Celestial Reviews 363 - May 3, 2000

Note: I have missed writing my reviews for a couple of weeks. A main reason 
for this hiatus is that I have been working my butt off on my novel. I have 
finished it, and I think I have a way to publish it, while maintaining my 
anonymity. 

My plan is to post one version of the novel publicly, so that I can get onto 
the New York Times Bestseller List and win a Pulitzer Prize. While that 
public version will be stripped of some of the hot parts, it will still 
convey an interesting plot that relies heavily on sexual tension. Then I'll 
post to this newsgroup full, "unexpurgated" versions of some chapters and a 
few spin-off chapters that won't be in the public version at all. 

It's so crazy, it just might work. I'll keep you posted. If this works, maybe 
I can be helpful to some other authors who want to do something similar.

Second note: When Mom was cleaning her son's room one day, she found in the 
closet a sexually explicit bondage magazine. This upset her.

She hid the magazine until the boy's father got home and showed it to him. 
The father looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. 

She finally asked him," Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Third note: A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks 
the pharmacist if he can give him something to relieve it. The pharmacist 
says: "Well, I could give you any number of things, but they won't really do 
you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore 
throat like yours."

"Really?  What's that?"  asks the man.

"I go straight home and have my wife give me a good blow job. I suggest you 
try that."

"Sounds great!" says the man, "Is your wife home now?"

F Mating Positions."

The book was already wrapped in blain brown wrapper, and the horny man in the 
raincoat just had to buy one. 

Once safely at home, he opened it and found that he had just purchased an 
expensive book about . . . chess.

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"Paint" by Virago Blue (exhibitionism). Owl: 10, 10, 10
http://x27.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=608075403

"Revenge Is Mine" by Katie McN (blackmail) 10, 9, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=608382671

"Something to Tell" by DrSpin (spouse watching) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=562976106

"Bad Girl" by EZ Riter (authorial sex) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=613349210

"Dulce et Decorum" by Uther Pendragon (safe sex) 10, 9, 9

"Sunday Afternoon, While the Big Game Played" by Rino Rino (FF sex) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=609900324

"Final Return" by Jack of All Trades (authorial sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=615842808

"Extern Weekend" by Spiller (teachers in heat) 9, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=613254895

"Discrete Sailor" by Kellis (blackmail deferred) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=617770276

"Formidable" by Uther Pendragon (romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c/story/formid.txt

"The Last Slave" by Kellis (sexual rescue) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=616647370

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Trip" by Henrik Larsen (story sharing). BillyG: 10, 9, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=613770333

"The Challenge " by Fiery Ermine (orgy). Myers: {No numerical rating}
 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=615261005

=====================
Here are the  Reviews:
=====================

"Paint" by Virago Blue (mdmvirago@aol.com)
http://x27.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=608075403

This story received an undeservedly negative review from a guest reviewer in 
CR 362. In truth, this is an excellent story. It's not long, and it doesn't 
go much into character development. It's just a little vignette that does 
what it's supposed to do. It aroused my interest, while it also aroused my 
libido. 

I once held a contest in which the main requirement was that the stories had 
to be really, really short. Had this one been an entry in that contest, it 
might not have been the winner; but it would have been near the top.

I suppose a word is in order regarding my policy of guest reviews. The first 
thing I want to point out is that there were THREE guest reviews in CR 362, 
and two of them were excellently written. I would agree with the notion that 
Watchful Owl went a little overboard in the direction of being clever, 
without regard for the feelings of the author. Reviewers are inclined to do 
that, because professional reviewers are often held in high esteem for their 
clever putdowns. I personally fight that urge and try to be clever in other 
ways. 

I apologize to Virago Blue. I should have recognized the problem with the 
review and simply withheld it. I have reviewed five or six other stories by 
Virago Blue, and my ratings have always been high. Negative reviews are 
sometimes appropriate, and I am willing to let guest reviewers dislike 
stories by authors whom I like; but this one was clearly inaccurate.

