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Tuck and Roll -*- Copyright 1998 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Tuck and Roll


***
06:46 11 Mar

     I was glad to eject out of a nightmare when the phone flashed me
awake.  "Nuh, 'lo?" I mumbled when I found the phone and got it right
side up.
     "Val?"  It was Debbie.  "Get ready, okay."
     "Nuh.  Mizzyou," I mentioned.
     "I miss you too," she replied, her voice all soft and cuddly.
     "Mmmmm..."

***
07:02 11 Mar

     There was no way around it, I realized.  I was going to have to
take another change of clothes to deal with Jack.  I sighed.

***
07:18 11 Mar

     "You feel better?" she asked as I slung my bags in the back seat
and got in.
     "Yeah," I sighed.  She leaned over and gave me the kiss I hadn't
gotten when I woke up.  "Mmmmmm...."   When we broke, I asked her,
"Well, how do you feel?"
     She smiled at me.  "My period's easing up, I almost feel human
again."  I felt up her leg, and she giggled.  "Well?"
     "Almost human," I agreed, and she started the car again.  "Do we
have time for breakfast again?"
     "Depends on how fast you can change."

***
07:38 11 Mar

     "Fast enough?"
     "Almost.  C'mere a second, you need to get rid of some of that
shadow."  She flicked at my eyelids with the powder brush.
     "Too much?"
     "Too much," she agreed.  "Something you gotta watch for when you're
putting on makeup in bad light."

***
07:47 11 Mar

     "So what are you gonna be doing today?" I asked as I put ketchup
on an Egg McMuffin.
     "Oh," she sighed, and had some fries.  "Makeup stuff, all day,
practically.  I have a whole bunch scheduled this week.  I THOUGHT,
originally, that I'd have Monday off, but when Mrs. Parker called up, it
was just too good to pass up, you know?"
     I made a face at her.  "Yeah, I kinda know the feeling."  We
giggled.

***
08:04 11 Mar

     "Well, break a leg or whatever," I told her as I got out.
     "You too, hon."  She waved at me.
     I couldn't resist, though, and leaned back inside and kissed her
one last time.
     "You have a ride home, right?" she asked as I pulled back out.
     "Yeah, Mike," I sort of lied.  I felt bad about it, but I figured
that I'd better handle this one on my own.
     "Okay, then, see you later... oh, when she gives you a check, make
sure it's to D&E, and I'll pick it up tomorrow or something, okay?"  I
nodded.  "Okay, good luck.  Kisskiss."
     "Kisskiss," I smiled back, and shut the door.

***
08:06 11 Mar

     "Good morning, Valerie," Mrs. Parker said as she opened the door.
"Come on in."  I waved at Debbie one last time, and she started to drive
off.
     "Well, what's on the agenda today, ma'am?" I asked her as I dragged
my stuff inside.
     "Well," she said, shifting Stella to the other side, "I'm going to
be going back to work soon, and I thought I'd get as much of the hard
cleaning done as possible, so I don't have to do it later."
     *Oh, boy,* I thought.  *Well, at least I'm getting paid for it this
time.*  I smiled, and asked, "Well, when do we start?"

***
08:11 11 Mar

     Cleaning bathrooms right off was not the best of omens.  *At
least,* I thought to myself as I lugged cleaning supplies down the
hallway, *you get the worst part over first.*
     It didn't help much.

***
09:07 11 Mar

     "How's it coming?" Mrs. Parker asked from behind me.  I was still
cleaning the mirrors.
     "Um, well, I think I'm done, except for the mirrors, and wiping
everything down one last time."
     "Mind if I take a look?" she asked.
     *YES!* I thought.  "Um, sure, go right ahead."
     She poked around, while I tried to concentrate on wiping off
whatever goo accumulates on mirrors, and not on being nervous.  It
worked, a little.
     Finally she came back, and smiled.  "This is great," she enthused.
"I don't think you missed anything."
     "Oh, cool!  I mean-"
     She laughed, and I laughed a little too.  "Don't be nervous,
Valerie, I'm not going to make you scrub things with a toothbrush or
anything.  It's just hard keeping up with the house and the kids at the
same time, and I want to get a little ahead before I go back to work.
Besides, this IS my house," she emphasized, "so it's more my
responsibility than yours anyway."
     "I know, but I want to do a good job," I replied.
     "Well, you're doing great!"
     Debbie would be proud.  I think.

***
09:13 11 Mar

     "Whatcha doin'?" someone asked behind me.  I looked up, and it was
Patrick.
     "Cleaning the bathtub," I sighed.
     "Why?"
     "So it'll be clean."  Duh.
     "But," he thought for a second, "how come I have to take a bath in
it to get clean, if it's dirty?"
     Just what I needed, first-grader philosophy class.  "Well, the soap
doesn't always wash out, and there's things like mildew that grows in
wet places that has to be cleaned, and-"
     "What's mildew?"

***
09:47 11 Mar

     I'd tried getting the little guy to help me, but aside from a few
little things, he decided he'd rather bother me with questions than do
anything useful.  Not that I could blame him - I'd rather be bugging him
with useless questions than cleaning the toilet, myself.

***
09:58 11 Mar

     "Well," he said finally, "I'm gonna watch TV, okay?"
     "Okay, Ricky.  See ya."  One trash bag half full, and I'd only done
two bathrooms.  It was gonna be a long day.

***
10:31 11 Mar

     "Well, how's it coming?" Mrs. Parker asked.  She looked as tired as
I did.  That made me feel better.
     "Well, I got all the bathrooms done, except for taking out the
trash from the cleaning and stuff.  Other than that, I think I'm done
with 'em."
     "Not skipping any corners, are you?"  She mock-threatened me with
a feather duster.
     "Oh, no...  Debbie'd skin me if I did."
     She chuckled at that.  "Feel like a break?"
     "Usually," I agreed.

