Celestial Reviews 274 - April 11, 1998

Note: Two factory workers were discussing the fate of Big Jack and his wife.

"Yeah," the first one said, "I guess when he got home and found that shop
steward in bed with the little woman, he lost his cool."

"No wonder he shot the bastard six times. Can you think of anything worse?"

"Hell, yes," the second one replied. "Half an hour earlier and he would have
shot ME!"

Second note: After last issue's rather tawdry treatise on pick-up lines, I am
proud (or at least less embarrassed) this week to present

   The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare

15> "How about a little Puck?"

14> "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.
     I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."

13> "Et tu, Cutie?"

12> "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"

11> "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty
     unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"

10> "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with
     two backs?"

9> "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."

8> "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend
     the evening with pen in hand, if thou knowest what I mean."

7> "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"

6> "Is this a dagger I see before me?  Nay!  I'm merely happy to
     cast eyes upon thy beauty!"

5> "Greetings to you, fair sailor."

4> "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"

3> "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"

2> "O!  Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me
     divine thy weight."


and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...


1> "Do me, or not do me.  THAT is the question."

Second note: All of my past Celestial Reviews are now archived at
ftp://asstr.ml.org/pub/Collections/Celestial_Reviews/.  This is not "my"
archive; so don't ask me questions about how it operates or complain to me
when it goes down.  I have no official web site of my own, but I am usually
willing to cooperate with anyone who wishes to post my reviews, and I am
grateful for their help.

Third Note:  Several people have called to my attention the "problems" with
regard to giving numerical ratings to stories.  Let me make just a few points.

I am aware that numbers can be an oversimplification.  It is far better to
read the complete reviews than to choose stories based on mere numbers.
However, the numeric ratings - though imperfect - do serve a useful function
by enabling readers of the reviews to summarize the reviewer's insights and to
compare stories.  When I post my annual lists of all the stories (usually in
July), those stories that have no numeric ratings probably get ignored by lots
of people who read those lists.  To repeat, I think the numeric ratings,
though imperfect, do serve a valuable purpose.

Second, I am aware of "grade inflation" in the ratings.  In other words, a lot
of stories get 10s.  This happens largely because (a) the "standard" was set
back in 1996, when most stories weren't as good as they are now, and (b) most
bad stories simply do not get reviewed.  If I reviewed all the stories ever
available on a.s.s., the average story would probably get a rating of about 5
in each category; and if you look back to my earliest reviews, that's about
what you'll find.  However, almost immediately I started looking for better
stories and people started posting higher quality stories.  Before long,
authors were mailing their stories to me.  People don't mail me stories that
are likely to get ratings of 1 or 3. They mail me stories that they are proud
of and that are likely to receive ratings in the 8-10 range.  And so ratings
have tended to go up.

Just yesterday I received back from a reviewer a story with a note that he
didn't want to review it, because it was a lousy story and he didn't feel like
humiliating the author in public.  I am not going to bother sending that story
to anyone else.  Another reviewer recently sent me a spontaneous review of a
story that he had stumbled across and wanted to share with my readers.  This
is one way that bad stories get excluded and good stories included in my
Reviews.  I hope you can see that while this sort of selection is beneficial
(it obtains reviews of more stories that readers will want to read), it also
"inflates" the ratings.

For the foreseeable future I intend to keep on using the same numerical
system, which evolved through careful thought over two years ago.  I am not
going to dump a perfectly useful system simply because some authors find the
pressure to compete to be stifling or because some readers misuse the ratings.
I would appreciate it if my guest reviewers would use a similar system, but I
have little control over them, nor am I trying to crack the whip on them now.
One reviewer gives a single numeric system where I suspect that his 8 is about
equivalent to my 10, 9, 9; and another frequently leaves one of the categories
blank for reasons with which I personally disagree.  Both these people write
excellent reviews, and I have no interest in forcing them to change.

