
Celestial Reviews 309 -- October 10, 1998

Help!  I don't know where my posts are going, and I cannot contact my Link
finder.  I suspect someone has changed an address or gone on hiatus, but I
need to hear from Eli or Bitbard.  If either of you see this message, please
contact me.

Note: Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course.  After he missed a
twelve-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie.  "As you know, she's taken up golf; and since
she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," replied his partner.  "She's cut some
of us out altogether!"

Second note: The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one
at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could
be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Johnnie walked up to the front
of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie
had in mind for his report that was so exciting, so she asked him just what
that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie; "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot
himself."

Third Note: A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a
young couple was engaged in oral sex. 

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out
there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed
happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple were doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of
artificial respiration... yeah, that's it! It's artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna
try for next!"

Fourth note:  I get some of this stuff from a Faithful Field Correspondent,
who shall remain anonymous, so that I can get credit for what he sends me.
Anyway, many universities, government offices, and businesses tend to strip
the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to
either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address; e..g., Mary L.
Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.
     
They are just now beginning to realize the problems this practice may cause
when you have a large and diverse pool of people to support with e-mail.  Add
to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very
funny addresses (although they are undoubtedly not funny to the individual
involved).
     
Some examples of actual e-mail addresses seen on the Net:
     
     Helen Thomas Eatons
     (Duke University)
     eatonsht@dku.edu
     
     Martha Elizabeth Cummins
     (Fresno University)
     cumminme@fu.edu
     
     George David Blowmer
     (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) 
     blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
     
     Mary Ellen Dickinson
     (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) 
     dickinme@iup.edu
     
     Francis Kevin Kissinger
     (Las Verdes University)
     kissinfk@lvu.edu
     
     Barbara Joan Beeranger
     (Myplace Home Decorating)
     beeranbj@myplace.com
     
     Amanda Sue Pickering
     (Purdue University)
     aspicker@pu.edu
     
     Ida Beatrice Ballinger
     (Ball State University)
     ibballin@bsu.edu
     
     Bradley Thomas Kissering
     (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) 
     btkisser@bendover.com
     
     Isabelle Haydon Adcock
     (Toys "R" Us)
     ihadcock@tru.com

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

=====================
Celestial Reviews:
=====================

"Natural Arcs" by Adhara Law (sex & music) 10, 10, 10

"Fucking Carmody" by Mark Aster (sex instructions) 10, 10, 10

"Seinfeld -- No Man's Land" by Dimitri (sitcom parody) 9, 9, 9 

"Therapy" by Sven the Elder (sexual massage) 10, 10, 10

"The Vibrator" by DTRulz69 (masturbation) 9, 9, 9

"Hope" by Wayne Laredo (adult sex with young girl) 10, 9, 9

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

{I assume you have noticed that my ratings are sometimes higher than those of
some of my guest reviewers.  I explain my rationale for the higher ratings in
my FAQ, but it gets to where some of the authors want me "because Celeste
gives higher ratings."  Please keep in mind that a 7 from some of these
reviewers may be equivalent to a 10 from me or from a different reviewer.
Diversity is good, but sometimes it requires that you think.  Most
importantly, READ the review, not just the ratings.  Finally, I'd like to take
this opportunity to reiterate my appreciation to these guest reviewers for
their help.}

"Frasier Crane At Your Service" by Martin4Life (sitcom parody)
      {No rating given}

"Playing with Fire" by MichaelD38 (Sex in a brushfire) 
      Jubjub: 10, 9.5, 9.5

"North from Jerusalem" by Adhara (sex and religion). Jaybird: 10, 8, 8

"Drive-By" by Peter Principle (nostalgic sex). Sven: 10, 10, 10

"Fresh Produce" by Bernadette (sex and food). MichaelD: 9, 7, 7

"Boy Magnets" by Jenny Wanshel (teacher fucks student). 
      Story Writer: 9, 7, 6

"Lord Of Dreams: The Barbershop" by Victor Ramierez (mind control)
      Nick: 9, 8, 8

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "In the Booth" by Mark Aster (sex fantasies) 10, 10, 10
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8505.txt

* "Restroom Reaction" by Rajah Dodger (voyeurism & hand
            job) 10, 10, 10
          http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=209758338

==================

"Natural Arcs" by Adhara Law (eros_dreams@hotmail.com).

People who enjoy classical music may find this to be one of their all-time
favorites.

