Celestial Reviews 240 - December 6, 1997

Note:  Someone has reposted all of SueNH's stories.  I am reposting my 
reviews of those stories - plus reviewing the few I missed.  Note that 
some of my reviews are based on my old system (10=excellent, 0=awful), 
and I have not tried to update those ratings at this time.  Note also 
that many of these are old reviews, and if I were writing them now, I 
might say different things.  I am posting the reviews in simple 
alphabetical order.  I am including a few "with Sue" stories that may 
not yet have been reposted.  I do not know Sue's current address - all 
of the addresses listed in the reviews are inaccurate.  Maybe this Sue 
Renaissance will prod Sue out of retirement!

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Warm Caribbean Night" by SueNH (romantic mistaken identity)
            10, 9, 9
      "Ironing in the Kinks" by SueNH (quickie) 10, 8, 8
      "Alice and Joe and You and Me" by SueNH (voyeurism) 10, 7, 7
      "my childhood games" by x (kiddy sex) 5, 3, 3
      "Long Ago and Far Away" by Sven the Elder (forbidden
             romance) 10, 8, 8
      "Sister Ashley" by Greatness (sex with a nun) 4, 3, 3
      "Passages in Time.  Episode 2: The Laying of Claim" by 
            Alan C. McD (time-travel sex) 10, 8, 8

 Guest Reviews: 

      "Iowa State Police" by Ms. Which (oral sex with cop) 9, 8.5, 6
      "Moroccan Club" by sweetkaren (strip club orgy) 7, 6, 8

Reposted Reviews:

    * "AdventureLand" by SueNH.(Amusement park sex) 9, 8, 10
    * "Catty Corner" by SueNH (voyeurism) 10
    * "Cocktail Table" by SueNH (orgy) 10, 10, 10
    * "Craftsmanship" by SueNH (blowing the glass blower) 
            10, 10, 10
    * "Film at Eleven" by SueNH (sex on videotape) 10
    * "Fun with Dick and Jane" by SueNH (group sex ed) 10
    * "Gee Spot Run" by SueNH (masturbation & voyeurism) 10
    * "Good Grief" by SueNH (surrogate sex) 10, 10, 10
    * "Guess Who's Coming at Dinner" by SueNH (orgy)
    * "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10
    * "Into the Woods" by With Sue (outdoor celebrity sex)
            10, 10, 10
    * "Kachina" by SueNH (sex in the great outdoors) 10
    * "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire" by SueNH (revenge) 10, 9, 9
    * "Life's a Beach" by SueNH (Sex on the beach) 4
    * "Louvre Love" by SueNH  (Sex & Fantasy in the Louvre) 
            9, 7, 8
    * "Lab Partners" by WithSueNH (very hot, gentle threesome) 
            10, 10, 10
    * "Libre Island" by Sharon with Sue (orgies in an island
            paradise) 9
    * "Lucy in the Sky" by SueNH (sex in the outdoors) 10
    * "On the Dock" by SueNH (exhibitionism & voyeurism) 
            10, 10, 10
    * "Red Hot" by SueNH (orgy) 9.5, 10, 10
    * "Slippery When Wet" by SueNH (sex in jacuzzi) 10
    * "To Serve and Protect" by SueNH (sex in the fast lane) 10
    * "A Weekend on the Island" by WithSue (hot orgy) 
           10, 10, 10
    * "You Big, Me Doll" by SueNH (sexy dream & doll sex) 
            10, 8, 8

* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
      reposted)

"Warm Caribbean Night" by SueNH.  Sue is waiting for her lover while he 
takes a swim in the ocean.  When he returns, he will make love to her 
for the first time.  He returns, gently fucks her in the complete 
velvety darkness, then returns again.  Ooops!  How can this be?  The 
lover in the darkness must have been someone else!

I'll still never understand why people think the second-person (you) 
narrative is so great.  But this is overall a nice romantic fantasy.

Ratings for "Warm Caribbean Night"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Ironing in the Kinks" by SueNH.  This is a continuation of "Warm 
Caribbean Night."  After they return from their trip to the Caribbean, 
Sue is ironing the laundry (an ancient custom still performed in 
medieval American households), when her lover drops by unexpectedly.  
Since Sue is already in heat, the lover arranges for some kinky sex 
involving the ironing board and a few other pieces of furniture.

This is hot sex, but it's hardly a fully developed plot.

Ratings for "Ironing in the Kinks"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Alice and Joe and You and Me" by SueNH.  This is a continuation of the 
previous two stories.  This time Sue and her lover are invited to visit 
some neighbors who have a nice house on the beach.  They watch them 
having some hot sex in the jacuzzi and with the jacuzzi hose.

This earlier work of Sue's is not nearly as good as her later, more 
integrated efforts.  At this early stage she has some good ideas, but 
she is posting them as they happen to come to her mind.  In her later 
work she seems to be more willing to wait until she has a whole story 
before telling it.

Ratings for "Alice and Joe and You and Me"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"my childhood games" by x (x@x.org).  This is a story only in the sense 
that it consists of 767 words in a single paragraph that are generally 
about a single set of events.  It comes from the website of the 
Childhood Sexuality Center; and so I don't want to make fun of it, since 
it might be the genuine reflections of a dysfunctional adult who was 
rendered dyslexic as a result of early childhood sexual trauma.  It's 
not really very interesting, unless you're interested in 11-year-olds 
rolling in the mud and sucking each other's cocks.

Ratings for "my childhood games"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Long Ago and Far Away" by Sven the Elder (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk).  
This story is a retrospective about Sven's experiences before he was the 
Elder - long ago and far away, when he was a white European romancing 
the black African daughter of the local chieftain.  The chieftain wasn't 
all that thrilled about the relationship; and so he had ordered the 
relationship to end.  This is the story of the couple's last romantic 
tryst.

It's an interesting story with good sex, but my impression is that this 
is a lot clearer and more interesting in the mind of the author than it 
will be to the minds of people who do not share that same initial 
perspective.

Ratings for "Long Ago and Far Away"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Sister Ashley" by Greatness. {The author didn't give his address, but 
no matter.}  Jimmy Parsons is 13 years old.  He has twin sisters who are 
four years older than he is, and they have 35C tits; but those numbers 
may be inaccurate, unless Jimbo is a lot better at math than he is at 
spelling and grammar. The girls were pretty but not too bright. Father 
Mike, the local priest, rants against sin, and so the girls don't let 
anyone get too far with them.  But even though they're so dumb that 
blondes probably tell jokes about them, they figure out loopholes in the 
rules.  For example, since they can't fuck with boys, they have sex with 
each other.

Now, the Sister Ashley of the title is not one of these sisters, but 
rather a nun.  Actually, she's a fake nun.  The kids in this story go to 
a lot of trouble to figure this out; but it should have been easy, 
because nuns are all named after saints.  Nuns may be named after male 
saints or female saints, but they have to be genuine Catholic saints.  
There is no St. Ashley.  Don't ask me why: I think it has something to 
do with nobody naming their daughters Ashley or Brittany until the 
1960's, and by then even the Catholics had stopped making saints.  
Anyway, there may be a Sister Mary Ralph or a Sister John Michael or 
even a Sister Billy Bob; but there is no way any genuine nun can be 
named Sister Ashley.

Well, what do you think these playful little rascals will do with Sister 
Ashley when they expose her - er, when they uncover her secret?  The 
answer is hidden in a lot of childish gibberish, but I think it involves 
a dog.

Ratings for "Sister Ashley"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Passages in Time.  Episode 2: The Laying of Claim" by Alan C. McD 
(18157818@msn.com).  This second story in the "Passages in Time" series 
builds upon the first episode, which was entitled "The Awakening."  This 
one has more focus on enigmatic aspects of time travel than some readers 
will want to see.  On the other hand, some readers will like this sci-fi 
emphasis.

In this episode we go back in history to 10,000 BC, where our heroine 
becomes our hero and has sex with a prehistoric woman.  This is a little 
confusing, since I am not at all familiar with prehistoric sex.  My 
closest experience was the movie "One Million BC," in which Racquel 
Welch (I think) went around for about two hours grunting and looking 
good.  The copulators in this story seem to lie somewhere between 
Neanderthals or Cro Magnons and Racquel Welch - but then my time frame 
may be inaccurate.

These people do not have sex in the missionary position.  But I suppose 
that's because there were no missionaries to teach that position until 
AD.  

On the whole, I enjoyed the insights into prehistoric thought processes, 
but I found the time travel aspects to be somewhere between annoying and 
distracting.  I still am not clear why or how the time-traveling 
explorer of the galaxy is saving the others (whoever they are) through 
union with them.

This story reminds me a great deal of the work of another author.  If 
this author has ever written a story with a character named Hideo in it, 
he/she should 'fess up and come clean with me.

The author clearly wants us to stay with him for his whole show.  When 
this chapter is integrated with everything else, it may become 
excellent; but right now it's somewhat confusing.

Ratings for "The Laying of Claim"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Iowa State Police" by Ms. Which (mswhich@hotmail.com). Guest review by 
Morgan Preece.

Well, a joke I just read seems appropriate here.

"A Tale of Two Whales"

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when 
the male looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five 
years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, he 
says, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. 
That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about 
killing innocent whales.

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that 
most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore either by 
swimming or in lifeboats.  Not willing to let them get away so easily, 
he yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

Suddenly, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!" she says, "I 
agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"

(thanks to  Joyce Melton and Martin Young and Bruce Shipman)

I think everyone knows the plot just from the title. No surprises there: 
cop stops a good-looking woman for speeding and a blowjob.

This story has touches of humor, but I don't think the author is going 
to win any points with feminists. <g> And State Police may not be so 
happy about being stereotyped, either. <bg> Nor Polish persons. <g>

Okay, I took this story as being all in fun, almost but not quite a send 
up of its narrow genre.  I got a few chuckles, but the sex wasn't really 
to my tastes and probably isn't to several people I could name. It isn't 
that I don't like handcuff stories; I mean the bondage in this is light 
compared to the stuff in at least one of my own stories.

Still, if you like the old "pay your ticket on your knees, slut" 
scenario, you may like this.

Oh, and there is one really funny typo. I didn't know that Iowa State 
Policemen wore skirts as part of their uniforms.

Athena (technical quality): 9
(Phrasing sometimes distances the action from the reader. Setting is 
bare but keeping it that way is probably a choice not a mistake; it 
helps keep the story moving. No minus for the funny typo.)

Venus (plot & character): 8.5
(Plot is standard but characters seem real and human, stereotypes but 
not cardboard. I got three chuckles out of it. Minus 1 for the old hat 
plot and -.5 for the "she loves it when she's made to" cliche.)

Morgan (appeal to reviewer): 6 (I know I'm tough in this part. I'd judge 
this to be an 8+ for some people, but what do I know?)

Grade for a hypothetical class in writing for ASS would be a "B-" and 
"Keep writing - your audience will find you" scribbled in the margin.

"Moroccan Club" by sweetkaren (sweetkaren@usa.net). Guest Review by DG.

As this story opens, the narrator, a young American woman on vacation in 
Morocco, is sitting in an outdoor square, eating dinner with a recent 
acquaintance, a charming young local man.  The situation as it unfolded 
over the first few paragraphs was normal and casual enough that I 
wondered if the story might be true, or at least partially true.  The 
young man invites her to a local nightclub, and she accepts.  When they 
arrive, she notices that the patrons are mostly men, and it turns out to 
be a strip club.  Or, what passes for a strip club in an Islamic 
country:  the dancers start out overdressed and slowly remove their 
extraneous items of clothing, ending up just fully clothed.  

Our narrator, having had a few too many drinks, decides she will show 
the crowd how we do things over in the good old US of A.  She hops up on 
the stage and strips down to just her stockings, to the surprise and 
appreciation of the culturally disadvantaged male patrons.  In fact, the 
patrons are so appreciative that they fill her every orifice with their 
rock-hard cocks, bringing her to countless orgasms and finally leaving 
her outside in an alley, covered from head to foot with a sticky layer 
of cum and much richer for the memories.  So much for the story being 
true.

This story has a cute premise, and is fairly well written.  I think it 
could have been improved by providing more description and buildup for 
the stripping/sex scene.  One paragraph she is having a drink and 
minding her own business, and the by the end of the next paragraph she 
is naked with men all over her.  I don't want to quibble too much, 
though: this story was written to be a short, hot romp, not a work of 
literature, and on that level it succeeds.  

Ratings for "Moroccan Club"
Athena (technical quality): 7  
Venus (plot & character): 6
DG (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "AdventureLand" by Sue.  I love theme parks.  Disney World in 
Orlando is an especially romantic place.  In this story, a woman 
manages to get into the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction after 
everyone else has left it.  She masturbates and engages in sexual 
fantasies with the characters.  The punch line is that one of the 
characters turns out to be the college kid who runs the 
attraction, and he fucks her and slips away before she realizes 
that he wasn't part of her imagination.  I liked the story a lot.  
I'm sure there are religious people somewhere who would be 
repulsed at the thought of a Disney employee taking advantage of 
an innocent customer; but what the hell - this story takes place 
in an atmosphere in which the "legitimate" fantasy consists of 
fun-loving pirates looting villages and gleefully carrying off the 
female prisoners.  When I've taken my kids on that ride, I've 
often mentally noted that in real life the pirates would have had 
their sexual jollies with the women they were chasing. Being 
captured and raped by a pirate probably wasn't as much fun as 
Disney suggests.  In real life Disney employees who have sex with 
customers who are masturbating with the characters should be 
fired; just as  pirates who rape and pillage should normally be 
hanged after a fair trial.  It was fun to read a story in which a 
modern pirate took advantage of a damsel.  On the downside, you 
really do have to stretch your imagination to buy into the story.  
But overall, it was just good clean fun.

Ratings for "AdventureLand"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Catty Corner" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com).  I loved this story.  So 
many writers on a.s.s. can describe hot sex; but Sue has the knack 
of putting it into the context of a really creative story.  This 
one comes with a double whammy - a voyeur watching a voyeur and 
then the voyeurs watching each other.  I just resolved earlier 
today to be a little rougher in my ratings.  I also resolved to 
give my husband a break from passion tonight.  Oh, well; there go 
my resolutions.  (Rating: 10)

* "Cocktail Table" by Sue.  Sue accepts an invitation to a party 
from some graduate students who admire her literary work.  After 
the initial fuss over her arrival, everyone sits around in a quiet 
circle with their hands on their laps while Sue reads "Slippery 
When Wet" to the group.  Everyone gets turned on by the splendid 
reading, and the spokesman for the group suggests that Sue may 
want to leave before the ensuing orgy begins.  Sue chooses to 
stay.  Actually, Sue tells it better; so read the story.

I shall now respond to the one unanswered question in Sue's story: 
the plural of "clitoris" is "clitorises".  Interestingly enough, 
my spellcheck recognized this plural, even though it failed to 
recognize "anally," "Sistine," "dominatrix," and "supermodel."  I 
verified this plural in my unabridged dictionary, where the word 
is found right after "cliticize" (the meaning of which may 
surprise you) and on the same page with a picture of a cloister.  
Talk about a screwed up value system!  The dictionary defines 
clit, clitoris, and cliticize (and 101 pages later gives three 
definitions for cunt, which happen to come right before Mario 
Cuomo - now there's a coincidence for you), but it gives a picture 
of a cloister instead of a clitoris!  I mean, how many readers in 
all of history have looked at the definition of a cloister and 
said, "Damn! I wish I had a picture to clear this up for me!"  
Sorry about the digression; but Sue did raise the original 
question in her story.

{Well, now that I have already digressed, I might mention that I 
did a double-take during proofreading - 101 pages of definitions 
between clitoris and Cuomo?  Yes, that's right.  Yesterday a 
prissy student came up to my desk and told me that another student 
- who was disgruntled over her grade - had called me "the c-word."  
I asked her to be more specific, but she couldn't utter "the c-
word" out loud.  She doesn't realize how truly ambiguous her 
accusation was!}

This was a very enjoyable story.  I have only one problem with it, 
and that problem is akin to the play within a play theme that 
often occurs in Shakespeare.  When Sue has six guys shoot their 
jism all over her body (never mind the cunt juices that are 
flowing like milk and honey) - when she gets her pastry frosted by 
six guys at once, whose record is she breaking?  (Not mine, 
certainly!)  She compares it to the four guys whose snorkels she 
cleared in "Slippery When Wet," but that's a work of fiction, and 
is recognized as such even in the present work of fiction.  Sue 
herself is actually a most demure person who probably isn't even 
named Sue and almost certainly has not participated in Onan's 
Olympics with more than two male partners at the same time.  So 
what we have here is a fiction within a fiction and how do we know 
that even that is not fiction?  In other words, that that is not 
is not that that is.  (I was tempted to replace "in other words" 
with "that is" in the preceding sentence, but then the thought 
would have become confusing.)

Sorry.  Even though I am a most cunning linguist I just never had 
a chance to say that last sentence in a meaningful context before.  
If you're ever in danger of premature orgasm, try repeating and 
understanding that sentence, and it will probably keep you from 
coming at least until your partner catches up with you.

Ratings for "Cocktail Table"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Craftsmanship" by Sue.  I always save Sue's stories for a time 
when I'll have time to relish and enjoy her imagery.  The writers 
of many of the previous stories could benefit from reading and 
imitating Sue's style.  (They could also use the occasion for some 
private foreplay.)  In this story Sue makes passionate love to the 
glass blower, after she (literally) blows a phallus that he later 
uses to ravage her cunt.  Actually, Sue says it better than I did.  
If you analyze them really carefully, Sue's fantasies probably 
would make no more sense in real life than those in the previous 
stories.  After all, what sensible girl would want to watch a 
muscular young man engaged in his trade, then seduce him by having 
him help her blow and shape a glass phallus, then have him insert 
that still warm phallus into her well-primed most private parts, 
then be driven completely out of her mind by a blazing hot orgasm 
when he inserts the real thing, then suck his gorgeous cock that 
seems to fit so well into the environs of this shop surrounded by 
erotic art that her lover has himself produced until he explodes 
into a gigantic orgasm that she cannot contain?  Or what red-
blooded guy would take delight in being used in this way by a lewd 
and lascivious woman, interested in driving her partner into a 
state of raging ecstasy only because she thinks that he will 
respond in a way that will contribute to her own self-
gratification?  For that matter, who would even want to read about 
such things?  Probably only people like those befuddled readers 
who are tempted right now to cast this review into temporary 
electronic oblivion and go find this hot, sexy story.  But 
somehow, Sue manages to use words and give rationales that make it 
all seem worth fantasizing about.  

Ratings for "Craftsmanship"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Film at Eleven" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com).  During her vacation in 
Maine, Sue is invited to visit a sexy couple she met earlier in 
the day.  She agrees to videotape them while they make love.  The 
sex gets really hot, and Sue describes it vividly and in minute 
detail.  At the climax, Sue herself gets into the act by fondling 
Bart's cock while it's inside Nina's cunt.  This makes it possible 
for Sue also to diddle Nina's G-spot at the same time.  And Sue 
manages to record this entire activity on videotape!  Is this 
activity actually possible?  If anyone tries it successfully, let 
me know - but it sure sounds sexy! 

Oh - and Sue mistakenly refers to Bart as Gary once.  Gotcha!  Of 
course, I've never done that to my husband, but he does call me 
Sue once in a while in the heat of passion.

The videotaping theme provides an excuse for Sue to describe 
details of the sexual encounter that would normally be 
superfluous.  For example, she describes such things as facial 
expressions and skin texture of the labia and around the ass. 
There would be little justification for these descriptions in a 
normal narrative; but in the context of this story they become 
quite sensual.  (Rating: 10)

* "Fun with Dick and Jane" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com) As we left Sue 
last week at the end of "Gee Spot Run," Sue had used her erotic 
fiction as a basis to enrich the fantasy life and masturbation 
abilities of a repressed housewife.  As our story resumes in this 
sequel, Sue has been invited to Jane's house for dinner, where she 
meets her husband Dick and a stuffy friend of theirs named 
Charles.  When Jane blurts out that Sue is a writer of erotica, 
the men scoff at Sue.  They think she is merely a Barbara Cartland 
type.  Sue rises to the challenge and offers to read one of her 
stories out loud, with the agreement that its quality will be 
measured by Charles's peter meter, which at the time was easily 
hidden beneath the napkin on his lap.

So Sue read from "Louvre Love."  Actually, this was a bad choice, 
since (as we all know) this particular story received a modest 
rating of 7.5 in Celestial Reviews, whereas most of Sue's stories 
are 10's.  I think "Here Cums Santa" or "To Serve and Protect" 
would have been better choices.  Perhaps Sue made this choice 
deliberately, to avoid straining Charles's gauge, which probably 
wasn't capable of registering a 10.  To make a long story short, 
the story works; but alas, Dick dislikes perversion and refers to 
Sue as a cunning temptress.  (Had I been there, of course, he 
would have referred to me as a cunning linguist.  But I think 
either epithet would fit Sue accurately.)  Jane defends her 
friend's reputation, and soon tendrils of pleasure are racing 
around Sue's body while Charles begins to fuck her and Jane 
observes unobtrusively.

Enough!  You'll have to read the story yourself to find out who 
comes how often and where and whether Dick finally overcomes his 
inhibitions and has fun with Jane.  This is an excellent story, 
only minimally reminiscent of the book of the same title that many 
of us read when we were in the first grade.  

This story (combined with this review) will be especially useful 
for cunning linguists or for students whose teachers require them 
to look up and use a word a day.  I mean, in addition to ribald 
sex, this story is full of tendrils, epithets, and ogling - as 
well as a vivid reference to the Louvre - which, of course, is 
located near the Champs Elysee. (Rating: 10)

* "Gee Spot Run" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com).  I consider this story to 
exemplify what the preceding story was missing.  (Note that I have 
already given the other story a high rating; so don't take this as 
overly critical of that story.)  The big difference is that in 
this story the protagonists have a *reason* for having sex.

When Sue meets a casual friend and gets into a deep conversation, 
she discovers that the woman is sexually repressed.  To help out, 
she discloses the fact that she is an author of highly regarded 
sex stories and offers to let her friend read some of them. Sue 
goes off to take a shower and leaves her friend reading 
"Craftsmanship," which readers of these reviews will recognize as 
one of the stories I often cite as an example of hot, well-written 
erotica.  Well, I was right in rating that story a 10; because 
when Sue returns from the shower the woman is in the throes of 
masturbation that was instigated by reading the story.  The woman 
is embarrassed, but Sue comforts her thus: "Even when I'm writing 
the stories, I get so turned-on sometimes that I have to stop 
typing so that I can reach down and rub my cunt for a big orgasm. 
And when I read other people's stories, I usually masturbate. I'm 
sorry that you feel bad about what you were doing, and I'm even 
more sorry that I interrupted you. So I'm going to leave the room 
again so that you can finish what you started." 

But alas, the woman has a learning disability: she doesn't know 
how to masturbate very well.  She feels that the characters in 
Sue's stories achieve heights of ecstasy that she has never 
reached.  Like a true humanitarian clinician, Sue reluctantly 
offers further assistance.  The two masturbate in each other's 
presence, and her friend learns by observing the genius at work.  
The descriptions are hot and vivid.  Not only does Sue's friend 
figure out how to do it right; I also managed to eliminate a few 
bugs from my own system.  (However, there are a few things I could 
teach Sue too.)

This is a really hot story.  At the end, we are left with the 
impression that Sue's friend will probably get over her 
inhibitions and with the promise that we can find out what 
happened later by reading Sue's next story, "Fun with Dick and 
Jane."  (Rating: 10)

* "Good Grief" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com).  I often hear the refrain, 
"All those fuckin' stories on a.s.s. are the same!"  Every once in 
a while, I start to believe it and think that I have seen (or read 
about) everything.  Then I run across a story like this to 
reinforce my belief in creativity.  I don't know what I can tell 
you about this story without ruining the plot for you.  The action 
takes place in a cemetery and in a motel shortly after the funeral 
of the narrator's close friend.  The sex is both tender and hot.  
You'll just have to read this excellent story to find out the 
details.

Ratings "Good Grief"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Guess Who's Coming at Dinner" by Sue.  I don't think Emily Post 
or Miss Manners has a chapter on orgy etiquette; so maybe this 
story can fill that void.  The premise of this story is that the 
narrator has invited ten sensuous people (herself among them) to 
participate in an unorthodox dinner party.  The participants will 
not use their real names, only these nicknames: for the men -- 
Viking.... Shiny.... Silver.... Tail.... You (the reader).... and 
for the women -- Gold.... Fire.... Earth... Light... and Me (Sue) 
. Then she explains that there will be no talk of their 
occupations, or of the weather. If anyone wants to talk, it must 
be about dreams and fantasies.   The evening is a resounding 
success.  The sex is hot and the images are rich.  Read it 
yourself!  "A good time was had by all."  (Rating: 10)

* "Here Cums Santa Claus" by Sue. This story centers around the visit of 
the lovely and vivacious Sue (who looks and acts a lot like me, although 
she apparently has smaller breasts and nipples that respond slightly 
more slowly than mine do to gentle caresses) to the mall's Victoria's 
Secret shop at the end of a long day of Christmas shopping.  Two 
libidinous female employees invite her to join the after hours 
festivities, at which she will become the Christmas present for the 
mall's Santa.  

I guess I shouldn't spoil the suspense - but the supposed impostor is 
the real Santa himself.  (This is where Sue departs a little from 
reality.  Her Santa is not circumcised.  He was the last time I made 
love to him.)  Sue has a lot of fun with the story, replacing the 
typical descriptions of sexual activity with terms and metaphors related 
to the Christmas season.  I checked with my word processor's "find" 
function, and the word "musky" doesn't appear even once; and the only 
time "rod" occurs is in the middle of "strode," "produced," and 
"prodigious" - the latter not in its usual context in a sex story!  
Instead, the aroma emanating from his cock is "the delicate fragrance of 
apple blossoms and almonds, with maybe a hint of balsam fir."  Santa's 
rotund cock is deliciously sweet and fruity.  And Santa's sweet candy 
cane drives deeply into Sue's fiery open hearth.  The only image I found 
to limp a little was Santa's offer to let Sue ride his North Pole.

Of course, like any depraved a.s.s. writer, Sue skirts the moral issue: 
what about poor Mrs. Claus, waiting chastely at home at the North Pole 
with all those tiny but horny little elves?  Nevertheless, this story 
managed to get the vision of Santa's "sugar plum" dancing in my head.  
This story definitely put me into the spirit of things.  You'll have to 
read the story to find out what Santa said as he rose out of sight. 

Ratings for "Here Cums Santa Claus"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Into the Woods" by With Sue (suenh@kear.tdsnet.com).  Try this 
pickup line the next time you encounter a really attractive 
blonde: "Are you the Sue who writes erotic stories on the 
Internet?"  If she says yes, then you should proceed to have 
pleasantly ecstatic sex with her.  If she says no, then say, "Do 
you come here often?" or "What's a nice girl like you doing in a 
place like this?" or "Either smile or slap me if you'd like to 
have sex with me."

In the present story a guy named Dave meets the real Sue in the 
woods and he tells her that her stories are by far the best on 
alt.sex.stories - better than all the drivel that's usually posted 
there.  Such exaggeration is understandable, since by this time 
Dave was interested in getting into Sue's pants or helping her 
resolve a plot; but Sue's stories are not really quite that good.  
They're better than 95% of what's posted here and competitive with 
the very best; but this story is based on Dave's pickup line, and 
so we'll let his hyperbole stand.

So anyway, Dave tells Sue that "Louvre Love" is his favorite among 
all her stories.  This is blatantly silly!  Aside from "Life's a 
Beach," "Louvre Love" is probably Sue's WORST story!  Dave's 
statement is really an insidiously complicated pickup line.  He 
expects Sue to respond with something like, "Louvre Love my Lovely 
Ass!  Let me re-enact a scene from Craftsmanship with you!"  By 
starting with Louvre Love, Dave can eventually get Sue to work 
through all of her plots that are better than that one, including 
"Slippery When Wet," "Lab Partners", and "Red Hot".  Good Grief!  
That's right - there's also "Good Grief", "To Serve and Protect" 
and even "Adventureland", to say nothing of "Coffee Table", "Fun 
with Dick and Jane", "Film at Eleven", "Lucy in the Sky" or the 
great withSue stories like "Across the Catty Corner" and "Weekend 
on the Island."

I was right - or at least close!  In the middle of the story, Dave 
and Sue decide to work out the plot for a new story called "Into 
the Woods," which - surprisingly enough - is this very story that 
I am now reviewing!  Imagine that!  Well, actually they act out 
the basic details, and then I suppose Dave or Sue wrote the full 
story back at the computer.

Ratings for "Into the Woods"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Kachina" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com).  This is a story about a young 
woman who travels by water and by hiking and mountain climbing to 
a beautiful place in the remote wilderness and masturbates there 
before bedding down for the night in a cave.  (Sue adds a few 
details that make it more interesting than my preceding sentence.)  
In the middle of the night she is visited by a Kachina - an 
ancestral Anasazi spirit-god that had come back to life.  Hey!  
What can I say?  You're going to read the descriptions of the 
previous four stories, and then tell me that this one is 
unrealistic just because a beautiful blonde woman has passionate 
sex with a man old enough to be her ancestor who comes alive from 
a painting on a cave wall?  Believe what you will.  I say, if 
Peter Pan can have Tinkerbell and if the Greeks can have Zeus and 
Aphrodite, then Sue can have her Kachina!

Sue does an excellent job of integrating the sexual activity with 
the surroundings and even with a sensitivity to the ancient Native 
American heritage.  This was a very good story.  (Rating: 10)

* "Lab Partners" by WithSue.  Sue was kind enough to send me a 
copy of this story before she reposted it.  When I saw it posted 
this morning, I was upset, because I hadn't finished it yet.  So I 
dug into the rest of the 24 pages (11,188 words, according to my 
word count) and was late for breakfast.  It was as good as Sue 
humbly said it would be.  (Now I have to put this out of my mind 
and concentrate on summer school.)  

The deal here is that Sue loves fantasies and in real life 
encourages other authors to respond to her fantasies by finishing 
or adapting her stories.  A few paragraphs into the story, I 
realized that Sue herself was the lab partner working with the two 
guys.  The buildup took a while; but even our anti-Jane-Austen 
critic would enjoy the result, I think.  (I'd really like to know 
his opinion of this one.)  This has to be one of the longest 
orgasms in a.s.s. history; and I stayed glued to the screen for 
every minute of it.  This may be a chick story - but what a chick!

Ratings for "Lab Partners"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Liar, Liar" by SueNH (SueNH@aol.com).  About a year ago a 
person with a warped sense of humor posted a message on a.s.s. 
stating that SueNH was not a real person but rather merely a front 
for an alleged money-making scheme of some kind.  Sue (who I have 
reason to believe really exists) wrote this story in retaliation.

The protagonist of the story is a man who gets his sexual kicks by 
hiding in anonymity while making untrue statements about 
beautiful, lusty women who write hot stories on the Internet.  He 
likes these stories and even jerks off while reading them, but 
instead of doing something artistic in return, he responds in his 
uncreative, anonymous, cowardly manner.  This makes him feel 
bigger, more powerful - it provides a kinky sort of sexual turn-on 
for him. Just thinking about it makes his cock harden in his 
jogging shorts as he begins his run, and his little nipples get 
hard and show through his T-shirt as he start to work up a sweat 
within a block of his house.

Shortly after he starts his run, he spots a beautiful woman 
jogger.  He follows her and is eventually astonished to discover 
that she has stopped at his house and obviously wants to come 
inside.  She enters the house and teases him sexually, eventually 
binding him to the bed and revealing herself to be SueNH, the very 
person to whom he had directed his cowardly criticism on the 
Internet.  Sue continues to tease him and brings herself to orgasm 
several times.  She leaves it up to him to decide whether he'll 
repent and gain genuine pleasure or continue to live his 
miserable, craven existence.

Reality check:  This jerk runs five or six miles in about a half 
hour.  I'm in good shape and can't do that - and I'm usually not 
encumbered by a hard-on.  If Sue revises this story, she should 
either drop the distance to 3 or 4 miles or up the time to 45 
minutes.

This is an unusual and interesting story.  I don't normally like 
sexual violence, and neither does Sue.  But no real harm comes to 
this asshole, and he deserves the discomfort her gets.  People who 
are familiar with Sue's other stories (many of which are currently 
being reposted) will enjoy this story the most.

Ratings for "Liar, Liar"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Libre Island" by Sharon with Sue (SueNH@AOL.com).  Sharon and 
Sue are not only the authors but also the protagonists.  They are 
presented as two really hot, sexy woman who go on vacation 
together to an island paradise.  They meet Tyla, a beautiful black 
woman, and her friends; and they engage in some raucous sexual 
festivities.  That's really all there is to the plot.  It's sort 
of like those porn movies that none of us admit we watch: a lot of 
sexual acrobatics tied together with no real plot.  There's little 
character development (other than demonstrating that these really 
are very sexy people), nor does the author take advantage of the 
island's atmosphere to add to the intensity of the sex (as did 
Deidre Ng in "Aegean Interludes" or as would occur in a porn movie 
presentation of the same material). As long as you're willing to 
accept the story on these grounds, it's an excellent story.  This 
story is almost the opposite of the previous one.  If you're 
interested in exploring personalities and plot development, this 
may not be for you; but if you want material to heighten your 
sexual arousal, this one may do the job.  If what you want is hot 
sex scenes, this story is full of them in enthusiastic, explicit 
detail. (Rating: 9)

* "Life's a Beach" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com).  This story is not up 
to Sue's usual high standards.  I found it to be hard to focus on 
the sexual activity in this story - which was the only reason to 
be reading it - because I was distracted by details and by 
mistakes in logic and grammar.  Part of the problem is that the 
story is written in the first person.  ("I did this... You did 
that...." )  This is sometimes a useful style, but in this case I 
was confused by it.  For example, when I read at the beginning 
that the narrator was wearing a skimpy pink bikini  and her friend 
("you") a skimpy black bikini, I assumed I was reading about two 
females.  As I continued with the story I envisioned one woman 
giving an erotic massage to another, but then several paragraphs 
later I came upon a reference to "shooting semen."  So I reread 
the earlier passage and concluded that nothing in the text 
actually ruled out the theory that the person in the black bikini 
might be a guy.  So I readjusted my thinking and continued reading 
the story as one about a heterosexual couple.  

My point is that in some cases, concealing the gender of the 
characters or springing a surprise like this may be an effective 
literary technique; but this is not one of those cases.  The whole 
idea of this story is to enable the reader to visualize erotic 
activities; and here I was over a fourth of the way through the 
story, before I suddenly realized I had the wrong picture.  I 
guess I would have had the correct picture if I had read Sue's 
earlier story about the same couple, or if I used my knowledge 
that Sue is in real life a really sexy blond bombshell; but I 
really think it is reasonable to expect a story to stand alone.  
Likewise, I guess I could have inferred the gender of Black Bikini 
through references to "strong fingers and muscles" - but I've 
become so liberated lately that I assume that some female lovers 
have strong fingers and muscles. 

As another example of confusion, here's a passage from Part 2. {My 
comments are bracketed like this.}  "The cold water had shrunk 
your cock up much smaller that {= than} usual, and it stuck 
straight out from your crotch . This contrasted with your balls, 
which were filled with come {= cum} that had accumulated during 
your lotioning of my body. {This just isn't the way it works 
biologically.  I don't think Masters & Johnson or any other 
researchers have ever noted a detectable enlargement of the male 
scrotum that could be attributed to increased quantities of semen 
that accumulated during a single session of lovemaking.  Actually, 
this would be an optical illusion.  The balls would probably 
actually *shrink* from the cold; but they would appear larger in 
comparison to the penis, which would shrink much more rapidly 
(because that's what penises do - engorge and shrink, engorge and 
shrink, ad infinitum - or, I suppose, ad minimum).  The skin would 
be stretched tightly because the outer skin of the scrotum would 
shrink in response to cold much more rapidly than the inner 
contents of the scrotum, which would remain at a relatively 
constant temperature. } The skin of your balls was stretched tight 
and smooth over the swollen eggs. {I guess the balls are the 
"swollen eggs."  But, then, I've never seen an egg swell.} It 
looked somehow cherubic and beautiful. {Is "it" the skin?  I'm 
just having a hard time envisioning this.  I think of people as 
being cherubic, but skin?}

Actually, when I look at that passage with all my jargon thrown 
into it, Sue's original passage looks a lot better!  But I'm 
pretty sure all that technical stuff is true.  (I got an A on the 
sex chapter in college biology.  My husband only got a C; but that 
was before he met me and we studied engorgement and shrinking 
together.)

A final problem is that Sue doesn't handle the perspective very 
well.  The overall format is similar to a letter to her boyfriend 
- Sue is reminiscing about what happened on the beach.  But she 
presents some of the details as if this were the first time he had 
heard about them.  For example: "This was one of those beach 
chairs that has those flexible plastic strips running side to 
side, forming the seat."  The *reader* may need to know this, but 
the boyfriend would only need to be *reminded* of it.  Just 
changing the sentence structure would solve the problem.

Now that I've alienated Sue completely, I might as well add the 
clincher:  The guy "fucked her avaricious cunt."  Avaricious means 
greedy with a strong component of miserliness.  What kind of a 
cunt does this woman have?  My own cunt is often voracious, 
sometimes rapacious, but never avaricious.  However, the paper boy 
did refer to me as an avaricious cunt last year when I forgot to 
tip him.

(Note: It has come to my attention that there is at least one 
college composition course in the United States in which students 
are allowed to critique stories they find on the Internet.  Yes, 
the students called the teacher's bluff and brought in some a.s.s. 
stories; and yes, the teacher did permit them to do so.  He 
apparently treats these stories just like any other literature.  
What a novel idea!  He apparently became suspicious when one of 
his students read his report to the class and referred to the D&s 
genre, but he pronounced it jen-ray.  Now the professor reads 
these reviews to check for plagiarism.  Anyhow, since some people 
are getting academic credit for reading this review, I would like 
to point out that the sentence "Celeste is an avaricious cunt" 
contains an example of metonymy.  It's a much more interesting 
example than "counting noses."  The sentence "Celeste is the 
goddess of a.s.s." contains either an accurate metaphor or a 
slight hyperbole.)

On the bright side, I think this is a great final paragraph for 
Sue's story: "I fell asleep wondering whether any of the other 
people on the beach would walk by during our nap. What would they 
have seen -- my cunt dripping semen down through the slats of the 
chair, onto your limp cock, which was coated with streaks of 
already-dry come -- or would they just have paid attention to the 
smug and satisfied smiles on our faces?"  Unfortunately, Sue has 
two paragraphs after this one.  {Am I a bitch today, or what?  I 
think I may convert to D&s tonight, since I'm already in the 
femdom mood.}

Sue is a much better writer than this.  I'll give her the same 
advice I have given other writers.  She should read Sue's 
"Craftsmanship" and imitate that author's excellent style.

The only reason to download this story is so that you'll have a 
complete collection of Sue's works.  It's kinda like "Little 
Dorrit," which would be completely worthless if it weren't written 
by the same guy who wrote "David Copperfield" and "Oliver Twist."  
(I know a great honeymoon joke about Oliver Twist, but I don't 
want to digress.)  But anybody that threw away their original of 
"Little Dorrit" would rue the day he or she did so.

I have enjoyed Sue's stories so much in the past that I feel 
compelled to add an additional paragraph here.  Sue numbers her 
stories.  This was Sue's 8th.  "Louvre Love" was her 5th.  She's 
now on her 21st; so this is an old story.  According to my 
ratings, this story marked the end of the blue (weak) period of 
Sue's writing career.  Her next story was "Slippery When Wet" - a 
10.  In fact, I have reviewed 7 stories written since this one, 
and the only non-10 was "Adventureland," which received a rating 
of 8.  Assuming my ratings are valid, this is an astonishing rate 
of improvement.  

Finally, I would like to tell Sue what I think she should do with 
this story. <pause for effect>  Instead of reposting it and some 
of her older stories, she should either hide them or *revise* 
them.  It is my opinion that too few authors revise their stories; 
they seem to think that once they've posted a story it's written 
in stone. (Note the trite but pithy metaphor.)  Not so!  Among 
examples that I can think of, the Ng sisters have posted revised 
stories that have shown considerable maturation of their skills in 
the revisions.  Likewise, Backrub has revised not only his own 
stories but occasionally those of other writers; and the 
improvements have been substantial.  In addition, the With Sue 
stories (e.g., "Lab Partners" and "On the Catty Corner") have 
almost invariably been excellent - largely, I think, because they 
go through a process of substantial revision.  If a writer would 
go to the trouble of copyrighting a story and publishing it in 
hardback or paperback with a regular publisher, I could understand 
the reluctance to change it.  But one of the advantages of 
electronic publication is that it's so easy to make changes.  If I 
ever see this story posted again, I'd like to see it posted as 
"Sue's 8th Life's a Beach 2.0."  The 2.0 would connote radical 
changes.

To prove what an excellent critic I am, I suggest that we all read 
Sue's next story.  If it's another 10 (which is very likely), 
we'll assume that the "improvement" resulted from my critique.  
(Rating: 4)

* "Louvre Love" by Sue.  As I started reading this story, I was 
impressed.  I thought Sue was going to pull off a really erotic 
story just on the basis of the art in the Louvre.  The girl could 
look at the guy who's getting a hard-on while looking at a 
painting and start blending her thoughts with his.  I said to 
myself, "I hope she doesn't just have the girl take the guy to the 
ladies' room and give him a blowjob."  Well, they didn't go to the 
ladies' room; they went to an exotic storage room instead.  
There's a good porn film by Femme (I don't remember the title; and 
no, I don't watch a lot of porn) that contains a sequence of a 
woman and man in a museum, with the woman fantasizing what she'd 
like to do with the man.  I was hoping that Sue would do something 
similar in this story - bring the protagonists to private orgasms 
right there in the museum on the basis of the erotic thoughts they 
derive from the artwork.  Actually, I'm probably the only one who 
would like my version of the story.  It must have something to do 
with those lonely times in high school when the hottest pictures 
this horny little girl could get my hands on were the art 
paintings with those sensuous gods and goddesses.

Ratings for "Louvre Love"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "Lucy in the Sky" by Sue.  Sue goes for a short vacation in the 
Poconos (that's a "holiday" in the mountains, I think, to you 
British readers) with her old friend Lucy.  She is suspicious that 
Lucy is playing matchmaker - trying to fix her up with a guy.  
"Naw!" I thought. "Lucy is inviting her to an orgy."  (Having met 
with success in predicting Deirdre's plots, I had decided to 
expand to more complex cases.  This one was simple: they will go 
to a mountain retreat with Lucy's boyfriend, and the three of them 
will fuck their mutual brains out in the great outdoors.)  I was 
so close that I'm going to give myself a gold star for that 
prediction.  However, even though I "knew" how the story would 
end, I found it to be a hot and sexy tale.

Sue again shows her ability to write a "rich" story - one with 
lots of details that appear to sometimes appear to be irrelevant 
but actually add to the story by developing the personalities of 
the characters or by setting the physical or emotional environment 
for the sexual activities.  This is not an easy task; it's very 
easy to drift into extraneous details that distract from the 
story.  Readers don't want an inventory of all the items in the 
physical environment or an anthropological description of "a day 
in the life" of the characters; and so it's the author's job to 
decide what to include and what to exclude.  I once received a 
critical comment from a reader who knocked me for picking on Friar 
Dave in "Singapore Girl."  My correspondent pointed out that he 
happened to know that what Friar Dave said in that story was all 
true - the way it "really happened."  My reply was that if Friar 
Dave were writing as an anthropologist or maybe even as an 
autobiographer, then he should include details that have nothing 
to do with the focus of the story.  However, since Friar Dave was 
writing a story, he needed to stick more to his focus (as he does 
in most of his other excellent stories).  At any rate, this 
ability to enrich a story without losing balance is one of Sue's 
main strengths.  Authors who want to enrich their own stories in 
this way should study Sue's technique.  (Sue herself thinks she 
writes good stories because she's one hot chick with a vivid 
imagination.  Not true!  It's because she has an ability to enrich 
a story without losing balance.  Right!)

I encountered some irritating formatting problems with this story: 
(1) I frequently encountered the words "Mail" and "Save as..." at 
strange places throughout the text.  Sue must have some sort of 
macro with her mailer that interprets quotation marks as these 
commands.  I simply used my global replace function to turn these 
back into quotation marks, and the story was much easier to read. 
(2) I noticed that Sue was omitting her apostrophes for 
possessives and for contractions.  On an impulse, I did a search 
for apostrophes in the story and found nary a one of them.  Since 
I am pretty sure Sue knows about the existence of the apostrophe, 
I think Sue should check her mailer, which appears to be deleting 
or altering some punctuation marks.  I mention this publicly 
(rather than in a private note to Sue) because this happens more 
often than authors may realize.  It's a good idea to download your 
stories yourself to see what they actually look like to your 
readers.  Anyway, I resolved not to "take points off" for faulty 
apostrophes and quotation marks, but I encourage Sue to look into 
this when she reposts or archives this story.

This is an excellent story.  The following sentence contains a 
subtle grammar problem.  Can you tell what it is? "The trail was 
very rugged, showing little signs of regular use. "  Answer: there 
should not be an "s" on "signs".  The phrase should be either 
"little sign" or "few signs."  The present sentence says that 
there were tiny (little) signs that the trail was used regularly.  
(Boy! Are my students in for a rough day tomorrow if I don't have 
an orgasm soon!)  (Rating: 10)

* "On the Dock" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com).  Sue goes off for a 
solitary vacation in the forests of Maine.  Certain that she is 
alone, she does the furry wild thing solo by the side of the lake 
and falls asleep.  She is awakened by the sound of the voices of a 
couple who have been observing her from a nearby cabin.  She 
feigns sleep and watches them make love on their dock.  
Afterwards, they join her with the promise of additional mutually 
hot sex.

Sue does her usual good job of describing sexual activities in 
vivid detail and of making the sex fit in perfectly with the mood 
set by the environment.  This is another excellent story.

Ratings for "On the Dock"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Red Hot" by Sue (suenh@kear.tdsnet.com).  This story has a 
build-up that is itself longer than most of the sex stories on 
this newsgroup.  By the time the real sex got started, I felt that 
I actually knew the participants.  

Sue serves as an art consultant to an elementary school.  She 
meets with the teachers and principal; and after school she finds 
it necessary to accompany John (the principal) and two of the 
teachers (Polly and Michael) to the married couple's house.  The 
chemistry starts to warm up when Michael shows Sue how to improve 
her technique at cutting zucchini - a vegetable I have never 
before seen mentioned on this newsgroup.  The others eventually 
discover that this person with them is THE SueNH from the most 
popular Newsgroup on Internet.  John has practically died and gone 
to heaven, because not only does he lurk on alt.sex.stories (which 
draws him to Sue), but he also is constantly on the alert for 
stories and pictures of red-heads (a disability which attracts him 
to Polly).  Fortunately, John is not also attracted to burly, 
male, Eastern European art teachers; and so the prospects for 
grouping and groping look good.

When someone suggests that Sue could write a story about their 
gathering, she disingenuously suggests that she needs more hints, 
and then the orgy ensues.  It turns out that red-haired Polly does 
not object in principle to making it with her principal when she 
lets her down, and Michael is especially interested in Sue now 
that he has learned that she is one of the three hottest women on 
alt.sex.stories.  It is only fitting that I end this pun-filled 
paragraph with Sue's own award-winning statement about Polly as 
she went to work on John: "Normally he was the principal. Tonight 
she was the headmistress."  And I was so damned pleased with my 
own humble pun about the orgy ensuing!

An interesting element of the story is that Sue several times 
mentions her own personal distaste for anal sex.  She likes to be 
rimmed, but objects up the ass tend to strike her as painful.  
{You know, it's really hard to write this paragraph without 
sounding like I'm making puns! But I'm trying to be serious here.}  
The effect is really interesting.  Sue is actually able to make 
the story more erotic by mentioning the kind of sex she is NOT 
having.

For some reason the formatting of Sue's story has run amuck.  
There are no apostrophes at all in the entire story, even though 
many are called for. In addition, all the beginning quotes have 
been changed to "Mail" and the end quotes to "Save as...".  This 
is really quite annoying.  I am certain that Sue is smart enough 
not to make these mistakes; but the effect is severely 
distracting.  I suggest that you use a global change strategy to 
get rid of the "Mail" and "Save as..." problem.  Somebody out 
there must know what is happening.  Is everyone getting this 
mucked up version of the story, or is it the result of some sort 
of interaction between Sue's system and my AOL system?  I suggest 
this possibility, because I found a similar problem in one other 
(but not all) of the stories that I downloaded from the postings 
through AOL this week.  If someone can tell me the solution to 
this problem, I'll post it in a future issue.  I suspect that a 
lot of readers and writers would like to know what to do about 
this.

Ratings for "Red Hot"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Slippery When Wet" by Sue.  I was going to read this story late 
at night and write the review right away, but after a story like 
that I have to take a break and visit my husband.  He's going to 
wake up with one hot mouth around his cock!  This was a truly 
erotic story.  I can't do it justice by trying to summarize it - 
It's about a girl and a guy who get into the fitness center 
jacuzzi after closing time.  Read the story for the rest.

The only part that I didn't like at first was when they let the 
three college kids join them in the jacuzzi.  Actually, I liked 
that part too; but except for that part, I'd be ecstatic for a 
chance to do exactly what the two of them did.  Sue has one of the 
best disclaimer's of all the a.s.s. writers: "Reading and writing 
these stories should be acts of fantasy, and I hope that you can 
keep your notions of real and fantasy life separate in your mind. 
I know I can."  And so can I! (Rating 10.0)

* "To Serve and Protect" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com). If you read my 
review of Sue's "Life's a Beach" in CR 20, you may recall that I 
theorized that Sue wrote bad stories before her 8th.  Well, either 
she has renumbered the stories or I was wrong.  This one (her 6th) 
is one of her best.  Sue is driving down a highway in Maine, 
mentally reliving some of her recent sexual exploits.  The wind 
and fresh air have an erotic effect on her and her fingers begin 
to wander.  Eventually a police pulls her over because of her 
erratic (or erotic) driving.  The cop is a perfect gentleman, but 
after he verifies that she's not dangerous and gives her a stern 
lecture, he does public relations work with Sue - if you know what 
I mean!  They don't call those Maine cops Mounties for nothing.  
As Sue herself says, "With a cock this big, what need does he have 
for a night stick! "

This is Sue at her best: an excellent build-up plus detailed and 
graphic descriptions of the actual sexual encounter.  If you want 
an example of excellent punctuation, you should read this story.  
Likewise, if you're studying the impact of Mayan civilization on 
the modern world economy you should read this story.  You won't 
necessarily learn a lot about either punctuation or Mayans, but 
you'll certainly enjoy a good story.  (Rating: 10)

* "A Weekend on the Island" by Anonymous (suenh@kear.tdsnet.com).  
This was recently reposted by someone else as simply "On the 
Island."  Sue has certainly become popular on alt.sex.stories 
lately.  In addition to starring in the previous story and this 
one, she has reposted several of her own stories in the past few 
weeks; and she was the central figure in my own "Virtuous 
Reality."  The present story is written in the form of a letter to 
a minister from his wife, who has been spending the weekend on an 
island with the assistant pastor and Sue and her boyfriend.  I 
guess you could say that Sue was doing some missionary work, 
although she was rarely in that position.  This story contains a 
lot of really hot sex between and among the various characters.  
The most serious problem I encountered was that at one point Ross 
was staring at Sue with his eyes closed.  I think that would be 
hard to do; but with Sue all things are possible.  Since this is a 
partially religious tract, I suppose it is appropriate to conclude 
with a partially religious question.  Is it more blessed for the 
pastor's wife to give or to receive head from the assistant pastor 
while traveling at 65 m.p.h. on the expressway on the way home 
from the island?

Ratings for "A Weekend on the Island"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "You Big, Me Doll" by SueNH (Repost by Bookman Archives 
<readebks@wolfenet.COM>).  SueNH used to be one of the most 
prolific and most popular authors on this newsgroup.  I have not 
seen any new writings by Sue in nearly a year.  I hope she 
returns:  I find her stories often to be a model of excellent 
story development.  I am also reposting reviews of three more of 
her stories that have recently been reposted by Bookman Archives.

The present story is one of Sue's earliest attempts. It describes 
Sue having a dream in which her lover is normal size and she has 
shrunk to the size of a tiny doll - a la "Honey, I Lost the Kids" 
or (at a higher level of sophistication) "Gulliver's Travels."  It 
may sound difficult for an itty bitty woman to have sex with a 
huge mother of a guy {note the unusual but legitimate use of the 
word "mother"}, but Sue does all right, even without full vaginal 
penetration.

This isn't Sue's best story, but it's still interesting.  If you 
want a much sexier story by this author, try "Craftsmanship," 
which is reviewed below.

Ratings for "You Big, Me Doll"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8


