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Tuck It Easy -*- Copyright 2001 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Tuck It Easy


***
06:00 8 Jul

     When the alarm went off, I rolled over and slapped it into silence,
and rolled back before I smelled Susan.  I opened my eyes, and she was
lying in bed with me, with an arm holding her head up as she watched me.
     "What?" I asked suspiciously, after nothing happened.
     "I just wonder about you sometimes," she said, in a neutral voice.

***
06:50 8 Jul

     I was going to wear something nice, because Travis was going to
come over about the time I usually got off work and we would go do
something.  Then I remembered what I would be doing all day, and decided
to bring something nice I could change into in ten minutes, and wear
something more practical for the rest of the day.
     So, it was a pair of short-alls and a T shirt for me now, and a
sundress and sandals and so on for later, plus an overshirt in case it
got cool or rained.  Rain was a definite possibility today.

***
08:20 8 Jul

     "Well... maybe... how about a park?" I suggested to the three of
them.  I was in the mood for something different myself, anyway.
     "Oh cool!" two of them said, and the third one nodded.

***
09:02 8 Jul

     And they got to run around like lunatics while I watched the baby
and our stuff.  I sighed.  This babysitting stuff sucked sometimes.

***
11:31 8 Jul

     Stella and I were laying down on my wool army blanket in the shade
of a large tree.  I was reading, while Stella lay against me and
'played' with a teething ring and most of her body parts in strange
ways.  She had been crawling like she was in a hands-and-knees marathon,
but had finally tired.  Which was good, because I was tired of catching
her hand before she could eat something that wasn't in her diet.  Like
dirt.  Or leaves. Or rocks.  Or a stick.  Or a bug.  Or a bottlecap.  Or
Ghu only knew what.
     I could understand why kids took naps all the time; I just didn't
understand why parents weren't allowed to nap at the same time.
     "Br-br-br-br-b-b-b-b-fuuuuh," she said, and I looked up, but she
was more interested in putting her fist in her mouth.  I sighed, and I
would have worried, except I decided that if she did swallow it, that I
could pull it back out.

***
12:14 8 Jul

     "Can we go to McDonalds?" Ricky asked.
     I sighed.  I started to say, "Guys, I'd rather-" but I was drowned
out by a chorus of groans and wails.  Which set Stella off, which meant
they weren't going anywhere pleasant until she calmed down.  Although,
with the clouds thickening like it looked like they were, I'd almost be
willing to go to McDonalds soon, just to stay out of the coming rain.

***
12:32 8 Jul

     "Then you guys have to be nice to me for the rest of the day," I
told them.
     "Like, what does that mean?" Ricky asked.
     "You stop arguing, you don't whine when I ask you to do something,
that kind of thing."
     "But we do that nowwwwww!" Davy whined.
     "Then it shouldn't be that hard, should it?" I snapped at him.

***
17:46 8 Jul

     I sighed as Travis pulled up in front of the house.  Well, his
truck.  Ka---THOOM went my heart.  "Could I change in the downstairs
bathroom?" I asked Miz Parker, trying not to gasp.
     "Well, sure," she said.  "Going somewhere tonight?"
     "Yeah... Travis said he wanted to go out to dinner, so..."  I took
my bag into the bathroom and shut and locked the door.  I wanted to bang
my head for a while, but it would be too audible in here.

***
17:50 8 Jul

     I hadn't had time to take a shower, but I did have time to freshen
my makeup, and change clothes of course.  At least the rain had stopped
outside.  I hoped that would be good enough, as I opened the door to the
bathroom and-
     "Oh!"  There he was, talking to Miz Parker; I'd almost run
full-tilt into both of them.
     "Hey," Travis rumbled, and Miz Parker smiled at me and complimented
me on how nice I looked, which Travis did also a moment later.
     "Um, thanks," I managed to mumble out, not sure which of them to
look at.
     "Ready?" Travis asked, and I nodded emphatically.
     "Where you going?" asked Ricky, who was staring at me.  Naturally,
I didn't want to deal with any more problems, so he wandered up and gave
me a few.  "Someplace nice?  How come you wouldn't take us someplace
nice?"
     "What?  You wanted McDonalds!" I snapped at Ricky.
     "Well, you coulda suggested something else!" he snapped back at me.
Then he started running, because I was chasing him.  I stopped when he
had disappeared, and I started walking back to the adults.  When I heard
pseudo-stealthy small sneakers approaching again, I rapidly stomped my
feet several times, and they ran off again.

***
17:51 8 Jul

     "Hi," I said, glad to be away from most of the eyes that had been
on me.  The two hardest ones, of course, were standing about a foot
above me.  And looking at me.
     "Hi," Travis grinned at me.  "How was your day?"
     "I hate children," I smiled back.  "How was yours?"
     "I hate everyone," he said back.
     We laughed.
     "So where did you want to go eat?" he asked.
     "Oh, I dunno, anyw- something light," I remembered.
     "Are you on a diet again?"
     "No!  I am just, like, still full from this weekend!"
     "Tell me more about this, I want to hear it again," Travis said.

***
18:13 8 Jul

     "So are you hungry?" he asked me.  "'Cause I am."
     "Oh!  Um, sure, yeah... where did you want to go?"  I looked at my
watch and I was astonished how late it was.  Well, it wasn't that late,
but I didn't think we'd been standing out talking for twenty minutes.
     He was mumbling, and when I looked up, he looked sort of sheepish.
"Promise you won't laugh?" he asked me.
     "No," I said with certainty.  "Tell me anyway."  He blinked several
times at that.  "Come on, tell me," I asked.
     "Uh- well, remember I never had Chinese food until that night you
took me out?"
     I chuckled as I remembered that night.  "Yeah, I do."
     Eventually, he admitted, "Well, I sort of wanted to try it again,
but none of my friends would go, so I was wondering if maybe you would
go with me, and tell me what everything is?"
     "Sure!"

