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Raising a Tuckus -*- Copyright 2001 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
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All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Raising a Tuckus


***
17:55 5 Jul

     I looked over at Pam's plate, which was kind of sparse.  "Pam?"
She looked up.  "Eat more; you're offending the cooks if you don't."
     "I am!" she protested.
     "Not enough," Kim said, who looked like she was holding the rest of
Pam's food on her plate.
     "Pam, all the food's been blessed.  It has NO calories," I
explained.  "It's holy food."
     As Pam laughed helplessly, Kim covertly dropped some more on Pam's
plate and winked at me.  I winked back, while the rest of the girls
smirked.
     "Mmmm!" Ellen exclaimed, and I looked over to see what she was
eating.  MY potato salad, it turned out.  "Mmmmmmmmmmm," she smiled
happily.
     "Yes!"  Meanwhile, _I_ wanted to try some of that gumbo.  So I did.
     It was a dark greenish-brown, and smelled of dark secrets, and
bubbled a bit, and had unnameable things poking out of it along with the
rice.
     It tasted orgasmic.

***
18:02 5 Jul

     "What's with the, the beer?" Kim asked discreetly.
     I looked, and mine was still sitting upright in the grass.  "What?"
     "Aren't you worried about getting caught with that?"
     Ooops.  I'd forgotten to explain that part.  "Um," I said as I put
my plate down.  "Ladies and gentlemen," I said to my friends, "Kim
reminded me I forgot to mention the alcohol policy in effect here
tonight."  Mike and Dan chuckled; they already knew it.
     "What?" Kim asked, and poked Mike.
     "Three rules.  The first and most important rule is, don't get
drunk.  If you do, someone will think up something BAD to do to you," I
said.  "And if you drink anything, it's your own choice, so don't go
complaining about what happened later on, 'cause nobody's making you
drink it.  And if you go out front, where other people can see you,
don't get caught."
     They stared at me like I'd just started singing in Italian or
something.
     "Susan did it once," Mike said, startling everyone else, "got
drunk, and Tuck's dad let us take most of her clothes off and duct tape
her to a chair.  She was, uh..."
     "Fourteen," I supplied.  "We were eleven.  And Dad took away the
pictures we took."
     "Nuh..." Sabrina started to disagree before she thought better of
it.
     "You can ask Susan, or Dad-  On second thought, DON'T ask Susan,
'cause she still holds a grudge about it."  And when she held a
grudge...
     "What did they do to you?" Kathy asked me.
     I flinched.  "You think I'd be stupid enough to get drunk after
THAT?"
     Mike added, "She used to torture us with what she'd do if we did,
any time we'd even look at the bar."  I shuddered in recollection.

***
19:08 5 Jul

     "Jill?" I said as I caught her as we both went back for lazy
thirds.
     "Yeah?"
     "If you call me tomorrow to go to breakfast, or wake me up, or
anything," I mentioned, "I am going to hunt you down and cut out your
tongue.  And maybe amputate your dialing fingers.  Are we all clear on
this?"
     "What, you can't be THAT tired?" she grinned.  I slapped at her
shoulder, and she grabbed it and twisted my arm behind my back.
     Then she screamed and let go, and I turned around in time to see
Jill trying to decide whether to chase Amy or not.  "She pinched me!"
Jill complained, apparently deciding not to and turning around to
complain at me instead.
     "I don't think she wants to get up early either," I mentioned, and
she slapped at me, so I grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back,
lightly, and then someone else poured ice down the back of my pants.
"AHHHHH!" I said, starting to dance.
     And since ice down my pants apparently wasn't humiliating enough,
John my eldest virtual cousin started to clap his hands in rhythm and
started chanting, "Swingyourpartner 'round, do-si-do, one more dance
and then-ya-gottago..."

***
19:18 5 Jul

     I watched Dad, as he snuck towards Uncle Lanier, with bated breath.
"Oh, god, be quiet but watch Dad," I whispered urgently to the girls.
They all turned and were thankfully silent.
     Dad actually managed it this year; he got right next to Uncle
Lanier, and tapped him on the shoulder.  When Uncle Lanier turned around
to look, the sheet cake went right across his face and wrapped perfectly
around and down his head.
     I fell down laughing, as did most of the family, but the girls
squealed or otherwise indicated dismay.  I wanted to tell them to shut
up but I was laughing too hard.  Luckily, Uncle Lanier still had a PA
system embedded in his lungs 'cause he shot upright and bellowed out,
"MMmmmm!  CHOCOLATE!  My FA-A-A-A-VORITE!"
     That made everyone else fall down laughing too, including Aunt
Louisa, which was a bad move because Uncle Lanier grabbed her and kissed
her like he meant it, which made sure she was wearing almost as much
cake as he was.
     "I would've said that was a waste of a good cake," Kathy drawled
loudly, "but it looks like he's gonna use it after all."  THAT broke
Uncle Lanier up, which was a RARE event.

