Celestial Reviews 51 - Jan 10, 1996

Note:  The proofreading service is in full operation, and people are 
reporting successful use of it.  Since I was on vacation, I was 
slightly behind on requests, but I think I have caught up completely.  
If you requested help but have not received it yet, you might want to 
repeat your request.  IF YOU WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING 
A STORY, contact me, and I'll match you up with some of the reviewers.  
Remember: you're not admitting to being a "bad writer" by asking for a 
proofreader.  Everyone can benefit from having someone to help with 
their work.

- Celeste

      "Beach Bunny Bingo" by The Flash (Valley Girl Sex) 4
      "Saved by the Bell" by Roger P. Tipe (Celebrity Sex) 6
      "Photo" by Deirdre (photographic voyeurism) 10
      "Pool" by Deirdre (voyeurism) 6
      "Program" by Deirdre (spouse watching) 10
      "Adventures on Flight 109" by Ann Douglas (Mile high sex)
            10
      "Robot Takeover" by Robotdoll (sci fi) 10
      "Tom's Birthday Surprise" by Tom in Sacramento (orgy) 9.5
      "Eight" by Stephanie (sex with Celeste) 8
      "Spare Change" by Dafney Dewitt (control) 10

"Beach Bunny Bingo" by The Flash.  Valley girls are a much maligned 
minority, and this story does nothing to eliminate the stereotype that 
they invariably have very tiny brains that reside somewhere inside 
their ravenously active cunts.  (Q. Why don't Valley Girls like anal 
sex?  A. They don't like having someone mess with their brains.)  (Q. 
Why are so few Valley Girls touch-typists?  A. Most of them are hunt'n 
peckers.)  Valley girls may not be rocket scientists, but the narrator 
of this story might be; for example, he displays an acute mathematical 
ability that enables him to note at a glance that the naked tit in 
front of him is a perfect 34B.  I think some of the stuff in this story 
must be an exaggeration.  

I mean, do you think two girls would really flag down a van and then 
have one of them drive while the other slides into the bed in back to 
fuck the brains out of the driver?  No way, dude!  But as Rhett Butler 
said in one of Ernest Hemingway's novels, "Isn't it pretty to think 
so?"

Although this story has periods at the end of sentences, it lacks other 
punctuation that would clarify its major insights; but this omission 
won't bother its intended audience, which I assume consists of 
fraternity guys like the narrator who think they have 8-inch cocks and 
like to believe that the world is full of 34B's with hot cunts eager to 
satisfy them.  This is not an awful story, nor is this a particularly 
evil fantasy; but although its title is somewhat more informative than 
most of Deirdre's, this story is simply not as creative as most of the 
others that I have reviewed recently.  Cowabunga dude! (Rating: 4)

"Saved by the Bell" by Roger P. Tipe.  "Saved by the Bell" is a 
wholesome American television show that 12- to 15-year-olds watch 
because they think it is romantic and they can identify with the 
adolescent emotions expressed on that show.  (Actually, it's the show 
that these teenagers quickly switch to while they are watching the 
afternoon soaps and a parent walks through the room.)  Episodes 
generally focus on the blundering but kindly principal and a group of 
well meaning teenagers who have minor personality flaws (usually 
referred to as hubris in classical Greek tragedies), but everything 
invariably turns out all right at the end of each episode.  Older 
adolescents, including adults who are tired of thinking too hard, also 
watch this show.  In fact, the second largest audience (after the 
prepubescents) consists of Horny American Males, who watch the show 
because they lust after Kelli.  Since Kelli is a bit of a goody-goody, 
the members of this latter audience, I am told, often engage in manly 
conversation that describes what they would like to do to Kelli.  Their 
plans rarely involve an engagement ring or matrimonial bliss.  In fact, 
this story is a pretty good description of how lots of these guys think 
they would like to see Miss Sweety Pie get her comeuppance.  Of course, 
these ideas are all wrong and evil and that sort of thing, but I feel a 
lot better knowing that guys are fantasizing about gang raping the 
fictional Kelli instead of harboring similar plots against hard working 
English teachers.

