This file is a part of Elf Sternberg's Collected Works on ASSTR.  The
complete archive of Elf's work can be found on his website at:

http://www.drizzle.com/~elf

The author can be contacted at:

mailto:elf@drizzle.com

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                              Goodbye, Kris

Journal Entry 000 / 00000

April 21, 1983

Editor's note: This is the first recorded Journal Entry, and it has no
official date, as Pendor did not exist when it was transcripted. The
language of the document is entirely Terran: American Anglic. The Terran
date of this document is April 24, 1983 Anno Domini.

  David Majors Editor and Chief Translator, The Journal Entries of Ken
  Shardik Project 043 / 0686

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Maybe I'm analyzing it too much," I said.

"Maybe you are," Fawn replied. I reacted with a bit of a start, staring
at the computer's speaker; that had been the first thing she'd said all
night, despite the nature of our present course. I drove quietly up I-84
into the heart of New York through a cold night; the rain sheeted off the
car in large gusts, and I drove slowly, the overpriced tires on my heavily
modified '84 Pontiac holding the road more precariously than I preferred.

"Dammit, it's just not fair! Especially not tonight." Inside me,
my thoughts tumbled and churned, the pain in my chest caused by pure
frustration. I was near crying as my thoughts drifted back...

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're leaving." It was not a question.

I rose from the couch where I sat and looked out over a New York skyline
wrapped up in a March midwinter's snow. The flakes fell big and wet
outside her window. I tried not to stand too close to her. "I have to."

"Why?" she asked.

I turned to her and said angrily "Because I have to, okay? Look, I told
you back in August when I met you that this was not supposed to become a
permanent thing, Kris. I told you as soon as my eyes healed I was going
to go again."

"But where are you going?" There was anguish in her voice. I'd heard
her tell tales of her family; I understood why she couldn't stand to
lose someone.

"I can't tell you."

"Ken, please. At least tell me..." She stopped, turned away and walked
to the couch where I'd been sitting. She sat down, and I scowled at the
gesture; we'd basically reversed positions.

"Kris, please. Don't make this any harder for me than it already is. I'm
leaving behind friends that mean a lot to me."

"Yes, I know," she said. "I know. And I know how much you mean to me. Ken,
there was a time, way back in August, where my roommates were telling
me that you were just consoling a widow and not considering the risk,
to quote one of your favorite expressions. But it wasn't that, was
it? How could you know? I mean, remember how we met?"

I smiled. "Our chance meeting was something out of a sitcom, and you and
I both know it." I was close to laughing, and close to tears. "Remember
how you kicked Voll and then jumped ten feet when you realized that was
a dog under the table?"

"How was I supposed to know?" she replied. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you."

"I couldn't see it, thank God. You were the embarrassed one. Besides,
I still find it funny how horrified you were when I started opening
Voll up."

She blushed. "How was I supposed to know your Seeing Eye dog was a robot?"

"Because I'm such an irresponsible bastard that they wouldn't let me
have a real one?"

We both chuckled at that one, and then she repeated herself. "You're
really going, aren't you?"

I nodded. "I might be back."

"When?" she asked, jumping at the idea that I would be back.

"If I am, it'll be in a year or two. A lot will have changed in the time
in between, though."

"Like?"

I paused for a second, and then said, "Oh, I don't know. Take it on faith,
Kris. I'll have something new; I'll be something new. No, that's not
right. I'll be... older, probably. More mature? Maybe, but I'll fight that
every step of the way." She smiled, and we both laughed quietly. "Kris,
have a glass of Tehta' with me. I'll open one of the bottles."

She nodded and smiled. I went and got the bottle and the corkscrew. As
I opened it I reflected on the power of a wine that had never been made
on Earth, but instead on a planet hundreds of light years away. I poured
two glasses.

She accepted the glass quietly, and sipped. "I can't convince you."

"Nope." I paused, sipping my wine. "Kris, where I'm going, what I'm
doing, is so important to me. I've given twelve years to this project,
and I'm not going to stop now. I'm sorry. It's that simple. Meeting you
was an accident compounding another."

"What is the project?" she asked for the Nth time.

"It's really my business, Kris. Trust me, okay?"

"How can I trust you?"

"You have so far."

"But that was... " she paused. "I was going to say that that was the
easy part." She smiled wryly, and said "But it wasn't. You're right. For
a man with no past who pays cash for everything, you're right."

"I don't always pay cash."

"No, you don't. You also pay in gold, but that's rare."

