Title: Psychology 101
Author: BabyInDiapers
Written: 07/15/2003
Introduction
This story is about a patient on record from back in the early 1980's to 2046.
The patient had been to counseling several times during her childhood,
teenage years, and late adult-hood. This patient died on 9/4/20046 of natural
causes. After digging through her files I decided to put together a cumulative
report from the various files of doctors she had attended. I hope that this case
study will help to aid others in the field, by shedding some light into an
otherwise previously unexplored area of the human psyche.
PART I
Dr. Phillip Martin of Penn State children's psychiatric facility at the
University of Pennsylvania first was handed this case by a local practice in a
nearby township. Shannon Berkley, age 2 parent, middle class home in the
suburbs. This child was displaying signs of traumatic regression and ADD.
The little girl sitting in Dr. Martin's office in her mother's lap was shy and
introverted during the first meeting. The mother answered some questions.
The father was unable to attend due to his work situation. Among these notes
the girl was still not potty trained and was in diapers. During her first visit, as
with other future visits, she soiled her diaper. When asked if why she did not
want to use the potty she would reply with "I want to be a baby, baby's get
loved but big kids don't." When questioned further, she became upset and
threw a tantrum. At this point they left Dr. Martin's office and did not return
for several weeks.
Soon after Shannon's fifth birthday her mother and her once again came. Her
mother was at her wits end. After talking with the mother, he then asked if she
could leave and let him talk with Shannon alone. He began to ask questions.
"Do kids at school tease you because you still wear diapers?" "Yes." She
replied with her head down. "Does your mommy or daddy yell at you when
you go potty in your diapers?" "Yes, sometimes." She said. "Why do you not
want to be trained like all the other children?" "Because, I'm a baby, and
babies go in there diapers, and mommies change babies diaper and love them.
And when baby grows up mommy and daddy don't love them anymore." She
said. "What makes you think that if you grow up that no one will love you?"
"Because, everyone loves babies." She said slightly agitated. "I agree, most
people do love babies. But they also love there children, even when they are
all grown up and leave home. "No they don't, they just pretend. People only
really love babies. Everybody else just lies to make you feel better." She said.
Dr. Martin sat back in his chair and thought momentarily. "Did someone ever
tell you this?" "No, I just know it." "I think that babies do get more attention
than older kids, that is true. But that doesn't mean that they aren't loved. "So,
I want to be a baby! FOREVER!" she said as she began to cry. Dr. Martin
opened the door and called for the child's mother. Then once again they left.
There were a few more intermittent visits over the next 2 to 3 years. She was
not adjusting well in school, and had to be put into a special needs class due to
her need for diapers, and emotional support. Besides slight ADD she was able
to learn at her age level. But socially, she was still hung up on this "baby"
reality of hers. The last time Dr. Martin saw her she was 7. Now she was not
only in diapers but she would act more like a toddler. She refused to walk, she
would crawl around on the floor during her last sessions. She would avoid
questions by trying to act silly and change the subject. Shannon would even
go as far as to suck her thumb and talk gibberish.
With further talks with Shannon's parents they decided to treat her as a baby
at home and to continue to send her to school for interaction with others in
hopes that she would get tired of being teased at school and would just grow
up. The doctor had no idea what else to do. There was really nothing else
wrong accept that as he put it: "She confuses real love with being a baby, as if
that is the only medium in which she can receive ones love." For several years
her file was closed. Although some counselors in the special needs program
would come up with ideas from time to time, things didn't really change.
PART II
Shannon's family had moved to up-state New York in 1991 when Shannon was
fifteen years of age. Surprisingly she attended regular classes at her new
school She was in 8'th grade when they left PA, and started high school in a
new town. This seemed to shatter her success. She would often come home
from school crying. Her mother would get called to the school to pick her up
because she had wet or messed in her pants. Her mom let her be in diapers at
home and especially at night. She still wanted to be a baby. For a while she
had been doing good about being grown up out in public but with the sudden
changes in her life she simply regressed.
