South Park Just For You Newsletter
74th Edition
Friday February 8, 2002
With Your Fem-Mods: Jessica and Kandice and Your
Mod From England: Mark
From: Mrkjobroni@aol.com
Subject: NIPPLE part one
I wrote a new fanfic, and there was much rejoicing. WARNING: This fic may cause you to want to take your clothes off.
(Open outside of Kyle's home. Day. Cut inside to the living room where Kyle is in the process of dressing Ike.)
Kyle: No Ike! Leave your pants on.
(Ike pulls his pants down, mooning Kyle.)
Kyle: No! Ike you have to keep your clothes on.
Ike: Why?
Kyle: Because you.....Hold on a second....
(Kyle walks to the kitchen where Sheila is fixing something to eat.)
Kyle: Ma? Why do people wear clothes?
Sheila: What?
Kyle: Ike just asked why he had to wear clothes. Why does he? Why do *we*?
Sheila: Because Kyle, if people didn't wear clothes we'd be naked.
Kyle: (blinks) Right. But why is that bad?
Sheila: Because it's inappropriate to see other peoples' schmutz.
Kyle: So then why does God make us born naked?
Sheila: Because....He just does Kyle.
Kyle: But I don't get it. What'd be the big deal if we didn't wear clothes?
Sheila:......Go to your room young man! Right now!
Kyle: Ah jeez.
(Kyle goes off screen. Cut to the Ext. of the school. Day. Cut inside to the classroom. The children take their respective seats.)
Kyle: Hey Stan? Why do you wear clothes?
Stan: Because I have to.
Kyle: But *why* dude? Who made up that rule? If our clothes fell off right now would anyone really care?
Cartman: Yes jew. If you didn't wear clothes you'd be a little hippy nudist. And hippies suck.
Stan: Nudist?
Cartman: You know those losers that go around naked saying it's okay for people to be undressed around each other.
Stan: Oh......And that would be bad?
Cartman: Of course it'd be bad! Do you really want to see another guys schlong?
Stan: Well I guess I wouldn't care. I mean we all have the same parts.
Kyle: Exactly. So why the hell do we have to wear clothes?
Wendy: Kyle's right. The human body is a beautiful thing and we should be allowed to show it off if we want.
(The class mumbles out their respective responses, contemplating and debating the issue.)
Cartman: Oh come on. Don't tell me you guys all wanna be tree huggers. What about having to see the *opposite* sex naked, huh?
(The class thinks for a minute.)
Kenny: (That'd be fucking awesome.)
Cartman: Quiet Kenny. I don't want any girl cootie herpy germs spreading around hyaw.
Stan: Cartman just because you can't handle seeing a girl naked doesn't mean we can't.
Kyle: Yeah we took sex ed. We know who has what.
Class: Yeah.
Cartman: Oh sweet lord they're all against me.
Wendy: I'm tired of being told what to do by a male dominated society. This is a free country and if I wanna be naked, then I'll be naked.
Class: Yeah!
Cartman: No! Wendy I don't want to know you like that.
Kyle: We shower naked. One day we'll all have sex naked. Why *can't* we just be naked now?
Class: Yeah.
Cartman: Because I don't want you to be dammit! Respect my authoritah!
Wendy: Down with the oppressors!
(Wendy stands on top of her desk and begins undressing, starting at her coat. The class cheers as a few coins and dollar bills start flying toward her. Cartman runs screaming out of the room as the rest of the class follows suit and starts losing their clothes as well, starting with their hats and gloves. Cut to later in the day. With books coincidentally covering just the right spots the school children roam the hallways naked as Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey and the other teachers look on.)
Principal Victoria: What are we supposed to do about this? We can't suspend the entire school.
Mr. Mackey: Many children like to experiment with being naked m'kay. Perhaps if we just give it some time they'll stop.
Mr. Garrison (off screen): Oh stop being so uptight. There's nothing wrong with the human body.
Principal Victoria: (turning her head) Mister Garrison I hardly think that-OH!
(Cut to Mr. Garrison, who's also naked. Mister Hat is placed over his genitals.)
Mr. Garrison: Loosen up and join the party. You revolted in the sixties too.
Principal Victoria: Well yes but....I......
Mr. Hat: Yeah stop being such a frigid bitch and show those melons.
Principal Victoria: Well....It *is* pretty hot in here isn't it?
(She begins unbuttoning her shirt.)
Cartman (off screen): NOOO!!!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah that's the spirit.
