Celestial Reviews 298 - August 1, 1998

Note: The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and
said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears
out of nowhere"

Second note: Here are the top 11 reasons why e-mail is like a penis. 

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth
the fuss that those who have it make about it. 

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to have it, a phenomenon
psychologists call *E-Mail Envy* 

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work
done. 

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to
the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it
should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to
think coherently. 

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and
influence warrant.; 

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of
trouble. 

and the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Penis... 

1. If you play with it too much, you go blind! 

Third Note: This came to me from a woman who claims she has a Masters Degree
in Sacred Scriptures.  So when she says this is a lost passage from Genesis,
it must be true:

On the sixth day God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.  God said to the
woman, "Is there anything about you that you'd like to change?"

The woman said, "Yes.  Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers, and it was done.

Holding the third breast in her hand, the woman exclaimed, "What am I going to
do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

=====================
Celestial Reviews:
=====================

"Donut Shop" by Frank McCoy (pedophile sex) 9, 8, 5
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374733576 

"Whore!" by Nick (talking dirty) 10, 10, 10
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=375043475 
	---
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13395.txt 

"God's Girl" by LeAnna (youthful romance) 10, 10, 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13379.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374919905 

"Imaginary Lover" by Rock Hancock (paranormal romance) 10, 9, 9
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13259.txt 
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373606488 

"Trouble in Paradise" by Crimson Dragon (ff romance) 10, 9, 9
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13551.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376997830 

"Root of Evil" by Tooshoes (seeking a meaningful relationship) 
	10, 10, 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13535.txt 
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376723405 

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

Golden Mile" by Sista Shakespeare (Ferris wheel sex). Myers: 8
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13219.txt 
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373598680 

"Ghostlight" by Lostgirl (theatre company seduction). Sven: 10, 9, 9.5
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13483.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240427 

"An Early Morning" by Diana Svensson (oral sex). BillyG: 9, 6, 8
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13504.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376245525 

"Journey Into Sexual Awareness" by Desdmona22.  Guest rejoinder
	by JJMoneyBoy

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "Horny out of My Mind" by Frank McCoy (sex & humor) 10 
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=175828564 

* "The Guarantee" by Frank McCoy (incest & teen sex) 10, 9, 9
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=269362545 

=====================
On this day in Celestial History
	Celestial Reviews 105 - August 3, 1996
=====================

* "Dyad" by Michael K. Smith (emerging adolescence) 
            10, 10, 10
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=171875428 

"Trinity Trilogy Novel 4/14" by Tom Trinity 
            (miscellaneous orgies) 10, 9.5, 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/560.txt 00
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/561.txt 01
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/562.txt 02
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/564.txt 03
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/563.txt 04 (Reviewed)
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/565.txt 05
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/573.txt 06
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/567.txt 07
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/574.txt 08
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/568.txt 09
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/566.txt 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/572.txt 11
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/570.txt 12
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/568.txt 13
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/571.txt 14

=====================
<<The Reviews>>
=====================

"Donut Shop" by Frank McCoy (mccoyf@millcomm.com).
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374733576 

The basic gist of this story is that the narrator gets seduced in a donut shop
by two preschool nymphets - with their mother's full approval and cooperation.

Most of you won't like this story, because you will find it to be morally
repulsive.  And silly too.  You will probably think that this leading
character is weird and should be strung up by his balls.  You'd be right, of
course.  The story is so grotesque that I have to conclude that the author is
pulling our leg or yanking our chain or some similar metaphor.

The one thing we know about this story is that it can't be true.  That's
because - I know you're going to think this a stereotype, but I swear upon my
mother's bra that I heard it from a reliable source - a policewoman who was
giving a speech to our PTA - that's because there are more police per square
yard in donut shops than in any place outside the precinct station in the
typical American community.  The policewoman's advice to us was, "If you're
being followed by someone suspicious, go to your nearest donut shop or
convenience store that sells donuts and coffee.  There's likely to be a police
officer there."

Therefore, a guy couldn't really feel up a couple of little girls in a donut
shop, even with the mother's permission - not with impunity anyway.  In no
time at all, the donut shop would be full of police officers and police dogs
and social workers and prosecutors; and pretty soon the "pervert" - that's
what narrow-minded people call child molesters - would wind up in the Big
House, where even more narrow-minded criminals would assert their moral
superiority by sodomizing him to satisfy their self-righteous indignation.

