Celestial Reviews 253 - January 28, 1998

Note:  A little boy was playing in his room when suddenly he heard 
animalistic sounds emanating from his parents bedroom.  He rushed to the 
door and peered through the keyhole and was shocked by what he saw.

There on the bed were his parents, his father on top of his mother and 
his mother's arms flailing back and forth.  When his parents came out of 
the bedroom, the little boy rushed to his mother and said, "Mommy, 
Mommy, did Daddy hurt you?"

The mother replied, "Oh, no, baby, it's just what people do.  When we 
grow up, we roll around naked in bed and this is how we get babies."  
The little boy was fine with that.

Several days later, when his auntie and uncle were visiting, he heard 
the same sort of animalistic sounds coming from their bedroom. Again, he 
ran to the door and peered through the keyhole and was shocked by what 
he saw.

There was his uncle STANDING in the middle of the room and his auntie on 
her knees before him with her head bobbing back and forth, back and 
forth, back and forth. When they came from the bedroom, the little boy 
rushed to his auntie and said, "Auntie, mother explained to me that when 
people get big they roll around naked in bed and this is how they get 
babies. But, auntie, what were you doing?"

Auntie laughed and said, "Darling', that's how we get jewelry."

Second note:  I have to remember to stop picking on John Milton.  I must 
have just had a bad teacher when I studied Milton.  It's really 
unfortunate how one bad teacher can utterly ruin an author for a 
student.  Anyway, please find all my negative references to John Milton 
and insert Henry James instead.

Third note:  I am getting more requests for proofreading help lately.  
If any of my previous volunteers have not been active recently and would 
like to receive a new assignment, please contact me.  Likewise, if you 
have never proofread before and would like to give it a try, please 
contact me.  It can be fun!  Finally, if you want the help of one of 
these proofreaders or if you have requested help and have not received 
it yet, please contact me.  This is one of the best genuinely free 
services in the entire world.  Really!

Fourth note:  One of my guest reviewers has suggested posting Story 
Links with these reviews.  These are the http locations in the a.s.s.m. 
archive where these stories are stored.  By simply pasting this address 
into the proper place in your Web browser, you can get the story 
immediately.

Initially, this sounds like a good idea, but there are some problems.  
First, not all the stories are archived in a.s.s.m.  Second, giving you 
this information may overwhelm the a.s.s.m. archive or cause some abuse 
that I am unaware of.  I think Eli is doing a great job and I don't want 
to make his life miserable. Third - and most important from my 
perspective - it's too much work for me to do this alone.  This is 
because I usually get the stories before they are archived.  To supply 
the story links, I would have to go back after I have written the 
reviews and find each link.  My feeling is that I have exhausted my 
public service by writing the reviews; but if someone else would like to 
cooperate by getting the links for me, that would make the task 
manageable.  In fact, this might be almost no extra work for someone 
else, who might routinely download all the stories I review after the 
reviews appear in CR.

I am posting the links for several of the stories in this issue.  {The 
other stories either had no link at the time this went to press or were 
too difficult for me to find.}  I would appreciate you feedback - plus 
any offers from volunteers.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Prick" by Lord Malinov (video voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
      "Starlight" by SandMan (detective story sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Grass" by Uther Pendragon (sex with a real stud) 10, 9, 9
      "HetSex" by AdrBrown (lesbian subterfuge) 10, 10, 10
      "Letter to Sarah" by The Bear (blindfolded rendezvous)
            10, 10, 10
      "Peggy and Brad" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (swinging)
            9, 9, 9

Guest Reviews: 

      "Clinton" by Zifferman (political satire) 9.95. 9.9, 10
      "Her Treatment" by Burnt Sienna (oral sex) 9, 7, 5
      "My Lust For Anna" by Hap E. Meal (mutual masturbation)
            3, 4, 3
      "The Long Weekend" by Skull Duggery (sisterly sex adventure)
            9, 10, 10
      "The Couch" by Myschief (female masturbation) 9, 4, 6
      "I Remember" by Louise (masturbation) 8, 9, 9

Reposted Reviews:

    * "A Rude Awakening" by Michael Dagley (reformed 
            virgin on a binge) 10, 10, 10

* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
      reposted)

"Prick" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com).    Story 
Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7776.txt

This is a story about Stephanie and Liz masturbating together while they 
are watching Rick watching a tape of Stephanie doing an erotic 
striptease on a videotape that she had made for Mark while Stephanie is 
making the videotape that Stephanie and Liz are watching.  That sentence 
makes perfect sense - but only after you already know what the story is 
about.

Rick is a real prick! That sentence also makes perfect sense - but only 
after you already know what the story is about.

I guess you had better go and read this story, if you want to understand 
this review.

