College 21
By Corbin
How life tests the endurance, patience, and sometimes faith of one young woman.

**********
 
So anyway, I'm in a pretty good mood today, actually I am a very laid-
back-happy-go-lucky-easy-going person, yeah I know you don't believe 
me. Based on all of the ranting and raving I've done one might think I walk 
around perpetually pissed off. 
 
Not true at all!
 
Well, I was at the gym last night, actually it was a pretty sad workout on 
my part, my body just felt tapped out so I took it easy and will most likely 
take tonight off and maybe tomorrow, I need at least a couple of days to 
let the body recuperate.
 
Oh, so anyway the point I was going to make was this! There was a guy at 
the gym last night, looks about my age, early 20's and damn cute...I mean 
tall, fit, okay pretty hot looking when you get right down to it. I've only 
seen him a few times, fairly new I think, anyways we make eye contact a 
few times (yes I am guilty of flirting with him by making eye contact and 
smiling) just a small smile that's the extent of my ability to flirt, a smile or 
a glance or two, that's it. (Yeah, yeah, Nikki and I are as committed as any two 
people ever could be. But you know, it's like being on a diet, I can still look 
at the menu right? But then again I don't diet...so I'm not sure that was a good 
analogy? But...anyway I'm rambling again...what was I saying??) Oh yeah! Before 
now I've paid him little attention, just you know sizing him up and such, going 
thru my mental list of checks and balances.
 
So he sits up after doing a few reps on the bench press and leans forward, 
his short sleeve shirt moves up about an inch on his right arm...and...FUDGE 
CRAKERS!!!! he has a tattoo. 

PHOEY! 

Granted it's not a big tattoo, but still, very annoying and I leave the weight 
room, I was almost done anyway. I am bummed now because I have a rule against 
dating guys/girls with tattoos. And I should know better then to EVER eye-engage the 
opposite sex! Cause now he looks at me every time I enter the gym, I just avoid his 
gaze. 

I know I've mentioned this before, but for some reason I can't seem to stop fixating 
on it when around someone...fixating as in I want to grab a bottle of Windex and try 
to rub the damn thing off. Tattoos remind me of a smudge of dirt that needs to be 
cleaned off.  I've gotten my share of grief from guys and girls, most don't push the 
issue when I tell them I am not interested, but when pressed I will tell them the 
truth. Their reaction varies greatly, some actually offer to have it removed...some 
think I'm kidding and others get down right pissed, calling me 'Stuck up', 'Snob', 
'Who are you to judge someone based on something so superficial' and so on, but I 
don't respond, I just stand there and listen until they finish, then ask: "Feel 
better now?" and walk off, sometimes catching the occasional 'Bitch' as I walk away. 
To me, tattoos reek of some deeper-rooted emotional baggage that I just don't want 
to deal with. (I should have been a Psychiatrist, but then I would probably 
end up counseling myself...only to turn around and have myself 
committed!...HAHAHA...okay...I thought it was funny).
 
Well, on with this super-charged, highly rated life of mine!

**********
 
To say the day started out great is not entirely true, I was a basket case 
by mid morning. I couldn't keep my arms and legs from trembling as I sat 
in that damn chair. There was this mirror right in front of me but I really 
wasn't looking at my reflection as much as I was trying to envision what I 
was about to look like. Sharon was standing off to my right, speaking with 
the hairdresser explaining what the cut should look like and the whole time 
I could feel my stomach twisting as I watched Sharon draw invisible lines 
along my neck and face.

"Shit that's allot of hair!" I mumbled it out loud in despair.
 
"Everything's going to be okay, you're going to look wonderful" I felt the 
hairstylist lean in close, her warm reassuring voice entering my left ear 
canal, but it did very little to ease my concerns.
 
"Don't worry strong girl, you won't loose all of your strength when your 
hair is cut." Sharon rubbed my right shoulder, ever trying to bring some 
lightheartedness into the moment and I smiled. 'Uh oh! My cheeks are 
trembling...that's a bad sign, it means I'm going to cry!' Good grief I feel 
pathetic, about to ball because my long blonde hair was getting cropped 
about shoulder length.
 
