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An E-Tucker Ride -*- Copyright 2001 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


An E-Tucker Ride


***
09:58 28 Jul

     Since I hadn't taken any pictures since Amy blew an entire roll on
me and us in hiking gear, I'd had an entire unexposed roll in the
camera, and it took me a few seconds to figure out the best way to
extract the precious picture without 'wasting' more than a few blank
frames at most.  Even though I was using twelve-shot rolls, to enable me
to get photos developed faster, that was still a lot of film to waste.
     And the best way not to waste it was to get one or more of
everybody else too.
     "Valerie!  I'm a mess!" Miz Parker half-complained as she laughed
in excitement and danced around with a happy screaming Stella.
     "Great!" I said back and took a shot.  "Then you'll remember what
you looked like back when you're all dingy and old and stuff."
     "What?" she asked, her face going quizzical, and I shot that too.

***
10:05 28 Jul

     "Come on, Valerie, we need one of you too!" Miz Parker lied.
     "But, but-"

***
10:07 28 Jul

     The kids got up, or it sounded like they got up.  I held on to
Stella and wished that I could have gotten something like an image-
intensifier lens on a point-n-shoot, because camera flashes still made
me blind.

***
10:18 28 Jul

     "Double prints, I promise," Miz Parker grinned at me.
     "Just make sure you go to a camera shop or a dedicated photo lab or
something, okay?  Don't go to the supermarket."
     "Why not?
     "Because I don't want to lose this shot or any of the others, and
we need a pro to develop 'em," I explained.
     "Okay," she nodded, before smiling again.  "Back in a jiffy!"

***
10:22 28 Jul

     "So when can we do some more self-defense stuff?" Gary asked.
     "Uh, what?"

***
10:31 28 Jul

     We were just getting started when Stella started to cry, meaning 'I
am very hungry.'
     "Awww, man!" Gary complained, while Ricky commented, "That stupid
baby!"
     "Ricky," I warned, "don't let your mom hear that; I think she's,
uh, sensitive on that topic."
     "What?"
     As I picked Stella up, I simplified, "It bugs her and she'll make
you regret saying it if she hears it."
     "I KNOW that!" Ricky protested.
     "Well, then-"
     "Is Mom here?" he challenged.
     "Rrrrrr...  Ricky, I sort of agree with you, Stella seems to pick
bad times, but don't SAY it like that, like you did.  Say 'She always
picks the worst times' or something."
     He gave me this 'you are SO stupid look' which I ignored, because I
did have to go feed Stella.

***
10:44 28 Jul

     "Stella, would you EAT the d- cereal?" I edited myself.  Stella was
supposed to be having brunch, but apparently she thought she was having
Drooling Lab.  Miz Parker had had a point about getting tired of babies;
at least the boys could feed themselves if you put food in front of
them.  Not to mention the diapers.
     On the other hand, how many parents have an actual picture of their
baby's second step?  My parents didn't have a photo like that for any of
us.  And if I hadn't been here, I wouldn't have taken the picture.  Or
had the money for the camera, probably.

***
11:08 28 Jul

     "See?" Miz Parker showed the boys as I held Stella's hands.  "There
it is, right as she's taking the second step!"
     "It looks blurred," Gary said.
     "Yeah, but it looks cool like that, like racing lines," Ricky
argued.  And it wasn't that blurred anyway.
     Gary looked like he wanted to say something back, but looked up at
the rest of us and decided against it.  "Yeah, I guess."
     "That's SO cool," David chimed in.

***
11:14 28 Jul

     And the pictures Amy had taken of me in my gear were also back from
the photo place and... they looked strange.
     Not like the photo place had done wrong or anything like that; I
just was not used to seeing myself be-titted and made up at the same
time as loaded down with the Andean Base Camp unit.
     I looked, in fact, a lot like my Mom or Susan, I realized
disgustedly.  But the beret added a certain...  I wasn't quite sure
what, but I looked just a little more serious about it than Susan ever
had.
     Pictures were strange that way sometimes; they could show you
things that your eyes would miss.
     "Are you gonna fix lunch?" Ricky asked.
     I thought about saying something about him picking the worst times,
but I decided not to.  I just smirked silently instead.

***
12:02 28 Jul

     "What IS that?" Ricky asked as I set a bowl down on the table.
     "Rat pieces, hemlock, snakes, worms, cactuses, and grue stew."
That was actually a lie.
     Miz Parker's mouth was opening, and whatever came out was going to
be unpleasant judging by her facial expression, but Ricky went, "COOL!"
and he and Gary grabbed for the serving spoon at the same time.

***
12:05 28 Jul

     Miz Parker was giving me looks as we all ate, me and Miz Parker not
as fast as the boys, and finally I leaned towards her and grinned,
"Child psychology."
     She chuckled.

***
12:54 28 Jul

     I was washing dishes after a successful demonstration of proper
application of Psychology (Boys) skill, when Miz Parker tapped me on the
shoulder.  "Valerie, I got you some stuff for tomorrow..." she said
nearly into my ear, and I looked and she was holding an envelope.
     I dried my hands off and took the envelope and checked inside, and
found five-
     "Uh, Miz Parker, there's five-"
     "Yes," she agreed, like she'd planned it that way.  "Remember-"
     "Yeah, but-" I interrupted her, then I interrupted myself as I
realized something.  "Um, let Travis pay you back for two?"
     "Why?" she asked, confused.
     "Trust me, he'll want to.  And if you don't let him, he'll feel all
bad about it."  I emphasized, "Miserable.  It's a guy thing," I lied.
It was actually a power thing, which people my age wanted to have
ourselves instead of being subject to the constant whims of others.  Or
at least we wanted to get paid for it, sometimes.