***
19:20 5 Jul

     "Well," I explained, still chuckling a little as I watched them
wash off with the hose, "apparently it started when Mom and Dad had just
gotten married, and they went to visit Uncle Lanier.  Dad went to get
some pie for dessert from the kitchen, but he got involved in kissing
Mom," which was sort of gross but I tried not to think about it, "and it
took too long, so when he finally came out of the kitchen, Uncle Lanier
didn't look around, he just yelled out, 'Hey Stinky!  Where's-'"
     "STINKY?!" Julia gasped, a hand over her mouth.
     "That's another story, you gotta ask Dad about that one," I said.
*He never did tell me- wait, he told me that bad night out in the park.
Heheheheh...*  That made it even funnier...
     "So anyway," Susan continued, since I couldn't talk for a bit, "so
anyway, Uncle Lanier said, 'Hey Stinky!  Where's my pie?'  And Dad gave
it to him, right on top of his head-"
     "Oh no," Kim gasped, giggling.
     "Yep!  But, next year, they went down to visit again, and this time
Uncle Lanier has a pie HIDDEN, and slips it to Dad's face when he wasn't
expecting it.... and next year Dad does it to Uncle Lanier, and so on
and so on.  This year was Dad's turn to pitch."
     "You people are completely psycho," Sabrina laughed.
     "You need some SERIOUS therapy," Julia added.
     "Three Stooges Family Counseling Center," I agreed, and Susan waved
her hand up and down my face before poking at my eyes.
     "Woowoowoowoowoowoo!" crowed Brian from somewhere in the crowd, and
there was a slap noise.

***
19:46 5 Jul

     "Va-Tuck?"
     I looked up, and it was Kim, looking concerned.  "Oh, hey," I said,
and smiled for her.
     "What's up?" she asked, and sat down on the couch next to me.
     I shrugged.  "It just got a little much.  I thought I'd come in and
have some quiet for a bit."  I caught a whiff of something, and looked
over to see she had a tumbler of something alcoholic.
     She nodded.  "Can I sit with you for a bit?"
     "Yeah, s'okay," I said, and she scooted closer, until we were
touching.  I put an arm around her, and she smiled at me, and we sat
there for a while.  I guess she wanted some quiet too.

***
20:02 5 Jul

     "Hey Tuck, there you are," Amy said amidst the sounds of a house
starting to fill up again with people.  "Hey Kim."  I took my arm off
Kim so I wouldn't have to explain things to people, but then Amy plopped
down next to me and put an arm around me anyway.  "We got people to wash
dishes and stuff-"
     "Not us, right?" I made sure.
     "Nnnnnope!" she grinned, and we slapped hands.  Cook's privilege.
"Anyway, what some of us were thinking is, we could crank up the stereo
in front of the house or something.  You wanna?"
     I looked at Kim and she shrugged, then nodded.  "At least we don't
have to pay cover," she said, which was sort of true.  "You feel
better?"
     I nodded.  "You?"  She nodded too.
     "What?" Amy asked.
     "It just got noisy for a bit," Kim said, "and we wanted a little
time off, y'know?"
     "If you wanna go hide upstairs for a bit..." Amy offered.
     "I think I'm okay now," I decided.  "Kim?"
     She smiled at me.  "No problem."

***
20:14 5 Jul

     The tremendous bass thumps of "Rag Doll" started booming into the
crowd.  I wondered who the hell had done that until I saw my parents
duck out of the house and start like ballroom dancing with each other.
That was kinda gross, but then my cousin Rachel grabbed me and started
doing the same thing, and then I was too busy trying to keep the beat
and my balance to worry about who else was dancing.

***
20:18 5 Jul

     Kim and I started doing bebop at each other at the end of the song,
and then my girl cousins got into it, as did Julia and a couple other
girls, and then it was this weird braided vocal harmony as we went
everywhere but sort of hung around each other too.  It sounded really
good to me, and I guess to a lot of the others too, because we all got
cheers when the song finished and so did we.
     Then someone - probably Mike - cranked up 2 Unlimited, and it was
definitely Mike that started howling, but Kathy cranked her head up and
then the whole party was screaming before we got down to some serious
dancing.

***
20:54 5 Jul

     Another nice thing about dancing at my house was that I knew where
I could find a garden hose and a spray nozzle.  I hosed myself down, and
I was going to turn the faucet off when someone took it away from me.  I
ducked and evaded, but Delilah just laughed at me before she sprayed
herself.  Then some kid Brian had brought got it, and HE tried spraying
everyone, but there was some panic around him and then it stopped, and I
saw Susan come out of it grinning.
     "Tribal Dance" slid into "Synchronicity" about the time I grabbed
Ellen and started to dance with her.  At least now I knew what CD Mike
had grabbed.  It hadn't been a good one; I had gotten a lot better since
I made that one.
     "With one breath,
      With one flow,
      you will know,
      Synchronicity!" I chanted with my eyes closed.
     "A sleep trance,
      A dream dance,
      A shared romance,
      Synchronicity!"
     I opened my eyes and saw Ellen had been replaced by one of Susan's
friends I didn't know, but I was into the trance and didn't care.

***
21:16 5 Jul

     "Ladies with an attitude.
      Fellahs that were in the mood.
      Don't just stand there let's just do it,
      strike a pose there's nuthin' to it,
      Vogue!"
     I froze, like a lot of people did, and got blinded by a strobe
light.  "Beauteous!" Kathy crowed from out of the flare-blindness.

