Celestial Reviews 291 - June 30, 1998

Note: I had really serious computer problems this past week, and so I spent my
time trying to recover my hard drive instead of reading stories.  I think I
recovered almost everything, but if you think I lost something you sent me,
feel free to contact me.  I'm especially interested in knowing if anyone sent
me a review that I failed to post.  I hate to waste your work!

Second note: In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a
McDonald's hamburger last month. Here's David Letterman's explanation:

TOP 10 LIST of McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:
10.  We were test marketing the new "McTrojan".
9.   Condom, Condiment - what's the damn difference?
8.   It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7.   It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
6.   Turns out that the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese
       are true.
5.   We're experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal.
4.   So what - a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
3.   Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms 
      with that?"
2.   Drive through speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds 
      like "Prophylactic device".

and the number 1 McDonald's excuse for the condom in the Big Mac...

1.  When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be 
      too careful.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

"A Gift For You" by Desdmona (birthday threesome) 7, 8, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12448.txt
----
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365334044

"Rain Dance" by Myschief (rainy day sex) 9, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/11695.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357650325

"The Daughter Never Knocks Twice" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
      10, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=195290105 (1)

"Drew Carey Show" by ProphetMaster (sitcom parody) 6, 5, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=361105905 

"Hypnotized" by Bluelady (hypnosis/control) 7, 7, 7
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12309.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287529 

Guest Reviews

"El Nino" by AnneArbor (romantic sex) 9.6, 8.5. 8.5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12178.txt 
          ---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=362612745

"The Analyst"  by Victor Ramierez (plotless hypnotism) 7, 5 ,4
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/6533.txt  01-04(1)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/6718.txt  05(1)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/6898.txt  06(1)
           ---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329802964  01-04  (1)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331478530  05    (1)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333470299  06    (1)

"Saleswhore" by Phil Phantom () 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=363934165 

"Hot Tango" by Nick (multiple romances) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12453.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365516772 

"Group Sex In A Ford" by Johnny D. (group sex) 9, 8, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/4252.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=277198436 

"Four Seasons" by Frederick T. (sexual romp) 8, 6, 7
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12477.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365675281

"Myrtle Beach Vacation" by tonytony3 (husband/wife fantasy)
      10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12555.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366844412

"Amy Visits for the Summer" by Sundance (sex with babysitter) 
      9, 8, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12446.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12447.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365333999 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365334003 

Reposted Reviews

* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
            10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=242654821  (1)

* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
            (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=202794212  (1)

* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=174996798  (1)

* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike 
            (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=198318832 

========================
On this day in Celestial History
Celestial Reviews 95 - June 29, 1996
========================

* "Composition in Cream and Chocolate" by Mary Anne
            Mohanraj (sexy striptease) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=167888513 

* "A Hot Summer's Night" by Ann Douglas  (ff romance)
            10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=263194496 (1)

* "Dorothy Does Oz" by Shelby Bush (movie parody)
            10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/621.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=237084285

========================
(1) Repost not by original author
* Reposted Review
========================

"A Gift For You" by Desdmona (desdmona22@aol.com).  
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12448.txt
----
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365334044

Here we have the eternal fantasy of a wife giving her husband a share of
another woman for his birthday. The plot is not very complete, but the sex is
hot - except when the wife starts languidly licking the other woman's aureola,
which would probably be impossible, although a similar caressing of the areola
might be stimulating to both the tactile and visual senses.

I'm pretty sure - in fact, certain - that my husband is turned on by this sort
of threesome fantasy; but I sometimes wonder what he would do if I actually
offered him a sexy nymphet for his next birthday.  Never mind - let's stick
with the fantasy version, which is a nice one.
 
Ratings for "A Gift For You"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Rain Dance" by Myschief (owner-sex@mail.serve.com).  
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/11695.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357650325

Our narrator is a lady who used to get high on drugs; but she has reformed her
life and now gets high on life - at least if that life includes occasional hot
sex.  Sounds fair to me.

The story is generally well written, and the sex is seductive.  It held my
attention, even though I pretty well knew what was going to happen.  It takes
a good story to do that.

Here's an interesting mistake that lots of authors make.  The narrator says, "
I wouldn't trade the old days for this, not in a million years."  What that
sentence really means is that she prefers the old days to the present, which
is the opposite of what she meant to say.  The order of the concepts makes a
difference.  She should have said, "I wouldn't trade this for the old days,
not in a million years."