***
13:59 28 Jul

     "It's been an hour, canwecanwecanwe?" Gary spazzed out.
     I checked my watch, and it was close enough.  "Okay-"
     I didn't bother finishing, because they couldn't have heard me over
the yelling, and then a second later they weren't there to hear me
anyway.
     "I think they like this stuff," I said to Miz Parker, who chuckled.
     "Do you want me to take Stella for you?" she asked.
     "Up to you," I said back.  "If not, I can put some sunscreen on her
and put her in the playpen outside.  Maybe in the shade or something,
but sunlight is good for babies in moderate quantities," I announced.

***
14:07 28 Jul

     Apparently sunlight was also good for mommies in moderate
quantities, because Miz Parker had changed into a smaller bathing suit
than the one I'd seen previously, and she was hanging out in the water
playing with Stella, while I got beat up on the grassy side of the
backyard.

***
16:14 28 Jul

     David grabbed Ricky by the waistband and shoulder and just flung
him up and over in a three-quarters loop several feet away.
     Pause, as Ricky tumbled properly to a stop.
     "OH MAN DIDYOUSEETHAT!" David screeched as his brother ran up to
him and wildly congratulated him.  Ricky was slower in getting up and
getting enthusiastic, but even he had to admit that it was pretty
awesome, when asked.  And of course David did ask.  Several times.

***
16:18 28 Jul

     It wasn't going to be as cool as it was if I'd had a cyberoptic eye
with a recorder attached, but it should be cool anyway.  Even if the
rehearsals had left Ricky looking a little weathered.
     "Okay!" I announced, "Ready!"
     Ricky ran at David, David grabbed him and flung him and I took the
shot just as Ricky was leaving David's hands.

***
17:03 28 Jul

     Miz Parker got back with another roll of developed film, which
could be entitled 'Unarmed Combat 101 Demo Pix' if they were digital
images and I was filing them for later, and naturally the boys broke and
ran to see them.  "Got 'em!" she called as she came out the back door.
     I took the opportunity to grab Gary and dump him on the ground as I
shrieked, which had the hoped-for effect of re-gathering their attention
on me.
     "Guys, DON'T leave an opponent behind you, and DON'T forget a
fight's going on until it's OVER," I restated.
     "Oh, right," Gary said from underneath me.

***
17:08 28 Jul

     Miz Parker was trying an experiment on me; namely seeing if I could
feed Stella now, instead of her trying to feed Stella and cook at the
same time, later in the evening.  It seemed to be working as well as it
always did, which wasn't too well when you considered amounts swallowed,
but babies absorbed food through their skin anyway.  *Like Hudlars,* I
remembered-
     "It's just strange," Miz Parker mentioned.
     "What is?  Stella?"
     "No, you," she said thoughtfully.
     "Huh?  How?"  I knew I was; I just didn't know which strangeness
she was referring to.
     "How you can be so gentle and patient with Stella, and then be
teaching the boys how to fight like that."
     I shrugged.  "I'm not teaching them to be violent, I'm teaching
them to resist violence.  Soft 'n curvy, not hard and straight."
     "What?"
     I moved a bit so I could look at her better while continuing to
attempt inserting food into Stella.  The boys were watching a taped
show, so we could do this outside, which simplified cleanup so much I
had to wonder why anyone bothered bringing babies in the house until
they were two or three.
     "Um," I started, "there's two philosophies behind martial arts
styles.  Of course, good ones use both, but there's two opposites.  Hard
is linear, like boxing.  You hit someone hard enough and they fall down.
The soft styles, or moves, you don't hit, you wait for your opponent to
try to hit you and then you use their energy against 'em."
     "Huh?  How does that work?"
     I sighed.  This was easier to demonstrate than explain.  "Can it
wait until I finish and then I'll show you?"

***
17:37 28 Jul

     "So, see, if we just start hitting each other, then it depends on
how strong we are versus how much damage we can take," I continued.
     "Okay- just like boxing," she nodded as she got a small clue.
     "Right.  So... try hitting me again."
     She threw a slow awful punch at me, but it was good enough because
I moved a bit, grabbed her arm, and pulled and pushed until she was
about to run into a wall.  I pulled her back then, rebalancing her.
"This is soft.  The harder you try to hit me, the faster YOU move, and
the harder you're going to hit the wall, or the ground.  It's about
directing your opponent's force into directions that benefit you and
cause him problems."
     "Ohhhh!"  she said as she Got It.  "So, like, all that kung fu
stuff-"
     "Yeah, you can get into the philosophy and stuff," I agreed, "but
that's the essence, hard and soft and combinations of the two.  So to
practice with each other, the boys have to kind of know the typical hard
moves, but what I'm really teaching them is the soft.  And since I'm
teaching the soft, they're also learning that most of the hard stuff
doesn't work too well.  See?"
     She smiled at me as she nodded some more.
     That was only half of it, but the hard was going to wait until I
thought the kids had enough judgement and control not to use it
unwisely. 

***
17:40 28 Jul

     "So-"
     "Tonight I have Mike's birthday party to go to, and..."  I checked
in my purse to make sure his birthday present was still there, and it
was.  Good.  "Uh, and then tomorrow we go.  You didn't tell them, did
you?"  Miz Parker shook her head.  "Great!"
     Boy, would they be surprised.

***
18:09 28 Jul

     "You ready?" Rachel asked as I whirled into her bedroom.
     "You're going?" I asked back stupidly.
     "Well, I mean, if it's okay?  I got him a little something."
     I thought about it for maybe half a second.  "If you want to come,
sure!"

***
18:37 28 Jul

     Traffic always being heaviest when you needed to get somewhere,
we'd driven and driven and driven until we finally got out of the
traffic jam and then we were about at Mike's house.
     We had, in the past, done the surprise birthday party thing for
Mike, but that had sort of come to a stop when Mike started beating us
with a shinai when we surprised him.  Especially me.  So now it was just
sort of 'conventional' except we didn't talk about it, so it would be
sort of a surprise.
     Which made me think of other surprises, specifically Travis tomor-
     "Rachel?" I started.  "Don't mention Travis or tomorrow to anyone,
okay?"
     "Why not?" she asked curiously.
     "Uh... long story."  That wasn't going to work, I realized.  "I
haven't told them about Travis, and Mike's birthday party would be a bad
time to talk about it."
     "Oh, okay," she nodded.
     Then I dug in my pack to make sure I still had his gift.  I did.
     Life was going unexpectedly well.

***
18:39 28 Jul

     "Tuck's here!" someone called as Rachel and I came in, and a
general hooting and hollering started as we made our way into the living
room and-
     Mike was wearing war paint and a grass hula skirt, and some kind of
Mayan-looking paper headdress, and nothing else.
     And Amy had a HUGE grin on her face.
     "Mmmm," Mike said sternly as he folded his arms over his chest,
"Big Kahuna say, Tuck here, party start!"
     "HAAAAPPPPY-" Amy started, and then we were all singing, as I
realized I'd have to get an explanation later.

***
18:41 28 Jul

     "Mmm, Big Kahuna say," Mike intoned, "time for loot!"
     "Time for spanking!" Kim laughed.
     "No spank Big Kahuna!" Mike insisted.  I looked around for Kathy,
but she apparently wasn't here, so he'd probably escape this year.
Especially since it took most of us to catch him and hold him down.
"Bring tribute to Big Kahuna!"

***
18:51 28 Jul

     Mike had gotten a lot, but he kept eyeing me.  I smiled at him a
lot.  I'd also circulated a bit and collected a few more signatures on
the card, surreptitiously.  Usually when one of the Pack was kissing
him on the cheek as they gave him some loot.
     Finally, though, everyone else had given their 'tribute', and it
was my turn, so I nudged Brian.
     "ROOM!" Brian yelled as loud and as deep as he could.  "ATTTTTEN-
HUH!"  Mike and I and Dan and Brian snapped upright; everyone else got
quiet and paid attention.
     I marched over to Mike and snap-turned to face him.  "In
recognition," I started, and Mike's face got very very puzzled.  I had
to fight not to laugh.  "...of exemplary service to the community, and
for your dedication, devotion, and imagination..."  Mike looked like he
was about to grab me and shake it out of me, so I continued, "we, the
undersigned, present to you, this medal in recognition of all your
efforts."  And I pulled out the large jeweler's box and opened it.
     Inside was the medal I'd had custom made at the jeweler's.  Kim
took the box and held it for me, and I pulled the medal out by the
ribbon while concealing it in my hands.
     "Michael Johansson," I said as loud as I could, "we present to you
this badge of merit, ranking you as Master Storyteller."  And I slipped
the ribbon over his head as Brian took a picture with my camera.
     Mike was still completely stunned, but he reached down and lifted
the medal up where he could look at it.
     It was an enameled-metal design, like a large coat-of-arms shield a
couple of inches across, and it had a pair of six-sided dice on top of a
book as the image, and 'Storyteller' at the bottom, and a little hanging
bit below that, like a marksman's badge, that said 'Master', and at the
top it had scrollwork that read 'Once upon a time'.
     I thought it was pretty neat, but I wasn't expecting Mike to tear
up a bit as he looked up at me silently.
     We locked hands, though, and everything was all right.
     Then everyone pushed me out of the way so they could see it.  And
started to babble and cheer.
     Mike cleared his throat and instructed, "Big Kahuna happy!  Guests
have cake now!" 

***
19:20 28 Jul

     "That was pretty awesome," Brian agreed.  "Who'd you buy the idea
from, Tuck?"
     "Ahhh, cork it, ya fathead," I tried to imitate Moe and did not do
well.
     "That sucked," Brian appraised, and I would have cuffed him if he'd
been wrong.  "But still, I mean, that was a pretty cool gift."  Brian
had also been pulled into some of Mike's games, when he was younger and
it was still cool to do what his older brother (me) was doing, so I
guess he did sort of know what he was talking about.
     It would have felt weird for him to be there if he hadn't been
coming to Mike's birthday parties for years, for reasons which I really
didn't remember any more since they were about ten years old.
     "It was awesome," Jill agreed.
     "You really thought of that yourself?" Brian asked, and I nodded,
and he slapped my shoulder in some kind of Brian-specific gesture of
approval.

***
19:32 28 Jul

     I was standing around talking to Book when Kim got in front of me
and pressed an envelope into my hand.
     "Wh-"
     She grabbed my ear and pulled it to her mouth.  "Week's pay, you
threw it at Jill, remember?  She wouldn't take any of it, but I thought
you might like to have it back anyway."  Kim let go of my ear at that
point.
     "Oh, uh, thanks..."  I'd have to scam it, then.  I did sort of owe
her a day's pay, even if she was too proud to take it.

***
19:48 28 Jul

     It had turned into a teenagers-under-observation version of a
cocktail party under the eyes of Mike's parents, with a CD Mike had
gotten playing relatively softly through his boombox speakers, and Amy's
appetizers and cake and completely non-alcoholic drinks fueling
conversation, although Kim had apparently 'fueled up' before she got
here; she was a bit loose.
     "Man," Mike commented as he looked at his medal again.  "This is
really cool."
     "Isn't it?" Kim agreed, and kissed his shoulder, leaving a slight
smear of frosting across his skin, and rustling the grass skirt Mike was
still wearing.
     "You know, I had this idea for a new game next year," Mike said.
     "Dude, what?" Jill asked, and shifted to get her soda, so I took my
arm off her shoulder so she could lean forward.  "And does this mean we
don't get to play any more in the old one?"
     Mike sighed and nodded.  "The problem, is time."
     "Time travel?" I asked, getting pleased.
     "Cork it, Tuck," Mike said offhandedly.  "No, the problem is, we
can only play so much at one time, and the amount of time we can spend
on it decreases every year, with new chores, more homework, jobs..."
     Jill and I both sighed at the same time, and Mike was going to
continue his explanation when Sabrina wandered through.  "Hey, Mike,
lemme see that medal," she asked, and when he nodded, she bent down and
picked it up off his bare chest and peered at it.
     "Tuck," she said, shaking her head and half smiling as she stood up
again and looked at me, "you are SUCH a geek."
     "But we love him for it," Jill smirked, and then kissed me on the
cheek.
     "Yah!" Kim sneered, and kissed the other one.
     "Hey!" Mike complained.  "It BIG KAHUNA birthyday, not Lil' Tuck!"
     Kim turned back around and effectively silenced him for a while.
     "It is kind of cool, though," Sabrina admitted as we all ignored
Mike and Kim.  "If you're into that sort of thing."
     "Come on, Sabrina," Jill taunted, "you know it's cool."
     "All your friends are doing it," I added.
     Kim continued kissing Mike; Mike waved his hands helplessly,
showing he wanted to add something but couldn't, or wouldn't, get his
mouth free.
     "Don't'cha wanna be cool?" Jill smiled.
     "First one's free," I said next.
     "Just say no," Sabrina quoted, and laughed before wandering off.
     "She's weird," Jill commented as she looked at me.
     "SHE'S weird?"

***
21:47 28 Jul

     "Hey, mano, I mean, thanks," Mike said as Amy and Rachel and I were
leavetaking.
     "Hey... you're the best GM I know," I said honestly.  It was a lame
thing to say, but it was honest.
     "It's still... I mean..."
     I locked hands with him, which was better than talking.

***
21:52 28 Jul

     "Hey Amy?" I remembered, finally, and turned around in the front
seat to look at her.  "What was the deal with the Kahuna thing tonight,
and the grass skirt?"
     She shrugged and grinned.  "Just thought it would be weird, which
is Mike.  And he should be the Big Kahuna on his birthyday, right?"
     I had to nod agreement, but I wondered where she'd picked up the
'birthyday' thing.
     "Didja like the headdress thing I made?" she asked.  "I got some
pix of a real Hawaiian ceremonial headdress off the Web, so it was about
as authentic as I could get it with construction paper..."
     "That was really cool," Rachel agreed.

***
22:39 28 Jul

     I snuggled against Amy as we wriggled into comfortable sleeping
positions.
     "Thanks for everything," I told her.  "I think Mike really liked
the party you set up."
     "I think he did too," she said sleepily.  "S'okay."

***
05:58 29 Jul

     I was staring dazedly at my clock, wondering if I should get up
early today, or if it was Saturday, or what, when I remembered that
today was Tuesday, and Travis and I were-
     I popped out of bed and was in the bathroom almost before I
realized it.

***
06:20 29 Jul

     "Amy, no!"  *Why TODAY?*
     "Why not?"
     "Because!"  I took a chance, and added a little truth.  "Miz Parker
wants me to take the kids to King's Island today, and-"
     "COOL!"
     "-AND," I repeated, "she only bought tickets for four.  Besides, we
can't fit you and me and three kids and one baby seat into my car."
     Her mouth worked a couple of times, then she gave me this
completely nasty face and stomped to my room and opened the door and
SLAMMED it.
     Which, since it was a steel-core door and a steel frame, shook the
entire house.
     "That was Amy not me!" I called as a precaution, and a wise one it
was too, since Susan's head popped out of her room before I finished.

