Celestial Reviews 254 - January 31, 1998

Note:  Several people called this a.s.s.d. spam to my attention:

>  Celeste's sex-drive is insatiable!!!
>
>  Celeste is just one of the sexy cybersluts
>  you'll meet at SEXYPUSSY! Celeste loves to
>  get eaten by her girlfriend & She wants YOU
>  to watch --- Just check out the site--
>
>  http://www.sexypussy.com

It's not me!  Honest.

Second note:  We're trying to work story links into these reviews.  Both 
your patience and your feedback will be appreciated.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "LeAnn Rimes - A Bodyguard's Tale" by El Diablo (sex with
            teenage celebrity) 10, 10, 10
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7870.txt
      "Unholy Passage" by Phil Phantom (Christians become sluts)
           10, 9, 9
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7742.txt (1/2)
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7743.txt (2/2)
      "On the Run" by The Bear (sex in a cave) 10, 8, 10
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7935.txt
          http://www.io.com/~thebear/mytext/misc/improv3.htm
      "Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (humiliating 
            problem) 10, 10, 10
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7327.txt (1/2)
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7328.txt (2/2)

Guest Reviews: 

      "The Dancer's Debut" Joe Jasper (first time) 8, 8, 8
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7639.txt
      "Meeting in May" by Richard La Fond (cyberlovers meet)
            9, 8, 8
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7774.txt
      "Summer In Bavaria" by Tom (adolescent mm sex) 8, 8, 6
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7773.txt
      "You Can Never Go Home Again" by SandMan (Horatio Alger 
            sex) 8, 9, 9
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7691.txt

Reposted Reviews:

    * "The Passing of Seasons" by Linda B (emerging adolescence 
            & hot ff sex) 
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7885.txt
    * "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic" by PleaseCain 
            (applied sex ed with mom) 10, 8, 7
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7983.txt
    * "January 96" by PleaseCain (warm-up for a cold day) 
            10, 10, 10
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7984.tx


* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
      reposted)

"LeAnn Rimes - A Bodyguard's Tale" by El Diablo.  

LeAnn Rimes is not my favorite singer - that'd be Pam Tillis, of 
course; but I have had some good times while the teenage C&W 
singer has supplied the background music in our bedroom.  My 
husband was already in love with her voice before he discovered 
that she was only 14 years old.

I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And I know that time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love
To me
To...
Ooooooooooh.

It just doesn't sound like a teenager when she sings that song.  
My own favorite is "Sure Thing"; but the point here is that it's 
easy to imagine an adult bodyguard falling in love with a kid like 
this.  The combination of naive innocence and sexy presentation of 
adult emotions is LeAnn's natural selling point, and that's also 
the stuff of pedophile stories.

First the bodyguard saves her life, then he takes her to Disney 
World, and then he finds her cuddled in his arms in the middle of 
the night, afraid of the Florida lightning.  What's a guy to do 
with a young lady who hungers for his touch and needs his love? As 
the song says, what this guy's got coming is a sure thing.

I had better lay off the C&W allusions.  I'm better at jokes:

***

"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get 
married, please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"Fifteen???  That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man.  "Could you try explaining that to 
the fella next to her with the shotgun?"

***

This story presents an excellent sex fantasy.  Fantasy?  Heck, 
it's probably closer to truth than some of those things you read 
in the supermarket tabloids!

Ratings for "A Bodyguard's Tale"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Unholy Passage" by Phil Phantom (slutmissy@hotmail.com). 

Cynthia and her four young children have booked passage on a freighter 
to join her husband as a missionary on a distant continent. A missionary 
family should emit exemplary behavior, I suppose; but for centuries 
there have been rumors that children of holy people tend to have evil 
proclivities.  And so it is.  The kids are showing signs of early 
adolescent brattiness. The sailors have already begun to leer at them 
before the boat has even cast off to sea. Can anyone guess from the 
title what's likely to happen in this story?

I'll give you a hint.  They got on the wrong ship. The Crusaders for 
Christ Mission had booked them for the Miramar, but they got on the 
Miracopa. Big mistake.  The captain expects them to work to earn their 
passage.  But what can a mother and four kids who don't even wear 
underwear do to earn their passage.  Let's go back to the title again: 
Unholy Passage.  Maybe they'll cook meals for those guys with the huge 
erections.

