Celestial Reviews 332 - July 4, 1999

Note: A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first
one..."This is for the shame", and then the second one..."This is for the
glory."

She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one..."This is for the
shame" and then the second one..."This is for the glory." 

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I
was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory." 

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to
pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind." 

"That must be the shame," the bartender said. 

"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me
around the front yard for thirty minutes."

Second note: A farmer in Arkansas and his wife are lying in bed one evening,
she is knitting; he is reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks
up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only
species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully,
smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." 

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm
sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to
tell." 

Third note: A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw
a statue of a nude male. 

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. 

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. 

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it
now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

Fourth note: Things the Perfect Woman Would Say:

I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 

Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 

You're so sexy when you're hungover. 

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 

I'll be out painting the house. 

Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again; come see! 

Do me a favor; forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new
clubs. 

Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few
joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! 

I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"Triple Treat" by Titmouse (straight, oral, and anal sex) 10, 8.5, 8.5
http://www.deja.com/getdocxp?AN=494756823

"The Preacher's Wife" by Beata Beatrix (hands-on marriage 
      preparation) 9.5, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494589342
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494589346
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494589350

"Qualified" by Elena (quickie celebration) 10, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494235346

"Vanna's Bet" by Me (kiddy sex) 4, 4, 4
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494322635

"Asshole of the City" by Daisy (cheap & tawdry sex) 9.5, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491799334

"Batteries Included" by Miss Behavin' (vibrator sex) 
      10, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421747603

"Jodie Does the Cheerleaders" by Jodie (ff sex with chocolate syrup)
      6, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=495414500

"Shower" by Dark Dreamer (shower rape) 9, 6, 5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494916580
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494916584
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494904361
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494916577

"McMurdo Sound" by Uther Pendragon (married love) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491989692

"Loneliness" by E.Z. Riter  (revenge) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494954635

"Down Memory Lane" by John P. Fault (nostalgic romance) 9, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491329975
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491329998

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"Punishment Fits the Crime" by E.Z. Riter  (bdsm). Myers: 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=495878480

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

*  "Forever" by Uther Pendragon (romance) 10, 10, 10

=====================
Here are the  Reviews:
=====================

"Triple Treat" by Titmouse (NiteSweats@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdocxp?AN=494756823

The guy meets a sexy Mexican woman and takes her home and pops her three ways -
in the pussy, orally, and up the ass. There's not much character or story
development - just rapid-fire sex. If you like that sort of thing, this may be
the story you've been looking for.

Ratings for "Triple Treat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8.5

"The Preacher's Wife" by Beata Beatrix (beatabeatrix@netscape.net)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494589342
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494589346
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494589350

The preacher's wife is home alone, when the assistant preacher stops by for
some pre-marital sex counseling. Since her husband is not there to do his duty,
she does it for him. Surprisingly, this is not a flat-out slut story. 

At the beginning of the story Violet is certainly frustrated over the stupidly
anti-romantic marriage to which she is committed with her Puritan husband, but
she tries to give Charles some good advice: be sensitive on the wedding night,
work at giving his bride pleasure, etc.  I assumed that eventually she would
get down to giving him a hands-on demonstration. I was right.

What we have here is a barren, masturbating preacher's wife with serious doubts
about the Resurrection and the life hereafter. I think Johnny Cash once sang a
song about her.

As a result of her ministrations <g>, Jim confidently enters upon what promises
to be a happy married life with his bride.

As I said, this is not a simple slut story nor simple religion-bashing. It's
simply a very good story.

Ratings for "The Preacher's Wife"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Qualified" by Elena (silverlink@altavista.net)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494235346

The husband has completed some sort of program that has obtained him
certification as a teacher. The wife bangs his brains out to help him
celebrate.

This is a short but good story.

If the author wanted to write an even better story, she should add a few more
details to develop the personalities of the characters, some more specific
details about their flirtation, and a little more imagery during the sexual
activity - possibly including some more banter between the lovers.

I think this is this author's first story. It's like a slightly under-developed
Uther Pendragon tale. That means there's a lot of potential here.

Ratings for "Qualified"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Vanna's Bet" by Me (paulc@teleport.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494322635

I don't know many women named Vanna; and so when I saw this title, I thought
maybe it was a celebrity spoof about the lovely lady who turns the letters for
Pat Sajack. My husband has a thing for Vanna White, but since she's not
available to accept his thing, I handle it for her.

