Celestial Reviews 67 - Mar 6, 1996

Note:  I have begun using a new rating system, which gives each story 
three discrete* ratings.  (*See discussion of "discrete" in WORD USAGE 
at end of these Reviews.)  These are explained in more detail in my 
FAQ, but here is a summary.

Athena Rating.  This rating covers such matters as grammar, spelling, 
formatting, and creative use of the language.  A story with essentially 
no serious grammar, spelling, or usage problems will receive a rating 
of 8.  To get a rating of 9 or 10, the author will have to do something 
creative with the language.  

Venus Rating.  This rating describes such matters as plot and character 
development.  

Celeste Rating.  This rating describes how much I myself liked the 
story.  

On the summary line, I'll simply list these as three separate ratings: 
{"Name of Story" by Author (topic) 8, 10, 8}

Second Note:  Some exciting things are happening with regard to making 
good stories more widely available.  I have already mentioned in past 
issues of CR that some people are setting up Web sites for my reviews 
and lists and for the stories contained in them.  Another important 
development is that someone is trying to rejuvenate the Louvre.  In 
addition, there is now a Deirdre home page, a Robot Sex home page, and 
a DarkNites home page.  If you have a home page for your own stories or 
for those which you have gathered and want to make this information 
public, please give me the appropriate information.  A week from now 
I'll try to post a complete list of all such resources.  I'll try to 
keep it free of ripoff sites that are trying to make a profit or to 
distribute stories to people who should not be receiving them.  All I 
want are sites that archive or disseminate stories of quality 
comparable to those that commonly receive good ratings in Celestial 
Reviews.  Even if you think I already know about your service, please 
send me a brief note along with the correct address.

- Celeste

      "The Horny Librarian" by Unknown Author (sex in
            the library) 8, 8, 8
      "Adult Bookstore" by Unknown Author (orgy & spouse
            watching) 6, 5, 3
      "Your first 3way" by Pete Ferrer (three-way sex) 3, 3, 1
      "Novice" by Wollstonecraft (sex in the convent) 10, 10, 
            10
      "The Fast" by Delta (masturbation & fantasy)10, 9, 9
      "French Kiss II" by Mark Aster (orgy in a ski lodge) 10, 10,
            10
      "The Present" by Grid (bondage games) 10, 9, 4

"The Horny Librarian" by Unknown Author.  Librarians have a special 
place in my heart.  This is partly because they are a misunderstood 
minority, much like English teachers - but usually older and less 
attractive.  However, my special kinship had its origin at a time 
shortly after our second daughter was born.  My husband was doing 
advanced studies, and I had accompanied him to the university library.  
There was an attractive young college student working at the main desk, 
and we were seated at an isolated table away from everyone else, as the 
library emptied that evening.  After about an hour of serious study, I 
felt my husband's hand on my thigh under the table, and he whispered in 
a low voice what he would like to do to the young lady at the desk.  I 
told him to shut up and show me, and while he brought me to a gentle 
orgasm, I responded by gently caressing his cock through his pants.  

My husband deliberately dropped his pencil and obviously wanted me to 
go under the table to retrieve it and to perform another service while 
I was down there, but I wasn't interested in getting arrested for 
indecent exposure.  To help overcome his obvious disappointment, I 
managed to unzip his fly and began quietly describing to him what the 
girl at the desk would like to do to his cock.  He gazed straight at 
her all the while I secretly played his pipe organ.  I continued to 
caress his joystick, making my fingers feel as much as possible like 
her lips, and to describe her hypothetical activities, until he shot 
his load into my hand.  I caught what I could and brought my hand to my 
mouth and licked it clean, while he continued to bring me to the 
completion of my own orgasm.  

We managed to do all this without arousing the attention of anyone - or 
so we thought.  When we left the library fifteen minutes later, we 
stopped to check out some books.  When the young lady returned my 
library card to me, she smiled very nicely and said, "It's really great 
to see older people who are so much in love."  As she handed me back my 
library card, she casually brought her hand close to my face.  I was 
struck by the obvious fragrance of her feminine juices on her hand.  We 
made love once in the car and once more at home that night.  I often 
saw that assistant librarian around the campus, but I never discussed 
the matter with her any further.  However, as I said, I have a warm 
spot in my heart for librarians.

