Celestial Reviews 200 - July 19, 1997

Note: Those annoying spammers must have a purpose in life, and 
their behavior must be motivated, at least in the loose sense of 
the word.  It seems obvious to me that the reason advertising 
spammers do their thing here is because people respond to their 
ads.  Therefore, it seems unlikely that they will stop; and it's 
pointless to reason with them by saying that their spam is rude 
and inappropriate.  They seem to suspect that there are thousands 
of horny, hungry people out there who really do want to know where 
they can find a Sperm-berping Queen or Teen Cheerleaders Who Fuck 
Like Bunnies Doggy Style.

The suggestion I have proposed (actually suggested by someone 
else, who will remain anonymous) is for real a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. 
posters to put the abbreviation of the newsgroup at the beginning 
of the title line {ASS}.  This is likely to catch the eye of a 
person who is looking for non-spam.

I think we have to admit that the spammers are not going to go 
away.  We can simply ask for their respect.  In fact, I think we 
can even ask for their cooperation.  That is, it would be nice if 
spammers would refrain from using my proposed convention {ASS} to 
mislabel their spam.  It would be even nicer if they would label 
their spam clearly.  For example, one of the spammers has recently 
started to put a dash at the beginning of each of his spam title 
lines.  This not only draws attention to his clever 
advertisements, it also enables me to skip his stuff {because I am 
not interested}, while someone else can find it more easily 
{because they need access to high quality Girls Guaranteed to 
Please}.  In fact, I hereby promise that if I ever need a spam 
product or service, I'll patronize only those commercial spammers 
who advertise their THOUSANDS OF BITCHES SLOBBERING ON CUM SQ in 
this forthright manner.  "Forthright" - that could be the title of 
the story when Bob advertises Jeanette's services in order to pay 
the expenses of the new little Brennan, whose future existence was 
announced in "For Bearing."

Second note: I was the recipient of an application of the Blowjob 
Principle recently.  One of my main goals is to make the Blowjob 
Principle as popular as, say, Murphy's Law.  That is, someday I 
hope that someone will go into the office of the high school 
principal and say, "You goddam idiot!  Don't you even understand 
that the Blowjob Principle applies here?  If a person expects to 
get a second blow job, the recipient should make the giver glad to 
have performed the first."  And the principal will say, "You're 
right.  You did a good job teaching your English class, and I 
neglected to show my appreciation."  Then he'll give the other 
person a blowjob; but since the Blowjob Principle is actually a 
metaphor, the principal will actually give the teacher a raise or 
public praise or something like that - unless he doesn't know what 
a metaphor is.

Simply summarized in its application to this group, the Blowjob 
Principle states that if you enjoy a story and hope to see more 
like it, you should express your appreciation to the author.  A 
simple note that tells the author you liked the story and why will 
suffice - a literal blowjob is usually unnecessary and often 
impossible.

Second second note: Mike Hunt forwarded this message to me: "Hey, 
got a quick comment about the 'Blowjob Principle,' as expounded by 
Celeste.  You know, that's a great idea and all, but I think it 
works in reverse, too--it's kinda disheartening when you write 
thanking e-mails to authors, and never hear a pip back from them.  
I've written to two authors so far about two weeks ago, and 
haven't heard a zip back from them.  Whatever."

Well, I don't want to get into problems of infinity here {"Thank 
you for your story!" "Thank you for thanking me for your - er my 
story!" "Thank you for thanking me for thanking you for your 
story...."}.  Nevertheless, I think I should proclaim the Cumshot 
Corollary to the Blowjob Principle.  Essentially, the Cumshot 
Corollary means that if someone goes out of his/her way to make 
you glad that you gave him/her a blowjob, you should express your 
own appreciation by cumming courteously and copiously.  Within the 
constrictions of the Law of Conservation of Cum, this means that 
you should endeavor to make the relationship reciprocally 
rapturous.  In my own case, I cannot possibly reply individually 
to everyone who corresponds with me, and so I resort to the 
Groupsex Policy and simply try to continue writing good reviews 
and maybe incorporate into my reviews some of the comments my 
correspondents have made to me.

The opposite of the Cumshot Corollary is the Fuckoff Fallacy, 
which may cause the whole process to break down. I'll assume that 
the Fuckoff Fallacy is self-explanatory and will explain it no 
further. {Incidentally, in education courses we discuss "behavior 
modification."  The professor waxes eloquent on topics like 
positive and negative reinforcement, extinction, etc. I trust you 
teachers out there can see that behavior mod is really Blowjob 
Theory.  Try to remember to call it by the right name in 
professional discussions.}

I wish to take this opportunity to thank Mike's correspondent for 
his comment, and I hope he enjoys what I am imagining doing to him 
right now.

Third note:  Several people have asked how they can post stories 
anonymously.  Here is some information on anonymous services.  In 
general, these services permit people to post messages without 
using their ordinary email address and without any reasonable 
possibility of their identity being traced.