In spite of the virtues cited in the preceding paragraph, a problem 
with the story is that the characters are way out of character.  I am 
one of the few adults who actually watch this show without lust in my 
heart.  It conveys wholesome values; I think Deirdre is a consulting 
editor.  My point is that neither Zach nor Slater would ever do 
anything to really hurt Kelli; nor would Screech - at least not on 
purpose.  The really good parodies posted with this newsgroup (for 
example, some of the Star Trek stories and the Andy of Mayberry story 
that made my Top 100 list for 1995) let us see the characters as they 
really would be IF they engaged in sex on the show.  Thus, while Andy 
humps Helen in the story that I reviewed last year, he doesn't rape her 
or sodomize her against her will.  Andy acts like Andy, and Barny acts 
like Barny - and we can use what we know about them to enhance our 
enjoyment of the story.  This is not possible in the present story; 
it's just a fairly vivid story about a prissy little bitch getting 
what's coming to her.

In addition, this author should PROOFREAD HIS GODDAM STORIES a little 
more carefully!  But it's still a pretty decent story for its genre.  
(Rating: 6)

"Photo" by Deirdre.  In her disclaimer before this story Deirdre says 
that she herself "discovered she was bisexual" during her senior year 
of high school: she was watching a movie in which a female character 
took off some of her clothes in an obvious sexual situation and she 
found herself getting turned on.  She adds that the closest she ever 
actually came to an actual sexual experience with a female was when she 
and one of her friends had watched a movie with a bisexual scene and 
decided to try a kiss.  That led to some fondling, but it stopped far 
short of orgasm or even full frontal nudity.  Deirdre says she will 
always be monogamous with her heterosexual husband, but these 
experiences lead her to believe that she "is" bisexual.

I have all the respect in the world for Deirdre, but I simply have to 
disagree with her disclaimer.  If the word "bisexual" means anything, 
it should *exclude* someone through its definition.  It has been my 
observation that the female world can conveniently be divided into two 
groups: those who admit to being turned on by other sexy women and 
those who lie about it and deny that they are turned on in this way.  
Women who deny they are turned on by other sexy women have invariably 
had something happen to make them repress their feeling of attraction.  
I'm not saying that anyone is sick or even that this repression is 
especially desirable or undesirable; I don't even believe that society 
would be all that much better if more women actively lusted after their 
female coworkers or patted their teenage daughters on the ass.  I'm 
simply saying that unless something impinges on a person's existence 
(such as unpleasant personal experiences or societal taboos) any normal 
woman would be turned on to see two sexy supermodels grind their bodies 
together.  There are plenty of good reasons not to go around looking 
for opportunities to witness such activities and even better reasons 
not to participate; but I don't see anything to be gained by suggesting 
that women who feel this kind of interest and attraction are the ones 
who are unusual.

The same thing can be said about men.  I think they also have a natural 
tendency to be turned on by sexually exciting men as well as by hot 
women - except to the extent that they have repressed this tendency.  
Men have a stronger tendency to repress this than women - because there 
is a greater stigma attached to this attraction, probably because 
throughout history winning warriors have had a tradition of buttfucking 
the losers.  But I don't think a person should say that he "is" gay or 
bisexual simply because he thinks another guy is hot.

I don't mean the preceding paragraphs to be derogatory toward 
straights, gays, or bis.  All I am saying is that these FEELINGS are 
perfectly natural for almost everybody and that it is counterproductive 
to say that you "are" bisexual just because you enjoy images or 
isolated experiences that involve being turned on by sexy experiences 
with both sexes.  Based on what she tells us in the disclaimer, all 
that Deirdre IS is "normal."

I make this a major point because I think it is especially relevant to 
this newsgroup.  The stories posted here give us the opportunity to 
experience in a vicarious manner many activities that we cannot 
(sometimes SHOULD not) experience in real life.  I am not referring 
simply to rape and other socially problematic behaviors, but also to 
perfectly sane and sensible behaviors - like making love to a person of 
the same gender as myself when I know full well that I am going to 
devote myself for the rest of my life to a monogamous relationship with 
a person of the male persuasion.  I think keeping these insights in the 
back of our minds can enable us to grow through our reading - even 
while we enjoy the stories.  Sometimes I think a good dirty story may 
be a better growth experience reading Beowulf or even taking a whole 
course in geometry.

