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Tucky Guess -*- Copyright 2001 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Tucky Guess


***
18:07 13 Jul

     Mike gave me a thumbsup as he heaped his plate with food.  So did
Dan, and he nudged Ellen who smiled at me, and everyone else looked
happy too except me and Amy, 'cause we looked tired because we were
tired.  And kind of sick of the food, like you get after working on a
meal for several hours.  Bleah.
     On the other hand, the prawns were good, and I certainly deserved
them, so I had some.  Well, I had a lot; but I'd made a lot because I
knew Amy and I were going to want them, and we'd cooked them anyway.
     "White with seafood?" Brian confirmed, and there was general
acclaim, so he opened the bottle.

***
19:22 13 Jul

     "Because, doof, I cooked, and Amy cooked, so we ain't cleaning up,
no matter WHAT the schedule says," I informed Brian.  "Or I could stop
doing this and we could go back to Tired-Mom Meatloaf and stuff on
Sundays."  Not like Mom's food was bad, exactly; but Sunday was a busy
day for real estate, and so when she came home she wasn't really
bursting with creative culinary thoughts.  She'd cried a few times, on
really unexpectedly bad days, but Dad was never averse to throwing money
at pizza or Chinese or burgers to keep Mom from crying.  Or beating us
kids into cooking, but even he knew we couldn't whip up a meal in ten
minutes.
     Mom, by the way, was VERY happy when me and or Amy and or Susan
cooked on Sunday nights, I was learning.  I'd have to remember this
trick for the school year.
     Brian sighed, like I was torturing him.
     I suggested, "Why not get your friends to help, since they came and
ate like pigs?"
     "They-"
     "Man, they sure did like the food," Amy smiled, and everyone
nodded.  "So, they can help clean up," Amy agreed.  "That's only fair."
     Brian sighed again, but he was thinking about it.

***
19:39 13 Jul

     Dishes were being washed, and a table was being wiped, and pots and
pans were being scrubbed down to the metal, and none of it was by me.  I
sighed happily at this realization, and wriggled a bit so Julia's lap
was better supporting my head.
     "So can you come over and cook for us some night?" Julia asked me
from up above me.  I just smiled.
     "Rub her head and she'll agree to anything," said Kim, grinning.
     "I'm kind of like that," Rachel mentioned agreeably.  "I LOVE a
head or a neck rub."

***
19:41 13 Jul

     It was kind of funny to watch the adults, because us kids were
sprawled all over the front porch, passing around some Cutters to keep
the bugs away, and I guess it looked sort of like a clothed orgy because
they kept looking and then not-looking, like we were embarrassing them.
I don't know what the problem was; we all had our clothes on, and Amy
had been wearing the top of a two-piece bathing suit before she took off
her T shirt and demanded a back rub from one of Susan's guy friends.
     "You'd think they were scared we were contaminated or something," I
mentioned to Mike.
     "I think they're afraid we'd make them get naked."
     "But nobody's naked," I pointed out.
     "Yet."
     Pause.
     "Oh no WAY, Mike-"
     "I know that and you know that, but this group IS awful friendly
with you, and Kim and Amy on me, and Ellen on Dan..."  He shrugged as
Ellen and Dan looked over at us to see what we were talking about.

***
21:40 13 Jul

     "I love you, Tuck," Amy smiled, and hugged me and kissed my cheek.
     "I love you too, now go shower," I suggested, and kissed her cheek
back before I let go.
     She did have to go to work tonight.  I sighed, as she went into the
bathroom and locked the door.  I liked it better when she wasn't working
and we could hang out all the time-
     "Tuck?" from Brian almost made me yelp in surprise, but I didn't
quite, and I was glad for it.
     "What?" I said, sounding normal.
     "What IS it with you and her?" he asked, jerking a thumb at the
bathroom.
     I shrugged, feeling like spreading some disinformation over my
brother's head like a bucket full of manure, and said, "Well, you know,
when you sleep with a person for a while, then you get used to them,
right?  Oh, wait," and I slapped myself in the forehead, "you wouldn't
know anything about that, would you?"
     "At least I don't have to get my relatives to compensate when my
girlfriend dumps me," he sneered, and went down the stairs.
     I was going to have to wire the little bastard's bed to explode, I
finally decided.

***
22:02 13 Jul

     "Hey Dad?"
     "Yo," Dad said, demonstrating that he was still a dork and hadn't
been replaced with a pod person or something.  "What?"
     "We gotta talk about expenses, for this food," I said.
     His eyebrows went up.  And that was all.
     "Don't give me that, you-"
     "Don't say something like that to your dear father, Eugene, or I'll
have to nail you to the ceiling," Dad said.  Positive, as they say,
authentication.
     And that, I found out after a while, was all he was going to say.
He was being irritating tonight.  Which was not out of range, for his
behavior, but it was still a pain in my ass.
     "Well?  I mean, it was well over a hundred today-"
     "Are you serious?" he asked seriously.
     "Yeah, I mean...  Closer to two, actually.  See?"  I showed him the
receipts from the stores and the bakery.
     He looked at them.
     "Good lord," he said.
     "I mean, it's GOOD food, but it's expensive," I reminded him.
     He nodded, looking at me over his glasses.  "I sort of noticed
that."  He sighed.  "Do you need the cash, or would a funds transfer
into your savings account do it?"
     I shrugged.  "Transfer's fine, just let me know when, 'kay?"  He
nodded.  "A bonus as a gratuity would also be appreciated," I hinted.
     "I bet it would," he agreed, smiling.
     I sighed.  He was really going all out, tonight.
     "Eugene, I WILL get the funds transfer in the morning," Dad said,
turning to his keyboard and banging it a while, I guessed setting a
reminder or a cron'ed funds transfer-
     Which brought up the interesting question, of 'Can I hack his
system and make the cron job repeat?'  And the obvious followup, 'Maybe
every night?'
     I guess I shifted into Hack Mode before I made it out of Dad's
lair, because I don't remember him saying anything else.  Or anything
else.

