         





              MORE COMMERCIALS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

                             by

                          Joe Doe


     MORE INANE COMMERCIAL IDEAS FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE


		
COMMERCIAL 1: ALWAYS LOOK YOUR BEST

CLOSE-UP OF A WOMAN SLOWLY UNBUTTONING A WHITE SILK BLOUSE.

VOICE-OVER (SOFT AND FEMININE): "Do you remember your mother 
telling you to wear clean underwear in case you were in an 
accident and taken to the hospital?"

THE WOMAN REMOVES HER BLOUSE TO REVEAL A LACY, FIRE-ENGINE RED BRA.

VOICE-OVER: "Your mother was right."

THE WOMAN CAREFULLY REMOVES HER ELEGANT SHOES.

VOICE-OVER: "You never know who might be watching."

THE WOMAN BEGINS TO UNZIP HER SKIRT.  QUICK CUT TO THE SMILING 
FACE OF A BUTCH WOMAN WITH GREASY, SLICKED-BACK HAIR; SHE'S 
WEARING A MALL SECURITY GUARD'S UNIFORM.

VOICE-OVER: "It could be the security guard at your favorite 
store."

CUT TO AN OLD WOMAN SMILING MALICIOUSLY AS SHE WATCHES THE YOUNG 
WOMAN'S SKIRT FLUTTER TO THE GROUND.

VOICE-OVER: "Or it could be the old biddy store clerk who decided 
to punish your 'smart mouth' by claiming you were shoplifting?"

THE WOMAN IS NOW DRESSED IN A LACY RED BRA AND PANTY SET WITH RED 
STOCKINGS AND A RED GARTER BELT.  THE SMILING SECURITY GUARD 
MOTIONS FOR THE WOMAN TO HOLD HER ARMS STRAIGHT OUT.  THEN SHE 
MAKES A TURNING MOTION WITH HER FINGER.

THE BLUSHING, HALF-NAKED WOMAN COMPLIES AND BEGINS TURING IN A 
SLOW CIRCLE.

CUT TO THE MALL SECURITY ROOM, WHERE AT LEAST 20 GUYS ARE LAUGHING 
AND CHEERING, AS THEY WATCH THE BLUSHING WOMAN BEING PUT THROUGH 
HER PACES.

VOICE-OVER: "Anyone could be watching....  Or everyone."

CUT TO THE SECURITY GUARD SNAPPING ON A RUBBER GLOVE.

CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF THE BLUSHING WOMAN PUTTING HER HANDS TO HER 
FACE IN A GESTURE OF "OH-NO!"

CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF THE OLD WOMAN SMILING EVILY.

CUT TO THE MEN IN THE CONTROL ROOM, WHO BREAK INTO SHOUTS, 
APPLAUSE, AND CHEERS.

VOICE-OVER: "Lingerie from Victoria’s Secret.  Because you should 
always look your best."

		******************************                

COMMERCIAL 2:  LUBRIDERM

A PRISON GUARD IS SITTING AT A DESK.  STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM IS 
AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT.  SHE'S GESTICULATING 
WILDLY.

WOMAN: "My name is Susan Mills, and I'm a Special Agent with the 
FBI.  They made me hand in my gun and badge at the front desk."

GUARD: "Rules are rules, Miss.  All female visitors must be 
searched, showered, deloused, and given a special visitor's 
uniform."

PAN OVER TO SHOW ANOTHER GUARD ENTERING THE ROOM.  IGNORING THE 
WOMAN, HE BEGINS TALKING TO THE FIRST GUARD.

SECOND GUARD: "What's wrong, Wraith?  Is the job getting you down?"

WRAITH (HOLDING UP HIS HANDS): "These new strip search rules are 
killing my hands, Searchem.  I've done thirty cavity searches 
today, and those rubber gloves leave my hands feeling all cracked 
and chafed.  Maybe I should just let this one go."

WOMAN: "Of course you should let me go.  I'm an FBI agent!"

SEARCHEM: "Don't be silly, Wraith.  With Lubriderm hand cream, you 
could search every woman in the Bureau and still keep your hands 
soft and smooth."

SEARCHEM HOLDS UP A CONTAINER OF LUBRIDERM.  ZOOM IN FOR A CLOSE-UP 
OF THE LABEL.

WRAITH: "Do you think it will really work?  My hands are like 
sandpaper!"

WOMAN (ALARMED): "Sandpaper?"

SEARCHEM: "Your hands will be baby soft.  Take it from an old hand 
at strip searches: feeling is believing." 

HE PASSES WRAITH THE BOTTLE.

A CLOCK DISSOLVE NOTES THE PASSAGE OF TIME UNTIL WRAITH EMERGES 
FROM A DOOR MARKED "EXAMINATION ROOM #7."  AS HE EXITS THE ROOM, 
HE ENCOUNTERS SEARCHEM WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY.

SEARCHEM (BRIGHTLY): "Hi, Wraith!  How's business?"

WRAITH: "Never better.  Lubriderm really did the trick.  My hands 
feel great!"

HE HOLDS HIS FINGERS UP TO HIS NOSE.

WRAITH: "And with the new fresh pine scent, my fingers don't even 
smell like fish anymore!"

AS THE TWO MEN ARE CHATTING, AN EMBARRASSED AND FLUSTERED SUSAN 
MILLS, NOW CLAD ONLY IN A SKIMPY PRISON-ISSUE TOWEL, TRIES TO 
SQUEEZE PAST WRAITH INTO THE HALLWAY.  WRAITH QUICKLY SPINS HER 
AROUND AND CUFFS HER HANDS BEHIND HER BACK.

WRAITH: "Can you take this one downstairs?  I did her cavity 
search, but she still needs a shower and delousing.  Plus I still 
have two more policewomen, a female news anchor, and Judge Ashley 
to search."

SEARCHEM (SMILING AS HE GRABS SUSAN BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK, 
SLAPS HER BOTTOM, AND ROUGHLY PUSHES HER DOWN THE HALL): "Boy, 
you sure have a busy day!"

WRAITH (GRINNING): "Not a problem...for me and Lubriderm!"

THE TWO MEN CHUCKLE AS THE CAMERA SHOWS A CLOSE-UP OF A LARGE 
BOTTLE OF LUBIDERM SITTING ON A TABLE.

		******************************              

COMMERCIAL 3: MASTERCARD

A YOUNG WOMAN IN A SMART BUSINESS SUIT IS SITTING IN AN OAK-PANELED 
OFFICE, TYPING INTO A LAPTOP, OCCASIONALLY STOPPING TO TAKE NOTES.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK SCREEN WITH THE FOLLOWING TEXT:

Cost of using the archives at your law firm to locate the most 
sexist and unjust sheriff's department in the rural South: 45 
minutes....

DISSOLVE TO WOMAN, STILL SMARTLY DRESSED, AT THE AIRPORT, FOLLOWED 
BY ANOTHER DISSOLVE TO THE FOLLOWING TEXT:  

Cost of plane ticket to South Carolina: $329
Cost of Corvette Rental: $270 per week
Cost of "I Don’t Brake for Fat Rednecks" bumper sticker: $4

DISSOLVE TO WOMAN, NOW DRESSED IN BLUE DENIM CUT-OFFS, SNEAKERS, 
AND A DECORATED, MIDRIFF-BARING T-SHIRT, GETTING INTO HER RENTAL 
CAR AT THE AIRPORT.

DISSOLVE TO TEXT: Cost of short-shorts: $15

AS SHE SITS DOWN IN THE CAR, THE CAMERA SHOWS A CLOSE-UP OF HER 
BRALESS BREASTS IN THE TIGHT T-SHIRT THAT DISPLAYS THE CONFEDERATE 
BATTLE FLAG WITH A RED CIRCLE AROUND IT AND A RED LINE THROUGH IT.

DISSOLVE TO TEXT: 

Cost of a bimbo t-shirt with the "No Confederate Flag" symbol: $20
Cost of gas to drive through known speedtrap at 70 mph:	$20

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF THE HANDCUFFS SNAPPING SHUT ON THE WOMAN'S 
WRISTS.

DISSOLVE TO TEXT: 

Cost of speeding fine: $75
Cost of reminding the judge that "Your side LOST the Civil War": 
  1 week on the prison farm...

CUT TO THE WOMAN BEING LED TOWARDS A EXAMINATION TABLE.  A FEMALE 
DEPUTY SNAPS THE STIRRUPS INTO PLACE.  IN THE BACKGROUND, THE 
UNIFORMED SHERIFF, THE BLACK-ROBED JUDGE, AND A MAN WITH A NAME 
TAG THAT SAYS "WARDEN," ALL WATCH WITH UNDISGUISED GLEE AS THE 
DEPUTY UNLOCKS THE WOMAN’S CUFFS.

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF A SMALL, TIGHT SMILE ON THE WOMAN'S FACE.

DISSOLVE TO TEXT: 

Value of fulfilling your fantasy of being strip-searched in front 
of a bunch of rednecks: Priceless.

VOICE-OVER: "There are somethings money can’t buy.  For everything 
else, there’s Mastercard."

		******************************                 

COMMERCIAL 4: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

THE MAN FROM VERIZON WALKS INTO AN EXAMINATION ROOM WHERE A 
WOMAN IS GETTING A PELVIC EXAMINATION.  THE DOCTOR TURNS AROUND, 
SURPRISED, AND THE WOMAN STRUGGLES TO MOVE HERSELF INTO A LESS 
REVEALING POSITION.

VERIZON MAN (OBLIVIOUS, TALKING INTO HIS PHONE): "Can you hear me 
now?"

CUT TO THE VERIZON MAN ENTERING A ROOM MARKED "LOCKER ROOM: DALLAS 
COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS."  HE WALKS PAST 20 NAKED BABES IN THE SHOWER.

VERIZON MAN (STILL OBLIVIOUS, TALKING INTO HIS PHONE): "Can you hear me 
now?"

VOICE-OVER: "Verizon offers the nation's largest and most reliable 
network.  That means fewer dropped calls...no matter where you go."

CUT TO THE VERIZON MAN WALKING INTO A BATHROOM AND PULLING BACK A 
SHOWER CURTAIN TO REVEAL THE BACK OF A NAKED WOMAN WITH LONG, DARK 
BROWN HAIR.  HE TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER AND THEN HOLDS THE PHONE 
OUT.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (TURNING AROUND AND SCREAMING INTO THE PHONE): 
#@&! 

VOICE FROM THE PHONE: "Yes, I can definitely hear you!"

		******************************                  

COMMERCIAL 5: TRAVELOCITY

A WOMAN IS SITTING AT HER COMPUTER WITH HER HUSBAND, TYPING THEIR 
VACATION PLANS INTO TRAVELOCITY.

WOMAN (READING): "Haggle with the merchants at bazaars and markets 
that have been open for over a thousand years!  Mmmm...sounds 
exciting."

MAN (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF): "Oh, great.  Fly half way around the 
world to go shopping."

WOMAN (IGNORING HIM): "Sounds yummy.  Let's get some more details!"

WOMAN (SQUINTING AT THE SCREEN): "The market will sell any exotic 
and forbidden pleasure your heart may desire."

THE WOMAN LEANS BACK AND IMAGINES THE SCENE.  FADE OUT....  

FADE IN ON A "DREAM SEQUENCE."  THE WOMAN IS PICKING THROUGH 
SCARVES IN A LARGE, OPEN AIR MARKET.  IN THE BACKGROUND, THE 
HUSBAND IS TALKING WITH A SLEAZY-LOOKING STREET VENDOR.

STREET VENDOR: "How much for your woman?"

MAN (CONFUSED): "Well, her billing rate is $300 an hour.  But what 
would you do with a corporate attorney here?"

STREET VENDOR: "No...I mean naked...on the auction block.  I sell 
her for you.  She pretty...she American executive.  She fetch good 
price naked.  How much?"

HE PRODUCES A HUGE STACK OF BIG BILLS AND PUTS IT ON THE COUNTER.

STREET VENDOR (POINTING AT THE MONEY): "For naked lady, I give 
this.  If she a natural blonde, I give you this, too!"

HE SLAPS TWO MORE STACKS OF BILLS ON THE COUNTER.

MAN (LOOKING THOUGHTFULLY AT THE MONEY, AND THEN AT HIS WIFE, WHO 
IS STILL SHOPPING): "More for natural blondes, eh?"

DISSOLVE TO THE WOMAN WHO IS GLARING AT THE "DREAM SEQUENCE" SCREEN 
WITH AN EXTREMELY UNHAPPY EXPRESSION.  SUDDENLY SHE TURNS AND HITS 
HER HUSBAND ON THE ARM.

HUSBAND (SURPRISED): "Hey, what did I do?"

WOMAN (ANGRILY): "You’re spending your vacation at the Mall of 
America, Mister!"

VOICE-OVER: "Travelocity gives you the details you need to plan 
the vacation you want.  Travelocity.com."

		******************************                   

COMMERCIAL 7: FRESHNESS

IN THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE FROM "ONE QUESTION TOO MANY," AN ATTRACTIVE 
YOUNG WOMAN (WEARING JEANS AND A PULLOVER) IS TIGHTLY CLUTCHING THE 
BARS OF HER CELL.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "The Voluntary Strip Search Program has 
been a huge success, but it has led to a few problems.  Some 
of the girls got all hot and bothered waiting for their turn 
on the table."

