

Chapter 6


**********


It's gym day!

I was sitting on my workout bench (well it's not mine, but you 
know what I mean) when I observe the three stooges in the 
corner of the weight room and they are all high five's to each 
other, being loud and very gay. Well they are actually tying to 
act macho and such, but it really comes off as being gay, so 
fella's tone down the bravado, it's not impressing anyone. 
Anyway I see them stacking the weights on the bar as one of 
the stooges positions himself under the bar, his spotter is now 
standing behind him, okay nothing unusual about that, except 
his spotter starts with that obnoxious "COME 
ON....PUSH!....ONE MORE!...." I hear the weights shaking 
and clanging on the bar as 'lard ass' tries to do a few more 
beyond what he should. Well he finally completes his squat and 
rests the bar on one of the 'safety arms' and steps back, now all 
three morons look pleased with themselves (more laughter, 
back slapping and loudness ensues). And then, I'm actually 
smiling as I write this, justice is served, it actually happens a lot 
when mother nature steps in to dish out some humility. I notice 
the guys are piling on more plates and I raise an eyebrow 
because I suspect dumb-ass is getting ready to try something 
he's not ready for. They even start to draw some attention from 
some other dopes at this point because 'Mr. Pretend 
Weightlifter' loudly announces that they have 495lbs on the 
bar.

I am now hedging my bets, this is not going to go well.

So his spotter is psyching him up for the squat as the guy 
positions himself under the bar, a lot of grunting and huffing 
begins to spew from his face, not to mention the guy looks 
about ready to pass out. He gets the bar off the rack, he is really 
on his own now because his spotter looks deathly thin so I'm 
not sure why he's even pretending to spot. So he goes down for 
the squat (I know this isn't funny, because it can be very 
dangerous) but the dude isn't coming back up. 
Well....well....well! What have we here? I couldn't help but 
smirk after he got the bar off his shoulders (They were at least 
smart enough to put another safety arm further down, so if you 
go down and can't get back up, you can just roll it off your 
shoulders). 

Now wait a second, the stooges are not so loud now, where are 
all the high fives and loud big-man-talk? Hmmm, could it be 
you just let your ego take you down a path you weren't ready to 
handle? And did the whole gym just see it? Why yes we did!

Look people, sometimes you have to leave well enough alone.


**********


Sharon and I headed off to Duke University that fall, each 
excited, yet for very different reasons. The Collage campus 
unnerved me a bit, okay a lot. But Sharon was constantly trying 
to get involved in new things and thrived on the bustle of 
activity. On a positive side it wasn't difficult to make friends, I 
was inundated by other people who were just as nervous and 
eager as I was, but my primary focus was on studying and I 
nixed the offers to attend several 'social activities' for the first 
few weeks. You like that term 'social activities'? A sophisticated 
way of saying, let's go to this party and get shit-faced. I was 
appalled at the number of Freshman that seemed determined to 
piss away their academic opportunities right into some kind of 
probation because they lacked self control.


**********


"This is going to be so great, you're first big college bash!" 
Sharon said, walking with her right arm looped around my left 
having finally coaxed me into attending some party. But my 
internal anxiety meter was off the chart as we approached the 
Fraternity House; It was a big, loud party and everyone seemed 
to know everyone else. Maybe I can find a corner to disappear 
into, no I must think positive! But now I am missing Erik 
terribly and am sad by such a sudden admission.

While my demeanor was distant and quiet, it would seem my 
solid, muscular definition from years of gymnastics, track and 
weight lifting was drawing a lot of attention from the male 
populace, even under my baggy, crap attire. Yeah okay, my 
looks and long blonde hair helped some too....so....whatever!

"Hey, what's up!" Claire came bursting thru a huddled group of 
people to greet us. Claire was an energetic girl, standing about 
5'5" with short multicolored hair which had a mix of blonde, 
brown and black. Even with all of that, she was pretty with 
piercing light green eyes and a nice athletic build. She was also 
on my Gymnastic's Team, so right away I knew I had to make 
an effort to be cordial toward her, even is she is a complete 
dope fiend!  

"Hi Claire." I forced a smile.

"Check it out!" Claire said and then stuck her tongue out at 
both of Sharon and I, a shiny round tongue stud protruded 
proudly. 

"Holy Shit" Sharon laughed and leaned in to take a closer look, 
but Sharon always took stuff like that in stride nothing seemed 
to faze her. I on the other hand gawked with my eyes bugged 
out as I leaned forward, like I was watching a car wreck unfold.

