





                   COMMERCIALS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

                               by

                            Joe Doe


WE INTERRUPT OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING FOR THESE IMPORTANT WORDS FROM 
OUR SPONSORS.  IF ADS WERE THIS INTERESTING, TIVO WOULD BE OUT OF 
BUSINESS. 

(BY THE WAY, WRITERS WHO FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FINISH STORIES MIGHT 
FIND THIS TO BE AN INTERESTING APPROACH IN THAT IT ALLOWS YOU TO 
TELL A STORY IN A COUPLE OF HUNDRED WORDS.  REMEMBER THAT TV 
COMMERCIALS ARE WHERE MANY ASPIRING FILM DIRECTORS START!) 

		******************************                   


COMMERCIAL 1: PLACES YOU DON'T....  

AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT IS STANDING IN A 
RUN-DOWN GAS STATION MINI-MART.  BEHIND THE COUNTER IS A RUMPLED, 
UNSHAVEN HILLBILLY PUMP JOCKEY WITH A GOLD TOOTH. 

WOMAN: "Thank you SO MUCH for towing my car.  I REALLY appreciate 
your help.  So it's all fixed then?" 

HILLBILLY: "Yup, all fixed.  That'll be $200." 

WOMAN (RUMMAGING IN HER PURSE): "I...don't think I have that much 
in cash....  Um...do you take American Express?" 

HE TAPS THE VISA SIGN NEXT TO THE REGISTER AND SNORTS DERISIVELY.  
SHE TURNS, LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE, AS THE HILLBILLY BEGINS TO OGLE 
HER IN A MOST UNWHOLESOME WAY. 

HILLBILLY (SMILING): "We might be able to work something out, city 
girl." 

VOICE-OVER: "If you're going to get auto repair done at Sam's 
Filling Station, Car Repair, and Country Bar, you'd better bring 
cash or Visa.  Because country boys don't take 'No' for an answer, 
and they don't take American Express." 

CUT TO AN OVER-THE-SHOULDER SHOT OF THE WOMAN UP ON A STAGE, 
WEARING ONLY HER BRA AND PANTIES.  SHE LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER 
NERVOUSLY AND SLIDES ONE OF THE PINK BRA STRAPS DOWN, AS THE 
CROWD HOOTS AND HOLLERS. 

FIRST MALE VOICE: "Take it off, baby!" 

SECOND MALE VOICE: "Take it ALL off!" 

VOICE-OVER: "Visa.  It's everywhere you want to be.  And a few 
places you don't." 

		******************************                 

COMMERCIAL 2: DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT 

AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN A PINK SUNDRESS IS SHOPPING IN AN 
OPEN-AIR MARKET. 

VOICE-OVER: "You are about to witness a crime." 

AS THE WOMAN IS EXAMINING A MELON, A PICKPOCKET DEFTLY OPENS HER 
TINY PURSE AND EXTRACTS HER WALLET. 

VOICE-OVER: "This man takes vacations for a living.  Don't let him 
take yours.  If American Express Travelers checks are lost or 
stolen, they can be replaced at over 6000 locations worldwide." 

CUT TO THE WOMAN IN A POLICE STATION WITH TWO BORED, MIDDLE-AGED 
POLICE OFFICERS. 

WOMAN (FRANTIC): "My name is Amanda Richards, and I'm an Assistant 
District Attorney in New York City.  I'm telling you the man took 
all of my money and ID.  If you would just let me call New York, 
I can prove...." 

DEPUTY: "Phone calls cost money, honey, and you don't got none."  
(HE TURNS TO THE OTHER OFFICER AND CONTINUES.)  "She looks kind 
of young to me.  We better call Prof. Leamus down at the 
Reformatory." 

WOMAN: "Reformatory?  Look, I know I look young, but I'm 27!  
And who's Prof. Leamus?" 

JUMP CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN'S FACE AS SHE CRIES OUT.  THE 
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO SHOW THAT SHE IS NOW WEARING A SCHOOL UNIFORM 
AND IS BENT OVER A LARGE WOODEN DESK.  HER FACE AND SHOULDERS COVER 
ANY NUDITY, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS, AS THE CANE SLASHES DOWN, THAT SHE 
IS GETTING A SPANKING! 

WOMAN: "S-seven!  I'm SORRY, Professor!  I'll be a good girl!  I 
won't try to use the phone ever again...." 

