Celestial Reviews 50 - Jan 6, 1996

Note:  The proofreading service is in full operation, and people are 
reporting successful use of it.  IF YOU WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK 
BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and I'll match you up with one or 
two of the reviewers.  Remember: you're not admitting to being a "bad 
writer" by asking for a proofreader.  Everyone can benefit from having 
someone to help with their work.  For that matter, if anyone wants to 
look over Celestial Reviews before I post them, I would appreciate the 
help - but I would need a really fast turnaround time.  If others are 
interested in offering their services as proofreaders, please contact 
me.

- Celeste

      "A Common Date" by Unnamed Author (romance) 4
      "Lawyers in Love" by A. Van Peebles (ff romance) 10
      "Partners" by Deirdre (D&s) 8
      "Party" by Deirdre (sex slavery & bondage) 5
      "Pat" by Deirdre (sex slavery & bondage) 9
      "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (Underwater sex) 9
      "Natalie" by Daniel Shechori (romance & sexy eating) 10

"A Common Date" by Unnamed Author (kheldar@mi.net).  This is the first 
public posting by a new author.  I am giving the story this detailed 
treatment not because I want to give him a rough time but because he is 
like so many other potential or beginning authors.  There was one 
author whose first story went immediately to a fairly high location on 
my Top 100 list, but this is actually rare.  There were two other 
authors whose first stories were pretty much like this one but whose 
later stories made the Top 100 list.  See!  That's almost twice as 
likely!  And there are many other authors who are going to keep trying 
to improve and who will write better and enjoy expressing their 
thoughts more effectively, even if they never get a 10 rating or make 
the Top 100 list.

The story is a detailed description of a romantic session between a man 
and a woman.  I see three main problems with this story.  The first is 
minor: I don't see the point in the title.  I guess "common" means 
"ordinary" - "An Ordinary Date."  Even Deirdre uses mundane titles; but 
I like even hers best when I see the point of the title at least after 
I have finished the story.  Other titles simply make me hungry to read 
them "In Your Mouth and Mine," "Tammy Gets Even (Better),".... I had 
better stop before I get distracted. 

The second problem is more serious: many readers (including myself) 
find the second person viewpoint to be annoying. (I lightly touch YOUR 
hair.  YOU do this, YOU do that.)  I think authors use this approach 
for two main reasons: (1) They have written the story as a private 
fantasy for a specific individual and decide to share it with a wider 
audience without adapting it at all, or (2) They want to involve the 
reader intimately by making him/her part of the story.  Actually, this 
strategy usually backfires.  To the extent that the reader is NOT 
similar to the person with whom the narrator is interacting, the reader 
is likely to be alienated by this approach and it will fall flat.  For 
example, the "I" in this story is a man and the "you" is a woman.  Male 
readers are likely to feel put off by the demand to identify with a 
specific female.  (Of course, TG readers will simply change their 
wardrobe or persona and go on with the story <grin> <ha, ha!>.)  Even a 
female reader like myself is likely to feel a little put off by having 
to identify myself as Wendy when the narrator ("I") whispers sweet 
nothings in my ear. To restate it succinctly: the second person 
approach works only when "you" actually fits the person reading the 
story.

Incidentally, this second person style works extremely well when it is 
done properly.  By this I mean when there is a reason for using that 
perspective.  For example, the Ng Sisters have posted several excellent 
stories that include correspondence between the two sisters.  The "you" 
is not the reader, but the sister to whom the letter is addressed.  
This is a stylistic strategy that they manage to implement very 
effectively.

The third problem is that although it is generally well written, the 
story contains some confusing grammatical mistakes.  For example, 
consider this sentence: "Soon we start to kiss one another again, 
kissing your neck, your nose, your hair, your cheeks, then I pull your 
hair away from the back of your neck and kiss the back of your neck, I 
can feel the goosebumps that this gives you as I lightly kiss you 
there, almost but not quite tickling you."  The "kissing your neck, 
nose, etc." part is a misplaced modifier.  Actually, I can guess what 
the author means, but this participial phrase literally modifies "we" 
and means that both of them were doing these things to Wendy.  "Then" 
starts a new clause and should be preceded by at least a semicolon or 
maybe a period.  "I can feel" is an example of a comma splice.  These 
and similar grammatical mistakes are discussed in Celestial Grammar, 
which I'll try to repost soon.

