10 or something of May, 2001: I don't even really know the day. Actually, I do, but only because I just held my cursor over the little time icon so conveniently located at the bottom right of the screen (thank you Mr. Gates!). It's the tenth of May. Sigh. I think I'm gonna get fired from my job. Why? Well, for starters I just don't feel like going in. I hate working for the man.  But what else is there to do, you know? I hate my life. God I sound like a total depressive-wannabe. Fact is my life is relatively good-- everything I want I get. Sex? All the time. Money? My dad's guilt pays. Drugs? Heh... don't do 'em, but beer 'n booze are handy now that I'm 21 (finally). Rock 'n Roll? Oh baby, you know it! :P Is my life really that bad? Nah... I'm getting a 4.0 in school; I have a decent job; I have a nice family; my friends adore me. I get laid all the time. But it's like... I want more, ya know? "Grass is always greener", I guess. I want excitment! Romance! Eroticism! I'm sick of just reading about it... I want it for real. I'm too shy, though. Too fucking shy . Shrugs. Whatever. life sucks... even when it's good. Time to adjust my medz... later, Mr. Journal.   13 May 2001: Why won't Mr. Rey del Sexo (administrator of asstr-mirror.org) write me back? I'm ready to post this site. Sure, I only have, like, ten stories or so (so far), but I really wanna get it up. All I need is a password, and for that I wait on Mr. del Sexo. Why do I even add entries to this journal? No one can read them. Then again, maybe I don't want anyone to read them. Whatta you think, Mr. Journ? Oh GAWD... don't bring that up. Anyway... I'm a very shy person in real life. Although I love (and I do mean love) sex, I never do anything very kinky. That's where fantasy, and this site, comes in. I've probably had sex with about 5 guys in my whole life-- only once without a condom (I loved him... lol! we were gonna get married! ROFL!!!). I'm kinda bisexual-- I don't mind fantasizing about women, although I've only ever "experimented" once. Cock rules! That should be my slogan. COCK RULES! I'll put that on a tee-shirt. I'm tired. And depressed. I ran out of Prozac this morning. Hate my life. later   16 May 2001: Okay, site still not up. And this time it's not Mr. Rey del Sexo's fault-- it's mine. I got a new computer recently, and it fucked up (kept crashing). Piece of shit!!! I had to re-save all the HTML files and pay to ship back the piece of shit XXXX computer (brand-name censored for fear of lawsuit)! But I should be getting a "replacement" really soon. And a letter of apology from the company, I'm sure. LOL. You know, when I'm at school I have access to a cable modem. Sooooo nice... Here at home, though, I don't. What does that mean? Well basically it means I only get to look at pictures and stories here. Movies are too big... sigh. Can't wait to go back to school. I got addicted to AVI's of guys fucking tiny women with baseball bats and such... gawd, I'm fucked up! Shrugs. My last BF dumped me when I asked him to tie me up Dork, right? PLEASE tell me I'm right... Anyway, I gave a complete stranger a blowjob a couple nights ago. Met him at a party at my friend Laurie's. Right away we got to talking, and at first I thought he was "decent" looking-- as beer after beer passed, tho, I found myself thinking of him as "sexy"... argh. What's wrong with me? Before long we were making out in the backseat of his '96 Ford Taurus (when he just had to show me something back there, I followed... i'm a geek). I don't know what he expected, but for me... well. I was so drunk. Instinct kinda kicked in and I was going down on him before too long. Gave him my number aferwards. Has he called? Helllllzzzz no! LoL... not that I'd really want him to. If he does call he's gonna expect an easy chick. Argh... maybe I am kinda easy. BUT IN 22 YEARS I've only fucked FIVE guys. I highly doubt that this Alex is gonna be the sixth. SiGh! 18 May 2001: Today my best friend Laurie turns 21. Wow. Now we can go to bars together. That guy I blew the other day... Alex. He called me on my cell phone. Where'd he get that number? Oh yeah, my mom. SIGH!!! Can't belive he called. We tallked for all of three minutes. I think he was horny. Shit, of course he was horny! Shame on all you males out there. You're all alike. Site still isn't up. Who cares? It's not like I'll ever post it... okay, maybe I'll post it. But I won't post this page of it, at least. Too embarrassing. Remember the picture incident a couple years back? Times that by a hundred and that's what'd I'd get if someone linked all this to me, now. WHY DO I PLAY WITH FIRE??? Moving right along. My Dad is getting remarried. Gay, huh? He's such a loser. I'd at least respect him for leaving my mom and ruining our family if the woman in question was hot, but guess what? She's a fuckin' troll!!! What's wrong with him? And he told me today that he wants me to go to the wedding. ARGH!!! What can I say? "No!"