"The 3 Rs of Sexual Fulfillment"

By Joan

I have found that there are three primary avenues to adult sexual
gratification... Reproductive Sex, Romantic Sex, and Recreational
Sex.  Sadly, just a small percentage of adults allow themselves
to explore all three avenues of potential personal pleasure.

Some religious groups insist that sex should be limited to
male/female intercourse that is geared to produce offspring...
Reproductive Sex.  These days, most adults have risen above such
narrow thinking, and allow themselves to go beyond Reproductive
Sex and enjoy a variety of sexual pleasures within the context of
Romantic Sex.

It is the third avenue of sexual fulfillment that is missed by
too many adults.  While most single adults would prefer avoiding
Reproductive Sex, many still experience `one-night stands,' etc.
within the framework of modified Romantic Sex, not quite willing
to acknowledge that they are being motivated by the RECREATIONAL
aspects of sexual pleasure.  

Fortunately, a growing number of emotionally mature adults...
both singles and couples... have come to enjoy the liberating
pleasures of Recreational Sex.


RECREATIONAL SEX

Recreational Sex, by definition, is sexual activity for the
purpose of recreation (fun)... period!  It is not intended to
produce offspring, and it is not intended to demonstrate love, or
to be romantic.  Within this category are all forms of sexual
expression which are intended to produce MORE and VARIED sexual
fulfillment for the parties involved.

In its broadest forms, Recreational Sex can include everything
from masturbation to bestiality... from mate-swapping to same-sex
experiences... from enjoyment of erotic art and literature to
open exploration of fantasy-fulfillment... from experiencing anal
and oral sex to experiencing exhibitionism and voyeurism.

Most people (couples and singles) who decide to open themselves
to enhanced sexual fulfillment do not start by experimentation
with the more extreme forms of recreational sex.  Rather, they
start (and often stay) with extra partner sexual fun.  That is
what this treatise will focus on.


EXTRA PARTNERS

Single adults who wish to scratch their sexual itch will often
have `one-night stands' with a variety of sexual partners.  They
call this `dating.'  In today's society, even the sexual side of
`dating' is reasonably acceptable behavior.  Married adults (or
adults in other forms of `committed relationships') are generally
frowned upon if society learns that they allow themselves to
experience `extra partners.'  For this reason, such couples must
exercise a certain level of discretion... if they really want to
explore Recreational Sex while retaining general social
approval.

I happen to be an enthusiastic proponent of Recreational Sex for
couples.  I genuinely believe such SHARED erotic fun enhances
existing committed relationships.  I have never believed that
`committed' and `monogamous' are the same thing.  Monogamy is a
religious concept that unreasonably binds adults, and stands in
the way of exploration of one's real sexual potential.

We would never insist that a spouse commit to NEVER enjoy meals
with anyone other than one's spouse... or to only experience the
food prepared in a single kitchen.  We would never insist that a
spouse commit to NEVER enjoy sports or the arts with anyone other
than one's spouse.  Then, why do we insist that members of a
couple forever restrain themselves from experiencing sexual
pleasure with anyone other than one's spouse?

Naturally there is the issue of HONESTY between spouses in a
committed relationship.  When one spouse dishonestly has an
affair or experiences sexual variety and hides it from his/her
spouse, it can be destructive to the relationship.  However, in
the judgmental environment of most adult relationships, a spouse
who acts out his/her need for sexual variety DOES NOT DARE to
expose his/her fantasies/desires to his/her partner.  Usually, to
do so would spell disaster for the relationship.  This is why I
recommend that spouses start as early as possible in
acknowledging each other's potential need for sexual variety...
and discuss it openly together.

Within an open environment between spouses, Recreational Sex need
not ever put a committed relationship at risk.  He may be granted
the opportunity to experience the feel of another female body...
or intercourse with another female pussy... or sexual activities
that he doesn't usually experience with his spouse; but that
should not diminish his love for his primary partner.  She may be
granted the opportunity to experience the multiplied pleasures of
two simultaneous males pleasuring her body... or the unique
tenderness of female-to-female sensuality... or an occasional new
tongue or cock within her pussy; but that should not diminish her
love for her primary partner.
 