Now this is going to be hard to believe, but we have the benefit in this case
of a commentary in a.s.s.d. from the author of this story, in which he
explains how he wrote this and some other stories.  At first I thought his
explanations would ruin my credibility.  For example, he confesses to being
the author of "Grabbing the Brass Ring," to which I gave low ratings in CR
297. He says that story was "about whether being 'superman' was a handicap."
I really missed the point there: I thought it was a really convoluted piece of
shit about dysfunctional sex.  Sorry about that, Frank.  Anyway, it turns out
that the author himself says that the present story is a sort of morality tale
designed to emphasize the stupidity of dressing cute little girls in "Jon
Bonet" outfits and parading them as sex objects at a time of their lives when
they should be having fun.  See!  I told you he was kidding.  And he's got a
point there - although I think it's distinctly possible that most readers will
miss the point and think this is "pedophile garbage" and that the local
pedophiles will think this is "really great stuff." I just hope the pedophiles
take the story literally and try it down at the donut shop and get their asses
busted, as explained in the previous paragraph.  

Sorry about that slip-up on "Grabbing the Brass Ring."

By the way, I might add that I personally think Frank McCoy is a decent,
productive member of society, or at least harmless - or at least no more
harmful than the typical American politician.  Frank is a prolific author, and
I haven't reviewed all that many of his stories, mostly because he writes a
lot about kiddy sex and incest, topics which become old really fast with me.
His two best stories that I know of are "Horny Out of My Mind" and
"Guarantee."  I think it helps to realize that Frank is almost always writing
with his tongue in his cheek, as am I when I mention Frank in the same
category with politicians, many of whom are lawyers, albeit bad ones.

{Celestial Note: After I wrote the preceding part of this review, Frank posted
a message on a.s.s.d., in which he pointed out that I missed the point of
"Grabbing the Brass Ring."  He also suggested that I don't understand science
fiction, and I object that assertion.  I sometimes don't understand science
fiction that requires the reader to already subscribe to a large number of
assumptions that cannot be derived from the story itself.  However, Ray
Bradbury and Kurt Vonnegut are two of my favorite mainstream authors, and much
of their writing is certainly science fiction.  In addition, I think I give a
more favorable reception to well-written TG stories (which are often science
fiction) than almost any of my guest reviewers.  Furthermore, I think Walter
Slaven's "Tie Fighter" is one of the best series of stories ever posted on
this newsgroup.  PleaseCain's "Consuming Passion," Tom Bombadil's "Camara,"
and Eli the Bearded's "Metamensity" are not bad either.  So please don't say
that I don't understand or like good science fiction stories.

I would assume that most "superhero stories are also considered science
fiction, and I have often given high ratings to those stories; but note that I
am often much more impressed by GOOD superhero stories (e.g., Tooshoes'
"Supergirl" stories) than by stories in which people just rape Wonder Woman or
Xena for no apparent reason.

A problem with science fiction is that it sometimes requires the reader to
invest too much energy in adapting to a different reality.  For example, I
think Elf Sternberg is an absolutely outstanding writer, but I myself don't
seek out his stories very often because his characters live in a universe that
is different than mine and not one that appeals to me as a place where I'd
like to have sex.  On the other hand, Walter Slaven's "Tie Fighter" people are
easy for me to understand and get emotionally attached to - even if they are
purple and have extra muscles in their vaginas.

If science fiction authors want to write for a broad audience - as Bradbury
and Vonnegut have done in mainstream literature - they have to place their
science fiction ideas in a context that makes sense to people who are not
already part of their cult.  The problem with "Grabbing the Brass Ring" was
that although I was vaguely aware that something unusual was going on, I was
not stimulated to expend the energy to take the narrator's perspective
seriously.  Faced with the choice of either taking the narrator's perspective
more seriously or regarding it as nonsense, I chose the latter.  Upon further
reflection, I still think I made the right choice.

Please keep in mind that I really mean the nice things I have said about this
author.  I just don't think the present story and "Brass Ring" are among his
best.  The "failure" of these two stories could have occurred because Frank
didn't write them as well as he wanted or because I didn't read as well as I
should have or for some other reason.  Whatever the case may be, I suggest
that Frank put "Horny Out of My Mind" and "Guarantee" ahead of these two
stories on his application for the Pulitzer Prize.  And on his worst day this
author is still miles ahead of Henry James.}

Ratings for "Donut Shop"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

==================

"Whore!" by Nick (nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=375043475 
	---
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13395.txt 

"If you treat a lady like a lady, she'll become a lady.  If you treat her like
a whore, she'll become a whore."  That's what my grandmother used to say,
some time after Pygmalion (which she probably never read) and before My fair
Lady (of which she did see the movie version, although she had severe glaucoma
by that time).  I think she learned that aphorism in a place called The Old
Country.  In an ironic way, my grandmother's words are the moral of this
story.  However, you have to remember that on this newsgroup the connotation
of being a whore is less pejorative than it was in The Old Country.

