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Tuck Feet -*- Copyright 2000 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Tuck Feet


***
06:01 9 Jun

     I woke up from a horrible nightmare, to find a soft figure in bed
next to me.  *Oh, thank-*
     It wasn't Debbie.  I could smell her, and it was Amy.  And this was
my room, and it had all happened-

***
06:12 9 Jun

     "Tuck," Amy said softly in my ear, "you don't have to go today.
You can stay home-"
     "No."  I wiped my face and sat up, away from her.  "I made a
promise to Miz Parker, to watch her kids."  It felt like I'd been
eviscerated, but I had to.  "I have to," I said out loud.
     I'd live.  Mike had reminded me of that.

***
06:45 9 Jun

     "Listen, Tuck?" Amy said as she walked me out to my car.  "If, if
you need anything, I'll be here all day, okay?"
     "Thanks..."  I hugged her for a long time, but I had to go.

***
07:11 9 Jun

     I almost blanked again at the thought of the girl's clothes I was
about to get into.  The only thing that stopped me and calmed me down
was thinking about Ricky, and trying to explain to him or Miz Parker
what had happened.  *It wasn't their fault; they deserve the best I can
do, and it's just clothes anyway.*
     Debbie could go screw herself.  I wasn't doing this for her; I was
doing this for me, and because I made a promise.  And for them.
     It hurt, worse than anything, but I knew I'd live through pain.
I'd been beaten enough times to tell myself that.

***
07:34 9 Jun

     "Good morning, Valerie," Miz Parker said as she opened the door,
just like she had before.  "We really need to get you your own key...
how was your trip?"
     "It was okay," I lied, strangling myself inside.  "How are Ricky
and Stella?  I missed them."
     "Oh, pretty good... did Kim tell you, that Davy and Gary are going
to be out of town the next two weeks?"
     Definitely news to me.  "Uh, no... how come?"
     She turned and smiled.  "Cindy and her husband took their vacation
this year to the Grand Canyon, and of course the kids went with them-"
     "Oh God," I said before I could stop myself.  At her puzzled look,
I explained, "I hope they keep a rope on those two, or one or the other
of them is going to fall in."
     She choked for a bit before she started to laugh.  But she was
nodding at the same time.

***
09:02 9 Jun

     I'd made a serious mistake after breakfast; I'd sat down.
     When I did, the alone-ness hit me again, like a slow volcano
erupting inside.  It felt like, if I'd open my eyes, that I'd see my
intestines falling on the ground like Tetsuo's...
     "Valerie?" Ricky said, and I opened my eyes to see him bouncing to
a landing on the couch next to me.  "What's wrong?"  He sounded worried.
     "Nothing," I lied, and put a smile on my face.  "I'm just tired."
     He looked at me for a second, then shook his head.  Then he got up
and hugged me.  "I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear, and I lost every
shred of control I had.

***
09:48 9 Jun

     If there's anything that'll make you feel stupid, it's having a
seven-year old hold a tissue to your nose and tell you to blow.  "I can
do it," I told him, and did it.
     "I'm really sorry," he said earnestly.  "But you can be my friend,
if you don't mind being friends with a boy."
     Damn brat started me crying again.

***
10:09 9 Jun

     Stella crying snapped me out of myself.  "That stupid baby," Ricky
commented as he let go of my neck.
     "She's not stupid, she's just hungry," I told him.  "She doesn't
know any better.  All she knows is she's hungry, and it hurts, and she
wants someone to fix it."  I got up and Ricky followed me into the
kitchen.
     "What happened to your feet?" he asked as I started working on
formula.
     "Huh?"
     "You're limping like I did when I cut my foot.  Did you cut your
feet?"
     "Um, yeah."  I didn't remember that either, but Mike had had to
bandage my feet when I came back.

***
11:42 9 Jun

     I was having trouble thinking of what to do for lunch, when Ricky
suggested, "We could go out?  Sometimes Dad takes Mom out when she feels
bad."
     After thinking about it, I told him, "That's not a bad idea."  I
wasn't sure I had enough brains to cook.

***
11:51 9 Jun

     I'd forgotten about the stupendous amount of baby things required,
however.  That was pretty stupid.  "Can we go to Chucky Cheese?" Ricky
suggested, all false innocence, as I strapped the baby seat into the
car.
     "Oh no."  I hated Chucky Cheese.

***
12:22 9 Jun

     Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that 90% of the world had a lunch
hour, and most of them would be out driving around.  As if by
coincidence, Chucky Cheese was close by and not that crowded either.  I
wanted to strangle Ricky, because either he'd planned it like this, or
he was smart enough to calculate how all the people in town acted - in
which case he was too smart for the good of humanity.
     Still I couldn't ignore the facts.
     "Oh cool!" he yelled as I pulled into the turn lane.

***
12:27 9 Jun

     It wasn't as bad as I remembered, but then again, I wasn't with a
bunch of kids who hated me but had been forced to invite me to some
party or another, either.  All I had was one infant and one seven-year
old-
     "Can I borrow some money for the games?!?" he asked frantically.
     It was getting worse.