Snip...snip...snip....and sure enough, the next thing I knew my right hand 
was brushing the tears off my cheeks as my hair floated away, down to the 
ground below. I have to say, it helped that the woman cutting my hair was 
such an artist, it was a helpful distraction to watch as she sculpted, cut, 
slashed and shaped my locks of hair. She was so graceful with the scissors 
and razor that I became momentarily mesmerized by the flashing metal 
reflecting off the overhead lights. 
 
Now why would going from totally unmanaged and unkempt, to something 
smooth, shapely and glamorous cause my insides to flip-flop? I didn't know 
for sure, but as the hours wore on that day I felt my body slowly succumb 
to the delicious body treatment that ensued. Pedicure, Manicure, Facial, 
Makeup, Hair...after all, it was a full service salon and Sharon had outdone 
herself in making sure I was well taken care of.
 
'But who am I kidding? I knew for damn sure that there was no way I was 
going to be able to maintain this level of style, but for one night I did my 
best to pull it all together:
 
1 'Convertible' bra cause I'm wearing a strapless dress.

1 Pair of Black Evening Sandals (Oh shit, high heels! Please lord, don't let 
me make an ass of myself).

1 Diamante v-string thong (Mmmmm, I don't normally like thongs, but 
damn I looked incredibly sexy in it and it felt good under the gown).

1 Micro-Fleece Classic Gown, slits going up the left and right side, but not 
that high.
 
READY TO GO!! (I won't bore you with the makeup, shaving, and other personal 
attention that goes into making us look nice for you guys.)
 
"Hey! I look pretty damn hot!" I blurted out in front of the full length 
mirror, turning to the left, then to the right several times, taking small 
steps as if fearful the image was a mirage. In truth, I barely recognized 
myself, my hair had that radiant sheen and I simply couldn't stop smiling, 
also I was proud for once at having decent size breasts which really 
sealed-the-deal with this particular dress. My cleavage was going to be on 
display tonight for sure.
 
Sharon stood off to one side nodding her head with approval, extremely 
impressed with my outcome, almost feeling like some proud parent.

"Now I expect you go back to your usual grungy apparel after tonight." Sharon 
sighed as we headed out.
 
"Now I didn't expect that!" I looked over with a bit of genuine surprise 
expecting just the opposite. That she would demand I keep up this level of 
appearance forever.
 
"I can't have the competition, you look too damn good." Sharon groaned 
and she was not completely joking either, normally Sharon had to be the 
center of attention, but she set about privately quelling her bitchiness. 
But she was damn sure to get credit for my makeover.
 
Well it was one of the best nights of my life, a firestorm of attention from 
guys and girls (even if some the compliments were fake/superficial cause I 
knew some of these girls disliked me), but all the girls complimented my 
appearance in the end. Everything was paying off it seemed, my hard work 
in the gym had given my body that defined, almost hard physique that was 
nicely shown off in the dress; being strapless my neck, shoulders and arms 
were on display, and the sexiest part was the slit up the side of the gown 
showing off my calves and thighs. For once I relished every bit of it and 
oddly enough, the intense male attention didn't seem to bother Dale, in fact 
it only pumped his pride and ego up even further.
 
My balancing act with the heels was a success, partly due to the fact that I 
did not have anything to drink that night, it kind of sucked not to drink but 
you know I really didn't need it, I had a great time no matter what. 

"Things are winding down, do you want to head on up?" Dale whispered as 
he slid his right arm around my back and pulled me in close.
 
"Sure" I sighed, I was getting sleepy anyway WHOOOAAAA! What did he just say?
"What? Go up where?" I suddenly looked over at him, we were almost eye 
level now with my heels.
 
"I got us a room for the night." Dale smiled casually, "I can't wait to peel 
this dress off your hot body. Besides it's late and I thought it would be 
convenient and romantic to have our own room tonight."
 
