Celestial Reviews 142 - Dec 11, 1996

Note:  For the past year I have been hoping to find time to write a sexy 
story that could teach vocabulary to horny young people who normally 
resist traditional vocabulary instruction.  Really bad teachers tell 
students that they can do better on the SAT by memorizing the definitions 
of a bunch of words.  This approach rarely works.  My plan has been to 
take a subset of those words and put them into a really good story.  Then 
the students would be instructed to read the story at least three times 
before the test.  I’m willing to bet that learners reading my story would 
score better on a test administered, say, a month after the original test 
than would students who were simply told to learn the list of words to 
prepare for a test.

Since I spend so much time reading and reviewing these stories, however, 
it is obvious to me that I’ll never write my story.  So I am proposing 
the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest.  The story can be of any 
length, but students should reasonably be able to (and eager to) read it 
three times in one week.  It should use all of the words on the following 
list.  Preferably, it should use them in creative ways that enable 
learners to see their meaning in context, and it should use the words 
more than once - in fact, as often as possible without becoming silly.  
The story should not be obviously didactic - that is, it should be a 
story about sex, not about learning these words.

If this idea catches on, I’ll be happy to supply to the authors or to 
others a vocabulary test based on these words.  When I announce the 
winners and the authors post the stories, I’ll post the vocabulary test.  
Readers can use the test before and after they read the story to see if 
they actually learn the words.

Since the Christmas holidays are coming up, I’ll give you a generous 
deadline - January 15.  However, as I tell my students, don’t put this 
assignment off until the last minute.  Your best bet is to start now and 
then come back to it many times in the coming weeks.  It IS fair to 
communicate with others and even to take advantage of my proofreading 
service.  If you send me your story early enough, I’ll even give you 
feedback myself.

Here are the words (all taken from one of those SAT study lists): 
acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, blithe, constrict, 
credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, hedonism, impervious, 
incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, redundant.  It’s OK to 
use alternate forms of these words - for example, blithely instead of 
blithe or incredulous for credulous.

All 20 of these are words that intelligent people use when the context 
calls for them (Quite possibly I may have used them here in Celestial 
Reviews.), but most high school students have no idea what they mean.  
They are useful words; and if you write a story with them, at the very 
least YOU will probably learn some functional vocabulary words.

Have fun!  And thanks to Mark Aster for accidentally giving me the 
stimulus to suggest this contest.

Second Note:  I am compiling my Top 100 List for 1996.  It should not 
surprise you to know that “First Love” will probably be on that list.  It 
is still not clear to me who the author is of that story.  I would 
appreciate it if someone would tell me who wrote that story, so that I do 
not have to list it as Unknown Author.

- Celeste

      “One of Those Days?” by Dulcinea (quickie in elevator)
           10, 10, 10
      “Lady Lust” by Unknown Author (ff quickie) 8, 5, 7
      “Dick Van Dyke Show” by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody)
            10, 10, 10
    * “Mary Tyler Moore” by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 
            10, 9. 9
      “The Pennington Case” by Jefferson James (blackmail)
            10, 10, 9
      “Eager Beaver” by Unknown Author (voyeurism & sex
            with teacher) 7, 7, 7
      “Elki” by Unknown Author (illiterate confusion) 3, 1, 1
      “Dream #1” by Caesar (wartime sex) 5, 5, 4
      “Amusement Park Growth” by Jackie (sexual dream)
            7, 5, 4
      “Hot for Teacher” by John M. Andrews (sex with teacher)
            5, 4, 4
      “Memories of Summer” by Dulcinea (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10

“One of Those Days?” by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com).  It’s one of those 
days.  The elevator is packed with wall to wall people; it’s going to be 
uncomfortable.  But then the sexy lady he just noticed in the restaurant 
is being forced back against Adam; and - wouldn’t you know it - his cock 
decides not to remain quiescent.  It’s one of those days.  Noticing his 
tumescence, Tami suggests that they introduce themselves.  “Madam I’m 
Adam,” he replies; and she responds “Able was I ere I saw Elba.”  That’s 
not exactly what they said, but I’ve always wanted to write two 
palindromes in a single sentence.  Well, anyway, if everyone adapted this 
well to overcrowding, we’d be a lot less concerned about the population 
explosion.  It’s a sexy story.

Ratings for “One of Those Days?”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
 
“Lady Lust” by Unknown Author.  This story was listed as “Ebony 
Confessions Vol. 5,” a repost of the THC archive service.  Rachel’s 
apartment is being painted, and so she spends the night with Cathy, who 
up till now has never seen a black woman naked nor eaten pussy.  After 
this encounter Cathy has done both.  This is a short story with a snippet 
of hot sex but little plot.

