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A Rose By Any Other Name - Chapter Ten By Jeremy Spencer
   Thankfully the rest of the summer was quite a bit less embarrassing than
the afternoon I walked in on Chris and Natalie.  After undoubtedly having a
talk about being caught, Natalie and Chris kept their dalliances to
themselves, sticking mainly to Natalie's room, although I did almost walk
in on the two of them in the downstairs TV room once or twice.
   Judging from the sounds coming up the stairs, they were either heavily
involved with each other, or had decided to watch a bit of porn.  Either
way, I found the thought once again massively stimulating and found myself,
again, on my bed, prick in hand.
   But as arousing as their moans and squeals of pleasure were, I didn't
fantasize about the two of them exclusively, much to my relief.  They were
but a pleasant, if awkward, fantasy and I knew just a diversion to my real
issue.
   Most of the time I thought about Heather, and not just when I was horny.
I missed how we used to lie in bed together and just talk.  I missed how we
had grown used to each other's presence from living together.  I missed how
we would make breakfast together, not speaking any words as we prepared to
eat, but dancing around each other in the kitchen as if the entire process
was choreographed.
   I missed her.
   They say time heals all wounds, and I certainly hoped they were right in
my case.  I realized then that Dr.  Bergerud and my sister, damn them both,
had been correct.  I didn't want to give Heather a free pass on her
activities, because I still felt the pain of walking in on her, but I
wanted to give her a chance to explain herself, to really talk it out.  I
wanted to hear what she had to say without screaming and lashing out at
her.
   I wanted to give her another chance, and hoped that she would give me
one too.
   *****
   Two weeks later, and it was now the end of summer.  I had still not
called Heather although I wanted to.  In fact, I almost had on numerous
occasions, but each time I picked up the receiver, the thought of making
some foolish mistake made a quick end to my plans.  It wasn't as if I
wouldn't see her immediately on my return, since she was in my apartment,
and I steeled myself for what could be another ugly confrontation.
   "You're coming to visit, right?" I asked as I hugged my sister one last
time before I headed out.  "I'd really like to see more of you this year."
   "Sure," Natalie chirped happily.  "But maybe not as much as you've
already seen," she blushed.  "Just, Let me know when a good time is for
you."
   "I'll do that," I laughed, giving her a quick hug as I turned to wave at
my parents.
   "I'm going to miss you," Natalie said as she squeezed me once more.
   "It's only going to be a couple months," I said.
   "Okay," she groused.  "Promise?"
   "Promise," I said, nodding for emphasis.
   I turned to my car, preparing to climb in when Natalie tugged at my
shirt sleeve.
   "Daniel?" she said quietly.
   "Yeah?"
   "Thank you," she said.
   "For what?" I asked.  In truth, she had been there for me more than I
ever had for her.
   "For keeping a secret...  when I needed you to," she answered, "And for
supporting me, when it was finally time to not keep any secrets." She
blushed as she said it, looking down nervously.
   "You're welcome," I answered.  "Hey, what are brothers for?" I asked. 
She grinned once and leaned up to kiss me on the cheek.  With that Natalie
turned and headed back to the house.
   I waved once more, climbed into my car, hoping it would once again make
the trip from Illinois to Nebraska, and headed down the street.
   *****
   Summer, mercifully, had ended, and it was time for me to return to
school, and begin thinking about classes, and new assignments from Dr. 
Bergerud.
   I was once again going to be his teaching assistant, although there had
been some very unsubtle hints in one of our phone conversations that I
would be taking on more of the load in his lectures.  It appeared as though
he had been serious about me possibly taking over for him, or at least
taking on some of his schedule, when he retired, or moved on to wherever he
was going.
   I wasn't particularly sure how I felt about this development, and hoped
I wasn't pushed for an answer too early in the school year.  I knew things
were going to be hectic and more than likely a bit out of control when I
returned to Omaha.  Adjusting to school and teaching was going to be hard
enough.  Add in an expanded set of responsibilities on top of my already
existing duties was going to put pressure on me I hadn't felt for years. 
But I knew that it would be a good chance to see if teaching was really
what I wanted to do, and I welcomed the stress.
   Those problems were going to be easy, in reality, and if I could have
gone straight to campus and begun working, I would have jumped at the
chance.  No, the real problem was going to be when I arrived back to my
apartment and opened the front door.  I knew Heather was going to be there,
and the two of us were going to finally have our talk, for good or bad. 
