Celestial Reviews 178 - May 2, 1997

Note: Back in CR 174 I raised a question regarding the propriety of and 
desirability of some of my reviews.  First, let me deal with a question 
of netiquette.  Someone pointed out that it was somehow rude for me to 
have quoted verbatim part of the message from the person who raised the 
issue.  I personally don't see how this sort of citation can be 
perceived as a breach of etiquette.  The writer had raised an issue, and 
I wanted input from readers.  I did not mention his/her name, and I even 
stated that the writer seemed to have a genuine concern.  I did not 
intend to cause personal embarrassment for this correspondent; and as 
far as I can see, I could not possibly have caused any.

This person's comments and input from a few other readers have led me to 
change my review policy slightly.  If any author ever requests that I 
NOT review his/her story, I'll probably honor that request.  In fact, I 
believe the person who sent me the original e-mail message has 
subsequently posted other stories, and I have deliberately refrained 
from reviewing them.

The overall feedback is that authors usually like to have someone review 
their stories and that my reviews are often more useful to both authors 
and readers than many other forms of feedback available on a.s.s.  
Indeed, since I posted that message I have been overwhelmed with 
requests from authors to review their stories.

I am aware that my "reviews" are in a strict sense often more than mere 
reviews.  Sometimes they are critical essays; sometimes the reviews 
contain short stories; and sometimes they are something else that may be 
hard to define.  I write these reviews because I have fun doing so and 
because I get the distinct impression that my reviews help bring a 
little joy and insight into the lives of a lot of people.  While I 
appreciate the kind words that many people have recently written to me 
or to the newsproup, I had no intention of starting any sort of 
hostilities over my reviews.

Please note that there is a rationale behind the three-part ratings plus 
narrative critique that comprise each review.  I give separate ratings 
to (1) style, (2) story line, and (3) my enjoyment for a good reason: 
these ratings convey distinct sets of information, and readers/authors 
can use them accordingly.  For example, if I don't like an otherwise 
well-written story very much and hence rate it 10,10, 5, a sensible 
person whose tastes are different from mine might have reason to believe 
that this is an excellent story for his/her tastes.  Or the author might 
consider this to be evidence that he/she has written a good story that 
did not happen to appeal to my tastes.  I suppose there could be a 
better system, but I developed this one based on feedback from a 
correspondent, and it seems to work pretty well.

The narrative part of the "reviews" is designed to entertain readers, to 
reinforce authors for their effort or to give them feedback, and 
sometimes to discuss my insights about topics that arise in a story.  
Although I say I don't write stories of my own, it's obvious to me that 
some parts of these reviews are actually stories.  I have tried to 
develop a relationship with my readers and authors and to encourage them 
to develop a relationship with one another.  I think this has happened, 
and it thrills me to be a part of this process.

Second Note: Some of my students have been participating in a 
competition that requires them to have a thorough understanding of 
Wuthering Heights.  Last week one of them said to me, "This is stupid.  
In real life Heathcliffe would make Isabella into a sex slave and flaunt 
this fact in her brother's face."  That's actually a pretty shrewd 
analysis.  My favorite comment, however, was this one: "Wuthering 
Heights is just like a soap opera, only the people on the soaps have 
more depth of character."  At least these kids are thinking!

Third Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Forks" by Uther Pendragon(romance & marriage) 10, 10, 10
      "Hard Candy" by Dafney DeWitt (pseudo mind control) 
      "My New Stepsister" by Anonymous (emerging adolescence) 
            9, 9, 9
      "In the Next Room/Director's Cut Version" by MrSpraycan
            (art museum sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Romancing the Stone" by S.L. Jarva (magical sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Teasers 2" by Vickie Tern (short subjects) 10, 10, 10