The title refers to the notion that the body should move in natural arcs --
both when playing the cello and when making love.  

The female protagonist, of course, falls in love with the male master cellist
under whom she is studying.  At the concert, he asks her to imagine him to be
playing her body while she watches and listens from the audience as he
performs his art on the stage.  Afterwards they make love while she moves in
natural arcs.

It's really quite erotic.

Ratings for "Natural Arcs"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Fucking Carmody" by Mark Aster (MYFrThAl@aol.com).

This story serves as a useful lesson for understanding the difference between
gerunds and participles.  The F-word in the title is a gerund.  That is, it is
a verb used as a noun.  As in "I enjoy fucking Carmody."  What do you enjoy?
Fucking Carmody.  Why do you enjoy fucking Carmody?  Well, because she's
there, and she really enjoys fucking with almost anybody, and she's damned
good at it.  Carmody is the object of the gerund.  Less grammatically, sex is
the object of Carmody; and Carmody is the object of almost every guy with a
dick, largely because she really gets into it when she fucks with somebody.

The F-word in the title could be a participle, but it's not.  If it were, then
it would modify Carmody, not use her as an object.  That's what participles
do: modify Carmody and other persons, places, and things.  Applied to Carmody,
the F-participle would be an expression of disgust.  As in, "That fucking
Carmody won't let anybody stick his dick up her ass."  That's true about
Carmody, but it hardly matters, because 'most anybody's dick can be fucking
happily just about anyplace else in or on Carmody's anatomy -­ in which case
the F-word would be a verb, a progressive verb to boot.

When the F-word is applied to Carmody as a gerund, it takes a possessive
"subject."  That's because the subject is not really a subject, but rather a
fucking modifier.  So just as you would say, "I enjoyed watching some good
fucking by Carmody," you would also say, "I enjoyed watching Henry's fucking
Carmody."  Well, that's what you would say if you were talking to an English
teacher, unless you didn't want her to know about Henry ­- she would probably
already know about fucking Carmody.

Ratings for "Fucking Carmody"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Seinfeld -- No Man's Land" by Dimitri (dimitri_resides@hotmail.com),

Here we have a plot where the crucial issues are that George feels compelled
to drink SIXTY cups of water a day when the real instructions are to drink SIX
TEACUPS of water per day and Elaine is worried about the size of her tits.  As
a result {?!}, George is trying to break up with the beautiful woman with whom
he has been having great sex, and Elaine is dissatisfied with getting "just
yet another great fuck" from her current stud.  In other words, we have people
worried about problems that aren't really problems unless you think they are
problems.  In even other words, we have a good parody of a Seinfeld plot.

Can I write a story with a more coherent and socially significant plot than a
typical Seinfeld episode?  I certainly hope so.  Can I write a sitcom that
will rank number one in the Ratings for several years in a row?  Well,
probably; but I'd rather write these reviews.

At any rate, this is a good Seinfeld parody, with the sex overt rather than
covert.

Ratings for "No Man's Land"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Therapy" by Sven the Elder (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk).

In this story Sven describes his experiences with a really excellent masseuse.

Massage therapists don't really have sex with their clients any more often
than English teachers do with their students or CEOs of major nations do with
their interns.  However, the exceptions are more interesting than the non-
exceptions.  Hence this story.

As usual, Sven does an excellent job of describing both the setup and the
action.  I can tell you no more without ruining the story for you.

Ratings for "Therapy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Vibrator" by DTRulz69 (dtrulz69@aol.com).

While she is cleaning the basement (as per her mother's specific
instructions), 15-year-old Dana comes across <g> her mother's old vibrator,
along with some explicit pictures of her mother making use of that item back
in the days before its warranty expired.

So Dana tries it out, and the vibrator works just fine.  Then she realizes
that her 12-year-old sister has been watching at least part of the activity,
and so she invites Jodi to join in for the encore.

Assuming Dana's mother really has set the appliance aside for a long time,
what is really impressive about the story is the fact that the batteries keep
going and going and going after all those years.  This could give those ad
writers an idea for replacing that damned rabbit that batteries keeps going
and going and going -- as if they haven't thought of the vibrator idea
already!

But I digress.  The story could use a little more development and attention to
details, but it's already a pretty good story.

Ratings for "The Vibrator"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Hope" by Wayne Laredo (laredow@hotmail.com).

