


    


 
                 PA MAGAZINE: FUN FUND-RAISING

                              by 

                           Joe Doe 



H3771 ONCE POSTED A LINK TO "PA MAGAZINE."  SINCE ITS EDITOR 
EXPRESSED CONCERN OVER THE LACK OF CONTRIBUTIONS FROM HIS 
READERS, I WROTE A COUPLE OF ARTICLES AND SENT THEM IN.  I 
ASKED HIM TO POST A MESSAGE IF HE LIKED THEM. 

THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.  THE MAGAZINE HAS BEEN RELAUNCHED AS 
A YAHOO GROUP AND SEEMS TO BE DOING WELL.  HOWEVER, SINCE I NEVER 
GOT ANY RESPONSE, I DECIDED TO TURN HIS LOSS INTO YOUR GAIN (OR 
SO I HOPE). 

THE FOLLOWING IS A BRIEF ARTICLE ABOUT HOW TO PUT THE "FUN" BACK 
INTO CORPORATE FUND-RAISING. 

		******************************                

FUN FUND-RAISING 

Fund-raising can be a daunting challenge for even the most seasoned 
corporate leader.  "I tried everything -- raffles, donations, car 
washes -- but nothing worked," one exhausted manager explained.  
"Once I required all of the little ladies to bring in a food item 
for a bake sale.  Of course, some of the sassy little feminists in 
my office objected, and sabotaged my plans.  Those brownies gave 
everyone the runs for days! 

"That experience made me realize the untapped potential of the 
female employees in my office.  My next event was an 'Arabian 
Nights' style charity auction.  Since I offered a free $100 gift 
certificate at the local mall, the greedy little bimbos in my 
office signed up without even reading the contract. 

"I think a big part of the thrill was seeing fancy-pants female 
executives naked on stage right next to the personal assistants.  
Let's face it; with the kind of power male executives have, seeing 
your secretary naked is no big deal.  But seeing that aloof little 
redhead who runs the marketing department and/or that cute Vice 
President of Human Resources butt-naked on an auction block is 
something else.   

"The female executives in my company all think they're better than 
the secretaries, but once you strip them out of those fancy power 
suits, they're all the same.  Of course the transfer from ‘power 
suit' to 'birthday suit' is traumatic for some of them, but that's 
a big part of the thrill.  You should have seen the look on the 
Corporate Comptroller's face when the guys on the loading dock 
purchased her." 

Although the corporate charity auctions may vary in terms of theme, 
pricing, and "length of servitude," experienced managers agree that 
public exposure is key.  "Strip the little bimbos down butt naked!" 
one manager chortled.  "You wouldn't buy a car without checking 
under the hood; the audience members have a right to see what they 
are buying.  And, if a few select guys want to come up on stage to 
get 'a feel' for the merchandise, so much the better."  

"These women need a dose of humility.  So what if the Corporate 
Counsel has to bend and touch her toes for the guy from the 
mailroom?  Doesn't he have the same rights as anyone else?  I 
suggest setting up a pre-auction showroom where the 'goods' are 
suspended from the ceiling with just their dainty little toes 
brushing the floor."  

Managers agree that the merchandise should be well displayed, 
particularly during the auction itself.  "A lot of women get 
nervous when they're up on stage, particularly when they're 
ordered to kneel down and spread their legs in front of a room 
of leering and hooting men," one auctioneer explained.  "But 
usually just the sound of my whip snapping in the air -- or 
the feel of my riding crop gently tapping her bare bottom -- 
is enough to ensure docile submission.  

"Of course, sometimes the sound of the whip gets the little dears 
get so nervous that they actually have 'an accident.'  The audience 
loves it!  There is nothing funnier than watching some prissy, 
stuck-up executive lose control of her bladder and pee herself 
right on stage.  That's why I always cover the block in sand.  It 
absorbs the moisture, and the feeling of the sand between a 
woman's bare toes never fails to conjure up images of an Arab 
slave market. 

"Some of the women told me afterward that standing barefoot on sand 
really drove home the idea that they were being sold like livestock. 
And, since the tension of the block makes them all sweaty, the sand 
clings to their skin when they kneel and squat and roll on the 
stage.   It really makes them feel like sweaty farm animals." 

