From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW}  Celestial Reviews 349 December 13 Special Christmas Issue - Part 1
Date: 13 Dec 1999 00:00:00 GMT
Message-ID: <21776asstr$945108601@assm.asstr.org>
X-Is-Review: yes
Approved: <assm@asstr.org>
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
X-Original-Message-ID: <0.85c804ae.258678eb@aol.com>
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
X-Moderator-Contact: ASSTR ASSM moderation <story-admin@asstr.org>
X-Moderator-ID: kelly, Vulpine
X-Archived-At: <URL:http://assm.asstr.org/Year1999/21776>
MIME-Version: 1.0
X-MIME-Autoconverted: from quoted-printable to 8bit by sara.asstr.org id LAA24550
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@asstr.org>

Celestial Reviews 349 – Christmas Special – December 13, 1999

Note:  A year or so ago I went on hiatus in a fit of depression over a 
serious computer crash I had experienced. One of the things that I lost at 
that time was my list of the Top 25 Christmas Stories Ever Posted. I have no 
backup of that file. If anyone has a copy I would like to have it.

Second note: In the absence of my Top 25 List, I am simply reposting all the 
Christmas Reviews I have ever written. Some of these stories really suck (in 
the negative sense of that expression); others are outstanding. The reference 
to the Christmas Story Contest in some of these reviews refers to a contest I 
sponsored in 1996. Bronwen won that contest with "Stocking Filler." 

Third note: Thanks to Techguy for finding as many of these links as he could. 
If you recognize a story that has no link, perhaps you could repost it.

Fourth note: If you send me the titles of other stories with a Christmas 
theme (loosely interpreted), I'll do my best to review as many as I can in 
the next issue. "Loosely interpreted" means that I'll include New Years and 
Solstice stories, as well as stories about sex at the North Pole during any 
season. I am NOT going to try to review every story that contains the word 
Christmas or Xmas, because some of these are pitifully bad. {I found one the 
other day that misspelled "Christmas" and three other words in the first 
sentence, which ended with a comma.} But if you know of Christmas stories 
that you'd like to call to my attention, please contact me.

Fifth note: If anyone is interested in writing an occasional guest review, 
please let me know at celeste801@aol.com.

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"Snow Angels" by Saucy Wench (cold sex) 10, 8, 8
http://widen's Christmas" by PJ (sci fi Christmas sex) 10, 9, 9

"All I Want for Xmas" by No One (ff sex with sexy elf) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053249
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053257

"Holly & Ivy - An Xmas Fantasy" by Captain Atom (Christmas
 threesome) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048213

"The Twelve Nights of Xmas" by Captain Atom (lengthy orgy)
 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048216

"Charlie B's Christmas" by Sacvan (cartoon character sex) 9, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309784455

"A Christmas Triple" by Kim (three stories) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310116260

"Forget All That" by Uther Pendragon (relationships)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309575152
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309863113
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310046955
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310257476
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310469176
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310717338
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310956592
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311296168
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311609996
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311844003
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=312070547

"Thank You, Mr. Dickens" by El Sol (classic Christmas tale
 parody) 9, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=424164807

"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205765895

"Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author (sex with stepsister)
 9, 6, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=214604004

"Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author (confusing TG shopping
 trip) 6, 3, 1
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=223831779

"Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (bdsm & fantasy fulfillment)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=264041250

"Office Christmas Party" by Remy (torture) 7, 4, 3
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984485
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=242315294
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984170

"Zucchini" by Frank McCoy (incest with a vegetable) 7, 8, 2
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453283414

"Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash

The New York Jacker (masturbation) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=299345550

"Santa's Cumming" by Karen Flynn (illiterate TG fantasy)
 4, 3, 1
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298897357

"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (romantic fantasy) 8, 7, 8

"Carole" by Kim (meaning of life) 9, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308609327

"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (brother/sister romance)
 9.5, 10, 10

"Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
 orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204043725

"Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204343011
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204341799
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204345175

"Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204904734

"A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas
 orgy) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=263160315

"Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205596051
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205538701
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539318
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539669

"Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
 tree) 10, 9, 10

"Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9

"For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
 10, 10, 10

"Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=212508399
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=212508415

"Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
 10, 10, 10

"Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
 8, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205519956
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205519471
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205587340

"Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10

"Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion) 9, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=273532382

"Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (teen gangbang) 5, 9, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=219032319

"Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308537374
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308537384
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308537377

"Snow Flake" by DG (psychic romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=316371386

"Room with a View" by Mark Aster (romance at an orgy)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308963341

"Seduction" by A Magician (hot mm sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309002051

"A Very Rejected Christmas" by OddManOut Anywhere
 (Christmas threesome) 10, 8, 8