Other mistakes are more obviously the result of simple faulty 
proofreading: " I kiss as I undo each of your blouse, taking an 
unlivable amount of time to do it."  The author simply didn't mean to 
say that.  "You pull me next to you and I can feel our naked flest 
pushing against yours."  Unless a collaborator has suddenly arrived to 
make this a gang bang, this should be "my naked flesh."  We all make 
mistakes like that (at least I do) - I just did so in this sentence; 
but the advantage that authors have is that they can go back and make 
corrections before they post a story.  This may sound unromantic - but 
I even used to go back and proofread my love letters. I thought it was 
the polite thing to do, and I really wanted to make sure I turned him 
on even when I was not personally present.  (I used the past tense in 
the previous two sentences not because I have stopped being in love, 
but because I communicate more directly nowadays.)  That revision 
process helped land me a partner who has repaid me a bizillionfold for 
my troubles. {My spellcheck has never seen that word before!}  I 
encourage you to do the same - proofread your love letters, that is, 
not to send them to my husband.

I am not saying that this author is stupid.  Quite the contrary, he 
comes across as a sensitive person who has probably thrilled a specific 
person with this story.  That person loved this story because she had 
already participated in the events or because she knew the author and 
could easily imagine him doing these things with her.  I myself would 
rather have someone do these things to me and write to me about them in 
a faulty style than have a significant other who imitated a corpse 
during sexual intercourse but could write a good story about his 
necromantic endeavors. However, if an author wants to share feelings 
and emotions with a wider audience, it is necessary to take the 
viewpoint of that audience, and it is useful to follow the rules of 
grammar a little more carefully. (Rating: 4)

"Lawyers in Love" by A. Van Peebles (an182636@anon.penet.fi).

Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just two.  Most lawyers will screw anywhere.  But it may be hard for 
them to get inside the light bulb.

That joke has nothing to do with this story (except it's about 
lawyers), but humor and social commentary are important components of 
these reviews.

This is one of the best stories involving lesbian love that I have ever 
read.  If someone wanted to write a textbook chapter on how an older 
woman who identifies herself as a lesbian should begin a romantic 
relationship with a younger person confused about her sexual identity, 
this story would provide a good foundation.  While realistically 
portraying the feelings of Kate and Becky, this story avoids such 
pitfalls as stereotyping people as gays or straights and exploiting a 
vulnerable young woman who is confused about life.  The story doesn't 
use gimmicks to turn us on.  I have never been involved in a 
relationship like the one described here, but as I read the story I 
could REMEMBER these things happening to me.  What I mean by that is 
that the author presented the story line so plausibly and authentically 
that I found myself identifying with the characters and saying to 
myself, "Yeah, that's the way it was."

An important comment that I want to add is that the story was so well 
written that when I was near the middle of the story and Becky in her 
drunken stupor first kissed Kate, at least two endings would have been 
perfectly plausible and acceptable.  First, Becky could have realized 
the value of a lesbian lifestyle for herself and entered into a 
relationship with Kate.  Alternatively, Becky could have found the 
relationship with Kate to be fulfilling, but could have continued to 
seek an even more fulfilling relationship with someone else - perhaps 
with Peter. (Other endings would also be possible and emotionally 
acceptable.)

While reading this story, I was reminded of events and fantasies in my 
own life.  As I point out in my FAQ, I lead a monogamous heterosexual 
lifestyle, yet I happily admit to enjoying and being turned on by the 
activities and emotions expressed in this story about a lesbian 
relationship.  I mention this because I think it is important to stress 
that while sexual identity is obviously important, it is also sensible 
to avoid premature or inaccurate labeling.  I think it is important 
that people (especially young people) avoid labeling themselves as 
"gay," "straight," or "bisexual" based on fantasies or isolated 
experiences.