Information about one such service can be obtained by sending a 
note to admin@anon.nymserver.com or email to 
help@anon.nymserver.com with a blank message line.

In addition to the above service, the a.s.s.m. FAQ lists these two 
web sites that offer free anonymous remailing services: 
www.POBoxes.com and II. www.Mailmasher. Another service available 
through email can be found at www.EDTec.com.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my 
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica
            Ahsmacker" by Tom Bombadil (silly, suspenseful sex).
            10, 10, 10
      "Victorian Gentleman" by John Dark (newlyweds) 10, 9, 9
      "Clarissa Meets Alex Mack" by MrBaytes (sci fi teen sex)
            10, 9, 9
      "Tryout" by Friar Dave (threeways & moreways) 10, 10, 10
      "Desert Lust" by Dennis, Stephi, and Kathy (silly slutty 
sex)
            4, 4, 4
      "Gully Washer" by Uther Pendragon (geriatric sex) 
            10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews:

      "Movie" by Ann (porn movie sex) 9, 8, 7.5
      "As the Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (sexual problems)
      "Rules of Engagement" by Unknown Author (prostitution
            & porn sex) 9, 10, 8
      "Journey to Carlin" by Remmelt de Haan (medieval fantasy)
            10, 10, 10
      "Infidelity" by Cold Comfort (X-Men story) 8, 10, 9
      "Wolf Dream" by Unknown Author (mood story with 
            bestiality?) 10, 10, 10
      "Role Reversal" by The Reverend (science fiction)

Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been 
reposted):

    * "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom 
            parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
    * "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike 
            (sitcom parody) 10, 7, 5
    * "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (Sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
    * "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 
    * "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
            10, 10, 10
    * "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
            (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
    * "Coach" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
    * "Blossom: First Date" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
            10, 9, 8
    * "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike 
            (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
    * "Home Improvement" by Uncle Mike 
            (sitcom parody) 10, 8. 8
    * "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (television parody) 
            10, 10, 10
    * "The Brady Bunch"  by Uncle Mike (sitcom orgy) 10, 9, 9
    * "Married with Children" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
            10, 8, 8
    * "Fame" by Uncle Mike (music & sex) 10, 10, 10

"The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker" by 
Tom Bombadil (mrdouble@ix.netcom.com).  This is a sexually 
explicit version of a cliffhanger - one of those media productions 
that used to exist as television serials and which one can still 
find on the cartoon channel on cable TV.  This episode begins with 
Angelica Ahsmacker and her faithful sidekick, Tiny Silvertongue, 
hanging over a cliff.  Not really, of course.  Angelica is 
actually tied to a log and about to be bisected laterally by a 
buzz saw.  As the author puts it: "It was a race between the awful 
arms of that molestation machine and the terrible teeth of that 
spinning saw to see which would be the first to delve deep into 
the defenseless damsel's dampening divinity."

I enjoy this sort of thing immensely.  This author is creative in 
both his plot development and in his use of language.  {I enjoy 
cunning linguists.}  If you like humor and alliteration with your 
sex, you'll enjoy this story.

Ratings for "Angelica Ahsmacker"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Victorian Gentleman" by John Dark (john_dark@anon.nymserver.com).  
This is a story that was too late for my Second Third Annual 
Celestial Short Story Contest.  Like most of those stories, it 
comes with a surprise twist late in the story.  The very straight 
Victorian gentleman has brought his wife home, but since she is 
very tired, he decides to let her go to sleep in her separate 
bedroom and then be deflowered in the morning.  He wakes up early, 
and with lustful eagerness.... You'll have to read the story for 
yourself to find out what happens.

Ratings for "Victorian Gentleman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Clarissa Meets Alex Mack" by MrBaytes (mrbaytes@aol.com).  This 
is a relatively well written and sexy story about adolescent girls 
getting it on together.  It is supposed to be based on the Alex 
Mack Nickelodeon TV show.  The problem is that the story really 
does almost nothing with science fiction, which is the main tenet 
behind the TV series.  We have the advantage of being able to 
picture Alex and Clarissa as real people, but they act pretty much 
like any other adolescent girls with an attraction to one another. 
Aside form that flaw, this is a pretty good story.

Ratings for "Clarissa Meets Alex Mack"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com).  The reader 
immediately gets immersed in the action right from the start - 
Jerry comes out of the shower, finds his wife already turned on 
from reading a sexy magazine, starts fucking her, has her read the 
magazine out loud to him, and then finishes her off.  In her pre-
Jerry life, Connie was interested in other women; and Jerry has a 
liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure she's clean, don't cut 
THEIR time together, and talk about it if the attachment seems to 
be getting more than essentially physical.  In other words, Jerry 
"is able to remain sanguine in the face of Connie's sapphic 
escapades."  I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to just plain buoyant 
when he joins the ladies himself.  Read the story for details.

