Henchman Story(Need to come up with good title)
-For English class I was taking I wrote an essay on the plight of
the henchmen in the entertainment industry. It inspired me to
write a story revolving around a henchmen, from his point of
view. And of course he is going to get laid. Let me know what you
think of the idea.-
Miles Martin (martin369@gmail.com)
I work for a man bent on world domination. (I know, I know, how
cliché). I pull heists for him to help raise money for his evil
schemes. I guard his underground secret base when he needs it.
And kidnap those that need to be kidnapped. Whatever he needs to
have done, I am his man, at least as long as his money is still
good.
Now, dear reader you are probably saying to yourself "Ah, what
an awful awful man!" And you would probably be correct. But I do
not give a shit. I do not consider myself an evil man. A greedy
and amoral man, but not evil.
I am a henchman, and I am good at what I do. But I am also
surrounded by some of the dumbest and most incompetent people in
the whole fucking world. If you wonder why the world has never
been taken over, destroyed, or what-have-you by anyone yet, I can
give you the answer. It is because almost everyone involved on
both sides (secret agents and criminals) are the dumbest mother
fuckers you can imagine.
You might think I am exaggerating. But I am not. If you have
ever seen any spy movie, you know exactly what I am talking
about. The secret agents are horn dogs that are so fucking full
of themselves, and yet they bumble around, and fall into every
obvious trap imaginable. Most henchmen cannot think for
themselves, or shoot for shit; somehow they are not able to hold
their own against one man, even when they out number him more
than ten to one. Now the boss, who is supposed to be this great
master mind but also god damn full of themselves, decides to
reveal his evil cunning plan to the agent. Not only that but he
does not kill him right then and there. No there must be an
elaborate and climatic death trap. Of course all secret agents,
by their very nature, are irresistible to female henchmen. (These
women are so fucking sex crazed, but never with any of us other
henchmen!) And so the secret agent will use his sexual powers to
get out of the trap, or just rely on pure luck and stupid ass
gadgets to escape. Now on the other hand female secret agents are
just plain stupid and incompetent. They ALWAYS get caught and
need the male agents to rescue their asses. To make a long story
short everyone in this business thinks they are top shit, and yet
they are incompetent and stupid.
Now you, dear reader, might be saying to yourself, "If everyone
you work with is so stupid and incompetent then why do you do
it?" Now that would be an easy one, MONEY. Do you know how much
these rich power hungry evil masterminds pay? A shitload. And it
is pretty easy work as a whole, so easy that these morons can do
it. I have a certain set of skills, and I look for the most
profitable place to utilize these skills.
You, my oh so very dear reader, might also be asking yourself,
"You sure sound like you are full of yourself there too,
hypocrite." But you would be wrong. I am not full of myself. I am
confident, yes, but I know my limits and think through everything
I do. I try to use a little fucking common sense here or there at
least! Sometimes I think I am the only one in the business that
does. If you do not believe me then here is the story of how I
lost my previous employer.
*****************************************************************
It all started one day when I was on break, walking to my
quarters in my boss's top secret lair. (I could tell you where it
is, but then I would have to kill you. Actually it is located
underground below his "legitimate" business headquarters. Not all
that original or secret for the location of a "top secret" base
of operations. But it is pretty practical. I have heard through
the hunching grapevine that all the super-villains, mad
scientists, and covert terrorists that built their lairs in the
polar ice caps are up shit creek now because of global warming.
All the ice is melting around them, and the government agencies
are having a field day with finding these no longer hidden huge
structures, not to mention those that have ended up falling into
the water. And do not even get me started on moon spaces or space
stations; those are the dumbest ideas of all time.) At the time I
was working for a multi-billionaire named Archibald Platinio who,
you guessed it, had this strange obsession with platinum. I had
just spent the last 6 hours excitingly sitting at a computer
console waiting for Mr. Platinio to give the sign for me to push
some buttons and turn some dials. They probably served some
purpose or another for his diabolical machine that will do
something or another to either make money or destroy something or
threaten to destroy something to get ransom. I really stopped
listening to the rantings and ravings of my bosses about their
new inventions. All I knew was this shit was the boringest thing
in the world, but such is the life of a henchman.
Anyway, I was on my way to my quarters when I saw this
beautiful woman crouching in the corridor ahead of me. Now I
pride myself on staring and ogling every attractive woman that I
work with, all henchmen do since most of the time we have nothing
better to do. But I did not recognize this woman. The very fact
that she was "trying" not to be noticed also tipped me off. Well
truth be told there was never any doubt in my mind. The second I
saw her I knew she was a female agent trying to sneak in. They
might not all look the same, but once you seen one you have seen
them all really.
She had not noticed me yet, so I used this to my advantage. All I
had to do was walk right up behind her, not even fucking sneak.
As I said, everyone is incompetent, so she never realized I was
there until I grabbed her at a precise nerve point, allowing her
enough time to turn around surprised and see my smiling face as
she blacked out.
Now that I had time to look her over, she was a real
looker of course. I do not think that any spy agency hires ugly
women. She really filled out her black spy suit nicely. Nice big
breasts, probably somewhere between a C and D and a gloriously
large and firm ass. Her hair was long and blonde, which she of
course had back in a ponytail. For some reason these agents think
that ponytails are the best style for sneaking around. You would
think that some sort of bun would make more sense, but then again
no one ever said these women operate on logic.
I searched her, finding all her super secret spy gadgets.
