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Kelly's Diary: Excerpt #1  -  Copyright 1997 by Ellen Hayes.

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Furthermore,
This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
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Kelly's Diary: Excerpt #1

     I have no choice except to write all this down, because when I am
like really old and married and stuff, I will probably blank all this
stuff out from my head like my parents did if I don't have a reminder or
something, and I know I hate it when my parents lie and say things like,
"Well when we were young we never wore that much makeup or went out all
the time or stayed out past nine or anything else fun."  That's sort of
a distillation.  So I'm writing my life down so I can tell my kids that
I did that stuff too and that you'd better not do X Y or Z because like,
see how much trouble it got me into?  And not just because I'm being a
like completely repressive crypto-fascist.

     "Shhhhh," Amy warned me as we snuck through her yard.  I nodded,
which she couldn't see as she turned around almost immediately.  I
sighed.  This was usually how it worked.  She lead, me follow.
     It wasn't my idea, of course, to go spy on her sister instead of
watching a video at my house.  It usually wasn't.  Not that this made
any difference to my idiot parents if and or when we got caught.  "Well,
you didn't have to listen to her.  If she said to jump off a bridge,
would you?" they would say, in one of those totally meaningless Zen koan
parent questions that cause half of all teenage runaways.
     This of course ignored the real cause of the problem, which was
that they had decided to move from Cincinatti to this godforsaken
hellhole of heat and insects called Texas.  I screamed and screamed the
first time I saw a cockroach that was longer than my thumb, and so did
Mom.  But did they get smart and move back?  Guess.
     Anyway, the reason I listened maybe a little too much to Amy, was
that we'd moved here in like the middle of a quarter or whatever they
used here, and I had like no way to get into the cliques or really make
any friends.  She was the only one who would talk to me.  These people
were so stuck up it was sickening.  And they called it "The Friendship
State" too.  Surprise, not.  So when I had exactly one friend I could
talk to, was it any surprise that sometimes the idea of friendship got
in the way of abstract ethical reasoning?
     Apparently it was to my parents, but I think they'd spent too long
in college, and forgotten what it was like to be sentenced to prison
five days a week for twelve years for the crime of being born.  They
were like that.
     So here I was, sneaking around in Amy's back yard, hoping to God I
don't run into any of those mutant gasoline powered roaches, because if
I do I am going to start screaming and never stop.  They fly down here.
It is the grossest thing in the entire world, worse than all Friday the
13th movies put together.  Even worse than having your brother tongue
you.  Not that that ever happened to me, but the idea was gross.  But at
least he was mammalian.
     Amy had said, "Hey, my sister's got her boyfriend over," which is
what had started it.  This time.  Us being thirteen each, we knew what a
boyfriend was, technically, and had had some sort of relations with guys
that went under that name but wasn't really, and of course we'd seen
movies, and I had actually read books (one of the reasons, by the way,
why I had no friends here - I made the mistake of carrying a book in to
school that I was reading voluntarily) that dealt with the topic, both
from an abstract level like those books clueless parents give teenagers
so they don't have to answer embarrassing questions like "What was the
grossest thing you ever did on a date?", and on a more practical level
from romance novels read under the covers.  Mom didn't approve of things
like that, and she'd hassle me about how they perpetuated stereotypes et
cetera et cetera et regurgitata, which word I made up in Cincinatti back
when I had friends plural.
     So, we'd laughed and made up improbable stuff about what they were
doing, and laughed ourselves sick at the idea of them doing laundry
together or cleaning the gutters or something.  It was kind of that
sort of late, you know how it gets.  I hope.
     So as we were sitting there, not saying anything as we tried not to
laugh any more, Amy said, "No, I wonder what they are, like, really
doing there?"
     "Do they kiss?" I asked.
     Amy just snorted when I asked this.  Sometimes she could be really
snooty, when she felt like it.  I mean, okay, so I didn't have a big
sister, and my seven year old little brother was a little far away from
dating, so I just didn't have the opportunities to see this stuff go on
in real life, but that was no reason to act like she was special or
something.  So I said, "I bet you don't know, do you?" just trying to
irritate her.
     "Oh, God, they kiss all the time!" she said, but I was still mad.
     "You're making this up," I told her, and she said she wasn't, and
so maybe fifteen minutes later we were sneaking around through her yard
to go watch them kiss, and if I was wrong I was gonna have to buy her a
Drumstick at the 7-11.  She eats those things like they're gonna run out
someday so she'd better stock up on the taste experience while she has
the chance.
     And she makes me buy them every chance she gets, so this was like
not surprising, and I knew I was going to lose, but my Dad mumbled
something about the wages of friendship one time when he loaned his best
college friend Mom's new car and it got wrecked, so this was like the
same thing.  And a lot cheaper.  I didn't ever bother figuring out what
I would get if I won.  There wasn't a point.
     So we were sneaking through the bushes around Amy's house.  I had
enough clue that I wasn't making any noise almost.  So her going,
"Shhhh!" was kind of annoying.  I mean, it was really annoying, but if I
said anything then I would have been making noise so it would have liked
proved her point.  So I kept shut.
     Amy claimed they would be on the back porch, which I really had no
reason to argue with, but did anyway, so we were especially quiet as we
came around the side of her house.  This was the time to be absolutely
silent.  So we were, and really slow, but we finally made it up to the
window.  There was, thank God, enough room for both of us.
     I slowly moved up, and peeked in.  And it was dark.  Whee.  So I
stuck my hands around my eyes so it was like a periscope or something
and waited for my eyes to adapt.  When they finally did, sure enough,
they were face to face like it was going out of style.  I sighed,
quietly, and sure enough, Amy poked a finger in my ribs to make sure I
got the point.  Yes, Amy, I thought to myself as I poked her back.  I
don't even know why I bother betting with her any more.
     So we watched them go at it for a long time, and it was kind of
exciting, I mean, unlike at the movies these people weren't even getting
paid to do this to each other, and I kind of liked her boyfriend 'cause
he was nice to me when I met him a couple of times.  And Amy liked him
too, but said he was all wrong for his sister because of it, because she
was like the penultimate incarnation of evil, and one of the signs out
of Revelations, and it wasn't right for her to contaminate him like
that.  I thought it had more to do with the way Amy's sister had
probably had like thirteen years of taking the blame for Amy like I was
getting sort of and had just had enough, but I didn't say anything
because she was my friend and I liked her.
     I was just getting cramps in my legs and I was going to try to
suggest to Amy without talking that maybe it was time to sneak back to
the house, when they pulled loose and started talking to each other
about something.  I couldn't hear what they were saying, even with my
ear pressed up against the glass, but when I turned back I got a certain
idea about what they were going to do, because Amy's sister who I guess
I should start calling Sandy because this is going on a lot longer than
I thought it would, but there's like so much I have to write down.
     Um, what she was doing was unbuttoning her boyfriend's pants.  He's
Rob.  So she was like unbuttoning Rob's pants, and my legs suddenly
didn't hurt any more because I turned entirely into my eyeballs.  Amy
poked me again, which was entirely unnecessary, so I poked her back.
     We were like real close to them, and sort of in their line of
vision, but Amy had picked a good spot because we could see everything
that went on, which was pretty darn exciting, especially since neither
my mom nor Amy's mom would take us to movies where stuff like this went
on.  And as for sex ed class, forget it.  You'd think they would either
change the name to reproductive boring biology introduction and birth
control class, or like tell us the real stuff, but I'd come to the
conclusion last year that the whole purpose of school was to like make
sure we never learned the real truth about anything and we'd just accept
what we were told without remembering it so if they changed their minds
about what they wanted us to think later on, they'd just put it on TV
and we'd take it like we'd known it forever.
     So I don't know quite what Amy was doing, but I like pushed hard up
against the glass so I had a better view of what was going on.  And
Sandy pulled something I could barely see but I knew what it was out,
and then no lie, she slid off the old couch they had back there and got
on her knees in front of Rob.  And I thought, Oh my God, she's gonna DO
IT.  So of course Amy had the same thought, so of course she jammed a
finger so hard in my ribs I almost screamed, so I slapped her shoulder
to tell her to stop.  I mean, what was I gonna do, remember that I had
to get home and do the dishes or something?  Not hardly.
