Celestial Reviews 193 - June 25, 1997

Note: I am being overwhelmed by potentially good stories that need to be 
reviewed in Celestial Reviews.  I simply cannot increase my pace, and 
numerous good stories are in danger of going unreviewed.  For this 
reason I have experimented with Guest Reviewers.  It appears to me that 
this experiment has been successful, and I plan to continue posting 
these guest reviews.

These reviewers have their own unique styles.  If they assign a rating 
(or set of ratings), I'll post them just as I do my own.  If it seems 
sensible for me to interact with the reviewers or to comment on their 
reviews, I'll do so.

It has been difficult for me to decide how to assign authorship for 
these reviews.  Most of the reviewers are persons who have submitted 
stories of their own to this group.  For the following reasons it seems 
UNdesirable for the reviewers to use the same names that they use when 
they post their own stories:

(1)  A reviewer might feel uncomfortable if he/she wanted to say 
something critical about an author that has said nice things about that 
reviewer's work.  This could cause the critiques to degenerate into the 
exchange of superficial, reciprocal compliments - more commonly known as 
ass kissing.

(2)  A reviewer might enunciate a standard and feel bound to that 
standard for ever after.  The standard itself may not be a bad idea, but 
this would probably limit creative efforts by many authors.

For this reason, I have decided to simply label these occasional efforts 
as "Guest Reviews" without attaching a name UNLESS the reviewer agrees 
to use an alternate pseudonym or explicitly insists on using his/her 
usual author's name.  I would PREFER that reviewers use an alternate 
synonym, because this will enable readers of CR to look for occasional 
reviews by specific authors.  For example, one author whose work would 
be familiar to you has already posted two reviews under the name Piper.  

From now on guest reviews will be labeled generically, unless the 
reviewers give me specific instructions to use another name. Alternate 
pseudonyms currently available include Deep Throat, Ariadne, Sherry 
McGuire, Randi Sandi, Emily Dickinson, LemonLime, Jacques O'Conlon, Ruby 
Redress, Titmouse, Knight4Fun, Woodie WouldPecker, Beanie Baby, and 
Lyin' King.  Actually, I have discovered that I have no authority 
whatsoever, and I have had to change this policy twice since I devised 
it.  It sounds like these guest reviews are being written by American 
teenagers! 

Again, I appreciate this assistance; and if I call on you, I hope you'll 
consider writing a review.

Third note: One of the readers of this newsgroup who has connections 
with major publishers has seen my Celestial Grammar and has suggested 
that I publish a book of grammar for college students and adults who 
want to write more clearly.  This reader seems to think that a book 
entitled something like "The Sexual Pervert's Guide to Grammar" might 
catch on in college bookstores and places like that.  As many of you 
have noticed, my informal approach based on sexual examples and innuendo 
can be more interesting than what you find in traditional textbooks.  I 
have decided to give it a try.  

As part of this project I am going to repost my Celestial Grammar and 
Advanced Celestial Grammar.  I am also going to resume my practice of 
inserting Grammar Tips at the end of most issues of Celestial Reviews.  
If any of you have advice for me about my Tips and Guidelines or if you 
have grammar questions that you think I should address, please e-mail 
me.

Incidentally, I will personally receive no profits from this project.  I 
am giving all my royalties to a major tax-exempt organization whose work 
I admire.  I am refraining from specifying the name of that organization 
in order to avoid embarrassing it.  {I can see the headlines now: "XXX 
Receives Support from Smut Goddess!"} Likewise, I'll be careful to avoid 
improperly citing or embarrassing anyone on this newsgroup.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Buying Panties" by EricProfsr (panties fetish) 10, 8, 6
      "Meri" by Taliesin (stripper sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Sucker" by BronwenSM (emerging adolescence & humor)
            10, 10, 10
      "My Vacation" by Mad Dog (spouse sharing) 9.5, 9.5, 10
      "Forgiven" by Uther Pendragon (pregnant sex) 10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews:

