Celestial Reviews 211 - August 27, 1997

Note:  As you sports fans know, there has been a trend toward naming 
sports centers and stadiums after corporate sponsors.  It occurred to 
one of my readers that corporate sponsors might also be interested in 
adopting condoms.  Here are some suggested mottoes:

      Nike Condoms:  Just do it.
      Toyota Condoms:  Oh what a feeling.
      Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby.
      Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop.
      Mentos Condoms:  The freshmaker.
      Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack:  Ten million strong and 
            growing.
      Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for 
            a woman.
      Macintosh Condoms:  It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
      Ford Condoms:  The best never rest.
      Chevy Condoms:  Like a Rock.
      Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it?  Don't you wish 
            everybody did?
      New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey -- you never know.
      California Lotto Condoms:  Who's next?
      Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
      EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
      KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good.
      Coca Cola Condoms:  Always the Real Thing.
      Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one.
      Campbells Soup Condoms:  Mm, mm good.
 
      [EverReady Condoms are best used inside-out: they keep 
            coming and coming]

If you have additional suggestions, I'd like to hear them.

Second note:  A scriptural scholar who follows my reviews sent me this 
excerpt from a newly discovered manuscript, which appears to be a 
missing chapter from the Book of Genesis:

And behold, on the EIGHTH day, having created the universe and all that 
was in it, God had a couple of left-over things remaining in his bag of 
creations. Therefore, he went to the Garden and found Adam and Eve near 
the apple tree.

God spake unto the couple and said that one of the things he had to give 
away was the ability to pee standing up. "It's a very handy thing," 
quoth God unto the couple. "Does either one of you want this gift?" 

Adam thereupon almost popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Lord, 
Lord, give that unto me! Deeply would I love to be able to do that! It 
seemeth the sort of thing that it behooveth a Man to do. Oh please, oh 
please, oh please, let me have that ability. Would that I could! I'd be 
so great! When I'm henceforth working in the garden or naming the 
animals, I could just let it rip. I'd be so cool! Oh please, God, let it 
be me unto whom you give that gift. Let me stand and pee all the days of 
my life.  Oh please........." On and on he went, until nearly noon on 
that eighth day of creation, crying out like an excited little manchild 
who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if 
Adam really wanted it so badly - and forsooth it seemed to be the sort 
of thing that would make him happy - she really wouldn't mind if Adam 
were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. 

And so it was. And it was good.  On his first try Adam's piss fell 
nearly two cubits from his body and flowed like a gentle river down the 
hillside.  Soon he learned not to piss against the wind.

Then God spake thus: "Fine," quoth he, looking back into his bag of 
left-over gifts. "Now I need something for the woman.  What's left here? 
Oh yes, multiple orgasms...." 

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Dirty Boys" by Mike Hunt (voyeurism & emerging adolescence)
            10, 10, 10
      "Room with a View" by Ann Douglas (voyeurism) 9, 10, 10
      "Star" by Ann Douglas (sex with movie star) 9, 9, 9
      "Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (sex with a nun) 10, 10, 10
      "Temptation" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (satanic sex in a convent) 
            10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews:

      "The Perfect Place" by LuckyMe (voyeuristic travelogue) 7, 2, 5
      "Find a Penny..." by J Boswell (sex & romance in the 60s) 
            10, 10, 10
      "Adrienne a la Mode" by Cynthia (romantic seduction) 
            10, 10, 10
      "A Scandal in Beverly Hills" by DG (sexy detective story)
            10, 10, 9
      "Leslie Banks" by The Real Megillah (geriatric sex) 8, 5, 3
      "Bi Quad" by Unknown Author (foursome) 7, 10, 9
      "Citation" by Unknown Author (pleasurable police bondage)
            8, 9.5, 9
      "The Hotel Dinner" by Slowhand Luke (threesome) 8, 10, 10
      "Prom Date" by Ann Douglas (sweet romance) 10, 10, 9

Reposted Reviews:

    * "Tryout" by Friar Dave (threeways & moreways) 10, 10, 10
    * "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (sex life of porn writer)
             10, 10, 10
    * "Scarlett's Cove" by Ann Douglas (hot lesbian romance) 
            10, 10, 10
    * "A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (emerging 
            adolescence) 10, 10, 10

"The Dirty Boys" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  I've decided to use my 
literary detective skills to figure out who Mike Hunt really is.  Sort 
of like I did with Deirdre when I determined that she was really 
Sherwood Anderson reincarnated and living in Sulfur Springs.  Only I'm 
pretty sure Mike is nobody reincarnated.  I think he's on his first time 
in this life.

The way I figure it, he's probably an American.  That doesn't narrow it 
too far, because there must be a million or a billion or even a zillion 
Americans.  But I've also concluded that he's a man.  I came to that 
conclusion because his knowledge of female anatomy and emotions seems to 
be second-hand, if ya know what I mean.  That was a big step, because I 
was able to eliminate a half million, billion, or zillion people at one 
shot.