I was a bit speechless, on one hand it made sense and did sound romantic, 
after all the event was being hosted by one of the really nice hotels in the 
area. 'But I know he's up to something' my mind continued to suspect as I 
felt his hands caressing up and down my waist, pulling me in closer.
 
"Just come on up and see." Dale smiled mischievously.
 
So I did, we walked up the spiral staircase to the second floor, needless to 
say my heart was pounding furiously as my mind played tricks on me. 'Am 
I actually second guessing myself? No, he's not asking for sex, but the plan 
is obvious.' I continued to wrestle with things emotionally.

NO! I think as we approached the door to our room. 'We will sleep in the same bed, 
but no sex!' There, done deal! My willpower can overcome all!
 
He slipped the key card in and the light turned green, 'Bingo we were in! 
And that sneaky devil had been planning something for sure.'  Well I just 
walked into that room, took a look around and burst into tears, it was a 
beautiful sight to behold!

"Why are you crying!" He rushed over.
 
"No one's ever done anything like this for me." I babbled as my tear 
blurred eyes swept across the room. The lights were low and some 
beautifully romantic music played in the background. But I think it was the 
rose pedals...they formed a trail from the door, up to the bed and were 
carefully littered all about while a huge arrangement of red roses sat on 
the nearby dresser. Actually, I've had allot of guys in High School and College try 
to romance me away from my boyfriends, all sorts of elaborate stunts, holding up big 
signs at Gymnastic and Soccer meets, saying things like "I love you Corbin!", "Will 
you marry me!!??" how embarrassing!

So my guard was down and my emotions were running high. Also, did I say 'NO' a few 
lines ago about making love? Well now my body and mind want to make love to this 
man! 'But I can't!' Oh well, once again my body, mind, and all that other 
psychological stuff goes to war.
 
"Oh baby." He sighed and pulled me into this incredibly warm embrace, our 
bodies were on fire...errr...make that MY body was on fire. Dale was 
pushing all the right buttons tonight and I was almost ready to just give 
myself over to him, to consummate our relationship, to let him take me 
and make love to me all night. I wanted it...I wanted him...I wanted him in 
me, on top of me...you name it. I knew my body was into it as I realized I 
was involuntarily grinding my crotch against his and that set off a chain 
reaction on both our parts. His hands moved down and cupped my ass, 
squeezing firmly as our mouths mated against one another, god it was 
hot...we were hot for each other. I was so on the verge of telling him to take 
me, to take my virginity that night.
 
'Shit I'm going to ruin the dress!' My mind screamed as we pulled and 
ground against one another, standing in the middle of the room, 'Of fuck 
the dress!' I sighed and gave in. We carefully guided one another to the 
bed and I took the initiative by pushing him towards the bed, the back of 
his knees hit the edge of the mattress and he sat down breaking off the 
kiss. He looked up at me and then began to lie back, pulling me down on 
top of him. The dress was getting in the way so I began to hike it up high 
on my legs so I could straddle his waist, and I think that's when he thought 
I had given him the green light. I suppose I can understand his view on 
things as I was responding to everything at this point and being pretty 
aggressive myself.
 
Damn, he is quick!
 
He had that zipper down, belt unbuckled and penis out in seconds, the 
touch against my inner thighs was startling at first but I was still into 
kissing and his touches, so I let it slide for the moment. I felt him try to 
move a little lower and get 'into position', yet I still didn't say or do 
anything to stop him. I felt the nudging of the crown of his penis against my 
crotch causing me to moan, rather unexpectedly and loudly at that, but he wasn't 
going to get very far anyway as I still had my underwear on. I felt the track of 
his hand, moving up my leg and then under my dress, searching for something, to 
remove that final barrier with his deft fingers that ran along the trim of my 
panties, gliding along until they reached my crotch. He gently traced 
the outline of my labia thru the fabric, no amateurish poking or prodding, but 
soft pleasurable strokes that kept putting my resolve in question. 
 