This is really hot stuff.  It almost makes me suspect that the 
author delights in the thought that maybe his readers will get 
turned on while they read this story.

The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice 
"aureoles."  I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar 
on areolas.  However, because I learned some interesting things 
about sextoys, I won't even dock him for his misspelling of the a-
word.

Ratings for "Tryout"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Desert Lust" by Dennis, Stephi, and Kathy (Kristen's Collection).  
I have to admit that I downloaded this story just because it was 
labeled desert.txt, and I wanted to see if the author had 
misspelled "dessert" - which has 2 s's, because you always want 
two helpings of dessert.  Nope, it's actually about a lady's 
encounter with a mechanic who licks her popsickle and a with a 
biker gang in the desert.  The mechanic and his brother are both 
well hung and call her bitch, since they are black men.  The 
bikers are Latino men who smell like beer and are covered with 
tattoos; but we don't find out exactly what they do to the ladies, 
who have become sexually excited by riding on the "hog's," because 
the story just ends.  It will be continued if there's enough 
demand.

Ratings for "Desert Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

"Gully Washer" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx10.nyx.net).  This 
is actually a revision of a first draft, but the modifications are 
substantial enough to justify new ratings and a placement with the 
new stories.

"Lust is only the present."  So says the author in this story.  
Lots of stories posted with this newsgroup are about lust.  This 
story also has a past; and it's about more than simple lust.  As 
the man and woman make love together while their children and 
grandchildren sleep in the house during the rainstorm, memories of 
times past come into the man's mind and give additional meaning to 
their sexual activities.  I like lust; it makes the world go 
round.  But love based on a common history sure is nice too.

This is an imaginative story.  You don't think grandparents 
actually get naked and do it with each other, do you?  As I grow a 
little older and can vaguely foresee the day when someone will ask 
my own grandchildren that question, I hope my descendants will 
say, "Yep!  And I'll bet she enjoys dirty stories too!"

We have one interesting typo that was missed by the spellcheck:  
"He lay her in bliss on their honeymoon...." There should be an 
"e" at the end of "her."  Other than that, this is a good story 
that has become better.  While I enjoy the raw sex of "Tryout," I 
also find room in my libido for the gentle, sentimental lovemaking 
of this story.

Ratings for "Gully Washer"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

The following guest review was written by Kim.

"Movie" by Ann (Ann0not@aol.com). Well folks it's lil'ol me, Kim, 
who's been asked by her highness to come up with a review of a 
genuine ASS story. If you're surprised then you should see how I 
feel. Anyway, the next issue is should I go undercover? Even tho' 
I'd thought up a pretty good alias (Shirley Not), I decided that 
M1ke was right and it's only fair that you should know who to 
flame, so here goes...

The general plot of 'Movie' is of a young woman who tries her hand 
at starring in a porn movie. It begins in a school with the woman 
getting her break via a friend whose brother owns the studio where 
the porn film is to be shot. It's not clear whether the woman is a 
student or a teacher. I was kinda hoping it was the teacher, then 
I might have been able to squeeze in a joke about 'Celeste goes to 
Hollywood' or something, but I digress.

Anyway, she duly arrives and proceeds to have protracted oral sex 
with the lead male of the film. Written entirely from the female's 
POV, there are lengthy descriptions of what it's like to apply the 
blow job principle three times in a row to the same man. All this 
action seems to stun the film crew into open-mouthed awe. Not only 
that, it gets the lady film director all hot and bothered to such 
an extent that she demands some personal action after they've 
finished shooting for the day.

Unfortunately, at this point, we come up against the dreaded 'to 
be continued...' so it's hard to know where it's all going to end. 
Well, what did I think about it? Hmmm, well I guess I generally 
liked it. It's got a couple of problems tho'. Firstly it dwells 
exclusively with oral sex, which, granted there are much worse 
things to dwell on. Secondly it's written in a very
dispassionate style. It's almost like a documentary rather than an 
action drama. I imagine the first problem will be addressed as 
subsequent chapters become available. As for the second problem, 
well that's purely personal anyway; many of you may appreciate the 
relentlessly authentic style. Despite the lack of passion, I look 
forward to the continuing adventures of our heroine Anne and her 
film-making escapades. I also await the video :)

Ratings for "Movie"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 7.5

The following guest review was written by Mike Hunt.

"As The Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net). I hate 
to slam another writer's work. Especially when the author cares 
about the quality of his craft, as Hawk Richards seems to. 
Previous efforts earned low marks, and he cared enough to correct 
his technical errors and fix logic jumps to move Celeste's ratings 
from a 7-6-8 to straight 10's for the same story! Whatever he did 
in that rewrite, he should do for this one.