Next, I figured he probably actually has some real experience with sex.  
So that ruled out most of the people in New Mexico.  You may think 
that's an insult to the people of The Evergreen State or whatever they 
call New Mexico - the Land of Enchantment, I think - but the people of 
that state either live alone or are proud of their virtue or don't know 
diddly about computers.  So that eliminates another thousand people or 
so.

Next, I figured Mike obviously knows something about computers, even if 
he is an AOL user.  So that ruled out 2 out of 3 of the guys who teach 
in my English department.  The other guy was ruled out in the previous 
paragraph - the sexual experience part, not the New Mexico bit.

Of course, in narrowing this down, I can't believe anything Mike says in 
his stories.  Like, he says in this story he's from California.  Right!  
The problem is that Mike is a bald-faced, compulsive liar.  I suspect he 
even lies about the size of his dick in the notes that accompany his 
stories. I thought that tidbit might help me narrow the field; but it 
didn't eliminate a single suspect.  Nada.  Zippo.

So right now I figure Mike is a heterosexual male American or perhaps 
Canadian citizen, probably between the ages of 17 and 70 and probably 
not currently in prison, who lives somewhere other than New Mexico, who 
does not teach English at my high school, and who is probably not Al 
Gore.  That's really not bad for my first day's work!  I'll keep you 
posted when I learn more.  If you have any suggestions, send them to me.

In the present story Mike talks about his alleged early experiences as a 
teenage voyeur.  He even admits to mutual masturbation with his teenage 
voyeur partner.  {However, even if that's true, that doesn't narrow the 
field very much - according to Kinsey, anyway.}  As usual, the writing 
is sexy and thought-provoking.

Ratings for "Dirty Boys"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Room with a View" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com).  Here we have a 
story about another one of those evil-hearted teen voyeurs, who spy upon 
unsuspecting, sultry nymphs through binoculars from nearby apartment 
buildings.  Jimmy even gets lucky tonight - well, sorta lucky: Maria 
masturbates in front of the window while changing clothes.  Then she 
startles Jimmy by blowing him a kiss at the end of her performance.

This summary may sound tame, but this is actually a highly erotic story.

Ratings for "Room with a View"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Star" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com).  Kevin is an 18-year-old who 
is in love with a 50-year-old actress.  She has given him a front-row 
seat to see her play and also received an invitation to meet with her 
backstage after the show.  Things go pretty well - Cindy even tells him 
to stop calling her Miss Thomas.  Next she discusses with Kevin her life 
in Hollywood and her past affairs; and when he says that she's still 
beautiful, she disrobes in front of him, so that he can verify this 
opinion.  Pretty soon Kevin is getting a blowjob and then fucking Cindy 
in the ass.  Life will never be the same for the young man.

This isn't among Ann's best stories.  But it's still pretty good.

Ratings for "Star"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com).  I guess sex-with-
nun stories are interesting mostly because nuns are taboo. It's fun to 
fantasize having sex with a person normally considered to be off-limits 
or to imagine these presumably asexual beings having dirty thoughts.  I 
am a graduate of Catholic education, and I have a close friend who was a 
nun for a long time; and I enjoy some of these nun-sex stories 
immensely.  

Having said that I enjoy these stories, I also hasten to point out that 
they are mostly fantasy; that is, they require an extreme suspension of 
disbelief.  For example, last month I gave my top rating to a story 
called "Conventional Sex," in which a teenage boy gets stuck for the 
night in a convent and has wild sex with the nun in whose room he hides.  
I truly doubt that  the author of that story had first-hand or even-
second hand information on which to base that story.  In other words, it 
was a hilarious and sexy fantasy, but I doubt that anything close to it 
has ever happened.  Ditto for "Temptation," the next story in this issue 
of CR: to "believe" that story you have to accept the notion that a 
critter called an incubus can appear and disappear, change forms, and 
exercise physical and spiritual control over an emotionally distressed 
nun who can't think of any way to avoid the danger.  In other words, 
it's a thought-provoking, borderline blasphemous fantasy that has just 
about as much relation to reality as the movie "E.T."

The present story is different.  From what I know about nuns {we'll call 
it second-hand experience}, this one is actually a real-life 
possibility.  The nun bums a ride on a sailboat to the Virgin Islands.  
She falls into serious conversation with her male companion, discloses 
that she is taking a leave of absence to "find herself," describes her 
past experiences, and eventually makes hot and tender love to him.

When I say that this story is realistic, I don't mean to suggest that it 
is autobiographical.  I doubt that the author really "fucked a nun and 
lived to talk about it."  What I think happened is this:  The author is 
a person who enjoys writing about emerging sexual feelings and the 
sexual explorations of children and adolescents.  One day he watched a 
movie like "The African Queen," and he said to himself, "Wouldn't it be 
interesting if these two people were on a sailboat to an exotic place 
and if the woman were a nun and if the sex were explicit rather than 
implied?  The nun could talk about her adolescent and pre-convent sexual 
experiences and about her current feelings.  The guy could be 
understanding and supportive and reveal his own feelings and 
experiences.  We'll see where things go from there." And thus this story 
was born.  