     Sandy was like licking at it, and I had this weird idea that it
tasted like a Slim Jim or something, which was ridiculous because what
was he going to do, pickle it before a hot date, and the idea of him
soaking it in like marinade or something was so funny I almost started
to laugh but I caught it all in my hands.  I was so quiet Amy didn't
even poke me, but maybe she wasn't listening anyway.
     Then Sandy got down to like serious sucking on this thing, or maybe
I should say something else but I don't know the word because what she
was doing was moving her head so it went in and out of her mouth.  Rob
must've liked it because he like tried to grab on to the cushions.
     I was like completely fascinated by all this.  So was Rob, although
his eyes were completely shut and I could almost hear him making noise.
But I guess he was sort of in the middle of the action so he didn't have
to look.
     Sandy was doing it, and I guess she'd done it before or something,
because she was really going at it, and she wasn't looking like she was
gonna get sick or anything like I'd heard about.  And Rob wasn't
complaining I don't think.
     I was a little startled by the feeling of wet that I got between my
legs, but like I said, this was really fascinating, and I kept thinking
like What if it was me doing that?  Because Rob really looked like he
was enjoying it and Sandy didn't look unhappy either though I couldn't
see her face.  It was really exciting and I wished sort of that Amy
wasn't there because I sort of knew what to do when I got that feeling,
and one of these days I was going to get it right and have one, except I
had this sort of worry that once I figured out how to do it I wouldn't
stop.  But I didn't think it was too serious a problem.
     So what I did instead, was sort of rub my legs together, which made
me feel all sort of better, even if it wasn't quite good enough.  I even
glanced at Amy to make sure she wasn't watching, then tried to open my
mouth like Sandy's had to be.  Sort of practice.
     Rob was starting to like thrash around a little on the couch, and I
forgot what I was doing again and watched really hard.  He was pulling
the cushions up, and it almost looked like he kicked Sandy once, but I
guess not or she didn't mind or something because she kept going.
Faster, even.  You could hear him by now, and he sounded really out of
breath, and something else which I guess was what a seriously on the
edge guy sounded like because I'd never heard anything like that before.
He was really into this.
     Finally, he had what we would call in English class a climax,
because he let go of the cushions and grabbed Sandy's head, and he made
a noise I could hear easily, and his back like arched completely off the
couch, almost pushing Sandy over, and he kind of just twitched there for
a while, and then he like collapsed back on the couch.
     You had to wonder what it tasted like, so I did, but I guess Sandy
was wondering too, because while I was rubbing my thighs together and
hoping Amy wasn't looking at me, Sandy got up off the floor and rolled
something which had to be a condom off his dick and then buried it in
the trash.  I guess she didn't want to leave it on the couch or
something.  I mean, it seemed like a good idea to me.
     Sandy put like a towel or something on Rob's lap, I guess to catch
the stragglers, and then just climbed on top and started kissing him
again.  She was moving back and forth too, and I wondered if she was
trying to get him up again for a second shot, when I wasn't busy trying
to pretend it was me up there on top of Rob's lap rubbing back and
forth.  I don't know what Sandy felt like but I felt darn good, and I
resolved to ditch Amy when we got back to my house and try some of this
out in the bathroom while I was faking a shower.  And it was my house,
so there wasn't gonna be any question of who got the bathroom first.
     Amy poked me in the shoulder, lightly, which is why I didn't slap
her harder than I did last time, and did it again when I didn't look at
her, so I did.  She was grinning like any lunatic you've ever seen, and
pointed at them with her hand about waist level so they couldn't see it.
When she held up two fingers, I nodded, and she turned back to the
window and we both started watching again.  I mean, I wasn't completely
clueless, I could tell when a party was over, and this one wasn't yet.
     They stopped kissing for a second, and Sandy got off Rob's lap.  I
was busy watching him stuff himself back in his underwear and zip up his
pants when another poke from Amy distracted me enough that I noticed
Sandy dropping her underwear on the couch.  Oh my, I thought, her turn.
How nice, they take turns.  I'd have to make sure that happened to me
when I got a real boyfriend I wanted to do things with.
     Rob got up, and Sandy sat down, and then they laughed at something,
and Sandy handed Rob a little pillow which he stuck under his knees.  I
guess he had more delicate bones than Sandy or he wasn't used to it or
something.  Mental note, have a pillow, I told myself.
     Sandy pulled her skirt up, and you could see everything, sort of,
but it wasn't that interesting because I saw it every time I could stand
to look at myself naked in the mirror.  Except she had more hair.  And
she had more curves, which meant more fat.  That made me feel a little
better, I mean, it was pretty obvious Rob didn't think she was too ugly
to talk to or anything else, and she had more curves ie fat than I did.
Even if her boobs were bigger.  I've got these little high bouncers of
pain on my chest, and Mom said that when they get bigger they'll stop
hurting which I am like counting the days for, or I would be if I knew
when it would happen.
     Rob started rubbing around on her thighs, right around her
sensitive spots, and she looked like that was the right thing to do,
because she grabbed onto the seat cushions just like Rob had.  It was
kind of funny.  He rubbed all around, almost like he was massaging it,
and then Sandy couldn't stand it any more.  I could almost hear her
whining for something which I could guess what it was, but when he
didn't do what she wanted, she grabbed his head, early I thought, and
stuck him right where she wanted him.
     I couldn't see what he was doing, of course, but I had a good
imagination, and it was sort of in overdrive at this point, and I was
going to have to change panties before I went to sleep.  Sandy was like
stroking his hair, and had almost the same look that he did earlier
except it was like she was more in touch with the world or something
because of the way she kept stroking his head.
     Amy made this little noise, and I looked over at her to see what
she wanted.  From the way her eyes were closed, though, I don't really
think she wanted anything from me, so I turned back to the window and
made sure that I didn't look at her any more.  I also made a little
resolution to not make noises like that because I was kind of
embarrassed for her even though, thinking about it later, I guess I
would have made a noise like that sooner or later myself.  I mean, I
knew we were both thinking about the same thing, and it was like
tremendously exciting, and so I guess what it all came down to was that
I was glad it was her that did it first.  I wasn't going to let her
forget it either.
     Rob's hands were still rubbing around on Sandy's legs, and then he
stuck them under her butt, which she sort of helped him with by lifting
up a little, and then he did something back there which I hoped wasn't
gross because she like shoved herself into his face and her hands
slipped off his head and almost ripped the cushions in half.  She made a
noise too, like Amy's except I hoped Sandy's was louder because I could
hear her pretty well, and I hoped they hadn't heard Amy the same way.
     This went on and on for what was like forever, and I was sort of
hoping that she would finish finally, because all I could think about
was getting back to my house and my bathroom with the locked door and
the nice sound-deadening shower and testing some of this out, but I
guess Sandy wasn't as bothered as I was or something because like I
said, it was taking like forever.  She almost started beating on Rob's
head at one point, which almost spoiled the mood for me and everything
else because I was going to laugh so hard, but then she started doing
the twist on the couch and grabbed Rob's head and liked shoved him even
harder into her crotch and let out something which sounded like an old
train whistle.  I had to stop and put my hands over my mouth when I
heard that one.
     But I don't think anyone was listening to me, because Sandy like
levitated off the couch, even more than Rob had, and like held him in
there and I swear to God, I saw this as clear as day, her legs were
stretched out on the floor and they were like, vibrating, I am not
making this up, it was the weirdest thing.  This was something I'd never
ever heard about, so I paid attention when I wasn't watching her face.
Her face was like, I dunno, but someday I want a boyfriend to make me
make that face.  It was like a complete epiphany sort of thing.  I guess
if you've ever seen it, you know what I'm talking about.  Like she was
plugged into God or something.