    * "Change of Pace" by  Mike Allegretto and Caitlin B. (sci fi TG)
            8, 10, 10
    * "Vials" by Uther Pendragon (pseudo mind control) 
            10, 9.5, 10
    * "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!" by MrSpraycan (sexual humor)
            9, 9, 9
    * "Mayberry" by Richard Dale.(sitcom parody) 9, 10, 10

* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has 
      recently been reposted)


"Forks" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  Since this is a story by 
Uther Pendragon that begins with "For...", we know that it is about a 
married couple named Bob and Jeanette Brennan.  In this continuation of 
their saga we find them arguing over petty things.  The argument is very 
realistic.  These people sound like my husband when he doesn't quite 
have his head on straight and he starts picking on me for little things.  
In fact, for a while the story started to be a bit of drag, as these two 
people with head colds continued to bitch at each other over the dumbest 
things.  But then they made up.  Have you ever noticed that in real life 
it's almost worthwhile to have petty arguments just because of the great 
sex you can have to make up afterwards?

Incidentally, the title refers to the concept that a place setting 
should always include a fork, whether the people who are dining will 
need one or not.  That's something worth arguing over as the basis of a 
permanent marital relationship.

Ratings for "Forks"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"My New Stepsister" by Anonymous.  The young boy's mother remarries, and 
(as the title indicates) therefore the narrator inherits a new 
stepsister, who is more knowledgeable than he about sexual matters.  A 
favorite memory of his childhood is the "game" he used to play with his 
stepsister, when they would cuddle up and she would go to sleep and he 
would explore her body.  Not only did he get turned on, but she also had 
some major orgasms in her sleep; and in retrospect the narrator has 
begun to wonder whether she really was asleep all those times.

Ratings for "My New Stepsister"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"In the Next Room/Director's Cut Version" by MrSpraycan 
(mrspraycan.an@edtec.com).  The author of this story claims to be waging 
a "One Man Campaign For Intelligent Filth." Here he asks us to believe 
that there are slutty people in New York who are willing to engage in 
sex in a public museum.  Hmmm... I guess I can accept that premise.  At 
least it's fun to think about people engaging in bizarre sexual 
activities in the display rooms and restrooms of the Metropolitan Museum 
of Art.  This is a well-written, creative story.

I have seen this name often in the postings, but the only other story I 
have reviewed by this author is "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!"  I'll 
repost that review, and maybe the author will repost the story.  He has 
a web site at http://www.SineWave.com/spraycan.

Ratings for "In the Next Room"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Romancing the Stone" by S.L. Jarva (LadyScribe@aol.com).  A woman can 
never really have romantic sex with a statue, can she? Never say never.  
We have mythological precedent in the story of Galatea. a statue loved 
by Pygmalion, CEO of Cyprus, who prayed to Aphrodite, CEO of love, that 
the statue might be given life. His prayer was answered, and Pygmalion 
and Galatea fucked their mutual brains out, although both Bullfinch and 
George Bernard Shaw tell a tamer version of this story.  In the present 
story the statue sports an erection in the middle of the night, and the 
narrator impales herself on it - to their mutual interpersonal 
gratification.  It's a nice story!

Ratings for "In the Next Room"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Teasers 2" by Vickie Tern(VickieTern@aol.com).  I first met Robert 
Browning under the sterile tutelage of a nun whom I shall refer to as 
Sister Mary Poetry.  I was shocked that semester by the comment of one 
of my classmates who said that what SMP really needed was to get laid.  
I met her at a subsequent class reunion and discovered that several 
years after I graduated, Sister left the convent and did indeed get laid 
- probably more often and with richer variety than almost anyone we have 
read about on a.s.s.  However, by the time of our reunion, she had a 
Ph.D. in English, was a Little League mother driving a station wagon, 
and was happily married to her third husband.