      "Longing" by kollontai (phone sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Through the Looking Glass" by Taria (superhero sex) 10, 9, 8
      "Sometimes a Carnation is just a Carnation" by Dominick A.
            Miserandino (relationships) 8, 9, 9

    * "Taking Chances" by Javahead (threesome with wife
            watching) 10, 10, 10
    * "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (fantasy plus live sex) 
            10, 10, 10
    * "A Weekend on the Island" by WithSue (hot orgy) 
           10, 10, 10

    * = Repost of a previous review (because the story has 
      recently been reposted). 

"Buying Panties" by EricProfsr (ericprofsr@aol.com).  This is one of 
those "true" stories like the ones you find in Penthouse Forum.  The man 
gets the hots for the sales clerk at Frederick's and he asks her to help 
him pick out a pair of panties.  She jerks him off with a pair and as a 
bonus gives him hers, which have become soaked during their playful 
activities. It's not much, but it's better than being lonely, I suppose.

Ratings for "Buying Panties"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"Meri" by Taliesin.  Apparently each issue of the Prosex Journal 
(prosex@paganpleasures.com) consists of a serialized story plus several 
announcements.  This story begins in the premier issue and continues in 
subsequent issues.  The story is a hot one.  It's about Meredith Joy 
Dallas, a nympho stripper who puts her whole body and personality into 
each of her presentations.  An especially interesting feature of the 
first installment is the game Meri plays with a client: he gives her 
some money, which she inserts into her vagina, and then he is offered 
ten times that amount if he can reclaim the money without using his 
hands.  The story is incomplete, 
but that's because it's a cliffhanger: the author wants me to come back 
for more next issue.

This story is frankly an advertisement, but it doesn't annoy me as does 
typical spam.  A group called Pagan Pleasures runs a website at  
http://www.paganpleasures.com, where they sell sexy stories, pictures, 
videos, live shows, and other pagan pleasures.  The information at the 
end of the story tells you how to subscribe for free to the Prosex 
Journal.  My assumption is that you'll find yourself bombarded with 
advertisements as soon as you add your name to this list.  This is a 
well written, sexy story.  You'll have to decide for yourself whether 
it's worth the hassle of dealing with the advances of seductive people 
competing for your disposable income.  My own experience is that there 
are plenty of equally good stories already available for free on a.s.s. 
and a.s.s.m. with no strings attached.

Ratings for "Meri"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Sucker" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@cuckoo.clara.net).  Live and learn, 
that's what I always say. I've spent my life on this side of the pond.  
I always thought the British were much like the rest of us.  I read 
Shakespeare, of course, but I always figured he's been dead for nearly a 
hundred years now, and I figured the British didn't really talk that 
way.  I have always been pretty sure that the people of the UK really 
liked us over here in the colonies, because after all the American 
Revolution was really a fight between a group of British subjects and a 
German King - the Germans, don't get me off on them or I'll never get 
back to this review.  I figured MAYBE the British talked in iambic 
pentameter and expressed their love in sonnets and could actually 
understand what John Milton was talking about and sang "Singing in the 
Rain" on those occasions when they raped somebody.  But even though I 
often wondered how they got along with almost no real television and why 
all the good musicians left the country as soon as they grew up, I knew 
that deep down they were ordinary blokes, although I wasn't really sure 
whether it was proper to refer to a female Brit as a bloke.  

I could go on, but the point is that along came BronwenSM, who has two 
capital letters at the end of her name.  So right away I knew that I was 
going to learn things about my confreres from the Mother Country.