It may not have been "The African Queen"; maybe it was "Heaven Loves Mr. 
What's His Name" or one of those other stories where a relatively naive 
woman is marooned with or travels with a more worldly man.  My point 
here is that this is a good way to generate stories: find a good plot 
and "steal" it.  It's not plagiarism or a copyright violation to adapt 
someone else's basic story, as long as you really do make it your own by 
diverging from the basic idea and developing the plot and characters 
along unique lines.   Some of the most "original" stories in both world 
and erotic literature (and in the movies) have been developed in this 
way.  Give it a try!  But meanwhile, read and enjoy this story.

Ratings for "Sister Mary Joseph"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Temptation" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (mohanraj@ella.mills.edu).  The story 
begins with Sister Maria asleep in her convent, tormented by erotic 
dreams.  Although the dreams are extremely sensual, they are not 
pleasant to the young woman, who has taken a vow to forgo sexual 
pleasure  She confesses her sins to Father Jose, who requires her (among 
other things) to contemplate her sins, to do penance by wearing a hair 
shirt, and eventually to throw herself at the mercy of Mother Superior.

The story is far too complex to summarize in detail.  It's a mixture of 
a James Joyce novel and a Fellini film: the reader knows it's supposed 
to make sense but can't quite figure out how.  But that's good!  Sister 
Maria is a former prostitute who has abandoned the old ways but still 
remembers them and has not quite figured out why some of the old things 
were wrong.  Her priest-confessor is in cahoots with the Mother 
Superior, who seems to be running a coven of fiends who.... Actually, 
it's a lot like having Mother Angelica fromo EWTN in Stefano's role in 
"Days of Our Lives."

In a strange way, this story reminded me of "The Sound of Music." For 
example, there's a song in that movie about "How do you solve a problem 
like Maria?"  In the movie Maria solves her dilemma by leaving the 
convent to marry Captain von Trap and to raise his eight children.  
Maybe you don't see the parallelism, but I'm sure W.C. Fields would.  
Just make some minor changes, like replacing the children with a satanic 
incubus who plunges a knife into Maria's naked body, and you have the 
present story.

I have already descended to levity, but the rest of this "review" is 
even more difficult to write.  I mean, Mary Anne Mohanraj is one of my 
favorite writers; and she has written a serious, somber story that 
merges human sexuality with religious themes.  It would be "almost 
blasphemous" to end this review with a joke.  Ah, what the hell!  Her 
story is "almost blasphemous" already!

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if 
either died, the remaining one would try to contact the partner in the 
Great Beyond exactly 30 days after that person died.  As fate would have 
it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.  True to her 
word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 
days later.  

At the seance, the surviving lover called out, "John, dear John; this is 
Martha. Do you hear me?"  

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear 
you." 

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful.  There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of 
the time."

"Well what do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise and eat a good breakfast, and 
then there's nothing but sex until noon.  After lunch, we nap until two 
and then have more sex until about five.  After dinner we go at it 
again, until we fall asleep about 11 pm."

Martha was somewhat taken aback:  "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

Martha was shocked.  Filled with apprehension, she asked, "Well then 
where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

See!  I can do surrealism too.  And that brings me to the end of this 
review.  This is an excellent story.

Ratings for "Temptation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Perfect Place" by (LuckyMe (luckyme001@aol.com).  Guest review by 
Kim.

OK, I'll try not to start this review with a pointless and jokey 
introduction. Well, one out of two ain't bad I suppose. This won't be a 
long review 'cos it's not a long story. Hell, it's not even a story 
really. It's basically the supposedly true reminiscences of a guy on a 
trip to Germany. He wanders about the edge of a lake, just south of 
Frankfurt, and along with a few voyeuristic locals, watches various 
couples and groups having gay, straight, and bi sex. He never once joins 
in or even covertly masturbates; he just watches. And erm, that's about 
it really.

It's well enough written; but as a saga of torrid, panty-soaking sex, it 
comes across more like a German tourist travelogue. I suppose that's a 
bit harsh, but it's difficult to get involved when the narrator is so 
uninvolved himself. The nearest he comes to an emotional response is at 
the end with a rather sad regret that there isn't a place like this in 
the good old U.S. of A.

And that's about all I can say about it really. Hey, this is the 
shortest review I've managed so far. At this rate I'll soon be down to 
Celeste's levels. :)

Ratings for "The Perfect Place"
Athena (technical quality): 7 (simple, mechanical description 
      mostly)
Venus (plot & character): 2 (almost not applicable)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 5 (I hate to do this, knowing what it's 
      like on the receiving end)

"Find a Penny..." by J Boswell (Ole Joe repost).  Guest review by 
BronwenSM.