"As The Paige Turns" takes a good premise and eschews the 
perfunctory sex that litters so many a.s.s. stories. Alas, the 
writer gets twisted in his own words, as in the sentence "With no 
makeup, she still made embodied an elegant European beauty of high 
cheekbones and mesmerizing eyes." Or how about "Well . . .," he 
hesitated while gathering his thought if only for a moment, then 
unglued his gaze as he said, "I'm seem to be uninterested."

Sorry. I'm in the camp that says overwrought narration, typos, and 
bad grammar destroy the enjoyment of a story. _Even_ a cute one. 
_Even_ a quite original tale about a guy who can only get it up 
when reading <alt.sex.stories> with a modem burbling in the 
background. _Even_ a good yarn where the lady shrink wants to play 
with herself while he talks about his sex problems. _Even_ one 
where the guy likes adventures of Batman or Mickey and Minnie 
Mouse fucking.

There's a whole lot of story in "As the Paige Turns" by Hawk 
Richards. Unfortunately it's buried under all the words.

The following review was written by Michael K. Smith.

"Rules of Engagement" by Unknown Author (gregorsson@aol.com). This 
is an interesting story. A little strange, a little cold-blooded 
for my taste, but interesting. Simon, stuck for the moment in a 
bivouac in the Saudi desert, is lonely for his wife, ardent lover, 
and business partner, Sue. Straightforward enough, right? But Sue 
is a semi-retired high-money hooker. For that matter, so is Simon.

The two met in New London, both working for Sam, a flesh merchant 
with a heart-of-gold -- sort of. Simon supplied muscle to keep the 
johns in line and protect the girls but he soon was roped into the 
trade himself. (His being willing to suck cock as well as screw 
the girls and orchestrate fantasies for the customers probably had 
something to do with this....)

He and Sue have numerous adventures (in flashback) with sailors, 
businessmen, a black U.S. Attorney, and even a priest, but they 
eventually have entrepreneurial ambitions and go into the porn 
business. Then the Gulf War comes along and the story is built 
around their lascivious correspondence.

Some odd digressions make me wonder about the author's own 
background and experiences (besides obviously having been in the 
army). An example is an extended discussion of the engineering 
limitations of condoms and their use in applied psychology. Using 
special-order condoms a couple inches shorter than usual makes the 
customers think they've grown longer than usual. As Sue comments, 
"illusion is the key to pleasing men." (An astute observation 
indeed.)

The style is bald narrative, which may be enough when the action 
is as complex as it is here. And the plot is certainly well 
thought out and clearly developed. However, I can't say any of the 
sexual descriptions, as vivid as they often are, really aroused me 
much, which is too bad. But I'm a romantic.

The author gets off some pretty good lines, though, such as: 
"Somehow Simon made the girls all feel good about being whores." 
Also, "Fucking for money is hard work, and a girl can't always 
relax enough to have an orgasm." (The one ex-hooker I've known in 
my life would certainly have agreed with that!)

My only real complaint is that the reader must stop at the 
beginning of each chapter to reorient himself. The narrative 
starts with Simon in first person, switches to omniscient third 
person but still focused on Simon, then back to first person again 
-- and then to _Sue_ in first person, followed by third person 
again but with Sue's POV! And then it's back to Simon in various 
modes. That's way too much switching around of viewpoints for me!

Also, gratuitous spelling and punctuation errors are rare early in 
the story but become a good deal thicker as you read; I suspect 
the author simply got tired of cleaning up his typos.

And by the way, it _is_ a good idea to put "END" at the end of a 
multi-chapter story, just so the reader doesn't wonder if he's 
missing a section -- especially when the narrative simply stops, 
as it does here, instead of properly ending.

Ratings for "Rules of Engagement"
Technical quality: 9
Plot and character: 10
Appeal to reviewer: 8

The following review was written by Mark Aster.

"Journey to Carlin" by Remmelt de Haan (zarn@rc.service.rug.nl). 
This is a nice, hot, tender story of sex between friends in the 
outdoors, set in a sort of generic pagan-medieval-dungeons-and-
dragons fantasy world.  The author's forward implies that this is 
just one episode in a longer story, or set of stories, not 
necessarily involving sex.  There are a few references to 
characters and events that took place before the present story; 
while they are only passing references, and may annoy readers who 
like all their loose ends tied up, they add richness and a sense 
of context to the present story.

Abigail and Ukko are on the way to Carlin, and they stop by a lake 
to rest the horses and eat and make camp for the night. Abigail 
strips and goes for a swim, and invites Ukko to join her.  This is 
not just a story about two people fucking.  The two are comrades 
and colleagues and friends, but have never made love before; the 
author gives us Ukko's point of view as he gradually realizes that 
she is interested in extending their relationship in that 
direction, and by the time they're screwing wildly on the blanket, 
150 lines into the story, we've gotten to know them rather well.  
The author uses various stock devices of fantasy fiction (horses, 
crossbows, armor, names of deities), and adds some interesting sex 
language: orgasm is "joining the stars" or "leaving" (as opposed 
to "coming"!), sexual positions have names like "the Crane" and 
"the Faceless Unicorn", and simultaneous orgasm is a "Lover's 
Journey".  Something like that, anyway.  If you hate and despite 
generic fantasy fiction, this may bother you; if you love it, 
you'll love this.  If you're not sure, give it a try; nice hot sex 
isn't a bad way to be introduced to a genre!