Mr. Mackey: Well hell I'm game if you all are. Back on my commune we were naked all the time.
(Mr. Mackey takes his shirt off as we pan to a close up of Cartman. He's standing alone in the halls, the only one clothed, as many students and faculty run around him.)
Cartman: Oh dear God my school's becoming a commune. Why lord? Why?!?
(He begins crying as a nude Mr. Mackey very quickly runs past him.)
Mr. Mackey (as he runs by): Flower power m'kay!
(Cut to an Ext. shot of the school again. Night. Cut inside to the auditorium where many parents are seen and heard voicing complaints from their seats. A naked Principal Victoria is seen on stage, covered by a large podium.)
Principal Victoria: Parents please....
Sheila: How can you possibly support this in school?!
Principal Victoria: Our new nudism policy is just like other schools policies on praying. It's available to students and faculty but you don't *have* to do it. I should point out that not every student has chosen to come here naked.
Liane: Excuse me but my son says everyone but *him* is naked.
Principal Victoria: Well yes, but....that's still not everyone.
Sheila: This is an outrage! You people might let children run around however they like but I for one won't stand for it!
Parents: Yeah!
(Cut to the cafeteria the next day. The children, all now fully clothed, are walking around with frowns on their faces. We pan to the lunch line and see Kyle standing around. Stan and Wendy walk on screen behind him.)
Stan: Hey dude. Your mom made you get dressed too?
Kyle: Yeah. She said if I took off my clothes at all during school I'd get grounded.
Stan: Oh well it was nice while it lasted.
Wendy: No! We aren't giving up yet.
Stan/Kyle: We're not?
Wendy: No.
(Cartman comes on screen with a big smile on his face and gets in line.)
Cartman: (sighs happily) Finally some normalcy has been restored. I hate nudists.
Wendy: If our parents won't let us be free in school, then we'll just have to take our case to the government and get a naked law passed. They can't stop us from being naked if it's a right under the law.
Cartman: Talking to the government won't do anything training bra burner. You see, I've won. Thanks to Kyles bitch mother bitching to everyones parents again the madness has stopped once and for all.
(The boys and Wendy reach the front of the line where Chef is serving food. He however *is* naked, but is only seen from the chest up by the camera.)
Chef: Hello there children.
The Boys: AAHHHH!!!!
Chef: What?
Kyle: DUDE! IT'S HUGE!
Chef: Oh....Well you see uh......(shrugs, not really able to give an explanation) Thank you children. Yes it is. Now ere's your food....
Cartman (getting over the shock): AY wait a minute! I thought no one could be naked anymore!
Chef: No no Eric. The parents just decided none of you kids could. The grown ups can do whatever the hell we want.
Cartman: God dammit what the hell's the big deal about being naked?!
Stan: There is no big deal. That's the point, right Wendy?
(Wendy stands there still in shock, her jaw dropped open and her eyes opened widely.)
Stan: Wendy?
Wendy (in awe, to Chef): How do you put on pants?
Stan: Um...well anyway, I say if the grown ups are still allowed to be naked that we should be too.
Class: Yeah!
Cartman: No!
Stan: Let's go petition the government.
Class: Yeah!
Cartman: No! No government is going to pass a naked in schools law! You know why? Because then other naked groups around here would just complain about not being allowed naked in other places. You'd have to get the government to agree to an entire naked in state law. Are you actually telling me they're going to agree to let anyone in the state of Colorado be naked anywhere they want? (laughs) What are you hippies gonna do? March naked on the White House and demand nude laws? (laughs again) I'd like to see that!
(Cartman laughs even harder. Cut to a turned on television set.)
Reporter: And they've done it. After a naked march on the White House earlier today President Bush has agreed to the proposed nude law for the state of Colorado. Here with a live report is a Midget in a cheetah thong.
Midget: Thanks Tom. The recently approved bill suggesting naked laws for the state of Colorado was submitted to congress by the leader of the group march that took place earlier today, Wendy Testaburger. Wendy what exactly is your naked radicals group called?
Wendy: We are Naked Individuals Pissed at People who won't Let us be Exposed.
Midget: There you have it Tom. And I wish you young Wendy and the rest of NIPPLE best of luck in your future, unclothed endeavors.
(The TV set is turned off. Cut to Cartmans couch. He sits there with the remote in his hand looking shocked. Stan and Kyle are also there, naked all the way down to their lack of hats. They're eating from very full bowls of popcorn which of course cover them up in just the right places.)
