Dancing With Tears In My Eyes [ FF ]

By Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

She sat alone in her dorm room. She'd turned off all the lights, the darkness
mirroring her heart. Her tiny room had just seemed so small. So claustrophobic.
The darkness helped. Her mind allowing the illusion of a ballroom in the 
absence of light. Some sort of limitless expanse in which to lose herself. 
The small room had never bothered her before. Just tonight.

She stretched herself out. Lying down on the single bed. Burying her head
in her soft pillow, one leg bent at the knee. Her bare foot pointing to the
low ceiling. She let her feelings wash over her. Jason. Jason had just left. 
They had sat together. Right here. On this bed. Her softly crying. Him. 
Speaking in hushed caring tones. Right here. After they'd made gentle love. 
She still hadn't bothered to get dressed, feeling the covers beneath her 
body. She could still sense his presence. His scent washing over her.
He'd dressed and let himself out and she'd just roused herself enough to 
switch off the lights.

He was sorry. She knew that he was. He'd found someone else. Someone more
compatible. Someone that he thought that he loved. She felt the tears well
up in her eyes again. He had never meant to hurt her. She believed that. In
her heart. She struggled to control herself. Not wanting to cry again.

She understood. They had never really committed to each other. Then why
the hell did her heart ache so very much? Why did she suddenly feel so
bereft? So lonely? She had known in her heart that this day was going to 
happen. She could sense it. That her feelings were so much stronger than 
his. But, as usual, she had ignored it. Letting herself get swept along. 
Letting her heart get torn in two again. She fought the tears again and 
won. She actually felt herself smile a bit at the small victory.

She swallowed and turned over onto her back. Letting her arms fall out to
the side, over the sides of the small bed. She discovered that it didn't matter
if she closed her eyes or not. Crazy thoughts running through her head.
Could I sleep with my eyes open if it was this dark? That was a Jason-type
thought. She could almost feel his body moving with her. Knowing that she'd 
never feel it ever again. She savoured the memory. Still fighting back the 
tears. She reminded herself that she'd still see him. In calculus. She knew 
in her heart that she was just making it harder on herself. That she should 
try to let him go. Forget about him. Go on with her life. But she'd always 
had trouble letting go. Eventually, this pain would fade. She knew that. It 
always did. Time heals all wounds. Right?

She drew her knees up. How long had he been gone? How long had she been
lying here? She really didn't know.

She almost didn't answer the phone when it rang. Not feeling like talking
to anyone. Her mind played tricks on her. She was suddenly convinced that it 
was Jason. She fought the urge to pick it up. Talk to him. Convince him 
somehow that she still loved him. But it was over. Irrevocably. She knew 
that she couldn't do it. No matter how much her heart wanted her to. The 
phone rang insistently. She rolled over and put her small hand on the 
receiver. She took a deep breath. Ready to pick it up. She had no idea 
what to say to Jason. The phone fell silent.

She sighed and rolled back over to her back. Resuming her former position.
Her knees drawn up. Her arms just lying outstretched. She tried to think of
something else. Something that didn't involve Jason. Wind. Simple wind.
Wind that lifted the kites that Jason and her had flown on one of their first
dates. They hadn't had much money, but they bought the cheap kites at
a hardware store. Like for a dollar each or something. They had chased 
each other to the park and laid side by side in the grass, laughing as 
the kites soared into the clear blue sky. God, she had loved him, even then. 
She shook her head. Tears falling uninvited again.

She slowly sat up as she heard a soft knock at her door. Hugging her bare
knees. Had to be Jason. She couldn't face him. Impossible. She curled 
herself up into a ball and was silent. The lights were off. He'd go away.

"Karen?" It wasn't Jason's voice. For a second, her mind couldn't place
the feminine tones. Not even realizing the voice was female at first, so 
convinced was she that it was going to be Jason. Then even muffled through 
the door, she recognized it. Kimberly. Her best friend. They'd roomed 
together in first year. She was really out of it. She didn't feel like 
seeing anyone right now. Even Kimberly. She just wanted to be left alone. 
But she knew she should at least answer the door.

