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Child Brides of India Ch 4
By C. Stanton Leman
Chapter 4: Meeting Adib (slow, no sex)
Last night, after my meeting with the Imam at the Jama
Masjiid mosque, and a heated discussion after dinner
with my parents, my Dad called Adib Haaseem to arrange
the long debated and awaited meeting between Mr.
Haaseem, my father and I to discuss the
'introduction,' as it was now called, between Adib's
daughter, Sarah and I.
Because the 'Sabbath,' for lack of a better word, for
Muslims is Friday, we agreed to meet Saturday morning
at 10am here, at our home in Dad's study. He did
request that my mother not be present, because these
matters were customarily handled between men. My mom
was a little insulted, but acquiesced, deferring to
Islamic tradition.
Dad said that Mr. Haaseem was elated, praised Allah
for answering his prayers, would pray for a cordial
'meeting of the minds,' and would see us promptly at
ten on Saturday. This gave us a full day's respite
tomorrow which my mother proclaimed as a 'mother/son
day' to begin after morning prayers and breakfast. My
father said that was fine, he had business matters to
attend to anyway.
It was the middle of June, and the weather was warm
and humid. New Delhi, like many other ancient Asian
cities, has the juxtaposition of ancient and modern
architecture in close proximity. It is, in a lot of
places, dirty, dusty and filled with throngs of people
going about their daily lives. We started out our day
by seeing a couple of Hindu temples, had a pleasant
lunch at a sidewalk café, and visited a few shopping
bazaars.
While we were walking in a local park, my mother got
quiet all of a sudden. We stopped to sit for a moment,
and she looked at me and smiled. She placed her palm
to the side of my cheek and said, "I fear I'm going to
loose you to this strange and mysterious land…
You know… you're my single most precious contribution
to this world. You, my son, are my greatest
accomplishment in life!
I know that your father helped mold you, along with
your incredible mind and education, but I gave you
life. You are of my flesh. I can sometimes actually
feel what you think and feel. I know you better than
anyone, and I'll always be there for you: always.
I feel something is going to happen to change our
lives forever. I don't know what, but for some strange
reason, I strangely feel a calm about it. Maybe it's
silly women's intuition gone awry, I don't know… just
a feeling is all." With that, she wiped a tear from
her cheek, composed herself and looked at me with a
smile.
Softly wiping away an errant tear from her cheek with
my finger, I said lovingly, "Mom? I don't know what to
say, except that I love you. With all the outward
appearances of a confident brainiac, I have
insecurities that I couldn't have dealt with if it
hadn't been for your understanding and support. No
matter what happens here, or anywhere else in the
world, I know you will always be there for me and I
for you, if I can. I love you mother, I deeply, deeply
love you."
On the way home, our conversation in the park wasn't
mentioned again as talk returned to the exotic sites,
sounds and surroundings.
Upon arriving home, I showered and prayed my evening
prayers with all the special supplications for the
events to follow. I went to the study, where mom and
dad were watching a movie, told them I wanted to
retire early, and went to bed.
Restless, I laid awake thinking of Sarah, and what she
must be going through. At 18, I have a lot of
insecurities when it comes to meeting women, and she's
undoubtedly feeling the same, if not more. I then
decided to ask Adib for a 'variance' in the actual
method of our introduction, if there was one. I would
suggest that instead of the two of us going off to a
corner of the room, within earshot of all present,
that we take a more informal, less stressful approach
and work the verbal 'feeling each other out' into the
normal, casual conversation normally encountered in a
social setting. In this way, I could gauge her
demeanor and carriage in an adult environment, along
with social and verbal skill. It might also alleviate
some of her tension and stress level—it wouldn't hurt
mine either.
After my morning ablutions and prayers, I donned a
business suit, and then went downstairs to awaiting
parents for breakfast. Dad, being more nervous than
either my mom or I, was rambling on about staying
calm, keeping your cool, not making rash decisions
under emotional stress, and on, and on… My mom finally
said "John. Shut the hell up and eat your breakfast!"
Shortly before ten, I asked my father to let me take
the lead and do most of the talking. I continued by
saying that he could sit back, watch the dynamic and
critique me later. This initial interaction would have
a direct bearing on what tone our future working
relationship might take on, and he agreed.