***
21:38 5 Jul

     Jill and I were writhing around each other for Prince and When
Doves Cry, and I was wondering how well we were doing, 'cause I thought
we were putting on a pretty good show.  We seemed to have a sense of
rhythm between the two of us, and she didn't mind doing things I hadn't
seen except in music videos, and I wasn't going to let her embarrass me
this time, so we'd been dancing that way the entire song.
     I sort of thought that it had to look like a game of Twister
crossed with a video on the Kama Sutra, but I wasn't sure, since I was
in the middle of it, and of course it was a lot more boring and tense
inside it than watching it.
     I guessed we had done rather well when the song ended and the hose
was turned on us and Susan yelled, "Al-RIGHT already!  Enough with the
dry humping!"  Jill broke away from me, screaming frantically, and so I
rolled out and went the other way.  Susan followed me with the stream,
like I sort of expected, so I found the nearest bunch of her friends and
dashed over towards them.  Susan didn't catch on soon enough, and the
not-too-tight stream of water blasted a lot of her friends as I went
through the little cluster.
     Of course, I laughed like a maniac as I kept running.

***
23:09 5 Jul

     Sabrina grabbed my shoulder and pulled me around the corner of the
house.  "Val?" she said into my ear.
     "Yeah?" I panted.  The music had gotten slower and so had everyone
else, but it was still hard work after a couple of hours.
     She sighed, and pulled me down on the grass.  "I don't know what to
do..."
     "Huh?"
     "I thought, I mean..."  She sighed again.  "It's been REALLY fun
here tonight."
     When she didn't say anything else, I hesitantly tried, "Well, but
that's good, right?"
     She smiled at me.  "Yeah... but we were gonna have a sleepover
tonight?"
     "Yeah?"
     "I think we're all gonna be too tired to do anything except sleep,"
she said.
     "Oh."  I was missing something.  "Is that bad?"
     She shrugged.  "Usually we spend it talking and stuff?  Catch up on
how our lives are going, who's dating who and how it's going, stuff like
that, you know?"  I nodded.  "I think I'm gonna go to sleep instantly
when I get home."
     "Oh..."  Now I got the idea.  "Uh-"
     "So what I was thinking, maybe we could do it next week somewhere?"
she continued, instead of blaming me for screwing things up like I was
going to do.
     "Uh what?  Y-  I mean, yeah that'd be cool," I said when I got my
brain back on track.

***
23:27 5 Jul

     Things had really gone downhill when the cops showed up, but unlike
I expected (someone going to jail or something like that), we just
turned the outside speakers down to conversational level and changed
CD's again.
     So now we were all sitting around on the lawn, talking.
     "They look kind of weird," Pam said.
     "Who does?" I asked.
     She gestured off into the darkness, and when I looked I saw Brian's
friends sitting on the lawn and looking over at us.
     "Why?" I asked.
     Julia laughed at me, from her position in Mike's lap.  "I think
they don't know what to make of you, Tuck."
     "What?"
     She gestured around at the girls that were piled up around us,
including a lot of Susan's friends and my girl cousins as well.  "You
see any girls over there?"
     I looked.  "No?"
     "Well," she said, and shrugged as she leaned back, like that
explained everything right there.
     "Somebody ought to go get them, or something," said one girl, and
Kathy got up with a gleam in her eye.  I started to laugh, because I had
an idea of what was coming.

***
23:29 5 Jul

     Or I thought I had.  I'd thought she would chase them down and make
them do something disgusting, like sit with us.  Instead, she got up,
walked over to them, and then threatened them with chasing them down and
inflicting pain if they didn't immediately move into a more sociable
position.
     They thought about it, and then they did, but they didn't come sit
by us.  I couldn't really blame them.

***
23:41 5 Jul

     "No way you can remember the whole thing," said one of the guys.
     "Bet me?" Julia challenged.
     "Five bucks..." said the overconfident friend of Susan's, and Julia
grabbed his hand and shook it.
     "Idiot," was Sabrina's comment as she pushed up out of my lap to
watch.
     Julia took a deep breath as she stood up.  "To be, or not to be,
that is the question.  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea
of troubles, And by opposing end them?"  She sighed.  "To die... to
sleep... No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the
thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to- 'tis a consummation
devoutly to be wished."
     I guessed that Mike was going to imitate George imitating Beavis
and chortle something like, "Heheheheheh, she said 'consummate'," but
Julia kicked him right as she finished the sentence and he got out the
first 'heh'.  "To die, to sleep," she repeated without missing a beat,
then waited for the applause to die down.  Even Mike was applauding.
     "To sleep! Perchance to dream..."  She sort of deflated.  "Ay,
there's the rub," she admitted.  "For in that sleep of death, what
dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give
us pause.  There's the respect," she nodded, like she'd just figured it
out, "that makes calamity of so long life.  For, who?" she asked the
question of all of us, "Who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the
oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, the pangs of despised
love, the law's delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that
patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus
make with a bare bodkin?"  She let us think about that.  "Who would
these fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the
dread of something after death - the undiscovered country, from whose
bourn no traveller returns - puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear
those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of?"  She looked
around at us. "Thus," she announced, "conscience does make cowards of us
all.  And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the
pale cast of thought.  And enterprises of great pith and moment, With
this regard, their currents turn awry, and..."  Julia spoke the last bit
quietly and solemnly.  "And lose the name of action."
     She collapsed on the ground, ending up posed on the grass, as the
rest of us applauded wildly.
     "I think you owe da lady five bucks," I mentioned to the older guy.
     He sighed, and dug in his pants, but he didn't argue.
     Julia took it, smiled in thanks, then looked up and saw Amy coming
towards us, then stood up and swept one arm out and declaimed, "The fair
Ophelia!  Nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered!"
     After a pause, Amy replied, "What?" which made us laugh.

