Celestial Reviews 48 - Dec 23, 1995

Note:  I am going to take a vacation from writing my reviews during the 
holiday season.  I'll post on December 23, but the next issue will be 
on January 3.  In between those dates I'll post no new reviews, but I 
will post my list of TOP 100 STORIES OF 1995.  I'll also repost reviews 
of all those stories.

Second Note: The proofreading service is in full operation.  IF YOU 
WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and 
I'll match you up with one of the reviewers.  Remember: you're not 
admitting to being a "bad writer" by asking for a proofreader.  
Everyone can benefit from having someone to help with their work.  For 
that matter, if anyone wants to look over Celestial Reviews before I 
post them, I would appreciate the help - but I would need a really fast 
turnaround time.  If others are interested in offering their services 
as proofreaders, please contact me.

- Celeste

      "Neighbor2" by Deirdre (I'm not sure) 8
      "Neighbor3" by Deirdre (whipping) 7
      "Niece" by Deirdre (ff sex) 9
      "Christmas Presents" by Anonymous (transgender) 10
      "Piggy and Thong" by Casual K9 (exhibitionism &
            voyeurism) 8
      "Stephanie Between the Stars" by Stephanie (transgender)
            8
      "The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (utopian sex) 10
      "Hester" by Friar Dave (oral sex) 10
      "Dear Sir Stephen" by Catholic Guilt (bdsm) 8
      "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded
            (masturbation) 2
      "Barfly" by Dys (bar pickup) 10
      "A New Friend" by Anonymous (ff sex, threesome, &
            voyeurism) 9

I get two conflicting sorts of comments from readers regarding my 
reviews of Deirdre's stories: (1) Thank you for reviewing so many of 
Deirdre's stories, and (2) Why do you review so many of Deirdre's 
stories?  I review so many because someone has graciously sent me 
advanced copies and has offered to repost the stories synchronized with 
my reviews.  I am not giving Deirdre an unfair advantage.  I try to do 
the same for any author with an established reputation who sends me the 
stories in advance.  It's just that Deirdre is somewhat more prolific 
than most authors and her stories are short and easy to read in one 
sitting.  That plus she has somehow made me her sex slave.  I didn't 
know that was possible through mere electronic, verbal intercourse.

"Neighbor2" by Deirdre.  Brenda is the sexy neighbor.  Lauren is her 
sexy daughter.  One day the Guy who tells the story happens to look at 
Brenda as she drives away and Lauren insightfully suggests that the Guy 
might like to fuck Brenda.  She promises to make all the arrangements.  
He forgets about the conversation, but one day Lauren invites him to a 
motel.  When the Guy arrives, Lauren is seated outside a motel room and 
explains that she has told Brenda that a rich guy (other than Our Guy) 
would like to fuck her blindfolded and in handcuffs.  Brenda, who would 
presumably not have sex with Our Guy if she were simply asked to do so, 
has agreed to this plan of action.  The Guy enters the room, and 
everything is as Lauren described.

Now at this point, stop and think.  What are the chances that Our Guy 
is going to enter the motel room, fuck Brenda, and then happily go on 
with his life?

If you guessed that something kinky was going to happen, you were 
right.  The camcorder that I forgot to tell you about would have been a 
good clue.  Anyway, all this kinky stuff improves the Guy's and his 
wife's sex life - and, as they say, no harm no foul!  This was a 
strange story!  (Rating: 8)

"Neighbor3" by Deirdre.  "I had this vision of discovering an amazing 
thing about my neighbors."  Thus spake Deirdre in her prologue.  Now I 
want you to understand that I have the greatest respect for Deirdre.  
However, I also have a vague fear that she may be MY neighbor.  And I 
want to stress that I don't really think that Deirdre is a pervert.  
After all, if we look at Alfred Hitchcock, Sherwood Anderson, and Edgar 
Alan Poe, at least one of them was pretty much a sane, stable member of 
society.  Nevertheless, when I read this prologue, I couldn't help 
anticipating that Deirdre was going to discover something a little more 
shocking than that her neighbors were aliens who used their basement to 
sell Tupperware to Jehovah's Witnesses.