***
10:34 11 Mar

     "So what year are you, Valerie?"
     At least she wasn't trying to pick me up when she asked that.

***
10:47 11 Mar

     Mrs. Parker looked up at the television, and sighed.  "Back to the
salt mines."  Stella didn't look too impressed either.
     I sighed too, but got up.  "Well, what next, ma'am?"

***
10:51 11 Mar

     Dishes first, I decided, and while those were in the dishwasher, I
could start work on the sink.
     Mrs. Parker walked past, carrying what I bet wasn't gonna be the
last load of laundry I saw today.

***
11:27 11 Mar

     "Are you gonna fix lunch?" Patrick asked from behind me.
     I turned around and looked at him.  "I dunno, it depends when your
mom wants to stop and eat."
     "Okay!"  He ran off.  I sighed.

***
11:48 11 Mar

     I was tormenting biscuits and sausage into something like a Pig in
a Blanket, and trying not to stare at Mrs. Parker, who obviously
believed in breast feeding.
     "Does this bother you?" she asked suddenly.
     "Um."  I was kind of embarrassed that she'd seen it.  "No, I just,
I mean, it's not something I see a lot."  I risked glancing at her,
being careful to keep my eyes above her neckline.  Except she didn't
have one, with her shirt open.
     "Well," she started, with that tone I knew so well from lectures,
"it's perfectly natural, you know."
     I shrugged defensively.  "I know, it's just, I mean, it doesn't
bother me or anything, it's just unusual."  I tried a smile at her.
"Not something you see in the halls at school, anyway."
     She smiled back, and I figured I was off the hook.  For now.

***
12:06 11 Mar

     "Aren't you going to eat more than that?" Mrs. Parker asked me.
     "Um, noo... I'm not that hungry.  I had a big breakfast."  Big for
me, anyway.
     She gave me a look.  "Are you sure?  We've still got a long way to
go..."
     I shrugged.  "Maybe I'll have a snack when Patrick does later on."
*What is this about my weight?* I wondered.  *Now strangers are
bothering me about it.*
     "This is good!" Patrick mumbled, his mouth full.
     Mrs. Parker was quicker off the mark than I was.  "Ricky, don't
talk with your mouth full."

***
12:38 11 Mar

     Another set of dishes.  I sighed, and started on mopping the floor.

***
13:09 11 Mar

     I looked up from polishing the dining room table just in time.
"Patrick! Stay OUT of there!"
     "But I'm thirsty!" he whined.
     "Well, you can get some water out of the downstairs bathroom.  I
just mopped, and it's not dry yet.  So stay out."
     He stomped off, but not into the kitchen.

***
13:46 11 Mar

     "Do you do windows?" she grinned at me.
     "Outside too?"  I didn't feel like standing on a ladder today to
get the second floor.
     "Um," she frowned for a second, "only... um.  Up to you, I guess."
She shook her head.  "You're a lot more enthusiastic than I expected
about this," she sort of smiled.
     "Well," I breathed, wiping my forehead, "my folks go through this
every so often too, and it was just simpler to get everything done so
they didn't bother me about it, and then I'd get done and I could get
out of the house.  My sister would argue about everything, and she spent
more time trying to get out of it than it would take to do it, and she
got in a lot more trouble, too."  Mrs. Parker laughed.

***
14:21 11 Mar

     "Valerie?"  I looked up.  "Mom wants to know could you feed Stella
'cause she's busy with cleaning her room and she can't get out now or
she'll lose her place."  Ricky took a breath.
     "Um.  Sure.  Where is she?"
     He gave me a look.  "In her room!  I just told you that."
     "No, Stella," you little wanker, I didn't add.

***
14:36 11 Mar

     And, of course, after being fed and burped, she went, and I had to
change another diaper.  At least I still remembered how.

***
14:51 11 Mar

     "Oh, hi Valerie, what's up?" Mrs. Parker asked.  She was almost
buried in papers, and there were lots and lots of piles all the way
around her.
     "Um," I said cleverly, then held up the bucket and Windex.
     "Oh!  Uh..."  She frowned for a second.  "Why don't we just wait on
this, because I'm only about half done cleaning out the desk."  I'd
wondered what she was doing.
     "Well, uh, these are the last windows, so, um.  Is there something
else you want em to do?"
     She stared at something for a while, thinking.  Then she looked up
at me, sort of uncertain.  "Well, Patrick needs to clean his room..."
     *Oh, no...*

***
14:57 11 Mar

     "No!"
     "Ricky, your mother told me to make sure that you cleaned your room
now."  A lie, but close enough.  I could take a hint.  Unlike certain
children I could name.  "Besides, I'll help."
     He paused, and his expression changed.  "You'll help?"

***
14:59 11 Mar

     "Oh, dear God."  I must've blanked out what it looked like
yesterday.

***
15:09 11 Mar

     "Ricky, me helping doesn't mean that you get to sit on your bed and
read comic books while I do all the work!"
     The look of utter disgust he gave me would have been crushing if I
was seven myself.  Which I wasn't.  Besides, what was he going to do?
Not invite me to his birthday party?

***
15:27 11 Mar

     *How could one kid have so many toys?* I wondered.  "Ricky, come
on, let's finish up so we can watch cartoons," I sighed at him.  He
wanted to play with all of them.

***
15:39 11 Mar

     More laundry, more laundry, more laundry.  I sighed, because I was
going to have to unload the dryer so I could empty the washer into it so
I could put Ricky's unearthed dirty clothes and sheets into the washer.
And then I was gonna have to fold the dry stuff too.

***
15:44 11 Mar

     *I didn't know babies took so much laundry,* I thought to myself as
I folded another tiny T shirt.  *Have to remember that when I get
married.*  It was nice and warm in the laundry room, though.  So I sort
of took my time folding, because it felt so comfortable.