COMMUNICATION

If there is any hope for the partners in a committed relationship
to experience the potential pleasures and fulfillment of sexual
variety... there must first be open communication between the
spouses.  There must be a willingness by both (each) party to
allow the other to explore Recreational Sex when the opportunity
arises.  Tendencies toward jealousy MUST be intentionally
suppressed.  Both (all) of them must be willing to frankly tell
the other(s) of fantasies, sexual wishes, outside partner
experiences, etc.  And, the other partner(s) MUST be
non-judgmental and supportive as they hear such frank
information.

Within the most open of relationships, there will come times when
one of the partners feels that his/her spouse wishes for too
much... or has experienced things that he/she does not feel
comfortable with.  To keep the relationship open and healthy, we
must candidly express these reservations to the other(s).  And,
we MUST respect the current level of reservations our partner(s)
express.  Sometimes their concern for limitations is for our own
or our mutual good.  But, even if they seem excessively
restrictive, they must be honored for the time being... as
communication continues.

You may have noticed that in some cases above, I imply that a
committed relationship could consist of more than two people. 
That is because the writer is part of a long-term, three-way
committed partnership.  We are not unique.  Unusual maybe... but
not unique.

In our case, we are two adult males and one adult female (me). 
Around the world there are many variations of the
more-than-two-person committed partnerships.  In our case, we
have been together for more than a dozen years, and live as a
relatively conventional family.  The same principles of
communication apply to us too.  They are ESSENTIAL, if our
primary relationship is to remain solid... while each of us
continues to occasionally enjoy the special sexual fulfillment
involved in experiencing extra partners.


GETTING STARTED

Unlike me and my two guys, most committed relationships have
existed for some time (often for years) before some notion of
Recreational Sex becomes a topic of conversation.  Often it is
`thought about' by one or both partners long before the subject
is broached in conversation.

Sometimes shared reading materials, erotic art or videos lead to
conversations about some form of Recreational Sex.  Couples need
to take advantage of such opportunities... and be totally candid
with each other at those times.  HONESTY... remember?

The partner who is LEAST interested in venturing beyond Romantic
or Reproductive Sex should give the MOST ATTENTION to his/her
need to have an open mind.  It may be that this person has a
lower sex drive than the other one... or lower at this particular
point in their life.  It may be that this person has medical
problems which limit his/her capacity to pleasure their partner.
It may be that this person has a lot of `hang-ups' that are
carry-overs from their upbringing or religious background. 
Simply poo-pooing Recreational Sex ideas is no way to assure a
healthy spousal relationship.  Talk about it.  Enable each other
to open up... to openly and honestly verbalize inner thoughts and
wishes.  But, most of all... DO NOT BE JUDGMENTAL!

Sometimes it is a good idea for both (all) partners to read TRUE
stories about what other adult men and women do in their
exploration of Recreational Sex.  To read is not necessarily a
commitment to do!  Then, discuss what you have read.  Use the
Internet to discretely discuss your concerns and questions with
others... while remaining anonymous.

	PS... I (Joan at JJJ3313260@AOL.COM am most happy to field such

	correspondence from couples and or women.

At some point, a loving adult couple should AT LEAST venture into
some shared voyeurism or exhibitionism.  Go together to some
place of adult entertainment.  Both could dress sexily/handsomely
and go out to a bar, dance hall, lounge, etc. somewhere away from
home.  Dance with others.  Enjoy the experience of seeing your
spouse in the arms of another... or of seeing others relish the
sexy appearance of your spouse.

Ladies... let a little flesh show!  Wear a skirt or dress that is
shorter than you normally would wear.  Wear a low-cut blouse or
sweater.  Consider leaving that bra at home.  You may even want
to leave your panties at home... and not tell your spouse until
you are out in public, and his imagination can run wild.

Men... take your spouse to places you haven't taken her before...
a "meat-market" bar, an adult theater, a topless beach, a strip
club.  Let her know you enjoy watching other guys ogle her
lovely, sexy body.  Encourage her to let other guys invite her to
dance.  Give her some space so other guys will step in and
express their admiration of her charms.

