	Celestial Reviews 322 - April 4, 1999

Poster's Note: Celeste was distressed by the number of typos in the
version of this review which I originally posted.  She asked me to post a
revised version.  I've also run my eye over the version which she sent me.
This should have fewer typos, but neither of us can guarantee anything
near perfection.

Note: Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. 

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't 
bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 
degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 
20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend 
it in half with just one hand." 

"So," says the second drunk; "What's your point?" 

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


Second note: Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 
children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 
children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally 
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean  her 
and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Third note: Somebody sent me this as an example of the dangers of ambiguous 
expression: "When he has to pee, he whips it out over the side of the boat 
and me and Mom have to hold it!" That sentence is supposed to be about the 
two women's problems with bladder control, not about family fun on the 
fishing trip.

Fourth note: Even though someone else is posting this for me, my address
is still celeste801@aol.com.

Blowjob Principle: My contribution to the world of which I am the proudest is 
my proclamation of the Blowjob Principle, which states, "If you ever want to 
get a second blowjob, you should do something to make the giver happy about 
having given you the first blowjob." These stories are blowjobs. If you want 
to keep on getting good stories, you should do something to make the authors 
glad they wrote the ones you have already read and enjoyed.

You may find this hard to believe, but even really good writers like to hear 
from their audience. One of the best things you can do is send the author a 
little note that says, "I really liked your story because...."

As far as I know, all the authors of the stories I review receive no 
compensation beyond the satisfaction of writing these stories, and your 
response can contribute to that satisfaction. The Blowjob Principle is 
applicable to all areas of life. For example, if your English teacher does a 
good job, she's more likely to repeat that performance if you make her happy 
that she went through all the trouble to prepare the lesson so well. 

So remember the Blowjob Principle: "If you ever want to get a second blowjob, 
you had better make the giver happy about having given you the first one."

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"Growing Pains" by Gold Leader Celeb (sitcom parody) 7, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977012
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977018 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977023
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977029

"Y2K" by Jane Urquhart (millennium sex) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?459958384

"Charmed" and "Phone Calls" by Vickie Tern (TG) 10, 10, 9
Charmed		http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?441900894
Phone Calls	http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?437351551

"Karin" by Tiramisu (bdsm) 9.5, 9, 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?436260159

"Marketing Department" by George Allison (oral sex) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?455155988

"Snow White" by The Writer" (fairy tale sex) 4, 6, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?461110604

"How the Frog Became A Frog" by Kevin (fairy tale sex) 2, 2, 2
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?461110607

"The Man Who Ate Women" by DG (oral sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?444217768

"Unexceptional" by Jimmy Hat (interracial sex) 10, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?460665954

"I.O.U." by Vickie Morgan (romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657517
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657521
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657525
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657528
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657532
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657536

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Closet " by PhoebeDo (first time with voyeurism). DG: 9, 8, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?450300500

"Explore" by H.D. Meister, e-mail (romance). Nick: 7. 8. 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?454791939

"Going to Bakersfield" by MichaelD (racial purity). 
      Fiddler: 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?459653089
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?459653095

"Ultima VI: The Slippery Key" by Christine W Indigo 
      (fantasy & magick sex). BillyG: 9, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457500738

"Flexi-time" by Elena (leisurely sex). Kivlina: 9, 6, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446008877

"Michele" by John (fucking the innocent). Homer: 9.5, 7, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457500689

"Significant Others" by Kristen Kathleen Becker (sitcom parody). 
      Myers: 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?452158231

"Yoga Is Life" by Artie (yoga and sex). Iron Emperor 10, 9, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?409321560

=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================

"Growing Pains" by Gold Leader Celeb  (Gold_Leader_Celeb@yahoo.com) 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977012
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977018 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977023
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?451977029

As I have often said, one of the advantages of a sitcom parody is that it is 
possible for the reader to imagine real bodies and faces associated with the 
actions described in the story. A further possibility is that the people in 
the parody might retain some major vestiges of the characters from the 
sitcom. And finally, it is possible that the story might have a plot that 
actually tells a good story. This story does one out of three.

