Celestial Reviews 324 - April 18, 1999

Note: What do eating pussy and dealing with the Mafia have in common?
-One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Second note: How many erotic story writers does it take to change a light bulb?
- {Send me your answers. Or post them on a.s.s.d. There has to be a good answer
to this question.}

Third note: Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when
Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. 

"Blimey," Ed said; "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted said.

"All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said.

"Well what's yours like?" Ted said.

"Well straight like normal," Ed said.

"I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours," Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down
prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Ted said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."

"Shit," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing

Fourth note: As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long
life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes
for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

Poof: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

Poof: The Fairy Godmother tuned the old woman into an exquisite young princess
with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse
woof. 

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

Poof: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful
princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely
smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. 

The prince bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered,  "I'll
bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Fifth note: There has been some discussion on a.s.s.d. about the plurals of
"clitoris" and "penis."  I did a thorough study of these words about two years
ago, and I found that the normal plural is formed in both cases by simply
adding -es to the singular.  {When you "can't find" a plural in a dictionary,
that almost always means that the plural is formed by adding -s or -es.}
Although the Latin plural "penes" and the Greek plural "clitorides" do appear
in most dictionaries, these forms are used only in medical discussions. 

However, since clitorides is a really neat word, I am hereby proclaiming a
Poetry Contest.  The rule is to write a poem using both plurals of "clitoris"
in the rhyme scheme of the same poem. If you want, you can through in penises
and penes as well, or you can insert a singular penis or play with a singular
clitoris. It is not necessary to restrict usage to medical or non-medical
contexts. The following example can serve as my ownentry:

Mary had a lovely clit;
Dolores had one too.
Charlie didn't have a clit;
So he borrowed theirs to screw.

It wasn't even very hard
To work with two clitorises.
Charlie would nibble Mary's clit,
While she would eat Dolores's.

Charlie liked his work a lot;
He enjoyed their two clitorides.
So they invited Beth and Deb:
"Here, Charlie, have two more of these!"

Post your entries directly to a.s.s.d. So that I'll find them, label your
entries {a.s.s.d.} Poetic Clitorides. If you want to make sure I see your
entry, send me a copy.

Sixth note: When I have free time, I read the regular media. For those of you
who are interested, Salon Magazine has an excellent article by Susie Bright at
http://www.salon1999.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/04/17/pornstart1/index.html.

The piece is about a friend of hers who is going to make his first "amateur"
porn flick. You'll be pleased to know that the author misspells "discreet" but
doesn't even venture into the world of areolas.

If any of you see good articles in the regular media that you want me to
mention here, please drop me a line.

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"How to Write a Sex Story" by Artie (humor) 9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=461506782

"St. Muffins" by Jimmy Hat (surveillance sex) 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=464566369
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=464566366
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=464566363

"Kathy on the Rocks" by Colin (outdoor stroke story) 7, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465388437

"The Virtues of Infidelity" by MichaelD (wife slut story) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=????????? (nowhere to be found)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465674024
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465674032
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465674038

"The Winter Lake" by TMC (older woman & younger man) 10, 9.5, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466034228

"To the Victor" by Shon Richards (bowling for sex) 8, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466028998

"The Library " by Please Play with Me (seduction in library) 8, 6, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466076695

"History 101" by Amberle of the Three Rivers (student sex 
      with teacher) 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465254588

"The Ride" by Three (sex on the road) 9, 8, 8

"The Studebaker" by Desdmona (sex & hot car) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466333121

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"Pollywanna" by Losgud (fraternal sex). Owl: 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=411128796

"Internet" by Cindy (Internet sex). Echo: 7, 8/5, 4

"Too Hot to Handle" by Joanna (switcheroo sex). Homer: 10, 9, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=459280414

"The Lagoon" by Rosa (outdoor sex). Nick: 8, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446008887

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "Beach Balls" by Artie (delightful romance) 10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327659966

=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================

"How to Write a Sex Story" by Artie (artie@netgate.net) 9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=461506782

Artie has written several good sex stories. I'll repost the review of my
favorite (Beach Balls) later in this issue. In this little essay he gives away
his secret - he just comes right out and tells us how to write stories that are
as good as his.

This is a delightful little tract, using as an example the familiar plot of the
guy coming home from work, fucking the dog, and then going in to romance his
slut wife, while they listen to their daughter have passionate sex on the pool
table in an adjacent room. If you're not familiar with that story, you can
follow Artie's directions and write it yourself.