Ooops!  This is a review, not a story.  Ignore those previous three 
paragraphs.  In the present story Laura Weber is a smalltown librarian 
whose husband has passed away and left her with four teenage children.  
Although she's a tiger inside, she feels compelled to put on a proper 
exterior in order to maintain the respect of the community and keep her 
job.  As luck would have it, just when she's about ready to explode 
from pent-up lust, she comes across a young lad jerking off in the 
stacks around closing time, while he is looking at the engravings in a 
tome of either anthropological or artistic interest.  Motivated both by 
her own lust and by a desire to avoid doing anything that might make 
the poor lad dislike the library, she exposes the boy - literally.  
They have mutually pleasurable oral sex; and as the story ends, it 
seems likely that David will not develop a pathological avoidance of 
libraries or reading.

Of course, librarians should not give blowjobs to kids in the stacks; 
but I suspect that more than one young man has fantasized having this 
happen.  Although this story is written from the perspective of the 
librarian, I suspect it was written by a grown-up David, who had 
rehearsed this plot on many an occasion while he searched for naked 
breasts in National Geographic and wished that the librarian would put 
her lips in a slightly more intimate location when she sushed him.

Ratings for "The Horny Librarian" 
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Adult Bookstore" by Unknown Author.  Adults don't actually do a lot of 
reading in adult bookstores.  I occasionally visit such establishments 
- always when I am out of town for a convention, since if I am in town 
I am likely to be seen by a parent of one of my students.  These are 
interesting places.  Usually the center of attention is a display of 
magazines that looks much like the rack in a typical supermarket.  
Standing in front of the display, there are invariably a large number 
of dirty old men, some of them actually wearing opened overcoats.  They 
spend their time avoiding eye contact with one another, while they pick 
up and put down the various magazines, acting like they are putting a 
lot of thought into their purchase.  To minimize abuse of the 
merchandise, most of the "really good" magazines are wrapped in clear 
plastic.

As I suggest in my FAQ, I have no interest in picking up men in sleazy 
establishments when I am away from home.  I just feel I have a 
constitutional right to read what I want to read, and some of these 
places do have some interesting reading material.  And besides, the 
effect of a woman on such a group is interesting.  I enjoy walking up 
to the rack and asking one of the guys who is not looking at me, "Is 
that a good one?"  I have encountered only two basic reactions: (1) 
Most of them mumble something and walk away as quickly as possible - 
probably because I remind them of their mothers.  (2) Some of them try 
to flirt with me.  I politely thank the men in this second category for 
their attention but tell them that I have to hurry to be on time for 
the karate class that my husband and I are taking together that evening 
after he gets finished with target practice down at the police range.

In addition, these stores are full of discount books that have their 
covers ripped off.  I used to buy these books so that I'd have 
something to masturbate with back in the hotel room; but in more recent 
days I just bring along a diskful of a.s.s. stories to read on my 
laptop computer.  The best of these stories are comparable to good 
a.s.s. stories.

Finally, these stories also offer numerous sex toys and peep shows.  
The latter offer viewers an opportunity to view segments of videos for 
a twenty-five cents.  The peep show booths look genuinely sleazy, and I 
have never patronized them.  They look and smell like people probably 
do in them what the author of this story says they do.  

Which brings us to this story.  A man takes his wife to an 
establishment like those I have described.  They head straight for the 
peep shows, and they quickly get aroused.  While she is fucking her 
husband, she becomes aware that the sides of the booth are full of 
peepholes.  She also discovers (a) that things other than eyes can be 
placed against these holes and that is is possible to suck on and 
extract fluids from objects stuck through these apertures, and (2) that 
more than two persons can fit into a single booth and perform fairly 
athletic activities.

This is all kind of interesting (from a perspective of cultural 
anthropology, of course), but the plot and character development is 
more on a level with the movies typically shown in the peep shows than 
with the stories were have grown accustomed to on this newsgroup.