***
23:46 5 Jul

     "Tuck?" I looked up, and it was Amy.  "C'mere."
     "What?" I asked testily.
     "I need you right now," she said, staring into my face.
     "'Kay, coming," I said, and beckoned to Mike and we both got up and
followed Amy into the house.  Down the hall, up the stairs, and around
to Susan's room...
     "Hi guys," Kim smiled at us.
     "So?" I said before Mike could.
     "She is sloshed," Amy stated.
     "I am not!" Kim disputed.
     Mike looked at her, then commanded, "Stand up."
     She did, wavered for a bit, then sat back down on the bed.  Not, I
judged, especially voluntarily.
     "You're sloshed," Mike stated.
     "I am not, I'm FINE!" she countered.
     "So," Mike said, backing up, "Get up and walk over here."  He
leaned against the doorframe.
     Kim sighed.  "I'm a little woozy, okay?  I am not drunk-"
     "Too drunk to risk going down earlier," Amy said to us.
     Mike and I looked at each other.
     "What is the big deal?" Kim complained.
     "Weren't you listening?" I asked her.
     She laughed.  "They wouldn't do that to me- I mean, I'm a guest!"
     Pause.
     "Are you REALLY that stupid?" Mike asked incredulously.
     "Would they?" Kim asked me or Amy, or both.  We nodded at the same
time.  "Nuh uh," she disputed.
     Mike snapped, "If you don't believe it, you can go downstairs and
pretend everything's fine, and see where you end up-"
     "I'd rather see her again, alive," I told Mike.  "Kim, you might
end up... I don't even want to think about it.  Brian has all his
friends here, and who knows what the little brats would do with a real
live drunken woman?  You could be FAMOUS," I said, adding the intonation
that meant that famous was a terrible thing to be in this context.
     Kim's face told me she was beginning to appreciate the problem.
     "You AIN'T driving," Mike stated.  "Want me to take you home or, or
something?"
     Kim sighed.  "We were gonna go sleep over at Sabrina's tonight-
Val, you coming?"
     "Not tonight, it'd be too hard to explain to my folks."  I
shrugged.
     "'Kay," Kim said.  "Mike, can you help me up and down to the porch?
I'm just having problems walking."
     *'Just',* I thought.  At least, if we stayed with her, she might
escape without serious problems.
     "Wait," Mike said, "I got an idea."
     "Oh, no," I said.  "I have a better and simpler idea."

***
00:38 6 Jul

     It had finally started to wind down after midnight, and most of the
girls were going off, maybe to Sabrina's place to sleep, because we were
all tired, and I was sort of looking forward to maybe a quick shower and
then bed myself.
     The hugs and kisses started with the girls I knew, and then before
I realized what was happening it was with girls I didn't know, and
Rachel-not-my-cousin, and at least two grown-up women, probably from
Mom's office since I didn't know them from Dad's, and then my girl
cousins came through.
     "Since when did you start doing that?" Delilah asked me, about the
time I figured out who she was.  That was after I'd kissed her on the
cheek.
     "Um... since I saw you last?" I said, which was perfectly true.
     And not what she wanted, because she ruffled my hair violently and
demanded, "Come on, Tuck, whatsup?"
     "I LIKE girls, what's wrong with that?" I shot back at her.  Then I
shrieked and jumped about two feet forward, because someone had grabbed
me from behind.
     "Jes' a lil' nervous since that soap incident," Kathy drawled
lazily, grinning.
     I sighed, and tried to calm myself down.  "Yeah yeah, real funny,
Kath.  Did you- you met Delilah, right?"  They both nodded at me.  "Kath
is one of my friends from school; she's the biggest and meanest of them
all."
     "And Tucker is just so-" Kathy grabbed me and picked me up.
"-CUTE!"  I would have protested except she was squeezing me so hard I
could only squeak.
     "Cute?" Delilah said skeptically.
     "Ehrk!"  I waved, trying to get her attention.
     "Very cute," Kathy nodded.
     "Ahk!"  *Warning, oxygen decreasing to critical levels!*
     "I think you're squeezing him too hard," Delilah observed.  I
nodded frantically.

***
01:07 6 Jul

     "Ooooh," Amy commented as she slid into bed next to me.  "I'm so
tired..."
     "Me tooooo," moaned Susan from above us.
     "Mgh," I added as I wrapped an arm around Kim.  Kim snored softly.