"Winter Solstice" by Raven M. (medieval lesbian orgy) 10, 8, 8

"Christmas Dinner" by Tom Bombadil (poignant romance)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423894170

"Claustrophobia" by Adrian Hunter (sexual torture) 10, 10, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309355948

"Christmas in Scarsdale" by MrSpraycan (mild bdsm)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309121635

"Christmas Present For Kathy" by Unknown Author (anal sex)
 6, 5, 5

"Stocking Filler" by Bronwen (Christmas magic) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=313963903

"Dance With Me" by Ellen Hayes (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309694229

"Tongue and Cheek" by Hawk "Santa" Richards (oral sex)
 9, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298478921

"The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT (young love)
 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298812646

"My Xmas Threesome" by Patty Nickel (illiterate drivel) 1, 1, 1
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297862399

"Another Christmas Carol" by James Martin (Christmas
 shopping) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297651519

=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================

"Snow Angels" by Saucy Wench (wenchsaucy@aol.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=531056980

Question: What is a "coolie"? Answer: A quickie in the snow.

The two ladies are snowed in for the evening - or perhaps longer - in a 
comfortable rustic cabin.  So they go outside and frolic naked in the snow.  
Their nipples get hard, their breasts get perky, they make snow angels, and 
then Caesar (the dog) jumps against the door and locks them outside.  Well, 
not really; but Brandi lets Janet think so.

So what do two sexy ladies do to keep warm when they are trapped outside the 
house in the snow near a hot tub?  Wrong!  They walk a half mile or so to the 
nearest occupied house, which is occupied by a half dozen teenage boys 
jerking off while they are watching porn flicks.  But that possible scenario 
seems risky or risqué or both, and so they go to the next house; where they 
are greeted with open arms, dial 911, and make a cop come.  

Actually, this isn't a Christmas story at all - just a walk in a winter 
wonderland.  It's an unpredictable story with numerous twists and turns and 
various other gyrations.  Let me say that everyone - er, everything - finally 
comes together in the end.  I liked this story a lot.

Ratings for "Snow Angels"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"A Child's Christmas" by Mat Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com). 

The author says he hadn't originally intended to write a Christmas story, but 
he was disappointed that Mark Aster didn't give us Pat and Julie and Keda and 
Tommy enjoying Christmas and felt compelled to do it on his own.  So he 
borrowed the gang from the Allen sisters, and the result is a delightful 
story that reads almost like one Mark would have written himself.  The author 
points out that if Mark wants to sue him, he hopes that maybe Julie Allen 
will consent to be his lawyer.

The story begins with Our Hero (to whom the author gives the cryptic, almost 
laconic name "Al") returning from his day's work as a department-store Santa 
Claus, accompanied by a delightfully bratty child named Malcomb.  The adults 
do Christmassy things with the kids and sexy things with each other.  The NBC 
Today Show is currently running a series about turning 40; and from what they 
say and from what happens in this story, we can safely conclude that Al has 
not yet reached that age.  The author does an excellent job of imitating Mark 
Aster, with perhaps a touch of John Steinbeck at the very end.

Ratings for "A Child's Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"An Elf Maiden's Christmas" by PJ (pjurado@aol.com).  

An evil, dark, intergalactic power has decided to destroy Light throughout 
the universe, beginning with Earth, which is noteworthy for the light and 
goodness emanating from its north pole.  The disembodied Elf Maiden Gwena is 
sent as the emissary of Naar to carry out this destruction of benevolence.  
Meanwhile, in Mr. Claus's toy factory, the novice elf Tifa has been assigned 
to section thirteen to screw on case lids. 

This could lead us to the classic Christmas joke: How many elves does it take 
to screw on a case lid? Answer: Just two, but they'll sometimes fall off the 
case lid while they are screwing.  But the author doesn't go there. Instead, 
we have a face-off between the Elf Maidens Gwena and Tifa.  Will Gwena 
convert Tifa and the others to the power of darkness?  Or will Tifa win Gwena 
over to the power of Light?  Or will they simply engage in wild elfin sex and 
go their separate ways?  Or will Gwena possess the body of Tifa and seduce 
Santa himself?  And what will Mrs. Claus do if she finds out?  The answers 
may surprise you.  There's only one way to find out.  Read the story.

Ratings for "An Elf Maiden's Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"All I Want for Xmas" by No One (tcm_mct@hotmail.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053249
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053257

Bree is a young lady who has discovered and accepted her lesbian orientation. 
 Which is fortunate, because Santa Claus happens to be female in this story.  
Actually, it's not Santa who is delivering Bree's present, but rather one of 
those elves with fiery red hair, pert breasts, and a tight little ass - the 
sort that evokes visions of sugarplums.

