Celestial Reviews 53 - Jan 17, 1996

Note:  The proofreading service is in full operation, and people are 
reporting successful use of it.  IF YOU WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK 
BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and I'll match you up with some of 
the reviewers.  Remember: you're not admitting to being a "bad writer" 
by asking for a proofreader.  Everyone can benefit from having someone 
to help with their work.  Please note, however, that this proofreading 
service is loosely organized.  I think the proofreaders are doing a 
good job; but if you get a proofreader that seems to have forgotten 
that you exist - or if you get an assignment to proofread for someone 
who never corresponds with you - either be patient or contact me for a 
new arrangement.

- Celeste

      "Romance" by Deirdre (ff attraction) 5
      "Roommate" by Deirdre (dominance & bondage) 8
      "Secretary" by Deirdre (ff preterition) 7
      "Martine and Chris" by Clint Quinn (sex with English 
             teacher) 9
      "Mind Snatchers" by Simon bar Sinister (science fiction) 9
      "Mary & Jessica" by Mary (ff romance) 9.5
      "Bird Watchers" by unknown author (hot romance) 10

"Romance" by Deirdre.  There really isn't enough here to call this a 
story.  Two women are checking out videotapes, and one rents a tape 
that apparently involves a hot romance between two women.  The narrator 
knows that she herself is attracted to the other woman, and she 
interprets their conversation about the tape as an innuendo that maybe 
the feeling is reciprocal.  (Rating: 5)

"Roommate" by Deirdre.  A woman is visited by her college roommate, who 
immediately strikes up a friendship with a couple who were her high 
school friends.  The woman wakes up in the middle of the night and 
finds the roommate having sex with her mother.  Almost immediately it 
escalates to where the roommate is having anal sex with the mother 
while giving a hand job to the woman; and then the high school friends 
come over and join the festivities.  What is striking about this story 
(as is the case with many of Deirdre's tales) is that she makes such 
outragreous behaviors seem so natural and plausible.  (Rating: 8)

"Secretary" by Deirdre.  "Preterition" is a technique I learned about 
in a college rhetoric class.  It refers to the strategy of bringing 
information into a conversation or debate by deliberately and obviously 
claiming to omit it.  For example, a man might say to his neighbor, 
"...and I'm not even going to mention the time your wife gave me head 
while you thought she was looking for her fork under the table at 
Delmonico's last week."  This story is a preterition of sorts: the 
narrator gives us a titillating tale by telling us what she's not going 
to tell us.  It's pretty interesting!  (Rating: 7)

"Martine and Chris" by Clint Quinn (cquinn@blizzard.wincom.net).  
Chris's teacher asks him to stay after his high school English class to 
discuss his short story with her.  He is relieved to discover that he 
has received an A+, but she also tells him that it was a very evocative 
story.  (Good word: evocative - as in "No, I'm not masturbating.  This 
is just an evocative story.")  They continue exploring vocabulary: he's 
remarkable; she's alluring.  Soon she is asking rhetorical questions 
and finding his tongue with hers.  Just for vocabulary practice they 
kiss with frantic intensity that allows no reticence.  Then they fuck.

Of course, English teachers - even alluring and sexy English teachers - 
don't really do this with their students.  However, since as a group we 
tend to be rather evocative, it's safe to assume that this is a good 
description of a fairly common fantasy among our male students.  
(Rating: 9)

"Mind Snatchers" by Simon bar Sinister (an61408@anon.penet.fi).  Using 
mind control strategies, two undersexed, rogue aliens (Mandrarians, to 
be precise) take Sarah captive, much to the chagrin of her boyfriend, 
Roy.  Fortunately, Roy himself is rescued by Dima, a beautiful woman 
with a Doctor Who British accent who has dedicated her life to freeing 
the known universe from Mandrarian control.  Roy joins Dima in her 
crusade, but while rescuing the women at an aerobics class from the 
aliens, he accidentally turns one of the women (Laura) into his sex 
slave by giving her the best orgasm of her life with a single touch of 
his hand.  From this point, Laura's only goal in life is to be blindly 
obedient and to satisfy the needs of her Master.  

This may all sound a little far-fetched, but I saw what I assume was a 
documentary recently on late night cable television.  It was about a 
sexy woman, whose name happened to be Jeanie, who lived in a bottle and 
responded to the whims of a person whom she perceived to be her Master 
and who happened to be a 60's-era astronaut living in Cocoa Beach, 
Florida.  However, that Master was a little less creative than this one 
in his demands.

Anyway, Roy soon finds himself within the horns of a dilemma: he has to 
either give into his carnal desires and let the horny Laura have her 
way with him or he can save the universe.  I'm not sure why this 
dichotomy exists; I think he should simply save the universe with his 
faithful sidekick Laura.  The story continues beyond this point.  Only 
two chapters are finished now, and there will be more to come.  This is 
a good story: reasonably hot sex and good humor.  (Rating: 9)

"Mary & Jessica" by Mary (mare@c2.org).  Our two heroines go shopping 
together to try on and purchase some bras.  (This part may be boring - 
nay, even incomprehensible, to male readers.)  Then they come home and 
make love together for the first time.  The shopping spree didn't turn 
me on, but the lovemaking did. The most interesting aspect of this 
story is the style of its layout, which consists of a paragraph by Mary 
followed by an indented paragraph from Jessica's perspective.  This 
enables us to see the story unfold from both viewpoints at once.  It's 
a very good story with the timing just a little bit off.  (Rating: 9.5)

"Bird Watchers" by Unknown Author.  There's a person named William Gann 
who is reposting a large number of stories from his archive.  I have 
had time to check out only a few of these; but my advice to you is to 
grab all of them you have time to download.  (If your service doesn't 
list the names of the person posting the messages, look for this 
format:  REPOST: BIRD1 "Bird Watchers" 1/8 M,F, mast.)  Some of the 
other downloaders don't exercise any quality control at all; their 
stories run the gamut from sheer gibberish to occasionally excellent 
writing.  However, Mr. Gann has been selective.  From what I have seen, 
the stories he is reposting are all literate and sexy.  As long as 
William Gann doesn't read this review and decide to post even more 
stories and start dumping bad ones on us, I think he is doing us a 
great service.  I cannot possibly read and review them all so rapidly; 
but I'll try to review one or two a week even after he stops posting 
them.

This particular story is about a man and a woman who accidentally view 
each other in moments of private sexual arousal (i.e., masturbation).  
Even though the man uses his binoculars to zoom in for detail, he 
doesn't consider this to be an invasion of her privacy.  {He 
differentiates between being a Peeping Tom and voyeurism of 
opportunity.}  In fact, as a friendly gesture he sends her a gift: a 
pair of binoculars with a note reading "from one bird lover to 
another."  The voyeurism is itself very sexy, and the direct sexual 
contact is even hotter.  I strongly recommend this story.

A problem with this posting is that I have no idea who the author is.  
I would very much like to read more stories by this writer, but I have 
no way to accomplish this.  I find that a lot of people who repost 
stories from their archives remove the names of the authors; and it's 
hard to tell who really wrote them.  This one bears a closer 
resemblance to the Sue-Backrub-Ng school of authors than to the 
Deirdre-Anderson or Victorian schools.  I'm pretty sure it was not 
written by either the Dirty Dawg, Shakespeare, or Francis Bacon.  It's 
really hot sex with good character development and twists of plot.  The 
author is especially adept at viewing the action from the perspectives 
of different characters and using flashbacks to add excitement to 
current situations.  I know the year is just beginning, but this is a 
good candidate for story of the year.  So if someone knows who the real 
author is, please let me know.  (Rating: 10)

GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK.  The Grammar Goddess has been busy reviewing 
stories and compiling a Top 100 list lately.  In my real life I have 
been spending time reading portfolios of papers supporting student 
applications for awards and scholarships.  What I have discovered is 
that the authors on this newsgroup are often better writers than the 
people who write letters of recommendation for students.  The essays by 
the students themselves are usually grammatically correct - not 
creative perhaps, but at least grammatically correct.  
{Parenthetically, I might point out the similarity to a.s.s. stories.  
These kids are kissing ass and getting screwed metaphorically; in the 
stories on this newsgroup, those activities are more likely to be 
literal.}  The grammar and spelling errors appear in the letters of 
recommendation from the adults - especially when these are written 
without the assistance of a secretary.  I cannot tell you how often 
last week I was possessed by an urge to e-mail a bank president, 
chemistry teacher, or football coach a copy of Celestial Grammar.  I 
refrained, since that might blow my cover (metaphorically, of course.)

Anyway, here are a few notes in response to questions from readers.

PERHAPS/MAYBE.  A correspondent from France asked if there is any 
difference between these two words.  My answer is that they are 
essentially identical in meaning and in usage.  Perhaps is a little 
more formal - perhaps.  I can't find any source that discusses and 
compares these two words, and so I tried the following sentences 
myself:

      Perhaps I will let you fuck me if you lick my cunt first.
      I came perhaps ten times last night.
      I thought I was making love to my husband, put perhaps
            that was you in the closet.

As far as I can see, it would be OK to insert "maybe" in place of 
"perhaps" in each of these sentences.  If anyone knows of exceptions, 
please tell me; otherwise I hereby proclaim these words to be 
interchangeable.

FEWER/LESS.  These words are NOT interchangeable.  FEWER is the 
comparative of FEW.  Use it in reference to a smaller number of 
individual persons or things.  LESS can be considered a comparative 
form of A LITTLE.  Use it in reference to a smaller quantity.

      I have had sex with FEWER than ten people this year.
      I usually have FEWER than three orgasms in any single
            session of lovemaking.
      His cock was LESS than six inches long, until I began licking
            it and caressing it gently with my lips, while I worked 
            one hand along the inside of his thigh and gradually 
            inserted one finger of my other hand deep into the 
            crack of his ass.
      He offered me LESS than $100 to have sex with him.

The most common mistake is to use LESS in place of FEWER.  I think the 
main reason for the confusion is that MORE is the opposite comparative 
of both words.

HAVE/HAVE GOT.  A correspondent from France told me he had been taught 
to use "to have" with "got": "I've got a date tonight."  He concluded 
that it would be incorrect to say "I have a date tonight."  Actually, 
it would be fine to just HAVE the date.  The incorrect usage would be 
to use GOT alone.  

      (Incorrect): I got a date tonight.
      (Correct): I have a date tonight.
      (Correct, but less desirable):  I've got a date tonight.

The first sentence could conceivably be correct, but only if the 
speaker meant GOT as a synonym for "obtained." "After two weeks of 
trying, I got (obtained) a date with the man of my dreams."

On a related topic, my "New York Times Manual of Style" tells me that 
GOTTEN is no longer a useful word.  I guess it's OK to use it as the 
past participle of GET, but GOT is quite acceptable.

      "I wish I could have GOT lucky last night."
      "I suppose I could have GOT pregnant by any of those 
           men."

In many cases, a more specific verb (such as obtained or become) is 
preferable to GOT.
