     "You're doing it too hard," he told me, and nipped at me again.
     "Ooooh!"
     "Yeah, like that!" he said like he was coaching me.

***
20:31 22 Jul

     "We just got this dress Sunday," I told him as he brushed my back
off.  After I'd heard a seam start to go, I'd convinced him that I
would immediately go home tonight if the dress was ruined, say by
immense shear stress caused by him wrestling any more while on top of me
while I was wearing it.  So we were sort of having an intermission.
     "'We'?" Travis asked back.
     "Me an' Amy did," I elaborated.  "We went shopping, and she liked
it a lot, and she is going to be pissed if it's all messed up before she
gets a chance to wear it too."
     "Do you two share clothes a lot?" Travis asked.
     I thought about it.  "More like she borrows mine," I finally
decided.  "But we got this one together, but she got the shoes."
     "You're stealing clothes from your sis- I mean, your cousin?" he
accused me.
     "It's not steal- I BOUGHT the damned thing!  With MY money!" I
remembered.  We'd gone halfsies on the shoes, so they were half mine no
matter which way you counted it.
     "Whoa whoa, calm down," he said.
     "Besides, she wears boring stuff," I lied.
     "But you said 'WE got this one', remember?"
     I sighed.  "YES, dear, 'we' got it but I was the one that picked it
out first, and she liked it when I was trying it on.  Are we going to
talk about clothes shopping," I asked, "or can we go back in the bedroom
and lie down?  I'm tired," I smiled at him, "remember?"

***
20:44 22 Jul

     I was having a fit of anxiety, so instead of suggesting what was on
my fevered brain, I instead quoted Monty Python at him, and he'd agreed,
giving me a couple of casual swats as my spanking before I performed
oral sex on him.
     I knew this wasn't how it was supposed to go in the movie, but this
was Real Life, not eleventh century England.
     Which is one reason why I had insisted he grab my hands in his.
     He was now attempting to powder my hand bones, which was immensely
distracting, but then he made this funny little noise and pulled on my
arms, and then he was filling up a condom again.
     This didn't do it for me either, like I was afraid it wouldn't, and
I figured that out by the time he'd relaxed.  So I wriggled my way up to
the pillows and his chest, which I snuggled against.
     God, I was SO immensely horny I could barely stand it, even lying
down.  I was just scared to ask.  I mean, he'd been game so far,
eventually, but this might be pushing things a little too far.  And even
though the resulting stigma would be much more on me than it would be on
him - which was not something I was honestly worried about at this
particular underwear-straining moment - it might be enough to put him
off.

***
21:09 22 Jul

     "Please?"
     I'd finally lost my mind, or lost the rest of it, when he asked me
if I'd had anywhere near as much fun as he had, and I'd asked before I
could stop myself.  And now HE was acting uncertain.
     "I don't want to hurt you-"
     "You won't, I promise!  Please, Travis, I've been thinking about
this for a long time," I half-lied, "and I really really REALLY want
it," which was completely and utterly true.  "I'll do anything for you."
     "Anything?" he asked, in a teasing voice.
     "Yes!"  I might regret saying that later-
     "No, Val," he rumbled at me, "you don't have-"
     "Please!" I begged.  "Please please please please!"
     He laughed, then, and said, "You're insane!"
     "YES!  I am completely insane," I admitted, because I was.  "Please
I'll do anything for you," I repeated, and reached down, and realized
that even if Travis was having doubts, That Thing apparently had none at
all.  I fondled That Thing gently, trying to get him somewhere in the
same emotional neighborhood I was in.  I looked him in the eye and said
again, "Anything.  I want you inside of me."
     He looked so confused and vulnerable, and I knew I'd remember this
moment forever.

