Celestial Reviews 222 - October 4, 1997

Note: A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  The pharmacist 
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young 
man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's 
really hot.  I want the condoms because I think tonight is THE NIGHT.  
We're having dinner with her parents, then we're going out.  And I've 
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.  Once she's had me, she'll 
want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.   Later that evening, he 
sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.  He asks if he 
might give the blessing, and they agree.  He begins the prayer, but 
continues praying for several minutes in silence.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a 
religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a 
pharmacist."

Second note: Piper (one of my guest reviewers) forwarded to me his 
response to the question, "Why do you use a different name in your 
reviews than you do in your stories?"

"When I am writing as *****, I know people will be reading the stories.  
Since nobody knows *me*, any and all impressions they get of *me* will 
be strictly from reading between the lines in the stories themselves.  
There is very little prejudice or preconception to overcome, so I can 
concentrate strictly on what I want to say.

When I am writing reviews, I also know that people will be reading them.  
The difference, however, is that in a review, a great deal of the 
process involves letting your own personality and perception show 
through.  That's what makes someone a reviewer, as opposed to someone 
who tells you what a story is about and whether or not they liked it.  
If you read Celeste's reviews carefully, you can learn a great deal 
about her inner self, her likes and dislikes, her home life, the kind of 
stories that appeal to her, and the humor that strikes her funny bone.  
From then on, every time you read one of her reviews, you can then see 
the story from her perspective, and maybe learn more about the story 
than you would otherwise.

The same goes for guest reviewers.  Some of the better ones let you 
learn something of themselves, their prejudices, their likes and 
dislikes.  The ones who use their "real" pseudonyms, I've noticed, are 
mostly theme writers.  They write in one flavour or style of story, and 
they review the same way.  Not to say this is better or worse, but it 
isn't my way of doing things.  A reviewer opens themselves up far more 
than a regular writer.  If I were to post reviews as *****, then people 
would carry a fair amount of baggage into my stories, and that's 
something I don't want.  This way, I can say whatever I want in a 
review, and it will have no effect on how people view my other writings.  

A reviewer also reveals more about different parts of himself than a 
writer does.  Take Dulcinea for example.  We know from her writing that 
she likes romance, adventure, sensuality, and having fun, in a loving, 
secure relationship.  As a reviewer, we would find out what other kinds 
of kinks turn her on and off, as well as learning about her views on 
bondage, cheating, incest, scat, humor, gangbangs, teen sex, and all 
them other subjects out there.  Maybe in addition to all the 
warm/soft/fuzzy stuff she likes, we'd learn that she has a secret 
yearning to have a dominant lesbian partner on the side.  Or, she might 
have a fixation against bm/mwf pairings.  Or something else all 
together.

I like reviewing stories that I wouldn't write; like some of Mike Hunt's 
stuff, or serious mind control stories, or far-out stuff like from 
Tiffany.  I *could* write about these things, but I choose not to.  My 
choice is to stick mostly with *****, even if my style changes 
drastically from one story to the next.  [Others] choose to write 
stories in a single vein, and in basically one style.  When you are 
reviewing, you don't need to limit yourself.  In fact, it is difficult 
to limit yourself.  Often, I write reviews that reflect the 'flavor' of 
the story I'm reviewing.  An (*ahem*) serious story about a love 
triangle wouldn't be treated the same way as some flippant romantic 
piece.  Truthfully, it takes as much skill, though applied in a 
different way, to write consistently good reviews as it does to write 
consistently good stories.  