Anyway, this is a story about a 16-year-old girl {that would probably be 
17 in ordinary years, eh Mate?} who was formerly what we Americans call 
a plain Jane.  While she's laid up {no sexual connotation, even in 
England} with glandular fever, her body goes through what American talk 
shows {BBC Channel 2} sometimes call adolescent metamorphosis.  In 
short, she comes back a babe - a young femme fatale, one might say - 
after spending some time convalescing at huge tatty mansion on a cliff 
with a private beach of Aunt Dolly in Wales.  Or, as a more astute 
British author might put it, during her hiatus she had gone from the 
plainly porcine to lithe and lascivious loveliness. When she returned to 
school, her impact on society was emphatic if not traumatic. Great gangs 
of men on building sites shrieked at her like gibbons, old men slipped 
off their Zimmer frames when she went into the post office, and her 
terrifying chemistry master went red all the way up his neck whenever he 
looked at her and then left a really embarrassing poem in my pigeon 
hole.

So when this bloke she fancied asked her to go swimming with him, she 
nearly dropped down dead with delight.  See what I mean?  American 
teenagers would simply cum in their panties, which doesn't even 
alliterate, as if they would know what that means!  Way gone, dude!  I 
think I'm going to give up trying to imitate the British style in this 
subtle manner and simply get on with it.  After all, I have viewed the 
dismal situation and it is ours, as the Great British Poet once said.

The boyfriend's name is Oliver, which is sometimes another name for John 
Thomas (or, in America, Johnson or more informally Dick), and so this 
reminds me of another story that I heard back in the 70's.  A man and a 
woman went on their honeymoon - in Wales, I think.  After several hours 
of what the man considered to be a most excellent First Night Experience 
with his virgin bride, she went to the bathroom - I forget what the 
British call it - you know, the crapper.  Anyway, the man looks over the 
newspaper for something to do the next day, and he comes across an 
interesting movie.  So he shouts, "Would you like to see "Oliver Twist," 
Luv?"  The wife replies, "You do one more trick with that bloody thing, 
and I'm going home to my Mum."  {By Jove, I think I got it!}

Anyway, Oliver develops an infirmity (the blood suddenly rushes to his 
thing), and the young lady has to give him first aid.  She quickly 
becomes so good at first aid that the boys are pretty much lining up to 
be serviced.  

This is an excellent story - both sexy and humorous.

Before I end this review, I'd like to say just one more thing about 
British speech, which gets especially awkward when they ride bicycles.  
For example, I picked up this anecdote on another newsgroup: 

I was walking down the street with my wife the other day when we saw our 
neighbor (a very genial Jamaican bloke) riding by on his bike. Suddenly 
the bike flips and our poor neighbor finds himself spread eagled on the 
pavement.

My wife immediately said: "That black bloke's bike's back brake block 
broke."

British people can actually SAY things like that!  Just imagine if the 
Jamaican bloke would have been a bleached blond!

Ratings for "Sucker"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"My Vacation" by Mad Dog (Red Dragon Repost).  The narrator got his 
girlfriend pregnant during high school and "had" to marry her.  When 
Julie subsequently miscarried, her family persuaded him to stay with the 
marriage and gave him an excellent job upon graduation.  Life was good, 
except that there was simply no real romance in their marriage.  I once 
read about something like this happening in real life!

Cousin Bill is a rich guy with a 12-inch cock and insight.  He realizes 
that what Julie needs is to loosen up.  So when they visit him at his 
mansion, Bill fucks Julie every which way he can.  Sure enough, she 
become a hot and loving wife, and they live happily ever after.

This is a sexy story. It combines two realities - the real reality of 
what often happens to high school kids who get pressured into a 
premature marriage and the wife watcher's reality that insists that it's 
really fun to watch a spouse get boinked and that most weak sexual 
relationships can be improved by bringing other people into them.  
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure the first reality is more really real 
than the second; but this is still a very good story.

Ratings for "My Vacation"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Forgiven" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  During my first 
pregnancy my husband and I concluded that it was important that our 
future offspring know that mommy and daddy liked each other.  During the 
later part of that pregnancy my conscience told me that maybe it wasn't 
really good for the baby for mommy and daddy to fuck quite as often and 
as vigorously as they had in past months.  So I asked my gynecologist, 
and he put my feet into the stirrups and had his sexy little nurse sit 
on my face while he.... No that's a different story.  Actually, he said 
sex was fine as long as I enjoyed it and as long as my husband got out 
of the way when he delivered the baby.