Myschief is using this story to advertise her sex story list.  Personally, I
think it is better to get the stories from a.s.s.m., but I really do respect
the fact that she has given us a good story and is above-board about her
advertising techniques.  I suspect I'll respect her just as much in the
morning.

Ratings for "Rain Dance"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"The Daughter Never Knocks Twice" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=195290105 (1)

I suppose it can be exciting or at least ironic to think of the Ideal Mother
and Father in the Ideal Sitcom Family initiating their teenage daughter into
the mysteries of sex, but my main reaction to this story was that it didn't
measure up to some of Uncle Mike's better parodies.  {I'll repost some other
Uncle Mike reviews below.} Having Mom and Dad boink the little girl is just
too easy and non-creative; and in this case, the plot really is not in
character.

Denise is looking for Mom and Dad to break to them the news that she has
declined an opportunity to join the National Honor Society.  She accidentally
breaks in on her parents while they are having some early evening romance.
Mom misinterprets her daughter's reason for being there, assumes what Denise
really wants is sex education, and encourages Dad to bang her little box in
the nicest way possible.

It's kind of sexy, but it just doesn't sound like something these characters
would really do - even if we assumed that they were capable of sexual
activity.

Ratings for "The Daughter Never Knocks Twice"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Drew Carey Show" by ProphetMaster (none@nowhere.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=361105905 

As you oughta know by now, I like sex parodies of sitcoms.  When I find one, I
root for it to be a good one.  Foiled again!  In this case we have a minimal
attempt to make a few of the activities resemble something that would happen
on the Drew Carey Show.  Oswald and Kate come to Drew's house to have sex and
don't notice that he's there, and so he gets to see Kate nekkid.  But overall
we get the impression that the author really hasn't taken the time to do a
good job and doesn't care whether we like the story or not - after all, the
whole thing took only a half hour of his time.

Ratings for "Drew Carey Show"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Hypnotized" by Bluelady (BlueLady16@aol.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12309.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287529 

As I moved through this story-poem, I was struck by a problematic thought: if
the woman wants to feel completely under the control of her lover, how is
hypnosis related to this outcome?  If she wanted to experience this feeling of
control, it would seem that this could not possibly attain this goal by
entering the trance that this poem describes.  To pursue this issue further, I
would have to tell you the ending; and I won't do that.

The imagery in this poem is effective, but numerous grammatical errors (e.g.,
"your" for "you're") combined with the problem cited in the preceding
paragraph to reduce my enjoyment of this story.

Ratings for "Hypnotized"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"El Nino" by Anne Arbor (AnneArbor@hotmail.com).  Guest review by jubjub.
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12178.txt 
          ---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=362612745

Story Summary:  Simple sex act between man and woman

This story is short and to the point.  It's little more than a man and a woman
having a single act of sex.  Good news--it doesn't violate any of Celeste's
assumptions.  Bad news--it's not as thrilling as it could be.

Technically, the story has no major problems.  It's written in first person
present.  There were a couple of questionable tense errors and the sentences
were a little too long.  This made the pace somewhat languid.  In turn, the
climax seemed a little flat.  One more small snipe.  The introduction seemed
to offer a more complex story than there actually was.  I think a little more
relevance between the introduction and the main story could have gone a long
way.

Overall, a nice story.  Shorter sentences could have provided a bit more
punch. The sexual descriptions nicely done.  Characterization is tough to put
a number to because the story is so brief and concerned with the sex act.
Still, if since a number is asked for, this is the number I assign to it.
Please take it in that context.

Ratings for "El Nino"
Technical:  9.6  Tense error.  Style a little too languid
Characterization and Plot:  8.5  Characterization could have 
      been punched up
Appeal:  8.5  Lacked a cohesive thread.  Not really a story.  
      But decent sex.

"The Analyst"  by Victor Ramierez (lovecannibal@hotmail.com). Guest Review by
BillyG (hayden@mindless.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/6533.txt  01-04(1)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/6718.txt  05(1)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/6898.txt  06(1)
           ---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329802964  01-04  (1)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331478530  05    (1)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333470299  06    (1)

I suppose it's whatever floats your boat and of course, taste is a
personal thing.  If one views considerate humanness, tenderness,
affection and seduction as dull, boring, time-wasting and not within
hailing distance of excitement, then it's likely that "The Analyst" may
appeal.