However, as someone else pointed out in a.s.s.d., one value to me of having 
the guest reviewers is that I don't have to double-check all the reviews or 
even read all the stories. When I returned from my hiatus about a year ago, I 
mentioned that I was overwhelmed and in danger of becoming burned out. I view 
these reviews as a hobby, not as a job. I don't have time to monitor 
reviewers closely or to teach them how to write effective reviews. All I can 
do is supply the forum and suggest stories for them to review.

Having said the above, I must add that I honestly believe my guest reviewers 
supply a useful service. There are numerous stories that deserve to be called 
to readers' attention, and I simply cannot handle as many as I used to. My 
system of guest reviewers allows several competent people to express their 
insights about stories. Chances are these reviewers would not do this without 
my prodding.

My advice to you is to learn whose opinions you respect and whose you don't, 
and to use this information appropriately.

I am flattered that some people think my own reviews are more worthwhile than 
some of the guest reviews. I am flattered, but a little skeptical. I think 
some of the guest reviews are excellent, and I have already been moved to 
read a story after I read a guest reviewer's comments.

The way I can be most helpful is by trying write as many interesting reviews 
as I can and by finding and supporting good guest reviewers. Right now I am a 
bit short on qualified guest reviewers. This is partly because some good 
people have retired and partly because I have through my own carelessness 
lost contact with some good reviewers. If you are interested in resuming or 
beginning your career as a reviewer, please contact me.

By the way, an obvious benefit of being on hiatus is that I was faced with a 
pile of really good stories when I resumed reading and writing this week. 
Therefore, this issue of CR contains reviews of some really good stories.

Ratings for "Paint"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Revenge Is Mine" by Katie McN (katiemcn@newsguy.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=608382671

Revenge is sweat - er, sweet. Or as Francis Bacon said, "Revenge is a kind of 
wild justice." Bacon recommends weeding it out. The protagonists in this 
story embrace it.

A sexy young lady seduces a sexy slightly older lady. Then the girl reveals 
that she is underage, and the long arm of blackmail reaches out and grabs the 
older lady by the pussy. She is going to be humiliated for the amusement of 
someone whom she pissed off in her distant past.

I won't give you the details - just a general statement that the humiliation 
involves becoming a slut. I guess this was my least favorite of this week's 
stories; but that's mostly because the others were outstanding.

Ratings for "Revenge Is Mine"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Something to Tell" by DrSpin (DrSpin_member@newsguy.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=562976106

I have labeled this a "spouse watching" story, but the husband doesn't really 
watch his wife do anything. Rather, she describes and he imagines what 
happened.

More specifically, on the way home from the party, the wife reveals to the 
husband that she fooled around with somebody else during the evening's 
entertainment. Then she forces him to ask the proper questions to find out 
what happened.

As the wife says near the end of the story: "Trust breeds complacency and 
boredom. I don't want to be bored and I don't want to be boring." I think 
that's a valid point. My only doubt is whether the wife's antidote is the 
best one. One thing's for certain: this story makes the hypothesis worth 
THINKING about. 

Ratings for "Something to Tell"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Bad Girl" by EZ Riter (ezriter@pdq.net) 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=613349210

The lady catches a plane, only to find herself seated next to her favorite 
author, who happens to be the author of this very story. He explains to her 
the basics of plot construction and composite characters. Then he gives her 
some practical demonstrations. A good time is had by all - and that includes 
some people I haven't even mentioned.

This is a sexy story with some interesting twists and turns.

Ratings for "Bad Girl"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Dulce et Decorum" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c/story/dulce.txt

This little snippet is a description of the sex act from the viewpoint of a 
condom. It's one of the author's entries in his own contest. What else need I 
say?

The title is a part of a proclamation written by the Roman poet Horace. The 
full statement is "Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori" - "It is sweet and 
fitting to die for one's country."

Ratings for "Dulce et Decorum"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Sunday Afternoon, While the Big Game Played" by Rino Rino (rino149@yahoo.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=609900324

While her hubby is watching football on Sunday afternoon, Kayla sneaks out 
for some quality time with Laney next door. The FF action is hot and sexy. 
With any luck at all, the football game will go into overtime.

