Celestial Reviews 96 - July 3, 1996

Note:  Some time ago several readers offered to archive some of my 
reviews for public access.  Somebody else offered to archive the most 
recent stories that I review.  These services would still be useful, 
but I lost the names of these people during my hard-drive problems a 
few months ago.  If anyone is still interested, please contact me; and 
I’ll see if I can cooperate.

At the present time there is a good service that posts all 100 of my 
Top Stories of 1995 at a single Web Site: 
http://proffa.cc.tut.fi/~k113973/

In addition, several authors have adopted the practice of posting their 
own stories through their personal Web homepages.  I’ll try to keep 
that list current and post it from time to time.  I am not aware of any 
publicly accessible site that archives all my reviews at the present 
time. Contact me if you want to help.

- Celeste

      “The Babysitter” by Ann Douglas (adolescent boy &
            older woman) 9.5, 10, 10
      “Home Improvement: Jill’s Weekend Home Alone” by 
            Barge1 (parody) 6, 5, 5
      “Leave It to Beaver” by Uncle Mike (TV parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
      “Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99” by Uncle Mike (holy sex)
            10, 10, 10
      “The Wrath of Coren” by Vettius (sex & violence) 9, 10, 10
      “The Hedonists” by Jonboy (orgies) 9, 10, 10
      “Forest” by Uther Pendragon (romance) 9.5, 9, 9
      "A Night With Yokosan" by Observer (romance) 10, 9.5, 9.5
      “Virginia” by Die Atomic (teenage hedonism) 8, 7, 7
      “Big Cypress” by Mark Aster (sex in the outdoors) 10, 10, 
            9.5

“The Babysitter” by Ann Douglas (annd55@nyc.pipeline.com).  The 
activities in this story may technically constitute statutory rape, but 
I have it on good authority that almost all teenage American males 
fantasize making it with an older, sexy woman.  In this case Scott is a 
17-year-old who baby-sits for two pre-teenagers.  One day after the 
kids go to bed he watches an amateur adult video, in which he sees the 
lady of the house making love to her husband.  He barely gets the tape 
put away on time when they come home unexpectedly; but as luck would 
have it, he gets a ride home from the woman’s sister, who happens to be 
her very hot twin and who has just returned to town after being away 
for several years.  They drive past the old Lover’s Point; they stop to 
look around; her juices start flowing; and Scott gets the thrill of his 
young life.  The story even has a mildly surprising ending.

Ratings for “The Babysitter”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Home Improvement: Jill’s Weekend Home Alone” by  Barge1 
(Barge1@aol.com).  One of the things I like best about parodies is the 
creative ways the authors bring sex into the story lines while 
maintaining the spirit of the original show.  In this story, for 
example, we learn why Jill is longing for sex.  Not only has Tim cut 
her back to just one quickie a month, he has even ruined her vibrator 
by trying to give it more power.  So when Al shows up to do some chores 
while Tim is away, Al assumes that Jill may be more than willing to 
play.  Unfortunately, Jill resists; and so Al rapes her - but only 
because he knows she’ll really like it.

This story is not as well written as the other “Home Improvement” 
parodies I have seen.  Nor does it catch the real spirit of the show it 
parodies.  Tim is not the selfish asshole that he appears to be in this 
story; he’s actually a nice Neanderthal.  And it’s hard to picture Al 
as even a benign rapist with a cock several inches longer and thicker 
than Tim’s.  So far I have seen only four out of who knows how many 
chapters of this story; and I doubt that the author himself knows where 
this plot is going.

Ratings for “Jill’s Weekend Home Alone”
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

“Leave It to Beaver” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  This 
is one of a whole set of parodies of old TV sitcoms.  They even come 
with a cover story:  Uncle Mike passed away, and Mom inherited the 
computer, and the gentleman who posted these found them on his hard 
drive and decided to share them with us.

This story begins with Beaver secretly watching Wally flog his hog.  
While Wally is gone, Beaver finds the Playboy magazine and tries it 
himself - only to be discovered by his mom.  Rather than rebuking him 
or making him feel guilty, June gently explains the facts of life to 
her son.  Then she gives him a practical demonstration of how to please 
a woman.  We also discover why June always wore those pearls around her 
neck.

This was an enjoyable story.  There’s nothing complicated about the 
style or the plot.  Some of it is actually good psychology - but some 
of it is bizarre, just like the original show.  Someone might point out 
that in real life mothers would be ill advised to have sex with their 
pre-teenage children; but then they would be equally ill advised to 
name a child Beaver in the first place.