The mind control of hypnotism provides a near-instant, no-fuss, and
certainly a no-rejection path to non-consensual manipulation of
beautiful young teachers and students in a girls' school.  The tale is
not encumbered with plot, character development, moral dilemma or
resolution.  There's an efficient paucity of story between scenes.  It
moves with great speed from one non-consensual medical exam to the next,
replete with hidden cameras and one-way-glass.

It's not all superficial hurry.  The details of the medical examination
- particularly the rectal thermometers and gynecological procedures -
are offered with graphic detail.

My appreciation of this story and consequently my review suffer from my
take on such a tale.  I found it a poorly written story without plot
that attempts to find value in repetitious accounts of sexual
exploitation.  

Ratings for "The Analyst" 
Athena (technical quality): 7 (too many easily corrected errors) 
Venus (plot & character): 5 (a one-trick pony) 
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 4

"Hot Tango" by Nick (nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).  Guest review by BitBard
(bitbard@newsguy.com).  
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12453.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365516772 

Nick begins the story with this warning: "The story contains mild adult
content and should not be read by minors (as defined in the country from which
it is being accessed)."  Mild adult content?  Hey!  I want panting, sweating
bodies in immoral if not illegal positions!  What's the deal?

No this is definitely not a stroke story, but it is a very good story that
sets up more than a few erotic situations that the reader can carry forward.
The story follows Robbie the rose peddler as he offers his roses to various
people and the story follows the effects of those roses.  

The talisman effect was very well executed and I rather enjoyed the sensation
of upheaval and change that followed Robbie throughout the story.  And somehow
though everyone we meet are at first strangers we find that more than roses
link them together.

No.  Not stroke at all, but it does stroke the mind and is more than well
worth the reading.

Ratings for "Hot Tango"
Athena (technical quality): 10  
Venus (plot & character): 10
Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Saleswhore" by Phil Phantom () 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=363934165 

Phil Phantom/Tiffany have written some of the hottest and depraved incest
stories for years. The theme of verbal and physical domination (though not in
the typical D/S sense!) is usually in there somewhere, and this story is no
exception. Phil is at his best when he's convinced you that his good-girl
protagonist has finally been won over to the Dark Side by lust and never-
before displayed, repressed incestuous affections.

Synopsis: A woman is told that her career will flourish if she acts the slut
and helps to get her kids into the action, too.

This is a classic tale of descent into depravity. If you've ever liked a Phil
Phantom story before, stop reading right here and go find this story.

This is a long story by most measures, and one might expect this would give
plenty of room to get into the characterization of our Saleswhore and what it
is about pissing, muff-diving, and incest that really makes her tick. We get a
healthy dose of this kind of plotting early on, but somewhere in the middle of
the story, the transition to crazed slut gets glossed over a bit. The
characterization of the kids involved is far weaker, too, at that point. The
original arc of the storyline never gets completed the way one would expect
coming from Phil Phantom. That doesn't mean it isn't pretty great "as is", so
I'll stop griping.

Rating for "Saleswhore": 9.5

"Group Sex In A Ford" by Johnny D. (JohnnyD@cyrogen.com).  Guest review by
LeAnna.  This means only my opinion, nothing more.
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/4252.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=277198436 

It starts with a kiss, so tells the author -- an "innocent" kiss between Lucy
and Tom.  They go out to the Ford, where they're joined by a couple who say
they just wanna get out of the pouring rain and could they  borrow the
backseat?  Along comes a security guard, and then a little sister, and then...
and then... well,  eventually there are dozens of people crammed into the
Ford, licking, fucking,  sucking, screwing, humping, biting, nibbling...

Now, I'm a Chevy kind of girl -- but I pushed aside my prejudice for  this
story.  It's a nice, fun tale -- more of an absurdity against badly  written
sex stories than an actual sex story.  Since orgies aren't my forte, and
since I didn't get any 'tingles', I knocked off a couple appeal points.   But
it may float YOUR boat.  In any case, it's worth a read.  *Psst, Celeste, add
to your list of absurdities that 25  people can fit into a Ford for, erhm,
group sex...)