Actually, I was a bit disappointed.  What these people do, they do in 
the privacy of their backyard, surrounded by a big, high fence.  Why do 
you think people have those fences, and what do you think we call them 
privacy fences?  I've seen kinkier neighbors in over half of Deirdre's 
stories.  I think this one would have benefited from some aliens or 
some Tupperware or even some Jehovah's Witnesses.  Nevertheless, this 
was an excellent review, and I still respect Deirdre.  (Rating: 7)

"Niece" by Deirdre.  "Doesn't it affect you to see someone like 
that?... Don't you ever think of having sex with her?... Good, I'll ask 
her!" It's conversations like this between niece and aunt that make 
aunts yearn for the good ole days when discussions of sex with 
adolescents was taboo!  Nevertheless, Deirdre is back in form here - 
interesting twists and surprises in the plot!  I was left mildly 
disappointed at the ending.  I was expecting a few more surprises.  
Deirdre or somebody oughta write "Niece2" or "Neighbor4" or "Affect" - 
any of which, of course, would be this story with a different ending.  
(Rating: 9)

"Christmas Presents" by Anonymous.  Ray (Rachel) and Jack (Janice) are 
both computer geeks and crossdressers.  Neither is gay; but they 
discover that when they want to pass as female in public they can 
minimize risk of exposure by having one (dressed as a male) date the 
other (dressed as a female).  

They like one another.  As a grammarian, I stated that last sentence 
carefully.  If there were only two persons, I would have said, "They 
like each other."  But actually Ray and Jack like each other; Ray and 
Janice like each other; and Rachel and Jack like each other.  So they 
like one another, although only two of them are ever present at any one 
time.  Isn't grammar wonderful?

As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy taking 
greater risks.  They are even more successful as computer geeks and 
become wealthy.  At the annual TV dinner (in San Francisco TV does not 
stand for television) Jack wins an award as most improved TV while Ray 
takes first place in the evening gown event.

Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot if.... 
"; and that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story.  I enjoyed 
the story even though I thought I knew how it would end.  If you want a 
clue, read the next paragraph.  If you don't want a clue and prefer to 
be surprised by this really creative plot, skip the next paragraph.

Clue:  Skip this if you want to be surprised.  Clue: Think O. Henry.  
Further clue:  If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift of the Magi"!  
If you haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not very familiar with 
American literature.  Read this story; but then you won't be surprised 
when you read O. Henry's story.  End of clue.  You can resume reading 
now.

So they make a bet.  Each will live as a woman during the following 
year, and whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by the TV club) 
will win a vast sum of money and will obtain the services of the loser 
as a personal maid for a period of one year. For perfectly sensible 
reasons that are too complex to discuss here, they cancel the bet but 
continue to live and work as women, and Sally (that is, Walter the 
doctor) moves in with them as their maid.  It would also be too complex 
to explain why Ray finds himself as a client at the Institute for the 
Amelioration of Gender Dysphoria.  And finally comes the surprise 
ending.

As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have 
problems that we more blase people hardly even think about.  For 
example, if a guy is dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded, what 
does he/she do about the picture and information on the driver's 
license?  And novice male CD's have problems typing with those long 
fingernails.  I have also learned that TG stories are often very 
creative.  I have no urge to become a crossdresser myself or to become 
sexually involved with one, but I find the ideas in stories like this 
one to be extremely creative - not *sexually* stimulating, but very 
creative and *intellectually* stimulating.  Although this story could 
benefit from a good proofreading, I am going to let its creativity 
completely override its grammatical inadequacies and give it a perfect 
rating.  (Rating: 10)

"Piggy and Thong" by Casual K9.  (Casual K9@aol.com)  Kathy has a nice-
looking ass that is disproportionate to the rest of her sexy body.  She 
also has foot-fetish feet, with wrinkled soles, painted nails and 
plump, rounded perfection.  Add those features to her snorts and 
squeals and we get the nickname Fat Ass Kass or Piggy.  We'll go with 
Piggy, since that's in the title.  The plot of the story centers around 
Piggy sunning herself at the private pool in a skimpy thong while her 
husband goes off to play golf.  Each day some scrawny kids come to gawk 
at her and she flirts with them and then tells her husband about it in 
the evening.  This indirect voyeurism turns him on, and they fuck their 
heads off each night.  Eventually Piggy lets the two boys fuck her 
multiple times; and unknown to everyone her husband watches and enjoys 
what he sees.  The story is clearly written and the orgy scene is 
pretty hot.  If you're looking for a plot, however, there are no 
interesting twists or character development.  The only reason for the 
sex is because Piggy is a slut and likes it.  I guess that's better 
than no reason at all.  (Rating: 8)