VOICE-OVER: "And with American Express Traveler's Insurance, one 
of our representatives can help you replace lost or stolen ID 
within 24 hours." 

WHOOSH! 

WOMAN: "Eight!  Please, sir!  I'll do ANYTHING you say!" 

VOICE-OVER: "American Express.  Don't leave home without it." 

		****************************** 

COMMERCIAL 3: SMARTER    

A PRETTY WOMAN IN A SHORT EXAMINATION GOWN IS SITTING ON THE END OF 
AN EXAM TABLE.  IN FRONT OF HER A PUDGY MAN IN A WHITE LAB COAT IS 
TAKING NOTES. 

WOMAN (FLUSHED AND EMBARRASSED): "Can I get down now?" 

MAN (STILL TAKING NOTES, ABSENTMINDEDLY): "Let's see...examined 
your breasts...muscle tone...reflexes....  Checked all over your 
body for moles and lesions....  Gave you a complete pelvic.  Yes, 
I think we're done."

WOMAN (CLEARLY RELIEVED): "What do you think, Doctor?" 

MAN (SURPRISED): "Oh, I'm not a doctor....  I'm just here to read 
the meter, and I put on this white coat because I was cold.  But 
I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." 

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE HORRIFIED WOMAN, AND THEN TO THE SMILING 
"DOCTOR." 

VOICE-OVER: "Holiday Inn Express.  Stay Smarter." 

		****************************** 

COMMERCIAL 4: TRAFFIC STOP    

A FAT SHERIFF IS WALKING SLOWLY AROUND AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN 
DRESSED IN CUTOFFS AND A MIDRIFF-BARING TOP.  HE OPENLY LEERS AND 
OGLES HER AS HE CIRCLES. 

SHERIFF: "You know you're in a heap of trouble, Missy.  My deputies 
are going over your car right now.  And, if they find anything 
wrong -- a busted taillight, sticky brakes, ANYTHING -- I'll have 
to take you into custody." 

THE WOMAN SAYS NOTHING, BUT SMILES BACK AT HIM.  THE SHERIFF 
CONTINUES WALKING AROUND HER IN A SLOW CIRCLE. 

SHERIFF: "Your sweet little behind is going to be doing hard time 
on my prison farm.  Your fancy-pants UN-EEE-VERSITY degree won't 
help you none there!"

CLOSE-UP OF THE SHERIFF LICKING HIS LIPS IN ANTICIPATION: "Of 
course, FIRST I'm going to have to take you back to my office 
for a little of the ol' pat-and-poke." 

THE WOMAN SAYS NOTHING, BUT TAKES A LOLLYPOP OUT OF HER POCKET AND 
BEGINS TO LICK IT SEDUCTIVELY WHILE THE SHERIFF CONTINUES TO LEER 
AT HER. 

SHERIFF: "Pretty cocky aren't you?  Well, I do like that, but you 
won't be so sassy when I get you back to the station and slip on 
the rubber glove.  Yup.  Just one little flaw in that fancy car of 
yours, that's all it'll take." 

AS THE SHERIFF IS TALKING, A DEPUTY ENTERS THE FRAME AND WHISPERS 
SOMETHING IN HIS EAR. 

SHERIFF (SURPRISED): "Nothing?  There's got to be SOMETHING wrong 
with her car!  There's something wrong with EVERY car!" 

CUT TO A CAR PARKED BY SIDE OF A RURAL ROAD.  IT IS LATE AT NIGHT, 
AND THE MOON IS OVERHEAD, BUT THE SHERIFF AND FIVE DEPUTIES ARE 
STILL EXAMINING THE CAR.  THE WOMAN, CLEARLY BORED, IS SITTING ON 
THE HOOD.  SHE GLANCES AT HER WATCH AS THE SHERIFF CONTINUES TO 
DIRECT HIS DEPUTIES THROUGH A FRUITLESS SEARCH FOR A DEFECT. 

CUT TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE DEPUTIES AND THE BORED WOMAN, AS THE 
FOLLOWING WORDS APPEAR: 

Mercedes Benz.  Engineered like no other car. 

		****************************** 

COMMERCIAL 5: IRISH SPRING     

SCENE 1: AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE IN HER 30s IS LUXURIATING THROUGH 
A STEAMY SHOWER. 