Well, it turns out that the eponymous Vanna of this story is the seventh-grader
from next door who has untruthfully bragged to her friends at the slumber party
that she has given head, and now she has to find proof. So the man next door
has her suck his cock and takes several instant pictures of her angelic face,
lips wrapped around his cock and cum oozing out the sides. 

The story has some fundamental flaws, including basic illiteracy and lack of
attention to details. For example, while the guy has his cock buried in the
girl's ass, he feels her cunt muscles clinching around his cock. I guess that
could happen, but more likely it's an itch or infection of some sort. 

However, if you really want to read about a little girl being fucked, I doubt
that you will be bothered by those peccadilloes. Heck, you probably won't even
know what a peccadillo is.

Ratings for "Vanna's Bet"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

"Asshole of the City" by Daisy (Daisymas@HotMail.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491799334

If you study literature, you'll find stories like this one labeled as
"naturalism." The guy has cheap and tawdry success, enjoys it, and describes it
vividly. The title describes the environs in which the tryst occurs - as in one
step below the armpit of the city.

When I finished this story I had no urge to run off and replicate the
encounter. However, it was a very short but very good story.

Ratings for "Asshole of the City"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Batteries Included" by Miss Behavin' (MissBehavin@sprint.ca).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421747603

Miranda has befriended a young genius named Matt who invents things. His most
recent invention is a small vibrating device that has soothing effects on
whatever troubles the person to whom it is attached.

Miranda also has befriended a young lawyer named Rob, whose interests in her
are more erotic and romantic. He finds out about the vibrating device and finds
a way to attach it to an interesting part of Miranda's body while she goes
about her work and he controls the mechanism that makes it vibrate.

There's a lot more to it than that. A sexy lunch in a restaurant with lengthy
tablecloths that conceal what a woman's foot might do to a man's cock under the
table. A ride on the hood of a car after it has been parked in a secluded spot.
And more.

It's an interesting, creative, sexy story. I'm sorry it took me so long to get
to get around to reviewing it.

Ratings for "Batteries Included"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Jodie Does the Cheerleaders" by Jodie (jodiebennett99@hotmail.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=495414500

Jodie has fucked all the guys in the school, and so she has moved on to a new
challenge - fucking all the girls in the school. This story tells how she came
to that decision.

It all happened one day when Krystal intended to cover Jodie's asscheeks with
sun block and covered her with chocolate syrup instead. Somebody had to clean
up the mess, and before long somehow chocolate syrup got all over Jodie's pussy
as well. From this incident arose her desire to fuck all the girls in the
school.

I guess this all makes sense, and the bit with the chocolate syrup was even
sexy, but the overall story is a bit on the incoherent side. The story is
supposed to be about Jodie banging all the girls in the school, but it's really
about the incident that LED UP TO that activity. The incoherence was
accentuated by a major error in word usage: 

<<"Do it, Krystal, eat my chocolate asshole," I was too turned on and
anxious.>>

Why would Jodie be overcome by anxiety? That's what "anxious" means. Jodie was
actually hot to trot, and the author probably meant to say "eager." This is not
a trivial mistake. As a person who speaks actual English, I had a right to
think that the author meant to say that Jodie had become possessed by anxiety,
and the mistake was a major distraction. Given that the story wasn't flowing
real well in other respects, this minor detail became a serious problem.

Ratings for "Jodie Does the Cheerleaders" 
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"Shower" by Dark Dreamer (shower rape)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494916580
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494916584
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494904361
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494916577

I have reviewed one previous story by Dark Dreamer. Either this is a different
author using the same name or the reformatory in which this author has spent
the past two years has a really good writing program.  This is a remarkably
better story than "Elevator Rape," which was so bad that I won't even repost
the review.

This is not an outstanding story, except by comparison to the other. The basic
plot is that a black stud rapes a white girl and makes her like it. It's the
sort of fantasy that appeals to males who honestly believe that any female
would be happy to have a nice, big, cock shoved up her cunt, down her throat,
and up her ass - no matter how roughly this all happened. Of course, the
fantasy is even better if it's one of those monster black cocks and a virgin
white high school girl.

I won't go into the stupidity of this fantasy. The notion that a guy could do
this to "hundreds of white whores" with all of them ultimately being grateful
or at least not reporting it demands an even greater suspension of disbelief.
The point here is that if you get off on this sort of thing, you'll probably
enjoy this story.

Ratings for "Shower"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"McMurdo Sound" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491989692

This is one of those stories that are easy to review - because there's not much
that I can say except that this story is short and good. I like realistic
stories about happy married love.