***
21:13 22 Jul

     He'd rolled on top of me and he was thrusting against me, and that
was pretty damned good, but it wasn't in quite the right place and I
could feel almost a wall that I knew instinctively I wasn't going to get
past this way.  "Travis, no, wait, this isn't it," I told him.
"Please?"
     He stopped.  Then he slid off me, next to me.  "Are you really
sure?"
     "YES!" I screamed.  "Oh please Travis please," I begged before I
tried kissing him some more, which had given good results in the past.
     He pushed me far enough away to talk.  "Valerie..."
     He didn't say anything else for a while, and so all I could hear
was my heartbeat hammering in my ears.
     "You really want me to have sex with you there," he said.
     I nodded, completely certain of what I wanted but feeling helpless
in the face of his reluctance.  "Please," I whispered, almost choking on
my anxiety, "I don't know how else to ask..."
     Travis reached out and gently touched my face, and I could feel the
tingles swirling around and going into my groin, and my eyes shut
themselves.  "Please?" I whispered blindly.
     "Alright," he finally purred, and I almost died.

***
21:17 22 Jul

     We'd discovered that his bed was about the right height, if we
added a pillow under my knees, and I took another one to pad my
tiny-tits with, and then all I could do was sit there, knees bent and my
ass floating around up in the air, and whimper.
     God, this was humiliating.
     "Please Travis hurry!" I begged, trying and failing to see him over
my shoulder.
     He touched me firmly then, and my head lanced forward and upwards.
     The surge made me breathless, and when nothing else happened I
started panting desperately, trying to get enough air to keep from
passing out.
     "You really DO want it bad," Travis finally noticed.
     "YES damnit!" I screamed, almost sobbing.  "Oh God please ahhhh-" I
didn't finish begging because he was caressing my rear end as he slipped
the panties down my legs.
     I noticed I was moaning and pushing against his hands as he did it
too.
     I started to instruct him, "Just p-uhhhhh," because he was doing it
already, stretching me out a little, and then I felt something poking me
in about the right place and I almost came.
     He stopped, then, and when I caught my breath I groaned at him,
"Travis if you don't hurry up and do this I am going to die, of
exhaustion, please don't tease me PLEASE-"
     I had to stop talking then and concentrate on relaxing because he
was BIG and he was pushing against where I wanted him and then he was
pushing HARDER and it hurt and then it HURT and then I felt him sort of
slide inside me and then-

***
21:24 22 Jul

     It was taking him a lot longer than it did with blowing him, but he
was getting into it, rocking my body back and forth on the bed, almost
rattling the walls, and I was pushing against him, trying to help him-
     "Valerie?" he gasped, like he wasn't sure.
     "Cum inside me, do it!" I gasped, and like I'd hoped, he did,
pushing me forward even further and grabbing my hips hard and pushing
into me even further and then he hung, making little tiny lust-noises
and pulling and pushing just little bits, before he pulled out and we
both collapsed.

***
21:31 22 Jul

     I had cleaned him up carefully, but I knew I needed a shower badly,
and I managed to convince him to let me go.
     "Are you glad you did?" he'd asked me, and I nodded silently into
his chest, my eyes closing as I teared up.  He'd hugged me tight, then,
but I finally managed to convince him that I was a little worried about
myself, that I wanted to be cleaner before we snuggled.
     Luckily, he already thought I was insane, so he let me go with a
chuckle or three, and I'd wiped my face before he could see.
     Now I was standing, letting the hot water wash the pain away.

***
21:40 22 Jul

     "I really need to rest a little bit," I told him, and led him back
over to the bed.  "Would, Travis, would you hold me?" I asked.
     He nodded, and brushed my hair out of my eyes, and I wanted to cry.

***
22:19 22 Jul

     "Can I see you tomorrow night?" Travis asked me.
     "Um, no, I have to get shots after work," I told him.
     "Shots?"
     "Yeah, I mean, Dad's gonna make us update our immunizations before
we go camping, and before school, and I have to get allergy tested, in
case..."  I wanted to cry.
     Maybe I did a little, because Travis pulled me close and said
hurriedly, "It's okay, we'll see each other Friday night, right?  We'll
go someplace nice for dinner..."

