The Outsider
Copyright 2009 by EC
EC's Erotic Art & Fiction - http://www.ecgraphicarts.com/
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(warnings: language, adult themes, public nudity, sex between adults)

Chapter 24 – Spring Break

At the end of the week before Spring Break was about to start, Ruthie received an 
envelope from her father in Nebraska.  She dreaded to think of what it contained.  
Sure enough, it was an airplane ticket.  She sighed from frustration, because the 
last place she wanted to spend her week of free time during Spring Break was 
Lincoln.  Well, second to last.  Culiacan was at the absolute bottom of the list of 
places she’d want to go.  

Ruthie had been hoping to travel a bit with Mike, perhaps going as far as Oregon.  
She at least had wanted Mike to take her to San Francisco so she could see if there 
was anything she wanted in the shops of the Castro District.  The couple could 
have gone across the Golden Gate Bridge and she would have added to the 
collection of pictures she had of herself posing in the nude along the coast of 
Marin County.  At the very least she would have wanted a couple days at San 
Gregorio beach and perhaps a day of hiking along one of the more isolated trails 
in the mountains to the east.  All of those possibilities were canceled, because of 
that damn airplane ticket she was holding in her hand.  Oh well, as they always 
said, money talks and bullshit walks.

It turned out the ticket to Nebraska got her out of having to go to Culiacan.  The 
day after she got her ticket, Ruthie got a call from her mother admitting that she 
had been right about her suspicions about her cousin Alex.  He had indeed joined 
the main gang operating in the neighborhood where his family was living.  For 
several weeks he was a hellish arrogant little shit to deal with, but suddenly he 
calmed down and was very afraid to go out of his father’s house.  It was obvious 
he had pissed off someone, because for several nights in a row a dark SUV passed 
by the house and its occupants fired shots into the windows.  

By mid-March Doña Lisette had partially reconciled with her brother and was on 
speaking terms with him.  Upon hearing about the problems at his place, she came 
up with the only solution that made any sense: take Alex to Culiacan.  There he 
could stay at his grandparents’ house and have a chance to cool off.  Of course, 
knowing his character, it was just as likely that Alex would get in trouble in 
Mexico, but at least Ruthie’s uncle no longer would have to worry about his 
house being shot up.

So, on the weekend Spring Break started, Ruthie’s uncle, mother, and cousin left 
Salinas by car and headed south.   Doña Lisette would have forced her daughter to 
go along as well, but she already had the airplane ticket to Lincoln.  Ruthie’s 
mother was angry that she couldn’t help out with Alex, but she understood that 
the only way Ruthie could continue with her studies was to make Jake happy 
enough to pay another semester of tuition.  So, Ruthie Burns was destined to 
travel to Nebraska and not Sinaloa.

The lesser of two evils, but not by much, thought Ruthie to herself.

----------

On that same day her relatives left for Mexico, Mike took Ruthie to the San Jose 
airport to catch her flight to Lincoln.  She could not have known it, but her 
boyfriend was relieved that she would not be around to distract him from his job 
and his temporary assignment collecting money from meters.  Collections would 
continue unabated during the week of vacation, because there were several 
conferences on campus and orientation for high school seniors planning to enter 
the university in the summer or the fall.  The dorms and classrooms would be 
empty, but the visitor parking lots and their meters would be as full as ever.

Every day Mike helped himself to a bucket of quarters from the jammed meters.  
He had his late-afternoon routine established: first the stop at the hidden handicap 
spot where he moved the quarters into his backpack, and then the stop behind his 
car where he transferred the backpack full of coins into the trunk and put an 
empty replacement backpack in the truck.  Mike had bought a second backpack 
identical to his first one, because he realized if he had a backpack at the beginning 
of each shift and did not have it at the end, it could look suspicious.