***
07:04 29 Jul

     Despite how quiet I was, Rachel woke up as I was doing my makeup in
her mirror, and she waved at me.  "H'v gooh' ti'," she mumbled.
     "Thanks," I smiled as I turned around and waved at her.
     At that point, she collapsed again.
     I was a little surprised; it wasn't THAT much of a party last
night.

***
07:47 29 Jul

     "He wants to see the kids' reaction too," Miz Parker said quietly
as Mister Parker sipped at hot coffee and stared blindly at something
not here.
     "Should I fix breakfast first?" I asked.
     She thought about it, then shook her head.  "He needs to get to
work on time, so how about you tell them before breakfast?"
     I sighed.  They weren't going to be able to sit still after I told
them, which meant it was likely that I'd have to buy something fast-food
on the way, which was expensive... and I needed some film, and some more
sunscreen, and I thought, *Man, I should go to the store or someth-*
     Then I realized, I could pick up some junk food at the store, maybe
even con them into something healthy if my karma was unusually good, and
get everything a lot cheaper than a convenience store.

***
07:52 29 Jul

     "What's for breakfast?" Gary wanted to know.
     "Well," I sighed, "I dunno... I'm getting kind of tired of just
cooking and stuff for you kids, and swimming and stuff..."  They did not
look pleased.  "Something really needs to change."
     The kids looked at each other and at the older Parkers, who luckily
managed to keep straight faces.  The kids did not look happy.
     "Gee, Valerie, that's too bad you feel that way," Miz Parker said
in a steady voice.  "Were you going to do something about it?"
     "Yeah, I was going to... take you guys to King's Island today."
     Pause.
     "WHAT?!" screamed David the younger, and then they were all
bouncing up and down and running around and desperately trying to
confirm this with the adults, but we were all laughing like loons.

***
08:02 29 Jul

     Mister Parker had left, and so it was only Miz Parker and Stella
who got to watch three boys try and throw themselves screaming under
Travis' wheels and me try to stop them.

***
08:03 29 Jul

     The boys were pummeling amongst each other to decide who had to
ride next to the baby as I showed Travis the pre-bought tickets.
     He said, sounding disappointed, "But I was going-"
     "Talk to Miz Parker about it," I told him.

***
08:13 29 Jul

     I'd thought the kids might pity themselves to death when I
announced I had to go to the store before we actually got on the road,
but Travis had said he'd stay with all the kids for a short time - he
emphasized short - and so I could get it done without them underfoot.
     Which was good, because I had a half-dozen things to get and they
were basically as far apart as geometrically possible.

***
08:22 29 Jul

     Four grocery bags, ten gallons of water, and far too much cash
later, I was wheeling my way back out to Travis' vehicle.

***
08:23 29 Jul

     "Why so much water?" Travis asked.
     "Just in case."  You never knew when you might have to give a kid
an emergency bath, for instance.  Or fill a radiator.  I was frankly
surprised that he didn't seem to be carrying ANY spare water, or at
least not that I'd ever seen.  And the five-gallon 'bricks' were awfully
convenient, at least until you had to open one.
     "Did you get anything to eat?" asked one of the kids, so I just
handed them the two goody bags.

***
08:28 29 Jul

     I'd thought the brats were busy stuffing their ever-so-deprived
faces with stuff, which is why I thought it was safe to get a kiss or
fifteen from Travis before we left.
     Maybe fifteen had been a bit much.
     Whatever the reason, I was quite enjoying the trip so far when Gary
screamed, "YOU ARE DATING HIM!"  Which blew us both apart and scared the
hell out of me, at least.
     I ignored the accusations until my heart slowed down enough that I
was confident it was going to stay in my chest when I opened my mouth.
"Yes, but the last time you asked we weren't, so SHUT UP ABOUT IT!" I
yelled.
     They stopped.
     "Travis is kind of shy about it," I lied.
     "I would be too if I was kissing a GIRL," Gary smarted off.
     That made Travis laugh, which eventually made me laugh.
Eventually.

***
08:40 29 Jul

     The long cotton skirt I was wearing was not going to be a suitable
cutting board for the fruit I had to slice up so Travis could have some
while driving, so I pulled out the magazine I'd gotten for this and put
it on my leg before I started.
     "What is that?"
     "Guns and Ammo," I answered as I pulled my Swiss Army knife out of
my purse.  I guessed the lurid ad on the back cover had attracted his
attention.  It sure didn't look like Cosmopolitan.
     "Guns and Ammo?" Travis asked incredulously.
     "Watch the road," I insisted.  Traffic was starting to slow down
for some reason, and I didn't like it.

***
09:45 29 Jul

     "HOW much for parking?!" I gasped in shock.

***
09:50 29 Jul

     Amazingly, the parking lot was not jammed full.  Maybe that had
something to do with the gray skies, but I had an umbrella so I didn't
care.  The kids weren't water soluble anyway, despite what they'd tried
to tell me about acid rain.
     Maybe it had had something to do with the traffic jam we'd run
into, but we'd gotten through THAT, and my cleverness in buying rather a
lot of stuff for us and the kids had kept them from having a series of
whiny fits which would have ended in a death or three.  I'd even managed
to nip out and run around to the back and change Stella during one
particular clogged period.
     Or maybe it had something to do with the parking fee robbery.
     But, at last, we were Here.
     "Guys," I said as I turned around to glare at them one last time
before Travis stopped driving, "if you lose us, either find an employee
of the park, or go to the main gate and find one there.  If you're not
with us when we're ready to leave, and we don't find you at the main
gate in..."  *Oh, what's a good amount of time...*  "...Twenty minutes,"
I continued, "then we're leaving you here, without money to get back in
the park and a lot of nasty-tempered security people running around who
will throw you out and not let you back in."  They were worse than
nasty, especially a few hours after the park closed, but I didn't feel
like mentioning this part.