***
15:51 11 Mar

     "Come on, Ricky, just a little more, and we can vacuum the floor in
here and be done with things."
     "I'm TIRED!" he whined at me, like I cared.
     So I whined back, louder, "Well, I'm tired TOOOOOO!  And I know
that the faster we get done, the faster we can rest, okay?"
     "But I wanna rest now!"
     "Ricky, come on, just a little more, and we can go rest downstairs
and watch cartoons.  And you can show your mom how clean your room is,
and she'll be proud of you, too."  I felt like such a shameless
manipulator.  And it felt so good.

***
16:04 11 Mar

     "Well?"  Ricky seemed so anxious, I almost went over to check his
diaper.
     Instead, though, I looked around carefully.  It was about as neat
as it could possibly get without another couple of shelves, and I knew
that not too much was stuffed under the bed or thrown in the closet.  In
short, it was a Good Enough Job.  So I said, "Okay, kiddo, looks good to
me!"
     "YESSSSSS!" he yelled, and jumped off the bed and ran out.
     "I'll, uh, since you did so good I'll vacuum for you," I said to
the suddenly empty room.  "No, no, you're so welcome."  Not like I was
annoyed or anything.  Haha.

***
16:09 11 Mar

     After getting his room, I decided to vacuum everything else I could
get to upstairs.  While I was there.  I mean, it was gonna happen
anyway, and the faster I got done, the faster I could-
     *Oh, shit.*  I still had to go out with Jack tonight.  Damn.  I
kept blocking it or something.  I checked my watch, and I still had a
couple of hours before I'd told him to show up.
     So I started vacuuming the rest of the upstairs.

***
16:16 11 Mar

     I peeked into the master bedroom, and she seemed to have tamed
Chaos.  Or, at least, there wasn't any piles on the floor any more.  She
wasn't on the floor either.  *Might as well get to it now,* I thought,
and went to go get the window cleaning stuff while I had the chance.
Then I could vacuum and get the entire floor finished.

***
16:27 11 Mar

     I was getting ready to vacuum the stairs when Mrs. Parker appeared
at the bottom.  "Oh, there you are!" she exclaimed.
     "Um, I just need to get the stairs," I told her, "and then I think
we're done with up here.  Unless you need me for something else up
here."  I couldn't think of anything, but then again, this wasn't my
house.
     She looked surprised.  "Well, uh... that's great!  Did you get
Patrick's room?"
     I beckoned her up the stairs.  "Want to come take a look?"
     Instead of nodding or saying anything, she walked up the stairs.  I
followed her into Patrick's room, where she stood, turning around
slowly.  Finally, was facing me again.  "Do I dare to look in the
closet?" she smiled.
     I shrugged.  "Go ahead, and you can check under the bed too.  I
made sure that's NOT where everything went," I grinned.
     She did, and she opened the closet too.  When she shut it, she was
shaking her head, and muttering, "My God, my God..."
     "What?"  I was suddenly afraid I missed something.
     She looked at me.  "And he didn't throw himself out the window?  I
mean, I NEVER thought his room would look like this without at least
another couple hours worth of screaming and tantrums...." she trailed
off again, and looked around some more.  "I thought you just got tired
of fighting him."
     "Um, he, uh, he wasn't THAT bad...  Just a little reluctant."

***
16:28 11 Mar

     "Ricky, I'm so PROUD of you!" she gushed over him.
     He squirmed in her embrace.  "Valerie helped, but I did most of the
work," he lied.
     "She told me!" Mrs. Parker said.  "Oh, Ricky, wasn't it so much
easier this time?"
     He sort of scuffed the floor.  "I dunno."
     I snorted, and went back to finish the stairs, leaving him to tell
his lies unopposed.  *Just as long as I get paid for this,* I thought.

***
16:47 11 Mar

     "Ricky, come on!  I want to finish too!"
     He made a noise fo disgust.  "But I'm watching TV!" he protested.
     I sighed, and put the vacuum cleaner down.  "You've been watching
television most of the day.  I need to do the floor in here so I can go,
uh, home."  Damn that Jack anyway.  "Or something.  Anyway, I'm going to
vacuum, so I'd suggest you go elsewhere."  And with that, I found an
outlet and plugged the cord in, and started it up.  I had a feeling I
was going to be deaf when I was done today.
     Ricky yelled something at me, which I made sure I didn't catch,
then ran out of the room and into the kitchen.
     A minute later, I saw him out of the corner of my eye, running
upstairs.  I switched off the television.

***
16:54 11 Mar

     I shut off the vacuum with a a sigh of relief.  Then I tried to pop
my ears for a couple of minutes.  No luck.  *Oh, well,* I thought, and
went to go see if Mrs. Parker wanted anything else.

***
16:57 11 Mar

     "Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?" she asked as I
followed her upstairs.  "I hate to work you so hard all day, and you
didn't eat very much..."
     "No, ma'am, that's fine, really.  Besides, I think I'm gonna get
dinner tonight anyway."  Jack owed me something for scaring the shit out
of me.
     She turned and gave me a look over her shoulder.  I knew what she
was thinking, and I blushed before I could stop it.  "Um, he's just, I
mean, he just wants to talk, so, I, um..."
     She turned front again before she said anything, but I could still
hear a smile when she said, "Well, I have to zip to the bank before it
closes, so if you need to change or anything, this would be a good time,
I think."
     "Um, thanks."  I think.

***
17:06 11 Mar

     Mrs. Parker met me as she came down the stairs.  She looked much
nicer than she had, so I said so.
     "Thank you, Valerie.  You do too, by the way."  I felt another
blush coming on, so I hurried ahead of her so she couldn't see me.
     On the way, though, I heard some kind of ominous noise coming from
the kitchen.  *Oh, God,* I thought, and picked up some speed to see what
it was.
     What it was, and what stopped both me and Mrs. Parker in our
tracks, was Ricky.  Ricky, who had, for reasons all his own, taken the
vacuum cleaner, and managed to get the bag out, whereupon he shook
everything out of the bag and onto the floor.  The floor I had mopped.
And onto him.
     "RICKY!" we both shrieked at the same time, and started forward as
one.