"Dale." I whimpered.
 
"What." He gasped in my ear as he nibbled on my earlobe.
 
"We need to slow down." I moaned, it was a weak effort, but I was prepared to be 
more resolute if necessary. My willpower, my plan had once again risen to the 
challenge and held off temptation. I'm still not sure what clicked or caused me to 
put the breaks on in these situation, because you see at that point my entire body 
was hot, so horny and I was soaking wet between the legs that it felt like some 
animalistic urge was taking me over. I wanted to rip my clothes off and his, and not 
just to make love, but to dominate, to utterly and sexually dominate him. 'God what 
has gotten into me?'

'But wait, that isn't part of my plan...my life long plan...my dream...' my 
logical, emotional, and sexual desires all argued with one another, struggling 
to take control of the moment. 
 
"What do you mean?" He groaned and continued to press the length of his 
penis against my crotch and I knew he was feeling it now, that small strip of 
silk that was now soaked with my lust.
 
"You know I want to wait." I said and there it was, something clicked 
emotionally, psychologically, whatever you want to call it, I think I broke the 
spell in his head as he became a little detached. I pulled away and looked into 
his eyes, "I'm sorry, but..." He wouldn't look my in the eyes and I knew he 
was miffed.
 
"But?" He said almost above a whisper.
 
"But..." I groaned and slowly swung my left leg over the top of his body as 
I laid down next to him on his left, 'Holy shit, his penis was as big as I 
could ever remember, fucking enormous! Poor guy, I mean he was aching 
so bad for it and my body got aroused just looking at it. Slowly I reached over 
with my left hand and gently began to stroke his shaft causing his back to arch 
and a moan to come from his mouth. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and 
struggled to get back on track, "...you know I want to wait."
 
"Oh I know!" He grumbled, "It's just frustrating that's all." He complained 
and wiped the sweat off his forehead and cheek as his body slowly churned to the 
stimulation I was giving his erection.
 
"Look..." I tried to smile and save the moment, 'I couldn't take my eyes off 
that beautiful penis, with its blossoming head and thick veins running up its 
length. Damn, my insides was almost throbbing in sync to his dick.' My heart was 
still pumping so hard that my eardrums pounded. 

"Look, I can..."
  
"Give me another hand job?" He shot me this really irritated look now, like 
he was getting sick and tired of it. "Sorry" He mumbled and looked away.
 
"You should be." I snapped and jerked my hand away so as to stand up, reaching 
down to snatch up my shoes. Now I was coming out of my sexual trance, and that 
pissed me off, ungrateful punk!
 
"What?" He said and sat up, "Where are you going?"
 
"Home, I'm getting sick and tired of this shit coming up all the time!"
 
"Well it's only an issue cause you keep making it one!" He snapped, "What 
more do you want? I love you Corbin! One second your turning me ON, the 
next you're shutting down the whole thing and I'm just suppose to settle 
for some hand job now!" He pleaded, somewhere between being angry and 
sad as he struggled to stand and get his dick back into his pants.
 
"I want it all Dale! Everything! The walk down the aisle, the wedding night, 
the romantic honeymoon! I WANT THE WHOLE FUCKING FAIRTALE!" I cried 
and turned to walk towards the door pausing one more time, "All of this tonight 
is wonderful but I can't take the constant pressure!"
 
"Corbin please stop! Jesus, I'm sorry I just don't know what to do? I'm just 
human, I mean fuck...this is torture!" He pleaded and started to cry too.
 
"Just take me home." and I reached behind my back grabbing the door 
handle and started to open it.
 
"I'm sorry." He whimpered and watching this big strong, beautiful man cry just 
breaks my heart. Head down and face red, he stepped in close to stroke my cheeks 
with his hands. "I love you so much Corbin, I am so deeply in love with you, I'm 
just a big dummy when I comes to talking about these things."