***
18:49 8 Jul

     It had been hard to get there, in the traffic, but at least the
restaurant itself wasn't that crowded.  And Travis had been driving his
Suburban, which meant it wasn't me that was all freaked from the
assassination attempts.  "Two, please?"
     "Right tis way," the hostess said in Chinese-restaurant-English,
which was sort of a pidgin.

***
19:28 8 Jul

     "What are you looking at?" Travis asked.
     I'd been looking at him.  "Oh, nothing... something on the
wallpaper," I lied.  He smiled at me.

***
20:17 8 Jul

     "I think I'm starting to like this," he smiled at me.
     "Good," I said sincerely.
     We got to the register, and Travis pulled out his wallet.  "My
treat," he insisted.  I thought about arguing, then decided against it
since he'd already given them money.
     Instead, when we walked outside, I waited for him to let go of the
door, and then I kissed him.  On the lips.  He looked surprised.  "Thank
you for dinner," I told him, smiling.
     "You didn't have to do that," he told me.  He wasn't smiling.
     "But, I wanted to?" I said, letting go of him and wondering how I'd
done wrong this time.
     "You did?" he asked.
     "Yes!  I mean, you didn't make me or anything," I reminded him.
"Is it okay, I mean, I assumed you wanted to kiss me or wouldn't mind if
I kissed you, or-"
     "No, I don't mind," he admitted.  "I just thought..."
     He thought silently.
     I couldn't stand it eventually so I asked, "What did you think?"
     He shook his head.  "I dunno, I'm not sure what I was thinking," he
elaborated.  "But, I mean, you don't owe me anything for dinner."
     "Except another dinner later," I teased him.
     "No," he said seriously, like he didn't understand I was teasing
him.  "I mean, it was just dinner, okay?  No strings."
     "Okay," I allowed gently.
     We stood there for a while.
     "Think about it, Tuck," said Mike's voice, and I almost looked
around for him.
     Travis was still looking at me, a little confused and wary.
Another kiss would...
     Mike was right, I had to think about this.
     "Travis?"
     "Yeah?"
     "Could we take a walk, for a while?  I... I want to think about
some stuff."
     "Sure," he said, and stuck out his arm.

***
20:27 8 Jul

     I'd taken his arm, so to speak, for a while, but it was too
distracting, so I pulled my arm out of his (so to speak) and we walked
around in silence.
     And I'd thought.
     Travis was a nice guy, and I sort of liked him as a friend.  He
understood a lot of things I said, and I understood most of what he
said, so it was like we were speaking the same flavor of English, which
was kind of rare.
     On the other hand, of course, I was friends with several guys, and
kissing them hadn't really been in the decision tree.
     Why Travis?
     Well...
     I didn't want to think about it too much, but I had to; being with
Travis had become a sexual turn-on like Debbie had never been.  Just
TOUCHING him sent some kind of signal through my body.  Kissing him was
an instant out-of-body experience.
     I shivered, thinking about it.  This was why I couldn't think and
link arms with him at the same time.  I wasn't too good at thinking
around him anyway, but at least if he was right next to me, like he was,
I couldn't pretend like nothing had happened.
     It hadn't been like this before.  I don't know what changed, but
something had... maybe it was Debbie, flushing me and our relationship
down the toilet back in L.A., maybe it was something else.  I mean,
kissing him had been nice, once I got over the fear of him kissing me...
which I didn't understand, now.  What had I been afraid of?
     Maybe this.  Maybe I had been afraid I'd like it.  I dunno.
     But, anything dealing with him had gotten a lot more potent than it
had been in the past.
     So what did that make me?
     I still wasn't sure.
     Debbie had hurt me, a lot, and girls previously - so long ago -
hadn't been that interested in me either.  For anything.  Now, I had a
bunch of girl friends of one sort of another, and even my own sister had
transformed from a demonically-possessed psychopath into something that
was almost a human being.  I didn't even know if I still found girls
interesting in the usual boy-girl way; I had more of them around me than
I could handle, sometimes, and they didn't feel it necessary or even
desirable to limit it down by claiming me.  I did like girls, I was sure
of that... I just wasn't quite sure what I liked them AS.
     And Travis fell into an entirely different category.
     I glanced at Travis, and he was concerned, I could tell by his
expression, but he wasn't looking impatient or bored or anything.  He
was still acting like he wanted to be with me, in fact.  Like he was
concerned that I was thinking this hard, and he wanted to be with me
until I finished.  Like... like he cared.
     And knowing that, was an immense... turn on, I'd almost say, except
it wasn't, just by itself.  But...
     I wanted it.  I wanted to be liked.  I wanted someone to be
interested in me.  I wanted someone to listen to me, and talk to me, and
not just want me to fix their computers or loan them money or something.
I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me, who wasn't ashamed
of me.
     I wanted HIM.
     Travis, when I glanced at him again, didn't look like he was
worried about being seen walking with me.  He had his hands in the
pockets of his jeans, and he was looking thoughtful himself, but he
wasn't looking around like he was worrying about someone he knew seeing
him.
     And he looked SO-
     I looked down at my feet again and waited for my heart to slow down
and my arousal to fade somewhat.  This was insane, crazy...  *Maybe,* I
realized in this sort of dawn-analogue, *maybe this is what all the
songs meant.*  Now I could sort of understand the crazy shit I'd heard
about, things people do when they were in love or whatever.
     Which kept bringing me back to a rather important problem; what the
hell was I going to do about this?  He still had the physical capacity
to crush me like a soda can; I didn't especially want to scare him with
any strange revelations about my biology.
     On the other hand, it had worked this long...
     *And this is the sort of stupid thing they would make songs about,*
I realized, *except this is too stupid even for the Spice Girls.*
     The faint strains of 'Walking on the Moon' floated towards us, I
guess from a stereo shop or a Radio Shack or something.  I looked up at
Travis, and I guess I couldn't keep from smiling, because he smiled
back.
     "I may as well play," I sang along, and spun on one foot, then
hopped and danced away.  Because I'd figured out at least half of the
'core question', that Rachel had said.  I did want to kiss him again,
again and again and again...