Third note:  Ole Joe's "Alt.sex.stories - A Subculture" is a compendium 
of information well worth downloading. It contains lots of useful leads 
to good stories.  He has recently posted Version 5, and I hope you take 
a look at it.  If it helps you or if you have suggestions, drop Ole Joe 
a line at OleJoe@poboxes.com.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews 
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Barbie is Waiting" by R Rivers (spam contest) 8, 9, 9
      "Young Dumb and Full of Cum" by Mike Hunt (spam contest)
            10, 8, 8
      "Swinging the First Time" by Joan (foursome) 5, 5, 5
      "Truckstop" by The Bear (one-night stand) 10, 10, 10
      "Seeing Is Believing" by BronwenSM (humor) 10, 9, 9
      "The House of Sin" by BronwenSM (humor) 9.5, 10, 10
      "Auto Biography" by Mike Hunt (sex on wheels) 10, 10, 10
      "Your Wish" by Kim (cybersex & real sex) 10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews: 

      "Some Firsts for Me" by Mick (cross-age sex) 9, 10, 10
      "Who's Cheating on Who?" by GzAxgaiefX (sitcom parody) 7, 3, 2
      "Beast of the River" by Pat Powers (abduction & rape) 9, 7, 0
      "Candid Camera" by Unknown Author (adolescent wish 
            fulfillment) 6, 6, 6
      "Buffy James and BB" by BillyG (infidelity) 10, 8, 9
      "HypnoTV: Xena, Warrior Princess" by MAW (superhero sex) 
            8.5, 9, 9.5

Reposted Reviews:

    * "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom 
            parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
    * "Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (humor) 10, 10, 10

"Barbie is Waiting" by R Rivers (r_rivers@cryogen.com).  I have to admit 
it: I improvised a little bit by changing the title from its original 
all-uppercase spam-shout.  This is another story in the Malinov contest.  
A young man takes his computer messages seriously and goes out on a 
futile odyssey in search of FREE SEX!!!  Nearly wasted from his sojourn, 
he finds that BARBIE IS WAITING in a sleazy hotel, and that SHE IS YOUNG 
AND DUMB and wants to be FILLED WITH CUM.  This could be heaven; but no, 
the computer calls with more offers of FREE SEX! and he leaves his 
Barbie behind in his search for the perfect VIDEO VIXEN IN HEAT.

Ratings for "Barbie is Waiting"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Young Dumb and Full of Cum" by Mike Hunt (mrM1ke@aol.com).  This is 
possibly Mike Hunt's worst story ever; but that's mostly because his 
other stories are so good.  This one contains no sex at all.  Nada. Zip.  
I hadn't noticed this before, but perhaps Mike is a one-dimensional 
writer.  Hell, he may be a one-dimensional person.  What it amounts to 
is this: if you take all the sex out of his stories, they suck.  I guess 
that's not a fatal weakness, since his only claims to fame are as a stud 
and as a writer of sex stories.  But here we have Mike Hunt, trying to 
do good for humanity by advocating the imposition of lethal damage upon 
the bodies of spammers; and it comes across as a simple, ordinary story.  
I'm not even aroused - well, at least not until I glance down at my 
long, smooth, freshly shaven legs and nuzzle the toes of my right foot 
against the instep of my left, which gives me a warm feeling in my pussy 
and I suddenly realize that I'm not wearing underpants; and when I bring 
my hand to my mouth in an expression of astonishment, I detect the 
lingering scent of my love juices left over from the session I had with 
my new sextoys this morning....

Ratings for "Young Dumb and Full of Cum"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Swinging the First Time" by Joan (joan@swinging.com).  This is a first-
time author, whom I don't particularly want to offend but who has asked 
for feedback.  The story is based on an interesting and sexy fantasy.  
However the grammar stands in the way of letting the reader get a clear 
picture of this fantasy.  In addition, the author relates the story in 
such a way that it doesn't sound all that enticing.  My suggestion is 
that the author should take a close look at any of the "My Friends the 
Allens" stories by Mark Aster that involve a threesome or foursome.  
Heck, I have never even done a threesome or moresome myself, but when I 
read Mark's stories I can picture the action so vividly that I can 
REMEMBER doing those things myself.  It's not necessary to blindly 
imitate Mark, of course; but if you have four sexy people in a story, 
you might as well choreograph the action so that it conveys the sexy 
image that you want to share.

Ratings for "Swinging the First Time"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Truckstop" by The Bear (thebear@io.com).  This author is different from 
the other Bear, who has also authored several well-written stories.  
This New Bear wants to make sure we distinguish him from the Old Bear, 
whose stories have included sex with teenagers and children.  The 
current Bear wants to make it clear that he's not into that sort of 
thing.