***
09:52 29 Jul

     The lines were already pretty long, but not too bad.  I was glad
I'd brought a magazine.  I was also glad in a way that I had Stella,
because I could load up the stroller, which was big enough to hold the
small cooler-bag with a half-dozen tiny jars of baby food and some
one-shot formula, AND the diaper bag.  I didn't mind displacing Stella
into the baby sling, and neither did she.  She was even enthusiastic
about it, if you translated drool into applause.
     I looked at Travis when I heard him chuckling.  "What?"
     "You just look..."  He shook his head, smiling.
     "What?"
     "So cute like that," he said.
     "Oh please," I complained, but I couldn't keep the smile off my
face.  It probably did look pretty disgusting; man, woman, baby, three
boys- no, two-
     "GARY!" I screamed.  "GET BACK HERE!  NOW!"  He reappeared from
around a car, many feet closer to the entrance than the rest of us.
"Think you can get in without tickets?" I asked rhetorically, holding up
the envelope.  "Shut up, Travis," I added quieter, because I didn't
really need him laughing and undermining my authority.  Or making me
chuckle too.

***
10:08 29 Jul

     I'd wondered how I was going to get the stroller inside the
turnstiles, but they had a gate they pointed me to, and there was
someone there to let me and Stella through, and to rummage through all
my stuff to make sure I wasn't carrying anything horrible like guns,
bombs, or sodas to avoid paying the concession stand prices inside.  But
I was clean, and he let the baby supplies go.  Thank goodness.
     I quickly caught up to all the guys, partially driven by an
instinct that if I didn't watch all four of them, they'd run off and be
drinking beer while I was left with a baby to care for and a contrasting
need to hunt them down and kill them.  Which was pretty much the
definition of stress.
     "Where do we go first?" Travis made the mistake of asking, and so I
just smirked at him as three boys started screaming at him and then at
him and each other.
     When I got tired of watching this amusing spectacle, I ordered, "We
look at the map, and I change Stella someplace," and started walking
towards a clear spot, which not by coincidence was a store right at the
entrance.

***
10:10 29 Jul

     Ah, a map.  I unfolded it as the boys screamed uselessly for stuff
they weren't going to get.  "Guys, ask Travis," I said loudly, "I need
to change Stella's diaper."
     As I expected, Travis wilted under the pleas and begging, and I
chuckled my way around in circles until I got oriented.

***
10:11 29 Jul

     "Travis, if you leave easy sight radius of this shop before I get
back, I'm going to have to set fire to your truck," I mentioned.
     "Have fun changing diapers," he said back, and waved.
     I think that point went to him.

***
10:16 29 Jul

     Stella gleefully screamed and I recognized the look of diaper
filling, right as I was starting to pack up the bag.  "Oh, Stella!" I
complained.  "For shame!"
     Shrieking laughter was all I got back.

***
10:20 29 Jul

     "You wanna what?"
     "Coasters and rides first," Travis said as he folded up his map,
"before the crowds get any worse, then munch, then the waterpark stuff
in the afternoon."
     "Oh boy," I commented, as the boys started screaming and tugging us
in at least three different directions.

***
10:21 29 Jul

     "Beastie first," I insisted.  I wanted to check their tolerance for
coasters before I let them on any bigger ones, and they'd lie about it
if I bothered asking, which I wouldn't.  "It's been a long time and I
want to ease into it slowly."
     "You are such a baby," Gary said.
     I grabbed him by the waistband of his shorts and hauled him up.
"I'm what?"
     "Uh-" Gary said as I looked him in the eye from way higher than he
was used to, or happy with.  Stella looked up at him from the sling and
laughed and pointed.
     "He said that's such a nice baby!" David blurted, pointing at
Stella.
     That was an excellent lie on David's part, especially for his age,
and furthermore instilling the idea of teamwork in kids was educational,
which is why I smiled and put Gary back down on his feet.  "Is that what
he said?" I asked as I kept smiling.
     All three of them nodded earnestly.
     "I must've misheard, then.  Silly me.  Anyway, Beastie first so I
can get used to coasters again, and then we'll look for another one."

***
10:23 29 Jul

     There was hardly any line at all.  That was very cool indeed.
     "Valerie," Travis said as we moved towards the front, "we can't
take Stella on the ride, but I saw a couple with a baby split up, and
she went the first time and he waited there with the baby, and then he
went the next time."
     "So I get to go first and you watch the baby?"
     "We trade off," he insisted.
     "But then I can't stiff you with not riding," I grinned.  He sighed
and ruffled my hair.  "Hey!" I protested.

***
10:28 29 Jul

     It was really annoying having to stand around and wait for them to
get back.  Intensely.
     Stella drooled on, oblivious.