Ratings for “Leave It to Beaver”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

“Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99” by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Legend has it that in the days of yore 
- possibly back when television sitcoms were black and white - there 
existed a weekly series called “The Flying Nun.”  I know not who was in 
the show nor the content thereof; and so I cannot tell whether this 
story is a parody of that show, and so I shall respond to this as a 
tale of inspiration in its own right.

This story tells of a poor farmer in a land called Italy who was 
possessed by a demon that revealed itself to the world through an 
appendage between the farmer’s legs.  One day a flying nun appeared 
from the sky, and on that and successive occasions the farmer persuaded 
the nun to help him draw the demon out of his body.  The nun pursued 
her holy task with great vigor and through noble stratagems did indeed 
draw the bilious fluid of the demon out of the man; but alas on each 
occasion the demon had returned by the time of the nun’s next visit, 
and the process of exorcism needed to be repeated many times.  
Fortunately, the nun enjoyed her holy chore and kept laboring at it 
with the patience of Jezebel.

This is an excellent story.  It reminds me that back when I was in 
Catholic elementary school we had to give our pastor a “Spiritual 
Bouquet” for his golden anniversary.  He thanked our class, as he read 
it out loud: “....21 masses, 17 rosaries, 50 Our Fathers, 70 Hail 
Marys, 400 ejaculations....”  And then he laughed.  To us, an 
ejaculation was a short prayer, such as “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, pray 
for us.”  To our pastor the word had a more interesting meaning, which 
I suppose he heard about in the confessional. I don’t think he thought 
the fifteen boys in our class were up to the task of 400 ejaculations 
prior to graduation.  In retrospect, I don’t think the nun who taught 
the class had any idea what the pastor was laughing about.

Ratings for “Flying Nun”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“The Wrath of Coren” by Vettius (Vettius@aol.com).  I normally don’t 
enjoy stories of extremely violent sex; but I’ll make an exception for 
this one.  Actually, this story is more violence than sex.  It tells of 
two amazon assassins who try to kill Coren, the chief warrior of some 
sort of Evil Empire.  They fail; one of the women is immediately 
killed; and then the other fights nearly to the death with Coren.  He 
eventually overcomes her and rapes her.  As I write my summary, the 
story sounds awful; but I couldn’t stop reading this damned story!  The 
story is incomplete - truncated at both the beginning and the end.  
It’s a lot like catching a single episode of a well-done version of a 
Flash Gordon serial.

Ratings for “The Wrath of Coren”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

“The Hedonists” by Jonboy (jonboy@thepoint.net).  I get skeptical about 
these stories sometimes.  So when I brought my husband a beer during a 
commercial of the baseball game tonight, I said to him, “Imagine that 
you are a plumber and have to wait for an hour until the lady of the 
house returns.  Her nubile step-daughter is lying by the pool and asks 
you to rub suntan lotion on her, and her movements cause her tiny black 
bikini to practically disappear into her the crack of her tight little 
ass.  As you apply the lotion, you can smell the odor of sex permeating 
the air around you.  Would you find this to be at all erotic?”  “What 
does nubile mean?” he replied, as I handed him his beer and a bottle of 
baby lotion, flipped off the TV with the remote control, lay down with 
my naked ass easing out beneath my tee-shirt, and said, “The kids will 
be home at 8:30.”  Anyway, the basic premise of the story seems to be 
sound: at least some men would find this to be an erotic situation.

Actually, the kids did not get home till 9:00 and the premise was more 
erotic than I had expected - either that or it contrasted really well 
with a boring baseball game; and so I didn’t get back to reading this 
story until much later.  By then it had occurred to me that since the 
title was plural, ole Dave would be checking the plumbing of both 
mother and daughter and possibly a few others unknown to me at that 
moment.

By the way, Dave is a stud himself; so this is not a guy’s only 
fantasy.  In addition, he’s apparently a union plumber: "You just 
charge us for the whole day,” says Mom.  “It would be worth twice the 
price to find an unusual man like yourself.”

As I understand it, Dave had five resounding orgasms within about five 
hours during his initial visit, and he also found time to fix a leaky 
pipe while the step-mother shaved her pussy in front of him.  
Fortunately, the ladies had no Kryptonite in their house.  I have no 
idea how often the two woman came that first afternoon, but they were 
both pretty happy.  Meanwhile, I was at the end of chapter 4 out of 10, 
and my husband was dead to the world after moving the earth only two 
times in 94 minutes.  Then in chapter 5 Dave gets a hard-on thinking 
about his upcoming <g> date with Vicki that evening, and so he has oral 
sex with his roommate (a guy) before he showers and heads off for his 
date in chapter 6.

