Celestial Reviews 75 - April 4, 1996

Note:  I am now using a rating system which gives each story three 
discrete ratings.  These are explained in more detail in my FAQ, but 
here is a summary.

Athena Rating.  This rating covers such matters as grammar, spelling, 
formatting, and creative use of the language.  A story with essentially 
no serious grammar, spelling, or usage problems will receive a rating 
of 8.  To get a rating of 9 or 10, the author will have to do something 
creative with the language.  

Venus Rating.  This rating describes such matters as plot and character 
development.  

Celeste Rating.  This rating describes how much I myself liked the 
story.  

Second Note:  Authors often ask how I select stories for review.  I get 
them from two sources: (1) authors (or others) send me stories via e-
mail, and (2) I find stories that sound interesting in the a.s.s. 
postings.  When I get busy, I rely more heavily on (1).  If you have a 
story that you would like me to review, you should probably send it to 
me.  If you send me a story, I consider that to be a sign that you want 
me to talk about it publicly in these reviews.  If you want help with a 
story before you post it, I can match you up with one or two of the 
volunteer proofreaders who have offered to help authors on this 
newsgroup 

- Celeste

      "Funhouse" by RC (mind control) 10, 9, 10
      "Old Friends" by Mark Aster (ff sex & voyeurism) 10, 10,
            10
      "Mating Flight" by D.A. Ignatius (dragon sex) 10, 8, 5
      "Bed and Breakfast" by RC (ghostly sex) 9.5, 9.5, 9
      "Term Paper" by BillyG (sexy flirtation) 10, 10, 10
      "Travels with Aunt Paula" by Estragon (female dominance)
            10, 10, 10

"Funhouse" by RC (74734.271@CompuServe.COM).  If you have ever ridden 
the "funhouse" ride in an amusement park, you have no doubt noticed 
that there is a side track that does not follow the normal route.  You 
have perhaps wondered where that track goes.  The two women in this 
story find out. As their car nears the entrance, the female operator 
smiles mysteriously and pulls a lever that sends them into a dark, 
hypnotic area that Deirdre would be proud to call her own.

This is a good story, but it does not exhaust the full potential 
suggested by its setup.  Since it has been over three months since my 
last Annual Celestial Writing Contest, I hereby proclaim another.  The 
only requirement is that the story has to include a funhouse theme.  
Any sort of funhouse theme that includes sex will do.  Send entries to 
me by April 30.  I'll announce the winners and review all entries 
shortly after the deadline.  Authors will be encouraged to post their 
stories at that time as well.  In the previous two contests we've 
obtained some great "Locksmith" stories and "In Flight" fantasies.  I 
look forward to receiving your entries.  If you submit early, I'll even 
give you feedback that might help you improve your story.

Ratings for "Funhouse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Old Friends" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  In a barely awake 
state, Our Hero is watches the Allen sisters make tender love to each 
other.  What I enjoyed most about this story is that even though Pat 
and Julie do the same things that people usually do in ff sex scenes, 
the author manages to convey a sense of tranquil passion and friendship 
that seems to be perfectly natural.  There's not a lot of grunting and 
groaning, just warm passion heightened by the fact that we know Our 
Hero is watching without bothering to wake up completely.

Ratings for "Old Friends"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Mating Flight" by D.A. Ignatius (jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu).  The sex in 
this story is a little more animalistic than that to which I am 
accustomed - literally.  By that I mean that this story describes a 
mating ritual between two dragons.  Authors have a right and I guess 
maybe a need to stretch the wings of their imagination, but I'm not a 
dragon person.  In spite of what I just said, this story did hold a 
certain fascination for a while; but I just didn't know or care enough 
about those creatures to remain permanently interested.  I suppose a 
person married or engaged to a dragon or who keeps one in the back yard 
might find this story more interesting than I did.

Ratings for "Mating Flight"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Bed and Breakfast" by RC (74734.271@compuserve.com).  A man arrives at 
a New England bed and breakfast inn; the owner assigns him to a back 
room; and the owner's daughter becomes visibly upset over this 
assignment.  What's her problem?  I always tell my students that when 
the author catches their attention like this, they should try to guess 
what might happen next.  Then as new information emerges they should 
adjust and modify their initial guess to suit the new context.  I have 
done this in the past with Deirdre's stories, and so I'll try again 
here.  So what's the problem?