Actually, things may not be so bad.  As I suggested in the final 
sentence of the preceding paragraph, there were signs that the crew 
members were glad to see them. And the captain's rules are fairly 
reasonable: No one will rape anyone.  On the other hand, Cynthia won't 
interfere with nature.  She is just another member of the crew, as are 
her kids.  She can mother the baby, but that's it.  She can't tell 
anyone what they can and cannot do. In short, since "sexual harassment" 
is not even a term that is found in maritime law, she is up a shit crick 
without a paddle - a term that occurs frequently but informally in all 
courts of law. She succumbs, and then pretty much everyone else succums.

The family arrives in Calcutta two months after their departure from LA, 
a month late.  The husband has been wired from Indonesia, and so he was 
waiting on the dock.  He greets his lost family, unaware that within 
each womb, a new family member is growing.  Five months later, the 
family--minus its spiritual leader--boards a liberty ship in Indonesia, 
bound for LA.

The style of this story is good.  As the disclaimer says, " This story 
promotes nothing, and nothing in this story should be taken seriously."  
The assumptions are a bit simplistic; but once we grant that a mother 
would quickly and easily succumb to the captain's demands in order to 
protect her family, that she would undergo a complete and immediate 
personality change, and that all the kids would instantly become horny 
sluts, the story makes pretty good sense.

Ratings for "Unholy Passage"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"On the Run" by The Bear (TheBear@nospam.io.com). 

A man and a woman are fleeing from pursuers through a swamp.  They find 
a cave, crawl into it, and make love.

This is a very vivid description, but it's not a whole story.  When I 
finished reading it, I felt as if I had walked into another classroom in 
which a good movie was playing, watched only two minutes of hot action, 
and then left.  Of course, the hot action would focus on economic 
activities in Europe in the eighteenth century, not the sort of things 
mentioned in this story.  When that sort of thing happens to me, I'm 
always glad when it was a good movie rather than a bad one; but it would 
be much nicer to catch a whole story.

Ratings for "On the Run"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).  

This is a story about Jenny getting drilled.  Literally.  Well, not 
quite literally.  Actually it's the Coke bottle that gets drilled.  This 
is necessary, of course, because excessive thrusting has caused a vacuum 
that inhibits the natural removal of that flask from Jenny's vagina, 
where it had been serving one of the secondary purposes of Coke bottles, 
a purpose more typically served by a zucchini, a carrot, or an engorged 
phallus.

In other words, this story is about the sort of problem that a 
hormonally imbalanced teenager in high school would think about during a 
really boring physics lecture.  Or a horny girl in a Catholic college 
for that matter.

This is really a nostalgic story.  As the saying goes, "They don't make 
Coke bottles like that anymore."  Modern coke bottles are made of 
plastic, typically holding two or three liters, and most American women 
don't even have metric vaginas.

Anyway, Jenny was masturbating with a Coke bottle, and simple laws of 
physics made it impossible for her to remove it; and now she is 
wandering around practically naked with the neighbor kids and the old 
guy next door watching, trying to find the right tool to remove the 
damned thing.

In case you're wondering - you know what you REALLY have to do if you 
get a Coke bottle stuck up your cunt - or up your ass, for that matter - 
don't you? You have to go to the hospital emergency room; and it's even 
more humiliating than wearing dirty underpants when you're in an 
automobile accident.  Your mother may have been the one who warned you 
about the underpants; but the people at the hospital emergency room have 
all the good stories about Coke bottles, large salamis, and medium-sized 
rodents.  I wouldn't kid you about things like this.  The worst part is 
that nowadays the emergency ward janitor as likely as not will blab the 
whole thing all over the Internet, where your humiliation will come to 
the attention not only of your parents but even of the pope and whoever 
puts together the newsletter for your 25th-anniversary high-school 
reunion.  You'll eventually wind up being the punchline in a joke that 
ends with, "Who's the person with the bottle up his/her ass/cunt 
standing next to the pope on the balcony?"

Just imagine how embarrassing it would be if you were in an accident 
with a Coke bottle up your cunt or ass!  That's why this is labeled "a 
cautionary tale."

Come to think of it, this story presents a problem that could appear on 
one of those creativity tests:  "Imagine that you have a Coke bottle up 
your cunt {just to make the gender bias work in favor of girls for a 
change}.  Describe how you would remove it, using only items that are 
found in your house."

Fortunately, KY sterile lubricant is an item in my house, and  I'll bet 
it would work.  KY is useful not only for inserting things into tight 
places, but also for removing things from the aforesaid tight places.  
Once my daughter was trying to raise the seat on her bicycle, to no 
avail.  I approached the bike with my tube of KY, liberally lubricated 
the pipe on the bottom of the seat, and yanked.  Off came the seat!  My 
daughter said, "Hey! I'll have to get some of that stuff some day."  I 
said, "Yes, maybe you will."