We start with the narrator today, reminiscing on the beach in the 
Nineties, and then go into flashback.... It's the Sixties, and our hero 
is a not-so-hip freshman in a big Eastern city just before long hair and 
hash took over the campuses. 

His group's moral code also predates the Summer of Love. Although loving 
and responsive, his steady girlfriend wants to hold onto her virginity - 
and his frustration is what drives the events that follow. It's a story 
about growing up. Boy meets girl, boy cheats on girl, boy owns up, girl 
dumps him, second girl was only playing games... 

"Life was simple and fun, and I had it by the balls and knew it," says 
the narrator. By the end of this section he's beginning to see that life 
isn't always quite that simple. (There's more of this story to come - 
for which I am grateful!)

This story is well-constructed with interesting characters you can care 
about. As an Englishwoman, I found the writer's powers of observation 
made an essentially foreign scene vivid to me. Take out the most 
explicit sexual passages and you could publish this story a lot of 
places. Personally, though, I think taking the sex out would be a real 
waste - as it is horny and authentic. This is a good story, but it as a 
story I will remember it rather than a turn-on - though this doesn't 
mean it wasn't a turn-on, rather that this wasn't its main appeal. 

Ratings for "Find a Penny..."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10 (or possibly 11!)
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Adrienne a la Mode" by Cynthia (SLowhand@dial.pipex.com).  Guest review 
by BluePencil.

A respected writer in another genre once said that plot ideas were one 
of the easiest things to come by; it was turning them into a good story 
that required hard work.

Unfortunately, this is one of the hardest things for aspiring writers to 
absorb. Far too often they feel the need for an exotic plot, locale, or 
characters.  In alt.sex.stories, this often translates into people with 
unlikely physical measurements and unusual athletic attainments making  
love with each other, assorted relatives, and the occasional polar bear 
while riding the roller coaster in their local amusement park. I'm 
exaggerating slightly, perhaps - they probably wouldn't all fit in the 
roller coaster. Perhaps the bumper cars.

There are at least two sorts of problems with this type of story:

First, it's usually a little hard to suspend your disbelief enough to 
forget that it _is_ a story (if not, you and your dearest are probably 
scheduled for one or more daytime talk shows in the near future).

Second, and far more irritating for the writer, is that if your story is 
discussed at all it won't be for your masterful plotting, your command 
of the language, or even your well-crafted sex scenes.  Instead, people 
will remember it as "the one where the bald-headed woman got it on with 
a camel in a pool of lime jello."  Irritating, unless you are willing to 
take this as a tribute to your memorable characters.

Fortunately, there are writers out there, however rare, who are willing 
to bypass the easy tricks and work at their craft.  And even, amazingly, 
post the results to alt.sex.stories.

Adrienne is a teacher.  Tim is her businessman lover, who has trouble 
leaving his work totally behind, even for an evening with the woman he 
loves.  She sets out to distract him.  What happens?  Does she arouse 
his interest, or at least his libido?  Does she succeed in driving work 
from his mind?  And does she get what she wants in the end? Read the 
story.  Really.  

Cynthia has taken the familiar elements of far too many ordinary stories 
and transmuted them as thoroughly as coal into diamond.  This is one of 
the best written, believable, and appealing stories I have read on this 
newsgroup in the past few months.  I don't recall seeing any of 
Cynthia's stories before; I'd like to thank Slowhand Luke for posting 
this one for her.  I hope that it is the first of many.

Ratings for "Adrienne a la Mode"
Athena (technical quality):      10
Venus (plot and character):      10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 10

"A Scandal in Beverly Hills" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com).  Guest 
review by BillyG.

This is a moderately long, well-written detective story that's rich in 
well-contrived, seedy characters and enough unexpected twists and multi-
layered surprises to keep your attention.  A down-at-the-heels, largely 
unemployed detective, Franklin Stern, is hired by surgically-enhanced 
and sexually-kinky woman, Ms Amanda Link, for what appears to be a 
straight forward surveillance job to collect information about - get 
this - a plastic surgeon who, she maintains, may be using shoddy breast 
augmentation implants.  The sleazy surgeon, Dr. Martin Westphal, 
presents his own set of character defects, not the least of which is a 
considerable inaptitude as an operating physician.  He is, in short, a 
bumbler, but one with aspirations and a certain talent for scheming.    

The first layer of this spoof is entertained only briefly.  Quickly 
we're led into deeper levels of a convoluted but entertaining plot of 
blackmail and infidelity.  Dionysian's unfolding of the secondary and 
tertiary levels of duplicity is what makes this story so entertaining.    

A secondary character, the Mexican maid, Maria, is a delightful, thick- 
accented scene stealer.  As unprincipled as the best, or the worst of 
them, her Mexican accent works well, except the few times she `loses' 
it, more a typo/overlook than a contrived machination.  Maria is 
unabashedly sexy with a taste for same-sex kinkiness as well as a new-
found predilection for anal fucking.    