***
20:37 8 Jul

     I put my arm through his again, watching his face for reactions.
He looked surprised when I touched him, but when his eyes rose up and
met mine, he smiled at me, and asked 'Okay?' with his eyebrows.
     I nodded, because it was okay.
     "Want to go back to the truck?" he asked out loud.
     I nodded again.  I'd walked off what I needed to.
     Unfortunately, as we strolled along the stores in the strip mall,
it started to rain, and long before we made it anywhere near his truck,
it was pouring.
     "Val, stay here, 'kay?" he told me, and like he'd done before, he
dashed out into the storm and disappeared before I could argue with him.
     "Trav-" I called after him, way too late.  "Damnit!"

***
20:56 8 Jul

     As if it wasn't bad enough that he was soaking wet and I was dry as
a bone, he even walked over with an umbrella for me.  "Travis!" I
complained.  "You don't-"
     "I wanted to," he said as he stepped up the curb and next to me.
     Since that was the exact thing I'd told him when I kissed him
earlier, and furthermore he was Looking at me again, I couldn't say
anything.
     "Valerie?" he said, interrupting my intense study of my shoes,
which were also still dry.
     I looked up, and he was still Looking at me.
     "Stop it," I murmured, unable to keep from smiling as I looked away
again.

***
20:58 8 Jul

     By the time he slammed his door shut, I had already dug out the
towel from my own pack.  "C'mere," I told him as I leaned out of my seat
and started to rub his hair.
     "Val-  What-"
     "You're soaking wet," I told him, which I really shouldn't have had
to mention, "and you need to dry off."
     "Val," he said, grabbing my hands and pulling them and the towel
down.  "It's okay."
     "Travis," I said back, "you are completely WET."
     "I noticed!" he said, which I'd wondered.
     "So you need-"
     "I've been wet before, Val," he rumbled.  "I won't melt or mildew."
     "Sorry," I said, putting myself back in my seat.  "I just..."
     "Valerie," he said slowly.  I glanced up at him, and he was shaking
his head and smiling at the same time.  "It doesn't bother me..."
     "Well, I just..."  I had no idea what I was thinking, so I stopped
and looked away.  "Sorry," I apologized.
     "I could change into something dry," he said, "but these are the
only clothes I brought, and we'd have to go home if I wanted to change."
     "W-"  I started, then I had to think about it.  Then I decided he
wouldn't do anything at home that he hadn't done in the back of his
truck already, and started again, "Well, that's okay."
     "My home?" he said, like I hadn't figured he was talking about HIS.
     "You'd hardly fit into my little brother's stuff," I told him.  Or
Dad's, come to think of it.  "So where's your place?"

***
21:19 8 Jul

     "Do you have to work tomorrow?" Travis asked as he shut off the
engine of his truck.
     "Yeah, do you?"  He nodded.  "Sucks, doesn't it?"
     He laughed, before he got the umbrella and got out of the truck and
walked around to my side.
     I thought he'd take me in the back door of the nice place we'd
pulled into the driveway of, but instead Travis led me to the garage and
to an outside stairway I hadn't noticed.

***
21:20 8 Jul

     "This is all yours?" I asked.
     He shrugged.  "I used to have to share it with my brothers, but
they left for college, so it's mine now."
     "Wow..." I said, looking around.  It was small, I guess, but it had
a kitchen with a stove and a refrigerator, and I thought there was a
bathroom visible, and just the idea of not being in the same building as
my parents was enticing.
     "It's not that great," he lied, and then he asked, "Want something
to drink?  I've got, uh..." and he went into the kitchen.  I followed,
and it was small but adequate, and relatively clean too.  At least, the
dishes had been washed recently and it didn't smell of garbage.  He
opened the refrigerator door and continued, "Coke, diet Coke, and some
ginger ale.  Or I guess you could have milk or water-"
     "Ginger ale?" I asked, and he flinched as he turned around.
"Sorry, I-"
     "I didn't know you followed me," he said before he turned back and
pulled a can out of the door.
     "Sorry!" I told him as he stood up and turned.
     "It's okay," he stressed, "Valerie, really."  And he smiled at me.

***
21:23 8 Jul

     I was sipping at the ginger ale and looking around, but there
wasn't all that much to see.  Sort of like Brian's room, actually,
except this was cleaner.  Mine had been a lot like this, I guess, except
I always had more stuff than I had room for, and so I'd gone vertical a
long time ago.
     Travis had a small television, an older VCR, and a dinky stereo in
the front room, as well as a couple of couches and a coffee table, and
a 'computer hutch' against one wall, and that was about it in the way of
decorating.  He didn't even have any posters up.
     "Hey," Travis said as he came out of a smaller bedroom wearing dry
clothes and looking like he'd toweled his hair.
     "Hi," I said, which felt kind of stupid, but he smiled at me again.
"Feels better, huh?" I pressed.
     "Yeah," he admitted.
     Then he sat down on the same couch I was sitting on.
     He said something which I missed, replayed, and guessed was
something like 'What do you want to do now?'  I said, "I dunno?"  That
was actually not true.