I smiled and put an arm around her shoulders. She shook her head to free
her hair. "Ken, are you going to have any family when you come back?"

I looked at her askew, and said, "Why do you ask?"

"Because you never talk about family. It's like you never had one."

"Oh, I have one. And yeah, I guess when I get back I'll have more. Either
that or I'll never be back."

"Don't say that."

"Why not?" I asked in reply. "I mean, I'm not that important. Your life
will go on without me. Seriously, it will. You've got a good job and
people who care for you. You don't need me."

She looked away. "I want you."

"You can't keep me, Kris. I'm sorry."

"I know." She reached out her arms to ask for a hug. I knelt on the floor
in front of her chair and bent over to hug her. "But sometimes," she said,
"the only way I survive is knowing you're out there, somewhere."

I didn't reply with words, but instead pushed her hair out of the way as
I leaned against her and quietly kissed her neck. She replied the same
way, kissing my neck in return, and when she did the feelings she held
for me shot through my body like lasers, slicing me up. I pulled away
from her to look into her eyes, her pure, jade green eyes. The madness,
the passion I felt for her welled up in me and I fell onto her lips,
kissing her, and she replied, hot and passionate in return. We crawled
over each other, never breaking the kiss for minutes on end. We parted,
and I looked at her, chuckling softly.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"Remember my sense of smell?" She nodded. "I can almost feel your...
scent, the way it rises." I ducked down between her legs and hiked her
skirt up, then hooked one hand through the crotch of her underpants and
struggled to pull them off. She raised herself up above the couch and
helped me. I knelt there on the floor and spread her legs, looking at that
soft cunt into which I had explored so few precious times before. I kissed
her leg, and she cooed in response, sucking in air. I kissed her again,
closer yet to her cunt, then in the light of her living room kissed her
mound just above her pubic hair, that rich rustic red hair that hid her
soft flesh underneath. I kissed again, a little lower, and again.

"You're teasing!" she hissed. I smiled and continued my exploration over
territory not yet easily familiar. I parted the hair with my tongue,
running from the very bottom of her cunt to the top, sluicing to the
left then to the right, probing closely, licking gently, nipping with
my teeth and holding with my lips. What many men think is impossible is
childishly simple to me; I found my way around her magnificently sweet
pussy with my eyes closed, running my tongue between her lips, outer to
inner to outer again, concentrating around her clitoris. She groaned and
I think I heard a note of pain; too sensitive, so I backed off, caressing
the hood with my lips, exciting her further. Running down to her opening,
licking within, then back up. I eased off, smiling (if only to myself)
mischievously, thinking to prolong Kris's need. I kept on gently,
enjoying the feeling, the power. And that's what it is for me, power;
it's confidence, you know what I mean, Fawn? I've never met a woman
I couldn't please with my tongue, so there's that power there. In the
end, I never denied. But it was such an intense ego trip to feel her,
begging me in silence to finish her.

I responded to her crying needs, though, by finally caressing her clit
directly, feeling her gasp as I pushed her further and further into
orgasm, into that damned pleasure that she needed, begged for, and
when she cried out, I felt her relief and her pleasure. But I didn't
stop. Why stop at one? I went on, backing off as I had in the beginning,
since I knew that her clit was going to be far to damned sensitive for
me to start anew from there. I instead ducked a little further down, and
with my hands held her buttocks in my hands and parted them slightly,
licking into the tiny brown hole underneath, and she cooed and giggled
in response to the new and different sensations I was sending her.

I moved back up to her cunt, planting kisses and taking soft bites from
her mons veneris, feeling her pressure me, begging me, and together we
pressed on and crested over her next orgasm.

And on, but she stopped me suddenly, pushing my head away from her
cunt with a trembling hand, saying "No more, please. That's... that's
too much.  That's enough." She gasped, dragging in huge breaths that
made her breasts heave and shudder.

I rose and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, holding her and caressing
her. "Thank you," I whispered in her ear.

"No..." she said. "Thank you, Ken. That was wonderful." We sat together
on the couch, slowly calming down.

I stood and extended my hand. "Come on." She looked up at me, and nodded.
She took my hand and I led her into the bedroom, closing the door behind
me in case Donna, her roommate, came home. I doubted it; she'd been
sleeping over at her boyfriend's place a lot recently, but you never know.

Inside, I let go of her hand; she was extremely passive suddenly, letting
me lead in everything. I walked around behind her and unzipped her skirt,
letting it fall to the floor. I removed the T-shirt she wore, the one
I'd given her that said "Heroes aren't hard to find," and then undid her
bra, releasing her wonderfully large breasts. She looked down and said
"I'm gaining weight."

