Celestial Reviews 63 - Feb 21, 1996

Note:  I have become uneasy because I think sometimes I assign too many 10's 
in my ratings.  The problem is that on the average the stories I have been 
getting lately are so much better than those that I reviewed six months ago.  
I want to keep the ratings parallel - so that, for example, a story rated 8 
now is comparable to one rated 8 last year.

In my first few issues of CR I ran the gamut of ratings from 1 to 10.  Now 
nobody sends me any garbage, and if there still are bad stories out there (and 
I'm sure there are), I don't have time to read them.  So the 10's are probably 
accurate, in the sense that the stories that get that rating are comparable to 
10's last year and are a lot better than the run-of-the-mill stories that 
appear on a.s.s. but which I don't review.  However, it's not really possible 
to use the ratings alone to distinguish between a good story and a great 
story; to do that you'd have to check out my level of exuberance in the review 
narrative.

This really isn't all that bad; if you read a story with a 10 rating, you're 
going to get a really good story.  On the other hand, I'm rating 30-40% of the 
stories 10's nowadays; and so the Top Rating kind of loses its importance.  

I am trying to get around this by posting the monthly Top 15 lists.  That 
solves one problem: since I review about 75 stories a month, only a fifth of 
them can possibly make that list; but it introduces a different problem, 
because I feel genuinely bad when I have to bump a really good story off the 
monthly list.

So, what I plan to do is tighten up the ratings a little - I'll try to 
be a little less generous with the 10's; but at the same time the 
stories keep improving, and so I'll probably keep giving more 10's than 
make good sense.  Meanwhile, I encourage readers to look at the whole 
reviews (not just the ratings) and to use the monthly Top 15 lists to 
supplement their own judgments about the quality of the stories.

Second Note:  Stephanie (an266891@anon.penet.fi), who is a popular 
writer with this newsgroup and whose stories I have often reviewed in 
CR is sponsoring a writing contest.  The only rules are that all 
entries have to include Celeste (me) somewhere in the plot and they 
have to be submitted to Stephanie by March 20.  Stephanie is the sole 
judge; and as far as I know the only prizes are the sense of pride the 
authors will derive from writing the stories and possible fantasies 
associated with them.  It sounds like fun!

- Celeste

      "Preparation" by Deirdre (anal sex) 10
      "Rock" by Deirdre (exhibitionism) 10
      "Seat" by Deirdre (new life in an old flame) 10
      "Fantasy Bathhouse" by Mark Aster (small but hot
            orgy) 10
      "Burning the Candle at Both Ends" by Greg n' Ross 
            (varieties of mf & ff sex) 6
      "Gwen and Wendy - Amateur Astronomers" by 
            Jonathan Dzoba (emerging adolescence) 10
      'Bud's Awakening" by JaScO (mindless sex) 2
      "Oneness" by Patrick Donovan (romance & hot sex) 9

"Preparation" by Deirdre.  The man wants his wife to take it up the 
ass.  For a long time she refuses, but then one day she agrees - on one 
condition: she wants him first to experience exactly what she will 
experience, so that he will understand what he is asking of her.  A 
dildo will not do; if he wants to stick his penis up her ass, he should 
be willing to take a live one up his first.  This reasoning is so 
simple and obvious that it's difficult to understand why the man would 
even have second thoughts; but he does.  Not only does the wife make 
the suggestion, but she also teases him with her cute little ass until 
he simply has to take the offer seriously.  After all - just a few 
minutes of discomfort for a lifetime of pleasure; and with proper 
lubrication it wouldn't hurt much at all.  Deirdre sets up this premise 
nicely and carries it off very well.  (Rating: 10)

"Rock" by Deirdre.  The man and his wife go for a walk deep into the 
woods.  He tells her to take off her clothes.  She surprises herself by 
agreeing and soon finds herself atop a huge rock with him licking her 
cunt.  As she starts really getting into it, she notices two college 
girls watching in the distance.  When she mentions them to her husband, 
he suggests that she wave them over.  Things get pretty hot, but maybe 
not in exactly the way you would expect.  (Rating: 10)

"Seat" by Deirdre.  Dammit!  I write a carefully prepared introductory 
note, pointing out that my ratings have been too high and resolving to 
really stick it to the authors from now on; and then I give three 10's 
in a row to Deirdre.  It's gotta be mind control!  Why can't she just 
give me orgasms or make me her sex slave? But no, she has to go out and 
write three good stories that demand a 10 rating for each.  Life really 
sucks sometimes - but that's not all bad.

Anyway, after 14 years of marriage, the husband and wife in this story 
seemed to have fallen into a rut.  Brad told her she'd always say she 
was tired and he got so discouraged being turned down that he stopped 
asking.  (Incidentally, when dogs are in a rut, it's a different thing.  
The rut these people had fallen into is related to the English "route."  
The animal activity is derived from the French word "ruit," which means 
"roar." Just thought I'd mention that.)  To break out of the rut, the 
husband suggests that they vow to make love twice within the next week.  
They keep the vow, and the wife enjoys it.  She expects him to suggest 
that they make this vow permanent; but instead he suggests a different 
vow: that she promise to *initiate* sex twice within the next week.