My main criticism of the story is that it over-emphasizes metric 
measurement, as when the bottle emerges millimeter by millimeter. It 
would be better to use a more universally understood expression for a 
very small distance.  For example, "The bottle barely moved the distance 
of a cunt hair."

Ratings for "Pause that Refreshes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Dancer's Debut" Joe Jasper (joe@nmpnet.net). Guest Review by 
Sven the Elder.

I have this tiny problem (no stop peeking!!) - Celeste found me a 
story, a quite sexy story as well, and I'm bored!  That's a 
dreadful thing to say about a story, so I'd better qualify things 
a little.  The problem is really that this is a hackneyed, 
subject. 'First times' have been 'done' many times by a lot of 
authors, it has reached the stage where I suspect that around half 
of the  'Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions' have come from 
'First time stories'.  Hey out there - authors all - if you 
haven't looked these assumptions up and giggled at them, do so.  
For those of us who have and been embarrassed to have found that 
we also have used them, in the past I hasten to add, they spoil a 
story.

'The Dancers Debut' is not a bad story - please don't get me 
wrong.  It is well written and spell checked, the grammar is good 
and the style fair, the story is written as a 'he' / 'she' style 
which I personally don't care for, but then as a reviewer, I don't 
let that worry me in the final analysis.  It's just, well, virgins 
don't normally behave like this during their first serious sexual 
excursions - and I'm sorry, guys, if you think they do - dream on!  
Neither do measurements matter; again I think that's a trap we all 
fall into at the start of writing a story for this ng, but they 
don't matter - honest.  Not even in real life, it ain't what you 
got; it's the way that you use it.  The more believable we can 
make our stories, the more we can relate to them, the more our 
readers will enjoy them.  That should be the skill of the author - 
weave a little magic - don't let your reader think - "That's 
silly! I would never do that." or whatever.  Blend your experience 
of real life into the situation you have created, *make* the 
reader believe you. That's the challenge.  You'll know if you've 
succeeded. Quite a few of the regular authors who post here have 
said that sometimes they are surprised by the way there characters  
appear to take on a life of their own. The characters end up 
'writing' the story - it happens.

Joe's Story is that of a young lady (BTW Joe your codes should 
have been MF - mf is teenager at best, yet the lady is 21) who 
decides she is going to become a woman. She chooses her 'stud' and 
they have it away in various ways.  I am slightly worried about 
the closing line.  It didn't mean to me quite what the author 
meant it to, but then that just might be me.........

Sorry, Joe; the story ends up as quite good, quite hot, and quite 
enjoyable.  Please don't lose heart, search out the Credulous 
assumptions that Celeste has posted, read them out to yourself, 
and have a giggle.  Out of the context of a story some of them are 
truly cringeworthy and very funny. (BTW if you can't find them 
send me an e-mail and I'll be happy to forward them to you  I keep 
a copy to remind me how truly awful my first attempts were!.)

Ratings for  The Dancer's Debut
Technical quality: 8
Plot & character:  8
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 8  

"Meeting in May" by Richard La Fond (SciTeach35@aol.com). Guest review 
by Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).

I've come to the conclusion that a `when cyber-lovers meet' is kind of a 
must-do plot line for a lot of people.  It's hard to make it unique, but 
it covers a fantasy a lot of people have.  In that respect it probably 
has appeal just on that level. However, in most cases there are really 
only two choices - couple meet and have a blistering hot session of sex, 
or the BDSM equivalent of the same thing.  This story relies on the 
first of the two scenarios.

This tells the story of an unnamed narrator and her online lover, 
Richard - who is 15 years her junior.  It starts with a romantic feel, 
but moves rather quickly to a couple of very hot sex scenes (one in a 
car and another in a motel).  The writer does a pretty good job of 
having the reader feel, at first, the narrator's hesitation about the 
age difference, and later, the confidence she gains as the evening 
progresses.

To some extent, I'm not sure I buy the very slow start and then the 
sudden switch to high gear.  These people supposedly have been very 
close online.  With such heat and passion shared, I'm not sure her 
hesitation about his desires should be as high.  They have supposedly 
been together for two years online.  And yet, perhaps it would still be 
a nervous time.