     She hung there for a really long time, longer than Rob had, her
legs just buzzing away like she was having epilepsy or something, and
then finally fell back on the couch.  Then she started to cry, which
really surprised me.  I mean, what, she didn't like it or something?
Want to trade? I wanted to ask but of course didn't.  Rob got up real
quick and like held her, which I thought was really sweet but then like
I said he was always nice to me.  She held on to him like she was
drowning, so I guess it wasn't him that made her cry, or something.  I
had no idea.
     Amy poked me one last time, and I was gonna slap her like
completely through the window or at least try, but when I looked so I
could aim, she was pointing back the way we came.  I guess she wanted to
tell me the show was over, which I could kind of guess when Sandy burst
into tears, but I kind of wanted to see what the end of that was going
to be, sort of waiting for the credits.  But I do that in movies too,
and Amy hates it, so like do you need two guesses to tell me what we did
next?
     When we got out to her front yard, she took off running, so I did
too even though I was looking around trying to figure out why she was
running.  No clue.  I swear, sometimes I wonder if it's like sunspots
that make her act like that, I mean, it's like she's not quite in the
same world the rest of us live in, and it's like she gets messages that
the rest of us just do not get.  That's nicer than saying she's a
lunatic, which I'm sure is not literally true because it has nothing to
do with anything as predictable as the phases of the moon.
     She ran all the way to my house, and so did I, about thirty feet
behind her all the way.  This was going to tire me out, and besides if I
wasn't careful she was going to beat me into the bathroom, though right
now I was beginning to think of a shower instead of you know.  This
place is so hot and wet that nothing evaporates, it just sort of drips
off you like mosquito gravy, which by the way there were plenty of this
time of year too.  This place was just completely gross to live in.
     I didn't manage to catch up to her before she climbed in through my
window we'd left unlocked, but at least she didn't shut it before I got
there.  She even helped me in, for which I thought about forgiving her
for the like improvised marathon we'd just been on.
     We both just kind of collapsed on the floor of my bedroom and tried
to breathe quietly.  I was just glad to get back in the air
conditioning, though I was sure I was going to leave like this Kelly
shaped spot of sweat on the carpet.
     Eventually we passed below like the hundred degree mark again,
because Amy said, sort of up at the ceiling, "Oh, man, that was SOOOO
COOOL!"  Then she turned to look at me and asked, "Don't you think?"
     "Yeah," I had to agree.  "Wow, did you see-" and so we talked it
over start to finish about five times, and made sure that neither of us
had missed anything, which sort of wasn't possible the way we were both
staring, but we wanted to make sure.  I didn't mention the noise Amy
made, though, because just as I was about to, I wondered all of a sudden
if she'd seen me rubbing my legs together and I thought if I brought her
thing up then she'd bring that up and then we'd both be like terminally
embarrassed.  So I didn't mention it.
     Eventually, though, we got the facts straight, and then there was
quiet for a long time, I guess as we thought about it.  I know I was
thinking about it, and taking a shower again, and of course I didn't
actually know what Amy was thinking about but I bet it was something
similar.
     So I was startled when she asked, "Have you ever kissed a guy?"
     "No," I said without thinking, which was a bad idea because then
she was going to tell me all about the time she kissed this one guy she
was dating before she broke up with him, I mean, it couldn't have been
that serious or they would have been together more than a couple of
weeks and like had more than two dates or something.  More wages of
friendship, I guess, is what I thought, so I asked, "Did you?"
     I was sort of getting ready to tell it at the same time as her
because I remembered it so well, when she said "No, not really."
     I was completely blown away.  I mean, she'd SAID she did, so like I
blew out before I could stop myself entirely, "But you said-"
     "He kissed me like on the cheek, and I didn't want you to think I
was like a prude or something," she sighed, and picked at the sole on
her sneakers.  "I mean, I'm like the only girl in seventh grade who
hasn't gotten kissed yet."
     This was so completely astonishing, that I couldn't even say
anything for a long time.  She kept picking at her shoe.
     "Well," I finally said lamely, so it wouldn't be so quiet any more,
"I mean, I haven't gotten kissed either yet..."  Amy looked up at me,
and it was like one of those moments where you really connect with
someone else.
     "I thought you had," she finally told me, and I was like sort of
insulted, in a way because it was like she wasn't listening to me again,
and I hated that, but in a way it was like a compliment or something
that she thought it was believable that I'd been kissed.
     So I shook my head, and she shook her head, and it was so sad that
it was sort of funny.  I mean, we certainly looked better than that
painted tart Laura who already had like this real boyfriend in high
school and made it a point to show up to a party or school or whenever
she got the chance with her makeup all smeared like it was evidence that
SHE had someone to kiss, thank you very much.  So I got a major case of
the suppressed giggles, which weren't suppressed any more when Amy asked
what was so funny, and I managed to tell her without I hoped making any
embarrassing noises while I was trying to talk and laugh at the same
time.  She thought it was sort of funny too, when I explained it, which
I guess is why I like her.
     So like girls do when they truly hate someone, we started making
fun of Laura and her sluttish ways, and imitating her, I mean, not only
was she like this total slut apparently, but she kissed so much teacher
butt at school it was sickening, and she had way too much money too,
and, well, she had so much going for her that she really deserved
nothing but contempt, which we heaped on in like shovelfuls.
     When we'd finally run that topic into the ground, or I guess buried
it, we kind of leaned back on the bed, which is where we'd moved at some
point, I dunno why Amy did but I was glad to get out of the wet spot I'd
left on the floor.  I guess it wasn't really a wet spot but the whole
idea of just laying there in my own sweat was like completely sickening.
     We sighed, taking a breather, and just looked at each other for a
while.  I mean, I couldn't see anything permanently wrong with Amy as
far as the kiss-me department, so I couldn't figure out why she hadn't
been.  I knew why I hadn't been - I was chicken.  Yes, you read it right
here, Kelly Ferguson is too much of a coward to let any guy actually
make lip lock with her.  Ha.  So much for my ego.
     "So why haven't you kissed?" she asked, like she was telepathic or
something.  This was one of her more irritating talents, because she
could always tell when I was thinking something that would embarrass me
if I said it out loud, and then she'd ask me about it.  I wished I knew
how she did it so I could practice it on other people, but she claims
she's not doing anything.  I think she lies a lot about things like
that.  It would be just my luck to make friends with the only alien
human crossbreed in Texas and when I figure it out for sure I'll be
abducted and they'll do all sorts of horrible things to me and then let
me go and then I'll be like this tabloid queen like Whip-Me Streiber and
I'll die of shame entirely.  And Amy will go to school the next day and
sucker someone else into doing things like this.
     "I dunno," I said, which was always a good answer, but it only
postponed the inevitable this time, because she got this look in her eye
which I already recognized as being like, I know you're hiding something
in there and I'm going to find out what it is.  It was depressing
sometimes, either it was her powers talking to her or I had this great
big sign on my forehead which spelled out anything I was thinking of.
Luckily Amy was the only one in town who could read it.  You would think
my parents could but I'd spent most of my life trying to make sure that
they never could except when I was hinting about presents, but it didn't
work then either.
     She finally got it out of me, that I was scared.  I stuck my face
in a pillow so I couldn't hear her laughing at me like I knew she was
going to.  She tapped me on the shoulder for a long time, and I ignored
her for a long time, but finally I lost patience and stuck my head out.
     She was looking at me like laughing was the absolute last thing on
her mind.  "Me too," she said in this little voice.
     "What?  YOU?  You can't be scared!  I mean, you talked me into
going up on the roof at SCHOOL, for God's sake, you can't be scared..."
     "It's different!" she said back, like I was totally stupid, which
sort of reassured me, I mean, Amy looking human and scared and
vulnerable and things was a little too scary a shift to deal with.  I
mean, this was the girl that got into a yelling match with an English
teacher about how spelling was so bogus on account of the way French and
English had interbred like hillbillies which was about the time the
assistant principal stepped in and gave her like a week of detention.
     So I asked, "How?"