??? Yea, I guess I could. But I'm afraid. Gotta go to work. Later. 20 May 2001: Got a lot of work done on this site today. Just wish that Mr. Rey del Sexo would send me my password... at what point does a simple request become an annoying, baggering command? Wish I knew. I've e-mailed him like three times for it so far. Too much? Not enough? Anyway. Alex called me again earlier tonight. I had been planning on going up to a coffee house to read but his call on my cell phone changed my mind. He ended up inviting me to see a movie... clever Him, he made it sound like a group affair! "We're all gonna go," were his exact words. He later denied it, but I know what I heard. So I figured Laurie, Jenny, Matt and Kevin at least. When I got to the theatre it was only him, though. He asked me where I wanted to sit when we entered the theatre. Normally I woulda guided him towards the half-way point between the first row and the middle row (a section that I've discovered allows me to see the screen the best). Instead, however, I let him choose. What'd he choose? Oh yeah, the back row. The movie was A Knight's Tale but I really don't remember any of it. Before the preview trailer's were even finished we were kissing. We left the theatre half-way through and went back to my house. It was one of those things where we both knew what was going to happen but we both pretended... pretended that the movie had sucked. Pretended that we were going to just "hang out". We didn't fuck. I told you, I want to have sex with only one more person in my life-- my future husband!!! But I did go down on him again. At least this time he got me off too... only fingering, but better than nothing. He left about ten minutes after he came. I'm not gonna hang out with him again. Definately not. I think he was pissed that I said, "Slow down, cowboy" when he told me he had a condom. SLOW DOWN COWBOY??? I can be such a dork when I'm horny. Slow down cowboy. Tell me, guys, why do I suck so bad???   23 May 2001-- I think I know what my problem is. My problem is that I'm always looking for drama... I need things to be dramatic. Good or bad, and that's the problem. For example. Last night I was out at a bar (this "suburban-dance-club-wannabe-bar") with my friend Laurie. Anyway, I was getting pretty hammered 'cause I thought I was gonna get fired from my job (I didn't, btw... I just got yelled at for fucking up. long story.). Guess who shows up? Alex. Fucking Alex!!! We hadn't seen each other since the cowboy-incident. He was being real nice to me and his two friends were all up on Laurie, he was up on me. Well for no reason whatsoever I decide I'm pissed at him. More than that, I decide I want to piss him off. So I go out on the dancefloor, which was pretty empty (the bar was packed, though) and began shaking my ass to "Who let the Dogs out" or whatever that fucking song is called. Alex tried to follow me but I ignore him-- instead, who do I go up to and start freaking? His best friend, Kevin. I made a total ass of myself. I was so shit-faced... I was all over Kevin the rest of the night. It was terrible. He got a hard-on and I kept humping against it as we "danced". I think he though he was gonna get lucky. Eventually Laurie and I stumbled out of the bar after a very pissed off Alex had already left. It was about 2am. Kevin invited us over to his house but thankfully I remembered I had to work today, so I drove home (drinking and driving is dumb... I don't remember half the ride). Heh... it is kinda funny that Alex is so pissed at me now, though. And that Kevin thinks I want him. Laurie, at least, thinks it's funny. Argh. I can be such a bitch. But at least things are interesting again. 