***
12:33 9 Jun

     With the two dollars I'd coughed up - it felt like I'd ripped it
from inside, anyway - Ricky was gonna be gone for a while.  Maybe even
long enough for the pizza to be ready.  I hoped.
     As I was struggling with the ready-made formula - not made any
easier by Stella trying to grab the bottle - someone said, "Want some
help with that?"  I looked up, and it was an older, sort of chunky
blonde woman.  Smiling.
     "Uh... yeah, okay," I admitted, and handed the mess to her.  In
moments, she had it ready for Stella.  "Wow, thanks," I said sincerely.
     "Is she your first one?" she asked me as she handed it back.
     "Uh..." I stalled as I stuck the nipple into Stella's mouth and she
began sucking lustily.  "Um, what?  My first?  MY baby?"
     She nodded, her face sort of falling.
     "Oh, no, I'm, uh, like, the babysitter or nanny or whatever you
want to call it.  I'm pretty good with normal formula," I told her, "but
usually we stay at home and I don't have to mess with the ready
bottles."
     "Oh, wow," she said, the smile reappearing.

***
12:41 9 Jun

     Patsy was pretty nice, and her kids, three girls, were animals,
which wasn't really a surprise to me at all.  I nibbled on a slice of
pizza with one hand and held the bottle for Stella with the other.  I'd
have to remember to pay Rachel back for the baby sling; it was
incredibly handier than a stroller or car seat.  And Ricky was managing
to display some command of table manners, which surprised me.  Of
course, he was going to ask for more money when he got done, so I guess
he was being 'clever' and making me look good so I'd relax and spend
more.  Or something like that.

***
13:02 9 Jun

     Now that Stella was getting sleepy, I could get down to eating
myself.  And I was very glad for the chance.  I hadn't felt like eating
at breakfast; I was too nauseous.
     "You're very good with them," Patsy informed me.
     "Oh, it's not that hard," I said truthfully.  "Besides, usually
Ricky has two cousins I watch too.  So now I only have two kids to deal
with, instead of four."
     "You're kidding."
     "Nope."  I sort of enjoyed the look on her face.  "I had to take
all these classes and everything, like child care and water safety and
stuff, and I dunno, two's not hard.  Especially just Ricky.  He's a good
kid," I said loyally.
     She smiled and nodded.  "I USED to think," she emphasized, "that
girls were easier to keep under control than boys."
     "That was before you had any, right?" I asked, and we both
chuckled.  "At least Stella's not that much of a problem."
     "Yet!" we said at the same time, and laughed.

***
13:41 9 Jun

     At least I'd remembered to save the receipt from the pizza; I had
no doubts that the six dollars Ricky had 'borrowed' was gone forever.
At least I was more flush than usual-
     I popped back into the real world when someone behind me honked a
lot because of the green light I wasn't going through I discovered.

***
14:06 9 Jun

     "I can help bring the baby stuff in," Ricky told me.
     "No, I can-"
     "Hey, you're my friend, right?" he asked.
     "Yyeeaahh," I said slowly, wondering what he was up to.
     "So let me help!"

***
14:19 9 Jun

     After a changing and some cuddling, Stella was asleep again in the
baby crate - she'd cried when I pulled her out of the sling - and Ricky
had somehow talked me into changing into my bathing suit and going
swimming.
     The sun felt nice on me, which reminded me about sunblock.

***
15:08 9 Jun

     Everyone was having a bit of a snack.  I figured it was worth the
risk of cramps, since Ricky might just starve to death, and he was NOT
going to wait for another hour to get back in the water.  Besides, I had
some idea of how to drag his little butt out of the water if he had
problems.  And, of course, when Stella was hungry that was all she cared
about.
     He was being a real help, though, acting like a crutch for me and
helping me walk around and get stuff ready.

***
17:39 9 Jun

     We had ended up swimming almost the entire afternoon, and talking
about stuff that little kids are interested in, which was okay.  Well,
Ricky swam and dove and stuff; mostly I just hung out in the pool.  My
foot hurt, but the chlorine ought to take care of anything that leaked
out, and the pain reminded me I was alive.
     I just barely managed to look at my watch in time to rush everyone
inside, dry off, and change into normal clothes.  Miz Parker hadn't SAID
we had to stop swimming when she got home, but somehow I thought it was
a good idea anyway.
     "Did you enjoy Chucky Cheese?" Miz Parker asked me as she took the
receipt from lunch and started digging in her purse.
     I had to chuckle.  "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but
I only had the two of them to worry about, and Ricky kept coming back
for money."
     "Money?"
     "For the games and stuff."
     "Oh..."  She found her wallet and opened it.  "How much did he cost
you?"
     "Um, but, I didn't save any receipts or anything-"
     She looked me in the eyes, which shut me up because I was confused.
She looked very serious.  "Valerie," she said softly, "I, we, trust you.
You won't rip us off, will you?"
     "No ma'am, of course not!"
     She nodded, like she'd known that already.  "So how much did you
give him?"
     "Um... six dollars?"
     Her mouth fell open.  "He spent SIX dollars?"
     "It's not a big deal, I mean, I can afford it-"
     Her headshaking stopped me again.  "I just can't believe it cost
that much.  Was he playing games the entire time?"
     "Pretty much, yeah.  But he was good when he was actually eating.
He even remembered to wash his hands before and after, without me having
to remind him."  More than once, for the after event, anyway.  And he
hadn't argued that one time, either.  Close enough.
     She shook her head in amazement.

