




                        CAMPFIRE TALES

                              by 

                           Joe Doe


THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A HALLOWEEN CAMPFIRE STORY, PARTICULARLY 
IF IT FEATURES A NUMBER OF FAMILIAR NAMES....

 

"And when the man came back the next day, he didn't see the 
beautiful hitchhiker," Natalie said, her voice dropping to a 
whisper.  "But he found the tombstone just where the old woman 
said it would be...and, on top of the grave... was the girl's 
white sweater." 

"Yeah!  That was a great one, Natalie," Holly said, clapping her 
hands.  "Nice job!" 

"That was the best one yet!" connie agreed.   

"I don't know....  I thought Ashley's was pretty scary!" Natalie 
countered. 

"Now it's your turn, Joe," Holly said.  "You write all those 
stories on the web.  Now tell us a ghost story!" 

"Yeah, and it had better be a good one!" Natalie said.  "A guy 
lucky enough to go camping on Halloween with four women better 
come up with a decent story."   

"I'm not sure I'm fully prepared," he said, shaking his head, 
sadly.  "I wrote this one pretty fast, at Search'em's request." 

"Come on, this is what you DOOO!" Natalie said.  "Besides, it was 
your idea to tell ghost stories.  We all told a story.  Now it's 
your turn!" 

"Yeah!  We want to be SCARED," Holly said.  "Better make it a 
GOOD one....  And sexy, too!"   

His protests were quickly shouted down, and, as the girls popped 
open their beers, Joe slowly started his tale. 

"Did I ever send Search'em the story of Crazy Carl?" he said.  "It 
was a night just like this one, Halloween in fact, and four girls 
-- very much like you four -- were camping...." 

"Is this going to be some lame Jason movie?" Ashley sighed.  "Cuz 
I can rent one of those, Joe." 

"Besides, it's four girls and a guy, Joe," Holly observed.  "You're 
here." 

"Uh...right," he said.  "And it was the fact that the girls had 
invited the guy that caused all the trouble." 

Joe's first story twist was met with a strong chorus of female 
agreement.   

There was no doubt about it.  Guys were nothing but trouble! 

"You see, the guy went out in the middle of the night for a walk," 
he said.  "And, when he was hiking through the woods, he walked 
over Crazy Carl's grave.  Even though Carl was dead, he didn't 
like people walking on him, so naturally he got pissed." 

"Naturally," Holly agreed, sipping her beer.  "But I want it SEXY.  
Flesh-eating-zombie-vampire-Crazy-Carl-rising-from-his-grave isn't 
sexy."   

"Unless you don't date much, right, connie?" Ashley sneered.  

Natalie's pretty but extremely bookish friend blushed at the 
frontal assault, but said nothing.  Although she was quite lovely, 
and perfectly capable of terrorizing a roomful of her students, 
poor connie was very shy and self-effacing in extra-curricular 
activities.  (Her friends even began spelling her name with a 
lower-case "c.") 

"Leave her alone, Ashley," Natalie said. 

"Yeah," Holly said.  "Just because she isn't a tease like you 
doesn't mean she isn't a nice person."  

"There's nothing wrong with making a guy think you're more 
interested than you are," Holly said mischievously.  "They 
give nicer gifts when they have blue balls!" 

"I want to hear Joe's story, not your autobiography," Natalie said.  
"Go on, Joe." 

"Well, Holly said she wanted it to be like one of my stories on the 
web," Joe said, refreshed from the brief detour.  "So it turns out 
that in life Crazy Carl was actually the notorious strip search 
forest ranger." 

"Strip Search Forest Ranging?" Holly asked.  "Isn't there a merit 
badge for that?" 

"I saw a bunch of Explorer Scouts camping on the other side of the 
lake when we came in," Ashley said.  "Why don't you go ask them, 
Holly?  I'm sure they'd be happy to show you." 

He ignored the interruption and continued.  "When the guy walked 
over Carl's grave, Carl's hand shot out of the earth and grabbed 
his ankle.  The guy tried to get away, but the flesh-eating-zombie 
got a really good grip." 

"They always do," Natalie said, sadly.  "I've dated enough of them 
to know." 

"You've dated enough of everything to know everything," Holly 
parried. 

"At least some of the guys I date occasionally go home happy, 
Holly," Natalie shot back.  "You milk guys in every way but 
the way they'd like." 

"Poor dears!" Ashley snickered.

"After the zombie finished devouring the guy, he naturally made a 
beeline for the camp, where the girls were getting ready for bed," 
Joe persisted.  "The girls didn't see anything until the big 
floodlights came on and illuminated the campsite." 

"Floodlights?" Natalie said. 

"He's a guy zombie, and it's October," connie said, dryly.  "It's 
probably a football thing!"   

"The girls were surprised, naturally," Joe said.  "And that's when 
Carl came out of the woods carrying his sack." 