I don't do numbers, but I'd guess that Celeste would give this 
straight 10's, unless she doesn't like quasi-medieval fantasy, in 
which case it might lose a point or so on the Celeste rating...

Ratings for "Journey to Carlin" (Added by Celeste)
Technical quality: 10
Plot and character: 10
Appeal to reviewer: 10

The following review was written by BluePencil.

"Infidelity" by Cold Comfort.  A reviewer is never supposed to 
admit lack of knowledge; if not against the union rules it's 
considered to be a sign of weakness, or moral lassitude, or lack 
of a sufficiently overblown ego.  I don't like to admit to any of 
them, especially the last, but an admission must be made: I 
haven't followed the X-Men in years.

My first impulse on receiving "Infidelity" to review was to go 
borrow my nephew's comics collection and start reading.  Most fan 
fiction assumes you already know all the characters and situations 
involved.  It spares the writer the problem of setting up a 
coherent background and character development, but has the 
sometimes thornier dual problem of explaining things well enough 
for the reader who _doesn't_ know the background while not loosing 
the interest or violating the expectations of those who do.

If I haven't yet made it clear, "Infidelity" is an X-Men fan 
story.  And despite a few minor technical flaws (mainly typos and 
present/past tense mixups), a very well written fan story.  More, 
it is a very well written sex story.

The plot line is simple enough: Jean Gray accidentally finds out 
that her husband, Scott Summers (Cyclops) is having an affair with 
her friend and teammate Elisabeth Braddock (Psylocke).  She is 
hurt, bewildered, and out for revenge.

A fairly normal reaction, except that most of us don't have 
mysterious mutant psionic powers to help with the last.  It looks 
like Psylocke is in big trouble.  And Cyclops may have to wash his 
own bologna for a while - assuming he still has one.  But wait! 
Psylocke has a good reason for her actions and can explain 
everything - if Jean will just come by her room at midnight.

To give more detail would be telling.  Jean comes, is given a very 
detailed explanation by Psylocke and her pain-in-the-ass husband, 
and after chewing both their asses out thoroughly decides to 
forgive them.  Read the story. This synopsis is both accurate and 
potentially misleading.  Even for those who don't normally care 
for fan stories or the X-Men may be pleasantly surprised.

Ratings for "Infidelity"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9

The following guest review was written by BronwenSM:

"Wolf Dream" by Unknown Author (powerguy@worldnet.att.net). This 
story brought home to me just how lazy I am. What with the title 
and the furry resume it would've had in the listings, I wouldn't 
have bothered reading it. And I'd have missed a good thing.

A woman enjoying a solitary holiday ride over the mountains stops 
for the night. She camps out under the stars, falls asleep and 
dreams of a truly delicious sexual encounter. But with whom? Is he 
a man - is he a wolf? And was it a dream....

I was sorry my old man was asleep when I finished this. It's a 
sensual, atmospheric story and, happily, the action is physically 
possible. Don't know about you, but I find it off-putting if I'm 
following a story move-by-move and the characters do something 
they couldn't in the position they've reached. I also liked the 
woman's attitude. She was comfortable camping alone and seemed at 
ease throughout the story. Nothing stereotyped here.

Minor quibbles: in my experience it takes longer than two lines to 
build a decent fire. But then that's not what we were there for... 
Do women have 'tresses' any more? - especially women who wear 
sports bras (good touch). Tresses went out with Tennyson - and if 
they didn't they should have. And one growl during sexual arousal 
is enough. We got the message. Cut the growling.

Ratings for "Wolf Dream" 
Athena (technical quality): 10 
Venus (plot & character): 10 
BronwenSM (appeal to reviewer): 10

The following guest review was written by Purple Shade:

"Role Reversal" by The Reverend.  Once again the author returns us 
to the U.S.S. Voyager and the lust filled desires of Kathryn 
Janeway.  As in "Let The Punishment Fit The Crime," the good 
Captain's sexual partner is again the half-Klingon engineer of the 
Voyager, B'Elanna Torres.  As with many examples of this road well 
traveled, a certain touch of dominance appears on the horizon.  On 
first examination, it looks like the story will follow the 
familiar path, when it suddenly veers off on an unexpected 
turnabout.  Hence the title, "Role Reversal".  All in all, an 
enjoyable tale once more.