By the end of the third week Sam was on vacation Mike had taken in enough 
money to pay down his credit cards and pay several pending expenses such as a 
dentist appointment and servicing his car.  He knew better than to deposit his 
illicit income in his bank, because deposits of coins could easily be traced if he 
were caught.  The initial bucket of money was something he couldn’t help, 
because he urgently had to pay off his overdraft charge.  However, afterwards he 
was careful to avoid doing anything that might create a paper trail or draw 
attention at his bank.  He never tried depositing a backpack full of quarters a 
second time.  He simply wrapped the coins and used them to make cash 
purchases, leaving his legitimate paycheck in his bank account to pay bills.

Mike was both nervous and content as he ran around being able to make any 
small purchase he wanted and watching his credit card balances as they started to 
shrink.  Yes, this was the life, the way things ought to be.  Why should he have to 
worry about monetary problems while those frat fags and football thugs and 
sorority bitches with the fake tits got to do whatever they wanted?  Because 
having Mike suffer in poverty was God’s plan?  Well if it was, then to Hell with 
God and the “Divine Plan”.  I’ll make my own “Divine Plan”.  Let someone else 
be poor and virtuous.  I want to be like those rich assholes I’m always ticketing.

Mike’s inner being continued its transformation as the weeks passed.  His 
thoughts were on grabbing as much money as he could and doing what he felt was 
needed to avoid being caught.  He had not thought about any of the political or 
social justice issues that previously had obsessed him since he grabbed that first 
bucket of coins.  Now that he had money, he wanted to relax and enjoy his life.  
He continued with his studies of course, and would do what was necessary pass 
his classes for the semester.  However, inwardly he realized that he would never 
be a pharmacist, so the only point in continuing that portion of his studies was to 
meet his science requirements.  As for political science, for the first time, he 
viewed what he was studying with detachment.  Not exactly apathy, but he no 
longer felt so connected to the world of political decision-making.

He wondered about Sam, who must have been doing what he was doing for 
decades.  It was obvious Sam was very comfortable; having figured out how to 
take just enough for his needs, but not too much to raise suspicions in the 
department.  That’s what I need to do, thought Mike to himself.  Get a gig like 
what Sam has, strike a balance, and just relax.  

Money for nothing…that’s the way you do it…

----------

Ruthie’s trip to see her father started badly.  Her airplane was buffeted by wind 
for the entire journey between her stopover in Salt Lake City and Lincoln.  As it 
crossed the Rocky Mountains, the plane shuddered upwards, then 
dropped…shuddered upwards, and dropped…shuddered upwards, and dropped…

Ruthie was terrified as the rough air jerked the plane around.  It was weird, 
because if someone had told her before getting on a flight that the plane was 
going to crash, she really wouldn’t have cared.  However, now that she was 
actually in the air, her instincts of fear and self-preservation took over as a result 
of the constant shaking and falling.  By the time her plane finally touched the 
runway in Lincoln, her nerves were completely rattled.

It was not the best time for Ruthie to go for a ride on her father’s motorcycle, but 
that’s what he had driven to the airport.  Ruthie clutched her father in raw terror 
when he got onto the highway and blasted 75 miles per hour in between all the 
trucks and SUV’s.  It just went to show how oblivious Jake Burns was to other 
people’s feelings, to show up at the airport riding his fucking motorcycle and run 
her down the freeway at 75 miles per hour after that traumatic flight she had to 
endure.  Ruthie was so scared that she pissed in her jeans…and yes…Jake Jr. and 
Jake’s girlfriend were at the house waiting for her…and she showed up with her 
pants all wet.

So…that was the beginning of Ruthie’s second trip to her old home in Nebraska.  
She spent the first night watching Jake Jr. while her father and his girlfriend went 
out drinking.  She didn’t mind her half-brother that much, but after he went to 
sleep she sat in the living room thinking “what the fuck am I doing here?”  She 
went outside.  She badly wanted to walk off her anxiety, but her sense of 
commitment held her back.  She couldn’t leave Jake Jr. alone very long.  What if 
the kid woke up and got scared, or her father came back to find her not in the 
house?  Better not to go wandering off…

The next day Ruthie learned why her father had wanted her to visit Lincoln.  He 
took her to a couple of community colleges and told her that she needed to inquire 
about transferring her credits.  He explained that he agreed with her being in 
college, but there was no sense in studying in California because “the lefties have 
that state so messed up.  No point in me paying for their screw-ups.”