But charity auctions are only one of the many corporate events that 
your firm can offer.  The editors have compiled a short list of 
ideas guaranteed to put the FUN back in fund-raising: 


LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL 

Although locking female employees into the stocks for minor 
transgressions doesn't raise money, the "behind-the-scenes 
service fees" certainly will. 

"They stripped me butt-naked!" one humiliated secretary complained. 
"Then they paddled me for 25 cents per swat."   

If the sight of a prissy female executive or comely secretary 
balling her hands up into tiny fists of frustration during a 
shameful and humiliating paddling isn't enticing enough, then up 
the ante.  "I couldn't even tell WHO was doing it to me!" one 
humiliated female consultant sniveled.  "I would just hear them 
unzip their pants...and then laugh...and then they'd stick it 
in me.  The first time I felt them pull my bottom cheeks apart, 
I just about died from humiliation.  I know it was that jerk 
Jimmy from the mailroom -- I'd recognize that grunt anywhere. 

"They even started forcing me to do blow jobs, once they realized 
that by standing close to the stocks I couldn't see their faces.  
I must have blown every single one of my male subordinates...and 
their buddies." 

More than mere fund raisers, the stocks are an excellent way for 
male employees to take out their frustrations on prissy or 
difficult female co-workers.  "Our Director of Human Resources 
actually started RECORDING sexual harassment complaints," one 
disgusted company president explained.  "But an afternoon in the 
stocks -- with the threat of more to come -- turned her into the 
submissive little bimbo I knew she could be.  She was pretty angry 
when I threatened to put those photos of her up on the Internet.  
But, in the end, she agreed to take a new job in the secretarial 
pool, and she began wearing the short skirts and sheer blouses I 
picked out for her.  Now the little libber REALLY understands the 
concept of sexual harassment!" 
             

PETA DAYS 

"Frankly, I couldn't care less about animals, but I sure do 
love 'PETA days,'" one male executive said.  "Just imagine 
coming to work and seeing 3 or 4 of your prettiest female 
co-workers butt-naked and kenneled in the lobby.  Or raising 
'animal awareness' by requiring your secretary to wear nothing 
but a leather collar and dog tags, and then mounting her 'doggie 
style' at lunch time." 

"I had just purchased an American company, and, when I left my 
offices in Asia, I expected my new American employees to treat 
me with respect and honor," Miss Lee explained.  "It was my 
greatest misfortune to visit during PETA days.  Asian women are 
traditionally very modest, and it was extremely humiliating to 
be led around for introductions, naked and leashed.  I kept 
begging them to give me something -- anything -- to wear, but 
the company president just laughed and whipped me across the 
rump with my leash.  

"The worst part was my ‘house breaking.'  When they took me out 
to the fire hydrant in front of the headquarters and commanded me 
to 'do my business,' I raised my hind leg like a good doggie, but 
with all of those men laughing and jeering at me I couldn't squeeze 
out a drop.  My master scolded me loudly, tapping his foot and 
whipping my leash across my backside as he complained that he 
'didn't have all day to wait for me to tinkle!'  

"I had to lap up nearly three bowls of water out of a doggie dish 
before I could 'water the lawn.'  When the forceful stream finally 
started, the applause and laughter were deafening.  Needless to 
say, I never visited the American subsidiary again; which left 
them free to do whatever they wanted." 


WINDY CITY DAYS 

A fan under the grate in front of the building, a viewing stand, 
and a small shoe box to collect the cash is all that the next 
fund raiser requires. 

"The women looked puzzled when they saw all of their male 
colleagues sitting on the bleachers outside the building.  None 
of them could figure out why...until they found their skirts up 
around their waists."   

All the men gathered outside the building, cameras and camcorders 
at the ready, would seem like an obvious clue, but you'd be 
surprised.  Whether she's the head of marketing or the cute little 
intern who works at the copy shop, she'll soon be trying to hide 
her scanties like a flustered little girl. 

You might consider raising a little extra cash by betting on the 
color of the victim's panties.  A careful review of the photo 
evidence can settle other wagers such as whether or not the 
blushing beauty is really a natural blonde.   

Of course, if the victim neglects to wear panties that day, the 
evidence will be indisputable. 