Back to the story itself. A mother visits her college daughter and goes 
for a swim while the child goes to cheerleading practice.  The 
daughter's roommate and some friends come into the room and find the 
mother naked after a shower.  I don't want to ruin the story for you by 
disclosing the entire plot, but let me suggest that if you ever find 
yourself in this position and someone in the group of young ladies 
suggests taking just one little photograph, you should think over the 
possible consequences before saying yes.  And also remember that modern 
technology makes it extremely easy to make copies of Polaroid pictures.  
(Rating: 10)

"Pool" by Deirdre.  A woman is able to look from her attic into the 
backyard of her sexy neighbor, where she observes nudity and various 
sexual activities.  Finally, she can stand it no longer and goes over 
to join in the festivities herself.  This is a longer than normal story 
for Deirdre, but not that much more actually happens.  I think this 
story should have been a lot shorter.  (Rating: 6)

"Program" by Deirdre.  After the couple spends an evening with the 
wife's best friend, the wife tells the husband that she'd like him to 
seduce the friend and fuck her in the ass.  She even gives him detailed 
instructions on how to seduce her and accomplish this task.  And 
there's more.  This is grotesque stuff, but very realistic - sort of 
like one of those recurring dreams I have that reside in that limbo 
between good dreams and nightmares.

As many readers of these reviews already know, there is reason to 
believe that Deirdre is actually the reincarnation of Sherwood 
Anderson, the American short story writer who gained fame by writing 
about the peculiarities of the hapless citizens of Clyde, Ohio.  My own 
recent research has cast new light on this matter.  It seems that 
Sherwood Anderson himself may have been the reincarnation of Lord 
Chesterfield, who oddly enough may have been born in Clyde, England, 
near Sherwood Forest, and whose real father's real name was possibly 
Andrew.  Of particular relevance to this review is one of Lord 
Chesterfield's famous statement about sexual activity: "The pleasure is 
momentary, the position is ridiculous, and the expense is damnable."  
Deirdre herself couldn't encapsulate her stories with greater pith and 
wisdom.  This is getting spooky.

Anyway, this is a very good story.  (Rating: 10)

"Adventures on Flight 109" by Ann Douglas.  The 45-year-old woman's 
companion in the next seat on the jet is a woman who appears to be 
about 20 years old.  We know she is a first time flier, because she 
actually listens intently to the flight attendant's safety speech.  The 
older woman holds the younger woman's hand to make her feel secure 
during takeoff.  Intimacies escalate when the older woman discovers 
that masturbation helps alleviate the younger woman's fear of flying.  
Had Erica Jong known about this, her famous book might have had a 
different twist.  Literally.  (Rating: 10)

"Robot Takeover" by Robotdoll (Robotdoll@aol.com).  Apparently there 
have been several stories posted on a.s.s. with a focus on robotic sex.  
I'm going to keep this one in mind the next time my husband tries to 
transfer his sexual inadequacies to me by saying I am making love "like 
a robot."  Maybe robot love ain't all bad!  Anyhow, the gist of this 
story is that the robot is supposed to be the sextoy of the user. 
However, when the user adjusts the dominance level too high (by 
tweaking a nipple, of course), roles are reversed, and the user becomes 
the sextoy of the sextoy.  Not a bad premise!  The only flaw in the 
story was that a properly programmed computer would be using Celestial 
Grammar and would, therefore, not be inclined to say "Lay down!"  This 
was a very creative story.  (Rating: 10)

"Tom's Birthday Surprise" by Tom in Sacramento 
(an248036@anon.penet.fi).  This is a really hot story about a man whose 
wife gives him a birthday present consisting of an orgy with herself 
and two women that she knows he really likes.  I'm not going to tell 
you the details - you can read them for yourself.  Although this story 
has minor flaws, it is almost non-stop hot sex.  However, since I know 
that many people read these reviews to improve their own writing, let 
me take two paragraphs to point out how this story could be improved.

There are two problems with this story.  First, the tenses are messed 
up.  The author obviously intended to write in the present tense, but 
he frequently switches back and forth between the present and the past.  
(Note that I also have changed tenses in this very paragraph, but I 
have done so correctly.)  This inappropriate switching of tenses is an 
annoyance to the reader.  Even more importantly, it throws away verb 
tense as a useful tool in the story.  Because of the author's 
carelessness, the reader is forced to assume that all tenses are really 
the same. Therefore, if the author really does want to convey the 
notion that one action came before another, he has no easy way to do 
this.

The second problem arises from the discussion of emotions and 
motivations during the story.  In the middle of really hot sexual 
activity - I think two of the female protagonists had already had two 
orgasms apiece and the man was building to a earth-shattering climax of 
his own {Ooops! Maybe that was me!} - they all pause and discuss how 
good it felt and wonder whether it would be OK for Tom to stick his 
cock up Barbara's ass.  Everyone agrees that this would be emotionally 
fulfilling and wonderful, and the action resumes.  I understand the 
author's motivation - he was trying to show us that these are four 
sensitive people having non-destructive group sex; but the pause in the 
action didn't quite ring true.  At a time like this it would have been 
better to focus more on action and less on words - as the song says: "A 
little less talk and a lot more action."