***
17:07 11 Mar

     "Oh, God, what am I going to do?" Mrs. Parker wailed, a little more
intelligibly than Ricky, who was sitting down crying.  Luckily, we'd
managed to catch him before he ran out of the kitchen and spread the
dirt everywhere else in the house.
     Time to do a Debbie and take charge.  "Okay, hold it.  What time
does the bank close?"
     Mrs. Parker took a deep breath and answered, "Five thirty."
     "Okay."  I looked at the stove.  "Does anything you're cooking need
any attention?"  She shook her head.  "Then you go to the bank, and I'll
get this, and Ricky, cleaned up.  Go on," I urged as she started to
protest.  "You can still make it.  And I'll watch Stella too.  Go!"

***
17:10 11 Mar

     I was just fastening my jeans as I came back into the kitchen.
Ricky, amazingly, was still playing in the dirt.  "Patrick, what are you
DOING?"
     He looked up at me, tears streaking his dusty face.  "I lost my
Micro Racer, and it got vacuumed up, and I gotta find it!"
     I took a deep breath.  "Ricky, we'll look for it after we get you
cleaned up.  Now, come on."
     "Where are we going?"
     "You're going to take a bath."
     "NOOOO!" he shrieked in horror and denial, and made a break for it.

***
17:14 11 Mar

     I had Stella's car seat in one hand as I stood in the hallway and
pulled the wedge out of the door frame and opened the bathroom door.
Those door wedges were one of the best ideas I'd ever had; they came in
handy all the time.  Especially when I carried a couple with me all the
time.
     Ricky tried to make a break for it, of course, but I body blocked
him and shoved him back inside, and managed to get myself and Stella in
before he could get off the floor.
     "Ricky, we can do this one of two ways," I told him.  "You can take
a bath, all by yourself, like a big boy, or I can bathe you.  Which one
is it gonna be?"
     "You're NOT gonna make me!" he shrieked at me.  Then he hit me.
     "Oh, buddy, you are SO wrong," I told him, and grabbed his arm.  He
was, too.  "And do NOT hit the babysitter!"

***
17:26 11 Mar

     The door opened, and I looked up.  Mrs. Parker was back.
"Valerie?" she asked, "what on..." and then she sort of trailed off.
     I knew I didn't look my best, and Ricky was howling like I was
using acid instead of soap, but he was getting clean.  He'd THOUGHT that
I couldn't hold on to him and bathe him at the same time, which would
have been true if I minded getting wet.  Which I didn't.  Not for this
brat.  So what I'd done, was tackled him, dragged him into the tub, and
put my world famous scissors lock on him.  He was inescapably trapped.
Then I undressed him, one end at a time, and used the shower hose thing
on him, and occasionally and unavoidably on me.
     "We're almost done," I told her.  "If you could take Stella, I
think all the noise upset her."
     She looked kind of dumb for a minute, then nodded, and took the car
seat, and shut the door.  She didn't say another word.

***
17:34 11 Mar

     I towelled him off briskly, trying not to think of sandpaper.  He'd
stopped fighting about the time I got his feet soaped up.  He fought
until the very end, I had to give him that.  Just like Jill's barbarian
character.  Too bad I was stronger than this one.

***
17:42 11 Mar

     Shampooed, bathed, dried, and dressed in clean clothes, a whole new
Patrick made his debut in the kitchen.
     "I see you took a bath," was Mrs. Parker's only comment to him.  He
sniffled.
     She'd cleaned up the floor while I was upstairs.  "Oh, I was gonna
get that," I told her, but she shrugged.
     "You looked kind of busy yourself," she said, and smiled.
     "Um, did you find a little tiny toy car in the bag or the dirt or
something?"  She shook her head.  "Well, that's what started this whole
thing, Ricky lost one of his Micro Racers and thought it got sucked up,
so he went looking for it.  We're gonna go search his room next, right,
Ricky?"  He sniffled again.  Somehow, I felt all the joy had gone out of
the search for him.

***
17:46 11 Mar

     I spied something under one of his sneakers.  "Hey," I asked as I
pulled it out, "is this it?"
     "Yes!" he shrieked, and grabbed it out of my hand.  "Thank you!"
Then he totally unexpectedly hugged me.  "Thank you," he mumbled again
into my ear.
     "Um, you're welcome."  I was a little overcome by his gratitude.
     He pulled away, then grabbed my hand as I stood up and yanked me
along towards the kitchen.  "MOM!  MOM!  VALERIE FOUND IT!" he yelled.

***
17:49 11 Mar

     "Well, Valerie, I think you really did fantastic with everything
today."  I shrugged, grinning sheepishly.  I'd have to remember to thank
my parents about ten years from now.  Any sooner and they'd think I was
wanting the advanced classes in domestic slavery.
     "Would you be interested in coming back tomorrow?" she asked.
     "What?"
     "Just straight babysitting the two of them," she explained
hurriedly.  "You're so good with both of them, and there's so much I
have to do," she sighed.  "Anyway, if you'd like, I could use you again
tomorrow while I do some errands."
     "Um.  Yeah, sure, that'd be okay," I said, wondering what I was
doing.
     "You've just been such a big help," she said encouragingly.  "I
don't know what I would have done without you today, and I could really
use some help again tomorrow."
     "Okay, sure!"  I tried to sound enthusiastic.  "Um, what time?"
     "Is nine okay?"
     "That'd be perfect."  I was tired of getting up at six.
     "Anyway," she mentioned, "don't you need to get ready?"
     "What?"  Then I looked at the clock.  "Ack!"
     "Why don't you go upstairs and use my bathroom, alright?" she
suggested.  "You need a shower, too, I think.  I'll watch everything
down here while you get ready."
     "Ah," shit.  "Okay, thanks, thank you SO much," I told her,
correcting myself to sound better, and rushed to get my clothes again.