Ratings for “Lady Lust”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
 
“Dick Van Dyke Show” by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com).  This author 
recently posted segment one of two of “Bewitched,” the two segments 
forming part three of a three-part crossover story, the first two parts 
being "The Munsters" and "The Addams Family", respectively.  Since I 
prefer to review stories when they’re finished (especially when the 
posting is the penultimate segment of a three-part crossover story), I 
decided to set this story/segment aside and reward the author by 
reviewing his previously written “Dick Van Dyke Show,” which has recently 
been reposted on alt.sex.stories.

A correspondent has recently taken me to task for confusing a parody with 
a pastiche.  The difference is that a parody is meant to satirize the 
original work, whereas a pastiche deals more seriously with working out 
the implications of changing the basic assumptions of the original (as by 
letting Rob and Laura have sex, which could never have happened on the 
original show).  The distinction becomes nebulous when both the original 
and new work are humorous.  I think the author considers the Porno TV 
series to be examples of pastiche; but since I usually laugh so hard when 
I read his stories and since people are more familiar with the term 
parody, I am going to continue to refer to these stories as parodies.  
Imagine that!

The present story employs the episodic structure of the original show.  
When critics talk about the evolution of sex on television, they often 
cite the fact that Rob and Laura always slept fully clothed in separate 
beds.  In the first sequence Rob and Laura break that stereotype.  The 
only similarity with the original show is that after they both come, 
Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) sighs, “Oh, Rob!”

The main plot consists of Rob, Buddy, and Sally developing a script for 
the Alan Brady Show on which Gina Broccilucci will be the guest star.  
While working on the script, they hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign and 
take a horny break.  Then, as research for the show, Rob takes Laura to 
see one of Ms. Broccilucci’s movies, “The Bondage of Brenda”; and Laura 
naively thinks that maybe it’s going to rain because so many of the men 
in the theater are wearing rain coats.

And so it goes.  We discover Mel’s monster cock.  Laura and Millie 
exchange intimate pleasantries.  Rob consults with Gina Broccilucci about 
the script.  We even have a surprise ending that suggests why the 
Broccilucci script was never aired.  

The plot is actually not all that sexy, but I thoroughly enjoyed 
imagining the TV characters performing the acts described in this little 
pastiche.

Ratings for “Dick Van Dyke Show”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
 
* “Mary Tyler Moore” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
Since we just reviewed Dick Van Dyke, we might as well take a look at 
Uncle Mike’s parody of Mary Tyler Moore.

Mary needs some time off, and Mr. Grant is unwilling to give it to her.  
Finally, she whines in her inimitable way that she’ll “do anything for 
it.”  Mr. Grant’s eyes light up in response to an evil thought: “You’ll 
do anything, Mary? ANYthing?”  So Lou finally gets the blow job he’s 
always wanted from Mary; and Mary figures it’s over.  But then Ted 
walks into the office; and to keep him quiet Lou lets him fuck Mary; 
and to placate Mary for this humiliation, Lou gives her a second week 
off.  But then Murray walks into the office, and we have another 
emboikment and another week’s vacation.  And then Gordie the weather 
man walks into the office...  This is a pretty good parody.  Mary, Lou, 
and Ted are done best; it’s easy to imagine these TV characters doing 
what they do in this story. 

Ratings for “Mary Tyler Moore”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

“The Pennington Case” by Jefferson James (Tymm@cris.com).  Alicia has 
been unfaithful to her husband.  Suspecting this, the husband has hired a 
private detective; but Norman the detective has offered to give Alicia a 
clean slate, provided she pays him mucho money and has raucous sex with 
him.  Norman is a repulsive asshole; he enjoys humiliating his victims.  
He doesn’t use a condom, and he spits on her pussy for lubrication.  The 
story even has a bit of a surprise ending.

This is a well-written blackmail story.  I find it discomfiting to think 
that many men who read this story will think that this is the right way 
to treat a woman; but numerous authors have already countered with 
stories that stick it to men equally cruelly.  As one of our nation’s 
great moral leaders said recently, “Why can’t we all just get along 
together?”

By the way, if Alicia watches any police stories at all, she should know 
that paying off a blackmailer never works.  The best advice for Alicia 
would have been to dick the dick before the dick dicked her.  
Metaphorically, of course.