"Why did you do that?" I asked in horror. Claire recoiled her 
tongue while placing her hands on her hips looking at me as if I 
was clueless, "Why do you think?" Claire shook her head and 
smiled.

"You were bored? Pure shock value?" I sighed. Sharon just 
smirked at my smart ass reply.

"Ha-ha, ho-ho, ha-ha....Come'on, take a guess smarty pants!" 

"I just did." I cocked my left eyebrow showing my impatience 
with this guessing game.

"You really don't know?" Claire looked at me with 
bewilderment. I reached up with my right hand and ran my 
fingers thru my blonde hair with frustration several times, 
shaking my head 'no'.

"Oh she's serious alright, she has no clue." Sharon said.

"Well...." Claire turned back to me, a pleasurable sneer 
forming on her face as she began, "....besides as you like to say 
for the 'shock value', there are certain oral benefits to it."

My face went blank and probably my 'gross out face' was 
beginning to form, "Stop right there I don't want to know." I 
raised my right hand signaling Claire not to proceed any further 
with an explanation, I was starting to get the idea.

Claire then stepped in closer "Here, you want to touch it?" and 
then stuck her tongue out, rolling it back and forth in the air 
playfully, my own mouth parted in shock and I leaned as far 
back as I could without actually falling back.

"No! Get away! My god."

Sharon and Claire were every amused by my reaction, well 
good for them. Are there any normal people at this party?

Also I was not at all accustomed to this forward type of 
behavior, totally different from the guys in High School. A lot 
of the guys were shocked I was drinking water, often pressuring 
me into something more alcoholic to try and loosen me up 
some, maybe get me to act a little more uninhibited and flirty. 
Unfortunately when your one of the only sober people in a 
party full of 'drunks' things can feel a bit on the obnoxious side. 
Several times I found myself having to lean away from guys 
that must be 'close talkers', or probably trying to put 'the 
moves' on me.

By now my nerves were getting fairly rattled, like the way you 
get annoyed when some train rattles past your house over-and-
over again. Or you're on the verge of a deep sleep only to have 
the phone ring and wake you up, that's how I felt. I have never 
experienced anything like this; 
'Where are the parents?'
'Where are the School Administrators to make sure things 
don't get out of hand!'
'How could so much responsibility be placed into the hands of 
these drunks!'

I'm getting very annoyed! 
There must be order and control! 
I HAVE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! 

What happened next would go down in the Duke University 
History books, at least Fraternity history books.

'It' didn't initially register with me, but I suddenly felt the palm 
of someone's hand come to rest on my right hip. I looked down 
and tensed, unsure of what was happening as I felt the warm 
touch track around to the front of my belly; "Are you sure I 
can't get you something else to drink?" His voice floated into 
my left ear canal in such a casual manner that I half way 
thought I should have expected it. But the way this guy was 
pulling me in close against the front of his body set off my 
'personal-space' alarms instead. 

"What the fuck!" I spat as my left arm shot up and then quickly 
retracted. At this point I wasn't even thinking, but reacting, and 
not in the most logical manner possible. My elbow drove down 
with all of my strength, when I looked over my shoulder he was 
falling backward, knocking into and down, several other people 
behind him as he clutched his gut.

"Oh shit!" Was the only tangible words he could muster, the 
rest was an incoherent babble of moaning curses as he writhed 
on the floor, his arms cradling his torso. Wow I must have hit 
the bulls-eye. Inquires were quickly made as to why I would 
react in such a harsh way, but apparently few-to-none thought 
it was the most appropriate reaction. 'Uh-oh' so now I detect a 
few glares of detest from some of the guys and girls around me, 
'Time to leave the party!' I think, maybe I was just hearing 
things, but I thought I caught a comment or two with reference 
to me being a 'simple-minded thug' or descriptions that 
essentially equated to such, yet I held my head up high and 
started my fast track back to the dorm.

A part of me was thankful because I felt a sense of relief when I 
got back to my room and sat down on the edge of my bed. I 
glanced around, my eyes drifting casually from the chair, to the 
desk, and the window, observing how the soft, yellowish glow 
from my desk lamp gave the room a warm, cozy quality. "Oh 
well." I mumbled at the realization that I was 17 years old, in 
College and still as big of a social misfit as ever, at least that's 
how I see myself. I thought about home and my bedroom and 
how I longed to be back there, my small family gave me 
comfort....sigh....more on that later.