***
18:11 11 Mar

     Dressed for the second time today in leggings, a jumper, and a nice
shirt (and my flats), I made my way down the stairs and over the baby
gate.  "Um did-" I started to say, and then I stopped, because Mrs.
Parker must've seen Jack drive up or something, because they both were
sitting in the living room, looking at me.  I stopped.  "Um."
     "I hope this is the right one," Mrs. Parker smiled at me.  Jack
just smiled.

***
18:15 11 Mar

     "I told you to wait outside!" I hissed at him.
     "All I did was knock at the door to make sure I had the right
place, your directions weren't real clear, and then she made me come
in.  So don't get bitchy at me, okay?"
     I sighed.  "Sorry, I had a hard day."
     He nodded.  "I got that impression.  Anyway, you hungry?"
     "Yeah, I guess."  He unlocked the door of the Toyota and opened it
for me.

***
18:18 11 Mar

     He drove like most of my friends, so at least I was used to it.
Sort of.
     "So, anyway, were you babysitting there or what?" Jack asked.
     "Yeah," I sighed.  "Actually, cleaning, today.  But she wants me to
babysit tomorrow."
     "Cool, I guess.  Are you on spring break or something?"  I nodded.
"Well, take what gigs you can.  How many you sitting for?"

***
18:27 11 Mar

     I was just about to scream from tension.  So instead, I said,
"Jack, didn't you want to talk about something else besides just the
usual BS?"
     "Oh, like what?"  He glanced at me and smiled.
     "Like, like, like why I'm doing this or something, since that's
what I thought you wanted?"
     "Oh, I was just waiting for you to bring it up," he explained
calmly.
     I really wanted to scream now.  So I did.
     "Feel better?"
     That called for another one.  I tried to shatter his skull with
this one, but not surprisingly, it didn't work.  Probably because it was
solid all the way through.
     "Give it a good long one," he suggested.

***
18:28 11 Mar

     "So, feel like talking now?" Jack asked me.
     I glared at him.  "Yeah, I guess."  My throat hurt.
     "Look, kid," I hated being called kid, "I just wanted to talk to
you.  If you're gonna be hostile, I don't need to talk that bad."  He
gave me a huge grin.  "Besides, if you're nice, I'll buy you dinner."
     I sighed, and stared out the window.  "I just can't get over the
feeling that you're just waiting to get me alone or something, and then
pound me to shit."
     "Why would I do that?"  He sounded genuinely puzzled.
     "Because you kissed me!" I yelled at him.
     He shrugged back.  "So?"
     "So?!"
     "So I kissed you.  So why would _I_ want to hurt _you_ after that?"
     I spluttered, "Because, because...."  I didn't want to say it.
     He opened his mouth to say it.  "Because you used to be a guy?"  He
almost said it.
     "I AM a guy!"
     He gave me a look which I couldn't even begin to describe, and
asked, "Okay, so why are you dressed like that, Valerie?  If you're a,"
dramatic pause, "guy."
     I sighed again.  "It's really long and complicated."
     "So, let's get dinner, and you can tell me about it."

***
18:34 11 Mar

     "So?" Jack said after we were seated.  Away from everyone else, I
noticed.  That must've been what he said to the waiter.
     I sighed.  "It started last Halloween..."

***
19:49 11 Mar

     "So?"
     "So what?" I asked back.
     "So why do you keep doing it?"
     I sighed, and stared at my coke.  "I dunno.  It just keeps coming
up, like this babysitting thing.  Debbie said that they only wanted a
girl, so..."  I shrugged.  "So I'm doing it again."
     We were quiet for a long time, and I finally looked up.  He was
leaning his head on one hand, and looking at me.  After a while, I
started to turn red.  "What?"
     "I dunno...."  He looked away, then back.  "It's like... I mean, it
sounds logical, the way you described it, but ..."  He trailed off.
     "But what?"
     Jack sat up and leaned closer.  "Did you ever think, that somehow,
doing this is like, fufilling some sort of need in you or something?"
     "What?"
     He leaned back.  "I dunno," he admitted.  "Just, it seems like
you're, I dunno, like, there's other jobs you could have besides
babysitting as a girl, for one thing."
     "Yeah, but it pays a lot," I protested.
     "How much?"
     "Um, six an hour, today.  More yesterday."
     He shook his head.  "You'd have to pay me a lot more than that to
imitate a girl for a whole day."
     "Well... it's not like it's that big a deal."  He gave me another
one of those looks he kept giving me.  "It's not!  I mean, it's just
clothes."
     "And makeup, and hair, and a few other things."
     "Yeah, but-"
     "And, I mean, I hate to keep pressing this, but you're really good
at it, like you've been practicing really hard."
     "I haven't!"
     Another look.  "So how come I couldn't tell the difference until I
saw you Saturday, and even then I took a guess."
     "You couldn't- wait, you GUESSED?"

