Celestial Reviews 20 - Sept 16, 1995

Note:  Although it should be obvious to you that I have fun with these 
reviews, I want to assure you that I do take them seriously.  I try to 
offer insights that will help readers select stories, that will help 
authors improve their stories, and that will help potential authors get 
started.  When I give a somewhat negative review, I try to write it in 
such a way that the author will (1) use it as a basis for self-
improvement and (2) enjoy reading the review itself.  We'll see about 
that!

- Celeste

      "Life's a Beach" by Sue (Sex on the beach) 4
      "The Ballad of Wrangler Jane" by Ann Douglas (Celebrity
            sex in the American west) 9
      "Me and My Daddyluv" by the Bear (Incest) 5
      "First Time's the Charm" by the Bear (Sex with very young
            girl) 6
      "Pleasuring Oneself" by: ^v^  ^v^ (Masturbation) 1
      "White Hands" by Deidre Ng (Miscellaneous fantasies & 
            sex) 8
      "Young Becky" by The Whole Nine Yards (sex with a really
            little girl) 8
      "Dream" by deirdre (athletic fantasy) 8
      "Hear" by deirdre (lesbian bondage) 10

"Life's a Beach" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com).  This story is not up to Sue's 
usual high standards.  I found it to be hard to focus on the sexual 
activity in this story - which was the only reason to be reading it - 
because I was distracted by details and by mistakes in logic and 
grammar.  Part of the problem is that the story is written in the first 
person.  ("I did this... You did that...." )  This is sometimes a 
useful style, but in this case I was confused by it.  For example, when 
I read at the beginning that the narrator was wearing a skimpy pink 
bikini  and her friend ("you") a skimpy black bikini, I assumed I was 
reading about two females.  As I continued with the story I envisioned 
one woman giving an erotic massage to another, but then several 
paragraphs later I came upon a reference to "shooting semen."  So I 
reread the earlier passage and concluded that nothing in the text 
actually ruled out the theory that the person in the black bikini might 
be a guy.  So I readjusted my thinking and continued reading the story 
as one about a heterosexual couple.  

My point is that in some cases, concealing the gender of the characters 
or springing a surprise like this may be an effective literary 
technique; but this is not one of those cases.  The whole idea of this 
story is to enable the reader to visualize erotic activities; and here 
I was over a fourth of the way through the story, before I suddenly 
realized I had the wrong picture.  I guess I would have had the correct 
picture if I had read Sue's earlier story about the same couple, or if 
I used my knowledge that Sue is in real life a really sexy blond 
bombshell; but I really think it is reasonable to expect a story to 
stand alone.  Likewise, I guess I could have inferred the gender of 
Black Bikini through references to "strong fingers and muscles" - but 
I've become so liberated lately that I assume that some female lovers 
have strong fingers and muscles. 

As another example of confusion, here's a passage from Part 2. {My 
comments are bracketed like this.}  "The cold water had shrunk your 
cock up much smaller that {= than} usual, and it stuck straight out 
from your crotch . This contrasted with your balls, which were filled 
with come {= cum} that had accumulated during your lotioning of my 
body. {This just isn't the way it works biologically.  I don't think 
Masters & Johnson or any other researchers have ever noted a detectable 
enlargement of the male scrotum that could be attributed to increased 
quantities of semen that accumulated during a single session of 
lovemaking.  Actually, this would be an optical illusion.  The balls 
would probably actually *shrink* from the cold; but they would appear 
larger in comparison to the penis, which would shrink much more rapidly 
(because that's what penises do - engorge and shrink, engorge and 
shrink, ad infinitum - or, I suppose, ad minimum).  The skin would be 
stretched tightly because the outer skin of the scrotum would shrink in 
response to cold much more rapidly than the inner contents of the 
scrotum, which would remain at a relatively constant temperature. } The 
skin of your balls was stretched tight and smooth over the swollen 
eggs. {I guess the balls are the "swollen eggs."  But, then, I've never 
seen an egg swell.} It looked somehow cherubic and beautiful. {Is "it" 
the skin?  I'm just having a hard time envisioning this.  I think of 
people as being cherubic, but skin?}

Actually, when I look at that passage with all my jargon thrown into 
it, Sue's original passage looks a lot better!  But I'm pretty sure all 
that technical stuff is true.  (I got an A on the sex chapter in 
college biology.  My husband only got a C; but that was before he met 
me and we studied engorgement and shrinking together.)