Actually, Artie is kidding here. Anyone can tell by reading his stories that he
doesn't use this simplistic formula to write his stories any more than John
Milton plagiarized "Paradise Lost" from the bible and a few Greek fairy tales.
In truth, Artie does vast amounts of research, sweating out the details, living
the lives of his characters, sharing their thoughts, inviting blondes to his
garret to see his etchings and to remove the e from the end of their name,
eliminating or adding extra spaces after his punctuation marks, studying the
almost impalpable differences in ways that poodles give head compared to pit
bulls.... "A reader reads from sun to sun, but a writer's work is never done."

Ratings for "How to Write a Sex Story"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

==================

"St. Muffins" by Jimmy Hat (jimmy@jimmy-hat.com ).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=464566369
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=464566366
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=464566363

With most stories you get an idea what a story is about by looking at the
title. For example, "Dr. Zhivago" is about Dr. Zhivago, "Finding Private Ryan"
is about finding Private Ryan, "Paradise Lost" is about paradise being lost,
and "How to Write a Sex Story" is about how to write a sex story. Likewise, St.
Muffins is about St. Muffins.

Agent Lupus and his colleagues have been assigned to a drug bust; but since it
is going down in a strip club, they find it to be a pleasant necessity to
monitor what goes on in the Sweet Nothings club. Meanwhile, Heather Stanton,
who is assigned to the same surveillance team, takes a break and goes down the
street to buy a banana nut muffin at St. Muffins. Hence, the title of the
story. Next, she orders a blueberry muffin, a lemon-poppy seed, one corn, and
one bran muffin. I'll bet you thought I was going to slip up and tell you the
sexy parts, right here in this review, so that you wouldn't have to read the
story.

Soon Heather finds herself wishing she had some butter because the muffin is
still warm.

Heather's partner (after the rest of the gang go into Sweet Nothings for a
closer look) is Grace Park, who has been chasing the brass ring ever since she
saw "Silence of the Lambs" as a teenager. 

Actually, none of this has much to do with anything. Heather and Grace invite
Peter over for an orgy, and he accepts. Then they fuck like bunnies.

Aside from the fact that the build-up and ambience are pretty much disconnected
from the sex, this is a decent stroke story. I might add that although there is
no real saint named Muffins, Grace Park is the name of a real person. She was
the oldest, I believe, of the three Park sisters, who owned and operated Park
Automotive Manufacturing (PAM) in San Diego from 1935 to 1938. They produced
three distinct models of cars, each named for one of them.  Imagine that!

Ratings for "St. Muffins"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

==================

"Kathy on the Rocks" by Colin (colinpol@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465388437

This is a plain and simple stroke story. You can read this story and get all
hot and bothered while the narrator and Kathy go at it among the rocks at the
seashore. There's not much else to say about it. It's pretty hot stuff, and I
know from personal experience that most of what happens in this story is
actually possible and very enjoyable.

Ratings for "Kathy on the Rocks"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

==================

"The Virtues of Infidelity" by MichaelD (MichaelD38@aol.com).
The author's stories can be found at  http://bitbard.pair.com/library/michaeld/
Or 
http://206.47.27.105/authors/MichaelD38/MichealD38.html

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=????????? (nowhere to be found)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465674024
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465674032
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465674038

"He muscled her bush into position and went for another." The sentence I just
quoted is not directly related to sex. The neighbor kid with the nice butt is
helping Kathy with her gardening by carrying some vegetation into the backyard
for her. Innocent, eh? Well, for a while anyway.  His name is Casey, and he
offers to mow Kathy's lawn, while he has sex fantasies about her. 

"Fuck me, Casey.  Fuck me!" Kathy doesn't say. She just thinks it.

Well, to make a long story short, Casey eventually discovers that the grass is
greener on Kathy's side of the fence. After a few festive emboinkments,
however, Kathy's husband catches on. What happens next? I don't want to ruin
all your fun; so you'll just have to read the story.

This is essentially a wife-slut story, where the wife is a realistic, fully
developed character, and the author tries to explore some of the emotions felt
by the wife, the husband, and the lawnboy. It's very good reading.

Ratings for "The Virtues of Infidelity"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

"The Winter Lake" by TMC (tcarvett@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466034228

Ya know, it's hard to write anything but a short review about a really short
story. Don't let that fool you.  This is a real good story.

The man and woman are together for some unknown reason at a lakeside cabin in
the winter. He is just a little older than her son, who is 16. The reader
cannot be sure what that means.  What the hell! I'm going to assume he's about
20. They have sex, but her mind is apparently somewhere else. 

That sounds like a lame-ass story, the way I explain it. So then why did I give
it such high ratings?  I guess the author told the story a lot better than I
did in my summary.