***
19:52 11 Mar

     I was still stunned by the fact that I could have saved myself.
     "You kiss like a girl, too," Jack mentioned.
     "What?  What do you mean, I kiss like a-"
     "I mean you kiss like a girl!"
     I snarled, "How would you know?"
     "'Cause I've kissed girls before."
     "Well, maybe you just can't tell the difference."
     He coughed, a little.  "Yeah, I can.  I've kissed guys too."
     Pause while my brain tried to verify that he'd just said what I
thought he just said.
     "You've kissd guys, plural, before?"
     "Yeah."  He looked down.  "When I was working barback at this gay
place here in town, I, I got hit on a lot.  So I know."
     I was still disbelieving that he would admit this.  "You've kissed
guys before?"
     "Hey, you should talk, you know."
     I gasped, "That was your idea!  It wasn't MINE!"  I sure as hell
wasn't going to admit Travis to him.
     "You said yes," he pointed out.
     "But-"
     "Besides, the point was, I _do_ know, and you kiss like a girl
does.  Not like a guy."
     I was stunned.  Again.  "But, Debbie...."
     "She's not your sister either, right?"
     "What?  No, she's my girlfriend."
     "Your girlfriend?"  He sounded amazed.  "What does she think of all
this?"
     "She's the one who came up with the idea in the first place,
remember?  Besides," I grinned at him, "there's nothing quite as
innocent as a couple of girls spending the night over at someone's
house.  And if things get a little noisy inside the room, well, girls do
that, and it's nothing for the parental units to be worried about,
because there aren't any guys around, right?"
     "So you're telling me you're doing this to get into your
girlfriend's pants?" he asked skeptically.
     "Well, her bed, mostly."  I chuckled.
     "Have you ever considered more normal ways of dating?" he asked me.

***
20:07 11 Mar

     He shifted in his seat.  "You know," he mentioned, changing the
subject, "my butt's starting to hurt in this chair.  You wanna go?"
     "Um, yeah."  That sounded great.  "Lemme, uh..."  Reflexively, I
was gonna... gonna go fix my makeup.
     He gave me a smug grin.  "I'll go pay and you fix yourself up, and
I'll meet you at the register, okay?"

***
20:09 11 Mar

     He was a pinhead, that's all there was to it, I decided, as I wiped
powder around my face.  For some reason, I'd been sweating a lot.  Haha.

***
20:12 11 Mar

     "Feel better?" he asked me as I walked up to him.  I flipped him
the bird.  "Oh, great!" he grinned, and opened the door for me.

***
20:13 11 Mar

     "So where do you want to go now?" he asked me.
     "I dunno."  I was still kind of annoyed, and stunned, and, okay, I
was dumb enough not to have figured out where to change before now.  Not
that I knew now, either.
     "Can we talk some more?"
     I sighed.  "Yeah, I guess."  This was not my favorite way to spend
an evening, I had decided.  But it was better than being beaten up.
Sort of.
     "Your place or mine?"
     "What?"
     "Well, it's too cold to go hang out outside, and I can't think of
any place to go that's gonna be private enough, unless you don't want
this conversation to be private," I shook my head emphatically, "so it's
either your place or mine."
     "Um, but..."
     He turned around in his seat to face me.  "Look, I'm-  How can I
convince you I'm not gonna hurt you?"
     "Um."  I thought about it.  "I dunno..."  Even if I could think of
something, I wasn't going to tell him anyway.  Because he'd tell me or
do it or whatever, and then do whatever the hell he intended in the
first place.
     Jack suggested, "Well, let's go to my place.  It's in an apartment
complex, and there's lots of people there who will call 911 if you start
screaming, so I'm not gonna pull anything, and if you get tired of it or
something you can just leave, okay?"
     "I guess...."  I wasn't too happy about the idea, but I wasn't too
happy about any of this.  And I had enough for cabfare home.  "Would you
take me home if I don't like it?"
     He shrugged.  "Sure."

***
20:16 11 Mar

     "You're not the first transie I've met, you know," he mentioned.
     "Transwhat?"
     He gave me yet another look, this one real easy to understand.  It
said, Are you kidding me?  "You know, someone that plays with the
concepts of gender."
     "What?"
     He sighed.  "Look, you were born a guy, right?  And you're dressing
as a girl now, right?"  These were obviously rhetorical questions, so I
didn't bother trying to answer them.  "So, you're not sticking to your
assigned gender role."
     "I'm NOT gay!"  I wanted to make that REAL clear.
     He looked like he was about to yell something at me, but chuckled
instead.  "Val, you don't know anything about what you're doing, do
you?"
     I felt strangely embarrassed.  "What do you mean?"
     He recited, "Gender is what you ARE, sex is who you go to bed
with."  It sounded like some sort of weird proverb, the way he said it.
"So," he continued, more normally, "if you're a guy under all that but
make the rest of the world think you're a girl, that's sort of a
gender-body mismatch.  They have names for that, you know."
     "Like trans-it?"
     He laughed, I don't know why.  "That's a good one, I'm gonna have
to tell Sheila that," he said when he was mostly done.
     "Who's Sheila?"
     "Sheila's a friend of mine who's a transsexual."
     "A what?"

***
20:29 11 Mar

     He'd explained every term he could think of, and there were a lot
of terms he could think of, that dealt with gender.  I had a feeling
that none of them would come up on the SAT.
     "So I'm a...." I fed him a lead.
     "I dunno, you tell me."
     "Well I dunno, _you're_ the expert!" I snapped at him.
     "Look," he told me as he pulled into a parking space, "I can't tell
you what you are, unless you tell me what is getting you to do this."
     "I TOLD you already!" I complained.
     He sighed.  "Let's go upstairs and talk about it."

***
20:31 11 Mar

     Jack's apartment looked a whole lot nicer than Maddog's.  Not that
it was any great shakes.  But at least you could see the walls.  And it
looked like he did something with his trash besides tape it to the
ceiling.  But it was even smaller.
     "Hava seat," he pointed to the couch, or bed, or whatever it was.
It had sheets on it but looked like a couch.  I sat, carefully.  "Want
something to drink?"
     "Have any wine coolers?" I joked.
     "Coming right up!" he called, and he went into the kitchen.  "You
like strawberry or peach?"
     "Um, peach."  I thought I was kidding.
     He came back with two bottles, and handed me one before he sat on
the other end of the couch.  Or bed.  I tried a sip, and it was alright.
     "So, anyway, you told me what you think is motivating you," he
started right in again.  "But I don't think that's all there is."
     "Well..."  I sighed, hard, and took a swig.  Argh, it had a bit of
a bite to it.  "Um.  I think that's it, really."
     He shifted, and took a drink out of his bottle, which was some
kind of beer.  "Let's go over it."

