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Off-Road Tuck -*- Copyright 2002 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Off-Road Tuck


***
06:03 5 Aug

     "Eugene?" Brian growled at me, waking me up after a too-short nap.
     "Uhhhh, drop dead," I managed, and ignored the thump noise outside
my tent.  He was far too mean and obstructive to actually drop dead when
I told him to.
     "Sh-h-darnit," Amy sighed, and then smiled at me before she kissed
me.  "Guess we gotta get up, huh?"
     "Don'wanna," I said, and she kissed me again.  "Okay okay, we're
up," I surrendered, and she chuckled before we let go of each other and
started getting dressed again.  "Don't forget your BC pill," I reminded
her.  She was close to having her period, and so she was using the pills
to scramble her cycle so she wouldn't menstruate this month.  I'd bet,
though I hadn't asked, that Dana was doing the same thing.  It sounded
like a good idea.
     "Oh, beLIEVE me I won't," she assured me.  "Tylenol?"  I dug around
in my buttpack until I found the drugs, then pulled the thing out and
gave her two and me two.  Then she hit me in the head with something
cloth and then tossed it on me, which took me a while to identify as one
of those leotard things.  "How's it working out?"
     "Better than I thought," I admitted as I took it from her and began
struggling into it.  "Keeping me down in front," I said.
     "Doesn't hurt too much?" she asked, and I shook my head.  "And who
had the clever idea?" she grinned.
     "What about you?" I asked her.
     "I think I like mine better," she said, flicking a finger through
the strap of the sports bra she was wearing and snapping it.  "S'okay?"
     "Well, yeah, sure, why not?" I asked.  "Just, y'know, keep helping
me with the laundry part?" I asked, swinging the leotard back at her
head.  If she'd put it on HER pack, or claim that it was on my pack for
her, then I wouldn't get questions as to why I was wearing one.

***
06:19 5 Aug

     I thought Dana and Jim were weird for bringing a kettle, but it
always came in handy for mornings like this, where all you wanted to do
was get something warm and fairly quick, like oatmeal and powdered milk
and honey, and tea and more honey, that merely required hot water.  It
was one of those gear things.  I shook my laundry bag some more.

***
06:44 5 Aug

     Today was not the day to place the tent fly and ground sheet into
the same waterproof bag as the tent, I realized just before I tried it.
Luckily, we had made provision for this very sort of occasion, which I
made use of.

***
06:51 5 Aug

     "Okay," Dad said at 'morning briefing', also known as, if you
happened to be normal and not infected with military memes, 'what the
heck we're doing today'.  I was sort of an asymptomatic carrier, Mike
said.
     "Mike, Amy, Tuck, Brian, and me, we're going to be carrying one
full water carrier bag each, today, no arguments."  There were some very
heavy sighs at that, which of course weren't nearly as heavy as what we
were going to be carrying.  Five liters of water, added to the five
hundred pounds I was already carrying, and I might just sink through the
dirt and mud to my death.  No, our gear tended to be relatively low
density when submerged, I remembered, and I was more buoyant than I used
to be.  I'd just be permanently stuck.  Great.
     On the other hand, it was about the right weight to simulate the
other gear we weren't carrying through a public park.
     "We'll have a relatively short lunch," Dad continued, "without a
nap break, and then light-hike the rest of the day until we hit a
campsite, and then we'll make an early night of it and sleep late
tomorrow." There were small cheers at that, since that meant at least
two more hours of sleep, and probably more like four.  Also, most
likely, pancakes and honey in the morning, too.  Yum.
     "National Weather Service predicts at least another day of rain in
the area before it clears, though, so it's gonna be a wet day."  Mike
took the opportunity to glare at my wok.  I smiled back at him.  "Any
questions?"  There weren't any, so Dad said, "Okay, then, we inspect
camp and then move out."
     As we all got up, Amy said to me, "Isn't today the beef thing day?"
     "Oooh, yeah, good point," I said, and dug in my pack.

***
12:29 5 Aug

     On the one hand, it was going to take my group longer to cook food
and wash out a couple of pots, than it would take Dad and Brian to eat
their pre-cooked stuff.  On the other hand, Brian and his friends kept
looking over at us enviously as we cooked up something like burritos in
not much time at all, thanks to the rehydrated beef Amy had remembered
this morning, and heaped a rice dish on our plates as well.  In addition
to the instant soup we'd already inhaled.  Not much nutrition in them
soups, but the salt was nice, and it kept the guys off my ass whilst I
cooked.
     "What is it with you and garlic?" Dan complained as I added some
more to mine.
     "It's bad for me," I lied and smiled.

***
14:38 5 Aug

     "The deal is," Mike explained, "that someone has to watch the camp
while we are out and about."  As predicted, Amy and Dan complained
bitterly, until Mike reminded them, "Hey, me and Tuck work best
together.  And, since Tucker brought a camera, we can take pictures and
show you what we did later."
     "Yeah- no, wait, that's a bad idea," I said.  "'Cause of the flash
we'll need."
     "What, no LI lens on that thing?" Mike asked incredulously.
     "Oh, gee," I said sarcastically as I snapped my fingers, "I forgot
to get the ten thousand dollar gen-three nightvision lens for my two
hundred dollar camera, how silly of me."
     Amy asked, "They have-"
     "No," Mike and I said at the same time.  "Maybe for pro cameras,"
Mike allowed, "but not for little things like Tuck's carrying.  And
about the flash, it shouldn't be a problem if we move on immediately
afterwards."
     "Shouldn't?" I questioned.
     "How fast can you run if you leave your pack behind?  Fast, right?"
     "Shouldn't?"
     "TRUST me," Mike said.  "I've got it all planned out."
     "Oh boy," sighed Dan.

***
16:44 5 Aug

     We were passing far too near the Boy Sprout camp for my tastes, but
if I'd had my way we'd have gone past in bounding overwatch in the dark
of night, since it was just a couple of days past the new moon.
     On the other hand, we didn't actually see any, and I know that all
four of my team were keeping an all-round watch for them.  That's why I
had backpoint and Mike had point, after all.

***
17:31 5 Aug

     "I don't think this is going to be our most innovative night," I
said as I poured hot water into mugs filled with ramen noodles.  At
least our Mac&CheesePowder had some extra stuff packed to throw in,
which would about double the volume and triple the edibility.
     "It'll be good," Amy assured me.
     I sighed, and looked over at Dana and Jim, who were doing something
wicked with their baking stuff.  "Yeah, but..."

***
18:16 5 Aug

     "You should be glad," I mentioned to the kids, "one time Dad made
us take nothing but MRE's, for a week.  That truly sucked."
     "You ate 'em!" Dad remembered.
     "They're HEAVY!" I complained.  "And not that good for the weight."
     "Whine whine whine, you're eating 'em the last day of the trip,
aren't you?"
     "Next to last, and you wanted to rotate 'em out, remember?"
     "Shut up, Eugene," Dad said, and I grinned, because that meant I'd
won.

***
20:38 5 Aug

     "I am ready to turn in," I announced.
     "Into what?" Brian asked, which got some chuckles from his peanut
gallery.  I sighed and ignored him and went to my tent.

***
09:04 6 Aug

     "Oh God I hurt," I realized.  All over.
     "Me too," Amy agreed.  "Want some Tylenol?"
     "Ibuprofen, four," I decided.  If Mom could take four-
     "Four?"
     "Maybe twelve, but I'll start with four."

***
09:18 6 Aug

     "Boy, you guys slept late," Dana commented as I got ready to cook
breakfast for my teammates.  The rain had resumed, which didn't make me
any happier.  At least I had a tarp over the stove.
     "Just tired from all the exercise," I claimed, and smiled.  That
hurt too.
     "It's pancakes day," she smiled back.

***
09:49 6 Aug

     "You are way outta shape," Mike informed me.
     "Thank you, hadn't realized that."  Talking hurt.  Crouching down
and cooking was agony.  I wished we had something in between aspirin-
like baby-drugs and morphine; a Darvon might do me some good.  'Course,
those would be inventoried too, if we did have them, and I'd have to
explain why I took one and why I hadn't told Dana.  Dad would not accept
'Because she'd say no if I asked', either.  Maybe it was for the best.
     I did wish, though, that I could powder the ibus and snort them or
something to get them into my bloodstream faster.

***
10:04 6 Aug

     Either the ibuprofen was starting to take effect, or the honey on
the hotcakes had unexpected herbal benefits stored in it.  Maybe it was
the life force in the eggs.  Either way, life was quite a bit more
bearable than it had been half an hour ago.
     "Such a hard day ahead of us," Mike sighed as he leaned back.
     "Oh, God," I mentioned.  I was stuffed, though Mike and Dan had
gone through enough to feed three of me.  Maybe four.
     "I could cook lunch?" Amy asked, or offered.
     "What is lunch?" Mike asked.
     Dan explained, "It's a meal commonly eaten during the middle of the
day-"
     "But that's not important right now," Mike cut him off.  "Amy, what
are you FIXING for lunch?"
     "Tortellini," Amy said in a baroque Italian pseudo-accent, with
hand flourishes.  "Minestrone soup, som-a bread-a for you."
     "Garlic cheese pita?" I suggested to Amy, and she smiled and
nodded.

***
14:09 6 Aug

     We were way early for lunch in my opinion, but the rest of the crew
had delayed theirs for a while, and so we were all stopping and cooking
together.  Though, luckily, apart enough that we didn't bump elbows.
     Dad had once again sprung for freeze-dried for all of them, which
was a bit irritating since he wouldn't do that for me or Mike any more.
On the other hands, the kids looked ragged enough as it was.
     "Now, don't burn the water," I told Brian.  He carefully set a pot
down on a stove and got up, which meant I'd best get up too, but before
I could get more than a foot away he'd grabbed me by the arm.  "Okay," I
said as I winced, and he boffed me in the head.
     It seemed kind of stupid to other people, but doing it this way
avoided things like being playfully and honestly accidentally shoved
into conjunction with a two-liter pot of boiling water and a flaming
stove.  That was worth a boff in the head.

***
15:27 6 Aug

     Once everything was clean to my satisfaction (Cook Does Hygiene),
and I had some more ibus working their way down, and the beef and sauce
were rehydrating nicely, it was time for me to take a nap, in my
opinion.  In Dad's, though, it was time to resume hiking.  Jerk.
     "Don't you want to play?" Mike asked after I'd loaded up.
     "Play what?"
     "Sherpa?" he said, which made no sense to me at all.
     On the other hand, I hadn't heard anything like 'sleep' or 'rest'
or anything, so it was still an easy decision.  "No.  Sleep."
     "No sleep, hike," Dan grinned.