***
02:11 14 Jul

     I finally noticed my bladder, which was overfull and threatening me
with excruciating embarrassment in moments, and as I ran for the toilet
I looked at my watch.  "Oops."
     And I still hadn't figured out what Dad had done with his system to
remind him.
     And jeez was I in pain, especially my eyes and my fingers.  And
bladder, but I made it in time to take care of that little problem, and
then it was just a matter of waiting until the pressure valves shut off.

***
06:00 14 Jul

     "Oh, noooooooo," I moaned after I'd reflexively slapped the alarm
into cowed abused codependent silence.  The problem with a day job is
that it had a schedule on it, and that tended to interfere with my life.
     Dad was right; I had to get a bitchin' education and a lot of
letters to stick after my name so I could run around like a bum, like he
did.  Old goat bastard.  He COULD have just GIVEN me retirement at
eighteen, like I deserved, but NOooo...  I had to be a decent person, I
had to be raised right, I wasn't going to be like those other spoiled
brats... what was wrong with being a spoiled brat, as long as it was me?

***
06:09 14 Jul

     I was reminded that I was not yet in a position to be the spoiled
brat I deserved to be, and Dad had hidden his financial transaction too
well for me to find remotely, so I had no choice but to get up with this
stupid alarm.  I was trapped, just like a mink, ready to be skinned...

***
06:18 14 Jul

     I hit the alarm speaker a lot and made it out my bedroom door
before I switched back to reality and comprehended that I didn't have to
worry about that old trapper catching me, because he wasn't real.  Or he
wasn't in this reality.  Whatever.  My stinky shower-needing self was,
though, and if I hurried...

***
07:37 14 Jul

     I hated hurrying, but it paid off, because I was a little early at
the Parkers' and they had cream for their coffee, some of which had just
become my coffee because I drank out of it and it was now contaminated
with me.  *Ha ha ha,* I thought soberly, and sipped at the brew some
more.

***
07:41 14 Jul

     "Good morning, Valerie," Miz Parker told me as she came in holding
Stella.
     "No it isn't," I let out before my brain tried to inhibit my mouth.
     I was trying to think of an apology - it was hard - when she said,
"Not feeling chipper this morning?"
     I suspended the apology job and forked a new verbal process, which
grabbed /dev/mouth and output, "No, we are not feeling chipper."
     I knew then that I was well and truly fsck'd.

***
07:45 14 Jul

     Apparently, Miz Parker wasn't my mom, because she laughed instead
of grounding me for insolence.
     I guess, that yeah, it should have been obvious she wasn't my
mother, since my dad had supposedly sworn never to have another child
unless he killed one of us - not if we died, just if he was forced to
kill one or more of us himself - when Brian was 'playing' with a friend
in the car and managed to start it and run backwards through the garage
door.  And Miz Parker was obviously nursing a fresh child.  Therefore.
     You could also figure it out from another direction, like she
looked nothing like my mother, I guess.
     But you expect people to act like your parents, until proven
otherwise.
     So I was torturing some pancake batter instead of running for my
room, which wasn't even in this house.
     "So, did you and Travis go out this weekend?" she asked, which was
something else my mother wouldn't-

***
07:46 14 Jul

     *Oh shit shit shit shit please please please-*  And my prayers were
answered.  "Hello?" Travis answered.
     "Travis?!"  Jeez, I sounded like I was in a total panic.  That
bugged people.  "Um, hi, I was, uh, hoping I could catch you before work
today-"
     "What's your pager number?" he interrupted.  "I lost it somehow,
don't hate me-"
     "You lost it?"
     "Yeah, I-"
     "That's all?  Really?"
     Pause.
     "All?" he asked back.
     "I, uh, I th..."  I really didn't want to even hint at what I'd
been thinking.  Or think it.  Or remember that I had ever thought it.
"Um, do you have a pen?  For the pager number?"
     "Oh uh hold-"  And then he fell down the stairs, or something that
sounded like that.  I think I heard a shrieked, 'Shit!' but that could
have been me hearing things.  *Oh dear,* I thought, and wondered if I
should hang up and call 911 before I remembered I didn't know what his
street-and-number address was.  But I had his phone number, maybe I
could-
     "Valerie?" Travis gasped.
     "Yeah?"
     "Are you still there?"
     I felt better; I wasn't the only person here who said stupid
things.  "Yeah, I'm here, are you okay?"
     "Uh...."  *No.*  I knew what that pause meant.  "Yeah."  *Liar.*
"What's your number?" Travis asked.