Ratings for "Prick"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Starlight" by SandMan (sandman@bitsmart.com).  Steve Whiley is a 
private dick - a detective, that is.  Crystal Dawn (about whom a country 
western song should be written, if there isn't one already) is a netstar 
who needs protection from a stalker. Steve gets the gig.  My husband 
says I am sexy when I use technical terms.

Crystal is a beautiful dame.  She has the nicest set of teeth the author 
has come across in a long time.  The author didn't say that, but maybe 
he will in another story.  It's something Sergeant Friday would have 
said, had he been allowed to say what was really on his mind.  I think 
Magnum P.I. actually DID say it once, but maybe that's something I just 
made up.

The story is set in the future, at a time when soaps are virtual reality 
on the Internet instead of the simple fare we have on TV now and when 
earthquakes could be predicted so accurately that Californians time 
their lovemaking to take advantage of the movement of the earth.  
Hemingway would love that.  Ernest - not the blonde Hemingway.  Anyway, 
they do sex about the same way we do it now, except that they 
occasionally line up their beds to point to the epicenter.  Imagine 
that.

This is not so much a sex story as a very good detective story with sex 
in it.  I liked it a lot.

The most novel spellcheck mistake award goes to this author's accidental 
use of "prescient" instead of "precinct" - unless P.I stands for Pussy 
Inspector, in which case prescience would be more useful than a 
precinct.  At least I think so.  Sometimes the gang down at the precinct 
think they are prescient, but they probably just make a good guess now 
and then about whether she's wearing panties or not.

Also, "uno momento" is a tiny amount of time in Spanish.  A "memento" is 
a sort of souvenir.  Look for the word "memory" in the root.  I am a 
cunning linguist - a sort of a word dick.  That's my job.  Mark VII.

Ratings for "Starlight"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Grass" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  This is a story about 
grass.  Grass, my ass!  This is a story about a real stud, a veritable 
stallion who selects his filly from the herd, fucks her, and makes her 
like it.

I am trying to make my reviews no more than 10% as long as the story.  
So this review is finished.

Ratings for "Grass"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"HetSex" by AdrBrown (Adrbrown@aol.com)    Story 
Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7664.txt

This isn't really a "hot" story; but it's a very good one.  It contains 
essentially no explicit sex, but it held my constant attention for the 
fifteen minutes or so it took to read it.

The narrator is a female career Air Force pilot who is a lesbian but 
fakes sex with guys in order to be "certified" as acceptable in the Air 
Force.  It seems that the "don't ask, don't tell" policy doesn't really 
work.  The way she handles the problem is both creative and plausible.

The author uses an intensely interesting style that makes me hope she'll 
post some more stories.

In the "You Learn Something New Everyday Department": "sicked" is a 
legitimate spelling of the past tense of "sic," meaning "to set upon or 
attack."  But sicced is probably preferred.  My spellcheck recognizes 
neither of these past tenses.  It thinks I was trying to spell first 
"sickbed" and then "succeed."  I just thought you should know that.

Ratings for "HetSex"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Letter to Sarah" by The Bear (thebear@io.com).    Story 
Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7237.txt

Sarah is a college girl.  During her Christmas break she receives an 
anonymous package containing a letter and some sexy lingerie.  The 
letter contains instructions to come to room 36 at the Deluxe Motel at a 
specified time, wearing the lingerie on December 23.  The letter also 
instructs Sarah to put on a blindfold before knocking on the door and 
gives a detailed description of what will happen to her thereafter.  
Sarah cannot decide whether the package is from her boyfriend Brian, his 
roommate Tom, or perhaps from someone else.

This is an interesting twist on the blindfolded-in-the-motel-room motif.  
I really liked it.

Ratings for "Letter to Sarah"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Peggy and Brad" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (Sxjames@aol.com).    Story 
Link: http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7719.txt 
Emerson and Lynn are happily married, but they decide to expand their 
horizons by swinging.  So they place an ad, and soon they meet Peggy and 
Brad for a one-night session.  The sex is all spouse-swapping - no 
threesomes or foursomes.  It's really pretty hot stuff.

As I have stated many times in these Reviews, my husband and I are 
monogamous.  I say this not to try to convert you to our lifestyle, but 
rather to give you the frame of reference from which I am reviewing this 
story. 

There are some good reasons to try swinging.  For example, in this story 
we learn that Brad is repulsed by even the idea of eating pussy and that 
and that a new man's cock feels very good inside Peggy and that Emerson 
has a gentle way of fucking that is quite different from the fast, 
pistoning method Peggy is used to and that Emerson's cock can touch 
places in her that Brad's has never touched before. That really does 
sound enticing.  I'm going to probably go to my grave having experienced 
only a limited range of the fucking styles available on the North 
American continent and with some parts of my innards completely 
untouched by a man's cock.

