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Keep On Tuckin' -*- Copyright 1998 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Keep On Tuckin'


***
18:41 19 Apr

     Debbie sat on my bed, and looked up at me.  "Tuck?"
     "Yeah?"
     "Do... do you still care about me?"
     The question almost knocked me over.  "What?!  Of COURSE I do,
Debbie!  Wh-w-w-w-what makes you think, that I don't?"
     She stared at the floor, her hands flopping around in her lap like
fish.  "I, I dunno.  You just seem, different.  Like you don't care as
much or something."  Her voice wavered on the last one, and I realized
that she was on the verge of tears.
     "Oh, Deb, no..."  I sat next to her and held her as close as I
could.  "No, God no.  I, I just..."  I fought back my own tears.  "I
thought you wouldn't want me, maybe, I was trying to give you some space
to think about it-"
     She reached over and kissed me fiercely.  I guess she didn't need
to think about it.

***
18:52 19 Apr

     We hadn't really been able to do anything, since my parents and
Brian were there, but we'd done what we could to patch up our
relationship.  There was a lot to do.
     I noticed what time it was, and asked, "Deb?  You wanna stay for
supper?"  She just nodded, her head rubbing my shoulder.

***
20:29 19 Apr

     Everyone except Brian had ended up watching television together.
It was a weird sort of half-normal evening.  I think Debbie and I were
having as much fun just being next to each other as watching TV or
talking to Mom and Dad.  They were being a little strange, but I guess
we all were.  Things had changed, sort of, and it was a little hard to
deal with.

***
09:25 20 Apr

     "I was just wondering, could we go somewhere else?" I asked Kim.
     "Well..."  I heard her switch the phone around.  "I guess so.
Why?"
     "I, I dunno.  I just don't want to go..."
     Pause.
     "Oh.  Yeah, sure, why not?"

***
11:21 20 Apr

     "Somehow, I find myself underwhelmed," Jill mentioned as we left.
     "I think, I mean, don't get me wrong, Tuck," Kim hastened to add,
"it's okay if we try something different, but, I mean..."
     "It was sort of boring and mundane?"  Both of them nodded.  I
sighed.  "Maybe... maybe next week, we can go back to the usual. MAYBE."
I sighed again.  "I dunno, sometimes..."
     "It just felt weird, in there," Jill commented.
     Kim corrected, "No, it felt normal, and we don't fit in there,
quite, any more."  Jill nodded slowly.  I had to, too.

***
13:58 20 Apr

     "Tuck?"
     "What, Mike?"
     "You okay?" he asked quietly.
     My head snapped up, and I was about to rip into him, but when I
locked eyes with him, I couldn't.  After about half a minute, I just
nodded.  He nodded back, slowly.
     "Hey, we gonna play or what?" Dan asked impatiently.

***
11:36 21 Apr

     "Um, there's just one little problem about the support meeting,
Tuck..."  Jill looked like she was ill.
     "Like what?  It's not this week?"  I could live with that.  I
wasn't really looking forward to it anyway.
     "Um, no..."

***
11:38 21 Apr

     "NO!  I will NOT do it, and they can go to HELL if they think I'm
gonna-"
     "Tuck, wait, it's just once-"
     "NO!"

***
12:10 21 Apr

     I might have died of embarrassment if Debbie hadn't been there.  On
the other hand, if Debbie hadn't been there, the rest of the Pack
wouldn't have been there either, or I wouldn't have been, and then they
wouldn't have talked me into going.
     I couldn't figure out which was worse.

***
15:16 21 Apr

     Deeeeeeeetention.  Boooooooooooring.

***
16:33 21 Apr

     "Hey, Mike?"  He looked up from our math homework.  "Do you, I
mean, what... "
     "What what?"
     I took a deep breath.  "We're still cool, right?  I mean, after
last week and everything?"
     He gave me a stupid look, then said, "I wouldn't let you in here if
we weren't cool, Tuck.  There's enough assholes in my life already, I
don't need 'em in my room too.  Therefore, you are not one."
     "Thanks."
     "Don't mention it."  He reached over and slugged my shoulder.
"Hey," he mentioned, changing the subject, "you wanna go look for used
books?  I'm running out."
     "Sure."

***
17:31 21 Apr

     I was looking at some older stuff that they had off to the side,
when this girl bumped into me.  "Oh, sorry!" we both said at the same
time.  She smiled at me, and explained, "I just got to looking hard, and
I sort of forgot you were there."  I hadn't noticed her at all, so I
guess I could understand that.  Now that I had, sort of, she was kind of
cute, in a Kim sort of way.  Glasses and straight hair made her look
like most of the girls I'd been anywhere close to friends with before
Debbie.
     She was still smiling at me.