***
17:40 6 Aug

     Playing Watson to Dan's Sherlock-mage and Amy's Irene-styled
noblewoman was easier than I'd thought it would be.  And a lot more fun.
We were using up batteries like crazy, but amazingly, Mike had managed
to coerce Dan into bringing a spare set for each of us, which must've
weighed a ton.

***
20:19 6 Aug

     Lentil soup, pasta, sauce with the last fresh onion I had,
cornbread, and soon after that would be something between fudge and
brownies.  And more drugs.
     You needed a day like this after a while on the trail, I thought.
     "How can you cook like that?" Dave asked me.  "I mean, just, with
just what you got?"
     "Looooong practice," I nodded in agreement with myself.
     "Weighs more, usually," Dad mentioned, "but costs a lot less.  Tuck
and them have a budget to stick to."
     "Bourgeois pig-oppressor imperialist running dog," Mike commented,
which made me laugh.
     "Ha ha ha ha ha, sucks to be poor," Dad sneered for effect.
     "First against the wall when the revolution comes," I said, and
shook my fist at him.
     "Do I look like the Sirius Cybernetics marketing department?" Dad
asked rhetorically.  He fluttered a hand at his neck.  "Look Ma, no
tie!" which also made me laugh.  I was tired.

***
21:20 6 Aug

     It was getting dark and I was more than ready to turn in.  We'd
arranged our tent and Mike and Dan's tent so we had one end together,
and it was through there that Mike called, "Hey Tuck, c'mere."
     I scrambled carefully over my own pack and unzipped the door on
that side.  "What?"
     He motioned me closer and whispered in my ear, "Amy bribed Brian
and then, so they'll watch camp while we're gone."
     "Oh boy, how much did that cost?"  Mike winced.  "That little
mercenary bastard," I said.
     "And who taught him that?"
     "Dad," I said confidently.
     "Right, sure, whatever.  Anyway, about twenty-three-ten, okay?"
     I set my watch alarm, and then we synchronized watches with one of
the shortwave time channels, which was kind of corny but was a good
thing to check anyway.

***
23:10 6 Aug

     "Deedeedeedeet, deedeedeedeet, deedee-"  I shut my watch off and
nudged Amy until she was awake.
     "What now?" she asked.
     "Get dressed QUIETLY," I emphasized as I whispered into her ear.
"Clothing boots and harness, no pack.  Get your tube scarf out and put
it around your neck too.  And change your batteries out in your radio
and make sure it's on low power.  We've got about ten minutes, so take
your time.  And QUIET, remember?  We don't want them to wake up."  She
nodded.

***
23:24 6 Aug

     After waiting a while to make sure everyone was still asleep, I
carefully crawled out of my tent and stood up, then helped Amy out.
     We met Mike and Dan in the middle of our tent pair, and Mike
whispered, "Latrine stop first."
     "Got everything?" I asked, and he pulled up his poncho to reveal a
shoulder strap as he turned to show me a small backpack I hadn't
noticed.

***
01:05 7 Aug

     It was a lot easier going without the packs, but it still seemed
like a long way, even discounting the fear multiplier that was tripling
the time it felt like.  That's because it was a long way.  But we'd
finally gotten there.  "Rest up," Mike said, and we all crouched on the
ground, facing different directions, and melted back into the night.

***
01:07 7 Aug

     It was awfully noisy for a Boy Sprout camp after midnight,
especially in the woods.  At least the rain had stopped momentarily.
"What?" Amy whispered.
     "Dunno," Mike said, and waved at her, so I clutched her hand and
squeezed it, and she actually shut up when I did.

***
01:09 7 Aug

     We were about to retreat back into the darkness because it was way
too wild in there; one group seemed to be chasing a bunch of squalling
children down and doing something nefarious.  Mike was actually raising
his hand to get us up and outta there when we heard someone stumbling
our way, quickly.
     "Ambush four dash four," Mike ordered quietly over the radio, and
Mike and Dan went to one side of the trail while I grabbed Amy's hand
and we went to the other side.  When we stopped, I leaned over and
whispered in her ear, "If it's just one, you grab his arm and I get
behind him and cover his mouth.  Just grab his arm and pull away from
his body."  Dan would do the same thing on his side, and Mike'd be in
front. "Watch to your left side.  More than one, we stay here and don't
move. Got it?"  She nodded, her hair brushing my face, and then we
waited.