Mr. Haaseem arrived promptly at ten, ringing the
doorbell. I walked behind my father to the door to
formally greet the man I'd met for the first time over
a year ago in Washington, D. C.
We exchanged greetings, handshakes, and all the other
pleasantries of etiquette, and then proceeded to the
study. Dad asked Pita, our maid, to bring a pot of
tea.
Mr. Haaseem was as I remembered him. He had a
wheatish, ruddy complexion, not too tall: maybe 5'
10", and carried a little weight on him with a slight
stomach, probably about 190 pounds. Slightly balding,
he had black, wavy hair that was starting to grey at
the temples. He was personable with a warm, friendly
smile that came easily.
Standing next to him, in contrast, my father stands 6'
4" tall, an average Caucasian complexion, medium brown
hair speckled with grey throughout, and maybe 220
pounds with a solid - not heavy, but solid frame.
We sat, dad on one end of the sofa, Adib on the other
end, with me in an armchair between and facing the
two. My father broke the awkward silence of waiting to
see who'd begin by saying, "Well Adib, here we are:
you, me and Sean, just as you requested. Before we go
any further, I make one request of you, my friend, be
completely open, honest and forthright in this matter—
just like we do in business. I know this is, using
your own words, 'a matter close to your heart,' but I
feel the time for subtlety is over. Let's discuss this
with open hearts, open minds, and open communication.
Don't you agree?"
"Yes, John," Adib began, "I agree. I
first must
apologize for the way I approached the matter. I was
thinking more about our custom, and not properly
considering your customs in these matters. I should
have approached you in a more understanding way, and
again, I apologize.
We have been friends a long time, and regardless of
the outcome this morning, we, I hope will continue to
be good friends. Sean, you are new to my country and
the business, and my feelings toward you are the same
as toward your father. I have great respect and
admiration for you, otherwise I wouldn't have even
considered making such a request of you."
I began, "Mr. Haaseem--"
He cut quickly cut me off saying "Adib. Call me
Adib."
"Adib," I began again, " just so there's
no
misunderstanding culturally or otherwise, please tell
me exactly why you want me to meet Sarah, and what do
you hope will come of our meeting?"
"Again Sean, I apologize for abruptly raising the
issue, but in all openness, I would hope that your
meeting Sarah might lead to a courtship and possibly
marriage."
"Good!" My Dad said. "Now it's truly out
in the open."
I started again, "I think I have a pretty good
sense
as to why you may feel that I might, in some way, be a
compatible spouse for your daughter, since you've had
the advantage of 'following my progress.' Anyway, I
have no such knowledge of Sarah, and I feel that
today's discussion is for me to basically get a sense
for who Sarah is. Am I correct in saying so?"
"Yes, it is."
"Before I proceed, if I make a mistake, or offend
you
in any way, please forgive me. Even though I've met
with an Imam for instruction and guidance on these
procedures, if I err, it is unintentional."
"I'm sure you'll be guided by Allah's wisdom, peace
be
upon Him," Adib replied.
"Let's just talk generally about Sarah. How old is
she, and if she's still in school, what grade is she
in?"
"Sarah is 16, She's an advanced student, she will
finish high school this year." With that, I glanced at
my father, and I could see a sigh of relief on his
face.
"So, what little I know of the Indian grade
structure,
that means she's about 2 years advanced academically?"
"Yes, that's right."
"What I'd like for you to do now, is simply talk
about
your daughter as if your talking to a new friend, and
being the proud parent, explaining how you feel about
her and the qualities she has that make you so proud
of her. If I want to ask a question, I'll jump in.
That way our time together won't seem so much like a
question/answer session similar to a police
interrogation. By doing things this way, I feel that
we're treating Sarah with more respect, and not so
much like something to be 'negotiated.' Don't you
agree?"
"You are most kind, and I thank you for thinking of
her so graciously. Now, where to begin?"
"Just talk about Sarah."
"Well… Sarah is my first born of two daughters.
She's
16, had a good mind and is an excellent student that
gets high marks at school, is 2 years advanced in her
studies, and she will graduate this year from
secondary high school. She's about 5' 6" tall with
dark brown, shoulder length hair, warm, friendly brown
eyes. Although she is of a… fuller figure, she's not
what you would call heavy: maybe, how do you say it,
athletic perhaps?