***
10:30 29 Jul

     "Travis, just leave her slung around your neck, don't leave the
area, and you'll do fine," I assured him, trying not to sound as
irritated as I felt.  It was only one baby.  "Just think of her as a
really little Boy Scout; you do good handling Boy Scouts, right?"
     He chuckled.  "Stella's a girl," he reminded me.
     "Oh pickypickypicky.  Don't drop her.  And take my pack, too."

***
10:32 29 Jul

     It was not a bad little coaster at all, considering.  I sort of
wished that I'd thought to stick plugs in my ears before I got on,
because the shrill screaming from everyone around me was scarier than
the coaster itself, but it wasn't that bad.

***
10:35 29 Jul

     "You were screaming like a girl!" David accused Travis as we went
hunting for the next ride.
     "Screaming makes it more fun," Travis said loftily.
     "Remote control cars!" Ricky insisted, jumping up and down and
pointing.
     "Oh God," I sighed.  They cost extra.

***
11:14 29 Jul

     It had started raining, but without lightning, and the kids wanted
nothing to do with the Racer anymore, not in the rain, so that let me-
     "You want to ride on a coaster in the RAIN?" Travis asked me like I
was crazy.
     I was, but not because I wanted to ride a coaster in the rain.  As
I grabbed one of Stella's water bottles and took a swig before sticking
it in my pocket, I said, "Jeez, Travis, it's just water, it's not like
it's acid or something-"
     "Acid rain!" Gary mentioned.
     "I think I'll skip this one," Travis decided.
     I suggested, "And you can discuss the environment with Gary; he's
turning into quite the activist lately."
     "I'm turning into a what?" Gary asked suspiciously.
     "You're turning into an aki-blist!" David mangled, as he pointed
with a finger and looked shocked.  "Oh no!  He needs ice cream right
away!"
     *You WORM!* I snarled mentally as they instantly all decided they
needed an immediate dose of anti-akiblist ice cream.
     "Um, I can take them," Travis rumbled as he tried not to laugh, "if
you still want to go."
     I supposed that if I wanted to ride on the coaster now, I'd have to
take the risk of turning into an akiblist.  I wondered if akiblists ate
children.

***
11:19 29 Jul

     I'd had a feeling I was going to get a bug in the eye, not having
remembered to grab my sunglasses out of my pack, but I wasn't expecting
to get one in my mouth.  *Tastes like cricket,* I thought as I spat
frantically and people screamed.  I don't think they were screaming at
how gross I was being, though, which was a good thing.

***
11:31 29 Jul

     "Do I look like a happy biker?" I asked Travis, because it still
felt like-
     "A what?"
     "Happy biker," I repeated.
     "What does a happy biker look like?" he asked me pseudo-patiently.
     I sighed.  "You can always tell a happy biker because he's got bugs
in his teeth."  I bared my teeth for him to check.  "Do I still have bug
parts in my mouth?" I mumbled.
     "Uhhh," he sort of grumbled as he looked.  "No."
     "Great," I smiled.
     "How did you-"
     "Catching raindrops."
     Pause.
     "You never did that?" I asked.

***
11:40 29 Jul

     There was always laser tag.  Thank goodness.  I wasn't ready to eat
yet, neither were the kids - not after their prophylactic dose of ice
cream - and if I had to listen to them whine about the rain too much
more I was going to have to stake them out in it and see if they really
would dissolve.
     Besides, shooting them even vicariously would have to make me feel
better.
     "How about laser tag?" I asked, and got some cheers.  Silly kids.

***
11:45 29 Jul

     "I hate that one," David said.  I looked around, and he was staring
at the Vortex as we walked past it.
     "Why?" I asked before I could stop myself.
     "Because they said I had to be four feet tall and I'm just two
inches short and they wouldn't let me on it.  THEY got to go," he said
disgustedly.
     "It wasn't our fault," Gary said back.  "I even told you to stand
up on your toes a little bit-"
     "I DID!  I couldn't do it enough to get on anyway!" David
complained.
     "You'll grow, though," Travis said, "and then you can ride it."
     "Do you think I grew enough since the Fourth?" David asked
hopefully.
     "Ah..."  Travis looked at me, the rat.  _I_ wasn't the one who'd
said it.
     "Probably not," I sighed.  "But, you know, maybe you guys can
convince your folks to, like, maybe do this again next summer?"
     "That's NEXT summer," David reminded me, as if I'd forgotten.

***
12:07 29 Jul

     The problem with laser tag was that The Rules allowed none of the
really effective things in close-quarters technique, so I was torn
between my Mike- and Susan-honed reflexes and a desire not to get thrown
out, long enough and enough times, that I wasn't doing well.  Like when
Ricky turned around a corner right in front of me, I wanted to kick him
sideways and then shoot him, but I couldn't kick him, and while I was
locked up he shot me instead and ran off laughing.

***
12:16 29 Jul

     "Your turn," I snarled at Travis.  I really had to come back here
some day under a false identity, or when I didn't mind getting thrown
out, and really show these kids what it was all about.

***
12:47 29 Jul

     "The rain stopped!" one of the boys shrieked after their third game
and they all tried to flee.
     "FREEZE!  You monsters, get back here."  They monstered their way
back to us, lurching and growling.  "Where next?" I asked as I pulled
out my map.