I'm going to bump off a mark for technical quality, mainly for the 
formatting.  This was not posted by the author, but from the intro, with 
his permission and email.  The poster has used smart quotes which just 
didn't convert.  Well, they converted into graphical characters, which 
made the few pieces of dialogue tough to read.  This is not really the 
author's fault, but it does make it hard to read in parts.  And the 
review is for the reader, right?  Also, I found the long drawn out words 
of the climax annoying.  I know they are supposed to convey a certain 
`feel', but I always think that " Owwwwwwwhhhhhhhh..." is just pushing 
it.

Ratings for "Meeting in May"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Summer In Bavaria" by Tom (tje@mail.nls.net).  Guest review by Kim.

This is a story of young love. Too young for me in fact, as the 
principal characters are two boys aged fifteen and fourteen, and two 
girls, one aged eleven, the other twelve. The other main character is a 
sixty-seven year old grandpa.

I mention the ages because had the girls, or the grandpa, got involved 
in any of the sex then I'd have sent it back to Celeste and said sorry, 
I can't review this. Luckily the main thrust of the story is in fact the 
blossoming love between the two boys. Even so, I'm still very 
uncomfortable with such underage sex. But it is handled in a sensitive 
manner and is far from exploitational. But enough of my agonizing over 
such things.

The main character is John, a young boy from Cleveland visiting his 
grandpa in Bavaria, Germany. While he's there, he meets up with the 
beautiful Anton, Anton's sister, Katrina, and their younger cousin, 
Helga.

Soon the four of them are pairing off, with John getting Katrina and 
Anton going with his cousin. They decide to go on an outing together and 
after the picnic get down to some innocent necking. Later, back at home, 
the boys casually discuss how they're going to fuck the girls for the 
first time. However, before they get to the female of the species they 
decide to do a bit of practice on each other first. Some soapy mutual 
masturbation in the shower then ensues.

The next day they go off for a hike together, sans girls, and end up 
kissing and rolling in the flowers, swiftly followed by some spirited 
giving and receiving of blowjobs. They're about to attempt to fuck each 
other when the story abruptly stops. I don't know if this is how the 
author intended to leave it, or just how it came to me.

OK, y'all already know what I generally think of underage sex stories. 
This one wasn't badly written, but it did have a number of typos and 
such. It could have done with better proofing and spell checking. The 
English itself was simple but a bit clumsy in places, though not enough 
to throw the story off. The general feeling is of sensitive 
believability. Nothing outstanding, nor anything really bad.

Ratings for "Summer In Bavaria"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Typos and slightly clumsy in places)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (No real problems)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Just not my thing)

"You Can Never Go Home Again" by SandMan (sandman@bitsmart.com). 
Guest review by Mark Aster.

Have you read any Horatio Alger?  "Struggling Upward", "Making His 
Way", "Luke Walton", "Only an Irish Boy"? Plucky lads, in hard 
times for one reason or another, overcome obstacles through 
integrity and hard work, eventually encounter benefactors who 
appreciate their good qualities and help them out, and live more 
or less happily ever after.  Uplifting and optimistic stories, 
good role models for youth.  But alas, no sex.

In "You Can Never Go Home Again", Sandman give us a Horatio Alger 
story, updated to the 90's, and with some sex scenes.  This isn't 
a sex story, not really; it's a story that has some sex in it.  
Joey's parents have died in an accident, and he has run away from 
the abusive uncle that inherited him.  We get some nice clean 
first-time scenes in flashbacks (first masturbation, first 
playing-around with another boy, first sex with a girl), and one 
very grungy MF encounter that Joey sees while hiding out in an 
abandoned house.  But it's not steamy sex, not sex meant to 
arouse; it's sex that furthers the story, that advances the 
narrative. There's no sex at all in present-time involving Joey, 
but there is some very nice romance with this girl he meets while 
working at a hard-earned job.

There are some typos ("way to long", "some how"), and some awkward 
sentences, and I don't think you actually have to have a checking 
account in order to CASH a check, but on the whole the story is 
quite readable.  There's not much complexity here; this is a 
Horatio Alger story, after all!  As the author notes in the 
afterward, it's unlikely that many real runaways come out of it 
this well.  But not all stories have to be documentaries, after 
all; sometimes we need to be reminded what it's like when things 
go unusually well...

Mark Aster ratings for "You Can Never Go Home Again"
(remembering as usual that I may be a harder grader
than Celeste!):

Athena: 8 (above average, some typos and awkwardnesses)
Venus: 9 (for the story and characters, not hot sex!)
Mark: 9 (a cheerful story, nice reading)

* "The Passing of Seasons" by Linda B (an274617@anon.penet.fi).  

