**********


This society is going thru an age crises. I watch in horror at how 
people line up to get plastic surgery, you just have to look 
around and see how men and women are desperate to roll 
back the years. My primary concern isn't with the vanity of it, no 
my problem is this obsession with erasing history, removing the 
scars of our past in an attempt to stay young for tomorrow. 
When I look in the mirror, or wash my body, I see the scars 
from where I fell off my bike, or from playing soccer, and even a 
few from a couple of fights. These are a part of who I am and 
as the years take their toll on my body, that too will become a 
part of who I am, just as much a reflection on how well I took 
care of my skin when I was younger. When you watch TV 
nobody has any wrinkles or lines on their face, everything is 
grossly pulled tight, covered up and filtered, it looks nasty, and 
gross.



**********


Subconsciously I think I may have some anti-social issues :)
 
I was in Dick's Sporting Goods yesterday, just browsing when I 
passed a long rack of aluminum baseball bats, I then had this 
strange desire to pick up one of those bats and beat the crap 
out of some inanimate object, you know just to vent. Maybe I 
have some suppressed anger issues? 

So anyway, there I am holding this bat, admiring it's destructive 
potential like some dummy, when I get a vibe someone is 
looking at me, just over my right shoulder. So being the ever 
discrete person that I am, I jerk my head to the right to see who 
it might be, expecting some guy or guys to be lurking around. I 
was awkwardly shocked to see this very attractive brunette 
picking thru some jogging shorts across the aisle way, I have to 
say that yes, she was very, very attractive. So I'm fumbling to 
put the bat away and glance back over at her as she looks up 
at me and she gives me a lingering smile. So what do I do? I 
blush like some idiot and smile back, and I'm still fumbling to 
put that stupid bat back on the rack, now I want to beat myself 
over the head with it. I wanted to just kind of slink away feeling 
embarrassed at the fact I was even flirted a little with her, 
checking her out a little bit as well as we kept exchanging 
glances and some awkward hellos. 'You look really fit!' She 
even said to me and that's when I knew I had to get the hell out 
of there, I was all thumbs and tripping over my own feet.

'Uh gotta go....uhm....see you later!' (See you later? How 
dopey, No I won't be seeing you later!) So I just head for the 
exit because I don't normally act like this, maybe I was flattered 
but so what, I see lots of attractive women and men walking 
around checking me out. But every once in a very rare moment 
I make this unspoken connection with someone that leaves me 
feeling flustered and at a loss for words. That's exactly what 
was happening back in that store and I needed to put some 
distance between me and that girl less I fall into temptation. 

It's happened with guys too, just so you know, and it kind of 
screws with me to have my body firing off responses to both 
sexes, but I just go with it and don't worry anymore. :) 

As I was now hustling my way out of the store I passed a 
section with all of the exercise equipment, all nicely spread out 
on display. Amongst the shiny displays I saw something called 
the 'Ab Recliner', that's right, my eyes could not believe it, the 
ultimate Ab exercise for the laziest people in our society. An 
exercise machine, cleverly disguised as a recliner, so you fat 
assess can sit back, drink your beer, watch TV and work those 
Abs. PATHETIC! 

"Geee I don't know why I can't get rid of this giant tractor tire 
that hangs around my waist?"

Hmm, I have an answer, because it takes hard work! And it's 
EASY putting off HARD work and just doing a bunch of 
crunches will NOT do it!


**********


I got out of College and jumped right into the corporate world, 
but that was just a means to an end, which was to pay my gym 
membership. And I won't mention the name of my gym either.

I was wearing a lightweight jacket and long sweats during my 
workout. It helped to keep the cool air, pumped in from the 
overhead vents, from zapping the moisture off my skin thus 
cooling down my body and muscles faster then I would like. 
Today however was a little different as the A/C was partially on 
the fritz and so off came the jacket and sweat pants. Even with 
the overhead fans turned on the lack of cooling air meant that 
the entire gym had become its own sauna, reeking of bodily 
sweat (Guys here is some advice okay, USE DEODORANT! 
Take a shower, take two showers! But for the love of God 
practice some basic hygiene for crying out loud. You know all 
that junk we women buy; The shaving products, lotions, 
creams, skin care, hair conditioners. What's the end result? We 
smell nice, our skin is smooth, clear and soft, you like that don't 
you? So how about practicing some of that on yourselves!) 

**********

Nikki and I breached the subject of moving in together, but 
there was the issue of being friends and lovers so we needed 
to move forward as any other dating couple would. 

So that left me with Sharon as a roommate, we've been 
roommates before, so the ground rules were already set, she 
would not annoy me with constant talking, which would save 
me from going crazy and her from getting a severe beating for 
annoying the crap out of me. Sharon understood me though, 
she knew I was quiet most of the time and could be a loner, 
something she didn't take personally. On the other end of the 
spectrum Sharon was a social terror, always coming and going, 
planning, inviting co-workers over and having small social 
events at our townhouse to schmooze with her peers at work. 
What fucking peers? Her father is the CEO and Chairman, she 
goes crying to daddy if people give her a hard time. 

I usually stay at Nikki's anyway, or hide in my room, or go to the 
bookstore, or gym when Sharon has company over. On the 
rare occasion she insists that I make an appearance at one of 
her parties I just grin and deal with it.

"Your so mean to me." Sharon would pout, "So anti-social to my 
friends." And on and on the guilt trip would go, all because I 
didn't frequent her parties.

But enough of all that fun stuff we need to dive right into a 
totally miserable event that blind sided me like a freight train.  
Just a few months after graduation, life appears to be getting 
into a grove (I like that) and then Nikki floors me with 
something:

"I think we should take some time apart, romantically." Nikki 
said in an almost calm manner at first, I remember this 
conversation so vividly, it was a Saturday afternoon and she 
was sitting across from me in a chair, while I sat on her sofa.

"What? What the hell!" I blurted out, I had no clue where this 
was coming from, she normally doesn't keep stuff from me, 
how long has these been brewing inside of her? What the 
flipping, dang, freaking hell is she talking about!!

"Just hear me out." Nikki pleaded while still trying to remain 
calm, all the while trying to calm me down now as well. I felt my 
heart pounding and I think I had this crazed look on my face, so 
much of my life was tied up with Nikki, so much of what I often 
thought about as being a future together was now being 
completely shaken up.
 
