Celestial Reviews 88 - May 29, 1996

Note:  I have received a revelation from a genuine philologist, which 
is a technical term for a really cunning linguist, who states that the 
etymology several readers have suggested for "masturbate" is highly 
improbable for many reasons. "Mas" may mean "male" in Latin, but it 
takes this form only in the nominative. "Mas turbare" is an impossible 
construction.  J.N. Adams has apparently gained academic prestige by 
writing “The Latin Sexual Vocabulary,” which discusses this and other 
etymologies. The best guess among real cunning linguists is that the 
word derives from "manstuprare," which would mean "to defile with the 
hand." The "mans-" combination easily becomes "mas-"; and then, 
presumably, the analogy- as sound more than as sense - to "turbare" 
completes the current word. The "pr-" combination is a difficult sound 
to preserve; and the voiced labial plosive followed by "r" only 
slightly easier. Interestingly, the word appears in English in the 
seventeenth century in a form confirming this etymology: 
"mastupration." It really isn't hard to posit the reversal of "p" and 
"r" in pronunciation, and then the voicing of the plosive.

This discussion of masturbation is a bit hard to grasp <heh, heh>.  
Since my reason for raising the issue was mostly to help people spell 
the word by remembering that it had nothing to do with “master,” “Mas 
turbare” for “shaking the little guy” seemed to work.  The point of 
this discussion, however, is that the preceding information will be 
likely to help you win wagers in pubs and beauty parlors when 
obnoxious,  undersexed braggarts obnoxiously broadcast their sexual 
expertise.

I understand the derivations of fellatio and cunnilingus are a lot 
easier.

Second Note: Remember the proofreading service!  If you would like free 
help on a story, send me a request; and I’ll match you up with one of 
the volunteers who have offered to help authors by making suggestions 
about the grammar, style, and content of preliminary drafts of stories.  
This service is often very useful to authors and enjoyable to 
proofreaders.  In addition, if you would like to volunteer your 
services as a proofreader, please contact me.

Final Note:  There’s a notice with this title in the current postings: 

      Stories and Files available via FTP/E-Mail (FAQ).  

This is the FAQ for the BackDrop Club.  This is a legitimate 
organization.  I suggest that you read the FAQ.  (I myself have no 
affiliation with this organization.)  Since the demise of the Louvre, 
this may be the best source for obtaining stories.  I have used this 
service in the past, and it is NOT a commercial rip-off, like so many 
of the other “free” services.

- Celeste

      “A Night at Suzy's” by Mark Aster (tasteful orgy) 
            10, 10, 10
      “Angelic Interlude” by Joe Parsons (meeting the cyber-
            lover) 10, 10, 10
      “Xena: Calisto’s Escape” by Backrub (action, adventure,
            & sex in Ancient Greece) 9, 8, 8
      “Cleave It To Beaver” by MrNatural (TV sitcom parody)
            10, 10, 10
      “Carear Opportunities” by H.R. (wife watching & anal sex)
            8, 8, 8
      “Fun on the Beach” by Steve S621 (massage & fourway
             sex) 8, 8, 8
      “Meeting Shirley” by The Observer (romance) 9.5, 10, 10
      “The Office” by DeidreWun (sex on lunch break) 9, 9, 9
      “Awakenings” by Annette (virgin to slut transition)
            10, 10, 10

“A Night at Suzy's” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). It’s Orgy Night 
at Suzy's, and the gang has prevailed upon a renowned goddess of a.s.s. 
to bring some high quality stories from her extensive collection to 
read aloud as a mood setter.  By coincidence the author of Celeste’s 
Pick of the Week happens to be present; and as luck would have it, 
everyone likes everyone else and a good time is had by all.

I have to admit that I am flattered to become part of such a hot 
evening of sex, but I want to assure you that flattery in no way 
influences my ratings.  The author knows this, and I suppose that’s why 
he toned down my sexuality a little.  No offense taken.  There’s not 
much to say about this story: read it - you’ll get your bang for your 
buck.

This author follows a practice that few others follow.  He writes his 
story, lets a couple of weeks pass, and then revises the story before 
he posts it.  This takes discipline, but it is often worth it.  I know 
Mark does this, because he sent me a copy of the draft three weeks ago, 
asking for permission to defame me in the way he has done in this 
story.

Ratings for “A Night at Suzy's”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Angelic Interlude” by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com).  The man and 
woman have communicated for some time through cyberspace.  They have 
never met, but she has described her fantasies of what she would like 
to do to him.  Now she is coming to visit him in person, and he is 
waiting for her plane at the airport.  Her name is Angel; hence the 
title.

I guess almost everybody who reads stories on this newsgroup has a 
fantasy of this happening - even those of us who have no intention of 
ever consummating such a relationship.  Of course, this is just the 
cyberspace version of the old honky-tonk romance that the country-
western singers tell us about.  The odds are actually pretty remote 
that  a guy will have the three best orgasms of his life within an hour 
after getting out of the car in a wilderness clearing after picking up 
his mysterious lover at the airport.  But isn’t it pretty to think so?