     She sighed, and flopped back down on the bed.  "I dunno, it's just,
guys, you know, like they used to try to beat me up and take my lunch
and stuff, and now they want to go out with me or whatever except they
are still like completely totally children, you know?"  I did know.
Brats.  I wondered when they were going to grow up, although certain
leftist Commie feminists on the Comedy Channel insisted that they never
would, they'd just get jobs.  Some of them.  So I told her all this, and
she nodded for a second.
     Then she got sad, and sighed again, and told me, "But what am I
going to do if I never find one that grows up?"
     I shrugged.  "Be a corporate executive or something and fire them a
lot?"  That made her laugh.  She wanted to go into business, I think
because she could mess with more people's heads that way if she was like
a vice president or something, but I was sort of biased, having my head
messed with so much.  "No, really," I added, trying to be nice and
supportive and all that friend-in-need stuff, "you'll find somebody
someday, really.  What about Brian Gilcrest?"  Brian was her latest
boyfriend de nom, meaning in name, since at thirteen it was impossible
to do any real dating things like get away from relatives or friends or
stay out late or drive or anything.
     She made a face.  "He's just my boyfriend because he asked nice, I
don't like him."
     Now that was a lie, because I kept seeing her look at him in the
halls, so I called her a liar.
     "Oh, well, what about Mikey-Mike?" she pointed at me.  Argh.  I
hate it when she turns the tables on me.
     "Well," I said lamely, and she started to laugh.  So I started to
laugh too.  It was all so stupid anyway.  I told her that, and she
nodded.
     "I mean," she sat up again, "I mean, we're thirteen, right?  Right
at the beginning of the prime of life, except for being incarcerated
for being born," Amy had the same views on education I did.  I might
have given her a meme when we met, but it like wasn't my fault.  "So
what do we need guys for?  All they are is a hassle, right?  Like when
you let Mikey-Mike cheat off your homework," which was sort of a sore
spot with me because I was getting a little tired of letting him do it
when all I got out of it was a thanks and nothing else, I mean, he
wouldn't even stop in the halls to talk to me.  "Or when I got Ray that
stupid birthday present and I went to all the trouble to mail it to his
house and he didn't even say thanks or ANYTHING!"
     "Right, they're all completely stupid and forGET 'em!"  I raised my
fist at that like I was making a speech or something, and she giggled
and made a fist of her own and then we like slammed them together like
we were metalheads or something.
     Then everything got quiet, I guess because I'd said all that needed
to be said on that topic and we were both trying to think of something
else to talk about.
     "I wonder what it's like," she finally mused.  I say mused, because
it was like she was inspired.  At least, that's what it looked like when
I looked at her.
     "What's like?" I asked.
     "Kissing," she said in this tone of voice that was totally unlike
the usual boy-are-you-stupid one she used when I demonstrated that my
telepathy was way underdeveloped compared to hers.
     "I dunno, I guess...."  I thought about it.  "It's supposed to be a
lot of fun..." which was kind of lame but true as far as I knew.  Even
my parents had been observed doing it when they thought nobody was
watching.  I guess they didn't want me to get bad ideas like they were
normal or something.
     "I don't think I'll EVER know," Amy said sadly, and then like
turned over on the bed so she was looking off the edge and all I could
see was her back.  It's a Texas thing, I think they're embarrassed by
being The Friendly State so they try to disprove it every chance they
get, but it's like reflexive so I didn't blame her for it.
     After a couple of minutes, though, I realized that it wasn't just
Amy demonstrating she could be as rude as anyone else if she wanted to
be, and I knew she wasn't tired yet.  So I poked her in the arm.  "Hey
what?" I asked her.
     When she turned back over, I was like completely horrified to see
that she was like crying.  She sniffled and even before I could reach
for a kleenex or say anything she kind of wailed, you know how people
talk when they're crying, she said, "I'll never get kissed and nobody'll
ever want me and I'll die a virgin and I HATE IT!"  She smacked herself
in the head with her fist in time with the last clause, which worried me
because this was like most unusual behaviour for her.
     So I grabbed her fist because I couldn't stand watching her hit
herself, and then something happened that was kind of complicated, I
don't remember it too well, and then I was like holding her as she cried
really hard on me.  And I thought, as I was like patting her on the back
and stuff, I mean, we'd just seen Sandy do this and then here was Amy
doing the same thing maybe half an hour later, so I like wondered if it
ran in her family or something.  Of course the circumstances were like
completely different, but this was like the second time tonight I was
surprised by someone crying, and they WERE sisters, so you had to
wonder.
     I was saying stuff like, "Well, I dunno but I think you're pretty,
I mean, all the guys I talk to," which was not like a large number but
it was more than one, "think you're pretty and stuff, and I dunno, I
think we're just at one of those stages, you know?  So it's not a big
deal yet, I mean, it's not like we're in high school yet or anything,"
and so on and so on.  She finally stopped really crying, and settled
down to this sort of steady moan, that she could keep up for hours if
she was anything like me when I got seriously depressed.  I did that a
lot, but I mean, I WAS living in Texas, and that would depress anyone.
     She sniffed, and I got her something to blow her nose with instead
of my shirt which was my first fear.  We sort of ended up looking at
each other, and she looked embarrassed.  "Sorry," she finally said, and
started staring at her feet again, "I, I mean, it..."
     "I know," I told her, and unlike some times when I say that, I
really meant it because I really did know.  It could be like seriously
depressing some days, being thirteen.  I hugged her instead of like
trying to say anything, and she hugged me back really hard, like she was
trying to crush the tears except it was my body instead, but I didn't
say anything because she needed me right then and she was my friend.  I
could breathe in a minute.  The moaning sort of slowed down as she
squeezed.
     Finally, she let go, and I tried to make it not obvious that I was
trying to catch up on my breathing, but she didn't seem to notice.  She
was wiping her eyes and face instead.  "Thanks," she sniffed, and I
nodded, because, well, she'd done it for me and not made me feel bad
about it later, one of the many times I'd gotten depressed about moving.
     "I just wish I knew!" she said, really suddenly at me.
     "Knew what?"
     She kind of sat back and started to leak tears again.  "What it was
like.  Being kissed...."
     I wished I could tell her, but like I think I already mentioned, I
hadn't been burdened with that particular life experience yet, and on my
bad days I thought I might have to go into business like Amy just so I
could afford to pay someone who was like not completely grody to like
kiss me because that was the only way it was going to happen.
     "Well it can't be that hard," someone said, and I almost looked
around before I realized it was me saying it.  Amy and I both tried to
figure out what my mouth was saying.
     "You mean like, you kiss me?" Amy asked.  She'd gotten it about
half a note before I did, of course, like usual.
     "Um," I thought about it, and I finally sort of caught up with the
thought that was running my mouth.  "Oh, I mean, like, what I was
thinking was, like, um, maybe we could, um, you know, like try it on
each other, and then we'd um, like, have an idea or something about what
it would be like."  I was incredibly nervous about this.  Sometimes when
I find ideas like this one lying around in my head they are like the
worst things in the world, but sometimes they like work perfectly, and I
couldn't ever quite tell which it was going to be until they came out of
my mouth and I watched what people said after that.  So this was like a
really crucial few seconds, because I really didn't want to mess this up
and make Amy upset again.
     "What?" which wasn't a good sign, but it wasn't a bad one either.
So I tried explaining it again, and crossed my fingers where she
couldn't see it.  Maybe this was what Amy felt like when the aliens
talked to her or whatever it was.
     Her face was like kind of confused, where the tears hadn't
completely smeared her makeup all over them.  She looked a lot worse
than most people did in the movies when they cried.  She almost looked
as bad as I do.  Not quite, of course.  "You mean, like you and me?" she
asked.
     "Well, duh, I mean, do you see anyone else in here?" I asked her
back, because I was getting a little irritated, because it was like
hello, have a clue or two already, and she just wasn't getting it, and I
still couldn't tell if this was a good idea or a bad one and she wasn't
making the stress any easier.
