

Chapter 8


**********


I'll just start writing and however things come out....I will leave 
it at that.... 

Some of us have experiences, or knowledge of events, that we 
would rather not talk about and keep buried away in the 
recesses of our 'other lives'. A few of you may not understand 
what the term 'other lives' means right now, but there are 
things I keep tucked away, personal, that no one outside my 
Mother and Father know about. I do not share this knowledge 
with anyone else. In fact I am specifically instructed not too, 
and I am okay with that, I understand now. 

"Why do we have to travel so far to to see Grandmother and 
Grandfather?" I used to often ask when much younger.

"That's just the way it is, and that is the way it has to stay." My 
dad once told me when I was ten years old. 

It was me, my mom, and my father at the kitchen table as they 
began to explain some things to me in more detail. No this was 
not a talk about the birds and the bees, but something much 
different. My family history was to be off limits to people, 
"Over time you will understand." 

Father did the best that any parent could, by slowly telling and 
showing me some of my family history. This also prepared me 
for what was coming down the road in school. 

However, with such knowledge came some unusual reactions 
on my part, like I had to reframe from bursting out in laughter 
at some of what is being taught as 'history' these days. I would 
painfully pinch myself or clear my throat several times just to 
keep myself in-check.

The talk with my parents helped....somewhat, but that can only 
go so far because then friendships and relationship were getting 
more complex. Sharon for example rarely asked questions 
about my family and when I brushed off the subject with 'I 
have a small family' she thankfully left it alone. That is one of 
the reasons Sharon and I work as friends, she didn't push 
things, and was fiercely protective of our friendship so I felt I 
could trust her, but still it took a very long time before I could 
totally confide in her. 

Sharon may be a cheerleader but she is no dummy, she knew I 
was hiding something, but like I said she left things alone. Isn't 
that mean of me? To feel the need to clarify that she is no 
dummy just because she is a cheerleader.

Now with Dale in the picture I was really struggling with the 
future, he was wanting his parents to meet my parents, but I 
decided to just let Mom and Dad figure out the details on that 
one, they seemed to have all the answers anyway.

Nikki was another problem all together, she sent my whole 
world spinning sideways and I was now convinced I was bi-
sexual. My parents are very traditional, well, not traditional as 
you Americans think of the word. 

It's hard to explain, I'll try maybe later.


*********


"So, you and that Nikki-Girl are getting to be good friends 
huh?"

Just as I feared, Sharon already had an attitude before even 
meeting her.
 
"That 'Nikki-Girl' Sharon? What kind of statement is that?" I 
sighed.
 
"Don't get defensive, I didn't mean anything by it." Sharon then 
reached over to rub my forearm soothingly.

Looks and sounds innocent enough right? No way, I know how 
girls like Sharon operate, an open cutting remark followed up 
with a innocent 'act' of no harm intended. But I can tell when 
Sharon means harm.
 
"Well, we're hanging out and doing stuff, ever since I started 
with Soccer."
 
"And how's that going?" 

"That?" I said getting irritated, "If you mean 'that' as in my 
'Soccer', then 'that' is going very well."

"Settle down Ms. Grumpy! I am serious, again why so 
defensive?" Sharon gave me her fake, soft doe-eyed look of 
concern. I can't continue down this road with her right now, I 
knew Sharon's manipulative agenda and if blew up at her she 
would just act like I was the one 'losing it' and she might even 
start to cry and all that junk. Therefore I must engage in the 
long honored tradition of girly talk that I loath. Putting on my 
acting 'hat' so to speak.

"I'm sorry, it's just so much crap with Dale and sports. I didn't 
mean to get angry." I shrugged and lowered my head a little, 
you notice I left Nikki out of the equation for now. Sharon 
immediately ate this confession up and sprang into action as I 
knew she would.

"What's going on, you and Dale okay? Tell me what's wrong?" 
She was standing and then moving behind me where she began 
to massage my shoulders and neck, like she sometimes does. 
Sharon loves this, giving me advice, loving it when I lean on 
her for support. Sharon was really in my corner where Dale 
was concerned, although she would tease that if Dale and I ever 
broke up she would snap him up in a heartbeat. But my biggest 
concern was Nikki, my only hope was to butter Sharon up 
before they met, and that meeting is inevitable. I could count 
on Nik to be cordial and likable, but Sharon? Hell no, no way, 
no how, she is always plotting, planning, scheming. So what's 
my problem? Why do I keep her around as a friend? I don't 
know. Some weird odd-couple thing. Sharon is always 
defending my sour attitude, blasting people that say anything 
bad about me, always wanting to buy me stuff and take me out 
shopping. I can't afford much, so maybe I am some charity case 
that Sharon has taken on? Sharon's family has mega-wealth 
coming out of their ears, very nauseating. 