So the storyline is trite, but it’s well written and just plain hot 
sex.

Ratings for “Angelic Interlude”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Xena: Calisto’s Escape” by Backrub (BCKRUB@aol.com).  One of my 
daughters watches Xena on television every week, but I myself have 
never watched an entire episode.  I get the impression that Xena is a 
warrior princess, who is stronger than almost all male warriors (except 
maybe Hercules), and who leads the fight for Truth, Justice, and the 
American Way of Life in ancient Greece.  The plots appear to contain a 
healthy blend of reasonably authentic Greek mythology mixed in with 
black magic and plots adapted from the Lone Ranger, Superman, and Kung 
Fu.  To this mixture Backrub adds a hearty dose of sex.  My 
understanding is that the present story picks up at the end of an 
actual episode, which apparently ended in the capture of the misguided 
and treacherous warrior-maiden Calisto.

While living a spartan lifestyle as a lieutenant to the stoic warrior-
princess Xena, Gabrielle has neglected her own sexual needs.  Now she 
has been captured by the nefarious Calisto, who is determined to 
extract from young Gabrielle secrets about Xena by tempting her with 
sexual thrills that no woman can deny.  The premise is that if 
Gabrielle succumbs to the sexual pleasures, she must talk.  I’m not 
sure what will happen if she doesn’t succumb.  Probably they’ll either 
kill her or keep imposing these sexual pleasures on her until she 
finally breaks - or until Xena rescues her.  But what will happen if 
Xena does rescue her?  Will Gabrielle’s obvious pleasure light a fire 
in the dispassionate heroine?  Or will the evil Calisto be overwhelmed 
by the good, the strength, and the beauty of Xena and give herself to a 
life of virtuous good deeds?

Actually, my conjectures about the ending (which were suggested in the 
questions at the end of the previous paragraph) were slightly off the 
mark.  The story has a bit of a serial ending (like on the weekly TV 
show), suggesting that there may be another episode.

I really like Backrub’s writing, but this story did not turn me on as 
much as his others.  Maybe it’s because I know so little about Xena.  
I’m not exactly a Xenaphobe, but I’m not a Xenaphile either.  I guess 
I’m Axenic or maybe Dysxenic.  Anyway, you Xena fans out there might 
like this story more than I did.

Ratings for “Calisto’s Escape”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“Cleave It To Beaver” by MrNatural (an351140@anon.penet.fi).  "Ward, I 
think you were a little rough on the beaver last night."  June Cleaver 
has made that statement many times in television reruns, but note that 
this time “the beaver” is not capitalized.  As you may have guessed, 
this story is an irreverent treatment of the old “Leave It to Beaver” 
series which is in contant syndication on cable TV.  "Sorry, June.  But 
when a man feels really special about a woman, even his wife, sometimes 
he has to express it in ways that are a little decisive."  I’ll bet he 
was carrying his pipe and wearing his sweater when he said that!  “It's 
just the right thing to do and I know we all feel better when we do the 
right thing."

This story alleges that The Beave was named after his father’s beaver 
cleaver.  This story makes lots of interesting allegations.  And what 
does this mean? “I've told you boys about eating wieners when you don't 
know where they've been.  Maybe I should go up and give Beaver that  
lesson." 

You can well imagine that Eddie Haskell will have something obsequious 
to say to June, and I won’t go into that here - except to say that June 
finds it ironic to  think of all the times Ward has called Eddie a 
little prick.

This is an extremely good example of a sexual parody.  DO NOT READ THIS 
AT THE OFFICE COMPUTER, if you are the sort of person who has trouble 
explaining to your coworkers why you are laughing uproariously.  The 
author does a wonderful job of making the characters stay in character 
while they do things that are completely out of character.  It’s enough 
to make me grant complete forgiveness for the several typographical 
errors I encountered.

This story ends with a notation: “More will follow if response is 
good.”  I assure you - response will be good.  A _little_ more will be 
enjoyable; but I urge this author not to try too much of a good thing.  
After a few more episodes, I’d like to see him go to work on some of 
the other popular sitcums.
 
Ratings for “Cleave It To Beaver”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Carear Opportunities” by H.R. (betrue@delphi.com).  The lawyer is 
hoping to become a partner in the law firm, but he discovers that his 
boss wants to fuck his wife as a pre-condition.  No problem; and this 
even turns the shy little lady into a really hot bitch.  I really doubt 
that many marriage counselors recommend this strategy, but it’s an 
interesting fantasy, which will appeal mostly to guys who have trouble 
impressing their wives on their own.  {The title is spelled that way 
because the boss teaches the wife to like anal sex.}

Ratings for “Carear Opportunities”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

 “Fun on the Beach” by Steve S621 (Steve S621@aol.com).  The man is 
working overseas, accompanied by his wife.  They are bored during the 
monsoons in Taipei, and so they go to the Philippines for some R&R.  On 
a quiet beach the wife gets a really sensuous message.  They return to 
their hut to finish up, but the masseuse follows them with a friend.  A 
good time is had by all.

