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1 ...and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make...  The
End
   You have to accept, first of all, that I never intended for any of the
things that happened, to actually happen.  I know I'm still to blame,
because I allowed myself to have the thoughts in the first place, and then
even more so for allowing those thoughts to become actions.  But I swear to
you, I started out normally enough.  My tastes, my preferences, my
sensibilities, were as well-adjusted as the next man, I'm certain of it. 
The only excuse, the only reason I can even approach, is that the
loneliness drove me insane.  I mean that in it's most literal sense.  I was
out of my head with longing and desire, ready to end it all in the
cleanest, least painful way I could find.  The cure that presented itself,
the love I found, did so much to warm the frozen wasteland my heart had
become, that I can only think of it as good, as vital and necessary, even
as I recognize that I need to be punished for it.
   I was 38 and unemployed.  I'd really rather not go into detail about how
I came to be in that spot.  The point is, after eight years of divorce,
bitter bitter loneliness, jobs I hated, and other general kicks in the
crotch from life, I was at the bottom of the barrel.
  
rj_chapter01