Celestial Reviews 292 - July 11, 1998

Note: A young teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me?  That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject has finally come up
and she won't have to broach the subject herself.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Second note: As you may have heard, I recently had serious problems with my
computer.  I think I am back up and running after my hard drive crash.  For a
long time I kept getting screen freezes at unpredictable times, even after I
reinitialized the hard drive.  Finally, a correspondent suggested that I turn
off the Microsoft Ole Extension, which was conflicting with something else.
And voila!  I can now use my computer again!  Of course, now I can't access my
Microsoft Works database while I'm online....

In return for what the folks at Microsoft have done for me in the past two
weeks, let me relate an interesting story.

I was driving to Boston to meet with Janey about a project in which we both
were interested, when I saw Dennis Rodman along the side of a road in a rural
area.  Dennis was enthusiastically fucking a sheep.  I was surprised, but then
Rodman had a reputation....

As I continued into a more suburban area, I was even more surprised to see
Steve Jobs fucking another sheep, right there on someone's front lawn.  Well,
at least there were no children around....

Eventually, I made it to the center of downtown Boston, and there I saw Bill
Gates, completely naked and masturbating in front of a crowd of people while
mimes mocked him and jugglers entertained the crowd.  When I finally met with
Janey, I related these events to her.  Her only reaction was, "I know Bill's
grandmother.  She says Bill has always had a hard time catching a sheep."

Third note:  I appreciate the enthusiasm of the guest reviewers who have
contributed unsolicited reviews during my enforced absence.  I am posting
those reviews in this issue.  In addition, I have a backlog of guest reviews
that I'll post in CR 293 next Wednesday.  If you sent me a review or a story
that does not appear by that time, you might want to assume that I lost it
during my computer troubles and send me another copy.

Third note: An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted
by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in 
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional!" she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is 
an occasional piece in the living room!"

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

=====================
Celestial Reviews:
=====================


"Gomer Pyle - MIA" by CarterUSMC (sitcom parody) 7, 7, 7
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12599.txt 
           ---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367459478 

"The Wimp" by a mature, Curious submissive male who Forgot to 
	attach his name (humiliation) 4, 3, 3
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12913.txt 
           ---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370233459 

"She loves it when he goes down MMF" by MrC00L69 (slutty orgies)
	4, 5, 5
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369468574 

"The Pond. The Oil.  His Cock." by Ginger Vitis (romantic encounter)
	5, 6, 6
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368807165 

"Chosen" by Crimson Dragon (mysterious sex) 10, 10, 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12619.txt 
           ---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367470276 

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"It Is Me" by H.D. Meister (Power Trip) BitBard: 9, 8, 1
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12656.txt 

"Dr Phil E Good and the Shy Southern Girl" by Rock Hancock
		(Playing Doctor) BillyG: 9, 6, 7
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12681.txt 

"Andrew and Tina" by Dream Spinner (Brotherly Love)
		Sven: 8, 9, 8
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12695.txt  

"Pool Story" by Immcollect (Wet Sex) BitBard 9, 9, 9
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12700.txt 

"A Fourth for Bridge" by Jan Williams (Card Sharks) DG: 6, 4, 4
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12777.txt 

"That Mardi Gras Spirit" by DG (Jazzy Sex) Mike Ink: 10, 10, 9.5
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12778.txt 

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother" by Micky (Brotherly Love)
		BitBard: 10, 10, 8 
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12795.txt 

"Two Days" By Jan Williams (Rustic Sex) Sven: 10, 9, 9
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12798.txt 

"Lake Jeptha" by Mat Twassel (Comfortable Sex) BillyG: 10, 10, 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12871.txt

"Mandala" by Oscar Paco (ASS sex) Ivan: 10, 10, 10
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=361379946

"Hooked on a Feeling" by Terry Jones (Cowgirl Sex) BillyG: 7, 7, 7
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367142563 

"Introit" by Uther Pendragon (uncategorized sex) Bear: 10
	http://x5.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368581028

"A View of Alcatraz" by Anne Arbor (threesome) Bear: 10, 10, 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12821.txt

"And the Lady Danced 'till Dawn" by Sven The Elder 
		(strip slub sex) tooshoes:10,9,10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12742.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726378

"The Housesitter" by Steve (sex with housesitter) Nick: 9, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12696.txt 
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12697.txt 
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12698.txt 
		
"Inside-out" by Taria (self-exploration) Stephen Peters: 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12870.txt

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=189987329 

* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike 
	(sitcom parody) 10, 7, 5
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=188125159 

* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (Sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=162957990 

* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9.5, 9
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=163903497 

=====================
On This Day In Celestial History
	Celestial Reviews 1  - July 6, 1995 - by Celeste
=====================

"Bank" by Deirdre.  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346717760

"Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas.  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308955968 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308955963 

"Art Museum" by Trane and Wildfire Paradise.  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327409393 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327409409 

"Amanda" by Grimalkin.  
[This story is unarchived and is now officially lost to history]

"Surprise" by Damya.  
[This story is unarchived and is now officially lost to history]

"AdventureLand" by Sue.  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=191341255 

==================

"Gomer Pyle - MIA" by CarterUSMC (carterusmc@aol.com).

It's been a long time since I have seen Gomer Pyle on TV.  But Gomer has a
special place in my heart, because he was the subject of the first really good
dirty joke I ever heard - aside from the one about shining Daddy's flashlight
up Mommy's tunnel, which I heard and laughed at when I was six but certainly
didn't understand at the time.