Kyle: Wow. Wendy actually did it fat ass.
Stan: Yeah what are you gonna do now?
Cartman: I.....I suppose there's not much I can do.....Now that everyone's gonna be naked in school I'll just have to quit and get a job.
Kyle: Your lazy ass can't get a job.
Cartman: I can too! I can be a computer geek and sell things on the Internet or....Or a paper boy. I have a fourth grade education. That's enough to get by in the world.
Stan: Whatever. Me and Kyle have to report back to the home base and tell them we won. See ya fatty.
(As Stan and Kyle prepare to stand, we cut to a close up of Cartmans face.)
Cartman (VO): Yes.....A paper boy....That'll do quite nicely.
(As the door is heard shutting behind Stan and Kyle, we cut back to a wide shot of the living room. Liane walks on screen.)
Cartman: Mommm? Can you deliver newspapers for me?
Liane: I'm afraid not sweetie. Mommy has a lot of important....
Cartman: But mommmmmm I need you to deliver newspapers so I can get a job away from all the hippy nudists and support myself financiallyyyyyyyy.
Liane: Oh.....Alright then.
Cartman: Killer.
(Cut to the Ext. of the White House where a naked group of people march across the field, covered by some hedges. Night. Cut inside the Oval Office where George Bush is trying unsuccessfully to create a paper airplane. Into the Oval Office marches the naked group. They're in a straight line with the man at the front covered by one of the large extended leafs of a potted plant.)
Naked Guy 1: Mister President?
George Bush: Dah! (quickly hides the paper plane) What do you guys want? I'm doing important presidentially stuff here.
Naked Guy 2: Mister President we are outraged that you would allow only one state to have nudism laws. The nudist groups in California want their fair share too.
Naked Guy 1: Yes, as do the nudist groups in all the other states of America.
Naked Guy 3: We want naked laws to be worldwide!
(The other members of the group shout their agreement.)
George Bush: Worldwide naked laws huh?......Well hell yeah that sounds like a fun ol' party to me.
(The nudists cheer with approval. Cut to Cartmans house. Night. Cut inside to the living room where Cartman is still watching TV. A door is heard opening and closing. Liane walks on screen wearing a bikini and some rather large boots.)
Cartman: Jeez mom it took you long enough to deliver the papers.
Liane: (blinks)....Oh right....Papers.....
Cartman: How much did you make? Gimme!
(Cartman grabs her purse and begins digging through it.)
Liane: Poopykins? That money isn't all exactly.....
Cartman: WOW! You made six hundred dollars in one night selling papers mom? Wow you must be a great sales lady huh?
Liane: Um......Yes dear....
Cartman: This is sweet. I knew I could get along fine on the inside.
Liane: Uh huh. Well it looks like mommy has to go back out now Eric.
Cartman: Okay.
(A sad Liane makes her way back off screen to "sell papers".)
Cartman: Kick ass. With mom's selling abilities it's only a matter of time before I have enough to move out of this town and away from hippies. (yawns) Yeah that'll be the day....Away from hippies....
(Cartman falls asleep. Cut to a dream sequence. It's a beautiful summers day and a smiling Cartman is skipping down a road covered in flowers. Being Cartman he kicks them all away to reveal a road paved with candy.)
Cartman: Sweet!
(He begins scooping up as many candies as he can and cramming them all in his mouth. A guy with long hair and a tie dyed shirt walks on screen.)
Guy: Hey man! Don't cast aside the flowers like that. They're part of our wonderful envirement and the envirement is...
Cartman: Shut up God dammit!
(From out of nowhere Cartman pulls out a bat which he uses to start beating up the guy as the dream sequence ends. A smiling Cartman awakes on the couch.)
TV Reporter: Breaking news tonight as President Bush has now agreed to nudism laws for *all* states.
Cartman: What?!?
TV Reporter: Yes it appears U.S. citizens are now allowed the option to freely walk naked into the streets, restaurants, swimming pools, and of course, church. The law has only been in effect two hours but already citizens are embracing this new form of freedom as you'll see from the footage we have here.
(Cut to outer space and the moon. A naked man walks on screen, wearing only the helmet he needs to breath. The hose that allows oxygen to flow into the helmet covers his parts of course.)
Man: This is one small step for man. One giant leap for naked man.
(Cartman quickly shuts off his TV, gets off the couch, and stands there a moment in shock.)
Cartman: No.....No this can't be.....(drops to his knees)......NOOOO!!!!!!!!