I once had to sit and listen to Sharon brow-beat her Dad that 
the brand new Acura he gave her was unacceptable, that she 
wanted a convertible BMW because it was safer (Sharon logic). 
To which her Dad made the clever response, "If you want safer 
maybe a Volvo is the car for you." To which I laughed, this 
only spurned Sharon into one childish fits, waiving her arms up 
and down that we should not 'Joke' about such things and he 
was being 'Horrible' to even suggest such a car.


**********


I had just dropped my bag on the floor, plopped down on the 
edge of my bed when I started to agonize over things, again. I 
still couldn't make heads or tales of what was happening with 
Nik (I call her Nik sometimes if you haven't noticed) Just the 
right place, right time, right-uhmm....whatever? I placed my 
fists on either side of my head to keep my thoughts from going 
out of control, as if that would alone would control my mind 
from drifting.

I didn't budge, I was determined to sit there and think of a 
word, I needed a word, just a single word that could help me 
make sense of everything. My parents were always so 
disciplined and instilled those same values, I will not fail! 

It took awhile, and I got very agitated at one point because I 
had the 
word...right....on....the....tip....of....my....AAGGGHHH!

.....Why can't I just say it!

'Compartmentalizing'! That's it! WHEW! Big sigh of relief. 

Now just a quick check to make sure I was right;
This process is performed in an attempt to simplify things, and to 
defend against anxiety. The principle that 'compartmentalizing 
experiences... prevents conflict stemming from the incompatibility of the 
two polarized aspects of self or other'. Often, 'when the individual is 
confronted with the contradictions in behavior, thought, or affect, 
he/she regards the differences with bland denial or indifference'.
Psychiatrist Robin Skynner suggests the 'simplicity.... of splitting 
everything into neat compartments of "good" and "bad" does several 
things for us, all of which make us feel better. First, it helps us feel part 
of a "good" group - that's comforting. Second, we can relax our usual 
standards of correct behavior for a bit.... And third, we can let off 
steam, that is, get rid of our own "bad" feelings on to the "baddies"'.
That is it! Exactly what I do or needed to do! And I didn't even 
have to sit down in front of therapist to figure this out, I just 
self-diagnosed my own problem! Genius! Pure Genius on my 
part!

Hmmm, hold a second, it also says I have 'contradictions in 
behavior'. Yeah, I can accept that for now.

"My God" cradling my aching head into my hands, reality was 
setting in again 'I am betraying the man I love and no amount 
of fancy jargon or rationalizing will alter that fact.' There it is, 
the true source of my anxiety and pain....no matter what I say 
or think Dale can never find out what is going on, nor could 
Nikki's boyfriend Rob. But 'never' is a long time and something 
I don't control.

More secrets....will it ever end?

I laid back on my bed and thought, 'I will make this work. Dale 
and I were meant to be together.' I told myself over and over. I 
loved this man and admitting that to myself felt simply right 
and pure. Somehow I can see this thru and whatever is going 
on with Nikki I can surely make it thru that as well, true I fail 
to be strong and resilient when around her but I am sure there is 
a way to get 'back on track'. 

Can Nikki and I go back to just being friends? Is that even 
possible? Have I destroyed a friendship by allowing physical 
temptation to go too far? Why is it my responsibility to fix it!

I was exhausted and closed my eyes, all I could do was put off 
the inevitable by 'Compartmentalizing' everything. 


*********


Dale and I entered the crowded, noisy bar, and I instantly felt 
the muscles along my back tighten, because socially I still felt 
like I was about to have a nervous breakdown. For the longest 
time I felt like I was inadequate for not being able to exchange 
in what I deemed 'meaningless conversation' regardless of my 
dating status.

There was also the annoying simmering jealousy of some girls 
to contend with, many would fume over the fact I was getting 
so much attention and that I acted distant and stuck up. On one 
occasion a girl got mouthy with me, telling me to 'not interrupt 
her when she was talking' well I just responded with my usual 
graceful style; "Stuff your bitchy attitude or I'll stuff my fist 
down your throat!" and I pushed my knuckles under her chin 
so hard her teeth clicked. Her face became pale and a look of 
horror told me I had put her in her place, but Dale was 
embarrassed by my reaction and we had a bit of an 'argument' 
over how I over-reacted to things sometimes.

Regardless of all of these annoyances I had an ulterior motive 
tonight, I knew Nikki was going to be here and this would be 
'the test' since I made so many resolutions the night before. A 
nervousness grew in the pit of my stomach as I searched thru 
the many heads of people swarming about.