Truth be told, I was actually looking forward to talking with her.  I hoped
it didn't end as badly as our last attempted conversation.
   No, the problem wasn't that we were going to get into an argument.  We
had argued before and had always been fine, except for the last one.  And I
was over that, or at least hoped I was able to put away my hurt and really
listen to her as we talked.  The problem was that I knew that at the end of
this discussion, there was a chance that Heather would go her way while I
went mine.
   And I knew that if that happened I was going to miss Heather worse than
I had after Europe, because I had realized during our summer apart that,
far from being ready to see her out of my life, I still loved her.
   I just hoped I could convince her it was the truth.
   *****
   Happily, my trusty car had enough in it for at least one more drive to
school, and around six o'clock that night I pulled into the parking lot
behind my apartment building.  I grabbed one suitcase, but left the rest in
the car, planning on dealing with it the next morning at the earliest.  I
was tired, but not so exhausted I wasn't looking forward to at least seeing
Heather.
   To my surprise, as I approached my building I noticed the lights were
off and the curtains drawn in my apartment.  I wondered if Heather had gone
out, but when I unlocked the door, the truth of the matter was plainly
evident.
   She was gone.
   "Shit," I mumbled as I looked at the living room.  Heather hadn't left
in a hurry, and none of my belongings appeared ruined or out of place, but
everything that Heather owned was clearly missing.
   A part of me was relieved...  relieved that our confrontation wouldn't
come right away, but scared.  Scared she had not only left, but left for
good.  Scared that in the month and a half I'd been too afraid to call her,
she had moved on with her life and found some other guy.  Terrified that
I'd never see her again.
   A piece of paper caught my eye, and my hopes were raised when I thought
she may have left me a note.  And indeed she had, but not the kind I'd
hoped for.
   "Dan," it said in Heather's loopy scrawl.  "The plumber's coming on
Saturday."
   That was it.  There were no apologies, no mention of anything that had
gone on.
   I balled up the note and threw it in the garbage, far more tired now
than when I'd been driving.
   Locking the door and turning off the lights, I staggered to my bedroom
and looked at the bed, but couldn't sleep there.  That was the bed Heather
and I used to sleep in.
   Grabbing a blanked and a pillow I went back to the living room.  I
turned the radio to a classical station, hoping for something soothing, and
made my little bed on the couch.
   Sleep was a long time in coming.
   *****
   The week before school started up was as hectic as any I'd known since I
started college.  Dr.  Bergerud was serious in his plans, and I found
myself inundated with class schedules, lesson plans, lecture notes and more
student visits than I'd ever hoped to see.  It was a bit overwhelming and
not for the first time I started questioning my desire to teach.
   "It's worth it," he said one afternoon when I told him how exhausted I
was.
   "Really?" I asked.
   "Absolutely."
   My own classes, the ones I would be taking, were shaping up to be busy
as well, but with a little boost of confidence from Dr.  Bergerud, I felt I
could perform well.
   Sadly, Estelle, Dr.  B's longtime secretary, had indeed retired at the
end of the previous school year, which left an enormous hole in our
beginning of semester planning.  Thankfully however, the uptight battle-axe
the school had brought in last year as her temporary replacement was
nowhere in sight, but that didn't make things any easier for the two of us.
   Estelle had been a fixture at the college for many years, and often Dr.
Bergerud and I found ourselves lost, knowing that if Estelle were only
here, we would have had to but ask the question, and the answer would have
been at her fingertips.  I asked Dr.  Bergerud one afternoon if the school
had settled on a replacement, but for some reason he hedged on his answer.
   "Not real sure," he mumbled.  "It's still kind of up in the air.  Not
real sure yet."
   "Is there a problem?" I asked, my curiosity aroused by his answer.
   I tried to get more out of him, but he refused to say any more.  I
thought the solution had presented itself when Katie, Dr.  B's daughter,
showed up one afternoon and began helping us in the office.
   "Are you the new secretary?" I asked in amazement.  She had done an
excellent job on short notice the year before and as sad as I was about
losing Heather, I had to admit that Katie would be very easy on the eyes if
she were hanging around the music department.