Then... both (all) of you can go home and enjoy memories of your
"crazy night out."

Or, openly (but discretely) engage in some sexual fondling where
other adults may observe you.  Whether or not you ever physically
involve others in your sex life, this kind of shared fun can be a
real sexual stimulator for both of you.

When you are out of town, spending a night in a hotel... leave
the window shades open while you make love.  Allow for the
possibility that others MAY be watching (even if they aren't). 
It is a great way to put spirit back into your sexual sharing. 
When you do this, talk `dirty' to each other.  Believe me... IT'S
FUN!

Invite a masseur to your hotel room to give her a nude massage
while he watches and/or participates... or a masseuse for a nude
massage of him while she watches and/or participates.  It doesn't
have to end up having that extra person actually having sex with
either of you... but it could.  Either way, it can be a great
turn-on to both (all) of you.

Check out the ads in the `Personals' section of your local
newspaper to learn about local swingers' dances.  Get dressed up
sexy, and go to one.  Going doesn't mean you intend to actually
"swap" with anyone.  Just enjoy the evening... watching the open
sexuality of other adults who (you know) will probably end up
spending time later that night in bed with someone other than
their spouse.  Just watching can be a real turn-on.  Then again,
you might just meet folks you want to get to know better.

Even if you don't want to `swing,' you might meet folks who are
active `swingers,' and decide to spend some time with them at a
lounge or restaurant... just getting to know them and asking
about their lifestyle.  This is still not a commitment to do
anything in the swinging scene.  You may end up just using the
experience as fodder for a wilder sex life between the two of
you.

Even if you end up going to an `on-premise' swing club, adult
motel or similar adult facility... it doesn't mean either, both
or all of you have to get involved in the sexual activity with
others.  All such facilities have a "NO means NO" policy to
protect folks from over-aggressive swingers.  I have met numerous
couples who go to such places just for the visual and erotic
stimulation, and then end up screwing each other, only each
other... either at the facility or later back at home.


TREATING YOUR SPOUSE TO THE GIFT ON AN EXTRA PARTNER

A couple which enjoys genuinely open communication on sexual
matters may eventually agree that `under the right circumstances,
and with the right person,' one or both of the parties `might' be
willing to `try' sex with another person outside the committed
relationship.  If the person expressing the `maybe' is the person
who has been least interested in experiencing another person,
that is the person who should experience an extra partnerfirst.

When that happens, the other party should consider CREATING a
`right circumstance' with a reasonably `right' extra person... as
a gift to the other spouse.  Often this will involve observing
what and who turns that other party on.  Is it a friend, a
non-friend who is a person of a different race, or a younger or
older person.  Is he/she most turned-on to others while away from
your hometown... at a dance... at the beach?  Is it at home in
front of the fireplace when a guest is visiting?

Once the right setting is determined, and a reasonably right
extra person is present, the next thing you need to do is to make
sure that clothing is minimized.  That is why strip poker is so
popular.  But, there are numerous other games (such as Truth or
Dare, etc.) and excuses for causing clothes to be shed.

At the beach, clothing is already minimized.  To enable a
massage, it is reasonable for clothing to be minimized or
removed.  Shared hot tub experiences often involve nudity or
near-nudity.

Take the lead in providing your spouse with intimate touches,
kisses, or strokes.  Encourage your guest to follow your lead. 
Then let things progress as everyone's `comfort level' is
observed.  Somewhere along the way, let the extra him or her know
that you welcome sharing your spouse's intimacy with them.  Give
them a reason to feel comfortable as things develop.  Assure your
spouse that you welcome watching him/her enjoy the attentions of
your guest.  As your spouse begins to relax with the situation,
whisper into his/her ear that "tonight is a special gift for you
to enjoy."


REINFORCE HIS/HER ENJOYMENT

Once things are underway, it is critically important that you
repeatedly verbalize and demonstrate your approval.  Cuddle or
kiss your spouse as the guest is providing more intimate
stimulation.  Whisper words of love or encouragement to your
spouse as he/she is getting turned-on by whatever the guest is
doing to him/her.