"Stephanie Between the Stars" by Stephanie (an266891@anon.penet.fi).  
Stephanie gets bored and heads for Hollywood to put some zest into his 
life.  That's right, Stephanie is a crossdresser.  She starts by giving 
the bellboy a blow job for his tip; and the young man graciously 
accepts this gratuity in lieu of the customary 15% - hardly losing a 
stroke when a cock pops out of the panties of the the beautiful young 
woman whose bags he carried.  (This would shock a bellboy in Sulfur 
Springs or Muncie; but hey, this is Hollywood.)  The next day she gets 
into the Paramount lot (by giving the security guard a blow job) and 
heads for the Star Trek set, where she finds herself sneaking into Kate 
Mulgrew's trailer, where Kate is having passionate sex with Nana 
Visitor.  When they catch her (I mean him - I never know what to call a 
person in a TG story!), Stephanie asks the startled women for their 
autographs.  The movie stars, realizing that autographs hardly 
contribute to the plot of a sex story, discover that she is a he and 
decide to have sex with him.  Well, to make a short story even shorter, 
they not only fuck their brains out, but they give Stephanie a 
permanent pass and get him a role as an extra!  I'm pretty sure this is 
story fiction, because my sources tell me that Kate Mulgrew herself is 
really a guy.  This is an interesting story, but it's not one of 
Stephanie's best.  I admire Stephanie's stories because of their 
interesting twists in the plot.  In this case, there are almost as many 
surprises in this review as there were in the story!  (Rating: 8) 

"The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (Dillweeder@aol.com).  The most 
significant characteristic of the fortieth floor is that the people who 
"work" there don't actually do anything except have sex whenever they 
want to do so.  What kind of place is this?  Is this a government job?  
Is this where those AOL consultants go when they're not giving advice 
to confused a.s.s. users?  Is this heaven?  You'll have to read the 
story and find out.  It's a creative story; and I might add that my 
description of this as "utopian sex" is not all that far off.  (Rating: 
10)

"Hester" by Friar Dave.  Hester and Dan have a wonderful sex life, 
except that she feels bad because she doesn't like to swallow his cum.  
One day she returns from a self-improvement retreat with the news that 
she has undergone self-hypnosis, and now whenever she hears the word 
"honey" she is possessed by an overwhelming horniness that won't 
subside until she gulps down a healthy dose of cum.  This strategy 
works, and pretty soon cum swallowing is her favorite thing - she even 
resorts to special herbs that help Dan generate more cum so that she'll 
have more to swallow.  Indeed, she begins to like his cum so much that 
she cancels the keyword - no more "honey," just suck and swallow 
whenever she feels turned on.  But a problem develops: Dan discovers 
that the ONLY type of sex Hester wants is swallowing his cum; he wants 
some cuddling and some ordinary sex as well.  And he has this pain in 
his crotch.

So here we have a paradoxical reversal of the stereotypical sex 
problem: the guy is getting too much excellent head and has to figure 
out a way to get the woman to cuddle and let him lick her pussy and 
whisper sweet nothings from time to time.  My personal opinion at this 
point was that the mistake was in choosing "honey" for the trigger 
word.  I would have gone with "Rumpelstiltskin" or "avatar" or some 
other incredibly obscure word.  Ooops!  That wouldn't work.  We might 
have her going on her rampage while taking the SAT or GRE or while 
doing the monthly vocabulary quiz in Readers Digest or listening to a 
news report about the finals of the National Spelling Bee.  Well, 
you'll just have to read the story to see how they resolve this issue.  
(Rating: 10)