***
07:48 14 Jul

     "Val?"
     "Yeah?"
     "I gotta go now, can, can I see you tonight?"
     "Yeah, sure, you know where I..."
     I'd forgotten where I was myself.  *Ohhhh, NOOoooooo....*
     "Okay, I'll see you at five thirty, okay?  Bye," he said, and hung
up.
     I hung up too.
     *Did I just have a panic over a guy in front of Miz Parker when I
was supposed to be working?*
     Yes, I had.
     *Did she notice?*
     A look told me she had.
     *Can I kill myself before she asks-*
     "Valerie?"
     Too late.

***
07:49 14 Jul

     "Um."
     "So, he lost your number?" she asked.
     "T-"  I had to clear my throat; my frog was acting up.  "Th- that's
what he said, anyway."
     She chuckled, once.  "And are you going to see him today?"
     "AFTER I get off work," I emphasized.  "It's just, he, he said he'd
call Friday night, and then he didn't over the weekend, and so I was
sort of worried when you reminded me.  So-"
     "_I_ reminded you?" she asked incredulously.
     "YOU asked if we went out, remember?" I reminded her.
     She thought for a moment.  "Oh.  Okay, I guess I did," she
admitted.
     "And he hadn't called, and I was really busy all yesterday and
hardly had time to think at all about what I was doing at the time,
never mind other things, and then it was this morning."
     "Would you have called him later today, if I hadn't reminded you?"
     I shrugged.  "I don't have his work number, and he doesn't get off
until five o'clock anyway.  I might have gone over to his house after I
got off work, though," I admitted.
     She smiled and shook her head, like she was that much smarter than
me.

***
08:11 14 Jul

     "You have a BOYfriend?" Gary asked, sounding completely
scandalized.
     "That is GROSS!" Ricky announced.
     "Would you guys shut UP!  He's not my boyfriend anyway!"
Especially in the view of three boys who couldn't keep their mouths shut
without superglue, he wasn't gonna be my boyfriend.
     "Then why did Mom say-"
     "SHE thought he was, and I didn't want to argue with her."
     "You're lying," Ricky said confidently.
     I looked down at my hand, made a fist, and looked back at Ricky.
"You want to try saying that again?" I asked.
     He hemmed and hawed, but the eventual decision was that no, he
would rather not.  His cousins didn't want to either.

***
13:29 14 Jul

     I sighed, and rocked Stella back and forth.  What was I gonna do
about Travis?
     "What am I gonna do?" I asked her, and she looked at me, and
frowned for a moment, before she indicated she wanted down.
     I guess she thought I was going to help her crawl, because that was
what she was doing, before she stopped and looked at me like 'Aren't you
coming?'
     I didn't think this was going to help, but I was willing to try.

***
17:34 14 Jul

     *Oh, damnit,* I cursed to myself.  Travis had arrived, but neither
of the older Parkers had.
     I kept watching him from the slit in the curtains, and he wasn't
getting out to come find me, at least.  I hoped he wouldn't.
     *But then he might get impatient and leave,* I realized, and then I
told the boys not to leave the room or I'd abuse them and I grabbed
Stella and out the door I went.
     "Hey, Val," he said when he saw me, and smiled.
     "Hey," I said, trying to sound casual while I was out of breath.
It was hard.  "Um, nobody's home, I mean the grownups aren't home yet,
so I gotta stay for a while longer, okay?"
     "Yeah, that's okay," he agreed.  "Um, you wanna go do something
tonight?"
     "Um..."  I didn't think anyone else could reliably interfere with
me once one of the Parkers got home, so I said, "Yeah, that'd be great!"
     "Cool," he said, bobbing his head up and down.

***
17:39 14 Jul

     I had no idea how I'd managed the superhuman feat of pulling myself
away from Travis, but I had, and done it an entire two minutes before
Miz Parker pulled into the driveway.  "Shhhhhhew," I said, and Stella
laughed at me.

***
17:41 14 Jul

     "Do I need to change, or is this okay?" I asked him as I got into
his Suburban.  It still looked like a Bronco or a Blazer or something
like that to me.
     "No, that's cool," he said, and smiled.  "You hungry?"

***
18:04 14 Jul

     He just wanted fast food, and that was okay with me, so we went
through a drive through Wendy's, and I got a burger and a shake and he
got this massive amount of food.  I was sort of scared he was going to
eat it all, too.
     He still seemed kind of nervous, but we'd been talking about books,
and that seemed to make him calmer, for some reason.  I was glad enough
to be talking about them; it wasn't common.

***
18:29 14 Jul

     I finished wiping my mouth, remembering too late why Wendy's might
have been a bad idea when I was dressed like this.  I think I wiped off
half my makeup too, but since we'd stopped, alongside a small park in a
neighborhood that looked vaguely familiar, and his truck had a vanity
mirror, and I was feeling vain enough to use it, I could put most of it
back on.
     I thought it was kind of funny, which was part of the reason I was
smiling so much.

***
18:34 14 Jul

     The reason the neighborhood looked familiar is that we had been
about two streets away from the Parkers' house.  "What?" I asked as we
pulled up to my car.  I was hoping this wasn't it, but I was afraid it
was, because this had all the signs of an impending goodnight.
     "Valerie?" Travis said, and when I looked at him, I began to think
that it might not be 'goodnight', but 'goodbye'.  I wished I hadn't
eaten so much.  Or anything.
     "Can," Travis asked, sounding less happy than I felt, "can we
talk?"
     "A-a-a-"  That wasn't working.  "Yeah," I got out.  I didn't have
to ask about what; I'd find out quick enough anyway.

