

Chapter 1


*********


I am not a writer....so as far as grammar, spelling and such I 
just do the best that I can, and if people are really interested in 
this story then you might as well forget about instant 
gratification, consider that fair warning, so if my pace doesn't 
suite you then give up now and go back to your other 
superficial-instant-gratification self-indulgences.

All sounds rather self-important doesn't it? Well tough!

The circumstances surrounding and involving my life are 
undoubtedly what have brought you and I together yet again, 
but if you are new to my story...my life...this 'Diary' of sorts, 
then I will forewarn you that I have control issues, and maybe a 
few anger issues; How, when, and why those issues all started 
will become self explanatory as time goes on, so if you want to 
know more you have to read more. 

So lets begin by me trying to help you, understand me, a little 
better. Got that? Good, we may proceed.

Around the time I turned twelve (Yes I skipped birth and 
toddler years, for that I am sure you will want to thank me at 
great length, but enough, we must move along quickly) my 
Mother worried at great length that I might be suppressing 
some emotions beyond the normal angst of youth. I wish a little 
'angst' was all there was, I suppose I became rebellious, but I 
have maintained my dignity, integrity and self-respect all along 
the way. Being rebellious does not mean you just throw 
yourself into any given situation with reckless abandon. I rebel 
quietly, starting with how I dressed, actually all I was doing 
was dressing 'down' while trying to retain my tomboyish ways, 
yet I like to keep my hair long, I never like my hair short. It was 
really just the way my body was developing, Mother-Nature 
was not cooperating with me, so I turned to clothing which can 
offer a wonderful way to disguise your body as it changes 
(grows). I wasn't ashamed of being a girl, I love being a girl and 
having a great body, but I didn't want to deal with the way guys 
were starting to look at me differently; hitting on me, and 
staring at me.

'Come on, I'm your buddy, let's go climb a tree, ride bikes, play 
some sports!' That was my attitude for years even up until High 
School, but as I indicated, I grew taller and filled out. Then the 
boys acted awkward, gone was the laid back attitude of being 
friends, now they started 'acting'; shy, cool, or just plain 
strange. 

"What are you doing?" I asked and pushed one guy down 
when we were standing in my back yard one day after school.

"I wanted to kiss you." He said with a shocked expression on 
his face as he looked up at me, still sitting on his butt, "Don't 
make that face, don't be mad!" 

"Don't make that face." I swear if I never had to hear that 
comment again for the rest of my life, but you see I have this 
unfortunate habit (unfortunate if you are on the receiving end 
of it) of making a real sour-scrunched expression whenever 
something grosses me out, it is very effective <sly smile>. But 
no you goofs, kissing does not gross me out but the thought of 
some guy just walking up and kissing on me without my 
permission does gross me out. So anyway I always insisted in 
buying clothes at least one size too big, I wanted to have the 
baggy jeans like the boys and the big tee-shirts, none of that 
wearing at the waist line, or below the hips, butt hugging pants 
bullshit.

The real worry with my parents was that I became 
quiet...brooding, and my smile faded a little as I struggled with 
girlfriends who loved to dress in the latest fashion trends while I 
simply looked like a fashion 'wreck'. That is not necessarily a 
bad situation for me as I am thoroughly disgusted by what I see 
going on around me. Just look around, all of these bean-pole 
women on television ads and TV-shows that are suppose to be 
strong, athletic yet they look so anemic and scrawny I doubt 
they could kick down a cardboard door. And don't forget 
TV/Pictures/Film will add weight to you, so can you imagine 
how scrawny these women must really be.

Oh well, I am just 'old' at heart and too serious for my years 
sometimes. I wish I could relax and just enjoy life, but 
everything seems to affect me so deeply that it pains me 
emotionally at times to see so many people in the world 
suffering while I have so much. Sorry, that's kind of a downer 
to read I know, but it affects me so I might as well put it out 
there because it spills over into everything I do.

My Dad, well....thank God for Dad, he really supported me 
thru all of my sports and I think he was so proud to have such 
strong girl. I was kind of the best of both worlds, interested in 
playing sports while I could get dressed up when I had to be his 
'little girl'. That brings a smile to my face as I say the word 
'little', I stand at 5' 10", which is a blessing and curse...I don't 
like being the center of attention as I am going about my daily 
business...but when your tall, blonde (yes I'm blonde, it was 
bound to come up so let's get it over with) and athletic, you 
WILL attract attention, I mean what the fuck? Am I some kind 
of tourist attraction?


*********


Not having much of a dating life was fine with me, this was 
because I focused primarily on sports, studying, and most 
importantly because my family history was not open for 
discussion. The closer you get to someone the more they are 
likely to pry deep into your personal affairs. That's funny, did I 
say 'likely'? Scratch that, people WILL pry into your personal 
life no matter what, so I had to be on-guard at all times.