"Dear Sir Stephen" by Catholic Guilt.  The subs (submissives) are in 
rebellion against the doms (dominants) throughout America!  It's 
disgusting!  The subs have become aggressive and have begun to initiate 
and enjoy sexual activity!  They are topping from the bottom!  What 
will the doms do?  Is this the end of Paradise as we know it?  Is this 
Armageddon?  I don't know, but it's an interesting idea.  I find it 
interesting that my spellcheck acknowledged neither submissives (with 
the s) or doms but it did know Armageddon when it say the word. The 
reason this gets less than a 10 is because it's not really a full 
story.  I got this off rec.arts.erotica.  Maybe the author will repost 
it on a.s.s.; or maybe someone will post guidelines for getting old 
stories off r.a.e. (Rating: 8)

"A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded.  A month of 
so ago one of the readers asked me to review several stories from 
rec.arts.erotica.  That service, she noted, was coming back to life; 
and since the stories there were screened, it seemed likely that they 
might be of higher quality than ordinary alt.sex.stories entries.  
Enough is enough!  This story is about a man riding a nearly empty 
train car.  There is a woman with a crying baby riding the same car.  
When the baby cries to much, the mother opens her double-jointed mouth 
and swallows the kid whole.  The man finds this incredibly erotic and 
masturbates while it happens.  

This story reminds me of some of my own really interesting dreams.  
When I used to awaken at 2:00 a.m. I used to think, "Wow! What a neat 
dream!"  The next morning I would vaguely recall the dream and say to 
myself, "I wish I could remember that really great dream."  My husband 
suggested that in order to avoid additional losses to posterity, I 
should keep a notepad by the bed.  Two nights later I had another 
Really Great Dream.  In the semi-asleep state that accompanied my 
return from the bathroom, I wrote a few lines to remind myself of the 
dream.  The next morning I brought the notepad to the breakfast table 
at eagerly read what I had written.  It was nonsense; but it did serve 
to remind me of the entire dream.  The dream was also nonsense.  It was 
a really dumb dream that seemed interesting because I was too sleepy to 
be critical.  I think this kind of dream experience is fairly 
universal.  But I don't think these dreams are interesting enough to 
write down and post as stories for others to read.  (Rating: 2)

"Barfly" by Dys (dramis@cts.com).  "Like a little company? "Why?  You 
got one to sell?  The guy is trying to pick up a beautiful woman in a 
bar.  Lines like that might make my heart melt, but this lady is a 
veteran.  But the guy is successful, and they leave together to retire 
to more private quarters.  To impress her, he takes her to the company 
suite at an expensive hotel.  For a story that begins with such a 
tawdry pickup line, this is a surprisingly hot and creative story.  
(Rating: 10)

"A New Friend" by Anonymous (lisabent@aol.com).  The woman is longing 
to find someone to videotape her and her boyfriend having sex.  As good 
fortune would have it, a beautiful woman makes passionate love to her 
in the shower at the fitness center; and so she enlists this lady as 
her video technician for the evening's festivities.  Debbie carries out 
her role to perfection; and fortunately the VCR has a tripod and an 
automatic function that enables Debbie to join the action.  When John 
later goes to work, the woman invites Dawn over for a visit, and the 
three ladies enjoy popcorn while they watch the tape.  At this point, I 
said to myself, this sounds just like a porn movie, except that they 
don't have a two-headed dildo.  I spoke too soon.  Debbie carried one 
in her purse and the three frolicked with it while they finished the 
video and all three came in a simultaneous climax.  As I have 
suggested, this story has about as much plot as a typical porn movie; 
but hey! it's a GOOD porn movie!  (Rating: 9)

SPECIAL BONUS: REVIEW OF A SCIENTIFIC SEX REVIEW!

I cannot resist a slight digression.  I realize that sophisticated 
Internet wizards routinely cast aspersions on the intellectual naivete 
of AOL users; but let me point out a major advantage of AOL for a.s.s. 
We have access to Scientific American Online, which in the January 1996 
issue reviews several books that deal with the topic of sex.

According to Scientific American, researchers Baker and Bellis (whose 
names are strangely reminiscent of a couple of MTV cartoon disk 
jockeys) have reported that female orgasm plays an important role in 
competition for sperm during both current and future copulatory 
activities.  Alt.sex.stories verifies this theory at least fifty times 
a day - not counting wannafucks. 