Anyway, under her instruction I discovered that Robert Browning was 
boring as hell, and I could not understand what Elizabeth Barrett saw in 
him that would make her want to count the ways she loved him.  Then in 
college I had an English prof who read "My Last Duchess" out loud to me 
correctly, and I discovered that it was a magnificent but concise 
revelation of the character of the person who was describing his 
previous wife in that poem.  All of this has nothing to do with the 
present set of "teasers," except that some of them reminded me strongly 
of Browning's poetry.  That is, I thought at first that I was reading a 
really simple description, and then suddenly I realized I was reading 
about something a lot different and substantially more shocking than had 
been my original impression.

This author does something similar with this set of "teasers."  They 
vary greatly in quality and in subject matter, but they generally have a 
narrator telling a story in which a sudden twist occurs that left me 
with a completely different impression than I thought I was going to get 
from the story.

I like these teasers.  I like them so much that I am going to proclaim 
the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest.  The rules are that the 
story must in some way be about sex and must be restricted to 500 words 
or less.  In addition, the story should include some sort of unusual 
twist - like the unexpected self-revelation in "My Last Duchess" or the 
suprise endings in several of Vickie Tern's or Deirdre's stories.  If 
you wish, you can submit several super-short stories together (as this 
author has now done on two occasions), or you can post them separately 
under separate titles.  However, I'll give first prize to the best 
STORY, not to the best collection.  The deadline for submissions will be 
June 3, which my calendar tells me is the date on which the Catholic 
Church will celebrate the feast of St. Charles Lwanga and his 
companions.

Ratings for "Teasers 2"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Mad About You" by Frost (THC Archives).  Although I have listed this as 
a sitcom parody, that description is slightly inaccurate.  A good parody 
(like those of "Seinfeld" which I have reviewed in the past couple of 
issues and "Mayberry" which is reviewed later in this issue) runs 
parallel to and pokes fun at the show which it satirizes.  On the other 
hand, in the present story the author takes the main characters from the 
"Mad About You" television story and puts them into a lengthy story that 
is really not at all parallel to the sitcom format.  Nevertheless, the 
resulting pastiche is an interesting story. Paul and Jamie have 
discovered that their love life has lost some of its spark.  Paul treats 
Jamie rather roughly during a sexual encounter, and they both are 
surprised at how much they enjoy it.  Pretty soon they really get into 
some bondage and submission routines that they really enjoy.

I have often criticized D&s or bondage stories because they assume 
without evidence that a "normal" person being subjected to harsh 
treatment is likely to enjoy various sorts of degradation.  This author 
at least raises the question, letting us see that Jamie and Paul are 
concerned about their enjoyment of apparently rough sex and are still 
legitimately in love with each other.  As I read the story I personally 
was not convinced that this kind of activity would be immensely 
enjoyable to me, but I could at least see the point in it, and I did 
find the descriptions in most cases to be quite sexy.  It was a good 
presentation of a point of view that differs somewhat from my own.

Ratings for "Mad About You"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Change of Pace" by  Mike Allegretto and Caitlin B. 
(caitlinb@concentric.net).  Jack is a bit of a rationalist: he doesn't 
believe in magick.  But his mother is a white witch, which means that 
she can cast benevolent and humorous spells, like Samantha used to do on 
"Bewitched."  So she changes Jack into a person who looks just like 
Agent Scully from the "X-Files."  Actually, the transformation process 
continues in several steps in 15 minute intervals until he becomes 
totally female, but Mom doesn't tell him exactly what these steps are.  
In addition, there are several other rules that are explained in the 
story.

Since the change will be temporary (unless he requests that it be 
permanent), Jack decides to play along, to enjoy it, and to make mental 
notes that he can enjoy later.  After all, he has lusted after the 
Scully character for a long time, and soon he will be encapsulated 
inside her body!  There are several additional interesting twists and 
turns in this story.

Chapters 1-3 were written some time ago by Mike Allegretto, and  
Chapters 4-6 were drafted by Caitlin B., and finished by Caitlin B. 
after feedback from Mike Allegretto.  The two halves don't match up 
perfectly (the pace of the second half is different from that of the 
first, and the first three chapters develop at a more leisurely pace 
than the last three), and some proofreading would have been in order; 
but it's still a pretty good collaboration.