Ratings for "Adult Bookstore" 
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Your first 3way" by Pete Ferrer (ferrer@ix.netcom.com).  The author 
stated in his disclaimer that this was his first post and that he was 
looking for comments, especially from women.  I qualify for that 
purpose.  My reaction is that I wonder why a person would bother to 
post this.  It is really badly written.  Even in it's nearly illiterate 
format, of course, it may be of interest to one specific person with 
whom he originally shared these feelings or fantasies.  I do not by any 
means want to suggest that people who can express themselves clearly 
are better persons than those who can express themselves only 
awkwardly.  The writer of this story may be a great lay and a romantic 
person. For all I know, he may be a fine carpenter who did not graduate 
from elementary school, or a bank president who feels arrogantly 
superior to everyone else and doesn't feel a need to follow simple 
rules of logic and grammar.  But unless he has skills that he doesn't 
display here, he's not a writer.  This author has to be not thinking at 
all if he imagines that someone who's not already in on his secret 
would care about this story.  I've seen worse, but I don't understand 
why a person would want to subject himself to public embarrassment by 
posting something this poorly written.  There is an erotic idea behind 
this story, but such ideas are a lot easier to find in other stories 
posted on this newsgroup.  

Ratings for "Your first 3way" 
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"Novice" by Wollstonecraft (an285729@anon.penet.fi ).  The events in 
this story probably didn't really happen.  If they did, we surely would 
have seen the participants on Donahue or one of the other talk shows by 
now.  Actually, there's a good chance that this was written under a 
pseudonym by Donahue himself, to get even with those nuns for swatting 
his cute little ass when he talked during mass as a child.

Anyway, the novice (a young woman aspiring to become a nun) looks out 
the window of her convent one evening and sees a young, wretched, 
homeless lad shivering on the ground.  What can she do?  Her charity 
demands that she invite him inside (through the window, of course).  
But alas, sleeping on the cold floor would hardly be better than 
sleeping on the ground and there's only one bed.  Charity would demand 
sharing the bed.  But double alas, his tattered clothes would soil the 
bed sheets; and so - cleanliness being next to godliness (more 
literally than usual, in this case) - she invites the young man into 
her bed clad only in a humble gown that she bestows on him.  
Recognizing that this might be a source of temptation, she cautiously 
enjoins him to be chaste.  The good lad replies thus: "I would not 
press an unholy advantage as a result of your compassion, Sister, nor 
would I be so foolish as to risk the wrath of the Lord by despoiling 
His servant's perfect offering."

Ah, 'tis the life of a saint we have described here - albeit a saint 
whose grasp of both theology and sexual reproduction seriously sucks.  
Will the young novice remain firm in her commitment to all that is holy 
or will the pull of the flesh impinge upon her cloistered life?  This 
sounds a lot like "The Sound of Music", doesn't it?  I don't want to 
reveal too much of the plot to you; there may be a few events in it 
that you haven't guessed yet.  I enjoyed this story very much.  It's 
almost as if Geoffrey Chaucer has returned through cyberspace with a 
modern version of "The Nun's Tale."

Of course, real nuns don't really do things like this; they're almost 
as straight as English teachers and librarians - but less likely to be 
offended by this story, since they seldom surf a.s.s.. The falsehoods 
in this story probably originate in this author's primordial urge to 
wreak vengeance upon his childhood teachers, who possibly caught him 
masturbating during music class and made him stop or used the more 
common ploy of telling him that jerking his gherkin would make his 
voice get high and he'd have to sing with the girls.  This story is 
filled with raw passion, but it lacks some elements of authenticity 
that would make it fully believable.  For one thing, I happen to know 
that first vespers do not occur in convents at the time of day when 
they do in this story.  And besides, if people did do things like this, 
someone sure as hell would be struck dead by lightning.  Or something.

Ratings for "Novice" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Fast" by Delta (an248969@anon.penet.fi).  Kerri enjoys 
masturbating; but to prove to herself that she is not obsessed or 
addicted to the activity, she vows to herself that she will refrain 
from her solitary enjoyment for two weeks.  It's an interesting idea.  
Would such an abstemious regimen enable Kerri to come away with 
monastic insights about the superiority of her soul over her body?  
What sort of things would she think about when she encountered those 
situations that would normally encourage her to bring herself to 
climax?  Could she actually hold out for two whole weeks; and if so, 
what would she do when the fast was over?  Just for the record, at the 
very beginning I resolved not to masturbate or to have an orgasm for at 
least four hours after I finished this story, and I was easily 
successful. Student essays make some things easy for English teachers.