Gomer was the classic country bumpkin, filled with naive simplicity and rustic
folk-wisdom, which he uttered with an exaggerated southern twang back before
there were redneck jokes.  He started out on the Andy Griffith show, but then
he got his own show, in which he was in the army with Sergeant Carter (the
author of this story!) as his immediate superior. I forget the name of Gomer's
girlfriend.  We'll assume it was Mary Lou.  We can always change that with our
word processors anyway.

Anyway, here's the joke. Gomer and Mary Lou were driving home from a date at
the ice cream parlor, when Gomer says, "Mary Lou, honey, do you mind if I pull
over to the side of the road?"

"No, Gomer, that would be very nice."

They pull over and sit quietly for a while, and then Gomer says, "Mary Lou,
honey, would you mind if I sat a little closer to you?"

"No, Gomer, that would be very nice."

Time passes, and then Gomer says, "Mary Lou, honey, would you mind if put my
arm around you?"

"No, Gomer, that would be very nice."

More time passes, and then Gomer says, "Mary Lou, honey, would you mind if I
took off some of your clothes?"

"No, Gomer, that would be very nice."

Even more time passes, and then Gomer says, "Mary Lou, honey, would you mind
if I put my finger in your belly button?

Mary Lou is a little surprised, but she answers, "No, Gomer; go ahead if you
want to."

A few minutes later, Mary Lou's eyes light up and she says, "Gomer, honey,
that isn't my belly button!"

And Gomer replies, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!  That isn't my finger
either!"
 
Well.... Maybe it was funnier when that nun told it to us....

In the present story Pyle and Carter have been sent to Vietnam.  Sergeant
Carter assigns Gomer to all kinds of hazardous duties, hoping he'll be killed
by the enemy.  But the resilient and lovable Pyle survives all the hazards,
until one night he turns up missing.  The Lieutenant requires Carter to lead a
search party for Gomer. And surprise, surprise, surprise - Gomer has been out
making love rather than war with the surrounding citizens of Southeast Asia.

This is a cute story, but it has little actual sex - except that Gomer does
shout "Shazam!" when he fucks his Vietnamese "fianace."  {Actually, a female
fiancee would have a second e at the end.}  This is one of those stories that
proves that "war is heck."

Ratings for "Gomer Pyle - MIA"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"The Wimp" by a mature, Curious submissive male who Forgot to attach his name
(Story@femdom.com).

The author starts out by saying, "Some times I wish i married an ugly
submissive slut. Maybe then i would get some pussy and wouldnt be such a
pussy."  There's a 60's song along those same general lines, but it has better
punctuation and focuses more on culinary skills.

Here's a summary of the plot: "You mean i have to jerk off and eat my own
cum?" Yes, indeed he does.  Imagine that.

The author concludes with this epitaph - er, epilogue: "This was my first
attempt at writing so I hope you Like it. If you dont then don't read it
again."  Fair enough.  I advise you to do him one better.

Ratings for "The Wimp"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"She loves it when he goes down MMF" by MrC00L69(mrc00l69@aol.com)

>From a grammatical perspective, possibly the best thing about this story is
that the author {correctly} uses the possessive case as the "subject" of
gerunds.  Repeatedly. As in "She sucked my cock with an obvious enthusiasm and
enjoyed my shooting in her mouth," and "She also enjoyed my eating her pussy."
I think the author does this because possessive rhymes with submissive - at
least it would to a country western singer it would; and there is no such
thing as a submissive case in the English language.  {I think there is a
submissive case in some Iranian dialects, but only for pronouns in the
feminine gender.}  Anyway, I thought this guy was going to be a grammar god or
something, but then he declined to use capital letters at the beginning of
sentences and to put apostrophes in conjunctions.  He even skipped a period,
which is unusual for a man....

Sue - that's her name - although that might actually be a misspelling for
"she" - is an energetic woman - a veritable dynamo of sexual depravity.  She
takes particular delight in obtaining specimens of semen from attractive men
and sharing the cum with her husband by having him suck on whatever orifice
she used on that particular occasion.  Hence, the title listed at the top of
the story is "Cumeat," although the title in the title line is "She loves it
when he goes down MMF."  

Anyway, here's what the narrator says when he and his wife sneak into the
men's room: "When no one was looking we slipped inside. There were twelve men
in there waiting for us and I could see most had bulges in their pants in
anticipation of what was to come, and they weren't alone."  Of course they
weren't alone!  There were twelve of them, all apparently standing at urinals,
looking nonchalantly at the walls, so that they didn't notice the couple
sneaking into the cubicle.  Next the twelve guys take turns gang-banging the
little lady, while the guy watches from his position at the head, which is a
bit ambiguous, since that's what sailors call the toilet.  Why they didn't
just fuck on a table in the middle of the restaurant I'll never know.  Maybe
there were children or nuns on the premises.

And then they have a bachelor party.

The basic problem with this story is that it shows a lack of planning.  It's
like telling a joke by just listing the funny things, rather than building up
to a climax - er, punchline.

Ratings for "She loves it when he goes down MMF"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"The Pond. The Oil.  His Cock." by Ginger Vitis (morbid@cnct.com).

I'm really not sure what the title of this story is.  The title line says "She
never called (True Story)," but the apparent title at the top of the first
page contains the more enigmatic tripartite title.  Go figure.  Maybe the bit
on the title line was sort of like a sound bite for a movie promo.