Wow, I've never seen him so emotional, he's gotten weepy and stuff with me 
before, but he was down right sobbing now, and so was I. "Dale, I just don't 
know what more to say." At that moment, things felt so serious between us it 
scared the hell out of me, could this man be my future, my husband to be, father 
to my children (if I ever decide to have kids that is, can't stand the little 
critters for more then an hour or two.)

"Then don't say anything else," he said. 

I let him pull me into a hug and we held each other for a few minutes, we both 
calmed down a little bit, I did not want to be the tough hard ass now, laying 
down the law again. We felt totally in love with one another and needed to work 
thru this like so many other couples have had to deal with it. A part of me 
wanted to shove him away and tell him off, that it was over and I wanted nothing 
more to do with men and their pressures for sex. But the other part of me knew I 
needed to stand with Dale, as a couple, as a man and women and explore what the 
future held for us. Lord only knows, but this hurtle will seem small compared to 
the pain life can dish out. So I wanted to lean on him and have him lean on me.
 
I turned away from him until I was facing the door, my left hand gripping the 
fancy curvature of the Handle, I closed it and turned the lock. Part of me still 
wanted to crawl into my bed at my dorm and sleep off the confusion that comes 
with relationships and love.

"Thank you for staying and believing in us." He whispered.

"I know I am difficult and have high expectations, and can make allot of 
demands." I sighed and tilted my head forward until it met the door. I then felt 
Dale move in close against me from behind, his fingers softly touching and 
massaging my shoulders and neck, it really felt heavenly. Also I think I did not 
yank that door open because I had eagerly been receptive to all of his advances 
and touches, but then as usual I suddenly started to shut it all down. I guess 
our relationship will either get stronger from this point forward or break apart.

His hot breath whispered on my neck, the hairs along my neck stood up in 
response, "Whatever you want if fine with me, but I want us to stay here 
tonight, just let me hold you in my arms." He started to kiss my neck and 
shoulders in a slow and tender manner, I thought of Nikki kissing me, but only 
for a second.

I never answered him, I was tired of talking and just rolled my head to the 
right and sighed. He already knew what my answer was, and slid his hands down 
around my waist and to my stomach pulling me tight against him. It didn't take 
long before the simmering heat that exists between us began to once again 
build into a volcanic thunder. He was grinding his crotch into my butt and I 
was grinding right back as his hands were cupping my breasts thru the dress.

"Unhook me." I moaned and he slowly undid the hooks on my dress, I turned around 
and as we walked back to the bed he began to undress himself. I loved Dale's 
body, he was ripped and has a six pack of abs and wonderful muscles all over, 
without a word spoken I slipped off my dress, my bra and then decided to reveal 
all of my body by pushing off my panties. This was an action that I did not take 
lightly, his eyes went wide absorbing every inch as he had never seen 
me fully nude before. But his look conveyed something else, a look of adoring as 
well as pure lust, looks I've seen many times before.

"My god Corbin, you have the most beautiful body I have ever seen." Dale was 
also now fully nude and his penis as hard as that body of his body. 
Simultaneously we knelt onto the bed and then had the oddest thought, I remembered 
that night in my room, we he asked me to make a muscle with my arm. I smiled and 
spontaneously raised both arms to perform a double bicep pose, twisting my torso 
just a little while flexing my abs. The look on his face was priceless, his eyes got 
wide and he entered into what I call a 'trance like state', his hands immediately 
reached out and touched my stomach, shoulders, and then my biceps, he couldn't get 
enough. 

"God I love this body," He was like a man possessed! "Your so hard, so sexy, so 
amazing!" I then lowered my arms as we moved our knees toward one another, Dale was 
all over me, not clumsy or random, but he wanted to explore and arouse me at the 
same time. He was succeeding on all fronts! The felling of his chest hair across my 
breasts was warm and soothing, his large erection throbbing against my belly sent an 
erotic shiver up my spine. Slowly we started to kiss, open mouths hovering and 
touching, tongues rolling against one another. Our strong bodies lowered to the 
bed, and rolled across the covers while our legs and arms intertwined, I have 
never been totally nude with anyone before and I was trembling as our bodies seemed 
to grind and writhe against one another, almost as if we were wrestling.