***
22:33 22 Jul

     "Come in," Rachel said as I knocked on her bedroom door, and so I
did.  "Hey, hi!"
     "Hi," I said, faking normalcy pretty well.
     "You look really nice tonight," she commented as I came in and
started changing clothes.
     "Yeah, I thought Travis and I could go someplace nice after we got
off work this time..." I continued as I walked over to the closet, "Amy
and I went shopping Sunday, and we picked this dress out, I mean I did
but she liked it and she wants to wear it too, and we got the shoes, I
think it looks really good," I commented as I got some privacy and slid
it off.
     "Hey- oops," Rachel commented from the doorway, apparently coming
to look at the dress and not expecting me to have removed it already.
      And I turned the wrong way.
     "Val you're spotting- you CAN'T be spotting!" she gasped.
"Valerie?!  You're BLEEDING?!"
     I lost all my control, then, and just kind of slumped to the floor
and started to sob.  I hurt so bad.

***
22:48 22 Jul

     I'd almost cried myself sick, but I'd pulled back a little control
before I actually did more than gag a few times, and that was about when
Rachel wiped my face and asked me, "What happened?"

***
22:51 22 Jul

     "Did he RAPE you?" she gasped.
     "NO!" I screamed, and burst out into fresh tears.  "He," I forced
through my own sobbing, "I wanted it, I wanted it so bad, I just didn't
think it would hurt this much..."  It had felt like he was literally
tearing me apart at the seams and I wanted to scream and run but I
couldn't because he was inside of me and I'd literally begged him to do
it and if I stopped it in the middle he'd never trust me again, he was
so sensitive, and I didn't want to hurt him because it wasn't his fault
I just hadn't realized-
     I hadn't realized I was babbling all this either, but I was,
because Rachel was cradling me in her arms and making little affirming
noises like Sheila did when I was on a roll and it hurt so bad and
everyone was being so nice even Travis but I was bleeeeeeeeding-

***
22:54 22 Jul

     "Valerie!  Valerie, please," Rachel begged as she shook me and I
woke back up.
     Unlike most times that I pass out due to blood, this time I knew
instantly where I was and what was going on.
     That's why I curled back up into a little ball and started to cry
again.  Because I'd fucked everything up.

***
22:55 22 Jul

     I heard something that sounded like 'hospital' which is when I sat
up and started begging again, but not for sex this time.
     "No Rachel no please no I'm okay I'm really okay it just hurts a
little and I was upset no please-" at which point I tripped over myself
and fell down trying to grab her and physically keep her from picking up
the phone and delivering me to Hell.
     "Val!" Rachel gasped as I almost fell on her.
     "NOooo!" I moaned, "pleasssss-"
     "Okay okay okay, I won't call-"
     "Oh God thank you thank you I'm okay," I babbled some more, and she
picked my head up and cuddled me again, saying things which sounded
reassuring, and of course if she was with me she wasn't on the phone to
EMS or something.

***
23:02 22 Jul

     "Valerie, if you don't want to go to a doctor or something-"
     "NO!" I repeated.
     "I know, I know," she said reassuringly.  "I mean, but SINCE you
don't," she emphasized, "then you have to let me look at it or
something.  I mean, if it's coming through your underwear it's a lot of
blood..."
     She probably said some stuff after that, but I just said, "Okay,"
and got off her so I could lay down on the floor and almost pass out.  I
really wished she hadn't mentioned the blood thing again, but it was too
late.

***
23:05 22 Jul

     I didn't know she was getting her roommate Dave until I heard his
voice above me go, "Shit!" in amazement.
     "Shit!" I said back and rolled onto one hip before I was paralyzed,
caught between showing my butt to a gay guy and getting blood on
Rachel's closet floor.
     "Gawd, honey, you got it rough tonight," he said, and that started
me up again.

***
23:08 22 Jul

     We'd moved me to the humiliating location of the bathroom, which
was humiliating because it was well lit and I was still in a bra and
thigh-high stockings but no panties, and I had two people looking at my
rear end while I bent over the vanity.  With one of them spreading my
cheeks apart.  And the other one holding a flashlight for extra
illumination.
     "Is this guy into rough trade or what?" Dave asked.
     "What?" Rachel asked, sounding puzzled.
     I just moaned.  Then I yelped when someone put a finger where it
hurt the most.
     "Take it easy, I'm not going to push inside," Dave said in an
attempt to be reassuring which didn't work.  "Relax some, okay?"
     They eventually pried my butt cheeks apart again and then someone
started smoothing something cool and numbing where it hurt.  I would
have been worried about my dignity as I stood there and dribbled tears
and whimpered, if I'd had any dignity left at this point, which I
didn't.