***
18:06 21 Apr

     "Oh, my God..."  I took deep breaths.
     Mike was giving me a strange look.  "What is going on with you now,
geek boy?"
     "That girl, she, she, I-"
     "Tuck," he said calmly, "just tell me what happened."
     "She hit on me!"
     His eyebrows went up.
     "And what if DEBBIE found out?!"
     His eyebrows went way down.
     "Oh God, oh God..."

***
20:44 21 Apr

     "'Lo?"
     "Hey, Tuck, it's me."  I had a pulse of fear.
     "Oh, hey Deb.  Whatsup?" I tried to say casually.
     "Just calling to see how you were doing?"  
     Oh, thank God.  "I'm fine, Deb, really."  I sighed, silently.
     Pause.
     "I miss you," she said quietly.
     "I miss you too."  God, did I.

***
11:36 22 Apr

     Mike dinged the play bell.  "Are you ready to play?" he asked us.
     "Amen," I said.

***
15:04 22 Apr

     Deeeeeeeetention.  Boooooooooooring.

***
23:06 22 Apr

     "Hacking hacking hacking,
     High speed data jacking,
     da da da da da da,
     Rawhide!"
     It was kind of stupid, but things were going well, and I felt like
I ought to sing.  Or something.  And it was too late to call Mike or
Debbie or anyone that could keep their mouth shut.

***
15:54 23 Apr

     I was about to lie down on my bed and take a short nap, homework
and hacking last night having kept me from enough sleep, when I
remembered that I had stuck everything up in the attic, and it might be
a good idea to get it down while everyone was out of the house.

***
16:39 23 Apr

     "Jesus, it didn't seem like that much at the time," I mentioned to
myself as I shut my closet door.  I dropped on my bed and was about to
pass out when the phone flashed.  I yanked up the wimp phone.  "'Lo?"
     "Hey, kid, how you doing?"  It was Kathy.  I tried not to sigh.

***
07:53 24 Apr

     "They're calling me all the time, it just gets on my nerves
sometimes."  I slammed my locker shut.
     "Who is?" Mike asked.
     "All of 'em.  Kathy called me last night."
     "Maybe I should run off for a couple of days, then I'd have some
more girls to talk to."
     "Kim's not enough for you?" I joked.
     "Kim's not calling me," Mike said.  He didn't sound amused.
     Pause.
     I offered, "Want me to talk to her?"
     He sighed, and looked sideways at a cheerleader.  "Yeah, if you
could without, you know, making her suspicious or whatever."
     "I think I could," I said casually.
     "Hey, thanks, I'd really appreciate it."

***
11:53 24 Apr

     "Oooohhhhhh, no," I moaned.
     Mike just nodded, almost sadly.  "Yep.  This one isn't the princess
you remember."
     Everyone else in the room started to complain, bitterly.  So much
for the reward.

***
12:16 24 Apr

     "Hey, Kim, could I ask you something?"
     "Sure," she said.
     I thought about how to ask.  "Um, I was wondering how things are
going with you and Mike?"  I hoped that was a good way.
     She stopped, and looked at me, and shrugged.  "I dunno, really.
After y- a couple of weekends ago, things just kind of stopped."
     "Oh," I said after a while.
     "Since you're gonna talk to him after you talk to me," she grinned
a little bit, "then why don't you say I said that I thought he should
call me."
     "I, uh, I, he, um."  I thought about it.  "Okay."

***
14:52 24 Apr

     "I don't have her number!" Mike complained.  "She kept calling me!"
     "Ah," I said.  "I think I see the problem."

***
15:09 24 Apr

     Deeeeeeeetention.  Boooooooooooring.

***
16:18 24 Apr

     I reached over and told Barsoom that yes, it should continue its
little backup.  Idiot computer.  "He doesn't have your number."
     "He doesn't?"
     "He said he doesn't, he said you always call him."
     "But, but I thought..."  Kim trailed off, sounding confused.  "I
thought I gave it to him!"
     I shrugged, not that she could see it.  "I guess not, or he lost
it, or something.  Maybe you should call him again and give it to him?"
     "Well, could you give it to him?"
     "I don't have it either," I lied, and cranked up the caller ID
log editor.  I figured I'd check and make sure I had the right one,
while I was at it.

***
11:48 25 Apr

     I watched Kathy talk with her boyfriend Mark.  It was interesting,
since she was taller than he was.  I don't know why.
     "Tuck?"
     "Huh?"  I turned back to face Jill.
     "You're going tonight, right?" she asked.
     "To what?  Oh," I said as I remembered.  "Oh, jeez.  You're, you'll
go with me if I go, right?"
     She nodded.  "Kim will too.  We'll be there for you."
     I hugged her.  Then, I noticed Debbie was giving me the eye, so I
hugged her too.  Then I decided to hug everyone I could reach.  It felt
good, and I needed it today.

***
15:18 25 Apr

     Deeeeeeeetention.  Boooooooooooring.

