"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash. I'm a city girl. But that doesn't mean I don't know about country livin'. I listen to country songs on the radio, and they talk about lonely hearts, pickup trucks, unfaithful women, hard-living men, and greyhound buses. They don't talk about Christmas ponies. The young folks don't get much done 'cuz they're having too much fun in grandma's feather bed or rolling in the hay with Farmer Johnson's daughters, because there ain't nothin' wrong with their radios. The men occasionally leave their women at home while they pursue a Holy Grail called the damned ole rodeo. The women are often tigers in their tight-fitting jeans who are looking for love in all the wrong places down at the honky tonk. But none of them concern themselves with Christmas ponies.

If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about. Pam Tillis would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy life. Believe me: those songs are straightforward. They sing about partying with Jose Cuervo and waking up in someone else's clothes; about living in two-story (not storey) houses; about little lovin' lies; and about two-timing bastards. One of my favorites is a ditty by the Statler Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" - actually a pun on Rose's Bed - in which a teenager describes how he learned all the things a man should know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom the church-going folks in town wouldn't even talk to. A Christmas pony wouldn't even be a stretch for country singers, who invented the term Dolly Parton and have been known to name their male children Sue.

No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony. But heck, there's no such thing as Santa either. And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose that glows. Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes each winter. And so a story about a Christmas pony is not out of order.

Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher. The basic plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the chimney; and while Mom, Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot their future activities, Santa has sex with the pony right there in front of the Christmas tree and fireplace. This obviates the need for egg nog! And as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says to his father: "And you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until we're eighteen. I fully understand your reasons why. So that's when I came up with the idea of having sex with animals. I can learn about sex, have a great time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant."

Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off.

What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the stairs.