The basic plot is that Julie the babysitter decides to have sex with most of 
the Seaver family. She eventually establishes a routine. In the mornings, 
while Dr. Seaver is busy with patients, she visits Ben in his room for a 
quick blow and possible fuck.  Around lunch time she visits Dr. Seaver during 
his break and gets balled in his office most of the time, though she also 
gets fucked by him in the kitchen, living room, and the Seavers' bedroom.  In 
the late afternoon, she often takes Chrissy out for errands but she 
really meets Mrs. Seaver downtown at her apartment, so they can have sex.  In 
the evening she leaves for classes and then returns to Mike's loft, where 
she screws him and sometimes takes on his friend Boner too.  Unfortunately, 
she has not gotten a chance to make love to Carol.

That about says it all. I don't watch the TV show all that often, but I 
suspect this parody does at least enable readers to get hot and bothered by 
picturing, say, Carol Seaver doing it with Julie. However, I suspect that it 
falls short in the second category - being consistent with the characters' 
personalities as developed on the television show. And it fails miserably 
with regard to the final criterion (sensible plot), but people who have 
really enjoyed imagining the Seavers have a good ole time probably won't care 
about that.

This story is by no means an example of terrible grammar. However, I'd like 
to use this story to demonstrate a point. Consider this passage: "Once 
settled back, Julie straddled him and grabbed the base of his thick dick.  He 
reached behind her, grabbing her soft ass.  With Mike's bulbous head at her 
gaping pussy lips, she let out a sigh and slithered down on it."

"Once settled back" is most easily viewed as an elliptical clause, probably 
meaning, "Once {somebody} had settled back." It's OK to omit words, but the 
problem here is that the reader cannot easily figure out what words have been 
omitted.  The general rule in the English language is that a modifying phrase 
or clause modifies whatever noun comes closest. {I know - It could also 
modify another part of speech, such as a verb.} The most sensible way to 
understand this first sentence, therefore, is to interpret it as "Once she 
had settled back…." This makes perfect sense. However, as we read a little 
further along, we discover that Julie is on top. This is news to us, since we 
just had her settling back in ecstasy.

My point is, it DOES make a difference! If an author wants to draw a picture 
with words, then he should draw it in a way that will enable someone other 
than himself to view this picture. If the dangling modifier is "only a 
technicality" or "makes no difference," then why draw the picture in the 
first place? 

The author who wrote the above sentence almost certainly saw a clear picture 
in his own mind's eye, and it didn't even occur to him that someone else 
might be confused.  This happens a lot.  Indeed, in most cases dangling 
modifiers make no difference, because "any fool" can figure out what the 
reference is.  The point is that if we allow ourselves to get sloppy and to 
write with dangling modifiers, then when we least expect it one of them will 
stab us in the back by confusing our readers.

If we want our readers to understand us, then we should write clearly, so 
that they can focus on our plot, undistracted by the way we have misphrased 
something. When we draw pictures for our readers, we should led them see 
these pictures clearly, unimpeded by the fogginess that can be introduced by 
faulty expression.

A more complete discussion of dangling modifiers is attached to the end of 
this issue of Celestial Reviews.

Ratings for "Growing Pains"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Y2K" by Jane Urquhart (janey98@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?459958384

The author says, "I am aware of the controversy over the starting date of the 
new millennium, and I know that it will begin somewhere in the Pacific and 
not in Times Square.  But this is a fancy."

Well, actually, it depends on what the millennium really is. If it's the 
2000th birthday of Jesus Christ, then nearly all scripture scholars agree 
that took place about four years ago. If it's an opportunity for some 
interesting computer problems for computers that determine dates with two 
instead of four digits, it's whenever those digits start making a difference. 
For banks and insurance companies, that problem has already started to occur, 
because their computers are predicting expiration dates or anniversaries that 
occur in 00. If it's a time when dates happen to be marked by years ending in 
three zeroes, then this is as good an occasion as any for a fanciful story.

The codes in the title line label this story as "strange".  I think that 
suggests that the author would prefer that readers experience the unusual 
features of the story themselves, rather than having me list those features 
in this review. I feel especially compelled to do what this author tells me, 
since she includes two disclaimers that announce that she is a member of the 
Net Authors and Creators Union (NACU), which defends the rights of Internet 
authors and creators. I'm not inclined to mess with her!