Anyway, the story is about a guy who meets a girl and has a great time with
her.  At the end of the evening, she promises to call him; but (as the title
line says), she never does.

I don't want to be offensive, because I suspect that this story may be written
in the author's second language; and I suspect I'd do a lot worse if I tried
to write these reviews in something other than English.  The sentences are
very short, and there are phrases like "sharing a speacil momont," while the
guy is "hearing" cutoff jeans. Then, "Suzy help his chin and stoked his arm."
I guess that's possible.... Next, "There was no slow movements.  He held her
head as he proceeded to fuck her face.  She was loving it."  I really don't
know what picture is supposed to be in my head while I read that passage.

The sentences are short - almost cryptic; and the thoughts are actually
beautiful and poignant.  This would be a nice story, if it were expressed a
little more clearly.  As it is, the author seems to be stifled by an inability
to express exactly what he/she wants to say.

By all means, the author should modify this sentence: "Then with her hands she
brought Tim to an explosive organism." Ouch!

This author could learn a lot about English expression by working at this
story until it says what it's supposed to say.

Ratings for "The Pond. The Oil.  His Cock."
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"It Is Me" by H.D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest Review by BitBard
(bitbard@newsguy.com)

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12656.txt 

This is a short story of a guy proclaiming what he has become to a girl he is
abusing.  Anyone who loves to totally dominate someone, anyone who can merge
hatred, lust, and sex, anyone who's idea of absolute satisfaction is to give
an impassioned gloating sermon to a cowering victim will probably love this
story.   That anyone, however, is not me.  

Ratings for "It Is Me"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 1

=====================

"Dr Phil E Good and the Shy Southern Girl"  by Rock Hancock
(rock_hancock@hotmail.com). Guest Review by BillyG <hayden@mindless.com>

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12681.txt 

A brief but substantive suspension of belief is all one needs to enter into
this sexual game of playing doctor. Our licentious physician, Phil, sees Miss
Scarlet Lee as the last patient of the day, just after sending his nurse home.
Her nebulous complaints of course necessitate stripping her clothes that she
might receive a proper examination. In predictable fashion, credibility aside,
Dr. Phil first massages then sucks her breasts in the successful treatment of,
get this, low back pain.  That he'll find reason to examine and then suck Miss
Scarlett's clit is a given.  Finally, for the finale, our naughty physician
trots out his version of the BFG and administers good old Dr. Phil's hot beef
injection.

It's agreed by the doctor and the patient that this therapy is so effective,
they'll need to set up an every-other-day therapeutic schedule.

Eroticism is closely linked to believable and identifiable scenarios. This
story strays so far from creditability that we're left a little embarrassed by
the characters' impossible naivete.  It's light hearted and well written, but
the paper-thin plot leaves one thinking, "Oh, come ON."

Ratings for "Dr Phil E Good and the Shy Southern Girl"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 7

=====================

"Andrew and Tina" by Dream Spinner (authorsix@hotmail.com). Review by Sven the
Elder, who may be contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk. 

(Bi, incest, masturbation, t/t) so say's the author, he also tells us at  the
end that: and I quote: "J.O. Dickingson - Author's note:  This is a true event
that occurred in  May, 1998, as related to me by Andrew and posted with his
permission."

The story relates to an event where the young people concerned are involved in
a 'walk-in masturbatory 'incident'.  I tend to follow the  precept that
Bronwen mentioned recently in an assd discussion.  Both  of the participants
are clearly 'under age', but this is not a pedo  story,  rather an incident
between siblings who are growing up and finding their sexuality.  I suspect it
happens more than people realise.   Regrettably nothing of this nature ever
happened to me.

Now to the actual writing.  I have to say that I found this a rather
unsatisfying re-telling of what, for the co-conspirators, appears to have been
very satisfying.  For my tastes the descriptions, using the Celestial 'List of
Credulous Assumptions' as a guide, spoilt things. There are more satisfying
descriptions that a writer can use that are also more pleasing for the reader
to read. One of the secrets of  writing erotica is to leave room in the
readerss heads to conjure up  images to suit their own imaginations.  How many
times have you read  a superb book, then gone to see a subsequent film 'based'
on the same  story, that fails to measure up.  Principally because your
personal  imagery conjured up is not the same as the film Directors.  

As a reader you peruse a passage, conjure an image in your mind - too  much of
a certain style of detail in the written work holds this process  back.

Sorry Jay - this just missed for me.

Ratings for "Andrew and Tina" 
Athena (technical quality):  8 - a good solid average story - nothing
outstanding
Venus   (plot & character): 9 - better than average development.
Sven  (appeal to reviewer):  8 - a little too clinical and stilted for
      my  tastes.

=====================

"Pool Story" by Immcollect (immcollect@aol.com).  Guest review by BitBard
(bitbard@newsguy.com).

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12700.txt 

Have you ever made love outdoors or in a pool?  If you have, or even if you
haven't, you'll probably enjoy this erotic scene.  Of course when you make
love in the open like that there's always the chance that someone will see you
and the woman in this story finds an additional thrill at performing for a
very interested audience while she and her significant other churn the waves. 

The story was one long paragraph, and so it was a bit exhausting to read; but
it was short, and oddly the lack of breaks may have made the sex scene even
more appealing.  Still the lack will impact Athena slightly.  Venus is rated
on sex since this is just a scene.  And as for Appeal, let's just say I have
no prejudices against wet and slippery sex.  