The present story takes place in the general area of Sulfur Springs, 
Texas, which is the Mecca of smut writers throughout the world.  More 
dirty thoughts and imaginary orgasms have occurred per square food of 
inhabitable space in Sulfur Springs than perhaps anyplace else outside 
of Great Britain.  Amy is a businesswoman who pulls into a lonely 
truckstop for a bite to eat.  The only other customer mistakes her for a 
hooker, and she decides to play the role.  She gives him his money's 
worth and then some.

Ratings for "Truckstop"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Seeing Is Believing" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@writehand.clara.net.).  In 
"Sam's Bad Day" Bronwen wrote the prototypical spam parody.  That story 
used probably a hundred or so spam lines as part of its text.  Most of 
the lines made sense, and they produced an extremely humorous effect.  
This is a follow-up to that story, and it simply wasn't quite as funny 
for me this time.  I think the problem is that the author has gone into 
greater depth with the spam, and I simply haven't gone that far.  That 
is, I am familiar with the title lines (which were used in "Sam's Bad 
Day") but not with the captions on the spam pictures or the contents of 
the ads (because I almost never get  tricked into wasting my time on 
them).  Nevertheless, this was still a funny story; and if you are a 
spam aficionado, you'll probably enjoy the story even more than I did.

Ratings for "Seeing Is Believing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"House of Sin" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@writehand.clara.net.).  This is 
the final installment in what has become Bronwen's spam trilogy.  (The 
other stories in the trilogy are "Sam's Bad Day" and "Seeing Is 
Believing.")  The main feature of this one is Sam's trip to a place 
where he sees the literal results of his spam - kind of a combination 
Christmas Carol and Dante's Inferno of Spam Sex.  This is hard to 
explain briefly, but the spam characters perform literally the roles 
that Sam the Spammer assigned to them.  For example, girls "born only to 
cum for you" can't do anything except "cum for you." Twatsuckingteens 
are likely to starve, since they can't disengage long enough to do 
anything else except suck twat.  My favorite is the Year Old Slut,  who 
was created as a result of Sam's brain-dead typo, but must now live out 
her literal existence.

The trilogy presents a really good, humorous story.  The story even has 
a happy ending and a moral to it.

Bronwen's style is usually concise and the grammar impeccable.  But this 
story is not as smoothly written, and it is full of grammatical or 
stylistic peccadilloes.  For example, almost immediately after a 
sentence with about twelve disorganized subordinate clauses, we find 
this sentence: " The bigger one must've been over 200 pounds, 
astonishingly well distributed."  "Must've" is OK in dialogue (because 
that might be the way the character talks), but this extremely informal 
contraction seems out of place in the main text, where the author does 
not seem to be trying to achieve an impact by using a dialect of some 
sort. "Must have" would be more appropriate.  I guess I am being picky: 
I'm just full of wonderful advice today.  Maybe all Brits talk that way. 
But then this story contains Bronwen's first-ever dangling modifier: 
"Squashed together in the blackness, the smell and squeak of their 
leather clothing was overpowering."  The author meant to say: "Squashed 
together with his captors in the blackness, Sam found the smell and 
squeak of their leather clothing to be overpowering."  A few sentences 
later, we get another dangler: "Those eyes could never have been 
innocent, even as a child."

Ratings for "House of Sin"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Auto Biography" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  This is Mike Hunt's 
sexual odyssey as it relates to the automobile.  Sociology and history 
textbooks assure us that the two main factors that contributed to the 
sexual revolution in America were the pill and the automobile.  I 
suppose somebody earned money from a government grant to figure that 
out.  In this story, Mike Hunt elucidates and illustrates this 
phenomenon for free.

I have never driven a Rambler station wagon, nor have I done anything 
else significant in one.. Mike Hunt has.  The focus of this story is 
primarily his fumbling adventures and misadventures at getting to and 
beyond first base in his deluxe bed on wheels.  This is another very 
good story.