Ratings for “Fun on the Beach”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

“Meeting Shirley” by The Observer (observer@onramp.net). The man likes 
women who are a challenge:  sexy, smart, classy, devious, and 
underhanded - with a whim of iron.   As a favor to a friend, however, 
he agrees to take a frumpy young lady to dinner.  After she changes 
clothes, she becomes beautiful - even enchanting, if non-French men 
would ever use that word.  {Usually it works the other way, I’m told: 
beauty deteriorates geometrically during the first twelve hours - 
except near closing time.  As one of my former professors used to say 
whenever he talked about nuances among synonyms: “She was a vision in 
the evening, and a sight in the morning.”}  Unfortunately, the 
protagonist has promised his friend not to seduce this young lady.

The chemistry between them is obvious.  I don’t know when I have read 
so many hot lines before any sex has occurred.

I think I once berated this author for dangling his modifiers.  He has 
reformed almost completely - almost: “Alone at last with Shirley, my 
cock was making its presence known even more than it had numerous times 
during the day.”

Incidentally, if I were the author of this story, I would have gone 
with “Damn you Charlie” for its title.  

One problem I had with this story was that it ended a bit up in the 
air.  The author starts a new subplot near the end and doesn’t finish 
the first plot.  However, he promises a continuation this week.  A more 
serious problem may be that the author apparently intends to connect 
this story to his previous “The Photographer’s Daughters.”  Unless he 
has some tricks I haven’t thought of, I can’t imagine how that could 
work.  This is a much better story, and I don’t see how the characters 
would match up.

Ratings for “Meeting Shirley”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“The Office” by DeidreWun (DeidreWun@aol.com).  The woman returns to 
her office and finds her lover seated in her desk.  They flirt and then 
have sex at her desk.  The story is generally well written and the sex 
is hot.  One problem I have is that I don’t understand the need for the 
second-person narrative (actually, first and second person).  The 
narrator refers to “you,” which becomes me when I read it; and I simply 
have trouble identifying with a male “you.”  In addition, the author 
uses no quotation marks, and this rules out question marks in places 
where they would be useful.  By simply making the story a first and 
third person narrative, both of these problems could easily be 
overcome.

This is the first posting by this author.  I hope she posts many more 
stories.

Ratings for “The Office”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

“Awakenings” by Annette.  The young lady is a naive virgin who has just 
graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on is the thought 
that when a man penetrates her for the first time it will be to shoot 
live ammunition at an unprotected target. She gets all churned up at 
the idea of totally unprotected sex with an even chance of being put in 
the family way. When a rich guy she really likes comes on strong to 
her, she tells him her feelings and says she’s just not quite ready 
yet.  Naive?  Well, sort of; but she certainly knows how to keep Alan 
at bay!

She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly before 
the wedding he gets called away for work for two months overseas, and 
she goes on a cruise.  The cruise ship is a veritable stud farm; and 
she mates with the ships mate. Not to worry; he’ll use a condom.  
Ooops!  To hell with the condom; he’ll withdraw.  Ooops!  To hell with 
withdrawal; he has a supply of the RU 462 morning after pill.  Ah! 
Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits say); ten straight days and nights of 
ecstasy.  Ooops!  If you’ve never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it’s 
easy to confuse them with Relaxatabs.

The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to ignore 
them, you can probably do so as well.

Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside me.  
Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons.  They give 
as examples “military intelligence,” “governmental efficiency,” and 
“honest lawyer.”  It may be funny to refer to these as oxymorons, 
because by doing so the speaker is suggesting that the military is 
inherently unintelligent, the government inefficient, and lawyers 
dishonest.  The problem with those examples is that they are better 
examples of humor than of oxymorons.  

This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her first 
engorged penis and refers to as “how beautifully ugly!”  That’s a 
perfect oxymoron.  I once heard the person behind me at a wedding 
ceremony refer to the bride’s “utterly ugly beauty” - making the point 
that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was not beautiful at all.  
There’s a famous Latin expression: “festina lente” - make haste slowly, 
or as Yogi Berra put it, “Take your time; but hurry up!”   A genuine 
oxymoron makes a point.  In the story, the idea is that the male sex 
organ fully engorged with blood is really pretty grotesque if you look 
at it objectively; but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it 
can give, it’s beautiful.  This is such a great example; I want so much 
to use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had better 
not.  American middle class manners; now there’s an oxymoron for you!

Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully 
graphic.  I strongly recommend this story. 

Ratings for “Awakenings”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