"I don't think connie has ever seen a guy's sack before, Joe, so 
you should explain," Natalie snickered. 

"Come on, guys," connie said, impatiently.  "Let him tell the 
story.  What was in the sack, Joe?" 

"As you said, it's football season, and this is a guy zombie," 
Holly said.  "It's probably a couch, beer, chips, a big-screen 
TV and a remote." 

"Actually, the first thing he took out of his pack was an axe."  
He drove it into a big tree stump, just like the stump next to me 
right here," Joe said."   

"Obviously a zombie with an axe to grind," Natalie observed. 

"Then he took out a bunch of switches," Joe added. 

"Switches?" Holly asked.  "Like TV switches?" 

"Forget about the darn TV," Joe said, his voice finally betraying 
his irritation.  "I mean birch rods.  It seems that the girl named 
Natalie had been mean to some of her students, and Carl decided 
that the teacher needed a lesson...over his knee!" 

"I'm not mean," Natalie said.  "Except when the little bastards 
tick me off.  What's the deal with switching, anyway?  I thought 
this was supposed to be a strip search forest ranger?  Did Nerdly 
help you write this story?" 

"Maybe he ghosted it," Ashley said. 

When the groaning from the horrible pun stopped, Joe continued.  
"Carl ordered Natalie to drop her drawers and bend over.  Then he 
slipped on a rubber glove and lubed up his hand with a little tube 
of goo he kept in his pocket."   

"Makes sense to me," Ashley said.  "I mean, as long as she's bent 
over, he might as well have a little look-see...." 

"The girl named connie was next," he said.  "She was a college 
professor, and, although she was a sweet person, she was really 
domineering in her classroom.  So Crazy Carl pulled out a boom 
box and inserted a CD." 

"Ohh!  Ohh!" Holly said, raising her hand.  "What was the song?"  

"'Monster Mash'?" Natalie guessed.  

"'Hell's Bells'?" Ashley suggested.

"No," Joe said.  "It was some really sleazy Madonna song." 

"Madonna?" Holly giggled.  "Wow, he must have been insane." 

"A 'really sleazy Madonna song'?" Ashley asked.  "Could you be any 
less specific, Joe?" 

Joe ignored the musical critique of his zombie and continued.  
"Then Crazy Carl took out his video camera and ordered connie to 
stand in front of him.  She was really starting to sweat now, 
because she was painfully shy and didn't like to be photographed." 

His voice dropped low.  "Then he ordered her to start dancing...." 

Poor connie looked a little green at this point, so Natalie tried 
to comfort her.  "Don't worry.  This is just a story.  Joe makes 
up these kinds of stories all the time." 

"Every Friday!" Holly added.  "We get a brand new Sheriff or a 
flesh-eating zombie every week." 

"And then he ordered her to take off her sweater...," Joe said, 
softly.  "While she was dancing for him." 

As Joe described the scene, connie nervously began to fiddle with 
her sweater. 

"She didn't want to do it.  The thought of dancing a striptease 
horrified her!  But Crazy Carl didn't care.  He watched with his 
black eyes as she slowly...slowly...slowly pulled the sweater over 
her head, all the while swaying gently to pounding beat of the 
music." 

Joe took the handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his brow.  
"Maybe it's the campfire...but I'm starting to get warm." 

"I think you'd better put away that dorky monogrammed handkerchief 
of yours and finish this one before connie pukes," Holly said. 

Joe took the hint.  "And then, after he stripped her, he searched 
her and sent the videotape to all of her students....  The End." 
he said quickly. 

"Speaking of puking, the girl named Holly was next," he went on, 
pointedly.  "Crazy Carl didn't order her to strip.  Instead he 
ordered her to her knees.  Her icy heart raced as he reached for 
his zipper." 

"I'd NEVER do that," Holly said.  "I don't care how many engagement 
rings or cars a guy gives me.  I never get on my knees." 

"She didn't have any choice," Joe explained.  "She hated it, but 
she did it.  And she swallowed every drop!" 

"Zombie cum!" Natalie shouted out, happily.  "Holly swallowed 
zombie cum!" 

"MMM-MMM-GOOD!" Ashley chortled.  She turned to the obviously 
disgusted Holly and licked her lips.  "Good to the last drop," 
she teased. 

"What happened to Ashley?" Ashley sniffed.  "Don't forget 
everyone's favorite little princess!" 

"Holly was still making faces and trying to get the taste out 
of her mouth when Carl turned to Ashley," Joe said.  "First he 
stripped Holly naked, then he searched her."   

"BORE-ING" Holly said.  "Carl does that to everyone!" 

"Then he cuffed Ashley's hands behind her back and marched her 
into the woods." 

"Does he eat her?" Holly said, anxiously.  "Tell me that he eats 
her!" 

"Just because you swallowed for the zombie, Holly, that doesn't 
mean I get eaten," Ashley said. 