***
17:46 9 Jun

     I'd actually ended up losing no money, and getting a dollar extra
from Miz Parker, who said that if I could make Ricky act as mannered as
a well trained chimpanzee in a pizza parlor, I qualified for sainthood.
We'd agreed that it wasn't possible for him to act like a civilized
human being in a place like that unless he was on serious drugs; no kid
his age would.
     So I felt pretty good when I left, until I saw the car parked in
the street behind mine, and Mike and Amy sitting on the hood.
     "Wait!" Amy yelled as she shot off the car.  Mike was right behind
her.  I, meanwhile, froze.
     "Look," she said as she stopped close to me but outside of range,
"I, I just, I mean, I just wanted to talk to you..."
     I looked at Mike, stunned.  *How could you do this to me?* I
thought, and he answered, "Tu-  She knew already.  She said you came
home like that Sunday afternoon."
     "I did!?"  I didn't remember anything...
     "We had to clean up around you, before your parents got home," Mike
stated.
     She nodded.  "I mean, I didn't know what to think, but... I mean,
I'm not gonna hate you or anything, I just want to know?"
     I couldn't say anything; my thoughts were racing too much and in
too many directions for me to catch words.
     "You don't have to say anything if you don't want," Mike said in
his serious voice.  "She promised if you didn't want to talk, you
wouldn't have to say a word.  And I haven't told her anything; I told
her it's up to you, what you want to say."
     Amy nodded.  "I mean, I'm just asking, is all."  She looked at me
anxiously for a few seconds, then said, "I just want to help..."

***
18:13 9 Jun

     "I think we're clear," Mike announced, and dropped the army blanket
on the ground.  I looked around the park, and there was at least a
hundred feet clearance between us and anyone else.  I nodded, and Amy
dropped the other blanket.
     It took us a minute to set up, which was good, and Mike handed me a
coke from the twelve-pack he'd bought, and then there wasn't any more
stalling.
     "Tuck?" Amy asked.
     I was still having trouble talking.  "It, it started back in
October, last year..."

***
18:41 9 Jun

     "So, so when you went to the doctor," Amy clued, "then, then it
wasn't like a game any more, right?"
     "Yeah.  It wasn't funny any more."

***
19:08 9 Jun

     "So, I mean..."  Amy was shaking her head.  "I mean, if it's so
connected with 'her'," and my heart hurt at that.  "So why are you still
doing it?"
     "It's not that big a deal!" I complained.  Amy just kept staring at
me, but Mike shook his head at me like he does when I say something
really stupid.  "What?" I complained.
     "It IS a big deal, Tuck.  To normal guys."  I started to tell him
that I was normal, but I know better than that.
     Before I could think of a really good comeback, Amy chimed in.
"Mike is right.  Normal guys don't dress up like girls just to get a
summer job.  Or any of the rest of it."
     "I'd do it if I got to spend the night bonking my girlfriend," Mike
argued.
     Amy hit him.  "Shut up, asshole.  I meant the rest of it."  Mike
nodded at me.  "I mean," she said, turning back to me, "just to go
dancing or something?  Or out to dinner?"
     I tried to explain, "Well, I mean..."  There was a reason-
     "And it's too easy for you to do, too," Amy went on.
     I protested, "Hey you try-"
     "SHUT UP!" they both yelled at me.
     Amy continued, "I mean, ALL you did between now and this morning
when you left is change your clothes and put on some makeup.  It
doesn't, I mean it SHOULDn't work like that," she was shaking her head,
"even with your medical problems.  You were a guy for fifteen years
before you started this..."
     Mike took up where she had left off.  "Yeah, it's always been too
easy for you.  Even way back at Halloween, when Debbie first did it to
you, you just dropped right into it.  Like you had been practicing it
for years."
     "I did not!  I was scared stiff the whole time.  And I had no idea
how to be a girl then!"
     "So how many people spotted you as a guy?  Huh?  How many?" Mike
queried.
     "None, stupid!  I'm still alive!"  Except Jack had, I suddenly
remembered-
     "So," he asked in his serious voice, "how can you do this so well,
that no one can figure you out?"

***
19:12 9 Jun

     "But nobody's picked on me for being a girl, except Bobby around
Halloween," I pointed out eventually.
     "Girls get away with a lot more," Amy said, and Mike and I looked
at her in astonishment.  "I mean, we do.  I can wear makeup or not, grow
my hair out or cut it off, wear shorts or jeans or a dress, and nobody's
gonna say anything.  Guys can't do as much."
     "Yeah," I said, recognizing something I'd sort of felt.
     Even Mike eventually thought it through and nodded in agreement.

