Celestial Reviews 24 - Sept 30, 1995

Note:  I have received two entries so far in the First Annual Celestial 
Writing Contest.  As you may recall, I reviewed a story in which a locksmith 
responded to his beeper and a woman answered the phone: "Are you the 
locksmith? Oh! Thank God! My friend has been handcuffed, and we don't have the 
key. Can you help us?"  After this nice set-up with great potential, nothing 
sexual happened in that story.  So I initiated a contest.  Just write a story 
based on the above premise.  (You don't have to use the exact words or 
context.) Any author who wishes to do so may enter.  Send it to me at 
celeste801@aol.com.  (I'd suggest that you just post the stories, but this 
would lead to plagiarism and other forms of confusion.) The winner will be 
announced on October 7.  If you submit early enough, I'll even give you free 
feedback.

Second Note:  I am getting more and more requests for reviews.  This is 
fine with me, since it enables me to see a lot of good stories.  
However, it also makes it difficult for me to find time to seek out and 
download many other stories posted on a.s.s.  If you would like to 
increase the probability that your story will be reviewed, you may want 
to e-mail me a copy in advance.  That procedure also makes it more 
likely that I'll be able to review it while people can still find it in 
their postings.

- Celeste

      "Holly" by Dirty Dawg and Tristmegistis (Action adventure) 
            9
      "Hotsprings" by Delta (D&s romance) 10
      "Princess Charming" by TruthHurts (rape & torture) 10
      "A Great Party" by Red Dragon (Swinging & Group Sex) 4
      "After" by Deirdre (spanking) 8
      "Afternoon" by Deirdre. (ff sex & voyeurism) 10
      "Airport" by Deirdre (massage, anal sex, voyeurism) 10
      "Summer Dreams" by Lysander (romance) 10
      "Batman Forever Part 3" by Roger P Tipe (celebrity sex) 5

"Holly" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com) and Tristmegistis 
(an222260@anon.penet.fi). A while ago Dirty Dawg posted Part 1  of this but 
never got around to finishing it.  Another author (Tristmegistis) asked 
permission to 'borrow' his characters for a 
continuation story, and hence we have this finished product.

The plot focuses on two undercover cops who work together and fall in 
love with each other.  They get assigned to a case involving 
prostitution and drugs; and the female partner (Holly) has to do some 
unsavory things to make the bust.  The plot has a lot of interesting 
twists.  The only problem with the story is that a lot of it 
(especially later in the story) seems to be a mere summary of what went 
on, rather than an actual description of events.  

One unique feature of this story is that the hero has "only" a six-inch 
cock.  All the medical and scientific research says that the ole six-
incher works perfectly well; but the average a.s.s dick seems to be in 
the ten-inch range.  This story deserves a high rating just for its 
truth in advertising.  Although there are a lot of questions unanswered 
at the end of the story, it's still a pretty good action adventure.  
(Rating: 9)

"Hotsprings" by Delta .  The author has promised to repost this story 
next Monday and Tuesday.  I recommend that you download all the parts 
and enjoy this story.  When Delta first started posting this story, I 
gave it a good review on the basis of the first two chapters and my 
previous experience with one of her stories.  After I did that, I 
thought maybe I had made a mistake - not because of anything this 
author did but rather because I had gotten burned by a couple of other 
stories that started out good but faltered later.  I thought maybe it 
would be better to avoid rating stories until they were finished.  
Toward the middle chapters of this story, I got even more worried; it 
was getting just plain silly with all these people wandering around the 
campsite wearing matching chokers.  But in the end, my patience was 
rewarded.  Everything fell into place.  It really is a good story.

The plot centers around the activities of the workers at a recreational 
campsite.  Kat, the new business manager, is introduced as a beautiful 
but conniving dominatrix, who seems intent on building herself a sexual 
empire.  Fred is introduced as a good, strong, patient man who doesn't 
want to play Kat's games.  Big Jake is the free-spirited owner who 
loves his wife but also loves his freedom and lots of other women.  He 
treats his wife, Jennie, and the other females pretty much like 
objects; but Jennie still loves him.  And then there are about four 
other interesting characters.  The author combines a lot of hot sex 
with an interesting plot (that I don't want to divulge) to make the 
story really interesting.  (If it starts seeming silly, just repeat 
several times, "Celeste says this is interesting."  It will become 
interesting again.  As a matter of fact, if you're not intent on 
critiquing the story, you might not have this silliness reaction at 
all.)