"No, Carl took her to the Explorer Camp," Joe said.  "It seems 
there was a special campout for Explorer Scouts in their last 
year of scouting.   All the boys were 18, but they were pretty 
nerdy, and they weren't used to girls.  So Carl dropped Ashley 
off at the camp, naked and handcuffed, and let her spend the 
night with the guys." 

"How many guys?" Ashley asked, nervously. 

"About 50." 

"So Ashley helps 50 guys earn their strip search merit badge?" 
Holly asked. 

"And then some," Joe said. 

"I'm sure that experience left a bad taste in her mouth," Holly 
teased. 

"At least it wasn't zombie cum," Ashley shot back.  "Crazy Carl 
made you swallow his ZOMBIE CUM!" 

"As much as I'd like to listen to this all night, ladies, this 
concludes the Joe Doe story hour." Joe said, standing up.  "If 
you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk down to the lake and enjoy 
the scenery we're all supposed to be looking at." 

And, after a polite smattering of applause for his story, Joe did 
just that.   

Natalie was putting away the beer and preparing to turn in for the 
night when it happened. 

The campsite was illuminated by a flood of light. 

Holly and Ashley were shocked to see night turn into day, and 
immediately came out of their tents.  Soon all four women were 
standing in the center of the camp, staring at the floodlights 
all around them. 

It was then that they saw HIM move out the shadows, faint at first, 
and then more distinct.  As he walked past the lights, the girls 
were momentarily blinded, but as he moved closer the campers got 
a better look. 

The man was tall, wet, dirty, and covered with leaves.  He was 
wearing what appeared to be a tattered park ranger uniform. 

And the uniform was covered in blood.  All four girls remained 
silent as the towering figure walked up and dumped his forest 
green sack onto the ground. 

The woman gasped as he effortlessly drove his bloody axe into the 
old tree stump. 

He was tall, about 6'1.  His eyes were black and lifeless, and 
scars criss-crossed his face, and blood dribbled from his mouth.  
On his lapel was a park service name-tag that read simply, "Carl." 

He took a box of out of his sack and carefully extracted a glove.  
All four women jumped at the sound as he SNAPPED it onto his hand.  

Natalie felt her bottom cheeks clench as she watched him pull out 
a bundle of switches. 

"You...teacher lady," he hissed at Natalie in a zombie-like voice.  
"Are you carrying any drugs?" 

"No...no, sir," Natalie said, nervously. 

"Well then, you won't mind me checking, will you?" he replied. 

Natalie watched in silent horror as Carl moved a small tube of 
lubricant from the sack to his shirt pocket. 

She knew what was coming next, and she knew that she had a decision 
to make. 

Was this REAL?  Had Joe's lame story somehow conjured up some sort 
of Halloween phantom destined to strip search them all?  Would the 
flesh-eating zombie rip them to pieces if they resisted? 

And would Ashley and Holly ever be able to bear the thought of 
cream in their coffee again? 

Natalie suspected the story was just a little too pat...a little 
too perfect.  This camping trip had been planned for weeks.  There 
was plenty of time for Joe to set something like this up. 

But then she noticed the small rag sticking out of the bag.  The 
corner was white linen, but the rest of the rag was red.   

She squinted.  In the corner of the tiny white scrap of cloth were 
the initials "J.D." 

She shivered when she realized what it was.  It was Joe Doe's nerdy 
handkerchief.   

And it was soaked in blood. 

She knew the other girls were looking to her.  Holly was the 
fittest, connie the smartest, and Ashley the most sophisticated.  
But Natalie was the one with the most pluck.  If anyone was going 
to take a chance with Crazy Carl the axe-wielding zombie, it was 
Natalie.   

"Take your clothes off, teacher lady," Carl said softly.  "Nice and 
slow.  I want to enjoy this." 

He smiled and tapped the birch rods against his palm.  "When you're 
done, these switches are going to pepper that little backside of 
yours," he added with a snicker. 

Natalie knew it was decision time.  She looked first at the 
switches.  They were long and slender, with scratchy fresh 
buds still attached.   

She winced.  They'd set her bottom on fire.  

She looked at Carl's long middle finger.  It was twitching 
spastically as if it just couldn't wait to get started. 

Clenched her thighs together, she thought of where that finger 
would go. 

She looked at the bloody handkerchief and then at the axe.  Lastly 
she looked into Carl's cold, black eyes. 

She swallowed, took a deep breath, and made her decision. 

The hearts of the other three girls hearts sank as Natalie 
reluctantly began to unbutton her red flannel shirt. 

From the hilltop overlooking the campsite, Joe Doe watched as 
Search'em methodically adjusted the lenses on each of the 10 
video cameras that he had hooked up to his laptop. 

Search'em smiled as he zoomed the camera in on Natalie's trembling 
fingers.  The black contact lenses and the forest ranger uniform 
for Duffy had cost a fortune....  

But the videotape would be worth every penny.



Edited by C. Lakewood