Ruthie was dismayed that her father was telling her that she needed to transfer to 
one of the community colleges in Nebraska with no input from her whatsoever.  
She was infuriated, but said nothing because she did not want to have a fight with 
him and then have to spend the rest of the stay at his house in bitter silence.  She 
vacillated between wanting to tell him off at the airport when she went back home 
and thinking that maybe she should at least look into the possibility of studying in 
Nebraska.  From a financial point of view it did make sense…

However, from the perspective of Ruthie’s personality and overall outlook on life, 
moving to Nebraska made no sense at all.  Among other things, there were no 
nude beaches nearby and there was no chance whatsoever she could wear her 
favorite dress or run around with no underwear without being arrested.  She 
looked at the conservative swimsuits of women swimming in the pool of one of 
the community colleges and rolled her eyes.

Then there was politics.  Her father’s talk radio programs and his constant 
belittling of California and the “Left Coast” very much got on Ruthie’s nerves.  
During that second trip, Ruthie realized how much from the “Left Coast” she 
really was.  Maybe she didn’t fit into Davenport, but there was no way she ever 
could hope to fit into Nebraska.  As far a she was concerned, everything about the 
state was wrong: from the weather to the morality to the politics to the 
people…all wrong.  She wouldn’t be able handle it.

So she was screwed.  Her father was not going to pay for another semester in 
Davenport and she would not be able to tolerate a move to Nebraska.  

After several days of total frustration with her father, she disappeared from the 
house and spent an hour walking to the cemetery where her grandmother was 
buried.  She sat on the ground staring at her grave.  Ruthie reflected: it’s not 
Davenport I’d miss, because I hate Davenport.  It’s Mike.  The only reason my 
life doesn’t totally suck is because of Mike.

She realized that, as much as she didn’t want to admit it, the worst part about 
moving to Nebraska would be that it would force her to end her relationship with 
her boyfriend.  That would totally suck, because Mike was the only friend that she 
had.  Her life had been so lonely over the past six years, and now because of that 
one special person it was tolerable.  To come to Nebraska would mean giving up 
the support she had received from him.  How could she do that?

And yet…realizing how much she needed Mike did not make her feel any better.  
It sucks to know that one’s life and happiness is completely dependent on another 
person.

This sucks…my life sucks…it all sucks.  Suddenly depression hit her.  She knew 
it was going to be a bad episode as she felt the cold numbness flow into her body.  
She felt weighted down and helpless.  She had no desire whatsoever to continue 
with her life.  She wished that fucking plane had hit a wind-shear and crashed in 
the Rockies.  She spent an hour staring listlessly at her grandmother’s grave, 
before working up the energy she needed to walk back home.

----------

Ruthie returned to California more stressed than ever.  She had not given her 
father a firm answer on studying in Nebraska because in the back of her mind she 
was hoping that some miracle would put off that decision and that she could stay 
in California over the next year.  And yet, she did not want to risk cutting off the 
only financial support she could count on.  The only thing she could think to do 
was to delay as much as possible, which was not much of an option because the 
end of the spring semester was less than two months away.

Mike was waiting for her at the airport.  He was worried, because he had received 
a call from Ruthie’s mother.  He related to her that Doña Lisette was crying over 
the phone and he could barely understand what she was trying to say, apart from 
asking Ruthie to call her immediately upon getting off the plane.

There was more bad news coming Ruthie’s way the moment she dialed her 
mother.  While Doña Lisette was in Mexico, her apartment had been burglarized.  
Ruthie would later find out from the police report that the residence was raided 
several times, because the criminals realized that no one was home and they could 
help themselves to Doña Lisette’s belongings at their leisure.  They took all of her 
appliances, most of her furniture, and even some of her clothes.  It was a 
devastating loss to someone who already was broke.