CUT TO THE WOMAN CLENCHING HER TEETH AS SHE LOOKS AT THE LEERING 
MEN POINTING AND TALKING ABOUT HER THROUGH THE WINDOW.  WIDE SHOT 
OF HER WATCHING A GRINNING DEPUTY SNAP THE STEEL STIRRUPS INTO 
PLACE ON THE TABLE.  

AS THE SHERIFF TALKS, CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN SQUEEZING HER 
THIGHS TOGETHER.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "Sometimes I leave them in the cell for a 
couple of hours, to let them think things over.  By the time I 
strip their undies off them, they're a hot, stinking mess."

CUT TO A DEPUTY GINGERLY HOLDING UP PAIR OF LACY PANTIES WITH A 
LARGE, WET STAIN IN THE CROTCH.  THE DEPUTY GRIMACES AS A DROP OF 
MOISTURE DRIPS OFF THE PANTIES.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "When we're short on help, I send the 
Voluntary Strip Search Program girls to the prison farm or the 
truck stop to work.  Naturally I always keep their clothes here, 
all safe and sound....  But, before long, the storage area was 
starting to smell like a bordello at high tide."

CUT TO THE DEPUTY OPENING THE DOOR AND TURNING ON A LIGHT IN A HUGE 
STORAGE ROOM FILLED WITH STACKS OF BLACK CLOTHING CRATES.  HE WAVES 
HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE AND THEN HOLDS HIS NOSE.  CLEARLY HE 
IS NAUSEATED BY THE SMELL.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "It got so bad that they started calling the 
storage room the 'fish market.'"

CUT TO THE SHERIFF IN HIS OFFICE, POLISHING HIS RAZOR STRAP 
PROUDLY.  SUDDENLY HE TURNS AND WRINKLES HIS NOSE.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "When I started to smell it my office, I knew 
I had to do something."

CUT TO A BOX OF ZIPLOC STORAGE BAGS SITTING ON THE SHERIFF'S 
DESK.  AS HE TALKS, CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF HIS HAND REACHING IN 
AND EXTRACTING A BAG.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "That's when I got the new ZIPLOC storage 
bags.  Patented Ziploc technology gives me a perfect seal.  When 
the colors change, I know the bag is shut."

CUT TO THE DEPUTY DROPPING THOSE STAINED PANTIES INTO A ZIPLOC 
STORAGE BAG.  EXTREME CLOSEUP OF THE SEAL CHANGING COLOR AS HE 
ZIPS THE BAG.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "Why, it's so simple, even an inbred 
hillbilly moron can use it!"

CUT TO THE DEPUTY AGAIN ENTERING THE STORAGE ROOM, BUT NOW HE IS 
SMILING. HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH; CLEARLY THE 
STENCH IS GONE.

VOICE-OVER (SHERIFF): "Now, that gamey old storage room smells 
daisy fresh!"

CUT TO THE SHERIFF WALKING UP TO THE YOUNG WOMAN IN THE CELL, NOW 
SHIFTING HER WEIGHT FROM FOOT TO FOOT IN DESPERATION.

WOMAN (DESPERATELY): "Puuu—leeese, Sheriff!  Can't we just get 
this over with?"

SHERIFF: "Tell me, Debbie, is this your first visit with us?"

DEBBIE: "Yes, sir.  I signed up for the Voluntary Strip Search 
Program this afternoon."

SHERIFF (HOLDING UP A ZIPLOC STORAGE BAG): "Tell me true, Debbie, 
are you all hot and randy?  Are you a dirty little girl?  Is the 
deputy going to need to bag your stinky underpants?"

DEBBIE (BLUSHING AND LOOKING DOWN AT HER SHOES, IN A FEEBLE 
WHISPER): "Yes, sir."

SHERIFF (TOSSING THE BAG OFF CAMERA): "Rufus, remember to bag 
little Debbie's underpants for the front window.  And don't 
forget to put her name tag on it.  I want the fellas to know 
what a hot little number we have here."

SHERIFF (TURNING BACK TO DEBBIE): "First, I'm going to go over to 
the diner and get some of that slow-roasted chicken.  Then I'm 
going to go get an oil change and some doughnuts."

DEBBIE (FRANTICALLY): "But you can't just leave me like this!"

SHERIFF: "Sure I can, Debbie...."  (HOLDS UP THE ZIPLOC BOX)  
"Now that I have new ZIPLOC storage bags."  

ZOOM IN FOR A CLOSE-UP OF THE BOX.

VOICE-OVER (ANNOUNCER): "Eliminate unwanted odors with new ZIPLOC 
storage bags."

FADE TO BLACK.

		

Edited by C. Lakewood