DOCTOR FOR A DAY 

This fund raiser usually involves an exchange of personnel between 
two or more offices, but the end result is worth the effort. 

"As a lowly mailroom boy, I never expected to win the 'DOCTOR 
FOR A DAY' raffle.  I had never even been to corporate 
headquarters...which made me the perfect man to give the 
lovely females employees their annual physicals. 

"A lot of the executives who bought hundreds of dollars of tickets 
were pretty ticked off that I won, but, since we videotaped all of 
the exams, everyone got to enjoy it.   

"Most of the women were pretty embarrassed when I ordered them 
into the stirrups," Timmy explained.  "And the look on their faces 
when I told them that I had only rectal thermometers was simply 
priceless. 

"Although I examined dozens of women that week, my favorite was 
the corporate president, Miss Hillary.  I had only seen her once 
before, at the annual stockholders' meeting.  She had seemed so 
confident, so assured, so in-charge.  I couldn't believe it when 
she lectured us about 'hard times' and cut the wages of the male 
workers, while leaving the salaries of the female executives 
untouched." 

"Of course, she didn't look so in-charge when I ordered her up on 
all fours for that enema.  I filled the bag extra full for her, 
just so she would know what it was like to be on the receiving 
end for a change.  

"The 'exchange doctor' who won the chance to examine the women I 
work with every day was just as thrilled as I was.  Of course, he 
always 'prepped' the women by shaving them, and the 'medicines' he 
prescribed did cause some problems with bladder control.  I just 
loved watching those blushing, stuttering female executives coming 
down to the mailroom to pick up their mail-order nappies!" 


AMATEUR NIGHT 

Many local strip clubs have amateur night contests, where local 
women can strip down in exchange for cash prizes.  Many club 
managers will waive the cover charges and even offer a round of 
free drinks, especially after they are shown pictures of "the 
talent" that will be dancing in their club that evening. 

"Strip club patrons would much prefer to watch some blushing, 
fresh-faced 25-year-old MBA stripping down to the buff rather 
than some tired old pro who's done it a thousand times.  There's 
something about the look of humiliation on their faces as they 
twirl around the pole, or bend over and spread their legs to 
receive their first tip, that is incredibly hot." 

With so many clubs in the area, it may be difficult to find the 
correct one.  "The sleazier, the better," one manager advised.  
"The woman should feel trashy when she prances out onto the stage, 
and the experience should make it clear to everyone exactly what 
she is.  Nothing corrects a well-educated young executive's 
attitude faster than the sight of a drunken, homeless guy waving 
a dollar bill and commanding her to squat.  After that, stripping 
away their fancy titles and giving them jobs in the secretarial 
pool was easy."  

"Some of the high class places don't even require women to strip 
to the buff," another manager complained.  "What's the point?  If 
I'm going to the trouble of forcing my boss out on stage, I want 
to see EVERYTHING!" 

"We used the prize money they won to pay for the beer," one 
executive boasted.  "It was really a win-win!"


CONCLUSION 

Whether it is a "car wash/wet t-shirt contest" or a "Lesbian Dating 
Game," inclusion is the key.  Getting male participation is easy, 
but some corporate executives make the mistake of only including 
the lowly personal assistants in the games.  If your company still 
has any women in positions of responsibility, go to the CEO (or to 
the board, if the company is female-managed) to ensure 100% 
involvement.  The haughtier the female is, the more entertaining 
(and profitable) her tumble will be. 

Some companies pay for the event itself with the money the women 
raise, while others actually use the money to strip the female 
executives of their legal rights. 

"The women in our company thought they were immune from sexual 
harassment since the company was female owned and operated," one 
manager chortled.  "They were pretty pissed when we used the money 
from the slave auction in a hostile corporate takeover.  Now each 
morning at 7:00 AM, you'll find the company's founder nervously 
tugging down her skirt and obediently making the coffee as she 
prepares for another degrading day as the secretary for the man 
who now holds her old job." 

But, regardless of the outcome, remember that FUN is the key to 
fund-raising.  "Feminists can be so SERIOUS," one man explained.  
"Can I help it if they can't take a joke?"



Edited by C. Lakewood

 