Without saying anything more, Mike drove south towards Salinas so that he and 
Ruthie could see what they could do to help her mother.  There wasn’t much do 
be done.  The apartment had been totally cleaned out.  Ruthie’s mother was sitting 
on an old sofa, the only piece of furniture in the living room the criminals had not 
bothered to take.  Her aunt was sitting next to her, trying to comfort her.  

Finally Ruthie’s aunt took her mother out of the apartment and over to her 
brother’s place.  It was up to Ruthie and her boyfriend to clean up.  A few pictures 
and books were scattered about, but not many.  Most of Doña Lisette’s personal 
items had been taken.  The kitchen was cleaned out, totally.  They only found a 
couple of broken coffee cups and a few dirty spoons and a fork.  The criminals 
even took the two beds.  There was some clothing dumped on the floor, enough to 
fill a large suitcase.  However, they would have to buy one, because the suitcases 
had been stolen as well.  Mike volunteered to get a couple of replacement 
suitcases and some cleaning supplies.  He handed over several rolls of his quarters 
at the store and came back.  They had Doña Lisette’s remaining possessions 
packed within a few minutes.  The only thing left was the forlorn task of clearing 
out the debris.

When Mike and Ruthie finished cleaning the apartment, they wondered what to 
do about the left-over sofa.  It had been left behind by the burglars because it was 
in such shoddy condition it was not worth taking. Ruthie decided to leave it by the 
dumpster.  As they struggled moving the piece of furniture they saw several 
tough-looking teenagers smirking at them.  They realized it was very likely those 
were the guys who broke into the apartment.  However, there was nothing they 
could do, because the police were not seriously pursuing burglaries due to budget 
cuts and they certainly were not going to question the teenagers on just a hunch 
from the victim’s daughter and her boyfriend.  Ruthie noticed the colors and 
tattoos of the teenagers were different from those of Alex’s gang.  She wondered 
if Alex’s gang problems may have had anything to do with the burglary, if her 
mother had specifically been targeted because she was his relative.

As they left the apartment complex, Ruthie had an observation:

“You know…my mom’s been in this country for 20 years.  20 years, Mike.  And 
now…everything she was ever able to buy…over all that time…got ripped off.  
Every fucking thing she bought.  And it’s all ‘cause of that asshole Alex and his 
fucking gang-banger shit!”

Mike didn’t respond, but he reflected that had Doña Lisette not been forced to 
move in the first place, she would not have been robbed.  It was inevitable in that 
squalid complex that sooner or later Ruthie’s mother would have been burglarized 
while she was at work.  Mike blamed Doña Lisette’s employer more than he 
blamed Alex.

When they showed up at the house of Ruthie’s uncle there was more 
unpleasantness.  Ruthie’s aunt came out and took the suitcases with Doña 
Lisette’s remaining clothing.  She told Ruthie that she was not welcome in the 
house and went back inside.  Ruthie understood that her mother and her uncle had 
made up, but the reconciliation did not extend to her.  After all, it was Ruthie who 
knew about Rosa’s plans to run away and failed to say anything.

On their way back to Davenport, Ruthie realized there was a huge irony in her 
mother’s situation.  Doña Lisette was staying at her brother’s place, with two 
suitcases of old clothing and nowhere else to live.  Her situation was exactly the 
same as it had been 15 years earlier when she fled Nebraska and re-settled in 
California.  All of her efforts over those 15 years to work and build up a decent 
life for herself and her daughter had resulted in nothing.  

----------

The following day was Sunday.  Ruthie’s mother called her and asked her to meet 
her at church.  Ruthie knew that during her worst moment of crisis she should 
have played along with her mother’s religious beliefs, but she no longer could 
bring herself to do so.  In a calm voice that was rare for her, she responded:

“Mom, I can’t go to church anymore.  It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t.  
After everything that has happened to us, there’s no way I’ll ever love God.  I’m 
not gonna worship something I hate.”