After some small talk over milk and cookies, the elf serves herself up as 
Bree's Christmas present.  The story even has a moral: it's only when you 
start taking the gift for granted that it loses its meaning, and is no longer 
a gift.

This is another very nice story!

Ratings for "All I Want for Xmas"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Holly & Ivy - An Xmas Fantasy" by Captain Atom (captatom@thepentagon.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048213

Many other Christmas stories have a plot of sorts - something to do with 
harmony in the universe or being kind to children.  This one is a straight 
fuck and suck story: the narrator finds Holly and Ivy under his Christmas 
tree, and they're off to the races.  It's hot stuff!

Ratings for "Holly & Ivy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"The Twelve Nights of Xmas" by Captain Atom (captatom@thepentagon.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048216

The narrator has done a good deed for Mary, a new vice-president at the 
company he works for.  As a reward, he has received the gift of a new woman 
for each of the twelve nights of Christmas.  Beats the hell out of a 
partridge in a pear tree or a bunch of lords a leaping!

The episodes are hot but brief.  I suspect that the author knows that there 
are FORTY days in Lent.

Ratings for "The Twelve Nights of Xmas"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Charlie B's Christmas" by Sacvan (sacvan@hotmail.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309784455

Charlie Brown has been seduced yet one more time by Lucy.  No, not for sex, 
but to play football.  As he approaches the ball to give it a good, firm kick 
like one of the Pilgrims from the Mayflower, he notices that Lucy is wearing 
no panties at all. Her cunt is pink and beautiful, with just a well-groomed 
touch of her raven-black hair, flashing sensuous organic color right next to 
the white snow. As he continues his approach, he notices that the tuft of 
pubic hair seems sticky. The fingers of her other hand are rhythmically 
circling her clitoris, her pelvis moving in sympathy. Maybe she had been 
masturbating right on his front porch. Or perhaps she had just had sex with 
someone else. The hand reaches down, so delicately, it seems to take 
impossibly long, and inserts fingers deep into her cunt. She tosses her head 
back, her lips parted....  Will he kick the ball, or will the distraction 
cause Charlie Brown to miss the football yet one more time?

This story will make no sense to Europeans, who think football is soccer.

The story is not yet complete.  The author promises us the rest by next 
Christmas.  I hope he keeps that promise.

Ratings for "Charlie B's Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"A Christmas Triple -- Three Stories by Kim" (Ghost@nym.alias.net).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310116260

Kim certainly has been writing some excellent stories lately!  This is a set 
of three stories, each quite different from the others.

"A Quiet Rooftop Orgy" is set in the context of Malinov's Holiday Orgy.  To 
put it briefly, Kim and Rob get it on nicely on the rooftop of the Castle.  
Then in "Dark Doings in the Dungeons" various authors punish the repentant 
reviewer for her pernicious punditry, if there is such a word. But the 
depraved damsel bares up - er, bears up - and takes on all comers - men and 
women, fingers, tongues, pricks, dildos, with a delightfully wicked enjoyment 
and offers her customary love and kisses to all.  The final story, "Silent 
Night," is not as good as the other two.  It relies heavily on a surprise 
ending that just didn't move me.

But two out of three ain't bad!

Ratings for "A Christmas Triple"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Forget All That" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309575152
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309863113
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310046955
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310257476
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310469176
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310717338
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310956592
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311296168
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311609996
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311844003
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=312070547

I suppose the main characteristic of the sexual activity in Uther Pendragon's 
stories is that it is both delightfully arousing and arousingly delightful.  
In addition, the sexual activity is a perfectly natural part of each story.  
We don't read about sexual athletes or people under the mystical influence of 
mind control; we read about people like ourselves or our parents twenty or 
fifty years ago.  It turns out we might have been interesting and sexy people.

And then we have the aphorisms - adages that would make Benjamin Franklin 
proud. 

**** "There is room for two in a twin bed, but not for two and a wet spot."

**** "Daughters and husbands both create messes, but my daughter and my 
husband are both worth it."

This chapter in the Brennan saga is written from Jeanette's perspective, and 
it includes her perfect description of her perfect man: "His puns are 
execrable, his vocabulary can make me blush, he thinks that passing gas is  
funny, his version of vacuuming a carpet isn't worth plugging the machine in, 
he can out-stubborn a cat without even trying.  He will, however, hug me when 
I need it without my telling him why I need it.  And no, you can't have him." 
When you mix that sort of thing with discussions of family finances, 
parenting skills, French phrases that are easily transparent to 
non-francophiles, and really hot and tender sex, the result is a darned good 
story.

