Celestial Reviews 261 - February 25, 1998

Note:  A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, 
as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander.  He thinks 
to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is 
no one around here for miles.  He pulls over to the side of the road, 
picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole 
in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.  After a while he is really into 
it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.  The cop walks over 
and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a 
pumpkin?"  The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and 
says, "A pumpkin?  Is it midnight already?"

Second note: I have never written a scat story before.  Here goes: 

Joe is having the guys over to watch a football game. During the first 
half Joe's sexy wife appears in the hall and gestures alluringly to Sam, 
who is sitting at the end of the couch.  Same leans over to talk to her 
and motions for her to come closer. She seductively signals that he 
should bring his face close to hers.  When he does so, she begins to 
gently caress Sam's beard, which is full and bushy.

"Could you get my husband for me?" she asks, softly stroking Sam's face 
with both hands.

"No," smirks Sam, " You'll just have to deal with me."

"Please get him for me - I need to speak to him," she says, running her 
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Baby, we share at football parties," Sam replies. "Is there anything I 
can do?"

"Yes, there is.  I need you to give him a message," she continues 
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to 
suck them gently. "Tell him we're out of toilet paper again."

Third note:  Since Eli is having trouble with his archive site, we are 
posting DejaNews Links for the current stories.  In cases where there is 
an Eli Link, we are giving that as well.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Beach Balls" by Artie (delightful romance) 10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327659966
      "An Eye Full" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com)
            10, 9, 9
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327049872
      "The Substitute" by Losgud (sister-in-law sex) 10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327038860
      "The Truth of Well-Known Sayings" by Bronwen (romance)
            10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=328591247
      "Locksmiths" by Uther Pendragon (firtst times) 10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=326804400
      "The Back Rub" by G Smith (romance) 10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327664711
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327664719
      "Chocolate Cock" by Unknown Author (chocolate sex) 9, 8, 8
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327500826
      "Xena and Gabrielle" by Unknown Author (superhero sex) 
            8, 7, 7
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327038891

Guest Reviews: 

      "Ladies in Heat" by A Pulp Fan (crime-fighting ff sex)
            10, 10, 10
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8410.txt
          http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8411.txt
          ==Dejanews Links==
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=324605802
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=324605792
      "In Our Tenth Year On The Yellow Brick Road" by Jordan 
            Shelbourne  (movie parody) 10, 9, 8
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327038992.1
      "Jake & Jack" by Rhett Dreams (blackmail, etc) 7, 8, 8
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323903719
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323919789
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323914287
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=324480577
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323908801
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323908807
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=324480583
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323903726
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323914292
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323914298
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323908820
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323903707
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323914305
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323919775
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323903712
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323908825
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323908814
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323919782
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323914312
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323914319
      "The Conspiracy" by Lord Malinov (romance with twists) 
            8, 9, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327655093
      "The Starry Night" by Nick (heavy allegories) 10, 10, 4/10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327426344
      "Lily Meets Rojo" by Senor Rojo (quickie) 7, 7, 8
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=325600930
      "Cruising Cunts" by Jennifer O'Donald (debauchery) 10, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327509172
      "Valentine Jill" by Brother Cadfael (romance) 7, 8, 7
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=325300122

Reposted Reviews:

    * "Igrayne" by Uther Pendragon (knightly sex) 9, 8, 8
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327438217
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327705303
    * "Art Museum" by TRANE and Wildfire Paradise (sex in 
            near-public) 8, 6, 7
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327409393
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327409409

* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
      reposted)

"Beach Balls" by Artie (artie@netgate.net).  This story is fraught 
with ambiguity.  Here's the first paragraph:

"I love playing with my balls on the beach. I can do it for hours 
on end. I love the way they feel in my hands, the way they 
seemingly move on their own as the sea breeze hits them. I don't 
like getting sand on them, but you learn to be careful. It's a 
wonderful feeling; after a few minutes I know I'm smiling, I'm 
relaxed, it's great. Some people give me strange looks as they 
pass by, but I don't care. It feels good. And there are some 
moments of sheer ecstasy -- like when I have all five in the air 
at once."

Only at the end of the paragraph do we realize to our 
disappointment or amusement that the narrator purports to be a 
juggler.

And so, what are we to make of it when the girl says, "I love the 
way your butt wiggles when you do that."

From all appearances, she could be a juggler too.  You'll have to 
ponder that one.

Turns out she's an English teacher and he's a psych prof - USC and 
Stanford, respectively.  So at least we know they'll be discreet, 
as opposed to discrete.

Pretty soon he's teaching her how to play with his balls.  She's a 
klutz, but she has a sort of war talent - I mean raw talent - 
sometimes I get dyslexic when I get turned on..

I learned things from this story that I hadn't known before.  For 
example, a juggler's wand can interfere with his jugglery, and I 
didn't even know there was such a word.  I think it has something 
to do with movement in one's center of gravity or maybe displaced 
attention.  It's just hard, I guess.

I also learned that when a male juggler teaches a female juggler 
to jugg, it's not all bad if she drops one now and then - has 
something to do with optics or geometry.  That plus hardening of 
nipples.

This is a really excellent story!

Ratings for "Beach Balls"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"An Eye Full" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com).  Gary is 
masturbating while peeking at his coworker Maureen, while she 
changes clothes in the women's restroom.  Then he gets caught - 
_flagrante delecto_, as the last Malinov story I read put it.  
This time the person who catches him does NOT just join the fun.

Ratings for "An Eye Full"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"The Substitute" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com).  Wayne and 
Barbara are visiting her Mom and her family.  Barbara leaves Wayne 
alone with Anne overnight, and Wayne learns some interesting 
things about his sister-in-law.

As a character in this story says about the author: " . . . his stories 
are far from perfect, but in a way they're entirely perfect.  _Terribly_ 
funny, these densely woven plots, you read along . . . and then with a 
sudden jerk you find yourself immersed in these full-throttle sex scenes 
. . . "

The sex and the sexual innuendo are both really pretty hot.  This 
is a very good story.

Ratings for "The Substitute"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Truth of Well-Known Sayings" by Bronwen 
(bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).  At first glance this story seems somber: 
the husband has just found out that his brother is dying in middle age.  
The wife comforts the husband and verifies the truth of the adage, "A 
good fuck is the best response to bad news."  I don't know who first 
said that - I doubt that it's in the Bible or in Ben Franklin; but I've 
often found it to be true, especially if the good fuck is with someone 
you really love.

I doubt that this story will lead you to a mind-blowing orgasm. As the 
well-know saying goes, "Sorry about that."

Ratings for "The Truth of Well-Known Sayings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Locksmiths" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  Set in the context 
of Valentine's day, this story can most simply be described as a 
description of several firsts - her first time, his first time, their 
first time with each other - plus a few other first times.  As I have 
come to expect from this author, the story is both sensitive and sexy - 
again demonstrating that normal, moral people with consciences can 
actually have happy, romantic sex lives.  The preceding statement is 
ironic, but you'll have to read the story to find out why.

The author tries an interesting technique.  During important sexual 
scenes, he views the action and emotions from the perspective of both 
participants.  He accomplishes this by arranging the story at those 
points in two columns: one showing HIS perspective and the other HERS.  
This would work a lot better if the story were disseminated in a word-
processor format (like Microsoft Word) that permitted the use of columns 
or tables.  As it is, the text comes jumbled (with a half-line of each 
perspective on each text line), so that it is difficult to read these 
important portions of the story.  I got around this problem by inserting 
tab keys at appropriate places.  The result was a slightly jagged left 
margin for the right column (since I didn't put tabs in every line), but 
I was easily able to read both columns correctly.  It seems likely that 
there is a better solution - perhaps knowing what font and size type the 
author used would enable readers to set their screen to the same size 
and font.

The irony in this story is that the teenage daughter feels oppressed by 
her "unromantic" parents, who seem intent on only one thing: preventing 
her from having any fun, especially fun that involves sex.  In reality, 
the parents are aware of the daughter's emerging sexuality: in fact, 
they have "been there" themselves.  Like many parents, they simply want 
their daughter eventually to have a happy rather than an exploited sex 
life when she is eventually ready for it.

Overall, this is one of the best stories by an author who writes a lot 
of very good stories.  I know I say that often, but I think it's true 
every time I say it.

Ratings for "Locksmiths"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Back Rub" by G Smith (gsmith@hotmail.com).  This story consists of  
a little over 8000 words about a back rub.  Well , not just a back rub - 
also a front rub, a clit massage, and a few other forms of foreplay 
leading up to full vaginal penetration.  But it starts out as a back rub 
from one coworker to another.

It seems that Marty has left G a voice-mail message, indicating that she 
has had a rough day.  G decides to drop by and give Marty a back rub.  
He does so very nicely, and one thing leads to another, and they 
discover that they have both been hot for each other for a while.  Now 
they are even hotter.

The author says this is his first story.  I hope his second story is 
equally good.

Ratings for "The Back Rub"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Chocolate Cock" by Unknown Author (posted by Avril - avrilc@usa.net).  
This is an appetizing - if non-nutritious - story.  The woman coats her 
husband's private parts with chocolate and then treats him pretty much 
like an ice-cream sundae - to his own enjoyment as well as her own.  
This story lacks full plot development, but it's still a very nice 
fantasy.

Ratings for "Chocolate Cock"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Xena and Gabrielle" by Unknown Author (posted by Bart - 
bart@mail.cabc.cba.com).  Xena and Gabrielle are doing their 
military training in the forest.  They become hot for each other 
and play their furry fiddles together.  This is kind of 
interesting - it contains authentic-looking Greek allusions and we 
can visualize the actresses from TV in these roles; but methinks 
this plot has been used before.

Ratings for "Xena and Gabrielle"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Ladies in Heat" by A Pulp Fan (pulpfan@anon.nymserver.com). Guest 
review by Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).

A well-written story about an afternoon between two women.  It sounds 
simple, and in a way it is.  Rosabel and Nellie, left alone to kill an 
afternoon, decide to play cards. A couple of hands, some very intimate 
conversations and stories, a little wine... well okay, it's obvious, but 
it really doesn't matter.

The only criticisms are minor, and do not detract from the story.  The 
introduction does tend to introduce the whole 'crime-fighting team', but 
the story really only deals with the two women.  The scene really could 
be set anywhere, with any characters.  The information is almost 
extraneous.  I said almost, it's not a glaring problem.  I suppose it is 
a fan-fic piece for people who enjoyed "The Avenger"; so it would be a 
plus for those who are familiar is that the characters are familiar (and 
extra, it works without knowing the series).

The time period is vague, although in the intro references to the 40s is 
made.  I went and looked it up when I first read the piece (usually I 
put them aside and read a second time before writing the review).... 
Another World is in its 42nd season - that would place the story in the 
mid-50s.  I know, someone is saying who cares?  Just that when I read it 
I started thinking... wow, has it been on for 50 years?  I couldn't 
figure out exactly when air conditioning was invented (or worked on), 
but I'll give the author that one, since major crime fighting 
organizations have always had access to 'neat' techie things.

Good story, well worth the read.

Ratings for "Ladies in Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 10

"In Our Tenth Year On The Yellow Brick Road" by Jordan Shelbourne  
(jordan@u36.com). Guest review by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com). 
Jordan's archive is at http://www.u36.com/jordan/front.html.

I guess this would fall under the category of fan-fiction since it asks 
the question what would happen if Dorothy and her three companions took 
ten years to get to the emerald city.  Why Dorothy would grow up to be a 
woman with needs and desires and three rather odd companions.   Those 
companions, of course, are the cowardly lion, the tin-man without a 
heart (but with a tin phallus they didn't show in the movie version) and 
the straw man.  

I'll admit there was a part of me that screamed out against liking this 
story, simply because it went against my images and conceptions of the 
characters. The author however writes extraordinarily well, and so it 
was easy enough to follow the story.  There's no hard hitting sex here, 
and very little in the way of excitement.  The straw man narrates the 
story as Dorothy satisfies herself first with the lion and then the tin 
man.

The twist that makes this worthwhile is the straw man (perpetually soft) 
and his desire to be with Dorothy as his companions are.  Again I review 
an unrequited love story from Jordan, but because of the fan-fiction and 
fantasy aspects, it isn't quite as appealing.  This is however one of 
the more unique stories you're likely to find floating around on the net 
and it's probably worth reading for just that reason.  

Ratings for "In Our Tenth Year On The Yellow Brick Road"
Athena (technical quality): 10 -- Top notch.
Venus (plot & character): 9 -- An interesting idea.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 8 -- You might want to take a look.

"Jake & Jack" by Rhett Dreams (repost, no address available). Guest 
review by Fiddler.  

"Start with an earthquake," the Hollywood advice goes, "and work up."  
Rhett Dreams does that.  Jake and Jack (O'Leary) are twin sons of a 
widowed police lieutenant.  Jake is the narrator.  They photograph their 
sister Cathy in the nude and also taking drugs.  They blackmail her into 
having both oral and vaginal sex with them.  This is chapter 1 of a 20-
chapter book, and I ended it puzzled by what the author could do to keep 
the action escalating.

Soon, however, the action moves to Jake's new girlfriend, Sophie 
Patterson, and her family.  They engage in as many M-F and F-F 
combinations as Jake, father, mother, boy, and two girls can manage, 
including anal and D/S.  In one sense this is a standard "let's see how 
many taboos we can break" story.

And yet: a decent amount of effort is put into developing some of the 
characters;  the entire discussion of rehabbing an old house and the 
relationships within the police department are more fully developed than 
usual in this sort of story;  the black family, if brought in from left 
field late in the book, is handled with realism and without any shock 
attempts;  Jake and Sophie have some dates before they fall into bed.

On the other hand:  the language is pedestrian when it is not simply 
wrong;  Cathy treats her brothers like shit before they blackmail her, 
and kindly ever after;  Sophie goes out on her first date at sixteen, is 
deflowered a month later, and starts fellatio and D/S the same night;  
she has her hymen several inches up her vagina;  the two Patterson 
adults have totally pedestrian sex for 16 years before they are turned 
on to kinkiness, and then both embrace all forms of kinkiness 
immediately;  except for a bit of token resistance to incest from Cathy, 
nobody suggests any sort of sex without the other party's enthusiastic 
agreement;  the author mixes up Bob and Bill and, incredibly, Jack and 
Jake.

If you want a standard "every prick in every hole" story, you'll get it 
and more.  If you want a story of believable people, you'll just miss.

Ratings for "Jake and Jack"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 8

"The Conspiracy" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). Guest review by 
Fiddler.  

Lord Malinov has been writing a story every day for two months now.  The 
only way for these to be reviewed is for seven guest reviewers to take a 
day of the week each.  I'll take Saturdays.

This is not really a story, it is the draft of a story.  It would 
benefit from a week in the compost barrel and a proof reader.  That 
said, it is the draft of one fine story, and a real one, 13K.  Part of 
the game seems to be that Malinov writes them and posts them the same 
day;  he apparently uses a spellchecker, but not the sort of human 
proofreader who would say, "you mean 'up TO here,' not 'up THE here.'"

Mark and Jennifer are former lovers and present friends.  Jennifer has 
the hots for Phil, a friend of Alicia's who doesn't see Jennifer as 
sexy.  So Alicia brings Phil out on the balcony a slightly-open glass 
door away from Jennifer's bedroom. In that bedroom, by prearrangement, 
Mark and Jennifer are staging a very sexy reunion.  That's the plot; 
since it's by Malinov, there are subplots and counterplots.

If you are looking for a sexy story, you could do a lot worse. If you 
enjoy Malinov's sort of tight-rope act, you couldn't do better.

Ratings for "The Conspiracy"
Athena (technical quality):  8
Venus (plot & character):  9
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 10

"The Starry Night" by Nick. Guest review by BillyG.  

Celeste's reviews are of stories which are, for the most part, submitted 
by authors from A.S.S.M.  Largely sex stories, if not sensuous stories. 
After reading "The Starry Night," I wondered, 'What's a nice girl like 
you doing in a place like this?'

Nick's offering, which takes its name from a Vincent Van Gogh painting, 
is not sensuous and not even close to being sexy.  In fact, it has 
almost nothing to do with anything erotic.  Oh, there are dark allusions 
to unnamed and frightening practices, presumably sexual in nature, for 
one of the central figures is a very expensive Oriental prostitute who 
has been hired for an afternoon of . . . well, we never really know.  
Other things happened, more compelling with allegorical currents that 
left me a bit bemused and with the feeling that something deeper and 
quite significant was happening just below the surface and out of my 
sight.

The protagonist is a hard man who believes in very little outside 
himself, whose means always justify his ends, and who holds closely the 
right of force and the power of money. His dark and harsh nature are 
given expression when he hires a very expensive prostitute for uncertain 
and presumably dangerous acts - only later to discover the Oriental 
woman has an exceptional deep talent for art, thus his reference to Van 
Gogh's "The Starry Night."

I'll avoid discussing the remainder of the story, for I think it must be 
viewed first hand to fully experience the feeling of despair and 
incomprehensible depression.  

The tale is neither light-hearted nor sexy.  Rather, it's one of 
symbolic representation, a story of largely hidden abstract ideas, 
perhaps meaningful in some parallel deeper sense.  

My reactions to the story are mixed.  It's well crafted and technically 
almost flawless. It's tense and moving to be sure.  Yet, when it was 
over, I thought of Peggy Lee.  "Is that all there is?"

Ratings for "The Starry Night"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 4 as a sex story and 10 as a compelling
      tale.

"Lily Meets Rojo" by Senor Rojo (senor_rojo@Bigfoot.com).  Guest review 
by Kim.  The author's stories are archived at 
ftp://ftp.asstr.ml.org/pub/Authors/sr_rojo/index.html.

Hey, a short story to review for a change. Lily, a young Chinese woman, 
meets Juan Rojo in an elevator after a hard day's work at COMDEX. A 
quick exchange of pleasantries and wham, they're back in Lily's hotel 
room getting much better acquainted. A bout of oral sex later and 
they're both fast asleep.

And, erm, that's it!

Senor Rojo has a pretty odd way with words, it has to be said, veering 
from fascinating to tortuous. I get the feeling that English is not his 
first language. As such it's pretty damn good. A whole lot better than 
my Japanese is anyway.

But for all that, there are quite a few typos, and grammatical mistakes, 
or just plain odd phrasing. None of which bothered me unduly, as it's 
such a short piece. I'd be a lot more pained had the story been a long 
one. Plot-wise it's virtually non-existent. But again, in such a short 
piece it's near impossible to establish one of any meaning.

An interesting story then, but maybe not for all the reasons the author 
intended.

Comments on this review to Ghost@nym.alias.net

Ratings for "Lily Meets Rojo"
Athena (technical quality): 7 (Fascinating, but wayward)
Venus (plot & character): 7 (Nearly impossible to do much, in so 
      short a space)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 8 (I kinda liked it, but maybe for the 
      wrong reasons)

"Cruising Cunts" by Jennifer O'Donald (reposted by Avril - 
avrilc@usa.net).  Guest review by Father Angelico.

{Father Angelico purports to have a cable TV show on the Internal Word 
Television Network.  The IWTN appears to be nonsensical, and should 
probably not be viewed by people who are easily beguiled by lunatics.}

This is a story about perverts - vile, wicked, depraved, degenerate 
perverts.  As the author herself says, "Only a sick, perverted woman 
could actually want to go down on another woman."  And that's what this 
woman does with an evil and ugly biker bitch.  Repeatedly.

This sinner raises the question, " Could anything that felt so wonderful 
be wrong?"  The answer is yes!  As a matter of fact, almost EVERYTHING 
that feels so wonderful is wrong!

No well-dressed, sexy young lady like this should "flash her muff at a 
total stranger outside a coliseum and boldly take the guy's hand and 
lead him to the parking lot." This could be misconstrued as an 
invitation to engage in debauchery! "Never been turned down, indeed!"  
Come to me, and I'll turn thee down!  I'll turn thee over my knee and 
spank thy little ass!

I make haste to point out that the purpose of semen is to implant 
progeny in the womb of mothers - certainly not to be consumed for liquid 
nourishment, especially from the chalice of a lesbian accumulatrix.

This Jezebel is so evil that she even lies about penile immensity in 
order to arouse a potential partner.

This was a despicable story!

Ratings for "Cruising Cunts"
{Note from Celeste: simply subtract the padre's scores from 10, and 
you'll get a reasonable approximation of Venus and Celeste.}
Grammar (technical quality): 10 (Even the devil can do good 
      grammar!
Purity (plot & character): 0 (These are depraved people!)
Holiness (appeal to reviewer): 0 (Woe unto thee....!)

"Valentine Jill" by Brother Cadfael (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com). 
Guest review by Mark Aster.

OK, so here I am sitting by the fire with the cat, women and children 
all tucked into beds, thinking deep literary thoughts about erotica.  
How much does the writing-stuff, the stuff about grammar and composition 
and narrative logic and flow, matter. Compared, say, to the sex and 
romance?

"Valentine Jill", by Brother Cadfael, is a well-conceived soft and 
romantic story of two people who have been friends but never met, 
finally getting together and finding that their distant love catches 
afire quite nicely in proximity, and they make love.  The sex is pretty 
hot, but tenderly and emotionally described.

On the other hand, I have qualms about the literary stuff.  I'd like 
this to be a first draft.  There are "it's"s that should be "its", and a 
"lightening" that should be "lightning".  There is a corset that she's  
apparently wearing OVER her dress, if the order of shedding is to be  
believed (aren't corsets obsolete UNDERclothing? Perhaps I'm just out  
of touch).  There's the unexplained fact that they've been carrying out 
a courtship with the phone and letters, and never met in person (how  do 
you meet someone on the phone? I need an explanation there), but he 
knows that her skin is soft (has she sent him photos in which it just 
looks soft?).  He checks into a hotel and goes to sleep, and she shows 
up less than an hour later.  If he was expecting her, why did he go to 
sleep?  If he wasn't expecting her, why wasn't he at all surprised when 
she showed up?

I could go on a bit (and I probably will).  The basic idea seems to be 
to build up tension by having them initially a bit shy or virginal with 
each other, but in fact what happens is they kiss a little, she undoes 
his pants, they fall onto the bed, she spreads her legs, they fuck.  
Then some light B&D.  But all described in a very tender and emotional 
way that doesn't quite fit the action that's occurring.  And some 
sentences need work; I will be cruel and single out "Her lips quickly 
shed the soft  white clothing of a delicate virgin and took to his mouth 
with an urgency" and "He threw another thorn at the prospect of his 
feelings and banished  them for availing themselves so soon."  Both are 
too showy and complex; nearly incomprehensible.

But it's basically a good story.  Simplify the sentences, decide how 
slow and romantic the sex and the wording should be and make them agree, 
get the hyphen out of "make-love" and decapitalize "Vanilla", think 
about corsets and hotels, and I'd like the result a lot.

So what numbers should I give this?  I hate numbers.  I hope these do 
not offend anyone!  If the author wants vengeance, he can ask me for a 
personal and detailed line-by-line critique, as though we were in a 
Writer's Circle, and I will provide it upon request...

Athena: 7 (typos, inconsistencies, odd usages)
Venus: 8 (potentially strong plot and character, needs cleaning up)
Mark: 7 (I was, cat notwithstanding, too distracted by the literary 
      stuff)

* "Igrayne" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  This author 
writes under the pseudonym of the father of King Arthur.  It was 
Uther Pendragon - not his son Arthur - who established the Round 
Table on Merlyn's advice. Uther later found his true heir (Arthur) 
through the ole sword-in-the-stone test.  In this story, Uther is 
perceived through Merlyn's sorcery by the defenders of the castle 
to be the their Duke.  And as the Duke he gets to make love to the 
duchess (the eventual mother of King Arthur), which indeed he does 
in excruciating detail.  It's good to have a sorcerer on your 
side; in this case Merlyn even supplied Uther with an herb that 
had an enchantment against morning breath.  Imagine that.  

Through the use of descriptive language and metaphors the story 
attempts to create an atmosphere that makes the age of chivalry 
come alive.  That approach worked; but I personally found the 
descriptions of sexual activity to be TOO detailed - almost 
tedious.  I found myself thinking something like, "Alright, 
already!  Fuck her and get on with your life!"

Ratings for "Igrayne"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "Art Museum" by Trane and Wildfire Paradise (Repost from 
who@why.not). {This is a repost of a review from my very first 
issue of CR.}  The interesting thing about this story is that it 
was coauthored by two people over the Throbnet BBS.  As near as I 
can figure, the two authors have never actually met in person.  
The story's format consists of several reciprocal e-mail 
transmissions among the authors, in which each message builds upon 
the story as it has been set up by the preceding message.  In 
these messages the authors evolve a story about two people making 
love in a limousine on a ferry boat on the way home from the 
Seattle Art Museum.  At times the authors seem to want to 
coordinate their efforts; and at other times they seem determined 
to throw a curve ball to the other by changing the situation 
abruptly to see what the other will do next.  It's an interesting 
format, and it results in a sexy story.  On the negative side, I 
think the authors followed the sex story formulas a little too 
closely - getting in one and only one of every position and every 
term for a pussy or cock.  In addition, although I liked the give-
and-take atmosphere, it would have been possible to do some 
editing at the end of the joint project to coordinate things just 
a little better. Finally, if they're going to call the story "Art 
Museum" instead of "Ferry Ride," it would have been nice to bring 
art into the story a little more.  All in all, however, this was a 
pretty good story.

Ratings "Art Museum"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7


