Celestial Reviews 110 - Aug 21, 1996

Note: Remember the proofreading service!  If you would like free help 
on a story, send me a request; and I’ll match you up with one of the 
volunteers who have offered to help authors by offering suggestions 
about the grammar, style, and content of preliminary drafts of stories.  
This service is often very useful to authors and enjoyable to 
proofreaders.  In addition, if you would like to volunteer your 
services as a proofreader, please contact me.

- Celeste

      “Lady” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (hitchhiker sex) 10, 10, 10
      “Sewed In” by Unknown Author (transvestite sex) 9, 8, 6
      “Virgin” by Pfloyd  (sex with virgin slut) 9, 7, 8
      “Lucky Dog” by Brother Wolf (real doggy-style sex)
            10, 8, 8
      “He Doesn’t (Love Her Like I Do)” by Uther Pendragon 
            (emerging adolescence)  10, 10, 10
      “The Dick: Confessions of a Private Eye” by Sandmann 
            (private detective orgies) 9, 10, 10
      “Friction” by Mark Aster (threesome) 10, 9, 9
      “Tomboy” by Jordan Shelbourne (emerging adolescence)
            10, 10, 10

“Lady” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu).  A scared 
young woman is hitchhiking.  She feels frightened, but she knows that 
it is safer to look sexy rather than scared.  A truck driver picks her 
up.  He likes her looks, but then he realizes how vulnerable she is.

The nice thing about this story is that all you can guess from the 
description I have given you is that there is going to be a creative, 
well-written ending to the story.  With other authors. I can use my 
knowledge of their writing habits to predict the ending.  With this 
one, I felt hopeless but interested.  In this case I was concerned that 
the woman was in the truck with a homicidal maniac, who would rape and 
kill her because she wouldn’t give him what he wanted.  My apprehension 
was reasonable, based on the situation, rather than a simple knowledge 
that this is the kind of story this author writes.

I have not yet been seriously disappointed with this author, and after 
this story her reputation is still intact with me.

Ratings for “Lady”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Friction” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  There is trouble in 
paradise.  Mike (a lesbian introduced last week in “Dykes Crossing”) 
and Our Hero (the lad who has performed the honors of impregnating Pat) 
appear to be in direct competition - vying for Pat’s attention and 
affection.  Julie (Pat’s younger but equally lascivious sister) 
suggests a solution: a joint emboikment, with Our Hero filling Pat’s 
anal cavity while Mike works the front side.  Will the dyke and the 
hetboy work out their hostilities and become friends?  Will Pat feel 
exploited by this competition among her suitors? And to what activity 
or abstract concept does the title refer?  You can probably guess the 
answers, but you should read the story to see what the author has to 
say.

Ratings for “Friction”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

“Sewed In” by Unknown Author.  The man is eager for some sex, but his 
girlfriend insists that he try on some of her clothes instead, while 
she makes some final adjustments to her wardrobe.  Ooops!  She has sewn 
him into the clothes.  Now she’ll have to shave his legs and all that 
stuff and pass him off as a female when they go on their date.  The guy 
likes it and wears female clothing as much as possible thereafter.

Ratings for “Sewed In”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

“Virgin” by Pfloyd (pfloyd@pobox.com).  The man’s wife is out of town; 
and while he steps out to get the mail, he notices his beautiful 18-
year-old neighbor, to whom he has never spoken before, sunbathing in a 
string bikini.  “Hi,” he says; “You look great in that bikini. I’ll bet 
your boyfriend enjoys your body.” “Hi yourself,” she says; “Would you 
teach me about sex? Please!”  So he invites her into his house.  The 
original offer only extended to heavy petting and oral sex; but the guy 
manages to pop her cherry with his pulsating, hard cock, much to their 
mutual enjoyment.

This author asked for advice; so here it is.

(1)  The first paragraph of the story focuses on the guy’s need to see 
his wife having sex with someone else or to engage in a menage a trois.  
That has nothing to do with the rest of the present story.

(2)  The timing is occasionally off.  For example, I have slightly 
exaggerated how quickly these two decide to fuck - but not much.  The 
setup could be improved.

(3)  The author sometimes goes into too many details.  This is almost 
the opposite of suggestion (2).  The point is, it’s not always 
important to mention that the guy took his shoes off.  To combine (2) 
and (3), we could say that the author should mention details, but only 
relevant details, and should give the reader some hint as to why they 
are relevant.

(4)  The author should avoid stereotypical language.  For example, not 
all cocks have to be pulsating or even hard.  Overused expressions are 
referred to as cliches; and writers should avoid them like the plague.  
{Get it?  “Avoid them like the plague” is itself a cliche.}  Unless I 
am mistaken, Mark Aster has written 42 highly descriptive, erotic 
stories in his Allen Sisters saga; and he has never once used the word 
“hard” or “monster” to modify anyone’s cock.  Aspiring authors should 
check out those stories to find ideas for better adjectives.