I knew the routine, so I took everything but the clothes off her
back, and even then I took all the buttons off her clothes. There
was no way I would let her get away miraculously because I left
her fully equipped. Once I was convinced she was escape proof, I
picked her up and carried her back to the good old boss.
Now about Archibald Platinio, the best way I could describe him
is: BAT-SHIT INSANE! But this is typical of those who want to
rule the world or destroy it. For these are not things that
normal people want or desire. But I digress. The man has some
peculiar habits. As I previously mentioned, he is obsessed with
platinum, collecting anything and everything that is made with
platinum. But it does not stop there. He loves to create new and
innovative machines. These machines can do any number of things.
And since he really has no scruples or morals, he likes to test
these machines out on human subjects. We henchmen do not want to
be his guinea pigs, so we hand over any intruders we find too
close to the base. This would be the destiny for the young agent
I had just found.
Coming into my boss' office with the young woman over my
shoulder, no one gave me a second glance. This was pretty
routine. Platinio did not even bother to look up when I walked
in. I stood there a few minutes as he was looking over a
schematic for one of his inventions. I finally coughed to get his
attention. He nearly jumped out of his skin. I guess he had not
known I was there. When he finally calmed down, and I could
control my urge to laugh in his face, I told him, "I found this
girl sneaking around the base." With that I placed the still
unconscious spy babe down on his desk.
A crazed smile spread over his face as he whispered,
"Excellent. My latest invention has just been completed. She will
be the perfect subject for my new sex slave machine." And with
that he got up and walked out the door.
"Sex slave machine." I thought to myself as I watched him head
towards his lab. I had never seen the crazy old bastard have a
sexual thought the entire time I have known him. Now he has a sex
slave machine. Who would have thunk it. Deciding it was not my
place to judge the man; I picked the girl back up and followed
him into the lab.
Platinio was standing next to a gigantic machine with a
chair in front of it. I took a great logical leap, and placed the
agent in the chair. There were straps on the arms and legs of the
chair, so again I took it on faith that I needed to strap her
into the chair. Once this was done I stepped back just in time to
see the old bat flip a switch. The mother fucker had almost done
it while I was still standing there. He would not have cared in
the least if he had. But these thoughts were soon left far behind
as a light blue beam of light engulfed our victim sitting in the
chair. Her eyes were now wide open and were focused right on me.
And when I say focused, I mean with fucking pristine precision.
It seemed like she was taking in every detail of my very being.
Her eyes followed me, caught every move I made. I could see that
she was straining against her restraints, not trying to escape
but to be near me.
I was relieved when Platinio finally turned the machine off. But
the girl's eyes were still locked onto me, even as I walked over
to unstrap her from the chair. As I undid the buckles holding her
down, she rubbed her face into my arm like a cat wanting to be
petted. As I finished the last strap I looked down into her eyes
and she said "thank you master."
At this moment Platinio walked up and ordered "girl, look
at me." But the girl ignored him. So he once more ordered, "slave
I said look at me! Your master commands it!" But she was still
staring right at me.
Operating on an assumption I told the agent, "Look at
him." And of course she turned her head right away, looking right
at my boss.
"Astounding! So my device was a success. It just made her
the slave of whoever she was looking at while the device was on!"
And with that the mad scientist walked out of his lab.
Now I was stuck alone with a woman who obviously thought
I was her master. This might sound like the dream come true for
your average red blooded man, and it definitely would normally
have been for me too. But I was not sure what my boss wanted to
do with the now ex secret agent. I looked back down on her and
could tell she was exhausted. There was no way she would be able
to walk anywhere. So I scooped her up in my arms, she snuggled in
closer to me, resting her head on my chest while still staring
into my face. I had no idea what to do with her. I could just
kill her; I have no real qualms with killing someone in cold
blood. But I am no psychopath who kills at the drop of a hat. And
I was not sure that was what the boss wanted. I decided that
until I had further orders I would take her back to my room and
take care of her. "I guess I just found myself a new pet." I
said, smiling down at her.
She giggled, in the cutest little girl voice, and
snuggled into my chest even further. As I walked towards my room,
I felt her breathing slow and even out. She was fast asleep long
before we were in front of my door. Now I had a bit of a problem.
My arms were full of a sleeping woman and all I could do was just
stare at the doorknob. While she was not very heavy, she was also
not small enough to make this very convenient. So I was forced to
juggle her in my arms as I tried to work the fucking knob.
Eventually I stumbled inside and worked my way to my bed.
This ex-agent was already becoming a hassle for me. But I
carefully placed her down on my bed. As I pulled the covers over
her, I noticed her eyes her slightly open. She smiled at me
sleepily whispering "Thank you Master." And drifted off back to
sleep. She was so damned adorable I could not stay mad.
As I head back to work I cannot seem to get my mind off
of her. What was I going to do with her? She obviously thought I
was her master, but how far did that go? Could I make her do
anything I want? Does she have a will of her own anymore? Does
she live to please me? Could I withstand the temptation of not
using her to the full advantage? Does it even matter if I do? And
then there was Platinio. If I did not bring it up to him, he
would quickly and completely forget about the whole thing. Shit
he probably had. If I did bring it up to him, he would just have
the girl killed. So it was can of merciful me keeping her as my
pet or something. I am not sure she would think the same way, but
her mind was probably too fucked up now to know that. I am lucky
that my job mainly consists of standing around doing absolutely
nothing, or maybe I was unlucky because it gave me far too much
time to think about all of this. By the time my shift was over I
had not really gotten anywhere with all my thoughts. So I headed
back to my room not knowing what to expect.