A basic flaw in these swinging stories is that they present that 
lifestyle with no problems.  Even aside from the positive values I see 
in monogamy, it seems to be just plain common sense that swinging 
partners are at least as likely to be a pain in the ass as are marriage 
partners.  This thought rarely shows up in these stories.  In addition, 
they make the rather tenuous assumption that if hubby hits it off with 
wife2, wifey will also hit it off with hubby2 - and all with no 
jealousy.

But, hey!  It's all in the spirit of good clean fun, and this is a hot 
story.

Ratings for "Peggy and Brad"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Clinton" by Zifferman (zifferman@aol.com).  Guest review by The One And 
Only TDS.  Story Link: http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7627.txt

I can't help feeling I got carried away with this, but given the 
circumstances surrounding the timing of this story's release and also 
the impact events are having, I felt I should just let go!

Let me start this sucker of a review off with what I believe are a set 
of germane quotes, speaking relatively to the situation now at hand in 
and throughout America...if you believe our airwaves are dominated by 
news shows that need to fill time and yap-yap talk shows that need to be 
filled with trailer park trash...

"Image is everything."
- U.S./Wimbledon tennis champion Andre Agassi,
  in commercial for Canon cameras (which SUCK).

"Frank's story about what happened is, to say the most, very
fascinating."  (Pause, smile becoming an exasperated frown).  
"To say the least, it's perjury!"  (Laugh track)
- Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce, M*A*S*H episode

"Now, if it were a Republican that got laid, THAT would be a story!"
- Comedian Bob "Bobcat" Goldthwait to Arsenio Hall

The first quote is way, way, WAAAAY off the mark, in this case.  For the 
record, this story was posted to Eli's web page on Jan. 21 - to be 
hereinafter referred to, historically, as Monica Lewinsky Day! The REAL 
quote should be "TIMING is everything!" 

Anyone out there wanna argue with that??

The second...well, if you know the particulars involving Lewinsky and 
Paula Jones and Linda Tripp and Gennifer Flowers and all of THAT 
gang...please don't be dead brained enough to have to ask!  I and all 
the other people who think for a living in this world have far more 
important and interesting things to do, thank you very much...

As for the third quote...'nuff said!

The premise of this work is blatant:  Bill Clinton is traveling the 
country on a series of interviews and speaking engagements.  Part of his 
various appearances involve being grilled (I can't use the word 
interview twice in a paragraph without looking like a no-brain geek) by 
local reporters on "the issues."  At one studio our hero comes in 
contact with a female reporter who has the kind of body he wants to 
grill, drill and fill...need I say more, faithful companion? 

Some plot, of course.  And the eventual outcome?  OF COURSE he fucks 
her, you idiot, what did you *think* was going to happen?  Chelsea was 
going to ask for a car so she could go necking or something?

At this point, I have to give a MAJOR compliment to the author:  My 
fellow American writer, you've got some damn solid talent here, in 
particular a very facile mind regarding observations of situations! I 
loved the part where you pointed out what today's politicians are like, 
in terms of their handling and handlers - particularly your very well-
written paragraph on the process and techniques of their preparation, 
which gave you major points in this review and is a must read for those 
interested in the modern political world and its sundry and arcane 
processes - but, most of all, I REALLY want to stand up and compliment 
you mightily for (I am sure by accident) creating two phrases that may 
end up in the American lexicon, even though you might not have intended 
this to happen when you were writing:  "modem Presidency" and 
"modempoliticians"!

Absolutely perfect!  Absolutely appropriate!  Absolutely FABULOUS! 
(WHOOPS!!  Sorry, that's a registered trademark...aw, FUCK 'em!  It 
*STILL* applies).  In those words you have coined the future of the 
political and, by definition, communicative process of public discourse 
and action in and throughout our nation in the years ahead.

I know you meant to say "modern", but this may be the first example of a 
Freudian slip that came complete with shirt, tie, suit and two pairs of 
pants!  I left the socks and shoes out because you gotta go to *another* 
store to get those...and speaking of another store...

Time for a rant, this one involving public perceptions:

The days of the whistlestop train, intimate Fireside Chats, cozy 
relationships with public figures...all that's over.  And THANK GOD for 
that; I was getting pretty fuckin' sick of those staged scenes where all 
was well on the outside even though the inside was simply so 
dysfunctional if word ever got out all hell would break loose and all 
involved would fall to bits.  What I'm describing involves that cozying 
up to celebrities of all types so they look better than good to the 
average six-pack-suckin', beer-fartin', do-the-work, pay-the- taxes-and-
still-get-screwed-in-the-end human being referred to as the person on 
(or, depending on the economy, IN) the street.  Said same "cozying up" 
accomplished with techniques developed throughout the years - and all a 
setup, OBVIOUSLY, to those with the proper education, training and 
sophistication - ranging from every single cutesy (and insipid) 
Hollywood studio-supplied promote-the-stars newsreels to the unending 
photo ops for politicians all over the place (now supplanted by cable 
channels trying to grab onto anything they can think of just to fill 
overnight air time) to every story - no matter the subject - that needs 
a "spin doctor" of one kind or another (let alone those involved who 
need lawyers, guns and money).