     "Well, I mean, I mean," she repeated herself, and then gave up and
threw herself back down on the bed, but facing me this time.  "I dunno,
I mean..."
     I shrugged and flopped down next to her.  "it was just an idea," I
told her.
     "Well, I mean," she still looked confused, "but would you like tell
anyone?  I mean, like if I did?"
     "No!"  I was not, despite the opinions of every single person who
had ever tried to teach me math of any sort, stupid.  "God, no, don't be
dumb, Amy!"
     She went into her thinking pose except it was sort of sideways, so
I let her think because she could become truly unsociable when she was
disturbed when she was in this pose.  Maybe it improved her reception or
something.  Finally she came back to this planet and looked at me and
said in this kind of weird high voice, "I guess..."
     So I guess it was a good idea in the balance of things, at least in
her head, but then I realized I had like no idea how to like actually go
about it myself, so it was kind of dumb to be thinking about it, wasn't
it?  It made me laugh, which made her upset, which made her make me tell
her what I was laughing at, which made her laugh too.
     "Well, you read all those books," she pointed out to me, as if I
was unaware of what they were about.
     "Well, um, I think light is better..."  She was looking at me when
I looked up, and she was really close.  "Um.  Uh, I guess you wanna try
it now or something?"  She nodded.
     We sort of stared at each other for a while.  It wasn't at all like
those stares you read about or see in a movie, where it's like you know
what's going to happen and it's I dunno, like falling off a cliff or
something.  It was more like, You first No you first sort of thing.
Finally Amy sighed, because she had like almost no patience, and jabbed
forward and gave me a little tiny peck on the lips.
     "Oh, brilliant," I told her, which was sort of a non sequitur, I
guess, but it sort of captured my feelings of the moment.  She laughed,
which made me laugh, et cetera.
     When we got done, Amy said, "Okay, you try it."  Now I'm going to
admit something here which is like totally embarrassing, but then what
in my life isn't except my English classes.  I'd practiced on my hand, a
lot.  There.  I'm not so ashamed I won't write it down; I'm just ashamed
enough that I won't admit it out loud under torture.  So I thought maybe
I had an edge on her, and like she had gone first and it had been
completely lame, so I knew I could do better and maybe show her up for
once.  I hoped.
     So I leaned towards her, and just kind of brushed my lips really
slowly over hers.  I'd read about it once, and it was supposed to be
really cool.  It was, even if it was Amy.
     When I stopped and opened my eyes, the first thing Amy said was,
"Why did you have your eyes closed?"
     "Because you're supposed to, stupid!  Duh!"  Which of course also
meant that she had her eyes open, which felt kind of like she was
cheating somehow.
     "Well, but how can you aim if you don't look?"  See what I mean
about space alienhood?  Only someone from another planet would have said
aim.
     "Well," I said patiently, like I was explaining something to
someone from another planet, which like I mentioned was a distinct
possibility, "usually you're close enough you can find it by feel."
     "Like Rob and Sandy when they were holding each other?"  I was glad
for her sake that we'd gone to watch the two of them, so she had a clue
now.  I nodded, and then like completely unexpectedly she slid one arm
under my neck and her other one she sort of laid across my waist.  After
a little bit of time and a large amount of confusion, I determined that
I was supposed to do the same thing, so I stuck one of mine over her,
and then I sort of had no idea what to do with the other one.  "Stick it
under me," Amy told me, so I did as she explained that she'd seen Rob
and Sandy do this once.  Luckily Amy was a skinny underdeveloped girl
like myself and was therefore not heavy enough to hurt.
     Hugging her felt nice.  "What, my turn?" she asked, so I nodded, so
she did the same thing I had done, except a little harder.  Or firmer.
Or something.  She pushed more than I had, so it was like our lips
squished more, which sounds gross when I say it like that, but it wasn't
at the time.  I sneaked a peek, and she had her eyes closed this time.
"You peeked!" she accused me when she stopped.
     "How do you know unless you were peeking yourself!  Besides, I had
to make sure you're doing it right this time," I told her.
     She stuck out her tongue and made a rude noise, so I made one back
at her, so she made one back at me, and we buzzed at each other for a
while, until Amy stopped and said, "It's your turn anyway."
     So I gave her one last buzz, and then moved my head closer to her,
but I stopped when she like tried to pull us together.  When she
finished, I had actually moved several inches, and we were pretty jammed
together.  She felt pretty warm, which was nice because the evaporating
sweat was beginning to make me kind of cold, which reminded me for an
instant about taking a shower, but this was sort of more interesting.
     Anyway, it was like she had tried to outdo me or something, so I
decided I was going to like show her what I could do, because after all
I'd done all this research and practice and stuff and this was one time
I wasn't going to let her get the Drumstick on this one.  Metaphorically
speaking, I guess.
     So after I stopped moving, I wet my lips a little, because I read
that dry lips were like gross, and then I planted one on Amy that Rob
would have paid money to give to Sandy, I mean, I gave it the works with
regards to lip action.  I even opened my mouth which I had heard also
sort of added to enjoyment, though I didn't stick my tongue in because I
thought that was sort of gross, swapping spit, I mean, I'd heard for
years about not sharing silverware and plates and cups and cans and blah
blah blah and so it was like conditioning.  Though the idea was
inherently gross all by itself.
     I did it to her for like this amazingly long time, which sort of
showed me that yes you could breathe through your nose and if it was
reasonably clear then you wouldn't have any problems breathing, which I
had wondered about.  Amy was like getting into it too, and you could
sort of hear both of us breathing sort of noisily, or at least you could
if you were that close which I happened to be, and she was like learning
on the job or something, because if I did something then she'd try and
copy it a few seconds later.
     After a while, I ran out of variations, and also ended up like
really frustrated about Amy being there while realizing at the same time
that if she wasn't there I wouldn't have much to be frustrated about.  I
know it was a paradox but it was extremely irritating anyway.  Plus my
leg was going to be even stickier.  So when I ran out of stuff to do, I
pulled loose.
     We were both sort of breathing heavy, and she looked kind of
amazed, like Gosh gee whiz I didn't know Kelly was this cool at all.  Or
maybe I'm deluding myself, but that was what it looked like to me.  She
sort of whispered, "Wow," which sort of made me more confident of what
she was thinking, ie that I knew more than her about this one thing.  It
was sort of a vindicating experience.  Once was all I needed.
     We sort of caught our respective breath, and then Amy leaned close,
and I closed my eyes, thinking, Well, this ought to be interesting.  And
it was, really, because like I said she'd learned on the job so to
speak, and she was doing a lot of the same stuff I'd done to her like
moving her lips around sort of like she was chewing something with her
mouth open except she wasn't chewing, which sounds gross but like a lot
of this stuff isn't when you're actually doing it.  And she did other
things which I guess would make sense if you know what kissing is and
won't make any if you don't, so if you're reading this and have no idea,
go find somebody to experiment with and then you'll know.  I'll wait.
     What I was kind of startled to find out, though, was that what I
thought was Amy squirming around was sort of Amy squirming around but
was more like Amy rubbing her legs together, which I mentioned way back
I had also found to be an enjoyable pastime.  Except I'd never done it
where anyone could tell, I hoped.  When I figured out what she was
doing, I sort of stopped kissing back, which she could tell, which
information I also filed away for later use.  "What?" she asked.
     "Um, nothing," I lied, because I didn't want to embarrass her for
two reasons, one she was my friend, and two if I did and she stopped
then we would have stopped and I was having fun.  So to keep her from
asking questions, I kissed her back again.
     Or I would have, except she moved, so I ended up kissing her chin
instead, which was immensely surprising because the feel is completely
different.  But, like I said, I did not want to end up second best to
Amy this time, so I acted like that was the plan all along, and sort of
dragged my lips up to hers, which was sort of like her second kiss
except more.  Tilting my head to the side as I did this made it like
more enjoyable for me at least, and Amy wasn't complaining.  In fact,
Amy sort of said something like "Nnnnn," when I did this, which sort of
made me think for a second, which I also found it was possible to do
when kissing.  This whole thing was turning out to be this tremendous
learning experience.