***
18:37 14 Jul

     I thought.  Haha.
     Finally, the silence was too much.  "Travis, if you need to ask me
something, then ask it, okay?  Please?  THIS is making me nuts."
     "Sorry," he rumbled apologetically.  "Um, it's, it's just hard."
     "WHAT?!" I accidentally shrieked.  "Sorry!  Travis, just ask!" I
begged him.
     "Val..." he said softly, trailing off into the same threatening
silence.
     I was about to scream again, because a beating would be easier to
take than this anticipation, when he came back.  "...I talked to Lisa,
after that party, the one at Spring Break, where... where that, that-"
     "Happened?" I said, so he wouldn't have to name it.
     He continued, not even acknowledging me, "Because, because it
didn't make sense, and a lot of other stuff didn't make sense either.
So, so I waited, and a couple of weeks later, I caught her at a
party..."
     *Oh no.*
     I wanted to pass out, and I wanted to run like hell, but somehow I
didn't do either.
     I just sat there.
     "She was getting drunk, and I got her more drunk, and then I took
her home, and I asked her about you, out in the car.  And she told me."
     The whole world twirled, and I had to grab on to the edge of the
seat to keep from spinning, and to remind me which way was down.
     "She didn't remember it later," he said calmly.  "I, I guess that,
that she didn't tell you about it."
     I shook my head, very slowly and very delicately.  I hoped he could
see what I was doing, because I couldn't look anywhere else or I'd throw
up.  I might do that anyway, and I spared a glance towards the door, and
felt for the handle with one hand, just in case.
     "So, so, I didn't know what to think, I mean... I mean, I liked
you," he said, "and I know you didn't like me that much, at least at
first, because I got drunk that time, and because of everything else..."
     *What everything else?* I wanted to ask, stupidly, but for once the
lump in my throat did me a service, because I couldn't say anything.
     "...but then I thought you were starting to like me, and, and then,
and then, you, you went crazy that night, and I couldn't figure it out.
And then when Lisa told me, told me..."  He trailed off into that
poisonous silence again.
     "Whhrrr," I choked.  "Whhhhat," I breathed, "what diiiiid sh-h-he
telllll you," I forced out, reeling with the effort.
     He didn't say anything long enough that I finally had to look at
him, to make sure he was still conscious.  He was looking at me, which I
did NOT expect, and I was caught.
     He blinked, eventually, and I got back into my own body and closed
my eyes.  He knew; I had seen it in his eyes.
     His soft, "That you used to be a guy," was anti-climactic at that
point.
     The beating wasn't going to hurt, at least not at first, because I
felt like I'd already been tenderized, pulped even, and there wasn't
anything left in me to resist the blows and kicks; it'd be like beating
up a puddle.  And once it stopped, I could live through the healing,
unless he actually managed to kill me, and no one had managed that yet.
Even if he did, Mike would kill him if I died.  
     It was almost quiet inside the car, and so it was sort of a shock
when the orchestra stopped and the announcer started asking for money to
support the classical arts...
     *I'm not getting hit!* I realized.
     That galvanized me enough to look at Travis again, and he was
looking at me.  I managed to avoid his eyes this time, but it was still
stunning.
     "I didn't," he continued, before I could recover, "I didn't know
what to think, I mean...  I'd never even thought, I mean, I never..."
He seemed as baffled as I had been.  As I was.  I thought it best not to
say anything, though.
     He chewed on his thoughts for a while, then he said, and I could
tell from the way it sounded he was looking at me again, but I was
watching my hands as they gripped each other, tight enough to force the
blood out, "And then I ran into you at, before my prom, remember?  And
you were with all those other girls, and they didn't seem like they,
like... I mean, I didn't know what to think.  And then I ran into you
at, uh, that place-"
     "Mixers?" I supplied without looking at him.  In fact, I closed my
eyes as I said it, just in case.  Then I remembered what I'd done, and I
winced.
     "And I thought it was you, coming out, and then this guy, he was
one of the guys in the band, I thought-"
     "Johnny, yeah," I sighed.
     "And then...."
     Pause.  Long, painful pause, as my arrythmia danced around my
chest.
     "I didn't know it was you," I said meekly.
     "I know, and it was a stupid thing to do," he admitted, and he
sounded like he wasn't looking at me any more, so I risked a look.  He
wasn't, he was staring at the steering wheel, or his own hands, or
something in that direction.  I looked back down before he could catch
me again.
     "And then..."
     There was a long pause after that, and I mentally whirled around
the last two weeks, trying to guess what he was going to refer to next.
Meeting in the mall?  Necking in his truck afterwards?  Chinese food?
Going to his place?  Last Friday?
     "I don't know," he said, and for one dizzy instant I thought he was
my own head talking to me in a different voice.
     "I don't know what to do," he said, and he sounded kind of upset.
"What do I do?"  Now he sounded really upset.
     This was scary again; was he asking me?  I had to look...  I didn't
want to, but I thought that because he sounded like that and he was
staring at me, that I had to turn to look at him.
     So I did.  I risked a momentary glance, and he was staring at me.
     He looked like I felt, and I didn't know what to say any more than
he did, and he was Looking at me...
     Until I couldn't look at him any more, and I had to drop my face,
because I was starting to tear up.  "I, I'm sorry," I forced out, and
then I couldn't even run, I just cried.