"I like you like this," I replied. "You know, I look at someone as skinny
as Donna and go 'yuck, bruises.'"

She smiled. "Do you really like me like this?"

"Kris, I love you like this. If you were obese, that's different, but
being what society calls 'overweight' is what I consider beautiful. It's
what you are, it's healthy, cuddly, soft and wonderful. You're the kind
of woman I could hold all night long." She smiled, and I said "Lie down,
on your stomach."

She complied and, fully clothed, I straddled her thighs, settled down
gently, and began to rub her back. She moaned appreciatively as I caressed
her back, and then I rose off her to rub each leg, my hands roaming up
until they nestled against her wet pussy, then moving to the other leg,
then up to her magnificently shaped ass, and as I caressed her buttocks
the sight and scent of her cunt, barely exposed between her legs, worked
on my brain.

When I felt I was finished my hands gently ran along her skin to her
shoulders. I changed the angle of my fingers so that my nails were pressed
into her skin and carefully scratched her. She moaned so loudly I was
taken aback, almost losing touch with her body. She liked that? I shook
my head to clear it and returned to my scratching. She cooed and moaned,
louder and firmer as I became bolder and scratched harder, leaving little
red trails in her skin as I did. I scratched her from her shoulders to her
buttocks, but when I scratched over her ass her moans soothed and quieted.

I don't know why I did what I did next; it was simply the right thing
to do, and I did it: I drew one hand away and brought it down hard onto
her ass with a slap.

Her head shot up, turned to the side and back towards me, eyes closed,
and although she was completely silent the expression on her face was
unmistakable. She wasn't looking at me; she had turned her head so I could
see the approval on her face. I repeated the slap again, and this time she
buried her face in the pillow, and a loud moan escaped her. I smiled, but
inside I agonized. It wasn't fair, to discover such a new and fascinating
aspect to this wonderful woman on the damned day I was leaving!

I returned to my scratching, but with only one hand, the other struggling
to remove my shirt, my belt, my shoes. Sometimes quickly, sometimes
slowly, I scratched. I opened my pants and removed them, throwing them
aside. I straddled her again, settling again onto her thighs so that
from where I was I could see her back and her ass. I scratched again,
now with both hands, and as I did I would occasionally bring my hand
down in a sharp slap. She cooed and moaned and once, just once, I heard
her whisper "harder, please." My cock, hard and insistent, bobbed up
and down against the juncture of her glorious and reddening buttocks. I
leaned over, pressing my cock against her ass, and said "Kris?"

"Yeah?" she breathed.

"Remember the last time we went out, and I said that I wanted to make
love to you in this position, with you face down? Well, I'm going to." Her
response was a simple "Uh-huh" of affirmation.

I rose up and gave her ass a few more sharp slaps, and she moaned and
writhed in response. I placed my hands on her buns, and with my thumbs
slowly parted them. The opening of her vagina was barely visible between
her legs, and I positioned my cock downward and pushed.

It slid in a little, and I withdrew less, and pushed in further. Slowly,
in five gentle jolts I slid in until the entire length of my cock was
within her. My hips connected with her buttocks, and I laid down on top
of her. "Like that?"

"Yessss..." she whispered. I lifted my hips to withdraw, and slid back
into her. Kris was incoherent as I began to fuck her slowly and gently. I
wanted it to last forever. It was probably going to be the last time ever.

I fucked her, and her moans became louder and higher in pitch. I felt a
long way off from my orgasm, and hers was coming on already. I reared up
and back to support my weight on her thighs, and with my hands on her
waist I began to fuck her in earnest, hard and insistent. Kris buried
her face into the pillow and screamed as her orgasm washed over her. I
smiled, but inside I hurt. We'd always made love in the missionary
position before, or with her on top; and she came reluctantly that
way. Why now?  Why did I have to learn today that from this angle I was
hitting something, something pleasurable and vital, some spot within
her that drove her to orgasm almost instantly? I deliberately stuffed
the thought into the background and concentrated on her.

I fucked her, and she cooed more, louder, her next orgasm coming on
the ebbing of the first, and I kept on. I leaned over after the third,
and I said "Like that?"

"Uh-huh," she whispered.

"You know you belong to me, little kitten," I said, using a nickname I
hadn't used for her in a few months. "I could from here take your ass,
you know that... You've never given it to me, but I could take it if I
wanted to, you know that," and she nodded, slowly. "But I won't. I'll save
it for later, for another time. I'll satisfy us both with making love to
you, feeling you pinned underneath me, my possession, my wonderful lover."