As this story begins, Bob and Jeanette have now been married for ten years.  
Imagine that. The Kitten (their daughter) is not yet a year old.  They have 
returned to Bob's parents' house to celebrate Christmas and to make this 
story eligible for the Celestial Christmas Story Contest.  The story is a 
remarkable combination of current activities and flashbacks to Bob's and 
Jeanette's earlier lives together and apart.  I laughed and I cried and 
visited my own version of Bob for orgasmic and comic relief.  What more can a 
girl ask for in a story?

The story is long on "relationships" - in this case with a focus on the 
relationship between Bob and his family.  In addition, within this line of 
thought the author gives us sometimes lengthy digressions on complex topics.  
For example, we get a complex lecture on economics from Bob's father.  This 
is boring - but that's the point: the old man goes off onto perplexing 
tangents, but that's part of his personality.  I think it is always difficult 
to deal with relevant but extraneous information in a story where the readers 
will be looking for erotic impact.  I suppose this author could improve, but 
I think he already does a pretty good job.  My advice is, if you find 
yourself reading a paragraph that sounds way too complex, just read it 
without trying to understand all the details.  There's a good chance the 
author is just trying to give the impression that the characters are having 
complex thoughts - he's probably not really trying to teach you any French or 
economic theory.

As in many other episodes of the "For" stories, the author throws in 
tantalizing details that make us wonder, "What was that all about?"  For 
example, in this episode Bob and Jeanette visit her family as well as Bob's.  
The details of that visit led me to suspect that Jeanette had been subjected 
to some form of childhood sexual abuse from which Bob wants to protect his 
wife and his daughter.  The author handles this kind of innuendo extremely 
well.

Penultimately, let me give you non-francophiles some free help.  Bob and 
Jeanette are long on puns.  The main pun in this episode occurs whenever the 
baby says, "Oooh."  Each time this happens Bob immediately replies (often in 
French), "No, it's not August; it's December."  Ya see - The French word for 
August sounds remotely like "Oooh," and since Jeanette is a student of 
French.... 

Finally, please note that the story has been reposted in revised form by John 
Dark (john_dark@anon.nymserver.com).

Ratings for "Forget All That"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Thank You, Mr. Dickens" by El Sol. 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=424164807

The author has subtitled this "A Slightly Sexier Christmas Carol.  And indeed 
it is. Although Ebonezer Razz is a modern version of Ebenezer Scrooge, the 
author has expended legitimate and fruitful effort to bring the old tightwad 
into the 20th century.  In addition, the genders of some of the characters 
have been changed in order to enrich the sexual experiences.

To enjoy this story, all you have to do is engage in a few "what if's?"  What 
if Scrooge had a sexy half-sister instead of a loving nephew?  What if his 
beleaguered employee were a hard-working but attractive secretary rather than 
a guy with a crippled kid?  What if Scrooge begrudged his employees their 
happiness but then eavesdropped on a couple of them having sex in the office 
during the Christmas party?  Think of the voyeurism that would be possible 
during the visits of the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future!  
Think of what Scrooge could do that would be more memorable than send a prize 
goose to his nephew!  And who might exclaim, "God bless us every one!" at the 
climax of the story - and how might that climax and those words differ from 
Tiny Tim's?

This story has great potential, but the author himself points out in his 
disclaimer that this story isn't yet quite what he wanted. The Christmas 
Carol theme seems to be a natural for a sexy Christmas story, but nobody yet 
has risen to the task.  El Sol promises to try again next year.  I hope he 
does.  It's already a good story, but it could become much better.  And 
remember: the copyright has expired; so the rest of you can grab onto this 
story as well.

Ratings for "Thank You, Mr. Dickens
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash.  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205765895

I'm a city girl.  But that doesn't mean I don't know about country livin'.  I 
listen to country songs on the radio, and they talk about lonely hearts, 
pickup trucks, unfaithful women, hard-living men, and greyhound buses.  They 
don't talk about Christmas ponies.  The young folks don't get much done 'cuz 
they're having too much fun in grandma's feather bed or rolling in the hay 
with Farmer Johnson's daughters, because there ain't nothin' wrong with their 
radios. The men occasionally leave their women at home while they pursue a 
Holy Grail called the damned ole rodeo.  The women are often tigers in their 
tight-fitting jeans who are looking for love in all the wrong places down at 
the honky tonk.  But none of them concern themselves with Christmas ponies.  

If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about.  Pam 
Tillis would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy life.  Believe 
me: those songs are straightforward.  They sing about partying with Jose Cuerv
o and waking up in someone else's clothes; about living in two-story (not 
storey) houses; about little lovin' lies; and about two-timing bastards.  One 
of my favorites is a ditty by the Stattler Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" - 
actually a pun on Rose's Bed - in which a teenager describes how he learned 
all the things a man should know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom 
the church-going folks in town wouldn't even talk to.  A Christmas pony 
wouldn't even be a stretch for country singers, who invented the term Dolly 
Parton and have been known to name their male children Sue.