I was on top of him now, and could feel his hips push up, the heat between our 
sexes was incredible, in that moment I now felt that incredible chemistry that 
exists between a man and a woman, and how powerful the desire to make love can 
really be. Our kissing never stopped as I reached down between our bodies, I 
cupped the length of his shaft, it felt so hot to the touch and I pressed it 
firmly against the ridges of my lower abs. My action caused him to instantly 
thrust upward, I held it tight against me as I helped him rub his penis between 
my hand and my stomach. The thickness and power of holding his penis was amazing, 
the effect on me was staggering, I had become so wet, at times I thought I could 
literally feel my juices leaking out of my vagina. It was my body reacting to 
this man under me, making itself ready to accept him and I wanted him in me, to 
become apart of me. The same was true for Dale, I could tell it wouldn't be long 
before he was ready to cum, every fiber of his being had but one desire, to be 
inside of me, to hump and thrust against my body, to overcome any barrier and 
restrictions, he would not be satisfied until he had made love to me.

I pulled away some and noticed his face was flushed, beads of sweat covering his 
forehead, he was breathing heavy and seemed to be struggling not to cum yet. "You 
turn me on like no other women I have ever met." He moaned, his hands always seemed 
to gravitate to my breasts and/or butt, or both at the same time, one hand on each 
:).

"Oh God Corbin," He groaned and mumbled something that was slightly incoherent.

I was seriously getting off on this, I looked up and smiled a little at this man 
writhing on the bed, he wanted me so bad, he wanted what I had, but he know I would 
never give it up before marriage. Just then, I had visions of him on his knees 
proposing marriage, then the look on his eyes as he carries me over the threshold 
into a room much like this one. Oh yeah, I was horny as well, I was breathing hard 
and covered in sweat from our making out and pure lust, my left hand had moved down 
under my body and between my legs, 'I am so wet!' I thought, my plentiful juices 
kept me well lubricated as I rubbed on my clit. It took only seconds for a few faint 
shutters to roll thru my body, 'Oh lord' I moaned, did I moan? Or was I thinking 
that in my head? I don't recall and couldn't tell.

I just kept kissing him on the cheek and mouth as I gently massaged his dick between 
our sweat soaked bodies, he suddenly let out this great howl, at moment later his 
crotch thrust upward, repeatedly! I could feel his sperm streaming outward, about 
three more large spurts came forth until his body went limp. I froze, watching his 
amazing body, one minute it looked like high voltage was running thru him, then next 
he was barely moving, it was very surreal. I thought he was actually unconscious for 
a second, he was taking deep breaths as his eyes were shut like he was asleep.

"Dale? You okay?" I whispered and gave him a sharp nudge, I really hoped he was not 
dying on me! That's all I need!

"Yeah, oh yeah, my god Corbin," he smiled, and then I smiled. "I have never cum that 
hard before." Dale sighed, "I can't imagine what making love with you will be like." 

I didn't mind his presumptuous talk, made me feel better to hear it actually, he 
seemed so focused on me and our relationship. With so many duds out there, Dale was 
a real gem, totally loyal and devoted to me. I kissed him some more, "I love you" he 
moaned into my mouth and I responded in kind. I was still laying on top of him, 
slowly letting my weight settle completely, his hands began to stroke my shoulders, 
down my back until they cupped each of my butt cheeks, which he gently stroked as we 
laid there for several minutes. There was a refreshing feeling of freedom, laying 
her totally nude with Dale, I had not even done this with Nikki yet, 'YET!' oh my 
god did that thought just go thru my head?!

"What?" I asked, knowing he had something on his mind.

"How fortunate I am, to have the sexiest girl on campus, laying here in my arms, 
make that the sexiest girl in the world." He said.