***
01:10 7 Aug

     The lone kid came blundering along, and screamed a bit when Mike
snapped in a startlingly loud voice, "Execute!"
     Within seconds, the kid was secured and whimpering and trying to
thrash as Amy and Dan pulled him taut and I held his mouth shut.  "Shut
the fuck up or we'll hurt you," I suggested into his ear.  "Stop
thrashing!"
     He stopped, but I could feel the immense tension in his body.
     "What's going on out there?" Mike asked as he turned a red-lensed
light on the kid.  I could see the Boy Sprout uniform, barely.  "Talk,
or we'll have to make you talk and that will hurt."  Mike's English
accent would not fool someone from the Isles themselves - mine had, when
we'd tried it - but it was good enough for most American work.
     I delicately lifted my hand, ready to clamp back down if he started
screaming or something.  "Who are you?"
     "We're revolutionaries of the People's Army, comrade," Mike lied.
     "What?"  Clue meter didn't even twitch, apparently.
     "What's going on, lad?" Mike tried.
     "Uh, but, who-"
     I choked him a bit and suggested in his ear, "Answer the
commissar's question before he gets angry."  Not like we'd planned to be
revolutionaries of the People's Army, but it fit.  Not that we'd planned
on meeting anyone either.
     "It, the older guys, they sent us on a snipe hunt, to get fresh-"
     He stopped when Mike and Dan and I started trying not to laugh.
     "Um," Mike said, then coughed a little.  "Ah, and they're chasing
you with sticks and such?"
     "Yeah?  And tying us up and things.  How'd you-"
     "We of the People's Army have gathered much intelligence about this
organization of oppression," Mike orated quietly.  "And we are here to
help you, comrade!  Let him go."
     "But-" Amy protested as she and Dan did no such thing, Mike not
having signed the same thing.
     "I'm sure he'll assist us in this glorious fight for the people,"
Mike said.  "Won't you, lad?" he asked the kid.
     "Uh..."
     "Or we can tie you up and leave you here in the dark and rain," I
hissed.  "I'm sure they'll find you after the sun comes up."
     "Don't hurt me?" the kid begged.
     "Nonsense, you are but a lad, an innocent victim of oppression,"
Mike told him.  "Just tell us where they are and what they are doing."
     "Okay..."
     "You'll help?" I confirmed.  "You swear," I thought of something
good, "by the underwear I'll cut off you if you're lying?"
     "Who ARE you people?" he asked desperately.
     "People's Army," Mike said right before Dan said, "Tallyho, two."
     "Decide!" Mike said urgently, the kid nodded, Mike signed, Dan let
go, and Amy and I dragged him to our side of the trail.  As we pulled
our tube scarves up, I told the kid, "You go first, we'll be a step
behind you.  Just grab someone's legs and hang on.  Boxer, same thing."
Amy nodded, and after a moment the kid did the same thing.  I slid my
goggles over my eyes for protection, and put a finger to the kid's lips.

***
01:12 7 Aug

     It had been short and sharp, and I was glad I'd had the goggles on
even though my face hurt from where someone had tried to blacken my eye,
but now we had two prisoners, secured with their own duct tape, and one
solid comrade whom we had to keep shushing because he was so excited.
     "Now, what are they doing with the rest of them?" Mike asked in the
kid's ear.  "Stop kicking them."
     "Faggots," the kid said as he stopped.  "Uh, what?"  Mike sighed.

***
01:14 7 Aug

     "Okay, here's what we do," Mike said, once we'd gotten far enough
away from the other two that they couldn't hear our voices.  "Lad, do
exactly what we tell you or you will be hurt, okay?"
     He nodded, but said, "My name's Ron."
     "That's good, Ron.  Do you understand?" Mike pressed.
     "Yeah, okay," he said excitedly, which did not fill me with
confidence.

***
01:15 7 Aug

     "What?" Amy complained.  "Why me?"
     "Because you have the biggest knockers," Mike said.  Amy grumbled
but didn't argue, as Dan chuckled and Ron looked around confused.  He
was a confused boy; if this was what the Sprouts did for you, I was very
glad I'd never tried 'em.

***
01:19 7 Aug

     "Two more!" Dan called as we walked up to the circle of guards with
sticks that were surrounding the neophytes and cracking jokes.  "And we
caught a girl, too!" he said, shaking Amy's arm as he shined a white
light on her chest and stomach.  *Not the face!* I pleaded, though Dan
knew better.
     "Let GO of me you FUCK," Amy snarled in a credible Jawjuh drawl as
she thrashed helplessly, her wrists together like mine, with enough tape
on them to look impressive in the light of the Coleman lanterns.  I
hadn't changed, just pulled down my scarf and goggles, and we just hoped
that they wouldn't notice the gloves we were wearing or that our
uniforms didn't match Ron-boy's.  But we were betting they'd be looking
at Amy's boobs in the sports bra instead, since she'd stripped down to
bra and boxers before we came over here.
     And, like Mike had planned, they did.
     "You WHAT?" gasped one of the guys as they all looked at us.  "Oh
my God that's kidna-"
     At which point Mike threw the flare bomb up in the air.  It went
"BEEEEE-" which told me that Mike had attached a peeper to it and set
them both off at the same time.  I threw my not-really-bound hands over
my eyes and pressed hard, and therefore wasn't blinded when the
half-pound of flash powder detonated with a warm gratifying "FOOF!".
That caused a lot of excitement, which very shortly thereafter got worse
as we of the People's Army expressed our dissatisfaction with their
oppressive regime.  And as soon as Amy put on the gear Mike had been
carrying for her and had just dropped, she joined in the fun.

***
01:22 7 Aug

     Now that the prisoners were liberated in the name of the People's
Army, guarding and abusing their ex-jailers as I'd snapped a couple of
quick photos, Mike and I had to hurry to get done what we'd come to do
in the first place.
     Mike clipped the rings through the grommets and then started
hoisting frantically as I got the locks out and opened them and laid
them on the ground, and then got my camera and strobe out.  Mike
finished about the time I had everything ready, and as he was busy
tying knots in the rope and locking the rope to the cleat, I managed to
get three flash pictures of the old Soviet flag we'd just irrevocably
run up the Boy Scout's flagpole, and we just had time to salute before
Amy screamed, "BUSTED BUSTED!"
     We immediately started running for the safety of the woods, but we
almost got intercepted by some adult-sized males who were waving
flashlights and yelling authoritarian things at us.
     "For the PEOPLE!" Mike yelled and we both dropped to the ground as
he popped another flash egg at them.  They stopped, Mike picked up the
casing like he had with the other one - not only was it a bad idea to
leave evidence, but the ignition and fusing might be reusable - and we
ran past them and into the darkness again, leaving chaos, confusion, and
a whole lot of overturned social order behind us.
     Very revolutionary on the whole, I thought.