   "Only part-time," she answered.  "I have other stuff going on, but I
think someone else is coming too," she said, but couldn't give me any
names.
   "Why don't we just hire a couple of students to work part-time in the
office?" I asked one day.  "They could certainly file and copy, right?"
   "We might do that," Dr.  Bergerud allowed.  "But we're really looking
for someone to take over permanently.  It's a huge hassle to have so much
flux in an academic setting, and if we can ease that problem just a little
bit, it will be huge.  Especially with me leaving," he continued, looking
pointedly at me.
   "What?" I asked, knowing what was coming next.
   "Daniel, have you thought any more about what I spoke with you about?"
he asked.
   "You mean taking over after you leave?" I asked.  Dr.  Bergerud nodded,
waiting for me to answer.  "I have," I finally said.  "I'd really like the
position.  I love it here.  I like the other faculty.  But...  don't you
think I'm too young?"
   "Not really," he said, shaking his head.  "A little younger, perhaps,
than I was when I started, but you also have much more experience."
   I must have made some sign of displeasure at his words, as all the
experiences he had relayed to me came flooding back.  Dr.  Bergerud
grimaced at my expression, standing back to look at me intently.
   He had told me during the plane ride back from Sweden the story of his
life.  How he had grown up in a very reserved fashion, had a steady
girlfriend, but just found something was lacking.  How he had one day found
his way into an adult bookstore and found himself surrounded by pictures
and paraphernalia he had only imagined before.
   "It changed my life," he had said on the plane.  "For both good and
bad."
   His habits had eventually led to Dr.  Bergerud being fired from his
position teaching middle school music.  But he had been fortunate enough to
almost immediately find a position with the college, the position he
currently held and was considering giving up.
   I also remembered Dr.  Bergerud telling of the temptations that went
along with his position of power over so many students.  How it wasn't
uncommon for students to offer bribes, both monetarily and sexually, for
better grades.  And I remembered how he had admitted to accepting those
bribes, even reveling in them, with a few students.
   In fact, to my surprise I had found out that Stacey had been one of his
students, one of the last he had ever had a "relationship" with.  How he
had considered the possibilities of marriage for the first time.  It might
have worked, and the fact that their ages weren't that far apart didn't
make things impossible, although it would have meant moving on.  It would
have been worth it, he had said, based on how much in love he had been. 
But then she had disappeared immediately after graduating.
   Eighteen years had gone by and Dr.  Bergerud had been alone, until one
day, not much more than a year ago, as it turned out, his passions had been
re-ignited by another student.  A freshman he'd never met before came into
his office.  Her grades were not what they should be, and offered herself
to him.  For some reason he couldn't place, the girl seemed familiar, and
it was only after accepting her advances that the girl told him the truth.
   Her mother was Stacey Roberts, his student from so long ago, and that
Katie his student was in reality Katie his daughter.  This had all gone on
the previous school year, although I had been oblivious to much of it.  It
had indeed surprised me when Dr.  Bergerud started showing up to events
with his wife and daughter, two women I'd never met before this year, but
his story explained a lot.
   "Do you think I'm disgusting?" he asked suddenly, and I was jerked out
of my thoughts and into the conversation at hand.
   "What?  No.  Why?"
   "You know what I've done.  Who I've done it with," he said.  "What I did
to my wife...  my students...  my daughter."
   "I'm not really one to judge what you do in private," I said.  "And you
said you didn't know until after that Katie was your daughter, right?" I
asked, already knowing that was the case.  He had told me it was a one-time
thing with Katie, although he and Stacey were very open about what went on
between them, even knowing she might be around.  "I'm surprised you behaved
that way with your students, but...  it has to be tempting," I admitted.
   "It's not you they want," he said sadly, as if regretting some missed
opportunity or some failure.  "It's just the position.  Have these women
wouldn't have given me the time of the day if I wasn't their teacher."
   "They used you," I said, half in jest.
   "And I used them right back," he sighed.  "I guess we both got what we
wanted.  What we deserved."
   "I suppose," I said carefully, not wanting to upset him.  "But why do
you ask?"
   "If I don't upset you...  if I don't disgust you, then what's so
different about Heather?" he asked pointedly.
   "I...  I don't know," I shrugged.
   "What has she done that's so wrong?" he asked quietly.  "I know what she
did, and how it upset you, but...  haven't I done far worse, and you still
talk with me...  still respect me?"
   I nodded.  I knew he was right, and wanted to tell him so.
   "Sure.  But...  I thought Heather and I had something different, and I
just felt so betrayed.  I want to tell her, I really do.  But she left, and
I don't know where to find her." I sighed miserably, sitting back into the
chair in front of Dr.  B's desk, looking at him for some bit of guidance.
   "What would you say to her?" he asked, sitting down in front of me.
   "I don't know for sure.  I'd tell her that I've missed her.  That I want
to sit down and actually talk with her, not scream and throw out
accusations.  I'd tell her that I love her," I said.
   "Why don't you call her?" he asked in confusion.  I had found out that
Heather and Katie had talked, and Katie was aware of where Heather was
staying and had given me her phone number, and Dr.  Bergerud knew this
also.
   "I tried," I said, to his obvious surprise.
   "Really?"
   "For all the good it did!" I spat out.  "I called her right away.  She
picked up the phone, heard who it was, and hung up before I could get
anything out."
   "I'm sorry," Dr.  Bergerud grimaced.
   "Oh, it gets worse," I sighed.  "I called back right away, but again,
the second she heard my voice, she hung up.  I tried a third time, but the
phone just rang.  I think she even unplugged her answering machine, so I
couldn't even leave a message.  I don't know what she wants."
   "Would you tell her you're sorry?" Dr.  Bergerud asked.
   "Yes," I replied immediately.  "Absolutely.  In a heartbeat.  But she
didn't even give me the chance.  I don't know if that's what she wants."
   Dr.  Bergerud sighed.  "Maybe someday you'll get that chance.  Hopefully
sooner than later," he said.
   I hoped so too.
   *****
   Still, it was a complete shock when I went in the following Monday for
the first day of classes.  I had two of my own seminars early in the
morning, and didn't actually get into the music department until just
before lunch.  I checked in Dr.  B's office to see if he wanted to get some
food, but he was nowhere to be found, so I went to check with Katie.
   Only Katie wasn't the secretary today.
   "Hi," Heather said when I entered the office.
   "Heather," I said weakly.  "How...  how are you?"
   "Good," she replied stiffly.  "You?"
   "Good," I answered.  Suddenly all the things I'd planned to tell her got
stuck in my throat and I flailed around, making weak hand gestures in the
air.  "I...  I was looking for Dr.  Bergerud," I said.  "Is he in?"
   "He had a lunch meeting," she replied crisply after consulting the
calendar in front of her.  "He should be back around two o'clock.  I'll
tell him you were looking for him," she said.
   "Uh...  thanks," I said and quickly fled, running as quickly as possible
to my own office.
   Heather?  The new secretary?  I thought.  Shit shit shit shit shit.
   I didn't know what was going on, but Dr.  Bergerud was certainly behind
this to some extent, and now he was gone, and I had no one to ask the
questions I had.  Unfortunately I had another class to teach before he
returned, and after my final rehearsal of the day I found the department
empty and the offices locked.
   I went home that night even more confused than before.  I knew this was
Dr.  B's way of attempting to get me back together with Heather, but I
wasn't sure if it would work.  I had been at a loss for words at our
meeting, not surprising I suppose, in light of the shock I felt at seeing
her so suddenly.  But Heather had been cool toward me and I wasn't sure if
that wasn't an indication of how she truly felt.
   I tried calling the number Katie had given me, but just like all the
others I received no answer.  This time however, the answering machine did
pick up, and I left an embarrassingly long, rambling message, pleading with
her to call me back as soon as she could.
   I had just hung up and was on my way to the bathroom when the phone
rang. I raced back to the living room and picked up on the second ring.
   "Heather?" I said breathlessly.
   "No," came the voice on the other end of the line.  "Are you guys
talking finally?  That's great!"
   "Hello?" I said in puzzlement.  "Who is this?"
   "Daniel!  It's Natalie," my sister said, laughing at my confusion.
   "Oh, hey," I answered weakly.  "What's up?"
   "Never mind that," she said.  "What's up with you and Heather?  Are you
guys speaking again?  Why was she going to call you?"
   "No...  we're not," I replied, quickly relating the story of the
constant hang-ups I received when I called..  "I...  I just left her a
message and I thought you might be her.
   "I'm sorry," Natalie said.