When I was young, I had trouble relating to guys and found myself 
thinking horny thoughts about other women.  I even had a crush on a 
female teacher.  As an adult, I have discovered that nearly all my 
female friends report similar feelings.  In retrospect, I think my 
feelings occurred because I was shy (or perhaps socially inept) around 
boys - nearly all of whom were assholes at that time anyway, while the 
girls with whom I participated in sports seemed to me to be mature, 
sexy creatures whose tits bounced enticingly when I was with them in 
the showers and locker rooms.  I had access to two highly competent 
persons at the time (known as parents) who noticed my reactions and 
convinced me that I was normal - even though they never gave me a 
specific lecture about it.  

I think it would have been foolish for me to have concluded at that 
time that I "was" lesbian.  Even now, sexy women turn me on.  The 
cosmetic companies count on them to do so; otherwise I would never buy 
that overpriced stuff they put into bottles and other containers.  I 
recently had an orgasm while I was alone and watching a woman 
masturbate in a porn flick..  I also got turned on while reading the 
sexy lesbian scenes in this story.  I don't think either of these 
admissions make it sensible to say that I "am" bisexual today.  

I have selected heterosexual monogamy as my lifestyle, and I feel good 
about it.  Because of this choice, I'll never have an opportunity to 
make passionate love to a sexy woman; but I see no conflict in enjoying 
a good story about someone else doing so.  

The label "heterosexual" is also detrimental, but in a more subtle way 
(because it is more socially accepted in the culture that surrounds 
me).  I enjoy playing with myself.  I enjoy it when my husband fondles, 
kisses, licks, etc. my genitals (or practically anything else, for that 
matter). By what grotesque stretch of logic am I supposed to believe 
that it would be UNenjoyable to have a sensitive female partner play 
with me instead?  I'm not going to do it; but that's because of a 
lifestyle choice (called marriage), not because it would be anything 
but intensely satisfying to have a luscious little beauty tongue my 
clit while I felt her juices drip across my face as I buried my face in 
her pussy.  

Do I think that reading and enjoying stories about hot lesbian love is 
likely to "make" me a lesbian?  No, I don't.  I DO think these stories 
make it more likely that if something would happen to my present 
relationship with my husband (for example, if he would die) I would be 
more likely to consider a lesbian relationship afterwards; but if I 
were a betting person, I'd still bet on my finding a good man for my 
next relationship.  

I guess what I'm saying is that good erotic fiction should and does 
have an effect on readers; but to the extent that it's realistic and 
readers have their heads on straight, this is not really a problem.  If 
readers don't have their heads on straight or if the stories give a 
well written but distorted view of reality, I think such stories can 
and do cause problems.  

I'm sorry!  I've just realized that I've written 550 words that tend to 
digress from my topic.  I'll stop right now - except to say that I 
think the logic expressed in the preceding paragraphs applies to other 
areas as well.  For example, enjoying a well written, stimulating 
pedophile or D&s story does not mean that you "are" a pedophile or 
submissive or whatever; it just means that you recognize certain sexy 
aspects of such stories.  It is my opinion that regularly reading and 
enjoying such stories does, in fact, make it more likely that the 
person reading and enjoying them would engage in these activities if 
given a chance to do so and if there were no good reasons to refrain.  
If that presents a problem (as I think is the case with rape and 
pedophila), the solution is not to blame or denounce the stories, but 
rather to look for and give importance to legitimate, sound reasons why 
such behaviors need to be avoided - perhaps by reading or writing 
stories that show more realistic consequences.  (One of the stories on 
my Top 100 list did just that.  In "Raped Teen Burglar" TEX took a 
story about how much fun it would be to rape a teenage girl and turned 
it into a vivid description of the likely consequences of that kind of 
activity.) These insights may obvious to many of you, and others may 
disagree with them; but I think I'll leave them in this review.  After 
all, I gave you that great lawyer joke; so a little seriousness may be 
in order.