     I mean, this was all very exciting and fun and all, but for that
reason I wanted to go do something else in the bathroom all by myself,
but at the same time I didn't want to stop either.  Amy however came up
with one of her solutions and just stuck a leg of hers in between mine,
which felt fairly comfortable and at the same time sort of added like a
whole new dimension to kissing, especially when it made me say, "Nnnnn,"
like she had.  I guess I didn't have to worry about embarrassing her,
except if she tried to embarrass me about funny noises, well, she'd done
it first.
     When she sort of moved her leg in and out, which was a blatant
imitation of something I don't think I have to name, do I, it was so
much of something that I just sort of jerked back in surprise and just
nervous tension.  Or maybe reflexes had something to do with it.
     "Oh God I'm-" she started to freak and like also started to pull
her leg out, but I was sort of wishing I'd stayed still, well, I was
cursing myself that I hadn't, and so I clamped my legs on hers so she
couldn't pull it out, and pushed up against her, which was not such a
good idea because it jammed several billion of my hormonally abused
nerve endings into several billion of hers, and furthermore my nipples
were standing out like I'd never seen them except the time the hot water
heater broke and I found out about it in the shower, in January in
Cincinatti.  Well, I mean, I couldn't see them now, but I knew what that
sort of about to pop feeling was, because I remembered it.  And they
really hurt when you jammed them into something when they were like
that and you jammed them into a shower door or your best friend's chest.
     But I managed to keep from screaming in horrid agony, and kissed
her some more, so she wouldn't be able to spazz out loud, at least.
And, the more I thought about it, or felt about it would be more
accurate, the more I liked feeling her up against me, though I wasn't
the least bit cold any more.  So I used my arm which was over her back
and sort of pulled her closer to me, sort of at the lower end, which
caused her leg which was in between mine to sort of slide which caused
me to feel extremely good for a few seconds.  I might even have said,
"Nnnnn," again but I wasn't sure if I really said it or if I was just
thinking it really hard.
     After that, we were like about as close as Siamese twins, and I
just was not at all sure what to do next.  This was going a little bit
weird, I thought, and although I was liking it I had like no idea what
was happening, well I mean sort of in a broader sense.
     Amy said, "My turn?" like she was seriously asking a question,
except she wasn't.  She leaned the couple of inches left between us, and
planted another one on my lips, then another, then another, kind of like
a three in one sort of deal.  Then instead of a similar number four, she
just sort of laid it on, which felt tremendously good, and would also
have been tremendously frustrating, except she was also just barely
moving her leg around which was not just barely feeling very nice.  I
mean I liked it a lot even though she wasn't doing much.
     When she stopped this time, and I opened my eyes, which for some
reason was getting harder and harder to do the more we practiced, I
guess so I wouldn't follow Amy's bad example or something, anyway she
had this sort of look on her face, like she'd just gotten up and run
around the block while I wasn't looking and seen something gross too.
Really exercised and freaked at the same time.
     She pulled her leg again, and this time I let it go since I thought
maybe she had something else in mind, but when we got untangled, she sat
up and made like she was going to leave.  "I gotta go," she said, kind
of out of breath.
     I guess maybe it was close contact with her, or maybe it's like
pixie dust that gives Amy her powers or something and I had some rub off
on me, but I knew that she was mostly lying, because using the
facilities was like the last thing on her to do list.  Don't ask me how
I knew, except perhaps I was having the same sorts of ideas but like had
different priorities or something.
     And it was like so unfair, I mean, here I was, like pouring my
heart out right on the covers there in front of her, which is kind of
gross if you think about it too literally, but I'd given it the old
football try or whatever the coach says to the jocks, and like now she
was going to take off and do something that I had never managed to
figure out because my stupid body was retarded, it wasn't even my mind
and there was nothing I could do because it was like my stupid tiny tits
and I couldn't fight it, and before I knew it I was trying to smother
myself in a pillow because one I was so depressed and two, I couldn't
stand to watch Amy walk out and know what she was going to do what I
couldn't.  Plus I didn't want Amy to see me cry.  Again.
     But no luck, she must have looked one last time or something,
because the next thing I knew, other than the facts that my life was
worse than hell and that there was no mercy in God or He would have
struck me dead right there or something equivalent, which facts were old
hat by this time in my life, Amy was hugging me sort of from behind and
I could dimly hear her begging me to tell her what was wrong, and she
was sorry and she didn't mean it and similar stuff.
     It took me a long time before I could drag my face out of the
pillow where I was buried except for a little crease I made so I could
breathe, although suffocation wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't so
nasty.  Amy was still there, and she let me go when I started to move.
When I could stand to look at her, she looked really upset too, which
made me feel worse, and I almost took another dive into polyester
oblivion except she grabbed me.  "What did I dooo?" she wanted to know.
     "It's nothing," I told her, trying to get her to go away, except I
ruined it by sniffling.  She got me a kleenex and made me blow my nose.
     "Something," she told me, then hugged me again.  "Please, Kelly,
we're best friends, I don't want you to hate me like everyone else
does," which was a complete laugh, she ought to try moving to Texas in
the middle of seventh grade and a delayed puberty to generate some
social problems, except she already lived in Texas.  "I'm sorry,
whatever I did-"
     "You didn't DO anything!" I almost yelled at her.  She was so
clueless tonight.  "It's just..."  And then I caught myself, for this
was something I really didn't want to explain.
     "Just what?" she asked, and I didn't tell her, but to save some
really useless conversation, I told her eventually.  No surprise.  I had
no secrets from her except the ones she hadn't gotten around to yet.
But so nobody will think I am like totally spineless, let me tell you
that it took well over twenty minutes, which is about three times more
than the usual.  I think.
     "You what?" she asked when I got done telling her.
     "I don't know how!"  I sighed, and told her, "I never got the trick
or something."
     She had this look of utter and complete shock on her face, like the
one I had on when I was told we were moving to Hell I mean Texas in
March.  "You don't know how?"
     "My God, are you even listening to me?" I asked rhetorically,
because right then I was going to have a go at smothering to death in
this sort of horrible culmination of my entire life, but she nodded
frantically.  I'd heard that you could see something in the eyes of
crazy people and maybe I looked crazy then or something, but she seemed
to catch on that things were not going very well in my psyche right
then.
     "Of course I am, I mean, I thought, I thought," she was talking
really fast for some reason, "I thought it was just something you knew!"
     "Well, I don't," I confessed, and made another move to drown my
sorrows in my pillow but she grabbed me again.
     "Wait, I can show you!" she told me, shaking my arm.  "It's okay, I
can show you how."
     So I said the first thing that came to my mouth, which was, "What?"
     "I'll show you!" she told me, then sort of looked at me in this
weird sort of way, like Did I just say what I think I just said?  Which
was nice to see because I'd had a look like that a while ago.  Then she
sort of firmed up, and said like she was agreeing with herself, "I can
show you, if you want."
     "Um."  God, this was one of those hard questions, like Do you have
a driver's license miss?  I wanted to know how, really bad, but like I
didn't think it was something that should be like taught.  But all this
was Amy's fault anyway, I mean I would have been perfectly happy
watching Fantasia on video but no we had to go prove something we both
knew perfectly well was true, I was just bugging her.  So it was sort of
like Right capitalized that she should be the one to fix it.  So like
before I had anything like my parents would have wanted me to have in
the way of thoughts, like This might be fun so I'd better not do it, I
said okay.  Well, I sort of had them, but I forced them down.  They
would have been sort of proud that I had them at all.
     Amy said that she had to take off her clothes to show me, because
she could do it without taking them off but then I couldn't see
anything.  This was a really disturbing concept, her being naked, but I
couldn't figure out anything else, I mean, she was so right this time my
parents couldn't have figured out an objection except changing the
subject like "Did you do the dishes yet?"  So I said okay, and she took
All Her Clothes Off.