***
18:40 14 Jul

     I was completely miserable until something touched my face,
something soft.  I was confused enough to look up, out of myself, and it
was Travis, wiping my face with a kleenex.
     I was so surprised I almost stopped crying.

***
18:41 14 Jul

     Travis finished wiping my face, I guess, because he stopped, and
then in a thick voice, he said, "I didn't want to hurt you..."
     I snuffled and told him, "I don't want you to hurt me either."  My
voice was more raw than I expected, and it sounded gross to me.
     "Valerie," Travis said softly, and he touched my face again, with
his fingers this time.
     They sent the usual sparks into my nervous system.  I could hardly
believe he was doing this, though, and I had to catch his hand and pull
it away.  "Travis?!?  D-d-d-"  I couldn't say it, suddenly.
     "What?" he asked, looking upset again himself.
     I swallowed.  "D-d-d-"  *Damnit!*  "D-doesn-n-n-nn't, doesn't it,
me, b-b-b-bother you?"  I had to know, and right now.  Before he touched
me again.  Because if he touched me again like that, I'd do anything he
wanted, including stand still.
     He moaned, as his eyes winced shut, like I'd stabbed him.  I tried
not to moan with him, and I let go of his hand, which retracted towards
him and curled up with his other one, twisting around in front of him.
     "That's what," he growled out, pushing past his own throat frog,
"that's what bothers me so bad...."
     The only reason I didn't run then was that I thought he would have
started killing me already, if he meant what he'd just said like I
thought he meant it.
     I waited, trying to gasp silently, as his eyes stayed closed and
his arms twitched around him, and I watched him carefully, because I
might have been wrong and I might still want to run for my life-
     "NO!" Travis announced firmly, and his eyes shot open and he LOOKED
at me, worse than he ever had before, and I couldn't move.
     As I stopped breathing, he started, like he was suddenly breathing
for both of us.  "No," he said softer, "no...  It...  I mean..."  His
eyes closed again, but not long enough for me to escape because they
opened momentarily.  "I, I really, like, you, Valerie," he said, spacing
the words out slowly with the effort it was taking him to say them.
     I started getting a little desperate, and started to force-breathe
again.
     "I mean," he went on, easier and quicker this time, "I never... and
then you... I mean, what do I DO?" he asked, Looking right into me
again.
     "I don't know!" I said, terrified again as I was pinned in my seat
by his eyes.  My heart fluttered and tried to get out.
     "But, but... you, you're, you're..." he stuttered.
     "You think _I_ know what to do?" I gasped in shock.
     He nodded.
     "I've never even kissed a guy before you!" I yelled at him, at the
girls, at Mike, at myself, at everyone.
     "You didn't?" he asked, sounding in shock himself.
     "NO!" I protested.
     Travis looked like I'd slapped him.
     "No," I said, softer, afraid... afraid I'd lost.  "Never.  I... I
didn't know I wanted to, before you," I told him truthfully.
     Sometimes, in an important conversation, my dad had told me,
"Sometimes you just have to get naked."
     Now I knew what he meant.
     Because, if I didn't want to lose Travis, I had to say, out loud,
"Travis, I didn't know, before you, but I'm sure now..."  I took a slow
breath, in, and out, and in again, before I could say, almost calmly,
"I like guys, Travis.  I'm sure of it, now.  And, especially, you."

***
18:44 14 Jul

     My statement had, I guess, shocked us both, because I couldn't
think of anything else to say, and he wasn't saying anything.
     On the other hand, he wasn't beating me, and I hadn't died.
     So I guess it was okay, in some sense, to like guys, and this one
in particular.
     He hadn't said anything by the time my breathing started to slow a
little, so I added some explanation.  "I mean, I didn't mean to, to, to
like commit to anything...  I just liked being with you.  And, and, I
thought about it, a lot, remember that time we went and walked all that
way, before it rained and you got so wet?"  He nodded, eventually.  "I
thought about it then...  And...  And I found out I really, really liked
you a lot, I mean, I really..."  The words weren't coming out.  Damnit.
I pushed harder, and got, "I wanted you, more than I ever wanted anyone
before in my life, more than I thought I could want anyone in my life.
But I mean, I didn't know, before I thought about it, and I didn't,
like, plan this or anything.  It's...  It's as new to me, as it is to
you, really..."
     Pause, in which I continued to breathe, and my heart settled down.
     "Really?" he asked.
     I nodded.
     Another pause.
     Something moved, and I looked down, and it was his hand, moving
towards me, slowly and cautiously...  I put my hand, which was still
shaking, on top of his, and his fingers curled around mine.

***
18:48 14 Jul

     I was not ready for the shift from soft violins to some nasal
person whining about money for the arts, and I slapped desperately at
the stereo presets before Travis finished flinching.
     And got Robert Palmer, I think, singing, "When I took,"
      you out,
      I knew what you were all about.
      But when I did,
      I didn't mean to turn you on.
      Ooooh,
      I didn't mean to turn you on..."
     You had to laugh.
     We did.

***
18:53 14 Jul

     "If you're lost,
      you can look
      and you will find it,
      time after time...
      If you fall,
      I will catch you.
      I'll be-"
     "I will be waiting," I sang as clearly as I could.
     "Time after time..."
     I never thought I could sing, but in his arms, I could.
     Besides, it was nice outside the truck.
     Especially in his arms, swaying gently back and forth.