Another hesitant knock. She heard Kimberly call her name softly again and then 
give up. Her quiet footsteps beginning to move away from the door. Assuming 
that Karen wasn't in her room or perhaps was asleep.

She suddenly felt the need for human contact. Understanding perhaps. Maybe
just someone to cry on. She felt it deep in her breast. Lying here by
herself in the dark, with her memories, just didn't seem right anymore.

She swung her bare legs off the bed and fumbled for her bathrobe in the pitch
darkness. The robe that she knew was carelessly draped across the back of her 
desk chair. She wrapped the huge terrycloth around herself, clinched the belt,
and moved to the steel door. She opened it, poking her head out into the 
light. Blinking furiously.

"Kim?" she softly called down the hall. Kimberly wasn't in view. Karen closed
her eyes. She'd lost Kimberly as well. Seemed to be her night for losing
people. Her head lowered in defeat. She should have answered when Kimberly 
was knocking. Her own stupid fault.

She opened her eyes. Ready to return to her moping. She glanced up the hallway
as she was closing the door. Kimberly was striding up the hall carrying a 
thick textbook under her arm. Her eyes on the floor. Intent on thoughts of 
her own.

"Kim!" the girl exclaimed. Her heart lifted just a touch.

"Karen? I thought you weren't there. I was just heading over to the study
lounge. Want to go? Were you asleep or something? I knocked. What's the 
matter?" Kimberly was speaking as she approached. Concern flashing across her 
features as she took in Karen's tear streaked cheeks and puffy eyes.

Karen swung the heavy door open, wordlessly inviting her friend in and 
waiting for Kimberly to enter.

"You were in the dark? Crying? Sweety. What's the matter?"

Kimberly walked in and didn't turn on the light. She dropped her textbook on
Karen's cluttered desk. Karen let the door shut quietly, plunging them into 
darkness. Kimberly didn't seem to mind. Sensing that Karen just wanted to be
in the dark. Karen heard the bed squeak as Kimberly sat down, settling back 
against the headboard.

A disembodied voice floated out from the vicinity of the bed. "It's Jason. 
Isn't it? You broke up with him."

"Yes," Karen choked on the word. Not quite believing it herself.

"I'm sorry. He. Was something special to you. Wasn't he?"

Tears were running down Karen's face, uncontrollably. She couldn't even speak 
the words she felt. She sank to her knees. Finally letting it out. She lowered
her forehead to the cold floor and just sobbed. Her whole body shaking.
She cried, letting Kimberly hear her sobs where she couldn't even cry like this
alone. Finally, it passed. She managed to rise to her knees. Her body still 
hitching with her feelings.

She felt Kimberly's arms wind around her. She hadn't even realized that she
had moved off the bed. She gratefully just melted into the embrace. Taking
some comfort from the sympathy and closeness of a friend. Kimberly just
rocked her for what seemed like an eternity. Patiently. Knowing what Karen
was going through. What every girl goes through. The girl in her arms fighting
thoughts of Jason. The thoughts making her cry quietly once in a while. 

Finally, the thoughts, whatever they were, weren't capable of causing any more
tears. She just smiled weakly in the dark. Cried herself out. For now.

With a final sniffle, she squirmed out of Kimberly's arms. Kimberly released
her friend and waited for her to speak.

"I'm sorry," Karen apologized. "I was determined not to do that. You were
going to study hall."

"It's alright. Some things are more important than history. Trust me. You
alright?"

Karen nodded. And realized that Kimberly couldn't see her in the dark.
"Yes. I guess," she answered verbally.

"You know what you need?"

"I need to have a hot bath and sleep. Like forever. Or until I stop hurting."

"Well, you probably do, but you need to get out. You've had your cry. You
should get out. Don't be alone. Not tonight. Don't mope around. Come to
the BombShelter." The BombShelter was the campus pub. "Listen to some
music. See people. I'll go with you. We can get a group together if you
want."

"I. I don't think I'm up to being with a group. Just you and me? I don't 
have to do anything? I can just sit there? No guys?"