Both of these problems could be overcome by better proofreading.  The 
author was simply too close to the story to see what was wrong.  
Recently, I posted my own story ("Virtuous Reality"). I think mine was 
a good story; and I am certain that it was a much better story after I 
received and reacted to feedback from two skilled readers.  I have no 
way to enforce such suggestions, but I would like to urge this writer 
(as well as the writers of many other stories) to incorporate 
improvements into their texts when they repost these stories.  (Rating: 
9.5)

"Eight" by Stephanie (an266891@anon.penet.fi).  Upset by the lowly 
rating of "8" that her most recent story received in Celestial Reviews, 
Stephanie has set out to inflict revenge upon the craven critic who 
imposed this indignity upon her.  For Stephanie, as we know, has 
recently achieved the improbable distinction of winning the annual 
Celestial Story Award twice within a period of six months; and so she 
might have justification for the meager rating bestowed upon her magnum 
opus.  I suppose the story could be interpreted as an allegory of the 
futility of arguing with an ivory tower critic - even a beautiful, 
sexy, sensitive, and highly intelligent ivory tower critic.

The present story lacks realism in several important respects.  First, 
a person carrying a clipboard and purporting to be taking a survey 
would look really out of place in my neighborhood.

Second, the "Celeste" in this story immediately showed an awareness of 
the plot of Stephanie's most recent story.  In reality, I read 20 
stories a week; and without at least a general hint, I cannot remember 
anyone's plots - except, of course, those by Deirdre (which are so 
descriptively labeled) and those by Backrub (who usually lifts his 
plots from rough notes I myself made in my diary roughly 20 years ago.)

Third, AOL is a most honorable corporation.  AOL employees do not give 
out the real names and addresses of members; and even if they did so, 
it is unlikely that these would be accurate.

Fourth, in Stephanie's version of events Celeste says she has to stay 
home to grade papers.  This is silly.  With all the time I spend 
writing these reviews and making love to my husband, I have no time to 
actually grade papers.  I simply toss them into the air at the top of 
the stairs.  Those that land near the top get A's, those near the 
bottom F's, etc.  Sometimes I also curve the grades based on the 
quality of sex I get that night.

Fifth, white panties indeed!

In spite of these flaws, this is a creative story.  If any other 
authors want to write fantasies that include me, I'd like to encourage 
the practice.  (Please do not feel constrained to make them consistent 
with any other stories you may have heard about me.  For example, it is 
not necessary to include a torture chamber in my basement, because I 
don't really have one.  In addition, it is not necessary to give the 
story a setting in the rustic paradise of Sulphur Springs.  It is also 
important to note that monogamy and heterosexuality are important to me 
only in real life.)  

An actual problem with this story is that it requires a little too much 
inside knowledge.  Although I acknowledge that my reviews have 
widespread readership, I seriously doubt that there are that many 
readers out there who have followed my career closely enough to catch 
the inside humor.  I feel flattered that a writer as good as Stephanie 
would take the time to write a story about me, and I feel sort of 
obligated to return the flattery by giving this story a "10."  However, 
a more ironic - perhaps even eponymous - rating is probably in order.  
(Rating: 8)

"Spare Change" by Dafney Dewitt (dafneyd@ix.netcom.com).  This is not a 
sexy story.  If you want to get a hard on or get your juices flowing, I 
am almost certain that this story will not help you.  As a matter of 
fact, the story nearly made me gag.  Literally.  On the other hand, 
this is a very GOOD story.  It's an example of what we literature 
teachers call Naturalism.  That is, it goes beyond realism and shows 
how really fucked up life can be.  This is also an example of excellent 
feminist writing - although I cannot say for sure that the author is a 
female.  It's a thought-provoking commentary on how some men treat 
women.

The story focuses on an affluent man and a beggar woman.  The man 
decides to get his sexual jollies by humiliating the woman, and she 
turns the tables on him in a very interesting way.  

This is also the first story that I know for sure has gone through my 
Volunteer Proofreading Service.  I cannot comment on what the story 
would have been like without that assistance, but right now it's an 
excellent story.  (Rating: 10)