A final problem is that Sue doesn't handle the perspective very well.  
The overall format is similar to a letter to her boyfriend - Sue is 
reminiscing about what happened on the beach.  But she presents some of 
the details as if this were the first time he had heard about them.  
For example: "This was one of those beach chairs that has those 
flexible plastic strips running side to side, forming the seat."  The 
*reader* may need to know this, but the boyfriend would only need to be 
*reminded* of it.  Just changing the sentence structure would solve the 
problem.

Now that I've alienated Sue completely, I might as well add the 
clincher:  The guy "fucked her avaricious cunt."  Avaricious means 
greedy with a strong component of miserliness.  What kind of a cunt 
does this woman have?  My own cunt is often voracious, sometimes 
rapacious, but never avaricious.  However, the paper boy did refer to 
me as an avaricious cunt last year when I forgot to tip him.

(Note: It has come to my attention that there is at least one college 
composition course in the United States in which students are allowed 
to critique stories they find on the Internet.  Yes, the students 
called the teacher's bluff and brought in some a.s.s. stories; and yes, 
the teacher did permit them to do so.  He apparently treats these 
stories just like any other literature.  What a novel idea!  He 
apparently became suspicious when one of his students read his report 
to the class and referred to the D&s genre, but he pronounced it jen-
ray.  Now the professor reads these reviews to check for plagiarism.  
Anyhow, since some people are getting academic credit for reading this 
review, I would like to point out that the sentence "Celeste is an 
avaricious cunt" contains an example of metonymy.  It's a much more 
interesting example than "counting noses."  The sentence "Celeste is 
the goddess of a.s.s." contains either an accurate metaphor or a slight 
hyperbole.)

On the bright side, I think this is a great final paragraph for Sue's 
story: "I fell asleep wondering whether any of the other people on the 
beach would walk by during our nap. What would they have seen -- my 
cunt dripping semen down through the slats of the chair, onto your limp 
cock, which was coated with streaks of already-dry come -- or would 
they just have paid attention to the smug and satisfied smiles on our 
faces?"  Unfortunately, Sue has two paragraphs after this one.  {Am I a 
bitch today, or what?  I think I may convert to D&s tonight, since I'm 
already in the femdom mood.}

Sue is a much better writer than this.  I'll give her the same advice I 
have given other writers.  She should read Sue's "Craftsmanship" and 
imitate that author's excellent style.

The only reason to download this story is so that you'll have a 
complete collection of Sue's works.  It's kinda like "Little Dorrit," 
which would be completely worthless if it weren't written by the same 
guy who wrote "David Copperfield" and "Oliver Twist."  (I know a great 
honeymoon joke about Oliver Twist, but I don't want to digress.)  But 
anybody that threw away their original of "Little Dorrit" would rue the 
day he or she did so.

I have enjoyed Sue's stories so much in the past that I feel compelled 
to add an additional paragraph here.  Sue numbers her stories.  This 
was Sue's 8th.  "Louvre Love" was her 5th.  She's now on her 21st; so 
this is an old story.  According to my ratings, this story marked the 
end of the blue (weak) period of Sue's writing career.  Her next story 
was "Slippery When Wet" - a 10.  In fact, I have reviewed 7 stories 
written since this one, and the only non-10 was "Adventureland," which 
received a rating of 8.  Assuming my ratings are valid, this is an 
astonishing rate of improvement.  