In my review of The Reverend's prior two Voyager stories I erred  
in assuming that this was a new author.  In finally going through 
the last two months' downloads, I found a few other female/female 
stories by The Reverend on subjects other than Star Trek: Voyager.  
If you missed them as well, it would be worth a search for them.  
{Note from Celeste: An easy way to do this is to go into DejaNews; 
find one of The Reverend's stories; and then do an "Author Search" 
for the others.}

* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Two female teachers at Walt 
Whitman High School go for a run.  They need a shower afterwards, 
but a gym class is using the girls' showers.  The coaches' shower 
is also in use.  Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, they 
decide to sneak into the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but 
they startle a straggler who is still taking his shower.  Some 
horseplay follows, and then they get into some hot threeway sex.  
I remember seeing a few episodes of "Room 222," but I don't have a 
clear recollection of it.  I can't really evaluate this as a 
parody, but I found it to be a pretty good story in its own right.

Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Miss Hathaway takes Elly May out 
to some shops and helps her purchase lots of new clothes.  Elly 
May doesn't see the point of all this.  Then Miss Hathaway buys 
Elly May a swimsuit, notices that the girl's tan lines are wrong, 
and instructs her to lie outside and get a suntan.  She does, and 
she gets fucked by the family goat.  That's right: the family 
goat.  Kinda surprises you, doesn't it?  I mean, if you were going 
to write a parody about this really sexy girl from the hills who 
comes to a rich community along with her stupid hunk of a brother 
and her other illiterate relatives, would you have the only sex be 
with the family goat?  Kinda gets your goat, doesn't it?

Ratings for "Beverly Hillbillies"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
Richie Cunningham has to baby-sit for his little sister Joanie, 
who is not so little any more.  She catches him naked with a hard-
on from thinking about his girlfriend; and she tells him, "Jenny 
Piccolo said guys like it if you touch their things. Can I touch 
yours?"  Richie acquiesces, and they're off to the races.  It 
turns out that Jenny Piccolo also showed Joanie how to perform 
fellatio on a banana.  Actually, Richie discovers that Jenny 
Piccolo taught Joanie so many interesting things that he agrees to 
let Jenny join them the next time they fool around together.  A 
negative side effect of the whole episode is that coaches will no 
longer be able to inspire Richie by saying,  "A tie is like 
kissing your sister."

Ratings for "Happy Days"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). I'm not a big "Love Boat" fan.  
I've watched a few episodes when I was visiting other people, and 
I can recognize most of the characters; but I don't know much 
about their personalities.  And so I might have missed some of the 
subtleties in this parody.

Vickie (the Captain's daughter) has crawled under the bar to do 
some cleaning, and she overhears some valley girls making fun of 
her lack of sexual experience.  That does it!  She decides to lose 
her virginity as soon as possible.  She talks to Isaac, the kindly 
black bartender who usually falls in love with a different black 
chick each voyage, and he very kindly pops her cherry and lets her 
suck his cock.  Wisely, Vickie goes to Doc (the blundering guy in 
the white suit who falls in love with a different white chick 
every voyage) to get herself on the pill; and he suggests that 
maybe she should talk to her father first, before she becomes 
sexually active.  By this time I was into the mood of the story.  
I muttered, "Shut up, Doc.  This is a sex parody of an insipid 
show.  Give her the Pill and then fuck her.  If she talks about it 
with her father, he'll just screw her anyway!"  And so he did; and 
so he did; and so he did; and so did several other people."

Ratings for "Love Boat: Cum Aboard"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  At first I was disappointed with 
this story.  I was expecting a parody of the Bob Newhart Show in 
which Bob plays a psychologist in Chicago.  Instead I found a 
parody of the more recent Bob Newhart Show, in which Bob plays a 
writer who is also the owner of an Inn in New England.  I wasn't 
as familiar with the latter series, and so I expected that I 
wouldn't enjoy the parody as much.  I was very pleasantly 
surprised!

The plot is perfect; it actually fits in with the personalities 
and mannerisms of the characters.  Stephanie (the ditzy, lazy, 
rich girl who is a maid but never does any work) develops a 
rivalry with Joanna, and to prove her case she seduces Dick (the 
Bob Newhart character).  In retaliation, Joanna seduces Michael 
(Stephanie's preppie boyfriend).  In further retaliation, Joanna  
tricks Stephanie into having sex with Larry and his two brothers 
(Daryl and Daryl).  Finally, to make amends Joanna  makes love to 
Stephanie herself.

As I said, the parody is very well done.  For example, it is easy 
to imagine the Bob Newhart character reacting just the way the 
author shows him as he is seduced by the young vixen.  I strongly 
recommend this story.

Ratings for "Newhart"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Doogie Howser is a young 
adolescent - I assume maybe 15 or 16 years old.  A boy genius, he 
has already completed medical school and is an excellent doctor.  
Each week's episode consists of poignant and humorous situations 
that might occur to such a person working in a hospital.  In 
addition to numerous human-interest anecdotes, each episode has a 
common theme running through it - usually having something to do 
with the contrast between Doogie's chronological youth and the 
maturity demanded by his medical work.  To emphasize this 
contrast, Doogie's faithful sidekick Vinnie generally hangs around 
and acts like a normal adolescent.