Dale and I navigated toward a group of friends as I kept 
looking around for any of my soccer buddies and then my heart 
raced for a couple of seconds 'There she is!' and I stole a glance 
in Nikki's direction again. My legs went weak as that 
immediate feeling of attraction shook my senses, I wanted to do 
irrational things immediately. 'You can do this' I thought, but 
was scared of Nikki's reaction to my demands that we end all 
physical contact, not that she would be mad, but that she just 
would fall apart, hell I don't know, maybe she would be 
relieved! Perhaps she was going thru the same anxieties as me!

Somehow I made a polite exit from Dale's attention so I could 
finally move closer to her and she saw me coming. 

Steady....calm....so far so good....my will is strong.

Nik made a quick exit from the guys she was talking with and 
my right arm went up as her left arm reached for me in a hug, 
we embraced and tried to find an isolated part of the bar to talk.

"I've missed you." She sighed and all my worries seemed to 
float away with her touch and the aroma of her perfume and 
hair. No wait....wrong physical response! I still had the urge to 
keep my arm wrapped around her shoulder and hold her close, 
but we were being watched, well maybe not, but we still had to 
be careful. Nobody knew about us yet, I think, God I hope not! 
I needed to end this before anyone was the wiser!

"I've missed you." I sighed. Oh drat! Wrong verbal response!

I could tell Nikki was pretty buzzed from the glassy look in her 
eyes, I stayed secluded with Nikki as long as I dare, besides 
Dale was having a blast and not at all paying attention to the 
time. I could sense it from her, Nikki aching for more physical 
contact, she was talking very close to me, her lips touching my 
ear and cheek when she would speak to me. I took a gulp of my 
beer and blinked back some tears as I wrapped my left arm 
around her waist and pulled her closer, my will power was 
crumbling so damn fast. I started to pray no one was 
connecting the dots, petrified that we were being too forward, 
even in this crowded bar.

"I want to kiss you." She moaned into my ear and I about 
gasped as she ground her crotch against my thigh, and because 
my back was against the wall she had discretely moved her 
right hand around and grabbed my butt with her hand. My 
breathing went heavy and I went for more of my beer now, I 
wanted to cry openly when I turned to look in her eyes and 
melted under her intense, dark stare. I watched her tongue 
move along her lips and I licked mine in response, but now was 
not the time or place. I leaned in and kissed her right cheek 
which faced the wall, extending my tongue just enough to taste 
her skin, "I want to kiss you more than anything." I said into 
her ear. 

There was a physical pain shooting thru my body as we forced 
ourselves to pull away, Nikki eyes glistened with tears as she 
pulled away from me knowing we had to control ourselves. Our 
clandestine romance had begun, and all of my resolutions were 
destroyed in seconds. We held hands painfully tight as we just 
looked into the other's eyes.
  
"Why don't you join us?" a voice interjected and I quickly 
looked away to wipe a tear from my cheek. It was John, he 
played on the Men's Soccer team and quickly scurried about 
collecting some extra chairs for Nikki and I. A sense of relief 
washed over me, a welcome distraction!

But I had barely sat down within the circle of friends when this 
annoying voice piped up....

"Careful, the brute might sock you if you get too close."

"What? Was that directed at me?" I stood up nervously and 
looked around. 

"Duh!" A girl said and slipped thru two of the guys, making a 
goofy dumb expression at me, meant obviously to mock me. It 
was Tiffany and she was pissed at having Nikki and I show up, 
basically manipulating every guy's attention away from her and 
her friends. Allow me to introduce Tiffany! She has fake blonde 
hair, tans too much, and is about as the exact opposite of me in 
every way, oh and to top things off my parents almost called 
me Tiffany when I was born, is that not some odd twist of fate? 
And of course she spent a long and loud campaign proclaiming 
her never ending love for Dale and that she should dump me 
and date her.

"Put a cork in it." One guy said in reference to Tiffany's insult.

"You put a cork in it, what do you guys see in this muscle head 
jock anyway?" She said while giving me a scowl up and down. 
I took a step forward but Nikki's left hand gripped my right 
wrist with a gentle squeeze, I stopped, checking my state of 
mind realizing that I was about to deck the girl.

"Come 'on! What are you waiting for, do we need to step 
outside?" Tiffany said with the best disdain and disgust she 
could muster. Sure I was taller and probably stronger then this 
girl, but she seemed determined to make a stand. I guess in her 
mind she had her own pride to look out for even if it meant 
getting the crap beat out of her, and then again, maybe she 
could take care of herself?

I swallowed hard as Nikki gripped my right hand but I decided 
to remain standing, I had swallowed some pride but felt that it 
would look 'cowardly' to sit down, at least in my own mind it 
did.

"Tiffany what the hell is your problem?" John griped, 
thankfully that was all the distraction needed, Tiffany then 
turned her venom on John as the two argued, but that died 
down too as Tiffany's friends managed to calm her down. I 
started to nurse my drink a little and actually accepted another, 
even relaxing enough to play a round of darts.


**********