I try to wait until all the parts of serialized stories have been 
posted before I post my review.  I have seen seven parts of this 
story, and the seventh says it will be continued; but I am going 
to go ahead and post my review now, since I haven't seen an eighth 
part yet and don't think there is one.  

This is an exceptionally well written, sensitive story about the 
intimate relationship between two young girls.  It's almost like a 
good Judy Blume story - except, of course, that teenagers read 
Judy Blume, whereas they would never think of reading stories on 
a.s.s., which are prohibited to them.  In fact, I think it is 
possible that Linda B may actually be Judy Blume, prematurely 
reincarnated and living in that literary commune in a Waldenesque 
setting near Sulfur Springs.  {Incidentally, if you think Judy 
Blume writes only for kids, you should read her "Smart Women," 
which is probably available in your local public library.}

This author is intimately attuned to the emotions likely to be 
felt and expressed by teenagers trying to establish their sexual 
identities.  I myself am a happy heterosexual, but I recall 
feeling many of these same emotions (if not the same activities) 
that Jenny and Sarah express in this story.  (I have no intention 
of revisiting my discussion of whether practically all adolescent 
women experience these emotions. They do; but I have promised not 
to make an issue of that theory.)  This is a really good story.

This story is also being archived at 
http://www.cybercity.hko.net/toronto/wjm/archive/

The author has an interesting disclaimer, which reads in part: "If 
you are a teenager, we as adults don't think that you should read 
this, even though you are sexually mature and probably have much 
more sexual desire than we do. We are merely jealous of your 
sexual virility. Please leave us alone to *fantasize* about being 
your age once again. I'm sorry but you'll have to wait until 
you're at least 18 before you can have your own fantasies. 
Preferably you should wait until you're at least 30 or older, that 
way you can really have something to fantasize about: your very 
own teenaged years!" <Hear, hear!> <Well said!> <Touche!> 
<Applause>

Ratings for "The Passing of Seasons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic" by PleaseCain 
(PleaseCain@aol.com).  

Mom catches her son and his friend looking at a hot picture (the 
legendary Cheryl Crow Nude Pic) from the Internet.  First she tells them 
they had better stop and then she decides to give them a lesson in 
applied sex education with her own body.  The 17-year-old boys are well 
endowed - Dick with a 9 1/2 inch peter and Peter with a 12 inch dick.  

After the kids bring her off by sucking her tits, Peter beats her with a 
belt (much to her enjoyment), while she swallows Dick's 12-incher in its 
entirety.  Peter had wished that his first time with his mom would be 
different than this.  After the first climax, Peter and Dick both 
gasped, "Cool!"  They realized this didn't make them sound very mature, 
but this situation "just rocked."  Then Mom invited Petey to fuck her 
ass, which he did with great enthusiasm, while she banged in glorious 
orgasms - 21 of them, to wit, before Dick lost count.  Soon Peter came 
again, shouting "I'm coming."  "Me too!" shouted Mom, redundantly.  

Then Mom asked Dick to finish her off (Right!); but Dick refused, unless 
he could watch Mom make it with a woman first.  So they all got dressed 
(Right!) and went next door; and Mom and Joy (a 23-year-old sex goddess) 
went wild on the floor while the boys jacked off; but then Deanna Troi 
from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" rang the doorbell and brought ten 
Paula Zahns, including Handicapped-Amputee Paula Zahn, into the room, 
all eager for an orgy.  

I shouldn't tell you this next part, because it will ruin the surprise; 
but then Peter ran next door to get his Sega Genesis game; and the women 
watched him and Dick play.  They were all very impressed at how long 
they played, and how high they scored, and many of them got really 
turned on at their manly prowess.  And then somebody brought a whole 
cart filled with sex toys, and then the fun really began.

This all made perfect sense to me, except that Mom was going to teach 
them about the female body, and I'm not sure she really achieved her 
objective.  Oh; and the unrealistic part is that I don't think there 
really is a live Cheryl Crow Pic on the "Net.  Finally, if you're 
interested in finding this and the preceding story, it may be useful to 
know that this author posts his stories with a title line beginning TO 
JOY, which (coincidentally) is the name of the sex goddess who lives 
next door.

Ratings for "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

* "January 96" by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com).  

The guy staggers in from a really miserable day.  Life sucks.  The 
weather is miserable.  It took three hours just to get home from 
the airport.  Life sucks.  On the other hand, the furnace works, 
the fridge is stocked, he can't go to work for at least a few 
days, and his wife seems to be randy and determined to compensate 
for the unfortunate vicissitudes of life.  This is a very short 
but very good story.

Ratings for "January 96"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

