Celestial Reviews 326 - May 22, 1999

Note: (best, gas, ice cream). Willie, a vacationing penguin, is driving through
Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look
and sees that oil is leaking from the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes
for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big
dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a
real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice
cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the
problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "Oh
no," the penguin replies. "It's just ice cream." 

Second note: (anal) A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to
perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when
she has an orgasm.

"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."

Third note: Star Wars terminology for male masturbation:

Grooming the Wookie 

Polishing Darth Vader's Helmet 

Unsheathing the Meatsaber 

Releasing the Special Edition 

Jumping to Delight Speed 

Communicating with Red Leader One 

Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo 

Tinkering With the R2 Unit 

Manually Targeting the Rebel Base 

Performing the Jedi Hand Trick 

Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears 

Test Firing the Death Star

Fourth note: Dear Celeste Department: A correspondent wanted to know what
advice I would have for this person:

(true story)
Hi, my name is confidential and I'm about to disclose to you a very discrete
matter between my girlfriend and I, which I would readily like to share with
you. But first, let me introduce you my breath-taking girlfriend Kris. 

She's 19 y/o, tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed, a shiny smile of kindness. As to
the physical aspects, she's very attractive, having lush tits, curved shaped-up
luscious ample ass. As a daughter of a Norwegian scientist, and a German nurse,
she looks very "Nordic", very alike to a typical Scandinavian. 

Well, for couple of years she's been having a bizarre habit/hobby, - farting on
cream cakes... (beats me) It's amazing to see her taking off her pants,
exposing her bare butt before me, then bending over, squating with it to the
cake, and vigorously breaking winds all over it. It's so wierd! Once I decided
to get down to it and asked her as to the meaning of this bizarre fetish, so
she told me that it has turned her on since being a little girl. Beats me! She
can hardly even explain it to herself!

So one day while I was drinking my coffee, she approached me, took a cake out
of the frige, got undressed and carried out her constant ritual. I got suddenly
so turned on, that my prick thought of punching my stretched pants, so I took
'em off. Astonished and grateful, I stared at my lover performing the ceremony
easily and slowly, thanking holy ghost for her beauty. She bent down to place
her ass in front of the cake, while I'm standing in the corner watching her
drawing near, her slot and asshole are approximately 2-3 inches from the cake,
waiting patiently for the digestion gases to accumulate, then be thrust out of
her body to meet the beneign cake. She told me she'd had the beans, so she was
equiped with a lot of farts just to be proud of. After she let out a silent
one, felt only due to its odor, she broke winds loudly, about 5 or 6 in a row,
every one of them sounded like a canon bombardment, or at least - a starting
motorcycle. The last one lasted 7 whole seconds. Initially the smell was hot,
strong and condensed as the molecules were too dense. After a while when it
began to spread, it has become sharp, punctual and less offensive. After about
20 seconds it felt all over the room, surprisingly turning me on. She raised
from the bending position, getting up on her feet. I kissed and hugged her
passionately, thanking her for thrilling me, and we both went to the bedroom to
make love and view a Veronica Moser film. As for the cake- after a few hours it
was a total mess, looked full of fungi and all sorts of bacteria and sour,
still carrying Kris' wonderful smell. Needless to say, it served as our desert
for dinner that very evening (yummy...).

She also had confessed to mostly enjoy breaking silent and smelly farts while
in public or near strange people (preferably her male friends - ughhh give me a
break!) - but that's for another time.
 >> 
Comments please!  (E-mail recommended)
>>

Celestial Answer: This person has numerous problems, but I can address only the
most important here. The usual rule is "I before e except after c", but weird
is an exception.

Note on the Celestial Answer: I have actually reviewed a story on this topic. 
The reason I know this is that my review was quoted in alt.folklore.urban in a
complete review of the newsgroup literature on Farto-Mania.  This next sentence
is going to be hard to believe: The letter is a fake. That's right; I found an
earlier version of it at
http://ww2.altavista.com/cgi-bin/news?msg@143354@alt.sex.fetish.watersports.
You can look it up. The whole discussion is interesting, in an uninteresting
sort of way.

Anuway, here's what I said: Date: Sat, 26 July 1997 10:43:14 -0500 From:
Celeste801@aol.com

   "Beware: Horny Cute Girls Fart on Your Food in Restaurants" by Spinner.
Until today, I had never knowingly reviewed a story written by an author from
Iceland, nor had I knowingly eaten a dessert upon a sexy Nordic beauty had
imposed her flatulence for ten minutes. Now I've done one of those things -
just one, I hope.

   I guess if some people sniff bicycle seats to get turned on, a guy could get
turned on by watching his girlfriend fart into a cream pie. I dunno; it's hard
to imagine. As Mark Twain (or was it Disraeli?) said, "One man's fetish is
another man's asswipe."