Actually, this is a pretty good story.  {It HAS to be, to get such high 
ratings after everything I just said about it.}  The mistakes this 
author makes are common in the writing of many authors, and I hope many 
other writers can benefit from my suggestions.  This author says in his 
prologue that he is reposting this story after writing it a couple of 
years ago and is considering improving or finishing it.  I think now 
would be an excellent time to do so.  It’s difficult to revise a story 
when one is too close to it; but after a period of time has passed, 
it’s almost like reading someone else’s writing.  I wish this author 
good luck in writing and revision.

Incidentally - with regard to the story line - this story is based on a 
widespread belief that virgins need to “learn” how to have sex.  That’s 
largely bullshit.  People do in fact learn to please others as a result 
of their own personal or vicarious experiences; but there is nothing 
inherently defective about two virgins going at it together.  In fact, 
in this story itself the girl does pretty well on the basis of her 
naive intuition.  My husband and I were both virgins when we first made 
love together; and I wouldn’t trade those early experiences for 
anything!  The keys are to relax, trust each other, and do what comes 
naturally.  

Ratings for “Virgin”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“Lucky Dog” by Brother Wolf.  In this EBS repost Jeremy lives on the 
Canadian Shield in Eastern Ontario.  He has found himself a private 
place deep in the rocky woods - a den where he can go to be alone and 
masturbate, where he is free from his nosy sister Francine.

One day, while he is walking to his den, Jeremy sees his dog Jackie 
fucking his sister Francine.  He sneaks closer for a better look. He 
badly wants to have sex with Francine right then, but she is his 
sister; and, of course, he knows incest just isn’t a good thing to do.  
Francine sees him and tells him to go away.  Jeremy threatens to expose 
her (so to speak), unless she lets him touch her pussy.  She replies 
that that would be disgusting.  But she gives in and gives in and gives 
in, and soon Jeremy fucks his sister.  Then she suggests that maybe 
Jackie the Dog should fuck Jeremy.  Since Jeremy is not a fag and 
neither is Jackie the Dog, the boy calls his sister’s bluff, believing 
that nothing will happen.  Wrong!

At first I thought this story was improbable, but then I remembered 
that this WAS the Canadian Shield and, after all, I have a friend who 
says she’s been having sex with a real son of a bitch and Jackie would 
certainly fit that description.... 

While we’re on the topic, let me point out that “bestiality” omits the 
initial “a” in “beast.”  If we’re going to be perverts, we might as 
well spell our perversions correctly.

Ratings for “Lucky Dog”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“He Doesn’t (Love Her Like I Do)” by Uther Pendragon 
(an569889@anon.penet.fi).  This story is written from a most unusual 
perspective - from the viewpoint of a dog who belongs to a young girl 
going through adolescence.  We see most of the sexual activity only 
indirectly - we have to surmise it through the mind of the dog, who 
draws most of his conclusions by looking and sniffing.  The girl cries 
a lot, has different smells on her fingers and in her crotch, and 
occasionally rubs bouillon into her body for Wiggles to lick out while 
she moans gently.  It must have been a challenging task to write an 
entire story from this perspective; but the author carries it off 
beautifully.  I truly enjoyed this story.

Ratings for “He Doesn’t (Love Her Like I Do)”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“The Dick: Confessions of a Private Eye” by Sandman (bd654@scn.org).  
Many, many years ago, a sweet old nun was making a genuine effort to 
enliven her English class by showing some films of classic movies.  
This was in the days before VCRs were available in all classrooms.  She 
rolled out her 16 mm projector and showed the film that she had 
obtained for free from the public library.  I forget what that film 
was; but after it was over, the sweet old nun said, “And if you’re all 
good, Friday I’ll show you “The Bank Dick.”  A titter ran through the 
room.  {That sentence itself is a punchline to a joke; but we shall not 
digress at this time.}  The nun called on a young student - in fact, an 
A student who would later become an English teacher and reviewer of 
smutty stories, but who {That’s right, “who” - this is a complex 
thought.} - but who the sweet old nun secretly hoped would become a 
sweet young nun - she called on this young student in front of the 
whole class and asked her to kindly explain what was so funny.  At 
first the student evaded the issue with clever responses like, 
“Nothing” and “I don’t know.”  However, the silly grins that the other 
students were urged to wipe off their faces - along with the titter 
that kept running through the class - caused the sweet old nun to 
persist; and eventually the student replied, “Sister, I think ‘dick’ is 
a vulgar term that refers to the male penis.”  The grins quickly 
disappeared; and the titter came to a halt; and the student discovered 
the meaning of the metaphor “killing the messenger.”  

The sweet old nun called my mother that evening and told her that I 
“knew things that no good girl should know.”  As I stood in the kitchen 
listening to the phone call, I came to a new understanding of the 
metaphor “scared shitless.”  My mother responded, “Thank you, sister. I 
think perhaps you had better pray for her.”  Then she hung up the 
phone, looked at me sternly, shook her head sadly, and said, “Nuns can 
be weird sometimes.  You did fine.”

To this very day I don’t know how the term “dick” became applied to 
these disparate concepts; but I still get a silly grin that has to be 
wiped off my face whenever I hear the d-word applied to a private eye.