After ALL THE SHIT we just went thru in College!

I wanted to yell, cry, and have a fit of anger all at the same 
time. Actually that is normal for me so I should say I wanted to 
do all of the aforementioned to a very, extreme degree.

"Listen, just listen, please." Nikki said and her voice started to 
tremble as she stood up and walked over to the sofa "I've 
thought about this long and hard." 

"Nice of you to discuss it with me!" I snapped sarcastically, Nik 
quickly sat down to my right, she tried to take my right hand into 
her lap I but jerked it away, she didn't try again but simply 
clasped her hands together nervously. I watched how her 
hands and those delicious lips of hers trembled with emotion.

"You and I are getting ready to make the biggest commitment 
in our lives," Nikki started out.

"Already made! A commitment we have already made as far as 
I understood!" I corrected her with a angry snap, and for the 
first time I looked across at her I felt true anger, real resentment 
toward this girl, things I never thought I would feel that towards 
her. "How can you do this, how can you suggest such a thing! 
We are already committed!" I wasn't able to resist any longer, I 
was floored by what she was insinuating.

"Your family and my family, our future is becoming so 
intertwined." She started to cry and that's when I began to cry 
as well (Oh gheesh the drama we women produce).

"So what in the hell are you talking about? What do you mean 
time apart? I don't want to date around and I am sure as hell 
not getting involved with another girl or guy, there is no one 
else!" I stated almost yelling, I pounded my left fist on my left 
knee with almost every word. I then lowered my aching head 
while bringing my left elbow to rest on my left knee so I could 
then cradle my face into my hand. "I don't believe this, this is 
horrible, my life is ruined." I sobbed. I've been taking drama 
lessons from Sharon it would seem.

I couldn't follow any of what Nikki was talking about, and then 
she was back tracking somewhat, now she is talking about 
'slowing down' and 'still wanting to date' mumbo-jumbo. 

Look, I am simple person, we are either dating or we are not 
dating. Nikki, God love her, is as stubborn as a freaking mule, 
so she was dead set on us not seeing so much of each other, 
or whatever she wanted to call it. I felt like I needed to regain 
some control of the situation, of my life, so I stood up and 
walked around the small ottoman that was in front of the sofa, 
Nikki's beautiful dark eyes followed me intently, "Then call it 
what it is, we are officially broken up so you can go figure out 
whatever the hell it is you need to figure out!" 

A lot more crying ensues.

"It's not like that Corbin! Couples do this sometimes and I don't 
want us broken up, I just want to make sure we are as clear as 
possible on this." Nikki's face got a tad red around her neck and 
cheeks, sure sign she was getting ready to start balling again, 
or very angry, or both.

"I don't want to think anymore, you were the one always telling 
me we had to let our emotions guide us and there was no rule 
book to any of this!" I was struggling to keep my voice low, but I 
knew I was close to shouting.

"That's true!" Nikki snapped, "I'm sorry this is lousy timing 
Corbin but now things are moving so fast!" 

I watched the tears stream down her cheeks, her full lips 
quivered and that got to me and so I covered my face with my 
hands and sobbed a few times, "It's always lousy timing, it's 
always something." I whimpered and walked toward the kitchen 
counter to get my keys. It felt like Dale and I breaking up all 
over again. What the hell!

"Corbin wait." My girlfriend, I should say ex-
girlfriend...GRRRRRRR!....now was walking up to me trying to 
hug me, but that was the last thing I wanted.

"Nikki come on please I just want to go home and rest." While I 
awkwardly kept moving out of her gently pawing hands and 
toward the door, something that was a terrible struggle to 
achieve as every fiber of my being wanted to embrace my lover 
as tightly as possible.

"Corbin I'm sorry, just let me get thru this, we'll get thru this 
okay?" Nikki pleaded.

"Is there someone else?" I suddenly spun around and asked in 
a harsh tone.

"No!" Nikki snapped and got really angry with me for that 
question and I could tell it dug deep at her to hear me ask that. 
She had every right to be angry, I was saying that to be mean, I 
knew there was no one else.

"Okay, sorry. I am just begin a bitch." I said more of a whisper 
then anything and pulled the door open. I was startled to feel 
Nikki's hands pull on my shoulder and wrap around the front of 
me, I jerked and rolled my shoulders to free myself from her but 
she simply clutched onto me even tighter. In the end I caved 
because I am weak and I relented to her touch, I love her touch 
and let my body lean forward against the door as she rested 
against me.

"I'm sorry love." Nikki pressed her face against the back of my 
head and wept.

I didn't respond and didn't know what to say really, I was still in 
a bit of shock, I felt sick to my stomach and light headed. My 
right hand came up and tightly gripped her right wrist, I teetered 
between wanting to pull free from her hug, or just keeping her 
arm wrapped around me forever. I turned into her and hugged 
her back, I apologized again for questioning her faithfulness to 
me and told her I was just lashing out.

We ended up back on the sofa holding one another and 
cuddling. Some beginning to putting the brakes on our romance 
huh? Such a confusing time.

It didn't take a stroke of genius to figure out something was 
seriously wrong with me when I walked in the door, Sharon was 
all over the case wanting to know what happened. I think she 
was secretly thrilled, hoping that I was coming out of my 
relationship with Nikki, that maybe it was just a onetime thing 
on my part and I would go back to dating guys.


**********


While Nikki and I chilled on the dating I actually met a really 
nice guy, but do not classify him as a boyfriend or anything like 
that, he was really good company and so we went out a few 
times. As friends!

I was at the bookstore on one of my great escapes from one of 
Sharon's parties. I was looking mighty fine to, in my gray sweat 
pants and pullover sweat shirt, hair pulled back into a ponytail. I 
was there to escape, not meet anyone, but meet someone I 
did. He started the conversation as I was standing in an aisle 
way, fairly focused on finding a book, my eyes roaming back 
and forth on the shelves, totally oblivious to someone standing 
next to me, until I saw his hand point to a shelf and say "That's 
a good one."

Why did I respond with more then a simple nod? Because he 
didn't even look at me, he seemed shy, but he was handsome 
and my height and looked fit, and okay I am going down my 
mental checklist to see if passes my quality control standards. 
:)  He did, so I responded, wasn't that nice of me?