Ratings for "Pool Story"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 9

=====================

"A Fourth for Bridge" by Jan Williams (janwill89@hotmail.com). Guest review by
DG.

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12777.txt 

The author states that this is his first attempt at writing erotic  fiction;
and, unfortunately, it shows.  This story is about a  group of four married
couples who decide to liven things up by engaging  in group sex.  There are a
few things to like about the story, I  suppose.  It's the women who take the
initiative; they hatch the plan for the big orgy during their weekly bridge
game, which makes a nice  exception to the normal pattern of the men talking
the women into it.   They all have a good time getting their orifices filled,
and no one gets  hurt.

Unfortunately, the story has serious problems which prevented me  from
enjoying it.  There is no characterization at all, or even physical
description; so there is really no way to tell the characters apart.   The sex
scenes are confusing and repetitive, with each woman getting  gangbanged in
the same way by the four men, one after the other.  The confusion is
exacerbated by overly-long sentences and a lack of spacing  between dialogue
and exposition.  My recommendation to the author would  be to write a story
with fewer characters and to try to make those  characters seem vivid and
real. 

Ratings for "A Fourth for Bridge"
Athena (technical quality): 6  
Venus (plot & character): 4
DG (appeal to reviewer): 4  

=====================

"That Mardi Gras Spirit" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com).  Guest review by the
reclusive Mike Ink.

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12778.txt 

Obligation is a compelling thing.  I've enjoyed ASSD for awhile, reclusively.
Then I  send an email to Celeste, grammar goddess of erotic writing, bemoaning
great writers who can't spell, and she pairs me up with the Sandman.  He
transmogrifies into the BitBard, Celeste's hard drive takes a long sleep, and
suddenly I'm drafted to do a guest  review.  I worry about whether I'll be too
critical, obsessed with missing commas and  tense changes, missing the tense
scenes.  In other words, this is my first guest review.

The Bard took pity on me, and assigned what he thought was the best story in
the batch to  me.  Having not seen the others, I yield to his judgment.  This
one is very nice, in a quiet, very realistic fashion.  DG does not fall into a
grainy exposition of pounding cocks and spurting cum, dripping from the
ceiling.  Instead, this is an account of a rainy day in New Orleans during
Mardi Gras, as two couples grow closer.  I found myself saying, "been there"
several times (and wishing I'd been there other times).  The plot is
believable, the words are all spelled right, and the action warms right up.
There are some great vignettes (I especially liked the bartering for ice
cubes).  There are many wonderful one-liners; "Just keep an eye on the
lovebirds on the balcony, and go about half an inch lower."

DG gives credit to The Bear and Kim for proofreading; they obviously did their
jobs  well.

While this story stands alone very nicely, DG mentions at the end, "This is
the third story  featuring the adventures of DG and Cindy.  The other two are
called "The Call of Desire"  and "Banana Split" and can be found, along with
all my other stories, on my web page:  http://www.io.com/~thebear/dgidx.htm"  

I intend to cruise on over and read the others too.  To paraphrase the
Celestial Lady,  "Good sex, good times, good grammar.  What more could you ask
for?"

Here's where I show how easy I am:

Ratings for "That Mardi Gras Spirit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Mink (appeal to reviewer): 9.5 (I gotta leave some room)

=====================

" He ain't heavy, he's my brother " by Micky (alex_and_anna@yahoo.com).  Guest
review by BitBard (bitbard@newsguy.com). 

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12795.txt 

The story codes for this story say Incest, but this is anything but your
average brother/sister fantasy foolin' around story.  This story read like it
may have actually happened.  Furthermore, the sex which is described, has
consequences which are unusual for this sort of story as well.  

This very well-written story is about Anna and her incestuous adult
relationship with her brother Alex.  It's a slice of life memoir that has a
very real appeal even, I suspect, to people who ordinarily follow the incest
genre.

There are BDSM elements to this story that do add a squick factor.  For
instance, this is the only story I've ever read that recounts the insertion of
a foreign object into a man's penis.  (Even as I write this sentence I can
hear the agonized groans of the male audience)  If you can make it past that
paragraph, then you're probably going to enjoy this story, although the squick
factor is going to dampen the appeal of this story somewhat.

All in all, a well told, well executed story.

Ratings for "He ain't heavy, he's my brother"
Athena (technical quality): 10  
Venus (plot & character): 10
BitBard (appeal to reviewer): 8

=====================

"Two Days" By Jan Williams (janwill89@hotmail.com).  Review by Sven the Elder
who may be contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk.
	
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12798.txt   

The synopsis for this story is quite straightforward - two adults, who  have
only just met, decide to got to a cabin retreat and explore each other
sexually.

Now that is the bald basic statement of this story.  Factually they fuck each
other's brains out for two days and (by my word processor's count,) a tad over
27,000 words and 36 pages, at the end of which they have decided to get
married.   After this description I end up struggling a little.  The sex was
very hot,  extremely well described, and a little after the fashion of Miss
Manners:"You lift your left  leg up and then  place part a into slot b."  

I hate to be negative about something this good, and to which so much  work
and effort has gone into, punctuation, grammar, and presentation (after a
little tidying up) are great.  The descriptions are great, if a little on the
clinical  side.  But there really is not a lot on the plot development side.
And sex, sex, and more sex gets boring.  There is also a little thing called
recovery time - oh and  pain (friction burns!)  