So I'm afraid you'll have to settle for my simple statement that this is a 
story about a man and a woman who celebrate their love for each other during 
the very late hours of December 31, 1999. That plus the author's reputation 
may lead you to a very good story.

Ratings for "Y2K"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Charmed" and "Phone Calls" by Vickie Tern (VickieTern@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?441900894
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?437351551

Although the author seems to list this as two separate stories, I am going to 
review it as one.  I don't see much use in considering them separately.  

A significant anomaly is that the preceding story ("Y2K") was coded 
"strange," but this one was not.  

This story was strange. The husband has been running around on his wife. A 
neighbor sees a strange woman in the kitchen and asks the wife who it was. 
The wife confronts the husband. The husband covers up his guilt by claiming 
that the strange woman was really him (the husband), practicing his 
crossdressing hobby. Now, if you're familiar with this author's work, you can 
probably figure out where this plot is going. But only in a general way: I 
never cease to be amazed at how this author can build toward apparently 
contradictory endings that upon closer inspection actually make sense.

This is an exceptionally creative story. If you absolutely hate TG stories, 
you may want to skip this one.  Otherwise, take a look at this story.

But before I leave this review, I have to relate a joke that somehow reminded 
me of this author's work. Perhaps some of you will see the connection:

A man visiting Las Vegas does really well at the casinos.  To celebrate, he 
decides to hire a hooker.  He finds an extremely attractive specimen on a 
street corner and takes the hooker back to his hotel room, where he tells 
her, "I want a blowjob."

The hooker replies, "That'll be $350."  

The guy is floored.  "$350!  Why so expensive?!"  

The hooker answers, "Look out the window into the parking lot. You see that 
BMW?  I paid cash for that car because I give the best blowjobs in town!"  So 
the guy pays, and he is not disappointed.

The next day he gambles again, and wins even more money.  He is so excited 
that he spends the rest of the afternoon looking for the same hooker. They go 
back to the hotel room.

"Tonight I want to go Greek," he informs the hooker.  

The hooker says, "That'll be $800."  

The guy is floored again.  "$800!  Why so expensive?!"

The hooker says, "Look out the window.   You see that high rise penthouse?  I 
paid cash for that, because I have the best ass in town."  So the guy pays 
and he is not disappointed.

The next day he does really well again at gambling.  So he gets the same 
hooker back in his hotel room.  "Tonight, I want straight up pussy."  

The hooker says, "Look out that window.  Do you see that mini-mall?"  

The guy says, "Oh, let me guess.  You own that too?"  

The hooker says, "Nope. But I would if I had a pussy."

Ratings for "Charmed" and "Phone Calls"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Karin" by Tiramisu (tiramixu@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?436260159

There are two reasons why I shy away from reviewing bdsm stories.  First, I 
find that many of them are based on simplistic assumptions about the beauty 
of cruelty that simply are not true. Second, I find that it's difficult to 
write a review in which I can give my honest opinion without offending the 
author. I once received a message of gratitude from an author whose bdsm 
story I had reviewed, in which he thanked me for the review. He pointed out 
that it was damned nice of me to take so much time to comment intelligently 
on something I didn't really enjoy reading in the first place and for which I 
received no compensation other than the gratitude of readers and authors. 
That author's comments made the effort worthwhile. However, a more typical 
reaction is that the author gets pissed off at me for writing an honest 
critique; and so my inclination is to live and let live. I still believe I 
have a right to say whatever I want to say about any story posted here; but 
since there are so many stories, I figure I might as well review the ones 
whose authors appreciate the honest input. And so I tend to skip most bdsm 
stories, unless there is a good reason to review one. This author gave me a 
good reason - by sending it to me and asking for a review.

I guess the easy way to summarize this story is to say that it's about a guy 
being submissive to a bondage mistress while his wife is being submissive to 
him.

In the preceding sentence, at first I inadvertently wrote "cummarize." It's 
strange what Freud will do to a person!  On Good Morning America yesterday, 
Maria Shriver said that Dr. Kevorkian had served as "his own liar." Her 
Freudian slip was showing.

In this story the primary form of "torture" that the man inflicts on the 
woman is making her wait while her orgasm builds. She wants to come, but he 
makes her wait.  The result is that she "suffers" by being forced to wait for 
something better.