"Thank you." I said and turned my head towards him, to see if 
he was going to engage my stare. Sure enough he did and it's 
amazing what a smile can do to a guy, I saw the transformation 
instantly, he became putty in my hands! Bwahahaha!

He introduced himself, his name was Jason.

Nikki and I are always honest with one another, and I told her 
that I was hanging around with Jason, but NOT dating him, but 
she still got very upset with me, accusing me of trying to punish 
or hurt her for this time apart. (Gheesh how did things get to 
messed up between Nik and I back then?) I tried to make this 
friendship thing very clear to Jason as well, but I think he just 
assumed I would 'come around' to dating him.

"I can't believe I have to listen to this crap!" She yelled at me 
into the phone then cursed in Portuguese before hanging up. 
So you know what I did? I sent her a love letter, telling her I 
wanted to get back together and how much I missed her touch, 
loving voice and body. You know what that got me? Nik called 
me and said she ripped it up! God what a bitch (I would never 
call her that, nor she me, but I thought it!). So this split ended 
up being good in some ways because I was convinced that 
Nikki was my one true love, we don't often get to say that about 
someone. But once word filtered out (Sharon's slip of the 
tongue) the requests for dates was unbearable.

Yeah I should not bitch, a lot of people would give their left arm 
for an avalanche of dating proposals. 


*****


But Nikki was all I ever thought about, I've never had this kind 
of longing for anyone.....EVER! 

Well, maybe Dale. Yes definitely Dale. I miss him terribly 
sometimes.

So I went over to her apartment and confronted her about 
ripping up my letter, she and I had this long argument. The 
irony is how much we argued while we were broken up. It was 
like some kind of therapy the way we would vent at one 
another, never curse or get ugly, more like long drawn out 
heated discussions. 

And then one night, it totally hit us like a ton of bricks, we were 
standing in her bedroom getting ready to have another 'heated 
discussion'. I'm telling her 'You are the one doing the 
punishing, I didn't break up with you!' 

"We are not broken up! Will you stop saying that!" Nikki places 
her hands on her hips and I can see the anger rising up behind 
her cool exterior and steps in close to me.

"Then what do you call this mess! That you started!" I snap right 
back and lean in until the tips of our breasts touch. Nikki then, 
literally grabs me by the shoulders, so I grab her back and the 
next thing I know her left foot hooks into my knee tripping me 
back onto her bed. As I begin to fall backward I pull her with 
me, but she's doing just as much pushing as I am pulling so we 
basically are falling/rolling together. But hold on a second, 
because now we are rolling around on top of her bed, semi-
wrestling but also locked in a deep kiss! Wow! Make that 
double **WOW**! It was the most passionate kiss I had ever 
had, and that says a lot. I laid on top as both her hands came 
around and squeezed my ass thru my jeans, we spent a good 
fifteen minutes rolling back and forth and making out on her 
bed, no talking just kissing. We were now into a full blown 
grinding, groping and humping one another. Like I said, this 
was all some kind of weird therapy, but while we were 'broken 
up' we worked thru a lot of stress and emotions that we both 
had been bottling up. 

Actually this whole episode makes sense now, while we were 
dating back in College and prior to this breakup/whatever, we 
spent a lot of time trying to avoid conflict so we rarely ever 
argued or disagreed, but during this cooling off period we didn't 
resist telling the other what we thought! I mean come on, what 
were we going to do? Break up! We were already sort of 
broken up. Maybe that was the rational behind it all. 

But back to our impromptu make-out session; Nikki bridged her 
hips and rolled me over onto my back, now she was on top of 
me, and framed my face in between the palm her hands. Our 
mouths opened as wide as they would go and our tongues 
spent several minutes in deep exploration of the others mouth. 
Nikki trapped my tongue in her mouth and sucked so hard I 
thought she might pull it out of my throat, we loved to suck on 
each other's tongues. She shook out her long black hair and it 
fell all around my face, she smiled and I smiled back. She 
pushed her crotch against mine and I returned the favor, I was 
so wet for her. We took a break to stare into each other's eyes, 
you know, that loving, bedroom-eyes kind of gaze that we 
wanted to make love to one another right-then-and-there. I was 
so wet for her and I wanted her naked body against mine. Nik 
just smiled a little and teasingly bit on my lower lip, tugged on it 
a little and then let go, she sighed and then her look got 
serious, more serious then I have ever recalled, Nikki's eyes 
got dark and intense, it was very unnerving, and then she said 
"Your all mine. Forever." Then softly bit and tugged on my 
upper and lower lips again.

Simple as that, she didn't need to say anything else and I didn't 
need to hear anymore. I was already floored and I felt my 
insides become warm with this odd sensation as Nikki 
possessively laid down the law! I loved it! I felt so weak and 
helpless laying there under her. I wanted to cry and whispered 
"I'll always be yours."

With those words she was making it perfectly clear that she did 
not find my friendship with Jason to be amusing in the slightest. 
Most importantly that even while things were 'stressful' in our 
relationship we were committed to one another and that 'I' 
belonged to her! Nikki sat up and pulled my shirt off and 
scooted down, unzipping my jeans, she had taken charge again 
and I was loving every second of it. I loved this girl with all my 
heart and soul, our eyes remained locked in dead silence as 
she feverishly clawed away my clothes, then her own. When I 
tried to reach up to touch those beautiful breasts of hers she 
intercepted my wrists and pushed them up over my head, 
shaking her head 'no', and I obeyed her! I didn't move a muscle 
as I tend to get very submissive where Nikki was concerned. 

Nikki then proceeded to tease my face and body with her 
mouth and tongue her touches were so faint and erotic that the 
core of my body was trembling with desire. I would literally try 
and push my breasts up to her mouth but se would just quickly 
pull away. Goosebumps traversed up and down my body, my 
nipples were standing at full attention as she spent allot of time 
teasing them, blowing and lightly kissing their tips. She had me 
hungry for more but she controlled the pace of things to come, 
by now I was writhing and whimpering under her, on the verge 
of actually begging her to touch me more. She just smiled a 
little and would look up, only for her to slow down even more, 
that she-devil!

Oh the irony of all of this, how I have spent so many years 
being the big prude, conservative and lecturing my friends 
about abstinence. But here I am begging for this girl to touch 
me, to do what ever she wanted to me. 
 