Not that long ago I was lucky enough to take someone near and dear to me away
for the weekend, it was our first weekend away, alone together, for a
considerable number of years.  Sure we had great sex, and, due to the lack of
distractions,  more of it than for many a long year; BUT we did other things
as well.  That's what made the weekend interesting for us.  A similar plot in
this tale woud have  made the telling much more interesting for the reader as
well.   Finally, I'm left with the observation that there is more to marriage
than  sex. Sure great sex helps, but you have to be compatible in other ways
as well. That  would have been yet another facit of the story to be explored.

So where does that leave us as a final mark and anlaysis.  Well the  technical
quality was very high.  With the one observation that the line length needed
to be  shorter to avoid enforced wrap-round, which is difficult to read - 65 -
70 character widths seem to work well, Athena scores a ten. As I have remarked
earlier the plot is sadly lacking, but there is a  theme of different sexual
positions and techniques, almost to the point of this being a  *good* sex
primer for a couple who wanted to improve their technique.  This will  score a
nine. I did initially score an eight, but felt that that was unfair. Now the
vexed question of appeal to the reviewer.  As always it should be  stressed
that this is the appeal to *me*, and can be that and that only.  I can  only
say that I got a little bored by the lack of interest other than sexual
variation.  Just a little too like a sex manual. Again a nine.

Ratings for "Two Days" 
Athena (technical quality):  10
Venus   (plot & character): 9
Sven  (appeal to reviewer): 9

=====================

"Lake Jeptha" by Mat Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com). Guest Review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).

Mat Twassel's story, "Lake Jeptha" wrung my heart with the sweet poignancy of
a long-ago memory - soft nights and loving and aching desire.  It touched that
hidden place of vulnerable remembrance when once, almost a fleeting flash, we
were hopelessly in love.

And then, inevitably there comes yet again the tender hurt of a memory so
indelibly etched, unspoken, unacknowledged for years, but still there, so
terribly real and terribly fresh.  We see once more that time is not a
dimension recognized by the subconscious.  Mat Twassel's siren call pulled me
back to that bittersweet recollection as if it were just yesterday.

Read this.  It's a rare, rare treat.

Ratings for "Lake Jeptha"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================

"Mandala" by Oscar Paco  (oscarpaco@aol.com). Guest reviewed by Poison Ivan.

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=361379946

If I understand it correctly, a mandala is a visual object used as a
meditation aid.   The meditation aid in this particular story is Mandala
Winter's asshole.  The narrator of this story arrives at Mandala's house,
where Miss Winter does several shocking things.   Before he knows it, he has
his tongue buried between her ass cheeks.

This is a very short story, but Oscar Paco packs a lot into just a few words.
I got a clear view of the surroundings and of Mandala herself.  And there is a
very nice sense of the narrator being over-run by an overwhelming woman.

I highly recommend this story.  If you're not squicked by oral-anal contact,
check it out.

Ratings for "Mandala"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================

"Hooked on a Feeling" by Terry Jones (wld_rascal@hotmail.com).  Guest Review
by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com).

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367142563 

At root, this is a simple tale.  Kate's a 22-year-old Texas girl who lives on
a remote ranch with her father and brother and hasn't seen her high-school
lover, Rob, in four years.  Despite her ambivalence, he shows up and reawakens
old memories and old desires. Rob wants her to go away with him, and Kate
makes a tough decision.  Actually, she makes repeated decisions, often
contradictory.  It's not clear that this is the end of the story, for it's
left open for further developments.

The story, simple as it is, takes too long to evolve.  Early on there's too
much weight given to too many characters who have little to do with the main
theme.  Trying to juggle all this detail, only to discover that it's
superficial and tangential to the plot line, leaves one a bit irked.  The
details of what a girl wears - or doesn't wear, is germane to an erotic story.
The details of a picnic table and the food it holds isn't.

Too, the story suffers from inadequate punctuation.  The failure to set off
phrases adequately often leads to an awkward and sometimes confusing read.
I'd suggest to the author that an editor would have helped.  As it is, the
story suffers from unnecessary detail, mercurial emotions, and poor
punctuation.

Ratings for "Hooked on a Feeling"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 7

=====================

"Introit" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Reviewed by Baird Allen
(thebear@io.com)

http://x5.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368581028

I can't begin to tell you how *thrilled* I was when BitBard sent me this one
for review - NOT! Think about it, how does one review one of Uther's unique
pieces such as Conjugation, Life Sentence, or this latest one, Introit?
Perhaps the easiest thing would be to simply quote it in full, but then that
would probably be cheating.

The story is told completely in dialogue, and you may have to read it twice to
determine the parties to the conversation. It is very short, and you will
enjoy it. I recommend that you read it.

[Ratings deemed inappropriate by reviewer.]
Bear (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================

"A View of Alcatraz" by Anne Arbor (AnneArbor@hotmail.com). Reviewed by Baird
Allen (thebear@io.com)

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12821.txt

When BitBard send me this story to review, I worried at first that my sweet
sister Kim might flame me to mere ashes if I gave it less than perfect 10s. As
soon as I started to read the story, those worries
faded rapidly.