***
23:14 22 Jul

     "So, WHAT happened?" Dave asked as I ever-so-gently sat down on the
pillow Rachel had placed in the dining set chair, and sipped at the
brandy Dave had set in front of me.

***
23:16 22 Jul

     "... and then it just hurt and then it REALLY hurt," I tried not to
resume crying, "and I wanted to tell him to stop but I thought it would
get easier, and I kept trying to relax but it hurt too much and I just
froze-"
     "Did he try putting a finger or two in first?" Dave asked me.
     "What?  No..." I sniffed.
     "Oh, gawd," Dave drawled, looking at the ceiling.  "Did you use
lube, at least?"
     "Yes!  It was a lubricated condom and everything, and-"
     "Wait," Rachel said.
     "JUST a lubricated condom?" Dave elaborated.
     "What else would I use?  WD-40?"
     They both stared at me.
     "WHAT?!" I screamed.
     "Oh you stupid little git," sighed Dave.  He turned to Rachel and
commented, "This is what comes from letting heterosexuals run around
loose and unsuper-"
     "WHAT?!" I screamed again, with more emphasis on the confused part
this time.

***
23:17 22 Jul

     "Like, lots, everywhere," Rachel said gently.  "Even I know that."
     "Well I didn't!"  I tried not sniveling, but it didn't work and I
sniveled anyway.
     Not like I could get any more embarrassed than I was.  Not with
Dave the Fag having fallen off his chair he was laughing so hard, and
screaming, "HOW could you not KNOW to use LUBE?!" when he could find the
breath.
     I would have run away, probably forgetting to add clothing before I
went outside, or stood up and kicked the shit out of him, except Rachel
was holding my face in her boobs and rocking me back and forth.  So I
just cried some more.  I could not have been more embarrassed, which was
most of what was fueling the crying; the pain was dulling at last.

***
23:35 22 Jul

     Haha.  I was wrong before.  NOW I couldn't get any more
embarrassed.
     Because Dave had taken me up to his room and was making me watch
him perform with a dildo.  As a visual aid.  To a sex lecture.  On how
to get butt-fucked.
     Because, he'd said, obviously I needed some kind of instruction
before I could be trusted outside again, and I wasn't really his type of
partner.
     "See how much lube there is and how it's sort of oozing out?" he
commented from his position on the towel, head pointing away from me.
"Val?"
     "I see it," I sighed.  I couldn't not see it.
     Life could not possibly get worse than this.

***
23:39 22 Jul

     "If you don't take the bottle I'll spank you," Dave promised, and I
almost screamed as I tightened up something which didn't need to be
tightened right then.  "Please," he said gently, "Valerie, take the
bottle, I can get another one..."

***
23:55 22 Jul

     "Do you want me to drive you home?" Rachel offered.
     I sniffed, wiped my nose for the billionth time, and shook my head.
"No, I can get it..."  They had pressed another pillow on me as well as
half a bottle of lubricant and the tube of 'numbweed'.  The pillow was
on the driver's seat of my car, and I was going to throw the bottle
through Dave's head if he laughed any more, but I might not because he'd
also given me the anaesthetic gel.

***
23:58 22 Jul

     When I looked at my pager in a fit of paranoia, though, and found
that Travis had send me '88*88', I had to pull into a parking lot and
just cry for a while.

***
00:24 23 Jul

     "Eugene?" Dad asked as I carefully came inside the house.  "You
okay?"
     'No, Dad, I just had anal sex with my boyfriend and it feels like
I'm going to die,' I didn't say.  But I wanted to.
     Instead, though, I managed to say, "Yeah, I just got... caught up
in something."
     "You're late," he reminded me, as if I needed a reminder.
     "I know... and I'm taking the option," I told him, and pulled the
fifty dollars out of my pocket and walked into his office and handed
the money to him.  If I went for the cheaper weeks' grounding this time,
I'd kill myself, I was sure of it.
     "You sure you're okay?" Dad asked suspiciously.
     "Uh, yeah... I've been teaching the kids some self-defense stuff,
and it's catching up with me," I lied.  "I'm kinda sore."
     "Well, better now than on the trail," he said in that sort of Dad
fashion he used when he thought someone was suffering for a good cause.
     "Yeah, that's what I thought," I deliberately smiled at him.
     "Go take a hot shower," he suggested as he stood up and gave me a
hug.  "Maybe a bath."
     "Good idea," I decided.
     "Just take it easy," he cautioned, but it was too late for that.