After that night it was pretty clear to me that Nikki was taking 
charge of our relationship; Emotionally, physically and sexually. 
Although when we met in College we were both virgins we 
definitely had no reservations about unleashing our sexual 
desires on each other, part of the reason we had to be 
together. Yes I have my moments were I will exert myself, but 
for the most part I guess you could say Nikki 'wore the pants' in 
the relationship, although not sure if that is a good analogy 
because Nikki rarely ever wears pants. But I guess you clever 
folks get my point.

Nikki began to speak in a very serious manner as she lay 
propped up on her left elbow, looking down at me, her right 
hand stroking my left breast softly, "From the first moment I saw 
you, when you walked into the locker room, I wanted to make 
love to you. I wanted you to make love to me. I have no 
defenses around you, no inhibitions, anything you want to do to 
me I'll let you, anything you want from me I'll give you. I love 
and respect you more then anyone I have ever met." Our 
bodies, naked and with a fresh coat of sweat remained tightly 
intertwined, my left hand gripping her firm butt, her ass is so 
round and perfect, and she knows it too. Nikki didn't flaunt her 
body but she wore outfits, skirts and pants, that definitely 
accented her figure.

"All I want is you, your everything to me." I sighed my left hand 
squeezed her butt some and then moved up to caress her face 
and hair, I was on the verge of crying, then I was crying as 
tears streamed out of my eyes. Nikki remained frozen as she 
looked and listened to what I had to say, her right hand had 
moved from teasing my erect nipple to stroking my face, she 
lightly kissed me, pulled back and kept looking into my eyes. 
She has this look sometimes, a dead serious, unwavering stare 
that unnerves allot of people, she's been told this, she can whip 
Sharon in a stare down and Sharon is the queen of the nasty, 
intense looks. But for whatever reason I never felt that way. 
Nikki's look always made me feel warm, loved, drawn into her, 
and made me smile.

Nikki then smiled and kissed me again as our tongues began to 
work in and out of each other's mouth, there's nothing more I 
could want, I was in total bliss. Strange huh? I bet you folks 
were expecting me to be the more dominant one? Or maybe 
not.

Just so you fine readers know, Nikki was not playing mind 
games with me, she had been so strong thru College, so strong 
for both of us. We all work thru these emotional hurdles in our 
own way, this was Nikki's way, hell I can't blame her, I pushed 
her away many times in College when I panicked and needed 
space.


**********


Nikki and I had a lot of suitors by the way it was mostly an 
annoying distraction. I found a definite distinction amongst all of 
the men and could easily classify them into separate niches or 
fetishes; The most extreme were the ones that wanted me to 
beat them up, well not beat them up with my fists, but wrestle 
them because I took Jiu-Jitsu, they wanted to 'Roll' with me, but 
only because it was a 'turn on' to them, and let me retell a true 
moment as evidence:

"She can kick my ass any day she wants."

That is an exact quote that I overheard at a party Sharon was 
hosting one evening. And he was serious! Absolutely admitting 
that fact adamantly. 

So it begs the question 'What is it with you guys and wanting 
girls to kick your asses?' 
I would be happy to oblige please just form a line right HERE 
and the ass whippings will begin. But that's not fair, not every 
guy deserves that, well...then again :)

I was even more shocked when I heard Sharon snap right back 
at him, 
"You'd enjoy that wouldn't you?" That's Sharon for you, clever 
and quick thinking. I was even more surprised when the guy 
responded with some honesty "Hell yeah!".

Freaking pervert! ;)

Anyway, where was I? Hell if I know, I am going to ramble in 
this part and there is not a damn thing you can do about it!

Most guys want to do the straight up dating thing; dinner, 
movies, romantic walks, all of that fine stuff that I do really love. 
I do appreciate compliments from men who focus on my looks 
and body, and I think a lot of women out there are really 
missing out on all the attention being strong and fit can bring. 
(But I refuse to get 'big', a lot of guys push me to get bigger, but 
I refuse.) I admit I sometimes I pose in front of the mirror, 
especially after taking a shower when I am soaking wet. I don't 
feel bad for indulging in those moments because I spend so 
much time working in the gym and to see the payoff is amazing, 
it's hard to walk that fine line of getting really buff and strong 
while keeping something of a very sensual appeal. 

But let me recall an event that still hangs vividly in the back of 
my mind and still is a lingering problem. Well I should say 'she' 
is still a lingering problem, can you believe it? I still have a run 
in or two with disagreeable people. I mean what the heck I'm 
such a joy to be around!

I'm always trying to mind my own business here....but alas, 
trouble comes looking for me. Sharon has a lot of friends, I 
don't even try and keep track of them all, some come and go 
and I never see them again. On this particular night I was 
eyeing a spread of food in the kitchen, my eyes dancing over 
the layout in tune with the growling in my tummy. But I'm a 
picky eater so I was trying to discretely inspect all the finger 
sandwiches, I'm sure it was all good, various cheeses laid out 
and bags of snacks spread out all over the place. I don't drink 
beer that often, so I opened a chilled bottle of wine and poured 
myself a glass. I was actually enjoying myself, I was alone in 
the small kitchen while everyone was scattered throughout the 
townhouse. (See I told you guys, I liked to be alone.) 

Have you ever had a moment when you just 'knew' someone 
was watching you? Of course you have and this is the little 
story of how I met Tasha, the new pain in my ass. Just as 
Tiffany was the thorn in my side thru College, now I have 
Tasha, but she was Sharon's friend so I gave her plenty of 
maneuvering room, or should say I gave her attitude plenty of 
room to maneuver. 

From the moment I turned around I could tell her look spoke 
volumes as she was sizing me up. But I was buzzing a little 
from the wine so I wasn't that tuned into this girl's agenda, that 
is if she had one at the moment. I wondered if Sharon warned 
her in advance that I could be a little abrasive with first 
introductions, probably, but just another girl in a long line of 
black women who 'cop' an attitude with me. Now is that 
prejudice of me to say that? Maybe but I have tons of 
experience to back it up so that's what I know!