Americans of today are a much more observant and, overall, tolerant lot 
than they were forty or fifty years ago.  Whether or not they are a lot 
of louts to be observed and tolerated is another question, given what 
they're having to observe (and we're having to tolerate). Far more 
offensive to all is open and outright illegality, as there has been so 
much blatant hypocrisy spewed forth (Richard Nixon:  "I'm not a crook!"  
To which the appropriate response to that line is:  Here's this tape 
with the word "not" edited out!) that, as years have passed, people have 
become inured, virtually,  to any kind of two-faced behavior concerning 
private morals between consenting adults.  In short, the majority (the 
Silent Majority; there's that goddamn Nixon prick again) will take 
almost anything ranging from off color jokes to making the beast with 
two backs at Madison Square Garden - so long as it does not involve 
police or any other authority figures (see Mike Tyson, among others) 
having to pull out their badges or handcuffs, file charges, sit down as 
deliberative bodies and - horrors! - actually WORK for a living.

Some technical nits with the story, most of these are based on my 
personal preferences involving copy and its visual presentation - in 
short, I believe layout can increase dramatically the power of the 
written word just as inflection can enhance the power of the spoken 
word.  But I'm not going to slam this story too heavily, in terms of its 
technical merit.  So, starting with a 10 and working backwards:

Deduct 0.1 point:  I would have taken the line "It was pussy." and made 
it a single paragraph on its own; setting it off would add a better 
visual effect to the line's hilarity.

Deduct 0.2 point:  After the phrase "scratchy balls," I would have added 
the line "He was supposed to have brass balls.  Unlike his wife Hillary, 
who was nothing BUT brass balls."  Can't forget you gotta have a lot of 
brass to BE the President.  Let alone be married to one.

Deduct 0.2 point:  The phrase should be "PREdominantly female-guard 
team" (You gotta read the story to find out why that idea sucked - but I 
think you can get it from the subject matter).

Deduct 0.1 point:  Not following up the crack about having to do guard 
duty for Dan Quayle (YICCCH!) with the line "Especially guarding his 
frigid titless wife Marilyn, who smiles like she could eat a pineapple 
through a tennis racquet."

Deduct .05 point:  Golf balls are covered with balata, NOT rubber (even 
though it is a type of rubber, please use the correct term - this from 
someone who once played to a 2 handicap)

ADD 0.5 point:  "modem Presidency" and "modem politicians", watch for 
these phrases from a newspaper columnist near you! WELL DONE!!

Deduct 0.1 point:  Figures you have to have an undersexual husband to 
make this work on her part...sheesh.  What if hubby was a closet gay who 
could not come out? HMMMM....to that:

ADD 0.15 point:  Hillary being gay!  Which leads me to believe THAT'S 
the reason for all this perjury crap surrounding Slick Willy and Miss 
Whatzthatbimbozenamethisweek: The "affair" was with HILLARY and NOT 
Boner Bill, and he was getting this intern to shut up so his wife's 
career - and his precious studly status - wouldn't be blown. Imagine 
that!  (And can you imagine the effect that would have on his ego, to 
say nothing of his career?  Everybody would start to call him "Ross" 
because he made a woman go gay...)

Deduct 0.1 point:  Female reporter protesting Clinton put his hands on 
her buttocks - and there was no follow-up Forrest Gump reference of any 
kind! For shame...!

ADD 0.1 point:  Clinton's line "Puritanism died a terrible death some 
time ago."  Now *that's* a line a horny politician would think of!

Deduct 0.1 point: For forgetting Bush's poontang allegations.

ADD 0.1 point: For, thankfully, not thinking about NIXON fucking!

Deduct 0.15 point:  Line that needs editing, mostly because it is good 
evidence of carelessness.  "We politicians be guilty of sexual 
harassment."  Something tells me some words are missing here...

Deduct .05 point:  Ending of second section was abrupt, may need 
reposting because it looks like some lines were cut off.  Please resend 
this part in whole to Eli and these points will be restored immediately.

ADD 0.1 point:  Reference to Bob Packwood (WHATTA last name) being in 
office at the time this story was written - which gives it a bit of 
historical reference.

ADD 0.1 point:  That paragraph concerning morality in the Middle Ages 
and how it applied to sexuality.  Not only are we talking a logical 
fallacy here, but the author has managed to get away with it by making 
the female comprehend it! Way cool!

ADD .05 point:  The line "An inch doesn't equal a ruler."  What a load 
of shit! And she buys it! What I'd give to be that naive again.

Deduct 0.2 point: She does *not* perform oral sex on him.

ADD 0.2 point: The story *works* without it!  And that's THAT!

By the way, in case you think Willy Clit-on is the only Leader Of The 
Free World who GOT nookie while in office, all I can say is COME THE 
FUCK ON! Take a read of this list:

* Chester A. Arthur, dubbed the handsomest man to be President,  "kept a 
whore on the premises" of the White House, according to no less a source 
than one Harry Truman.  "Back home, we called a fellow like that a 
widower with means," went the line from the script of "Give 'Em Hell, 
Harry"; although that statement may not be attributed directly to him, 
it is still a riot to read!

* Grover Cleveland, before becoming president (TWICE), fathered a kid 
out of wedlock (Ma, Ma, where's my Pa?/Gone to the White House, Ha Ha 
Ha) and then married his *ward* Frances Folsomin the only time a sitting 
President ever got married in the White House.

(although not scandalous but worth telling because it's a scream) * 
Woodrow Wilson, a widower before marrying Edith Boling Galt (who herself 
was a widow), had the lady to the White House one evening. The 
Washington Post said Wilson "spent the night entering Mrs. Galt."

* Warren Harding fathered a kid with his mistress, Nan Britton, in a 
closet at the White House (closet reportedly in the Oval Office - I 
gotta check that part out).

* Franklin Roosevelt died at Warm Springs, Georgia in the presence of 
his mistress, Lucy Mercer.

* Dwight Eisenhower, during WWII, was screwing his Jeep driver, Kay 
Summersby, who was in the British army at the time.

* John Kennedy. Enough said.

* Lyndon Johnson reportedly had another canary besides Lady Bird (and 
that chick had to see SOMETHING in that buzzard, man).

* Gerald Ford...nah, I'm from West Michigan, and he did too much without 
his goddamn football helmet on...

* Jimmy Carter lusted after women in his heart (PLAYBOY said so) and 
Roslyn, when last seen, was loadin' her scattergun in the peanut barn 
and looking around somewhat ferally...

* Nancy Davis was two months PREGNANT when she wed Ronald Reagan. 

* George Bush reportedly had extra Bush...NOT Busch, got that?

All this leads me to the one event that would confirm my worst and 
deepest fears, trash my citizenship and run for Canada:

Some asshole of a revisionist historian alleging Abraham Lincoln was a 
closet transvestite and George Washington was gay!

Ratings for "Clinton"
Mars:   9.95  (technical quality, especially in terms of linguistic
       weaponry)
Venus:  9.9 (quality and believability of plot and characters - 
      *major* bonus points for sheer outrageous, and delicious, 
      timing of release)
Melmac: 10 (appeal to reviewer and his faithful sidekick Alf, 
      who NEEDS this job)  

"Her Treatment" by Burnt Sienna (burntsienna@juno.com). Guest review by 
Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).

Darcy goes to the doctor, because even with her numerous sexual 
encounters she has discovered she can't cum.  And it's just not fair 
that all of her girlfriends can.  Nurse Candy and Darcy of course have 
huge tits.  The handsome Doctor with the raging boner decides that Darcy 
can't cum because she's never tasted men's cum.  Okay, what school did 
he come from?  Two quotes from the story:

"All her girl friends could cum.  They described for her in lewd detail 
how their pussies throbbed wildly and their titties tingled and their 
minds exploded when some stud humped his cock deep inside their cunts.  
It just wasn't fair that Darcy, with her bodacious body, couldn't cum 
too."

"We've cured seven women in the last year alone, women like you who had 
never had an orgasm.  Just by teaching them to accept a man's cum into 
their mouths.  Now they are leading happy, rewarding sexual lives."

There you go, gals.  To all women that haven't had an orgasm from the 
infamous cock banging away in your pussy - don't you know that YOU 
should be performing oral sex on HIM to do the trick!  Nurse Candy of 
course, is such a professional that she can cum just from tasting the 
Doctor's pre-cum.  Of course Darcy finds her lot in life, she cums three 
times just from swallowing the doctor's cum.  Yes, cock-sucking is the 
way to orgasm ladies!

For those that missed it - yes, that was sarcasm.  Oh, and there are 72 
occurrences of cum, pre- cum, and cumming in the story.  As a female 
reader, I just find the whole story just plain silly.  The idea of the 
story held lots of possibilities, but it just became a male fantasy 
piece (i.e., what women really need to do to have orgasms is give lots 
of head).  I'm not sure I'm being all that fair; perhaps a male reader 
might have given it better marks.