     It wasn't the first time, she had a swimming pool and it was just
easier to change in her room together, and then there was gym of course,
but this was majorly different.  For one thing, she got on the bed and
told me to come closer so I could watch.  I did, and it was kind of
weird, looking at her from like up close, I mean I was more than a foot
away but before I'd tried not to look too hard when she was naked or I
was or what ever.  It was a lot like looking at myself in the mirror
except it was a better angle and I could see stuff that I couldn't
normally.  And she wasn't so sickeningly ugly.
     She laid on her back and propped her head up, and then started
playing with her nipples a little bit, which just watching made mine
hurt, so I asked, "Do I have to do that?"
     "It makes it more fun," she said.
     "But mine hurt so bad when I touch them..."
     "Just be really REALLY light with them, that's what I used to do,"
she told me.  Now, don't get the idea that she had like monster boobs
like Laura, they were about as tall as mine but sort of more spread
around or filled out or something.
     She closed her eyes and started stroking them, pretty lightly, and
when i was sure she wasn't watching, I started to do the same thing.
She was right, again.  If I went really light it felt okay.  Except
after a little while it felt more than okay.
     "You watching?" Amy asked, and I opened my eyes, and she was
smiling at me but not like she was going to laugh at me, more like she
was happy for me, which kind of agreed with what she said because she
said, "Yeah, like that.  Gently."
     She kept one hand playing with her nipple, but the other one she
sort of slid down her stomach, dragging her nails along like she was
scratching herself lightly.  When she got into her pubic hair, she sort
of stopped and started rubbing the whole thing, which I already knew
didn't do it.  "Try that," she told me without looking.
     I was like really embarrassed by the idea, but I mean she was doing
it first AND she was completely nude, so I pulled off my shirt and did
what she had done.  My fingernails even though they were all crappy,
kind of left like tingles which floated loose and around my body for a
while when I did it.  When I got to my pubic hair and started to rub,
gently, like she said, it was nice, but not quite nice enough.  I was
going to complain but I figured she knew what she was doing.
     She rubbed for a while, and so did I, and then she put a couple of
fingers in between her legs and rubbed them around the loose skin which
I vaguely recall was the labia or something like that.  So I did the
same thing, on me not her of course, and it was nice, too.  Almost
nicer.  Amy just kept rubbing back and forth, and so I did too, and it
got nicer the longer I did it.  Eventually it got so nice that I had to
lie down myself, so I grabbed a pillow so I could watch what was going
on, and laid down like so my head was near her feet and vice versa.  She
kind of smiled at me as I did all this, but she didn't stop rubbing,
though I had to.  She waited for me, though, and I got sort of back to
where I was before.
     Amy was starting to smell a little, and when I looked I knew why,
because there was a little clear stuff leaking out, and I knew what that
was, but she did something that I never would have in like twenty
lifetimes, she stuck her finger in it and then like licked her finger.
When she did that, she sort of groaned, and then looked at me I guess to
make sure I was doing it too, which I wasn't.  "Come on," she told me,
"it's not that bad.  Ask Rob," she giggled, and then stuck her hand back
where it was and started to rub again.
     I guess she was right in a way, I mean, it wasn't poisonous or
anything, but I still hesitated, but then I figured, well this wasn't
the first time I heard about this, and maybe it was part of what I was
missing, so I rubbed my finger in it and then brought it up to my face.
It smelled like it always did when I cleaned myself off.  It tasted...
weird.  And not like fish, like the guys always said it did.  Of course,
it didn't smell like that either.  Just the idea was gross, but when I
stuck my tongue out and licked my finger, it was like I'd been shocked.
It was a certain kind of shock, and it sort of centered between my legs,
so I put my hand back there and rubbed some more.  It felt better than
it had before.
     Amy was getting cramps or something from laying there that long,
because she was like moving around, but not much, and she kept her hand
going like a trooper, as they say.  So I did too.
     But I kept watching, so when she stuck her finger inside, I saw
that.  She was sort of moving it around, but I couldn't see what exactly
she was doing, so I tried to imitate it the best I could.  I guess I
was, because I slowly figured out that Amy wasn't having cramps, it was
sort of like music, you just sort of had to move to it.  I tried really
hard to not kick her in the head.
     We sort of went on for a while, and I started to think of Rob,
Sandy's boyfriend, because he was a lot better to think about than any
of the guys at school, and that sort of kept me busy for a long time.  I
got distracted when Amy started to moan, and then I gave up completely
when she said something which would get me grounded if I repeated it and
yanked off the bed, a lot like Sandy had, and then thrashed around a
while like Sandy had, and I hoped she wasn't going to cry like Sandy had
because I was going to.  Because once again, I missed the boat.
     "Kelly!  Kellykellykelly, wait!" she said as she jumped off the bed
and chased me down before I could make it out my bedroom door.  I was
having vague ideas about throwing myself under a truck or something.
"Wait, I'll help, I promise!  Wait, come here," and she led me back to
the bed, and handed me a kleenex because I was crying again, and then
she pulled the covers up and wrapped them around me like a little kid in
a blanket and I was so upset I didn't even care that I was going to get
everything slimy.
     When I finally couldn't cry any more, she put her face right in
front of mine, and told me, "I said I'd teach you how, it's okay, just
lie backwards, okay?"  She pushed me as she was talking, so it wasn't
like I had a choice so I laid down.
     When she put her hand in MY crotch, though, I sat right back up.
"What-!" I started to scream at her as I yanked her hand out.
     "Look, it's like the Yellow Pages, right, my fingers know how to do
the walking, so just lie down and I'll show you what to do."
     "But-" and she stuck her hand down there again and I yanked myself
about a foot up the bed.  "Stop!"
     "Kellyyyyy," she said, like she was sad.  "It's okay, I promise."
     "But, but, I mean, I, but can't you just show me or something?"
     She sighed.  "It'd be easier if I just showed you.  Come on."
     She talked me into it, sort of, but I couldn't keep from trying to
pull her hands out, it was like she was tickling me at the same time.
Finally she sat back, and gave me this really dirty look followed by
this look that if you knew Amy you would run away when you saw it, but
she just told me to lay on my stomach and we'd try it that way.
     So I rolled over, and then she put her hand between my legs and
started to stroke things, and before I knew it I was trying to make her
stop again because it TICKLED, but then she put her hand back and a few
seconds later I tried to pull her hand out except this time her other
hand was holding one of her socks and she grabbed one wrist and the
other and then my hands were tied.
     I said, "What the-" and I was going to say a lot of other things I
learned back in Cincinatti from a friend of mine who had this really
amazing vocabulary but she interrupted.
     "Wait, roll back over, this'll keep your hands out of the way."  I
looked at her sort of behind my shoulder, and she had this It's Not What
It Looks Like Really expression on her face.  "Really, it's okay, I'm
not gonna leave you or anything, it's just so you won't keep stopping
me."
     I thought about it so hard I'm surprised my hair didn't cook, but
there wasn't like a whole lot I could do about it except maybe start
screaming that I was about to be kidnapped by space aliens and wake my
parents up, and they'd ask so many stupid questions that I'd rather be
taken to Arcturus or wherever.  So I rolled over.
     Instead of laughing at me or doing something evil like spraying
shaving cream in my face which was what had happened the last time I got
tied up, she made me roll BACK over so she could put some pillows down
for me and then made me roll back over AGAIN on the pillows.  I was a
little confused myself by then, but I was on my back and Amy was sitting
next to me and smiling as I waited for everything to stop spinning.
     She stroked my front, like around my stomach, and it felt almost
like being tickled, except there was something else there which kept me
from trying to kick her in the face.  Sort of like she was drawing lines
in my nervous system or something.  She did that for a few strokes, then
put her whole hand on me, and just let it sit there for a little while
and be warm.  Then she started rubbing me lightly, using both hands.
     It felt really nice, like a good back rub from a friend, except of
course it wasn't my back, but it felt really nice and warm and relaxing.