27 May 2001 Things are so  shitty today. Why? Well, my internet connection is too damned slow here... I miss college!!! Sigh. Takes forever to upload all these pages. I just can't wait for everything to be DONE! It's like... I need to climax, you know??? The climax being, of course, a fully-uploaded, fully-functional web-site....! Sigh. Oh, btw... I'm 22 years old. I turned 22 on February 13th. I mention this here because someone e-mailed me (hiya!) and said I contridicted myself in this journal... Now, when I said earlier that I was "finally 21" I meant I'd been waiting for it a looong time. I've been 21 for over a year. I'm 22. February 13, 1979 is my date-of-birth. For real!!! Anyway, lots has happened since the last entry. Well... not too much, but a few things, I suppose. Firstly, Alex called me on my cell last night when I was over at Laurie's house and said I was a slut and that I shouldn't lead Kevin on. I said, "Who says I'm leading him on?". He hung up on me. What a cock that guy is. I'm not a slut! Hell, I didn't even fuck him! That's why he's pissed, I guess... Argh... you know, it doesn't even bother me that he'd say that. It's just the principal of the thing, I guess. Hopefully I don't see him around anymore. I should fuck Kevin just to really get him mad. Lol... what do you all think? Oh, here's one for ya. Again, Saturday night (last night!). Again, Laurie's house. The two of us are hanging out when guess who should call on my cell phone? Well, besides Alex...Why, none other than Kristen (last name deleted! :P) my old college roomate. She was looking for weed, which I didn't have (since I don't do drugs...anymore!) but she ended up coming over and a mock-party kinda sprung up. She brought her boyfriend with her... I know, four people isn't really a party, but we got really drunk. And there was music. WHATEVER, I say it was a party. Geeze... Moving on..! So I end up telling (with Kristen's help) the whole story of my one-and-only lesbian experience which involved, duh, Kristen. Heh. Her boyfriend, some quiet guy named Craig, kept blushing. Funny funny funny. Laurie hadn't known that story although she'd known I'd done something lesbianish before. So basically it was kind of awkward for her and Craig while Kristen and I laughed and just had a ball! One thing, however... Kristen and I had this like, "nostolgic" attitude about the whole thing. Which is wierd, since I've never looked back on my first year at college (in the dorms... yuck) fondly. Also, although I enjoyed "experimenting" with Kristen, it wasn't like... say, the time I lost my virginity. It was just a thing, you know? Anyway, so now I have this like "evil" side of me wanting to call up Kristen and see if she wants to hang out. I would like to try *that* again, you know? Hell, I read about it all the time and it does make me hot. I do think I'm bisexual... but I don't know. Should I, or shouldn't I? Knowing me I will. But I really don't know if Kristen would wanna "do stuff" again, and besides, she has a boyfriend. Good dykes are hard to find! :P I'm sorry for rambling. Oh well. I'm gonna drink some coffee and get ready for a Memorial Day Get-together (my fucking boss needs me to work tommorrow so I'm celebrating MemDay today). Bye, Journal!! 29 May 2001: Well it's now Tuesday.... and I just wanna dance, dance,  DANCE! lol... just kidding. For real, I just wanna sit around all day in my PJ's and hope for the best... which is exactly what I'm doing. I called off work today... that was probably a mistake. I just know they're gonna fuck me over soon. See, I work for a "web-development firm" which was supposed to be a job that gave me "real-world" experience in HTML programming... unfortunately, all I really do is get coffee for the guys (I'm one of only two females who work there) and debug pages, which basically just means I browse the final product and make sure everything works. It sucks. I do get to look at porn all day, though, so it isn't that bad. See, back in the day our company only did "reputable" e-commerce sites... unfortunately most of those sites went down (and not in a good way). To stay afloat the company I work for started doing "adult entertainment" as well... lol. When I got hired I had to sign a fifteen page contract saying that I understood the content I would be exposed to, etc. They are really strict about sexual-harassment, too... shrugs. Can't blame them, I guess. The shitty thing is I have to pretend to be grossed out by all the sites and images I see every day. The guys expect me to be embarassed at the site of a glob of cum dripping down some chick's face and if I don't act like I am, they'll think I'm a slut!!! How ironic. If they knew I was making *this* page.... shudder. I'm going to call Kristen later. I want to go to the movies I think. I'm feeling very vulnerable and horny right now and that puts me in a bad mood... I have to go see my shrink in two hours. Life is short and hard like a body-building elf, I guess... maybe I'll update this journal later. there's more to tell. byes, mr. Journal.... 