Often these snippets that present a disjointed picture out of context are weak,
because they leave too much to the imagination.  On the other hand, this one
leaves a lot to the imagination, but it turns out to be good. Go figure!

Ratings for "The Winter Lake"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

"To the Victor" by Shon Richards (lordshon@aol)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466028998

The ten sexually naïve guys in the gang have gathered for one last after-hours
fling at the bowling alley before they split up to go away to college. One of
them has arranged for a hooker to be the prize for the winner. The rules are
that the man with the low pin total in each frame drops out, and the last man
standing gets Sabrina. As a bonus, Sabrina strips or struts after each loser is
sent to the adjacent arcade room. 

There are some grammar glitches, but nothing seriously distracting. This is a
truly creative plot. The author does an excellent job of drawing out the action
perfectly and repeatedly.  This is perhaps the adolescent stroke story par
excellence.

Ratings for "To the Victor"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

==================

"The Library " by Please Play with Me (plzplaywithme@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466076695

I guess this is best labeled "library stroke material." The guy goes to the
library to study; the woman seduces him by computer; and they go to a study
room to fuck. 

The story seems to be incomplete.

Ratings for "The Library "
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

==================

"History 101" by Amberle of the Three Rivers  (AmbrL3Rvrs@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=465254588

This is a story of that most common of all academic events: the seduction of a
female teacher by a hot male student. In this case the setting is a college
history class.  There's not much real build-up, but the sexual action, which
takes place on the desk in her office, is pretty hot.

Ratings for "History 101"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

==================

"The Ride" by Three (three4@hotmail.com).

Jenna has dumped her boyfriend and has approached the narrator, whom she barely
knows, in the parking lot. "Drive!" she tells him. She wants to put some
distance between her and the other guy.

Pretty soon, for reasons best discovered by yourself, Jenna finds herself
REDUCING the distance between her and the narrator. The action gets pretty hot.
I'm not sure it's safe to drive a car under these circumstances, but at least
they choose a long, lonely highway and eventually pull off the rode before
complete consummation. 

I suppose the main purpose of this story is to elicit the illicit, rather than
to illuminate the mind of the reader. It serves that purpose quite well, thank
you!

Ratings for "The Ride"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

==================

"The Studebaker" by Desdmona (desdmona22@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=466333121

Here we have a story about a woman who loves cars falling in love with the man
who taught her to be a good mechanic. If the idea of fucking on the hood of a
hot car while the motor purrs as gently as her pussy interests you, read this
story. Heck, I don't even remember what a Studebaker looked like, and I liked
the story a lot!

Desdmona assures us that only the story is fiction. The car is real and can be
found at http://onyx.pvcc.cc.va.us/~wjackame/50conv.jpg  .

Ratings for "The Studebaker" 
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

"Pollywanna" by Losgud (ushgod@hotnomail.com). Guest review by Watchful Owl.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=411128796

The brother from New York comes down to Miami for a poet's conference. On the
way, he stops in for a visit with his sister, who takes him to a bar on the
wrong side of the tracks. Fearing for his health, he leaves, and she follows.
After a couple of beers, he GOES TO BED. We can safely deduce the rest...

This story was actually quite good. The fare is a bit standard, but the author
throws in good twists (like making the brother a poet) that keep the story from
degrading into just more of the same. Initially, the story seemed to be one of
those superslut bar stories, but it wasn't. Although his sister is definitely a
slut, the overall atmosphere is not slutty. (Have I said "slut" enough? Slut,
slut, slut. :P)

The actual sex, though, was not, perhaps, as good as it could have been. It's a
bit unsatisfying, seeming to end almost immediately. This is not necessarily a
bad thing, but be warned: if you're going to read "Pollywanna", you will enjoy
it. However, you probably will not get off.

Ratings for "Pollywanna"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Watchful Owl (appeal to reviewer): 9

==================

"Internet" by Cindy (not@home.com). Guest review by Echo
(crossetti@hotbot.com).

The idea for this story came from, in the author's words, "A story (they) read
in this news group, about a woman being recognized by her naughty pictures on
the web." I thought, "All right. Cool."

What followed was just that: a woman being recognized by naughty pictures on
the web. 3,000 words worth. I felt somewhat cheated in that I there should be
more than that. There can be more than that. 