***
22:08 8 Jul

     We were finally doing what I wanted to do, after spending some time
talking about houses and books and other things.
     Travis broke the kiss and asked, "Valerie?"
     "Mmmm?" I said, not opening my eyes yet.
     "What time do you have to go home?"
     I thought about it, and eventually said, "About ten thirty."
     "It's ten after now," he told me.
     "Okay," I said, and tried to kiss him.
     "Val, come on," he said as he held me away from him.  "I don't want
you to get into trouble."
     I opened my eyes and looked at him, and he looked serious.

***
22:20 8 Jul

     "Wanna do something this weekend?" I asked him as he held the
umbrella so I could get into my car.  I hoped Ricky wasn't watching from
one of the windows; he'd ask questions I didn't want to answer.
     "Yeah, I'll, uh, page you, or you can call me, but, like, before
eleven this time?"
     "I'm-" I started to say, but he laughed and patted me on the
shoulder.
     "It's okay, really, Val," he said.
     Since it was okay, really, I put my arms around his neck and pulled
him down for a last kiss.

***
22:21 8 Jul

     The problem with kissing him is that it made me dizzy after a very
short time.
     "Drive careful, okay?" Travis said, and I nodded mutely, and he
shut my door for me, and I guess he got back in his truck.  He certainly
didn't move until I started my car and drove off; he blinked his
headlights then.

***
23:09 8 Jul

     I sighed as I waited for Brian to get out of the bathroom.  It
would be SO nice to have a place of my own...  *Of course, he said he
shared it- I never knew he had any brothers,* I realized.  *Hmmm.*  I
wished we hadn't stopped kissing as soon as we did, but I sort of
realized that if it had been four hours later, I'd probably feel the
same way.  God, he made me feel good.

***
06:00 9 Jul

     The alarm's blaring startled me more than usual.  Part of that was
that I was still in last night's clothes.  *I guess I fell asleep,* I
realized.  *Did Brian EVER come out of the bathroom?*
     A quick check showed that he had at some point, so I went in and
shut the doors and proceeded to start my own morning.

***
07:54 9 Jul

     "Did you and Travis have fun last night?" Miz Parker asked as she
opened her blouse to feed Stella.
     I think I blushed, but I told her, "Yeah, we did.  Can you believe,
he never ate Chinese food until we went on a date?"
     "Really?" she smiled.

***
07:59 9 Jul

     "So you really like him?" Miz Parker asked.
     I went completely red at that, and I couldn't look at her or
anything, but I managed to nod eventually.
     "Well, he's a nice young man," she said, like she knew.  "I know
his mother, and she talks about him sometimes."
     "Really?  Like, what does she say?"

***
08:02 9 Jul

     "Mom!  I w-"  Ricky came running into the kitchen.  "Oh, Val," he
said, then he turned to his mother.  "Mom can you fix Jello today,
please?"
     "Jello?" we both asked at the same time.

***
12:09 9 Jul

     Which is why we had Jello along with sandwiches for lunch.
     Kids were weird, I had decided.  Even Stella, who was trying to eat
Jello but not doing so well.  She seemed to be having motor control
problems.  I was SO glad I'd thought about this before I let the kids
eat, because I'd made them eat outside, and all I'd need to do to clean
up was maybe hose the table off.

***
19:11 9 Jul

     The network blipped several times as a succession of packets made
their way through the deliberately twisted routing, and then ended up
sitting in my mail spool.  A quick glance said it was Dad reminding me I
had therapy this weekend, and requesting a return-mail when I'd read it.
Oh joy, joy.
     On the other hand, Mom would have had to physically talk to my face
to remind me; this was much easier.
     I sent him the traditional GIF of two rhinoceroses screwing by way
of acknowledgement.  There was etiquette to be followed, after all.

***
20:07 9 Jul

     I couldn't stand it any more, and Amy was out with Susan, so I
called Travis' house.
     It rang three times, and I was trying to think of what to say to
his answering machine when it picked up and said, "Hello?"
     "Uh, hi," I scrambled, "this is Valerie, it's eight in th-"
     "Valerie?" his voice asked.
     I guess it was really him and not Memorex.
     "Hi?"
     "Hey, how was your day?" he asked, like he cared how my day was.

***
22:12 9 Jul

     "Valerie?"
     "Uh huh?"
     "Don't you ever get tired?"
     "Huh?  Sometimes, wh-"  *Maybe he's tired,* I thought.  "Are you
tired?"
     "Yeah, kinda," he said.  "Don't you have to work tomorrow?"
     "Yeah, I work like weekdays, like you," I told him to show that I'd
been paying attention.
     "What time do you get up?"

***
22:23 9 Jul

     "Valerie?"
     This sounded familiar.  "Um..."  Oh, that was it.  "You're tired
and you want to go to bed?"
     He eventually admitted, "Yeah."
     "Okay.  Um..."
     "Want me to page you tomorrow?" he asked, after I couldn't think of
anything useful to say for a while.
     "Yeah, would you?"
     "Yeah, I will."
     We sat there, silent on the phone, and I TRIED to think of
something to say, but I couldn't.
     "Val?"
     "Yeah?"
     He chuckled.  "Maybe we should both go to bed?"
     "Yeah, okay... um, g'night?"
     "Goodnight," he said.
     I couldn't stand it any more after three seconds, so I slammed the
disconnect switch.  "Oh, Jesus... how can he always make me feel like a
moron?" I asked the ceiling.

***
06:00 10 Jul

     I hit the snooze button on the alarm clock and wished I could sleep
in today.  I was so tired.

***
06:09 10 Jul

     I hit the snooze button, then thought better of it and pushed
myself out of bed.  It hurt.

***
14:46 10 Jul

     "Can we come in and watch cartoons?" Gary asked me.
     "Well, yeah, sure, as long as you guys dry off... why wouldn't I
let you?"  He shrugged.

***
15:06 10 Jul

     They were watching stupid cartoons, so I was playing with Stella
instead.  It was kind of sad, actually; I preferred being with an infant
that couldn't talk, to the kids, sometimes.
     Stella reached out and grabbed my bra and tried to pull it off from
the front.  "What the-"  I managed to cut off the rest of the sentence,
but it hurt, and Stella was giggling as she pulled on my clothes.  "Let
GO you little slug," I told her, and pried her fingers loose.  She
grabbed on to my hands and pulled herself up on top of her legs.  And
she was standing upright.
     "Whoa!" I said, surprised.  That must've surprised her too, because
she let go and then plopped right back down on her butt.  The second
time she reached for my bra, though, I was ready, and I blocked her.

***
17:07 10 Jul

     My pager started buzzing, so I looked at it, and it was some number
I didn't recognize at all.
     I made sure the kids were in a reasonably stable arrangement, which
this time was watching television, versus, say, beating each other up,
and I went to go call it.
     "Hello?" said a voice.
     "Um... this is Valerie, someone paged me from this number?"  I
really REALLY hated making blind calls from pager data.
     "Wh- oh, yeah, hold on a minute."  Whoever it was put the phone
down, and I could hear some noise before someone picked it up again.
     "Valerie?" asked Travis.
     "Oh!  Hi!  What'sup?"
     "I just thought I'd call, see what was up with you."
     "Uhhh...  Still sitting, but I should get off in about half an hour
or so... wanna do something tonight?"
     "Uh, well, I gotta do some stuff at home tonight, sorry," he
apologized.
     "Oh.  Well, that's okay, I guess... Friday is still on, right?"
     "Oh yeah, yeah.  I just wanted to call you before I got caught up
in stuff.  I might not be able to talk tonight."
     "Oh, okay..."
     About the time I was getting desperate, Travis said, "Val?"
     "Yeah?"
     "Do you always have problems hanging up the phone?" he asked me.
     "What?  No!"  Dork.  "Um, I'll talk to you tomorrow, then, okay?"
     "G'night Val," he said.
     "Good night," I said, and I managed to hang up the phone.

***
17:09 10 Jul

     I looked up, and three small boy faces were staring at me.
     "Why," Gary finally asked, "are you sitting on the floor and
banging your head into the cabinet?"
     I opened my mouth to tell them, then I thought better of it, then I
couldn't think of what else to tell them.
     Finally, though, I said, "It's a girl thing.  You wouldn't get it."
     All three of them looked sour at that, which made me feel better.

***
20:20 10 Jul

     The phone flashed, so I stopped playing synth, checked Arrakis for
the cross-reference with the Caller ID - it was Sabrina's house -  and
flicked the hook switch on the pickle.  "Hello?"
     "Hey, Val?  It's Sabrina," which I'd already guessed.
     "Whatsup?"
     "Sleepover this weekend?"
     "Yeah.  I'll, uh, I'll try not to have a party instead, this time."
She chuckled.

***
21:17 10 Jul

     "OW!  Shitshitshitshitshit," I mumbled, dancing around the tub with
my eyes squeezed tightly shut.  I'd WANTED to shave my legs to make sure
I'd look nice for Travis, and so of COURSE I'd cut the bejeezus out of
myself.
     *This is revenge for all the times you laughed at Susan when it
happened to her,* I realized.  That didn't help either.

***
21:28 10 Jul

     Susan looked up at me, from where she was cleaning blood off my
leg.  "You know, this is like kar-"
     "I know I know!" I complained.  "Would you just get the blood off?
Please?"
     "Chill out, would you?" she bitched back.  Then she said in a more
normal tone, "Man, you did a job on yourself, didn't'cha?"
     I think I moaned as my insides fluttered between dimensions.

***
23:06 10 Jul

     I turned on the water and stepped into the shower, and it was only
then that I realized that there were thousands, MILLIONS of razor blades
in the bathtub and they were slicing my flesh into little strips even
as I looked down they were still cutting from my weight pushing against
the molecular blades-
     My feet disintegrated, the rainbow edges coming through the skin on
the top, and I lost my balance as my feet disappeared and I didn't WANT
to throw my hands out in front of me as I fell but I did anyway-

***
23:08 10 Jul

     Susan kept telling me it was alright, that it was just a bad dream,
but I had to keep touching my feet to make sure they were still there.
     "Susan?" asked Dad's voice from the hallway.
     "It's Tuck, he just had a nightmare," she answered quietly.
     After a while, he asked, "Tuck?  You okay?"
     I swallowed, and I tried to sound normal, but I didn't when I said,
"Uh huh."
     "It's okay, Dad," Susan said.  "He'll be okay in a bit."  I nodded
against her chest.

***
23:14 10 Jul

     "Susan?" I asked.
     Eventually, she mumbled, "Yeah?"
     "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," I told her.
     "S'easier to sleep if you're not having nightmares."
     "I'm SORRY, Susan, it's not like I have them on purp-"
     She put a finger over my mouth.  "Did I say it was your fault or
that you were doing it on purpose?  No," she answered herself.  "But it
is easier... and I feel guilty if you have them and I don't help."
     "Really?"
     "A little," she qualified.  "But it's not that big a deal.
Especially any more."
     "Why not?"
     She shrugged into the pillows.  "You're not the asshole you used to
be, I guess," she said smilingly.
     "Uh, thanks?"  Definitely a backhanded compliment if I'd ever heard
one.
     She chuckled, then stroked soft fingers across my forehead and said
softly, "Go to sleep, bro."
     I rolled over and snuggled backwards against her.  She draped an
arm over me, and that's how I went to sleep.

***
06:19 11 Jul

     "Tuck?" Susan asked as I came back in my room, scrubbing at my
now-clean wet hair with a towel.  She was sitting up in bed and staring
at me with sort of a glazed look.
     "What'sup?" I asked back.
     "Can I ask you a really personal question?"
     Uh oh.  "Um... yeah, but I might not answer it."
     She ignored that.  "Do you have morning erections?"
     "Do what?  Sometimes, I guess, if I'm aroused or something," I
answered, more puzzled.
     "No, I mean...  Most guys wake up with erections in the morning,
just because, whether they're aroused or not.  I wondered if you did."
     "No."
     She shrugged.  "Just wondered."
     "Why?"
     "'Cause of the way we woke up," she said casually, like she was
used to waking up with people's faces stuffed in her cleavage.  I sort
of wondered how I'd been able to breathe like that.

***
06:39 11 Jul

     I wondered what I should wear.

***
07:56 11 Jul

     I'd remembered in time that I still had to babysit, so I was
wearing something almost disposable to work, and I hoped I'd have enough
time to change before he got here.
     Which is why I didn't completely explode when Ricky ran through the
kitchen and slammed into me while I was carrying an open jar of
strawberry jam.  I should have known better, anyway, but I'd wanted to
make sure it was still good, since the expiration date on the lid was a
while ago.  I guess having the lid on wouldn't have done any good in the
end, though.
     It certainly wasn't any good now.

***
07:58 11 Jul

     "Val-!" came a strangled gasp from the doorway.  I looked over, and
it was Miz Parker, holding Stella and looking kind of strange.
     "Oh, hi," I said, then I pointed at the floor.  "I'll have it
cleaned up in a couple of minutes.  Don't come in yet, though, 'cause
I'm not sure I got all the glass up yet."
     I turned to get some cleaning stuff, but when Miz Parker asked,
"Valerie?" in a VERY strange sounding voice, I turned back around.
     "What?" I prompted.

***
07:59 11 Jul

     "Noooo, ma'am, if I'd been bleeding that much, I'd have been on the
floor.  I hate seeing my own blood," I told her honestly.

***
08:05 11 Jul

     I'd completely forgotten that I had a spare set of clothes in the
car from one of the times I went shopping with Ricky.  But I did, thank
goodness, and even better, Miz Parker said I should wash my stuff, so as
soon as it was done I could change back out of this nice dress and into
my 'fatigues' again.
     *Maybe,* I realized, *that's why they call 'em 'fatigues', because
you get so tired whenever you wear them, because of all the stuff you're
doing.*  That made as much sense as anything else.
     In any case, I wanted to get out of nice clothes around the boys
and Stella as quickly as I could, because I knew it was tempting Fate,
and I never liked her attention on me.

***
08:07 11 Jul

     "What are you making this morning?" Miz Parker asked.
     "Well, I was thinking waffles," I told her as I looked in her
pantry.  "And some sausage and eggs."  I looked back at her.  "Is that
okay?"
     "Oh, of course," she said, looking distracted.  Maybe Stella was
sucking too hard or something.
     I shrugged and went back to gathering ingredients.  She had some
whole-wheat flour, and I thought I could use that if I remembered how
the scratch recipe went.

***
08:08 11 Jul

     "Hello?" Dad said, with Duran Duran playing in the background.
     "Hey, Dad?"
     "What's wrong?"
     I sighed.  "Don't be such a pessimist.  Can you look something up
on the house files?"
     "What?"
     "Pancake mix from scratch," I told him.
     "You're fixing stuff like that for THEM, and _I_ don't get any?"
     "Dad!" I complained.  "If you want to get up at six like the rest
of us working stiffs, then I'd consider it.  Besides, THEY are paying
me for this, remember?"
     "Speaking of this next Sunday," he said, and I sighed.

***
08:10 11 Jul

     I hung up on Dad with relish.  "God what a d-"  Miz Parker was
still there, and smiling at me, so I cut myself off.  "Um."
     "Did you get the recipe?" she asked, which I don't believe is what
she was thinking.
     "Uh, um... he's gonna cut and paste it to the paging software,
actually," I told her, and went to get the pager out of my pack.
     After a couple of minutes, it buzzed, and the first half of the
instructions came through.  "See?" I said as I showed it to her.
     "Wow...  Valerie?" she asked.
     "Huh?"
     "Would you mind if I stayed for breakfast?"
     "Uh, no, that's okay... why would I mind?"  She shrugged.  "No,
it's cool...  Are you going to stay for lunch, too?"
     "Ummmmmmm," she wavered.  "What were you fixing?"
     I chuckled.  "What do you want?"

***
12:17 11 Jul

     We'd turned out a cross between enchiladas and stir-fry that tasted
delicious, and I was debating simply running off with Miz Parker,
Stella, and the food and letting the whiny brats starve, because they
were staring at their plates like the food was moving.
     "No, please, don't eat any of it," I told them when I could clear
my mouth.  "That's more for us.  You children can have sandwiches or
something."  Miz Parker glanced at me curiously.
     Gary and Ricky got into a whispered argument, while Davy cut some
off with his fork, sniffed at it, then put it into his mouth.
     "Nnnn!" he said, and the other two boys stopped and looked at him
as Davy went for a second bite, and a third, and a fourth...
     "Darnit," I sighed, and went back to eating mine.

***
13:10 11 Jul

     "How come that reverse psychology trick never works when I try it?"
Miz Parker asked me as I ran water to wash dishes.
     "I honestly don't know," I told her.  "Maybe it's 'cause I'm a lot
younger than you, so I don't look 'grownup' to them yet?  And then they
don't expect me to try and trick them?"  I shrugged.
     "But then I think you'd have problems telling them to be quiet and
things like that," she pointed out.
     "We established my authority a loooong time ago," I grinned.
     She gave me the Eye of Parental Inquiry, then decided she'd be
happier not knowing, and turned the glare off again.

***
14:08 11 Jul

     They wanted badly to go swimming, which sounded like a good idea,
so I changed into my suit, changed Stella into something that would work
well enough for a bathing suit, and we all went swimming.
     I checked my watch, and it was a little less than four hours until
Travis and I went out.  I'd live.

***
17:42 11 Jul

     Miz Parker came in the door, and I waved at her.  "Um, Miz Parker?"
     She looked at me, and I guess the bundle of clothes I was holding
gave her a clue.  "Going out with Travis tonight?" she asked, and I
nodded.  "And you need to go change," she stated, and I nodded again.
"Okay, I'll take over."
     "Thank you!" I said sincerely, and dashed for the downstairs
bathroom.

***
17:58 11 Jul

     When I came out of the bathroom, Travis was inside and chatting
with Miz Parker and the boys.  He turned when I came out and waved at
me.  I felt kind of weak in the knees, but maybe that was overheating
from all the stuff I'd been doing in the un-ventilated bathroom.

***
18:14 11 Jul

     I hadn't realized it would be quite so tortuous to make small talk
with all of them when all I wanted to do was leave, but it was.  At
least now we were walking out to his Suburban.
     "How was your day?" he asked.
     "Oh it was okay," I said.  "Except for the strawberries."

***
18:20 11 Jul

     "Where's your sister?" he asked me.
     "Sus-"  Oh, wrong one.  "Amy?"
     "No, the other one," he said.  "Susan?"
     "You haven't met Susan," I told him.  Then, "Wait-"
     He laughed at me while I blushed and wondered I could have been so
stupid.  "Amy's not your sister," he eventually informed me.
     "No," I admitted.
     "But Susan is, right?" he pushed.
     "Yeah, Susan's my real sister, but like I said, you haven't met
her yet."
     "And Amy is?"
     "No she isn't," I sighed.
     He gave me a look.  "No, I mean, what is Amy?"
     "Oh.  My cousin, off my mom's side," I said when I understood what
he was talking about.
     "Why did she say you two were sisters?"
     I didn't remember her saying it; I thought it was me.  "Um, well,
we do kind of look alike, and she thought it would be funny..."

***
18:24 11 Jul

     "So where were we going?" I asked him.
     "Teller's?" he asked.  "It's a-"
     "Oh man!" I interrupted accidentally.  "That is so cool!"
     "I guess you heard of it," he grinned.
     "Yeah," I admitted, "it's really nice but..."  I changed my mind
before I said it, which was a nice change from the usual order.
     "What?" Travis asked me eventually.
     "I was going to say, I can't afford it, but that was before I had a
regular job."
     "Val, you don't-"
     "I want to, sometimes.  I don't want you spending all your money on
me."  *And thinking that all the investment had to pay off at some
point.*
     Then again-
     "Valerie," he said, and then he stopped, and smiled at me.  I had
to look away.  "Come on, let's go eat."
     My pager buzzed, so I shut it off.

***
20:11 11 Jul

     "Travis?"
     "Hmm?"
     "Um, I gotta go to the ladies' room, I'll be back in a bit, okay?"
     "Okay," he said, then he grinned.  "Have fun in there."
     "Right," I smirked.

***
20:14 11 Jul

     After I re-brushed my hair, powdered my nose and chin again, and
applied some more lipstick, I looked at myself in the mirror.  I didn't
look that bad, I decided.  At least nothing was out of place, and I
hadn't spilled any food on my clothes or anything like that.
  
***
20:17 11 Jul

     "So what do you want to do now?" Travis asked as he plopped some
cash down on top of the bill.
     "I dunno..." I told him, still smiling.  Maybe the smile made me
look stupid, but he wasn't laughing.
     He just smiled back.  "Want some dessert?"
     I thought about it.  "Maybe a little?  Maybe I could share one with
you?"
     "There's a dessert place near here, and they have jazz too," he
said, not quite answering the questions.
     I decided I didn't really need answers to the questions I'd asked,
so instead I gave him, "Where?"

***
20:26 11 Jul

     There was a little coffeeshop and they did indeed have some jazz
playing.  I smiled at him- well, I guess I hadn't stopped for a while.
We'd walked the whole way, holding hands, and I think that's why I was
smiling so much.  It was exciting just being with him.  Still, the
piano-sax-bass-drums quartet was truly skilled, it sounded like.

***
22:01 11 Jul

     "Maybe we could go for a walk?" I suggested.
     He frowned a little at that, and asked, "Is something wrong?"
     "What?  No, why-"  Tuesday, I remembered.  "Oh, no, everything's
fine, I just thought we could walk a little bit, settle everything.  I
ate a lot today," I said apologetically.  "I'm not used to all this
food."