Bob and Jeanette may have had a kindred doctor.  They are in the family 
way now, and Jeanette's cunt tastes richer than in months past. Is this 
because of her recent orgasm, the pregnancy, or his overactive 
imagination.  I dunno - I would suggest further experimentation to 
verify a hypothesis here.  These people certainly get along nicely!  I 
think maybe we should have a baby shower for Jeanette!

Ratings for "Forgiven"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

The following is a Guest Review by Mark Aster, who frequently 
contributes stories to this newsgroup.

"Longing" by kollontai (amadora@hotmail.com).  Kollontai (who posts as 
"La Amadora", and has email addresses as both "kollontai" and "amadora") 
is a newcomer to a.s.s.*, but her first three stories show a great deal 
of promise.  The first two, short-shorts called "Taken" and "The Orgy", 
are intense surreal pieces (see Celestial Reviews 191).  Her latest 
posting, "Longing", is much more realistic, and quite effective.

I've never had a really long-term long-distance relationship, but I do 
remember some pretty hot cross-town phone calls as a teenager.  This was 
phone-petting rather than phone-sex, but it was memorable, and 
kollontai's story effectively brings back those memories.  The narrator 
(in New Jersey) is talking to her lover (in Massachusetts) on the 
telephone, and missing each other and longing for each other they quite 
convincingly make love through that little wire.  If MIT proves too much 
for him, this boy has a real future in phone sex!  (He may actually be a 
bit TOO good at it; I did once or twice suspect that we were going to 
have a surprise ending where it turned out he was a professional phone-
fantasy operator.  A real amateur lover might not be quite as perfectly-
spoken in this situation; but the author makes it easy to suspend 
disbelief here.)

Despite some problems with "lie" and "lay", and using "cum" as a verb (a 
pet hate of mine), kollontai has given us a hot sexy romantic story.  
People in long-distance relationships should study it carefully!  <grin>

Ratings for "Longing" (Added by Celeste)
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

The following is a Guest Review by Fiddler, who is a frequent author of 
stories on this newsgroup under a different name:

"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria (taria29c@aol.com). This is two 
stories with a frame.  The frame is a broad parody of comic-book super 
heroes which provides the explanation that several parallel universes 
are in danger of coming together.  The universes are nearly identical 
and include individual persons who are identical except that they are of 
opposite sex.  (How that squares with *many* universes is not 
explained.)  
     In one apartment, the couple wake up in bed with another couple who 
are their twins except for the matter of sex.  In another apartment, a 
famous actor meets his famous-actress dual.  A good time is had by all.  
Then the scientist allied with the super heroes finishes the machine 
which keeps the universes apart, and all the duals disappear.
     This reviewer would have preferred the stories separate.  The 
potpourri was enjoyable enough, however, if no "Art Appreciation."

Athena:   10
Venus:     9
Fiddler:    8

The following is a Guest Review by Topaz, who is a frequent author of 
stories on this newsgroup under a different name:

"Sometimes a Carnation is just a Carnation" by Dominick A. Miserandino 
(cafe@abest.com). I remember a long-ago "Sesame Street" vignette that 
featured Ernie on his way to borrow a vacuum cleaner from his good buddy 
Bert.  On his way to see Bert (odd, considering that the two have been 
roomies for as long as anyone can recall), Ernie began to contemplate 
the possibility that Bert would turn him down.  As he got closer and 
closer to Bert's door, Ernie got grumpier and grumpier, and began to 
mutter out loud.  "So, THAT's the way it is, hmm?  How selfish can a guy 
get?"  Of course, as soon as Bert opened his door Ernie blew up, yelled 
"I don't care--you can just keep your stupid vacuum cleaner anyway!!!" 
and stalked off, leaving Bert with a "what the hey--?" sort of 
expression on his face.

