Celestial Reviews 264 - March 7, 1998

Note: A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all 
out - a caterer, a band, and a professional clown. Just before the party 
starts, two derelicts show up at the backdoor looking for a handout. 
Feeling sorry for the derelicts, the woman tells them that she will give 
them a meal if they first help chop some wood for her out back. 
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. {Sexual tension, eh?}

The guests arrive, and all is going well.  The children are having a 
wonderful time, but the clown hasn't shown up. After another half hour, 
the clown finally calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will 
probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed.  After unsuccessfully trying to 
entertain the children herself, she happens to look out the window and 
sees one of the derelicts doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches 
in awe as he swings from tree branches, leaps high into the air, and 
does midair flips.

She calls out to the other derelict and says, "What your friend is doing 
is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.  Do you think 
he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the 
party? I would pay him $50!"

The other derelict replies, "Well, I dunno.  Let me ask him. HEY JOE!  
FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Second note: Sorry about that first joke. I figure if some people tell 
smutty jokes in polite company, I can occasionally tell a polite joke in 
smutty company.  To make up for that one, here's a quickie:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is 
wearing an earring. He knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative 
fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah.  Sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Err... ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Fay's First Fist Fuck" by Misty (violent anal sex)
            6, 3, 3
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330941337

       "A Poorly Written Essay" by Lord Malinov (fucking the
             English teacher) 10, 8, 8
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330584743

       "Mike's Trip" by SR (adult/teen sex) 10, 7, 5
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330613593

       "90210: Valerie" by Beowulf The Dragon Slayer (disjointed
             adolescent sitcum parody) 5, 5, 3
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331187988

       "Best Laid Plans" by Kim (odd bondage) 9, 9, 9
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331561341

       "Competitive Women" by David Rogers (business sex)
             8, 7, 7
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329802987

       "Table Talk" by Sandman (unrequited love) 10, 9, 9
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331182527

       "Ask Me Anything" by TMC (romance) 10, 10, 10
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473300

       "Limits" by Rajah Dodger (romance) 10, 10, 10
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331377164

       "Wishfull Thinking" by WinterWindz (quickie) 5, 5, 5
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331187967
 
 Guest Reviews: 
 
       "Her Name Was Yuki" by Richard Rivers (teen sex) 9.5, 10, 10
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330247855

       "To See Or Not To See" by J.B. Mast (public & private sex)
             8, 8, 9
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329807483

       "Gym Games" by Paul Potiki (antipodean  shenanigans) 
            8, 9, 6/9
          (Unretrievable)

       "Kissing Margaret" by See-El (teen ff sex) 6, 9, 8
          http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330236864

       "Scandia: A Swedish Rhapsody" by Day Dreamer (sex at
             first sight) 10, 10, 10
           http://x1.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=185581604 

       "Terror in the 100 Acre Wood" by Red Jill (children's
             literature parody) 10, 10, 10
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330553974
 
 Reposted Reviews:
 
     * "Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (foot fetish) 10, 9, 9
           http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331377157
 
 * = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
       reposted)
 
"Fay's First Fist Fuck" by Misty (purfect9@aol.com).  Sometimes I 
don't know exactly how to take these stories.  I mean, does this 
author seriously believe it is possible to do what this story 
describes without serious and permanent tissue or organ damage?  
As I understand it, the guy has his arm up the girl's ass - all 
the way to his elbow!  With talent like that, this guy should get 
a proctology scholarship! Or he could be one helluva puppeteer.

The reason the girl is doing this is because she wants to remain a 
virgin.  This is probably a religious conviction.  As you know, 
lots of major religions say, "Women are 'pure' as long as they 
only take arms up their ass to the guy's elbow."  Or maybe the 
girl is anticipating her wedding night: "Honey, have you ever done 
this before?" "No.  I've just taking a fist and fore-arm up my 
ass.  Oooh!  It gets me hot for you just thinking about it."

Actually, I think this whole story is a prolonged dumb blonde 
joke.  She thinks anal sex means once a year {get it? annual} and 
that when her boyfriend says he wants to fist fuck her, that means 
he wants to stick his thingy into her fist and jerk off.

I hope I haven't ruined this story for you.  Just in case, I'll make it 
up to you by telling you a little story that is similar to but probably 
better than the one I just reviewed:

A gay man and his lover wake up after a long night of sex. When they get 
together for coffee in the kitchen, the gay man says, "That was quite a 
night." 

His lover replies, "Yes, it was. But I think your condom fell off in my 
ass. I'd appreciate it if you'd take it out."

So the lover bends over, and the man sticks his finger up his ass to 
find the condom. He feels around for a minute and says, "I don't feel 
anything in there. Are you sure?"

His lover replies, "Yes. Look a little deeper."

So he shoves his whole hand in, up to the wrist. He feels around for a 
minute and says, "I don't feel anything in there. Are you sure?"

His lover replies, "Yes. Look a little deeper."

So, he shoves his arm in, up to the elbow, and he feels something with 
the tip of his finger. He finally hooks it and slowly pulls it out. He 
holds it up to look at it and sees a gold watch! His lover whirls 
around, throws up his arms and yells, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"

Ratings for "Fay's First Fist Fuck"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"A Poorly Written Essay" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com).  
This story demonstrates the value of using good grammar when 
writing about sex.  For example, don't make a noun plural by 
adding apostrophe s ('s).  This rule applies to all nouns -  
including proper nouns.  The purpose of an apostrophe with a noun 
is to show possession.

Actually, this story doesn't even remotely demonstrate what I said 
it did in the previous paragraph.  It's about a college kid's 
fantasy of fucking his English teacher.  My mind must have 
wandered for a moment.  

English teachers don't engage in nonsense like this, especially 
right there in their offices.  And those apostrophes really are 
important.

Ratings for "A Poorly Written Essay"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Mike's Trip" by SR (parasol_60@yahoo.com).  Actually, SR did not 
write this story. SR writes on his disclaimer: "It was written by 
'Mike' for 'Angel' -- a supposed pre-legal nymphet he met and 
chatted with online. Does that make this 'M/f pedo'? Even if there 
wasn't a chance in hell she was really a pre-legal nymphet?"

The answer is no, that's no what makes this story M/f pedo.  It's 
the content of the story that accomplishes that task.  Mike goes 
to Florida and finds a teenage nymphet in his room.  She joins him 
for a shower and for sex.  She's going to be his little sex slave 
for as long as he likes.

I didn't find this story to be seriously depraved; but it WAS a 
bit of an emotional turn-off.  The constant references to the 
"adolescent" and "teen" features of the girl kept reminding me in 
a rather silly fashion that we had an adult boinking a kid.  The 
story was actually more laughable than depraved.  The 
conversations followed a sort of ritualistic language: ""Yes, 
baby. Fuck your cum-slave's tight little asshole with your thick 
man-cock!" Has any teenage girl ever shouted to her adult Big 
Bopper, "Fuck my young ass!"

It was like reading the stilted dialogue of some of the old 
romantic authors we used to have to read in uninspired English 
classes.  I'm not going to name names here.  I get in too much 
trouble with these authors' fan clubs.  But be assured that I am 
NOT talking about John Milton this time.

Ratings for "Mike's Trip"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"90210: Valerie" by Beowulf The Dragon Slayer 
(dragonslayer@iname.com)

The author states in his disclaimer, "Feedback is most wellcome. 
Again, I don't have time to proof-read is so there are bound to be 
some mistakes."  Yes there IS some mistakes.  

Do you suppose there really are a lot of people so desperate for 
something to read that they'll take the time to read a story that 
the author himself doesn't give a shit about?

This author had an idea about sex and 90210.  It was such an 
exciting idea that he wanted to share it with us.  He sat down and 
started typing.  He forgot some of his ideas as he went along and 
got others confused, but there was nothing he could do about this, 
because - as we all know - the only way to write a story is to 
start it, keep on typing, and never look back.  He had a basic 
plot that had become garbled, boring, and essentially illiterate.  
What could he do with it?  What indeed!  And he's going to write 
more stories in this series!  I'll beet there going to half 
mistakes two.

Ratings for "90210: Valerie"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Best Laid Plans" by Kim (ghost@nym.alias.net).  Kim's stories are 
archived at http://www.io.com/~thebear/kimidx.htm.

There are a million reasons not to bind yourself completely to 
your bed in anticipation of your lover.  This story demonstrates 
one of those reasons.  Actually, this story demonstrates several 
of those reasons.  Indeed, this story applies Murphy's Law to that 
situation.

Very early in the story I put two and two together and figured out 
the end of the story.  It's not that I'm really smart.  I don't 
know much about history.  I don't know much about geometry.  But I 
have begun to understand Kim's mind - at least to the point where 
I can tell when and how I am being set up in her stories.  Yeah, 
right!

OK.  Now I don't want to give this story away.  We have Kim bound 
and handcuffed to the bed, waiting for Rob.  The phone rings, and 
Kim hears Rob telling the answering machine that he won't be 
coming home till late that evening.  Soon she hears a burglar in 
the house.  Oh, I forgot: Kim is NAKED and handcuffed, etc.  To 
make matters worse, the burglar is disguised in a Richard Nixon 
mask.  You know - Richard Nixon - the guy who saw "Deep Throat" 
fifty times, so that he could get it down Pat.  I'm sorry: I'm 
supposed to leave the political satire to one of my guest 
reviewers.

The really bad part about the burglar in the Tricky Dick mask is 
that he remains silent, but he still wants to communicate with 
Kim.  In short, Kim is going to be raped by a Bad Mime.  Realizing 
that Kim is THE Kim of a.s.s. fame, Tricky Dick wants her to 
finish one of her stories for him.

There's surprisingly little sex in this story.  There's also a 
surprisingly long story in this story.  There are also a large 
number of allusions to a.s.s.d. people, and the millions of 
readers who don't go to that newsgroup may miss some of these.  

Overall, it was a good story, but not one of Kim's best. But 
remember: not all of Shakespeare's plays were his best either.

Ratings for "Best Laid Plans"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Competitive Women" by David Rogers (davidr8@poboxes.com). A 
business executive finds himself in a position - actually in 
several positions, most of which are not missionary - where he has 
to decide which of two former classmates will receive an important 
business contract from his company.  Alas, they are both eager to 
trade sexual favors for the contract; and also alas, they each 
have a tendency to be on the phone talking to him while the other 
is engaging in more direct sexual stimulation.  So he awards the 
contract to both of them.  This results in a cat fight and more 
sex.  The story ends abruptly - as if the author just ran out of 
idea or lost interest in the story.  Too bad.  It had potential.

Ratings for "Competitive Women"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Table Talk" by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com).  The author's stories 
are archived at ftp://asstr.ml.org/pub/Authors/sandman/index.html).  

Have you ever sat at a table in a restaurant with someone you love and 
talked about how much fun that person might have fucking somebody else 
in the room?  Isn't it fun to get your lover all turned on, and don't 
you sometimes get so turned on that you can't wait to get to a more 
private place and rip each others clothes off - unless, of course, you 
happen to be wearing no panties, and the restaurant has long 
tablecloths, and your partner is able to remove his shoes and socks, 
and....

That's sort of what happens in this story - except that the two 
friends go their separate ways at the end of the evening with the 
people they have been sizing up in the restaurant.

Ratings for "Table Talk"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Ask Me Anything" by TMC (ck29@anon.nymserver.com).  This story is 
creative, romantic, and poetic.  It's difficult to summarize. You 
can read it in 2.5 minutes.  I suggest that you do so.

Ratings for "Ask Me Anything"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Limits" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@hotmail.com).  This is a serious 
but erotic story.  The narrator is a young man whose lover (wife, 
perhaps) has died.  This story takes us from the funeral, where a 
woman he doesn't know gives him her condolences, to the time when 
he is ready to resume normal life.  I don't want to tell you more.  
As I said, it's a serious but erotic story. 

Ratings for "Limits"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Wishfull Thinking" by WinterWindz (winterwindz@yahoo.com). The 
author probably wrote this story for her "master" in about five 
short sessions - using a new paragraph and a new verb tense each 
time.  There's actually a certain sexy exuberance to this story, 
but it's buried beneath the grammatical mishmash and lack of plot 
development.

Ratings for "Wishfull Thinking"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Her Name Was Yuki" by Richard Rivers (r_rivers@cryogen.com). Guest 
review by Poison Ivan.  

This is the story of a shy teenage boy's obsession with Yuki, the new 
Japanese volleyball player in school.  Well, it's actually a lot more 
complicated than that.  It turns out Yuki's mother happens to be the 
school's new counselor, and Richard develops quite a crush on Mrs. 
Tanaka, too.

The story tells the tale of Richard befriending both mother and 
daughter, which eventually leads to an unexpected tryst in the 
counselor's office.  This gives poor Richard even more troubles to worry 
about, as his desires and insecurities run roughshod over his teenage 
emotions.

Mrs. Tanaka and Yuki have problems of their own, and when the sleazy gym 
teacher Mr. Roberts makes a play for Mrs. Tanaka,  Richard rushes in to 
save the day.  Of course Richard is appropriately rewarded for his 
gallantry.

The author does a good job making the boy's fears and jealousies real.  
I was once a teenage boy myself, I can easily relate to the infatuation 
and mixed emotions of the main character.  It brought back some 
memories, both fond and embarrassing.

Technically, it's not a perfect story, but there are very few errors for 
a story of this length.  The plot is interesting and well told.  The 
characters are ably described and feel real.

My only substantial complaint is that this very long story has very 
little sex in it.  If you're looking for a story to jerk off to before 
you go to bed, try something else.  But if you want to see a sensitive 
portrayal of a teenage boy as he stumbles into his first sexual 
relationship, you could do a lot worse.  Personally, I like 
introspective stories, so I enjoyed this one a lot.

Although the sex in this story is not between people of the same age, 
the sexual situations are treated with care and subtlety.  I doubt many 
people will find this story offensive.

Ratings for "Her Name Was Yuki"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 10

"To See Or Not To See" by J.B. Mast (Mastwords1@aol.com).  Guest review 
by Dart.

Adam and his wife Julie are having dinner out, celebrating his promotion 
to Vice President at Arrow Electronics. It's been ten years since Adam 
started his career at Arrow, and they had celebrated that beginning at 
the same restaurant, and with the same menu selection that they have 
ordered this evening. Julie planned the evening that way; she remembers 
such things, but she doesn't think Adam does. He surprises her by 
remembering that evening, by remembering that they're at the same 
restaurant and have ordered the same dishes. But he also remembers how 
they excited each other during dinner. That portion of their previous 
celebration wasn't part of Julie's plan for this evening--she had a 
different, more exotic, sexual agenda planned--but Adam is very 
encouraging and Julie's a supportive spouse.

What follows is a pretty steamy scene of public sex, and then, in the 
ladies' room, of private sex. Back at their table, Julie's so washed out 
that she's not sure she has the energy for Adam's planned "dessert." But 
when Adam learns what it is .... Well, Julie's a very supportive wife.

I really liked this story, but I do have some complaints. I think the 
dialogue is a tad too formal for the scene the story describes. I also 
think, though this is certainly arguable, that given the way Adam and 
Julie's encounter unfolded at the restaurant table, the wrong person was 
on their knees in the ladies' room.

There were also minor typo and editing problems. Adam was once referred 
to as "Michael." In the paragraph:

     He took a bite of bread and then forked some salad while I
     watched.  She had her eyes locked onto his, smiling at him
     as she unbuttoned her crisp white shirt top with her long
     slim fingers.

the "I" should be "she," unless it's kinkier than I believe.

With a very little assistance from one of Celeste's marvelous 
proofreaders, this good story could have been even better.

Ratings for "To See Or Not To See"
Athena (technical quality): 8 
Venus (plot & character): 8
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Gym Games" by Paul Potiki (guanolad@deepsouth.co.nz). Review by Sven 
the Elder (Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk).

Since there is a dearth of story codes supplied, I'll insert them for 
the incipient readership.  Following Uther's most excellent FAQ the 
title should, I believe, read: Gym Games (Mfffff ws), that at least 
would have allowed me to be a little less squicked than I was. Which 
will give away the fact that the story is a tad low on appeal to this 
reviewer.

However - there has of late been an interesting discussion on assd of 
the merits and anti-merits of reviewing.  In the last CR Celeste herself 
made some of her own views clear.  As I have recently turned down the 
request to review several stories, I felt that I ought to at least try 
to be objective with this one. BTW the stories I gently refused were 
well outside my personal limits and I wrote a reasoned response as to 
why I did not wish to tackle them - not that that matters at all to 
review readers.

I have in past reviews chatted gently about stories that we read on 
these ng's, and how I enjoy most of them, even if they don't 
particularly 'ring my bells'.  My personal preference is for stories 
that you can believe in, be part of, if you like.  Stories that weave 
tales, involve us in a little bit of the action.  Stories that we might 
*want* to be part of.  

Gym Games troubles me.  The scene is set, and set well in a school gym.  
We learn a little about the teacher, why he has to take the class in the 
normal PE teachers absence.  Then the stragglers arrive and a rebellious 
lot they are to.  Punishment is needed, but what to do?  At this point 
further description would spoil the story, but I will say that if this 
were to happen in RL the teacher would be escorted from the premises so 
fast he would appear to be levitating.  In my school days in the fifties 
and sixties (Bugger there goes any pretense of keeping *my* age 
discreet!) we had a teacher who 'interfered' with a male pupil - yes it 
*was* an English public school. The alleged incident occurred on a 
Saturday night, neither Master or Pupil was  there on the Sunday 
morning.  The dismissed Master left before dawn, the Pupil's parent 
drove through the night and removed him before breakfast. We never saw 
or heard about either of them again. Now there would be the most God 
Almighty court case as well. I note that the author has an e-mail 
address in New Zealand; I suspect that it would be little different 
there. 

So there we are then, now how to mark this tale of antipodean  
shenanigans?  Well the story is technically acceptable.  My spell 
checker, with the a.s.s. asbestos dictionary loaded, passed all without  
comment - Oh BTW a 'perq' is spelt 'perk' - but, well, who's counting 
for just one error.  Grammar and construction caused me no grief, so as 
nothing was other than as it should be, with no exceptional bits to 
raise above - we go for an eight in this section. For plot and character 
I have to say that the scene and build-up were well set; it may have 
been a long time since I was in a school gymnasium, but this brought 
back memories.  The characters of the main protagonists were well drawn 
and were good character sketches. A nine for this section then. *Now* we 
come to the contentious one, how did *I* like and rate the story.  As it 
went I enjoyed it; yes squicked a bit by the ending, but that is neither 
the first nor will it be the last time on this ng <grin>! So where to 
place the last mark? Billy(G) set a precedent recently  by putting two 
marks for this section, one for his own appreciation  and one as to how 
he *suspected* people who liked the genre *might* view it. Although it 
is outside of Celeste's methods I think I might well continue that 
thought.  My own appeal was low, being generous at six - I did quite 
enjoy it up towards that ending.  For a watersports lover the story has, 
I believe, most all that they might want and would  make a nine.

Ratings for  "Gym Games"
Technical quality: 8
Plot & character:  9
Sven (appeal to reviewer):  6 / 9

"Kissing Margaret" by See-El (See-El@nym.alias.net). Guest review 
by Fiddler.

When I give a story to someone to read, I can wait until later to 
learn whether I used gerunds instead of verbs or confused "peddle" 
with "pedal."  What I want to know first is whether the story 
_worked_.  I think that this is the real meaning of the 
controversial third number in Celestial reviews.

And, of course, any reader can only tell you whether the story 
worked for him.

The rest of the numbers deal with objective material which might 
make the story work better, or might kick another reader out of a 
story which worked for me.  The critical question, however, is 
still how well the story worked.  

The present story, for example, is better than the sum of its 
parts.  

The story line is sweet, if not blazingly original.  One young-
teen girl, Claire sleeps over with another, Margaret.  They go 
from discussing boys to practicing their kisses on one another to 
full cunnilingus.  

The language, while careless in places and reading like a word-
for-word translation in others, distracted me less than coarse, or 
even plodding, language would have.

This story would work _better_ with a bit of proofreading and 
without an introduction saying that it isn't the author's best 
work.  It does, however, work as it stands.

Ratings for "Kissing Margaret"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 9
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 8

"Scandia: A Swedish Rhapsody" by Day Dreamer.  Guest Review by Sandman 
(sandman@bitsmart.com).

As I read the first part of the story where Neil meets the Swedish Onny 
at a party I was already thinking, "This is probably a triple ten 
story."  The character descriptions were breathtaking in their detail, 
and while the "love and my place or yours" at first sight forum moved 
maybe a little to quickly for me, it wasn't that jarring.   The enamored 
couple ditch the party and head to Onny's apartment where they have some 
of the most vividly described oral sex I've ever seen in an story on 
these newsgroups.   

It is probably one of the more novel premises of a story that after the 
oral sex they share their stories (who they are, what they're looking 
for) as they caress each other after the first moment of passion.  In 
some stories we learn about the characters before the sex happens, in 
others we learn about the characters through the sex, in this one we 
learn about the characters after the sex.  

The story comprises a Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday 
morning. It is almost 100K of pure, vividly described sex with two very 
exciting, romantic, and obviously infatuated characters.  I personally 
was a bit disappointed at the ending, where we learn one more thing 
about the characters.  Other readers will probably be completely 
intrigued by what I thought was a disturbing and unnecessary tangent.  
That said, the ending did not disturb me enough to affect the overall 
appeal.

"Scandia" is a BEAUTIFULLY written, tender, romantic, hot, erotic story, 
and it definitely has my recommendation as an enjoyable read. 

There is also an un-reviewed sequel posted at 
http://x1.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=186915487 

Ratings for "Scandia"
Athena (technical quality): 10 -- Perfect.
Venus (plot & character): 10    -- Sex at first sight.  Hot & erotic.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 10 - Definitely a must-read.

"Terror in the 100 Acre Wood" by Red Jill (redjill@aol.com).  This 
review is the personal opinion of Kim, who can be contacted at 
ghost@nym.alias.net.

Well now, here's a thing. I'll bet not many of you expected to see 
a review of a story involving repeated snuffs, a rape, 
infanticide, sickening violence and more squicks than you can 
shake a honey jar at. And what's more, I expect even fewer 
expected the rating I'm giving it.

OK, I'll come clean. This is a very black, black comedy. Jill has 
obviously had enough of the loathsomly cute Disney representation 
of the much better books by A.A. Milne of the inhabitants of the 
Hundred Acre Wood.

In Jill's dystopian vision, Pooh has got himself a smack habit and 
in a fit of revulsion at the continued patronizing by Christopher 
Robin proceeds to dismember him with an ax. The deed done, Pooh 
sets out to rid the woods of all the other characters who annoy 
him, with the notable exception of Rabbit, who's become his 
supplier.

Quite how Pooh dispatches the others I'll leave to you to find 
out. As a piece of black comedy writing I can find no fault. Maybe 
attributing the story "Pooh Goes Apeshit" to A.A. Milne himself is 
going a bit too far in the satire stakes, if only for possible 
legal reasons. But ignoring that slight quibble, I thought it 
brilliantly funny, very well written, and a joy to read.

Ratings for "Terror in the 100 Acre Wood" 
Athena (technical quality): 10 (Excellent)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (Ingenious)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 10 (I wish I'd written it)

* "Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@hotmail.com).  In 
the list preceding the reviews I labeled this a "foot fetish" 
story.  I did so for two reasons: (1) That's what the author 
himself claimed it was.  (2) Nobody would have read this review if 
I would have labeled it "gerontological sex."  Yup!  Here we have 
two old codgers going at it like spring chickens.  Whoda thunk 
it!?  It's a story about nice quiet sex that starts when two 
people have a conversation on a bus, progress to a foot massage, 
and then do what comes naturally.  You know, until now I've just 
been worrying about my daughters being corrupted by this world of 
cybersex.  You don't think my mother....)

Ratings for "Sticky Afternoon"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to this reviewer): 9


GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: Some readers have encouraged me to resume these 
grammar tips.  If you have suggestions or comments, please send them to 
me.

I.E. and E.G.  The abbreviation "i.e." means "that is." The abbreviation 
"e.g." means "for example."  In most cases, these abbreviations occur in 
parentheses.

      Sexual practices that she considered bizarre (e.g., anal sex, 
            threesomes, and bestiality) were often of extreme interest
            to her husband.  {The items within parentheses are merely
            samples from a longer list.}

      Sexual practices that she considered bizarre (i.e., anal sex, 
            threesomes, and bestiality) were often of extreme interest
            to her husband.  {The items within parentheses are the whole
             list of what she considers to be bizarre.}

      Sexual practices that she considered bizarre (i.e., anything 
            other than missionary sex) were often of extreme interest
            to her husband. {The statement within parentheses 
             describes all of what she considers to be bizarre.}

In most cases, it would be better to say "That is" or "For example" 
(often in a whole clause or sentence without the parentheses) in place 
of the abbreviation. The abbreviations are most often appropriate in 
technical writing or in footnotes or bibliographies.

      Sexual practices that she considered bizarre, which included 
            anything other than missionary sex) were often of extreme 
            interest to her husband. 

When they read out loud sentences that contain these abbreviations, it 
is usually considered good form to state the English meaning.  That is, 
don't read "eye eee"; simply say, "That is...."

ETC. and ET AL.  The abbreviation "etc." means "and other things."  It 
refers to an incomplete list of THINGS.  It is incorrect to say "and 
etc."  The abbreviation "et al." also means "and others,"  but it refers 
to an incomplete list of PERSONS.  The distinction is considered 
important by anyone who knows the difference.  {"Et al." can also mean 
"and elsewhere in a bibliography.}

You should use ETC. primarily when there is a legitimate reason not to 
want to state an entire list - for example, when it would be boring to 
state the entire list.  You should avoid using it when you are simply 
lazy or don't know what to put in the entire list. {Note that there is a 
comma before "etc."}

In most cases, ET AL. is used to restate a list that has already been 
stated once.  For example, if you cite in your bibliography a book by 
Dewey, Fuquahr, Good, Long, and Harde, you might name all the authors 
the first time you cite these people, but refer to them as Dewey, et al. 
thereafter.  {Note that there is a comma before "et al."}

When people read out loud sentences that contain these abbreviations, it 
is usually considered good form to pronounce "etc." as "et cetera."  
However, most people say "and others" when they read "et al." out loud.