She began seeking counseling again with Dr. Carol Sanchez of NY State
University. Shannon seemed to have interacted better though the years with
females psychologists and so she opened right up to Dr. Sanchez. When
visiting Dr. Sanchez's office, Shannon would insist that her mother let her
dress up as a baby, diapers, baby clothes, bottle, diaper bag, pacifier, etc.
Some of her conversations went as follows.
"So you're mother tells me that you like to come and see me to talk?" "Yeah,
it's fun here." She said. "And also she mentioned that you like to "dress up"
when you come to see me?" "Yeah." "Do you mind telling me why? "Well,
I'm here to talk about my baby problem right? So shouldn't I be the same on
the outside as I am on the inside. That way you can help fix me better, I
guess." "So what do you think needs fixing?" "My mom." "Why is that?"
"Cuz she gets mad when she has to change my poopy diapers." "Well can you
blame her?" "So what's the big deal. I'm her baby, that's her job." "Well yes
and no. I mean if you had some medical problem or mental problem where
you were unable to help it, then yes. But you're a smart young lady and you
don't need your "mommy" to take care of you as a baby." "How would you
know?" she said as she threw her binky across the room. "I am going poopy in
my diaper." "ok, that's fine." "But aren't you going to make my mommy
come change me?" "No." "Why not, everyone else does, then I usually leave."
"That's exactly why I'm not calling her. You always pull that trick to avoid
talking about things. " "Yeah, I know." "Well what is it that you are always so
afraid of talking about? "I'm not afraid." "Ok then what is it that even after 13
years of your life, that makes you want to be a 2 year old still?" "Can you hold
on, I can't talk when I'm doing a load in my diapers." "Ok, tell me when you
are finished and we will continue to talk. A couple moments went by on the
tape and then I was able to hear the rest of Dr. Sanchez's questions. "So do
you like the feeling of being messy?" "Yes." "How does that make you feel?"
"Messy." She mumbled. "Yes, but I mean on the inside." "I feel better
sometimes when I really have to go a lot." Dr. Sanchez laughed for a moment
and then regained her composure. "Yes I'm sure honey. But what I am trying
to ask you is, what do you feel like inside your mind, what are you thinking?"
"When I'm messy I feel the most like a baby because I feel helpless and I
need my mommy." "And you like that?" "Yeah."
The questioning went on for some time. She would always avoid the central
issue surrounding her strong feelings about being a baby. Shannon attended
counseling on and off for the next three years. The only benefit that came
from it was that she stabilized emotionally somewhat and her grades
improved. She went to prom, in diapers, and graduation, in diapers, but she
made it none the less.
After trying to get a job Shannon went to college. She moved out. In her
apartment Dr. Sanchez came over to visit. She was amazed at how she had
decorated and furnished her apartment. "It's like when I'm in here, I can be as
much of a baby as I want. When I go out, I do what grown-ups do, I mean life
kinda does go on, but I can't fully cope without having at least some baby
time each day." She decided to not continue with counseling anymore after
that. So as before her case file was put into storage. The next time we would
here from Shannon she would be in August, 2039 at age 63!
PART III
It had been a long life for Shannon. Disappointment lead to more depression.
She had never married, or held a stable job. She had been looking for
something her whole life that she couldn't find. Shannon wound up at Dr.
Stan Zimmerman's office as a broken, lost, and empty old woman. She
attended counseling with Dr. Z. for 2 years in which she tried to figure out all
the issues of her life. Still in diapers, she sat there talking. "I wanted a
mommy or daddy figure even after I left home. I never married because
nothing ever worked out. Even with some girlfriends I had while living in San
Francisco, the baby fantasy soon gave way to reality. I would only wind up
laying in my crib at night with the TV on to drown away my inner thoughts of
anger. I was so disappointed in life. I only wished now that someone would
have broken me while still young so that I wouldn't have gone on this wild
goose chase and turned up empty handed. Sure there were good times, but I
don't have anything to show for any of it now. I could have been so many
things, but I spent my life's energy chasing my inner-baby. I don't even have
children, not much less grandchildren. Now in my older years, that is the thing
that depresses me the most. I just wish I would hurry up and die." Finally
after her long speech, Dr. Z sat there in silence taking it all in.