***
19:02 14 Jul

     "Valerie?" Travis asked, and I looked up at him.  "What..."
     "Whatever you want," I smiled.
     "Can... can we go to my place and talk?" he asked, cautiously.
     I thought about it.  "Yeah, we can do that, if you have something
to drink there?"
     "Is ginger ale okay?" he asked.

***
19:24 14 Jul

     I sighed, and snuggled against his big warm body.  Being on a couch
with your boyfriend beat just about anything else, I decided.
     "Can you talk like that?" he asked me.
     "Mmm hmmm," I assured him.

***
19:25 14 Jul

     I'd lied.  I had to move away from him and get a little distance,
at least, but I managed to flick my sandals off and stick my feet under
his legs, so I was still touching him, which made me feel better.
     "So?" he asked me.
     "Well... the first time you saw me was at that party, right?
Lisa's Halloween party," I clarified.  He nodded.  "That was the first
time, I swear.  My first time in heels, too," I giggled, and wiggled my
feet.
     "No way," he disputed.
     "I swear!"
     "Nuh uh," he said with certainty.
     "Travis!"
     "I mean, I could tell it was your first time in heels," he lied,
"but... no way," he shook his head.  He repeated it in case I missed it,
"No way."
     "Travis!" I shrieked again.  "Why would I lie about it NOW?!"
     He got kind of shocked again.  "Your first time..."
     "And," I picked up my ginger ale can and looked at it, because I
couldn't look at him and say this without exploding, "my very first time
out, and I get picked up by this HUGE guy, who's wearing a bloody
CUTLASS-"
     "Oh NO!" he sort of choked, "I forgot about that!"
     "You WERE!  And you KISSED me!" I accused.
     "_I_ did?"
     "You DID!"
     "When?!"
     "When you got done dancing, you had to go home early, and you
kissed me on the cheek, right before you left, remember?"  I couldn't
believe it; he'd for-
     "That doesn't count as a KISS," he argued.

***
20:50 14 Jul

     "So what DO you have?"
     I sighed.  "It's really complex.  I sort of won the genetic lottery
with this, except I got the booby prize, you know?  Like that old show
with Monty Hall, like where one of the contestants picks the wrong thing
and gets two tons of Jello or something?"  He chuckled, indicating that
he at least had the idea.

***
21:09 14 Jul

     We sat in silence, not quite looking at each other.  I felt so
tired.  And cold.  No, that was-  "Travis?" I asked.  "Can... can I
cuddle with you?" I asked.  If he hadn't killed me yet, he wasn't going
to, I was sure.  Now.
     He nodded, not saying anything, but he put his arm up so I could
wriggle underneath it and get next to him.

***
21:44 14 Jul

     "Val?" rumbled a friendly earthquake.
     "Hnnnhhh," I sighed happily, and wriggled a little closer.
     "Valerie?"
     "Hnmmm?" I managed.  "Wh't?"
     "Can I ask you a question?"
     The last thing I wanted to do was answer any more questions, but I
sat up a little, and opened my eyes.  "What?"
     "Were... Friday, you said, you asked..."  He was actually blushing,
which distracted me from what he was mumbling.
     When I finally processed it, though, I uttered, "Oh!  Yeah?"
     "wrryrsrss?" he mumbled so badly I couldn't understand it.
     "What?"
     He turned redder - he was looking like Kim, now - and I leaned a
little closer this time, and managed to make out, "Were you serious?"
     Now it was my turn to blush, but I nodded.

***
21:46 14 Jul

     I gave up waiting.  "Would you like me to, now?" I asked.
     He nodded silently, looking like he was done and ready for carving,
he was so red and cooked-looking.
     "Travis?"
     He couldn't look at me, though I saw him try.
     Which is why I grabbed his head with both hands and pulled him up
and made him look at me.  "Travis?" I said again, though I knew he was
paying attention now.
     "Uh huh?" he said, sounding guilty.
     "It's okay, I don't..."  That was a bad word to use, I realized
after I said it.  On the other hand, I had to finish the statement off
in a positive fashion, I saw, or he'd freak out.  "I don't MIND," I
emphasized, "I want to... but I've never done it before, okay?  So, so,
so I need your help, okay?"
     He nodded without saying anything.
     "Oh, Travis," I sighed, and just put my head against his.  After a
few moments, I kissed him.
     *That's nice,* I realized or remembered or whatever, and we started
doing it a little more.

***
21:57 14 Jul

     It was even nicer straddling him and kneeling on the couch and
kissing him from the front, because he was doing wicked things to my
bottom, but there was no way I could do what we'd talked about,
especially for the first time, without being able to see what I was
doing, so I had to get off.
     *In a minute.*

***
21:59 14 Jul

     God, he was a good kisser.
     *In a minute,* I told myself.

***
22:00 14 Jul

     My watch went off, and that sort of got my attention and reminded
me that I'd have to be home eventually, and so maybe I didn't have all
night to be with him-
     *Oh, but he's got his own place,* I realized, as I realized what
that MEANT.