Right from the word 'Go' Tasha had a bold in your face style 
and attitude. It was as if she went out of her way to meet me 
tonight, one-on-one, and size me up. You see I suspect Tasha 
had been getting a big dose of the way Sharon would talk-me-
up around her friends, bragging about me as if I was some idol, 
all very nauseating stuff, but Sharon love's to brag about 
anything and everything. What she owns, or the people she 
knows. So by now, I'm sure this girl if fit to be tied, sick of 
hearing about 'Corbin is so great...so athletic...so strong...blah-
blah-blah...'
 
I was not surprised that when we shook hands for the first time 
I picked on a slight sneer of contempt forming over her lips, 
probably not, but it does sound dramatic. 

"You must be Corbin?" was a nice of enough question you 
would think. Well I thought it was but with that question you 
have to add in her expression and darting eyes, doing a quick 
'sizing up', so suddenly it's all tainted with attitude. But you 
have to understand sometimes we women have to struggle with 
the external expectations to make pleasant conversation that 
conflicts with an internal bitchy competitiveness, one that I 
could see brewing behind Tasha's expression.

My response based on the above analysis went from 
enthusiastic to down right curt, also I just had my moment of 
privacy interrupted. So as I quickly tried to chew my food, 
taking a small sip of wine, I just smiled and nodded 'Yes', that 
was it.

However I have to give this girl her due credit, I will say that she 
was very attractive. Tasha wears her hair straight with bangs 
tapering down around her forehead almost invading her 
cheeks.  Her eyes were big, dark and wide, the look was 
piercing. Her other features were very feminine with high 
cheekbones and surprisingly pert nose. Her lips were full with 
little to no makeup on. She was a pretty girl in the face, with 
slender shoulders, but a very tone, lean figure making her 
appear very, very fit. 

And I've rambled enough........finger cramps....ahhhh.......wish 
they were the only kind I got....hahahah.....Aghem.


*********

I love Christmas, mostly because of my religious beliefs, but it's 
the entire 'Season' thing. I am not into buying gifts and stuff; I 
think that's a bunch of marketing bullshit created by businesses 
to increase their bottom line.

Okay, so where was I?

I have a few guy 'acquaintances'. Notice I did not use the word 
friend? I am having to rethink that whole guy-friend thing, that's 
because history has taught me that whenever I try to hang out 
with some guy 'as a friend' he will always try to make a pass at 
me, or has hopes and aspirations of things going beyond 
friendship.

I admit that I enjoy the attention of having someone admire my 
looks, and the years of hard work I had put into this body, it felt 
like a good and flattering thing to have.


**********


"...Misfit, I sit...Lit up, wicked..."
		-No Doubt


**********


I'm BACK with more of my insanely boring ramblings and 
whatever lessons life has taught me.

This writing thing is a snap! I don't understand why writers 
bellyache about all that bull crap 'Writer's Block'.

Every New Year, the gym is flooded with new memberships as 
work-out-wanna-be sign up due to a New Year's resolution, or 
maybe they were given a gym membership for Christmas or to 
shake off the winter blues. But no matter what day or time I go, 
I have to navigate thru crowds of people to get from the 
entrance, to the locker room and forget about the weight room, 
also too over crowded. Even if I do have many friends why do I 
feel like a social outcast in everything I do? Outcast is the one 
word that seems to best suit me, an outcast, but there is the 
part of me that likes that while the other part of me hates that 
because it causes me so much grief. My tendency to isolate 
myself is what causes too many people to label me as being; 
stuck up, aloof, (Well I've been over this before so no sense 
rehashing it). I'll just end by saying this, about 70% of all the 
new faces at the gym will disappear come spring and 
summer...it always happens that way...they start out strong but 
end up fading away.

"Ohhhhh boo hoo hoo, why can't I shed the pounds, why can't I 
stay on my diet, why can't I get my body to look like that girl's 
(meaning me) ohhhhhhh, Waaa! Waaa!...Boo Hoo Hoo" 

Cry me a river you wimps, it's called willpower. You focus on 
your goal and you just do it, you don't have to like it, you just do 
it and stick with it. But I guess your couch and that super-size-
helping of fries has more willpower then you do.


**********


When we last left our heroine (that's me), I had just left a 
potentially volatile situation. 'What situation is that?' you may 
ask, because most likely you forgot or don't care or whatever! 

Anyway, the situation is where I have Tasha tied up like a 
pretzel on the ground, choking as she babbles out her 
apologies, while my other hand works to valiantly keep the hem 
of my dress from exposing my privates.

That didn't happen, although in the back of my mind I sort of 
think she deserved a good beat-down during our initial meeting.


**********


Courage
Integrity
Dignity
Self Respect
And respect towards others...

Above all that I try to remain humble. 

This is what I try to live by, although one might not come to that 
conclusion about me if you have been reading along, but If 
there is one thing I have learned, you had better self-inflict that 
trait of being 'humble' on yourself or life has a way of teaching 
you how to be humble. I would rather teach myself then have 
life humiliate me in front of a bunch of people. For example, last 
winter I was walking to my car and started to believe that the 
slippery qualities of ice have no affect on me, and then I was on 
my ass in front of a bunch of people in the parking lot. Three 
guys were there to assist (nice to be a girl sometimes) even if I 
was probably stronger then all three combined, I did enjoy the 
lavish attention as they competed to be the first one that helped 
me to my feet.

While I may bellyache about the men and women I encounter 
on a daily basis, I believe that the forces of good outnumber the 
bad, that most men and women do try to attain the above 
aforementioned qualities. But sadly, it's only the bad apples you 
hear about in the media, rarely the achievements of the good or 
the wholesome. If you watch even a little television you would 
probably assume that the world is full of nothing but 
underachievers and girls/guys gone wild, yet I believe that is 
only a small minority of the population.

When I was still in College (which wasn't that long ago) most of 
the girls I knew kept their heads down and focused on studying. 
Yes we partied and dated, but my friends and I were not the 
whore mongers that MTV makes this generation out to be. We 
did not binge drink and we did not sleep around, and not just 
my friends but a lot of guys and girls I knew acted with self 
respect.


*****


As I may have mentioned, right out of College I went to work for 
an Insurance Company in their Actuarial department. I was very 
good with statistics and crunching numbers believe it or not. It 
was an insanely boring job, but it paid very well and the 
benefits were outstanding. The company supplied me with my 
own laptop, which I carried with me everywhere I went. I got 
some pleasure out of mocking the guys in my department who 
complained about how heavy the laptop bag was when filled 
with all of their junk. Heavy? You must be kidding me, what a 
bunch of wimps! But then again these guys were poster 
children for the pale, weak and anemic, so having me around 
the office was somewhat of a delight for them.