Ratings for "Auto Biography"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Your Wish" by Kim (kim@nym.alias.net).  I suspect that some people who 
read this story will think of the author as standing on a tall building 
with a high powered rifle.

Kim and Anne have decided to exchange sexual instructions via email.  
First we hear the challenge Anne poses for Kim.  It involves a vibrator, 
Kim's boyfriend, and some difficult but enjoyable positions.  Then Kim 
takes her shot at Anne.  To make a long story short, Kim's demands are 
rather severe; and so Anne's next set of instructions requires Kim to 
make up a list of hooker prices at which she will offer herself to her 
boyfriend.  That is, she must list several services, including some she 
doesn't really think she wants to do, and will charge Ron more for those 
things.  I think you can see where this is going....

I approve of this story.  They used K-Y at the right times.  This is a 
very sexy story.

I have written elsewhere about my own attitudes toward cybersex.  Simply 
stated, I don't do cyberlove.  My feeling is that I have a monogamous 
relationship that I value with my husband.  There's something special 
and even sacred about this relationship, and neither of us is allowed to 
risk ruining it by wandering into other relationships.  Cyber-romances 
are obviously different than direct relationships, but I would never 
really know for sure whether the person on the other end of the cyber-
romance expected the same things that I wanted from the relationship or 
whether I might be ruining a relationship I didn't even know about.  
Besides, "If it ain't broken, don't fix it."  That is, what I have is 
great, so why risk it?  On the other hand, reading sex stories and 
communicating with the authors poses no problem for me because the 
relationship between a reviewer or reader and an author is different 
than that between two participants in a romantic tryst.  And so I 
merrily go about my life, having occasional orgasms at the computer, 
greeting my husband with a shit-eating grin on my face, and waking him 
up in the middle of the night to fuck his brains out when one of these 
stories really gets me going.

Kim's story explores the positive possibilities of a view different than 
mine.  It's a very good story.  Is it realistic?  I'm sure it is.  Is it 
dangerous?  I think so; but danger can be fun.  I simply enjoy different 
types and levels of danger than Kim does.  Is Kim's way better than 
mine?  Gimme a break.  Different people have different backgrounds, 
needs, and interests.

Ratings for "Your Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Some Firsts for Me" by Mick (benedicta@anon.nymserver.com).  Guest 
review by Mike Hunt.

I always like reading a writer's first post. I remember mine: the 
encouraging words, the helpful note, the good review. A first story, 
like the first time you had sex, is one to remember. Maybe we should 
start a "first writer's club" or something: "Order, Order. The First 
Writer's Club will now consider "Some Firsts for Me", the first effort 
by Mick about first sex, though not in the way you might think at, uh, 
first..."

Mick gives his account of a months-long seduction by an older woman with 
whom he works with in a bookstore. The relationship matures through some 
teasing and tantalizing, movie dates and even lunches with her 35-year-
old husband (and her, of course.) It's easy to tell where the plot is 
going, but the ride is still fun. Finally the husband is out of town, 
and Mick is invited to her house for dinner.

The food is OK, the moment arrives, he joins her in bed, and she ties 
him down using her husband's neckties. The light bondage is just the 
first of Mick's firsts. The oxymoronic second "first" is when the 
husband joins the fray, and the even more self-contradictory third 
"first" is when the husband shows up and performs the sex act on Mick 
while the wife sits on his face. Mick's face, not the husband's face. 
He's busy. He being the husband. Well, Mick's busy too. Hmmm.

I'm getting confused here, but it's my fault, not the writer's. It's an 
interesting tale with a twist, and the writing is sparse but clean. If I 
have one criticism it is that Nick should learn to use more dialogue to 
move the story forward: it breaks the monotony of the endless paragraph 
blocks of narration.

"Some Firsts for Me" is a quite good first, and I'll look forward to a 
second. Do I hear a second? Meeting adjourned.

Ratings for "Some Firsts for Me"
Athena (technical quality): 9  (good writing but needs variety)
Venus (plot & character): 10 
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Who's Cheating on Who?" by GzAxgaiefX (GzAxgaiefX@aol.com).  Guest 
review by BillyG.