***
19:16 9 Jun

     "So you were just talking with this woman," Mike started.
     "Patsy," I reminded him.
     "Whatever, it's not important.  You're sitting there, feeding a
baby and watching Ricky play games and talking about raising kids?"
     "Well, I mean, it's not just something women do!" I reminded him.
"Dad used to take care of me when I was sick, and all that stuff,
remember?  And I can remember," barely, "him feeding Brian off a bottle
and changing his diaper and things like that."
     "I dunno," Amy said, thinking.  "You're both right.  Child care,
raising a kid isn't just a woman's job.  But... I mean, Tuck, aren't you
worried about people seeing you, out here in the park?"
     I looked around, and there wasn't anyone I knew.  "No?"
     They both nodded, but it was Mike who asked, "Why not?"
     "We both happen to know you're a guy under there," Amy added.  "But
you're not worried about being found out?"
     "Well, yeah I am!"
     "Not that much," Mike said.  "You've done stuff I couldn't imagine
doing-"
     "We've all done that," I reminded them.
     Mike shook his head.  "Shut up Tuck.  The only time I see you get
scared is when you think you might run into someone who knows you one
way, as the other way.  You're not nervous any more about being caught
as a guy like that.  Why not?"

***
19:20 9 Jun

     "What about me, I mean, I don't get along with most girls myself,"
Amy mentioned.  "And I've always gotten along with Tuck, you know that.
And you, Mike.  So what does that make me?"
     "What does it make me?" Mike countered.  "I don't know.  I don't
think anyone does.  But I know you," he looked at me, "are way too
comfortable like that.  There's something abnormal about it."
     I started to protest, "Hey-"
     "No, Tuck, I'm not saying it's bad or anything," he added.  "But, I
mean, if I was doing it... there's no way I could pull it off as long as
you have without going completely crazy."
     I commented, "Maybe I went."  My head hurt enough...
     "I don't think you're MUCH crazier than the last time I saw you,"
Amy said, and smiled and squeezed my hand.

***
19:38 9 Jun

     "I'm starting to get a clue," Mike interjected.  He'd been almost
silent for a while, only filling in the words I couldn't think of.
     "What?" Amy and I both asked.
     "Tuck," he said, "your problems... I mean, the medical ones.  Brain
sex..."
     That made too much sense.
     "But why does he keep doing it?" Amy asked him, then turned to me.
"I mean, I'm sorry, but you could still be a guy, even if it's not like
a football player or anything like that.  Why...."
     "Because he likes the girls too much," Mike said.
     "Huh?"
     "And explain brain sex," Amy added.
     "It's how brains reproduce," Mike quipped, and blocked me but
missed Amy.  "Ow," he complained as she hit him in the shoulder.
     "Seriously, jerk," she complained.
     "Alright alright," he sighed, and stretched out.  "Brain sex...
you've had bio, right?"  She nodded.  "Okay, so you've got these
hormones running around, doing all this stuff to your body, when you hit
puberty, right?"
     "Yeah?"
     "So, you know how your brain sort of melts?" Mike asked.
     "Hey!  I'm not-"
     "Amy, shut up," he snapped.  "If you're not lying to yourself,
you'll admit that your actions, like mine and everyone else's, took a
turn for the Twilight Zone when you started... well, when you started to
grow boobs.  With guys it's a different first thing, but I had it."
     "No shit!" I complained.
     Amy giggled, but nodded.  "Yeah, okay.  Sort of."
     "So," Mike went on, "those hormones affect EVERY part of your body.
When you don't have them, things change again.  That's menopause, like
your grandmother."  Mike had never met her, but he'd seen pictures.
     "But she went on..." and then Amy's mouth fell open.
     "Hormone replacement?" Mike asked a rhetorical question.  "And she
wasn't so damned bitchy, more relaxed, the hair around her lip went
away, that kind of thing?  More like your moms talk about how she used
to be?"
     I thought she'd been nicer over Christmas, but I hadn't even
suspected the reason why...
     "Tuck's been not developing at all," Mike went on.  "Everyone just
thought it was a late puberty like his dad, and maybe it was...  But the
point is, when he DID start, he started going the wrong way."
     That felt, as usual, like a lobster had just gone berserk in my
abdomen.  In addition to the worms writhing and breeding inside my
skull.
     "So what's it gonna do to his brain?" Amy asked.
     "Make it explode," I grimaced.