Stern eventually sees thought *almost* all the layers of subterfuge and 
in the process, enjoys Amanda's quirky desire to be sexually humiliated 
as a fun but not very erotic side dish.   

The story moves well as a detective story, a detective story with lots 
of kinky and sexy subplots.  But, if your like a gradual seduction or a 
slow buildup, this tale bypasses those nuances and instead mater-of-
factly jumps into totally consensual, get-it-on-right-now sexual 
activity, none of it vanilla. 

The "9" for "appeal" reflects the reviewer's preference for greater 
eroticism in a sex story.  Were I grading it as a detective story, it'd 
be a 10.   

Ratings for "A Scandal in Beverly Hills"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Leslie Banks" by The Real Megillah (posted by Hawk Richards).  Guest 
review by Mike Hunt.  

This is a story  that Hawk Richards says he is posting on behalf of The 
Real Megillah. I have my doubts, but except for the fact that I know 
Hawk is a lying scumbag without a shred of honesty, I have no reason to 
question him.

"Leslie Banks", I think, is a story for a narrow market. Maybe not, 
maybe it's me. What do you think? It's about sex with a 72 year old 
woman: iron grey hair, a mustache on her upper lip, loose dental plates 
(which begin to come out during a passionate kiss), spread hips, thick 
legs, and breasts which "hung down like flat pancakes."

The story is simple. A young man meets her on a bus, they go dancing, 
have sex, and live happily ever after. Oh, did I mention the part about 
her sideburns and the long grey hairs on her chin? And under her arms? 
It's not that Leslie is old. It's that the author makes her a grotesque 
caricature.

There isn't much more here, so you decide if you want to go find it. 
Personally I'd rather go down to the local Decency League chapter and 
help address envelopes.

Ratings for "Leslie Banks"
Athena (technical quality): 8  (loss of points for the use of 
      "aureola")
Venus (plot & character): 5 
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Bi Quad" by Unknown Author (posted by cratercrash@hotmail.com) Guest 
review by Anne747

Before I get to my review, I'd like to rant for a minute.  The 
disclaimer proclaims `Do you like sex stories??  Find hundreds of more 
for free at...'  Okay - first, you need an Adult Check ID to get it.  I 
actually don't have a real problem with this.  However, most webmasters 
are looking for the `referral' fee when unsuspecting visitors choose to 
get their adult check ID.  I've lost my point - oh yes, truth in 
advertising!  I have an Adult Check ID (purchased last year) and so I 
entered the site - 67 stories... not hundreds.  The lure of hundreds of 
stories is blatantly false. I could say more about the site (uh, Mr. 
Webmaster... you can't stop reading a story when it's a zip file), but 
this isn't a website review <grin>.

Now, on to why you're reading - the review.  The title kind of gives it 
away, or promises what is to come (pun intended).  The story was a 
combination of good and bad.  Two couples making out in a hot car decide 
that it is just far too warm and share a blanket out in the moonlight.  
The images of watching each other eventually leads to some hot bi action 
(both male and female).  There is little character development, but it 
doesn't need it for what it is trying to accomplish.

The "good" is the fact that this story reads as a fairly realistic 
piece.  It reads as something that could happen.  At times the wording 
is very well done with good descriptive sentences.  Other times though 
it falls short, resulting in almost a choppy feel.  I've been guilty of 
this style too, kind of a `paint by numbers' attitude.

Now, there is one phrase that sticks out in my mind from the story.  I 
wasn't going to mention it, but I might as well highlight my own 
shortcomings.  I even went back and read Celestial Grammar and I'm still 
not sure of the answer (are you laughing yet Celeste?).  First let me 
quote the piece I'm talking about:

"Julie decided it was time to get laid by two guys. She laid on top of 
me and my friend laid on top of her."

Should the second sentence use "lay" instead of "laid"?  Now, you see, 
if I had been the writer I would have likely avoided the whole bug-a-boo 
and written it this way:

"She straddled me swiftly and slid down over my erect cock, pulling Tom 
behind her....."  See, I managed to avoid even using the word!  I'll 
admit that I've changed the wording of a sentence when I wasn't 
completely sure about the word usage.  Although, I feel somewhat lacking 
in the fact that I'm not 100% sure of which word is correct.  I also 
wonder how much trust you should be putting in my grammatical ratings 
<grin>.

{Anne is right.  Each "laid" in the second sentence should be "lay."  In 
addition, changing wording to avoid insoluble problems is a time-honored 
tradition that really works. - Celeste.}

Ratings for "Bi Quad"
Athena (technical quality): 7 (choppy at times)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (based on believable actions)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 9 (okay, groups & `bi' stuff 
      get me hot!)

"Citation" by Unknown Author.  Guest review by Piper.