   "It's okay," I said.  "What's up?  Why'd you call in the first place?"
   "Well, it's been a month or so, and I was wondering when you were going
to invite me to visit you," she replied, sounding overly chipper.  "Hmm?"
   "Oh," I said, caught a bit off guard.  "Whenever is fine, I suppose. 
It's not like I don't have room for you."
   "Haven't found another roommate yet?" my sister asked quickly.  "You
have a spare room for me?"
   "I guess.  Why?  When are you coming?" I wondered.  I waited for a
response, but the connection seemed to have dropped.  I hung up waiting for
my sister to call back, but the phone didn't ring.  I shrugged, ready to
continue my trip to the bathroom when there was a knocking on the door.
   Groaning in frustration I walked back into the living room and opened
the door, stunned at who I found on my doorstep.
   "Hey," I said, confused and surprised at my visitor.  "What are you
doing here?"
   "Hey," she answered.  "Um...  can I come in?  This suitcase is awfully
heavy."
   *****
   For the second time in a year, I found myself helping a stranded female
move into my apartment.  Thankfully it wasn't snowing this time.
   "Why are you here again?" I asked my sister as she brought in another
load from the curb.  It was the last of her belongings, the pile now taking
up a good portion of the floor in the entryway.
   "I don't want to talk about it," she muttered.
   "Not good enough," I said, reaching out and pulling her onto the couch,
one of the few places a person could still sit in the living room. 
"Natalie, tell me...  what's going on?"
   "I hate her!" she said and I pulled back, surprised at the outrage I
heard in her voice.
   "Hate who?" I asked.  "What happened?"
   "Chris," she spat out, much to my surprise.
   "Chris?" I asked.  "Why?  What did she do?"
   "She went back to her boyfriend," Natalie said venomously.  "I can't
believe her!"
   "Whoa," I said.  "Hang on a second.  Chris has a boyfriend?"
   "I guess," she answered.  "She does now."
   "When did this happen?" I wondered.  "I thought you two were in love."
   "We were.  I was.  I don't fucking know!" Natalie almost screamed.
   "Shh..." I said, pulling my sister into a fierce hug.  "Calm down, Nat.
It's going to be okay, you know?" I gently rocked her in my arms as best as
I was able, holding Natalie as she moved quickly from anger to despair as
she sobbed in my arms.
   When her tears had finally dried, my sister pulled away, an embarrassed
grin on her face.
   "Sorry," she said.  "I've been holding that in for a while.  I didn't
mean to let it all out in front of you."
   "Who else is there?" I asked.  "It's why I'm here." I grinned, reaching
up to wipe a tear from her cheek.
   "Thank you," she said.
   "Can I ask a question though?" I asked.  Natalie nodded.  "Why are you
here?  You didn't drive all this way just to cry on my shoulder, did you?"
My sister grinned, shaking her head.
   "No," she replied.  "I came here to visit, like I said."
   "Yeah, like you said when you called from my doorstep," I kidded.
   "Sorry about that," she blushed.  "But it's true.  I wanted to see you.
I just didn't want to see you like this."
   "I get it," I answered.  "But why all the stuff?  How long are you
planning on being here?" I looked around the room at the pile of books and
clothing and CDs.  Her luggage did seem a bit excessive for a short visit.
   "All semester?" she asked shyly.
   "What do you mean...  are you...?" I didn't really know what question to
ask.  "Why are you here again?"
   "I...  I just couldn't stay with Mom and Dad anymore," she finally
answered.  "It got to be too much, you know?  They were so supportive of
me. They told me everything would be okay and they said they'd be there for
me, but it was...  too much." She shrugged her shoulders.  "I had to get
out...  I couldn't stand to see Chris anymore.  I'm sorry."
   "No!  Don't be," I said.  "You can stay.  Please...  stay as long as
you'd like.  I wasn't joking on the phone...  I do have a spare room.  Do
you need any money?"
   "No, I'm good," Natalie answered.  "I should have money from the
government too, at least in a few weeks.  I can pay you rent then."
   "Money, from what?"
   "Student loans," my sister answered.  "I'm actually going to school here
in town...  didn't Mom tell you over the phone?" she asked, sounded
somewhat exasperated.
   "You are?  No, she didn't, or at least I don't think so.  Wait, are you
going to be...?"