***
16:39 25 Apr

     I stared at the clothes I'd laid out, and wondered if somehow, this
would make things worse.
     *They can't get much worse,* I told myself.  *And you still have
friends, so don't worry about it.*  It didn't help.

***
16:56 25 Apr

     "Oh, good," I mumbled to myself as the front doorbell flashed.  I
zipped downstairs, not forgetting to seal the door to the cave before I
left, and made it to the front door just in time to see Brian try to
slam the door shut.  "Brian, you jerk, quit it!" I yelled at him.
Someone else yelled at him fron the other side, and the door flew open
to reveal a peeved Jill and Kim.  A nicely dressed Jill and Kim.  I
could tell, because Jill had her nice pants on.

***
16:59 25 Apr

     "Someone needs to teach that brat some manners," Jill huffed as we
got into Kim's mom's car.
     "Yep," I agreed.  "On the other hand, you'd have to be around him
to teach him any, and I really can't advise that."
     "Are you, did you..." Kim tried to ask.
     "Yeah," I sighed.  "I didn't think I was going to be doing this
again anytime soon, you know.  Like never?"
     "Never say never," Jill said somberly.
     "It's like a challenge to God or something," Kim added.

***
17:14 25 Apr

     I looked at the bottle of foundation in my hand, which was shaking,
and wondered just what the hell I thought I was doing.
     "Hey, Tuck?  Hey," Kim called.  She reached out and took the bottle
out of my hands.  "It's okay, it's alright," she said as she pulled me
into a hug.  Jill's hands rubbed my shoulders.
     I tried to explain, "It's just, I mean, when, I just..."

***
17:18 25 Apr

     "You should've seen Pam the first time she went," Kim said as I
dried my eyes out.  "She almost crawled out the window, she was so
freaked.  Before she even went in."
     "If I thought I could get away, I might try it," I tried to joke.
     Jill said, "Tuck, if you really don't want to do this, we can go
home or something.  We, we..."  She looked helplessly at Kim.
     Kim picked it up.  "We thought it might help, which is why we
called and stuff," Kim told me.  "But if you really don't want to go or
whatever, I don't wanna make you, okay?"
     "Me neither," Jill agreed.  "We're just here to help-"
     "For moral support," Kim added.

***
17:21 25 Apr

     "We could go eat first, if you're hungry," Kim mentioned.
     "I'm kind of hungry," Jill said, almost apologetically.
     "Yeah, I guess," I said.

***
17:40 25 Apr

     "Sorry," I apologized, "I just, just got scared.  All those
people..."  It was like it was Buy a Big Mac For Jesus Day or something.
There was no way on Earth I was going in there tonight.
     Kim shrugged eloquently.  "It's not a problem."
     "At least we got the radio," Jill pointed out.  "It's better than
cheap Muzak."  Said car radio was playing some soothing Smiths in
relatively well-balanced quadraphonic sound.  I had to agree with her.
"So what do I have to do to get some fries?" she asked.
     "Beg," Kim said seriously, and Jill whapped her on the head. "Ow!"
She reached around and swiped at Jill, who dodged and laughed and
slapped Kim's hand.

***
18:04 25 Apr

     With all the joking around, I almost felt normal.  Sort of.
     Then again, this wasn't the first, or even the fifth, time I'd been
out with Kim and Jill in girl clothes.  It was practically routine by
now.
     "So, what next?" I asked.
     "Um," Kim mumbled, then looked at the dashboard clock.  "It doesn't
start until seven."
     "So, what do we do until then?"
     Pause.
     Jill said, "Hellifino.  You have any ideas?"

***
18:17 25 Apr

     "Haven't we been here before?" I asked as we walked into the
bookstore.
     "I want to get something specific," Kim said.  "It won't take
long."
     "Sure," Jill and I said at the same time.  I don't think we
believed her.

***
18:36 25 Apr

     Jill showed me a book, and I almost choked on the title.  Not to
mention the cover art.
     Jill might have found the Gay Cafe, but Kim had led us right to its
bookstore equivalent.  I glanced around nervously, wondering if I was
gonna have problems with anyone.
     And what WAS she looking for?

***
18:44 25 Apr

     "None of your business!" Kim told us.  "Just some poetry."
     Jill huffed and rolled her eyes.  "Jeez, Kim, I mean, we DID figure
out what kind of bookstore that was, so-"
     "It's a womyn's bookstore," somehow pronouncing it so you could
hear the "Y" in it, "and they have some authors there that I have to
order from other places."
     "So what's with the poetry thing anyway?" I asked.
     "I just like it," Kim answered, like she didn't want to discuss it.
     Jill said, "Okay," like she was trying to stop something before it
got started.  Or before it got ugly.  "So.  Do we know where the deal
is?"
     "I got the directions you got," Kim said, digging in her purse.
"Right, uh.... here," she finally said, flourishing a big Post-It.