VOICE-OVER (WITH A THICK IRISH BROGUE): "Showering with new and 
improved Irish Spring is so refreshing, it's like showering in 
the great outdoors!" 

CUT TO A LARGE PICNIC GROUND WITH A BANNER THAT READS, "WELCOME 
BACK ALUMNI: HOMECOMING 2003!"  THE AREA IS CROWDED WITH FRAT 
BOYS AND ALUMNI.  SUDDENLY THE WALLS OF THE WOODEN SHOWER HOUSE 
COLLAPSE, AND THE WOMAN IN THE SHOWER IMMEDIATELY REPOSITIONS 
HERSELF TO COVER HER NAUGHTY BITS.  PAN OVER TO SHOW THE DELIGHTED 
FRAT BOYS AND ALUMNI SMILING, LAUGHING, POINTING, AND APPLAUDING 
WILDLY.  FADE OUT.  
 

SCENE 2: FADE IN ON A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN WITH SHOULDER-LENGTH RED 
HAIR, STILL WET FROM HER SHOWER, CLAD IN A GREEN AND WHITE STRIPED 
TOWEL WITH THE "IRISH SPRING" LOGO.  SHE OPENS HER FRONT DOOR AND 
LOOKS OUT CAREFULLY TO MAKE SURE THE COAST IS CLEAR BEFORE STEPPING 
OUT TO FETCH THE MORNING PAPER. 

VOICE-OVER: "After a shower with Irish Spring, you'll feel like 
you're standing outside on a bright sunny day, in all of nature's 
glory." 

AS THE WOMAN REACHES DOWN TO GET THE PAPER, HER IRISH SETTER RUNS 
OVER AND PLAYFULLY BITES A CORNER OF HER TOWEL.  THE WOMAN TURNS, 
TRYING TO GRAB HIS COLLAR, BUT MISSES.  THE DOG RUNS INSIDE THE 
HOUSE, STILL WITH THE TOWEL IN HIS TEETH.  

CUT TO THE DOG, HIS TAIL WAGGING, USING HIS FRONT PAWS TO PUSH THE 
DOOR CLOSED.  CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE SPRING-LOCK CLICKING INTO 
PLACE. 

CUT TO THE NOW NAKED WOMAN PULLING DESPERATELY ON THE DOOR KNOB. 

WOMAN: "Bad dog, Leprechaun!  I don't care what Frank says.  I 
swear I'll send you to obedience school....  Or get you fixed!" 

VOICE-OVER: "Irish Spring is like a run through the park on a 
bright, sunny Irish day.  It will be the top-o'-the morning to 
you!" 

THE CAMERA SHOWS THE WOMAN LOOKING AROUND QUICKLY BEFORE MAKING A 
DASH FOR THE BACK DOOR.  BUT, AS SHE NEARS THE REAR OF HER HOUSE, 
A POLICE CAR PULLS INTO THE DRIVEWAY BEHIND HER. 

THE NAKED WOMAN RUNS DOWN THE ALLEY BEHIND HER HOUSE, PAST THE YARD 
OF A GRINNING BOY WHO LOOKS TO BE ABOUT 18 OR 19.  HE IS TAKING 
SHEETS DOWN OFF THE LINE.  SHE MOTIONS FOR HIM TO TOSS HER A SHEET, 
BUT INSTEAD HE TAKES A DIGITAL CAMERA OUT OF HIS POCKET AND POINTS 
IT STRAIGHT AT HER. 

CUT TO THE NAKED WOMAN, NOW IN HANDCUFFS, BEING WALKED SLOWLY TO 
THE SQUAD CAR BY TWO GRINNING ROLY-POLY DEPUTIES.  THERE IS A WIDE 
ASSORTMENT OF LAUGHING, GRINNING NEIGHBORS WATCHING -- THE BOY 
WITH THE CAMERA, AN OLD MAN WATERING HIS LAWN, A COUPLE OF MEXICAN 
GARDENERS, TWO OLD BIDDIES KNITTING ON THEIR FRONT PORCH, THE 
MILKMAN, AND THE MAILMAN.  THE BOY WITH THE DIGITAL CAMERA IS 
RUNNING BACKWARDS, TAKING PICTURES, AS SHE IS MARCHED TOWARDS THE 
POLICE CAR. 