Ratings for "The Fast" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"French Kiss II" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  Here we have 
another of those improbable stories about the Allen Sisters.  The hero 
(whose name we never learn) is a veritable stud - a wonderful guy who 
is constantly willing to service any beautiful woman who shows 
interest.  Pat and Julie are incredibly attractive and sexually skilled 
creatures whose kindness to the males of the species is exceeded only 
by their tenderness to each other.  In this specific story, we have the 
lovely Daphne, a brown-skinned French woman whose beauty makes the 
Allen Sisters look drab by contrast but who lacks the sexual 
sophistication that the Girls so readily display. Daphne appeared 
previously in French Kiss I, where she fucked Our Hero's brains out 
after watching through a peep hole while Julie and Pat exchanged 
affections in the adjacent hotel room.

Against this improbably background we might expect that another French 
Kiss story would become boring.  I mean, who really wants to read 
another buckets of cum story about three energetic people who help this 
sexy French woman expand her sexual horizons in a hotel set in a 
mountain paradise?  C'est moi!  I honestly do think this kind of story 
could get boring; but the author's use of the language enables me to 
get a clear picture of what's happening and maintains a sexual tension 
that makes me want to keep reading.  Oui!  Eh bien!

Ratings for "French Kiss II" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Present" by Grid  (an475731@anon.penet.fi).  Bill is one of those 
guys who are hard to shop for because they have everything; and so for 
his birthday Kelly gives him the best present ever - herself as his 
slave for as long as he wants her.  Along with the gift of her self 
comes a large chest full of bondage toys.  After Kelly presents herself 
to him, they go shopping (with Kelly secretly in restraints) before the 
real festivities begin; and Bill purchases a roll of duct tape, another 
roll of clear packing tape, a small pair of scissors, a men's safety 
razor, a can of shaving cream, a turkey baster, and a large stainless 
steel stirring whisk. By noting that they did not purchase a salami, 
any vegetables, or pop tarts, you can probably predict the general gist 
of the rest of the story.

As I have said repeatedly in these reviews, I myself do not get turned 
on by the idea of becoming someone's sex slave.  I think mutual respect 
is an extremely important part of a relationship, and I simply do not 
see how I could respect a person who would enjoy inflicting pain on me.  
However, I think people who like to fantasize about this sex slavery 
motif would enjoy this story.  It presents numerous creative 
situations.  One strong point of the story is that they emphatically 
used the "safe word," a word that the submissive person could say at 
any time to indicate that the dominant person was inflicting too much 
pain and should stop.  In this case the safe word was "Exon" - a word 
that Kelly would not be likely to say by accident.

Last week I was at a bar (actually a pizza parlor) with some of my 
friends after we played volleyball.  The Montel Williams show came on 
the TV screen, and the guest was a woman who had had her husband 
arrested and convicted of domestic abuse and now wanted to get him 
released from prison.  The husband and wife had engaged in sexual 
bondage games like those described in the present story; and she 
claimed that she had been frightened that he would take their child 
away (or something like that), and so she went to the police with 
evidence of domestic abuse - which was easy to obtain, since he did in 
fact torture her.  (I may have some of this wrong, because not everyone 
sits silently when Montel comes on the TV in our pizza palace.)  

Anyway, I just sat there listening to this woman and man talk about 
their sex games, and I saw nothing unusual about their descriptions.  
Hell, I've survived Deirdre!  What amazed me was that neither Montel 
nor the person who claimed to be a psychiatrist on the show nor members 
of the audience believed that there were any sane people in the world 
would do things like that in the name of love or sexual fun.  When one 
of my friends scoffed, I commented that "actually, lots of normal 
people fantasize about things like that and even do it in their real 
life."  I further mentioned that the sensible ones used a "safe word" 
to stop the action in an emergency.  My friends guffawed; but to their 
dismay the woman told Montel that her safe word was "green."  I started 
getting really strange looks from my friends, and was in danger of 
either blowing my cover or being classified as a sex pervert.  So I 
told them that I had read about it in a back issue of Cosmopolitan.

I had a point when I started relating this anecdote, but I forgot what 
it was.  Since the preceding two paragraphs look interesting, however, 
I think I'll leave them here.