***
19:42 9 Jun

     Amy had dug two aspirin out of her purse, fed them to me, and
pulled my head into her lap, where she was stroking my hair.  "So go
on," she told Mike.  I didn't want to, but I couldn't find the words to
stop it.
     "So, if his body is going sort of female, like it is, his brain's
got to be going the same way."
     Long pause in which the throbbing in my head fought to kill me, and
was held by by Amy's stroking fingers.
     "I don't feel, I mean I don't think any different," I finally
managed to say.
     "I know."
     "Huh?" Amy and I said at the same time.
     Mike looked off, away from us, for a while.  When he looked back,
his eyes...  "I think half of Tucker's problem, all his life, is that
he's been brain-sexed wrong."
     "Wh-"
     "I mean, it's not like he's been playing with dolls or whatever all
his life when I wasn't watching," Mike continued hurriedly.  "I don't
even think it's completely wrong... but, I... I don't think your brain
has ever been quite normal."
     "What about you?!" I shot back at him as I wrenched up to a sitting
position, too angry for Amy's lap.
     "Me?  I'm Han Chinese with white missionary parents and I'm about
five times as smart as everyone around me; that's enough shit to fuck up
my social life.  But you were always fucked up worse than I was."
     I WANTED to argue, so bad I could taste it, and I almost screamed
something at him just to hurt him.  But it was true; he'd always been my
passport to whatever normalcy I'd ever had...
     Him, or Amy...

***
20:29 9 Jun

     My head had finally stopped hurting, and I'd stopped crying too,
but it was starting to cool off, and I found myself pressing against the
other two to keep warm instead of to keep myself in the world.  When I
figured out what I was doing and why, I said, "Hey, guys, it's starting
to get cold, and I'm hungry."
     "Let's go home, Tuck."

***
20:49 9 Jun

     Of course, we couldn't go home with me like this, so we had to go
by Rachel's house so I could change.  When I knocked on the door to her
room, she looked kind of amazed.  "Oh hey," she smiled.  "I wondered
what happened to make you so late."
     "Had to talk about some stuff," I said vaguely, and she nodded.
     Amy cleared her throat.
     "Um," I remembered, "Rachel, this is Amy my cousin, and my best
friend Mike?  This is Rachel," I said for Amy's benefit.
     "From the party, I remember," Rachel said nodding.  "So, uh, how
did the trip go?"
     I wish she'd just sliced through my throat instead.

***
21:23 9 Jun

     It was getting easier to live through.  I hadn't even blanked this
time, which was a good sign.  Blackouts were not conducive to my future
survival.
     This time, I'd just cried like a baby for almost twenty minutes
before I could calm down.  Mike had told Rachel what happened, and Amy
took care of me, cuddling me and shushing me.  Eventually it had worked.

***
21:48 9 Jun

     I don't know how I ended up going out to eat, but we were - me,
Mike, Amy, and Rachel.  And me in girl's clothes again.
     "I mean," Amy had said, "I just want to see?"
     So I'd shrugged, and found a sundress that I hadn't worn before and
an overshirt to go over the dress, changed out dirty socks with traces
of blood for clean ones, and then Rachel and Amy fussed over my makeup,
and then we were going.  I ended up in the back seat with Amy, and she
hugged me.  "I just wanted to see."
     "It's okay," I said.  I was so tired, I didn't even know what I
wanted any more.

***
23:33 9 Jun

     We finally made it home to my house, and Amy and I had had to
explain to everyone that I had been in good hands since I got off work.
I found out why the 'rents weren't completely crazy; Amy and Mike had
talked to them before they came and got me after work.  They just hadn't
expected things to be this late.  Neither had I.
     I finally crawled off to my room, but Amy stopped me in the
hallway.  "Tuck?  I, I could stay with you tonight, like last night, if
you wanted me to."
     I caught Susan's head peeking out of her room, and when she saw me
seeing her, she moved out further and nodded.  "I think it'd be good for
you, lil' bro."
     "Okay."  Susan only called me 'lil bro' when she was feeling nice.
I opened the door and almost fell across the room into bed.

***
01:44 10 Jun

     The nightmares had started.
     "Amy," I said when I could talk rationally again, "you can sleep
with Suze if you want.  I dunno, but  I might be like this all night."
I knew I would, but I didn't want her to worry.
     She shook her head, barely visible in the LED-lit cave that was my
room.  "You need me," she asserted, and held me and made me lie back
down.
     I'd never nestled in her bosom before - she hadn't really had one
before this year - but that's where she pushed me, and held me there
until I fell asleep again.

***
04:01 10 Jun

     *Why did I come back?* I wondered, as I rubbed the two inch long,
quarter inch deep slice on my wrist.  I knew, sort of, that living was a
good thing, but after a nightmare like that one, it was hard to really
think life was worth the pain.  At least I hadn't woken Amy this time.

***
05:19 10 Jun

     I was tired of dreams, so I got up to shower.

***
06:36 10 Jun

     "Tuck?"
     I turned to Amy.
     "Be careful, okay?"
     I nodded.
     She hugged me, and it was harder than ever to let her go.

***
07:44 10 Jun

     "What do you want to eat?" I asked Ricky.
     "Um," he commented, and thought about breakfast, I hoped.

***
09:31 10 Jun

     "You wanna come read comic books or something?" Ricky offered.
     "No thanks," I said, before I could force open my eyes and look at
him.  He looked upset again.  "Ricky, I'll be okay, I promise."
     "I just wanna make it better," he said, grimacing.
     "I know."  I did, too.  There just wasn't anything that was going
to make it better.  Debbie was gone.