Finally, I would like to tell Sue what I think she should do with this 
story. <pause for effect>  Instead of reposting it and some of her 
older stories, she should either hide them or *revise* them.  It is my 
opinion that too few authors revise their stories; they seem to think 
that once they've posted a story it's written in stone. (Note the trite 
but pithy metaphor.)  Not so!  Among examples that I can think of, the 
Ng sisters have posted revised stories that have shown considerable 
maturation of their skills in the revisions.  Likewise, Backrub has 
revised not only his own stories but occasionally those of other 
writers; and the improvements have been substantial.  In addition, the 
With Sue stories (e.g., "Lab Partners" and "On the Catty Corner") have 
almost invariably been excellent - largely, I think, because they go 
through a process of substantial revision.  If a writer would go to the 
trouble of copyrighting a story and publishing it in hardback or 
paperback with a regular publisher, I could understand the reluctance 
to change it.  But one of the advantages of electronic publication is 
that it's so easy to make changes.  If I ever see this story posted 
again, I'd like to see it posted as "Sue's 8th Life's a Beach 2.0."  
The 2.0 would connote radical changes.

To prove what an excellent critic I am, I suggest that we all read 
Sue's next story.  If it's another 10 (which is very likely), we'll 
assume that the "improvement" resulted from my critique.  (Rating: 4)

"The Ballad of Wrangler Jane" by Ann Douglas (an309642@anon.penet.fi).  
This story is a parody of the F Troop television series that appears 
regularly in syndication on American cable television.  There's really 
not a lot of sex in the story; the first two thirds are devoted to 
build-up and making the characters compatible with the original series.  
I have never in my life watched an entire episode of F Troop, so I 
don't know how well the story works as a parody.  Assuming the author's 
characterizations fit, this is a pretty good story of the female 
heroine making love to an Indian princess.  (Rating: 9)

"Me and My Daddyluv" by the Bear (al-bear@ix.netcom.com).  This is a 
story about a 15-year-old daughter whose parents divorce.  She has 
sexual relations with her father to make him feel better and eventually 
becomes his regular sexual companion.  The story is realistic in the 
sense that it gives a clear presentation of ideas and feelings that are 
likely to occur in the mind of a simple-minded girl who has been raised 
in an extremely dysfunctional family.  The girl is so simple minded 
that she thinks it would be a great idea to have a baby with daddyluv 
as soon as she turns 25 or so (as if genetic problems clear up at that 
age!).  We know that the family is seriously dysfunctional because we 
have a mother who was sleeping around with a lover in front of her 
child and a father who could think of nothing better to do than accept 
his daughter's misguided sexual advances.  That's two strikes against 
the little girl right there.  The story came across to me as short but 
sad.  I would have liked a little more information about the father.  
As it is, he just comes across as a moron who can't stay out of his 
daughter's pants - if she happens to be wearing any.  (Rating: 5)

"First Time's the Charm" by the Bear (al-bear@ix.netcom.com).  The Bear 
likes to write stories about sexual relationships between partners with 
wide age discrepancies.  His "Kate and Me" was a beautiful story about 
a middle-aged man who fell in love with a teenage girl.  Although that 
story had plenty of hot sex, the relationship originated when neither 
the man nor the woman was looking for sex; they became friends and then 
fell in love.  The present story relates the sexual experiences of a 
26-year-old man with a 13-year-old girl.  The first time they meet, she 
squeezes past him in a doorway and rubs her body sexually against his.  
That night he feels her up on her front porch until her mother calls 
her inside.  The next morning they get together for a shower and then 
fuck their brains out.  My point is, there is a huge difference in the 
types of relationships described in these two stories.  Both stories 
are believable, but "Kate and Me" was much better written.  There was 
moral ambivalence and tension in both stories, but in this one my 
dominant reaction was that the guy should get his act together and the 
girl should get a personality.  (Rating: 6)

Pleasuring Oneself by:  ^v^  ^v^ (jason@iglou.com).  The author of this 
story has in his mind an exciting image of a woman masturbating.  His 
goal in writing the story is to enable readers who do not already have 
that image to share his feelings and emotions.  The story doesn't 
accomplish that goal at all, primarily because the author follows few 
of the rules of expression in the English language.  The author 
constantly changes verb tenses, he runs sentences together that should 
stand alone, and he uses mere fragments of sentences where he should 
have whole sentences.  English teachers are not the only persons who 
get annoyed at this; ordinary readers are likely to simply find 
something that's easier to read.