Hope is the narrator's cousin-in-law -- his uncle's wife's daughter.  She
arrives on his doorstep late one night -- actually early one morning -- and he
lends support to her in her moment of distress.  He's 20 and she's 13, but
don't let that put any ideas into your head.  They have a chaste relationship.
She comes to him because she's drunk and her mother is a recovering alcoholic
who would be upset at this teenage indiscretion.  Other than the drinking bit,
she was defending her virtue; and so Silas lets her sleep in his bed with him
while he watches a sexy tape on his VCR.

So when Epiphany -- the girl in the movie -- has her climax and Hope says it
would be OK for Silas to feel how wet she is, Silas declines, since she is
underage, her cousin-in-law, and drunk as a skunk.  But then -- to demonstrate
that she is sober, like the way the cops have you touch your own nose with
your index finger -- she grabs his dick nicely and he says what-the-hell and
away they go.

Actually, when he feels her cunt, he has no real evidence that it really was
all that wet BEFORE he got there….

The main problem with this story is that Hope has "aureolae" where most women
have areolas. Maybe it's a birth defect or a religious thing of some kind.

This story is full of bad information.  Aside from the aureolae, there's the
problem of birth control by withdrawal.  Yeah, right!  Don't bet on it.  I
don't want to scare anybody, but (a) sometimes it's hard to pull out before
ejaculation and (b) there's sperm in that there pre-cum.  Really.  You can
look it up.  Then Silas reinserts right after he cums between her thighs.
Guess what!  Semen will still be oozing out that little dipstick for the next
half hour or so.

I suppose I am making too big a thing about the birth control issue, but the
author brought it up.  Aside from that gaffe and the aureolae, this is a
pretty decent story.

Not bad at all!  There's hope for this author….

Ratings for "Hope"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Frasier Crane At Your Service" by Martin4Life (Martin4Life@yahoo.com).  {I'm
terribly sorry, but I cannot recall who sent me this review, and it has no
name attached to it.}

"Frasier Crane At Your Service" rather overdevelops a nice sitcom-like idea.
A series of incidents start when Roz accidentally ingests a love potion (from
Simpsons crossover Apu) and, after giving Frasier a quick blow job, falls in
love with him.  Niles tries the same potion on Daphne (from the television
show, not, alas, the Erotic Mind Control author) at first with no luck, but
eventually with success.  Both couples get laid happily ever after.  Frasier's
following Roz to a train station to prevent her from running  away to New York
is a cute bow to a movie cliché.   

Some of the dialogue is very funny and captures the spirit of the television
program well.  The sex seines are rather pedestrian and occasionally quite
implausible even within the genre's conventions.  The story is probably too
long for the amount of real action.

The technical quality of the story detracts considerably.  Some of this may be
due to English not being the author's first language (although I wish my
second language was as good), but most faults can be found in many other
stories whose authors have less excuse.   

Writers of dialogue should learn that not every quote has to have "he said"
appended to it.  Indeed,  if a new paragraph marks each change of speaker,
often no identification is necessary.  In this story, even with the constant
"he said"ing, lack of proper paragraphing makes it difficult to follow who is
saying what at times.  The author also needs to enliven his vocabulary so that
the same words and phrases do not show up in too close proximity.

   The author asks us to keep a lookout for more of his stories.  We should,
but I hope he will polish his technique in the meantime and edit, edit, edit.

{No rating given}

"Playing with Fire" by MichaelD (MichaelD38@aol.com).  Guest review by Jubjub.

Story Summary:  Sex in a brushfire

This is an excellent story.  A man describes how fire turns him on sexually.
Eventually he meets, and mates, a woman firefighter who feels the same way.

Technically, this story is all but perfect.  I did find a few questionable
points, but nothing that I could definitely say was an error without a book on
grammar on hand. While the style was nothing special, the author used variety
in both his vocabulary and his method.  This was a story that I think would
please most professional editors.

Speaking of plots and characters, I had a few small complaints.  The author
didn’t seem to know how to get the man and the woman together.  The dialogue
seemed somewhat unnatural and rushed.  The ending was seemed to fade a bit.
Neither of these are major problems, however.

Overall, the best story I’ve reviewed so far.  The main character is very well
drawn. While this story is not the sexiest, the most erotic, or even the most
realistic, it does have something to say and says it very well.  Very
recommended.

Technical:  10.0  No definitive errors.  Sufficient style
Characterization and Plot:  9.5  Felt rushed a bit through the latter half
Appeal:  9.5  As close to perfect as I expect to see

"North from Jerusalem" by Adhara (eros_dreams@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Jaybird (j_bird3@hotmail.com).