As the story says, "Well what is a lady to do with herself for two hours when
she is on the streets dressed like a tart?"

"Tart" - Now there's a word that's underused by Americans, who prefer the more
mundane "bitch."  Undoubtedly, British men are clever enough to realize that
they can call their lovers "sweet tart" and get by with it, because the lover
is likely to hear the less oxymoronic "sweetheart."  Blimey!

Ratings for "Whore!"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

==================

"God's Girl" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com).  
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13379.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374919905 

This is one of those stories that you're supposed to try to figure out while
you read it.   From the start we know that Andrea is flat-out beautiful and
that there's an air of mystery about her.  Early on we also discover that her
parents have disowned her and that she lives a life aloof from others.  As we
read we wonder why.  

I'll be damned if I'm going to tell you.  Read the story and find out for
yourself.

Ratings for "God's Girl"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

==================

"Imaginary Lover" by Rock Hancock.  
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13259.txt 
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373606488 

There's a series of porn movies called "Passages," in which actresses named
Christy Canyon and Jennifer Stewart (I think) make love to each other and to
various guys, including a person whom they refer to as the "Imaginary Lover."
Most porn movies are just fuck flicks with no emotion or plot, but I enjoyed
that series. My husband developed a thing for Jennifer Stewart, and I filled
in as her surrogate on several occasions.  Because of this association, the
title "Imaginary Lover" got me off to a good start with this story.

{Please do not classify me as a porn connoisseur.  With all the stories I have
to read for this newsgroup, I no longer watch porn movies at all, and I don't
miss them.  Neither does my husband, who enjoys hearing me relate or act out
the plots of the good stories more than watching people with silicone implants
moan out of sequence with their sexual activities.}

In the present story the narrator is in a bad marriage, but he has a friend
with whom he exchanges passionate email messages and engages in phone sex.  As
our story begins he is awakening in the middle of the night with the distinct
sensation of sexual stimulation, but he is definitely not giving Yul Brenner a
high-five - that's a picturesque way of saying he is not engaged in hand-to-
gland combat.  Over the next several days he continues to experience
increasingly vivid sexual pleasure, even though he's alone and is not the one
who is packaging the ole sausage.

I don't want to tell you more.  It's a good story, but you need to experience
it yourself.  So if you're feeling lonely and don't want to spend the evening
playing with your pink Power Ranger, you may want to give this story a try.  

There!  I managed to refer to masturbation five times without mentioning
anything about a pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin or pumping gas at the self-
service island.

Ratings for "Imaginary Lover"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

"Trouble in Paradise" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com).
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13551.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376997830 

Elizabeth has gone away with Dawn for a romantic vacation in a tropical
paradise.  Elizabeth is new at this lesbian thing, and she has to get used to
Dawn sexual preferences.

Very early in the story the women's hotel room is robbed.  At first this seems
to be a detour, but later we see the connection to the overall plot.  Although
the sex is very sensual, the plot and ideas don't flow quite as naturally as I
would have liked.  But it's still a very good story.

Ratings for "Trouble in Paradise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

"Root of Evil" by Tooshoes (tooshoes@cris.com).
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13535.txt 
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376723405 

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast."  That phrase occurs in two poems
that I know of - one poem that the English professors love and the other that
they scoff at - "Alexander Pope's "Essay on Man" and Ernest Thayer's "Casey at
the Bat."  My husband also recites the line when he's watching my daily tape
of "Days of Our Lives" with me, but he's making a sexual innuendo about a sexy
babe named Hope on whom he'd like to spring eternal.

Anyway, Our Hero is rich but lonely. But hope springs eternal in his human
breast: he still hangs out at the strip bar, hoping not only to get lucky, but
to fill that lonely place in his heart.  But that's how a fly is likely to get
caught in a spider web (as Our Hero says), and Casey did strike out (as Walt
Disney tells us).

But fear is the root of all evil. Our hero overcomes his roots and asks the
dancer out, but "Sandra has a problem with dating customers. She thinks a guy
should at least have dinner with a girl before seeing her naked. But hope
spring continues to spring eternal in his human breast.  He sees her rejection
as a swing and a miss.  Like Casey, he has two more strikes.  But Flynn
precedes Casey, and likewise so does Blake.  The former is a puddin' and the
latter is a fake.  She may not date him, but she does get naked for him; but
that's because he has paid for a table dance. Strike one, the umpire said.