The second form of "torture" is that the bondage mistress makes the man stop 
his work on the woman and devote his attention to satisfying the mistress, 
while the wife waits, listens (because she's blindfolded by now), and builds 
her anticipation.

There's more to the story than what I described in the previous paragraphs, 
but I'll let you find that out for yourself.  I think this story will be 
regarded as a "creative challenge" by bdsm enthusiasts because the two forms 
of bondage occur simultaneously.

When I evaluate bdsm stories, I frankly do it as a sort of an outsider. I 
have no interest whatsoever in being in Karin's position or having my husband 
in her husband's position with the bondage mistress. So the reason the author 
of this story would want me to comment on it would be to ascertain whether 
the story has a broader appeal than to the relatively narrow audience of 
bondage enthusiasts.

So, did the story appeal to me? Well, yes. I was able to understand why the 
two participants found this activity to be sexy and why they enjoyed what 
they were doing. My feeling of acceptance and understanding continued to 
build as I proceeded through the story.

This was a pretty good story. I suspect many bondage enthusiasts will 
recognize more of the rituals than I did and may consider this to be an 
outstanding story. But for me, it was a pretty good story.

Ratings for "Karin" 
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8.5

"Marketing Department" by George Allison (allison_george@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?455155988

One of the executives for a cosmetic company has discovered that a product 
called Klensall cleans up more than makeup. That is, if a guy eats a girl's 
pussy, there's no embarrassing after-scent. 

I'm not going to even try to summarize this one.  It's a really interesting 
angle, and the author does a good job describing the trials and tribulations 
of developing and testing the product.  A product like this could make a lot 
of women very happy.

Ratings for "Marketing Department"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Snow White" by The Writer (testcase57@hotmail.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?461110604

I like retold fairy tales that inject sex where it didn't used to be. I think 
that sort of thing appeals to the naughty adolescent mind inside most of
us. 

However, there's nothing special about this story. It demonstrates that the 
author is relatively familiar with the Snow White story and is capable of 
talking dirty. It has the appearance of being written by a 14-year-old boy 
who doesn't give a damn about grammar or any of that nonsense.  

The story doesn't go into how "Happy" got his name or whatever happened to 
Stumpy.

Ratings for "Snow White"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"How the Frog Became A Frog; an Erotic Fairy Tale" by Kevin  
(kevin@nycap.rr.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?461110607

"I wasn't always a frog before I was a fool." That's the first sentence of 
this story.   What do you suppose it means? It means, "I wasn't always a 
frog.  Before being a frog, I was a fool." 

This is a really illiterate story.  Maybe it's written by a person whose 
native language is something other than English. Or maybe it's really written 
by a frog. Or by one of those million monkeys typing randomly for a zillion 
years.  Or maybe the author is a natural genius who was raised by wolves.

It's difficult to find something nice to say about this story. The author 
seems to be about as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar. He may be a 
bright person, but the way he writes, one would think he probably can't count 
to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants. I mean, it's like he has found 
his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.  Metaphorically, this story has 
about three cans in its six pack, but it's missing the little plastic thing 
to hold them together.

If I had a student who wrote like this, I'd take him aside and leave him 
there.

I guess the kindest thing to say is that if this is the best this writer can 
do, then his writing ability is less substantial than the Emperor's new 
clothes.

My point is, it oughta be possible to write better than this. If this author 
doesn't care whether anyone will read his story all the way through, then 
he's in good shape. Otherwise, he oughta try a little harder.

I'm not really sure what this story is about.  It's not worth checking to see.

Ratings for "How the Frog Became A Frog"
Athena (technical quality): 2
Venus (plot & character): 2
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2

"The Man Who Ate Women" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?444217768

After proper build-up, Amy asks, "Can someone tell me what the hell a 'train' 
is?" Someone explains that it's when a woman at a party decides she wants to 
take on all comers.  She'll go into a room, and the guys will line up outside 
the door to take their turn.  A whole train of guys, one after the other." 
Not being readers of this newsgroup, but only characters in one of its 
stories, they bewail the low state of self-esteem that must lead a woman to 
do something like that.

So the author says something like, "Well, maybe they like it."