On the bright side, except for the naughty words, and one misspelled 
'condem' (which brought up condemn before condom!) the spell-check 
didn't pick out any horrible problems.  I often make the claim that I 
personally write stroke fiction: I have no real desire to write literary 
erotica.  However, if this is stroke fiction at it's finest - boy have I 
been writing the wrong kind of stuff!

Now, it's probably not that bad a story for stroke fiction.  If your 
idea of the perfect story is two large-breasted women kneeling on the 
floor, blowing the doctor while they orgasm from cock-sucking, you'll 
probably love it.  For me, all it left me thinking of was how many 
better stories could have come from this basic idea.

Ratings for "Her Treatment"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 5

"My Lust For Anna" by Hap E. Meal (singnfool2@aol.com).  Guest review by 
SandMan.  Story Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7763.txt

In this story I (the narrator) and you (the woman) masturbate for each 
other, whereby you cum violently and I manage to shoot all over you, 
myself, and the bed.  Next I lick your pussy until you have multiple 
orgasms.  By then I'm pretty much recovered and am able to have 
intercourse with you as  "I slowly slide myself into you."  After I 
ravish you, we make a little wager where "You begin to work me over by 
moving your hips in circles, as if you were doing a hula dance."

If the summary has not totally alienated you, then you probably fall 
within the target audience the Author has selected (predominately female 
and a few men who are just biding their time until they can correct that 
mistake).   This is fine. Writing to a well-defined audience is a good 
thing, as long as the audience knows who they are and when they don't 
belong.   I might note that it is often considered helpful if the author 
knows and understands his audience as well.

As a male, I am not qualified to say if the story works for its target 
audience or not.  I can say with absolute certainty that this story 
presents significant obstacles to its readers.  The majority of these 
obstacles lie in the complete lack of quotation marks.  This makes 
following the dialog tedious, confusing, and at times impossible.   

Beyond punctuation and grammar most readers will find a writing style 
that tends to interfere with their ability to suspend belief and become 
an active participant in the story.  This has nothing to do with point 
of view and audience selection, but everything to do with the selection 
of words, phrases and even the timing.  

This story, I believe, makes a Celestial point  good grammar can make a 
marginal story readable (if not enjoyable), while bad grammar can make a 
marginal story the subject of a bad review.   I'm paraphrasing, of 
course; I can't quote Celeste chapter and verse, at least not yet 
anyway.  As the story stands now I believe even the target audience 
would find this a difficult story to read and thus difficult to enjoy.

SandMan's Ratings for "My Lust for Anna"
Athena (technical quality): 2  - There are spaces between words
Venus (plot & character):  2   - There's sex but it's hard to get to.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): - Influenced by gender and Athena.

{Celestial note: I think the preceding review is generally accurate, but 
the ratings are too low.  There are two problems with this story, 
grammar and perspective.  Since the reviewer is a male, he had to fight 
both of these problems.  Being a female, I myself had to face only the 
problem of grammar.  What I am saying here basically confirms what the 
reviewer stated: good grammar can make a marginal story readable (if not 
enjoyable), while bad grammar can make a marginal story the target for a 
bad review.

In addition to the problems mentioned in the previous paragraph, this 
author also has the disconcerting habit of occasionally stating the 
opposite of what he meant to say.  For example, the author states that 
"I've never had orgasms more than 45 minutes apart."  The context 
clearly means he's never had two orgasms within 45 minutes. When a story 
combines bad grammar, a lousy perspective, and self-contradictory 
expression, you may wonder, "Why bother reading it?"  

The main reason is because there's actually a pretty good plot buried 
deep inside this mishmash.  I suspect the author actually knows what 
that plot is and thinks he has expressed it in this story.  I would 
wager that this author has not even read through the story once after he 
"finished" it.  He wrote the damned thing within 45 minutes - limiting 
himself to just two orgasms at the most - and then pushed the Send 
button.  Most people can't do that!  It's necessary to read and re-read 
a story before posting it.  It's usually best to have someone else read 
the story and offer feedback.  Had the author done this, he would have 
discovered that the story he wrote is simply not the story that was in 
his brain.

I would wager that with appropriate feedback from my proofreaders - 
which would include plot adjustments as well as grammar corrections - 
this could become a straight-10 story.

Celeste's Ratings for "My Lust for Anna"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character):  4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"The Long Weekend" by Skull Duggery.  Guest review by BillyG.

When I was a teenaged male who knew everything, my working definition of 
"kinky" was that practice I did (or wanted to) but wouldn't tell 
anybody.  Of course, a "perversion" was that which I would -never- do. I 
probably regarded those positions of mine as firm, a clear-cut line in 
the sand.  Funny, but as I began to broaden my scope of sexual 
acceptability, I didn't think I'd ever stepped over that line.  Perhaps 
nudged it a bit.  In some cases, yards.  How does that happen?  How do 
we come to change our boundaries?