In this week's episode, Doogie has decided to unload his 
virginity.  There are a couple of humorous or poignant false 
starts, but then he makes it with a corpse down in the morgue.  
That's right.  Uncle Mike has stooped to necrophilia.  Adolescent 
geniuses sometimes have emotional troubles: "God help me, I even 
thought about shoving it in her asshole as well -- but the 
sphincter muscles tend to relax after death, and I didn't want to 
stick my cock into a load of shit."  Vinnie and Doogie conclude 
that Doogie is now a non-virgin, even though the partner was 
"unconscious."

If you're looking for a realistic, erotic sex story, this is not 
it.  On the other hand, if you want to read a good parody, this is 
an excellent story.  The author does a great job of inserting 
bizarre events into the "Doogie Howser" standard format.

Ratings for "Doogie Howser, M.D."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Christine 
has planned a surprise for Hayden.  She has left a provocative 
note inside a special issue of Playboy Magazine, and now she has 
sneaked into his office, wearing nothing but a trench coat and a 
smile.  She has locked the doors, and now she springs the surprise 
upon him.  Actually, SHE's the one who is surprised.  It's not 
Hayden there behind the Playboy centerfold, but Dauber, who gives 
her cunt the ride of her life.

This short piece is good - but it's not among Uncle Mike's best.

Ratings for "Coach"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Blossom: First Date" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Nick is having trouble getting a 
date.  He needs something to do on Saturday night, and his sons 
have made excuses; his wonderful, kind-hearted daughter agrees to 
go to dinner with him.  He is worried about Blossom. He has done 
the best he could raising her on his own these last few years 
since the divorce, but secretly he fears he hasn't done enough. Is 
she ready for adulthood -- and adult relationships? One son is a 
recovering addict, another -- not to put it too bluntly -- dumb as 
a rock. Blossom is his last hope.

Well, she kisses well, and gives good head; and her cherry pops 
pretty easily.  In fact, she's pretty good in the sack.

I am not a "Blossom" aficionado, and so it was hard for me to 
grasp the satire.  The characters came across as horny, insipid 
fools; but I suspect that the author was poking fun at the show.  
Maybe you Blossomites out there will enjoy this one more than I 
did.

Ratings for "Blossom"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  I have never watched an entire 
episode of "Father Dowling."  I may be wrong, but I had the 
impression that it had something to do with a priest and nun 
working together to solve crimes; but this story has no detective 
work in it.  Since I know so little, I won't try to comment any 
further than that on how well this story works as a parody.

The story focuses on Father Prestwick, who is hearing confessions.  
Most of the penitents are old ladies and children, whose "sins" 
are boring; but then in comes Mrs. Klimaszewski, the woman in her 
early 30's who wears no bra and whose husband is out of town and 
who confesses her sins of masturbating and getting it on with the 
newspaper boy.  Since that session has already turned him on, 
Father feels predisposed to prod <g> a little when Sister 
Stephanie comes in to confess her sins; and pretty soon Sister 
Steve has another sin - or several sins, depending on how you 
count - to confess the next time she drops by the confessional.

I honestly believe that Catholic priests have gotten a bad rap in 
recent years.  I think they are every bit as upright and virtuous, 
although certainly not as intelligent, as English teachers; and I 
really don't think they are any more likely to behave 
unprofessionally than other people who work closely with people.  
I really doubt that the sort of thing described in this story 
happens very often.  But it sure makes a good story!

Ratings for "Father Dowling"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Home Improvement: Do Not Go Gentle" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Jonathan and Zachary play the 
roles of the two older kids on "Home Improvement."  Shooting has 
been canceled for the day because Tim (the star) and Taron (the 
other kid) got injured and had to go to the hospital when Taron 
tried to hit Tim across the knee with a real board that the other 
kids had convinced Taron was a  phony board and Tim had dropped 
onto Taron a belt sander which he was not holding very securely 
because of a burn he had suffered on the job.  There!  That should 
demonstrate the importance of using several short, clear sentences 
in place of one long sentence.  If the preceding wasn't clear, 
don't worry.  It wasn't important anyway: it was just a setup, so 
that Jon and Zach can visit Pat (the female lead) in her dressing 
room and have sex with her.

The mischievous lads' basic theory is that since they're probably 
going to be fired from the show anyway, they'll rape Pat and then 
have the producers pay them off so they won't tell the tabloids 
they did it.  American children are so creative!  More precisely, 
Pat will come out of her dressing room and notice that nobody else 
is there, but she will assume that it is a surprise party or a 
bloopers out-take and will just hop into the bed when the guys ask 
her to do so.  This is so crazy it just might work!  But they'll 
probably have to tie her up.