CUT TO LEPRECHAUN, THE DOG, HIS TAIL WAGGING, WATCHING THROUGH THE 
WINDOW AS HIS CUFFED MISTRESS IS LED AWAY. 

VOICE-OVER: "Irish Spring is as fresh and invigorating as a morning 
dance with a leprechaun!  But don't let 'em see your pot of gold, 
ladies!" 

		****************************** 

COMMERCIAL 6: WINDEX     

IN THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE FROM "ONE QUESTION TO MANY," A DEPUTY WITH 
A BOTTLE OF WINDEX SAUNTERS PAST THE CELLS.  A SMARTLY DRESSED 
YOUNG WOMAN GRASPS THE BARS OF HER CELL AND WATCHES NERVOUSLY AS 
THE WHISTLING DEPUTY PASSES. 

VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine!  Windex makes it shine!" 

THE DEPUTY WALKS PAST THE EXAM TABLE TO THE HUGE GLASS PICTURE 
WINDOW, WHICH IS ALREADY CROWDED WITH MEN.  AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES 
TO PLAY, HE BEGINS CLEANING THE WINDOW. 

VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine!  Windex makes it shine!" 

THE DEPUTY SPRAYS WINDEX DIRECTLY ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE FACE 
OF AN OLD MAN.  BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT THE FACE IS PRESSED AGAINST 
THE OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW IN ANTICIPATION, AND THE DEPUTY IS SIMPLY 
CLEANING THE INSIDE OF THE GLASS. 

VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine!  Windex makes it shine" 

VOICE-OVER: "New and improved Windex will give you a streak-free 
shine every time!" 

CUT TO THE DEPUTY TURNING HIS ATTENTION TO THE SHINY METAL STIRRUPS 
OF THE EXAMINATION TABLE.  CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN IN HER 
CELL, SWALLOWING NERVOUSLY AS THE GRINNING DEPUTY POLISHES THE 
STIRRUPS. 

VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine!  Windex makes it shine!" 

CUT TO THE DEPUTY CAREFULLY POLISHING THE SHOWER HEAD AND THE 
CURTAIN ROD OF THE CURTAINLESS SHOWER. 

VOICE-OVER: "And Windex will help you make those hard-to-clean 
bathroom surfaces sparkle!" 

CUT TO THE DEPUTY UP ON A LADDER, CLEANING THE LENS OF A LARGE 
CEILING-MOUNTED VIDEO CAMERA ABOVE THE EXAMINATION TABLE. 

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP IN THE CELL OF THE WOMAN WINCING AND BITING HER 
LIP. 

CUT TO THE DEPUTY, STILL SMILING AND WHISTLING, POLISHING THE SHINY 
METAL NOZZLE OF THE GREEN CANISTER MARKED "DELOUSING SPRAY." 

VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine!  Windex makes it shine!" 

THE WOMAN, WHO HAS JUST BEEN LED OUT OF HER CELL BY THE DEPUTY, 
LOOKS DOWN AT HER REFLECTION IN THE CHROME STIRRUPS. 

VOICE-OVER: "With new Windex you can see yourself!" 

CUT TO THE WOMAN'S REFLECTION IN THE HUGE PICTURE WINDOW AS SHE 
STARES IN HORROR AT THE HUGE CROWD OF MEN LOOKING THROUGH THE 
WINDOW AT HER.  THE WINDOW SHOWS BOTH THE MEN'S FACES AND THE 
WOMAN'S AGHAST EXPRESSION. 

VOICE-OVER: "And everyone else can see you!" 

		****************************** 

COMMERCIAL 7: RELIABILITY   

A SPOT ON A RURAL ROAD, SHOWN FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE INSIDE 
OF A SQUAD CAR PARKED BEHIND A BILLBOARD.  SEATED IN THE SQUAD CAR, 
DEPUTY DUFFY IS LISTENING TO RADIO TRANSMISSIONS. 

RADIO VOICE: "Jeepers!  I just bagged another one.  A hot little 
redhead zipping down the road like her hair was on fire.  Gosh, I 
can hardly wait to get her into the stirrups!" 

SECOND RADIO VOICE: "Is she hotter than those two little foxes you 
bagged this morning?" 

FIRST VOICE: "Even hotter!  I mean, they were professional 
cheerleaders and all, and they danced real pretty when I stripped 
them down, but this one's a college girl.  And I love those hot, 
frisky coeds!" 