Ratings for “The Pennington Case”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

“Eager Beaver” by Unknown Author.  Professor Mac teaches human sexuality 
at a college.  Today is exam day, and he is looking forward to gazing up 
the skirts of the young ladies while they take their tests.  One 
especially demurely dressed young lady has the unusual name of E. Beaver.  
The other students refer to her as Eager Beaver, presumably because of 
her industrious work habits.  Although Professor Mac is a perverted 
voyeur, he can think of no other connotation that one might connect with 
the Beaver nickname!

As she assumes the position and he begins his inspection, Professor Mac 
has trouble determining the color of Ms. Beaver’s panties. Since he has a 
pretty good observation post, he concludes that they must be tan or beige 
and hence flesh- colored.  He knows this because her hair color 
(discernible on top of her head) is dark enough that he should be able to 
see vaginal hair if she weren’t wearing any panties.  Like I said, for a 
pervert this guy’s vibrator doesn’t go to the top speed.

Ms. Beaver proceeds to play with herself while she takes the test.  The 
naked truth, however, is that this is a ruse to distract Professor Mac, 
while she copies answers from the student next to her.  Leave it to 
Beaver to think of something like that!

Well, Mac gets distracted, and consequently he notices that The Beave is 
copying the answers.  Cheating (on tests, that is - not on his wife, of 
course) is something he cannot condone; and so he asks Ms. Beaver to stay 
after the exam for a conference.  She looks pensive and explains that she 
wasn’t really cheating.  She just loves to read what other people write 
about sex!  {Then she stopped looking pensive.  At that moment, Professor 
Mac realized that she could be ex-pensive. <groan>}  As a matter of fact, 
she has read so many other people’s tests that she is now quite turned on 
and feels compelled to go someplace and jack off, since she happens to 
have a free period.

You might think that Mac’s nickname was Big, but it wasn’t; he was more 
of a grower than a hanger.  Beaver wears neither bra nor underpants; Mac 
wears underpants but no bra.  Eager grasps his raging cock in her left 
hand.  There’s something sinister or gauche about that, but that pun 
would be of interest to neither Mac nor Eager.  He has a nice 
circumcision, but he can scarcely claim credit for that.  

Mac comes first, but he is still getting a little behind.  Now there’s a 
riddle for you!

This may sound like a silly story, but I found it to be quaint.  It’s 
nice to see human sexuality professors instead of English teachers 
treated as naive perverts who exploit their students.

Ratings for “Eager Beaver”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

“Elki” by Unknown Author.  As a general rule, first person narratives in 
which the woman states her measurements within the first few sentences 
tend to be pretty lame.  Elki (35-23-33) is a rather plain girl with buck 
teeth; so she puts out a little to compensate. Jack Spade is her 
boyfriend. He takes her places and buys her things, so that Elki will 
undress for him and his friends. But Elki has principles. She refuses to 
let Jack fuck her. However, she acquiesces when Jack lets her masturbate 
him to “releave” his tensions, and he insists that she suck his cock and 
swallow his cum (and do the same for maybe eight or nine of his friends 
each night). The Elkster doesn't mind, because she “loves him with all of 
her being.”

But then something goes awry in this idyllic relationship.  Jack decides 
to fuck her after all, against her will, of course; and he lets his 
friends do the same.  Actually, it gets pretty disgusting and unpoetic - 
urination and all that kind of stuff.  And disjointed.  The plot that is 
- it’s disjointed.  There’s a blackmail motif, a revenge motif, 
incoherent shifts from first to third to second person perspective, 
constant shifts of verb tense - but lots of brutal and mindless sex.

This story has potential.  If the grammar were cleaned up, if about two 
thirds of it were thrown out and replaced by new material, and if the 
entire plot were restructured to make sense, this might be a good story.

Ratings for “Elki”
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

“Dream #1” by Caesar.  Since this is entitled “Dream #1,” I’ll assume the 
man is dreaming about his wartime exploits.  In the apparent dream, he is 
a soldier who enters a building during house-to-house fighting and makes 
love to a terrified young woman before he goes out and shoots the enemy 
soldiers.  He is wounded and never sees the woman again. I have read 
other stories by this author, and those stories were pretty good.  This 
one is largely incoherent.  I suspect that English is not this author’s 
native language, and in the five years since he wrote this story he has 
simply gotten a lot better at English expression.  The grammar and 
sentence structure of this story are so bad that they interfere seriously 
with the plot.  This early attempt is nowhere near as good as this 
author’s more recent stories; and I have noticed that he has begun to 
post edited revisions of his stories.