To which one of the lubricated - er, liberated - women replies, "How 
can you think a woman could really enjoy something like that?  How would YOU 
like performing oral sex on a dozen women you hardly know, one right after 
the other?"

'Nuff said. You can see where this is going, can't you?  Well, I bet you 
missed this twist: "Let me get this straight - Steve would be lying 
blindfolded on the bed, and we would just go in there anonymously and sit on 
his face?" 

You know, this could really be bad for a guy's self-concept, if nobody took 
him up on the offer. It could be the title of a book, "I Threw a Taco Train 
Party and Nobody Came."

"There were cunts so hairy that it was like eating out a broom, which was 
sort of a drag, and there were a few that were shaved slick and bare, which 
isn't really my preference either.  There were small cunts with 
tightly-folded lips that had to be teased open with a rigid tongue-tip, and 
big cunts with soft lips that enveloped my tongue and nose in a warm, musky 
embrace."

The preceding paragraph may give you the impression that this is a tawdry, 
disgusting story. In fact, it's not only creative, but surprisingly 
thought-provoking.

Ratings for "The Man Who Ate Women"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Unexceptional" by Jimmy Hat (jimmy@jimmy-hat.com ).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?460665954

Maytag and Stanton are federal agents trying to crack the case of a white 
racist who states his opposition to miscegenation by harassing white women 
who have posted personal ads for well-hung black studs. The two feds post 
some ads of their own as a sort of a sting. Their investigation is disrupted 
by a black man who is on a mission to debunk the myth of the oversexed black 
stud. He demonstrates his case by sending Agent Maytag out of the room and 
fucking Agent Stanton with the unexceptional tool mentioned in the title.

I got to the end and thought maybe I missed something; but no, my first 
paragraph summarizes it pretty well.

If this sort of thing moves you, then this is the story for you. On the other 
hand, if you think this is Much Ado about Nothing, you're wrong: it's 
Unexceptional.

Ratings for "Unexceptional"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"I.O.U." by Vickie Morgan (artemis55@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657517
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657521
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657525
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657528
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657532
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446657536

This story takes place in the northeastern part of England, which is a 
country on an island between North America and Europe, where never have so 
many owed so much to so few.  It's good to read stories like this one, 
because they break down stereotypes. For example, I thought the Brits 
measured height and length in cubits, but they don't.

Ellie visits her old friends back home. She meets her best friend's brother, 
for whom she used to baby-sit when he was twelve years old. At that time he 
had been turned off to girls. In fact, he had sworn them off completely. So 
completely that Ellie had signed a promissory note (hence the title) that 
said, "I promise that if Carl Robinson hasn't had sex by the time he is 
eighteen I will go to bed with him.  Signed Elizabeth Hawkins." It turns out 
that six years later, he still has the note. If you can do the math, you can 
figure out a major part of the plot.

That reminds me of two things:

(1) It's a shame men don't have some sort of membrane built into their bodies 
so that it would be possible to check claims like the one Carl makes in this 
story.

(2) It really is important to be nice to people who are too young for you 
when you are a teenager. They grow up.

(3) It's fun to get it in writing when a prepubescent kid swears off sex. My 
own mother got it in writing, and my husband and I had a lot of fun with the 
note on our wedding night.

Anyway, I had a long hard day today; and I really appreciated it when I sat 
down at my computer and read a story that was not only sexy but also 
realistic, thought-provoking, and entertaining. I think I owe this author 
something.

Ratings for "I.O.U." 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Closet " by PhoebeDo (PhoebeDo@aol.com) Guest review by DG.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?450300500

"The Closet," by PhoebeDo@aol.com, is an incarnation of a fantasy that two 
people share, the author and the author's unknown acquaintance.   With the 
exception of the stock characters and the abundant usage of cliches, the 
story works pretty well.  The sex scene was vividly written.

The premise is based loosely upon "the art of seducing a virgin."  Now, 
there's an art form for you!  Jeff is the teacher, apparently a man who can 
whisk 12-year-old girls off their feet with just a glance and a few "hushed" 
words of endearment.  Pretty soon, after he molests her in a kind, but 
extremely orgasmic way; and the girl begs to "do it again."  Ah, fantasy!