   "No, not with you.  I wanted to go into nursing, and really there's only
one place in town for that."
   "True enough," I agreed, "And it certainly isn't here.  Whew!" I wiped
my forehead in mock relief.  "Not that it wouldn't have been fun, but it
might have been weird having you in school with me."
   Natalie giggled a bit at that.  "As weird as living in the same house
with me?" she asked.  I was happy she seemed to be over her breakup with
Chris, at least for the moment.
   "Possibly," I said.  "But you can be certain it wouldn't be nearly as...
exciting!"
   "Goof," she laughed, punching me in the chest.  "I've gotta get up," she
said finally, pulling herself away from me and standing up.  "Where's your
bathroom?"
   "Down the hall and to the left," I said, pointing her in the right
direction.  I looked once again at the pile of Natalie's things and started
the process of taking them into her room.  I instantly flashed back to
helping Heather move in, but forced the thought out of my mind.
   I hoped that having Natalie around would be a good thing.  I didn't see
how her presence could interfere with any possibility, slight thought it
might be, of Heather and I reconciling, but I wasn't sure.  At least I
wouldn't be lonely, even if my sex life would, once again, be down to
nothing.
   *****
   Again, like so many other calculations, I would have been wrong.  I
don't know if it was being away from home, or if Natalie felt she could
trust me after what I had seen and done, but for whatever reason, Natalie
decided to make my life hard.
   Literally.
   Gone were the baggy sweatshirts and loose slacks I was used to seeing
her wear.  Suddenly Natalie was dressing in skin-tight jeans, belly shirts
or tank tops, and from the look of things, very little underwear.  If her
intent was to get to me, it was definitely working, but I was confused by
her attentions and didn't quite know what to think.  Added to that the fact
that she was my sister, and seldom did I go to bed anything but incredibly
horny, while at the same time feeling guilty for being that way!
   Her attentions finally got the best of me one afternoon a couple weeks
into school.  Natalie was telling me the story of one of the other students
in her biology class.
   "Carol is so hot," she giggled.  "You'd like her I think.  She wears
these skirts that barely go down to the middle of her thigh, and the way
she walks makes her hips go from side to side...  I get wet just talking
with her!  I don't know if she's into girls though," Natalie said
thoughtfully.  "I'm not very good at that sort of thing," she admitted. 
"Chris was the one who came onto me.  How do you ask out another girl?" she
asked, clearing her throat when I failed to answer.
   "What?" I asked.  Truth of the matter was, I had been incredibly
distracted.  While my sister had been talking, and apparently without her
even being aware of it, Natalie had allowed one of her hands to stray up
her chest where it was now gently massaging her left breast as I ogled her.
Natalie's nipples were clearly visible through the t-shirt she was wearing
and despite my best efforts I couldn't tear my eyes away.
   When she saw where I was looking, she quickly dropped the hand, blushing
as she apologized.
   "Sorry," she squeaked.  "I got carried away I guess."
   "Jeez, Nat," I said in frustration.  "Take it to your room, okay? 
There's only so much a guy can take, and you're my sister for goodness
sake!"
   "As if that stopped you from watching me before," she said.  "Pervert."
   "That was different," I said, trying to think of why I felt that was the
case.
   "How?" she asked.
   "I...  I don't know.  But seriously, it's not like I whip out my dick
and start stroking myself when we're eating dinner."
   "Do you want to?" Natalie asked suddenly.
   "Sometimes," I admitted slowly.  "Would you quit wearing so freaking
little around here?  I know you're my sister, but for crying out loud,
there's only so much a guy can take!"
   "Sorry," my sister said, bursting into tears.  I watched helplessly as
she ran from the living room.  I heard her barge into her room and the
sound of her dropping to the bed, but didn't hear the door slam behind her.
Sighing in frustration, knowing that somehow this was all my fault, I
walked down the hall after her.
   "Nat," I said when I reached the doorway.  "I'm sorry.  I don't know
what else to say."
   "I was just trying to fit in at school," she said.  "I'll try to dress
differently, if that's what you want."
   "No, forget I said anything, okay?  I'll just have to deal with it," I
said, causing Natalie to smile.
   "I know how you deal with it, remember?  Besides, I found your towel."
   "Shit."
   "Pretty gross, Dan."
   "Sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed that my sister had found my version of
the sock or rag that every man has, but seldom has to be confronted with.
