 



                   NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 

     (If You're a Female Character in a Joe Doe Story)

                            by

                         Joe Doe



 1) Show a little originality.  Don't be just another Johnson. 

 2) Your mom was right: always wear clean underwear because you 
    just never know.... 

 3) Join a health club -– preferably one with a large gang shower 
    and ceiling-mounted security cameras. 

 4) Give up smoking.  You'll need the cigarettes later to bribe 
    the guards. 

 5) If you lose the key to the locker containing your street 
    clothes and identification while you are trying out your 
    Halloween school girl look, don't kill time by flirting 
    with Headmaster Leamus in the food court. 

 6) Memorize at least 10 or 12 juicy "You know you're a redneck..." 
    jokes before your car trip through the rural South, so you have 
    something entertaining to say during traffic stops. 

 7) Try to be interesting, so a certain lazy writer (who we won't 
    name) doesn't just stop short and leave everybody hanging LIKE 
    HE ALWAYS DOES! 

 8) Don't let silly laws requiring a chardor or burkha prevent you 
    from wearing your mini-skirt to that Arab slave market. 

 9) More skinny-dipping! 

10) Get a complete physical every month...at a teaching hospital. 



Edited by C. Lakewood