No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony.  But heck, there's no such 
thing as Santa either.  And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose that glows.  
Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes each winter.  And so a 
story about a Christmas pony is not out of order.

Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher.  The basic 
plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the chimney; and while Mom, 
Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot their future activities, Santa has 
sex with the pony right there in front of the Christmas tree and fireplace.  
This obviates the need for egg nog!  And as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says 
to his father: "And you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until 
we're eighteen.  I fully understand your reasons why.  So that's when I came 
up with the idea of having sex with animals.  I can learn about sex, have a 
great time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant."

Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off.

What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the stairs.

Ratings for "A Christmas Pony"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author.  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=214604004

Dan is not exactly excited about the prospects of a boring visit to his family
 to exchange Christmas presents.  After all, they're just a bunch of 
step-siblings; and he has never felt very close to them.  But wait!  Ami has 
grown up, and now he's happy to feel very close to her indeed.  As the 
narrator puts it, her topography (not typography!) has improved.  A good time 
is had by both.

Ratings for "Home for Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author.  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=223831779

John goes shopping for Christmas, and he buys a sexy dress as a special 
present for himself. In the parking lot he gets almost run over by a car, and 
during the time between the time he first sees the car and the time when he 
is helped to his feet, he hallucinates about being a woman, having sex, 
getting pregnant, and having a baby.  The story is not even as good as the 
preceding confused sentence might make it seem.  It contains a huge number of 
annoying typographical (not topographical) errors - mostly wrong words that 
make the story even more confusing than would seem possible.

Ratings for "Joan for Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (msnider@mindspring.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=264041250

This story is interesting for what doesn't happen as well as for what does 
occur.  First, the woman's bathrobe falls open in front of the bellboy, but 
she doesn't fuck him - she just adds him to her fantasy repertoire.  The very 
next paragraph refers to a hand job, but the term refers to the fact that the 
package the bellboy brought is hand-wrapped.

Now, on to what DOES happen.  The woman is alone with Jose Cuervo at a resort 
at which her husband will join her in two days.  {Jose Cuervo is a brand name 
of tequila.  I know this because the name comes up often in country western 
songs that often supply background music for my private orgies with my 
husband.  Hence, the phrase, "No way, Jose!"}  The package contains a 
solstice present from her husband - some basic bdsm material and an 
introductory note from Marka, who will orchestrate her fantasy fulfillment.  
Well, you can take it from there.  Let me just say that things work out 
pretty well or everyone.

Ratings "Solstice Present"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Office Christmas Party" by Remy (dianthus@concentric.net).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984485
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=242315294
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984170

"You" are at your boyfriend's office Christmas party.  Since "you" are 
eventually tied spread eagle to a desktop while several guys fuck your cunt, 
"you" are apparently a female.

So if you are actually a guy, what the hell are you supposed to think while 
you're reading this story?  See, when I say you, I mean you - the person who 
is reading these words.  When this author says "you," he apparently means 
"she" but wants to confuse "you" by asking you to pretend that you are she, 
which makes no sense if you don't have a cunt that can be probed by all those 
penises.

Even if you're a woman - say, perhaps moi (that's French for Yours Truly) - 
the "you" makes no sense.  I am not at all like this woman.  I have watched 
such women at parties and I might enjoy reading stories about them, but why 
confuse the issue by insisting that she is me?

When you wrote this story, you should have said "she" instead of "you."  The 
previous sentence was silly, because you did not write this story, unless you 
happen to be the author.  Is there a lesson in this?

What this author probably did was write the story as a fantasy for someone 
else - maybe a cyberlover with whom he wanted to share a sex fantasy or a 
drinking partner sharing Jose Cuervo.  She read it and said, "God!  This 
makes my pussy wet!  I came fourteen times just reading it!  You oughta 
publish this shit!"  And so he did, but he did not have the insight or 
courtesy to revise it in order to enable a different audience to enjoy it. 

Authors do this all the time.  I don't understand it.  Well, I do understand 
it, but I think it sucks.  If you want to write a story for an audience of 
one, that's OK.  But if you want to write the story for a general public, do 
it right!

It is possible to write a "you" story.  For example, we readers might view 
the letters of one person to another or eavesdrop on their conversations.  
But good "you" stories are unusual.  They are difficult to write.  My advice 
is to write from the first (I) or third person (he/she) perspective, unless 
you have a good reason to use the second person.