Ratings for "Change of Pace"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Vials" by Uther Pendragon (nobody@flame.alias.net).  The guy has 
failed to get past first base with the girl.  Then he happens to meet a 
guy who will sell him an aphrodisiac - not magic, mind you - just a 
little something that will lower a woman's inhibitions and encourage her 
to do what she really wants to do with a rich, handsome guy.  And to top 
it off, the salesman is willing to let him try one vial of the 
aphrodasiac for free, provided that he agrees to purchase the remaining 
19 vials for $5000 if the sample works.  It works like a charm; and the 
guy is only too eager to gobble up the other 19.  And then there's the 
surprise ending.

Ratings for "Vials"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!" by MrSpraycan 
(mrspraycan.an@edtec.com). Bertie Wooster and Jeeves are characters in a 
series of books by the British humorist P.G. Wodehouse. I first read 
Wodehouse many years ago in a bad English class in college, and I had 
forgotten about him until an Unknown Author posted a couple of stories 
about a person named Bertram and his valet Cheeves.  I liked those 
stories a lot and received encouragement from some British readers to 
read some Bertie and Jeeves stories.  I did so, and I found them to be 
delightful.

In the original Wodehouse stories Bertie Wooster is a member of the 
British ruling class who is totally jobless and clueless, but lives the 
quaint, insipid life of the British aristocracy. Jeeves is his valet, or 
a gentleman's gentleman, as Bertie refers to him. Bertie gets into 
trouble, usually involving women (mostly his aunts) and Jeeves saves him 
from various fates worse than death. That is the standard plot.  The 
literati from the Motherland will already know this, but we Colonials 
would be clueless as a crown prince without this commentary.

The earlier Bertram stories were very much in the style of Wodehouse.  
For example, "Bertram I" was an adventure with Aunt Agnes, in which he 
successfully utilized the one-man band technique on her pussy and 
asshole, followed by a vigorous double-holing with the assistance of the 
sainted Cheeves.  In "Bertram II" the chap was again summoned to his 
Aunt Agnes's house on the occasion of his cousin Wilhelmina's 21st 
birthday.  "Cheeves!" exclaims Bertram,  "this is a disaster!  Whatever 
shall I give her?"  What indeed! As usual, Cheeves is happy to be of 
service.  If someone would like to repost these two earlier stories, I'm 
sure readers would appreciate it.

The present story is not quite as good a parody of Wodehouse, but it's 
still a good story.  The setting shifts from bygone days to contemporary 
times, with Bertie being hunted down by a stripper and his dance 
partner, a muscular black gentlemen who carries an AK47 and who Bertie 
seems to have sodomized in the course of a playful strip show.  This is 
the first of a multipart series that looks like it's going to be pretty 
good.

Ratings for "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Mayberry" by Richard Dale.  The THC Archive has recently reposted 
four chapters of this parody of "Andy of Mayberry."  In the first 
chapter, Sheriff Andy Taylor makes it in the squad car with his 
insatiable girlfriend Helen, who is "just about the finest piece of ass 
this side of Pumpkin Center!  It shorely brings a smahl to my face, yes 
it duz."  In later chapters, we can read about other characters from the 
series engaging in sexual acrobatics.  We even discover that Aunt Bea's 
friend Clara is the town exhibitionist.  The sex isn't as hot in these 
stories as in the Home Improvement series, but I think the author does a 
more clever job of relating the stories to the original television 
series.  The metaphors even sound like the ones Andy and the gang would 
have used themselves: "It felt like he shot enough {cum} to fill up a 
box of night crawlers -- the double-size box of the big juicy kind that 
Goober sold down to the gas station." However, we never do find out why 
a nice guy like Andy would name his son Opie.

Ratings for "Mayberry"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