Soon Arnie decides that desire is the root of all evil.  Arnie has what the
country western song calls "Scarlet Fever."   Scarlet - I mean Sandra - gets
him so hot that he mixes his metaphors. He is a fly, longing for the spider,
imagining the web he is caught in as the trappings of love. He feels the way a
prisoner would feel, looking beyond the cell bars at freedom. He feels as
though he is living a beautiful dream, but the alarm clock is ringing.  Or as
the Poet would put it, the umpire said, "Strike Two."

Can I fight my way out of this metaphorical tangle, this labyrinth that I have
imposed on myself by mixing classical poetry and baseball doggerel?  What does
it say about me when I can remember almost all of "Casey at the Bat" but
almost none of "Essay on Man"?  Such thoughts fill my mind as Arnie goes home
alone to his cats and his pillow.

Will Casey go down without a fight?  Even if he fights, will he strike out?
Or will there be joy in Mudville?

Actually, pain is the root of all evil.  That's Arnie's third conclusion about
the root of all evil.  Thirds are almost invariably final.  In jokes, it's
always the third man in the bar or the third person in the priest, minister,
rabbi trio who delivers the punchline.  Country western songs always repeat
the refrain three times.  Most people sneeze three times if they sneeze at
all. And that's my third example; and Arnie is right about this pain thing.

"Happiness lies somewhere between having money and spending it all."  I don't
know who said that.  Probably John Milton or Garth Brooks.  Or Sandra near the
end of this story.

I'm going to risk ruining the ending.  Casey hits a foul ball on the third
strike.  In other words, hope still springs eternal - at least for a little
while.  

Or as Pope says later in his little poem,

All Nature is but Art, unknown to thee;
All Chance, Direction, which thou canst not see;
All Discord, Harmony not understood;
All partial Evil, universal Good.

The sooner Casey figures that out, the less likely he'll strike out.  Or at
least it will be less likely that he'll be devastated if he does.

This is a new style of story for this author; and it's very, very good.

Ratings for "Root of Evil"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

==================

Review of "Golden Mile" by Sista Shakespeare (sista_shakespeare@my-
dejanews.com).  Guest review by Dave Myers.

Synopsis: Ferris wheel sex.

The story itself has a great hook and a nice feel to it. There are too many
distractions, however. Too often, writers quote lyrics from songs to try to
give us a feel for the scene, complete with music. It almost never works as
planned, and this is no exception. Add to that the misuse of semicolons
through the story, and I couldn't keep my eye on the heat. If cleaned up, it'd
have been a 10.

Rating for "Golden Mile": 8

==================

"Ghostlight" by Lostgirl (lostgirl33@hotmail.com). Review by Sven the Elder,
who may be contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13483.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240427 

Synopsis: Theatre Company seduction.  

I like stories that are cameos, with good vignettes.  This is a neat,
relatively concise story of behind the scenes seduction during a theatre
production.  To anyone who has ever indulged in Dramatics, amateur or
otherwise, the scenario is entirely believable.   The sex is there, but
implied, rather than thrust forward. That is a refreshing change and in this
case makes for a sexy story. Read and enjoy.

Ratings for "Ghostlight" 
Athena (technical quality):  10     - a pleasure to read
Venus   (plot & character):  9     - a fraction more development 
	perhaps.
Sven  (appeal to reviewer):  9.5  - Good read, if a little short.
 
==================

"An Early Morning" by  Diana Svensson (diana_svensson@yahoo.com)
Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com)
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13504.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376245525 

I'd previously read Diana Svensson's first offering, "The Sad Lad."  That
effort was an enigmatic one, darkly mysterious, and when I "got it," startling
and horrific in its ending. 

"An Early Morning," her second effort, stays well away from erotic horror and
while somewhat more fleshed out, remains more an erotic scene than a story.
Meeting her boyfriend in the kitchen, she's turned on by his classic good
looks and teases him, pulling his boxer shorts down, which understandably
produces the expected result. Aroused, she takes him into her mouth and he
responds as most viral young men do, slowly growing erect. Breakfast
forgotten, she fellates him to orgasm, accepting his ejaculate as a "precious
reward."

I believe it was Diana's intention to write a little piece about the sweetness
of erotic feelings and their sensual mood more than a conventional story with
characters and a plot.  It didn't quite make it, largely that it was too brief
and perhaps more descriptive than dwelling in the mood.  It moved right up to
and then stopped a tad short.