"So, now that you've arrived near the end. What would you say to others.
What do you think you can give back to psychology so that we can help others
like you in the future?" "Don't confuse love with diapers, and being a baby.
It's a phantom you'll chase your whole life, and once cornered and the mask
is removed, you realize you've been tricked. But the sad thing is doctor, you
can't help anyone." "What do you mean?" "It's a terminal sickness." "Well I
don't believe that. Psychology is a medicine to help remedy such sickness and
exists to help people as the study goes on." "Agreed, and in most cases it will
help. It helped me learn coping with my depression, an it has done some good
for me, don't get me wrong, but nothing you can say or do will take the baby
out of someone."
"Explain." Dr. Z. said. "Well, take your computer for instance. You can
program software all day to change how it caries out instructions. If you
change enough codes you can give it a whole new aspect for performing
calculations. But take hardware for example, you build the software around
the hardware. Hardware comes from the factory a certain way, and you can
use software to mask it, to hack it, to completely create an illusion of anything
you wish, but the hardware only receives and puts out what it was intended to.
So it is with infantilism. You can write code to help fix us till you're blue in
the face but that piece of hardware, (ie: the baby inside) will remain
unchanged." "I believe psychology can do hardware upgrades." Dr. Z. smiled
as he sat back in his chair confident of his last statement. "No, it can't, at least
not yet. Even when everything within me wanted to quit being a baby and to
walk away from it, I couldn't for very long. It never dies. Never."
"Why do you think there is such a strong pull that never dies no matter what
you do to try and counteract it?" "Because you remember what it was like to
be in mommy's arms, to feel love and to be dependant and care free. But after
you're past the age of two or three, it's over. And you don't want it to be over,
but it really is. And you try to do things to bring it back, and it does, partially.
But in the end you realize that you can't be that small, you can't feel and
sense things like you did back then. Even if virtual reality could trick your
whole sensory perception, something would still be missing." "I agree." Dr. Z.
said as he stood up. "I wish you the best of the rest of your life. I believe
you've answered your own questions and know the answers within yourself.
Now it is time for you to take what you have left, and work with it to make it
the best years of your life. You owe it to yourself Ms. Berkley."
They shook hands and parted. This was our last record of Shannon in any
counseling facility Through further digging, I was able to track Shannon's
last few years before she died. She was active in her Church, and volunteered
to tell stories down at the orphanage. She seemed to have took Dr. Z's advice
to heart.
Conclusion
As I wrap up this study on Shannon Berkley's life, I feel that it would be
incomplete without her last words. On her death bed she had one of her close
friends setup a video recorder and left her alone to say her piece. Here is the
conclusion of her tape in which she had sent to Dr. Z after it was made.
"Since my earliest memories, I can recall being a baby. I remember clearly the
feeling of mommy changing me, feeding me and holding me. As my memory
progresses through my young years, I can recount some of the hard times my
parents had with me. My mind skips ahead to there death some years later.
Sudden pain hits my heart even now as I speak. I still cry for my inner-baby,
even now that I know it can never live free, at least in this life. I am hopeful
that with my eternity in Heaven with my savior Jesus, that God my heavenly
Father will once again hold me in his big arms to restore that which I feel loss
for in this life. I regret many things, and I recount many joyful times. To
anyone out there, embrace your inner-child or inner-baby, but please, don't
get obsessed to the point that you lose your life for its sake. Being a "big
baby" can be a happy thing, if you know one thing ahead of time. Just know
this. "You can't go back, only forward. Celebrate your inner-baby. Enjoy your
diapers and baby play. But build a life for yourself in the present world as
well. Know also that some people will never accept you, but let this not bring
you down. You are unique and special. Don't be sad. Talk to your inner-baby,
comfort yourself in this, knowing that when you leave Earth, you will go back
to being a baby in the most loving arms ever known."
Now as I close the folder on this case and put the tape back in its case, I sigh
and think to myself. "Baby, I'm glad you're within me. I hope tjat you
are happy and content. I wish you could come out to play, and to stay,
but this World wasn't built for you. I'm sorry for that, but don't cry;
because I love you... so much more than you will ever know."
The End.