"I don't know about that," I blushed and looked away. 'Nikki takes top honors in my 
opinion.' I thought, and thank god I kept that opinion to myself, one little slip up 
and all heck breaks loose.

"Well," he smiled up at me, "I *know* on thing for sure, you have the most perfect, 
sexiest butt I've ever seen on a girl." I just blushed and lowered my head, I am 
still not totally comfortable with such bold compliments. But I still smiled when he 
gave each of my butt cheeks a firm squeeze.

We awoke the next morning, him cradling me in a spoon position, he had a hard-on 
again of course, but I wasn't in the mood. While I was taking a shower (alone!) I 
thought about the night before and realized how people would assume that Dale and I 
had finally gone 'all the way'. It was interesting that so many people were so 
preoccupied with my virginity, in particular it seemed that a large number of girls 
were anxious for me to 'give it up'. But 'sex' is off limits, no oral sex no 
intercourse, no 'sex' of ANY KIND! And don't get me started on butt sex, definitely 
a big NO-NO!

So why is my mood suddenly shifting as I turned off the shower, in a few seconds I 
went from feeling exuberant over Dale, to feeling down, even uneasy about our 
relationship. I reached for the towel and went thru the motions of drying myself 
off, my eyes swept over the marble tiles and countertop in the bathroom, something 
that I was initially so very impressed with, but now it didn't seem so impressive.
I wrapped the towel around my body and sat down on the edge of the bathtub and 
looked down at the ground, watching my toes grip into the small, lush bathmat. 

I whispered *her* name quietly and it even brought a smile to my lips, I shivered 
with anxiety, literally shivered, because I wondered now 'How long do Dale and I 
have left?' before I come to the same realization that Nikki did. My attraction to 
her will end up crashing thru every barrier, destroying everything in its path, 
Nik's current relationship was experiencing that very turmoil. Rob and Nik had dated 
for almost two years now, they are very serious, but Nikki and I kept drifting back 
together, forgetting and pushing away anyone that got in the way. So now, even as I 
sit here, I know Rob and Nik's relationship was in a final tailspin, pieces of 
wreckage spewing all over the place as he desperately fought to keep them together. 
'Did he know?' I wondered, 'He must suspect.' 

Every day she seemed on the verge of tears because the pain it was causing him, and 
here I sit, wiping the tears from my eyes as well, thinking about how the radiant 
joy on Dale's face may one day soon turn to the same agony and sadness on Rob's. 

'Gheesh, get a grip!' I privately complained and stood up, 'I can't even take a 
freaking shower lately without assuming everything is going to end up in some 
terrible mess!'
 
I put on my best face and we went downstairs and had breakfast in the nice 
restaurant and had a long talk. I hoped the evening before would carry over until 
this morning and into the day, but with the new day everything seemed fleeting. 
Especially the closer we got to Campus, my mind was drifting again and my heart, 
body and soul started to long for that someone else. It was a major downer and an 
uplifting feeling all at the same time, how messed up is that!

We both seemed in good spirits as we drove back to my dorm, he wanted to walk me 
up but I said I wanted to take care of some school work. He kissed me repeatedly and 
told me how much he loved me, I smiled and it felt good to hear, but on the way up 
to my room I started to totally zone out, it seemed that I had started to think that 
the entire universe revolves around School, Dating, Sports, parties...whatever...and 
problems can cause a ripple to affect every single activity one participates in, and 
then it feels like the whole world is caving in on you. I really didn't know why I 
was in a sudden funk again, but suddenly I was angry...very angry. Was I being 
overly dramatic? Yeah, but I'm a woman so that is part of the package, I like being 
dramatic sometimes...it's a female thing. Suddenly all of the wonderful lovely 
things we said to one another and promises we made, and the intensity of our 
physical connection from the night before was being set aside. It didn't make 
sense and I didn't want to figure it out, all I wanted to do is shift my 
focus back on school again, working out, my sports, friends...get back into my 
'Safe-Zone'.