30 May 2001 I am so incredibly fucking drunk right now. Wish I was dead... err,  dying, rather! :) I dunno... Why am i suddenly so depressed/annoying? Well, I'll tell you. First of all, it's only 3:20am and I just got home. Secondly, I come from Alex's house. Thirdly, I fucked him. That's right. I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. I fucked him 'till he didn't know what-was-what. I let him hurt me, then I blew him, then I let him push me down and fuck me. I came two and a half times. It was great. Okay, that's not all entirely true. But I did have sex with him. It was wierd... we met up at a 24-hour-diner to "talk". I'd called him 'cause I was horny and used the pretense of "making up" in order to see him. Well, he forgave me allright... before I knew it we were in the back of his ol' Ford at a local park making out. This time he didn't mention the condom, he just brought it out. I didn't know what to think. I was horny, sure, but I didn't exactly wanna have sex... before I could say no, though, his dick was pressed against me. Reflex kinda just kicked in and I spread my legs and grabbed it, and before I could really think he was inside me. So Alex finally got what he wanted. And hell, so did I... he was actually pretty good. Sure, the guy sucks at oral but with his dick up in a hole he's actually not too bad... he sucked my nipples and tickled my neck and... ARGH!!! WHY am I so transparantly slutty??? Gawd... So this guy, who I didn't even know existed a month ago, becomes my sixth fuck??? What am I gonna do?? Yawn. Sigh. The story ends with Alex and I at a restuarant where I drank more than I should have, then with me picking up a six-pack on the way home (he drove me... GAWD, my car is still at his house!!!). I'm so drunk. Hate my life. Fuck what the shrink says, I'm put ting an end to all this. Kidding, kidding!!! Anyway. Later. 30 May 2001: (evening) Boy was I sore this morning. I so didn't want to go to work... I had a terrible hangover and I just... shudder. Women things. You know, guys, it's not as easy for us women as it is for you all to have sex. Anyway. All I wanted was a phone call from Alex today... why? So I could yell at him... or ask him what he was up to later. Did he call? Nope. So all day I've been depressed... too depressed to even work on this site. I have no new material. I have nothing. It was just a fuck. Wasn't even sex. Why can't I just believe that and move on? Why do I have to think that it should turn into something that it isn't? I don't even like the guy... why should I care?? I wish I still did drugs. I'm gonna go to sleep.... I'm not even in the mood to read porn tonight. 31 May 2001: WOW! Where does the time go?  I feel like I just got up! Anywayz... is that the only people cum to this site? To see porno pix? SiGh... I hope not! I only put them up to add color... I get the whole idea from mr. Stile's site. It's the stories you're supposed to enjoy, guys!!! Moving right along... I came up with a good idea. I'm gonna have a contest! The winner is gonna have the "privelige" of having phone-sex with me! LoL... I should have to enter a contest to have phone-sex with you, actually... I think phone-sex is great. It's like reading a porno story but it's live, and interactive!! Oh well... I think it'll be neat... but if it flops it's not like it's the worst thing in the world... Oh, this is where I'm supposed to mention Alex, right? And mention how I feel so sad that he still hasn't called? FUCK NO!!! Sure I fucked him. Or he fucked me. Whatever!!! In the end, I don't give two shits about that asshole. As a matter of fact, if I ever see him or his dick again he's gonna be sorry! Everytime I have sex I regret it. Look, mr. journal, I'm not gonna do it anymore. Not for a loooong time, anyway. I swear it... next time I have sex it's gonna be with the man I love for life! Sigh... I really wish there was more to report, but life just kinda keeps slipping by. Nothing new, nothing interesting... SiGh!!! Okay, I'm outey! :P

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