Ratings for "The Present" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

STRANGE POSTINGS ON A.S.S..  I downloaded three unusual articles this 
week.  One was a plaintive cry from a person purporting to be a high 
school girl in need of a good man.  This was the best of the three!  
The second was a "Get Rich Quick" offer; and since I have plenty of 
free time and little money, I perused it carefully.  As I understand 
it, I can easily earn $25,000 by simply sending a dollar to the person 
whose name appears at the top of the list.  I put my name at the top of 
the list and forwarded this message to my senator, suggesting that he 
use this method to pay off government debts.  His reply, I'm sure, will 
tell me that the government is already using a method very much like 
this.

The third was a brief but "objective" description of why Blacks are the 
way they are {apparently because they fell off the evolutionary 
ladder}.  I never want to grace this crap with any attention, and so I 
am burying this comment away in a recess of my Reviews where only 
scholars or other social parasites are likely to see it.  What I find 
amazing is that these idiots typically purport to be part of an 
intellectual elite.  Then people like this elitist (who cleverly calls 
himself Phuoc Kieu at Kieu@Viet.com) give their articles really 
esoteric titles - in this case "Facts Based On Theory Of Evolution:  
Why Negroes Are an Inferior Race."  It apparently evades Mr. Kieu's 
intellect that "facts" by their very nature are never based on theories 
- theories are based on facts.  Then he ignores Occam's razor 
completely when he asserts that personality and intellectual deficits 
that obviously emerged in his own family within only one or two 
generations (such as being "barbaric, wild, disorderly, short tempered, 
ill disciplined, murderous, incestuous, unmotivated, lazy, and on and 
on and on") would occur in a whole race because its members were "a few 
thousand, maybe million years short of evolving into a 'full human' 
status."  I don't know why they post this stuff on a.s.s. - except 
maybe to make us sex perverts look intelligent by contrast!

CELESTIAL WORD USAGE:  A lot of readers enjoy my discussions of word 
usage, and so here are two words for this week.  I should point out 
that lots of people mess up on the words discussed here; so I'm not 
saying that you're an idiot if you use these words incorrectly.  But we 
want perfection on this newsgroup!

WAIVER/WAVER.  "Waiver" is actually a noun, related to the verb 
"waive," which means to relinquish - as when the best man waives his 
right to fuck the bride right after the wedding.  The word "waiver" 
often occurs on the sports page, when a baseball team, for example, 
seeks waivers in to be permitted to trade a player to one team when 
another would have prior claim.  In the story where I found this, a 
young lad's "thoughts mainly waivered around sex."  How would this go?  
"Sure, I'd like a piece of ass from her.  She's been eyeing me all 
evening.  But, no - you go ahead; I'll waive my rights on this one."  
The author meant "waver."

DISCRETE/DISCREET.  I'm getting a little impatient here.  If there's 
one thing I want to get across to you people, it's the difference 
between these two words.  Haven't any of you studied discrete 
mathematics?  Do you think there's something judicious or circumspect 
about that branch of mathematics?  Actually, maybe you did.  As I 
recall, it sounded a lot easier than calculus, and so maybe it would be 
discreet to enroll in that kind of course.  

One more time....  DISCRETE means "not continuous" or "capable of being 
separated into segments."  DISCREET means "judicious or circumspect."

"I looked at her body discretely."  This would mean that the observer 
first took a close look at her head, then shifted distinctly to her 
breasts, then to her feet - or something like that.  This should be 
"discreetly."

One author said that a one of his characters spotted a woman in a bar and then 
"courted her discretely for the next half hour." This usage could make sense - 
but only if it occurred in a TG story: first he courted the male personality, 
then the female, etc.

Likewise, if he *fucked* her discretely, that could mean vaginal sex <pause> 
oral sex <pause> anal sex <end of session>.

Indeed, in gang bang stories it would be eminently sensible to be discrete by 
getting one of the participants out of the way before the next entered the 
lair of Venus.

Of course, in pedophile stories it would be important to be discrete about 
sexual activities, especially if the guy is humping both the mother and the 
10-year-old daughter of the county judge.  Depending on what that last 
sentence really means, it might be best to be discreet about being discrete.