Back to the story.  The first two thirds of the story was about the 
development of the relationship and contained no sex, and while I read 
it I thought that maybe the extreme objectivity of the author's style 
might make the eventual sex scene less than interesting.  Not to worry!  
This is a really good story, and I hope to see more writing by this 
author.  (Rating: 10)

"Partners" by Deirdre.  It has been a long time since I tried to 
predict a Deirdre plot from its title alone.  As you may recall, I 
stopped making predictions because I was so successful - getting one 
right out of the last fourteen that I attempted.  Partners could be 
about law partners - probably lesbians, one of whom dominates and beats 
the other while that person enjoys it and begs for more.  Or they could 
be simply sex Partners - banging away like minks in heat.  Or they 
could be Partners in a common endeavor of some sort - like working 
together to overcome world hunger, build a better mousetrap, or fuck 
the brains out of someone else.  

After reading the story, I can report that one of my guesses was 
reasonably close.  The overall premise is that a man discovers that a 
woman is a lesbian and she tells him that she's not turned off to men - 
there are just certain things that happen during sex with men that turn 
her off; and if she can call all the shots she'll let the man have sex 
with her.  Actually, this is something I've often wondered about: why 
wouldn't a girl who likes to have another girl fondle her pussy, suck 
her clit, and ram a dildo up her ass enjoy the exchanging the same 
favors with a nice guy; and if the guy likes doing these things, what's 
the problem?  In the world of Deirdre, at least, there is no problem.  
(Rating: 8)

"Pat" by Deirdre.  I'm on a roll now.  I have gotten one of Deirdre's 
plots partially right in a row.  So I am going to read just the first 
paragraph of this story, and then I'll tell you the whole plot.  The 
narrator has returned home from college and finds that Mom has become 
quite diffident, while sister Cheryl now exudes unusual confidence.  
Piece of cake!  Cheryl has obviously used mind control strategies to 
turn Mom into her sex slave, probably under the supervision of an as-
yet-unintroduced dominatrix named Pat.  Slight modification: drop Pat 
the Dominatrix; in the second paragraph Cheryl PATS mom on the ass, 
amply justifying the title and allowing me to apply Occam's razor to 
eliminate the superfluous dominatrix.

After reading the story, I can tell you that I was so close that I'm 
going to count this as two in a row. I think the dominatrix is actually 
Myra's mother, about whom I could have known nothing in the first 
paragraph.  This is a weird story.  (Rating: 9)

"Party" by Deirdre.  A girl with no social life and few social skills 
is taken to a party by her roommate, who gets her to agree to bondage 
games in exchange for mild sexual favors.  The descriptions are 
interesting, but the story doesn't really get off the ground.  Maybe I 
missed something.  (Rating: 5)

"The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (yqv7599@is.nyu.edu).  The man has invented 
an extremely lightweight piece of scuba equipment that converts water 
to oxygen.  A side benefit is that it enables such easy maneuverability 
underwater that it is possible to have sexual intercourse without 
surfacing; and that's what this story is about.  The story is extremely 
short, but it achieves its purpose of describing sexual activity in a 
highly romantic environment.  I liked this story.  (Rating: 9)

"Natalie" by Daniel Shechori, (s1719104@techst02.technion.ac.il).  
Viewers of American commercial television are likely to be familiar 
with a man named Lucky - a well-built hunk who takes a break everyday, 
while all the ladies in the nearby buildings gather at the windows to 
watch him ingest a Diet Coke.  Natalie is Lucky's a.s.s. counterpart.  
She and the narrator take turns on successive workdays eating sexual 
lunches.  It starts with an innocent grape a la Cleopatra and quickly 
moves on to the guy licking a peach with a gentle ferocity that 
strangely resembles cunnilingus. This is a really sexy story, even 
though the main characters never get within ten feet of each other. In 
fact, the narrator professes to know absolutely nothing about Natalie, 
which isn't even her real name.  But somehow, they keep coming back to 
each other each day at lunch.  How sweet!  Pass the bananas, please.  
(Rating: 10)

