Celestial Reviews 98 - July 10, 1996

Note:  Here is some free advice for AOL users.  Have you ever tried to 
download a file, only to have the download stop after about 80% of the 
file has been loaded to the screen?  Then when you press the DOWNLOAD 
FILE button, it tells you that PART 1 IS MISSING!  Here’s the solution 
to that problem:

Simply choose DOWNLOAD ARTICLE instead of DOWNLOAD FILE.  This may 
already be obvious to you, but I was surprised to find that it actually 
works!

- Celeste

      “Chantal” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (rape) 10, 10, 10
      “Connections” by Peter V. Principle (infidelity)
            10, 10, 10
      “The Interview” by  Ann Douglas (sex on the job) 10, 9, 8
      “Andy Griffith” by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
      “Welcome Back Kotter” by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 
            10, 10, 10
      “Gilligan’s Island” by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody)
            10, 10, 10
      “The Tape Slaves” by E (hedonistic mind control) 9.5, 10, 10
      “The Intergalactic Adventures of Ebeneezer Spooge” by 
            Keith A. Buckley & Jim D. Sizemore (adolescent humor) 
            9. 8, 5
      “The Dare” by Michael K. Smith (emerging adolescence)
            10, 10, 10
      “Gina” by Anonymous (wife watching) 8, 5, 4
      “Lois and Clark: Superman & the Real American Way” by 
            Reality Lines (superhero sex) 8, 5, 5
      “Lois's Night In” by The Voice (superhero sex) 9, 8, 8
      “Passion in Tokyo” by Sachi Mizuno (voyeurism & 
            masturbation) 10, 8, 8
      “My Wedding” by WouldBeBad (wedding orgy) 10, 10, 10
      “Surprise!” by Mark Aster (birthday bondage) 10, 10, 10

 “Chantal” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu).  No 
offense to the rest of you authors out there - and I may say the same 
thing about someone else right after I have read his or her story - but 
Mary Anne Mohanraj may be the best writer to post stories on this 
group.  I would be absolutely astonished if this author has not written 
other stories that have gained recognition in high-quality, mainstream, 
non-erotic publications.

A lesbian woman is comforting a non-lesbian friend to whom she is non-
reciprocally attracted and who has recently broken up with a jerk of a 
guy.  She longs to hug and caress her friend and to make tender love to 
Chantal, but she knows that any attempt at closeness will drive Chantal 
away.  A knock comes at the door; it is a phony pizza man, who 
threatens to kill the woman unless Chantal surrenders herself to his 
will.  At the crucial moment the woman breaks free and demands that the 
man rape her instead of Chantal.  The rapist at first seems ready to 
comply, but then he tells the two women to get it on together for him.  
Ironically, the woman’s attempt to rescue Chantal will enable her to 
achieve her fondest desire - but under highly undesirable 
circumstances.

I’ve told you all but the very end of the story; but I think you’ll 
still find immense pleasure in reading this well-crafted and highly 
erotic story.

Ratings for “Chantal”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Connections: Kirsten (1974)” by Peter V. Principle 
(an347524@anon.penet.fi). The author says that "Connections" is a 
series of essentially true accounts, although in some cases names, 
dates, places, and other minor details have been fudged in an attempt 
to retain some degree of anonymity for those involved.  In this episode 
the narrator is on a camping trip with three women and a man.  They are 
sleeping in a pitch dark van - packed in like sardines, with his 
sleeping bag opening toward his friend’s wife.  And so he pulls the 
moral equivalent of an adolescent yawn in a movie theater: he moves his 
hand into the chasm between them, just to see if she is interested in 
responding.  She is.  Matters escalate. Can anyone else tell what is 
going on?

Would anyone else in the van be able tell what is going on? Maybe not, 
assuming the others all lack the ability to both detect sounds and to 
detect odors - or assuming the friend’s wife is dead.  I’ve tried; I 
have concluded that I cannot reach orgasm undetected in the same room 
with other people unless there’s a partition ( front seat vs back seat 
of a car will do) or unless the others are sound asleep (as in the case 
of children sleeping on the floor next to our bed in a motel room).  
I’ve tried it on both the fucking end and the listening end.  I’ve been 
as quiet as a church mouse and so have the people who have tried to 
evade my notice.  It doesn’t work.  Can’t be done - - unless the others 
are thoroughly distracted by something else, such as a really good 
movie or a sermon in church.  Hmmm... I guess that means it CAN be 
done. Never mind.