I have long wondered exactly what it is that provokes these irrational 
"guy" outbursts that blow up out of nowhere like a Kansas tornado, hit 
with full fury, and then vanish with nary a trace except, perhaps, for 
mild sheepishness.  Since I can't smirk knowingly and utter a terse and 
snarky "Hmph.  Must be PMS," I have been at a loss to explain the 
phenomenon.  But Dominick Miserandino's "Carnation" gives me the answer, 
and it just feels so right: Demons.  Tough, BROOK-lyn talkin', macho 
internal Demons named Guido.  I suspected as much, but it's nice to have 
proof.

The story itself is straightforward and awfully familiar to anyone who's 
ever had what the author terms "a committed relationship" (not a phrase 
Guido would choose).  Man brings Significant Other to another man's 
house for a quick errand, finds a not-too-well-hidden flower stashed by 
said Other in car, puts two and two together to make three, has one of 
those "Ernie/Bert" conversations with Guido while she's inside, and 
melts down when she gets back.  It's a distinctly *non*-pornographic 
story: no man/woman/demon threesomes, no lesbian affairs with female 
boss, no "screw Robert while I watch from the car."  Overall it wouldn't 
merit even a "PG-13," let alone an "NC-17" like most a.s.s. stories.  
But it's generally well-written (if a little overdone at points), honest 
as hell, and, frankly, it made me smile.

Not a one-handed story, but it does engage the left side of the brain 
more than most of what you download from here.

Ratings for "Sometimes a Carnation is just a Carnation"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Topaz (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Taking Chances" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi).  I came 
across this story in the THC archives under the enticing title 
"Guy Shares His Wife with a Friend."  That title summarizes the 
story all right, but it leaves out the nuances that make the story 
interesting.

When his wife asks him to tell her a sexy story while they make 
love, the man's suggestions reveal to her that their fantasies 
overlap: he would like to see her being fucked by another man, and 
she would like to make love to another man while her husband 
watched.  These are not ordinary swingers.  At first they are 
stymied when they try to bring their mutual fantasy to 
realization; but then Rich, an old college friend of the husband 
who is obviously attracted to the wife, comes for a visit.  They 
perform sex in a variety of wonderful ways; then Rich goes home 
and they all live happily ever after.

This is a very good story.  The author employs a refreshing blend 
of informality and literacy to tell a really hot story.  Although 
I found this plot to be extremely erotic and enjoyable, I would 
not want to do these things in my actual life - even if I could be 
assured of avoiding diseases.  The way I value sex in my 
relationship with my husband, it simply does not make sense to 
involve a third person.  Our relationship is necessarily 
possessive and exclusive, and I cannot imagine that working with a 
third party - who might accidentally become more involved with me 
(for example) than we had planned - or vice versa.  Maybe some of 
you are stronger emotionally than my husband and I are or maybe 
you have a different kind of relationship with your spouse; and in 
that case this story may represent an ideal for you.  For my part, 
I think there are some things that are fun to think about but just 
aren't worth doing in real life.  

I have on several occasions made love to my husband in the same 
general area - even adjacent beds - where another couple was 
making love; but we employed a hands-off policy with regard to the 
other spouses.  This was wonderful.  I have also watched others 
making love while my husband fondled and even made love to me. 
This was wonderful.  But if we were to involve the others in our 
own lovemaking, we would be running the risk of hurting someone, 
and that might not be so wonderful.

That's one of the reasons I like these stories on a.s.s.  I can 
read and enjoy these stories and fantasize about them and even act 
them out with my husband.  There's no risk that anyone will be 
hurt.  On the other hand, if I were to hit the chat lines and 
present myself falsely to someone else, then there would be a 
chance that something would develop that would hurt me, that 
person, our spouses, or our children.  It's not worth the risk.