I think the premise of this story falls under the heading of "don't try 
this at home".  Any guy who flashes a female police officer in the 
expectation of receiving the same kind of treatment John gets from 
Officer Edwards deserves his just reward - booking, conviction, a police 
record as a sexual deviant, fine, probation, and possible jail time.  

Lucky for John, Kate Edwards isn't a normal cop, and she has a really 
well-developed sense of humor.  She gives him a chance to get out of the 
"public exposure" charge (or whatever it's called in your neck of the 
woods).  In her own words, "Until six tomorrow morning, you are going to 
be my slave.  If you do everything, EVERYTHING I tell you to do, and 
don't complain about anything...I'll be happy and you'll be free.  Fail 
to comply just once, or complain the slightest bit...and I book you as a 
pervert.  Deal?"  At this point, John is naked and secured both hand and 
foot to an empty bunk in an empty basement cell in an old, abandoned 
police building.  He agrees.

This story involves handcuffs, zap straps, whipped cream, a string of 
pleasure balls, a small vibrator, an abandoned but still functional 
police building, and a banana.  Officer Edwards just happened to have 
all of the above (except the building) in a bag in her patrol car (I 
wonder just what kind of "emergency" these things could be used for).  
Being the curious deviant I am, and having no personal experience in 
this area, I asked my two friends about the practicality of using a 
peeled banana.  After the laughter died down and they quit smirking at 
each other, I got the following advice:

    "Yeah, you can use a peeled banana.  It's better if you leave the 
    skin on, though," said one.

    "As long as you cut the rough bit off the end," said the other (they 
    spoke in turns, frequently interrupting one another).

    "Peeled, they're kinda fragile, so you gotta be real careful.  Bear 
    down too much, and you got banana puree."

    "That's messy.  But it's fun cleaning up."  (More laughs and 
     knowing glances passed between them.)

So now I know that bananas, peeled or not, are usable phallic 
substitutes.  The story gained a little credibility, although it still 
remained well out in the realm of fantasy.

Technically, this story has some problems.  Most of them, I believe, are 
due to the ravages of time.  The story has been around for a long time.  
It's been through the mill, bouncing around from BBS to archive, from 
system to system, from editor to word processor, and has suffered the 
odd wound.  While I did find one or two spelling errors, most of the 
problems come from small bits of missing prose.  Something, somewhere, 
pruned a few words here, the end of a sentence there, and the odd 
descriptive in between.

This is a pretty good story.  It doesn't quite fit into the femdom 
category because Officer Edwards doesn't abuse, mistreat, or humiliate 
her captive.  She merely teases him into having the best sex of his 
entire life.  The descriptions are hot.  The sex is hotter.  The ending 
is a foregone conclusion about a quarter of the way through.  An 
enjoyable fantasy for anyone who's had lustful thoughts about our women 
in blue.  

Ratings for "Citation"
   Technical merit    8
   Plot & character   9.5
   Appeal to reviewer 9

"The Hotel Dinner" by Slowhand Luke (slowhand@dial.pipex.com). Guest 
review by Mark Aster.

It's funny how some stories can, for no obvious reason, get away with 
things that would feel like serious flaws in most stories.  In Slowhand 
Luke's "The Hotel Dinner", for instance, the back-story (who are these 
people and what are they doing here?) is missing almost entirely (while 
at the same time it's obvious that there IS a back-story that we aren't 
being told), there are an annoying number  of typos, the title is 
completely uninspired, and song lyrics pop up  here and there in the 
text (something I usually hate, but have been  known to do myself).  
Despite all this, I found it to be quite a  good story, and I recommend 
it.

The basic plot is pretty standard MFM; girl is out on a double date, but 
the other girl doesn't show up, so the two guys take her back to the 
room and do the Magic Sandwich Trick.  But the atmosphere is richer than 
usual, the suggestions (never QUITE played out) of an erotic 
relationship between the men are nice and hot, the personalities are 
interesting.  We get to wonder who Ian is, and why Kate didn't show up, 
and for some reason not knowing is arousing rather than annoying.

In extreme contrast to porn stories (like the "One Fine Day" that I 
recently reviewed), this is erotica.  The participants don't suddenly  
become mindless sex machines at the first erotic touch; Sarah is  
uncertain, seduced, gradually undressed, slowly and tenderly fucked.   
And the last few lines, well I don't want to give it away even though  
it isn't exactly a surprise ending, but the last few lines add a very  
effective "you mean good sex ISN'T the answer to all our problems?"  
sort of feeling that isn't terribly common on a.s.s.*.

I can't give more than an 8 for technical merit here ("stomache" more 
than once, "bith" for "both", and a number of other distracting typos),  
but it easily merits Celestial 10's for the other two numbers.  Oh, and 
despite the "erotic dp" in the codes-list, I found nothing about 
computers, keypunches, or other data processing equipment in this story; 
is that false advertising?  <grin>

Ratings for "Hotel Dinner"
Athena (technical quality): 8 {Author has posted a proofread 
      revision - Celeste}
Venus (plot & character): 10
Aster (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Prom Date" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). Guest review by BillyG.