***
20:44 11 Mar

     "So they accept you like this?"
     "Yeah, pretty much..."
     "You like that?"
     "Yeah!  I mean," I shrugged, "I like them, and it's fun to be
around them."
     "Why?"
     I gave him a look, for once.  "Because, Jack, I LIKE being around
girls."
     "So how do they accept you, as Valerie, that they wouldn't accept
you as your boyself?"
     "My what?  Oh."  I figured that one out.  "Um, I dunno, it's more
like I'm one of them, and not like it's them against me, or me against
them."  I smiled at him.  "You know how it is, when that boy-girl thing
gets in the way."
     He smiled, politely.  "So you hang with them, and it's like you're
one of the girls then?  Is it that way all the time?"
     "What do you mean?"
     "Well, you're in high school, right?  Do they treat you like a girl
at school?"
     "No... I mean, I sit with them at lunch or whatever, and talk with
them a lot, Pam's in my English class f'rinstance, but, um, not..."  I
was getting confused.  "I don't think they treat me like a girl when
we're at school."
     "Do they treat you different when you're at school, and when you're
not?"
     "Um."  I thought about it.  "Yeah, some, I mean, they don't make me
wear girl's clothes at school, and they're not always trying to 'teach'
me how to behave and stuff like that."
     "Is that it?"

***
20:52 11 Mar

     I was surprised to find that I'd drunk the entire bottle already.
     "Want another?" Jack asked.  I nodded, and he got up.  He held out
his hand, and after a few seconds, I handed him the bottle, which is
what he was waiting for, 'cause then he went back in the kitchen and got
another one for each of us.
     "So," he said as he came back and handed me a fresh cooler, "how
did you feel at the second party?"
     "Um, I dunno... it was pretty cool, I guess."
     "Did you feel comfortable?"
     "Yeah, it was, um," I took a sip, "um, just a bunch of friends
hanging out together."
     "Even though you were acting like a girl?"
     "Um... yeah, I guess.  They didn't push the point all the time.  I
was just sort of fitting in, and nobody brought it up."  I sighed,
remembering.  "It was nice, being with all of them.  I didn't really fit
in with girls before; they'd always be making fun of me or something.
With them, I mean, especially the last time I slept over, it was like,
we were talking about television and just, y'know, stuff.  It was cool,
just being with them, and, like, nobody making fun of me."
     "Well, what about when you went out those two times, when I saw
you?"
     I sighed.  I'd had a feeling that was going to come up again.

***
20:55 11 Mar

     "So, you're wandering around a club, dressed to kill, and you never
thought you might run into a guy?"
     I couldn't help giggling.  "Well, no, I USUALLY watch where I'm
going better!"
     He laughed a little at that.  "Yeah, and I am sorry, that's not how
I start talking to girls, it wasn't a ploy or anything-"
     "I know, I didn't think it was," I poked him to show no hard
feelings, "it was just funny.  Or it is now, anyway."

***
21:07 11 Mar

     "Well, how did you feel when I kissed you?"
     "Um."  I stared at the bottle in my hands.  Come to think of it, my
throat was dry, so I had some more.  "I dunno."
     "You do know," he told me confidently.
     "Um.  I-i-i-it was okay, I guess," I got out in a rush.
     "Even though it was a guy doing it?"
     Suddenly, I got mad.  I mean, it was all his idea in the first
place.  "Yes, even though it was a guy doing it!  I mean, I'm not the
only one to kiss someone, I mean, at least three of the girls I know
kissed girls too, and they liked it, and they said it wasn't any
different, that if it was a good kiss you'd like it no matter WHO was
doing it!  So, so... so yeah I liked it, okay!  That doesn't make me gay
or anything!"
     He pulled back and showed me his hands.  "Hey, I don't care, I
mean, it doesn't bother me what you are or anyth-"
     I was really enjoying turning the tables on him.  "You know," I
pointed at him, "you're the first one to bring that up!  I mean, what is
it, I mean, girls can kiss each other all the time but it doesn't mean
anything, so why does it matter if two guys do it?"  I stopped for a few
breaths.  I was getting really worked up.
     He shrugged.  "What _does_ it matter?"
     "_I_ don't know!  But YOU keep bringing it up like it has some deep
meaning in my life!  I mean, even my other GUY friends don't think it
matters that much, if I kiss you, or Tr-"
     Somehow, right then, I had a feeling I'd made a tactical error.
     He frowned for a second, then I saw the lightbulb come on over his
head.  So to speak.  "So what other guys have you kissed?"
     Ooops.

***
21:23 11 Mar

     "Well, you tell me what you think I am," I challenged him, and
twisted the cap off peach cooler number three.  And had some.
     "Hmmmm," he hummed, and leaned back and stared at the ceiling.  "I
dunno, quite.  You don't get off on the clothes, you say you don't enjoy
being a girl but you like what happens-"
     "Not everything!"
     "Not everything, but a lot of it, the social stuff, right?"
     "Uh, yeah.  Right."  I giggled at nothing.  Well, my shoes.  I was
a bit potted.
     "Soo..." he continued.  "I'd have to call you, um, geez."
     "You'd call me Jeez?  Oh, Jeez," I called in my English accent,
"get the door old bean, will you there's a good chap," and had a giggle
fit.