***
19:13 25 Apr

     "Jeez, finally," I mentioned as Kim parked the car.
     "Don't blame me," Kim snapped, "I didn't-"
     "I was trying to get it done with two of my brothers having a fight
at the same time!" Jill protested.  "I didn't want them to hear about
this either, I think I did pretty-"
     "Would you two shut UP?!" I almost shrieked.  I didn't need this
right now.
     They both stopped, and looked at me for a second, before they both
dropped their eyes.  "Sorry," they mumbled.
     We all were kind of quiet for a minute, untill Jill finally said,
"Well, let's go see if we got the right house, okay?"
     We all got out of the car.  There were a few other cars parked
around this one, so it was probably the right one.  Not that that kept
me from getting nervous as we walked to the front door.
     "Take it easy, okay?" Kim said as she rubbed my shoulder through
the blouse I was wearing.  "It'll be okay."  Jill rang the doorbell, and
my breath caught in my throat.
     An eternity later, maybe thirty seconds worth, the door opened.  I
didn't quite know what to expect, but it was a normal looking woman,
maybe in her forties, who was dressed up a little nicer than would be
normal for seven at night.  And I could hear conversation in the
background, though I couldn't see anyone.  I started to breathe a
little.
     "Yes?" she asked.
     "Is this the, uh, Peterson house?" Jill asked.  When the woman
nodded, she continued, "We're here for the, uh, meeting tonight?  I
called last week-"
     "Oh, you must be Jill," the woman said, and opened the door so we
could come in.  "Come in," she told us, so we did.
     When she shut the door behind us, and turned around, Kim said, "I'm
Kim, and this is Valerie."
     "Well, nice to meet you," she said, looking at all of us.  I guess
she wondered why I was blushing.  Or maybe not, if she dealt with this
all the time.  "I'm Bonnie Peterson.  If you'd like to come in to the
living room, that's where everyone is right now, or there's snacks in
the kitchen..."

***
19:19 25 Apr

     I leaned against the bottom post of the staircase, trying to catch
my breath.
     "Oh, man," breathed Jill, looking back into the living room.  "This
is soo....."  She seemed at a loss for words.  I wasn't surprised; I
couldn't really think of anything to say, either.
     "I don't think we're in Toto anymore, Kansas," Kim muttered.  Now
she had a blush as bright as mine felt.
     Finally I forced out, "Are you sure this is the right group?"  I
didn't dare say anything else, like "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" or "Are you two totally incompetent?" or something worse.
     Both of them looked at me, and Jill opened her mouth, but nothing
came out right away.  Finally, she said, "I think this is the group I
CALLED...."  She trailed off as she looked back into the living room.
Her face froze as she saw something else.  I didn't want to know what it
was.
     "I, I, we," Kim sort of babbled.  She stopped herself, and took a
deep breath, and she was about to say something when someone came
rushing around the staircase, shrieked, and jumped on top of all three
of us.

***
19:20 25 Apr

     The assorted screams, as well as the thuds, had attracted all sorts
of unwelcome attention from the crowd.  They stood around trying to be
helpful, I guess, or because it was something interesting to talk about.
Julia, from my school, whose last name I was guessing was Peterson, was
groaning and clutching one ankle in a familiar looking pose.  Jill was
looking surly as she wrapped her arms around bruised ribs, and I caught
a glimpse of my face in the hall mirror - Kim and I looked identically
confused beyond belief.
     "Are you okay, sweetie?" one of the better looking men in dresses
asked Julia as he knelt down beside her.
     "It's okay, Dad," she gasped, then glanced at us fearfully.
     Kim and I looked at each other.  I could see the lightbulb over her
head.

***
19:26 25 Apr

     Julia took a big breath.  "So, I was running late, so I was trying
to get out as quick as I could, and when I saw you three of all people,
standing there around the stairs, I was surprised, and I tried to stop,
but my heel slipped-"
     There was a chorus of agreement from the people around us, and
someone started into a story about slippery heeled shoes.  I took
another swallow of the red wine I'd nicked.  I figured I could use the
alcohol tonight.
     "Where'd you get that," Jill asked into my ear, "and is there any
more?"  I pointed, and she went to get some.
     "That looks like a good idea," Julia said, and she followed Jill.
I decided that I was going to need a refill soon enough anyway, so I
finished my glass, and followed them.

***
19:32 25 Apr

     We'd helped Julia back upstairs, carrying our glasses with us.  She
said she wanted to change, since she wasn't going out any more, but I
think we were all hoping that we could convince her to stay up there and
explain things to us.