***
12:58 29 Jul

     "You guys go," Ricky said, "and we'll stay right here and watch
Stella and the stuff."
     I stared at him, wondering how the aliens had managed to abduct him
while in the park.  While we were watching him.
     "That's fair, once," he added as he looked at the other boys, who
were looking at him like I was.  Travis, meanwhile, was looking at ME
like I was the one the aliens had gotten.
     "Once?" I asked, trying not to sound desperate.
     "MAYBE twice," he allowed.  "But ONLY twice."
     I was greatly relieved; I'd hate to have to explain to his mother
what had happened to the son she loved and why he'd turned nice all of a
sudden.  She'd never believe it was aliens; she'd think I lobotomized
him with a coat hanger or something.
     "Okay," I agreed, "but you guys have to stay right here, watch the
baby, all that stuff.  And don't listen to strangers."  They looked at
me like I was immensely stupid.  "Just a reminder," I sighed.
     "Next year I'm gonna ride it," David sighed, staring at the sign.

***
12:24 29 Jul

     We were making our way to the top - clunkclunkclunkclunkclunk - and
I was looking around, enjoying the view from up high, when I caught
sight of Travis' knuckles, which were rather white and bulgy, like he
was straining.  As he gripped the restraints.
     "Scared?" I asked, not quite sure.  Clunkclunk-
     "No," he lied.  I could tell he was lying because of the
exceptionally grim expression he had and the completely serious tone in
his voice.  Clunkclunkclunkclunkclunkclunk-
     "Oh, Travis, it's okay, it's barely a hundred and forty feet up," I
said.  That didn't make him happier.  Clunkclunkclunkclunkclunkclunk-
"And wooden coasters always feel a bit looser than the steel ones,
that's part of the charm."  He was not apparently convinced.  "Hardly
anyone gets killed on roller coasters," I said brightly, and he turned
his head and glared at me.  Clunkclunkclunkclunkclunkclunk- *Just a bit
more-*  "Anyway," I said slowly, stretching it out, "it's perfectly safe
unless something breaks, and they hardly ever do."
     Clunkclunkclunk-pause-kaCHUNK...
     *Perfect!*  I even got a little squeak out of Travis, which was
equivalent to Ricky pissing himself.
     I looked ahead of us suddenly, pointed and screamed, "Oh my God
where's the TRAAAAAACK!" as we went over the top.  Travis just screamed.

***
12:29 29 Jul

     "Don't you EVER do that again," Travis threatened.
     "Travis?"  He glared at me.  "Courage is facing your fears, and
kicking them in the nuts."
     He blinked a few times.  "What?"
     "Kiss me, I said," I said hopefully.
     "That's not what you said," he said, but he was looking a lot less
dark as he said it.
     "Besides, you survived, and now you can tell everyone you survived
The Beast DESPITE your evil girlfriend torturing you," I explained with
a smile.
     He grumbled and turned away.
     "Travis?" I asked, a bit worried now.  He turned back to face me.
I thought about telling him how unlikely any of the really horrible
accidents were, like the bolts coming off a set of wheels and flinging
us off the rail from a height, or part of the structure collapsing a bit
and dropping one rail so that the train would stop immediately on one
side and not the other and break our necks from the torque, but I knew
that wouldn't actually help.  I said instead, "I WAS watching the
coaster before we got on.  Besides, do you know why amusement parks open
at ten in the morning, when they could open at eight or nine and get
that many more thousands of dollars every day?"
     He wanted to know despite being irritated, I could tell.  Finally,
he gave in and asked, "Why?"
     "Because they inspect every inch of every ride, every day, before
they open the park.  That's why they have that ladder running up there
alongside the track.  Really.  It's supposed to be fake-scary, shock
your autonomic nervous system into a panic reaction, when objectively
there's really no danger at all.  Otherwise, people wouldn't go on them,
if there wasn't that feeling."
     He sighed.  "Just don't torture me with it, okay?  It's hard
enough..."
     "Don't go on them if it's too scary?" I suggested.
     Pause.
     "I don't want the kids to think I'm a wimp," he sighed.
     I stared at him.  "Travis, who cares?  They're third-graders."
Except David was going into second grade, but that was at the moment a
trivial distinction.  "Who cares what they think?  Besides, it takes
more courage to admit you're afraid, than it does to lie about it."
     He looked at me skeptically.
     "Which one scares you more?" I pointed out.
     Pause.
     "Do you always have to make sense like that?" he complained.
     "Yep, it's a requirement," I said as relief poured over me.  "I'm
not like a Boy Scout, who can be nonsensical all day long-"
     "Hey!" he complained, and then he mussed my hair again.  But he was
smiling, so I let him get away with it.
     Then he stopped but he was still smiling at me, so I opened my arms
up to see if he'd hug me, which he did, and then we were kissing again.
     I liked it.
     "Valerie!" one of the boys yelled, but it didn't sound panicked, so
I ignored it.  *Damnit,* I thought, *I deserve at least a little time
with him, instead of being substitute mommy, don't I?*
     "Valerie," came a voice from behind me that definitely was NOT one
of the boys, so I disengaged violently and spun, coming to rest facing
the other way-
     Facing Mike.
     "I believe we have to talk," he said, his face completely blank.

***


"I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle."
Arthur Dent


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+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313  6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC
+ http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +


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