   I had chili for dinner tonight, but I don't have a cream pie. So I can't try
this out on my husband. I think something like this might have been behind
George Bush's well-publicized distaste for broccoli. The author says this is a
true story, but I have my reservations. The alt.folklore.urban people raise
serious doubts about similar escapades that are supposed to have occurred in
army mess halls and in kitchens manned by disgruntled employees.

   I guess maybe this sort of story would be of particular interest to those
thousands of sperm berping prom queens doing it doggystyle that I read about in
the a.s.s. spam.

Ratings for "Horny Cute Girls" 
Athena (technical quality): 7 
Venus (plot & character): 7 
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

Final note: I have accidentally lost contact with some of my reviewers.  If you
are a reviewer and have not received a story in a long time, please contact me.
 For that matter, if you just want to try your hand at reviewing a story,
please contact me (celeste801@aol.com}.

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"A Question of Honour" by Delta (primitive romance) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479557014
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479560307

"The Hut Behind the Garage" by Joanna (romance & seduction)
      9.5, 8, 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470519638
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470521260
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470521304

"Intersection" by David Lawrence (hot sexual angst) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=477866098

"A New Infection" by Homer Vargas (sex role satire) 9, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=445639159

"The Garden" by E.Z. Riter (romance) 10, 9, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479847320

"Spring Equinox" by Uther Pendragon (orgy) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=476029984

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Mommies" by Al Steiner (sex with Mr. Mom) BillyG: 10, 10, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453994656

"Stolen Moments (Revised)" by Watcher (corporate sex)
      Dragon: 9.5. 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=419338328

"Theresa the Elder" by Al Steiner (young boy & older girl) 
      Nick: 10, 10, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=477994159

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "The Rules of the Game" by David Lawrence (recreational sex)
      10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347878224 

* "Speechless" by David Lawrence (voyeurism). Pulp Fan: 9, 10, 10
     http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344763221 

=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================

"A Question of Honour" by Delta (delta@nym.alias.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479557014
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479560307

This is a story about some primitive people - an adult male and female and one
child of each sex - who are forced to get along with one another. The adult
male has been a renegade of some sort and is trying to escape his unsavory
past. The other three are the surviving members of a caravan that has been
massacred. Now the four have banded together for mutual protection and
survival.

If you are looking for sex, this is an extremely long build-up for minimal
turn-on. The first chapters of the story read more like an anthropological
study than a sex story. But a very interesting anthropological study.

The adult male speaks a different language than the others, and so they have to
communicate in a primitive sign language. The story unfolds through altering
perspectives of these two characters plus their sign language and interactions
with the two younger people.

The climax of the story coincides with the sexual climax. Each partner has been
trying to get something from the other, and in letting go they gain something
else. Maybe there's a universal truth of some sort buried here.

Of course, the question that is paramount in your mind, is why is this story
entitled "A Question of Honour"? You'll have to read the story to figure that
one out.

Although the sex was good, for me this was not predominantly a sex story. The
paradox is that by moving beyond a simple story, the author made this into a
better story; but at the same time the demands for what the story really needed
increased. Then the whole thing simply ended too quickly. What I am saying is
that although this was a very good story, it was also a most unsatisfying
story. Go figure.

Ratings for "A Question of Honour"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"The Hut Behind the Garage" by Joanna (joanna_de_brito@hotmail.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470519638
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470521260
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470521304

Tony and Beth had been friends from their childhood, when Beth wanted to become
a member of their gang so desperately that she was willing to pay the fee of
their "show me yours" initiation rite. They eventually had to move apart, but
the agreement was that the next time they met Beth would have to seduce Tony
and then he would have to marry her immediately thereafter. 

But time passes and nothing happens, until the story continues fifteen years
later.

This is a complex story with some nice twists and some forced aspects of the
plot. Overall, it's a very nice and sexy story.

Ratings for "The Hut Behind the Garage"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8.5

"Intersection" by David Lawrence (dhl@sysun.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=477866098

The guy has gone to a party with his younger girlfriend. She seemed bored
there, but she warms up when they park outside her house. After he gives her a
resounding orgasm, he takes a rain check when she offers to do him. This is
because he's already a bit worn out from his earlier activities with Susie, and
possibly with Betty. Then he goes home, finds another chick in his bed, and
sheds his weariness enough to bang her every which way they can before taking
her back to her boyfriend's place. Ah, the mysteries of women and of youth! 

Now I know you teenagers who are not reading this review because you are
prohibited by Law from being on this newsgroup in the first place - I know
you'll find this hard to believe; but there really can be such a thing as too
much sex. It gets boring after a while, when it's done just for pleasure with
no real emotion. Well, maybe not. But the great thing about this story is that
the narrator practically insists that all this serial sex is pointless and just
leads to confusion and broken relationships, but it's still a damned sexy
story. I would even add for the teenagers who are not reading this review that
the best idea is to read this story, enjoy it, have orgasms over it, fantasize
about it, and then not do it, because the negatives the narrator mentions
REALLY do happen, but that wouldn't dissuade anybody, because that's what the
author does already.