***
08:39 6 Jul

     The phone flashed once.
     I looked at it.
     It flashed again.
     The rats squeaked at me, so I killed the phone and turned back to
helping them write out their treaty presentation.  It was hard, but at
least we spoke the same language, or almost.  I just had better
penmanship.

***
10:57 6 Jul

     Someone kissed me awake, and it wasn't my sister... waking me,
f'rinstance, in front of several of her friends to make fun of me.  Or
take pictures of me.  Or-
     "C'mon," said Jill's voice, and someone - Jill, I guess - kissed me
again on the cheek.  "Wake up already!"
     I opened one eye, and it was Jill, smiling at me.

***
10:58 6 Jul

     "Wake UP!" someone shrieked, and I sat up.  It was Jill.
     "Why?" I asked her.
     "Because I'M here," she said like it was the most obvious thing in
the world.
     "'M'n'hrrrr," Kim slurred.

***
11:22 6 Jul

     After a cold shower - I hate cold showers - I was downstairs, and
being drafted into helping heat a number of things up again.  I might
have minded if they weren't our leftovers, but they were good.  Jill had
gotten here just in time to help warm them up, and they were going to be
eating them for the second time in two days.
     I just wish I knew what had happened to my wimp phone.  I'd found
it by the door, smashed, when I got up.  All I could remember was
something about rats, which made no sense.

***
13:02 6 Jul

     'Strangely', which is to say perfectly predictably, Mike came by
about the time we were setting the tables outside for Round Two, so he
got to eat again.
     There's nothing quite like sitting on the porch, stuffed to the
ears with good food, and listening to a baseball game on the radio as
you digest lunch.  Perhaps coincidentally, that's what we were all
doing.  Even Jill, before she went to work.
     "Can I run away and come home with you?" Kim lazily asked Aunt
Louisa, who chuckled appreciatively.  Kim looked a whole lot better than
I would have imagined, considering how she was the night before.

***
13:55 6 Jul

     I was going to have to smother Susan tonight, because it was her
fat mouth that mentioned to John and his wife that I was babysitting an
infant just like the Football - he needed no name, and I couldn't
remember it anyway, after I heard John and his wife calling him
'Football' -  and I could be trusted to take care of it for a while.
     #FLASH#
     *I will also have to kill Delilah,* I decided as the Football and I
blinked furiously and she cackled and made advancing-film noises with
her camera.

***
14:29 6 Jul

     The riotous laughter got me to look up, and it was Brian, pointing
and laughing.  "Brian?"  I waited until he stopped before I continued,
"You can either make a really kiss-ass apology right now, or I can go to
Mom and Aunt Louisa and talk them into you needing to learn how to
change diapers too.  Which is it?"
     "I am really sorry I laughed," he said solemnly, "and I wish I had
ripped my own tongue verily out of my mouth and thrown it on the fire
instead of offending you."
     We both knew what Mom and Aunt Louisa would have said if I'd gone
to them.
     "I give it a six and a half," said Delilah as she walked past,
before she looked in.  "Having fun, Tuckling?"
     I hated being called 'Tuckling'.  "No.  You wanna do this?"
     "Nope!" she said cheerfully, and took Brian with her.
     "Ahhaha!" said the small one and tried to piss in my face, but I
was wise to this trick, despite the girl I usually dealt with, who
couldn't aim like this one could.
     "Loser," I sneered when he ran out of urine without pissing on
anything but a diaper, and the dirty one at that.

***
15:19 6 Jul

     "You know, I could be happy not cooking for a long time after
this weekend," I mentioned.
     Mom and Aunt Louisa both looked at me, then looked at each other.

***
15:21 6 Jul

     On the other hand, being tossed into the living room to watch a
game on the big telly was not my idea of recreation either.  I sighed,
and I was going to get up and leave until Amy patted the place next to
her.  So I sat next to her and went to sleep.

***
15:49 6 Jul

     "Here, you hold 'im," someone said as I was ungently moved.  I
opened my eyes, and it was my sister holding me, but she didn't smell
annoyed, and she stroked my hair like she did sometimes, and so I went
back to sleep in her lap.

***
17:24 6 Jul

     "Oh, har har," I commented, squinting at the Polaroid of me and
John's baby, both asleep on someone's lap.  At least _I_ wasn't
drooling.
     "You do look cute," Kim smiled at me.
     Mike sighed dramatically.
     "I think," I said casually, "I'll go nip off and shoot myself."
     Kim grabbed my hair.  "No you won't."
     I pulled experimentally, and it seemed I wouldn't.  "Mike, get me a
potato peeler or something, we've got to get this cute off."
     "Wire brush," Mike said confidently, and got up.  Kim let go of my
hair and chased Mike out of the room.
     "You did look cute," Rachel chuckled.
     "Potato peeler," I said, and got up.
     "Oh, stop it," she sneered.  "Sit down."

***
18:49 6 Jul

     I had eaten about everything there was to eat, and I personally was
about ready for some Chinese food, or maybe a diet, because I was so
full I could hardly eat half a plate's worth.