This story is set "back in the 70's, in that decade of post-Pill and pre-HIV,"
a time that many readers may remember with some fondness. The narrator, Annie,
is a student at Berkeley who lives with and then marries Jed, a professor at
that school. They augment their marital sex life with frequent threesomes,
always with women selected by Jed. Annie enjoys having the women in their bed,
but after a couple of years decides that she'd like to invite another man to
join them. The final half of the story details Annie's first time being shared
between her husband and another man, and presents that event in a narrative
that is light-years beyond any description that I've ever seen of similar
activity in any story, drawing the reader deeply into Annie's thoughts and
feelings.

The writing is excellent, the characters real, the narrative detailed and
moving. This story fully earned its perfect 10s.

Ratings for "A View of Alcatraz"
Athena (technical merit): 10
Venus (plot & characters): 10
Bear (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================

"And the Lady Danced 'till Dawn" by Sven The Elder (10,9,10).  Guest Review by
tooshoes.

http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12742.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726378

I have visited several strip clubs, and unlike Celeste, I have grown quite
fond of a few of them. Some have a very nice bar atmosphere, where guys hang
out, and the dancers intermingle during breaks. Another such club has pool
tables, and the guys mingle with the girls while playing pool. In other
places, the dancers will mingle in a more private space. The important thing
is to mingle, to make personal contact. Guys will pay a dollar to see bare
flesh, but they'll pay much more for female companionship.

Sven's story does a good job capturing the feel of such a club and the way
dancers interact with customers, until the line between reality and erotica
blurs. In other words, this story is about sex, not voyourism or frustration.
Like most patrons, Mike goes into a strip club looking for some friendly
conversation and a good eye show. Maybe a lap dance or two. Unlike most
patrons, Mike is gonna get very lucky.

I've seen a number of stories along the same idea (a guy gets lucky at a strip
club), but "The Lady Danced" is more thoughtful than most with believable
characters. Overall, a satisfying read, though the ending was a little
unclear.

Ratings for "And the Lady Danced 'till Dawn"
Athena (technical merit): 10
Venus (plot & characters): 9
Tooshoes(appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================

"The Housesitter" by Steve (steve1044@aol.com). Reviewed by Nick (e-mail:
Nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk)

"The Housesitter" by Steve (sex with housesitter) Nick: 9, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12696.txt 
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12697.txt 
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12698.txt 

This story, written in three parts, is about a 17-year-old boy who is lucky
enough to be provided with a good looking young 19-year-old "housesitter" by
his mother, a busy career woman. Of course he "gets lucky" with her (it
wouldn't be a sex story if he didn't, would it!)

The principal characters, Brain and Renee, are well drawn; and this
differentiates this from the average "stroke" story. The problem, however, is
that the plot, which would have been adequate for "stroke", then lets the
story down a little. There are one or two credibility issues. For example what
on earth his mother thought she was doing leaving a 19-year-old blonde to keep
her son out of trouble (something she singularly fails to do <grin>)! I'm also
not sure whether or not a 17-year-old boy would actually need a house-sitter,
but I'm happy to take legal advice on this.

I felt that the story was a little awkward in places. The build-up to the
surprises was overdone, and the the way Brain dumps his current girlfriend
read like he was simply disposing of a character who suddenly didn't fit the
plot.

Still this is a writer whose heart is in the right place, and I look forward
to more of his work.

My own ratings are: 7 for technique (could do with better proofing) 7 for plot
and character (more for character, less for plot) and 8 for personal appeal.

Celestial ratings for "The Housesitter":

Athena (technique) - 9
Venus (plot + character) - 8
Appeal to me - 8

=====================

"Inside-out" by Taria (tariat@hotmail.com).  Guest review by Stephen Peters
(sxjames@aol.com).

"Inside-out" by Taria (self-exploration) Stephen Peters: 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12870.txt

One of the most enjoyable things about alt.sex.stories is that the writers
here are free to experiment.  Do you want to write a letter to a friend and
put it in the form of an overheard telephone conversation? Go ahead.  In fact,
one does not even have to write a sex story to be posted on a.s.s..  And this
tale is not a sex story.  At least, not in the sense of describing sexual
activity.  It doesn't even attempt to be erotic.  Instead, the author has
taken this opportunity to write a essay/meditation on identity, the public and
private self, internal growth, and the strain of taking something as deeply
personal as one's sexuality and putting it on display for all to see.  This
tale is about turning oneself 'inside-out'. 

This is really a remarkable read, both is presentation and substance.
Technically, the author does a superb job of structuring the narrative; ideas
flow from one to another such that the reader automatically fills in the other
side of the conversation.  The narrator's voice itself is smooth but animated,
full of strong inflections.  As has been noted by others Taria's writing has a
rhythm to it, and this time it's the rhythm (poetry?) of everyday language.
Remarkable too is the way the narrator draws the reader into the conversation
-- starting with the ordinary and casual (but in Taria's hands interesting)
details of everyday life, then moving to the more personal.  However, it's the
substance of the essay that held this readers attention.  The author's
struggle between her 'computer persona' and the real 'her' is something that
every one who has written a story (sex or otherwise) has had to deal with, at
least to some extent.  There are some hard questions asked her, with few
definitive answers.  Sort of like life...which is what the author so vividly
portrays.  The difference between love and sex, the public and private selves
- these are questions that each individual, at some point in there life, has
to answer.  Starting by reading this wonderfully beautiful 'transcript' is not
a bad idea. 

(<sigh> The numbers.  It's very hard to assign a score to this work
--especially the 'Venus' aspect -- because this is not really a 'story' with
plot, character, etc.   However, given the originality and quality of the
writing, the clarity of expression, and my own personal enjoyment of the piece
it deserves the highest marks.)

     -- Numbers mean nothing without context, read the review --

Ratings for "Inside-Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Stephen (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================
{*As Bitbard has pointed out, this is the beginning of my fourth year of doing
these reviews.  The following six reposted reviews were the entire contents of
CR #1.}

"Bank" by Deirdre.  

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346717760

My word processor tells me that this story was only 830 words long, but with
those few words the author did a really nice job of creating a mood.  What's
best about the story is that Deirdre shows excellent restraint: she creates a
mood and tells us this story without going overboard and trying to make more
of the incident than there really was to it.  Other writers would be tempted
to work in some four-letter words and at least a couple of orgasms and to
follow the formula for a good sex story; but Deirdre just relates this
anecdote in a way that made me think of comparable things that had happened to
me during my own early adolescence.  (Rating: 9).

=====================

"Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas.  

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308955968 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308955963 

Perhaps its my background as an educator, but I'm normally repulsed by stories
about incest.  The basic problem is that once you set aside the fantasy, in
real life the adult is almost always engaging in some sort of gratification at
the expense of someone he or she should be caring for.  We get upset at the
clergy and teachers who molest children, but then we're supposed to consider
it to be titillating when we read a story about mom teaching her son "what
it's like to be a man."  That's how I usually react, but this story surprised
me.  It's about a mother who comes home early and sees her son getting head
from a boy whom she doesn't know.  She tries to respect his privacy, but she
becomes aware that the son is likely to take the plunge into a homosexual
lifestyle that may not be appropriate for him.  As the only reasonable
solution she can think of, the mother herself engages in loving sex with her
son.  The story ends with... no - you'll have to find that out for yourself.
What won me over was the objective, non-moralizing aspects of the story.  The
author wasn't suggesting that every mother should screw her son; but she
showed that this was an unusual situation.  Nor was she suggesting that it
would be awful if her son would adopt a homosexual lifestyle.  The mother just
didn't want her son to make that choice without thinking about the
alternatives.

The story reminded me of the movie Summer of 42, in which a wife loses her
husband in the War and then makes tender love to a neighbor boy.  When we saw
that movie, my husband and I discussed the ethics of an older woman seducing a
younger boy - when the boy obviously loved ever second of it.  We eventually
decided it was just a pretty good movie and that we didn't need to pass moral
judgment on it.  This was just a pretty good story.  (Rating: 10)

=====================

"Art Museum" by Trane and Wildfire Paradise.  

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327409393 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327409409 

The interesting thing about this story is that it was coauthored by two people
over the Throbnet BBS.  As near as I can figure, the two authors have never
actually met in person.  The story's format consists of several reciprocal e-
mail transmissions among the authors, in which each message builds upon the
story as it has been set up by the preceding message.  In these messages the
authors evolve a story about two people making love in a limousine on a ferry
boat on the way home from the Seattle Art Museum.  At times the authors seem
to want to coordinate their efforts; and at other times they seem determined
to throw a curve ball to the other by changing the situation abruptly to see
what the other will do next.  It's an interesting format, and it results in a
sexy story.  On the negative side, I think the authors followed the sex story
formulas a little too closely - getting in one and only one of every position
and every term for a pussy or cock.  In addition, although I liked the give-
and-take atmosphere, it would have been possible to do some editing at the end
of the joint project to coordinate things just a little better. Finally, if
they're going to call the story "Art Museum" instead of "Ferry Ride," it would
have been nice to bring art into the story a little more.  All in all,
however, this was a pretty good story.  (Rating 6.5).

=====================

"Amanda" by Grimalkin.  

[This story is unarchived and is now officially lost to history]

(This is one of a series of stories being reposted by THC Adult Text Archive
under the title AMANDA.TXT.)  As an English teacher, I sometimes feel self-
conscious when I criticize a story for bad punctuation and grammar.  It should
be the idea that counts; not the formatting.  But if a writer is going to
formally publish something, he or she should make it easy on the reader.  I
realize that the Internet is not the most formal medium of publication, but if
it's worth someone else's time to read a story, then it should be worth taking
the time to clean it up or have someone else do so before publication.  If bad
grammar makes a point, then it's OK.  

So, I have to ask myself, is there some benefit in the apparent illiterate
writing style of this author?  The story is about a female friend (an
attendant, I think), who is in the room with Amanda, an actress who has given
her opening performance and is waiting for the first reviews to appear in the
early editions of the newspapers.  While they're waiting, the unnamed friend
jacks Amanda off.  Then the reviews arrive, and they are good.  That's the
whole story.  Is the friend supposed to be an unschooled but loving companion
who "just don't talk to good"?   If so, this is never stated or even clearly
implied.  Or is this story the first written expression of an inarticulate but
loving person?  If so, it deserves some respect.  Or does the writer just not
give a damn?  I'm afraid this is the most likely explanation.  As a story,
it's really pretty bland - just formulistic lesbian love.  Big whoop!
(Rating: 2).

=====================

"Surprise" by Damya.  

[This story is unarchived and is now officially lost to history]

I never used to get high on the idea of watching my husband fuck somebody
else, nor did I like the idea of doing it while he watched.  But we talked it
over several years ago, and we agreed that it would actually be stimulating to
watch the other make it with someone else - as long as the possibility of
disease could be avoided (which, of course, is possible, in imaginary worlds).
It would be stimulating for us, but impossible in reality, since we see so
much value in our monogamous relationship.  (To me, the fact that I share this
wonderful experience with my husband and with him alone makes it by definition
impossible to invite another party into the relationship.)  So we've settled
for an active fantasy life, where he sometimes talks to me about what he'd
like to do to a woman in a movie or on the street, and I do the same for him. 