Still, I commend her attempt, for it's an early effort, written in a second
language and definitely shows promise.  I'd urge her to write more, for in my
personal correspondence with her, it's clear she has a delightfully fertile
mind.

Ratings for "An Early Morning"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (a few minor grammatical errors)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (it suffers from lack of plot)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 8 (still it was sweet)

==================

"Journey Into Sexual Awareness" by Desdmona22.  Guest rejoinder by JJMoneyBoy
(JJMoneyBoy@aol.com).
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12880.txt
	---
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017287 

{Celestial note: This story received a negative review from one of my guest
reviewers.  This is a reply to that review.  I don't want to initiate a policy
of reviewing the reviews in CR, but this is a well written critique that I'd
like to share with you.  If more needs to be said, I think it can be handled
in a.s.s.d.}

My Dear MJ

It's time for me to pull up a chair, pour myself a cold one, and for us to
have a little heart-to-tart conversation. For your edification, I would be the
"heart".

Your so-called "review" of Desdmona22's story "Journal Into Sexual Awareness"
is sorely lacking on several fronts. In fact, to paraphrase your own words,
"Bereft of a single redeeming feature, this 'review' doesn't deserve a
review". Rather, what I'm going to do in a few paragraphs is to illustrate
what you're lacking and what you've missed about the story.

Let's start at the very top, shall we. Here in Chicago, we've always thought
that's a great place to begin. Although I'll submit <wink, wink> that other
places CAN be equally delightful from which to start. <speaking from personal
experience>

The very first line is "Subject: Journey into Sexual Awareness (M/F, anal,
humor)". Calling your attention to the very last word ... it's H-U-M-O-R. I'll
speak slowly here, so as not to confuse.  H--U--M--O--R.  Are you familiar
with that word?? Do you know it's meaning??? Or do you need to refer back to
the OED?? <Here in Chicago we refer to that very simply as a "dictionary" ...
just trying to be helpful, MJ ... no need to thank me>

H-U-M-O-R ... hmmm, no, we do NOT spell it with the extra vowel. 

Humor, as defined here, means to laugh at, quality of being funny, and here's
the most damning of the definitions, especially in your case, MJ, (quoting
directly) "quality for perceiving the amusing". AH HAAAA ... therein lies the
quandry.

As someone who is Jesuit educated, I have some familiarity with dictionaries,
thesauruses and the like. Thankfully, having watched baseball and other
sporting events here in Chicago for many decades, I've also been imbued with a
hearty appreciation for "perceiving the amusing".

Your spelling, my pet, gives away the problem in no small measure. You refer
in YOUR first sentence to "laboured humour", which labels you as a Brit or a
north-of-the-border neighbor. Both are well-known for their lack of
appreciation of "perceiving the amusing". 

As to the "carelessness with grammar", etc., who gives the proverbial rats
ass. Not all of us are Rhodes Scholars; not all of us were educated at the
highest levels; not all of us are bound by some absurd, uptight, brain-
cramping, humorless "code of conduct" that make it a requirement to dot every
"I" and cross every "T". As your own Prince Dumbo has shown, yours is among
the most anal of people. Get a grip, get a clue, get a life.

I find it offensive that your "review" calls into question the lack of use of
four-letter words to more graphically describe the "Madam's" body parts. Once
again, you've missed the point ... though not shockingly so. The art of
seduction, the art of description, the art of flirting can ALL be accomplished
without the use of bluntness.

A well-known seminar speaker once recounted "I'd rather be served a hamburger
on a piece of fine china than a piece of filet mignon slapped across my face".
<note ... that was humor>

Referring to "A", "B", and "C" was not only clever, it was a refreshing
departure from the "vagina, cunt, slit, pussy, etc" that you seem to find so
vital in "descriptive" writing. The art comes not in using pedestrian terms to
describe the subject, but in using unusual terms to describe the common. Get
it?? It means she is understated. There can be humor in understatement and
subtlety, MJ, although after reading your "review", I'm not sure if you could
find a clue in a room full of them.

I, for one, found more than a few "vestiges of eroticism", MJ, and I
vigourously (a doff of the chapeau in your general direction with that
spelling) applaud Desdmona's writing style. It is refreshing, both style and
substance are unusual, and a story matter not unfamiliar to many married (and
I'm sure unmarried) people struggling to find new, untapped ground in the all-
important arena of conjugal relations, known to you as "fucking". I, for one,
truly enjoy being seduced, whether it be in real life or with the written
word.  I LOVE seeing a jacket slipped from a tan shoulder (no additional vowel
added) to reveal a red scarf with nothing else beneath it. THAT, my lovely, is
erotic with a capital "E". A mind is a terrible thing to waste, MJ, on such
vagaries as "erotic". Like beauty, it is truly in the mind of the beholder.