I appreciate the comments I receive about these reviews, and I'll continue to
try to do a good job.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "First Time" by Bob Browett (first time) 7, 7, 7
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340913953 (*)
          (*) Repost not by author

      "Desk" by Suki (oral sex slavery) 10, 8, 8
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=259327148

      "Showertime Shag" by The Provert (slutty shower sex)
            5, 5, 5
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340672147

      "What Mary Needs" by DG (sexual therapy) 10, 8, 8
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=336939714

      "Replacement Value" by Parker (sexual entrapment) 10, 10, 10
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=196945883 (*)
          (*) Repost not by author

      "Door to Door Saleswoman" by Rajah Dodger (lingerie pusher)
            10, 8, 8
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333741363

      "Cybill Shephard" by Steve Sylkes (celebrity rape) 9, 7, 7
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=341676473 (*)
          (*) Repost not by author

      "English Lessons" by SuthrnLrd (English teacher sex) 9, 7, 7
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=341492699

      "MY First Experience" by Jessi (spam) 4, 1, 1

Guest Reviews:

      "Auto-Erotic / Harley" by SR (sexual vignette) 9, 9, 6
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=341751816

      "The Awakening" by Lisa Cohn (ff teen sex) 8, 6, 6
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=339211772 (*)
          (*) Repost not by author

      "Paying the Rent" by Amy Washermann (sexual exploitation)
            7, 8, 6
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=262667705

      "Cassandra - Vampiress" by JRParz (vampire sex) 7, 4, 5
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340313020

      "Sunswept" by Crimson Dragon (light bondage) 10, 9, 8
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340318628

      "Girl Talk" By Assmaster McStuff (chat session) 
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=341751806

      "Teresa's story" by Brenda Vieths (sci fi sex) 9, 8, 8
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=164030723

Reposted Reviews:

    * "Removing the Chocolate" by Rajah Dodger (food and
            kinky sex) 10, 8, 8
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332711637

    * "Dominatrix Found in Amber" by PleaseCain (surrealistic
            sex scenario) 10, 9, 9
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=285676051

    * "Rest Room Reaction" by Rajah Dodger (voyeurism & hand
            job) 10, 10, 10
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=209758338

    * "Bob's Massage" by Rajah Dodger (sexy massage) 10, 10, 10
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332711938

    * "Winning (Amanda) Through Intimidation" by J. Boswell
            (wife watching) 9.5, 7, 7
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342928907

    * "Morning Orgasms: Spoons" by Backrub (romantic
            vignettes) 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=168113063


* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
      reposted)

"First Time" by Bob Browett (rbrowett@yahoo.com). This is a story about a guy
and girl who fumble and stumble through their first time at having sex
together.  It's a humorous story, but it's not hilarious.  Improved timing and
better attention to details would make it a more stimulating story.

Ratings for "First Time"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Desk" by Suki (Suki@fish.com).  The man has arranged to have his sex slave
curled up under his desk during a business meeting, so that she can give him a
blowjob while he gets some work done.

The Blowjob Principle is just as important in real life as it is on this
newsgroup.  This principle states that if a person gives one a blowjob, then
one should make that person glad to have performed that service, if the
recipient hopes to receive more blowjobs in the future.  THIS IS A METAPHOR!
A simple "thank you," a pay raise, or a reciprocal act of kindness will do
just fine.  It is not even remotely necessary to have a sex slave hidden under
your desk to apply the Blowjob Principle.

In addition, if you want to continue to see good stories on this newsgroup,
you should apply the Blowjob Principle by making the authors glad that they
have written the stories that you have enjoyed.  But you don't have to become
their sex slave - unless you really want to.

Ratings for "Desk"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Showertime Shag" by The Provert (theprovert@yahoo.com).  This author is from
the United Kingdom.  We know this because the people in the story shag and the
woman wears knickers.  In the Colonies, on the other hand, baseball players
shag fly balls and the members of a major basketball team are Knickerbockers.

In this story a woman visits a man and his wife, and the wife helps the man
shag (or get shagged by) the friend in the shower, while the wife takes
photographs.  There's no real plot or character development beyond what I have
described here.

The story sounded like it would be a lot more fun than it actually was.

Ratings for "Showertime Shag"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"What Mary Needs" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com).  Mary has been having
nightmares, and neither she nor her shrink can figure out the significance of
the dreams.  Finally, she succumbs to her husband's suggestion: the next time
she awakens him with her tossing and turning, he will with her full permission
fuck her brains out.  This solves the problem.

The set-up in this story is fine - even excellent; but the climax was a big
letdown, if you'll pardon the sexual innuendo.

Ratings for "What Mary Needs"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Replacement Value" by Parker.  While her fiance is off in Mexico City
undergoing some sort of training for a NAFTA-related job, the American woman
is living in Mexico, where she befriends a woman with expensive tastes.  