***
19:31 6 Jul

     "You want my gumbo recipe?" Aunt Louisa asked suspiciously.
     I nodded.  "Oh, please, it'll hold me through the dark times," I
whined and begged.
     "Child, get off the floor," she ordered, so I did.  I'd thought it
might help.  She took a breath, and let it out, then looked at me.  "Get
some paper or sumptin', because it's more of a process than a recipe."
I held up the laptop.  "Eugene," she warned me, "if you put this on that
Internet of yours," which was a dazzling megalomaniac fantasy for the
instant I thought about it, "I'll skin you."
     "No ma'am I won't," I promised, liking my skin very much where it
was.  "But I type faster than I write..."

***
21:09 6 Jul

     I cackled mildly as I mounted the floppy on Regina and copied the
information to several places.  But, since it was encrypted with a 4k
key, I wasn't too worried about anyone making sense of it before I died.
Or turned thirty, whichever came first.
     "What are you cackling about?" Susan asked as she came in.
     "Ho ho ho," I said, being not at all helpful or informative.

***
21:10 6 Jul

     "I'll bounce it to you," I promised, and Susan let go of my ear.
"But you don't have any place to cook it, if you're living in the dorms
again next year."
     Susan sighed.  "I've been thinking about that..."

***
22:19 6 Jul

     "I dunno," Rachel-my-cousin said, and shrugged.  "The advantage is,
you just have to pay one bill and that's it, and you don't have to worry
about commuting or anything like that.  You like your roommate, right?"
she asked Susan.  "Well, if you both want to try it again, I guess you
should go for it."
     "I'd hate it," Willie commented.
     "You get used to it," Rachel told him.
     Brian shook his head.  "I'd hate it too."
     "Maybe you two should room together," I suggested.  They both gave
me nasty looks.  "If you two both hate it...  Whatever," I sighed, and
cuddled Football.  HE wasn't giving me nasty looks.
     "Maybe we should room together," Amy said to me, and nudged me.
     That kind of stopped things for a moment.
     "Amy, the rooms aren't co-ed, in the dorms," Delilah pointed out.
     "I knew that," Amy claimed quickly, but she winked at me as people
started hooting and poking her.
     "Do you have to work tonight?" Susan asked, and Amy said a rude
word.

***
22:48 6 Jul

     "Eugene?" Uncle Lanier pinged me.
     "Yessir?" I asked, turning around.
     "St- Bill said you were going through some hard times, and he told
me about them..." he said solemnly.  *Oh, great,* I thought, getting
embarrassed.  "Eugene, if you need a place to get away for a while,
please call me.  I think it would be safer for you to come down and
visit, instead of running off like you did in April."
     I made a face.  "Well-"
     "Eugene."  He made a two-syllable statement sound like sixteen
years of history.  "You know there are times you need to get away from
home and the rest.   I know it too.  What I want you to do is call me,
if you need to leave town again.  We WILL work something out, and give
you the thinking space you need."  Dad nodded solemnly.
     I thought about it for a while.
     "Okay," I finally agreed.  "I will if I need to."
     Dad and Uncle Lanier nodded, looking satisfied, and I shook both
their hands to seal the deal.

***
23:09 6 Jul

     "Man, it's fun with them here..." Susan sighed as she dropped her
shorts and scratched.
     "Yeah, but," I lowered my voice, "you'll be glad too, when they're
gone."  Which would be tomorrow, when we were both at work.  This house
was just too small for fourteen people.
     She nodded silently before she slid into her nightgown.
     When her head popped out the top of it, she was turning pink.
"Tuck!" she complained.
     "What?" I asked, truly baffled.
     We stared at each other for a while.
     "Never mind, I guess," she sighed, and resumed prepping for bed.
     I stood there for a while, trying to figure out whether I should
scream or demand an answer or fling myself out the window or what.
Finally, I gave up, and started changing for bed myself.
     "Can you set your alarm, too?" she asked.
     "What time?"
     "Six?"

***
00:41 7 Jul

     I had made it all the way to the door before the dogs disappeared
wherever dreams go when they aren't chasing you.  My head hurt, like it
usually did when I ran into a door with it.
     "Oh, God," Susan moaned from the upper bunk.  "Tuck?" she whined.
     "Dogs," I panted.  "Hundreds, of dogs..."
     "Shut UP," she ordered.

***
00:44 7 Jul

     Susan mumbled something I was sure was uncomplimentary, as she put
an arm over me, but I just ignored it and tried to think of pleasant
things, like a large caliber pistol in my hand to shoot dogs...
     That was better, I decided.  Now, of course, there weren't any dogs
around.  Doesn't that figure?

***
06:00 7 Jul

     The alarm beeped and then cut off.
     I was going to go back to sleep momentarily when I noticed that it
didn't smell like Amy, in the bed with me, it smelled like Susan.
     About the time I was thinking that perhaps I should panic, I
remembered the night before, and decided that everything was cool, and I
should...

***
06:09 7 Jul

     The alarm beeped and cut off.
     "Suuuuuuze," I whined, "I gotta go!"
     "Rrrrrrr," she growled back, but let me up finally.