If all the grammatical, spelling and typo errors were cleaned up in this 
take-off on "The Simpsons," it'd remain a terribly lame story.  However, 
the fact is, the story line is so impaired, I hardly noticed the poor 
grammar.

If you enjoy sexual parodies of TV shows and characters, you might 
possibly find something of merit in this story, although it stretches 
credibility to imagine that.  First, let me admit my biases right at the 
outset. I'm not a television fan, although I've been exposed to The 
Simpsons; my son watches it.  I suppose if one was an ardent fan and 
knew the characters intimately, that'd relieve the writer from the 
onerous task of character development.  In this case, the people 
involved are largely faceless names in search of character.  They don't 
even come close.

Were I sufficiently intrigued, I'd go back and read the preceding 
chapters but I fear that'd bias me even more, so this review is based on 
the single episode.  Given the superficiality of the plot line I read, I 
suspect there's not a multi-layered, complex and interwoven intellectual 
story line I've missed.

Remember in the WWII movies how wounded bomber planes returned to the 
base unable to lower their landing gears?  They'd belly in and skip down 
the runway much like a flat stone thrown across the water.  Well, the 
sex in this story is a lot like that, skipping from one encounter to the 
next with all the sensitivity and foreplay of B17 belly landing.

Did you know what Marge looks like naked?  I didn't.  In case any of you 
have ever wondered, Marge has a "blue bush" and "large yellow boobs."  
That gets the juices going, doesn't it?  Then there's dear Homer.  For 
the very curious, Homer has a "little dick."  But the most graphic 
picture is reserved for C. Montgomery Burns, head of the power plant 
where Homer works.  Mr. Burns has a "fragile, skimpy body (with) puny 
leg muscles, wrinkled face and a (sic) long hard cock."

Marge boffs Burns to get Homer a job, and then finds she loves it!  
Homer's pissed and punishes her by jacking off on her body, not allowing 
her to orgasm.  But there's salvation.  Next door neighbor, Ned Flanders 
strolls over and finds Marge au natural and terminally horny courtesy of 
Homer's neglect.  Not a word is spoken.  He just climbs into the saddle.  
If you like the strong silent type of seduction, known to some as rape, 
you may find something of value in this scene.

Ned's wife, Maud,  is not idly; she's with her minister, Reverend 
Lovejoy.  As the Reverend "bulldozed into Maud Flanders's ass, she let 
out a short scream of pain which turned into a  long moan of pleasure."  
This is an equal opportunity story with, I think, a token ass fucking.  
All kinks are given equal time it would appear. Finally, Homer who goes 
to the power plant to kill Burns, finds him with his dick in  his male 
secretary, Smithers.  

That's it folks; that's the whole story.  Sorry I let the cat out of the 
bag. I remember as a kid seeing an underground comic of Popeye balling 
Olive Oil and tried to recall if this story was anything like that.  I 
decided it wasn't.  Popeye had more buildup.

Ratings for "Who's Cheating on Who?"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 3 
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 2

"Beast of the River" by Pat Powers (siren7@mindspring.com). Guest review 
by Anne747.

Sometimes you start reading a story and you think that it just might be 
an interesting read.  The set up sounds promising, the writing is good.  
Then it just becomes the same old predictable stuff.  Well, for me, that 
describes this story exactly.  One comment about the posting:  to some 
extent it is used to solicit business for a Publishing Company.  If I 
had visited the site first I might have had a different first impression 
of the story.

The piece purports to be an excerpt from a journal, found in the 
present.  The story is set in 1824 and has great possibilities.  The 
journal is written from the perspective of a young, probably well-
educated woman who feels distress about something in her past.  It's a 
perfect set-up for a hot sexual piece.  It could have been about a 
proper young lady who discovers that sex is pleasurable, addictive even, 
rather than just being something to endure (as I'm sure young women of 
that time period were told).