She did that for a while, moving all around, and then sort of moved up
my body to the pain zone on my chest.  I got all tense again, because I
swear all someone has to do is think at my chest and my hibouncers start
to hurt, but she put a finger on each nipple so light I could barely
tell they were there.  When she started to rub, I jerked, but it wasn't
because it felt ticklish or because it hurt.  It sent some kind of
signal downstairs saying, Hey this is major good stuff!
     "See?" she said.  "I told you this would work."  I put aside Amy
being right yet again, because I had done better in the kissing thing,
which thought must have triggered Amy's telepathy because she stopped
rubbing and leaned close and kissed me on the lips.  It was kind of
light, but that was good right then.
     Then she moved down and kissed each of my nipples, which felt
really nice, and then she licked at one, which hurt like hell so I told
her not to do that any more in one nasty word.  She didn't, she put her
fingers back up there and they were like feathers except not ticklish at
all, just very very light and nice.
     When I guess she figured I was ready, she moved off my breasts and
down my sides, which was extremely stimulating but since it was both
sides at once I had no idea which way to jump so I just sat there and
tried to breathe again.
     Amy gave me this grin, like See? and rubbed my thighs really firmly
like I was having cramps except I never got cramps on the outsides of my
hips.  She was moving her hands in circles, and the circles started
moving towards each other, which felt better and better the more she did
it.
     I realized about then that I wasn't going to catch my breath for a
long time, so I gave up trying to be nice and quiet and just sat back
and tried to get enough.  I also tried to move some way or another, but
like with everything else with this, I didn't know which way to go so
after a few seconds I stopped because I didn't have any idea and Amy
did.
     After what seemed like a long time, she touched my pubic hair with
both hands at the same time, then she put her hands in between my legs
and sort of pulled them apart so I was sort of spread out in this really
revealing position which I figured I was going to be embarrassed about
some time in the future.  But not now, it felt too good.
     Amy moved so she was sitting in between my legs, so I couldn't
close them I guess, and she started rubbing my thighs again, which felt
as good as it had before.  Like last time, she started circles that
moved closer and closer, and before I really knew it I caught myself
making a really embarrassing but heartfelt noise that I don't really
know how to spell.
     Instead of making fun of me or giggling, Amy just said, "See?
Isn't that nice?" and I would have told her yes except she didn't stop
so instead of saying Uh-huh I said something like Yuh-nuh-uh-mmmm.  She
snorted then, but I guess it was funny if you weren't having it done to
you, and she didn't stop or anything either.
     Finally, instead of making circles, what she did was put her palms
on either side and put her thumbs out, and started rubbing me directly.
THAT felt so good right then that I think I tried to slam her hands as
hard against me as I could.  She pulled with me, though, and kept
rubbing with her thumbs.
     This all felt so good I could barely stand it, and I hoped Amy
wasn't upset because just like earlier I sort of had to dance to my body
music except now instead of like a waltz it was like thrash metal and I
couldn't stop moving.  I guess that was why she moved and then like
pinned my legs down with her arms.  It felt better, sort of like giving
me something to push against, so I did.
     She moved all around, and it didn't hurt like it usually did, and I
sort of dimly wondered why in what was left of my brain until I figured
it out, and I would have smacked myself a lot if my hands weren't at the
moment under my back and tied together.  All that clear stuff!  It was
really slick, and she'd probably put it all over her thumbs or fingers
or whatever she was using and that's why it didn't hurt like it did when
I did it because, well, that was something I'd never thought of doing.
I thought it was gross but at this point gross was pretty darn exciting
and when I thought of her fingers and me all over them I said a few
other things I didn't even know what they were at the time and pushed
even harder against her.
     She pushed back, and it was a good thing because I was really
starting to thrash around, except she was holding me down, or I might
have fallen off the bed.  I could feel SOMEthing building up, and I kind
of had a good idea what it was, but it was all new to me anyway, and Amy
just would not stop...
     Then it was like where Bugs Bunny lights a fuse on a stick of
dynamite, and you know it's going to explode, just not when, but you
know it's coming; that's how I felt, except it was like Amy had lit ME
and I was gonna blow up in some short I hoped amount of time, because it
was like the most intense thing in the world, and I only managed to keep
from screaming by biting myself in the lip, and even that felt good...
     I guess it was a little after that that It Happened, because
everything went really hazy bright like a flashlight in the eyes, and I
went off, I guess.  I sort of recall I lifted myself off the bed
entirely, and I don't think I screamed because I was biting my lip so
hard but I was probably moaning a lot, and it went on and on like waves
at the beach just over and over...
     Now I Got It, and I could understand what all the fuss was about.
     When it ended, I was kind of sore, and then I hurt a lot in like
several different places.  "See?" Amy said, and I would have said
something back except my lip was bleeding, so I just nodded.  Then she
saw something like blood on my lip or something because she helped me
sit up, which I didn't think I could do because I didn't think I had
bones any more, and then she got me a kleenex and stuck it on my lip
where I could mouth it in place, like a horse or something, while she
untied my hands, which hurt too.  I think she tied the sock too tight.
Or maybe I was pulling on it too hard.  Anyway, when I got free, I
grabbed the kleenex with one hand and Amy with the other, and I just
hugged her as hard as I could, because I knew how hard it was for her,
and it had felt so good, and it was like my first time and she was the
one that showed me and all sorts of other stuff which is why I hugged
her so long.  She hugged me back until we stopped, and then she gave me
a little kiss on the cheek, like she does sometimes.
     Right then, I didn't want anything but sleep, but Amy reminded me
that sleeping with makeup on is like a really bad idea, so we went to go
wash it off in the bathroom.  I was almost scared to find out how late
it was - almost half past one - because I hadn't realized how long it
took or something.
     One weird thing was, we like held hands going to the bathroom to
clean up, and it felt like really good and right, even though this was
more like boyfriend sort of privileges.  But I guess it was okay, like
when you were little and held the teacher's hand, and Amy had taught me
a whole lot tonight, and besides, she grabbed my hand not the other way
around.  And I felt so nice to her right then that she could have done
almost anything and I would have said Okay.
     We were all sweaty and stuff, so when Amy suggested a shower, I
said okay, and like I mentioned I was even going to let her go first,
but then she said no, that it was more fun with two.
     I thought that maybe she would show me something else, but I guess
all she wanted to do was shower, because she got soap and washcloths and
stuff and when we got under the water I felt like really clean for the
first time in at least a year or so, I mean the stuff in the bedroom was
fun but I never did like being sticky, and with Amy there she could
really scrub my back, which I thought might help cut down on the back
zit problem.  But I scrubbed hers first, because like I said I kind of
owed her.
     I almost fell getting out of the shower because I was like so
exhausted, and I think my legs were beginning to twitch like the time I
tried to run a mini marathon or like Sandy's were, and I thought that
that was why until I remembered she'd been epilepsing first and this was
after, for me.  Amy helped me into a towel and back to the room and into
the bed which wasn't grossed out like I was scared it would be, and she
got me dressed like a little kid and then she climbed in next to me and
that was the last thing I remember except she kissed me on the lips like
Mom used to do sometimes when I was little and she was nice, a long time
ago.

     I have to put down what happened the next day when we woke up,
except it's really late now and I have to get up tomorrow to go to
church.  I don't know how they could find a church right in the middle
of Hell I mean Texas, it seems like it has to be a trick somehow, and
you'd think that my parents would listen to something like me saying
It's a trap of the Devil and we shouldn't go.  That's an important
statement that one shouldn't ignore offhandedly.  But listening to me is
like the last thing on their to do list, right behind leaving here and
going to someplace decent, and way under things like building a ladder
to the moon so they can get fresh cheese.  And I am like completely
exhausted, again, by now, so I guess I'll finish the story later.

- -30-

"They always said, 'Write about what you know.'  Well, I've got enough
teenage angst experiences to write volumes..."  - ehayes


"Tallyho!"      \   /     @>--,--'--  ehayes@nym.alias.net  + vicki .sig
Ellen Hayes --=(*)=(*)=-- Renaissance Woman    ==[--------  + virus 9.1a
          http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/5734/


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