***
00:26 23 Jul

     "Oh, hey," Amy said sleepily as she woke up.  I managed not to
scream.
     Instead, I said casually, "Oh, hey, you're off right?"
     "Downsizedmmph," she corrected as she sank back into a pillow.
     And she didn't say anything else, which I was happy about, because
I really didn't want to talk right then.

***
00:32 23 Jul

     I had to put one hand over my mouth as I lowered myself into the
warm bathwater.  I knew that if I had actually used 'hot', I'd have
screamed and screamed and that would have drawn unwanted attention,
especially from the parentals.  They got sort of weird about us
screaming in the bathroom; I think it had something to do with Mom's
intolerance for closed doors.
     So I just lowered myself into the water and tried not to make too
much noise.

***
00:45 23 Jul

     I was NOT seeing a faint pink tinge, I was sure; it was just my
overactive imagination.  Which was making me sick.  I wished I could
turn it off.
     The bath was helping a little bit; I was more sore than I'd known,
and in more places.  Maybe I HAD been overdoing it with the kids-
     Which, come to think of it, was going to have to stop tomorrow
morning.  I was still a bit hesitant about walking; there was no way I
could stand all the running around, dodging, and general hip and leg
movement that we'd been doing.

***
00:52 23 Jul

     It was perhaps not surprising that putting the gel on myself hurt
much less than someone else doing it.  I was extremely grateful for the
fact, too; I didn't really feel like waking my sister up or getting my
dad to help.  Hopefully the acetaminophen would help too.

***
00:56 23 Jul

     Amy cuddled me when I slipped into bed but didn't say anything,
which was a relief because I didn't want to talk to her right now.
     I was going to have to think some more, but this seemed like the
kind of thinking that was best done when held in the arms of someone who
loved you.  And Amy, bless her little twisted soul, had said it often
enough that I was sure she meant it in some positive fashion.