And then something weird began to happen, odd how life will 
twist and turn things around. Over the years my athletic, 
studious, and quiet demeanor began to set me apart (secretly I 
liked that, I think?). So get this! Guys actually started to 
worship the ground I walked on (okay maybe is a bit of a 
stretch, but I'm making a point here) I was viewed as some 
hard working, jock-girl that made great grades and was the 
'good girl'. And how can I leave out this little gem of 
information, there were the other girl's in my school, mostly 
sluts, who would say to me "We need to get you laid!" Why? 
So my reputation (like theirs) can have the word 'whore' 
attached to it as well? 

No thank you!

God I was so frustrated with all of these superficial social 
games. So immature. 'It's just the natural process of being a 
teenager and how the dynamics work in High School.' My 
Mom said, and yeah I already figured that out, but you must be 
joking? Who approved this form of socializing and made it a 
standard? I demand answers! And then I will be dishing out 
consequences! 

To make matters all the more interesting, and challenging, boys 
shifted into sex overdrive so hanging out and expecting a 
relaxing moment was not to be found. I have strict parents by 
the way, if you have not already guessed, who would not let me 
invite a guy over unless they were home, and I would not go 
over a guy's house if his parents were not home. I did not sneak 
around these rules by the way, because (A) I respect my 
parents, and (B) I did not want to have to clobber some guy for 
putting the moves on me, hence begins the 'uber control' phase 
of my life.

But even with all these ground rules in place that didn't stop 
guys from trying something; Steve, Mike, Curtis, Jeff...to name 
a few friends would show up, or conveniently invite themselves 
over. Then try to sit next to me on the couch, waaayyyyyy too 
close. I'm looking down like 'my personal space is being 
invaded here' but I am not totally clueless, the light bulb went 
off when their arm would relax on the back of the sofa to try 
and pull me in close. Some tried a little intro line like 'Wow, 
you're getting really buff Corbin.' Then they move in for the 
kiss, or stuff like, 'You're the most beautiful girl in school.' I 
literally snorted and laughed out loud when I heard that the 
first time, hurt the guys feelings a little, but oh well. 

Guys are very persistent, they will try to 'get it on' anywhere 
and anyplace, even with my parents upstairs, for me that was 
very-VERY uncomfortable and rude. 

So I tried to steer clear of as many pitfalls as possible; just be a 
good, hard working student and good things will happen right? 
Not always, a few of those backstabbing, jealous bitches in my 
school cranked up the rumor mill on me. That I was a lesbian! I 
got a phone call one night from a friend on the gymnastics team 
asking me if it was true, I tried not to flip out, but that was also 
the first time I remember my real temper ever surfacing. I paced 
my room wanting to cry and go into a fit of rage all at the same 
time (actually thats fairly usual for me, but anyway) how 
humiliating! I actually had clenched my fists so tight that my 
knuckles had become white, then I had images of pounding 
someones face into a bloody mess as a means of retaliation. 
'Chill - Calm down - Get a grip', I knew those girls were clever, 
but I knew I could outwit those conniving jerks, well maybe. 
The logic of their smear champaign made some sense; I was a 
jock and rarely ever dated, and I did not have a steady 
boyfriend. Heck, now that I thought about it, I couldn't ever 
remember having a boyfriend prior to my Senior year in High 
School. 

So like with everything I do, I sat down at my desk and made a 
list of guys that I think I might really like, but I was soon 
running out of options. My list of pros and cons was not 
weighing in favor of any guys at my school, this was very 
worrisome, is my grading scale on dating too severe? But I still 
wanted to be able to have an answer ready in the morning 
because I knew I was going to get slammed by the 'lesbian' 
rumors. Those gossiping bitches, they always flood the 
communication channels with their shit at the end of the day, 
allowing it to cook over night so everyone is worked up into a 
feeding frenzy by the next morning. You know what, forget this 
crap, I am packing my bags and moving to the mountains to 
become a happy hermit. 

I felt socially doomed and went to bed depressed and confused 
as to why I could not find a suitable boyfriend, never mind the 
fact that once I made my mind up, the chosen guy, would just 
fall all over himself to agree with my selection. That's a huge 
assumption on my part. Like he would choose any different? A 
arrogant smirk slipped out of the corner of my mouth as I lay in 
bed staring up at the ceiling as I imagined that I would use the 
direct approach;
"Look dude! You are my boyfriend now, got that? Now just do 
as I say and no one gets hurt!"

On the flip side, I knew plenty of girls at my school who played 
sports that were openly gay so what's the big deal? 

The big deal? I'll tell you the big deal, I'm NOT gay, I like 
guys!


**********


The next day was not really all that bad, the drama of the day 
did not live up to the drama in my fantasies. Yes there were 
friends that came up to me and inquired as to what all the talk 
was about, but not much else. Still punishment must be dealt 
out for the fact I was an anxiety filled mess the night before. 