When Dave returns to the mansion at 7:00 the Three Amigos fondle, 
exchange tongues, and become pre-orgasmic; but they do NOT engage in 
full genital contact.  Another orgasm at this time might strain 
credulity. The kids go out for pizza and Mom goes upstairs for her 
dildo - either that or she goes to a bar and takes on an entire 
basketball team before going to spend the evening in a sex club.  The 
transitions are not perfectly clear here; and reality and fantasy 
merge. Chapter 7 explains the activities of the sex club - The 
Hedonists Society; and these would make an interesting story in 
themselves.  In fact, chapter 7 SHOULD be a separate story; 
stylistically it’s a major distraction, and I have no idea why the 
author felt the need to shove it into this story.  Suffice it to say 
that these hedonistic little fuckers probably have a franchise in a 
city near yours - unfortunately, it’s fictional. 

Meanwhile, back in the real “plot,” Dave and Vicki go to a nightclub 
that has a “sexiest couple contest.”  Having already exceeded the 
limits of human sexual capacity, of course, they refrain from 
participating.  Right!  And I have a bridge in Brooklyn and some 
oceanfront property in Arizona that I’d like to sell you.  Actually, 
they win the contest.  This may not seem improbable, since the couple 
has refrained from full sexual copulation for nearly nine hours by the 
time the contest starts, but I forgot to tell you that Dave had already 
cum three times immediately before the contest began.  

The dance contest scenario is especially well written.  The author 
describes not only the antics of Dave and Vicki but also those of 
several other couples; and the various couples also interact with one 
another.  And this hot sex is NOT a digression, but rather a 
contribution to the overall plot.  An anthropologist at heart, Dave 
wins the contest with an ancient mating dance.  It had a good beat and 
was easy to cum to.  Dick Clark would give it a 99.  To celebrate their 
victory, Vicki sucks Dave’s cock to the verge of orgasm in the car on 
the way home; but he doesn’t cum (again, we don’t want to strain 
credulity).  To wrap things up, Dave stays over with Vicki; and Mom 
wakes up and joins them for one final orgy.  Assuming the story ends 
at, say, 4:00 a.m., Dave has had ten raging orgasms within 19 hours.  
Not bad for a plumber.

A word of stylistic advice to the author: I don’t see what is gained by 
referring to Vicki as “the sex crazed bitch” in the normal narrative.  
It makes sense to use this terminology to express DAVE’s thoughts; but 
the author does a good job of giving an objective but hot description 
of events, and I think the evaluative reference weakens the 
presentation.  Normally, when it is the author speaking we hear words 
like “the beautiful young woman” or even “the beautiful young woman 
whose cunt ached for his cock.”  A lot of authors do this.  My advice 
is to consider what can be gained by using the appropriate words at the 
right times.  {The following is fine: "OK, bitch!" Dave swore, "You 
want fucked.  This is a fuck!"  It’s proper because these are DAVE’s 
words, not the narrator’s.}

Not everything in the story was a turn-on for me.  For example, I don’t 
find it at all erotic to think of a guy pissing on me; and while 
swallowing cum seems sexy to me, gulping down a mouthful of piss does 
not.  Likewise, sticking my finger and even my tongue into a pulsating 
ass is sexy; but I have no desire to have a guy dump his load on me.  
However, there was plenty of hot stuff, and I could have simply skimmed 
the less delectable parts.

As I started this story, I was seriously considering docking the author 
for having no real plot - this story was just an excuse to talk about 
sex.  But then I discovered that there really was a plot of sorts; and 
at the very least it was a damned good excuse to talk about sex.  Then 
I said to myself that certainly I had to subtract a point or so for the 
lack of realism.  I mean, I’ve read Kinsey and Masters & Johnson and 
some of the others; and not even Shere Hite thinks a guy who has 
already been having frequent sex can have this many orgasms.  But what 
the hell!  “High Noon” is a great movie, and nobody ever counts how 
many times Will Kane fires his six-shooter without reloading.

Assuming there are people who want to read a story primarily to get 
themselves or a friend turned on, there may be a demand for this story!

Ratings for “The Hedonists”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

 “Forest” by Uther Pendragon (romance) (an569889@anon.penet.fi). Bob 
and Jeanette have gone off for several days of hiking on their 
honeymoon.  Although he loves Jeanette deeply, Bob feels that there is 
a gap in their relationship that needs to be bridged; and he formulates 
a plan to close that gap the next night, when they stay at a hotel 
instead of in a tent.  They’ll have more room there.  But alas, things 
get very hot and tender ahead of schedule.  This is a very good story.  
I think it could flow a little more naturally; but other readers may 
have no problem at all with this sexy romance in its present format.

