



                 CHARLIE'S ANGELS UNTHROTTLED 

                             by 

                          Joe Doe


HOLLYWOOD WAS REPORTEDLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE TEPID PERFORMANCE OF 
THIS SEQUEL TO A REMAKE.  PERHAPS THEY SHOULD HAVE TRIED FOR FEWER 
EXPLOSIONS, BUT MORE FIREWORKS.... 



CAST 

Dylan Sanders: Drew Barrymore

Alex Mundy: Lisa Liu

Natalie Cook: Cameron Diaz
 

Opening Credits 

NOTE THAT THE SEQUENCE WOULD BE SHOT IN THE MANNER OF THE 70S 
NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW, WITH NUDITY STRONGLY SUGGESTED, BUT 
NEVER EXPLICITLY SHOWN.  

CHARLIE'S VOICE-OVER: Once upon a time there were three beautiful 
girls who went to the police academy.... 

CAMERA SHOWS TWO UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS TALKING IN WHAT APPEARS 
TO BE A LARGE CEMENT ROOM.  THE FIRST OFFICER IS IN A DRESS 
UNIFORM; THE SECOND IS WEARING FATIGUES. 

OLDER, UNIFORMED OFFICER: We have a fine looking group of female 
cadets this year. 

SECOND OFFICER (IN FATIGUES): You can say that again, sir! 

THE CAMERA ROTATES TO REVEAL THAT THE MEN ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF 
A LARGE GANG SHOWER IN THE WOMAN'S LOCKER ROOM.  AS THE CAMERA 
MOVES IN TIGHTER, IT REVEALS THE BARE BACKS OF ALEX, DYLAN, AND 
NATALIE SHOWERING TOGETHER IN THE CONCRETE SHOWER. 

CLOSEUP ON A SIDE VIEW OF THE THREE WOMEN, REVEALING THEIR BARE 
SHOULDERS.  ALEX LOOKS NERVOUSLY BEHIND HER AT THE TWO LEERING 
OFFICERS.  SHE IS CLEARLY EMBARRASSED AND BITES HER LIP ANXIOUSLY 
AS A BLUSHING NATALIE PASSES HER THE SOAP. 

CHARLIE'S VOICE-OVER: And they were each assigned to very hazardous 
duties.... 


INTERIOR OF A HOTEL ROOM.  ALEX IS DRESSED IN A HALTER, RED BOOTS, 
AND SHORT-SHORTS.  HER FACE IS HEAVILY MADE UP IN CLASSIC HOOKER 
STYLE.  SHE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LARGE BLACK PIMP WHO IS WEARING 
A PURPLE HAT.  BEHIND HER IS ANOTHER MAN WITH A GUN. 

ALEX: But I'm not trying to break into your territory.  I'm an 
undercover cop! 

PIMP: Without a badge and gun?    

ALEX: They were in my purse!    

Alex fumbles in her tiny, cheap, empty purse, but the pimp is 
unimpressed.  She points to a tiny pin on her top. 

ALEX: This broach is really a wire!    

ALEX PULLS THE SHIRT CLOSER TO HER MOUTH AND BEINGS TO SHOUT. 

Alex: Backup!  I need backup!  NOW! 

INTERIOR, POLICE CAR.  TWO PUDGY MALE POLICE OFFICERS LAUGH 
HYSTERICALLY AS ALEX'S PANICKED VOICE BLARES OVER THE RADIO.  
ONE OF THE OFFICERS PLAYFULLY TOYS WITH ALEX'S BADGE AND GUN.  
THE OTHER IS LAUGHING SO HARD THAT HE ALMOST DROPS HIS DOUGHNUT 
AND SPILLS HIS COFFEE. 

ALEX'S VOICE OVER RADIO: Backup!  I need backup NOW! 

INTERIOR, HOTEL ROOM. 

PIMP: If you wants to ho on my street, I get 50%!  But first I gots 
t'make sure that you is good enough to work in my stable.... 

THE PIMP SPINS ALEX AROUND AND BENDS HER OVER THE CHAIR.  SHE 
BEGINS TO COUNTER WITH A JUDO MOVE.... 

CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE OTHER FELON IN THE ROOM COCKING HIS GUN AS 
ALEX PREPARES TO MAKE HER MOVE.   

CLOSEUP OF ALEX AS SHE EYES THE GUNMAN.  SHE SIZES UP THE SITUATION 
AND THEN LETS HERSELF GO SLACK. 

CAMERA SHOWS A CLOSEUP OF HER BOOTED FEET AS FIRST HER SHORTS AND 
THEN HER PINK PANTIES DESCEND AROUND HER ANKLES. 

INTERIOR, POLICE CAR: THE TWO OFFICERS LAUGH AS THEY HEAR THE 
PIMP'S VOICE COME OVER THE RADIO. 

PIMP: That's one tight fortune cookie! 


INTERIOR, CLASSROOM AT POLICE ACADEMY.  CAMERA SHOWS NATALIE, 
KNEELING ON ALL FOURS ON A DESK FACING A CAMERA.  SHE IS TOTALLY 
NAKED, AND A CLASSROOM OF MALE POLICE OFFICERS IS STARING AT HER 
BACKSIDE.  SHE IS FACING THE CAMERA AND IS USING HER ARMS TO 
SUPPORT HER WEIGHT.  HER ARMS SHIELD HER NAUGHTY BITS FROM THE 
CAMERA, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT SHE IS COMPLETELY NUDE. 

CAMERA CUTS TO A CLOSEUP OF THE SMILING MALE INSTRUCTOR. 

INSTRUCTOR: I'd like to thank this officer for...uh...volunteering 
to help us with our demonstration of proper cavity search technique. 

NATALIE (grumbling): I didn't volunteer! 

INSTRUCTOR: Whatever.  Now there's no reason to be modest, young 
lady...after all, this is your fourth class today, isn't it?  
Spread your legs like a good little girl so the class can see 
if you have any contraband. 

THE CAMERA DOES A CLOSEUP ON NATALIE'S BLUSHING FACE AS SHE 
GRIMACES AND SHIFTS HER WEIGHT TO MOVE INTO THE PROPER POSITION.  
HER BLUSH DEEPENS AS THE CLASSROOM ERUPTS INTO TITTERS AND EVEN 
A FEW WOLF WHISTLES. 

VOICE 1 FROM OFF-CAMERA: Would you look at that little blonde honey 
pot? 

VOICE 2: I'd like to get a feel of that! 

VOICE 3: Don't worry, you will.  We all will. 

VOICE OF INSTRUCTOR: Did everyone remember to bring their gloves? 

THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE GRINNING MALE OFFICERS IN THE FIRST 
TWO ROWS HOLDING UP THEIR HANDS.  EVERY HAND IS ENCASED IN A 
DISPOSABLE LATEX GLOVE. 

VOICE OF INSTRUCTOR: Excellent!  If you form a line behind the 
suspect we'll get started.  Don't forget to use plenty of lube, 
gentlemen...it will really help out in the tight spots. 

CAMERA CUTS TO CLOSEUP OF NATALIE MUTTERING TO HERSELF. 

NATALIE (under her breath): This whole assignment is a tight spot! 

HER EYES GO WIDE AS WE SEE THE GRINNING MALE OFFICER BEHIND HER 
SLIDE HIS HAND OFF-CAMERA, BUT THE CAMERA CAN SEE HER GRIMACE 
AND GRIT HER TEETH AS HER CAVITY SEARCH BEGINS.... 


INTERIOR, OFFICE.  CAMERA SHOWS DYLAN IN PROFILE WITH HER 
MIDDLE-AGED SUPERIOR OFFICER.  HE IS FAT, UNATTRACTIVE, AND BALD. 

SUPERIOR OFFICER: And what you have to understand, Dylan, is that, 
as a female officer, you have to go along to get along.... 

HE PUSHES DOWN ON HER SHOULDERS GENTLY, AND DYLAN DROPS TO HER 
KNEES.  A LOOK OF DISGUST CROSSES HER FACE AS HE UNZIPS HIS PANTS. 

CLOSEUP ON THE MALE OFFICER, SIDE VIEW, LOOKING DOWN ON DYLAN WITH 
A LEERING SMILE. 

SUPERIOR OFFICER: If you want to stay on the force, Dylan, you're 
going to have to demonstrate the proper respect for your male 
superiors. 

CLOSEUP ON THE MALE OFFICER'S FACE AS HE CLOSES HIS EYES, SMILES, 
AND GRUNTS WITH PLEASURE.   

SUPERIOR OFFICER: OH!  OH!  OH!  OH!  


A QUICK CUT SHOWS ALEX, STILL IN HER HOOKER OUTFIT, COMING OUT OF 
THE STATION. 

ALEX IS JOINED BY DYLAN.  DYLAN IS STILL IN THE UNIFORM SHE WAS 
WEARING IN HER SUPERIOR'S OFFICE, AND SHE HAS A "MILK MUSTACHE."   

LAST, THEY ARE JOINED BY NATALIE.  SHE IS FRESH FROM THE SEARCH 
DEMONSTRATION AND IS WEARING ONLY A TOWEL. 

CHARLIE'S VOICE: But I took them away from all that, and now they 
work for me.  My name is Charlie. 


THE THEME MUSIC SWELLS AS THE AUDIENCE SEES A MONTAGE OF THE 
ANGELS IN VARIOUS UNDERCOVER ASSIGNMENTS: AS ROCK MUSICIANS, 
RACE CAR DRIVERS, STEWARDESSES....   


INTERIOR, SCHOOL HALLWAY.  NATALIE, HER BLONDE HAIR IN PIGTAILS, 
IS DRESSED IN A SCHOOL UNIFORM WITH A WHITE SHIRT, TIE, AND SHORT 
SKIRT.  SHE IS STANDING OUTSIDE A DOOR MARKED "PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE." 
SHE NERVOUSLY FIDGETS AND POLISHES HER SHINY BLACK SHOE AGAINST 
THE BACK OF HER BARE CALF AS SHE LISTENS TO THE VOICES ON THE 
OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.  

FEMALE VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR: Please, sir!  Don't 
spank me on the bare!  I'm 18 years old! 

MALE VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR: Maybe a strong dose of 
humiliation will teach you not to sass your betters! 

CAMERA SHOWS NATALIE UNFOLDING A PINK SLIP OF PAPER SHE WAS HOLDING 
BEHIND HER BACK.   

CLOSE UP ON THE PINK PAPER.  ON THE TOP OF THE FORM ARE THE WORDS, 
"DISCIPLINE PASS." 

THERE IS A SLAPPING SOUND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. 

FEMALE VOICE: Owww!  Please, sir!  I'm sorry I was naughty! 

NATALIE RUBS HER OWN FANNY AND NERVOUSLY BITES HER LIP AS SHE 
LISTENS TO THE SOUNDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.  AS THE 
SECOND SPANK LANDS, SHE JUMPS AS IF SHE HERSELF HAD JUST BEEN 
SLAPPED ON THE FANNY. 

FEMALE VOICE: Owww!  Please, sir!  I'll be good!  I'll never sass 
anyone again! 

CLOSEUP ON NATALIE WINCING AS EACH SPANK LANDS.... 


MUSIC SWELLS AGAIN AS THE MONTAGE CONTINUES.  WE SEE THE ANGELS 
IN THE CIRCUS, THE ANGELS IN A MOTORCYCLE GANG, THE ANGELS AS 
TRUCKERS.   


INTERIOR, PADDED CELL.  DYLAN IS LYING ON THE FLOOR GAGGED AND 
STRAITJACKETED.  SHE STRUGGLES AGAINST HER RESTRAINTS, BUT IT IS 
HOPELESS. 

A SMILING YOUNG ORDERLY, ABOUT 19 YEARS OLD, WALKS IN. 

ORDERLY, IN A SING-SONG VOICE: How are we feeling this morning, 
Dylan?  Did we sleep tight? 

DYLAN STRUGGLES AGAINST HER BONDS IN ANGER.  SHE JERKS WHEN THE 
ORDERLY PUTS HIS HAND ON THE INSIDE OF HER CALF AND STARTS TO RUN 
IT SLOWLY UP HER LEG. 

ORDERLY (speaking softly and slowly, as if to a crazy person): You 
know, you're my favorite patient, Dylan.  Such pretty skin...such 
pretty legs.  Of course, now it's time for your morning enema.  
Hold still while I get the lube....


MUSIC SWELLS AGAIN AS THE MONTAGE RESUMES.  WE SEE THE ANGELS AS 
FASHION MODELS, THE ANGELS AS CHEERLEADERS, AND THE ANGELS ON A 
MOVIE SET. 


INTERIOR, SEEDY STRIP CLUB.  A SMILING COED IN A STYLISH DRESS IS 
WALKING BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF SIX NERVOUS YOUNG WOMEN, 
INCLUDING ALEX. 

STYLISH COED, SMILING CRUELLY: Unfortunately for you, the location 
of tonight's initiation mysteriously leaked out and those darn 
fraternity boys showed up.  And it looks like they brought their 
cameras. 

THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE BLUSHING FACES OF THE HORRIFIED COEDS, 
INCLUDING ALEX.  THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO THE STYLISHLY DRESSED 
PLEDGE MISTRESS AS SHE BEGINS TO SPEAK AGAIN.  

STYLISH COED: And, since you're such a brainiac, Alex, we'll start 
with you.... 

Alex: You want me to strip?  In front of all those FRAT BOYS?  

STYLISH COED (happily): To the skin! 


MUSIC SWELLS AGAIN AS THE MONTAGE CONTINUES.  WE SEE THE ANGELS 
JUMPING OUT OF AN AIRPLANE, THE ANGELS IN SCUBA GEAR, AND THE 
ANGELS DRESSED AS SOLDIERS. 


INTERIOR, ARMY BARRACKS.  SIDE VIEW OF A GENERAL TALKING TO A 
DRILL SERGEANT. 

GENERAL: We have a fine looking group of female recruits this year. 

DRILL SERGEANT: You can say that again, sir! 

CAMERA REVEALS THAT THE MEN ARE STANDING IN A CEMENT ROOM.  AS THE 
CAMERA MOVES, IT REVEALS THE BARE BACKS OF ALEX, DYLAN, AND NATALIE 
SHOWERING TOGETHER IN A LARGE GANG SHOWER THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE 
THE SHOWER AT THE POLICE ACADEMY. 

CLOSEUP ON THE THREE NAKED WOMEN SHOWING ONLY THEIR BARE SHOULDERS. 
ALEX GLARES ANGRILY OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE LEERING MEN.  NATALIE 
SHRUGS AS IF TO SAY, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" AND THEN, ONCE 
AGAIN, PASSES HER THE SOAP.  

ALEX (muttering): Some things never change! 

THE FAMILIAR LOGO COMES UP, AND THE RED CLOUDS EXPLODE BEHIND THE 
SILHOUETTE OF THE THREE GIRLS. 

FADE TO BLACK.... 

		******************************         

Note from Joe: And that's just my credit sequence.  Can you 
imagine how good the MOVIE could be? 



Edited by C. Lakewood

 