Take this jewel of a moment, when several guys were 
discussing how to slide a large file cabinet several feet down 
the hallway. So they were putting forth a great deal of energy in 
talking about how to move it, could they even move it, and how 
heavy was it, all without ever TRYING to move it. I was 
eavesdropping on all of this from my office only about a few 
yards away, but I just had to go over and see this first hand. By 
the time I worked my way over it was obvious they were now 
ready to give up and call 'Administrative Services' and have 
some movers come up to the sixth floor and jack the thing up 
with one of those hydraulic hand carts.

Now nothing gets me more fired up then people who waste 
time, so I'm now ignoring their conversation and studying the 
subject of this massive discussion. I'm looking at this hulking 
cabinet, it's made by HON and it's one of those large, metal, 
lateral file cabinets that is also designed to be fire resistant. It's 
slightly taller then I am, and I stand about 6' tall, and it's about 
8' wide, and I know it's bulging with files. Maybe they're right, 
the thing looks damn heavy, but fuck it and I walk over to the 
left side and start to adjust my feet, this may not go to well 
because I had on some nice shoes that did not have much grip 
on the soles. Also, did I mention there are no feet or rollers on 
this 
thing?

"Don't bother Corbin, were going to put a call into...."

"How far?" I grunt and began to push. I wasn't going to throw 
everything I had into it; I was dressed nice and didn't want to 
break into a stinky sweat.

"No, no, don't hurt yourself! Let us help!" The guys were calling 
out, more of a panic in the sense that they might have to do 
some physical labor or maybe because some girl was showing 
them up?

"How far?" I huffed, getting impatient and I'll be damned, that 
thing started to creak and I really leaned into it now. With a 
sudden jolt, the base skidded a few inches and I knew I had to 
keep up the momentum cause one little snag on the carpet and 
it would leave a nice little rip.

"It's going to rip the carpet!" One of the adorable geeks yelped.

"It'll be fine." I sighed.

"Okay, okay that's good." I heard one guy say after I had 
pushed the thing several feet down the hall. In fact, I noticed 
that it had gotten pretty darn quiet as about five of the guys 
simply stood there looking at me. But it wasn't until I followed 
their line of sight that I saw it was my arms they were looking at 
as I remained leaning against the side of the cabinet. 
Apparently the effort had swelled my triceps and forearms up 
just a little and if there is one thing I am blessed with, is an 
incredible muscular definition throughout my entire body. 

"What?" I awkwardly mumbled and just dropped my arms to my 
side. A few of the guys realized what they were doing and kind 
of milled about trying to play off the moment. 

"We have our own moving department in Corbin!" Nick piped 
up in an attempt at humor, which did get a round of laughter 
from everyone. Nick was cool, he was short, thin and a self 
admitted weakling, he took that in great stride and had a great 
sense of humor about it. He didn't try and act manly, he knew 
his limitations and recognized the fact I could probably squash 
him easily, a part of me suspected that he would enjoy that a 
great deal. The other guys appeared to be going thru various 
stages of macho self doubt, how could I just plow this cabinet 
down the hall, single handedly, while it's sheer size and 
presence had intimidated them into inactivity.

"How much can you lift?" 

Ahhhhh, crap! I knew that question was coming, that is one of 
the first questions guys always ask. I shrugged and walked 
back to my office, "I don't' know." They always hate it when I tell 
them I don't know, "I don't keep track 
of that stuff." 

So now, I have this legion of followers and fans that follow me 
back to my office. I suspected I should have just closed the 
door and not helped, but I smoothed out my skirt and sat down 
behind my desk. I did the polite thing and chatted with the guys 
until it became clear I wanted to get back to work. I admit, I 
enjoyed my reign of power while working in that office, we used 
to go on team outings and the Director even got these slugs out 
to play volleyball when the weather got warm. I love volleyball 
and had to restrain my efforts as I easily pulverized my 
opponents, smashing the ball into some guy's face who has 
little to no athletic ability can be dangerous. Eventually, I got 
saddled with all of the worst players but I could still carry my 
team to victory every time, it did mean I would have to exert 
and sweat my butt off a bit more, but then again maybe that's 
what the guys loved to see me do.

I tried to get these goobers to play soccer, but forget that, it 
required way too much physical effort and skill. 

It's rather hard to describe, the only thing that made this job 
bearable was the amount of respect my peers gave me. Based 
first and foremost on my physical appearance and abilities, 
then my skills on the job. I didn't mind that order 
of things because like I said, I started to enjoy the insulating 
effect this hero worshiping was starting to have.

Come the month of May in North Carolina, it can get pretty hot, 
and being so active, I am usually forced to wear clothes that 
help keep me cool. Fewer clothes means more skin, more skin 
means lot's of attention from guys and some women, but there 
were times when I just would sweat it out and where the lightest 
long sleeve shirt I could. One particular problem I was starting 
to have was with the width of my shoulders, a serious downside 
to having a body that responds so well to exercise and weight 
lifting. 

So there you have it, I had a nice little job right out of college, 
Sharon was dating her new guy Paul, so everything seemed 
just picture perfect...right? Wrong! You have to remember, my 
life is a story of ultimate tragedy, (I like how that sounds very 
dramatic). I know stupid silly stuff for sure, it's not like I am sick 
or anything, and I know people that are out there having REAL 
problems to confront and mine are strictly of a social nature. 
But take it or leave it, that's my world.


**********


Because I am blonde it allows me the excuse of being totally 
'out of it', so when things blind side me I can say I was 'Blonde 
Sided' :) you like that saying? I should have it registered, or 
patented or something, although I am not the creator.


**********


I was a ragging bitch at the gym yesterday (time of the month). 
I have become fed up with people that 'hang out' and 'sit 
around' on equipment while socializing. The worse offenders 
are the ones that prop themselves up on some equipment with 
no intention of exercising, they are just sitting and waiting for 
their boyfriend or girlfriend to finish their workout on some 
adjacent piece of equipment.

