   "So Ray, it's (ahem), real simple.  You know that chime that a
Mac has when it starts up?  What I need is a chord like that, but
distinct, it's own sound, not the Mac chime.  Like one of those
meditation chimes you get at the New-Age stores.  But thicker,
more complex.  Way more complex.  And unique.  And warm friendly
sensual, like something that you would hear on Oprah, or the
Oxygen Channel.  A bit more sexual than Lifetime.  A bit too sexy
for Hallmark.  Lots of complex overtones, or something like that.
Five, maybe ten seconds.  Lots of tail.  Enough tail for it to
die out to silence, but no obvious reverb.  You're the master."

   "Yeah,can do.  You know my rate covers the first ten minutes
of music."

   "And if the chord is like I want, I won't need the other nine
minutes and whatever seconds."

   "AIFF, WAV, or MP3?"

   "Any high-res format.  Uncompressed.  I'm going to start with
a DVD, but I'll probably end up making MP3's, so the higher
quality and less compression you give me, the less shitty it will
sound at 320 or 240 or wherever I decide to deliver.  I'll need
the right to use in multiple compositions, but as a work for
hire, I shouldn't have any problems. Right?"

   "You actually understand copyright law.  Now if my rights
lawyer were as smart as you and understood all about computers,
I'd be a happy man."

   "So I'll e-mail you an agreement, and we'll do the fax thing,
and you'll ship me a file."

   "That's the way it works."

   Ray was an old high school buddy who reappeared as a big-time
music-for-TV composer.  Music beds for comedy series, lots of
commercials. And, as I found on his web site, general
composer-for-hire.  I hired.

   ----------------------------------------------------------

   <Chime>

"My check cleared?"

"Oh, I made sure of that before I dug out my keyboard.  Remember
when you fixed that keyboard for me back in high school?"

"I was clueless at the time."

"Yeah, this one took that same horrible lot of rearranging all of
the elements to get it to come out right.  I should have charged
you for an hour.  A Christmas comedy special with original music
would have been easier.  But if you're happy, I'm happy.  Let me
know what the title is when it comes out."

"I'll send you some copies.  Add 'em to your demo reel."

"Let me know the next time you need some more music. But for you,
the minimums just went up."

"C'est la vie."

-----------------------------------------------------------

<chime>

"Welcome to the Palo Alto Method for Richer and More Fulfilling
Orgasms.  Please ensure that you are seated in a safe,
comfortable place before playing this DVD.  We suggest that you
not be driving a car, not be operating machinery, and not be in a
public place while listening to this lesson.  The Palo Alto
Method works to develop your inner focus on deeply personal
sensations, which is counter to what is needed for public
activities.

<chime>

"And now that you are in a safe, comfortable, place, you could
relax, and let the sounds of this method drift through your
consciousness.  Like white puffy clouds in a blue sky, let the
words float by, and you might notice if they could mean something
to you.  When you were little, skies were blue, the sun was
yellow, and clouds were white, and as you became older, you
developed a deeper consciousness of colors, so that azure became
distinguished from royal blue, daffodil became distinguished from
mustard, and eggshell became distinguished from iceberg.  And
this is as it should be, for as you gain more experience, you are
capable of distinguishing finer and finer shades. And in this
program you will recognize the depth of your experience, and you
will distinguish finer and finer shades of sensation.  And this
is as it could be, that you are capable of distinguishing finer
and finer shades of sensation, and of linking sensations
together, and linking sensations with your orgasm.

<chime>

"And now relax, and savor the sensation of relaxing into a warm
scented bubble bath.  And the water is exactly the right amount
of warm, just warm enough so that it relaxes every muscle of your
body. And the water is warm, and laps against your body.  And
notice the sensation of the warm water, and the sensation of your
body in the water. And notice that there is exactly enough water
to relax and support you, and notice that every muscle of your
body relaxes as you sink into the warm water.  And you let every
muscle of your body relax as you sink into the warm water. Notice
how your neck relaxes, and your chest.  Notice that your belly
relaxes and your thighs and your legs and your calves, all the
way down to your ankles and your feet and the tips of your toes
all relax. And notice that your arms and hands and your fingers
all relax, all the way out to your fingertips.  And notice the
sensation of your muscles relaxing as you sink into the warm
water.  And notice the scent of the water, just the right scent
to relax you, and just the right scent to clear your head of all
thoughts, and the faint cloud of scent clears your breath, and
you breathe deeply, clearing the air from your lungs, and drawing
clean warm scented air into your lungs.  And notice that your
head is clear of all of your thoughts.  And you take another
breath of the warm scented air, and draw clean warm scented air
into your lungs.  Any you notice the sensations of drawing a
breath of the warm air, and notice what you feel in your chest,
and on your skin.  And the bubbles are warm against your skin,
easing the transition from the warm water to the comfortable air.
 And you notice the feel of the bubbles on your skin.

<chime>

"So now think back ands recall an orgasm, and recall the
sensations in your body.  Recall the sensations in your body, and
notice that many of them are located in a specific part of your
body. And now that you can distinguish many different parts of
your body, notice how the sensations were located in different
parts of your body.  And now that you are capable of
distinguishing body sensations from each other, and notice that
there were sensations in your face, and sensations in your
breasts, and sensations in your genitals.  And examine closely,
and you will see that each of these sensations was an aggregate
of many specific sensations, and that all of these sensations
together were linked to your orgasm.