One possibility is that the room is simply adjacent to the daughter's 
own room.  She might be a shy lass, and having a well-hung stud next 
door might make her nervous.  That hypothesis sounds dull.

Or the room might previously have been occupied by someone near and 
dear to the girl - perhaps her first true love who subsequently died 
under unfortunate circumstances.  This hypothesis sounds good.

Or the room might be haunted.  The second hypothesis sounds best so 
far.

I'm glad I mentioned that last possibility, because Abigail (the daughter) 
grabs the visitor and warns him that when the place was first built, the 
owner's daughter resided in that room.  She had been arrested and executed. 
Her ghost still haunts that room. Our foolhardy boarder laughs gently and 
resolves to stay.  It's time to revise my hypotheses.

It's almost certain that a ghost will appear.  One possibility is that 
the ghost will have her merry way with our wayfarer and send him 
happily on his way.  {Since the narrator lived to tell the story, he 
probably won't die during sexual exstacy.}

Another possibility is that Abigail will join in the festivities.

A third possibility is that Abigail IS the ghost.  I like this theory; 
but I'd have to see her naked to verify it.  More likely, Abigail might 
be intimately involved in some way with the ghost.

Soon we find out the ghost's crime: having sex with another woman.  
Colonial New Englander's frowned on that practice, which was akin to 
witchcraft.

Interestingly, at his point I had to pause: was the boarder a man or a 
woman?  I glanced back over the earlier text.  Although I had assumed 
this was a man, the text didn't tell.  A few lines later I read that 
bras and panties from the suitcase were strewn about the room.  So we 
have either an unusual man or a woman here.  I'll go with the woman 
theory.  This forces a major shift in my thinking: we now have a 
(presumably) middle-aged woman, an attractive young woman, and the 
ghost of a young woman who had been executed by Puritans for 
lesbianism.

I'm going to stop telling the story now.  As you know, ghosts operate 
under different rules in different stories; and part of the fun of a 
ghost story is finding out what those rules are in the current tale.  
All I can tell you now is that this ghost is capable of engaging in 
sexual activities that are extremely satisfying to human females.


Ratings for "Bed and Breakfast"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"He Likes to Watch" by Richard Baudouin (ribaud@cycor.ca).  A man 
responds to a personal ad in the newspaper and finds himself matched up 
with a sexy exhibitionist whose husband enjoys watching another man 
slip his wife the hot salami.  He does, while they do.  The action is 
clearly described and sexy.  The main problem that I had with this 
story was that the presence of the voyeur was almost invisible.  It 
would seem to me that if the voyeur is the focus of the title, his 
activities and state of mind should be more central to the plot.  
Instead, I mostly forgot about the husband except when the narrator 
occasionally mentioned his innocuous presence.

Ratings for "He Likes to Watch" 
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Term Paper" by BillyG (billyg@hooked.net).  The older male student is 
working with the younger female student on a joint term paper in a 
class on Erotic Themes in Contemporary Theater."  They retire to his 
apartment for practical verification of their theoretical research.  
The main emphasis in this story is on flirtation, and the author 
carries it off very well.

Ratings for "Term Paper" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Travels with Aunt Paula" by Estragon.  Paula is the guardian for her 
ten-year-old nephew, the child of her deceased sister.  Since she 
generally requires Cal to appear naked in her presence, we might 
suspect that she is a dirty old woman.  Not true! Paula's every desire 
toward Cal is indeed maternal, even her long-established insistence on 
his naked humility. It is all for his own good.  She has always known 
in her heart that a worshipful man is a happy man; and an adored and 
well-served woman is happier still. All she wants for her sweet nephew 
is as much happiness as a life of early sorrow can still afford. 

We learn several important Hidden Truths from the Feminist Catechism - 
a few things that make one go "Hmmmm."  For example, why does it feel 
good for a boy to have his penis become hard?  Answer: Because the 
erection shows that the nearby female has power over him, and it's good 
to be honest and respectful in that way.  We also witness a detailed 
description of circumcision - that sacrament (best conferred when young 
girls are holding the boy's legs apart) which is designed to humiliate 
and shame a young boy and to enable him to find his place in the world 
designed for women. 