Here's an example of one of the writer's better passages.  {My comments 
are in brackets, like this.}  "She pulls herself over the bed, the 
silky soft sheets creasing her buttocks and thighs at {= as} she scoots 
back and rests her head on the pillow, looking up for a moment and 
seeing the wet juices in a small pile at the edge of the bed really 
gets her going.  {This is two sentences spliced into one, and the 
reader will be upset at not knowing where he is supposed to stop one 
thought and start the next.  In addition, the reader is likely to 
wonder what juices look like when they are "in a small pile at the edge 
of the bed."  I've never seen this happen!}

In addition, the author should have a plot that goes somewhere.  I 
don't want to alienate or poke fun at this writer.  I think it is 
commendable that he wants to get feedback and become a better writer.  
His basic problem is that he has an image in his mind that excites him, 
and he is failing to communicate that image to his readers.  I wish him 
luck in the future.  (Rating: 1)

"White Hands" by Deidre Ng.  This is another one of Deidre's long, 
rambling, but enthralling letters to her lascivious sister Tammy.  
There's no real plot, just a collection of sexy anecdotes that are 
integrated in a clever way. Deidre does two things especially well in 
this story.  First, she draws parallels between adolescent fantasies 
and adult activities.  Secondly, she blends together conversations 
about sex within other conversations about sex.  For example, Deidre 
tells Tammy a story that reminds her of someone else telling her a 
story that eventually leads to someone doing something else that's 
worth talking about.  This is an interesting technique - it's sort of 
like having a sexual fantasy about having sexual intercourse while 
having a sexual fantasy about sexual intercourse.  (Oh no!  This is 
beginning to sound like that recurring dream within a dream within a 
dream nightmare that of mine.)

The most significant event in the story is a description of two couples 
making love to their own spouses in the same hotel room.  Casual 
looking was allowed but no spouse swapping, and neither couple was hung 
up on watching or being watched.  Other than that they didn't make any 
rules.  This is a pretty hot idea that Tammy carries off well.

A problem with the story is that it seems a little rushed and 
disorganized - as if she failed to give it a final proofreading that 
would have cleared up some errors - possibly because she was finger 
fucking herself while she wrote it, since her boyfriend was out of town 
for three weeks.  For example, Deidre had this neat idea cited above 
about fucking on a double date, but then she used almost the identical 
words twice in consecutive paragraphs to describe similar episodes.  It 
seems to me that Deidre had a good idea, wrote it out, thought of a 
better idea, wrote it out, and forgot to delete the original idea -- 
possibly because she was finger fucking herself while she wrote it, 
since her boyfriend was out of town for three weeks.  Holy cumshot!  
This is contagious!  (Rating: 8)

"Young Becky" by The Whole Nine Yards.  This is a rather long story 
about a 17-year-old boy having sex with his best friend's cute 9-year-
old sister.  The action flows smoothly.  If I set aside all my 
emotional reactions about what kind of asshole would fuck a cute little 
girl, I have to admit that I can understand how a 17-year-old could 
have fun fantasizing about something like this, especially if he had 
trouble getting along with more mature adolescents in his real social 
life.  In real life, Mike would be considered a pervert; but in the 
world of a.s.s. fantasy he's no more abnormal than a kid who enjoys 
sucking his own cock or making it with his pet iguana.  In the back of 
my mind, I can't help thinking that some kid might try this with an 
innocent little girl in real life; but I suppose there's an excellent 
chance that he would be discovered and either get professional help or 
be severely punished.  Lest there be any doubt, my rating indicates 
that this story is well written - not that I recommend engaging in this 
kind of fantasy. (Rating: 8)

"Dream" by deirdre.  This is an extremely short short story about a 
woman fantasizing about the woman her husband would fantasize about and 
then fantasizing about her.  That sentence actually makes sense, if you 
read the story.  The story is short but clever. (Rating: 8)

"Hear" by deirdre.  Deirdre is the Sherwood Anderson of a.s.s.  She 
must have about a thousand of these simple but unusual stories with 
one-word titles, and someone has started reposting them again.  Her 
stories are a wonderful combination of the normal and the weird.  In 
this one, she relates the story of a young college woman who "thinks 
she might like to try a lesbian relationship."  Weird. Nice. (Rating: 
10)