Now back to the story - I guess I'm making the point that I see problems
inherent in the plot; but if I weren't so fortunate as to have this really
great bargain relationship, I have to admit that the basic idea behind this
plot sounds good.  There are lots of good spouse watching stories, but this
one doesn't quite make it for me.  The author says she's writing it for her
boyfriend; and it might have served that purpose really well.  If so, I hope
they get their bang for their buck.  But there are better wife watching
stories this one.  The reasons to read this story are (1) to find enjoyment in
hearing about an interesting situation or (2) to get really turned on while
reading it.  I don't think either outcome is really all that likely.  On the
other hand, the story is not awful either.  It just somehow failed to give me
as a woman the vicarious experience of driving my husband into sexual heaven
by letting him watch me do exciting things to someone else.  I hope Damya
herself had better luck. (Rating: 5).

=====================

"AdventureLand" by Sue.  

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=191341255 

I love theme parks.  Disney World in Orlando is an especially romantic place.
In this story, a woman manages to get into the Pirates of the Caribbean
attraction after everyone else has left it.  She masturbates and engages in
sexual fantasies with the characters.  The punch line is that one of the
characters turns out to be the college kid who runs the attraction, and he
fucks her and slips away before she realizes that he wasn't part of her
imagination.  I liked the story a lot.  I'm sure there are religious people
somewhere who would be repulsed at the thought of a Disney employee taking
advantage of an innocent customer; but what the hell - this story takes place
in an atmosphere in which the "legitimate" fantasy consists of fun-loving
pirates looting villages and gleefully carrying off the female prisoners.
When I've taken my kids on that ride, I've often mentally noted that in real
life the pirates would have had their sexual jollies with the women they were
chasing. Being captured and raped by a pirate probably wasn't as much fun as
Disney suggests.  In real life Disney employees who have sex with customers
who are masturbating with the characters should be fired; just as  pirates who
rape and pillage should normally be hanged after a fair trial.  It was fun to
read a story in which a modern pirate took advantage of a damsel.  On the
downside, you really do have to stretch your imagination to buy into the
story.  But overall, it was just good clean fun.  (Rating: 8).

==================

* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). 

Two female teachers at Walt Whitman High School go for a run.  They need a
shower afterwards, but a gym class is using the girls' showers.  The coaches'
shower is also in use.  Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, they decide to
sneak into the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but they startle a
straggler who is still taking his shower.  Some horseplay follows, and then
they get into some hot threeway sex.  I remember seeing a few episodes of
"Room 222," but I don't have a clear recollection of it.  I can't really
evaluate this as a parody, but I found it to be a pretty good story in its own
right.

Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

==================

* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). 

Miss Hathaway takes Elly May out to some shops and helps her purchase lots of
new clothes.  Elly May doesn't see the point of all this.  Then Miss Hathaway
buys Elly May a swimsuit, notices that the girl's tan lines are wrong, and
instructs her to lie outside and get a suntan.  She does, and she gets fucked
by the family goat.  That's right: the family goat.  Kinda surprises you,
doesn't it?  I mean, if you were going to write a parody about this really
sexy girl from the hills who comes to a rich community along with her stupid
hunk of a brother and her other illiterate relatives, would you have the only
sex be with the family goat?  Kinda gets your goat, doesn't it?

Ratings for "Beverly Hillbillies"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

==================

* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  

Richie Cunningham has to baby-sit for his little sister Joanie, who is not so
little any more.  She catches him naked with a hard-on from thinking about his
girlfriend; and she tells him, "Jenny Piccolo said guys like it if you touch
their things. Can I touch yours?"  Richie acquiesces, and they're off to the
races.  It turns out that Jenny Piccolo also showed Joanie how to perform
fellatio on a banana.  Actually, Richie discovers that Jenny Piccolo taught
Joanie so many interesting things that he agrees to let Jenny join them the
next time they fool around together.  A negative side effect of the whole
episode is that coaches will no longer be able to inspire Richie by saying,
"A tie is like kissing your sister."

Ratings for "Happy Days"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). 

I'm not a big "Love Boat" fan.  I've watched a few episodes when I was
visiting other people, and I can recognize most of the characters; but I don't
know much about their personalities.  And so I might have missed some of the
subtleties in this parody.

Vickie (the Captain's daughter) has crawled under the bar to do some cleaning,
and she overhears some valley girls making fun of her lack of sexual
experience.  That does it!  She decides to lose her virginity as soon as
possible.  She talks to Isaac, the kindly black bartender who usually falls in
love with a different black chick each voyage, and he very kindly pops her
cherry and lets her suck his cock.  Wisely, Vickie goes to Doc (the blundering
guy in the white suit who falls in love with a different white chick every
voyage) to get herself on the pill; and he suggests that maybe she should talk
to her father first, before she becomes sexually active.  By this time I was
into the mood of the story.  I muttered, "Shut up, Doc.  This is a sex parody
of an insipid show.  Give her the Pill and then fuck her.  If she talks about
it with her father, he'll just screw her anyway!"  And so he did; and so he
did; and so he did; and so did several other people."

Ratings for "Love Boat: Cum Aboard"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

<end>