***
19:36 25 Apr

     "So they're..."  Jill trailed off.
     Julia sighed.  "My dad, the one in the business suit," it was gold
lame, "he's the local head of something called Tri-Ess, Society for the
Second Self, and he has the meetings here, it's an organization of
heterosexual crossdressers, which means that they're straight guys that
like to dress up in women's clothing, and it means they're not gay or
perverts or anything like that..."  I had my doubts.  I think Debbie
would have called a gold lame business suit a crime against humanity.
Sabrina would have simply gone into convulsions.

***
19:40 25 Apr

     Julia had somehow snagged an entire bottle of red wine, which was
fine with me, and she was refilling our glasses.
     "They're really harmless," Julia was trying to convince us.  "I
mean, they can get boring, sometimes, and God, they have no idea of what
clothes to wear, but-"
     "Oh, God," Jill broke in, "did you see the one in all that black
lace and the corset?"  Kim and I giggled.  I hoped he wasn't going to go
outside dressed like that; he was gonna have some serious problems with
a certain class of people who would assume he was for rent.  Not to
mention the police.
     "That's Stacy," Julia sighed.

***
19:47 25 Apr

     Julia finally burst out with, "Look, you're not going to mention
this to anyone, are you?"
     We all looked at each other as she continued, "It would really hurt
everyone, and like destroy my reputation at school, and-"
     "Wait."  Jill slammed the brakes on that spaz with one word.
"You're sitting here with someone you know has been doing this since
October, and you're worried WE'RE gonna talk?"
     "Wait," I mentioned, and everyone looked at me.  "Debbie has got to
know about this."  Julia immediately started protesting in a panicked
stream, but I just talked over her.  "LOOK, if there is ANYone in town
who needs a good makeup artist, this crowd is it!  And you know she'll
keep her mouth shut too, she's got too much to lose."
     Julia looked stunned, but Jill didn't waste any time putting her
glass down in a safe place and starting to laugh.  Kim followed her a
second later, except I had to grab her wine glass before she dropped it
on the carpet.

***
20:02 25 Apr

     "How's your ankle?" I asked as Julia was refilling our glasses
again.
     "Better.  I think it was just a little twist-"
     "No more for her," Jill told Julia as she was about to refill Kim's
glass.  "She's driving."  Kim pouted, but didn't argue.

***
20:04 25 Apr

     Julia looked at me.  "So, what are you all doing here?" she asked
finally.
     Jill and Kim looked at me, like they were asking permission before
they said anything.  I sighed.  "Remember," I started, "when I wasn't at
school a couple of weeks ago?"  She nodded.  "Well..."

***
20:17 25 Apr

     "Oh, wow, I'm really sorry," Julia said.  Jill squeezed my hand.
     I shrugged.  "Yeah, me too.  I guess...."  I shrugged again.  "It's
just weird the way things worked out.  With Debbie and the Pack and
everything.  And you," I added.
     She shrugged back at me.  "At least you've got friends who still
like you," she pointed out.
     "Yeah, I know."  I squeezed Jill's hand as Kim rubbed my shoulder.
     "And we THOUGHT we'd found a support group for it," Jill mentioned,
and sort of laughed.  It wasn't a nice sort of laugh.
     Julia looked hesitant.  "Uh, I don't... I mean, I think everyone
would be cool with it, but I don't think they have the, uh, same,
orientation towards it that you do.  For one thing, they want to be
doing it in the first place."  She got a funny look on her face.  "So,
why are you here like that?" she asked, and pointed at me.
     I glared at Jill, who put up her hands defensively.  "Hey, she -
Bonnie, she said it was a requirement!  It wasn't my idea, I swear to
God!"
     Julia made a face.  "Oh, God, I forgot about that."
     I tried to say something more coherent, but all I could manage was,
"Why?"
     Julia looked at me, and sighed, and said, "It's a security measure,
they figure if everyone here is dressed like that then nobody'll
squeal."
     "What about us?" Jill asked, pointing at herself and Kim.  Julia
just sighed sadly and had some more wine.

***
20:32 25 Apr

     "Why not?" I asked, so we all got up, and got our glasses, and
proceeded downstairs again.  Julia had kicked off her shoes but hadn't
replaced them with anything, and she hadn't changed either, so she
looked a weird mix of elegant and casual as she walked around in a very
nice dress without shoes on.  As we went down the stairs, I mentioned to
Jill, "I went to a jock party with a guy, this can't be much worse."
     "And at least you don't have to worry so much about people figuring
it out," she said back.  I started to worry about what Lisa might have
told her.

***
20:44 25 Apr

     I'd gotten nailed by someone who, I think, was trying to explain
gender to me.  He wasn't doing as good a job as Jack had, and the
fluorescent green and pink dress he was wearing was giving me brain
damage.

***
20:51 25 Apr

     I had my eyes closed and jammed into Kim's shoulder, where I was
hoping I could absorb enough life force to regenerate my charred optic
nerves.  Kim was patting me on the head, and rocking me back and forth.
That was all her idea.  I was just happy to be in the dark.
     "So what are you young ladies doing here?" someone's gravelly voice
asked.
     "Oh, we're-"
     "We're just visiting Julia," Jill interrupted.
     "They're friends of mine," Julia explained, "from school."  I
heard, or felt, Kim getting a subtle kick.