***
00:59 23 Jul

     Now, a bit too late, I knew what I'd done wrong mechanically, and
why it had hurt so much worse than I'd thought it would.
     I'd thought that, if ten percent of the population had anal sex at
a rough guess, it had to be at least tolerable for the one 'underneath',
but they hadn't covered the proper procedure in health class.
     *Or English class,* I smiled to myself.
     Health class, in fact, hadn't done much at all in that regard.  Dad
had taught me that I was going to use a condom when I had sex, before I
had really even considered the possibility of having sex, and this was
one of those things that Dad was completely serious about.
     Things that Dad was completely serious about were rare, but never
optional.
     But there wasn't really any kind of question now, about what I was.
     Ho-mo-sex-yoo-wel.
     I was sort of my own worst nightmare come true, actually.  Even if
'Debbie AND Lisa' became common knowledge, they'd just be mercilessly
teased about it, generally socially outcast by the female side, and hit
on a lot more by guys who wanted to do it with either or both of them.
What one guy with one dick was going to do with two girls was something
that had never been explained to me, but it was apparently regarded as
desirable.  Conspicuous consumption, I guess.
     A homosexual male, on the other hand, would basically be under a
death sentence, because 'fags' were something that just about every
group could agree that they hated, which would mean that every group was
gunning for you, and there just wasn't enough paranoia in the day to
keep you safe while imprisoned in school.
     But there was something else there with Travis, because, while I
hadn't actually asked, I sensed that Travis, whatever he might know
about me, would not accept me if I appeared as a guy.  Well, as much of
a guy as I could anyway.  Not much.  But that was a separate issue.
     Somehow, the female identity I was using was important to his own
self-image, and especially the image in the minds of the people around
him.  *How important is it to me?* I naturally wondered at this point.
     It took about two images flashing through my head to convince me
that I didn't really want to meddle with that female self-image in front
of the people Travis knew either.  The images were: me as a 'guy'
holding hands with Travis; and then all of his friends beating me to
death while Travis himself was not there.
     Not much brain required for THAT conclusion.  If I wanted to hang
around Travis, it was going to be pretty much as Valerie, and not as
Eugene.
     But I didn't know what HE saw me as.  *Am I just a guy he can
safely socially date?* I wondered.  *Or does he see me as some sort of
weird girl just with incompatible physiology?  Or something weirder?*  I
didn't know what could be weirder than the truth, and I was pretty sure
I never wanted to know.
     I really wanted to know what Travis felt, in a way, but the only
way I could find out was ask him, and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that.
I might find out.  And, once I knew, I couldn't un-know it.  And once I
asked, he might start thinking about it, and look where that sort of
thing led.  If he'd had a diary, I could have possibly stolen it for a
few minutes and read his thoughts on the matter, but I was pretty sure
he didn't, since I'd seen most of the easy places to hide one and there
hadn't been one there.  That didn't cover things like trick furniture,
of course, but that was a level of paranoid I didn't think he'd gotten
experience points for.
     *He does have brothers,* I remembered, and had to revise my guess.
The FBI was nothing compared to your own siblings.
     But even so, if I learned, I'd still be stuck knowing it, with no
way to get rid of the knowledge.
     I sighed and rolled over, which hurt.
     This would all have been much simpler if he had just stuck to
dinners out or something like that.
     On the other hand, there wasn't any honest denying that I had been
the one to ask for it tonight, and I had been the one to go down on him
the day before.
     *God, only that long...*
     Heck, I'd been the one asking for it from him all summer long.
     I wished I knew what made him so damned exciting.  Because, well,
he was.  I'd never been interested in the guys at school-
     Which, admittedly, was a hostile crowd and therefore not something
to be romantically interested in, once I thought about it a moment.  And
not that I wanted anything to do with any of those assholes anyway.
     *Travis,* I thought.
     He WAS that interesting.  *WHY?*