The description of the sexual activity is outstanding. The author uses
wonderful imagery.  He also does an excellent job of identifying and describing
emotions. 

From my own perspective as a mature, monogamous, adult female of the species, I
might view this story as a description of good reasons not to be a two-timing
son of a bitch. Someone with a more purely hedonistic inclination might view it
as a description of the good times that can be had by a two-timing son of a
bitch. Never having been a two-timing son of a bitch and never having slept
with one, I can't say for sure; but I think the best way to describe this story
is as a plausible description of the life and adventures of a two-timing son of
a bitch who is not such a bad guy after all.

You can interpret this story any way you want. But you're a real fool if you
don't read it.

I have reviewed a couple of other stories by this author. Since he has reposted
the stories, I'll repost those reviews later in this issue.

Ratings for "Intersection"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"A New Infection" by Homer Vargas (The_story_writer@yahoo.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=445639159

That madcap monarch of Mesopotamia, Saddam Hussein, has released into the
atmosphere a virus that will alter the human race. Fortunately, Mercedes and
sixteen other of the world's elite women scientists working at the Biodome are
protected by the All Seal mechanism.  All they have to do is hang out together
until the outside world becomes safe again.

Well, the virus makes women super sexy. That is, it turns them into parodies of
Internet blonde jokes. Somehow, the virus also affects men, making them
sex-crazed, as opposed to their normal dispassionate selves. Then the women
safely secluded in the Biodome get horny. They resort to dildoes. Then they
seek consolation from one another. Eventually, there's an interesting twist at
the end.

This story is more satire than sex.  The author tries to poke fun at both the
political establishment and male/female relationships. I enjoyed it, even
though some of the satire was a bit simplistic.

Ratings for "A New Infection"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"The Garden" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@pdq.net) 10, 9, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479847320

Jack marries Barbara, who is eight years older than he is and who has a
daughter named Vicki who is eleven years old at the time of their marriage.
Then Barbara gets killed by a drunk driver, and Jack becomes dismal and takes
up gardening until Jack is as old as Barbara was when he first married her. 
Question: Is this a problem on an algebra exam or an incest story? Answer:
Neither. It's a really sexy story with almost no explicit sex.

I had to dock this story a point because I'm giving tens only rarely since my
reformation.  The story does leave a few too many questions unanswered.  On the
other hand, devoting attention to those questions might have sidetracked this
story from being the delightful tale that it is.

Ratings for "The Garden"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Spring Equinox" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=476029984

I guess orgies are by their very nature somewhat incoherent or disjointed. This
story has both those characteristics, plus some spontaneous sex with unusual
ambiance.

Susan goes to the orgy with Uther, who is a 70-year-old but still magnificently
virile professor of philosophy who dabbles in magic and sex. At the orgy Susan
engages in intimacies with several characters whom you will recognize if you
are a regular reader of this newsgroup.  

I suspect a serious problem for some readers is that they will miss the
innuendoes if they are not familiar with the stories to which the author
alludes.  For example, a reader not familiar with Mark Aster's stories is
likely to be more confused than amused by all the fuss over Thomas and Keda,
Pat and Julie, and their godlike lover.

In short, this is a better story for the in-group of readers who regularly read
the most popular authors in this newsgroup and have followed the entire equinox
and solstice series than for the ordinary dilettante who has wandered into this
area from alt.bard.shakespeare.

Ratings for "Spring Equinox" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Mommies" by Al Steiner (al_steiner@hotmail.com). Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453994656

   I'm an Al Steiner fan and one of the things I like about his style is the
care he takes in setting up the players and the situation, establishing
believable, three-dimensional people. In his offering, "The Mommies," I was a
bit side tracked by this very device. 

   Oh, the plot's artfully straight foreword. The protagonist is a medium
successful writer, married with two little girls, seemingly in a stable
relationship. By a bizarre twist he becomes a single, divorced man. It's worth
reading just for that unexpected turn and sufficiently compelling that I
thought of it more as the beginning of a powerful story in its own right and
not, as it appears to be, the setup or prologue to the plot that eventually
develops.

   It seems odd that such a strong plot line serve no other purpose than to set
up why the protagonist is single with two little girls and consequently be
acceptable to the other "mommies" in the local park. The last part of the story
works well. The first part of the story works very well, and while they're
clearly connected, somehow theirs disconnect between them.

   In spite of that criticism, I liked the story and it's worth your attention.

Ratings for "The Mommies"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10 
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Stolen Moments (Revised)" by Watcher. Guest review by Crimson Dragon
(dcrimson@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=419338328

I have this thing about office politics - I hate office politics. Combine that
with the multitude of terrible stories about fucking the boss, and I wasn't
expecting to like this story.