So I stretch while waiting for this scrawny, blonde, idiot girl to 
un-mount herself from the sit-up bench I don't know the fucking 
techno name, so I call it the sit-up bench cause that is what it's 
for. She is just sitting on it, not doing sit-ups, not doing 
anything, for like ten damn minutes! So I am on the ground 
nearby stretching out, facing the wall so guys don't stare at my 
crotch while I spread my legs out. I'm wearing knee length 
shorts, but guys pretend they have x-ray vision and stare 
anyway, or try and get a shot of cleavage or something. 
Anyway, back to the reason why I am beginning to implode, this 
dumb-shit is sitting like a statue on this equipment. Well, my 
imploding has nowhere else to go, so I must vent and stand up 
and turn towards this stick figure with big fake boobs, all 
dressed up in her tight pink sweat-pants and pink T-shirt and I 
say: 
"Would you mind removing yourself so I can use it to workout."

"You can ask nicely." She slowly stands up in a huff. She's 
about my height, but there's no doubt I can wad her up like a 
paper cup and stuff her into the waste basket.

"If you want to lay around you can park your ass up front where 
the lounge area is." I snap back.

"Whatever! God you're a bitch!" She huffs and walks off.

Now I am happy, smiling as I begin doing my sit-ups. Some 
people carry anger and frustration with them all day long, I 
usually let stuff go and tune it out, or channel it into my workout. 
I assume she ran off and blabbed to her boyfriend, cause now 
she is following some guy around and he's shooting me these 
hard, tough, chest-thumping looks. I offer up a few smirks in his 
direction, something I do to bait someone and find out if they 
are all bark, so what did tough guy do? I'll tell you what he did, 
nothing! Little punk, he was all bark...oh well, I was in the mood 
to vent some more too. I was hoping tough-boy was going to 
say something to me, actually he was probably thinking about 
asking me out on a date :) 

God I can have such a swelled head sometimes. 

Next time, I'll have to tell you kind readers about the click of 
girl's at my gym that have formed the official anti-Corbin 
league. As if I don't have enough shit to put up with! (Actually I 
don't, my life is pretty easy going, but that sounded good as I 
was typing.)


**********


"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is 
essential is invisible to the eye."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery


**********


If any of you find that I am repeating myself as I begin one of 
my rants....tough shit! 

Most of you slackers are probably couch potatoes anyway and 
willingly watch re-runs on the TV, so what's the big deal? A re-
run of my yapping is better then any TV show!

As I have probably indicated previously, I love the 'Heat'. No 
you goobers, not the Miami Heat basketball team...but the 
Summer HEAT! It really irritates me when people say things 
like....
"Gee, it's going to be a hot one today."  
Oh yeah? Really? A hot one? No shit Sherlock! It's summer 
time...and it's going to 
stay hot for the next few months...SO STOP TALKING ABOUT 
HOW HOT IT IS! Morons!

I've given up on TV all together, what little watching I did I can 
no longer stomach. The fake 24/hr Cable News Channels, 
feeding us preprocessed bullshit that doesn't matter. Politicians 
that lie every time they open they're mouths, living off the fat of 
land from some bill they passed in the middle of the night so 
they will be taken care of while the rest of us rot on a corrupt 
social security platform that's regurgitated come every fucking 
election. Or hold some bullshit hearings on Steroids in baseball 
when no one gives a damn, all the while people are dying of 
diseases as Pharmaceutical companies hold back on delivering 
drugs to the market because it's not the right time financially to 
release it to the market, and because they make more money 
off of perpetuating the myth that they're is no cure for the 
common cold because they reap so much money from selling 
their crappy over the counter cold treatments.

***WHEW*** I feel better now.

Class dismissed.


**********


I bitch endlessly about going to any type of social activity.  
Although, once I get there I normally have a great time. Pretty 
screwy huh? 

Anyway, I actually was looking forward to going out to this 
particular party as it was a much needed distraction, and most 
important of all, Nikki was meeting me there! So 'duh' of course 
I was already pumped to go!

But let's switch gears to my main concern at this moment, what 
to wear, I decided on something a bit sexier than my usual 
attire, opening my closet I pulled down a thin, very skimpy silk 
dress.  Holding it up to my body the dress stopped about mid 
thigh, pretty short, I neatly laid that on the bed.  Reaching for 
the dresser drawer, I picked out a white silk thong and laid 
them down next to the dress and lined up a pair of shoes on the 
floor. It looked almost too good to put on, but I knew it would 
look much better when it was actually on me. :)

The shower was far more relaxing then I could have 
anticipated, I had to focus a little and shift gears, something I 
had to force myself to do, 'Must get into social-mode' I am now 
telling myself while attempting to primp a little, which didn't 
come so easy for me. Most times Sharon would have to help 
me with my hair and makeup or it would take me forever to 
finish up. Finally I was ready and pulled on my white thong, 
maneuvering my thighs and hips to let the elastic material settle 
in.  Picking up the dress next, I awkwardly slipped the dress 
down over my head and shoulders. Basically it was easy, 
letting the thin fabric fall down and over my hips, with some 
minor adjustments around the breast area. I loved how the 
pinkish color of that dress helped to accent my tan legs and 
arms.  I have to admit, I felt sexually adventures and daring 
going without a bra and such small panties, especially in such a 
snug short dress, but the top of the dress had enough lining 
that my nipples wouldn't stab any eyes out. But it felt very 
sensual the way the fabric clung to every curve of my 
practically naked body, and even felt somewhat vulnerable at 
such exposure, something I am not at all accustomed to, but 
love the feeling of!

"WOW! Holy Shit!" Sharon's voice startled me from behind. I 
couldn't help but smile as I carefully applied a little lipstick. 
"Truly stunning, you are such a beautiful girl Corbin!" Sharon 
kept shaking her head as she walked up behind me and rubbed 
my bare shoulders.

"Thanks Sharon."
 
"God I hate you!" Sharon smiled and flicked a finger at my skin 
playfully which almost made me laugh.

When we finally arrived at the party the first thing I noticed was 
how elegant and beautiful the house was, Sharon wasn't joking 
when she bragged about this place! I mustered my best 
socializing personality as I made my way thru the crowd, but I 
am terrible at maintaining a casual conversation. Call it 
rude/selfish/A.D.D. whatever, I've pissed a few people off while 
chatting with them while my gaze drifts into space or I'll find 
swirling the wine in my glass to be more entertaining then the 
person I am speaking to.