The same researchers support their own Kamikaze Sperm Hypothesis with 
research by R. A. Beatty showing that some bulls sire substantially 
more calves than others when their sperm is mixed with that from other 
bulls. Beatty found, however, that bulls that perform well in sperm 
competition also perform well in its absence. Alt.sex.stories offers 
anecdotal information to support this theory with human beings; 
however, when we on a.s.s. use non-human animals, we are more likely to 
employ dogs or wolves - and perhaps an occasional ferret.  ("Trouser 
snake" and "pussy" have purely metaphorical meanings.) It is worth 
noting that at least some of the a.s.s. stories involving non-human 
animals are described as "true."  (Stories involving inhuman as opposed 
to non-human sexual activity are also fairly common on a.s.s.)  No bull 
for us on a.s.s.!

The author of the review (a chap with the improbable name of Peter D. 
Sozou of the department of biology at Birkbeck College, University of 
London - I'm pretty sure it's really Dr. Suess) considers the ideas of 
Baker and Bellis to be "provocative"; but nearly all the stories I have 
reviewed in the past six months are at least equally provocative.  
Indeed, Baker and Bellis have hardly paid any attention at all to the 
obvious relevance of handcuffs and whips.  Anal penetration of virgin 
inmates in prisons would seem especially pertinent to the Kamikaze 
Hypothesis.  All this and more is covered almost daily in a.s.s.

A serious problem with the B&B research is that literally all their 
work has been done with men with diminutive sex organs compared to 
those prevalent on a.s.s.  Their women are practically virgins - many 
of them having sex even less than once a day.  Where do they FIND 
people like this?  Certainly not on a.s.s., where the average penis is 
nine inches in length and the women take it up the ass more frequently 
than the B&B folks get it at all.  B&B have apparently never even heard 
of mind control!

Paul R. Abramson and Steven D. Pinkerton offer somewhat more useful 
insights in "With Pleasure." Their central argument is that sex is for 
pleasure, not procreation, because it is usually pleasure that provides 
the motivating force for human sexual activity.  (They apparently got 
paid for finding this out!)  The reviewer points out that this line of 
reasoning, of course, would seem to lead to the tautological conclusion 
that the purpose of any action is to satisfy the motivation for 
carrying it out; but we on a.s.s function well in a tautological world.  

I think Abe and Pinky may have plagiarized some of their findings.  For 
example, we learn that among the Mangaians of Polynesia "a 'good' man 
is able to bring his partner to climax two or three times for every one 
of his. The Sambia of Papua New Guinea have practiced ritualized 
fellatio, believing that "the ingestion of older men's semen is 
essential to masculine development."  I'm pretty sure I have read these 
"conclusions" as plots in a.s.s. stories within the past few months.  
Either these guys are inserting our stories into their results or 
Abramson and Pinkerton are the real-life names of Backrub and someone I 
have not yet fully identified.  These researchers should check out 
Sue's "Cocktail Table" or Estragon's "War Games" for some really 
interesting rituals.

On the brighter side, Abramson and Pinkerton offer an impassioned 
defense of pornography, arguing that it represents a moral 
counterculture and hence deserves the same protection as the scientific 
thoughts of Galileo and Darwin. <Hear! Hear!>   This would put critics 
of porno stories in a class with, say, Samuel Johnson or at least Andy 
Rooney.  They claim that opponents of pornography have "a shared 
opposition to nonprocreative sexuality."  That's putting it mildly.

Finally, Merideth (Tutu) Small elaborates on her fascination with 
primate and human sexuality in "What's Love Got to Do With It?" She 
argues that women are just as motivated as men to have sex and are just 
as promiscuous by nature.  They PAY these people to do this research, 
and here I am reviewing these stories for FREE!  

Anyway, I thought you might enjoy these scientific tidbits.  I sent 
this review to Scientific American, but they declined to publish it.  
However, since I submitted it, I've noticed a few new wannafuck authors 
in the past week on a.s.s., and I suspect these are Sci Am editors 
lurking with the authentic cultural elite.  In addition, that Hot Coed 
Who Will Fuck Anybody says she has received an interesting series of e-
mail messages from Birkbeck College, University of London 