***
01:02 23 Jul

     *Because,* I finally realized, *because, at least part of it is, I
am sure that he's interested in me.*  He'd almost chased me, not in a
nasty way but he had, and he'd chased me for months.  And after Debbie
broke up with me, he had been there and he'd still been 'after me'.
     I'd liked it when Debbie asked me out.  Usually I couldn't shake
the feeling that someone was going out with me just as some sort of
sympathy deal, or because they wanted something from me and figured that
since I was the one asking, I was desperate.
     Which, come to think of it, was usually true, in some sense.  You
could really get tired of being called a homo simply because you weren't
dating some girl at the time.
     *Not to mention having sex with a guy,* some part of me felt it
necessary to mention.
     *Shut up!* I thought back at it.  *I know already!*
     Of course, I'd lied on occasion before, and I could certainly fail
to mention who I was dating when I was in-
     Come to think of it, I had to remind Dad or Doc Treble to write me
a note excusing me from gym for next year.  Then I could avoid THAT
little den of vipers entirely.
     I made the mental note, and sighed, because I had to go back to
thinking.  The idea of never having gym again was much more appealing
than thinking about the rest of it.
     It was just nice when the person you were dating had chased you,
because if they didn't want YOU they wouldn't have gone to the effort.
So you could sort of know that they wanted you.
     I wanted to be wanted.
     *But by a guy?*
     *Shut UP!* I thought back.
     Obviously, being wanted by a guy was 'good enough'.  Certainly,
he'd turned me on like Debbie hadn't, even the first time with her.
With Travis, I'd literally been out of my mind at times, and I'd done
stuff with him I'd never have done with Debbie, like dry-humping on a
public street until I came.
     I still wasn't quite sure if I'd ever date a girl again, but right
now I had a guy...
     *Watch out!  I gotta guy and I know how to use him!* I thought, and
had to muffle myself.
     And, I had enjoyed the hell out of being with him, and even being
sexual with him.  Except for tonight, *And DAMN that hurt, I dunno if I
want to do that again,* but I knew I might try it later-
     *Why?*
     That was a reasonable question.  It had hurt the last time *Oh GOD
did it hurt!  Shut UP!* so why was I even thinking about doing it again?
Wasn't the dating and cuddling enough?  And if I was worried about
Travis... well, the oral sex-
     *Cocksucker!*
     *FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOAT!* I simmered.
     Talk about brainwashing; I didn't have to let it be known who I was
dating, I'd been programmed to abuse myself.  Damnit.
     I rolled over and stuck my nose back in Amy's breasts.
     *Why don't I want this, instead of him?*
     But, I slowly realized, I DID want this, but AT THE SAME TIME as I
wanted him.  *Not Amy and me AND Travis,* I mentally noted, and tried
not to chuckle out loud.  That would be far too strange.  But, I mean, I
definitely had my nose up my cousin's nightgown, and she didn't appear
to worry about it; in fact, she was sleeping with me instead of with
Susan or up on my top bunk.  So in one sense I already had a girl to
sleep with...
     But I'd never consider doing the things with Amy that I had with
Travis, or Debbie either.  So obviously I'd have to get my sex somewhere
else, or from someone else.
     And that someone else was apparently going to be Travis.
     I had to roll carefully back over again, because thinking about
sex and Travis was an arousing combination.
     I hadn't felt like this before, that I knew of, though.  I'd
thought Susan's cheesecake posters were stupid, and I'd laughed at her
for them.
     *Did he seduce me into this?  'Turn me to the dark side' as it
were?*
     Unless he'd lied, and I didn't think he had, then I'd been close to
his first sexual partner, though.  Which doesn't really fit the profile
of Casanova or something like that.  He was as new at this as I was, if
not more so.  And he was so sweet...
     'Sweet' led to 'tender' which led to 'he holds me' which led to
some embarrassing and exciting thoughts about him and me and I was glad
I'd rolled over before.
     On the other hand, the twinge from my rather ravaged ass reminded
me that I still hadn't figured out, *Why?*
     Most guys, I would guess from hearing them talk, would be more than
satisfied sexually if they had someone to give them oral sex.  At least,
they talked about GETTING blown so much, and I knew they lied most of
the time, that it had to be some sort of semi-universal desire.  And
Travis had not argued about me going down on him.
     So I didn't have to 'go further' for his sake, or to keep him
interested.
     On the other hand, tonight hadn't done it for ME.
     *And THAT,* I realized, *is what _I_ wanted out of it.  I wanted to
feel the same way he did; I wanted him to make me feel like that when he
did.*
     I got back to that 'What does Travis think of me and us?' question
again, because one obvious solution was something like a sixty-nine
where we did each other.  Ignoring the unfeasibility of two sets of
teeth orgasming around two penises - I could guess that was going to end
in some sort of painful tragedy - I still had an unjustified feeling
that Travis wouldn't go for that because that would force him to
confront-
     Hell, he'd have to stick MY PENIS in HIS MOUTH, if he was going to
stick my penis in his mouth.  Which was sort of redundant or something,
but it was definitely true, and more to the point he'd HAVE to
completely accept that I was not what he'd thought I was originally, in
about the most graphic and intimate way possible.
     And he'd only do that if he was interested in me as a guy.
     Which, I was NOT being, if I could be said to be one or the other.
If anything, when I'd been out with him I'd tried to convince people I
was a girl, which wasn't a guy - another statement of the obvious - and
he had been chasing and going after the girl-person he saw, long before
he knew there was something wrong with the picture he imagined.  Or
assumed.
     Or so he said.
     *No,* I semi-decided, *I don't think he was lying to me.  He was
too freaked out when he told me; it had to have been a shock to him when
he found out.*  Which meant that, in his mind, he'd been chasing a girl.
For months.
     *If a guy chases a girl for several months, seeing her whenever he
can, then the sort of assumption you'd make is that he's interested in
her, right?*  I had to agree with myself.  *Otherwise, there's plenty
more where that came from.  And so, if he didn't know, and he was
chasing a girl, then he's sort of coming at things from the straight
side of life.*
     Maybe he was 'bent'.
     I had to restrain another chuckle at that.
     But, yeah, Travis was more a 'bent straight' than he was 'gay', if
I was understanding the way he'd been upset when we had that 'little
talk' about what Lisa had told him, out in his truck that night.  I'd
have been pretty upset myself if Debbie or Shawna (the first girl I'd
ever kissed for real) or someone had had a 'little secret' and I'd found
out.
     'Course, some of that was because of the death sentence I'd be
under if this hypothetical 'we' were ever caught.  *Death by beating has
such an inhibiting effect on the emotions,* I realized.
     *BESIDES that,* I forced myself to concentrate, because I was
getting tired if I was thinking about stupid things like that.
     So if Travis was 'bent straight' - provisionally true - and since I
was close enough to female that I didn't have problems being seen as a
female - which Jessie had shown me tonight, in the bathroom-
     *Jeez, back in October I was freaking out so bad at the idea, and
now I don't even notice when it happens.
     *Back to the point,* I ordered.
     *So,