Oh, your reference to "back home in bed with her husband (such excitement!)"
is puzzling. I can only pray that your husband or significant other (of
whichever sex) can engage you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Such is
the basis of many a long-lasting relationship. The human mind (and its
"burning synapses") are stimulated in a variety of ways. I find the love of my
life to be the most erotic woman I've ever known (my synapses are 'en fuego'
even as we speak) in part because I think she's beautiful beyond description,
in part because her body is to die for, and in part because the essence of her
is so very stimulating. I find some of my most wonderful memories to be days
to be spent not in bed, but rather, simply in her company. Some of the most
memorable and intimate moments we've shared have come after the most
"innocent" of days in which we did little more than spend time with each
other. It's that same total package that leads her husband to come to bed
sporting "an erection". He finds his wife to be stimulating and desirable even
after many years of marriage. Bless his heart. YOU should be so lucky.

Yes, it might be argued that syntax and sentence construction need a little
work, but, who the hell cares??? Each of us writes for our own pleasure. If
someone else on this spinning planet gets some benefit or pleasure from
reading what we've written, so be it. If not, a pox on all their houses!!!!

Oh, one last thing ... the "petri dish" reference seems to have left you in
something of a blather. A reference to the first sentence in the story would
remind you of the fact that the author is a nurse. Aren't many of the best
stories written from the perspective of something known?? Wouldn't someone in
the medical profession know of "an old-fashioned petri dish sort of way"??? 

And to you, MJ, I wish an ice-cold glass of your favorite adult beverage and
an enema. You need a check-up from the neck-up. OOPS ... there I go again,
using an obscure medical reference.

Hey MJ, wanna go get drunk and fuck???

Yours in Christ,
Jerry

==================

* "Horny out of My Mind" by Frank McCoy (mccoyf@millcomm.com).  
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=175828564 

About a week ago I received in my e-mail several stories from this author.
Yesterday I received a follow-up message.  In it the author apologized, saying
that he realized that I didn't like stories like these but he hoped I would
find time to read them anyway.  So it was with some trepidation that I sat
down 45 minutes ago with "Horny out of My Mind" on the computer screen.

I was lucky the house was empty.  My family would have thought I had gone
crazy.  Here I was in the late afternoon, laughing my head off in front of the
computer!  Was this author serious when he said he thought I wouldn't like
stories like these?  Maybe he was pulling my leg - or maybe I took his really
serious story in the wrong way.  As I understand it, this is a story about a
young lady who gets knocked up by a friendly guy who's old enough to be her
father but is really a stud and who requests his wife's permission before he
has sex with his new friend.  The girl gets hornier and hornier as the ensuing
pregnancy progresses, and pretty soon she is screwing from sunrise to sunset
and beyond.  There's not much I can say about this story; the plot is
summarized in the previous sentence, and superficially it sounds pretty lame.
There's not even much detailed description of heavy sex activities - just
clever summaries of what's happening.  But I thoroughly enjoyed this story.  

Rating: "Horny out of My Mind": 10 (old system)

==================

* "The Guarantee" by Frank McCoy (mccoyf@millcomm.com).
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=269362545 

This is a story about an emotionally distraught 16-year-old boy who has never
had a date.  His sex-goddess older sister arranges five dates for him. As the
title suggests, she "guarantees" that he will enjoy himself immensely on each
date - otherwise she will personally guarantee his happiness herself when he
returns from an unsatisfying date.  

Several people have recently contributed to posting a list of "most popular
a.s.s. cliches."  This story "authenticates" almost all of those popular
theories.

Mark's first date is with the twelve-year-old next door.  This date verifies
the cliche that twelve-year-old virgins are generally emotionally mature,
eager recipients of the sexual attention of horny sixteen-year-olds, that they
spontaneously give good head and are multi-orgasmic with their tight little
cunnies, and that their mothers genuinely appreciate the older boy's kindness
in fucking the little darlings.

The second date is with a girl who is viewed by most of the other kids as a
slutty "dog."  She turns out to be beautiful, unselfish, and wonderfully
generous (the reason she still has buck teeth is because she set aside her
dental needs and devoted the money to the upbringing of the baby she had
conceived with her father when she was about 10 years old); and she brings the
boy to even greater rapture than the little girl of the previous week.  This
date corroborates the notion that little girls who begin having regular sex
with their fathers when they are six years old generally show no ill effects,
but rather continue to have spontaneous and joyful sexual relations with
numerous partners as they pass through adolescence.  In general, when mothers
catch the old man fucking the little girl, they shout encouragement and offer
to join the fun.  Many a time a good mother will have Daddy fuck each little
girl as a "birthday present" on her 10th birthday, so the child can feel what
it is like for a man to fuck her and cum inside her without protection, while
she can still enjoy it without having to worry about pregnancy. Of course,
this incestuous policy also keeps a girl from falling for the first guy who
gets into her panties.  {I THINK I got that one right....}  This date also
confirms the notion that sex is especially enjoyable when there's a deliberate
risk of pregnancy by a teenage girl and boy.  The very thought of possible
pregnancy gave Mark an instantaneous hard-on after he had just fucked Betty
Lou a half dozen times.  Finally, this date confirms the common assumption
that girls who become pregnant several times by their own father are likely to
become regular bookworms when they get to high school.  {I'm personally a bit
suspicious about the authenticity of some of these cliches.}

And so it goes.  There are three more dates and then the final climax.  Some
of the premises are even more far-fetched than those I have already mentioned.
If you're looking for coffee-table material for your children to pick up in
the hope that  they'll read it and acquire productive sexual values, this is
the wrong story.  On the other hand, the story is well written - aside from
the <giggles> and stuff that I find a bit annoying.  It really would be fun to
live in a world where people could act the way they do in this little corner
of fairy-tale Utopia; and if you're able to accept that premise, this really
is a sexy (though silly) story.  

The overall moral of this story is that people really are swell when you fuck
them just right.  Well, at least it's nice to think so.

Finally, I might add that although it is extremely unlikely that young
children and adolescents could engage in the activities depicted in this story
without significant psychological damage and emotional problems and although
many of the activities are just plain illegal, it is also true that this story
DOES accurately depict the way many young people (perhaps influenced by modern
media and even by stories like this) think their sexual lives will unfold:
fuck all you want and nobody will get hurt.  I think the ground rules of this
newsgroup say we're allowed to accept that worldview, but it makes one wonder
whether the conservatives might have a point when they harp on things like
parental responsibility.

Ratings for "The Guarantee"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

* "Dyad" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com) 
	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=171875428 

Holy shit!  Right here on a.s.s. I found almost the exact words I had spoken
barely a month ago to one of my daughters: "Well, I know this isn't what you
want to hear, but hardly anyone these days actually marries the person they
fall in love with when they're fifteen."  Only I said "she's" instead of
"they're," which is grammatically correct, and "sixteen" instead of "fifteen,"
which was chronologically correct.  Either my husband wrote this story or my
daughter did so, or my aphorism is actually common knowledge.  I'll assume for
now that the latter is the case.  

Since the author had my interest and my empathy, I became concerned when I
read, "I knew I could trust him. I always could. I used to wish I was his age,
that we had met in college or something. I would have married him in a minute!
Actually, I sometimes still wish that."  My reaction was, please, please don't
go simple-minded and have the father fuck the little girl to "help her regain
her self confidence."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I read Dad's advice: "I just wanted to suggest
that you don't have to be in a hurry to find a replacement for Joshua. You
might want to just do things with your buddies for awhile or by yourself. Go
out on some ordinary, friendly-type dates with no strings attached. I suspect
you'll get interested in another special boy when you're ready for it." OK!
<high fives> A sensible father!  

A little later the girl comes home from a date with a new guy - a date with
petting but without sex; and she unobservedly catches her mother and father
making love.  This makes her horny, but she doesn't jump into bed with them.
OK! <more high fives>  Normal people!

The story moved on to a father-daughter dinner at a restaurant, where she
talks to him about sex and love, and he responds sensitively.  On the way home
she realizes she has made a decision to rid herself of her virginal status
before morning and she is going to do it with the one male in the world whom
she trusts absolutely - her father.  I paused.  Actually, this was a realistic
emotion.  Lots of girls have similar feelings, and not many of them are
followed by "family fun."  I hoped the author wouldn't take the simplistic
route and have the old man help his little girl "grow up" and live happily
ever after by jumping into with her.