***
22:01 14 Jul

     Someone else's watch went off, which reminded me that if I wanted
to do anything TONIGHT, I'd better get started, because Travis had
already shown this weird sort of morality about my curfew.
     Which is why I pulled back from him and smiled.  "You ready?" I
asked, and found out I was pretty breathless.  I hadn't noticed.
     "Yeah," he said, sounding just as breathless as me.
     So I slid off his lap  to the right and ended up sitting next to
him, with his arm around me.
     Before he could, I fumbled with his fly, and found out he had a
zipper there-
     "Areyou-" he gasped as I tugged.
     "What?" I asked back, afraid we hadn't been talking about the same
thing.  "Um-"
     "That's okay, it's okay," he said, breathing even heavier, "I just
thought I'd have to..."
     "I'll try," I said, emphasizing 'try', and went back to pulling
down.  Not too much later, his fly was completely open.
     Now I had to put my hand in there.
     Pause.
     I took a deep breath, and put my hand in there.
     And found an awful lot of underwear.  As well as a 'suspicious'
bulge roughly down one side, and... and...
     "Oh my God," I breathed as my hand recoiled in fear.
     "What?"
     "That's HUGE!"
     "What," he said skeptically.
     "It's HUGE!" I repeated, looking at him.  Oh my God-
     "No it isn't," he disputed.
     "It IS!"  And I couldn't possibly maneuver something like that
through a tiny slit somewhere in what felt like briefs.  "Get up," I
ordered.
     "What?"
     "Get.  UP!" I demanded, and stood up myself, pulling on his arm.
"You need to help me with this."
     He chuckled, but stood up, and up, and up...God, he was a hunk...
     "What?" he asked, and I realized that I'd been staring at him.
     "Um," I swallowed.  "Can, can you take your pants off?" I asked
him.
     "Are you serious?" he said, like he didn't believe this was
happening.
     "This is not something I'd make a mistake about, okay?  I'm pretty
sure," I told him.  I wasn't entirely sure this was happening either, as
he undid the button on his jeans and then slid them down, exposing-
     "Oh my GOD!"
     "Oh get off, it is NOT-"
     "It IS!" I insisted.  "Oh my God!"
     It twitched at me.
     "Oh my God," I repeated.  "I gotta sit down," I told him, and I
did.  I felt kind of dizzy.
     "You don't have to if you don't want to," he reminded me.
     "I know... Oh, jeez...  Can, can I see it?  Can you pull your
briefs down?"
     He shook his head at me, like he couldn't believe me, and then he
grabbed the waistband and pulled them down slowly.
     His penis caught on the waistband and then sprung loose.
     "Ahhh!" I said when it did.  It WAS huge.
     "Oh come ON, Valerie," he laughed.  "I measured it, and it is right
at six and a half inches, or six, depending on where you measure from."
     I looked at it, looked at my hand, looked at it... "I guess," I
agreed slowly.  It looked a lot larger than something called 'six'.
     And very very red, and very very erect.
     "Can, can I touch it?" I asked him.
     "Ye-  Let me sit down," he said, and did, next to me.
     Pause.  I don't know what Travis was looking at.
     Eventually, I reached out a cautious hand and slowly touched it.
"Jeez," I said, because it felt like touching a skull or an elbow or
something, it was so stiff.  It twitched, but I tried not to scream, and
just stroked it a little.
     "Oooohhhhh," Travis moaned, and when I looked up, his eyes were
shut and he looked... well, he wasn't smiling, but I thought he was
happy anyway.
     *I can do this,* I reassured myself, and started stroking his penis
a little more.  And a little more, and he moaned and moved under my
hand, which I thought was sort of like a sign I was doing it right.

***
22:07 14 Jul

     "Val, I-i-i-"
     "Okay," I reassured him, guessing what he was trying to say.  "Go
ahead," and stroked a little more, with my right hand around his penis
and my left wrapped around his waist.
     He moaned a little, and twitched some on the couch, moving me along
with him, and then arched his back - I could feel the muscles in his
back going rigid - and then he exploded.
     I mean, sort of literally, because there was this STUFF fountaining
straight out of the end of his penis.
     I suppose I should have remembered what it looked like, from
assorted video porn over the years, but I screamed in shock first,
because I hadn't thought that normal guys actually did that; I thought
it was special effects, like the boobs on some of them.
     And, when I pulled my hand away in reaction, it just went
EVERYwhere.
     "Wha-" he said once, and then I think he sort of instinctively took
over, because his hand reached out and did something to himself that I
couldn't quite see, and then it stopped, eventually.

***
22:08 14 Jul

     "I have NEVER seen a guy cum!" I told Travis.  "Except in porn
movies, and I thought that was all BS!"
     "You're kidding me, r-"
     "WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT!?" I shrieked.  "WHY would I LIE?!"
     He had no answer for that.
     Since he didn't, at least not when I got some breath back, I
continued, "And I thought all the stuff was like bullshit, like how
every guy in a porno has a seven- or nine- inch cock or something and
all the girls are hot and young and have these cow-udder boobs and wear
stockings and heels and no panties and stuff!  And if you have an affair
and your wife catches you having sex the first thing she's gonna do is
take off her clothes and join in-"
     Travis was now laughing so hard he couldn't sit up.
     "It's not funny!" I yelled at him.
     He nodded helplessly, and then mewled like one of the girls before
bursting out again, and that started me chuckling too.

***
22:16 14 Jul

     I guess that the only decent thing I could do was help him clean
up.  But, jeez, it HAD gone everywhere.