Anyway, this is not your ordinary “interracial” sex story.  Bernard, 
the black stud, sports a simple five-incher, rather than the usual 
monster cock.  He also has a problem with premature ejaculation, which 
his red-headed, white girlfriend handles sympathetically.  The private 
detective has been hired by Bernard’s black wife with a great ass to 
get the dirt on Bernie, so that she can dump him and make off with his 
money.  The detective, of course, becomes enamored with his client; and 
then, of course, he also becomes enamored with the husband’s mistress, 
who has the most incredible tongue this dick has ever come across. 
{Sometimes I suspect that some of these double meanings are 
intentional.}

To make a long story short, the ladies meet and hit it off together.  
Some of the racial epithets are not politically correct; but then these 
ladies are not politicians.  Although Sheila is a redhead of apparent 
European ancestry, she is conversant with African American literature, 
as we can see from this excerpt addressed to her new dark-skinned 
friend:

“You have the most beautiful ass in the whole world.  I should know, I 
just tasted it.  Your asshole tastes so great.  Please don't spank me 
for my comments.  But whatever you do, don't ram one of the dildos in 
my dresser up my cunt while spanking me.  That would hurt even more.  I 
never want to feel such pain ever again.” Br’er Rabbit couldn’t have 
said it better.

The story is chockfull of surprises and wonderful events: crescendos, 
blowjobs, puckered and gaping assholes, wad after wad shooting across 
cyberspace, and even a double underwater blow job in the bathtub at 
5:00 a.m.  All of this is described in the objective tone and with the 
metaphors typical of a detective in a dime-novel or B-movie.

Near the end of the story (in the pre-ante-penultimate paragraph, to be 
precise), we find these lines:  “These two beautiful bodies, lying 
against one another, were now facing me in such a way that I could see 
their four holes lined up in a line: asshole, cunt, cunt, asshole.  It 
was a beautiful and erotic sight.  I paused to consider my situation, 
scratching my balls in the process.” Writers of detective stories 
always talk like this.

And antepenultimately: “If you can't lick 'em, fuck 'em!"

OK.  Just in case you don’t know the joke that goes with that 
punchline, here it is.  The ladies of the church society had arranged 
to have the children act out the Christmas play as the script was being 
read to the congregation.  {There’s a whole lot more that can be added 
here.  Use your creative imagination.}  Right after the cute little kid 
appeared while the angel talking to the shepherds, another cute little 
boy ran through the assembled worshippers and rapidly fondled all the 
women’s breasts.  The minister jumped to his feet and shouted, “What in 
the HELL is going on here!”  The director waved the script in front of 
him and said, “It says right here in parentheses in the script you gave 
me: ‘A titter runs through the congregation.’”  Or something like that.

Ratings for “The Dick”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Friction” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  There is trouble in 
paradise.  Mike (a lesbian introduced last week in “Dykes Crossing”) 
and Our Hero (the lad who has performed the honors of impregnating Pat) 
appear to be in direct competition - vying for Pat’s attention and 
affection.  Julie (Pat’s younger but equally lascivious sister) 
suggests a solution: a joint emboikment, with Our Hero filling Pat’s 
anal cavity while Mike works the front side.  Will the dyke and the 
hetboy work out their hostilities and become friends?  Will Pat feel 
exploited by this competition among her suitors? And to what activity 
or abstract concept does the title refer?  You can probably guess the 
answers, but you should read the story to see what the author has to 
say.

Ratings for “Friction”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

“Tomboy” by Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com).  Occasionally I make a 
truly earth-shaking discovery.  This is one of those times.  Have you 
ever wondered why Harper Lee wrote only one novel that anyone cares 
about, even though that one novel (To Kill a Mockingbird) is read by 
almost every high school student in the United States?  Have you ever 
wondered whether Harper Lee was a man or a woman?  Have you ever 
wondered what Harper Lee is doing right now?  I’ll ignore the first two 
questions, but the answer to the third appears to be that Harper Lee is 
writing stories for this newsgroup under the pseudonym of Jordan 
Shelbourne!

When I read a story, I HAVE to imagine somebody in the roles of the 
main characters.  For example, I picture myself as Pat Allen when I 
read Mark Aster’s stories; it was easy to picture my husband as Joey in 
“A Rude Awakening”; and one of the reasons I like to read sitcom 
parodies is because it’s easy to picture the actors as the 
protagonists.  As I read “Tomboy,” the author’s style naturally led me 
to picture Scout from “To Kill a Mockingbird” as Spike and Dill as Kip.  
Maybe I’ve been doing too many lesson plans, but look at this passage:

“I know that sounds stupid.  I mean, I was looking forward to the first 
time I ever really fucked a girl and all that, but I never thought it 
would be _Spike._  Spike was something permanent in my life, and I 
thought our friendship would never change.  But it had.  Spike had just 
become something, someone, totally different and I didn't know what, 
and I didn't know what was allowed between us.”

If that’s not Harper Lee talking, I don’t know who it is!  Anyway, the 
story is about a young boy who goes away to summer camp and returns 
home to find his best friend has grown up and is not happy about her 
new-found sexual characteristics.  Nothing a little touchie-feelie 
won’t cure!

Ratings for “Tomboy”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


