"For Celeste" by Grammaticus

"For Celeste" by Grammaticus (an541328@anon.penet.fi). This is the second poem that I know of that has been written about me. When I was back in high school, our junior English teacher required us all to write a poem. I wrote a (non-sexual) poem very much like this one, in which I poked fun at everyone in the class. Mrs. Jones (not her real name - I'm just being clever here) gave me "extra credit" for this "interesting doggerel" and told me to write a "real poem." She was a bright lady and may have changed her name to Grammaticus by now.

Anyway, I enjoyed this delightful "poem," and I think you will too. I hope the author reposts it. You don't have to be the person to whom the verses are directed to enjoy a stanza like this:

So write down what you do in your bed,
Or the fantasies loose in your head.

But don't make me read

Of your doing the deed
With children, your pets, or the dead.

Here's the best writing advice I found in the poem:

So write, then revise and rewrite,
Avoiding whatever is trite.

For not every cock

Must be 'hard as a rock,'
Nor every wet pussy be 'tight.'

But this was a close second:

Your scenes may be so damned intense
Some readers may well take offense.

But however you fashion

Your tales full of passion,
Make sure that your verbs don't change tense.

I think Grammaticus took poetic license with some of my beliefs and opinions, but that's all right with me. I hope the author reposts this Celestiad. After all, as the Bard says:

These stories can be helpful, too,
For those who have no one to do.

For boys monkey-spanking

(The Brits call it 'wanking')
And girls paddling their own pink canoe.