I gave a lingering stare to the door, the knob turned and Sharon 
stepped into the room with such a somber tone that I expected 
some news of 'death' to come out of her mouth. I just hung my 
head low as she sat down next to me, surprisingly she put her 
arm around my shoulder, no lectures were given. Sharon 
simply reached over and grabbed my hairbrush and began to 
slowly brush my hair, as she would so attentively do 
sometimes, it was so soothing. I questioned if the whole 
incident even occurred.


**********


So Steve, the recipient of my 'gentle' elbow nudge, was initially 
infuriated but that lasted for maybe another twenty-four hours 
or so when I guess an odd sense of respect and attraction must 
have taken hold of him. He then actually tried asking me out on 
a date, I declined of course. 

Meanwhile Sharon continued to take to school life like a bird to 
the air, she was successfully pledging her Sorority and was now 
on the Duke Cheerleading Squad. While Sharon appreciated 
my support of her 'Social Activities' she also knew that I 
thought it was all 'superficial' for the most part as I thought 
Sororities and Fraternities were stupid and childish. 

Unfortunately that incident at the Frat House was just 'the icing 
on the cake' for most people. My exterior aloofness led people 
to believe I was arrogant, uncaring, and in some cases even 
hostile.  How could anyone have this perception of me? What 
the hell is wrong with you people! All of you obviously need a 
good knuckle sandwich if that is what you think! I'm really so 
lovable and sweet! 

Seriously that 'perception' wasn't so hard to come by because 
when you turn down enough invitations as I did, people simply 
stop making offers. So okay, that's fine, go ahead and ostracize 
me, I wasn't going to any more parties anyway! So nah-nah-
nah! 

I don't need friends (big fat lie but I can pretend), I don't need 
parties (now this is true), or going to bars and all that crap! I 
was determined to focus only on sports, studying and sleeping, 
that was it. Besides I like things to be simple in my life, no 
complications. I still had my friends from High School, and of 
course there was Sharon, bless her heart, she did her best to 
help whenever confronted with; 
'What is Corbin's problem?' 
'Why is she so distant?'
'Is Corbin really that stuck up?'
'She kind of scares me, does she really have a bad temper?'

Sharon would half-heatedly reply 'No it just takes time to get to 
know her.' 

Bless her soul, she never tired of trying to pull me into her 
growing circle of friends, but I just kept pulling away. I don't 
think I am some cold hearted beast that pushes people away out 
of spite, maybe it sounds that way, maybe I come across that 
way, or....or I don't even know what to say right now. 

And believe it or not I am human and affected by all of these 
expectations which I rail against, it all came tumbling down 
one night when I literally unraveled. I got up from my desk and 
sat down next to Sharon on her bed, and in an embarrassing 
display of emotion I began to weep, then full blown cry, telling 
her 'I was sorry' for being such a difficult friend while 'You 
make so many efforts on my behalf.' Sharon I think liked this 
kind of emotional display on my part, she enjoyed 'mothering' 
me. I couldn't breakdown like this in front of my parents, they 
expect me to be so strong, it all goes back to my family's rigid 
rules and background which I can't go into right now.

"Don't be so upset," Sharon actually began to cry as well, "I 
shouldn't try and push you into doing things you don't want 
to." Yes indeed it was a nice girly blubber fest as we sat there 
talking late into the night.


*********


The days after I emotionally unloaded on Sharon I felt so 
relieved, even optimistic about things, with an overall happy 
attitude once I had let the flood gates open. Crying is good for 
the soul, I rarely do it, but when I do you better grab a mop and 
bucket.

Calm....peace....tranquility....I felt 'at one' with myself now 
and I'm not even sure what that means, but its that moment 
when you feel 'at ease' with yourself and maybe about life in 
general. 

I had little time to really contemplate or enjoy how I was 
feeling when things went 'sideways' in my life yet again.

"Hi, I'm Dale." I hear the voice from above as I sat on the 
workout bench. I was trying to mind my own business while 
staring idly at the floor in between my curling reps. I was 
actually in the middle of entertaining myself as I watched the 
sweat drip from the ends of my hair (I told you people I am 
easily distracted by simple things).
 
'Damn it' I almost mumbled aloud preparing yet again to tell 
some guy to get lost, but my mouth and brain went into quiet 
mode, for when I glanced up I saw this guy looking down at me 
with such a sincere smile. 'Wow he has that Matthew 
McConaughey look going on, holy smokes!' Suddenly I wanted 
to get to know this guy, instead of my standard reply of 'Get 
lost!'
 