We get a glimpse at reality when the narrator, who I assume is a woman, gets 
second thoughts about spying on the copulating couple.  But, her moral 
struggle is brief and soon she's as hot as a bitch in heat.

The only innovative feature of the story is the melding of voyeurism and 
pedo.  Now, I've got voyeuristic tenancies, but I have to admit that I would 
never want to witness a pre-pubescent girl getting fucked for the first time. 
Call me old fashioned, but I would rather read about a teenaged girl/woman 
in a coming of age story.  It just seems more realistic.   When I say that, I 
mean that I can't fathom that this scene would turn out as it did.  The girl 
showed no hesitation and was a bit too eager.  There was no seduction!

However, if you get off on such a story, then I'd check out this short 
introductory scene.  It seems like a setup to a longer work.  Hopefully, the 
author will flesh out the characters.  The story lacked depth because I 
didn't feel for the plight of the virgin or the narrator.  And, I didn't 
relate to Jeff, the sexual predator.  I wanted to know how he had seduced the 
young girl.  I needed to at least know her name.   Also, why did the narrator 
succumb so easily?

All my own biases and prejudices aside, I found this fantasy to be sexily 
written for its genre.  The descriptions of the "seduction" are written quite 
well.  I'd recommend it to readers that find this subject matter titillating.

Ratings for "The Closet"
Technical:  9
Plot and Character: 8
Overall appeal to DG: 7

"Explore" by H.D. Meister, e-mail (dez187lm@hotmail.com)
Review by Nick e-mail nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?454791939

I'm puzzled by the two disclaimers that accompany this story. The first
says that the reader may be greatly offended or sickened, and the second
is that the story may be based on the role-playing game "Shadowrun."

I suppose these cover the kinds of story that HD normally writes, but in fact 
this is unlikely to sicken anyone, nor can I see that it's based on any 
role-playing game. It reads like a slice of real life in fact.

The story describes quite simply the way a man falls in love. It is quite 
well written, if a little confusing in places and I enjoyed it, although I do 
feel the author might have taken more care in places. It's very short, and 
there really isn't that much more to add.

Athena (technique)     7 - (could do with proofing)
Venus (plot/character) 8 - (background missing)
Nick (appeal to me)    8.5

"Going to Bakersfield" {MichaelD} (MichaelD38@aol.com) Reviewed by Fiddler.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?459653089
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?459653095

Well, it is a story, quite a story.  And it involves sex, although mostly not 
explicit sex.  So I guess it belongs in ASS.

In a future, or alternative, America, a racial-purity group known as The 
Covenant wages civil war to break the western edge of the USA off as a 
separate nation.  Major Steve Harris is in charge of one of the rebel 
companies.  His military success loses to his political unreliability when he 
is ordered to send girls from his camp to a breeding program at Bakersfield.  
(I've left out a good many complexities, the story in fact.  However, I don't 
think that the author intended the details which I revealed to be secret; 
they were very nearly telegraphed.)

If this story turns you on, you should seek professional help immediately.  
On the other hand, it is remarkably effective as a story.  (Remember that the 
third number means "Does the story work" for me.)

Ratings for "Going to Bakersfield" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 10

"Ultima VI: The Slippery Key" by Christine W 
Indigo<christineindigo@juno.com>Guest Review by BillyG <hayden@mindless.com>
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457500738

    The excitement and delight of erotic literature hinge on the intimacy of 
connection.  Failing that, it's reduced to a mechanical description of 
rutting, a zipless fuck if you will.  This story, "Ultima VI: The Slippery 
Key," likely a small part of a much larger backdrop, becomes similarly 
limited, for the players remain two-dimensional, mostly undefined and unknown 
characters set by inference is a larger, magical tale.  It's like being set 
down in the middle of a dungeons and dragons game, not knowing the players or 
the rules. It's a teasing glimpse, mostly ill-defined, at what's likely a 
larger, richer tale.

     When experienced as a stand-alone story, it fails for lack of 
definition.  Sexual allusion in a magical kingdom fails as an erotic story.  
When viewed as a subset of a known plot line of magic and fantasy, it's 
likely that it has greater merit, but as erotica, it comes  up short.

     In essence, four fantasy adventurers, three men and a woman, are trapped 
in a magical prison, the lock to the door of which can be opened only by the 
woman pulling a train.  This, it would appear, is the solution to a riddle 
and the raison detre for the predicament.  A failing oxygen supply in a 
mythical prison doesn't make it as sexual tension, and expeditious rutting as 
the "key" to their lock similarly falls short of eroticism.

Ratings for "The Slippery Key"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Flexi-time" by Elena (silverlink@altavista.net). Guest review by Kivi K.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446008877

As I said in my review for The Bodysuit in the last CR, Elena has become one 
of the few authors whose older stories I searched for on my DejaNews account. 
So you can tell how happy I was to see yet another Elena story in my box to 
review.

And, once again, she doesn't disappoint.

The story, like most other Elena's, starts simply, in this case, waking up in 
bed next to her lover.  They are worried about her being late for work, but, 
as she is on flexi-time, she has plenty of time for a morning romp.

Usually, I like a story that revolves around a serious plot line and works 
the character development in somewhere.  Elena's story seems to have no plot 
other than being able to come into work late, the character development is 
nearly non-existent, and there isn't even a vivid description of the 
characters' appearance.  In other words, a great story for those who pay for 
their on-line service by time rather than flat-fee.

If your kink is seeing how a sexual RELATIONSHIP develops, go somewhere else, 
but if your kink is seeing how a sexual SITUATION develops, you've found your 
home with Elena.

Ratings for "Flexi-time"
Athena (technical) - 9
Venus (story) - 6 (only because there is no real plot)
Kivlina (appeal) - 9

"Michele" by John (sxjames@aol.com). Guest review by Homer Vargas.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457500689

"John" exerts a lot of effort to make this feel like a real first person 
narrative, including clunky self description that has little to do with the 
story.  When he finally gets around to it, we have the standard male fantasy 
of the perfect sixteen-year old girl who becomes a pal until one day -- ta ta 
-- during a thunderstorm, she comes on to him.  After trying to convince us 
for way too many pages that he's never had a carnal thought about her, (John 
is shocked, shocked, that Michele has given her cousin a blow job and he's 
eaten her, or, as we are supposed to believe she said "had oral sex,") John 
then rushes off to bed with her.  

After a few more contrived battles of conscience, John does the deed and 
asks, "Is there anything more beautiful than a teenage girl in the heat of 
passion? There is: a teenage girl resting in the quiet afterglow of wanted, 
consensual sex."  Wrong answer!  The correct answer is, a grown woman who has 
just gotten happily fucked.  If this be error and upon me proved, I never 
writ and no man ever loved.

I will leave the ending for the reader to discover.

Sorry, I was not convinced by the characters in spite of a wealth of
pseudo detail.  They remained carefully painted cardboard.  To say that
the story is better than average is damming with faint praise.  Who has
time to read everything that's better than average? 

Technically the story is first rate with the exception of a few overly-long 
paragraphs.  (The author even put 1.7889326 spaces between the sentences
as some maniac reviewer keeps insisting.)

Authors who try to make their stories sound like they aren't stories at
all, set themselves a high hurdle.  This one does not clear it.

Ratings for "Michele"
Athena 9.5
Venus 7
Homer 6

"Significant Others" by Kristen Kathleen Becker (WWW1@aol.com). Guest review 
by Dave Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?452158231

I should probably mention up front that I don't usually even read those 
stories which fall into the category of "TV or movie ripoff", whether they be 
parodies or not. I just about never get the in-jokes or references, so it 
frustrates the hell out of me. In the case of this story, I am glad to say 
that I didn't notice its "TV-ripoff-ness" very much because the plot doesn't 
hinge on this kind of previous knowledge. 

Let it suffice to say that the show is based around a threesome (mmf) that 
have been pals forever. None have been sexual with each other... until now. 
And when one of the guys walks in on the remaining m-f pair in the middle of 
something, there's an awkward moment followed by... well, gee, use your 
imagination.

The action is written better than the vast majority of pieces of this length 
(which is to say 'short'). In fact, the brevity of the story somewhat works 
to its advantage in that there is little room for the author to overreach and 
attempt to build too many untenable contrivances into the text.