"Nothing you don't want to do. And I promise I won't let you go home with
any guys. *That* definitely wouldn't be good for you." Karen could almost 
see her friend smiling in the dark.

She heard Kimberly rise off her knees. "Come on. Get dressed."

The desk light suddenly came on, blinding Karen. The girl threw her arm across
her eyes. Softly grumbling about inconsiderate friends and lack of warnings. 
She slowly got to her bare feet. When her eyes had adjusted to the diffused 
light she glanced at Kimberly. She was standing by the door, leaning back on 
it, just watching Karen, arms crossed just under her breasts. Not surprised 
by the disheveled bathrobe Karen had thrown on.

She made to leave, her hand on the doorknob. 

Karen spoke. "You going to go like that?"

Kimberly shrugged. She was wearing faded jeans and a University of Waterloo 
sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. And she was wearing
light makeup. "It's not like I'm going to pick up guys," she remarked.
"No guys. Remember? That goes for me too."

Her hand twisted the doorknob. "I'll wait for you out in the hall. Try not
to take all night getting ready. 'kay?"

"You don't have to leave."

"I'm not leaving. Just giving you some privacy."

"We slept in the same room for a full year. Don't worry about it." Karen 
dropped the bathrobe. She wasn't shy of her body. She'd even have opened 
the door nude if she hadn't thought that Jason might be around. It would have
been easier than putting on the bathrobe in the dark. She hurriedly picked 
up her underwear from the floor and slipped it on. She'd worn some more 
risque lingerie tonight because of Jason. But she couldn't be bothered hunting 
around for fresh conventional stuff. The lacy bra and panties hadn't been worn
all that long anyway. Kimberly raised her eyebrows. She had leaned back against 
the closed door again. A little uncomfortable at being in the small room 
while Karen changed. When they'd shared the room in first year, they had 
sort of turned their backs, given each other as much privacy as they could. 
Kimberly had appreciated it at the time.

"No guys. I'm serious." Kimberly was taking note of the lingerie.

"I know. I know. They were just what was handy. You said you wanted me to
hurry. I don't even know if I have anything else clean."

Karen pulled on a pair of wrinkled blue jeans. Pulling them up over her hips. 
She slipped a silk blouse off the chair, and buttoned it quickly over her bra. 
Tucking it into her jeans. She hunted around and found a pair of clean white 
ankle socks. She sat down on the bed and pulled them over her toes. Kimberly 
just watched quietly as Karen dressed. Karen slipped her feet into her running 
shoes and glanced at herself in the mirror. She squawked. "Oh my God. Look 
at me."

"You're fine."

"You were going to let me go to the bar like this?"

"You wouldn't have had any trouble with guys." Kimberly couldn't contain a
grin.

"Shit." Karen hurriedly brushed out her brunette hair, letting it just fall
loose around her shoulders. "I'll forgo the make up. But I have to at least 
wash my face." Tear streaks were still evident down her cheeks and her eyes 
were a little red and puffy.

She picked up her keys and purse and the two women stepped out into the hall. 
Karen pulled her door shut behind her and carefully locked it. As they passed 
the washroom at the end of the hall, she ducked in and scrubbed her face.
Looking at herself in the mirror, she was satisfied. Not bad. All things
considered.

Her thoughts flitted to Jason. She felt the tears brimming again. But she
willed them back. She leaned on the sink and took some deep breaths. Kimberly
was right. This would be good for her. Listening to some loud music. Drinking
a beer or two. Seeing people. Better than lounging around in her dark room,
not even bothering to dress and thinking of him. Distraction. That's what
she needed.

She pushed herself away and rejoined Kimberly in the hall. They linked
arms and walked out into the warm spring night. They got a few odd looks
as they walked across campus, their feet ringing on the bridge across
the stream by the medical center. Karen found herself laughing at the 
absurdity of them walking arm in arm to the bar. Despite herself, she 
was having fun. Probably needing it.