Sarah is close to all in her family, does her chores
and helps her mother willingly and without complaint
She's a good natured, quiet girl who is pious, humble,
and chaste. She has not been allowed to 'date,' as you
call it, but has several girl friends. As you may well
know, being younger than her classmates, she is
somewhat shy. This is one of the reasons I have
considered you because you are acquainted with such
feelings."
With that, I motioned that I wanted to ask a question.
"How well does Sarah interact with her older, fellow
students and adults? Does she accompany you and your
wife to adult social functions, such as the one where
you and I first met?"
Adib replied, "As I said, she is somewhat shy, but
adapts and makes an attempt to fit into her
surroundings, and yes, she has accompanied my wife and
I to several functions."
"And how does she fit in at these types of
functions,
and more immediately, how comfortable with a situation
like the one we're here to discuss?"
"She is somewhat… reserved. By that I mean, she
sometimes finds it awkward to inject herself in
conversation. Let me say in all honestly, that this
may very well be a result of our faith, which
encourages a women to defer to males, other adults
unknowingly overlooking her because of her age, and
unfortunately, here in India, women are usually more
passive in conversation: especially when men are
present. To be specific about the two of you meeting,
my guess, as her father, would be that she's a little
apprehensive. Not because of being around adults, it's
just that she understands that this will be the first
time she actually will be having one-on-one
conversation with a male, and possibly discussing
matters that reveal more of a personal side of
herself."
"I see. Do you know her feelings about meeting a
possible spouse? By that I mean, has she prayed about
this? Is she ready, do you feel, for this, or is it a
situation where she is following your advice because
you feel I'm the right person at the right time in her
life, and by custom, the parents are usually the ones
to take the lead in these matters?"
'Yes, she has prayed: both in solitude and with my
wife concerning this matter. As with all parents who
have discussions with their children of matters that
are of an intimate manner, Salima, my wife, has
lovingly explained the reasons and process every
Muslim girl goes through to become acquainted with and
joined to a man for lifelong marriage. Sarah is also
aware that, with her entering the concluding years of
her education, it is time for her to consider these
matters in her life."
Adib paused, as if waiting for my comment. I then
leaned forward in my chair a little with my hands
clasped together and said, "I'd like to ask you a few
final questions, and then, possibly a few observations
and comments and I'd like you to be painfully honest.
OK?"
Looking me straight in the eyes, he replied, "I
will
do my best."
"Alright then." I began again, "If you
were to go home
today, and tell Sarah that I didn't wish to proceed
with a meeting for the purpose of a possible marriage,
how do you think she'll feel? What do you anticipate
her reaction to be?"
"You are candidly asking me to reveal her
weaknesses
aren't you"
He knew what I was asking. How will she deal with an
adult topic, for the first time concerning a man; with
the adult reality of life that comes with rejection?
My thoughts genuinely turned to Sarah. I vowed to be
kind and respectful of Sarah, regardless of what I
wanted to know, so I replied, "Believe it or not, I am
thinking of her mental and emotional welfare. I THINK
I may understand what she might feel, this being her
first experience with the process of courtship and
marriage, but I'd like to hear it from one who knows
her heart."
With this, Adib eased a little in his chair and said,
"You are a kind and gracious man, and my respect and
admiration of you is increased ten-fold. To answer you
frankly, I believe that a rejection today would be
harder for her to bear. I say this because Sarah might
feel that she hasn't been given the opportunity for
you to really see her as a person, and then, having
had a glimpse of one another, deciding that it was not
in Allah's will, peace be upon Him, for any further
relationship."
"Adib, I thank you for your candor. I feel I have
enough information to make some decisions. Before you
jump to any conclusions, let me finish what I have to
say, alright?"
"Yes, I understand."
"Let me begin by saying, that unfortunately, I do
not
believe that Sarah and I would make a very compatible
couple, and here's why. Although Sarah is two years
advanced in school, we are nowhere close to being
academically compatible. Being only two years younger
than her peers, this should not, in my experience,
pose any real alienation from them. In America, boys
and girls of this age range are more than capable of
meeting as relative equals both academically and
socially. The insecurity she is experiencing may
simply be she lacks the confidence to inject herself
to demonstrate her equality with them.
