Celestial Reviews 227 - October 22, 1997

Note: A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.  The doctor 
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the 
window. Right away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed, he 
begins to stroke her thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do 
you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological 
abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her 
breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then begins to have sexual 
intercourse with the woman.  He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing 
now?"

"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."

Second note:  This older couple met at a bar and one thing led to 
another and he ended up going to her place.  Things got hot and heavy 
and pretty soon clothes started coming off.  She stopped and said, 
"Before we go any further, I have to tell you I have acute angina."  
"That's good," he says, "Because your tits are sure ugly."

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "The High Plane" by Unknown Author (mile-high sex)
            10, 10, 10
      "Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (after the sex)
            10, 10, 9
      "Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (on-stage threesome)
            10, 10, 10
      "The Visit" V.P. Viddler (sexual cruelty) 10, 8, 3
      "Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (voyeurism & hot sex)
            10, 10, 10
      "The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund (humping the Mistress)
            10, 9, 9
      "Video Knights In Katmandu" by  F. Alyque Simbal (porn movie)
            10, 7, 5
      "Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (emerging adolescent fantasy)
            10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews: 

      "Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (slightly furry sex) 4, 9, 9.5
      "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author 
            (juvenile humor) 5, 2, 0
      "Xena: The Bed of the Beast" by Ray Antonio (superhero sex)
            10, 10, 10
      "Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards (festival
            sex) 2, 5, 3

Reposted Reviews:

    * "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (nostalgia & romance) 10, 10, 10
    * "The Love Boat" by  Ann Douglas (ff romance) 9, 10, 10
    * "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (sexy memories & romance)
            10, 10, 10
    * "Awakenings" by Annette (virgin to slut transition)
            10, 10, 10
    * "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (wedding orgy) 10, 10, 10
    * "May" by Eli the Bearded (work break) 9.5, 10, 10
    * "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by 
            Unknown Author (three-way) 5, 5, 5

"The High Plane" by Unknown Author (Reposted by Bookman Archives).  This 
is another one of those stories about people who get high on sex in 
airplanes.  Imagine that.  Yes, imagine that!  I'm a member of the mile-
high club myself.  The thrill lies in the possibility of detection even 
if you try to be careful plus the knowledge that you're getting by with 
something about which the other people around you are unaware - or 
almost unaware, as is the case in this story.  The author combines two 
elements - the secret tryst of the lovers in first class plus their 
observation by another passenger - to make this a really good story.

Ratings for "The High Plane"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-
neck.ny.us).  In this case the author simply wanted to try a story that 
begins AFTER the sex.  So what we have is the narrator doing very nice 
but not sexually explicit things to the woman to whom he has just 
finished making love.  It's not pornography, but it's very romantic.

Ratings for "Special Treatment"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  Sometimes I wonder 
where Mike Hunt gets his ideas for these stories; then I remember - 
these things all really happened to him.  It must be really easy to 
write titillating stories when your life has been just one long series 
of barely interrupted sexual escapades.

In this episode, Mike Hunt has gone to a business meeting in LA, but he 
picks up the wrong luggage at the airport.  His wife June calls to tell 
him that a woman at another hotel has his suitcase, which is identical 
to his (hence the title).  When he takes a cab to the other hotel to 
switch luggage, he discovers that the person with his luggage is a 
beautiful woman with a sister who looks exactly like her (hence the 
title).  To make a long story short (which is the purpose of a 
synopsis), the women are strippers in town for a show; but Mike Hunt 
ruins one set of their clothes, and so he has to join them in a modified 
act during which he has sex with them on stage in front of the Royal 
Order of the Beaver.

This is Mike Hunt at his charming, witty best!

Ratings for "Identical Twins"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Visit" V.P. Viddler (Reposted by <spamhater@spam-be-gone.net>).  
When I saw about 50 stories by this author being reposted, I decided I 
would review one myself and ask a guest reviewer to do another.  
However, I couldn't get a guest reviewer to accept the challenge.  They 
all took one look and commented something like, "I'm interested in sex 
stories, not torture stories."  

When I read this one, I saw exactly what they meant.  The story is well 
written, in the sense that the grammar is mostly correct and the events 
follow one another in a meaningful order.  But the plot is illogical in 
the sense that the man inflicts terrible and absolutely silly pain and 
humiliation on the woman, and she enjoys it - and there's not even a 
hint of an explanation why this should be so.

I have seen good stories that examine the mind of demented people.  
Edgar Alan Poe has written several excellent stories of this kind; but 
Poe's stories make sense in a deranged way.  This story gave me no 
rationale to explain either the cruel behavior or the woman's acceptance 
of it.

In addition, I know that there are lots of normal women who enjoy 
fantasizing about being raped; but even that is not possible with this 
story.  To use an analogy, fantasizing over this story would be like 
fantasizing over the "pleasures" of being whacked in the head with a 
two-by-four or of repeatedly vomiting and then re-swallowing the vomit.

If you're one of the people in the world who just likes descriptions of 
sick and bizarre behavior (and I hope there are not many of you), then 
this whole series may be of interest to you.  Otherwise, don't go here 
if you're looking for hot and sexy stories.

Ratings for "The Visit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar.  The author of this story is from 
India.  I received several of these stories from a person who said that 
the Indian connection to the Internet was sort of tenuous.  Anyway, I am 
reviewing three of the stories in this issue; but I'll wait to see if 
they actually start showing up in the newsgroup before I review any more 
of them.  Meanwhile, just in case these stories don't show up after all, 
I'll include the following mini-story, which is loosely related to 
India, which is what Christopher Columbus was looking for when he 
discovered America, which is why I received no snail mail a week ago 
Monday.

A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago, and he finds an old lamp. 
He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie 
offers to grant him one wish. The man replies, "I've always wanted to be 
lucky."

The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this 
will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a 
bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the ten-spot, he notices an OTB 
betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing 
lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the 
Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and the horse 
bolts from behind in the stretch to win the race.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to a local illegal casino, fronts 
up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky 
seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying, but he has to go to the bathroom.  However, he 
chooses the wrong door and winds up in an underground brothel instead.  
As he enters, all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and is 
handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm 
around him and says in an Oriental accent, "Welcome sir! We have much 
pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer. You 
have won the right to enjoy the pleasures from any girl who works here, 
absolutely free of charge."

The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl <aha 
- the connection!>; and so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In 
strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not 
much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and they are 
field testing the Karma Sutra.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the woman, "You are one of the 
most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how 
lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian 
women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sa'ib {I made that part 
up - the rest is true, except the Sa'ib}, I am here to please you and 
succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please 
scratch off my caste mark."

So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back 
and starts laughing hysterically.

"What's wrong, Sa'ib, what's wrong?" asks the Indian woman.

The guy replies, "You're never going to believe this - I've just won a 
car!"

Anyway, the previous paragraphs are completely unrelated to the current 
story, which is about a taxi driver who first watches a couple engage in 
really heavy petting in the back seat of his cab and then has wild and 
wonderful sex with the young woman after he deposits her boyfriend at 
his destination.  This is an extremely well written story that maintains 
sexual tension and interest most effectively.  Watch for it when it 
arrives from the East!

Of course, we all know that they speak English on the subcontinent, but 
what you may not know is that zippers go "krik" when flies come open in 
India and cabbies "judder" across intersections - at least when they are 
voyeurizing the couple in the back seat.  But the linguistic differences 
are minor: they still shoot cum, swallow jizz, and shout "Ohfuckyes!" 
while doing so.  They also have access to some sex drugs that work a lot 
better than anything I've heard of in the U.S., but then I just say 
"Ohfuckno!" to drugs anyway.

Ratings for "Pit Stop"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund.  This is another one of the stories 
from my Indian Connection.  This one is about a wealthy woman giviing 
her chauffeur sausage and eggs between the legs.  Some things are the 
same the world over - muscular young gigolos have to make a living.  
{I'm not sure that's the correct plural of "gigolo" - Where is Dan 
Quayle when you really need him?}  Like the stateside version of many 
such stories, this one was not as hot as it could have been: I needed to 
see something else happening besides the mistress being humped by the 
servant and liking it while he called her a "dirty whore.  On the other 
hand, this is still a pretty good story.

I am perhaps preoccupied with potentially unique subcontinental 
expressions, and so I was impressed when "her servant's huge, hot, 
glorious penis surged into her wet, clonic cunt."  Look that one up in 
your Fuck and Wagnall's.

Ratings for "The Real Thing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Video Knights In Katmandu" by  F. Alyque Simbal.  (You have to read the 
author's name phonetically to get it - kind of like Mike Hunt in the 
Black Hole of Calcutta.}  This is the third and final of the three 
stories from India that I plan to review at this time.  This one is a 
"story" about what happens on a porn video.  The basic problem is that 
not much "happens" on a porn video - the thing that porn videos are most 
notable for besides sex is that they have no plot.  And so a story about 
a movie that has no plot will also have no plot.

On the other hand, maybe Larry Flint has just opened his first porn 
video store in India, and so Indian men and women might really need this 
information. 

Now the stereotypes kick in.  I know very little about India, except 
what I learned from Bob Hope and Abbott and Costello, but I think they 
have harems and sex slaves over there.  What if this story is written by 
an author whose Master said she had better get high scores from "that 
American Cunt"?  What if as a result of my low ratings for this story, 
the Master makes her strip down to nothing but her nipple clamps and let 
him spank her with a bamboo rod (from Burma, of course) while she licks 
the cunts of the other authors of the harem who have been more 
successful.  Nope - can't do it.  I tried to write bdsm sentence, and 
it's not even as good as my story about the genie.

Ratings for "Video Knights In Katmandu"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (jimfix@home.net).  This is the seventh 
story by Jim Fix that has been reviewed in Celestial Reviews, and all of 
them have gotten high ratings.  One thing that I have noticed is that my 
guest reviewers tend to give him very high ratings in style and plot, 
but slightly lower ratings in "appeal to reviewer."  I can't be sure, 
but I suspect that this is because they have some reservations about the 
ethical or social soundness of the behaviors depicted in the stories.  
That's because this author tends to write about teenagers having sex 
with adults.

This story follows that same pattern.  The young boy gets a job as a 
gardener for a beautiful widow in her 20s, and he quickly discovers that 
the job has fringe benefits that he really likes.  It's not just a 
quick-fuck story; rather the relationship builds from gardening, to 
conversation, to peach cobblers, to wild and passionate orgasms.  

I suspect that some of my guest reviewers reject the simplistic 
reasoning that "if she needs it and he enjoys it, then there's nothing 
wrong with it."  I agree 100% with their rejection - in real life, that 
is.  However, in the minds of teenage boys and men who have almost 
stopped being teenage boys, the notion of sex with the horny widow is 
surpassed in their imaginations only by sex with the lewd and lascivious 
yet lithe and lovely English teacher.

Anyway, if you like this theme (now that you have permission to do so), 
you'll enjoy this story.

Ratings for "Pimples and Demon"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (dez187lm@hotmail.com).  Guest review 
by Bronwen.

This is a slightly furry tale by an author who isn't too hot at either 
spelling or punctuation... He or she can write, though. The atmosphere 
is strongly described, the narrative unforced, and the use of language 
often fresh. If this is an early story I would very much like to see the 
author persist.

Ruthless proofreading would improve this story enormously, but it 
already has more than a flicker of star quality. It's difficult to 
capture the sheer overwhelming intensity of sexual arousal, but H.D. 
Meister makes a powerful attempt. This is how s/he describes the female 
partner's coming down from orgasm:

"Carrie simply fell. The ground had not the strength to even slow her 
descent. Whirling mists tugged at her limbs, her nipples.  Wisps 
caressed her rose petal soft flower. The thunder of life boomed, boomed, 
boomed between her thighs."

A bit baroque for some tastes, perhaps, but it's not clicheed. It 
conveys the subjective experience vividly. This is not the best 
paragraph, just a short example. The writing has passion - which is 
worth a lot to this reviewer.

The plot is confusing, though maybe not if you're a furry aficionado. I 
don't know much about werewolf conventions. Has he turned her into a 
werewolf? Has he overcome his werewolf nature? Is he a werewolf anyway? 
I dunno. 

OTOH, none of these unanswered questions bothered me much. The story's 
atmosphere of mystery, of the unexplained, is not hindered by things 
_being_ unexplained....

Please work on your editing, H.D. Meister - poor grammar & spelling 
stand between the reader and a very good story indeed.

Ratings for "Hunts the Night" 
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 9
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author.  Guest review 
by Bookman.  {This is one of those stories that someone sent me but did 
not put their name with the manuscript itself.  So even though the email 
came with a name, I don't know who wrote this.  After seeing this 
review, I guess maybe that's just as well. - Celeste}

This story reminds me of a joke (he said, postponing the inevitable just 
a little longer).  It seems Elvis's parents didn't like the idea of him 
being called Elvis the Pelvis, because he had a younger brother Eenis.

Are you laughing hysterically?

Well, that's more than you're going to get out of Amazing Adventures of 
P.B.

Synopsis: There's this kid whose parents decided to name Penis, who 
suffers life-long embarrassment about his name, until he's suddenly 
kidnapped by aliens (oh, didn't I tell you about the aliens?  Talk about 
deus ex machina.  Talk about 'out of left field'.  Talk about something 
else.), who can't figure out sex, so they stuff him in an artificial 
vagina, then. . .

Look, folks, I'm not making this up.  Oh, forget it.

Which is also probably the best thing to do with this latest entry in 
the Not-Much-Better-Than-Spam Story Contest (you've not heard of this 
contest?  Surely you've seen some of the entries.).  It's not funny, not 
very well written, and there's not even any sex by any recognizable 
description.

Moving on. . .

It is often difficult to combine sex and humor.  Not that sex isn't 
inherently funny. It is. Dirty jokes have been around ever since we 
figured out how to talk; it's just that an explicit, arousing 
description of sex demands a certain concentration, a focus, that humor 
just blasts all to pieces.  The most successful combinations of sex and 
humor--the dirty joke, French farce, Italian commedia dell'arte--get 
away with it by not being explicit.  By not being actually arousing.  By 
skirting the issue, as it were.  Or, in the case of the dirty joke, 
combining the two, but not at the same time; explicit sex here, funny 
comment there.  It's illuminating to note that, while many X-rated 
movies are built around an extended dirty joke, the sex ends once the 
punch line is delivered.  It's almost impossible to maintain a sexy mood 
while somebody's laughing.

It would be a challenge worthy of the best writers we have to write a 
genuinely funny/simultaneously explicitly sexy story.  Anybody wish to 
pick up the gauntlet?

Ratings for "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy"
Athena (technical): 5 (it was at least legible)
Minerva (general appeal): 2
Apollo: (appeal to reviewer): 0 (total waste of time.  The only
       reason we didn't go into negative numbers was 
      because it wasn't disgusting.)

"Xena: The Blood of the Beast" by Ray Antonio 
(antonior@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu,  reposted by Dungeon Master 
<dungeon@dngnbbs.com>. Guest Review by Piper

What happens when you mix Xena, a corrupt government, slavers, evil 
warlords, a kidnapped princess, some wizards, and a fortress floating on 
the back of a giant turtle?  You get madness, mayhem, and a story worthy 
of becoming a movie of the week.

This is the last, the longest, and the best of this batch of Xena 
stories.  It's almost as long as all the others put together.  At the 
same time, it's as good as all the others put together.

The author states that this story is set after Hercules defeats Xena and 
puts her on the path to goodness, and before Xena meets Gabrielle and 
gains a travelling companion.  So, no Gabby.  Instead, Xena hooks up 
with one of the kidnapped princess's personal guard.  He's young, tall, 
well-built, and good looking (of course).  He's also striking out on his 
own to try and rescue the princess.  Naturally, Xena decides to help 
out.

Technically, this is a very tight story.  I was hard-pressed to find any 
typos or misused words.  Even the English usage, while sometimes not as 
sharp as it could be, is still better than the average a.s.s. posting.  
The only thing this story lacks is a lot of sex.  What there is fits in 
well with the plot and storyline, and in my opinion, forcing more in 
would actually intrude.  There is lots of sexual situations and 
innuendo, of course, and a fair dollop of NC stuff (what else would you 
expect from slavers) to keep you titillated.  This lack, in my opinion, 
is not a deficiency for this story.  Instead, there is detail, plot, 
character development, angst, anticipation, and fun.  A great read for 
people who happen to like adventure stories that actually contain story.

Ratings for ""Xena: The Blood of the Beast"
      Technical merit    10
      Plot and character 10
      Appeal to reviewer 10

"Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards 
(heminway@epix.net). Guest review by Wherryman.

"New Orleans" is a short story about a brief encounter during the hurly-
burly of Mardi Gras.

I was tempted to stop my review there but Celeste's readers expect 
depth, insight, and on occasion, blood - so here goes...

At first I found the style annoying; bitty sentences, idiosyncratic 
phrasing, and paragraphs that seemed to be out of order, all made it 
difficult to follow. (Read paragraph 3 first.) I could see what the 
author was trying to do; recreate the bustle and excitement of carnival 
time, where everything seems to be happening at the same time. It didn't 
work but was I being hasty? I re-read it.

This time round it was the odd phrasing that leapt out at me, bringing a 
smile to face - not the author's intention, unfortunately.  Here are 
some samples:
- Blue eyes searched out her companions, but they found my  eyes still 
riveted to her.  (Dr. Frankenstein strikes again)
- My hands gripped her firm ass cheeks and pulling them apart. (Ouch) - 
She unstraddled my hips, (An erotic technique I'm not familiar with.)

Sorry but not even Celeste's proof-reading could save this one - the 
proof-reader would qualify for top billing.

Ratings for "New Orleans"
Technical merit 2
Plot & character 5
Appeal to reviewer 3

* "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net).  Ann Douglas 
placed four stories among my Top 100 of 1995.  I have been keeping 
a running list for 1996; and if I had to post that list right now, 
she'd make it four more times.  She'd make it even more often, 
except that irritating proofreading errors get in the way.  In 
short, she writes very good stories.  Let me tell you her secrets 
to success.  

First, she writes stories that contain vivid, realistic portrayals 
of hot sex.  Nearly all the stories on this newsgroup contain sex, 
and a lot of them contain hot sex.  What Ann Douglas does is to 
write vivid, realistic portrayals of hot sex.  

Second, her characters are normal people.  Some of them are also 
typical; but all of them are normal.  Although some bible thumpers 
would disagree, most of the protagonists are basically moral 
people.  Nearly everything that happens in her stories (except 
maybe in the sci fi and comic book stories) is something that my 
husband or I have done or could do or at least know somebody else 
who has done it.  These people are not depraved predators, sex-
starved sluts, contortionists with 12-inch penises, or generally 
dysfunctional sex maniacs.  I have a soft spot in my heart (as 
well as somewhere else) for all the people covered in the previous 
sentence; but readers like myself do like to read about normal 
people.  I get the impression that some people would disagree with 
me on this point; Ann's characters - they would say - are not 
normal, because they are lesbians or at least bisexual.  I am not 
a lesbian.  I think I could enjoy lesbian or bisexual activity; 
but I won't, because I have made a life-choice not to.  In spite 
of this, however, Ann's characters make perfect sense to me.  A 
very large number of readers feel this way.  We enjoy Ann's 
stories because her characters act the way we think we would act 
(or would like to act) in similar situations.

Third, Ann embeds her hot, realistic sex and normal characters in 
plots that are intelligent and well developed.   A lot of authors 
try to do this, and several succeed. What Ann and many of the 
other successful authors do is integrate the sex with the plot in 
an effective manner.  Some authors who try to develop a plot fail 
because they spend too much time on details that have no 
connection with the sex.  One of Ann's greatest strengths is that 
while she is developing details, she is also developing sexual 
anticipation by describing events and information that give us the 
feeling that something exciting is going to happen and then later 
make the sexual activities more interesting when they finally 
occur.

Ann also uses other techniques effectively.  For example, she's a 
pro at the story-within-a-story technique; and her plots are often 
set in exotic places or focus on important social issues.  But I'm 
convinced that the three techniques described in the preceding 
paragraphs are what make this author's stories so consistently 
good.

There!  Now that you know all this, you yourself can compose 
stories that are every bit as good as those written by this 
author.

The present story is about Connie D'Angelo and her relationship 
with her granddaughter and her memories of her own sexual 
awakening during adolescence in the 1950's.  Just read the story!  
It does an excellent job of implementing the techniques I 
described earlier in this review.

Ratings for "Deja Vu"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net).  This is NOT 
a parody of the American sitcom - which was pronounced "The 
Loooooove Boat," with a lovey-dovey cutesy intonation that's 
impossible to duplicate without sound.  No, this is a simple story 
about two woman who go together for a vacation {i.e., holiday for 
Brits} on a cruise ship that has been chartered for all lesbians - 
except for their naive little selves.  Let's see - Ann Douglas, 
non-lesbians in a lesbian atmosphere - I wonder what will happen!

Well, as you may have guessed, both women begin to wonder what it 
would be like to make love to another woman, and pretty soon they 
become involved in sapphic delights.  However, this is not a 
purely lesbian story.  While the women are clarifying their sexual 
identity, there are numerous flashbacks to their prior 
heterosexual escapades, and the mf snapshots are just about as hot 
as the ff scenes.

A grammatical note: A female person with light colored hair is a 
blonde.  However, her hair itself is blond.  That is, the "e" is 
properly added to the word "blonde" only when it is a noun meaning 
"a blonde person" or when it directly modifies an entire blonde 
person, not just a part of her body.  So my blonde friend has a 
blond pussy.  Well, not really; it's brown.  But if she were a 
real blonde, her hair would be blond not blonde. Lots of people 
spell these words differently, but the way I have described is the 
way it's supposed to be. Men are usually blonds - without the "e."  
However, in this story we had an anomalously bearded blonde 
bartender.

This story had more grammatical errors than most of Ann's recent 
stories, but it was still a delightfully romantic and sexy story.

Ratings for "The Love Boat"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  Bob and 
Jeanette Brennan are moving out of their apartment. It was "Bob and 
Jeanette" who had moved into this apartment; it is" the Brennans" are 
moving out.  These two people are really in love.  Sometimes it's 
nauseating.  I sometimes feel the urge to exit one of these Bob and 
Jeanette stories and read a more wholesome, realistic rape and torture 
story.  But then I keep reading, and I am invariably glad I did.

I have friends who tease me about my own marriage.  They are certain 
that I am either simple-minded or lying: nobody can be this happy all 
the time sleeping with the same man.  {Actually, some of them are 
certain that nobody could be this happy sleeping with ANY VARIETY of 
men.}  It would get boring, they say; and sometimes it does.  Some of my 
friends know what hell is really like, because they have been married.  
What's nice about the Bob and Jeanette stories is that they are 
realistically and blissfully happy.  They have their ordinary lives 
where they struggle together with mundane problems, but their genuine 
love for each other is a source of strength, stability, and happiness.  
At times it gets to where their sex life would HAVE to become boring; 
but by God, somehow it gets even better.

I had a friend who was in the perfect marriage.  She got divorced last 
year.  I was disillusioned.  This author has a responsibility to keep 
Bob and Jeanette together.  They're the main source of stability in the 
lives of millions of readers throughout the uncensored world.  Please, 
please - don't let them go the way of Bo and Billie or the other people 
on the soaps.

These people have become my friends.  I was actually excited to hear 
that Jeanette has learned French!  Ooops... I don't want to spoil the 
surprise for you.  They keep t'aiming and t'adoring as they drive across 
the country to their new home in Boston, where Bob will continue his 
education and Jeanette will get a job to continue to make that education 
possible.

The story is a really outstanding blend of current events and past 
memories; and the memories themselves are a wonderful blend of things I 
myself know (from previous stories) and new information from the Early 
Life and Courtship of Bob and Jeanette; and those memories are a 
delightful blend of ideas and events that overlap with my own life and 
things completely new to me.  And the blends are very sexy.

Come to think of it, in some ways Bob is even better than my husband.  
For example, as far as I can see, Bob never farts during really intimate 
moments.  I think Bob may also be better with his hands, although my 
husband still seems to have the edge with regard to his tongue.

I am reminded of my daughter, who makes a similar comment about her 
birthday each and every year - this is the best Bob and Jeanette story 
ever!

Ratings for "Voortrekkers"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Awakenings" by Annette.  The young lady is a naive virgin who 
has just graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on 
is the thought that when a man penetrates her for the first time 
it will be to shoot live ammunition at an unprotected target. She 
gets all churned up at the idea of totally unprotected sex with an 
even chance of being put in the family way. When a rich guy she 
really likes comes on strong to her, she tells him her feelings 
and says she's just not quite ready yet.  Naive?  Well, sort of; 
but she certainly knows how to keep Alan at bay!

She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly 
before the wedding he gets called away for work for two months 
overseas, and she goes on a cruise.  The cruise ship is a 
veritable stud farm; and she mates with the ships mate. Not to 
worry; he'll use a condom.  Ooops!  To hell with the condom; he'll 
withdraw.  Ooops!  To hell with withdrawal; he has a supply of the 
RU 462 morning after pill.  Ah! Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits 
say); ten straight days and nights of ecstasy.  Ooops!  If you've 
never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it's easy to confuse them with 
Relaxatabs.

The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to 
ignore them, you can probably do so as well.

Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside 
me.  Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons.  
They give as examples "military intelligence," "governmental 
efficiency," and "honest lawyer."  It may be funny to refer to 
these as oxymorons, because by doing so the speaker is suggesting 
that the military is inherently unintelligent, the government 
inefficient, and lawyers dishonest.  The problem with those 
examples is that they are better examples of humor than of 
oxymorons.  

This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her 
first engorged penis and refers to as "how beautifully ugly!"  
That's a perfect oxymoron.  I once heard the person behind me at a 
wedding ceremony refer to the bride's "utterly ugly beauty" - 
making the point that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was 
not beautiful at all.  There's a famous Latin expression: "festina 
lente" - make haste slowly, or as Yogi Berra put it, "Take your 
time; but hurry up!"   A genuine oxymoron makes a point.  In the 
story, the idea is that the male sex organ fully engorged with 
blood is really pretty grotesque if you look at it objectively; 
but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it can give, 
it's beautiful.  This is such a great example; I want so much to 
use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had 
better not.  American middle class manners; now there's an 
oxymoron for you!

Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully 
graphic.  I strongly recommend this story. 

Ratings for "Awakenings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (WouldBeBad@aol.com).  When Bookman 
reposted this story, he seemed uncertain of the author.  I'm 
pretty sure this attribution is correct.  In fact, when I reviewed 
this story back in CR 98, I'm pretty sure I received 
correspondence from the author - who was surprised but pleased 
that I gave it such high ratings.

The official wedding took place in the bride's parents' church, 
with a wedding march, candles, flowers, and lots of guests. In her 
vows she promised to obey Michael. To most of the people present, 
this was just a phrase in the traditional wedding vows. A select 
few who were invited to a separate ceremony later that day knew 
more specifically what that vow meant. The bride was a successful 
stoke broker, and she wanted no more stressful responsibility in 
her private life.  She had told Michael that she would give 
herself to him in the privacy of their home if he would assume all 
the responsibility. He could have her as a sex slave, if that 
meant she didn't have to make decisions.  This sounded like a 
bargain to Michael; and so now she stood naked except for a garter 
belt and a few sensual accouterments in front of a minister and an 
audience of 20 people - eager but apprehensive about what would 
happen next.

This is not your ordinary wedding ceremony.  I won't go into 
detail here.  Use your imagination or read the story.  It's very 
well written.

Ratings for "My Wedding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "May" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us).  The man 
has been working too hard late at night, when the woman (May) arrives 
and takes him outside into the darkness for a quickie on a blanket in a 
grove of trees.  This is very sexy stuff - the sort of things Robert 
Frost skipped when he told us about New England.

Ratings for "May"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by Tori Redfern.  
(Reposted by Bookman Archives).  I think I have the real 
name of this author - not the real, real name, of course, 
but the name under which the author posted the story.  I 
originally found this story in the THC Archive neatly tucked 
away under the title NYMPH1.TXT.  Bookman lists it simply as 
"Neighborhood Nympho."

Dick and Kathy are a young couple who have quarreled at a 
party.  Dick comes home early.  The surprised baby-sitter 
calls her mother and says something like, "These people have 
quarreled, and the husband has come home alone; and so I 
think I should stay here for a while."  Mom, of course, 
agrees; and, of course, the baby-sitter gives the guy some 
really great head, which gives her the best orgasm of her 
young life.  The wife shows up and catches them in flagrante 
delicto, of course; and she immediately starts caressing and 
kissing the baby-sitter, and all three retire to the master 
bedroom for some more leisurely sex.  The husband and wife, 
of course, become reconciled.  The key to effective marital 
counseling, it seems, is for the therapist (baby-sitter) to 
pull the wife's probing fingers from the baby-sitter's 
twitching ass before the husband pushes his raging cock 
beyond the entrance to the baby-sitter's angelic ass.  I'm 
just kidding.  The author didn't really say "angelic ass."  
That would be silly.  Actually it was the baby-sitter's 
"pulsing anus."

Here's the worst idea in the story: "He would stick just the 
tip {of his cock} in my pussy and sweep gobs of love juice 
up into my anus." I think maybe this is how neighborhood 
nymphos get their bad reputation.  This strategy practically 
guarantees a yeast infection. It's not even a good idea to 
make this anus-to-vagina connection while masturbating.  The 
problem is that the microbes that inhabit one site don't 
have any natural enemies in the other.  It is common 
practice to ignore HIV and STDs and birth control in a.s.s. 
stories; but one of the surest ways to get a really bad rash 
is to take an uncleaned penis directly from a person's anus 
to the vagina or vice versa.

The author gets the Pristine Vocabulary Award for this 
eloquent excerpt: "Kathy soon sucame...."  Why not?  It's 
easier to spell than succumbed.

What really troubles me is that my American Heritage Online 
Dictionary did not include the term "in flagrante delicto."  
My offline unabridged dictionary does have it, but does not 
include the word "in" as part of the phrase.  Can someone 
advise me?  Even worse, my spellcheck thought that sucame 
was supposed to be "sumac."

Ratings for "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho..."
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