So far this sounds like what a creative, competent marriage counselor 
would suggest.  But then things get out of control.  Or do they?  
You'll have to read the story to find out.  (Rating: 10)

"Fantasy Bathhouse" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  As the author 
says in his introduction, this story takes place in a fantasy world 
where vaccines against AIDS and pregnancy are safe and common,and 
casual sex with strangers is not suicidally stupid.  In addition, even 
the most outlandish sexual experimentation never has a negative impact 
on anyone taking part in that activity, and people who are paid or 
otherwise induced to please others sexually are not being exploited.

As the story begins, Julie Allen is in a taxi seated on one side of the 
narrator and grins TRANSPARENTLY in anticipation of hot sex at her 
sister Pat seated on the other side.  Were I not already familiar with 
the Allen Sisters series, I would have suspected a Tom Swift incest 
story.  If anyone caught that humor....

Actually, the story is about a night of festive sex given to the 
narrator by his benefactors, the legendary Allen Sisters.  They take 
him to what can best be described as a really nice brothel, where the 
three of them receive the sensuous attention of two beautiful young 
Oriental women who are either expensive prostitutes or interesting 
hobbyists.  The author does an excellent job of describing the sexual 
activity in enticing detail.

This otherwise excellent story contained an interesting mistake in word 
usage. "Incredulous" means skeptical or not inclined to believe.  
"Incredible" means fantastic, hard to believe, or too good to be true.  
For example, many male readers of this review would be incredulous at 
the capacity of my incredible cunt to swallow and massage their cocks.  
While it is possible that either you or I might break out in an 
"incredulous scream of ecstasy," like the Allen Sister in this story, 
it would be interesting to speculate what that might sound like.  I 
think the author meant to say an "incredible" scream of ecstasy.  
(Rating: 10)

"Burning the Candle at Both Ends" by Greg n' Ross 
(wyldryce@ix.netcom.com).  The new next door neighbor drops by to get 
acquainted; and as kind of a reverse Welcome Wagon gesture, she starts 
giving the narrator some really great head.  The next day he visits his 
girlfriend; and what do his wondering eyes see but Raven fucking the 
hell out of her with a dildo!  A bit bewildered, the guy goes home, 
paddles his pickle, swallows his own cum, and then plans to check in 
with the Dynamic Duo the next day.  When he tries to surprise them, 
they surprise him instead.  He finds himself handcuffed; but what the 
hell, he has Raven fucking his ass with a really great dildo and Beth 
swallowing his cock at the same time!  

The action is kind of hot, and the plot has potential; but the story is 
not developed properly.  The author just blurts it out - like a high 
school kid that gets a neat idea and wants to combine it with as many 
other neat ideas as possible to impress his friends.  (Rating: 6)

"Gwen and Wendy - Amateur Astronomers" by Jonathan Dzoba.  The heroines 
are high school seniors who go to a cabin on a lake to study the stars 
together for a week.  On the first night out one of them lowers her 
scope to the cabin across the lake, where a young woman is fucking the 
brains out of her young lover.  This erotic scene stimulates Gwen and 
Wendy to mutually explore each other's bodies.  The next day the man 
and woman come over for a visit.  Wendy goes for a walk and serious 
talk with Alisa, while Gwen stays behind and eventually has sex with 
Jack.  Later, Jack fucks Wendy too. The sex is hot, realistic, and 
sensitive.  

What I liked most about the story is that the girls didn't go to the 
cabin just to have sex; it simply happened as a normal part of their 
friendship and adolescence.  It would be ideal to get laid by a guy for 
some reason other than to stop being a virgin; but life doesn't always 
work that way, and this story does a good job of representing reality 
in a relatively pleasant manner.

How does a person with a name like Jonathan Dzoba know so much about 
the emerging sexual feelings of young girls?  After I wrote that 
sentence, it occurred to me that I had written the same sentence six 
months ago - in a review of "Susan and Becky" by this same author.  
(Rating: 10)

'Bud's Awakening" by JaScO (cjmaggio@rmii.com).  This is one of those 
stories that is so bad that it is almost good.  I mean, there are a lot 
of grammar errors that this author doesn't make more than once and he 
spells a large number of words correctly, but the story certainly does 
come across as the hormonal drivelings of a college kid who has had a 
kind of interesting idea and figured he had better write it down and 
post it before he sobers up. 

The story is an electronic episode from "Married with Children."  Bud, 
it seems, has a 9-inch cannon between his legs.  While participating in 
Onan's Olympics in the ladies' restroom, he is discovered by the lovely 
Jennifer, to whom he gives the ride of her young life.  She plans to 
meet him for more horizontal folk dancing at the fraternity bash; but 
since all the young ladies at that event will be wearing bags over 
their heads, she tells him to look for the red dress and cold cross on 
her necklace.  Then she conspires to have Bud's sister, the lovely but 
air-headed Kelly, dress exactly the way she has described.  So Bud 
fucks the brains out of Kelly; they discover each other's true 
identity; and they agree to copulate more often in the future.