Ratings for “Dream #1”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

“Amusement Park Growth” by Jackie (an338903@cris.com). Dream stories are 
very difficult to write.  I can’t tell you how often I have had dreams 
that I thought were really great, but which turned out to be just plain 
silly the morning after.  Recently I awoke from a dream that was so good 
that I jotted a note to myself on the pad by the telephone to remind me 
to use the dream as a basis for the Great American Novel that I would 
begin in the morning.  When I saw the note the next morning, I quickly 
recalled the dream and reflected upon it.  It was such a stupid dream 
that I couldn’t believe I had found it so fascinating the night before!

I’m sure Freudians have a different insight, but I think dreams are often 
fascinating because they hold the complete attention and imagination of 
the dreamer.  Movies often have really great dream sequences, because 
their multisensory capability makes it possible to grip the attention and 
imagination of the viewers.  But I often hate it when people try to tell 
me their dreams.  Their stories are usually boring, largely because they 
seem incapable of realizing that I don’t share their perspective.

Which brings me to this story.  I think I see where the author is trying 
to go.  It really would be surrealistic to see a severely pregnant 16-
year-old girl being subjected to the forces of a tilt-a-whirl in an 
amusement park and experiencing incredible sensations in her body.  I 
think the reason this story missed its mark with me was because the 
author spent too much time on detailed descriptions that were fascinating 
to him but just didn’t catch my interest.  Sure, I said to myself, this 
might be interesting, but what’s the big deal?  Someone else might react 
differently.  My advice to the author would be to try to figure out what 
Deirdre does so well and to imitate her strategies.  Or take a look at 
Backrub’s “Wet Dreams,” which is not specifically a dream story, but 
certainly conveys a dreamlike atmosphere.

I have seen stories on a.s.s. that are labeled “growth” or something like 
that, and some readers apparently find this sort of thing sexy.  If the 
author is writing for that narrow audience, then this may already be a 
good “cult” story.  If the author wants to attract a wider audience to 
this sort of story, then the technique needs refinement.

Ratings for “Amusement Park Growth”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

“Hot for Teacher” by John M. Andrews (jma1492@aol.com).  Surely there is 
a special spot in heaven near the right hand of God for substitute 
teachers, who suffer more in this life than anyone other than substitute 
bus drivers and maybe some of the rape victims in Wiley’s stories.  Alas, 
the young lady in this story starts with three strikes against her: she 
is a substitute ART teacher.  For her first assignment she tells the 
class to draw a picture of the world as they see it, and our narrator 
turns in his “View of the World.”  Let your mind dwell on that for a 
while: the “View of the World” by a hormonally imbalanced teenager who 
wants nothing more than a ride up the teacher’s love canal.  There’s 
potential here, but not much comes of it.

The most interesting parts of the story were the verbal anomalies: The 
“principle” walked into the room; the guy whispered under his “breathe”, 
the guy next to him “herd” him; and they “starred” at the beautiful 
teacher. Even worse, the story doesn’t have a real ending.  The kid who 
wrote this story simply stopped when he shot his wad or when his mother 
knocked on the door and asked what he was doing.

Ratings for “Hot for Teacher”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

“Memories of Summer” by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com).  The couple share 
memories of the past summer while they look at the photographs that she 
just picked up.  The favorite memory focuses on a refreshing encounter in 
a very cold lake.  This is a brief, well-written, sexy, romantic story.  
It’s interesting that extremely cold water has a positive effect on a 
woman’s nipples and a negative effect on a man’s penis.  You math 
teachers out there ought to think about this as an example of an inverse 
relationship.

When she learned from my FAQ that I have athletic proclivities, a reader sent 
me this comparison of running and sex.  The first line after each heading 
describes running, and the second line describes sex.  I thought this was 
somehow pertinent to the present review, since the story features athletic 
activity of sorts.

Useful Fabric  
       Coolmax          
       Latex 
Best place to do it  
       Outdoors 
       Outdoors 
Reasons to do it alone   
      High-Quality reflection time
      Don't have to buy someone dinner 
Length of typical session  
      30 to 60 minutes
      30 to 60 seconds 
Mystical connection
      If done right, see God
      If done right, say "God" 
Teenager's view
      When can I stop?
      When can I start? 
How to get better
      Read about others
      Watch others 
Longtimer's frequency
      Daily
      Monthly 
Goal
      Go faster
      Go longer 
Good shoes
      Essential
      Optional 
Solution for tight leg
      Take day off
      Take clothes off 
Body fat
      Too much gets in the way
      Too much gets in the way 
Questionable source of advice
      Jim Fixx
      Dr. Ruth 
Stretch
      Frequently
      Marks 
Crosstraining Equipment
      NordicTrack
      Nordic Blonde 
Ultimate goal
      Peak at the right time
      Peak at the right time 
What to do between sessions
      Have sex
      Run

Ratings for “Memories of Summer”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