***
21:08 25 Apr

     "So?"
     Julia sighed softly, and pinched the bridge of her nose.  "They're
nice people," she started, "and if they want to do what they do, that's
fine with me..."
     Jill looked at me and asked, "Well, I mean...." and trailed off.
     I was kind of underwhelmed by what I'd seen, myself.  I patted Jill
on the head, which she hated, and said, "I dunno, I think... I think..."
     "I think I'm bored," Kim stated.
     "That's it," I confirmed.  "No offense."
     Julia shook her head.  "That's why I usually take off on Friday
nights-"
     "Sorry," Jill apologized.
     "It's okay, I was going to a recital over at Deighton, and I didn't
feel like going after I twisted my ankle.  Too much walking around
campus to get there."  She shrugged, and sipped at her wine.  "So... I'm
in the mood to do something, at least, tonight."
     There was a long pause as we all sort of looked at each other.  I
had some more wine myself, but nobody had said anything when I got done.
     Finally, Jill looked directly at me, instead of sideways like she
had been, and asked, "Well?  Would you want to go out tonight, or would
you rather stay home?  I mean, go home."
     I thought about it, like I had been.  Finally, I just shrugged.
"Hey, why not.  I'm already dressed for it, I guess, and as long as we
go someplace safe, I don't see why not."
     "Do you want to change first?" Kim asked.  She and Jill both looked
really serious when she asked that, like it was important or something.
Maybe it was.
     I shrugged again, and answered, "I dunno.  I guess this is okay," I
waved my hand over the jumper and blouse I was wearing.  "It doesn't
seem to make a whole lot of difference."  I kind of smiled, and added,
"Besides, with me and Debbie, it's probably safer with me like this.  At
least I don't have to worry about girls trying to pick me up."
     "What?"  Julia looked confused.

***
21:18 25 Apr

     "There's this place called Underground," Jill was explaining to
Julia as we went outside.  Kim and I just looked at each other.
     "You gonna be okay there?" Kim asked me quietly.
     "Yeah, I guess.  Just don't run off and leave me alone, okay?"  She
shook her head.
     Then she grinned at me, and nudged my shoulder.  "At least you're
not dressed to kill like last time.  That oughta keep the riffraff off."
     "And Debbie's coming.  I think."  I'd left a detailed message on
her answering machine.  "I hope."
     "Are you safe to drive?" Julia asked Kim.
     Kim was about to say yes, then thought about it, and pulled her
keys out, threw them up high in the air, and caught them.  "Yeah.
My reflexes are okay, anyway.  I'll just take it careful."  Unlike most
of my friends, she actually seemed like a halfway decent driver.

***
21:40 25 Apr

     "They look kind of crowded," Julia mentioned as we pulled into the
parking lot.
     Jill nodded, which Julia couldn't see, and said, "Yeah, they have a
pretty good sized crowd.  It's one of the few places in town that allows
underaged people onto a dance floor that does industrial."  That seemed
like a lot of qualifiers.

***
21:46 25 Apr

     "The cover's kind of expensive," Jill mentioned as we made our way
inside.
     "I noticed," Julia said loudly.  At least, it would have been
loudly if it hadn't been in here.
     At least this time, I'd snagged my earplugs out of my coat pocket.
I might walk out of here with some nerves left.

***
22:06 25 Apr

     Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and when I turned around, it was
Jack.  Of course.  And the rest of the band, but he was the one that
tapped me on the shoulder.
     "Hey, whatsup?" he yelled at me.  "Where's the rest of the babes?"
     Maddog grabbed my hand and shook it side to side and yelled,
louder, "Babes!  You didn't bring enough babes to go around!"  Jack
yanked him off me and pointed him elsewhere.  That slowed him down long
enough that Jack oozed next to me.
     "You doing okay?  Haven't heard from you in a while, how've you
been?"
     I looked at him for a long time.  "You really want to know?"

***
22:09 25 Apr

     The other girls were off dancing with the rest of the band, and
Jack had miraculously found a spot which was merely loud.  I'd waved Kim
off, and she'd finally left.
     "So?" he asked.
     I sighed.  "So..."

***
22:31 25 Apr

     "Shit," Jack commented.  I nodded.  "Sounds rough."
     "Yeah."
     Pause.
     "I see you're still doing it, though," he pointed out.  Like I had
missed that little detail.
     "That's because..."  I thought better of the explanation.  "That's
a long story, but it's sort of a coincidence.  Besides, I think I'm
safer like this."
     His eyebrows went about three different directions.  "Safer?" he
asked, like he didn't believe me at all.