Athnea (Technical quality): 9  
Venus (plot & character): 8   
LeAnna (Appeal to reader): 8

"Four Seasons" by Frederick T. (an19164@anon.nymserver.com). Guest Review by
BillyG
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12477.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365675281

The story "Four Seasons" is a light-hearted sexual romp.  Frank Mailbu and
wife Vicky, recently from 'Vegas and now living in Ogden and in the process of
forming new friends, both have a penchant for young girls.  Setting up a
slowly evolving seduction of their 15-year-old baby sitter, Traci, the
Mailbu's contrive for her to see a video of them getting stoned on marijuana
with another teenage girl, 16-year-old Michelle Sabat.

The story moves slowly through the four seasons but doesn't quite make it as a
slowly measured seduction.  Traci's willing enough and it just takes the right
setting for her to jump into the erotic pool with her employees.

The story has lots of explicit sex but somehow lacks an erotic tug.  Perhaps
it's too superficial, for we never get to know the protagonists.  We know
almost nothing of their fears or desires, save to get laid.  The plot is
superficial and quite limited, failing to emphatically delineate a beginning
or an ending.  Save the stereotypical bisexuality of the women and the charge
one might experience fucking the baby sitter, there are no points of dilemma
or erotic energy in this story.  Still, it remains as a light-hearted, no-
consequences stroke story.

Ratings for "Four Seasons"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Amy Visits for the Summer" by Sundance.  Guest review by DG.
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12446.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12447.txt 
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365333999 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365334003 

This story is billed as being the first post ever by the author, and if that
is true, this is an impressive debut.  The plot of the story is a well-used
one - the narrator, a man in his thirties, is attracted to the babysitter.
What makes the story enjoyable is the author's vivid description of the
teenage girl who has just grown into a vibrant, beautiful woman, as well as
the plausible way in which she and the man interact.  It's not a perfect story
- there are some tired plot cliches and some minor technical problems, but the
story as a whole is very readable.  I am looking forward to seeing more from
this author.  I recommend this story to anyone not squicked by an encounter
between a slightly underage (but fully developed) girl and an older man.

Ratings for "Amy Visits for the Summer"
Athena (technical quality): 9  
Venus (plot & character): 8   (Good characters, tired but serviceable
      plot)
DG (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Myrtle Beach Vacation " by tonytony3 (tonytony3@juno.com). Guest review by
BitBard (bitbard@newsguy.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12555.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366844412

Hmm.  Here's an interesting dilemma.  Celeste has sent me a story to review
that is complete and intact yet is basically unreadable because it uses smart
quotes that come across as really weird characters on the screen.  Now ASSM
and Dejanews have this story, but only the first part and in a browser the
story is readable (though I still hate smart quotes).    Since the second part
is unpublished at the time of this review I will review the first part only.
This is not a problem since the first part can stand on it's own as a complete
story.

Dotty and Bob are married.  Dotty has just taken a company sponsored
assertiveness training course.  Dotty is a new woman -- asking things and
doing things quite unlike her usual demure self.  One of the things she asks
is if Bob has ever screwed around.  Wow!  Talk about assertive!  Well since
their marriage is so solid they both admit to coming close but never doing the
deed.  Then they describe in detail what happened.

Bob had been sitting in the airport with a business acquaintance and her
husband when the woman drags his hand up her thigh and lo and behold her
husband's right there too!  Bob begged off and ran home to Dotty.  Now Dotty
got the ol' sexual harassment at the office treatment and got quite a handful
(if I were the guy I'da sued for sexual harassment for leaving me hanging like
that.)  So then Dotty and Bob go and act out Dot's encounter and have heaps of
fun. So much fun in fact that they begin to wonder what to do about acting out
Bob's encounter?  That, dear reader, is a question for part two.

You'll be much better off reading this story in your browser, following the
links above than in your newsreaders.  The smart quotes make the story very
unreadable in native Usenet form.  If you do read this story in your browser I
think you'll be pleasantly surprised. The sexy talk and re-enactment between
husband and wife is very hot and quite provocative.  The two men one women
element will ad a touch of the taboo but in part one it shouldn't cause any
serious problems for guys (or gals) who like things one-on-one.  

Ratings for "Myrtle Beach Vacation "
Athena (technical quality): 10  
Venus (plot & character): 10
Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=242654821  (1)

At first I was disappointed with this story.  I was expecting a parody of the
Bob Newhart Show in which Bob plays a psychologist in Chicago.  Instead I
found a parody of the more recent Bob Newhart Show, in which Bob plays a
writer who is also the owner of an Inn in New England.  I wasn't as familiar
with the latter series, and so I expected that I wouldn't enjoy the parody as
much.  I was very pleasantly surprised!