***
22:21 14 Jul

     "Stop kissing me for a minute!"
     "A MINUTE?  You're crazy!  Five seconds," I told him.
     We breathed for a while, as I counted silently.
     "Val, I don't want you to-"  He spent a while fending me off, which
was unfairly easy for him since he was so much bigger than me.
"Valerie!" he protested.
     "What?!"
     "I can see you tomorrow night!" he said, sounding kind of desperate
which made me suspicious of his suggestion.
     On the other hand, there wasn't a good reason we couldn't go out
the next night...

***
22:58 14 Jul

     "Just, out with a couple of friends you haven't met," I semi-lied
to Dad.  "But I got in by eleven."
     "True.  Amy said hi, by the way," Dad mentioned.

***
23:06 14 Jul

     And they were sending me nasty emails too, I noticed, when I
checked.  I guess they weren't that nasty, but I really didn't need
copies of everything that Dad's spam filters had caught that day.  So I
sent THEM some copies of rhinocerous_mating.jpeg, renamed to keep their
interest, which ought to keep them occupied for a while, set mail coming
from either of them at work at night to bounce back fifteen times, and
finished getting ready for bed.
     Amy had left a nightgown on top of my bed, too, which was kind of
strange, since it wasn't mushed into a pile with the rest of her
clothes.  I thought about it, and decided that she wanted to wear it
tomorrow morning when she got home, so I hung it up someplace very
visible, and went to bed.

***
06:01 15 Jul

     I was, I decided slowly, much happier dreaming about Travis, than I
was about going to work and waiting eleven hours and some before I saw
him.
     Not that anyone cared, of course.

***
06:52 15 Jul

     "Something nice," I mumbled to myself, and Rachel agreed wordlessly
before she rolled over.  *Ooops.*  I reminded myself not to think out
loud in her bedroom while she was sleeping.

***
07:41 15 Jul

     "You look happy," Miz Parker told me, interrupting my train of
thought completely.
     "I was..."  Damnit.  "I was thinking of Travis," I admitted.  I
felt immensely stupid.
     "Uh huh," she said, and smirked.
     "What?" I demanded.  I recognized that smirk-
     "It's nothing, really, Valerie," she said, sounding almost
apologetic about it, unlike one of my siblings would have.  That's where
I recognized the smirk from.  "It's just Travis has seen you an awful
lot the last few weeks that _I_ know about, and then you had 'that
look'," she said like I knew what 'that look' was.  And she was smiling
again when she said it too.
     "Don't tell the boys?" I asked her.
     Her face went ALL puzzled at that.  "Why not?"
     "Because, I don't want them to tease me about it, and they would,
because they are small boys and at that age, dating is immensely funny."
I guess I had Brian to thank for that knowledge, because when he was
seven Susan was thirteen and starting, just, to date, and me being a
completely rational ten, I could objectively watch how both of them
reacted.  Both of them had been such children about things.
     "Really?" she asked, like she didn't know this already.
     I snorted.  "Oh jeez, ask anyone with boys that age.  Or ask a boy
who didn't get strangled at that age."  I'd been in danger of that, but
that was from other things I'd done.  "It's as funny as poo-poo was two
years ago."
     The face she made convinced me that she HAD in fact raised Ricky
through that age, and hadn't for instance bought him at a bake sale from
one of those Catholic families.

***
13:39 15 Jul

     "Yeah, let's ALL go swimming," I agreed.
     Even Stella cheered.

***
17:26 15 Jul

     "Hey, did you just get done swimming?" Travis asked, and I smiled
at him.  Call it a good guess, but I thought that since he was a
lifeguard, he'd prefer someone who wasn't afraid of the water.  Which
was why I was still damp, from swimming all afternoon, like someone who
liked the water.
     It also gave me a dandy excuse for the boys as to why I was planted
in front of a mirror for the last fifteen minutes, which was all the
time I'd had, and a reason to change into something nice too.  Haha.

***
17:30 15 Jul

     I was glad to get out, with Travis, into the afternoon, away from
children, and especially away from Miz Parker and her knowing looks.
     "So what do you want to do?" I asked him.
     "I thought, maybe, we could see a movie?"
     "Which one?" I asked.
     When he told me, I almost laughed myself to death.

***
18:19 15 Jul

     It was very nice, having someone put their arm around you, before
the movie started, even if it wasn't your cousin.  Actually, I realized,
that made it better.

***
20:34 15 Jul

     Travis laughed, and then added, "And then, remember..."
     His words faded as something caught me and scared the crap out of
me even before I remembered what it was.
     "Um, Travis?"  He looked down at me.  "I, uh, I gotta go to the
bathroom for a bit, can you go out and wait by the truck?"
     "Well-"
     "Please?"  *Please, don't argue,* I wished as hard as I could.
     "Okay... I'll see you in a few minutes?"
     I nodded, and smiled for him, and then turned and ducked into the
crowd as quick as I could, checking the straps on my pack in case I had
to run for it, crouching down a little bit to reduce my height, and
starting to look around as fast as I could without looking conspicuous,
because I could smell it...
     Her.
     Debbie.
     "Valerie," came her voice from behind me.

***


Manic Depression is a frustrating mess! - Jimi Hendrix


Distribution:
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+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313  6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC
+ http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +


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