If I tell you any more, I'll ruin it for you.

By the way, if you're underage and have gotten this far, just go ahead and read
this story anyway, even if it is against the law in your state and in violation
of your religion. The law will never hold up in this case anyway. The worst
thing this story can do is give you ideas. And sometimes ideas can be good for
you.

Ratings for "McMurdo Sound" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Loneliness" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@pdq.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=494954635

This is not a pleasant story. 

Off screen, before the story started, Cathy was running around on her husband,
screwing other guys behind his back. Instead of joining in, like many men do in
stories written for this newsgroup, the husband has become seriously pissed off
by this infidelity. So he has locked Cathy in a cage in a remote wilderness
area. You can read the story for further details.

Some torture stories are just plain silly. They leave too much unexplained. In
this case, the author achieves a good balance between what he explains and what
he leaves alone.

Another problem with torture stories is that the authors often take a sort of
sophomoric delight in noting how much fun it would be to torture and be
tortured. In this case the author avoids that pitfall.

This is a good example of an unpleasant story that is very well written. If you
get really aroused reading this story, you might want to consider seeing a
counselor. Otherwise, enjoy the vicarious experience, and be glad this isn't
happening to you.

The author really oughta bone up on the rules for quotation marks with long
passages, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna dock him for that. I try never to be
unpleasant to a guy who knows this much about revenge.

Ratings for "Loneliness"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Down Memory Lane" by John P. Fault (pagefault@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491329975
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491329998

This story is just about the opposite of the last one - nice, sweet, and
romantic. The narrator is relating his nostalgic experience with a coworker.
Their initial friendship deepened into romance, and then they drifted apart. 
The main sexual focus is on the first times they made love, and the sex is
really pretty hot.

If you're into nostalgic romance or if you just need something to pick you up
after the previous story, you may want to take a look at this one.

Ratings for "Down Memory Lane"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================


"Punishment Fits the Crime" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@pdq.net). Guest review by
Dave Myers.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=495878480

Suspension of disbelief. That's what it's all about. Never more so than with
B&D stories. I'll say right off that EZ has succeeded on the broad strokes, and
that the story is readable and enjoyable.

The plot is the punishment of a straying wife who needs to be humiliated in
front of her friends and neighbors, basically so that she figures out who is in
charge. Her old man is pretty burned up over the adultery, and he hatches a
scheme to get revenge and make sure she never cheats again. I won't spoil the
final wrinkles, because they ARE pretty good, even if not terribly original. 

But there are little gaps in my suspension. The first two thirds of the story
is really engaging. We get the sense that we are building towards something
good, something emotional. But the last, crucial bits describing the event
itself are a slight letdown in intensity. Overall, this shouldn't deter the
reader from plunging right ahead. It's just a note for the author, mainly.
Other authors take note: don't let this happen to you!  So you have a great
idea, you put it down on paper, and it's coming out fantastic. You're painting
the exact vivid picture you wanted, and the text just exudes lust. Make sure to
finish it strong and vigorous. Extra special super mega important.

There are some phrases here and there that really don't quite fit the scenes.
At times, some attempts to go literary are a bit too much (e.g.  "What weapons
do I have? Tell me, what are they?  All I can fight with is my love, our
memories and my sexuality.") Still, that kind of thing is pretty isolated in
the text, and is easily overlooked.

Rating for "Punishment Fits the Crime": 8

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "Forever" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).

{This author is reposting the entire Brennan series. Although you can't tell
this from my first review, this series eventually evolved into one of my
all-time favorites. If you're not already familiar with this series, you're in
for a treat.

I'll repost my original reviews. I personally enjoyed revisiting these old
reviews, in which I refer to Uther Pendragon as a budding author with a great
deal of potential. I guess this proves that the critics aren't wrong ALL the
time!}

This is the story of a man and a woman getting to know each other on that
rarest of all events on a.s.s. - the wedding night between a husband and wife
who have not yet copulated. I went through this initiation rite myself. This
story describes how my husband and I expected our own wedding night to be, but
our actual experience was a lot funnier than this one.  I'd tell you about it;
but you had to be there to really enjoy it.  This is a well-written,
sentimental story by a new author.  I hope he writes many more stories.  Any
author named after the father of King Arthur can't be all bad.  {Incidentally,
it was Uther Pendragon - not his son Arthur - who established the Round Table
on Merlin's advice. Uther later found his true heir (Arthur) through the ole
sword-in-the-stone test.}

Ratings for "Forever"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
 

<end>