***
10:00 10 Jun

     He didn't have much in the way of comic books, but he did have a
copy of Winnie-The-Pooh.  The book one, not the other things.

***
12:10 10 Jun

     Thank God, Ricky wanted sandwiches for lunch.  I don't think I
could have handled a stove again today.

***
14:23 10 Jun

     Ricky goggled at me.  "YOU buy COMIC books?"
     "Well, yeah, I mean, some of them are pretty cool.  But most of
those are Japanese."
     His eyes got so big I thought they were going to fall out.  "You
read JAPANESE?!" he shrieked.
     Naturally, the noise woke Stella by scaring her, and she announced
her displeasure by starting to scream some herself.

***
17:22 10 Jun

     I was in the downstairs bathroom, making sure my makeup was fresh
for Miz Parker when she got home, when Ricky poked his head in.
"Whatcha doin'?"
     "Fixing my makeup."
     "Why?"
     That made me look at him.  "Because some of it came off during the
day, and I want to look good when your mom gets home."
     He walked in, put the lid down on the toilet, and sat on it.  "Can
I ask you a weird question?"
     "Sure," I said, before I realized what I was setting myself up for.
     Before I could panic very much, though, he asked, "Why do girls
wear makeup?"
     "Um."  That wasn't what I was afraid he was going to ask - all
twenty possibilities I'd come up with in a second and a half - but I had
to think about it.  "I, I guess because it makes us look better."
     "Lipstick?" he countered.
     "Used to be, all you could get was red, and that made your lips
look like, uh..."  'Bloody' was sort of correct, but not really.  "Like
your blood was flowing a lot, like you were healthy.  Instead of pale."
     "Oh."  He thought about that, then asked, "What about eye stuff?"
     "It draws attention to your eyes, and it makes them look bigger.
And when you're paying attention to something, you open your eyes more
so you can see it better, right?"
     "I guess."
     "So it makes it look like, whoever you're looking at, you're
interested in.  Also, if you're suspicious or something, you kind of
tend to squint."  I demonstrated.  "And so it makes you look more
honest.  And there's that healthy thing again.  If you look like you're
not all sick, then your eyes are clear and white and open, instead of
shut 'cause they hurt."
     "Wow.  That's a lot of stuff.  How do you remember all that?"
     I asked him back, "The reasons or the makeup?"
     Predictably, I guess, he replied, "Both."
     "The reasons... a friend of mine talks about it a lot.  Two of
them, really.  You met Kim, remember?"  He nodded.  "Her and another
friend of mine..."
     Was Pam still my friend?  Were any of them?

***
17:28 10 Jun

     "Valerie?"
     I hadn't heard Miz Parker come in.  I guess I was crying too hard.
"I'm sorry, I was-"
     "Leave her alone, Mom!" Ricky said, very firmly.  That startled
both me and Miz Parker.  "Her and her best friend had a fight and
they're not friends any more, and she's upset.  Leave her alone," he
repeated, as the agony grew too much inside of me to stand up again, and
I sank to the floor of the bathroom again.

***
17:46 10 Jun

     "Valerie, I'm so sorry... I thought something was wrong- I mean,"
Miz Parker said hurriedly, "I mean I thought you were hurt or-  I mean
REALLY hurt-  Shit."  She shook her head.  "I'm saying this ALL
wrong..."
     It made me laugh, a little bit.  "I know what you meant...  I'll be
okay."
     "Would you like a hug?" she asked.  "I think I can do that without
messing it up," she smiled.
     I guess I did, because she gave me one.

***
18:31 10 Jun

     I got home just in time to catch Amy hugging me and Susan saving me
a plate of leftovers.  "Sorry," I apologized to them.  "I didn't mean to
be late-"
     "S'okay," Susan said, and grinned.  "You're just lucky Brian isn't
bigger than me yet.  He REALLY wanted your dinner after he ate his own."
     "You could have let him have it," I said.  "I'm not that hungry-"
     "Shut up and eat, Tucker," Susan said, and Amy grabbed me and
pulled me to the table.

***
19:44 10 Jun

     I hadn't checked my voicemail in days, so I wasn't that surprised
to see that I had a bunch of messages.  I WAS surprised to see that I'd
gotten almost eleven from assorted Pack members since Sunday.
     I pulled off my headphones and handed them to Amy, who was standing
behind me.  "You listen to 'em," I told her.  "I can't."
     "You sure?" she confirmed, but when I nodded, she slipped the
headphones on and we traded places.

***
19:57 10 Jun

     "They're all wanting you to call them back," Amy said as she slid
the 'phones off.  "Some of 'em sounded worried."
     "I can't talk to them, they're gonna scream at me for messing
Debbie up..."

***
20:11 10 Jun

     "Look," Amy said, after she'd calmed me down again.  I didn't know
that her and Susan had been ready to take off and kill Debbie
themselves.  "If you want, I could call one of them and see what's up?"
     I thought about it, or tried to, but I was still scared.  "You
wouldn't mind?"
     She shook her head.