     if (TRAVIS ~= 'straight') && (#define_emulation_female == TRUE),*

I formalized, *then... then what?*
     *Then, if I want to have sex with him, and if I can't get excited
enough about blowing him to get off myself,* which I hadn't last night,
*and if I DO want to get off during sex,* which I did but I thought was
only fair, *THEN...
     *Then I'm going to try it again, because otherwise I have to
convince HIM to suck some cock and I bet he doesn't want to do that.*
     Pause.
     *This,* I realized, *is where thinking gets you.*
     So I gingerly rolled back over and tried to think where I wanted to
go Friday night, and what I should wear.  I'd leave the question as to
whether to attempt anal sex again, to later on, like that night,
depending on how I felt back there.
     At least it wasn't as sore as it had been.

***
06:00 23 Jul

     I was more than glad to say goodbye to school and the confusion of
what I was supposed to be wearing and who I was dating, and wake up and
say hello to my room and Amy and a day full of babysitting.
     Not that babysitting was that great, but it beat what I'd been
dreaming.

***
06:04 23 Jul

     Susan came out of the bathroom and smiled at me, and I smiled back
and was just about to go in and shut the door when Amy came out of my
room and headed for the bathroom.  That in itself wasn't that unusual;
it was the towel and spare clothes that got me confused.  "Going
somewhere?" I asked Amy, and Susan stopped and turned around.
     "Oh, I mean, can I come with you today?" Amy asked me.  "Susan
won't let me come with her to work," she said, glaring at Susan.
     "THEY won't let ME," Susan protested.
     "Wait, why didn't you ask this earlier?" I asked.
     "Because," Amy replied, "you were asleep, remember?"
     "_I_ was asleep?"

***
06:06 23 Jul

     I took some alone moments in the bathroom to apply some more of
that heavenly gel, and it felt much better, or didn't feel bad which was
about the same thing.  I was glad I'd remembered that I wanted to do
this before Amy came in with me.  I'd sent her down to fetch morning
cokes instead, and I'd been quick about the application so she wouldn't
ask uncomfortable questions.
     I hoped.

***
06:19 23 Jul

     "What are you doing?" Amy wanted to know.
     "Sending some email to Dad, about asking Doc Treble to write me a
note to get out of gym class for next year."
     Amy didn't say anything at first, so I resumed typing.
     "The whole YEAR?"
     I turned to face her and pulled my shirt up.  "Yeah, because I
don't want to have to be even this close to naked in front of a bunch of
junior assholes."  I pulled my shirt back down and away from my face,
and Amy had a welcome look of 'ah' on her face.
     "Hey," she grinned, "do you think she'd write ME a note too, since
mine are bigger than yours even?"
     I threw a pair of dirty underwear at her, which made her squeal.

***
06:53 23 Jul

     I realized, a bit late, that perhaps I didn't want Rachel and/or
Dave, who'd been staring at my rather wounded butt last night - it got
easier to accept thinking about, the more I thought about it - to talk
with Amy, who as far as I knew had no idea I was dating Travis.
     But Rachel just gave me a questioning look, and I flashed her an
'ok' sign and nodded, and she smiled and closed her eyes again.

***


"And after the spanking, the oral sex!"
Dingo, Scene 11, Monty Python's Quest For The Holy Grail


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+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313  6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC
+ http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +


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