*********

Marriage, husband, kids, picket fence and a house suddenly seemed to make me want to 
gag, and it made me angry that I had lost focus.

Yep, easier said then done as I stood back in my dorm room, looking at 
my mirror still all dressed up. Almost ritualistically I slowly peeled the dress 
off of my body, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I pulled a hanger down 
from the closet and gently slipped the dress onto the special hanger that came 
with it, designed so as not to leave marks on the fabric. When I closed the 
door, I again came face to face with myself, this time I was only in my thong 
and bra and I placed my hands on my hips as my eyes slowly swept up and down. I 
was alone, I knew I was alone in the room, but I still had this moment of 
silliness as I raised my left arm up and curled it in, I watched that muscle 
slowly bunch and swell as my fist came in. 'Damn' I thought, for the first time I 
felt like I wanted to appreciate all the work I had put into my body. I posed a few 
times in the mirror, watching and admiring the way all of my muscles etched and 
coiled with definition under my skin as I rotated my upper torso...left to right, 
right to left...'Wow' I thought. 
 
I guess I am fortunate, people have always said I was born with good 
genes, I don't know...I guess...hard work must factor in somewhere right?

I admit, for a few minutes I stood in front of that mirror, taking pride in my 
body...my curves...my muscles. I was very pleased with myself for sticking to my 
beliefs last night, 'no sex'!

Love is such a tormenting emotion, like a rollercoaster ride.

I was once again startled by the short hair on my head, when I looked into the 
bathroom mirror, it caught me off guard, but I smiled at my reflection, it looked 
really nice. My smile was also a reflection of having finally thought thru 
everything that was said and done, and I had no regrets. A night of love making 
would come and go, but it was more important that my standards (or values if you 
prefer) were still intact, the respect I keep for myself is something I will carry 
with me to my grave. My virginity is not to be given away lightly, even though I 
knew Dale was totally committed to me, and things with Sharon were going well and 
the only anxiety seemed to come whenever I thought of Nikki, huh, no surprise there 
I guess. 

These moments alone I often did allot of soul searching, resolutions were made 
and promises to myself were also often committed to. I guess you could say I do 
allot of self consoling.

My cell phone went off and I jerked around, swiped it off my desk and saw Nik's name 
on the display, I instantly smiled and flipped it open, "Yo woman!" I said smartly.

"Yo woman!" Nikki replied, we kind of developed these silly greetings, anyway, "How 
was the weekend?" she asked me next.

Damn! I don't want to talk about that. But I told her about the party, how Dale 
planned a getaway without telling me, and we stayed at the hotel. Nikki got quiet 
and when she did ask about the party her tone was stressed and full of anxiety.
I knew what she was wondering, Nikki and I have this very intense relationship, very 
complex on so many levels. (YIKES! All of the sudden I am now thinking about 
committing myself to a girl for the rest of my life, oh lordy!)

"We didn't make love." I said during a slight pause in the conversation.

"I knew that." She said in a tone that was so sad I almost wanted to cry, she too 
sounded like she wanted to cry, "It's nice hearing you say it, I'm just having an 
insecure moment."

"He wanted to, had hoped that it would happen, but I told him I wanted to wait." I 
can tell Nik was smiling on the other end of the phone now.

"I'm so glad." Nikki said, but it really came out sounding more like a big sigh of 
relief.

I felt my whole face scrunch up tight as the next thought floated thru my brain, I 
resisted the urge to say it, every time I open my mouth I just get drawn deeper into 
something with Nik. 

"What? What are you thinking?" Nikki asked and suddenly we were on that wavelength 
that seemed to exist from the first moment we ever met. I pressed my lips against 
the small plastic receiver and sat down on my bed, "I keep thinking about you, about 
us being together." My breath suddenly got caught up in my chest and I closed my 
eyes, I didn't have the nerve to say it because it still felt so risky.

"I feel the same way love." Nikki almost moaned back into the phone.

Okay, my head is hurting thinking about this!


  
21_College