Ruthie’s mother countered that, especially at that moment when God was testing 
her, Ruthie must not give up her faith.  She cited the book of Job and Christ’s 
tribulations on the cross, saying what they went through was much worse than the 
loss of a job and some possessions.  Ruthie thought about telling her mother the 
truth; that she had not believed in God since she was 15, but fortunately her 
thinking was fast enough to prevent her from making that mistake.  In the typical 
Christian tradition of blaming everyone and everything except God and one’s own 
faith, Doña Lisette would have latched onto Ruthie’s atheism as the reason why 
God was punishing the family.  It would be much better for Ruthie to let her 
mother believe that it was the recent problems that made her lose her faith.  
Maybe that would get Doña Lisette to thinking and bring her to her senses.  Of 
course, Ruthie should have known that could never happen because her mother 
was not a reflective person and did not have the education or experiences to 
change one set of beliefs for another.  Her faith was all she had, and the most 
recent problems would only make her cling to her religion more fervently than 
ever.

Ruthie repeated:  “I’m not going to church anymore.  No church.  Not your 
church, not Mike’s church, not Cristina’s church.  I’m done with God.  And as for 
Jesus, he didn’t save anyone.  He couldn’t even save himself.  I’m sorry, Mom, 
but that’s the way it’s gonna be.”

“You can’t turn your back on God!”

“God turned his back on us a long time ago.  If God exists and has anything to say 
to me, he knows where to find me.”

The conversation continued along those lines for several minutes, but finally 
Doña Lisette hung up, convinced that she had “lost” her daughter.  Tears were 
running down Ruthie’s cheeks, but her patience with her mother’s faith finally 
had run out.  She couldn’t keep up the act any more.  

When Ruthie told the story to Mike, he had nothing to say or add.  Inwardly he 
felt that Ruthie had made a mistake by choosing that moment to tell her mother 
that she no longer believed in God, but it was done and could not be reversed.  
Mike knew that Ruthie’s mother would view the “loss” of her daughter as just one 
more of the Lord’s tests and that Ruthie’s actions would not lessen her faith in the 
least.  The only thing Ruthie had accomplished was irreparable damage to her 
relationship with Doña Lisette.  He wondered, with the feud between his Ruthie 
and her uncle over Rosa and the break with her mother over religion, if his 
girlfriend had permanently cut herself off from her family.  He saw nothing good 
coming out of what had just happened, nor did he have his normal reaction of 
hoping that Ruthie would be more completely dependent on him.  He saw the 
conversation for what it was; an unfortunate event that would further isolate and 
demoralize his girlfriend.

The day promised to be pleasant, so they drove northward to San Gregorio beach.  
Ruthie was agitated, but soon the feeling of being naked in that attractive place 
and having the opportunity to walk around calmed her down.  She and Mike even 
went into the ocean for a few minutes, in spite of the large waves and cold water 
temperature.  They shivered when they got out, but then warmed up as the sun hit 
their bare bodies.  It felt so good to be naked in the open air.  Ruthie would not 
have this same pleasure in Nebraska.  No, she couldn’t give up the opportunity to 
go to the beach.  Maybe the trips were no as frequent as she would like, but they 
were one of the small things in life that helped keep her somewhat sane.

----------

The following day classes started up again.  The weather was very nice, so after 
lunch Ruthie decided to wear the green dress Mike had given her over Christmas.  
After she put it on, she looked at herself in the mirror, admiring her almost naked 
body.  It was exciting to think she’d be outdoors, in the view of thousands of 
people, in just a minute.  As she went out, many of the guys in the hallway 
couldn’t take their eyes off her.  The warmth of the sun hit her bare back and hips 
as the breeze flowed freely under the thin cloth.  She could feel the open air 
against her bare bottom and pussy.  It felt so good to be outdoors with so little on.

The only uncomfortable moment was in a seminar class that was taught by a TA 
who clearly did not approve of what Ruthie was wearing.  She kept getting 
unpleasant looks from the woman and had to slip out quickly at the end of the 
hour before the TA had a chance to talk to her about her lack of clothing.  
OK…good thing to know…If Ruthie was going to attend class in either of her two 
skimpy dresses, it would be best to only go to the larger lecture classes and not to 
any seminars.