If the encounter moves to intercourse with the guest; participate
by holding, kissing and/or cuddling your spouse during and after
the intimacy.  Above all, make sure your spouse experiences
orgasmic pleasure... even if you have to step in to complete what
has been started.  If it has been good for both of them,
encourage all to cuddle and hug and rest together.  If it has
been less than good for  your spouse, nudge the guest aside and
make sure it is good for him/her.

Let there be a period of time after intimacy has concluded for
the three of you to relax and talk.  Maybe there will be another
`round' of shared pleasure.  Maybe there will be some open
expressions of `how things went' by your guest, your spouse, or
you.  After the guest has left, demonstrate your passion for your
spouse with lots of kisses, caressing, cuddling and intimacy.

If things went well, be sure that both you and your spouse have
contact with the guest soon after the night of shared pleasure. 
Plan toward a second time for the three of you together.  Don't
let it be a one-nighter... and don't push for your own extra
partner at this point.

If things did not go well (and sometimes they don't), thank the
guest, and plan on a (strictly-social) contact with that person
in the near future just to give them a chance to review their
thoughts away from the situation.  AND, give your spouse extra
loving and emotional support.  Don't let a less-than-successful
one-time event be allowed to set the expectation level of either
you or your spouse.  Plan to try it again soon (with someone
else), while the best parts of a less-than-successful encounter
are still prominent in each of your minds.

Assuming it was a pleasurable experience for both you and your
spouse, re-live it over and over again during your shared
one-on-one lovemaking.  Plan a second and third "gift" for
him/her, before ever pushing for an extra partner for yourself. 
Sometimes this last piece of advice is not necessary, but if
there is a disparity in desire for variety (between spouses), it
is wise to give the more hesitant spouse a few really good `extra
partner experiences' before suggesting that turn about is fair
play.

Finally, don't give your spouse the idea that overnight you want
to change your entire lifestyle... that you want an extra person
in your sex life every night.  Make a pact that extra partner sex
is the spice you can both add to your everyday shared sex life. 
Re-live the experiences as you cuddle at night... and agree to
explore such new adventures on an occasional basis (depending
upon the couple, that may end up quarterly, monthly or weekly). 
But, once you and your spouse have invited an extra person into
your sex life once, don't let it stop there.  Invite that person
back, or (better yet) invite a new person next time.


SHARED RECREATIONAL SEX CAN RE-NEW RELATIONSHIPS

One couple often wrote to me (beginning before they made the
intentional decision to try Recreational Sex together).  After
their first few experiences, he wrote: "Our life together has
never been better. There is so much we do together, sexually and
emotionally, that it's like we are newlyweds agian, as if we are
sharing a second life together."

He went on, "I have enjoyed another woman, my first 'other
woman.'  It was thrilling and exciting, and gave me a window into
(my wife's) desires."  Later he treated his wife to an extra
guy.

But, before that, they had an experience with another couple. 
After that experience the two of them had a fantastic night of
sex together, reliving their new sexual adventure.  Her note the
next day, "WHAT A NIGHT!!!  We had the best night of our
marriage.  It was more exciting than our first time, and more
magical than any fantasy!!!"

She also went on to say, "Why I waited so long I'll never
understand. Things are going along so splendidly. Our love-making
is better than ever. My husband has been so tender and loving
with me. Sometimes I yearn for it to be a little rough, but I'm
not complaining. I intend to tell him that I want it different
from time to time (our new openness), but for now, I just want
him to love me any way he wants.

"I told him that last night was wonderful (the night of our first
MFM threesome). I had never been more pleasured. But, that it
wasn't the other guy I was thinking about. I only saw him as an
extension of my husband.

"Everything that happened was centered around me. But, for me,
all the sex, all the fucking, was my dear husband pleasuring me.
I don't know if that makes sense. It does somehow to me. I want
to be able to explain it better to my loving mate.

"You know, Joan, we have new feelings to explore, to cultivate
and to allow to grow. It's almost like meeting and courting anew.
Can't really explain it. I've heard of people who have found
higher levels to their relationships, but this is like he has met
a new person, a new me, and he doesn't even know the heights we
can go to together, nor do I yet."



  
!!3Rs