But, I reminded myself, it was written by Watcher. Yes, the same guy that wrote
'A Matter of Need'. I geared myself up, and plunged onwards, trying my best to
ignore my initial prejudices.

I'm glad I did. This isn't your typical fucking-the-boss story. It is far more
than that, as I've come to expect from Watcher. How's that for pressure?
Watcher takes us into an unusual world of corporate antics and intrigue and
even suspense. As usual, Watcher takes us on an emotional ride, and I must
admit, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I can't tell you more than that, or I risk ruining the entire story and that
wouldn't be fair to you.

From a story-telling standpoint, Watcher is one of the best here on ASS/M.
Unfortunately, a few minor technical problems reared their ugly heads. But
don't get me wrong. They don't distract from the story enough to matter. I'm
only talking about a few missed commas here and there. I also believe that when
one sits, it is referred to as 'sitting', not 'siting'. And I'm not 100% sure,
but I think Watcher meant 'losing' not 'loosing'. Gotta watch those small
details, Watcher. But overall, these minor problems aren't enough to matter as
I said above.

The characterization in this piece is superb. I could almost touch the
characters. I was there with them.

There actually is a plot. An interesting one, too.

The sex in the piece is realistic and poignant.

An excellent, excellent story. Go read it, even if you hate office politics.

Ratings for "Stolen Moments"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Crimson (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Theresa the Elder" by Al Steiner (al_steiner@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Nick (nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=477994159

This is the first story I've read by Al Steiner, and it leaves me wishing I'd
read more (perhaps I will!). It is about a young boy's fascination with his
elder brothers girlfreind and his subsequent seduction, so although there are
no story codes, there is not much to worry about 'squick-wise'.

It is very well written and the pace is good. The characters and the situations
are realistic and believable and I was left with a feeling that this could well
be an account of an event in the writers own life. The seduction is built up
slowly, so that by the time the sex actualy comes, the reader is well ready for
it!

There are one or two minor criticisms. For example, the boy comes out of his
shower apparently fully dressed, and despite his age he is well practiced in
sexual techniques. I think I would have liked a bit more background on exactly
why he should be so accomplished. Minor flaws really.

Ratings for "Theresa the Elder"
Athena (Technique)     10
Venus (Plot/character) 10
Appeal to Nick          9

=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "The Rules of the Game" by David L (dhl@elektra.sysun.com). Ria and Tom have
agreed to remain friends rather than lovers. If they became lovers, they
reason, then they would stop being friends. Everybody (including Billy Crystal)
knows that. They used to have recreational sex, but they have vowed never to do
that again. In fact, they vow never to do that again every time they have
recreational sex together.

Anyway, they decide to hump one more time and then to re-vow; and so they go
off on a little odyssey to accumulate the props they will need for their
escapade.

The scene in the porn video store rivals the condom scene from "Summer of 42."
They go to great effort to keep the clerk from knowing what they are planning
to do, but he obviously knows all along. The only flaw in this sequence is that
the clerk comes into the back room to check on them. In real life, he would
simply watch them on the ubiquitous security camera.

The hottest sex scene occurs while they are watching the porn video. As you may
know, the actors and actresses in porn flicks sometimes lack both acting
ability and interest in their activity. However, in this case the actresses
come alive during the compulsory lesbian scene, and so do Ria and Tom.

The story is a wonderful combination of awkwardness, humor, and spontaneity.
It's a very sexy story.

Ratings for "The Rules of the Game"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Speechless" by David Lawrence (dhl@sysun.com). Guest Review by Pulp Fan. 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344763221 

In "Speechless" (aptly named, as there is essentially no dialogue), the
protagonist of the tale goes off to a secluded mountain retreat to be alone
with his thoughts. However, his thoughts are soon disturbed by the arrival of a
couple who, while acknowledging his presence, begin to get a little
amorous--all that clean mountain air and all. Their passionate kissing
embarrasses him at first, but slowly, as they grow bolder and progress a bit
further in their lovemaking, he begins to get turned on. You can pretty much
guess the rest from that point on, although it didn't _quite_ turn out the way
I thought it was going to go, and I thought the very end bit was a nice touch.

While the idea behind "Speechless" may be nothing new, I thought it was well
done and well written--a bit awkward in places, but nothing serious enough to
interfere with your enjoyment of it. Although the author terms this a "stroke"
story, I probably wouldn't have classified it as such. While the sex is heavy,
fairly lengthy and quite nicely done, there is more story and introspection
associated with it than I generally associate with pure stroke stories. On the
other hand (so to speak), if that's your goal in reading, this story could be
what you're looking for.

Ratings for "Speechless":
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Pulp Fan (appeal to reviewer): 10

<end>