Ratings for "Home Improvement"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  
Dan Rather had initially been miffed at having Connie Chung 
assigned as his co-anchor; but of late he has begun to enjoy the 
visual pleasantries of having a hot chick to look at during breaks 
in the evening news.  Imagine his surprise when Connie confides in 
him that she and Maury are having trouble getting pregnant.  
Imagine his further surprise when she asks Dan to be the sperm 
donor - right there on her couch!  This is a hot an sexy story.  
I'll have to switch from NBC to CBS for my evening news.

The Bad News is that Max Wojtylak recently announced that he is 
almost out of these parodies.  As you may know, Max himself did 
not write these stories; his Uncle Mike did, and Max simply found 
the stories when he was cleaning up the hard drive or something 
like that.  My advice to Max is to get Norton Utilities and run 
the Unerase program; maybe there are another ten or so stories 
buried there.  If that doesn't work, try a seance.  I really like 
these stories; and oddly enough, Uncle Mike seems to write better 
the longer he's been dead.  Imagine that!

Ratings for "CBS Evening News"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "The Brady Bunch"  by Uncle Mike. (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) 
This story raises an interesting question: "What kind of architect 
would make the six kids in his blended family share one bathroom?" 

The basic plot of this series centered around the minor problems 
the three boys and three girls have getting along with each other.  
This week's episode is no exception.  While Bobby and Greg are 
raping Marcia in the shower, she slips and accidentally impales 
her cunt on Peter's rigid cock.  Meanwhile, Greg loses his 
balance, and his penis inadvertently slips firmly into Marcia's 
mouth.  Imagine that.  Stranger things have happened on American 
sitcoms.  This turns out to be such a pleasant experience that 
Marcia simply has to share her pleasure with her sister Jan.  So 
she sends Cindy (who is to young for this sort of thing) to sleep 
with Mom (and presumably with Dad) and then goes to work on Jan.  
Soon we have Marcia sitting on Jan's face while one guy has a cock 
buried in Jan's cunt and the other has his rammed down Marcia's 
throat.  Then Mom opens the door and catches them, but she just 
joins in.  That's how they all became the Brady Bunch.  Sing along 
now: That's how they all became the Brady Bunch - the Brady Bunch!

Ratings for "The Brady Bunch"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Married with Children" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  It's Bud's birthday, and he has 
decided to take care of his own presents this year.  To make a 
long story short, he tricks his sister and eventually his mother 
into having sex with him by making them think they are helping him 
with his magic tricks.  This is not a bad story, but it's not up 
to some of the brilliant stuff Uncle Mike has written in the past.  
Although the present story is closer to perfect stylistically and 
grammatically, I thought the "Married with Children" story posted 
a month ago by King Pach (reviewed in CR 128) was a much more 
interesting episode.

Ratings for "Married with Children"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "Fame" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  This story 
is based on the movie and television series of the same title; but 
knowledge of those shows is unnecessary.  This story about a 
teacher and student rehearsing for a dance performance stands on 
its own. It is replete with arpeggios, counterpoints, dramatic 
leaps, abrupt pirouettes, and other subtleties that rarely occur 
in light-hearted sex stories.  Once the sweat kicks in and the 
music charges the emotions, Miss Grant begins to look literally 
lewd and lascivious in her lovely, lithe, and luscious little 
leotard that covers her palpably pulsating pussy while her pupil 
plays the piano.  Lost in a delightful daydream about driving his 
desperate dick into the dark cunt of his teacher and fatefully 
fantasizing about her eyes flashing during the forthcoming 
fellatio, Bruno strikes a heavy chord when he would have preferred 
to remove her g-string, and his faux pas draws the teacher's 
attention to his engorged love wand and reminds her that perhaps 
he has a different form of rhapsody on his mind.

As Miss Grant changes into her costume behind the portable 
blackboard, Bruno realizes that her taut brown body is naked 
before him but for that one obstruction, and he tries to regain 
his composure by concentrating on the middle arpeggio while 
stroking his middle appendage.  To make a long story brief, 
shortly after Miss Grant praises him and encourages him to just 
keep it up, Bruno comes wildly in his pants while the devilish 
dancer accidentally brushes against his beleaguered body. As he 
finishes the piece, she moves away and comments, "Perfect tempo, 
Mr. Martelli, but you finished too quickly."  More practice seems 
to be in order - but only after she checks and tunes his 
instrument.  Damn!  He'll have to tell his mother the teacher kept 
him after school.

A faux pas occurs! This is a school for the gifted.  Shouldn't "I 
never thought a teacher could suck cock so good" be more fittingly 
rendered, "I had not realized that a teacher could fellate so 
felicitously"?

This is an exceptionally well-written story.  The description and 
integration with the musical theme was so well done that I 
practically came just reading about the dance scenario - before 
there was any actual sexual contact.  Then the actual sex was even 
more vivid.  I strongly recommend this story!

Ratings for "Fame"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

Grammar Tip of the Week:

