Note: It is with great pleasure that I announce the return of Celeste as editor
of her reviews. I would like to thank everyone who contributed to our small
continuation.

- Apuleius

--------------------------------

Celestial Reviews 315 - February 14, 1999

When I sat down at my computer yesterday morning, I found a yellow electronic
stickie note with red text proclaiming in all caps: "JUST DO IT."

I had asked my husband what he wanted from me for Valentine's Day.  His reply:
"Start writing Celestial Reviews again."

I couldn't. I had stopped writing the reviews because of extreme computer
problems. I believed I had to go cold turkey, and so I didn't read any stories
or respond to any mail (with just one exception) for a month.

I missed writing the Reviews.

But the time off had also taught me something about myself.  I had gone
overboard with Celestial Reviews.  I had been missing important things in my
real life.  I had started reading a.s.s. because I wanted to write some
stories of my own, but I had wound up reviewing so many stories that I had no
time for my own writing. I had also given up practically all recreation except
writing the reviews.  My forced retirement gave me time to do some writing of
my own and to return to some of my old ways of having fun.

But I missed writing the Reviews.

I talked to my husband about my feelings. I told him that I wanted to write
the Reviews again, but I wanted to still have time for myself. He looked at me
kind of stupidly and said, "So, just do it." I explained that I felt a
responsibility to the a.s.s. community - that I had trouble saying no and that
I just knew I would be overwhelmed again. And besides, I told him, I'd have to
reconstruct my database (which had been lost in the computer crash) and catch
up on all the back stories that I had missed and reorganize my guest reviewers
and the proofreading system. Then I added that maybe I wouldn't have time for
sex with him.

It was that last part that caught his attention.

He placed his hands on my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes, and said,
"You don't have to do all that stuff. Your readers loved your reviews and you
loved writing them.  Just resume writing your reviews as if you had never left
off.  If you feel you have to give an explanation, start your next issue with
an essay of no more than 500 words that explains what has happened and state
the conditions under which you are returning.  The people you dealt with in
the newsgroup were a vibrant community to you.  They'll still be that way for
you.  Tell them how they can help you, and then stay within your limits."

I paused.  Then I gave him the best blowjob he had received in two months.

The next morning when I sat down at my computer, I found a yellow electronic
stickie note with red text proclaiming in all caps: "JUST DO IT."

So I'm back, but I'm not going to be able to write an issue twice a week.  I'm
going to shoot for one issue each weekend, and I'd appreciate some help in the
following areas:

(1) I need someone to get together the LINKS for each issue. Bitbard used to
do that; but as I scanned a.s.s.d. yesterday and today, I discovered he has
also retired.  I have no idea whether he would be interested in re-enlisting;
but maybe somebody else could help out.

(2) I need somebody to help coordinate the proofreading service. I used to
spend an hour or so each week linking authors up with proofreaders.  If I
could simply shuffle these names off to someone else, I could still feel
helpful, but I would get an hour back each week.

(3) I could use some help coordinating the guest reviewers.  These folks are
generally wonderful people who sometimes ignore me for a week or so after I
send them or story.  In other cases they send me a review immediately, but I
lose it.  Some of them have preferences and get pissed at me when I repeatedly
send them stories that squick them. If someone else could act as a co-goddess
and help manage the system of co-reviewers, that would save me a lot of time.

(4) If somebody has a database of some sort of my reviews, maybe he/she could
send me a copy. What I used to do when I recognized a story was look it up in
my database, which told me who wrote the story, what it was about, how much I
liked it, and when I reviewed it. I could quickly pull out the review and
repost it or make references to it as necessary.  I still have this database
for stories up to about CR 250; but I lost the more recent stories in the
crash. I just know I am going to come across a story that I think I have
reviewed before and have no way of knowing where to find my review of it.

I guess what I am saying is that we have an interesting little community here,
and I want to remain a part of it. We all have our gifts that we can give to
this community, and one of my gifts is being able to write reviews that seem
to be fun to read while they stimulate writers to post good stories and enable
readers to find some good stuff to read. I think my husband was probably right
when he said there were lots of people who would help me do my bit; and so,
here's your chance! If you can help out, email me at celeste801@aol.com.

I don't want to sound like I'm "laying down the law," but I'd like to say just
a few more things.

First, I'm going to have to pass on reviewing some stories myself. This is
going to be very hard for me to do, but before my hiatus I was spending about
three hours a day reading and reviewing stories.  I can't do that with my
reorganized life.  Maybe a few more guest reviewers can help pick up the
slack.

Second, I don't want to appear to be cutting in on the action of the others
who write reviews. I have noticed that some new reviewers have begun to write
reviews since my hiatus began, and some of my old guest reviewers may want to
continue on their own.  I have no problem with that. On the other hand, I see
a value in a coordinated review system; and if anyone wants to post reviews
with me, I'll be happy to hear from you.

Third, I am going to take this opportunity of a New Beginning to try to get a
little tougher on my ratings. My husband read this issue before I posted it,
and he laughed at the preceding sentence.  He walked away, mumbling something
about "Fat chance!" Well, I'm going to at least try to give fewer tens.

Fourth, that's enough.  If you want to help out in some way, contact me.
Otherwise, let's get on with the reviews!

* * * * *

In addition to the note from my husband, another stimulus to return was the
pack of five stories that I received from Homer. These were the entries in his
contest that required participants to write a story about "Why Celeste Stopped
Writing Her Reviews." Homer seemed a little despondent over his low rate of
participation. I hasten to remind him that I once held a contest in which
NOBODY participated.

Anyway, as my first act after announcing my return, I am going to post reviews
of those five stories.  As this review goes to press, I still don't know who
the authors were.  Therefore, I was biased exclusively by flattery rather than
by the previous reputations of the authors. What I meant to say is that I was
completely unbiased.

The winner from my own perspective would have to be <<drum roll>> "Rosetta" by
Author 4.  All five stories were very good; and some of them were especially
enjoyable to me for "insider" reasons. But "Rosetta" was excellent! Thanks to
all five authors for contributing.  The reviews for all five stories are
below.  As you can see, my tendency toward verbosity returned as I made my way
through these stories.  I'll try to get the names of the authors and Links for
these stories and post that information in a future issue.

As I prepared to post this message, I read my most recent message from Homer,
and it seems that I have selected a different winner than his judge's chose.
If I read Homer's table correctly, this person named Tira agrees with me
almost perfectly, but I'm way off from everyone else. I see Pandora at work
here!.

* * * * *

Here are this week's stories:

"Celeste Departs" by Author 1 {Celestial mythology} 9.5, 8, 9.5
"Why Did Celeste Go Away?"  by Author 2 {Celestial empty-nest 
      syndrome} 9.5, 9, 9
"Celeste Withdraws" by Author 3. {Celestial blackmail} 10, 9, 9
"Rosetta" by Author 4. {the power of a good story} 10, 10, 10
"Celestial Musings" by Author 5 {Celeste becomes a Muse}
      10. 9.5, 9.5
"The Problems of Utilitarianism" by Uther Pendragon 
      {philosophical sex} 10, 9, 9

Here are the reviews:

"Celeste Departs" by Author 1. The main strengths of this first story are the
good insider humor and the integration of this humor with modernized Greek
mythology.  A person with little prior knowledge about a.s.s. or Celeste would
not enjoy this story.  Since I am familiar with both, I enjoyed it greatly.
As a matter of fact, I had given it all tens, until I remembered my resolve to
get tougher.

My only objection to the story is that the Celestial dialogue didn't sound
like I would like myself to sound. I'm a lot more patient and sexier than
that!  Another "shortcoming" is that the story is short on sex; but then
that's just not what the author's goal was on this occasion.

This author is probably a female.  Men can't go that long without thinking
about sex.  Or so I'm told.

Ratings for "Celeste Departs"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Why did Celeste Go Away?" by Author 2. The premise of this story is that the
real reason I quit was because of a sort of empty-nest syndrome. That is, the
people on a.s.s. had been writing so well that I had begun to feel unimportant
and useless. In the story my husband tells me to just tell them that my
computer crashed, and then he fucks my brains out.

What I liked best about this story was this sentence: "There is a lot of good
writers out there now." That should be "there are." As the sentence stands, it
would mean that someone has assembled in a nearby staging area a menagerie
(lot) of writers, grouped (into a "lot") in some manner, probably for sale.
Sounds like a low-rated bdsm plot to me. Anyway, the subtle irony of the
deliberate error in that sentence was not lost on me.

Finally, the actual, real, genuine, veritable, authentic, honest-to-goodness,
main factor in my decision to stop was my exasperation with computer problems.
The damn thing crashed, and I had to give priority to getting my real life
obligations back in order. See my introductory comments for details. However,
the author's insight about what I'm calling an empty-nest syndrome is also
valid.  This group has grown up a lot in the past three years.

Ratings for "Why did Celeste Go Away?"
Athena (technical quality):9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Celeste Withdraws" by Author 3. To make a long story short, Homer loves
Angela; but (as so often happens in stories posted to this newsgroup), he is
unhappy because of their unfulfilling sex life. Therefore, Homer seeks advice
from me.  His Henry Higgins method for finding me is so crazy that it just
might work.  Ergo, I had better take steps to prevent people from using that
strategy, eh, mate? ;)

The plot is plausible. Homer starts by tricking me into splitting an
infinitive (which I do anyway with impunity) and then sort of blackmails me
into making his beloved wife into a sexy, cockloving woman like moi. {I'm
trying to throw off the linguistic police - you have to read the story to
understand, hombre!}

Exactly what does this have to do with "Why Celeste Quit," which is the topic
of this contest? Well, by the linguistic equivalent of sci-fi's hyperspace,
the story turns from (Cons, Rom) to (NC, Interr, Wife, preg), and (as a result
of a few details that I'll omit here), I become a slut and lose my AOL
account.  If you buy into this, you'll be interested in the final lines of the
story, in which this Nostradamos of a.s.s. accurately predicts my return,
which has now come to pass <eerie music>.

Ratings for "Celeste Withdraws"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Rosetta" by Author 4.  This one is going to be hard to beat.  For one thing,
it has some really hot sex in it. For another, the rationale for my retirement
is fiendishly clever: I stumble upon a story that is so good that I am
compelled to constantly reread that one {which happens to have the same title
as this one}, and therefore I have no time or interest for other stories.

Oddly enough <*>, the eponymous title of that fictitious story is the same as
the title of the one that I am reviewing now and upon which I eventually
bestowed first prize.  Indeed, this story does have a strange attraction to
me.

<*> Actually, this happens a lot with eponyms.

Ratings for "Rosetta"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Celestial Musings" by Author 5.  This one oughta receive the award for
"creative plotwork." But how often have I said that to myself as I read the
other four stories as well?  Anyway, this author suggests that my original
incarnation with this newsgroup occurred as a sort of trial assignment when I
applied to Apollo's office for a vacant Muse position in the Olympic pantheon.
More specifically, the reigning Muses had given me the assignment to inspire a
newsgroup devoted to sex stories to produce something that could be classified
as 'good literature'. 

This author has applied to erotic literature the Dragnet method for writing a
screenplay. The writers for that old TV cop show used to read a pamphlet on a
topic-of-the-week and then have Sergeant Friday and his faithful sidekick
deadpan the main ideas as lines in the weekly screenplay. 

"You say the perpetrator penetrated you from behind ma'am?" 
"Yes, that's right." 
"So, what's your problem?"
"The son of a bitch sodomized me, and I enjoyed it!"
"So, what's your problem?"
"Sodomy is evil. The bible says so!"
"No, ma'am.  That's a misinterpretation based on sociocultrual norms of
primitive peoples in which the victors in military engagements used to
routinely rape both the male and female members of tribes they conquered."
"I see! So consensual sex is right and beautiful if it occurs as an expression
of mutual respect!"
"That's close enough. Let's stick to the FAQs. ma'am. You're a blonde. You dye
your hair, don't you?"
"Kemo Sabe right. Anal sex sometimes heap good on lonely nights in desert even
when them both men!"

Oops! Wrong sidekick.

Here are the words the present author puts into my mouth:

'I was amazed at the talent I found.  There wasn't just the occasional good
story but many.  Some were without a doubt worthy of a much larger audience
and were better than some pieces that are recognised as 'good literature'.
However my main aim was not just to create awareness of the need for correct
grammar but to encourage the readers to provide feedback to the writers.  The
thrill that a writer gets from knowing that someone had read their words is
indescribable.  It is possible that someone who has written something
grammatically incorrect and with a ludicrous plot may with enough
encouragement keep on writing and could one day produce a classic piece of
literature.  If nothing else I find it reassuring that in such a visual age
that so many humans are taking the time and effort to write stories.  They all
deserve the reward of knowing that someone has read their words.'

I couldn't have said it better myself. In fact, I probably did say it myself.
This author has simply used the British single quotation marks instead of my
more mundane double quotes.

This was a thoroughly enjoyable story.  However, I would like to insert the
following brief passage right after the Interviewer asks me, 'What would you
say is the greatest piece of literature ever?'

* * *
"Well," replied Celeste, "It certainly isn't Paradise Lost!"

"I represent that remark!" said a blind man stepping forward from the epic
poets' corner. "Paradise Lost was my best work until those goddam Puritans
took all the sex out of it. I'll grant you that what's left is a melancholic
mess of misanthropic mediocrity, but..

"What do you expect, when you lose sex from Paradise?" interrupted Erato,
possibly with collaborative inspiration from Thalia, who sometimes dabbles in
irony.
* * *

I submit the previous insertion as evidence of why I had better stick to
reviewing stories instead of writing them.

Ratings for "Celestial Musings"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"The Problems of Utilitarianism" by Uther Pendragon

Philosophers have long pick-up lines: "The moral ideal is to have the greatest
happiness for the greatest number.  Certainly, your own happiness is one part
of that.  Indeed, the times when any person has it in his power to multiply
happiness on an extended scale, in other words to be a public benefactor, are
exceptional; and on these occasions alone is he called on to consider public
utility.  On every other occasion, private utility, the interest or utility of
some few persons, is all he has to attend to.  I was very happy with our
actions.  If you were, which I have reason to believe, what other persons were
affected?"

     "Wouldn't this apply to any clandestine activity?  This moves us
perilously close to rationalization."

Hmnm. 

"Whichever side one takes on moral issues, one risks rationalization.

Indeed.

Our heroine is Johanna Mill, daughter of James Mill and possibly Martha
Stewart. Johanna is a college woman, who is just discovering her sexuality and
whose father thinks maybe he should have placed greater emphasis on sexual
ethics in her upbringing. Her father has suggested that she seek counseling
with his associate, a chap named Bentham, whose tendencies range from the
utilitarian to the pragmatic. 

Johanna seeks out dear old Jeremy, but their verbal intercourse becomes
entangled with distractions. It turns out that Jeremy is a clever philosopher,
and soon she discovers that he has put his pragmatic, utilitarian finger on a
sensitive spot.

And so it goes. The story is a really clever blend of sexual fiction and
Philosophy 101. It reminded me of Jostein Gaarder's "Sophie's World," a novel
in which a young woman essentially reviews Introductory Philosophy during her
fictional adventures.

Ratings for "The Problems of Utilitarianism"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9