Because I am such a sophisticated reader, it was almost at once obvious to me
that Sandra was subtly being recruited by Terry to become one of the whores in
Pedro's stable, but I could not immediately figure out what impact this would
have on her relationship with her fiance or why the story was entitled
"Replacement Value."  So I had to read the rest of the story - as you should.

I find Parker to be an extremely good writer who gets bizarre ideas, which he
tries to incorporate into clever plots.  Sometimes he succeeds; but sometimes
he simply fails to convey to me how his plots make sense - the emotions
sometimes just don't sound plausible.  This is one of the good ones.
Everything falls perfectly into place at the end.  It's not a pleasant story,
but it certainly is creative and sexy.

Ratings for "Replacement Value"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Door to Door Saleswoman" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@hotmail.com).  Kelli is
doing her daily chores when the lingerie saleslady arrives at her door.  The
vivacious vendor displays her wares and encourages Kelli to touch and feel.
Where is this story going?

Well, not quite.  The next things we know the saleslady is shoving a gag into
Kelli's mouth.  This is obviously a birthday present arranged by Kelli's
husband - one of those pleasant rapes to fulfill their mutual fantasies.
Right?

Wrong again!  Hmmm.... The next several twists in this story include
references to a veritable scavenger's list of items, including a leg spreader,
mustard, and Ben Gay, which is a trademarked name that I'm not certain the
author obtained proper permission to use.

If any of this interests you, you had better read the story.  You wouldn't
believe it if I told you about it.

Ratings for "Door to Door Saleswoman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Cybill Shephard" by Steve Sylkes (from Kristen's Collection
<kristen78@aol.com>).  I always get just a little suspicious when the author
spells the main character's name one way in the title and a different way in
the text.  The only real value of this story is that it will be easy for male
readers to picture Cybil Shephard as the fuckee in this story.  Other than
that, it's a reasonably clearly written celebrity fuck story with an ordinary
plotline in which a man has sex with a middle-aged movie star.

Ratings for "Cybill Shephard"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"English Lessons" by Suthrnlrd (suthrnlrd@hotmail.com).  Sean is studying
music in college, but his performance in English 101 sucks, in the pejorative
sense of that word.  Laura, his English teacher, is determined to reach him if
it's the last thing she ever does.  Sounds like a case for the ole Blowjob
Principle to me!

Laura requires Sean to meet her in her office.  She assigns a heavy extra
credit workload.  She gets down to the bare essentials right away.  Sean does
everything she tells him to do.  Sean knows this is going to be hard.  Well,
you get the drift.

Once she gets Sean stripped naked, she requires him to read his most recent
paper aloud.  Of course, she spanks him whenever he makes a mistake and
continues to do so while she lectures him on his errors.  Then she takes him
to her house and applies the Rose Technique.

Needless to say, Sean becomes an excellent writer.

While the idea of getting a person to write about what he/she feels is a valid
pedagogical insight, I hasten to point out that this story is entirely
fiction.  I have it on good authority that the English Department of almost
any university in the United States would be likely to deny tenure to a
professor who employed either the Spanking or the Rose Technique as described
in this story.  However, the Blowjob Principle - which states that if you want
to maximize the chances of getting a second blowjob, you should do something
to make the giver glad to have given the first blowjob - is routinely applied
in all departments of all successful institutions of higher education
throughout the entire known universe.  But the BJ principle is a metaphor - a
very useful metaphor.

Ratings for "English Lessons"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"MY First Experience" by Jessi.  This "story" is hard to summarize; but it's
so short that I decided to just reprint the entire thing:

"My first experience posing nude got me so turned on that I went on to take
some really nasty amateur hardcore sex pix and post them on the net for
everyone else to enjoy. Access thousands of amateur hardcore sex pictures
amateur nude amateur naked amateur sex amateur porno amateur xxx amateur adult
amateur porn amateur blowjob amateur anal amateur gangbang amateur lesbians
amateur masterbation"

At first I thought I wasn't in a story group at all.  I thought perhaps I had
drifted off into an area where emotionally distraught spammers plied their
dismal trade.  But no, this is alt.sex.STORIES; and this author is trying to
describe HIS (or HER) {Note the deliberate use of the capitals letters to
initiate the title} First Experience.  Alas, while everyone else is enjoying
this person's pix, he himself has been reduced to the level of a blithering
idiot, sans commas, sans period, sans damn near everything.

My real problem with this story is that this first experience seems to be
defined too broadly.  I mean, in what sense could "thousands of pix of the
alliterative amateur adult amateur activities anal activities" actually
represent a "first experience"?  Even if the thousands of pix were of the
author's nose, at some point we would have to consider some of these pix to be
a second or even a third experience.  I think it was either Will Rogers or
Benjamin Disraeli who said, "You can only lose your virginity once."  What he
really meant, of course, is that one can lose one's virginity only once; and
after that it's no longer a first experience.  

Anyway, my interested was piqued, and so I went to the web site for a looksee.
I was greeted by a quasi-literate message that said, in part: "You should exit
from this site immediately if you are in any way offended by sexual Nude Sex
Amateur material of any nature by using the back button on your browser."  My
immediate problem, of course, was that this message clearly indicated that I
was supposed to exit via back button, since I had already been offended by the
grammar, which certainly falls beneath the "in any way" umbrella phrase.
However, since I had arrived via AOL's keyword command (a sensual experience
in its own right), I could not follow this instruction, since my back button
was grayed out.  Therefore, I felt legally justified to plunge forward - or
foreword, as this author would probably prefer.

I might add right here that this was my first sexual experience - at least if
I define the terms broadly enough.  And since I was not getting paid, I was an
amateur.  I was feeling right at home.

But then the web site crashed.  In fact, it crashed my whole computer.  That's
what happens when you deal with amateurs, especially alliterative asshole
amateur adult anal amateurs who appear to be illiterate.  However, before the
computer crashed, I got a glimpse of Jessica, who appears to be a
stereotypical blonde - one of those people who supply fodder for blonde jokes
over on rec.humor.

More determined than ever, I rebooted my computer, rebuilt my system folder,
and returned to Jessica's alliterative amateur adult amateur activities anal
artistic endeavor.  I crashed again, and again.  This was no longer fun.  The
proper word for this kind of crap is not "amateur," but "amateurish."

Ratings for "MY First Experience"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"Auto-Erotic / Harley" by SR (parasol_60@yahoo.com). Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).

"Auto-Erotic / Harley" by SR is difficult to type, for it's not a conventional
story.  Hell, it's not a conventional anything! It's hard-edged, distant,
aloof, and swaggering.  One gets no closer to the players than to a chrome and
neon flash, a rumble in the night.

The style and words are designed to make you stand back, to give way to a
harsh and arrogant superiority. Just feel these words:

"Vicki on the sidewalk with her red satin hotpants and black leather jacket.
Platform heels -- two-fucking-inch thick platforms with five-fucking-inch
heels. Her calves flexed like steel tendons with each step; her tight thighs
shone like molten gold. Those legs went on forever. Pulled every guy-eye in
each place she passed, from the pasty-faced storekeeps to the pimple-faced
shop-boys, tracking her down the street past their pleated glass storefronts."

There's a rawness and a power in this vignette that is compelling and
offputting at the same time.  I find myself drawn to the power and put off by
the alienation. As I said, it's difficult to type.

It's easier to say what it's not.  It's not soft, or romantic, or seductive,
or teasing.  Oddly, it's not erotic, although the sterile images are there.

Ratings for "Auto-Erotic / Harley"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9 (Evokes strong emotions)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Don't like the emotions evoked)

"The Awakening" by Lisa Cohn (reposted by John Dark).  Guest review by jubjub.

Story Summary:  Two young girls discover each other.

This story disappointed me.  The low ranking I give this story for appeal has
nothing to do with the subject matter.  It has everything to do with
presentation and style.

Technically, the story was great.  One small spelling error that I would have
ignored and no punctuation or grammar errors (one suspicious paragraph format
that I didn't count off for).  Now the author needs to go back and rewrite it.
The flow was nonexistent for most of the story.  Time and again, I stopped to
consider how I would write that particular passage.  Most of the sentences
contained too many words and had clauses which were unnecessary.  However much
I find pedophilia attractive, I could not even begin to get into this story.
It felt like a high school writing assignment--the writer was so concerned
with technical perfection that the flow of the sentences  suffered.

Plot and character likewise fell victim to the stilted prose.  The narrator
conveyed the voice of an adult looking at the scene in a detached manner.
Some historical background was conveyed but there was no emotional
depth--merely a matter-of-fact rendering of events.  While the story reached a
technical climax, it felt empty and humdrum.  The author showed no imagination
in imagery or word selection

I do like pedophilia stories.  The sense of innocence and discovery clashing
with the adult sensibilities implied with the sex act is arousing for me.  But
the tone of this story IS adult.  No sense or feeling about either of these
girls comes through.  The author would be better served to write in a more
energetic style.  To better describe the young flowering of sensual
awareness--to complete the magic spell that enthralls those enraptured by the
arousal of discovery.  Sorry, decent story but not really a good one.

Ratings for "The Awakening"
Technical:  8                    Technically excellent but style felt
      stiff and vocabulary plain
Character and Plot:  6      Very humdrum.  No imagery or emotion
Appeal:  6                         Boring because of a severe lack of
      style and imagery
(Notice a pattern here?)

"Paying the Rent" by Amy Washermann. Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).

Think a moment about the energy we get from the stories we read. Or, in some
cases, the energy that is taken from us.  There are those stories that are
joyous and unfettered, that pull us up, out of the ordinary, out of the common
and we soar.  They're rare. Now and then we meet them.

At the other end of the emotional energy spectrum are those tales that bump
along some rock-strewn bottom, sunk hopelessly it seems in some pit of
despair, too often stuck in the victim mode that seeks authentication.

"Paying the Rent" is such a story, one that buys into the myth that all men
are low-life shits who will take advantage of a helpless woman, the victim.
Well, folks, for the most part, there are no victims, there are only
volunteers.  To be sure, the world is filled with low-life men. In the words
of Carrie Nation, "Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey- greased,
red-eyed devils."  But we don't have to buy that trip.

The victim, er . . . heroine of this story is put upon by the vagaries of life
and to stay in college, does what she must to raise some cash.  I can
understand that.  Hell, I did that!  But I wasn't victimized.  Whatever I did
was my choice.  I didn't have that impression in this story.  It left me
feeling a little dirty and very sad.  If I compromise myself for my own ends
and you call me a dirty prostitute, I can always hold my head up and say,
"Fuck you."  Or I can buy into it and shuffle around, head down with the self-
esteem meter reading empty and think, "Yeah, I am."

This story was about sex but is miles away from being sexy. Mostly it's a
poorly written, depressing story about being a victim.  For those who would
like to experience a another slice of life, this may suffice. For those who'd
rather soar, you can skip it.

Ratings for "Paying the Rent" 
Athena (technical quality): 7 
Venus (plot & character): 8 (stirred some emotion in me) 
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 6 (don't wanna go there!)

"Cassandra - Vampiress" by JRParz (JRParz@aol.com).  Guest review by DG.

This is a rather unsophisticated story with a muddled plot  involving a male
vampire and hot underage models.  None of the  characters seemed at all
believable.  If you've read a lot of sex  stories, you know this isn't a good
sign:  the heroine is 15, and  her aunt is 23.  Despite the fact that everyone
in the story is  incredibly good-looking, the only way anyone manages to have
sex  is by slipping an aphrodisiac into someone's drink.  Or, in the  case of
the lucky vampire, he just has to look at a women to turn  her into a
quivering puddle of lust.  These are legitimate plot  devices which can be put
to good use in sex stories in sparing  amounts.  But in this story they take
the place of any realistic  human interaction between the characters, making
them all about as  interesting as crash-test dummies.  I don't recommend this
story.

Ratings for "Cassandra - Vampiress"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 4
DG (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Sunswept" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com).  Review by Stephen Peters
(sxjames@aol.com).

So how do you tell your best-friend-turned-lover that you want to tie them up?
Well, if you're smart you'll take said lover for a weekend getaway at a
secluded cabin.  Add some good sex in front of a fireplace, a discussion about
old boyfriends, then pop the question.  If you're lucky she will say yes.
And, if you're this author, you'll also have the premise for an engaging and
romantic tale of two new lovers discovering a deeper level of trust and
intimacy -- not to mention uses for dockside rope that never appeared in the
Boy Scout manuals. 

I enjoyed this story, and for two pretty basic reasons.  The first is the
author's consistent ability to paint a portrait of realistic (and all-too-
human) people.  This is the second Crimson Dragon story I've read, and in each
the author includes some small but crucial traits that make the women more
than just characters in a sex story.  Read the opening scene of this tale and
see if you don't agree.  The second is the way the author handled the
(admittedly light and playful) bondage.  As a rule I usually shy away from
stories of this type.  It's not because of the subject per se -- in fact, the
idea of being completely vulnerable, of putting your physical well being in
the hands of another and trusting them to take care of it can be very erotic
(at least to this reader) -- it's just that in most cases "B" is followed by
"nD" which is a big time turn-off (again, for this reader).  In this story
however, the bondage is placed in the context of the two lovers deepening
intimacy.  It's much more of a "Will you let me?"/"I give myself to you" type
of sexual play rather than one based on the exercise of power.  Very nice.
Combine that with the authors flesh and blood characters and well described
sex, and you have a very enjoyable read.  Or, as Celeste would put it: "This
is a sexy story!"

[Notes on the numbers:  10 in technical quality means I was able to read the
story without being distracted by mistakes, typos,  misspelling, etc.  Eights
and nines for the other two categories are  probably equivalent to other
reviews 10's.  I just choose to leave  some room at the top for those very
special stories that deserve it.]

-- Numbers mean nothing without context, read the review --

Ratings for "Sunswept"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Stephen (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Girl Talk" By Assmaster McStuff (assmastermcstuff@hotmail.com). This review
is the personal opinion of Kim, who can be contacted at ghost@nym.alias.net.

There seems to be developing a new genre of sex stories; the pretend chat
session. This story tries its best to appear to be a transcript of real live
chat session between two women, one called "Hobbs" (romantic, huh?) and the
other, "Shel", but whose chat name is "Bi 4u".

Overlaying all this is Hobbs's boyfriend, the narrator of our saga, who
provides the introduction, and the odd aside, on how he feels about what the
girls are typing.

This story is at least not as dull as the previous one of this type I had to
review, but against that, it is nowhere near as authentic a representation of
a true transcript. The general plot, if you could stretch the meaning of the
word to cover this, is simply two women writing about how they imagine making
love to each other. And, erm, that's about it really.

As a genre I still hold to the view that chat sessions are not a spectator
sport, and are much more enjoyable being involved in, than reading about after
the fact.

So, this leaves me with a problem. The last time I reviewed one of these, I
didn't give any marks because I felt the normal technical standards didn't
apply, and I didn't offer a personal appeal mark as real chat sessions are
totally alien to me. However, I want to say that this one is better than the
last because of the chat being hotter and more immediate, but worse than the
last, because it was obviously more artificial. Can't say that I'd recommend
it much.

Ratings for "Girl Talk"

Athena (technical quality): - (irritating, supposedly funny asides 
      don't help)
Venus (plot & character): - (two girls find out the true meaning of 
      oral)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): - (can't see the point of writing this stuff, 
      personally)

"Teresa's Story" by Brenda Vieths (CBKX59A@PRODIGY.COM) (repost by John Dark).
This review is the personal opinion of Kim, who can be contacted at
ghost@nym.alias.net.

Another SF (science fiction) story to review, hurrah! This one involves the
enigmatic creation of the BBC, Dr Who. For those unfamiliar with the guy, he's
a Time Lord, who gets to travel the cosmos both in space and time, in a rather
strange time-ship called the Tardis. On the outside it's a blue cupboard with
"Police Box" written on it, but inside it's a huge mansion of a place. The Doc
himself is about two thousand years old, and every so often changes body
shape. Which is convenient if the actor playing him decides to move on. I've
not watched that many episodes, but from what I've seen, what it loses in
credible mise-en-scene, it makes up for in acting and plotting. I believe it
is now canceled, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, to the story. The Tardis materializes in Teresa's home and then whisks
her off on two years of adventures, battling Darleks and the like, none of
which is gone into, more's the pity.

It basically boils down to Teresa getting the hots for the Doc, and after two
years of frustration decides to put aside the monster vibrator, that she
bought on some planet somewhere, and pounce on him. He, being a gentleman,
demurs, but is soon persuaded that he ought to avail himself of her charms.
Poor guy hasn't had any in five hundred years, but luckily for Teresa, hasn't
forgotten what to do.

Blessed with prodigious equipment he soon has Teresa getting two years worth
all in one go, and she certainly seems to enjoy the event.

The story was well told, the sex compelling and the characters appealing. It
wasn't quite top drawer, as the choice of words in some sentences was a bit
repetitious, and the sex was a bit cliched, but generally these are only minor
quibbles.

I think I might have liked a longer story about some of the adventures only
hinted at, even at the expense of some of the sex. Ah well, I guess I'm a bit
of a pervert like that.


Ratings for "Teresa's Story"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (pretty good, but not brilliant)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (Tantalizing hints at what might have 
      been)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 8 (I think stroke fans will like it more 
      than Doc Who fans)

* "Removing the Chocolate" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@mailmasher.com).  A brief
prologue refers to "another encounter," which I presume occurred in another
story.  Since I don't know what that story is, however, I have evaluated this
as a stand-alone story.  I hesitate to call anyone's sexual preferences kinky
- but I can think of no more suitable word for what happens in this story.

The guy comes home from an encounter with another woman with his cock encased
in chocolate.  His wife is a good sport about it and with the help of a couple
of ice cubes and the family cat goes about removing the chocolate. I didn't
know that cats liked chocolate.  Interesting!

Ratings for "Removing the Chocolate"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "Dominatrix Found in Amber" by PleaseCain.  I would do this story an
injustice by trying to summarize it. I can best describe it as a surrealistic
description of implied sexuality.  It is well written but confusing - but the
confusion is intentional.  It's really pretty interesting.

Ratings for "Dominatrix Found in Amber"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Rest Room Reaction" by Rajah Dodger. A man is heading for the men's room
when he hears amorous sounds coming from the ladies' restroom.  He peeks in
and concludes that a woman is masturbating in one of the stalls, and so he
climbs to a place of concealment from another stall and watches her finger the
fun hole.  But wait!  Bad news: he's busted!  He feels a hand grab his foot.
Good news: the hand belongs to a woman who decides to turn him *on* instead of
turning him *in*.  In other words, she decides to hold his sausage hostage
from her unseen location behind him.  I have reservations about this story.
Pedophiles, sadists, and rapists I can handle; but when people start writing
stories about men sneaking into the ladies' restroom, that's going a bit far!
This is a short but excellent story.

Ratings for "Rest Room Reaction"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Bob's Massage" by Rajah Dodger. Bob is suffering from pain in his back, and
a friend recommends a massage.  The message makes him feel even better than he
expected, as the masseuse shows considerable ingenuity in bringing him to
sexual climaxes.  You can read the story to find the extremely interesting
details.  I have a friend who is a physical therapist and gives massages at a
health club.  She gets really pissed when people make snide remarks about her
occupation; so I should point out that in the real world the experience
described in this story is unlikely to happen.  In fact, it probably actually
happens less often than students are molested by horny English teachers.
Wives and girlfriends can safely assume that when a guy goes to a physical
therapist, he will receive physical - not sexual - therapy.  On the other
hand, what happens in this story is a really great fantasy!  In addition,
readers should note that what this therapist does is perfectly legal among
consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedrooms.  In fact, I know of
one bedroom where someone may experience something very close to this shortly
after I finish writing this review.

Ratings for "Bob's Massage"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Winning (Amanda) Through Intimidation" by J. Boswell.  Jim's long-lost
brother (actually cousin) comes to visit after an absence of nearly 20 years.
He fucks Jim's wife regularly during the week-long visit; and she loves it.
Jim's daughter Cindy also hastens to her uncle's bed.  There's really not much
to this story - macho man humps wimp's wife and daughter while wimp stands by;
but it's well written and somewhat interesting story about dysfunctional
people.

Ratings for "Winning (Amanda) Through Intimidation"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

* "Morning Orgasms: Spoons" by Backrub (bckrub@aol.com). In his prologue
Backrub points out that one of his favorite activities is coming first thing
in the morning.  He claims that whether alone or with someone else, he comes
between 5 and 7 A.M. about 360 days a year.  He has decided to write a series
of vignettes describing these events (or his fantasies about these events).
This is apparently the first in the series.  Although I don't want to
discourage him from writing his full stories - which are invariably excellent
- I have to admit that I enjoyed this relatively plotless description.  It's
the kind of thing that comes in handy even the last thing at night - when a
woman is alone in a tub full of bubble bath with candles burning and perhaps a
touch of incense and maybe a cold drink.... However, he can't get straight 10s
unless he writes a whole story!

Ratings for "Morning Orgasms: Spoons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