Later that afternoon there was a pleasant surprise for Ruthie, because the art class 
for which she was modeling would take advantage of the warming weather and 
move outside.  The professor ordered his students to take their sketchpads to the 
grassy area behind the art building.  Ruthie carried her dorm blanket and laid it on 
the grass.  She kicked off her shoes and pulled her dress over her head.  She 
totally enjoyed the thought of being naked in a public area of the university, in 
full sight of the sidewalk and both the art building and the back side of the library.  
People walked by and looked at her as they passed.  This was totally great; a 
chance to play exhibitionist and be paid for it.  As always, during the break Ruthie 
did not bother to put her dress back on.  She simply wandered among the students, 
curious to see if the drawings done of her outdoors were any different from the 
ones done of her indoors.  

The professor marveled at his model’s brazen behavior, but by the middle of the 
semester he had gotten used to it.  That was fine, because one topic he wanted to 
explore was photography and using photos to create drawings.  He knew that 
Ruthie would have no problem being photographed by his students, but was 
curious to see how far he could push her.  He instructed his class to bring cameras 
for the next session, preferably ones with traditional film, but digital cameras 
would be fine as well.  He stated that if anyone had a camera capable of using 
black & white film that would really be great.

The next day, 40 students in two classes spent two hours photographing Ruthie in 
the area around the back of the art building.  Ruthie assumed various artistic poses 
before following her professor’s instructions to walk and run around the lawn.  A 
lot of passersby had stopped to watch and some of them had taken out their cell 
phones to snap pictures.  Ruthie loved those two hours, the feeling of showing 
herself to so many people and knowing that the photos taken of her would be 
circulating.  The professor would have been nervous forcing any other model to 
be so publicly exposed, but it was obvious for this type of assignment Ruthie was 
perfect.  He definitely would have to offer her more work over the summer and 
during the next school year.

----------

Dr. Hartman e-mailed Ruthie on the morning of her first appointment after Spring 
Break to remind her about the essay she had requested concerning her fantasies 
about Mrs. Peters.  The counselor really did not know what to expect from her 
client: she would not have been surprised had Ruthie totally forgotten about the 
assignment.  Well, Ruthie’s lengthy e-mail proved that she definitely had not 
forgotten.  During her lunch break Hartman stared transfixed at her computer 
screen as she read her client’s narrative.  She learned a lot about the student 
during that reading, among other things that Ruthie could express herself in her 
writing far better than she could express herself talking.  Hartman was able to 
clearly visualize Ruthie’s imaginary life as she read through the series.  Yes, the 
fantasy really did have a hold on the girl.

When the student showed up in her office, Hartman was curious to know how 
Ruthie’s crush on Mrs. Peters ended.  Did her attention simply move elsewhere, 
or was there some event that disillusioned her?  During the session she asked 
Ruthie that question:

“No, I never got over Mrs. Peters.  What happened was the school year ended and 
she was only teaching freshman-level classes.  I really wanted to get into another 
one of her classes, and I tried, but my school counselor said ‘no, you’re not taking 
a freshman-level class just because you want to be with your favorite teacher.’  
So, I didn’t get into any of her classes and I didn’t see much of her over the next 
year.  Anyhow, I was doing all this reading at home…this was when I started 
getting into ancient history and Rome and Biblical times and was starting to 
realize how the Bible was put together.”

“So you were able to forget about Mrs. Peters?”

“I didn’t say that.  No.  I never forgot about her.  I wanted to see her, but I knew I 
couldn’t and I knew I couldn’t talk to anybody about it.  I mean…how could I 
have told anyone what I was feeling and what I wanted?  Anyhow, something 
happened around Halloween of my sophomore year, that kinda upset me, I 
mean…I felt totally stupid…but it really affected me.  There was this big school 
function…family day…and the students were supposed to bring their parents and 
the teachers were supposed to bring their husbands and kids…and here Mrs. 
Peters shows up with her husband and this kid that must have been about five or 
so.  Yes, I know…her name was Mrs. Peters so she was gonna have a husband 
because of that, but…you know…I was having all these fantasies and I wasn’t 
thinking about her husband…and then I saw him and realized that everything I 
was thinking about me and her was a bunch of shit.  Here she was, walking 
around with this guy and this kid…and…I don’t know how to say it…but it 
kinda…you know…affected me.”