In addition to the second-person problem, the author uses a weird melange of 
verb tenses to confuse the reader further.   However, as I understand it, a 
woman goes to an office party, gets drunk, sucks the monster cock of another 
drunk, and enjoys this immensely.  This has something to do with spite 
towards her boyfriend, Jeremy - fuck the bastard!  Then Jeremy catches her 
and punishes her; but no matter: she has orgasms all the while he beats and 
abuses her.  Then he invites his friends to torture her, and one of them 
burns her "right nibble" with a cigarette, which hurts like hell and leads to 
more orgasms.

I guess this all makes sense.  After all, if you believe, anything can be 
true - isn't that what Miracle on 54th Street is all about?

Ratings "Office Christmas Party"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2

"Zucchini" by Frank McCoy. 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453283414

Actually, this story is not by Frank McCoy.  Frank himself suspects it's by 
someone named Tammy, but Tammy says it's something she picked up under the 
original title "The Christmas Present."  Anyway, you wouldn't spontaneously 
select this as a Christmas story, unless someone told you about it.

The basic premise is that zucchini (I guess that's the plural) make excellent 
natural dildos. They come in any size necessary to fit any  vagina.  All you 
have to do is pick them when they reach the size you want.  In fact, if you 
slept in the garden, the damned things might grow inside you - but that would 
be a different short story.In the summertime they grow almost as quickly as 
some guys' cocks.

At the beginning of the story, the man sees his ten-year-old daughter fucking 
herself with a zucchini.  When he reports the episode to his wife (Mrs. 
Potato-Head - no, I'm just kidding!), she tells him that he should go into 
the little girl's room and have sex with her, in order to "save her from 
masturbating with a stupid vegetable."  The wife adds: "She'll never be able 
to relate properly to a man, if all her early experience with sex is just 
some frigid cucumber."  This may sound stupid, but I had a friend who had a 
bunch of baby ducks imprint on him.  They followed him all over the place, 
quacking outside his door late into the night.  As the saying goes, "Like 
duck, like cucumber"; and I suspect this can be extended to zucchini.

All this is interesting, you might say (or probably not), but what does it 
have to do with Christmas?  Well, I was just coming to that.  Approximately 
8.5 years after Daddy begins boinking his baby, during which time they have 
constantly copulating like coaxial cables, Little Lynnie gives Daddy for 
Christmas an unopened tampon and applicator.  She doesn't need it anymore, 
because she's pregnant with his son/grandson!  Isn't that special?

So that's why there's an angel on top of the Christmas tree. I know that's a 
non sequitur, but so is this entire story.

Ratings "Zucchini"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2

"Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash, The New York 
Jacker (nyjaquer@smartec.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=299345550

This isn't really a Christmas story, but it comes a lot closer than the 
previous attempt, if you'll pardon the pun.  What we have hear is some good, 
solid advice (or soiled advice, as my spellcheck preferred) regarding how to 
masturbate during the Christmas season, as well as at other times during the 
year.

I have secretly suspected that some of the people who frequent the a.s.s.* 
newsgroups engage in what my eighth-grade nun mysteriously referred to as 
"self-abuse" or "the solitary sin."  I now believe that both of those terms 
refer to excessive scrupulosity, and I find it refreshing to find a 
discussion of techniques for stroking the one-eyed burping gecko.  This 
article shows that when a young man decides to take matters into his own 
hands or to windsurf on Mount Baldy, he can do more than whack the weasel in 
order to tenderize his tube steak before shooting putty at the moon.

Actually, there are four articles in this series.  In addition to the one I 
am reviewing, there are

2. Maxing Out Your Loads
3. Work out your COCK
4. Maxing out your jackoff

The articles are designed mostly for men, but women may also find them 
stimulating.  The information is slightly redundant, but some folks may want 
to try this more than once. In other words, masturbation can be more than 
sacrificing sperm to the goddess of lonely nights.  These guidelines may help 
you shake the paint loose the next time you polish your bayonet or pop your 
clutch.

Maybe this "story" would qualify as "seasonal" because it could lead to some 
New Years Resolutions.

Ratings "Edging All The Way
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Santa's Cumming!" by Karen Flynn (TGSTORIES@station1.com). 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298897357

This is an insipid and illiterate story about a guy who wishes he was a girl. 
 Santa comes down the chimney and brings him a dress for Christmas.  After 
some flashbacks - surprise!  The story doesn't end here; but we can go to a 
web site to get the rest.  Yeah, right....  And Santa doesn't cum either.

This is the sort of thing that happens when you promise to review any story 
you can get your hands on that has something to do with Christmas.

Ratings "Edging All The Way
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (padiday@hotmail.com).  

The only reason this is a "Christmas story" is because the eponymous letter 
is dated December 18.  Give it another date, and you have an Easter story, a 
Mother's Day story, or even a Guy Fawkes Day story.  But the rules for the 
contest do say that "I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely," and so the 
story is certainly eligible for consideration.