***
02:06 7 Aug

     Being well over a mile away and after another ten minute resting
and listening period, Mike signaled that we could talk after we got up
and got moving again.  Which was good for me, because Amy had been
squeezing my hand frantically once we'd stopped for the first time to
check our backtrail - no pursuit - and we though it was relatively safe,
especially since we were running towards the river and not directly
towards our camp, and I'd been going crazy trying to decode what wasn't
Morse but kept having scraps of code in it.  And my hand hurt now too.
     "Oh, my, God," Amy sighed happily.
     "And I got pictures, too," I said.  "Ho ho ho," I added.
     "People's Army?" Dan asked.
     "Hey, I had to improvise, okay?" Mike complained.  "I hadn't
expected to run into any of that."
     "I'm glad," Dan said.  "I'd be scared if you planned it the way it
happened."
     "It worked, didn't it?" Mike mentioned.  "Huh?"
     "MOST wondrously," I said, and Mike and I shook fists at each
other.  "And so another legend starts..."

***
03:13 7 Aug

     "Primo," I said into Dave's ear.  "But don't ask us about it for a
while, don't even mention it.  We did get pictures, and we'll show you
what happened when we have some time, 'kay?"  He nodded, and we shook
hands before he went off to bed.

***
03:58 7 Aug

     I was more than glad to wake Dad up and have him take over the
'guard' duties and get some fucking sleep.

***
07:19 7 Aug

     "Uh?" I asked the world.
     "Time to get up, we let you guys sleep as long as we could," Dana
said from outside my tent.
     "Nnngg," I complained as I arose from the dead and scrabbled for
drugs.

***
09:25 7 Aug

     It was pretty quiet on the trail, and the rain had almost stopped,
though I still had the wok on my head to keep me from getting zapped
with tree-drips.  Nothing much to do but think, and at the moment I'd
pretty much gotten all my major problems up to date, at least.  Though I
missed Travis at the moment, it wasn't like we could have talked much
anyway; we were a little too spread-out, and there wasn't that much
juice in our batteries, not for transmitting all day anyway.

***
16:10 7 Aug

     I suppose it was inevitable.  Near the end of the day, I'm tired,
the trail is slick, and I get overconfident just long enough to slip.
     And fall.
     And the crash pads and biker's gloves took the abrasions, my
reflexes and the water bag absorbed almost all the KE, and nothing at
all happened to my own tender flesh, even though I'd slid about four
feet downhill too before I stopped.  Even the wok had detached from the
pack straps like it was supposed to, instead of getting bent up on the
rocks.
     I was grinning like a lunatic as the rest of my team helped me up,
and Mike and I slapped hands as he looked smug.

***
18:43 7 Aug

     Now, I was VERY glad the rain had stopped, because I needed the wok
to fry up our falafel, as well as the pots for the sauces and the
instant tabouli and hummus.  Which made me think of Mom, in a positive
fashion this time.  She had had some weird ideas over the years, but
some of them had worked out well.  And tastily.

***
20:39 7 Aug

     "Okay, up at six, out by seven thirty or so, and we resume travel,"
Dad said.  "Mike, Dan, Tuck, me, and Jim'll carry one water bag each,"
which made my bones shrivel.
     "I could try it?" Tim said, looking around.
     "Yeah," Dave agreed.  "I mean, me too."  They both looked at Brian,
who shrugged back at them.
     "Okay," Dad nodded.
     I swallowed some more of the brown chocolaty goo - we'd saved the
fudge/brownie stuff for another night, this being the other night - and
suggested, "Dave can carry mine."
     "Tuck's a wimp," Dan suggested.  "Don't offer to carry his pack,
he'll let you."
     This also made me laugh, because the idea of any human being I
associated with being able to carry TWO loaded packs for any real
distance - say, a kilometer or so - was ludicrous.
     "And I need someone to rig the antenna up so I can call home in
about twenty minutes," Dad said as he looked at Brian.  That was half
the reason he was lugging around a shortwave radio and gel-cell battery
good for nothing else; the other half was for an emergency.  And Brian
had one of the antenna packs.
     Brian groaned and nodded at the same time.

***
20:55 7 Aug

     "Hey, guys, haven't you ever heard of the beauty of quiet?" Dad
asked when Amy stopped squealing.  She was playing amphibo-phobic as
Mike 'menaced' her with a confused frog to illustrate a point of some
sort.  "And 'silence is golden'?"
     We looked at each other, and decided, "No."  "Why?" Mike asked.
     If Dad thought silence was golden, he could cough up some gold if
he wanted the silence.

***
20:57 7 Aug

     He'd refused, so we continued, which almost drove him away.  But
not quite, darnit.  "Hey," Mike said to us, "wanna play some more?"
     "What are you guys playing?" Dave asked us.
     "Uh, Sherpa," Mike didn't really answer.  "Why?"
     "Oh, we're playing poker sometimes, and I wondered-"
     "Hey!" Brian called.  "Help me with this, dork!"

