To my faithful, to my happiness. If I knew you were there to read it I could write forever. It amazes me what we forget. When I was a teenager I wrote a lot as well. I found some things I had written when I was 16 or so. Here is the last thing I found. I had an old foot locker in my bedroom when I was a teenager. I kept all my writing, playboy books, etc. in it. I found the locker in the garage – mostly rotted to pieces and about 90% of its contents ruined by water and mice – but this oddly enough was entirely intact. I hope you enjoy reading what I have to write. Sometimes it feels like my only way to ever touch you and hold you to me. 

Get me out of here
I want to go where no one knows
The hell and pain I carry through every day
This split demon I wrestle with every day
Sometimes my souls feels so tired and broken
It’s as if I am already dead
I see the faces that are gone now
I feel the cold ache of being alone
I always knew I’d be alone
Singled out by no less than fate
I truly believe god exists
I also believe there are some of us he simply refuses to recognize
When I die I don’t want to go to heaven
I want to sleep
Deeply and sweetly
I want the world to slow down and then finally
Stop
I don’t want to spend some hellish eternity
Begging on my knees, scratching at the eyes and crying
I touched heaven briefly – in the front seat of my old grey Pontiac
It was wet and warm, slightly sticky and fragrant
I touched hell the very same night not too long ago
When I told her goodbye
I’ve made company with solitude too many times
The hell I suffer is defined by being alone
I feel that god makes it impossible for some of us to ever find a soulmate
Because he creates some of us without souls
In the end there is truly no love for this devil
Damnation is soft hair, blue eyes, pink cotton panties
Tasting it all once
Wanting it again forever
Even a man without a soul has a heart
Once that is broken nothing really remains
I wish I were a snake
Lying low in the cool grass
Unseen in the dark
Watching
A predator whose every love is consumed and not to be lost
For there is always another soon to come.
Until the end
And at the end
Peace
I regret that I didn’t take the opportunity I had
I regret that I didn’t fuck her like an animal
I regret wanting to love her and covet her
Instead of just having her and being able to walk away
I doubt I will ever develop that ability
Maybe I am wrong
Time seems to be the only thing in this world that is truly mine
So in time I’ll see

le - 1988