"North from Jerusalem" is the first story I remember reading by Adhara
Law.  If this is the author's first story, it is a promising start indeed.

The author starts with a quick warning to readers:  "This story contains
religious themes mixed with erotica that some might find uncomfortable,
especially if you are Christian. Just a warning."  The warning is a valid one,
as the story has important Christian figures doing things that today's
Christian fundamentalists might find rather distressing, but I doubt most
readers of Usenet erotica would object to the content. If you're easily
offended by this kind of thing, you probably aren't reading this review, but
I'd stay away from this story.  For the rest of us, it is a relatively
entertaining piece of short fiction.

Calling this piece erotica is a stretch, because there isn't very much sexual
content at all.  There is one short and conventional sexual act, but I imagine
you could find much more explicit language in the Starr Report.  What this
story really is is an interesting short piece that attempts to challenge the
readers' assumptions regarding Christianity, and it succeeds quite well on
that level.  If you're looking for stroke material, read something else.  If
you're looking for a quick, entertaining read that might actually make you
think a little, try this one.

Adhara writes well.  The story's grammar and punctuation are essentially
flawless.  There may have been a couple of minor technical errors, but that's
only if you're looking to nit pick the geography.  The author's use of
language is descriptive without being too wordy.  Given the length of the
story, major character development is difficult, but that's not really the
point here.  Adhara conceived an intriguing plot device and wrote a couple of
pages about it.  I'm not even sure that it would have been more effective if
this had been blown up into a longer, more comprehensive story.  It actually
functions quite well the way it is.

My ratings:

Athena (technical quality): 10 (very well done)
Venus (plot & character):  8 (An interesting concept.  Too short for
real character development.  Little erotic content.)
Jaybird (appeal to reviewer):  8 (A thought-provoking, if not
particularly exciting read.)

"Drive-By" by Peter Principle (PeterPrin@hotmail.com). Review by Sven the
Elder, who may be contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk.

'Drive by' is a bitter sweet story of last partings, taken in the knowledge
that a relationship was ending.  It's a backward look at that last time,
tinged with regret and a philosophical glance of what might have been.  There
is a description of making love for that last time, that is good and
describes the degeneration of love making to just plain fucking as it becomes
apparent that the relationship is closing.

Reading it a few days before Celeste asked for the review, it left me
wistful. Many years ago I left one relationship in not dissimilar
circumstances.   It revived those feelings, the thoughts and the deeds of that
time ago. I  ended up sitting looking out of my study at the autumn twists of
brown and gold in the trees. That a story like this can evoke such memories
and feelings of events in ones own past is a mark of its success.

Quite excellent in a slightly sad, wistful and thought-provoking way.

Ratings for "Drive-By" 
Athena (technical quality):  10 - Nothing to jar or interrupt the flow
Venus   (plot & character): 10 - A cameo, well captured.
Sven  (appeal to reviewer):  10 - Thought provoking and enjoyed.

"Fresh Produce," by Bernadette (bybernadette@my-dejanews.com). Guest review by
MichaelD.

Nora and Henley meet at the grocery store after she slips and falls in a
puddle of split milk.  After much witty banter, they have sex in the stock
room.

This story was an unexpected treat.  At first, I thought it would be another
cliché-ridden stroke piece, but I quickly realized it was a fruit of a
different stripe.  The author dishes up pun after pun, one-liner after one-
liner, milking the erotic undertones of the supermarket for every drop of
comic effect.  Some of the jokes work; some don't; but for the most part, it's
a very tasty piece.  One of the better exchanges:

      "Fruit."  Henley stopped.  "Canned fruit."
      "Yes, canned fruit is good," Nora added, "I like peaches.  Pineapples,
      I can deal with pineapples too.   I like the ones shaped like little
rings."
      "Peaches and cream," Henley chimed in, "that would be heavenly . . .
      used to stick my tongue through the hole."
      "I beg your pardon?"  Nora's eyes were wider than ever.
      "The pineapple rings, you never did that as a kid?"

Ironically, what doesn't work so well in this story is the sex.  The switch to
clinical descriptions of pussy-eating and cock-sucking changes the flavor of
the story, although the author does manage to mix in a few more delicious
puns.  I just think it would have been better had she stuck with the food
metaphors throughout the entire encounter rather than serving up "clits" and
"penises" once Henley and Nora peeled off their clothes.