Ratings for "Sunday Afternoon, While the Big Game Played"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Final Return" by Jack of All Trades (tradesjackofall@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=615842808

In America the citizens have a custom of all getting together and 
contributing to the support of the common good. This custom is referred to as 
"taxation." When the British imposed this custom on us without 
representation, it sucked. But now that we have our own form of 
Representative Democracy we all feel honored to be allowed to give money to 
the government to use as it sees fit.

So the people in this story are accountants at tax time. The taxpayers have 
been so generous that two of the accountants have had to work very 
industriously. One is a senior accountant and the other is an intern. The 
intern goes out to run an errand and returns while her boss (the senior 
accountant, who is also the narrator of this story) is away from the 
computer. When he comes into the room, he finds her staring at his computer 
screen. I forgot to tell you, he was writing a dirty story for this very 
newsgroup on that screen. Instead of being aghast, the intern is delighted to 
discover that her boss is Jack of All Trades, who is possibly the greatest 
writer in this newsgroup - or so the story goes.

Anyway, she offers to bring him to sexual rapture, if only he will agree to 
write about their experience. And that's how this story got written. Imagine 
that.

In this story the protagonists use KY jelly when he sticks his cock up her 
ass. This is a good idea. {You can parse that sentence any way you want!} 
When I was in college I had a classmate from a state whose postal 
abbreviation was KY.  One year her mother sent her some jam for her birthday. 
I asked her if that was KY jelly. I laughed my ass off, but she had no idea 
what I was talking about. It was nice to think that I was more sexually 
sophisticated than at least one person in the entire world.

Ratings for "Final Return"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Extern Weekend" by Spiller (xxspillerxx@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=613254895

I guess an "extern weekend" is what Happy Norwegians call "in-service 
retreats," except that all the participants stay at a hotel for the weekend, 
get randy, and fuck like bunnies. Although there are some glitches in word 
usage, this is a sexy story.

The first error is a spelling mistake. "School closed early and we were all 
bussed to a rather posh hotel." That would be "bused." If they were "bussed" 
all the way to the hotel, that would mean that someone was kissing them. 
Really.

Next, we have the narrator receiving "the first chock of the evening." A 
"chock" is a type of wedge. I suppose that's where the phrase "chock full of" 
comes from as in a boat being chock full of seamen or a cunt being chock full 
of semen. The author meant "shock."

Next, the "chock" of hearing naughty words makes the narrator "tinkle all 
over." The author means "tingle." "Tinkle" can be viewed as either a 
sophisticated word for "going wee wee" or a childish euphemism for "urinate." 
I doubt that the author means the latter - were it so, we would have {WS} in 
the title line.

Then the narrator thinks her suitor's proposition over "in her subconscious 
mind." The subconscious mind is by definition, "subconscious" - that is, the 
thinker is not aware of the thought that goes on in his/her subconscious. For 
example, if I have a subconscious lust for my sister-in-law, this would mean 
that I would not even be aware of this urge. I would be "thinking" about it 
without knowing what I was thinking about. So the narrator is thinking about 
the proposition - there's nothing subconscious about it.

Finally, the couple leave the party "discretely." Actually, they leave 
"discreetly." In fact, they did leave discretely {as two separate events}, 
but what the author meant to say is that they tried not to call attention to 
themselves, which would call for discretion.

Later, the author uses the word "abandon" correctly. I mention this because 
it reminds me of one of my favorite Tom Swifties: "She committed adultery 
with abandon."

Other than that, this is story is mostly a blur of mind-blowing orgasms, 
pleasurable pain, crying, yelling, and people fucking like animals with 
abandon. Cool!

This is a very good story. 
 
Ratings for "Extern Weekend"
Athena (plot & character): 9
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Discrete Sailor" by Kellis (http://www.dhp.com/~kellis).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=617770276

One thing you need to know is that the title should be "Discreet Sailor." See 
the vocabulary discussion in the previous review .

In this story our 15-year-old sailor is discreet because while he is out 
through Harmon Rocks at high tide in his sailboat, he sees Bill's stepmother 
sucking old man Calvin's dick. Discreetly, he says nothing to anybody.