This doesn't really qualify as an incest story.  From what I know about 
the TV show, they're not likely to be closely related anyway.  In 
addition, the main problem with incest is the high probability of 
genetic miscombinations; and both of these people are already mutants.  
The story is terribly proofread, and so it contains some great typos.  
For example, a shutter (instead of a shudder) runs through somebody's 
body.  Our hero also has his cock "...vain pulsing with hot blood."  
That should be "vein" - or maybe he meant to use "vane," as a 
picturesque metaphor.  If you need to feel intellectually superior to 
somebody (however briefly), you might enjoy this story.  Otherwise skip 
it.  (Rating: 2)

"Oneness" by Patrick Donovan (an242041@anon.penet.fi).  Two college 
kids meet by e-mail and join for an in vivo encounter.  The sex is 
passionate and realistic - the kind of thing we would all like our own 
fantasy relationships to be if they ever really came about.  This 
author writes well.  (Rating: 9)


GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK:  I have been getting e-mail messages asking 
about the difference among the relative pronouns: "that," "who," and 
"what."  Some of my correspondents have insisted that "who" refers to 
persons and "that" to things.  This is not true.

"Who" always refers to persons.  It can be used in either restrictive 
or non-restrictive clauses.  (I'll explain restrictive clauses later.)

"Which" always refers to things - except in really archaic English.  It 
is almost always used in nonrestrictive clauses. 

"That" can refer to either persons or things.  It is always used in 
restrictive clauses.  The relative pronoun "that" is often omitted.  
Thus, the following sentences are equally correct:

      She's the woman whom I fucked yesterday.
      She's the woman that I fucked yesterday.
      She's the woman I fucked yesterday.

A restrictive clause is one whose meaning is essential to the 
interpretation of the sentence, because it restricts the meaning of the 
word it modifies.  A nonrestrictive clause, on the other hand, is not 
essential to the interpretation of the sentence; it merely adds an idea 
that reminds the author of relevant information.

      My sister, who has slept with twelve senators, is meeting
          with the President tonight.

The preceding sentence means that the speaker has one sister and that 
person is meeting with the President. The following sentence conveys 
different information:

      My sister who has slept with twelve senators is meeting
          with the President tonight.

This sentence implies that the speaker has more than one sister, but it 
is the one who has slept with Congress who is meeting with the 
President.  The "who" clause is restrictive.  Therefore, it would be 
appropriate to say the following:

      My sister that has slept with twelve senators is meeting
          with the President tonight.

It would not be correct to use "that" in the first example, where the 
"who" clause was nonrestrictive.

"Who" is further complicated by the fact that it has an objective case 
(whom) and a possessive case (whose).  A final complication is that 
"whose" is also the possessive of "which."  Therefore, the following is 
not a mistake:

     She fucked my ass with a dildo whose size and shape 
           scared the shit out of me.

Here are some examples that are not about persons:

      The graduation orgy, which I attended with my wife,
           her two sisters, and my mother-in-law, was a
           resounding success.

      The graduation orgy that I attended with my wife,
           her two sisters, and my mother-in-law was a
           resounding success.

The first example means that there was only one graduation orgy, and 
the "which" clause gives additional information about it.  The second 
example implies that there might have been several orgies, one of which 
was attended by the group under consideration.  Note that it would be 
acceptable to use "which" in the second example (although most writers 
and speakers would use "that"), but it would not be correct to use 
"that" in the first example.

In short, the actual distinction regarding the relative pronoun "that" 
does not depend on whether it refers to a person or thing.  "That" is 
restrictive; "who" and "which" may be either restrictive or 
nonrestrictive. 

If you want to insist that "who" refers to persons and "which" and 
"that" refer to things, your writing will not be incorrect.  This rule 
will almost always work in your own writing.  Just don't insist that 
others are wrong when they use "that" correctly to refer to persons.  
Also, you'll occasionally put yourself into an awkward position:

      I'm not half the woman who I used to be!

No native speaker of English would use "who" in that sentence.  Either 
of the following would be acceptable:

      I'm not half the woman that I used to be!
      I'm not half the woman I used to be!

The solution, of course, is to take your vitamins and have plenty of 
good sex, and then you WILL be all the woman that you used to be!

One final note: The people over on alt.usage.English are having a 
discussion on this topic.  I'm too busy to take the sex out of this 
message and send it to them.  I honestly do not want to post this exact 
message over there, because school kids are encouraged to read that 
newsgroup; and I really do believe that their parents and teachers have 
a right to hope that that group will remain free of objectionable words 
and ideas.  Anyway, if anyone wants to clean this message up with 
wholesome examples and send it to that group, feel free to do so.  My 
explanation makes more sense than anything I have seen posted on the 
topic on a.u.e.