When I started reviewing a.s.s. stories, I didn't think I would like 
D&s (domination and submission) stories.  I still don't have a driving 
urge to have my husband submit to torture whenever he disobeys me or 
fails to satisfy me sexually, but I have to admit that I enjoyed this 
story - especially the final two chapters, which are practically non-
stop hot sex.  Notice that I have labeled this story "D&s romance."  
Originally I thought the two concepts were incompatible; but I was 
wrong.  At least in the world of fiction, they are sometimes 
compatible.  (Rating: 10)

"Princess Charming" by TruthHurts (an268488@anon.penet.fi).  Here we have a 
case of torture and rape where the Bitch deserves it.  In fact, the rape of 
the haughty princess in this modern fairy tale is a humanitarian gesture:  
"Get up. I am going to teach you what it is like to be in another's power. If 
you survive this lesson, you'll have a bit more sympathy for those whose lives 
you control."  This is a truly clever, well written story.  (Rating: 10)

"A Great Party" by Red Dragon (redragon@interserv.com).  This author 
has been reposting a huge number of stories, and so I thought I had 
better check one of them out. In this one, a man and woman get 
attracted to another couple at a party, and then they all fuck one 
another's brains out.  There's not much of a plot; but there are 
numerous descriptions of explicit sexual activity, with a heavy 
emphasis on anal threesomes.

This story is interesting from the combined viewpoints of geometry and 
party tricks.  The narrator has a modest 10-incher between his legs 
which pales in comparison to Dave's 12-incher, which Jill takes 
completely down the throat while fucking them both over the bathroom 
toilet.

I found the descriptions of sex scenes to be formulistic; that is, the 
author seemed to be intent on getting in all the obligatory activities 
and words that a good orgy should have.  People who are not as jaded as 
I am by good sex in their real lives may find these descriptions more 
exciting than I did.  If you're interested in reading about women 
ramming themselves up and down on guys' thick shafts as hard as they 
can, while hot sweet juices run from quivering snatches down panting 
faces, triggering climaxes and the ole cunny tightens its grip on the 
stud's thrusting cock - there's a lot of that in this story.  

As I have mentioned in other reviews, my husband and I aren't into 
swinging; but I still do find it to be fun to fantasize about it.  This 
story was not a big turn-on to me.  There's another swinging series 
called Lovin by the Drifter that I think is a lot sexier and more 
clearly written.

The grammar in this story occasionally gets pretty shoddy and 
distracting.  For example, the author has some sort of aversion to 
commas running sentences and clauses together like this one.  (Wasn't 
that clever?  See - there should be a comma between "commas" and 
"running," and the author made that mistake a lot I was being ironic by 
making the same mistake like I'm doing in this sentence its a pain 
isn't it?)  He should refer to Celestial Grammar 1.0, which is posted 
on a.s.s.d.  In short, I hope some of the other stories that I 
downloaded by this author are more creative and better written.  
(Rating: 4)

"After" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  A college girl is first 
shocked and then fascinated by her friend's interest in spanking.  By 
the end of the story she becomes a participant.  (Rating: 8)

"Afternoon" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  Three college girls go for a 
ride on a beautiful afternoon.  They pick up a female hitchhiker, who invites 
them to her cabin and introduces them to her female roommate.  Two out of the 
three change their sexual preferences during the ensuing 24 hours.  The other 
watches, listens, and narrates the story.  I found this story to be full of 
hot sex, although most of it was implied rather than explicit.  (Rating: 10)

"Airport" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  It all starts off as an 
innocent massage that the woman gives to her roommate, who is obviously 
exhausted at the end of the work day.  Just when the reader thinks this is a 
pretty mild story, events escalate to anal stimulation in a very public place 
with someone watching.  There's not much actual sex in this story, but it's 
still very stimulating.  (Rating: 10)

Several of the Deirdre stories are being reposted on a.s.s., and I have 
managed to acquire copies of all these stories plus advance notice of when 
they'll be posted.  I'll try to post the reviews at a time when you can easily 
find the stories.  Actually, I don't know why anyone would need my reviews. 
Since Deirdre's stories depend on surprising twists, I really can't tell you 
much about the plot in my reviews; and her stories are invariably well 
written.  If I were you, I would simply download any story that has her name 
in the title line.

As you may know, I have a theory that Deirdre is the reincarnation of Sherwood 
Anderson.  It has come to my attention that the only people outside Clyde, 
Ohio, who know about Sherwood Anderson are English teachers.  So I'll take a 
moment to tell you about him.  Like Deirdre, Anderson was a prolific short-
story writer. {Unlike Deirdre, he was also a novelist and critic.}  He is best 
known for his sensitive portrayals of the lives of small-town midwesterners.  
{Deidre is best known for her portrayals of people with mild sexual quirks.}  
In 1919 he achieved fame with "Winesburg, Ohio", a group of interconnected 
short stories about small-town people whose frustrations and shattered dreams 
turn them into what he called "grotesques."  {Deirdre is too polite to use a 
term like that.}

Anderson's primary focus was the effects of industrialization on the life of 
the individual. {Deirdre's primary focus is slightly unusual sexual behavior.}  
His characters were often bizarre; and this aroused the resentment of the 
citizens of Clyde, who understandably got the feeling he was writing about 
them.  {Deirdre's characters are not exactly run-of-the-mill, church-going,  
PTA members.  It is my understanding that Deirdre is not allowed to visit 
Clyde, Ohio, except on Halloween.}