As it is, it's just another abduction rape story.  It starts with loving 
descriptions of three virginal younger girls being taken hostage with 
her.  The other girls are hooded, staked to the ground, and raped 
multiple times, until, you guessed it, they love it.  I mean, give me a 
break.  Of course, the fourth girl, being forced to watch, gets turned 
on.  The story ends with a hood being put over her head and she is taken 
away, leaving the reader to wonder about what actually happened to the 
girl (since obviously from the journal, she survived the encounter).

Well, some people will wonder.  I really don't care.  It's a shame that 
the writer took such a promising story and just turned it into a typical 
brutal rape story.  Normally I don't read these types of stories, but I 
try not to push them back to Celeste.  I've decided that these stories 
are boring.... first we abduct the woman, we see how scared she is, we 
now rape her brutally against her will, first she sobs, after two or 
three men she loves it.  Yawn.

Ratings for "Beast of the River"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 0

"Candid Camera" by Unknown Author (Reposted by Bookman Archives 
<readebks@wolfenet.COM>)  Guest review by Kim.

I ended my last review with a complaint that the author of that story 
was unknown and they deserved credit of a fine piece of erotic writing.

This story, on the other hand, begins with a plea for the unknown author 
to get in touch with the reposter/archivist so that he may reinstate him 
as the accredited author.

To be honest, I doubt he will get many takers. It's the sort of first 
attempt at sexy writing you tried when you were fifteen, but when 
finding it ten years later makes your toes curl in embarrassment.

It's the not very convincing story of a wanna-be professional 
photographer whose reduced to working in a photographic suppliers. He 
persuades the owner to let him turn a disused storeroom into a studio. 
And wouldn't you just know it, but a delicious babe walks in off the 
street and asks to have a modeling portfolio done, oh and while he was 
at it, could he do her some nude shots as well. Yeah, right. Happens all 
the time.

A more obvious piece of teenage wish fulfillment I can't imagine. It's 
filled with the sort of nonsense only a virgin could come up with. 
Still, I shouldn't be too harsh, the lad (I would be astonished if this 
is the work of a female) obviously means well, and his heart is 
definitely in the right place. He makes the heroine a nice person, 
there's no mind control, coercion, animals or any perversity of any 
sort. Just two adults being nice to each other.

I can't think of much else to say. The one word that sums it up 
precisely is juvenile.

Ratings for "Candid Camera"
Athena (technical quality): 6 (Pretty bad, but at least it's coherent)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (Man & woman meet, get naked, fuck, 
      the end)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Oh that's done it, 666 -- spooookeeey!)

"Buffy James and BB" by BillyG (Hayden@mindless.com). Guest review by 
Fiddler.

BB is Dr. Bill Burbank, a hotshot vascular surgeon.  Dr. (Howie) James 
is a  barely-competent fellow surgeon.  Buffy is Dr. James' wife.  BB 
pulls James out of a crisis, and then James asks him to drive his wife 
home, since James can't leave yet.  Buffy has always been frosty with 
BB, but apologizes and flirts with him on the drive home.  She invites 
him to a party at the James house that Sunday.  At the party, Buffy's 
friend explains that Buffy has always been attracted to BB but kept him 
at arm's length for fear of the damage that attraction could do to her 
marriage. Now she is willing to risk acting on that attraction.  Buffy 
returns and they make fervent love in the pantry while the party is in 
progress.  

This all seemed perfectly plausible while I was reading the story.   The 
sex is hot, if surprisingly genital-centered for this author.  The  
operating-room scene was exciting in itself, as well as establishing the  
characters of BB and the husband.  The wife's character is more 
explained  than established, but it still puts this story well above the 
a.s.s average  of "let me tell you about myself," for character 
development.

Ratings for "Buffy James and BB":
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 9

"HypnoTV: Xena, Warrior Princess by MAW (MS4EVER321@aol.com). Guest 
review by Piper.

(After reviewing "Xena: Warrior Princess by Steve1044" last time, I 
thought I'd check out what other Xena stories are out there.  Boy, the 
pickings are slim.  Ten stories in total.  With one of those being 
unfinished, two already having been reviewed by others, and one already 
reviewed by me, that leaves six to go.  In no particular order, here's 
number six.)