As for dealing with adults, you are aware that a
person, regardless of age, has to WANT to participate
in social interaction if they are to be acknowledged
and included. Since I will be taking over my father's
assets here in India, I will need a spouse who can
show a maturity—regardless of her age—to stand on her
own in these adult social settings and contribute to
her husband's endeavors.
Having said that, I vowed to myself, and made a
promise to Allah, peace be upon Him, that I would
genuinely look upon Sarah as a person, and treat her
with the dignity and respect one should give a woman
of faith.
In keeping with these promises, I will agree to your
family's introduction of Sarah and I for a couple of
reasons. First, I truly believe that you feel Allah,
peace be upon Him, has moved your heart to be where
we, meaning your family and mine and specifically
Sarah and I, are at this point in time. For that
reason, Sarah may feel this way also, I don't know if
she feels Allah, praise be to Him, has led her heart
in this direction also. If she feels so moved, she
may, at our meeting, with God's help, exhibit a
strength, maturity and decisiveness that she hasn't
before displayed. Who can know the will of Allah,
peace be upon Him? Finally, I'll treat Sarah as a
person, with respect and not dismiss her as we would a
business proposition that should be shelved. With that
said, unless we, meaning you, your wife, my parents
and I can see the movement of God's hand in all of
this, there will, in my opinion, be no courtship or
marriage. Does this seem fair and reasonable to you?"
"Again, Sean, My heart soars with admiration and
respect for you in this matter. You have clearly shown
a maturity and sensitivity beyond your years. You have
endeared a lifelong friend in me."
I smiled and looking at my father, who up to this
point had surprisingly kept absolutely quiet, smiled
also. I know what he was thinking: a win/win for
everybody.
To finish up, I again began. "Now that we've agreed
to
an introduction, I have a favor to ask of you, dear
friend."
Adib smiling, said, "If it's in my power to grant,
anything."
"To make things less stressful, especially with
both
families looking on, I'd like to request that, instead
of Sarah and I going off to a corner of the room
within earshot of everyone, that we get to know one
another more casually in the mood befitting a dinner
between families. This can best be determined by our
initial conversation before dinner, If she's too
nervous about a one-on-one situation, we can use the
informal approach. Questions and answers can be easily
carried on by normal conversation before, during and
after dinner. This might help keep Sarah from feeling
self-conscious and less intimidated in the presence of
a man. What do you think of the idea, or is it too…
breaking with tradition?"
"You have given my daughter great respect with your
thoughtful kindness. I agree, I think it best as you
have suggested."
"Fine." I said, standing up and extending my
hand to
close our meeting, "Now with that out of the way, when
do we meet each other's family for dinner?"
Sarah, with me and my family are at your
convenience."
I looked at Dad inquiringly, and he said, "I can't
wait to finally meet your family! How about tomorrow
evening? Say, seven o'clock?"
Adib, shaking my father's hand said, "Seven it
is!"
Making our way out of the study to see Adib out, we
praised Allah and made our obligatory farewells.
When Adib had left, we proceeded to the kitchen for
lunch, and I turned to Dad and said, "Well?"
He smiled and said, "Considering the subject matter
under discussion, I couldn't have done better myself.
In fact, I could never have anticipated or even
planned that outcome. I'm very proud of you son: very
proud.
Now, let's get some lunch and fill your mother in on
the details: she has a dinner to plan."
Over lunch, I filled Mom in on the details of our
meeting with Adib. She took everything I'd said rather
calmly, and praised me for my concern for Sarah's
feelings. But about the resulting dinner that we had
set for tomorrow evening, my mother jokingly said she
was going to punish both of us for such an impromptu
gathering. She said that we had 'volunteered our great
organizational skills' to help organize everything so
that we all, at least, had time to dress and get
ready.
After lunch, Mom quickly made a list of the necessary
items needed for the dinner, then began barking out
orders and handing out assignments like an assembly
line foreman. She was used to performing this task
considering the many times she'd had to entertain my
father's prospective and current clients. And so it
was, each of us off to do the 'master's' bidding.
Continued in Chapter 5…
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