***
20:14 10 Jun

     "Hi, Pam?  I'm, I'm a friend of Tuck's," Amy said, and squeezed my
hand.  "He can't call right now, but-"
     "Is he okay?" Pam gasped.  "Oh Jesus please let him be okay," she
added before Amy could say anything.  I had another set of headphones
plugged into the pickle, but only the one mike, which Amy was wearing.
     "He's doing alright," Amy said slowly, looking at me.  "But he
didn't know why everyone was calling him, and he was scared to call
anyone back."  That was more than I'd wanted her to say, but she brushed
off my signed comments.
     "I, we, we just wanted to make sure he was alright," Pam said.
"Are you sure he's alright?"
     "Yeah," Amy replied.  "He's kind of messed up in the head, but
he'll be okay."  She squeezed my hand again, really firm.
     "Can, would it be okay if I visited him?" Pam asked.
     Amy asked me with her eyebrow, and I thought about it for a second,
then nodded and signed Here.  "Yeah, I think that'd be okay.  Do you
know where his house is?"
     "Yeah, I can be there in like, is twenty minutes okay?"
     Amy glanced at me, I nodded, and she agreed, "Yeah, twenty
minutes."
     "Okay..."  Pam paused.  "Look, could you tell him... we don't think
it was his fault, okay?  And we're not gonna do anything, we're just
worried about him and stuff."
     "I'll tell him," Amy said neutrally.

***
20:38 10 Jun

     Pam's minivan pulled up in front of the house, and Pam got out.
"Tuck?" she called, and I waved.  Amy and Susan were outside waiting
with me, 'just in case' they said.  I tried to convince them they would
be safer inside the house if something bad happened, like a drive-by,
but they wouldn't listen to me.
     She came up the walk slowly, and stopped a few feet away from me.
"Tuck?"
     "Yeah?"
     She had her arms around herself, and she just kept looking at me.
Finally, she asked, "Are, are you okay?"
     "I'll live," I told her.  I could have told her about weeping fits
and nightmares and constant agony in my gut, but that wouldn't have done
a lot.
     The flash of pain across her own face, though, told me she knew
what I hadn't said.  "Tuck... I'm sorry..." she said, and a tear fell
down her cheek.

***
20:47 10 Jun

     "It doesn't matter whether you believe in it or not," Pam snapped
at me, wiping her face angrily.  "What matters is that I do, and I've
been praying for you every day anyway...."  She trailed off, and before
I could come back with something, she grabbed and held my hands.
"That's not what I meant, Tuck," she said softly.  "It, it was just what
I could do.  For you."
     Finally, I could nod and say, "Thanks," and mean it.

***
21:04 10 Jun

     I was so tired I almost wanted to sleep right where I was, outside
in the grass.  "Pam, can, can we talk tomorrow or something?  I need
some rest," I begged.
     "Yeah, Tuck, sure," she said softly, and leaned forward and hugged
me again before she helped me stand up.  "Um, can, can I ask you
something?"
     "Yeah..."  *Please don't let it be long,* I didn't say.
     "Can, can I call the other girls and tell them you're alright?
Jill's been talking about beating the hell out of Debbie anyway, and
she's been getting really impatient."
     "Jill?"  Pam nodded.  "Are you serious?"  She nodded again.  "I
guess you could tell them I'm okay," I allowed.

***
21:41 10 Jun

     It was nice having Amy in bed, especially when she smelled clean
after washing her hair.

***
02:20 11 Jun

     I wondered if Sheila would agree to something to keep me from
having REM sleep for a month.
     Which led to me wondering if I'd last until Saturday.

***
05:02 11 Jun

     I hadn't noticed that Amy followed me into the bathroom, what with
me being so preoccupied with trying not to barf on the carpet or
anything, so when she offered me a glass of water after I got done
throwing up, I almost yelped.
     Unfortunately, that was apparently close enough to the trigger
signal that I tried once again to retch my stomach out.  I hated having
dry heaves.

***
06:33 11 Jun

     "What are you doing?" Amy asked as I hoisted the box up.
     "Ricky didn't believe that I could like comics too, so I decided I'd
bring some to show him," I smirked.
     She pointed.  "Isn't that your anime stuff?"
     "Manga.  Yeah, some of it-"
     "Don't you think you'd better edit it for the X rated stuff?" she
suggested.
     "I did that a long time ago; the X rated stuff is in my closet," I
grinned.
     "Where?" she challenged.

***
07:32 11 Jun

     "Are you feeling any better today?" Miz Parker asked.
     I lied and nodded.  "Yeah, I'm getting over it.  Really," I added.
"At least I haven't lost my other friends," I told her, and that was
apparently sincere enough to convince her.

***
09:18 11 Jun

     I was up to pancakes today, and that's what Ricky wanted, thank
goodness.  Or maybe it was vice versa.  Anyway, I was cleaning up, and
he was hanging out in the kitchen, which was making me suspicious.  Or
more suspicious than usual.  Maybe it was just my feet.