The adults have trouble believing that the kid will keep his mouth shut about 
what he has seen, and so Mrs. Collier throws some really good sex his way in 
order to entice him to keep quiet. A good time is had by both, but then the 
young sailor proves himself not only to be more discreet but also more astute 
and more mature than the adults. What the hell does that mean? I suggest you 
read the story to find out.

Ratings for "Discrete Sailor"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Formidable" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c/story/formid.txt

Uther sometimes expresses his displeasure with me for "not really 
understanding" his Brennan Family stories; but I think I understand them just 
fine. At any rate, I certainly do enjoy them. As I see them, these stories 
are tales about an extremely normal and intelligent couple who are also very 
sexy and who experience lots of normal family problems. The major focus of 
the overall series is the personality growth of both the husband and wife as 
they mature in their relationship. Secondary focuses include the academic 
growth of the wife (which is covered in the present story) and the problems 
they encounter with the wife's family (which are not covered in the present 
story).

This story takes place about three years into the Brennan marriage. I am not 
going to tell you much about it, except to say that it combines good sex with 
a good plot. I suggest you read this and the other stories in this saga.

Ratings for "Formidable"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Last Slave" by Kellis (http://www.dhp.com/~kellis). 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=616647370

This story takes place in a town in the western United States around 1880. 
Agent Brandon has come to town to rescue a whore named Lucy, a.k.a. Eliza 
Eberly in a more respectable life.

It's an interesting setting and a good plot, with some nice twists and turns. 
Lucy has been subjected to all kinds of nasty abuse, but the training comes 
in handy when she eventually wants to show her appreciation to her rescuer.

Ratings for "The Last Slave"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Trip" by Henrik Larsen (henlar@hotmail.com). Guest Review by BillyG 
(hayden@mindless.com).

Some erotic encounters are the result of careful planning and as such are 
often scripted, losing the element of surprise and spontaneity, while others 
just happen, perhaps at the direction of some cosmic director.  I lean to the 
latter, those that are the result of serendipity, whatever the forces.

Henrik Larsen is a Dane who, like other talented Danish writers, is quite 
facile writing in English, both I would gather, in real life as well as 
Henry, the protagonist of this story. The plot's straight forward enough - 
the reader sympathetically wants to embrace believability. How else are we to 
identify with the middle-aged computer guy who is a closet pornographer and, 
because of a cancelled flight and a hotel screw up, ends up sharing a room 
with Sofie, a young and attractive girl?

Sofie, as it turns out, is fascinated that Henry's a writer and more, that he 
writes erotica.  Of course he is given the opportunity to share his stories 
with her and that lights the burners.  It takes half the story to set it up 
and when it gets going, it's delightfully provocative.  It's clear from the 
outset that these two lovers are to collide only for a moment and then go 
their separate ways.

Still, there's a final tickler that permits our imagination to avoid the 
finality of their parting.

It's cute and later quite erotic.  I recommend it.

Ratings for "The Trip"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (despite a few minor glitches)
Venus (plot & character):    9
BillyG (appeal to reviewer):10

"The Challenge" by Fiery Ermine  (fieryermine@hotmail.com).  Guest review by 
Dave Myers.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=615261005

This would have been a pretty *great* story if it hadn't been quite so 
focused on the little things. Like body parts. Instead it's just a very 
*good* story that won't disappoint you, but makes you wonder if the writer 
just did it in a big hurry.

A party. A bet. Some girl-on-girl action ensues. Well, it's a pretty nice 
version of that, at least. It's hot, sticky, wet, messy, yummy, and all on 
tape. And we can even get caught up in it for a second. But shortly after I 
started, I really felt I was missing something. The onlookers are referred to 
a few times, but we don't get a feeling for what was "at stake" in the 
challenge. If we had, it would have made the treats of the sex all the more 
enjoyable. As it stands, the onlookers are hardly relevant, and don't even 
add to the excitement for me. The exhibitionism of the act is totally lost, 
and they might as well have been doing this for kicks behind closed doors.

Verdict: just a little too staged overall, but don't get me wrong- the body 
parts are flying in this one, and author makes a good show of it.

<end>

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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