SECOND VOICE: "Boy, that radar gun of yours just won't stop 
beeping.  I love summer...all the hot babes zipping around in 
their convertibles!" 

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF DUFFY AS HE HEARS THE ROAR OF AN ENGINE 
COMING FROM DOWN THE ROAD.  DUFFY HOLDS HIS RADAR GUN WITH BOTH 
HANDS, GRIMACING IN CONCENTRATION, AS HE TRIES TO GET THE PERFECT 
ANGLE. 

A YELLOW CORVETTE WITH TWO GORGEOUS WOMEN ROUNDS THE CORNER AND 
FISHTAILS IN A CLOUD OF DUST.  DUFFY POINTS THE RADAR GUN RIGHT 
AT THE CAR AND SMILES. 

THE CAR ZOOMS PAST.  NOTHING HAPPENS. 

FIRST VOICE: "Hot damn!  I just picked up that foxy little 
newscaster from Channel 3!  Damnation, these new radar guns 
are goo-ood!" 

SECOND VOICE: "You always did have a good 'feel' for 'handling' 
the press." 

FIRST VOICE: "And it looks like I'll win this month's special 
$5000 bonus for bringing in the hottest celebrity.  Eat your 
heart out, Duffy!" 

DUFFY LOOKS UP AS A GREEN PORSCHE ROUNDS THE CORNER AND STOPS A 
FEW FEET AWAY FROM HIM.  THE CAR IS PLAYING THE LATEST AWFUL 
BRITNEY SPEARS SONG. 

DUFFY'S JAW DROPS AS HE SEES BRITNEY SPEARS AND JENNIFER ANISTON 
EMERGE FROM THE CAR.  BOTH ARE DRESSED IN SHORTS AND MIDRIFF-BARING 
HALF SHIRTS. 

JENNIFER (UNFOLDING THE MAP): "For crying out loud, Britney, turn 
off that stupid song!  I need to concentrate." 

BRITNEY (BLOWING A BUBBLE): "But that's my new one....  Uh...isn't 
it?" 

JENNIFER: "I don't think we're anywhere near Manhattan.  We must 
be in New Jersey." 

DUFFY (MUTTERING): "You're in VERMONT, Einstein."

BRITNEY: "Maybe if you drove a little faster, we'd be there by 
now." 

JENNIFER: "Driving faster doesn't help when you're going the 
wrong way, radio head.  Just keep your bubble gum music off.  
I can't concentrate with that crap on.  If they'd been playing 
that in our bombers, our pilots would have unloaded over Boston 
instead of Baghdad." 

BRITNEY (SNAPPING A BUBBLE): "I don't get it." 

JENNIFER (DISGUSTED, UNDER HER BREATH): "I'm sure you don't.  I 
swear, next time, Brad's going to drive you." 

DUFFY WATCHES AS THE TWO WOMEN GET IN THE CAR AND BUCKLE UP. 

BRITNEY: "Can you make it go FAST?  I like it when it goes fast!"  

JENNIFER: "You want FAST, bubble head?  Ill show you FAST...." 

DUFFY QUICKLY POINTS THE RADAR GUN AS JENNIFER BEGINS RACING THE 
ENGINE.  THE CAMERA CUTS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN BRITNEY BLOWING A 
BUBBLE, JENNIFER'S SHAPELY LEG GUNNING THE ENGINE, AND THE SMALL 
TRICKLE OF SWEAT RUNNING DOWN DUFFY'S FACE AS HE POINTS THE RADAR 
GUN AT THE STRAINING CAR. 

THE TWO WOMEN RACE OFF IN A CLOUD OF DUST, BUT THE RADAR GUN IS 
SILENT.  DUFFY BEGINS BEATING THE USELESS DEVICE AGAINST THE DASH. 

FADE TO BLACK.  STILL AUDIBLE ARE THE SOUNDS OF DUFFY, CRYING AND 
BASHING THE RADAR GUN IN FRUSTRATION, AS THE FOLLOWING WORDS 
APPEAR, ONE ROW AT A TIME, AGAINST THE BLACK BACKGROUND: 

DURACELL 

LONG LASTING 

POWERFUL 

DEPENDABLE 

DURACELL: THE COPPERS' TOP BATTERY. 

		



Edited by C. Lakewood 