There is an unexpected twist at the end, but I thought it seemed an
unnecessary spice that added little to this literary stew.

If all the food puns in this review didn't turn you off, you should enjoy this
story.  All in all, an above-average effort.

Ratings for "Fresh Produce:"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (a few typos the author should have caught, but
excellent use of puns)
Venus (plot & character): 7
MichaelD (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Boy Magnets" by Jenny Wanshel (chilly2@biosys.net). Guest review by The Story
Writer.

"Boy Magnets" relates how a horny middle school teacher begins an affair with
a boy in one of her classes.  I have the impression that "Jenny Wanshel"
really is a woman.  This has the feel of a true story; it contains numerous
irrelevant details. and telegraphs its punches.  There are a couple of
incidents recounted within the story that could have been developed if this
were fiction and should have been left out if it’s not.  The initial seduction
goes on too long to be artful, -- she really has to work on this very naive
male -- but that lends an air of verisimilitude.  One puzzling aspect was why
a woman as pretty and hot as the narrator makes herself out to be doesn’t have
several men helping keep her nailed down.  But then I thought the same thing
about that teacher in Seattle.  Paraphrasing Borges, "Reality may escape the
obligation to be interesting; stories, may not."

Technical quality is good.  I suppose the narrator is not in the English
department because I did notice one grammatical error "Well, it wasn't
her...." and at least one comma splice.  Although I see it frequently, I still
believe the past tense of "sneak" is "sneaked," not "snuck."  "Backseat" (n)
is not one word, though "backseat" (adj) can be.  Perhaps the narrator is the
Latin teacher, since she correctly writes areolae as the plural of areola and
does not confuse it (little area) with aureole (golden crown).  Definitely,
she’s not the biology prof, since she believes that a bicep is the singular of
biceps.  Finally, (and getting to grouse about this is my only condition for
doing these reviews) the author does not separate sentences with TWO -- that’s
ONE, TWO -- spaces!

For me, the story is neither sweet nor particularly hot.
 
Now how do these ratings work?  
Athena-9
Venus-7
Homer-6.

"Lord Of Dreams: The Barbershop" by Victor Ramierez
(lovecannibal@hotmail.com). Review by Nick e-mail nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk

I believe this is part of a series of stories involving a man who is able to
wander into the minds of women and explore their fantasies, then manipulate
their dreams. In this one the hero is on an aircraft, and as the plane takes
off he pokes around the mind of one of the stewardesses and discovers a
fantasy about having her pubes shaved off.

Of course she dreams this and wakes up to find that the fantasy was all true
and that she was naked. Her colleague is very discreet and tells her that they
just let her sleep and that her only visitor was a guy who claimed to be a
friend.

I had a terrible credibility issue with this aspect of it. We were asked to
believe that in a busy aircraft shortly after takeoff a stewardess is stripped
naked and shaved as she slept without anyone noticing. I suppose I could have
forgiven this if I had been into shaving cunts, but I'm not - sorry.

My marks for this: 
Technique 7 (it flowed well enough) 
Plot/character 5 
Appeal 4

After Celestial Adjustments:

Athena (Technique) 9
Venus (Plot/Character) 8
General Appeal 8

* "In the Booth" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  

The main criticism of this story is that it is incoherent.  The author jumps
from one plot to another with no apparent character development.  Normally,
that would mean that this is a bad story; but this time that makes this a good
story.  Why?  Well, I can't tell you.

I wish I had been allowed to say things like that preceding paragraph on my
literature exams back in high school and college.  The instructor would read
the paper and say, "Great! A+."

Well, the short answer is that there's a reason for the incoherence, and it
has something to do with the booth in the title.  This is another good but
short story.

Ratings for "In the Booth"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Rest Room Reaction" by Rajah Dodger. 

A man is heading for the men's room
when he hears amorous sounds coming from the ladies' restroom.  He peeks in
and concludes that a woman is masturbating in one of the stalls, and so he
climbs to a place of concealment from another stall and watches her finger the
fun hole.  But wait!  Bad news: he's busted!  He feels a hand grab his foot.
Good news: the hand belongs to a woman who decides to turn him *on* instead of
turning him *in*.  In other words, she decides to hold his sausage hostage
from her unseen location behind him.  I have reservations about this story.
Pedophiles, sadists, and rapists I can handle; but when people start writing
stories about men sneaking into the ladies' restroom, that's going a bit far!
This is a short but excellent story.

Ratings for "Rest Room Reaction"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


<end>