[Celeste - the other two stories reviewed were "Xena: Callisto's Escape" 
by Backrub, and "Hercules: Hero to Zero" by MC Woodsmoke.]

I guessed right off the bat that someone in the story was going to get 
hypnotized somehow (brilliant, huh?).  And lo, it came to be.  In this 
case, aided by some contraption built by Hephaestus (the god of 
metalsmiths), it's Ares (the god of war) who takes on the unsuspecting 
female duo of Xena and Gabrielle.  Strange as it might seem, I could 
actually picture something like this happening on the TV show.  After 
all, Ares does have this love/hate thing going with Xena.  

What Ares wants is for Xena to stop messing with all his warlords and 
kinglings.  Her stopping all those raids and wars is cutting into his 
fun.  Since killing her didn't work, bribing her didn't work, and 
sending minions to keep her out of the way didn't work, he's come up 
with a new plan: make her fall deeply in lust with someone.  He figures 
it'll keep her so busy, she won't have time for foiling his schemes any 
more.  And since there just happens to be someone right there all the 
time already, someone Xena has deep feelings for, he figures he's got 
the perfect setup.

Only, there's a small flaw in his plan.  You see, love is Aphrodite's 
gig (the goddess of love).  What happens?  You'll have to read the story 
to find out.

Since I, personally, don't have any experience with lesbian sex, I 
passed this one on to my two "lady" friends for their opinions, and got 
a two-thumbs-up in return.  One said "Pretty good writing, for a guy," 
while the other one said "Do you think he (meaning the author) was 
spying on us last year when we were on vacation?"  They rated it as 
2,1,0, which, on their scale, is a fairly decent score (three orgasms 
total, none simultaneous).  

Technically, this story is somewhat flawed.  While there weren't any 
typos or homonyms that jumped out at me, some poor English did.  Broken 
sentences and phrases tended to interrupt the flow, and disrupted my 
enjoyment of the story.  That's something a spellchecker can't help 
with.  This one isn't nearly as bad as some of the other writings I've 
read, but it still needs a little help.

Other than that, this was a pretty good story.  The characters stay 
pretty much in character.  The lines, although not inspired, are good 
enough to have been on the show.  If it weren't for the explicit subject 
matter (and the stock prose in the hypnotism parts), this could have 
been the core of a real Xena episode.  Not a bad job at all.  

Ratings for "Hypno TV:  Xena: Warrior Princess"
      Technical merit    8.5
      Plot & character   9
      Appeal to reviewer 9.5

* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike 
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).  Since this is CR 222 and since I am a 
high school English teacher, I thought it would be appropriate to repost 
this review.  Perhaps someone will repost the story as well.

Two female teachers at Walt Whitman High School go for a run.  They need 
a shower afterwards, but a gym class is using the girls' showers.  The 
coaches' shower is also in use.  Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, 
they decide to sneak into the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but 
they startle a straggler who is still taking his shower.  Some horseplay 
follows, and then they get into some hot threeway sex.  I remember 
seeing a few episodes of "Room 222," but I don't have a clear 
recollection of it.  I can't really evaluate this as a parody, but I 
found it to be a pretty good story in its own right.

Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

* "Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@writehand.clara.net.).  Sam 
is, among other things, a sidesman at his church. Forced to take the 
train home from work, he finds himself in a surrealistic world of sperm-
berpers and perky DoubleTeamingTeens doing it doggie-style.  Sam tries 
to reason with the juicy teens, but the perverted sex-vixens seem to 
have run amuck - er, amok - er, amuck, I guess. To put it bluntly, they 
just plain love to fuck & suck and talk dirty on the phone.

You see, what Bronwen has done is compose a coherent story using as many 
spam lines from a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. as possible.  It's really cute! He 
should receive a Well Deserved Spanking from Bare-Bottomed Schoolgirls.  
Pics at Eleven.

Ratings for "Sam's Bad Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