<chime>

"And now notice the chime, and recognize that you could link this
chime to the sensations, and that this chime could serve as a
reminder of this session."

-------------------------------------------------------

discussion forums > women's issues sfo: An afternoon discussion
group on sex-related topics.  Thursday's Topic: the 'Palo Alto
Method' DVD.  Call for directions. 650-555-1212.

-------------------------------------------------------

"So ladies, that's the infamous DVD. Any discussion?"

"Uh, wow!"

"Too much!"

"I bought it a while back and used it and found that the sessions
do work.  My husband tried it, and complained that all it did was
make him cum in his pants.  So what George did was put the chime
on a Shuffle that we keep in the nightstand.  When he's ready to
cum, he hits play, and we both go off on the chime.  He falls
asleep holding me, and it's the best twenty-five bucks that I
could have spent on sex therapy. One of these days I'll try it
without the chime and see what happens, but I enjoy the crutch."

"Where's it come from?"

"There's a URL on the disk."

----------------------------------------------------------

<WonderWoman> you would not believe the dvd I picked up
<DesperateHswf> tell me 
<WonderWoman> better orgasms through trance 
<DesperateHswf> rotflol like really 
<WonderWoman> really. george is still a minuteman, but i'm 
<WonderWoman> having a much better time 
<DesperateHswf> so it really works? 
<WonderWoman> i'm happy.  Also works with pink rodney 
<DesperateHswf> batteries included? 
<WonderWoman> batteries dont come with a dvd.
<DesperateHswf> cute.  url? 
<WonderWoman> even mp3 followups for your ipod.  http://www ...

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, George, whatcha got?"

"MP3 files."

"Whuffo?"

"Ah, you haven't been reading the maintenance bulletins."

"Wha?"

"Seems there's a directive to replace the -A annuciator boards on
all the Airbuses with -C."

"And that means?"

"Should be reading the maintenance manuals, old sod. The -A board
goes back to the A-320 and uses a 555 to sound a chime when the
'seatbelt' light goes off or on. The -C board has an EPROM that
stores two MP3 files - one gets played when the seatbelt light
goes off, the other gets played when the seatbelt light goes on.
And the marketing folks want customized announcements for each."

"So what marketing wants, marketing gets."

"Post haste.  And the kicker is that 4653, which is the new
equipment on flight 019 heading towards us as we speak has
-A's."

"So we end up swapping in the -C when we turn the plane
around."

"Along with whatever broke on the flight over.  But it
gets better.  Attachments two and three to the maintenance
bulletin are the MP3 files they want loaded.  Download to PC,
serial line to -C."

"And you're gonna do it with your damn Apple."

"It works, and there's no requirement for type-approved download
equipment for non-critical parts."

"OK, Mr.  Computer Genius, what's the scam of the century?"

"You caught me.  The files start with a synthesized chime.  So I
copped the chime off my wife's orgasm DVD, and I spliced it in to
replace the chime they sent me.  We load up the board, test it
out, and swap 'er in. No fuss, no muss."

"And if we get caught?"

"It's non-critical. It's not flight control.  And there are
jokers out in Heathrow who make me look like Mr. 
Straight-And-Narrow."

"You're the expert, you got sent to school there."

"Just finishing school.  If I'd have been able to take their full
maintenance course, I'd move over there in a heartbeat.  American
mechanic in King Arthur's Court.  I'd be on top of the world."

"You never told me about this.  It's your ass."

-----------------------------------------------------------

<chime>

"The Captain has turned ..."

"Oooooooh. Ooooooooooooh.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh.  God, I'm wet. Damn.  Where's 
the damn call button?  Uh, Miss, ...."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Jennie, did you notice?"

"What?"

"Four women in Premium and according to Susie, one in First
Class, had 'accidents.'"

"So, think of it.  When was the last time you had an 'accident?'"

"I was fourteen, in Upper Form."

"Exactly.  You learned how to manage.  We all do.  And five women
had 'accidents' when the seat belt light went off.  Something is
funny with the seat belt light."

"Yeah, right.  Like the light going off causes major orgasms."

"Hey, if it could, I'd pray for turbulence."

"God, you're weird."

---------------------------------------------------------

Item 010.  Gold cloisonne lapel pin.  Black "PA" outlined in
gold, superimposed on a gold lotus.  Background color is cream.
The "Palo Alto Method" logo as a lapel pin, a discreet way to let
other practitioners know that you are available to provide
assistance. $25.00.

---------------------------------------------------------

Notes from the Personal Traveler:

Flight 020 from San Francisco to London (and the return, flight
019) is now known in certain circles as the "Orgasm Express."
While the airline continues to maintain its policy of discretion
regarding the Mile-High Club, intrepid travelers appear to be
enjoying moments of solo ecstasy, cued by the airline.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Can you wear that in your lapel?"

"Yes. 'Personal jewelry allowed.' This way I can hand out
supplies before 'accidents' happen."

"If you say so."

"Uh, Miss, I saw your pin and would it be too much trouble ..."

"Not at all.  This is that flight." 