I don't mean to give a moral lecture or to try to talk anyone out 
of chat lines, cybersex, threesomes, or anything else.  We all 
have to figure out what's right and good for ourselves.  I'm just 
singing the praises of stories like this one.  They offer a low-
risk environment for enriching our own lives.

When I first opened this story, I thought "I've read this story 
before!"; but a quick check of my database revealed that I had 
reviewed five stories by this author (none with a rating below 9, 
incidentally); but none with the word "Chances" in the title.  But 
I KNEW I had read the story.  As I looked at the first line - 
"Tell me a story...." - I assumed that the husband would tell the 
wife a really sexy story that would lead to really sexy sex that 
kind of mixed in with the really sexy sex in the really sexy 
story.  That wasn't quite accurate for the present story.  To make 
my own long story short, I checked all five of the Javahead 
stories, and none of them matched the present story.  Then I tried 
popping "Tell Me a Story" into my database.  Voila!  A match!  I 
had the culprit.  But no, "Tell Me a Story" was written by Smoot2.  
It had a similar story line; but it was clearly a distinct story.  
In fact it was rated number 30 on my list of the Top Hundred 
Stories of 1995.  Although Smoot2 may have been influenced by 
Javahead, these were two separate creative endeavors, not 
duplication or plagiarism.  I'm taking the opportunity to repost 
the review of the Smoot2 story (since I have just reread it).  
Maybe Smoot2 will repost it for us.

Ratings for "Taking Chances"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (smoot2@ix.netcom.com).  After a 
session of good sex, a woman asks her lover to tell her a story.  
He responds with an erotic tale.  While she listens, she brings 
him and herself to an even better orgasm.  Ummm!    Tell me 
another story!  I could handle about 1001 Nights of This.

This story is by the author of "Lyrical Fantasy," which I reviewed 
in CR 27.  That story, I said, was a good story that was ruined by 
faulty proofreading and bad formatting.  I added that if this 
author ironed the kinks out of his writing, his work would be in a 
class with the writings of Deidre and Tammy Ng - which is a pretty 
good class.  See!  I was right!  This is a wonderful story.

I would like to take credit for this improvement, but unless 
smoot2 and I did some time traveling or mental telepathy, he did 
this on his own.  However, my point is still valid: the main 
difference between this story and the author's previous attempt is 
that this one is presented better.  It's not that the author's 
exceptional creativity is unimportant - it's just that by cleaning 
up his final draft of this story he lets us see what he really has 
to say.  With "Lyrical Fantasy" I was constantly distracted by the 
way the story was presented to me; in this story there still were 
grammar mistakes, but I skipped right past them and was distracted 
only by a warm, moist feeling in my pussy.  I like this kind of 
distraction much better.

Ratings for "Tell Me a Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "A Weekend on the Island" by Anonymous (suenh@kear.tdsnet.com).  
This was recently reposted by someone else as simply "On the 
Island."  Sue has certainly become popular on alt.sex.stories 
lately.  In addition to starring in the previous story and this 
one, she has reposted several of her own stories in the past few 
weeks; and she was the central figure in my own "Virtuous 
Reality."  The present story is written in the form of a letter to 
a minister from his wife, who has been spending the weekend on an 
island with the assistant pastor and Sue and her boyfriend.  I 
guess you could say that Sue was doing some missionary work, 
although she was rarely in that position.  This story contains a 
lot of really hot sex between and among the various characters.  
The most serious problem I encountered was that at one point Ross 
was staring at Sue with his eyes closed.  I think that would be 
hard to do; but with Sue all things are possible.  Since this is a 
partially religious tract, I suppose it is appropriate to conclude 
with a partially religious question.  Is it more blessed for the 
pastor's wife to give or to receive head from the assistant pastor 
while traveling at 65 m.p.h. on the expressway on the way home 
from the island?

Ratings for "A Weekend on the Island"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