***
21:14 7 Aug

     Dad had finally gotten Mom on the radio, which was good since she
was supposed to be keeping a radio watch tonight.  I was also glad she
hadn't toasted the receivers or set the house on fire, or anything.  Mom
was not really that technical.
     Dad transmitted, "Everyone's fine and in good health.  Halfway
home.  Over."
     "-right," Mom cut herself off.  "See you Sunday evening, then?"
     "Yes.  Love you."
     "Love you too, Bill."  Tongues of disgust were stuck out all over
the place, at least by the under-thirty contingent.
     Dad gave his callsign and cleared, and turned off the shortwave,
and that was that.  Of course, I didn't now have to take down the
antenna, which was a good thing in my opinion.  Brian and his friends
did, which was a better thing.

***
04:11 8 Aug

     It was nice and quiet after Brian and Tim had gone to sleep, and
Amy seemed happy enough for being up at this hour.  Me, I was starting
to get into the groove of it, which was helped a lot by the fact that
walking wasn't an agony of shredded knees.
     The pads were definitely going to be seriously Recommended in the
future, maybe even Essential.

***
12:17 8 Aug

     After lunch, which was close enough to a road to hear a very
occasional vehicle pass by, Dad reminded us, "Road march the rest of the
day, to the water point.  Put the triangles on your packs now."  I dug
through mine and found it, showed it to Amy to remind her what Dad was
talking about, and roped it on the back of my pack.  "And reflectors on
the front," Dad added.  I pulled those out, unrolled them, and strapped
them down, and then helped Amy with hers.

***
17:56 8 Aug

     Just being away from water made you want to drink like crazy when
you found some, so I did, but not from the pump.  The one time someone
had done that and gotten sick in the predictable place was the LAST time
I was going to drink untreated water out in the woods.  Or the desert,
or the tundra, or anyplace.

***
18:18 8 Aug

     "Just rice and noodles left," I sighed.  "And MRE's."
     "And a few candy bars," Mike grinned, waving a couple of them that
he had somehow conjured at me and Amy.  "Mmmmmmm-"
     "Jerk," I mentioned.
     "I was GOING to offer you one each," Mike said, so I threw myself
down on the ground and begged for a while until he gave me one.

***
19:08 8 Aug

     Dad caught everyone's attention with a, "Here's what we're doing
tomorrow, guys, c'mere."  I had a great desire to know what was going
on, so I came, as did everyone else.
     He had a map and flashlight out, and he turned it on as we all
clustered around.  I pulled out my map to follow along.
     "Okay, we're here," he pointed at a spot on the map, and I stared
at mine until I found the spot.  We had to wait until Jim found it too,
but he wasn't that slow.  "Tomorrow morning, we start from here, follow
the trail around for a short distance."  His finger inched along the
dots of the trail line, not terribly far.  "When we get to the regular
trail, we go across, do a little scrambling until we reach this valley
here..."  I had to lean over and look to make sure I had the right one.
"Got it?" Dad confirmed, and we nodded.  "Then, we go carefully down the
valley until almost in sight of the road, or in sight of it and back up
a bit, and spend the night there.  That's the last night, and the last
campsite, and we're going there so we can take a shortcut back to the
showers the next morning," he grinned, to general approval.

***
20:17 8 Aug

     "Madame Toussaud's is a wax museum, not a fashion house!" Amy
complained, as we walked, as we played.
     "Are you sure?" Mike asked.
     "Of course I'm sure!" Amy boasted.
     "Okay, um..."
     "Madame Devon-yuh," I suggested.
     "Right, so it's at Madame Devon-yuh's house of ladies' fashion,"
Mike picked up, "says the guy, and then he looks at you," he pointed at
Dan, "and lifts an eyebrow."
     "I am a consulting detective, engaged by the Countess," Dan said in
mild tones.  "And this is my butler."
     "Sah," I agreed, and tipped my hat.  Well, my wok.

***
02:44 9 Aug

    The problem with solar cells is that they did not work so well when
there was no sun.  And radios do not transmit under any circumstances
without electrical power, and we didn't have crystal sets to receive
either.  Dad had come up with one of his elegant hacks, which was of
course small, technically clever, worked well, and was painful to his
children; a tiny hand-cranked generator that would, if worked for
sufficiently long enough to make your arm fall off, charge a set of
batteries.
     Then you could put in another set and switch arms and make your
other arm fall off.  Other than that, it was lovely, quiet and still.

***
07:11 9 Aug

     "Water bags today, like yesterday, the place we're going has no
water.  A quick lunch - everyone's got MRE's, right?"  I nodded for our
team, and looked at Dana and Jim to make sure they nodded too.  I didn't
want to wait for them to cook today, since I had nothing left to cook
with.  MRE's the rest of the trip, alas.
     Life on the trail, or road, was a lot easier when you had no real
food left except condiments; it made the pack lighter.  And MRE's were
definitely not real food.  As compensation, the sun was coming out,
which meant it was going to be a very steamy day.

***
21:19 9 Aug

     I realized as I wriggled into a comfortable sleeping position that
this trip had gone possibly better than any other previous - nobody
wounded, no asthma attacks to scare the crap out of everyone since we
were well away from a hospital, no horrible arguments to deal with, and
even the pack seemed easier to handle this year.
     And Amy to cuddle with at night, and Mike and Dan to team with.

***
06:04 10 Aug

     "Wake up, wake up," someone said into our tent, and I did almost
instantly.  I tapped Amy on the shoulder as I sat up, and then it was
time to get dressed so we could go to the latrine for the last time.
     Going home, as soon as we got to the cars.

***
07:04 10 Aug

     "Road march again, so pull out the triangles and reflectors," Dad
said and waited.
     When we'd all done that, the kids taking what seemed like forever,
Dad continued, "And when we get there, we take showers, load up in the
vehicles long enough to get to the lodge, eat lunch in the restaurant
there, and then go home."  There were cheers.

***
10:09 10 Aug

     The custom was, first team to get to the showers was the first team
that got to shower, once everyone else got there - we didn't care to
leave our packs unguarded, nor did we want to carry them any more at
this point in the trip, so we had to shower in teams too - and so I'd
gotten some upset faces when I held my team back.
     Until now.  I raised my hand up for a stop, looked back to make
sure they were all paying attention, and then pumped my arm and pointed
forward.
     "High speed sprint?" Dan asked, and I nodded with a grin.
     The silence thing was kind of addictive after a while, I noticed.

***
11:22 10 Aug

     And there it was - the shower building.  I stuck my fingers in my
mouth and whistled excitedly, and then had to wait an excruciatingly
long time before the rest of them caught up.  But there was absolutely
no doubt we'd made it first.  Dad and Brian were handicapped with the
two kids, who had started good but burned out, and Dana and Jim were not
apparently that eager to take showers, or at least not enough to attempt
to catch us.  Not that they could have anyway.
     The number of people around, though, was kind of scary-feeling.
And they kept looking at us like we were weirdos or something.

***
11:34 10 Aug

     Amy hit my shoulder a few times to get my attention, and then she
was pointing at-
     I laughed and nodded, and we dashed off before anyone noticed.

***
11:38 10 Aug

     I hadn't meant to, but the hot water sluicing off the top layer of
goo extracted a heartfelt, "Oh godddddddddd," from me, before I started
to really itch and grabbed for the loofah I'd known I'd need at this
point.  Which was why it was packed in my go-home bag.

***
11:48 10 Aug

     I had just finished shaving my legs and handed the razor to Amy
when we heard Dana calling over the water noises, "Amy?"
     I elbowed her, and she called out, "Yeah?"
     "Have you seen Tuck?  Mike and Dan don't know where he is."
     I didn't want to laugh, but it was Amy that started first.
     Dana's semi-outraged, "Eu- Tuck!?  What are you DOING?" just made
me laugh harder.
     Amy managed to gasp out over the noise, "Al-always stick with your
partner!" which I didn't think was going to help matters any, but was
even funnier.

***
12:09 10 Aug

     I still couldn't look at Amy without laughing, as everyone glared
at the two of us in various versions of disgust when they remembered to,
but it was still too close to Going Home for anyone to stay mad for
long.  Plus, most of them hadn't showered yet.
     Due to one of those hive-like mutual meetings of the minds, we'd
all brought black fatigue pants - I'd borrowed one of Amy's pairs in
exchange for another five bucks off the cost - in our go-home bags, and
Amy and I were still wearing our harness over fresh black tanks, as was
Dan, and Mike was wearing a black T shirt each under their harnesses.
And we all had our berets on.
     Which, now that I thought of it, was a damned good picture to take
back with me.  I felt completely badass at that moment, as well as
almost infinitely cleaner.

***
12:37 10 Aug

     Once we had everyone back out of the showers, and by coincidence
that I wasn't going to mention everyone seemed to have forgotten where I
showered, it was time to invade the restaurant.  My team had already
prepared for this by moving the medical butt pack from its usual
rear-end-covering location to the top of the rear side of the harness,
which meant we could sit in a regular chair.
     Dad just glowered at us, but he couldn't say- well, he could have,
but I guess he chose not to.  Or something.
     Brian, however, had no problems saying, "You look like dorks, you
know that?"  He should talk, I thought; he'd gone preppy-clothed.
     "You wanna step over here and say that?" Mike asked.
     "Nnnnno, not really!" Brian said confidently, like we'd wanted his
opinion on the matter.  "And you still look like dorks no matter where I
stand."
     "Cork it, prep boy," I suggested.
     "It speaks!  Curses, I thought you'd gone permanently mute!"
     It was amazing how much energy we both had when not carrying
eighteen hundred pounds on our backs.  I almost caught him.

***
12:43 10 Aug

     Purely by coincidence I'm sure, the four of us had one table,
waaaaay on the other side of the restaurant from the other six of them.
And Dad had made us lock our staves and parangs in the back of Dana's
vehicle before we ate too, which was ill-spirited of him.
     Though I'd insisted the berets come off when we came inside, on
account of a restaurant counted as a covered area, before Dad could.
     "Greens!" I insisted.
     "Meat!" Mike insisted.
     Amy insisted, "Shut up and order!"
     "Meat," Dan told the waitress, indicating with his hands that he
wanted about a six-kilo lump of it.  "BIG meat.  Medium rare," he added.
     We were getting some looks from some of the people, but they had
that sort of plasticized look that suggested they stayed in the resort
all weekend doing ever-so-important shit on their cellphones and playing
golf and such, so I was more than happy to give them something real to
look at, like us.
     This was the downside to bathing first, but Dad wouldn't let us in
the restaurant, never mind the hostess, if we didn't.