***
07:47 7 Jul

    I was starting on breakfast when Miz Parker came into the kitchen,
apparently letting Stella have an early breakfast too.  "Hello,
Valerie," she said calmly as she sat down.
     "Hi!  Did you want to stay for breakfast this morning?" I asked,
because I didn't want to assume.
     "No, thank you," she smiled.  She looked a little pink, compared to
when I saw her last.  Of course, I had no idea what I looked like in
return.  "Did you have a fun weekend?"  Well, actually I did know what I
looked like, because I'd spent some time working with the makeup this
morning to hide the dark ring around my eyes.

***
07:50 7 Jul

     "I think," Miz Parker mused, "that next time we do this, that we
leave Stella home with you..."
     "OhmiGod," I spazzed, "I am so sorry I didn't think about her-"
     "Valerie?"
     I stopped.
     "I didn't think of it either," Miz Parker said.  Then she smiled, a
little, and leaned closer.  "Besides," she said quietly, "it was sort of
handy if there was a ride I didn't want to go on; I could pull her toe
or something and then claim the baby was fussing too much."  She winked
as she sat back in her seat.
     "Oh..."
     "So it wasn't that bad," she continued.  "And, if I wanted to go on
something, then I could go through the line with everyone and trade off
with Cindy when she got back.  That worked out okay," she smiled.
     "That's cool," I agreed, sort of confused.

***
08:01 7 Jul

     "What is THAT?!" Ricky - a pinker than usual Ricky - gasped as I
opened the thermos and the smell of warm leftover gumbo filled my nose.
I was trying hard not to let any of it escape into the room, but I guess
my lungs weren't big enough.
     "Nothing YOU get to taste," I said, and smiled.  "So don't worry.
I only brought enough for me today."  It was a two-quart thermos, but
that was just barely enough to get me through the day.  At least it was
lo-cal.
     You could never get tired of good gumbo, because with good gumbo,
you just kept adding things to it.  I'd added some leftover sausage this
morning, and it smelled even better.
     "What IS that?" asked Miz Parker.
     "Mine!" I snapped emphatically before I realized who I was talking
to.

***
08:04 7 Jul

     I thought about saying something, about how all three of the boys
were a lot more sunburned than I ever let them get, but I finally
realized WHY it was a bad idea to say anything, and so I didn't.  But I
felt better about my own 'mistake' that time.

***
11:04 7 Jul

     Stella looked back at me, like 'No way!', so I growled and got down
on all fours myself and started chasing her.  Not seriously, of course,
or I would have caught her, but she screamed and thrashed like it was
her life on the line as we sslloowwllyy made our way out of the kitchen
and down the hallway.  She slipped and fell several times, which sort of
boggled my mind - how can you trip when you're crawling on hands and
knees?

***
12:19 7 Jul

     "You're gonna eat that stuff AGAIN?" Gary complained as I sat back
down at the table.
     "Yep," I admitted.  "And I'm going to like it, too.  Ha ha ha," I
stated, and smiled at them.
     "You're weird," Ricky asserted.
     I just smiled at him.

***
17:31 7 Jul

     "We had a LOT of fun," Miz Upshaw assured me, while staying on the
porch and away from more direct ultraviolet.  It looked like she'd had
enough for a while, too.
     "That is really cool," I lied, smiling.
     "So how was your fourth?" she asked me.
     "Oh well," I shrugged.  "The actual Fourth, I slept in... and I
spent most of the fifth cooking for relatives."  I tried not to laugh at
her.  I knew who'd had the better holidays.
     "While the guys watched baseball like their lives depended on it,"
she stated with a smirk on her face.
     "B-" *-ut I didn't do that and I'm...*  "-oys," I voiced quietly.
     She smiled and patted my arm.  "It gets worse, it really does," she
said.
     "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
     She laughed.  "No!"
     I sighed.  I don't think we were quite referring to the same
things, but it was still depressing.

***
17:49 7 Jul

     I was in my car and on the way home before I remembered that I
hadn't talked to Travis at ALL for like the entire weekend.  *Maybe he
paged me- I haven't even looked at it like all weekend either!*

***
17:51 7 Jul

     Travis hadn't paged me either, though at least I made it to a
parking lot without getting in a wreck so I could check my pager.
     *Damn,* I thought.  *Do I call him or what?*
     Then there was the question of whether to call Mike back or not.
HE had paged me today, at some point.

***
18:34 7 Jul

     "Mike?  Whassup?"
     "Hey, Tuck, I had this idea today..."