***
22:48 25 Apr

     I was bored with talking about it, so I asked, "Hey, wanna dance?"
     He gave me a look.  "Do you?"
     "Would I have asked if I didn't want to?"  He shrugged, and
unleaned himself from the wall, and proffered his arm to me.

***
22:56 25 Apr

     I was glad I wasn't prone to epilepsy, as they had the strobes on
full stun and going in time with the beat.
     Jack danced like I remembered, and Jill and Maddog were really
going at it, and there were a few other girls hanging around, and I saw
Kim on the edge of the floor holding a drink and smiling and sweating.
She saw me looking at her, and raised her drink in a salute, and gave me
this big grin which told me that she was having fun even if she wasn't
dancing.  Maybe Tony had something to do with it; he was right next to
her.
     I slowly danced back around to where I could see the rest of the
girls, and I was watching Jill and Maddog because they were really
getting down, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.  I whipped around,
and- it was Debbie.  And Lisa.
     "DEB!" I screamed, and gave her a hug.
     "having fun yet," she yelled back faintly.  I nodded.  Lisa gave me
a hug when Debbie let go.

***
23:18 25 Apr

     "I dunno, it just seemed like a good idea at the time."  I
shrugged.
     "So, what was this group like?" Debbie asked.
     I looked at Jill, who looked at Kim, who looked at Julia, who
looked desperately at me.  So I looked back at Julia, and made painting
motions on my face.  She took a big breath, and let it out slowly.  And
nodded.
     "What?" Debbie complained.

***
23:21 25 Apr

     Debbie was almost rolling on the floor, which didn't please Julia
at all.  She'd come up for air, and then look at me, and point, and fall
back down.  I wasn't real pleased myself, come to think of it.

***
23:23 25 Apr

     "I just, I mean, I never thought h-she would find a, a market like
that," Debbie gasped to Julia, wiping her eyes carefully.
     "You're not going to tell anyone else, are you?" Julia asked sadly,
like she was already anticipating having to move out of the state.
     Debbie shook her head.  "No, I don't think so... oh, my God, it's
just too weird..."
     She might have said something else, but Maddog had had enough, or
he hadn't had his distemper shots or something, because he reached right
in the middle of us, howled "MORE WOMEN MORE DANCE!" and yanked Debbie
on her feet and almost carried her off.  She did something to him to
make him put her down, though.

***
23:27 25 Apr

     Julia tapped me on the shoulder, and I danced around to look at
her.  She pointed sideways, and I looked and saw Debbie and Jack dancing
a bit close.  I wondered if I should say something, but before I figured
it out, Debbie caught me looking at her and pointed to Jack, whereupon I
nodded.  She just rolled her eyes at me, then looped a finger around her
ear and pointed back at him.  Jack grabbed her finger and turned it into
a twirl.  I gave up, and turned back to Julia and shrugged.

***
23:41 25 Apr

     "Food?" Tony asked.
     Everyone nodded, and so we got up and got out.  I was looking
forward to only paying fountain prices for cokes.  You'd think these
would have some real cocaine in them here, with what they were charging.

***
23:44 25 Apr

     "So how did the catering thing go?" I asked Debbie.
     "Oh, God, I hate those things," she mentioned.  And sighed.  "I
guess it went okay."
     "At least nobody threw up this time," Lisa mentioned, and Debbie
rolled her eyes.  "No drink-til-you-puke-r's this time," she said to the
rest of us.  I wasn't about to say anything about the quality of her
cooking, but the thought was coming to the front of my brain.

***
23:48 25 Apr

     "Can I have a kiss?" Debbie asked me.
     "Well, sure!"  Stupid question, in my book.  I leaned over the
seats and kissed her.
     The horn behind us scared me to death, but Debbie just snorted.
"It's Kim, behind us," she told me.  So I reached over and kissed her
some more, until the light changed.
     "You two are insane," Lisa mentioned from the shotgun seat.

***
23:56 25 Apr

     "So," Jack said as he slid in next to Debbie. "How's it going?"

***
00:55 26 Apr

     "'Night, sweetie.  Call me tomorrow?"
     "I will."  We smiled at each other.  "Can I have a kiss?"
     She answered by giving me one.  A long one.

***
00:59 26 Apr

     Brian wrinkled his nose.  "Phew, you smell like makeup!"
     I almost had a fit, before I realized a better reason to smell like
makeup than the one I had thought of first.  "Comes from kissing 'em,
dork.  But you wouldn't know about that, would you?"
     "Shut up, jerk!"
     "Well, little boy, you'll grow up-"  He threw a pillow at me.