***
09:21 11 Jun

     "So did you bring your comics?" Ricky challenged me as I finished
washing the breakfast dishes.
     "Yeah, they're out in the car," I smiled at him.  The box I'd
brought weighed almost as much as he did.  Last summer had been good for
that, anyway.  I'd known that Magic: The Gathering was addictive, and
had avoided it like the plague therefore, but I had no qualms about
helping set up a database and some other stuff for a comics shop that
wanted to become a 'locus of infection' as Mike termed it.  I thought of
it more like a crack house, myself.
     But, any way you called it, they were willing to pay me and my
friends off in manga, at 25% off retail.  Almost better than cash.
Especially when my friends paid ME in cash at a 15% discount rate.  I
hadn't lied, but Mike had made the point that I was doing all the work,
and if it wasn't for me we'd all be paying full price.

***
09:24 11 Jun

     "No WAY!" he shrieked as I pulled out the long - heavy - white box
from the back seat.
     "Way," I shot back at him.  "Go open the door, this is heavy."

***
09:38 11 Jun

     "Ranma is WEIRD!" Ricky complained as he closed it and slid it back
into the plastic envelope.  We'd had to have a talk about proper comic
book care, but he was being careful.  I guess he didn't want to have his
fingers cut off, like I'd promised I'd do.
     "Yeah, it is, kinda," I agreed.
     "Is there another one?"

***
11:45 11 Jun

     "Can you fix those baked potato things again?"

***
12:58 11 Jun

     "Valerie?"
     "Yeah?"  I finished wiping down the floor where he'd dropped a
bottle of dressing.  I hoped I'd finished.  I'd had enough 'fun' with
pulling glass out of my feet already this week.
     "I'm really sorry."
     "I know, you didn't mean to."
     "I didn't!" he protested.
     I looked up at him, and he looked upset.  "Ricky, I KNOW you
didn't, which is why I said that."  I grinned at him.  "Besides, if you
really wanted to make a mess, you'd have thrown it at the ceiling."
     That got him to laugh.
     I hoped, far too late, I hadn't given him an idea I was going to
regret.

***
13:04 11 Jun

     "Can I ask you a question?"
     *Why does he always wait until I'm fixing my makeup to do this?*
"What is it, Ricky?"
     "Promise not to tell anyone?"
     Oh, God.  Ethical dilemna.  "Ricky," I put down the lipstick and
looked him in the eye.  "Ricky, if it's just a question, then I guess.
But, I mean, if you did something, or didn't do something you were
supposed to do, you've gotta fix it."
     He protested, "It's not like that, it's just a question."
     "Okay, then, I won't tell anyone you asked."
     He looked at his feet and wrapped his arms around himself, and
rocked himself a little.  I wondered if it was something about me, but
he looked too self-absorbed to be thinking of anyone else.

***
13:06 11 Jun

     "Come on, Ricky, ask, would you?"
     "It's hard!"
     "So's standing here waiting and wondering what it is!" I shot back.
"Come on, it can't be that bad."  *You're not old enough to have any
questions that bad.*
     He took a deep breath and let it out, and finally spit out, "I just
wondered what I'd look like as a girl!"
     *Did I just hear what I thought I just heard?*

***
13:11 11 Jun

     He was serious, but he made me swear, not just up and down but also
across and diagonals, never ever to tell anyone.  I had no problems with
that; if it came out that I'd done something like this, jail would be a
kind fate.

***
13:14 11 Jun

     I was desperately trying to remember what the girls in second grade
had done, but it was hard; I didn't like remembering second grade.
Second grade was when I had started to understand what the other kids
actually meant when they talked to me.  It hadn't been nice.  "I mean,
girls don't wear makeup when they're your age," I finally got out.
     "Yes they do," he disputed.  "I heard Mom and Aunt Cindy talking
about it one time, when they were in FIRST grade," he challenged.
     "Alright, alright!"  He was probably lying, but I'd never find out.
At least I hoped I wouldn't.
     "So what do you do first?" he asked.
     I looked around the bathroom, and decided this was not the place.
"Let's go upstairs."

***
13:18 11 Jun

     I had gotten Stella and the baby sling and a towel; Stella because
a baby might just spontaneously evaporate if not watched, the sling to
keep Stella in the middle of things where she wanted to be, and the
towel to cover the carpet in Ricky's bedroom in front of his closet
mirror.  I made sure we had enough lights, and then sat us both down
where we could see.  "Okay, first this stuff," I showed him the bottle.
"It's called 'foundation' 'cause like a house, you put everything on top
of this."
     "Do you have a basement?" he asked, and after I figured that one
out, he laughed so hard he fell over.
     I sighed, and realized that I could be in a nice computer center
with a real computer and a high speed link instead of here.  But noooo.

***


My PID is Inigo Montoya.  You kill -9 my parent process.
Prepare to vi.


Distribution:
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person or group.
Permission is given to redistribute this by electronic
means, as long as the entirety of the work (from the BEGIN PGP SIGNED
MESSAGE header to the END PGP SIGNATURE footer) is distributed, and
credit is given to the original author, me.
Archiving is permitted provided no fee is charged for access.

All rights reserved.


+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313  6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC
+ http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +



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