"I've seen you around and wanted to know, do you want to go 
out sometime, like on a date?"

Why was I hesitating, not sure, but I finally forced my mouth to 
move and speak, "Uh sure." I mumbled, or something 
ridiculous because while very pleasing on the eyes, okay he was 
damn-fucking-hot! 

I was also doing another analysis;
-Dale seemed to stand about 6'3" (Taller then me...Check!)
-Was in incredible shape (Check!)
-He seemed smart and funny! (Check!) 

Sweet! He made my preliminary 'check list', he can now move 
onto the finalist round. What a relief, I've met a lot of guys that 
had 'the looks' but none of the 'the passion', just an empty 
shell. It wasn't all fun, the competition on this campus was 
fierce, but I have too much self respect to ever compete for any 
man. Oddly enough that 'aloof' attitude of mine seemed to 
spurn Dale on even further, as he pursued me relentlessly. The 
less I acted interested (which I am very good at) the more he 
chased me. How odd, I guess I had learned to play the dating 
game without even realizing it.

The biggest downside to Dale? He played on The Duke 
Football Team....
Lord have mercy, I hate Football! Sooooooo boring!
And he was a member of a Fraternity, this is just horrible!

Yeah I know, my life is such a terrible tragedy someone warm 
up the violins for a sad melody.


**********


"Soccer?" Sharon repeated dumbfounded, "What about 
gymnastics? Where the fuck did Soccer come from?" she asked 
with concern, "So just like that they are going to let you be on 
the team? And what about your gymnastics!"

"In case you haven't noticed the past few years have been a lot 
tougher then you realize Sharon, I've grown taller and filled 
out. It's hard on my body and joints to perform all of those 
routines, I just can't keep up with those freaky little girls 
flipping and flying thru the air. I've become a burden to the 
team in so many words."

"We'll your just naturally muscular, maybe if you went on a 
strict diet to get thinner, did you think about that?" Sharon 
spoke as I watched her fork stab into the salad with new 
renewed irritation. Sharon was afraid she was loosing influence 
over me I suspect.

"A strict diet?" I almost spit my food out of my mouth, "I'm like 
five-foot-eleven as it is Sharon! I'm an Amazon compared to 
those girl's. Anyway I'm not going to torture myself with diets, 
it just won't work and as for getting on the Soccer Team, I'll 
have to wait for tryouts."

I could already tell Sharon had moved on to other topics, she 
was eating her salad in silence now with a 'knowing' smirk on 
her mouth.

"Okay, what now?" I sighed, I knew she was baiting me into 
something.

"So, tell me the juicy stuff about Dale, because my God he is 
'the catch' on Campus."

"Huh? He's the what?" I blurted out with my usual clueless 
expression. See what I mean, I have no idea what she is talking 
about, 'The Catch?' what does that even mean? Drama just 
seems to gravitate to me and I have no idea what I have gotten 
myself into.

"He is a really big deal on the Football Team, really Corbin, 
you don't know?" Sharon looked up at me.

"No, I don't really care about that stuff." I shrugged, "He 
seems really nice and we've been on a couple of dates." I kind 
of made that face of mine, like 'whatever'. I then felt a soft 
touch on my wrist from Sharon's right hand, it caught me off 
guard and I tensed for a second but then felt the muscles along 
my neck and back relax when I saw that disarmingly warm and 
gentle smile she sometimes gives me.

"Is he nice to you? And respectful? That's most important 
Corbin. I just want you to be happy." Sharon smiled again and 
my heart melted causing me to get all teary eyed. I really was 
liking Dale tremendously but I was too much of a big oaf, or 
goof, to know how to do all the lady-like things that he might 
like.

"Thank you Sharon," I felt my cheeks tremble and attacked my 
lunch again as a distraction, "I just might need your advice on 
some things."

"Anytime." Sharon sighed and rubbed my forearm before going 
back to her own lunch.

Dating Erik back in High School seemed easy all of the sudden. 
I felt in over my head now; Parties, studying, sports, 
socializing, bars, clubs, sororities, fraternities, dorms, finding an 
apartment with Sharon....my future....my future with 
Dale....everyone's future...

I miss Mom and Dad and the warm blanket of security they 
cloaked around me.


**********


"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is 
essential is invisible to the eye."

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery


