Celestial Reviews 79 - April 27, 1996

      Occupation or Maries Hospitality by Wollstonecraft
            (rape & pregnancy) 10, 10, 10
      The Wild Heart by Madeline Winter (voyeurism &
            small orgy) 10, 8, 8
      Lycra Slut Letters by Suzie Sleaze (exhibitionism)
            8, 6, 5
      Lady Chatterlys Lover by D.H. Lawrence (classic sex
            novel) 10, 10, 10
      Dilbert : The Dongbert Zone by Deidre Ng (humor)
            10, 8, 10
      Proposition by D.A. Ignatius (sexual fantasy) 8, 5, 5
      Point of View by Martine Glowinski (romance)
            9, 8, 8
      Let Your Fingers Do the Riding by Solo Polyphony 
            (masturbation & exhibitionism) 10, 10, 10
      Geology 101 by Timer (masturbation, exhibitionism,
            etc.) 10, 9.5, 9.5
      Connecting Through the Wall by Peter V. Principle
            (romance & voyeurism) 10, 9.5, 10
      Fuck Me Pastor by Emma Ness (sex with the
            pastor) 8, 5, 5

Occupation or Maries Hospitality by Wollstonecraft 
(an285729@anon.penet.fi).  Some of you may already know this, but Mary 
Wollstonecraft was an early British feminist author whose 237th 
birthday is celebrated today. Her Vindication of the Rights of Women, 
a polemic essay that rivaled the work of Edmund Burke, influenced many 
19th-century suffragists.  She married the writer and philosopher 
William Godwin in 1797; but died just a few months later, 11 days after 
giving birth to Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, the future author of 
Frankenstein and wife of the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley.  It seems 
likely that the author of the present story is named after the latter, 
who eloped in 1814 with Shelley to Europe and married him after the 
suicide in 1816 of his first wife.  Never say that you dont learn 
useful things here in Celestial Reviews.

In this story Marie is being molested by a soldier, while her husband 
literally sits by and lets it happen.  The soldier is from the army of 
liberation; and the husband reasons that the least Marie can do is be 
hospitable to the poor guy, since hell probably get his brains blown 
out the next day fighting for their freedom.  And besides, its not 
good policy to say no to big guys with guns, especially when the guys 
army is occupying the town.  This is an interesting, thought-provoking 
story - sort of a combination of Mary Shelley and H.H. Munro (Saki) - 
which means that it has a surprise ending.

Ratings for "Occupation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

The Wild Heart by Madeline Winter (http://users.aol.com/specpress). 
The marriage of Axel and Greta - a teacher and an architect - has 
become prosaic. The Swedish husband and wife have gone to the Palace 
Hotel to spice up their love life and have met  a friendly Danish 
couple in the night club.  The wife lusts for the Danish husband; and 
it happens that he has extended to her husband an invitation to attend 
a private sex party at their estate the next evening.  The two couples 
engage in rollicking sex and voyeurism, first in spouse-to-spouse 
mating and then changing partners.  Its impossible to tell at the end 
of the episode whether this has had the desired restorative effect on 
their relationship.  I suppose later chapters might shed light on this 
issue.

Ratings for " The Wild Heart "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

 Lycra Slut Letters by Suzie Sleaze (101445.2670@compuserve.com).  
The Lycra Slut Letters are written in the form of correspondence from 
an exhibitionistic wife to her husband, who is away on a trip or 
something like that.  The letters are largely incoherent, but thats 
deliberate - Suzie is not supposed to be a rocket scientist; she writes 
to pleaZE.  The intended audience consists of voyeuristic readers who 
presumably would enjoy hearing about the fantasies and real escapades 
of the horny couple.  In addition to a lot of off-the-wall innuendo, 
the letter I reviewed consisted mostly of a description of Suzie 
juicing herself up in a restaurant in the presence of a Stranger, while 
her husband watched the sequence from a separate table.  Everybody 
bangs happily.

I guess this is a decent story of this genre.  It just seems to me that 
this kind of stuff would be really easy to write.  I find greater 
enjoyment in stories with a little more subtlety to the plot. Its a 
taste thing; somebody else might really like this story. Oh well, 
whatever creams your twinkie!

Ratings for "Lycra Slut Letters"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

Lady Chatterlys Lover by D.H. Lawrence 
(http://users.aol.com/specpress). This novel was first published in 
1928 in a privately printed edition in Italy.  I read it when I was in 
college, mostly because I heard it had been banned in Boston.  Weve 
come a long way in erotic literature since then; but this is still an 
outstanding novel.  As a rule of thumb, you should never pay any 
attention at all to an English teacher who admires The Great Gatsby 
and Daisy Miller but has never read Lady Chatterly.

Lady Chatterly is the wife of a British industrialist who has been 
paralyzed below the waist by war wounds. D.H. Lawrence was a symbolism 
nut (His most famous short story is The Rocking-Horse Winner, which 
actually makes it into libraries and classrooms throughout the United 
States because the censors think its about a kid who likes to ride 
horses); and Mr. Chatterly serves as a metaphor for upper-class 
impotence.  Imagine that!  They had that problem in England back in 
1928!  Constance (Lady) Chatterly finds fulfillment in a sexual union 
with Mellors, her husband's gamekeeper. This relationship expresses the 
author's belief in the health of physical life freed from social 
constraint.  At the time he wrote the novel, Lawrence's descriptions of 
sexual activity were the most explicit, lyrical descriptions of sex 
outside the bible; and this, of course, led to his prosecution for 
obscenity in the United States, Britain, and Canada between 1959 and 
1962.

The preceding paragraph was adapted from a book report I wrote many 
years ago, and which received a grade of A in a Catholic college.  
Imagine that!  The teacher was a priest!  Imagine that!  He must have 
liked my references to symbolism.  He thought Gatsby and Miller 
sucked donkeys - although he used a different metaphor that was more 
common at that time.  Hes no longer a priest, but he is married to an 
ex-nun. Imagine that!  I still see him occasionally;  and he says that 
his only regret is that he didnt marry an ex-nun whose name was Sister 
John Thomas.  {This is inside humor.  There almost certainly have been 
several nuns in the United States with that name; and Lady Chatterly 
is the first place in print where I ever saw the male genitalia 
referred to as John Thomas.}  Actually, theres a reasonable 
possibility that this former mentor might be lurking on a.s.s. and 
reading this review.  If so, I trust he wont blow my cover.  I also 
wish to apologize to anyone named Sister John Thomas who happens to 
read this review.

I DONT think Lady Chatterly is better than some of the other stories 
that I have reviewed for this newsgroup.  Its appeal arises largely 
from its historical significance.  On the other hand, it IS still a 
damned good story, as this excerpt will demonstrate.

Anyway, if you have never read Lady Chatterly, you should take this 
opportunity to sample Chapter 14 for free.  Spectrum gets my Public 
Service Award for making this book readily available to the general 
public.

Ratings for "Lady Chatterlys Lover"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

Dilbert : The Dongbert Zone by Deidre Ng (deidreng@aol.com).  This 
posting represents a slightly different literary genre than that 
discussed in my previous review (Lady Chatterlys Lover).  
Specifically, this is a series of cartoon strips without the cartoons.  
However, if you are familiar with the Dilbert cartoon series, its 
simple enough to use your imagination to supply the drawings.  For 
example, Dongbert is simply Dilbert with a specific part of his anatomy 
enlarged.  The same goes for Cuntbert, Assbert, and the other 
characters.  Catbert retains his/her original appearance, since cats 
are already the highest form of life.  I am going to make no further 
attempt to describe this creative attempt at sexual humor.

Shortly after Deidre posted this series of cartoons, she received a 
terse, unpleasant e-mail message from Assbert himself, denouncing her 
for violating the sacred image of Dilbert.  The message would have been 
sort of cute, until I realized the author was serious.  Good Grief, 
this is satire!  And pretty good satire.

Ratings for "Dilbert : The Dongbert Zone"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

Proposition by D.A. Ignatius (jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu).  In her 
introduction the author debates whether this is a story or a letter.  
She decided to post it as a story, but I would have voted for a letter.  
I did not enjoy this as much as the other DarkNites stories, because I 
had trouble getting a perspective on the plot.  I think most readers 
have a problem with second-person narratives; its simply difficult for 
the reader to identify with the person labeled you.  In addition, the 
present story has characters known as M. and K., and I couldnt even 
ascertain such basic details as whether they were male or female.

The plot is simple.  The writer of the letter is horny as hell and 
wants to get together with the recipient and fuck for a couple of days.  
I guess that aint all bad!

Ratings for "Proposition"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5


 Point of View by Martine Glowinski (http://users.aol.com/specpress).  
This is an excerpt from another Spectrum novel.  The title of this 
chapter is A Woman of Passion.  The heroine is a French woman who has 
been the mistress of a wealthy businessman for many years but has 
suddenly become passionately involved with a much younger man.  The sex 
is pretty hot, and the editors did a decent job on the grammar and 
style; and so Ill focus in this review on what I learned about the 
French as lovers from this story.

First, the two lovers initially met at a restaurant called the Cafe des 
Deux Magots on the Left Bank.  Do French lovers really meet at such 
romantic sounding places, or does Magot mean something other than what 
I think it means?

Second, when a young Frenchman has anal sex with his girlfriend, he 
uses olive oil rather than KY Jelly.  Actually, they used an entire 
tube of lip ointment, because they were out of olive oil for this 
unexpected pleasure.  En Amerique, when were out of KY we usually use 
either WD-40 or duct tape.  Wait a minute - maybe thats in American 
prisons....

Third, when the French have sexual relations in places called cinemas, 
the woman customarily puts her panties in her purse; and the 
proprietress is likely to become upset if the couple causes a 
disruption by leaving (coming appears not to be a problem) before the 
show is over.

Actually, I am not really that naive; I just spotted a few anomalies in 
this story.  My knowledge of French lovemaking is fairly extensive; I 
occasionally kiss the way the French invented, and some of my favorite 
activities have French sounding labels that can replace the Anglo-Saxon 
that flows more readily from my lips during the heat of passion.  And I 
really got turned on once by a porn flick that had French music playing 
in the background.  And after all, Celeste is a French name.  But the 
Cafe des Deux Magots on the Left Bank?  That sounds gauche to me.

Ratings for "Point of View"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

Let Your Fingers Do the Riding by Solo Polyphony 
(solo.polyphony@teamhbbs.com).  OK, so heres the story.  A woman is 
riding alone in a subway car late at night.  It is very cold.  She 
pulls her arms and hands inside her jacket and hugs herself to keep 
warm.  One thing leads to another, and pretty soon shes masturbating.  
After all, shes alone in the car. She is rapidly approaching orgasm, 
when she looks up and sees a  man was standing in the aisle about ten 
feet away, his eyes riveted on her crotch, the bulge in his pants 
registering his interest. Their eyes meet. "Sorry to disturb you," he 
says, in the most incredibly gentle voice, I saw what you were doing 
from the next car, and I just couldn't resist coming over to this one 
for a better look."

What can you do when you're faced with a gentlemanly apology like that?  
She does the ladylike thing: "Why don't you
have a seat?" Then she continues with the show.  But first she says, 
"Perhaps you'd like to open your pants and do likewise?"

What can a guy say after a show like that? "Hundred and Tenth!" the man 
exclaims after he ejaculates.  "Oh, shit!  My stop was 96th!"  Ah, the 
vicissitudes of life in the Big Apple!

Ratings for "Let Your Fingers Do the Riding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

Geology 101 by Timer (Timer@pbinet.com).  This may already be obvious 
to you, but the expression, Study hard! can actually have two 
distinct meanings - at least when the words are spoken to a guy.  They 
could mean, WORK hard while you study or BE hard while you study!

If you already knew that one, I suppose youll also see the 
implications of this one:  "Ive got to spend the day boning up for 
geology."

Its not that the story is nothing but a bunch of puns; but I like to 
savor a good play on words when I encounter one.

The story is about a mature (age 28) college student who becomes 
attracted to his geology teacher (age 42), who inspires him to study 
hard by giving him a pair of her panties as study material after he 
jerks her off during an office conference; then she helps him bone up 
on geology by inviting him to her condo for an extra opportunity to 
work hard.  Its pretty sexy stuff.  I especially liked the highly 
descriptive masturbation scenes.

I dont think things like this happen all the often in the typical 
Rocks for Jocks course.  However, after reading this story I am going 
to be a little more careful about the instructions I give my own 
students.  Just yesterday I told them to study hard in their small 
groups.  And now that I think about it, a young man whom I suspect to 
be gay told me last month that he was going home to bone up on Walt 
Whitman.  Imagine that, if you will.

Ratings for "Geology 101"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

Connecting Through the Wall by Peter V. Principle 
(an347524@anon.penet.fi).  Readers who are married with children will 
identify with this story.  The man and his wife are vacationing with 
their children and want to have some romantic sex while the kids are 
sleeping in the same motel room.  Many a time my husband and I have 
been glad to hear the air conditioners compressor kick in to mask any 
noises we might make while we secretly fucked our brains out without 
letting our apparently sleeping daughters know that their parents were 
in heat.  The protagonists in this story have the same problem, and 
they solve it the same way we did.

Afterwards, the man awakens and hears noises in the room next door.  
Apparently another couple is making love there.  The narrator vividly 
describes his own reactions and activities as he listens and imagines 
while these adjacent lovers consummate their union.  Its pretty hot 
stuff.

Ratings for Connecting Through the Wall
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

Fuck Me Pastor by Emma Ness (rbrown@k12.colostate.edu).  Perhaps the 
most interesting part of this story is the authors name.  As she 
herself explains, Just remember that S. & M. is not a name, but Emma 
Ness is.  As a cunning linguist, I would put it more succinctly: Emma 
Ness is her name; S & M is her game.

Emma goes for counselling at St. Peter's Episcopal rectory.  
{Interestingly, when I was in school the Catholics actually used to 
have a feast in honor of St. Peters Erection.  However, I think it had 
more to do with architecture than with anatomy.) Respectable 
Episcopalian clergymen, the author tells us, are almost always horny; 
but they take the longest time about getting around to the point. Look 
at their wives, says the author - uniformly attired in expensive but 
sexless designer outfits, worn with white pantyhose. Frigid cock-
teasers like to wear white pantyhose. I know the pope and the Jesuits 
wear white pantyhose - oops! Im being tasteless about the wrong 
religion.

The sex in this story is not really all that hot.  Ive had much better 
fantasies about the clergyman of my choice while he bored the 
congregation with his homely homily. Im not a theologian, but I dont 
think theres much uniquely Episcopalian about the sex in this story.  
It sort of reminded me of Blazing Baptists.  The author plans to treat 
us to similar treatises about the Lutheran, Presbyterian, and Methodist 
communions in the near future.  However, if you want to mix sex and 
religion, both Wollstonecrafts religious works and the Wild Nun 
stories do a much better job - unless, of course, your religious 
beliefs require you to restrict your sacrilegious thoughts to a 
particular sect.

Ratings for Fuck Me Pastor
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5