"The Long Weekend," at least in the beginning, portrays how "nice girls" 
come to move their line in the sand, how they slip into practices that 
initially are regarded by most as kinky but soon take on an aura of 
understandability if not respectability.  The protagonists are two 
attractive, hirsute sisters on a camping trip who, as the story unfolds,  
come across as believable, even likable.  

Ladies, ever want to be natural, let your underarm hair grow, even 
regard it as a sign of your sexuality?  How about having your nipples 
pinched when you're horny and aroused?  The younger sister of our duo 
introduces these thoughts to her older sister in a surprisingly loving 
way.  

Ostensibly heterosexual, the thrust of this little story is largely 
same-sex adventures with a strong exploration of the role of pain in 
sexual arousal and gratification.  It's all loving and consensual with 
no violence or NC elements.

I am going to grade this story on the first of three chapters only, for 
it's clear that Chapter 1 - which comprises about one half of the story 
- is the long weekend.  The other two chapters are of the same sisters 
in some disconnected scenarios not really a part of the main story.  By 
confining the review in this fashion, I'm able to be much more positive 
about "The Long Weekend."

Ratings for "The Long Weekend"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (annoying dialog formatting)
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10 (First half of the story only)

"The Couch" by Myschief (reverendix@juno.com).  Guest review by DG.  
Story Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7346.txt

This story is only 700 words long, so I'll keep the review 
correspondingly brief.  "The Couch" consists of one simple scene:  a 
woman is watching an X-rated movie on her VCR and masturbating.  Nothing 
out of the ordinary happens - she enjoys the movie, brings herself to 
orgasm with her vibrator, and goes to bed.  The writing is competent and 
the woman's physical response is described in detail, but I really 
didn't respond to the story because there is no plot or context.  When I 
was sixteen, a description of a woman masturbating might have gotten me 
all hot and bothered: but at this point in my life it takes more than 
just the mechanics of human sexual response to hold my interest.  This 
scene would work quite well as part of a longer story, but it doesn't 
stand on its own.  

Ratings for "The Couch"
Athena (technical quality): 9  
Venus (plot & character): 4  
DG (appeal to reviewer): 6

"I Remember" by Louise (louise69@rocketmail.com).  Guest review by 
SandMan.  Story Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7256.txt

"I Remember" is a story about a girl's first sexual awakenings and first 
orgasm.  This story starts out very well written.  The build-up is 
interesting, and the author does a great job with the dialog, character 
history, and details.  The elements are all there for the reader to have 
a really, really good time.  

Unfortunately, just when the story gets erotic, the narration begins to 
break down.  Until this point the story has been smooth and very easy to 
read.  However, when the story moves from titillating to hot most 
readers will find a few key words are missing, wrong words are used 
(here for her), and sometimes sentences that simply don't work. This is 
enough to wrench the reader back into reality, yet this is the exact 
time the reader least wants that to happen.   It's like being in a 
really sexy sports car doing a hundred and twenty and then finding the 
road ahead is full of pot-holes.  

The scenery around the pot-holes, however, is breathtaking.  The rich 
imagery of a girl in the throes of masturbatory ecstasy  should be 
exciting enough for most readers.  Add to this the tender moments of a 
first-time exploration; then add a hint of incest and lesbian fantasy 
for a touch of the taboo, and you end up with a very evocative story.

Despite the problems, this is a good first story by a first-time author.  
I recommend you read it, enjoy it, and realize the best is probably 
still yet to come.   

Athena (technical quality): 8-- Needs a good proofreading.
Venus (plot & character):  9-- Naughty, vivid, and oh so nice.
Sandman(appeal to reviewer): 9-- From a biased male perspective.

* "A Rude Awakening" by Michael Dagley (dagley@soho.ios.com).    Story 
Link:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7878.txt

I really hate this story!  I sat down about 45 minutes ago to read a 
story while I ate lunch.  I had with me two ham sandwiches, a can of 
Diet Coke, and an 18-ounce bag of potato chips.  I would read "A Rude 
Awakening" for ten minutes while I ate lunch and then prepare my classes 
for the first week of the new school year.

I am now one chapter - 10,770 words and approximately 12 ounces of 
potato chips - into this story; and I can't stop.  My husband is not 
home; the kid across the street is mowing the lawn, sweating, his 
muscles glistening in the sunlight; Kathy Ireland is looking down at me 
from my husband's calendar with a cum-hither look that would give me 
blue balls if I had balls; and I have my classes to prepare for a new 
semester.  What's a girl to do?  I guess maybe I'll just read another 
chapter and see if this feeling goes away.