Anyway, they just pet that night; but they get together for real sex 
shortly thereafter.  He comes; she doesn’t; but she’s happy; and as 
time goes on she learns new things.  This isn’t a story with a real 
plot; it’s what lit teachers used to call “a slice of life.”  This 
approach sometimes give a greater impression of being “true” than a 
story with a “better plot.”

Ratings for “Kirsten (1974)”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“The Interview” by  Ann Douglas (AnnD55@NYC.Pipeline.Com). Henry 
Morrison has been assigned the boring task of interviewing applicants 
for an intern’s position with his company.  He has already found all 
the qualified applicants he needs, and the final interview is a mere 
formality.  She has no discernible qualifications, until she leans 
across his desk and says, “"I have ... the tightest ... little black 
ass ... you are ever going to ever see. And given the chance, I'll pump 
that cock of yours so dry you won't be able to fuck again for a week!" 
Henry replies appropriately: "Young lady, I'm going to have to ask you 
to leave this instant."  Will the woman get the job?  Do things like 
this happen in real life?  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  By the way, 
my husband would (of course) file sexual harassmenet charges against 
any woman who would do this to him.  So be careful!

Ratings for “The Interview”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“Andy Griffith” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Two 
little boys were arguing about the prestige of their parents.  “My 
father is a doctor,” said one. “I get free medical care. I can be 
healthy for nothing.”  The other boy replied, “Big shit! My father’s a 
minister.  I can be good for nothing.”  I modified his story a little, 
but this is probably the first time my pastor has been quoted on this 
newsgroup, although I suspect his picture has appeared on one of the 
others.  More relevant to this review - Opie was the son of Sheriff 
Andy of Mayberry, and so he was good for nothing.

This story begins with Opie transporting a peach pie from Aunt Bea to 
Helen Crump, who happens to be preoccupied at the time with Thelma Lou, 
who is deeply engrossed in Helen’s hair pie. Opie is what them city 
fellers call transfixed, holdin' onto that peach pie in one hand and 
rubbin' his penis with the other.  Well, it seems that Opie has been 
under the influence of Ernest T. Bass or a city slicker or something, 
‘cause when Thelma Lou leaves he goes into Helen’s house and tells her 
that he’s going to blow the whistle on her unless she gives him a real 
good blow job.  And she does.  But Opie doesn’t stop there.  He says he 
wants to fuck her.  And he does.  And Miss Crump moans and bucks just 
like a regular woman.  And Helen says maybe next time he could fuck 
Thelma Lou too.  And when Opie walks out and goes home, he's whistlin' 
all the way.

Ratings for “Andy Griffith”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Welcome Back Kotter” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Mr. 
Kot-terrrr’s wife Julie finds a love note that seems to indicate that 
Gabe has been doing the horizontal lambada with a female Sweathog.  She 
resolves to teach both Gabe and the vixen a lesson.  But then Vinnie 
Barbarino and Freddy Washington show up on the fire escape, and Julie 
switches to plan B.  The guys are seeking counseling from Mr. Kotter 
regarding how to make a better impression on Chrissy, who happens to be 
Gabe’s Sweathog Playmate.  A sudden inspiration hits Julie, and she 
knows how to teach everyone a lesson.  Rather than an abstract lecture, 
Julie gives Vinnie and Freddy hands-on practice.  When Arnold Horshack 
shows up, all her orifices are covered.  When Gabe arrives home after 
“work,” Julie has a riddle for him: “If a bird in the hand is better 
than two in the bush, what's better than a bird in the hand? Give up? A 
bird in the mouth AND two in the bush!" Gabe doesn’t get it.  Serves 
him right!

Ratings for “Welcome Back Kotter”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Gilligan’s Island” by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com).  The previous 
two sexual parodies of sitcoms were good, but this one is the 
quintessential sexual parody.  It is both humorous and erotic.  As I 
read the story, I could easily imagine the actual characters on 
Gilligan’s Island doing these things.  It was really an excellent 
story.  This makes it stand apart from some of the weaker parodies, in 
which the author simply takes the names of the characters and the 
general plot from the original story and has them do things that 
involve sex.

How does a person write an excellent parody?  I get the impression that 
Shelby Bush first of all enjoyed the shows he parodies.  He became 
thoroughly familiar with the characters and the types of plots that 
were typical of the shows, and then asked himself, “What would happen 
if people in these shows were allowed to have sex?”  The true genius 
lies in finding a creative plot and blending into that plot details 
that make the parody seem like a natural extension of the original 
show.  This author does this very effectively, both in the present 
story and in several others that I have read.  For example, I found it 
perfectly plausible to imagine Gilligan hiding in the bushes while 
Ginger took a bath under a waterfall. I could easily imagine Ginger 
being aware that Gilligan was there and doing subtle things to tease 
him.  What would happen next - probably right before the commercial?  
Why, Ginger would bend over and display to the hidden observer the pink 
pucker of her asshole and the darkness of her nether lips below, and 
Gilligan would shoot his wad while falling backwards into a somersault, 
hitting his head on a tree and blacking out in preparation for the next 
scene.

Ratings for “Gilligan’s Island”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“The Tape Slaves” by E (eman@best.com).  Gina is a high school kid who 
puts on a set of headphones to listen to a tape.  Poof!  She has become 
a slave of the tapes.  She will do everything the tapes say, and she 
will like it.  It is also her responsibility to help see to it that 
everyone in the whole world becomes a slave.  So what we have here is a 
sexual mind control story based on an electronic chain letter with a 
hedonistic Jehovah Witness twist.

Gina immediately gets her brother and sister to listen to the tape. 
Then the three of them hold down Mom and make her listen.  Then Dad is 
a pushover.  The whole family having been converted, they head to the 
Community Center where they get more tapes. The Mom and Dad tapes 
program the Robinsons to have sexual fidelity only with each other. 
Except for acts which might harm someone, or force someone against 
their will, they have absolutely no sexual restrictions with each 
other. They will, however, never willingly engage in sex with anyone 
else, unless they are programmed to by a subsequent tape.  They are 
also instructed to help their kids learn the joys of sex.  Future tapes 
expand their circle of sex partners to include 500-3000 friendly 
people.

Very quickly the whole world is converted. Rape and domestic abuse 
become quaint anachronisms.  Problems like wars and tax fraud still 
persist; but as I read this I wasn’t sure why nobody designed a tape to 
solve those kind of problems.  I mean, there are major sociological 
theories that seriously argue that all wars are really fought so that 
men can achieve easier access to the higher status women or that if 
everyone had a good piece of ass there would be no time for wars.  I 
figured the reason wars and other crimes persisted is because this is a 
sex story, not a sociological treatise.  Actually, as I read on I 
discovered the answer was more complex.

As I moved through the fifth and sixth chapters, I found this to be a 
simple but interesting example of either a Utopian or an anti-Utopian 
novel - depending on your point of view.  As I read the story, I could 
just imagine millions of children clad in pristine nakedness, holding 
hands and singing

      If everyone fucked
      Just one little brother
      WHAT A GREAT WORLD THIS WOULD BE!

Of course during different verses they would insert mother, father, 
sister, dog, etc., in order to express their full urge for complete 
harmony.

And so as the story approached its midpoint, it was doing a nice job of 
presenting the Joys of Incest, of Lesbianism, of Anal Sex, and I was 
pretty sure a later chapter would get around to the Joys of 
Watersports.  The story had made the simple assumption that people 
could listen to a taped message and have their lives immediately and 
completely transformed into an existence of complete happiness.  I felt 
this would be nice; but I remembered getting a nun in high school 
pissed off when I told her that her version of heaven sounded boring - 
and what I see here is not much more interesting than “being eternally 
happy in the presence of God forever.”

And so as I went through the story, I began to resist the extreme 
hedonism; but then around chapter 12 I realized to my astonishment that 
the author was subtly agreeing with me!  The New World Order of the 
Tapes wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.  Then suddenly at the end of 
Chapter 14, Gina became unprogrammed.  This was a very interesting 
twist indeed.  Then the story started taking more and more interesting 
twists.  These twists are fun, and so I don’t want to tell you about 
them.  You’ll have to read the story for yourself.

This story is an interesting combination of sex, humor, and 
philosophical analysis.  The author sucked me into the plot completely, 
and I enjoyed being fooled.  Maybe this is a form of mind control!  
Earlier in the story I stated as one of my objections that absolute 
power corrupts absolutely, and in chapter 18 the author said the same 
thing to me.  At first I thought this was a shallow story with good 
sex.  Eventually I concluded it was a good story with good sex.  If the 
sex weren’t quite so good, this would be a best selling novel with 
Sandra Bullock starring in the movie version next year.

Ratings for “The Tape Slaves”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“The Intergalactic Adventures of Ebeneezer Spooge” by Keith A. Buckley 
& Jim D. Sizemore (sizemor@nickel.ucs.indiana.edu).  When approaching 
this story, it is important to keep in mind that it was written by a 
lawyer and someone of even lower moral and intellectual standards - 
perhaps a proctologist or middle school principal.

It may be useful to make special note of the authors’ words in the 
disclaimer, where they summarize some of the deleterious effects this 
book may have.  Three of their proofreaders have been institutionalized 
and another threw himself in front a delivery van rather than read past 
the first chapter.  They also  warn against eating any food or drink 
any beverages while reading the story or to read the screen with "one 
hand under the table."  One female reader was engaged in this loathsome 
practice when she happened upon one of the droller passages in the 
third chapter and, in her mirthful agitation, accidentally clawed off 
her clitoris.  

The story promises to disclose the sexual misadventures of Ebeneezer 
Spooge.  Although in the first chapter our eponymous hero does, in 
fact, have sexual intercourse with the fair Ophelia Kielbasa, during 
which she experiences such severe vaginismus (a sudden involuntary 
contraction of the female primary sex organ) that Ebeneezer has to be 
surgically removed from his corpulent partner, the story is more 
accurately described as gross than as erotic.  The story comes across 
as a really adolescent version of Mad magazine.  That’s not all bad; 
just be prepared for what you are getting.  What I have seen so far is 
cleverly written (if we ignore the over-emphasis on scatology) but not 
at all complete; and it is not obvious that the authors seriously 
intend to finish their epic.  That may be its strong point.

Ratings for “Ebeneezer Spooge”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"The Dare” by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@taproot.win.net).  Sixteen-
year-old Katie had defied the school dress standards and had gotten 
away with it.  She had read the Rule Book, and it said nothing about 
how much leg a girl can show.  It only stated the minimum length of the 
skirt itself.  Since Katie was tall, a skirt of the requisite length 
showed a lot of leg and a bit of ass; and she enjoyed the opportunity 
to shock and arouse the boys and teachers.

Having had her fun, Katie mentioned to her friends that the Rule Book 
also failed to state that it was necessary to wear underwear.  So she 
formally dared her friends to join her in a No Underwear Day.  For 
complex sociological reasons no one in the immediate peer group had 
declined a dare in the six years since the Rules of the Dare had been 
formalized, and so No Underwear Day was formally scheduled.

When the Day comes, Katie is unwilling to just Do It; she must also 
Take Risks.  Escalation Station!  The other girls begin to take risks 
too.  An interesting story!

Realism check:  when the narrator gives head to the guy in the 
Journalism lab, she sucks him deep into her mouth and swallows his cum.  
She says she does this in imitation of what she saw in an X-rated 
movie.  Right!  The one thing I have noted about X-rated movies is that 
nobody ever comes inside anyone.  The actors always shoot their jism 
all over the face, the buttocks, or the breasts of their partner - 
apparently because viewers would be unable to see this wonderful sight 
if the penis were buried deep inside an appropriate receptacle.  Katie 
and her friends might have learned some interesting things from that 
movie, but swallowing male ejaculate would not have been one of them.

Ratings for “The Dare”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Gina” by Anonymous (an659620@anon.penet.fi).  The narrator’s wife has 
begun seeing her ex-boyfriend again.  He finds it to be very hot when 
she lets him fuck her downstairs while he waits and listens upstairs.  
Afterwards they have better sex than ever.  

This is a common theme.  Although it doesn’t really appeal to me, I 
know it does interest others.  The problem is that there’s not really 
much development to the story.  It’s just “my wife met her ex; they 
were attracted; she told me; they fucked; she told me; they fucked; 
etc.”

Ratings for “Gina”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

“Lois and Clark: Superman & the Real American Way” by Reality Lines 
(an551949@anon.penet.fi). There are basically two ways to deal with 
Superman in this newsgroup.  First, the author could ask “what if” 
questions.  What would it be like if Superman fell in love? Or what if 
he rescued a woman who fell in love with him? Or what if he mated with 
another superhero?  This is the approach that Tooshoes followed in her 
Supergirl stories, where she explored the emotions that a female 
counterpart of Superman would experience if she came to earth during 
her adolescence and fell in love.  Tooshoes did a good job, and I 
approached the present story with the hope that it would give similar 
treatment to Superman.

The second approach is to do a parody.  In that case the author would 
take the major characters from the Superman movies and TV shows and put 
them in sexual situations, with a focus on the resulting irony.  For 
example, I recently saw a segment on Saturday Night Live where Lois 
Lane became incapable of recognizing people whenever they put on or 
took off their eyeglasses.  The humor arises from the fact that Lois 
was in love with Superman but not with Clark Kent - and any moron 
should have been able to tell that Superman was Clark without the 
glasses.  I cannot remember seeing a good Superman parody on a.s.s.

