Celestial Reviews 285 - June 3, 1998

Note: The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came 
back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to 
hear the details. She said, "Well he was a big, muscular and handsome 
marine." 

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. 

She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he 
did not have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he 
did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you 
have?'" 

"The marine said he only had $25. So I told him 'For $25 all I can give 
you is a hand job'" He agreed; and after getting the finances straight, 
he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above 
that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I 
put the firsthand above the second hand...." 

"Oh my God!" the others  all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then 
what did you do?" 

"I loaned him $75!"

Second note: There were three priests in a railroad station, all 
wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, 
very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were 
all in embarrassing new territory; so they drew straws to determine who 
would get the tickets. 

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I 
would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost 
his composure and fled. 

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets 
to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and 
dimes." So of course he also fled. 

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to 
Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I 
must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you 
get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

Third note: Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra: 
      
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman 
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"
     
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 
     
1. Just do her.
      
     
Some honorable mentions:
     
"We work harder, so you don't have to" 
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight" 
"Viagra, home of the whopper"
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

Fourth note:  Some discussion on a.s.s.d. has focused on the need to 
standardize the ratings that my guest reviewers give to the stories 
they review.  If somebody can tell me how to do this, I am willing to 
listen to suggestions.  However, my impression is that it's not worth 
the effort.  If I insisted that all reviewers follow a rigid set of 
guidelines, I would quickly lose all my reviewers.  My experience is 
that each reviewer develops his/her own consistent pattern; and readers 
can figure out what those patterns are.

The best solution is to focus on the REVIEW, not the numbers, to select 
stories.  It's relatively easy to identify a reviewer's preferences and 
biases and to use this information to find out which stories are likely 
to appeal to you.  If you want to find "the best stories," I suggest 
that you use the monthly lists.  I'll grant that even these lists are 
subjective, but I at least try to identify the best stories reviewed 
during a particular time frame.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my 
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

New Reviews:

"Closing Time" by David 2 (strip club orgy) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=352431687

"Janey's April" by Janey (mom's sexual emergence) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353553125 

"French Kisses" by Sandman (lover's sexual emergence) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353547546 

"Wager" by Unknown Author (gambling for sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058717

"Gifts" by fcp (rekindling old love) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355043915

"Dancing in the Dark" by Michael K. Smith (very tender emotion)
            10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309121662

Guest Reviews:

"Every Man's Fantasy" By Hangten (Spanish fly sex)
            10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034291  01
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302239  02
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034310  03
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302268  04
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349230199  05
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034332  06
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667327  07
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667338  08
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667358  09
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667348  10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667322  11

"Twighlight Cafe" by Seurat (femdom revenge) 8, 4, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=351990771

"Cannon Song" by Miles Naismith (truth or dare sex) 9.6, 9, 9.7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353349595

"On Her Leg" by LeAnna (sexual fetish) 9, 7, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961858

"Payback - Or Life's a Beach " by Kim (Spring Orgy) 8, 8, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355958865

"The Sleeping Beauty - A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups" by Jo G
            (sexual awakening) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961849

"The Anniversary" by EzRiter (rekindling romance) 9, 7, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355700593

"Love Conquers All" by JS3729 (sexual revenge) 5.0
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045665
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045668
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045670 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045672
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045675 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045680 

Reposted Reviews:

* "Of Fights and Fantasy" by Summer's Rose (spanking) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357387441

* "Secretary Love" by Fin Haddie (office reomance) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416095
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416115

* "Rain" by Mark Aster (voyeurism & sex on the beach)
            10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349939639

* "Rain" by M.M. Twassel (voyeurism & emerging sexuality)
            9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=209456923

* "Dancing In the Dark" by "Weird Writer" (Sex by Braille)
            10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334660359


"Closing Time" by David 2 (davidm2@mindspring.nospam.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=352431687

Sarah is one of those college graduates who started stripping during 
college but kept it up after graduation, because she could derive a 
steadier income and contribute more to humanity than she could by 
becoming an English teacher or mayor of a small town.

The Sunset Club, where Sarah works, used to be a high-priced brothel. 
Members were given black cards, and the guys would get their pick of 
the ladies.  The cops shut it down about ten years ago.  But the 
owner's brother bought the place and re-opened it as strictly a strip 
club.  The deal he has with the city is that nothing improper is 
supposed to go on while the club is open for business.  So until 
closing time, everything has to be by the book. But after hours 
anything goes; and our narrator has a black card with Sarah's name on 
it.

So after the club closes the narrator has wild passionate sex with 
Sarah, while everybody else is fucking everybody else.  Imagine that.

This is clearly fantasy sex.  If you've ever visited one of these 
clubs, you'll know that the women there are not as glamorous as Sarah 
and her friends.  But if we can do revisionist history for "cowboys" 
and American Indians, I suppose we can do it for strip clubs too.

Ratings for "Closing Time"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Janey's April" by Janey (janey98@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353553125 

"I didn't know you were interested in etymology."  This story really 
begins when Janey's mother speaks those words.  The 754 words before 
this sentence were just set-up.  Shortly thereafter, the author makes a 
theological error, referring to the immaculate conception when she 
meant to say virgin conception.  {The difference is that a person who 
is immaculately conceived is free of sin from the moment of conception 
but is very likely to have been produced through normal sexual 
intercourse.  A virgin conception would occur without sexual 
intercourse.  In Catholic doctrine, Jesus was the result of a virgin 
birth, but not an immaculate conception; Mary was the offspring of an 
ordinary birth, but was immaculately conceived. Exactly why I know 
this, I am not sure.  However, I suspect that the last thing you 
expected in this issue of Celestial Reviews was a clarification of 
Catholic doctrine.  I shoulda been a nun.  In fact, I often have that 
very thought whenever my domestic life gets to be too much....}

What I really meant to say in the preceding paragraph is that Janey was 
overcome by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in April, and 
so her mother (who had discovered her daughter's literary hobby) wrote 
that month's a.s.s. installment for her.

In her story Janey's Mom describes her own sexual emergence.  She grew 
up in Ireland, where she received a conservative moral education from 
Irish nuns - a phrase which would evoke sarcasm from Phil Donahue.  
After graduation, she and an equally virgin friend went on a tour of 
the continent.  Her basic plan was to get laid.

The first encounter during her cultural exchange program is with an 
American.  It is not a pleasant one - too mechanical and impersonal.  
The second is with a Frenchman, and it is wonderful.  {She somehow met 
the one French guy who bathed regularly - a young skier named Jean 
Claude, who had Olympic aspirations.  My impression is that the author 
meant for this person to be Jean Claude Killy, the Olympic skier; but 
for this to be the case he would have had to have been about 11 years 
old during the sexual activities.  I don't know who the American is 
supposed to be.  An insensitive, egotistical rich man named Donald.  
Hmmm.... }

When her traveling companion hears what Mary Elizabeth has been doing 
with Jean Claude, she says she wants to watch.  But that's another 
story - well, actually it's the second half of this one.

What we eventually learn here is that Janey's Mom is a magnanimous 
person - and Janey had thought she was merely monogamous!

Ratings for "Janey's April"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"French Kisses" by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com).  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353547546 

The author states that this is simply "Janey's April" from the male 
perspective.  Actually, that's not quite true.  Other authors have done 
the same story from two perspectives.  For example, in "Secretary Love" 
Fin Haddie described the same office romance from the viewpoints of the 
male and female participants.  

This story does much more than retell the same story from a different 
perspective: it develops an entirely new story that happens to coincide 
with this one at a crucial focal point. Mat Twassel once did something 
similar when he took Mark Aster's "Rain" and wrote a parallel story 
from the perspective of the people watching instead of the people being 
watched.  More recently, the Malinov Orgy and the Celestial Phone Calls 
have overlapped considerably in their plots.

This story tells us why Jean Claude acts the way he does when he is 
with Mary Elizabeth and Alice.  The descriptions of background events 
are extremely well done.  I suggest that you read both stories: Janey's 
first and Sandman's Second.

A problem which I'll ignore is Jean Claude's "real" identity.  If Janey 
is indeed trying to fictionalize a specific historical character (which 
I think is the case - otherwise, why do we have her references to his 
subsequent Olympic fame?), Sandman completely ignores this information.

The following story has little to do with either Janey's or Sandman's 
story, but somehow I'm inclined to relate it here:

Son:    Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
Father: Sure son, you know I'm always here for you.
Son:    All my life you've taught me to be truthful?
Father: I believe honesty is the best policy.
Son:    And I can always count on you to tell me the truth?
Father: I've never lied to you, and I'm not about to start.
Son:    Well I have some questions that are really bothering me.
Father: You know you can ask me anything.
Son:    Yes, and I've always loved that about you.
Father: Well, what do you want to discuss?
Son:    Dad, you've been a preacher a long time haven't you?
Father: Yep, since I was nineteen.
Son:    And mom's been with you most of your life?
Father: Yep, nearly forty years.
Son:    And you've been completely faithful to each other?
Father: Yep, we wouldn't have it any other way.
Son:    You and mom were high school sweethearts, right?
Father: Yep, I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.
Son:    And you both were virgins when you got married?
Father: Yep, it wasn't easy, but we waited for each other.
Son:    Mom married you in January, right?
Father: That's right, it was the happiest day of my life.
Son:    And I was born in July, right?
Father: That's right; it was the proudest day of my life.
Son:    And my baby picture here was taken the day I was born?
Father: Yep, and I still have the camera too.
Son:    Well I must say I look very healthy!
Father: And just why shouldn't you look healthy?
Son:    BECAUSE I WAS BORN 3 MONTHS PREMATURE!!!
Father: No you weren't! You were five days late.
Son:    DAD!!! MOM WAS ONLY PREGNANT WITH ME FOR 6 MONTHS!
Father: She was pregnant for 40 weeks! That's 9 months 5 days.
Son:    BUT DAD!!! YOU SAID MOM WAS A VIRGIN!!!
Father: Indeed she was! I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!
Son:    THEN HOW DID SHE GET PREGNANT 3 MONTHS BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED
        IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX UNTIL YOUR WEDDING NIGHT?!!
Father: Well, we're pretty sure it was the oral sex in October.
Son:    I beg your pardon? Excuse Me!
Father: I said we're pretty sure it was all the oral...
Son:    DAD!!! I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!!
Father: So what are you having a hard time with?
Son:    WELL FOR STARTERS, HOW 'BOUT "PARENTS AND ORAL SEX!!!"
Father: I know that's quite a revelation, but you asked for the truth.
Son:    HOW 'BOUT UNSOLICITED MENTAL IMAGES OF MY MOTHER...OH DEAR GOD!
Father: C'mon son, we were young and alive and healthy and deeply in 
love.
Son:    OK FINE! BUT DAD!!! THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN HER PREGNANCY.
Father: Well each time, I would satisfy her and then she would satisfy 
me.
Son:    DAD!! PLEASE, NO DETAILS!!
Father: You asked me to explain.
Son:    Yes, but not blow by blow... I can't believe I just said that.
Father: I can't either...
        Anyway that was our normal frolic except for that one night...
Son:    What one night?
Father: The night she satisfied me first and then I satisfied her 
second.
Son:    DAD!! ORAL SEX DOESN'T FERTILIZE A WOMAN REGARDLESS OF WHO'S 
FIRST.
Father: It can if you do what we did in between turns.
Son:    What did you do between taking turns?
Father: French Kiss.

Ratings for "French Kisses"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Gifts" by fcp (first_category@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355043915

The man and his wife have lived a Norman Rockwell existence with their 
young son on their farm in America.  Then one day, expecting hostility 
in return, the man tells his wife about the woman to whom he had made 
love during World War II;  and the wife responds not with animosity but 
with renewed passion.  The next night she takes him to the lover's lane 
where she had declined his passion the night before he left for the 
war; and this time she re-enacts her answer more favorably.  These 
people are going to loosen up and enjoy life!

This was an extremely hot and tender story.

Ratings for "Gifts"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Wager" by Unknown Author.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058717

It all started with a playful game of scrabble. Their sex life has been 
great over the past years, and they've tried the "usual" things like 
fucking in strange places, light b&d, renting porno videos, etc.  
Lately, though, things have simmered down to a slow burn.  What they 
need is a simple reality check, marriage counseling, or creative 
problem solving. They opt for the latter, and that's why this story is 
posted to this newsgroup.

"Let's say the winner gets to choose a fantasy and the loser has to act 
it out."

These people are not only smart and sexy, but extremely competitive.  
When Linda wins with a word describing any of an order of arthropods 
comprising the king crabs and extinct related forms (Xiphosura, of 
course), they're off to the races.  The sexual activities are vivid and 
exciting.  This is an excellent story.

Personally, I'd be a bad winner.  As soon as I won one game, my first 
fantasy would be that I would receive a thousand fantasies instead of 
just one, and then I'd always remember to renew that wish before a 
particular series ended.  However, I guess that would involve a 
violation of the basic trust that underlies such games.

Gambling for sex in real life is probably a bad idea, since it may 
become addictive and require a 12-step program.  However, gambling for 
sex has been the basis for some really good plots on this newsgroup.  
Examples that come to mind are Delta's "Strip Chess," Bronwen's 
"Playing Pool," MN Nelson's "Nine Ball," Dolphin's "Georgetta," and 
most recently "Janey's Bet" by Niles Naismith.  This story can also be 
viewed as a variation on the "Truth or Dare" theme, which is 
represented by Dafney Dewitt's "Cobbler's Bench" and by Niles 
Naismith's "Cannon Song," which is reviewed later in this issue.

I have a friend (an ex-nun) who has an interesting variation on this 
plot. She disagrees with the pope's position on the ordination of 
women; and so whenever the pope makes another proclamation on this 
topic, she acts out an especially outrageous sexual fantasy.  Much like 
the people in these stories, she doesn't mind losing anymore.  She says 
she actually sent the pope a letter describing her plan and stating 
that she would include him in her fantasies, but the old guy is 
apparently impervious to blackmail.  Either that or he likes the 
fantasies.

Ratings for "Wager"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Dancing in the Dark" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith1@swbell.net).  
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309121662

I have been going through my files, trying to put them in order and 
correcting mistakes when I find them.  I recognized this story, but 
couldn't find the review.  When I searched my database, I found TWO 
reviews of a different story with this same title.  In the second of 
these reviews, I mentioned that I had accidentally sent the same story 
to two reviewers.  I now suspect that I sent a different story to each 
reviewer, but AOL garbled the textfile (as is the AOL custom); and one 
of the reviewers compensated by simply downloading from a.s.s.m. a 
story of the designated title.  He got the wrong one, and you got two 
reviews of just one of the stories.  This was a serious mistake, 
because it deprived you of a review of a really excellent story.  {I'll 
repost the reviews of the other story, which was also pretty good.}

What we have here is a story of a woman who is so depressed that she is 
squatting alone in the darkened closet when her husband comes home from 
work.  She has just lost her job, and she feels worthless.  He tenderly 
convinces her that she's OK.  There's more to the story than that, but 
the author says it much better than I can.

I am very glad I discovered this mistake. This is a wonderful story.  
If you're a student in a psychology course - or a professor in one, for 
that matter - read this when you are studying human emotions or human 
sexuality.  Heck, read it both times.

Ratings for "Dancing in the Dark"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Every Man's Fantasy" By Hangten (an19164@anon.nymserver.com). Guest 
review by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com)

http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034291  01
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302239  02
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034310  03
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302268  04
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349230199  05
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034332  06
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667327  07
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667338  08
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667358  09
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667348  10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667322  11

As near as I can tell, this is a story that Fred is transcribing as 
told by Willy who heard it from Rob.  Apparently every man's fantasy is 
to have a nice little miracle pill called "Sex" that makes women so 
horny they'll throw themselves on anything. And when a guy takes "Sex" 
you ask?  Well let's just say that Viagra's got nothing on "Sex".   Now 
that's not exactly my fantasy, but as a sex story plot I guess it works 
out OK.  

Since we're talking aphrodisiacs here I once heard a story where in a 
small border town you could actually get Spanish fly that works!  
Amazingly enough though, the miracle drug worked only in a certain bar 
and the price per pill was remarkably similar to the going rate for 
hookers.  Go figure.

OK; Rob creates this miracle drug called "Sex" and his first victim, er 
research assistant, is a bookish type who deflowers our hero so 
thoroughly that he's limping days later.  The next time he lowers the 
dosage and nabs a grade-A cock-teaser who's suddenly not so interested 
in teasing cocks any more, but in stuffing Rob's unusually large meat 
in places she ordinarily doesn't allow men to go!   Next there's a 
little setback when one of his victims, er research assistants, wanders 
off to the restroom and gives a whole new meaning to the word pit-stop 
for all the guys in the bar. 

And so the endless litany of escapades continues.  This is good stroke 
fiction.  If you're looking for a cock teaser this is definitely it.  
The thing is, it struck me that it could have been just a little more 
than that.  Rob is a geek's geek, but I saw the potential for some 
really interesting growth in the character, but every time that starts 
to happen he drops his wonder-pill into the mix and we're right back to 
some well-described but endlessly pointless sex.  If anything, Rob's 
character turns into a porno sleaze. 

As stroke fiction goes, this story shines heads and tales above 
anything you're likely to find out there.  But the size of the story 
worked at cross purposes with the objective of a review.  This story 
was meant for a chapter to be read, the reader gets off and maybe the 
next day the reader comes back and read another chapter -- read, 
stroke, rest, repeat.  As a reviewer I had to work through the sex to 
sort out things like grammar, plot and character.  After the first few 
chapters I just began to skim the sex trying to see where this eleven 
chapter monster was taking me.  It didn't take me very far.  

And so I end up with a dilemma on my hands.  Here is a story that's 
absolutely perfect for the male audience members in alt.sex.stories.   
There's little character development, no real  plot to speak of, but 
has tons of well described sex with a wide assortment of drug created 
bimbos.  But there are also quite a few stories out there that manage 
to include sex just as hot but also stroke the mind with interesting 
characters and good plots.  

It may be unfair to rank this story in the same neighborhood as "Becky 
Cried", "Cannon Song", or any of the other absolutely stellar stories 
have been published to this group.  But there were no major technical 
glitches, and the Celestial FAQ says plot and character can indeed be 
subservient to sex in a sex story. As for the personal appeal, well 
drug-induced bimbos may not be my gig; but sooner or latter this 
story's gonna describe a situation that will get your blood pumping. 

I'll leave the decisions of greatness to the top 20, but for 
uncomplicated stroke fiction this is a very good place to start if 
you're a guy and you don't mind a goofy look on the gal's face right 
before she starts ripping off your pants…

Ratings for "Every Man's Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Twighlight Cafe" by Seurat (dantedibby@aol.com). Guest review by 
BillyG  (hayden@mindless.com).

In the genre of non-consensual stories of anger and humiliation, "The 
Twighlight Café" has a little something for everyone,.  Unless one 
finds an erotic charge in these emotions, this is not an erotic tale. 
The author Seurat says in the preface that the story contains , ". . . 
sex of a semi-consensual nature; fetishistic adornments and sex toys; 
nasty torture for characters I didn't like; and a little plot thrown in 
for good measure and to separate the sex scenes."

The codes of this story would best be listed as femdom, capture, forced 
bondage, humiliation rape and abduction.  There are no animals, 
bathroom games, or kids.

In the first few pages of the story, we're introduced to the men you 
love to despise - college seniors, fraternity brothers, coarse, 
arrogant, swaggering, braggadocio, and mean spirited. They're typecast 
with such exaggeration that we quickly recognize them as the fall guys. 
And who are they to fall to?  Why the dominate femmes, of course.  I 
almost felt a sympathetic rush that these boorish, uncouth jerks would 
get a healthy what for, but as the story progressed, the only 
difference between the boys and the ladies, besides genitalia, was the 
depth and sophistication of their depravity.  The Mistresses, 
apparently rich and powerful in the extreme, have no pause in their 
plans to kidnap and subjugate their male subjects. Period.  I mean, 
that's it. That's the story.

This is a near-plotless story punctuated by descriptions of painful, 
forced bondage and subjugation without any redeeming eroticism.

Ratings for "The Twighlight Cafe"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Poor formatting and lack of 
      proofreading)
Venus (plot & character): 4
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 4

"On Her Leg" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com). Guest review by Tooshoes.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961858

"On Her Leg" is a very short, sentimental tale about the emotional 
power possessed by a fetish or a memento, in this case an ankle 
bracelet that binds a young woman to her lover, and transports her to 
their lovemaking whenever she thinks about it, looks at it, or touches 
it.

The narration slips back and forth in time as the girl sits on a park 
bench amid a crowd, yet her attention centers on the ankle bracelet, 
which surfaces her memories of a previous night of sex.

The writing is erotic and appealing, though it turns into pretty much 
straightforward description of the sex act towards the end. A nice, 
sexy little piece.

Ratings for "On Her Leg"
Technical:  9
Characterization and Plot:  7
Appeal:   8

"Cannon Song" by Niles Naismith (Mnaismith@hotmail.com). Guest review 
by jubjub.

Story Summary:  A sexual Truth or Dare of sorts set in ‘60s Princeton 
University.

This is a plainly told story.  Therein lies both its strength and its 
weakness. Without the stylistic flourishes, the story's simple 
descriptions carry considerable impact.  The author ended with a 
footnote thanking his editor for telling him that the story originally 
read like a lecture.  I can assure you that this story no longer has 
that feel.  But it still seems a bit forced.  A more natural, nostalgic 
tone would have been even better.

The biggest complaint that I had was with the characters.  There is 
considerable narrative but none of the characters are particularly 
notable. There is also a twist of sorts near the end of the story that 
seemed to come out of nowhere.  It throws a shadow of incest on the 
story that jars the flow. Part of the reason for this is that the 
characters are not deeply written enough so that the relationships mean 
anything.

But this story still works.  Its simple style is both elegant and 
clean.  This includes the lack of vulgarities.  I read this story three 
times and all three times the sex scenes (which came toward the end of 
the story) were effective and believable.  They were, in fact, 
visualizable on both the physical and emotional levels.  While its 
evocation of ‘free' sex on a campus wasn't as fully fleshed out as I 
would have liked, it was good enough to help reveal the primary tension 
in this story.  Definitely one of the best I've reviewed this year.

Technical:  9.6  Style was forced at times.  Needed a more 
      nostalgic feel
Characterization and Plot:  9  Characters lacked some cohesion 
      and purpose
Appeal:   9.7  ‘Uncle Miles' section created emotional gear-shifting

"Payback - Or Life's a Beach" By Kim (ghost@nym.alias.net)  Reviewed by 
Fiddler.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355958865

This story probably won't make much sense if you don't know the players 
and the situation.  A number of writers on alt.sex.stories, and a 
smaller number of readers and reposters of stories, hang out on 
alt.sex.stories.d.  While they have been known to discuss stories, they 
talk about other things more often.  One activity which has become 
popular is the quarterly virtual orgy hosted by Lord Malinov, one of 
the authors.

This story occurs during the spring orgy (on a tropical island) and 
revenges activities during the winter orgy.  Kim persuades Kristen to 
entice Taria to a secluded part of the beach.  There, Kim and Kristen 
tie Taria up and threaten various tortures.  When Taria doesn't take 
those threats seriously, they resort to a toothsome twosome within her 
sight.  Unable to join in, tied so that she cannot relieve the libido 
which her involuntary voyeurism induces, Taria thinks she is being 
tortured indeed.

I'll let you find out how John Rambo gets into this.

I know these authors, and enjoyed the story immensely;  if you do not, 
it may well lose something.

Kim should have sent it to a proofreader before posting, however.  
Celeste would withdraw my reviewer's credentials if I gave an Athena 
ten to a story which used "laying" for "lying."  "Volunteered" for 
"recruited" and "attempted to try" actually bothered me more.

Ratings for "Payback - Or Life's a Beach" 
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 10

"The Sleeping Beauty - A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups" by Jo G.  Guest 
Review by Stephen Peters (Sxjames@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961849

When I was growing up, I never cared much for the traditional European 
fairy tale.  Kings?  Queens?  Heroic princesses and damsels in 
distress? I'd think "Who *are* these people, and what do they have to 
do with me?" These characters seemed remote and untouchable; simple 
props that played their assigned roles in transparent and humorless 
morality tales.  However, I'm very happy to report that this "adult" 
fairy tale is nothing of the sort.  And no -- this version of "Sleeping 
Beauty" isn't some ribald re-telling of the old legend.  Instead, the 
author of this piece has taken the form (and substance) of a fairy tale 
then constructed a warm and rather erotic story of sexual awakening, 
yearning, and true love. 

The central dilemma in this version of "Sleeping Beauty" is presented 
early and with clarity.  At the naming-day ceremonies the good fairies 
grant Beauty the usual gifts of long life, intelligence, beauty, and 
the ability to bear both sexes.  In turn, the wicked fairy declares 
that at Beauty's first orgasm she will fall into a coma, along with the 
rest of the kingdom.  (Now *that's* what I call wicked <grin>).  In 
order to forestall this fate the elders of the kingdom must, at all 
cost, prevent Beauty from experiencing sexual arousal.  Chastity belts 
are invented.  Beauty (although she is never given a direct reason why) 
is forced to wear one; and to prevent the inevitable questions that 
would arise, the rest of the children of the kingdom are forced to wear 
them also.  The author then follows Beauty as she grows from a child to 
a young woman.  As she reaches adulthood, Beauty ends up spending much 
of her time in the company of a young prince from a neighboring kingdom 
(who, incidentally, is also forced to wear the dreaded belt).  As 
expected, they fall in love, but they do so in a most realistic (read: 
non-fairy tale like) fashion.  As the two grow closer together their 
sexual frustration mounts until Beauty, in a rather imaginative use of 
a spinning wheel (yes, the author *does* use all the elements of the 
original tale) manages to satisfy her sexual needs and then falls into 
a coma.  Don't worry; the prince saves her, breaks the spell, and 
everyone lives happily ever after.  I might also mention that, as with 
any good fairy tale, this one does have a moral to it.  In this case 
the author notes that Beauty and the prince keep the chastity belts 
around to remind them that sexual union in not the be-all and end-all 
of a sexual relationship. 

The strengths of this tale are numerous.  The first thing this reader 
noticed was the prose.  While it's simple, direct, and very appropriate 
to the piece, in no way does the author 'talk down' to the reader 
(something else I found irritating in those early childhood stories).  
The author also pays careful attention to the small but crucial details 
that bring a sense of logic and believability to something that is 
inherently fantasy.  For example, after everyone in the kingdom falls 
into a coma the prince has but a few days to find Beauty before the 
population starts dying of dehydration.  At times, and with its sense 
of adventure, this tale reads more like an intelligent Sword 'n Sorcery 
story than a fairy tale.  The author also had the good sense to 
introduce the prince as a childhood companion of Beauty and not as 
someone who just appears to sweep her off her feet.  However, for this 
reader the real meat is contained in the description of Beauty's 
longing for her often absent prince, along with the accompanying sexual 
tension (enforced by the chastity belt).  In the end the author paints 
a genuinely romantic and thoroughly enjoyable love story between  
Beauty and her prince, one that I will remember for a quite a while. 

-- Numbers mean nothing without context, read the review --

Ratings for "Sleeping Beauty"
Athena (technical quality): 10 
Venus (plot & character): 9  (very imaginative, very strong)
Stephen (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Hey, I like romantic love stories)

"The Anniversary" by E.Z. Riter  (ezriter@hotmail.com). Guest review by 
David Rills.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355700593

God, I love this story.  I think it was written by a wicked woman 
because the sexuality is so loving.  The story is told by a wife who 
describes the fifth anniversary present (things are getting a little 
too comfortable in the marriage) she presents to her husband. While not 
all that original, the slow, sensuous story is hypnotic. Read it slowly 
and enjoy.

Ratings for "The Anniversary "
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
David (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Love Conquers All" by JS3729 (js3729@mindspring.com). Guest review by 
Dave Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045665
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045668
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045670 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045672
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045675 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045680 

It would fairest to characterize this as a story of sexual revenge.  As 
might be expected, there is more revenge than sex, and to pull this off 
skillfully, it takes a writer who knows his craft. Alas, the plot 
offered is probably out of the range of this first-time author. His 
disclaimer reads: 

>This is my first story, and let me apologize, in advance to any 
lesbians
>who may read this.  I do not mean for this story to demean or ridicule
>lesbianism in any way - it just is a part of the whole story and 
please
>treat it as such. 

A fanatic might draw the conclusion that the author believes lesbians 
to be man-hating, wife-stealing freaks (ergo the revenge theme). But I 
suspect JS3729 just didn't think long and hard enough about how all the 
elements in the story would fit together before he put it in writing. 
The heavy mixture of bisexuality, gang rapes, transsexuals, and 
hypnotism is just too much all at once. These aspects create a vivid 
revenge story, but do not lead to a buildup in sexual tension as the 
plot progresses. The final burst of energy feels out of place after the 
initial wandering narrative.

I credit JS3729 with handling the main thread well through the use of 
flashbacks with two or three separate points of view. The characters 
trade off nicely, building a little suspense. Narrators even finish 
each others' thoughts when appropriate (but perhaps slightly too 
often). Unfortunately, sloppiness results in many errors of verb tense.

During these sections, the use of colons for quotations (e.g.  
'Lynda:')  makes me feel like I'm reading a play. In fact, so much of 
the storytelling is done by characters other than the first person 
narrator (George) that his inner voice comes up hollow and decidedly 
non-introspective when he is allowed to emote.

Apart from the cardboard cut-out treatment of hypnotism and 
transsexuals, a few other items of the plot hamper its credibility. As 
one example, breasts are bared at one point during mixed company for no 
apparent reason. The results seem so far out of character that the 
story is weakened. As another example, the devotion that is displayed 
between two sets of couples after many years of separation (hence the 
title, Love Conquers All) is hokey. The protagonists need more 
motivation than they are given here. 

Rating: 5

* "Of Fights and Fantasy" by Summer's Rose (SumersRose@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357387441

The woman wants to make love to her husband, but he has work that needs 
to get done.  Important work - right there on his computer.  "OK," says 
the wife; "I'll just turn off your silly ole computer!"  Poof!  His 
work is gone, and now he is free to frolic with her.  Oddly enough, the 
guy gets upset, possibly because the computer was not in an auto-save 
mode.  Anyway, he decides she needs a spanking; and since she has a 
cute little ass that reddens nicely when spanked, all of this leads to 
some exciting orgasms.

The main shortcoming of this story is the second person (you and I) 
point of view.  I absolutely do not see how this perspective gains 
anything over a third person (he and she) narrative.  I am left with 
the impression that the author wrote this story for someone else and 
simply posted it without bothering to revise it for a more general 
audience.

Other than that, it's a good story - except that if a guy really wants 
his wife to stop turning off his computer, he shouldn't "punish" her 
with multiple orgasms.  It just won't work.

Ratings for "Of Flights and Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Midnight Symphony" by D.A. Ignatius (Darknites) 
(jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu).  This story focuses on a loving couple who 
are spending a quiet evening together, listening to music and watching 
the rain fall.  Initially sex is the farthest thing from their minds, 
but the peaceful and romantic ambiance and memories of the past 
eventually lead them to restful but passionate lovemaking.  Nothing 
much happens, but this is a very good story; sometimes nothing much 
NEEDS to happen.  As I read the story the music and the weather seemed 
to match the pace of the dancing and lovemaking.  I identify very 
closely with the female narrator of this story; but you won't be able 
to figure out why (if you care) until the last paragraph of the story.

In CR 84 I announced that I was reviewing the last of the DarkNites 
stories.  I was wrong.  Almost as soon as I wrote that sentence this 
additional DarkNites story arrived via a-mail.  Maybe I'll get lucky 
and be wrong again!

Ratings for "Midnight Symphony"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "For Celeste" by Grammaticus (an541328@anon.penet.fi).  This is the 
second poem that I know of that has been written about me.  When I was 
back in high school, our junior English teacher required us all to 
write a poem.  I wrote a (non-sexual) poem very much like this one, in 
which I poked fun at everyone in the class.  Mrs. Jones (not her real 
name - I'm just being clever here) gave me "extra credit" for this 
"interesting doggerel" and told me to write a "real poem."  She was a 
bright lady and may have changed her name to Grammaticus by now.

Anyway, I enjoyed this delightful "poem," and I think you will too.  I 
hope the author reposts it.  You don't have to be the person to whom 
the verses are directed to enjoy a stanza like this:

So write down what you do in your bed,
Or the fantasies loose in your head.
      But don't make me read
      Of your doing the deed
With children, your pets, or the dead.

Here's the best writing advice I found in the poem:

So write, then revise and rewrite,
Avoiding whatever is trite.
      For not every cock
      Must be 'hard as a rock,'
Nor every wet pussy be 'tight.'

But this was a close second:

Your scenes may be so damned intense
Some readers may well take offense.
      But however you fashion
      Your tales full of passion,
Make sure that your verbs don't change tense.

I think Grammaticus took poetic license with some of my beliefs and 
opinions, but that's all right with me. I hope the author reposts this 
Celestiad.  After all, as the Bard says:

These stories can be helpful, too,
For those who have no one to do.
      For boys monkey-spanking
      (The Brits call it 'wanking')
And girls paddling their own pink canoe.

Ratings for "For Celeste"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
 
* "Secretary Love" by Fin Haddie (sgoodman@primenet.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416095
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416115

The guy shares an office and secretary with his father.  The guy and 
secretary engage in sexually suggestive banter, but nothing comes of it 
until he moves away and returns for a subsequent visit.  The sexual 
activity is vividly described and hot.  The most interesting part is 
that the author describes the same relationship from the perspective of 
the guy (part 1) and the woman (part 2).  I recommend reading both 
parts.

Ratings for "Secretary Love"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Rain" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349939639

"Doesn't it get boring - all the time with the same guy?"  That 
question came not from an a.s.s. pervert, but from my teenage daughter 
a few years ago.  My answer was, "You would expect it to get boring; 
but surprisingly, no - not so far."  I raise the same question every 
time I read another story in the "My Friends the Allens" series; "Isn't 
this going to get boring."  I mean, all the author ever seems to write 
about is this wonderfully hot stud traveling with and servicing two 
well-adjusted and well-endowed young nymphomaniacs.  The sex is almost 
invariably hot and consensual.  It's gotta get boring some time.  But 
not yet.

In this episode, Our Hero reclines on a beach with one of the Allen 
sisters, while they watch another couple initiate and consummate 
passionate sex nearby.  Naturally, the voyeurs get turned on as well 
and make passionate love themselves, as a gentle rain begins to fall on 
them.  The description, the environment - the entire picture evoked in 
my mind as I read this story was really beautiful.  Another excellent 
story!

Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Rain" by M.M. Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=209456923

"An orgasm is "like winning all the Nintendo games at once."  Those 
words are spoken by an 18-year old girl to an 11-year-old boy while 
both of them are watching from seclusion as two couples make it on the 
nearby beach.  The author has taken the story entitled "Rain" by Mark 
Aster, which I reviewed in the last issue of CR, and has introduced the 
perspective of the young boy and the other girl watching from a nearby 
sand dune.  I don't want to tell you much more about the story; you 
should read it for yourself.  It's a really sensitive and sexy story of 
emerging sexuality.  Although its title is "Rain," it's listed in the 
postings as "More Rain."

Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

*"Dancing In the Dark" by Weird Writer (reposted by Bookman 
Productions).  Guest review by Bookman.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334660359

"Dancing In the Dark" expands on the anonymous 'zipless fuck' of Erica 
Jong and _Fear of Flying_ fame, placing it this time in a more 
aristocratic setting.  The unnamed narrator receives an invitation to a 
'private party'.  Once there, he is escorted to an empty waiting room 
where a waiting note informs him of the rules: "You have been invited 
to an orgy. . . Do not converse. Do not ask names.  Do not ask 
questions."  He undresses and walks into a totally dark room, where, 
quite simply, anything goes.  No orifice barred, but all unseen.  Sex 
by Braille, as it were.

The idea of totally anonymous sex is a powerful one in the human 
psyche.  Yeah, yeah, in the real world, one wants to know one's 
partners quite well, indeed.  But these are worlds of fantasy we deal 
with here, and this is a rich one.  And like most sexual fantasy 
worlds, there's a strong tinge of the adolescent behind it.

For almost all of us, the first sexual experience comes from 
masturbation.  The 'zipless fuck' is really just an extension of that.  
There's still no element of personal interaction, even though it's 
someone else's hand or touch doing the nerve-ending manipulation.  Here 
the narrator fucks and is fucked, pleasure given and taken, but 
pleasure is all that is shared.  No names, no identities, nothing to 
tie the experience to a real person, just flesh, touching and being 
touched.  No commitments, no responsibilities, no requirements to say 
or do the right thing to manipulate the other person into doing what 
you want of them.  Mutually agreed prostitution, without the intrusion 
of monetary concerns.  For those a bit tired of the Mating Dance, the 
respite may seem attractive.

But it's also hollow.  Like it or not, we live for interaction with 
other human beings, and the individual who can voluntarily live as a 
total hermit is a disturbed one, indeed.  We need to connect with 
somebody else, or we ourselves remain undefined.

"Dancing In the Dark" is certainly well-written.  No typos that I 
noticed.  No characterizations, either, but that's fitting with the 
theme.  The only cavil I would have stems directly from the situation.  
The sex is a bit mechanical, a bit dry, 'I did this, then they did 
this', that sort of thing.  But that's nearly unavoidable when you 
leave out the personal factors that gives sex its meaning, its 
connective power.  All in all, I found this story arousing on a deep, 
selfish level, but ultimately, a little unsatisfying.

When I reposted this tale from the Archives, I noted that it came 
without authorship attribution.  Reading it again for this review, I 
noticed at the very bottom, in among all the signature chatter, this: 
"public discussion: alt.sex.stories.d
                                  email: shelbyb@iglou.com "to Weird 
Writer"

That email address looks a lot like one for Thomas Shelby Bush, a well-
respected A.S.S. author.  Shelby, are you responsible for this story, 
or do you know who is?

Ratings for "Dancing In the Dark"
Minerva: (technical skill): 10
Aphrodite: (general appeal): 9
Apollo: (appeal to reviewer): 9

* "Dancing in the Dark" by Weird Writer.  Guest review by Dave Myers.  
{ I got two guest reviews of this one by mistake.}

The idea of an anonymous orgy is best suited to rather brief stories. 
Otherwise the scene becomes too ridiculous and the step away from 
scents, sounds, and ambiance is impossible since there won't be much 
character development in an anonymous setting. That's why I'm glad this 
story stays short. Even in 150 lines, though, it is quite possible to 
leave the reader with the essence of too many jumbled body parts. Body 
parts are not the same thing as the raw lust that should propel a scene 
like this.

Synopsis: Our narrator receives an invitation to a party, which turns 
out to be an anonymous orgy taking place in pitch darkness. He has a 
good time.

Group sex is hard to write for. I give the author credit for not making 
a total mess out of the situation, but there are a number of minor 
problems with the narrative. First is the hokey way that our 
adventurous partygoer is coaxed back into the world of the clothed 
(through what appears to be some sort of knock out gas). There is also 
the issue of how incredibly quickly our virile muffdiver manages to 
arrive at a second gushing orgasm, about 25 lines after the first.

On the upside, the author gives us some rare male-male interaction 
amidst the action. The narrator's reactions are positive, if slightly 
unrealistic  for what appears to be his first bisexual encounter. This 
passage  could have been better written. We also get refreshing giggles 
and laughter during the orgy which manage to dispel what would 
otherwise be an over-serious affair, since there is no dialogue in the 
sex scene.

Rating: 6.5