***
18:52 7 Jul

     "Hey, you gonna eat all that?" Mike asked, and I handed him the
plate.  "Tuck, wait, it was a JOKE!"
     I sighed, and looked at him.  "I know, Mike, but I am like," and I
looked around and dropped my voice, "seriously tired of most of it.  At
least for a while."
     He looked at me like I'd just grown antennae.  I wiped a hand over
my head to make sure I hadn't.
     "Tuck," he finally said, slowly and carefully, "this is good food."
     "I know!  I cooked a lot of it!  I just, I mean... I've been eating
it for like three days now, solid..."
     He shook his head at me.  "You don't deserve this."
     "Which is why I was giving some to you!" I said quickly, thinking I
was oh so clever.  "And I was gonna have some more gumbo."  He sighed,
and shrugged, and sat down with the plate that used to be mine.  "And
maybe some salad," I decided.
     "Are you worried about your weight again?" he demanded suspiciously
as he glared at me.
     "I am not worried about my weight!"  At least, if I stopped eating
things like fried chicken and brisket at every meal, I wouldn't have to
be.  "Maybe an egg or two.  And- no, scrambled with cheese and some
brisket."  That sounded good.
     "That's better."
     "What, you want some too?" I asked.
     He looked at his plate, for a long time.  "Can I take this to
work?" he asked.  I nodded, and he nodded.  "I mean, it IS good-"
     "But you get tired of it after a few days," I agreed.

***
19:08 7 Jul

     A dozen eggs later, Amy and Mike had theirs, and I was cooking
mine, when Susan came in.  "Oooh, that smells interesting," she said.
     I sighed.  "You want some?"

***
20:11 7 Jul

     "So what was this idea you had?" I reminded Mike, since he and Amy
weren't showing any signs of leaving anytime soon.
     "Oh, well..." he said, and dug through a pack until he came up with
a small metal box.  He opened the box and showed me... a bunch of nuts
and bolts and cable.
     "Oh wow," I said dully.
     "Shut up Tuck, watch," he said, and pulled it out and twisted it
around a little bit, and then it resolved from a bunch of hardware into
a set of metal nunchaku.
     "Oh my g-"
     "Yep," Mike grinned.  "And from completely anonymous mass-market
hardware, too. Want a set or two?"  Amy and I BOTH nodded.  "Amy, you
don't know how to use them-"
     "Neither do you!"
     "Bets?" Mike shot.
     Amy grinned a checkmate sort of grin.  "Then you can teach me,
can't you?  Otherwise, you don't know it well enough yet."

***
22:48 7 Jul

     Mike and Amy were gone, Susan was in her room... I dialed Travis
before I realized quite what time it was.  I realized, in fact, what
time it was shortly after he answered the phone.
     It went 'click' and then sounded like it was falling down the
stairs.  "-holy-" it started, then Travis said into the phone, "Hello?"
     "Travis?  Ii-i-it's Valerie?"
     "Wh- Do you know what time it is?"
     "No..."
     "It's almost eleven!" he told me.  That's when I found out what
time it was.
     "I'msorry!" I said, and hung up.  "Oh god oh god oh god oh god..."

***
22:50 7 Jul

     I stopped beating my head against my bed when the pager buzzed.  I
sighed and picked it up, wondering what Mike wanted now-
     "TRA-" I shrieked in surprise before I remembered I didn't want
Susan to know about him either.

***
22:51 7 Jul

     "Valerie?"
     "I'm so sorry Ididn'trememberImeanIdidn'trealizewhattimeitwas, when
Icalled, andIdidn'tmeantowakeyouuporanythingImeanIknowyouhavetowork-"
     "Valerieeeeeee," he said slowly, and I stopped.
     Long, gut wrenching pause, which allowed me to catch my breath.
     "Hi, how was your weekend?" Travis asked.
     "Are you mad at me?" I asked back.  He chuckled.  "No, come on,
it's a serious question!  I-"
     "No, I'm not mad at you," he interrupted.
     "Are you sure?" I asked before I could stop myself.
     He just started laughing.

***
23:17 7 Jul

     "So you wanna do something tomorrow, maybe?"
     "Well, do you?"
     "I mean, if you're not doing anything or anything like that..."
     "That sounds cool?"
     "It does?  I mean, yeah, it's cool..."
     Pause.
     "Um, should-"
     "What time-"
     We both chorused, "Sorry!"

***
23:39 7 Jul

     "Okay, so...
     "Are you sure you're okay?" Travis asked.
     "I think so... as much as I ever am," I said.  He chuckled at that.
"I'm... I won't call so late next time."
     "I mean," he said, "if you need to, I mean, please..."
     "Okay," I sighed.
     Pause.
     "Goodnight, Valerie," he said, smiling again.
     "G'night," I said, and disconnected, flung the headset off, and
scrambled into bed where I could resume pounding my head.  I hated
myself.  Why couldn't I have been socially adept instead of smart?

***
23:52 7 Jul

     I hated going to sleep alone, I decided.

***
01:23 8 Jul

     I was finally calming down, I thought, when someone knocked softly
on my door.  *Oh God oh God oh God oh God-*  I thought I hadn't actually
screamed out loud when he spat in my face-
     The door clacked open and Susan came in.  "Tucker," she said
softly, "what IS it?"
     I tried to say about four things at once, and what came out sounded
even to me a lot like a dog in mortal pain.
     "Oh, Tuck," she sighed, and sat down next to me and put her arms
around me.  I wept into her shirt for a long time.

***
01:56 8 Jul

     "Go to sleep," Susan whispered in my ear.  "I'll keep you safe."  I
sighed, but wriggled closer to her and closed my eyes again.

***


"Why, there's a wench!  Come on and kiss me, Kate!" - Petruchio



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+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
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