They turned into the Campus Center, releasing their arms as they approached
the Bomber. They entered the noisy bar, showing their student cards as ID.
Kimberly pointed out a table at the back and they moved towards it. They sat
down on the uncomfortable chairs. The music was loud. Tunes from the early 
eighties. Frankie Goes to Hollywood. There was a ton of freshmen on the 
dance floor gyrating under the lights. A million voices raised, some 
drunkenly, shouting "Relax. Don't do it. When you want to COME!" over the 
speakers. Karen thought she recognized the tune. Kimberly leaned across 
the table. Shouting over the music. "What do you want to drink?"

"Rickard's."

Kimberly nodded and got up. She made her way slowly towards the bar. Talking
briefly to people that she recognized.

Karen turned her attention back towards the dance floor. Watching the
throng. She was surprised when someone touched her shoulder. Too soon for
Kimberly to get back.

She looked up. A young guy in a black leather engineering jacket. Class of
'98. He almost seemed nervous.

She smiled up at him. "Hello?"

"Hi, I'm Thomas. Uh. This really isn't a pick up line. Honest. But you sorta
looked lonely. I. I was wondering if you'd care to dance?" Whether it was
a pick up line or not, she knew that she looked lonely. She felt lonely.
She honestly had hoped that it wasn't showing. And she was surprised that
this guy had been brave enough to ask her. She knew she was hardly looking
her best. Perhaps he was just being nice.

Her mind flashed back. This was how she'd met Jason. He'd asked her to dance.
Only it was at Fed Hall. Not here. No preamble. No conversation. Just dancing.
The music had dropped to a slower beat almost as soon as they'd gotten to
the dance floor. They had just moved together. They had fit. They had talked
later. For the whole night. Under the stars. Out by Village Two.

She shook her head. Trying to clear it. Forget Jason. She knew that she
wasn't going to succeed. No matter what. How was she ever going to forget him?
He'd almost certainly forgotten her by now. She was tempted to get up. She 
wanted to dance. Kimberly would absolutely kill her. Murder her on the spot.

She swallowed heavily. She motioned Thomas down, so she wouldn't have to
shout over the music.

"Thomas. You are really sweet. And I'd love to dance. Really. But, I
just broke up with my boyfriend tonight. I'm sorry."

Thomas nodded. Understanding in his eyes. "Maybe next time. Thanks anyway." 
He disappeared back into the crowd, seemingly not bothered by the rejection in 
the slightest.

Kimberly slid into her seat, setting a pint of Rickard's Red in front of Karen.
Kimberly dropped her own onto a napkin in front of her. "Who was that? He was 
cute."

"His name was Thomas. An engineer. Strike one."

Kimberly smiled. "They aren't all bad, you know. But I'm glad you got
rid of him." She raised her glass. "Just the girls."

"Just the girls." Karen clicked her glass against Kimberly's. Karen downed
half of hers. Kimberly was a little more restrained.

"Hey. Whoa. I don't want to carry you home," Kimberly remarked over the music.

"Don't worry. I only want the one."

Kimberly nodded. Satisfied.

Something by REM started up. What's the Frequency, Kenneth. Karen found her
body unconsciously moving to the beat. She took another sip of the beer.
Savouring the taste. It was something that Jason had taught her. Occasionally,
try to taste things like you've never tasted them before. She was surprised
at how she'd always taken the taste of some foods for granted. It was so
much easier to simply gobble your food. There actually was an experience there,
if you slowed down and really tasted the food. She had never really savoured 
something before. Something simple. Like a salad or French fries. She 
shook her head. Trying to forget. She took another big swallow of beer. 
Refusing to savour it. Another small victory.

Kimberly was looking at her. Karen raised her eyebrows, knowing that Kimberly
had caught her vacant faraway look.

"Jason?"

"Yeah."

"Try to enjoy yourself. Forget about him." She knew full well that forgetting
sometimes wasn't that simple.

The music changed again. New Order. Bizarre Love Triangle. They really were
on an eighties kick tonight. Karen listened to the music. Closing her eyes.
Realizing the irony of the song title, but trying to ignore it. Losing herself
in the driving beat.

She felt a touch on her shoulder. She turned and opened her eyes. Kimberly
was shouting over the music.

"You want to dance. Don't you? Might be good for you."

Kimberly rose to her feet. Karen just nodded and followed. She took another
swallow of her beer, nearly finishing it, and then let Kimberly lead her to 
the dance floor. Together they pushed their way into the middle of the 
undulating crowd. She hadn't eaten anything tonight. She barely remembered 
if she had even been hungry. Her stomach was still in knots. And the beer 
was touching her senses. She felt a little lightheaded.

The flashing lights made Karen a little dizzy. The bass beat driving into 
her lungs. New Order took control of her body. She closed her eyes and let 
the music move her. Her body swinging to the music. Her feet lightly moving 
across the floor. Her arms swinging. Her hips circling. She felt almost out 
of control. She opened her eyes, seeing Kimberly gyrating, like her, to 
the music. In slow motion. Her pony tail tossing about the back of her 
neck. The strobe accentuating the effect. Karen's mind cleared. Thoughts of 
Jason fading as her breathing sped up and her body moved to the beat. She 
could feel her chest tightening. She felt like she was going to cry again.

She felt her body stop moving as though she was outside of it, simply an
observer. She stood still in the middle of the crowd of freshmen and 
seniors, as they moved around her. The strobe making the scene unreal. 
She shook her head. Kimberly was only a few steps away. Still moving
to the last few bars of Bizarre Love Triangle. It was as though she'd lost her
hearing. Time had slowed to a crawl. She'd somehow tuned out the blaring 
music. Kimberly danced around her to a beat that she simply could no 
longer hear. It all seemed so surreal. She didn't quite feel in control 
of herself. Her emotions. Her own body. Tears began to fall again. She 
couldn't recall ever having felt quite like this. Not drunk. Just. 
Melancholy. Empty somehow.

She watched as the song ended. Still aware of the bass vibrations on her body,
but deaf to the actual notes. The music merged into another song. She watched,
detached as Kimberly moved towards her. The music suddenly crashed back
into her senses with the change of song. She reached into her memory. High 
school dances. She was hearing the music. Odd notes. Vaguely familiar. Not 
as driving as New Order. She struggled with herself. Finally, she pulled 
it out of the vault. She probably only had heard it, like once, during the 
eighties. She could still feel the tears traveling down her face. Unable 
to stop them. A band called Ultravox. Or something like that. She stood 
immobile as Kimberly moved the few steps separating them still in slow motion.

She shouted over the music. "Karen? Honey? You alright?" Seeing the tears.

Karen didn't even answer. She simply placed her arms around Kimberly's
neck and absorbed the music. Kimberly hesitantly circled her arms around
Karen. Linking her fingers loosely behind her friend's waist. Letting her cry
again on her shoulder. She was very aware that they were the only girls
dancing together on the dance floor, but she simply didn't care.

Dancing. With tears in my eyes.

They slowly rocked each other surrounded by a wall of slowly gyrating students.
Some drunk. Some happy. Some sad. Some in love. Others not feeling anything.
None of them paying the slightest attention to the two dancing women.

Dancing. With tears in my eyes. Weeping for the memory of a life gone by.

Kimberly hugged Karen close. Feeling her body shaking with her sobs. She had
never slow danced with a woman before. Not this close. She could feel
Karen's body heat through the sweatshirt. Felt the gentle rise of her
breasts pressing lightly against her own. Feeling the girl's grief. Karen's 
tears dampening the shoulder of her sweatshirt. She felt tears brimming in her
own eyes. Fought them off. Just sympathy tears.

Dancing. With tears in my eyes.

As the slow song ended, Karen pulled back gently, her arms still loosely
encircling Kimberly's neck. Her fingers linked underneath her ponytail. 
Tears still streaming down her face. She sniffled and tilted her head. She 
slowly moved her face towards Kimberly. And Kimberly found herself slowly 
moving her face towards Karen. They both had tears in their eyes as their 
lips met for the first time.

Dancing. With tears in my eyes. Living out the memory of a love that died.