The nearest example that leaps to mind is that of Nabokov's Lolita. You hear
the story line -- about an older man falling in love with a barely teenage girl
-- and various racy images comes to mind. But, if you've read the book -- or
Nabokov's screenplay -- the story becomes convoluted with, um, his fictional
reality. Nabokov presents this back story about a young Humbert Humbert falling
in love with a nymphet who died at a very young age and as a result hasn't been
able to get his fascination with young girls out of his mind. When you
introduce this variable, the story shifts. I'm not justifying it. It becomes
more active. This is what I missed in "Internet." I felt the beginnings of a
story -- the introduction of this woman as a procurement manager, some details
about how her office was constructed, then snap, snap, picture, picture,
similarity in fabric swatches - and then I felt the story shut down. 

I know that some people will shake their heads and chalk up this review to a
nit-picking reviewer, but I believe that storytelling could be troubled and
troubling, but always instructive. I ask the author this question: Why?

Why does this woman feel forced -- of sorts -- to have her husband take
pictures and post them on the Internet, specifically where her co-workers can
view them? This isn't something that needs to be inserted into the story.
Rather, just so long as the author knows and keeps this in mind, I think this
story would much improve.

The story's final sentence is, "That was the beginning of my days of being a
mans sexual plaything, and I kind of liked the idea!" And I think the question
I'll posit. 

Ratings for "Internet"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8 (at the beginning) 5 (at the ending)
echo (appeal to reviewer): 4

==================

"Too Hot to Handle" by Joanna (joanna_de_brito@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Homer Vargas.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=459280414

It takes nerve to start a story with a man stranded in a rainstorm. And it
takes more courage to have him come upon a run-down guest house with a
beautiful, sexy and hot-to-trot girl living with her seventy-eight year old
Gramps.  (Sorry, Frank, it turns out they aren't really related.)  The story
progresses down very standard but pretty hot lines until the end and the
expected, but unpredictable switcheroo.  The reader will have to decide whether
he is the victim of a great prank or a shaggy dog story.  My own opinion is,
"Woof, woof."

Aside from not placing two spaces between sentences, a flaw that I have
promised never to mention again, the technical quality is good.  It would not
be fair to ask for real characters, as this is a joke.  Conventions apply and
they are applied well.  The dialogue is appropriate for the stock figures being
portrayed.

This story will not linger long in memory, but it's worth a read.

Ratings for "Too Hot to Handle"
Athena	10
Venus	 9
Homer	 7

==================

"The Lagoon" by Rosa (e-mail rosa262@yahoo.com), Guest review by Nick (e-mail
nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446008887

In this story a girl luxuriates in the experience in sunbathing nude, having
found a secluded spot by the lake. She swims to cool herself off and is
surprised by a country boy who gives her a little pleasure before she returns
to join her friends.

The thing that strikes me about this story is its childlike quality. It manages
to evoke a sense of innocence both through the setting and through the writing
style. The sentences seem short and almost unrelated to each other, much as a
child would write. Although this is effective, some of the grammar could do
with work, I think.

Ratings for "The Lagoon"
Athena (Technical)		8
Venus (Plot/Character)	8
Appeal to me			8

==================

* "Beach Balls" by Artie (artie@netgate.net).  

This story is fraught with ambiguity.  Here's the first paragraph:

"I love playing with my balls on the beach. I can do it for hours on end. I
love the way they feel in my hands, the way they seemingly move on their own as
the sea breeze hits them. I don't like getting sand on them, but you learn to
be careful. It's a wonderful feeling; after a few minutes I know I'm smiling,
I'm relaxed, it's great. Some people give me strange looks as they pass by, but
I don't care. It feels good. And there are some moments of sheer ecstasy --
like when I have all five in the air at once."

Only at the end of the paragraph do we realize to our disappointment or
amusement that the narrator purports to be a juggler.

And so, what are we to make of it when the girl says, "I love the way your butt
wiggles when you do that."

From all appearances, she could be a juggler too.  You'll have to ponder that
one.

Turns out she's an English teacher and he's a psych prof - USC and Stanford,
respectively.  So at least we know they'll be discreet, as opposed to discrete.

Pretty soon he's teaching her how to play with his balls.  She's a klutz, but
she has a sort of war talent - I mean raw talent - sometimes I get dyslexic
when I get turned on..

I learned things from this story that I hadn't known before.  For example, a
juggler's wand can interfere with his jugglery, and I didn't even know there
was such a word.  I think it has something to do with movement in one's center
of gravity or maybe displaced attention.  It's just hard, I guess.

I also learned that when a male juggler teaches a female juggler to jugg, it's
not all bad if she drops one now and then - has something to do with optics or
geometry.  That plus hardening of nipples.

This is a really excellent story!

Ratings for "Beach Balls"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

<end>