“Ruthie, you need to understand that you weren’t in love with Mrs. Peters.  You 
were in love with a fantasy that you created yourself.  The only thing Mrs. Peters 
did was put a face on that fantasy.  Have you ever thought about it like that?”

Hartman’s words cut at Ruthie, because no, she had not thought about her love for 
Mrs. Peters like that.  All that emotion and affection and lusting and 
daydreams…all of that was nothing but a fantasy that she herself had created?  
That she was not in love with the real Mrs. Peters?  She would have rejected that 
idea, but it was true that Ruthie’s fantasies with her teacher never included 
anything having to do with the woman’s real life.  While Ruthie spent her time 
daydreaming and masturbating, Mrs. Peters was taking care of her kid and 
probably cooking dinner for her husband.  So all of it was all an illusion; the 
imaginary personality that Ruthie had assigned to her teacher.  Nothing but a 
fantasy.  It was hard for Ruthie to accept that she was in love with a figment of 
her imagination and not with a real person, but she knew Hartman was right.  She 
couldn’t have been in love with Mrs. Peters because the Mrs. Peters of her sexual 
fantasies existed only in her mind.  The real Mrs. Peters was totally different.  

Unfortunately, during Ruthie’s sophomore year there was no one who could 
explain to Ruthie what was going on with her crush on her teacher.  Ruthie was 
disappointed, but she couldn’t articulate to herself why she was so disappointed.  
Now Hartman had helped her dig up that memory and offered her a good 
explanation.  She went back to her feelings and her reaction:

“I dunno.  When I saw her family, all I wanted to do was go home and…like…hit 
myself…or poison myself like those Roman women did if things weren’t going 
well in their lives.  I was thinking about God and what a sicko I was and how 
fucked up I was…I felt like total shit.  I know it was stupid to feel that way, but 
it’s how I felt.”

“Wait a sec…let’s back up.  Was that the first time you thought about killing 
yourself?  Because of that school event where your teacher showed up with her 
husband?”

“No…I was thinking about it before…kind of…but it was the first time I 
seriously wanted to do anything…I was totally depressed that I had been wrong 
about Mrs. Peters, but I never figured out how to do it right, kill myself, I mean.  I 
wanted to try hemlock…you know like what that Greek philosopher Socrates 
did…that sounded like a really neat way to go…but I couldn’t find the recipe.  
But I did start doing something else…”

The counselor waited for her client to continue, but Ruthie started fidgeting and 
stared at the floor.  Finally Hartman got tired of waiting.  She looked at the clock 
and saw that there were only a few minutes remaining in the session.

“Would you feel comfortable sharing it?”

Ruthie blushed furiously.  “It was something really weird…that I did…really…I 
guess…it was kinda perverted…”

“I think ‘perverted’ is in the eye of the beholder, Ruthie.  I’ve talked to a lot of 
people about a lot of things and I have seen a lot of things.  Unless you’re doing 
something that’s hurting someone else, I don’t think it’s very easy to shock or 
offend me.”

Ruthie became very agitated as she glanced at the clock.  She badly wanted to tell 
Dr. Hartman her secret, but felt that she needed to tell the entire story from 
beginning to end.  There wasn’t enough time for that.  Another urge hit her.  OK, 
Dr. Hartman…you really want to know about me?  You say nothing can shock 
you?  Well, we’ll see about that.  She continued staring at the floor and fidgeted.

“Dr. Hartman…it’s a long story…and I…I got some pictures…and…maybe you 
ought to see them…and then…I’ll tell you…I can tell you…you know…what I 
did…”

“You want to show me some pictures?  Ones that you took?”

Ruthie blushed and nodded.

“Alright then, we’ll leave it for next time.  The clock’s not much of a friend to us, 
is it?”

Ruthie shook her head.