This is really a "you" story, like the previously-reviewed Christmas Office 
Party story.  The "you" perspective makes slightly more sense in this one, 
because it is a letter addressed to somebody else.  However, I still had 
trouble getting into the mood of the story, because it seemed to be written 
for an audience that did not include me - as if the author had a story ready 
to post, saw a Christmas story contest, and then adapted this story to that 
purpose by simply inserting a date and saying, "I'll be thinking of you at 
Christmas."  Imagine that.

Given the preceding constraints, this is a pretty good story.  It's a fantasy 
about what a bloke would like to do to his babe down under - I mean in 
Australia.  Actually, the man is in Australia, but the fantasy takes place in 
exotic India.  It's a pretty good fantasy.

Ratings "A Letter to my Babe"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Carole" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308609327

Why is Kim leaving the bar with her panties in her pocket, and what does this 
have to do with Christmas?  Well, it's because she had been thinking about 
her present (meaning now, not a gift) and then somebody was kind enough to 
show her a possible future.  In short, she has met Carole, who had put the 
scroo in Scrooge.

The sex in this story isn't actively sexy, but it's still an important part 
of a very good story.  Kim weaves together several separate, vivid incidents 
into a good slice-of-life plot.  Kim doesn't start this story with a claim 
that it is "true"; and I seriously doubt that these things really happened to 
her exactly as she describes them.  Nevertheless, this story has a ring of 
authenticity to it that is often missing in stories on this newsgroup.

The only problem - and it's really a minor one - is that Kim should have 
consulted her proofreader before going to press with this story.  Another 24 
hours and one more set of revisions could have made this an even better story.

Ratings "Carole"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com).  

Sam's life sucks.  In the bad sense.  One of the reasons his life sucks is 
that his girlfriend doesn't.  In the good sense.  That is, it sucks bad that 
she doesn't suck good.  But no matter.  He breaks up with her and plans a 
Christmas visit to his long-lost sister Miriam in California.

It turns out that Miriam has become wealthy, and Sam arrives just in time for 
the lavish Christmas bash at her house. Miriam has given her friends and 
associates the impression that Sam is a friend rather than her brother, and - 
can you see where this is going yet?  Right - adult incest sans social 
stigma.  When the brother and sister get going, the sex is both tender and 
hot; and the author blends all of this with personality development that 
doesn't hinder the action at all.  This is an excellent story.

Ratings "Destiny Manifested"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (Jaybos@cris.com). 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204043725

Bobby is lonely and depressed, because he has to wait around to take his last 
exam after all his college friends have gone home for Christmas break.  
Readers of this story don't suffer, however, because Bobby spends his time 
rehashing a sexy scene from earlier in the school year.  When he finally 
catches his plane and goes home, he is met at the airport by his sensual 
mother and sexy sister - or maybe it's vice versa.  Then things rapidly 
become more and more interesting.

I chose this story because its title had a Christmas theme, and ‘tis the 
season.  Actually, it's not all that seasonal.  True, Heather gives Bobby a 
simple blowjob rather than a complete enfuckment because she has already gone 
to confession and doesn't want to have to go again before going to communion 
on Christmas; but I think that's theologically ambiguous at best.  {Heather 
must have had different nuns than I did.}  But when Laurie boinks the boss at 
the office while she's still full of her husband's cum from the wake-up call 
- well, that could have been opening day of baseball season as well as a few 
days before Christmas.  On the other hand, the wild session with Stan the Man 
in the station wagon did at least start at the office Christmas party; and 
the drunken orgy that included Stan's little brother was really an extension 
of what had started earlier.

Meanwhile, back at basketball practice, the lesbian coach has become 
attracted by the combination of sexy innocence and sweet sluttiness exuded by 
Bobby's 14-year-old sister, Amanda. And then we find Bobby wondering if his 
sexy mother is naked while he hears her grunting on the exercise machine in 
her bedroom.

Certainly Sherri's big tits and the way she bangs the hell out of Robert at 
the office don't qualify as a Christmas story.  To be sure, Mr. Dawson is 
deeply interested in the youth of his community; but since that's really just 
a euphemism for liking his girls a little on the young side, it hardly 
qualifies as a Christmas motif.

Ah, here's a connection: when Laurie is kneading the dough for the Christmas 
cookies, she's really needing a couple of cocks.  Then there's father 
O'Sullivan - a kind of Bing Crosby or John Black {for you DOOL fans} with 
raging hormones, leading the girls' choir in practicing carols. In his bed at 
night, as he whips his hand up and down his turgid flesh, lost in lust and 
guilt, his thoughts have often turned to doing indecent and indescribable 
things to sweet Amanda Anderson.  What would father O'Mally say about that?