The plot is perfect; it actually fits in with the personalities and mannerisms
of the characters.  Stephanie (the ditzy, lazy, rich girl who is a maid but
never does any work) develops a rivalry with Joanna, and to prove her case she
seduces Dick (the Bob Newhart character).  In retaliation, Joanna seduces
Michael (Stephanie's preppie boyfriend).  In further retaliation, Joanna
tricks Stephanie into having sex with Larry and his two brothers (Daryl and
Daryl).  Finally, to make amends Joanna  makes love to Stephanie herself.

As I said, the parody is very well done.  For example, it is easy to imagine
the Bob Newhart character reacting just the way the author shows him as he is
seduced by the young vixen.  I strongly recommend this story.

Ratings for "Newhart"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=202794212  (1)

Doogie Howser is a young adolescent - I assume maybe 15 or 16 years old.  A
boy genius, he has already completed medical school and is an excellent
doctor.  Each week's episode consists of poignant and humorous situations that
might occur to such a person working in a hospital.  In addition to numerous
human-interest anecdotes, each episode has a common theme running through it -
usually having something to do with the contrast between Doogie's
chronological youth and the maturity demanded by his medical work.  To
emphasize this contrast, Doogie's faithful sidekick Vinnie generally hangs
around and acts like a normal adolescent.

In this week's episode, Doogie has decided to unload his virginity.  There are
a couple of humorous or poignant false starts, but then he makes it with a
corpse down in the morgue.  That's right.  Uncle Mike has stooped to
necrophilia.  Adolescent geniuses sometimes have emotional troubles: "God help
me, I even thought about shoving it in her asshole as well -- but the
sphincter muscles tend to relax after death, and I didn't want to stick my
cock into a load of shit."  Vinnie and Doogie conclude that Doogie is now a
non-virgin, even though the partner was "unconscious."

If you're looking for a realistic, erotic sex story, this is not it.  On the
other hand, if you want to read a good parody, this is an excellent story.
The author does a great job of inserting bizarre events into the "Doogie
Howser" standard format.

Ratings for "Doogie Howser, M.D."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=174996798  (1)

Christine has planned a surprise for Hayden.  She has left a provocative note
inside a special issue of Playboy Magazine, and now she has sneaked into his
office, wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile.  She has locked the
doors, and now she springs the surprise upon him.  Actually, SHE's the one who
is surprised.  It's not Hayden there behind the Playboy centerfold, but
Dauber, who gives her cunt the ride of her life.

This short piece is good - but it's not among Uncle Mike's best.

Ratings for "Coach"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=198318832 

I have never watched an entire episode of "Father Dowling."  I may be wrong,
but I had the impression that it had something to do with a priest and nun
working together to solve crimes; but this story has no detective work in it.
Since I know so little, I won't try to comment any further than that on how
well this story works as a parody.

The story focuses on Father Prestwick, who is hearing confessions.  Most of
the penitents are old ladies and children, whose "sins" are boring; but then
in comes Mrs. Klimaszewski, the woman in her early 30's who wears no bra and
whose husband is out of town and who confesses her sins of masturbating and
getting it on with the newspaper boy.  Since that session has already turned
him on, Father feels predisposed to prod <g> a little when Sister Stephanie
comes in to confess her sins; and pretty soon Sister Steve has another sin -
or several sins, depending on how you count - to confess the next time she
drops by the confessional.

I honestly believe that Catholic priests have gotten a bad rap in recent
years.  I think they are every bit as upright and virtuous, although certainly
not as intelligent, as English teachers; and I really don't think they are any
more likely to behave unprofessionally than other people who work closely with
people.  I really doubt that the sort of thing described in this story happens
very often.  But it sure makes a good story!

Ratings for "Father Dowling"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Composition in Cream and Chocolate" by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(moh2@midway.uchicago.edu).  I found it difficult to determine exactly what
was happening in this story.  After reading a paragraph or two I often found
myself reaching a point where I gained a new piece of information and had to
back up to fit it into the picture that was gradually emerging in my mind's
eye.  This ambiguity is not a flaw; it's intentional - end it's very well
done.  