Still, the lead-in could have been better. Instead of giving the details of 
the TV show history in the form of a preface, I would have preferred a simple 
integration of the characterizations into the body of the story.  [But this 
may just reflect my own bias when it comes to stories of the TV/movie genre.]

Rating for "Significant Others": 8

"Yoga Is Life" by Artie (artie@netgate.net). Guest review by Iron Emperor.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?409321560

Do you do Yoga?

This story is about a man who comes to a yoga class and falls in love with 
this new way of life and then with one of the women who practice with him at 
class. It's not really a sex story, but more of a romantic story; so if 
you're looking for some stroke material you should look somewhere else. Also, 
if you're not quite into yoga you might not understand the story and miss 
what the author is trying to convey to us. As I'm not into yoga myself I 
think I missed it too.

All in all it's not a bad story IF you understand and love yoga.

Review of "Yoga Is Life"
Athena (Technical & Grammar): 10
Venus (Plot & Character)    : 9
Emperor (Appeal to Me)      : 6 (like I said, I'm not into yoga)

=====================
Celestial Grammar:
=====================

DANGLING AND MISPLACED MODIFIERS.  A *misplaced modifier* is a phrase that is 
supposed to modify one word but is placed in the sentence in such a way that 
it appears to modify the wrong word.  A dangling modifier is a specific type 
of misplaced modifier.  It just dangles (hangs there), usually at the 
beginning of the sentence or clause.  In the following example, it logically 
sounds like the guy is sucking his own cock: 

      Having sucked my cock vigorously, I spread her legs and began to mount 
her.

The ambiguity is removed if the sentence is written like this:

      Having sucked my cock vigorously, she spread her legs and invited me to 
mount her.


Here's a dangling modifier I found in a story I was reviewing:

     After thoroughly sucking the toes of both her feet, she sat down, placed 
her stockinged feet on either side of my still erect cock and began to 
masturbate me with the soles of her stockinged feet! 

What this sentence literally says is that the *woman* sucked her own toes 
before she masturbated the guy's cock.  What the author meant to say was this:

      After I had thoroughly sucked the toes of both her feet, she sat down, 
placed her stockinged feet on either side of my still erect cock and began to 
masturbate me with the soles of her stockinged feet! 

Actually, either activity might be fun to watch; but the author should be 
clear.

Even single words can be misplaced and cause confusion.  What does the 
following sentence mean?

      I only made love to Bob that weekend.

Literally, this means

      I only made love to Bob (and did nothing else with Bob or anyone else) 
that weekend.

However, the author probably meant

      I made love only to Bob that weekend.  (I didn't make love to Tom, 
Dick, or Harry that weekend.)

Or the author might have meant

      I made love to Bob only during that weekend.  (I didn't make love to 
him prior to or after that weekend.)

Even very good writers occasionally use misplaced or dangling modifiers.  One 
of my students recently found a dangling modifier in Nathaniel Hawthorne's 
"The Scarlet Letter."  (I understand this is what the advertisements mean 
when they say that the Demi Moore version is an "adaptation" of the original 
- the producers cleaned up the dangling modifiers.)  More to the point, here 
is part of a sentence written by one of the best authors on a.s.s.:

     "...we enjoyed our platonic relationship and the chance to talk about 
our dates and relationships with a sympathetic member of the opposite sex."

What this author meant to say was this:

     "...we enjoyed our platonic relationship and the chance to talk with a 
sympathetic member of the opposite sex about our dates and relationships."

The most famous example, of course, is the sentence taken from the SAT: 

      "He could only masturbate after the test was over."

That must have been a rough test!  What the sentence literally says was that 
after the test was over all the poor guy could do was jerk off.  The correct 
answer put only before after, suggesting that he simply had to wait till the 
test was over to do his more important solitary work.  Actually, if you're 
familiar with the SAT, you'll probably agree that the original sentence is 
perfectly plausible.

In many cases the ambiguity is cleared up by the conext.  But if you have 
time to revise your work, why not make it easy on your readers by putting the 
modifier (in this case *only* in a place where it is clear what it modifies - 
in this case, right before the word or phrase to which it refers)?

<end>

-- 
Uther Pendragon	                              anon584c@nyx.net
The Sri Lankan government includes the use of condoms in its 
training for cleaning women about to take foreign jobs.