Thankfully it wasn't long before Nikki arrived, I almost dropped 
my glass of wine at the sight of her. You see, there is gorgeous 
and then there is off-the-chart, drop-dead sexy, gorgeous. (The 
latter part would be Nik) I literally caught my own breath for a 
second, and no exaggeration on my part when I say every guy 
in the room stopped talking and stared. Her form fitting, short 
black dress, even shorter than mine was putting her dark olive 
skin well on display, especially those toned bare legs of hers, a 
pair of legs attached to a butt so sensually perfect that she is 
inundated with modeling offers (I mean not only for 'that' part of 
her anatomy, but you get my point assuming I actually have 
one.)

The hostess approached Nik first (The Hostess was hanging 
out greeting guests anyway so don't think she rushed to the 
front just for Nikki) then a few more people (rabid ass-kissing 
guys) swarmed in.

Now I could barely even see her, this is getting fucking 
ridiculous!

"Your beautiful." A slightly husky, but feminine, voice came from 
my right. 

FUCK OFF! And this offending person received a severe 
backhanded smack!

No, not really. But that was what I was thinking.

I turned my head and there stood this very handsome girl with 
short dark brown hair, fashioned in a very masculine way, 
slicked straight back, it was very sexy. She was wearing a big 
collared, white button down shirt, but it was unbuttoned almost 
all the way down the front showing off the fact she was not 
wearing a bra and didn't need to, with a pair of black pants, 
snug at the top and flared at the bottom. At least she wasn't 
groping me, she didn't need to, her eyes were doing the 
groping and undressing. Usually it was the guys doing this, so I 
was intrigued by this woman.

"Thank you." I said and took a sizable gulp of my wine, this for 
some reason made the girl smile a little.

"My name is Sandra." and she stepped in closer while 
extending her hand.

"I'm Corbin." I shake her hand, no firm grip from this girl, she 
gently squeezes, almost massages my palm and keeps holding 
my hand firmly but gently. And I don't mind so much, our touch 
is electric.

"Are you alone?" Sandra asks. My fingers go slack indicating 
my end of the handshake is over and she slowly gets the hint, 
reluctantly letting go.

"My girlfriend just arrived." I smiled and glance over making eye 
contact with Nikki who has managed to untangle herself from a 
throng of salivating males, "But she is more the just my 
girlfriend, she's my lover." My heart palpitates as I say this, I 
still get excited whenever I announce to a total stranger that I 
was in love with another girl. Sandra's reaction was easy to 
read, her light brown eyes get this excited expression, her smile 
turns up a few watts and she looks about ready to speak but is 
cut short by Nikki's sudden appearance.

Now Sandra was speechless. 

"Hi love." Nikki sighs with a look of relief as we step in to give 
each other a long, soothing hug, "You look stunning, absolutely 
radiant." Nikki smiles and looks me up and down as she leans 
away.

"Thank you," I gush like some fool and even turn a shade of 
red, "You're looking as beautiful and sexy as ever, you have the 
whole room mesmerized." I gesture out to the people around 
us. I then politely introduce Sandra, who then admits to Nikki 
that she was trying to hit on me! Sandra's sudden honesty 
elicited genuine smiles and laughs from all three of us.

"You are one of the most exotic, beautiful women I have ever 
seen." Sandra says to Nikki who simply smiles a little.

"That is such a kind thing for you to say." Nikki replies.

"Corbin says you two are lovers." Sandra says boldly but 
looking a little flustered herself. Now it's Nikki's turn to blush as 
her cheeks turn bright red, I feel her right hand move to wrap 
around the back of my waist pulling our hips in tighter. 

"Yes." Nikki says with a glowing smile.

Sandra's fingers of her left hand danced up and down her bare 
chest in a very alluring manner. It was a subtle, sensual gesture 
and deftly talked around the sexual vibe she was putting off 
toward me.

Sandra was so smooth in her very forthright manner that Nikki 
and I didn't seem all that phased or insulted. We are frequently 
on the receiving end of many, many offers for threesomes, 
foursomes. If you can think it up it has been offered to us. 

Nikki gently squeezes my waist as I wrap my left arm around 
her waist, but we both warmed up to Sandra quickly. So we 
initiated a social threesome at the party with Sandra, although 
the elephant in the room was a sexual threesome Sandra was 
after.

Sandra is a great woman. Beautiful, smart and funny. Her 
honesty was refreshing. We befriended her quickly and things 
seemed to take off from there.

Later, after the party ended, Sandra asked if we wanted to both 
come back to her place. Ah, there it is, the moment of truth. If 
there was ever room for a third person in our relationship, and 
lovemaking, it would be Sandra. But Nikki and I are strictly 
monogamous. We might flirt with other people, indulge in some 
suggestive dancing, but at the end of the day and night, there is 
only the two of us. 


**********


Nikki and I find a remote corner of the house to talk the privacy 
was nice, we liked to speak in very close-quarters so as not to 
draw lingering stairs.

Wetting my lips with my tongue I make a sad pouting face. 
Nikki just sighed and rubbed her bare thigh against mine her 
left hand stroked my right arm. We simply stared at one another 
in silence. I leaned in to kiss her on the lips I did so lightly, so 
our lipstick wouldn't smear. I felt Nik nudge her knee at my 
inner thighs and I shifted my legs apart to give her better 
access, I moaned as her leg brushed against the thin panty-
lining that covered my crotch. We stayed like that for what 
seemed like a long time, subtle touches that had both of us 
panting and wet between our legs. Initially I wasn't even aware 
that I was slightly grinding my crotch against her bare upper 
thigh. 

My back tingled with excitement. Nikki lightly dragged her nails 
up my thigh, touching the hem of my dress, pausing before 
pulling it up to revel more of my skin. "I want to rip your 
underwear off right now." she whispers as her nails dig a little 
more into the side of my hips. Now my dress is hiked up 
dangerously high showing off my right butt cheek.

I swallow hard and whisper back, "Do it."

Nikki smiles a little at my banter and leans in, teasing my lips 
with hers, "I will, that I can promise you." and she lets the hem 
of my dress lower.

Needless to say I was going back to Nikki's apartment, that is 
what I wanted and that is what she wanted.


**********



  
Corbin_Chapter_15