***
22:39 11 Jul

     "Kiss- mmmmmmm..."  Travis was such a good kisser.
     He slid a hand under my blouse, caressing my back, and I
reflexively arched, pressing against his body.  He stopped kissing me
for a while, which allowed me to catch my breath, or try to.
     I finally managed to open my eyes and look at him.  He was staring
down at me, looking- well, Looking at me, really intently.  "Are you
okay?" he rumbled, me feeling it in my body as much as hearing it.
     "Uh huh," I gasped, and nodded to reinforce the idea.  "Please,
don't stop," I pleaded with him, running a gentle finger along his neck.
"Pleas-"  He stroked my back again.  "-oohhhhh," I moaned, my eyes
shutting by themselves and my body shuddering in response to his touch.
"Yes, please don't stop," I begged him when I could talk again.
     He kissed me instead of saying anything, which was great, and I
could still feel his hand on my back, almost hot against my skin.
     It was a gentle, sweet kiss, and I guess it would have done me good
a while ago, but right now I wanted more, so I plunged my tongue into
his mouth and rubbed my body against his as close as I could get.
     *Oh wait-* I thought and then put my right leg in between his,
which meant that since his legs were apart too, I could wrap mine around
one of his, and push against them.
     "What-" Travis said, and I opened my eyes and looked at him.  He
looked surprised.  I smiled at him, and very slowly and gently moved my
leg back and forth against his crotch.
     His eyes closed momentarily, but opened quickly enough to see the
grin on my face.  "Valerie?"
     "Shhh," I said, and tried to think of the words I needed.  "I, I
want you, right now..."  Hopefully the continual movement was making him
nearly as crazy as it was me.  "I-i-i-i, I w-w-want... you," I breathed
out desperately.  "Please?"  I was losing my mind.  "Please?  Kiss me
again?"  I hoped that would entice him back to me.
     "But-"
     I pulled his lips against mine and stuck my tongue in, licking
around his teeth until he unclenched his jaw and started playing with me
again.  *Oh thank gods,* I thought, smiling in the kiss, and I stroked
his neck with the tips of my fingers.
     He unexpectedly moved me against the wall and pushed his leg
between mine, and moved it back and forth twice.
     That was all it took, 'cause I was already on the edge.  I wrapped
around his leg with both of mine, put my arms around his back, and
pulled myself against him as hard as I could.  I don't think I screamed,
but I made tiny high-pitched, "Ooh-ooh-ohh-" noises for a few seconds.
I think.  Inside, I felt like I was exploding like I NEVER had before,
and I lost my body for a long time.
     When I came back, finally, and opened my eyes, Travis was holding
me up and looked panicked.  "Valerie?  Oh God," he said, and he wasn't
saying it like I would have been.
     I was breathing too hard to say much of anything, but I managed to
force out, "Hold me?!" in between gasps of air.  He gingerly put his
arms around me in a more normal fashion.  I closed my eyes again, and
just enjoyed him.
     As I slowly relaxed from sex-rictus, I went past normal to Jello,
and he had to sit down with me before I collapsed on the sidewalk.
     He was holding me tightly and rocking me back and forth, which is
exactly what I wanted him to do, so I didn't notice for a while that he
was whimpering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over.
     "What?" I gasped when I finally heard what he was saying, and I
pushed myself out of his chest to look at him, and he had tears coming
down his face.  "Travis?!"
     "I-i-" he stammered, and tried to let go of me, but I wasn't going
to let him.
     "No!"  *Oh shit that was the wrong thing to say,* I realized
instantly.  "N-Please!  Don't leave me!  Travis?!"  I reached up, an
incredible effort, and stroked a thumb across the streak of tears on his
cheek.  "Please... did I hurt you?" I asked, wondering how I could have
screwed up so badly.
     "No-  Wh-  Val?" he asked desperately.
     With more strength than I thought I had, I managed to put my arms
around his neck again and pull his head close to mine.  "Please, Travis,
I need you now," I breathed.
     He stopped trying to get away, but his face looked so confused, and
I had absolutely no idea why.  "Please, I need you," I repeated.  "Hold
me?"  He still looked confused, but he wrapped me up in his arms, and I
snuggled against him, his cheek wetting mine.
     Eventually my body re-oxygenated and my breathing slowed, and I
could say, "That was fantastic," into his ear.
     I didn't expect him to push me away and stare into my face like I'd
gone insane.
     "What?" I asked, way past confused by this time.
     "Valerie?!"
     "Huh?"  I was beginning to suspect the problem wasn't on my side.
     His mouth worked for a while without any sense coming out.
     "Travis?  Did, did I embarrass you?"  We were, I started to
remember, in vaguely a public place.  *Oh sh-*
     "I thought," he didn't answer, "I thought..."
     "Thought what?"
     "I thought I'd hurt you like last time?" he said, starting to
shiver.
     "Wha-  Oh!"  *Oh shit!*  "No!  No, Travis, no, you didn't hurt me!
I, I..."  *Ai-yi-yi, how the hell could I explain the last time?*  "I
just, I guess, last time, back in April, right?" I confirmed.  "At that
party where I twisted my ankle?"  He nodded, and I relaxed a little bit.
At least I had a clue as to what was going on, now.  "I just- I wasn't
ready for, for this, then," I said.  Half true, anyway.  The other fear
I had was that Debbie would slit my throat.  A shudder of fear rippled
through me at the thought, and he hiccuped.  "No, Travis! Please... I
just..."  I breathed for a while, thinking how to say it, and squeezing
him to show that I was still present.  He waited for me to finish
thinking, at least.
     Finally, I looked into his eyes, and told him, "Last time, I didn't
know what was going to happen, and there were other things in the way,
that scared me when it happened.  This time..."  I couldn't help
smiling, because the feeling was still swirling around my body.  "This
time I wanted it, from you..."  That was all I could think of to say.
Except, a very heartfelt, "Thank you," before I hugged him tight again.
     He grabbed back, almost tight enough to make me squeak, but I guess
he needed it right then.

***


"And you may say to yourself,
'My God, what have I done?'"
Talking Heads, Once In A Lifetime


Distribution:
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Permission is given to redistribute this by electronic means, as long as
the entirety of the work (from the BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE header to
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+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313  6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC
+ http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +



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