A while back, as a consequence of the CDA, Ann Douglas' new stories were 
available only by personal subscription and the price for that privilege 
was feedback to Ann.  I remembered that as I read this story, "Prom 
Date." This is the first time I've commented on Ann's stories to anyone 
but Ann. 

From her stories and a position statement, we know that Ann is a 
professed bi-sexual, although it has been my impression that she writes 
about same-sex encounters with somewhat greater sensitivity and 
sensuousness.  "Prom Date" is an uncomplicated short story, more a 
scenario, that describes the prototypical situation of the insensitive, 
selfish and almost brutish teenage male who would use and degrade the 
young heroine.  She, however, is made of better stuff and chooses to 
walk home.  Ten miles!

Enter the tender, suave, sophisticated, beautiful `older woman' driving 
a Corvette (no less).  Had she changed the gender, I'd have fit right 
in.  Given the milieu, we can predict the unfolding and conclusion of 
this sweet little story.

Ann's earlier stories might have benefited from a proof reading aloud.  
Hearing a story read aloud helps uncover problems in rhythm and sound.  
For example, the first sentence reads: "A full moon illuminated the dirt 
road as Michelle walked down the dirt road."  My mind asked if there was 
some special significance to the dirt road, that it needed to be 
mentioned twice in the opening sentence?  It took a little while to 
realize it had no major significance, but I'd been distracted with the 
thought for a brief while.  A couple of typos and another word 
repetition, while of no major impact, served to burnish the luster a 
tiny bit.  Yes, I guess I'm reduced to this rather petty criticism, but 
there you have it.

For the readers who resonate with female, same-sex stories, you'll like 
this one by Ann Douglas.

Ratings for "Prom Date"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9* {As a hopeless het, *I* wanted to 
      be the guy who rescued this ripe young thing and offered her 
      more than an alternative to a long walk home.

* "Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com).  Although I 
reviewed this story fairly recently, I am reposting the review 
now, because the story is currently making its way through the 
postings.

The reader immediately gets immersed in the action right from the 
start - Jerry comes out of the shower, finds his wife already 
turned on from reading a sexy magazine, starts fucking her, has 
her read the magazine out loud to him, and then finishes her off.  
In her pre-Jerry life, Connie was interested in other women; and 
Jerry has a liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure she's clean, 
don't cut THEIR time together, and talk about it if the attachment 
seems to be getting more than essentially physical.  In other 
words, Jerry "is able to remain sanguine in the face of Connie's 
sapphic escapades."  I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to just plain 
buoyant when he joins the ladies himself.  Read the story for 
details.

This is really hot stuff.  It almost makes me suspect that the 
author delights in the thought that maybe his readers will get 
turned on while they read this story.

The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice 
"aureoles."  I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar 
on areolas.  However, because I learned some interesting things 
about sextoys, I won't even dock him for his misspelling of the a-
word.

Ratings for "Tryout"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com).  Ann 
Douglas has been reposting all her stories.  I cannot review them 
all; but I DO recommend that you check out as many of them as you 
can. I can't possibly post reviews of all her stories here. 
{According to my count, Ann has written 56 stories and I have 
reviewed 30 - all of them very favorably.} In honor of Ann's 
reposting binge I am (1) reviewing a few more stories myself, (2) 
getting guest reviewers for some others, and (3) reposting my 
reviews of a couple of my favorites.

Note Ann's new address.

Cathy Donohue has a habit that helps her get through boring 
meetings: she picks out someone in the crowd and has sexual 
fantasies about that person.  Imagine that!  You don't think 
students do that to their teachers, do you?  Even worse - you 
don't think readers of these reviews would do that to this 
reviewer, do you?

Anyway, Cathy is a member of the local PTA and she has a theory 
that the initials actually stand for Pussy Tits and Ass.  I myself 
once went to a major PTA meeting wearing a tee-shirt that said, 
"PTA is in the middle of temPTAtion!"  I was advised to remove the 
shirt by an officer who is very unlikely to be reading this 
review: "What if the newspapers take a picture of you?"  I was 
tempted to literally remove the shirt right then and there, but 
saner heads prevailed.

In her secret life, Cathy Donohue is Anne O'Donnell, writer of 
erotic short stories.  Of course, the people of her community 
think of her as merely a happy homemaker and helpful member of the 
community, not as a porn writer.  {This story is starting to 
strike too close to home.} Unfortunately, the college kid who 
comes to fix her computer makes the connection between Cathy and 
the Internet.  Fortunately, he's a hunk.