***
13:09 10 Aug

     Nothing like a humongous chef salad plus a vegetable plate to make
your day, after being without fresh anything-except-onions for a week or
so.  Mike and Dan, on the other hands, were chowing down on some
horribly expensive steaks, and Amy was split between me and them, sort
of, with a halfway decent meatloaf.  And it was all disappearing fast.
     I was sincerely glad Dad had mentioned to our waiter that he was
getting the check for our table; else, we might have had to run for it
after we finished, which would have not improved my digestion one bit.
     "Iiiiii," I sang softly, "don't have to cooooook thisssss!"
     "Thank Buddha," Mike said, and Dan started to cross himself,
realized Mike had mentioned someone else, and then locked up trying to
figure out what combination of touches would honor the Buddha.  Or one
of them.
     "Rub your belly in thanks," I suggested, and we all did.  Then we
got back to eating.
     "Weeeeeee," Mike sang after inhaling some more, "don't have to
cleeeean this eeeeeeither," and we all rubbed our bellies again.

***
14:18 10 Aug

     I sort of felt like bathing again, but I knew that was just
hallucination, caused by not bathing for several days.  I'd certainly
scrubbed down to the pink all over - Amy had checked - and there wasn't
much more I could take off without bleeding.
     Amy and I were standing around the cars talking, as Mike and Dan
bargained inside with Dad for a doggie bag - a sled-doggie bag, for the
entire team - when some kids, tender lads about Brian's age, sort of
sidled up to us. "Hey, whassup?" asked one of them as the other one
smiled.
     "Nothin' much," Amy replied.  "Just hangin'."
     "Haven't seen you at the lodge over the weekend," the other one
said, "and we thought we'd checked out all the girls already by Saturday
morning."
     I had to laugh a bit, as the first one was just developing acne and
the other one's voice kept breaking.  Utterly hunky babe magnets not.
     Amy answered, "Yeah, we were hiking until this morning, all last
week, since last Sunday.  The big backpacking loop trail."
     "For real?" the first one asked.
     "Is that why you're dressed like that?" the second one asked.
     That made us both laugh.  "Hell, no!  You should have seen what-"
     "SMELLED it," Amy interrupted, "we hadn't been able to bathe the
whole time, dude!  You're lucky we hit the showers first!" and we all
laughed.

***
14:20 10 Aug

     "Ooooh, tennis," I smirked.
     "Hey MIKE!" Amy called, and she waved as I turned to look and then
waved too.
     "Trouble?" Mike asked over the radio link.
     I keyed in Morse, <Bored kids from the lodge.>
     "Hey, uh, later," said the first one, and they both took off before
Mike and Dan got there, not holding food bags.
     "What the hell was that?" Dan asked, looking after them.

***
14:31 10 Aug

     "I just want to get home and sleep," I told them.
     "Maybe a McDonald's or something?" Mike asked.
     "Just don't wake me up."  So much for butch-ness.  I hated my life.

***
17:14 10 Aug

     Back home, at last.  Land of flush toilets, hot water heaters,
water PIPES, and telecommunications.
     And Mom and Susan, as soon as we opened the front door.

***
17:26 10 Aug

     "We partied until we DROPPED, man!" Susan asserted.
     "Susan!" Mom protested, and then made the mistake of giggling.
     "Oh NO!" Dad said.  "Who was he?"
     "Which one?" Susan asked, looking innocent.  "There were so man-
Erk," she said as Dad trapped her in a semi-real headlock.
     "What did you do to my sweet innocent wife!" Dad demanded, which
made Mom almost fall off her feet laughing.  I immediately plugged my
ears and ran, not wanting to hear any more of that, or see it either.
     And, having heard the kitchen air conditioner going, I headed that
way and found what was waiting for us dashing explorers in the kitchen.
And far too many dashing explorers clustered around it.  "Hey!  Get off
that!" I complained, then glanced at the refrigerator out of habit.
They'd put up a new flash card while we were gone, of course, so I
memorized it.
     "We cooked," Mom said as she came in, before kissing my father in a
disgustingly lewd display of 'affection'.
     "Ugh, stop that!  Get a room or something!" Susan complained.
"Salad, roast beef, beets, mashed potatoes - homemade, I might add,"
which made me smile, "and baked potatoes, green bean casserole, and a
zucchini stew thing. Plus TWO PIES for dessert," she grinned.
     "Thank you VERY MUCH, Susan," I said, certain that the pigs behind
me wouldn't have remembered anything about thanking her, except maybe
Amy.  I would have said the same thing to Mom, but she was still doing
gross things with, or on, Dad.  I got the impression they'd missed each
other, or something else bizarre.

***
17:30 10 Aug

     I stepped off the scale.  "See?  Two pounds."  If we did this after
we ate, it'd look like I hadn't lost any at all.
     "Let me see!" demanded Amy.

***
17:58 10 Aug

     "And we did some baking, but we ate all the cookies before you got
back," Susan grinned as we protested, nonverbally because we were intent
on eating, whereas Mom and Susan acted as if they hadn't been carrying
five hundred pound packs for a continuous week.
     "We baked Monday night and they were gone by Thursday," Mom
giggled.
     "We're SO bad," Susan grinned back at Mom.
     "Next time," Brian said to Susan, "YOU go camping and _I_ stay home
and eat cookies 'til I pork out."  I had to admit, he had a point.

***
18:55 10 Aug

     "Good trip?" Dad asked Dave and Tim.
     They thought about it, but it was Tim who said first, "Yeah, good
trip," echoed moments later by Dave.  I had to agree with them.

***


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+ ==[--------   Ellen Hayes   @>--,--'---      ellen@barkingduck.net +
PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313  6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC
+ http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +


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