Maybe I'm being too rough.  After all, Mrs. Stone does say "Merry Christmas!" 
to Bobby after she lures him away from the party and before she pulls a Mrs. 
Robinson with him.  And when Mrs. Stone's daughter catches them in the act, 
Bobby and Mindy do go at it like reindeer in heat; and Bobby does explain his 
absence from the party as "checking out the Christmas decorations."  

Well, it all comes together when they exchange Christmas presents.  And later 
that night, after all the festivities, while Amanda is gently masturbating in 
front of a glowing fire, visualizing in her mind's eye the special efforts 
she had put in to get just the right presents, generally reviewing her year's 
sexual exploits, looking up in the midst of an orgasm to see her big brother 
looking down at her....

If the mother's name had been Carol, we would have a clear musical 
connection: "Here we go a' caroling!"  As it is, we'll just have to settle 
for that other Christmas favorite: 

 "Yes, I need a little pussy,
 "Right this very minute...."

This is very hot reading for a cold winter's night.  It has some minor 
stylistic flaws, but it's an excellent story.

Ratings for "Christmas with the Andersons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Adult Christmas" by Abby (abbywife@aol.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204343011
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204341799
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204345175

This is going to be a little hard to explain: there IS a Santa Claus, but he 
comes only for selected families when the woman turns 40 and the youngest 
child has stopped believing in Santa.  And he's not an old man; he's a virile 
30-year-old with a wife that gives great head to male and female alike.  And 
that's not all; but you really should read the story to find out about it for 
yourself.  Don't let the brevity of this review lead you to believe that this 
is a weak story.  It's really excellent!

Ratings for "Adult Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Faerie Tale I" by D-Singer.  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204904734

While I was looking for Christmas stories for this issue, I came upon this 
THC repost - fairies, elves - close enough, I thought.  'Twould be more 
appropriate for St. Patrick's Day, but a delightful story this is.  The lass 
who narrates the story has returned from America to Ireland, where she goes 
skinny dipping in a bucolic wilderness stream and is accosted by a brawny lad 
who mistakes her for a water nymph.  Well, to meet a nymph is good luck, but 
to have intercourse with one means death; but the young man figures, "What a 
way to go!"  They don't actually SLEEP together, so I suppose the guy lived 
happily ever after.

Ratings for "Faerie Tale I"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (Kansica@aol.com).  
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205596051
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205538701
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539318
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539669

On a whim, the beautiful blonde lady decides to have her picture taken with 
the mall's Santa Claus.  When he asks her what she wants for Christmas, she 
replies, "Well, mom thinks I need a man. Could you bring me a gorgeous 
specimen of a man?"

{At a recent Christmas party, the Santa Claus asked my husband what he 
wanted.  He replied, "Can I have a copy of your list of naughty girls?"  When 
Santa demurred, my husband said, "OK.  I'll settle for your list of NICE 
girls."  I think I'll keep him!}

When Santa asks her if she's been a good girl, she replies that she has been 
quite slutty, and she feels his ears with dirty but delicious details.  Of 
course, she is sitting on his lap during this part of the narrative.  Anyway, 
Santa assures her that it's sometimes nice to be naughty and asks her to meet 
him after work.  It seems that Mrs. Claus no longer has much interest in 
sexual activity other than missionary style once a month.  Santa needs relief 
from his hectic life, and he'd like Jennifer to help out.  Mrs. Claus has no 
objections, but she has insisted that Santa never have missionary-style sex 
with another woman.  {No wonder Santa laughs so much!}  Santa is free to 
engage in sexual intercourse in any other position, with the further 
stipulation that he videotape each encounter to protect himself from being 
sued or arrested for rape.  Got your attention yet?  Check this story out for 
yourself!

Oh!  I forgot to tell you - Santa is looking for the right woman to give to 
his helpers as a reward for their good work throughout the holidays.  They so 
seldom have time to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh....

This is a VERY creative and stimulating story!

Ratings for "Santa's Cumming"
Athena (technical quality):9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

<end of part 1>
<continued in part 2>

-- 
If you enjoyed this work, take a moment to email the author.  Your comments
are their only payment.  Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is
copyright with all rights reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
+----------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `--------------+
| <story-submit@asstr.org>            | <story-admin@asstr.org>            |
| ASSM Archive site +-----------------+--------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ |
| <http://assm.asstr.org/>---<http://assm.asstr.org/erotica/assm/faq.html> |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| This newsgroup is moderated by ASSTR, an entity supported by donations.  |
| If you enjoy this newsgroup, please consider making a donation to help   |
| Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository keep providing this free service for you.|
| <http://www.asstr.org/> Donations: <http://www.asstr.org/donations.html> |
\_________________________________________________________________________/