   "Don't worry about it.  I was doing laundry and started digging around
in your room.  My God, you must jack off all the time," Natalie blurted,
quickly covering her mouth as she realized what she had said.
   "It's okay," I laughed.  "It's a pretty old towel."
   "I'll say."
   "Are you okay?" I asked finally.  "This has been really difficult for
me, and I don't want to freak you out."
   "Why would I be freaked out?" Natalie wanted to know.
   "Because...  I'm your older brother and lately all we seem to talk about
is sex, and I sort of feel like you might think I'm coming onto you
somehow."
   "Are you?" Natalie asked.
   "No.  No, I'm not," I said.  "I told you this before.  You look really
good, but dammit!  You're my sister.  Now, go find yourself another
girlfriend, okay?" I joked, hoping the conversation was over.
   To my relief, my sister nodded and I quickly went back to my own room,
where despite my best efforts, I masturbated furiously, almost the entire
time to the image of Natalie, in various states of undress.
   *****
   The next day was difficult for me.  After getting to school, I was
forced to be with Heather for most of the morning.  Dr.  Bergerud had been
out of town over the weekend, interviewing for a teaching position out west
somewhere, and seemed hopeful.  I hoped for his sake he was successful, but
I knew that if he was it would put that much more pressure on me to take
his position here.
   But that was the least of my worries as I worked with Heather.  As
always she was cordial but cool, and as we spent the morning going over
recital schedules and stuffing choir folders full of music for the freshman
groups, I felt as if I was somehow an intruder in her life.  Where we used
to sit together, enjoying the closeness, we now sat as far apart as
possible, communicating only when absolutely necessary.
   "Penny for your thoughts?" I asked suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable
silence.
   "You'd get change back," Heather answered.  "I'm trying not to think
right now.  Just, do your work and let's get out of here, okay?"
   "Fine," I said bitterly.  I grabbed another folder and began filling it
with the fall semester's music.  If Heather didn't want to talk, then I
didn't either.
   Finally we were done and Heather collected her things and left.  I
waited around for another twenty minutes, going over theory placement
tests, until finally deciding to go home.  As I was dragging myself from
the music office, Dr.  Bergerud called out to me.
   "What's up?" I asked, trying to appear far more upbeat than I truly was.
   "How did everything go today?" he asked.
   "Fine.  We got all the projects done.  Why?"
   "Did you talk at all?" he wanted to know, and I began to wonder if the
entire episode had been a setup for the two of us, Heather and I, to make
peace.  If so, it had been a miserable failure, and I told him so.
   "Was that why you had us do that today?" I asked, my suspicions
confirmed by the small smile he gave in response.  "No.  We didn't talk.  I
tried to...  again, but she didn't seem interested in anything but getting
out of here as fast as possible.
   I sat down heavily in a chair, my chin resting in the palm of my hand. I
was tired, not just from my feelings about Heather, but about everything.
Classes I was taking, classes I was teaching, my growing, unbrotherly
feelings toward Natalie, and to try and deal with Heather on top of all of
it...  I needed a break.  But apparently that was not to be.
   "What did you say to her?" Dr.  Bergerud wanted to know.
   "I don't know.  Just...  stuff, I guess."
   "But nothing important, right?"
   "What do you mean?"
   "Nothing about the two of you?" he asked.
   "Is there a two of us?" I wanted to know.  I was practicing being the
teacher at this point, replying with a question of my own.
   "Do you want there to be?" Dr.  Bergerud replied, not to be outdone.
   "Does it matter what I want?" I asked.  "I've tried to be nice, but
every time I start to apologize I freeze up, or Heather seems upset.  I
don't know what to do."
   "If you really want her back," Dr.  Bergerud said.  "You have to talk to
her.  Really talk.  And be ready to listen in return."
   "Is that it?" I asked.  "Is that really all she wants?"
   "Maybe you should ask her yourself," he said, giving a tiny wave toward
the door.
   I closed my eyes, knowing what was coming, but it was still a surprise
when she spoke.
   "It is," I heard from behind me and my heart leaped to my throat. 
"That's all I want." I whipped around and there she was...  her cheeks
streaked with tears and a tiny smile on her lips.
   "Hi," I said weakly.
   "Hello."
   End Chapter Ten
  
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