***
21:42 11 Mar

     "So?"
     He had a look in his eyes like he'd just figured out a nasty
integral, one of the ones that they stick at the end of tests.  "You're
an explorer," he said.
     "A what?"
     "Well, you're exploring, right?  Like what it is to be both sides,
right?"
     "Right!"  I could agree with that.  I think.
     "So, you're uh, you're exploring.  The other side."
     "The other side?"
     "Being a girl," he explained.
     "Oh.  Yeah!"  This sounded great.  Anything that didn't make me gay
sounded great.
     "So how come you kiss like a girl?"
     "What?"

***
22:08 11 Mar

     Jack was pacing as he pontificated (SAT word).  "You just, I mean,
LOOK AT YOU!" he barked as he whirled around and pointed at me.
     I made some sort of high pitched noise and jumped.  "Ahh!  What?!"
     He shook his head.  "You're, I mean, look at yourself, Valerie!
Just look!"
     I looked down, and saw pretty much what I had hoped to see - me in
the the all-too-familiar women's clothes - instead of what I was afraid
of - wine cooler spreading down my front like drool, or a bloody nose
that I hadn't noticed, or something.  "What?"
     "You're toasted-"
     "I am not!"  He glared at me.  "I'm NOT!"
     "Whatever.  Completely relaxed, un-self-conscious.  Look at how
you're sitting."
     I looked down.  Knees together, kind of tilted sideways, et cetera.
"Yeah, so?"
     He sighed.  "Never mind..."

***
22:23 11 Mar

     We were listening to some Steve Morse, whoever that was.  Jack had
his eyes closed like he did on stage, and he was really grooving to it,
and his fingers were twitching like he was really playing.
     He'd said the song was called "Ghostwind" or something like that,
and it was really cool, kind of windy and grey and autumn like.  I guess
that sounds kind of like it was a bad song, but it wasn't.  That's just
how it made me feel, like it was almost winter again, and a little sad.
     When it ended, I opened my eyes, and Jack was looking at me.
"What?"
     He kind of laughed.  "You look cute when you're swaying like that."
     I made a face at him.  "You look kind of cute when you're playing
air guitar like your life depended on it."  He did a wild Beavis riff
in the air, of course.

***
22:29 11 Mar

     "No, the neighbors complain if I play this late," he grumbled.
     "This l-  What time is it?"
     He looked at his watch.  "Ten thirty."
     "Oh, God, I gotta get home, and," and I didn't know if anyone was
still up, and they'd be pissed if I called, and who the hell was I going
to get to take me tomorrow, and-
     "Hey, chill, okay?"  I came back, and Jack was looking at me, kind
of concerned.  "Do you gotta be home soon?"
     "Yeah, I, oh, hell..."
     "Hey, I can take you.  I have a car, remember?"
     "Oh."  I thought about it.  "Um, okay, yeah, I guess.  I gotta,
um."
     He grinned at me.  "You gotta change before you go home?"
     I sighed.  "Yeah."
     He waved me towards the bathroom, at which time I suddenly realized
I had to go.  Bad.  "Ooh, uh..."  I was torn.
     He asked, "Your clothes in the car?"  I nodded.  "Want me to get
'em?"  I nodded again, and without waiting, made a dash for the
bathroom.

***
22:31 11 Mar

     He knocked on the door, so I made sure I was decent, and opened the
door.  He handed me my bag with his eyes shut.  So I grabbed the bag and
slammed the door and wedged it closed again.

***
22:39 11 Mar

     I took a deep breath, and opened the door.  He was watching for
this, of course.  "Well?" I asked.
     He shrugged.  "You look..."  Then he frowned.
     "What?"  I was embarrassed enough about looking like a guy in front
of a guy I'd kissed-
     "You look like you're about thirteen without makeup."
     I was tired of saying, "What?"  So I lied, "Oh, yeah.  Everyone
says that."
     He shook his head.  When I didn't say anything, he flourished at
the door.  "Ready?"
     I sighed.  "Yeah, let's go, I guess."
     "Hey," he started as we walked out, "do you need a ride tomorrow
too?  I got the impression..."

***
22:53 11 Mar

     We pulled up in front of my house.  "So, okay, tomorrow?  What
time?"
     "Um... is eight too early?  And then we could do breakfast?"
     "Uh.  What time do you have to be over there?"
     "Nine."
     He thought about it.  "How about seven thirty, and then we can take
our time."
     "Okay."  That sounded reasonable.
     Pause.
     "So..." I started, then trailed off.
     "Thanks for talking to me tonight," he said, and waggled his
eyebrows at me.
     I smiled at him.  "Thanks for not beating the hell out of me.  And
for, um, I dunno, understanding.  Or whatever."
     "Sure."  He held out an arm for a hug, so I sort of slid over the
console and gave him one.
     As I was pulling back, though, somehow, I turned to say something
and I guess he was doing the same thing or something, because our lips
brushed each other's cheeks.  I stopped, and kind of looked at him.
Needless to say, I was a little surprised.  He shrugged, and grinned,
and gave me a kiss on the lips.  So I gave him one back, sort of to show
him that I was on top of things too, before I grabbed my stuff and got
out of the car.  He waved and drove off.
     I was at the front door, and digging in a pack for my house keys,
when I realized, *I just kissed him.  Again.*

***
23:02 11 Mar

     As I was brushing my teeth, it hit me.  Don't ask me why.  But it
jumped on me, that that's what Kim and Jill were doing last Sunday.
They were trying to figure out what I kissed like.  *Now all I have to
do is get one of them to admit it, and then tell me what they thought...
Sort of a second opinion.*  Sure, no problem.  Haha.

***


TS Tip #19: Not many salesclerks will believe "It's for my wife/SO",
especially if it's your size.  And they CAN tell.

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"Ahh, no problems at all, officer... she likes being gagged like that."

"Tallyho!"      \   /     @>--,--'--  ehayes@nym.alias.net  + vicki .sig
Ellen Hayes --=(*)=(*)=-- Renaissance Woman    ==[--------  + virus 9.1a
            http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/5734/



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