Anderson strongly and permanently influenced the short story, concentrating on 
mood and psychological insight rather than on plot.  For you foreigners out 
there, he's sort of an American Chekov.  {Deirdre has pursued a similar 
emphasis and has exerted a similar influence on a.s.s. } Anderson's most 
famous collections of short stories are The Triumph of the Egg (1921), Horses 
and Men (1923), and Death in the Woods (1933).  Some of his finest writing 
appears in his autobiographical works:  A Story Teller's Story (1924);  Tar: A 
Midwest Childhood (1926);  and Sherwood Anderson's Memoirs (1942).  His 
writings influenced Edwin Arlington Robinson, whose poems were popularized in 
the late 1960's and early 1970's by Simon and Garfunkel (e.g., "Richard Cory" 
and "A Most Peculiar Man.")

In short, Anderson has been reincarnated as Deirdre in the late 20th Century 
and is writing short stories for a.s.s., focusing on sex rather than 
industrialization, but retaining his emphasis on moods and psychology rather 
than explicit events.  College students in literature courses who follow this 
newsgroup should take an offbeat story by Deirdre and begin their term paper 
thus: "If Sherwood Anderson were alive today, I think he would write about the 
effects of sex rather than industrialization on the lives of men and women in 
contemporary society.  For example, a typical Sherwood Anderson plot would... 
{and then summarize in concise but vivid detail your favorite Deirdre story.  
As you do so, follow the rules of the Little Brown Handbook rather than 
Celestial Grammar, since you'll want to throw your prof off the track.}  If 
anyone does this, please let me know what happens.

Now where else on the 'Net can you get this kind of fascinating 
information while you're looking for a sexual release?  For all you 
know, this might come up on Jeopardy next week!

"Summer Dreams" by Lysander (lysander@vnet.net).  I get more than a 
little annoyed by people who say there are no good stories on a.s.s.  
The people that call us all sick weirdos I can at least understand and 
ignore.  But no good stories?  I'm desperately trying to keep up with 
all the good stories on this newsgroup.  Certainly there are some weak 
stories here (and some genuine garbage); but I find a.s.s. to be a good 
source of high quality recreational reading for adults.  This set of 
reviews should provide evidence of that quality.  And this story is 
what pushed me to make my comment.  

Lysander has written several good stories; but I think this is his 
best.  I have previously enjoyed Lysander for his action stories; but 
this one is almost poetry.  He integrates the narrator's fantasies with 
his real life in a unique and moving manner.  Because the enjoyment 
arises from the unraveling of the story, I can't tell you much about 
it.  Just take my word for it: if you're interested in romance with 
healthy doses of sex and genuine human sentiment, this is a really good 
story for you.  And don't be afraid to stop and think after you read 
this story - and read it again.  (Rating: 10)

"Batman Forever Part 3" by Roger P Tipe.  I reviewed Part 1 of Batman 
Forever in Celestial Reviews 11.  I rated it a 3.  This one has moved 
up to a 5.  It would move up higher if the author would simply 
eliminate the ridiculous number of spelling errors that fill the story.  
I don't understand why authors do this.  Holy spellcheck, Batman!  Is 
it so important to rush a story to print that there's no time to 
proofread it?  There are probably well over a hundred obvious spelling 
errors (which are really typographical errors) in this story; and they 
become really annoying.  Some authors say, "But my mail program doesn't 
have a spellcheck!"  Neither does mine.  So I just compose and 
proofread on my word processor and then paste it into my mail program.  
It takes about ten extra seconds, but it saves my readers much more 
time than that.  My other criticism of this story in the past was that 
the author missed opportunities to tie the story to the actual legend 
of the Caped Crusader.  That's getting better in the current chapter; 
but I would still like to see some more elements that are associated 
with Batman - maybe ZAP! or KAPOW! during orgasms.  The main problem 
now is the presence of the distracting spelling errors. (Rating: 5)

TIP OF THE WEEK:  In each issue of Celestial Reviews I plan to present 
one of the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on 
alt sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from 
time to time.  My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, 
about 95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be 
eliminated.  I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE 
{something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the 
sober serious business at hand.  Here is today's Tip:

VERB TENSE.  Stick with one tense, unless you have a reason to change.

     Bad:  "I was walking down the street one day.  I see a girl who 
was wearing no bra or panties."

     Better:  "I was walking down the street one day.  I saw a girl who 
was wearing no bra or panties."

There are instances when it does make sense to change verb tenses.  
Just do so on purpose.

ANOTHER NOTE:  I've been getting requests for more detailed grammar 
rules!  {As Yogi Berra said, "Whoda thunk it?"}  Give me a break!  I 
may write Advanced Celestial Grammar some day; but right now I want to 
focus on these simple rules that can help writers get rid of really 
distracting errors.  If you want good, complete grammar rules, read the 
Little Brown Handbook - a concise tome with a brown cover published by 
Little Brown.  Who says grammarians don't have a sense of humor!?