After his circumcision, young Cal became popular with the local girls, 
many of whom had been present at his gala circumcision and who had told 
their friends that here was a lad who was willing to become obediently 
naked for instructional or conversational purposes.  They could ask him 
questions about his boy things and even touch them if they wanted. His 
aunt didn't mind at all, and nobody even knew whether he did. Nobody 
asked him. Nobody really cared. The girls who heard all this said it 
was incredible but they'd believe it when they saw it. Cal had many 
visitors. 

The censors might be suspicious of this story - thinking, for example, 
that there is something unseemly in the idea of an 11-year-old girl 
gazing at and touching the newly circumcised penis of a 6-year-old boy.  
That would be the perception of a person with a filthy mind; most 
readers of this story will easily see that this is simply an example of 
a lower-order member of the species offering his genitalia as an 
educational tool for a young member of the Super Race.  For, as every 
British schoolgirl knows (with apologies to Thomas Babington Macaulay), 
"The battle of the sexes is lost before it even begins.  Ladies just 
happen to enjoy being reminded of this fact." 

Like most of Estragon's writing, this story is a fictionalized version 
of a feminist philosophical tract.  Some readers will find the ideas a 
bit exaggerated or even bizarre.  "Who could ever believe crap like 
this?" they'll say.  Well, my old Aunt Emma, for one.  I escaped from 
her clutches long ago (I think).  She's dead now and can no longer 
reach me (I hope).  But she had these weird ideas about religion that 
ran exactly parallel to Aunt Paula's sexual theories.  Aunt Emma's 
books did not emphasize physical circumcision or sexual humiliation - 
just spiritual versions of the same themes.  I haven't looked at the 
"Imitation of Christ" lately - and I doubt that it's high on the 
reading list of most a.s.s. readers - but my recollection is that it 
seriously argues that humans become more perfect by becoming better 
slaves of God.  My point is that if otherwise sensible people have been 
known to apply this dominance/slavery theory to the relationship 
between God and humankind, it should hardly be surprising to see it 
applied to the relationship between men and women.

Estragon writes extremely well, and this is another good story.  Every 
time I sit down at my computer to review one of Estragon's stories, I 
say to myself, "This female dominance stuff is nonsense.  I want men to 
be my equals, not my slaves."  Then, as I read the outlandish but 
interesting events in the story, I find myself realizing that there's a 
huge kernel of truth behind what Estragon is saying.

Ratings for "Travels with Aunt Paula" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: THE FRENCH CONNECTI0N.  The French language 
sometimes differentiates between males and females by adding an e to 
the end of the feminine version of words.  In a few cases English words 
derived from the French follow this same custom.  Here are two that I 
have seen this week.

FIANCE, FIANCEE.  If a guy is having sex with his fiance, he's engaging 
in homosexual behavior.  A woman is a fiancee.  The two words are 
pronounced exactly alike, but the woman gets the extra e.  {Actually, 
there should be an acute accent mark above the final e in the male 
version and above the penultimate e in the female version, but ASCII 
doesn't do accents.}

BLOND, BLONDE.  When used as a noun, females often get the extra e.  
However, current usage seems to permit "blond" for either males or 
females.  When used as an adjective directly modifying a noun, the e is 
considered to be incorrect.  Thus, a blonde has blond hair.  When the 
adjective is a predicate adjective, the extra e is acceptable: "She 
looked blonde to me."  In short, if your only concern is to be 
grammatically correct, you can safely use "blond" all the time.  On the 
other hand, if you want to be clear about the gender of the person 
you're having sex with or if you want to accentuate her feminine 
qualities, you may want to add an e to the description of the lady's 
hair color.  Probably the most important consideration is to be 
consistent: if you start with blondes, stick with blondes throughout 
your story.  My unabridged dictionary does not comment on whether one 
can actually identify a "true blonde" by the color of her pussy hair.

<SPRING BREAK>:  I AM POSTING THIS ISSUE ON APRIL 4.  THEN I AM TAKING 
A SHORT BREAK.  THE NEXT ISSUE OF CELESTIAL REVIEWS WILL APPEAR ON 
APRIL 10.