Of course, it’s possible to combine the two approaches; and this is 
what the present author attempts.  His premise is that Superman gets 
pissed because he isn’t getting any ass and seeks advice from his 
adoptive father, who is actually a homicidal pervert and who advises 
him to seize power and take pussy whenever he wants it.  Superman joins 
up with Lex Luthor, takes over the world, and then comes to rape Lois 
Lane, who is portrayed as a selfish vixen who turns the tables on him 
and forces him to make her the co-ruler of the world.  There’s a kernel 
of an idea here, but the story is really pretty lame.  The characters 
in this story are simply not much like those in any of the Superman 
stories with which I am familiar.

I have HEARD of a good Superman sex story, but I can’t find it.  I think it’s 
entitled "Man Of Steel, Woman of Kleenex". It describes some of the problems 
Superman would face having sex in the real world.  For example, all of 
Superman's sperm would share his super-powers and would destroy a normal human 
egg if he tried to impregnate Lois Lane. In addition, his ejaculations would 
have the force of a speeding bullet, suggesting not only that any sex partner 
would be in for hard times but also that the Kent boyhood home would be 
riddled with holes from his youthful experiments with masturbation. 
Furthermore, growing up with super-powers that make him hundreds of times 
stronger than his human "father" would give poor Clark a powerful Oedipal 
complex. Even worse, the only woman Superman could safely mate with would be 
Supergirl, but under the Earth's yellow sun her hymen would be as 
indestructible as the rest of her.  This sounds like an interesting story.  If 
anyone can send me a copy, I would be happy to read and review it.

Ratings for “Superman & the Real American Way”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

“Lois's Night In” by The Voice (an284494@anon.penet.fi).  Earlier in 
the evening Clark had rushed away from Lois under a phony pretext.  She 
knew full well that he was dumping her for that slut in the office.  
(In reality he was off to save the world - or at least a small part of 
it.)  No matter; she was hot for Superman, not Clark.  And so, as she 
lay masturbating, her thoughts turned to Superman.  Meanwhile, high 
above Metropolis, Superman returned from his mission of mercy and was 
surprised at what he saw when he used his X-ray vision to look in and 
see if Lois was safe.

This story does not quite reach greatness, but it is far better than 
the preceding story.  I think a lot more could be done with this plot 
(as I think happens in "Man Of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"), but at least 
this author does a good job of making the plot seem plausible.

Ratings for “Lois's Night In”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“Passion in Tokyo” by Sachi Mizuno (http://users.aol.com/specpress).  
This is a well written first chapter to a Spectrum Press novel.  As an 
isolated chapter, it is simply a description of a Japanese woman 
masturbating and watching her neighbors have hot oral sex.  The entire 
novel may be worthwhile, but it’s not worth going through a lot of 
trouble to read this isolated chapter.

Ratings for “Passion in Tokyo”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“My Wedding” by WouldBeBad (WouldBeBad@aol.com).  The official wedding 
took place in the bride’s parents' church, with a wedding march, 
candles, flowers, and lots of guests. In her vows she promised to obey 
Michael. To most of the people present, this was just a phrase in the 
traditional wedding vows. A select few who were invited to a separate 
ceremony later that day knew more specifically what that vow meant. The 
bride was a successful stoke broker, and she wanted no more stressful 
responsibility in her private life.  She had told Michael that she 
would give herself to him in the privacy of their home if he would 
assume all the responsibility. He could have her as a sex slave, if 
that meant she didn't have to make decisions.  This sounded like a 
bargain to Michael; and so now she stood naked except for a garter belt 
and a few sensual accouterments in front of a minister and an audience 
of 20 people - eager but apprehensive about what would happen next.

This is not your ordinary wedding ceremony.  I won’t go into detail 
here.  Use your imagination or read the story.  It’s very well written.

Ratings for “My Wedding”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Surprise!” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  It’s Julie Allen’s 21st 
birthday, and so Our Hero and Cousin Jake blindfold and bind her, 
kidnap her, cart her off in a packing crate, dump her in the van, and 
fuck her both in the van and at their destination.  I approve of this 
kind of bdsm, because the guys have good reason to believe that this is 
just what Julie wanted for her birthday present.  The author does an 
unusually good job of depicting the sexual activities vividly and 
erotically.

Ratings for “Surprise!”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