Ratings for “Forest”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"A Night With Yokosan" by Observer (observer@onramp.net).  The soldier 
has been sent to Japan about fifteen years after World War II.  In an 
attempt to immerse himself in the culture and eventually to get laid, 
he takes a bus ride into the boonies.  He decides that except for old 
men pissing in cabbage patches. he might like Japan.  Then he meets 
Yokosan, and she confirms his decision. {Note: Women in Japan are 
rarely obese - probably because they refuse to eat food from fields in 
which old men have been pissing.}

Yokosan runs a neighborhood bar - not a whorehouse, but a pleasant, 
neighborhood social center.  Our hero spends an enjoyable evening 
talking to everyone, including Yokosan.  She agrees to join him after 
work, but when she arrives around 2:00 a.m. her first words are, “"Me 
pissed off. My brother. No good now. We sreep now, preeze?"  Not 
exactly the planned agenda, but our hero politely acquiesces.  In the 
morning, he discovers that he is a celebrity to the girl.  It was her 
belief that Americans had bigger dingers than Japanese men, and she was 
going to be very grateful for an opportunity to check out this theory.  
They bang away happily all morning and then part - but I’m going to 
stop here.  Read the story yourself to discover the details.

This author is especially good at integrating sexual details into a 
realistic context.  Although I know little about postwar Japan, I was 
easily able to picture the scenes that he described.  However, the 
actual sex scenes are not quite as hot as some of the others by this 
same author.

Ratings for “A Night With Yokosan”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

“Virginia” by Die Atomic (Die Atomic@aol.com). I’ve learned to be 
skeptical of stories in which the male narrator is able to estimate a 
fully clothed woman’s bust size to within a single centimeter within 
five seconds of merely visual inspection.  After 392 words of this 
story, I knew that Virginia was this guy’s 5’7” step-sister with 37C 
breasts.  

Incidentally, did you know that either Isaac Newton or Sir Francis 
Galton once went on an anthropological expedition during which he spent 
his idle time using surveyor’s instruments to estimate the vital 
statistics of naked female aborigines?  This is probably true, since I 
learned this many years ago in a statistics course from a really good 
professor.  Believe it or not, he used this as an example during a unit 
on the normal curve.  I kid you not!  If someone out there has the 
exact anecdote, I’d like to get these details straight.  As Richard 
Nixon used to say while fantasizing about oral intercourse, I’d like to 
get this down Pat.

Anyway, in this story little sister is a bit of a vixen.  The first 
night the guy is home with her, she invites a girlfriend over and has 
raucous lesbian sex with her; and she has had the foresight to leave a 
tiny hole in the wall through which big brother can watch.  It also 
turns out that little sister has made a video of that session, and the 
two girls ask big brother to join them while they watch the instant 
replay.  They fuck merrily and variously for a while, but they have to 
stop when Mom and Frank come home from grandma’s sickbed.  Why Mom and 
Frank didn’t just join them is something not explained in the story.

Next the Three Muskateers go out and have more sex in the Taco Bell 
parking lot, where they get their meal for free, because one of the 
girls flashes the kid at the takeout window.  In addition, we are 
treated to some hot flashbacks, where the verb tense is slightly messed 
up, but the sex is not.

Overall, this story lacks a serious plot; what plot there is simply 
supplies an excuse to tell about more and more sexual escapades.  Its 
greatest value will be as material to stimulate readers to preorgasmic 
arousal rather than to stimulate the mind with creativity.  I’m told 
there’s a market for that sort of thing!

Ratings for “Virginia”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

“Big Cypress” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  Mike the Guide is 
taking Our Hero and his two lovely friends out to an island called the 
Maiden in a swamp called Big Cypress.  He doubts that the trip will be 
worth the effort, but he changes his mind when he gets his reward from 
Julie, the younger of the nubile Allen sisters.  As usual, this author 
does an exceptional job of choreographing the sexual exploits of four 
people making simultaneous love.

My only problem with this story is the swamp locale.  Maybe it was the 
time of the year, but I remember gazillions of mosquitoes when we tried 
to make it in a swamp.  I agree with Dr. Seuss, who said, “I cannot, 
will not do it in a swamp!”  And then Pavlov kicks in; I cannot even 
READ about sex in a swamp without feeling anxious about Pat’s and 
Julie’s perfect inner thighs being pecked at and sucked by things less 
pleasant than human peckers and lips.  It’s a classical case of 
classical conditioning.  I would have similar problems with a story 
about a blond-haired, blue-eyed Norwegian exchange student wearing a 
polyester leisure suit - but for reasons that are at least 
superficially different from the mosquito scenario; however, I doubt 
that anyone will ever write such a story.

This is a very good story - if you can suspend your disbelief enough to 
accept the notion that people can have exuberant sex on an island in 
lazy, sunny swamp.

Ratings for “Big Cypress”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