To just pile even more pressure and anxiety on top of things I 
had a gymnastic meet with a nearby High School that 
afternoon, so I had to get into my 'game mode', although my 
gymnastics career doesn't last for long. As I may have already 
alluded to, I can't compete with all the tiny girls that schools try 
to pass off for 'mature' gymnasts these days. But on the plus 
side I was really into lifting weights which meant I started to 
look very defined, which in turn meant I cut a killer figure in 
my leotard, especially with my full C cup boobs (freaking-
fracking pain, nah not really, breasts can be a blessing and a 
curse, I just usually bitch about them during sports.) So now the 
attention from guys was going thru the roof, seems I have 
developed quite a following of fans. Fans Eh?...so what....fan-
schmans....I never paid much attention to guys when at any 
sporting event, I had to stay focused and rarely made eye 
contact with anyone outside of my team, I was determined to 
stay focused, mainly out of fear of breaking my darn neck you 
dopes.

"11:00" Stacy says from my right as I tape up my wrist, "He's 
checking you out, oh he is hot!"

"Huh?" I say in my somewhat typical, clueless, lethargic 
manner, because I am not in the mood for distractions. I was 
actually slipping into a nice funk of a depression, now is about 
as good a time as any I suppose, why not spiral into a full 
blown, poor me, I have such a horrible life, depression right 
before some important competition! 

"Wake up silly, over there." She hisses again and tilts her head 
toward where the guy was standing.

Irritated I mutter something like "What?" and it feels like it 
takes all my effort to lift my head and even look in that general 
direction, but all I see is a whole bunch of dorky guys staring in 
our direction, some of them are taking pictures now too, what 
the heck? I didn't give anyone permission to take my picture. 
Oh well, no big deal, I really don't care, just flashes of anger 
again. Besides I'm sure when I do a full split it's my hairdo that 
is the primary focus of attention, yeah sure...right...whatever.

Stacy was about to further clarify whom she was talking about, 
but then bingo, I see him. He's standing near the opposing 
team, across the gym floor, and he's looking right at me, I 
think, I hope this is not one of those moments where you think 
someone is looking at you but really isn't. He does a quick 
smile and then looks away, hmmm, now that's a good sign. He 
looks back up at me and stares, smiling again I get that little 
flutter in my stomach and my insides feel warm for a second, 
wow, hot damn, now this is what I am talking about! This is 
the kind of reaction I have been waiting for! Oh wait a second, I 
hope his personality doesn't suck, it probably will since I am 
still clinging on to my downward slide of a depression. 

"Damn Corbin." Stacy leans in to whisper in my ear. So the 
day starts out crappy, keeps getting worse (mainly because I 
wanted it to in my own mind), but then ends with me feeling on 
top of the world. Who plans this stuff? I can't, but I'm still a 
little skeptical because I think someone, somewhere, must be 
messing with me. 

Yes there are greater forces at work here people. If you didn't 
already know that (speaking to you new folks) then your in for 
a pleasant bit of misery. <another sly smile>.

His name is Erik and we would start dating soon after that first 
moment of eye-contact. He tracked me down right after the 
meet, because that is what guys are supposed to do, to hell with 
chasing any guy, he was making ga-ga eyes at me so let him do 
all the work. And he did. He caught up with me before I got on 
the bus to head home and asked for my phone number/e-mail 
and I gave it to him. So far so good, and his personality was 
nice and humble, and did I mention gorgeous? It was hilarious, 
all the girl's had their faces plastered to the bus windows as we 
talked. The fact that he went to another High School only 
fueled the mystery and intrigue, it also pissed off a lot of guys as 
I had gone 'outside our local system' to date someone, as if no 
one at my school was good enough.

It wasn't always smooth sailing, especially in the beginning. 
Erik immediately broke up with his current girlfriend to start 
dating me, but this stuff happens, and while I would rather not 
be caught up in having some girl get her heart broken, I am also 
not going to sit on the sidelines forever. I especially wasn't at all 
prepared for the barrage of text messages and even calls (which 
I would immediately hang up) from his ex-girlfriend telling me 
to 'get lost' and that he was dating her exclusively. When that 
didn't work she started texting me he was a cheating dog, did 
this sort of thing all the time, and not to trust him. It was kind 
of amusing at first to read the things she was typing, but I just 
blocked everything after awhile.

Why would some girl chase down another girl, tell her to get 
lost, all over a guy that has already left her? 
Or why do guys keep chasing a girl after she has already said 
'not interested' or 'I am dating someone new now.'

You know what?
I don't want to know those answers. 

That realm of drama and heartache I was happy to remain out 
of for as long as I could. But the physical attraction to Erik was 
just too damn strong, I had to get into the game! And once Erik 
and I got more physically involved I suddenly was slapping 
myself on the forehead 'Look at what I have been 
missing!'...soft kisses that led to more intense kissing, my heart 
was racing, and that longing to see and touch him, and have 
him hold and touch me! 

Yeah I am slow starter where romance is concerned, very slow, 
but I will not get affectionate with just any guy....it must be the 
right guy. Oh and I am very, very picky (I have a list, it's that 
long)....so there is that.


***********