Well, I read TWO more chapters, at which time there was a lull in the 
action.  Then I fixed dinner and read four more chapters.  Then I had to 
wait for the author to post the rest of the story.  Frustration Station!

This story contains an amazing blend of voyeurism and direct sexual 
contact.  For example, at one point Joey is getting head from Mrs. C, 
who is insisting that he describe to her what he did with her daughter 
earlier that evening, while Joey is making direct eye contact with the 
daughter, who is safely hidden and masturbating behind the mother's 
back.  This is hot stuff.

I noticed the title words, "Rude Awakening," several times in the story.  
The first context stated that at the time of the story, (June of 1965) 
graduation from high school would be a rude awakening: war, racial 
strife, assassinations, drugs, and other problems.  Like many good 
titles, however, this one has more than one meaning.  The second time 
the phrase occurred was after Joey and Terri had made love; it was a 
rude awakening for Terri to discover the power of her sexuality.  The 
term pops up several other times in the story.  The most significant 
meaning of "rude awakening" is not specifically stated - just strongly 
implied.  The story begins with Joey an immature, sad, sexually-
repressed young man.  He takes no chances with girls and women, because 
he is afraid they will consider him to be rude.  His friend and lover 
Alice tells him he needs to risk being rude once in a while.  When the 
rudeness in him "awakens," he becomes a more mature, happy, sexually 
responsive person.  In fact, he becomes the neighborhood Lothario - a 
term which you can either look up in your Funk and Wagnalls or infer 
from the context of the story.  And then he discovers that he has lost 
something special - another rude awakening.

What do women really want?  Polite men or rude men?  The answer is that 
different women want different blends; and even the same woman may want 
a different emphasis at different times.  Also it depends on what you 
mean by "rude": in this story rude means that a guy does something that 
a girl will like, in spite of the fact that a social custom or the 
girl's inhibitions might oppose his action.  I myself have been known to 
use the phrase "Shut up and kiss me" - or an equivalent, more emphatic 
phrase, which would indicate a demand for less "politeness."  A very 
important moral to this story is that it is often necessary to take some 
risks in order to be happy.  A very wrong conclusion would be that the 
rudest asshole gets the girl - or the guy.

This author's greatest strength, I think, lies in his sense of timing.  
For example, he has the ability to make me think I'm witnessing two 
people getting hotter and hotter until they can't stand it any more; and 
I can almost feel it when they explode.  He seems to have an intuitive 
grasp of what to tell me and when to tell it to me in order to maintain 
my interest.  My husband has a similar ability, but he accomplishes this 
effect through direct access to my body parts.

The main "weakness" to this story is that at times the author seems to 
want to cram too much sex into it.  I have a theory about why the author 
has done this.  I suspect that he has contacted a publisher (whom I know 
and respect, but will not name in this review) about publishing a 
version of this story as a novel; and that the publisher insisted on 
more instances of explicit sex.  In fact, the publisher I am thinking of 
makes specific demands, such as (1) a wide variety of sex that is likely 
to be perceived as kinky, and (2) at least two separate instances of 
specific sex per chapter.  I know of at least one good author who has 
simply stopped writing erotic stories because he felt that these demands 
compromised his literary integrity.

I may be off the track in suggesting that the present author has 
"padded" his story with extra sex in order to appeal to a publisher.  I 
do know that there are several instances where the storyline seems to 
take an unnecessary turn that is unrelated to the overall plot.  
However, not too many readers are going to complain about "too much hot 
sex," and so I'll let these "digressions" slide.  What I do know is that 
I review another story ("Elizabeth & Anastasia" by Tom Bombadil) in this 
issue of CR that is every bit as good as this one: and that other story 
has about a snowball's chance in my pussy of ever getting published by 
that same publisher.  It's "too long on story" and "too short on real 
sex."  I think it's about time that that publisher (or some other 
publisher) made it clear that it IS OK to have hot sex in the context of 
a good story.  The world is ready for good stories that contain hot sex 
- without quotas and restrictions on what kind and how much explicit sex 
needs to be included in each chapter.  These stories don't need to 
appear on news stands in the supermarkets; but they should be available 
to mature adults who want more than a quick fix from their erotica.

As I reread the preceding paragraph, I realize I have overstated my 
case; but I think I'll leave it.  The present author HAS, in fact, done 
a commendable job of trying to deal with the full personality of the 
main character.  This is an excellent story.  In fact, if I would have 
found this story without knowing the author's name, I would have guessed 
that it was written by Delta, who made my Top 50 List of 1995 not once 
but four times.  That's one of the strongest compliments I can give to a 
story.

Ratings for "Rude Awakening"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