Several paragraphs later, after she had first finished her homework, the
daughter put on her sexiest nightie and went downstairs to seduce Daddy while
they watched TV together.  While the fantasy in the preceding paragraph is
extremely prevalent in families with non-asshole fathers, the actual attempt
at seduction is NOT all that common.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen,
but I paused to wonder what my husband would do if our daughter made a move on
him.  The kid was basically saying, "You're a wonderful man, and I love you
and want to share my first sexual experience with you."  I would not expect my
husband to call his daughter a dirty pervert, but I would also expect him to
do something other than fuck her.  I think he would probably get a hard-on,
but then he would gently but firmly push her away, thank her for the wonderful
compliment, and then have a heart-to-heart talk with her.  The talk would be
designed to convince her that she is a good and wonderful person who has a lot
to offer to someone in her life but that HE would not be that someone, even
though he loved her and found her to be extremely attractive, because he
already had an exclusive sexual relationship with someone else (c'est moi) and
because the father-daughter relationship is based on a different type of love.
I would hope that he would be very sensitive about how he expressed himself
and that he would make sure he didn't give her a feeling of being rejected.  I
would also hope that he would discuss the matter with me later and that he
would sublimate his sexual passion by fucking my brains out.

Actually, I recall a song by Fred Rogers (of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood"),
which is directed to a little boy who has told his mother that he's going to
marry her when he grows up.  {Even in "normal" families, little boys are
likely to say this.  They do so because they really like their mothers and/or
because they want to grow up to be like their fathers.}  Mr. Rogers responds
in his eloquent song with neat lines like "I'm already married, already
married; married to your Dad" and assures the child that someday he may marry
someone like her.  This kiddie song essentially says the same thing that I
said in the previous paragraph.  You don't think.... No!  Fred Rogers simply
cannot be posting stories under a false name on this newsgroup.  By the way, I
think the song is on the same casette as "You Can Never Go Down the Drain."  I
miss Mr. Rogers and the Gang from Sesame Street!

Back to the story.  I'm not going to tell you what the father and daughter do
in the story.  The possibilities range from doing it my way to joining the
Incest Club to something in between.  You'll have to read the story to see
what the author decided.  Of course, you could try to guess the ending from my
ratings; but hey, I'm broadminded enough to give a high rating to a good story
that doesn't do things my way.

Ratings for "Dyad"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

==================

* "Trinity Trilogy Novel 4/14" by Tom Trinity (stbush@iglou.com).  
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/560.txt 00
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/561.txt 01
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/562.txt 02
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/564.txt 03
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/563.txt 04 (Reviewed)
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/565.txt 05
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/573.txt 06
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/567.txt 07
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/574.txt 08
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/568.txt 09
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/566.txt 10
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/572.txt 11
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/570.txt 12
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/568.txt 13
	http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/571.txt 14

I have to admit that I have trouble deciding what to put into the parentheses
in my table of contents to describe each week's Trinity Trilogy segment.  This
week Shelby labeled the segment (mf,mff,ff,mfff,fff,etc).  I chose
(miscellaneous orgies).  Actually, what we have here is a trio of friends on a
helluva binge.

In the second story of this week's installment, Candy goes for her first plane
ride and immediately joins the mile-high club. I'll believe almost anything;
but I have my doubts about the joys of having sex in an airliner restroom.  I
know people do it, but it just doesn't sound like fun.  I have given and
received orgasms on moving airplanes; but never in a restroom.  My advice is
to use blankets to cover yourself and wait for other people around you to go
to sleep.  Use your hands under the blankets; that's what they're for.
{Figure out that grammar!}

In another chapter we have the reappearance of Val and Veronica, the
mother/daughter team that fucked Tom's brains out at a previous sci-fi
convention.  It's deja vu all over again!

So let me summarize.  This story starts with Tom finishing up with Janie from
last week's segment.  On the plane to Phoenix he fucks Judy and Candy in the
john.  In Phoenix he goes looking for Veronica and finds her mother (Val)
instead and fucks her until Veronica returns, and then he fucks them both
until he leaves with Veronica and goes to Janie's hotel room where he fucks
them both and then leaves them together and returns to Val, who fucks him
repeatedly for the rest of the night.  The next morning he leaves Val and is
picked up by a total stranger (Alicia) with whom he has very pleasant sex, and
then he discovers that Alicia has been sent to him by Janie and Veronica, and
so he fucks all three of them in gratitude.  Then - and this is the good part
- then the NEXT chapter is entitled "The Orgy"!  When I went to bed after
reading this segment, my husband kissed me tenderly; and I said to him, "Let
me give you a raincheck.  I'm exhausted."  In other words, both
(mf,mff,ff,mfff,fff,etc) and (miscellaneous orgies) were accurate descriptions
of this segment.  I guess you could get a bit jaded on too much good sex; but
I found this segment tolerable - to put it mildly.

Ratings for "Trinity Trilogy Novel 4/14"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

<end>