"Yesss...." she whispered, and I remained lying over her as I began to
fuck her harder still, jealously and greedily heading towards my own
orgasm. Her moans had ceased to be coherent, and instead she whispered
a high-pitched keening as her orgasm came on. I leaned down towards
her and she craned her neck back towards me and we kissed, our tongues
meeting softly. Kris had always been the best kisser I'd yet known,
and tonight she was perfect. My cock began to hurt from the raising
pressure, and when I came I buried my face in her hair, her neck, to
keep from screaming aloud.

We stopped, me on top of her, catching our breath. I rolled off of her,
and we hugged and kissed and held each other.

Then it was suddenly like a switch had been thrown. Kris sat up and said
"You're late. You should get going."

"Kris, I don't have to be anywhere in particular until dawn. I don't
have to head out immediately, please. I have time."

"I..." She stopped, and sat down again in my lap, crying, holding me. I
held her back, awkwardly trying to figure out what I should do with a
crying woman other than hold her.

"Kris, remember earlier when you stopped me from licking you because
'it was too much?'" She nodded. "Well, one of these days I'm going to
tie you down to a bed and lick you for four or five hours, just so you
can't stop me."

Her eyes widened in... fear? delight? Who knows? She smiled, and wrapped
her arms around me, hugging me closely. "Come on," she said. "Let's
get dressed."

We dressed slowly, and I kissed her nipples as I helped her put her shirt
back on. She smiled at me, and without much of a word I took her hand. She
locked the door behind her even though she wasn't going to be gone long;
she just wanted to walk me to my car. We rode the elevator down to the
basement parking, and I found the car just where I'd left it. I keyed
the door and opened it. I turned back to where she was standing, one
nail stuck between her teeth. I'd never seen her bite her nails before.

"Kris,"

"No," she said. "Don't say it. Please." Her whisper was begging me.

"'Kay. You take care."

She backed away from the car and said, "Oh, sure. I'll be okay. No
problem. I'll go on, right? Yeah. There's always tomorrow, right?"

"Kris..." I said. "Oh, fuck it." I ran to her, taking her up in my arms
and holding her close to me, holding her so fucking tight I never wanted
to let her go, and she broke down then, crying, really crying, sobbing,
and I joined her, too. Her sobs came hard, rough, and then slowly they
settled down, and finally she extracted herself from me and looked up
into my eyes. There were tears staining her cheeks, and I wiped them
away with my thumbs as I took her face in my hands.

"You know," I said, "I have to be back. I've never met someone I knew as
well as you. I mean, we've never talked about it, but I knew how hard
to slap, to scratch, how far to push it. It wasn't... I don't know how
I knew, I just felt it. I just knew. I'm sorry."

She nodded, and smiled then, and I think I was looking at the real Kris
this time, no faces or masks. "I'll be okay now, Ken. You'd better go
before I change my mind." I nodded slightly, and slowly I lowered myself
into the car. I pulled on the headlights of the Pontiac, and they rose
into place, illuminating the garage. I started the engine, pulled it
into reverse, and slowly backed out of the parking slot. The last sight
I had of Kris was of her leaning against her grey Thunderbird, her head
bowed and her hands pressed against her forehead, crying silently. My
heart broke, but somehow I managed not to turn around. Places to go,
things to do at any cost. I pulled out into the Manhattan winter,
heading north.  Crying.

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"Which brings us back to where we are now. It's so damned unfair to have
learned so much, to have explored so little, with a person I care that
much about, on the night that I'm leaving. I mean, the playful spanking,
the intense feelings..." I said.

"You will miss her," Fawn said, quietly. "I will too."

"I thought you didn't like her."

"I changed my mind," the computer replied, sounded apologetic.

"Fawn, prepare transit drive, program Primary Site, Pendor."

"It's already loaded."

"Then let's go." I said. One Pontiac-shaped starship blinked out of
existence.

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In the beginning, this universe was void, and without form.

And Shardik said, "Let there be light."

And there was light.

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Editor's Postscript: Kris Long Anders emigrated to Pendor on 054/0108
(Terran: March 8, 1992). She was consulted in the preparation of this
document.

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Original document is available from:
http://www.drizzle.com/~elf/journals

The Journal Entries of Kennet R'yal Shardik, et. al., and Related Tales
are Copyright (c) 1989-2000 Elf Mathieu Sternberg. Distribution limited
to electronic media not-for-profit use only. All other rights are reserved
to the author.