The theme is unusual: a male stripper gradually revealing himself and offering
his attentions to a female patron.  I have never attended such a show myself,
and all my vicarious experiences have consisted of films and stories about
female strippers.  I HAVE gone with my husband to bars with striptease dancers
(while we've been away at conventions - so that none of my students will see
me entering the establishment and so that I won't accidentally discover one of
my coworkers at her night job.)  My impression has invariably been one of
disappointment; the dancers were simply not very sexy.  They seemed to be in
worse shape than myself, bored with their jobs, and concerned primarily about
squeezing tips out of patrons before putting on a tawdry display that wasn't
really sexy at all.  Nevertheless, it seems reasonable to FANTASIZE about
exotic dancers in terms of wonderment; and this story turns the tables by
making a male dancer the center of attention. I guess what we have here is the
male stripper equivalent of the ideal lap dance. This was a new and very
erotic experience for me.

The show starts in near darkness, as does our understanding of what is going
on.  Even at the end of the story, I wasn't sure exactly what had happened.
The sex had been explicit, though conducted by candlelight in a dark room; but
questions remained unanswered.  All along I had assumed that the woman was a
patron - but at the end we hear an audience applauding.  And near the very end
we have a reference to a pile of cream and chocolate skin; and I am struck
with the realization that the woman is brown-skinned and the man is white.
OK; the two must BOTH be dancers, and they've been putting on a show for an
audience.... That's why it's called "Composition in Cream and Chocolate."
Wait a minute!  I'm going to have to reread major parts of this erotic
narrative - maybe even the whole thing - to see if my new theory fits.  Gee,
that's too bad.  I'm already turned on, and you can never tell what a second
reading is going to do to me....

In recent reviews I have railed against what I have called a demeaning use of
interracial sex in some of the stories.  This story does NOT fall into that
category.  The skin color is part of the ambiance - music, skin color, facial
features, nipples, actions, etc. - that create a sexually charged, poetic
atmosphere.  This is an excellent story. This author has a whole collection of
her stories on the Web at http://mud.bsd.uchicago.edu.

Ratings for "Composition in Cream and Chocolate"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "A Hot Summer's Night" by Ann Douglas (annd55@nyc.pipeline.com).  Mr. Smith
was a mortician.  One day Old Herman died, and his body was brought to Mr.
Smith's establishment.  When he undressed the body, he was impressed with the
size of the male member of the deceased.  Old Herman had apparently died while
having at least a happy thought.  Mr. Smith said to himself, "Nobody will
believe this!" and then he had an idea.  He simply hacked off the penis and
placed it in a small box.  After he finished preparing the body for burial, he
headed home, where he was greeted by Mrs. Smith.  He handed her the box,
saying, "You'll never believe what I have in here."  Mrs. Smith opened the
box, took a quick look, and exclaimed, "Omigod! Old Herman is dead!"

This story is completely unrelated to my joke, except that Old Herman, the
building superintendent, has died.  Rachel meets Toni, the new superintendent,
and quickly discovers that both of them had given head to Old Herman before
his untimely demise.  One good turn deserves another, and soon the two ladies
are making love.  The story is well written, and the sex is tender and
passionate - there's not much more I can say about it.  This was an excellent
story.

Ratings for "A Hot Summer's Night"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Dorothy Does Oz" by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com).  In the early
paragraphs of this story we meet Dorothy, a smart-assed farm girl about to
celebrate her 18th birthday, and Toto, the cute little dog that specializes in
licking Dorothy's clit.  The farm hands are planning to give Dorothy a sexual
treat on her birthday.  Since the tornado arrives while Dorothy is
masturbating, she initially confuses it with a really good orgasm.  Dorothy's
house is swept up by the tornado and lands on the Wicked Witch of the East,
who had been prohibiting the Munchkins from any pleasures - including you know
what.  After spending some time in the ensuing orgy, Dorothy starts on her
trek along the yellow brick road, where she meets and attempts sex with the
Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion - among others.

After some adventures and other preliminaries, they meet the Wizard, who
promises to grant their every wish; but first - and here's the kicker - they
must bring him the dildo of the Wicked Witch of the West.  I don't want to
ruin the story; if you've seen the movie, you'll be able to guess major parts
of the plot anyway.  All I'll say is that the story ends with Dorothy waking
up in her old bedroom as the three hired hands enter the room, all naked and
their erect cocks in their hands. "Happy birthday," they shout in unison; and
Dorothy exclaims, "There IS no place like home!" 

Ratings for "Dorothy Does Oz"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