***
09:02 26 Apr

     The phone flashed, so I picked up the wimp phone.  "'Lo?"
     "Hi, sweetie," Debbie said.  "Sleep well?"
     "Pretty much."  Relatively speaking.  I was beginning to suspect
that I slept better with her around.  "Whatsup?"
     She sighed.  "I gotta do some makeup stuff this weekend."  She
laughed, a very little bit.  "Can you live without me until this
evening?"
     "I think so, if I have to.  I was gonna get some homework done, and
practice and stuff, I guess.  And chores, of course."  I was almost
scared to mention therapy to her.

***
10:32 26 Apr

     Back at the therapist's office.  I hated this.  I mean, Sheila was
okay, I guess, in this sort of wake-up-and-smell-the-smog sort of way,
like you wanted to shake her sometimes, but she was okay.  I just hated
being in a therapist's office.  It was so... trendoid.
     And sort of like being naked in front of your worst enemy.

***
14:22 26 Apr

     The phone flashed, so I grabbed the pickle and flicked it on.
"'Lo?"
     "Whatsup?" Mike asked.

***
16:45 26 Apr

     I was trying to figure out just some of the uses for a thousand
foot roll of wire, when this girl bumped into me.  "Oh, sor-" we both
said at the same time.  The hair went up on my arms.  She smiled at me.
I had to fight the urge not to scream.

***
08:37 27 Apr

     "'Lo?"
     "Hey, want breakfast?" Kim asked.

***
10:19 27 Apr

     Debbie looked at me, and I looked back at her.  Finally, I
admitted, "Look, it's a tradition, sort of.  It wouldn't feel the same
if we went someplace else.  At least, last week..."
     "You could wear something, else, you know, I'm just pointing this
out," she pointed out.
     "That's a bad idea, Deb.  What if someone noticed that I wasn't
quite the same as I was last weekend?  Then they start talking, and
then..."
     "What kind of place is this?" asked Lisa, like she was pretty sure
but wanted someone to admit it out loud.

***
10:36 27 Apr

     "So what have you two been doing all weekend?" I asked Lisa.
     Lisa looked at Debbie.  Debbie looked at her breakfast, and got
just pink enough to tell.
     Oh ho.
     Finally, Lisa looked up and said, "Oh, you know, just spending some
time hanging around.  It's been a while.  Things have been busy lately."
Debbie glared at her, and Lisa added, "And, you know, it's been a while
since I saw everyone, so..."
     Nobody disputed that, but I wondered who else knew what was going
on between the two of them.  I figured, though, that asking would be a
bad idea.  At least asking at the table.

***
10:44 27 Apr

     "You're gonna do it?" Lisa gaped.
     "It sounded like a good idea at the time," Jill mentioned
defensively.  "Lotta money."
     "What?  You too?"  Jill nodded, and so did Kim.  "THREE of you?"
     Me and Kim and Jill nodded.  Lisa just looked stunned.
     Jill added, "Kim said we could cheat off her."  Kim smacked her in
the head, and Jill laughed.
     "Just the idea of homework in that class scares me," I mentioned,
and that cracked everyone up.

***
12:04 27 Apr

     "Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm okay?!" I yelled.
     Everyone was silent for a minute.  Then Lisa replied, really
calmly, "Because you ran off and said you were considering suicide,
Val."
     "That's not good for you," Jill put in.
     After a minute, where I tried to digest this, Debbie said, "So, we
worry about you, Tuck.  You're our friend, and we want to help you
through all this.  Us, we've," she waved her hands around at the other
girls, "we've survived a lot.  Really bad things.  We've all thought
about it sometimes, but we're still alive, because, because..."  She
faltered then.
     Kim picked it up, which surprised me.  "We're still alive because
we choose to be, and because we have each other to help out.  Nobody 'r
nothing's gonna kill one of us without a fight, Tuck."
     I looked at them, and they all looked like they meant it.  I kicked
the grass a little.  "I, I just don't know what to do..."
     Lisa shrugged.  "We might not either, but we can help you out with
it, and we're not gonna hurt you just because you're weird or you've got
problems.  Whatever they are."
     Jill took my hand, and Debbie took the other one, and we formed a
circle, and just stood there for a long time.

***
13:56 27 Apr

     Mike's eyebrows went up when he saw both Debbie and Lisa walk in
behind us.

***
18:04 27 Apr

     "Tuck?"  I kept stuffing books into my pack as I nodded at Mike.
"You still okay?"
     I looked up at him, and his face looked as calm as it usually did,
staring at me like he could wait forever for an answer.  And take
whatever answer it was.
     "Yeah," I told him, surprising myself.  But it was true.  "Yeah,
Mike, I'm lots better."  He stuck out his hand, and we slapped and
gripped like we used to do.

***


"Oooh!  A hammer!  And he has my nuts, too!" - gaming party member


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"Tallyho!"      \   /     @>--,--'--  ehayes@nym.alias.net  + vicki .sig
Ellen Hayes --=(*)=(*)=-- Renaissance Woman    ==[--------  + virus 9.1a
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