Being a gentleman, Glen promises not to reveal Cathy's secret 
identity.  Being a lady, Cathy asks if there is anything she can 
do to repay him for fixing her computer.  Being a horny virgin, 
Glen asks her to write a story for him.  Being a horny non-virgin, 
she offers to go one better than that.  Being a sexually active 
person, I'm getting pretty horny myself at this point.  Being an 
English teacher, I'm pretty impressed with the parallel use of 
participial phrases in this paragraph.  That's it!  If I 
concentrate on the grammar I can make it through this story 
without having to do anything about my more mundane urges.

OK.  They're fucking now.  Damn this is good stuff!  I've got to 
do something to help me finish this story.  The grammar.  
Concentrate on the grammar.  Oh good, she said "eluding" when she 
meant "alludinig" - I mean alluding - I'm going to make it - or 
should that be "illuding"?  Damn!  I'm not going to make it after 
all.  Maybe if I rub my pussy just a little while I finish this 
review... I'll even keep my pants on.... This won't be hard.... 
Won't be HARD!  I've gotta watch what I say, but it's hard - I 
mean difficult - to type with just one hand... Oh good, she said 
"...excuse as to why she stood home."  She's talking like Yogi 
Berra now.  She meant "stayed home."  Maybe she shoulda slud.  I'm 
starting to lose it....  It really won't hurt to take my panties 
off.... Oh, Oh! Sabrina has found out that her son Glen fucked 
Cathy; but now they're discussing how she found out.  Encryption!  
That's good; if they keep on discussing encryption I may even be 
able to put my panties back on.  No; they're already too wet.  Oh, 
great!  Sabrina knows Cathy's secret identity, and she even made 
hard copies of her stories and took them on the cruise with her 
and therefore she humped her husband with renewed vigor each night 
and sometimes during the day.  Oh shit!  Now they're discussing 
their sexual relationships with other women.... If they make love 
to each other, I'm going to cum in my pants.... Except that I'm 
not wearing any pants....  Would you believe my husband's at a 
meeting at church?  I'm a grown woman; I can take care of 
myself.... Good!  She said "lay" instead of "lie" but that doesn't 
help - too much sexual innuendo in the "L" words.  Now they're 
making love.  I mean REALLY MKAING LOVE.  OOOOH SHIIIIIT!!!!

This was an exceptionally good story.  I strongly recommend it.

Ratings for "Crossing The Line"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


* "Scarlett's Cove" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). This 
story centers around the visit of two friends to a Caribbean Club 
Med type resort that caters to lesbians and bisexuals.  Although 
both women are lesbians, they are not habitual lovers - just 
friends.  After some preliminary fun, Jeanette finds that Arlene 
has entered her into a sort of charity bachelor auction - the 
other women will bid to have Jeanette for their date for the 
evening.  I think I have told you enough about the story.  It's a 
hot plot with hot sex.  I might add that Jeanette is a high school 
teacher and many of us often wish we could touch our favorite 
students the way she does - but somebody might take that comment 
the wrong way.

Ann writes many different kinds of stories, and I enjoy them all; 
but this story is a good example of what Ann does best: an 
interesting and sexy plot woven into an exotic environment 
embellished with accurate information about varied cultures.  In 
addition, the author enriches the narrative with sexy flashbacks 
and side plots that heighten the tension and allure of the main 
storyline.

As I have said many times before, although I suspect that all 
sensible women would enjoy sexual activities like those described 
in this story, I myself have never engaged in full genital lesbian 
or bisexual activity.  However, after reading this story, my 
defenses have begun to crumble.  If by some chance I would ever be 
bereaved of this wonderful guy that humps me on demand like Mark 
Aster's studly hero and then found myself on an exotic Caribbean 
island with a beautiful, rich former student who was professing 
her love for me after purchasing me for an exorbitant price in a 
charity auction - well, I might give it a thought.  Hell, I think 
I'll give it a thought right now!

I'm reminded of the words of my daughter, who every year proclaims 
that "this is my best birthday ever."  This is the best story ever 
by Ann Douglas.

Ratings for "Scarlett's Cove"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (mrdouble@ix.netcom.com).  The 
title of this story is a setup.  "Uncle Wally" is sort of baby-sitting 
for the 15-year-old neighbor girl, and she asks him if she should go all 
the way with a guy at school.  They discuss the matter and he describes 
one of his early sexual experiences to her.  Of course, the question in 
the mind of the reader is whether Uncle Wally is going to hump Pepper.  
I'm not going to tell you the answer to that one.  If I did, there would 
be no dramatic tension left in the story.  I will tell you, however, 
that THE difficult question is one that I have not yet mentioned.  This 
is a very good story.  I especially enjoyed the natural language and the 
plausible yet sexy plot development.

This author is an enthusiastic user of my volunteer proofreading 
service.  The author assures me that this story became substantially 
better because of the proofreading process.  I encourage other authors 
to take advantage of this or a similar service, if they are not already 
doing so.

Ratings for "A Difficult Question"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


