Title: My Journey Back to the Womb
Author: BabyInDiapers
Written: Saturday, June 4, 2005 16:00
Today while I was home alone, I decided to have a little fun putting
on several pairs of pants, jeans and shirts. I went outside and got
wet in the water hose after peeing my pants. It held most of the pee
just like a diaper. At this point in the afternoon I was just goofing
around as I usually do when home alone. Once I was soaked I ran into
the house and got in the shower wearing 2 pairs of underwear, one pair
of shorts, 3 pairs of jeans, and 4 pull on t-shirts. By this point I
took my socks off before coming in the house.
After I was in the nice hot shower with all those clothes on for a while
I slipped off the 3 pairs of jeans and the shorts. I was now wearing 2
pair of underwear, and 4 pull on t-shirt. I took the jeans and laid them
on the opposite side of the shower from where the faucet was. I then
laid my head against the jeans and made it comfortable around my head
so that I was supported and comfortable. I put my feet up against the
walls of the shower towards the faucet end. At first this felt like
a rather awkward position but I was enjoying the warm water hitting
my genital area.
This is the point where my silly fun, turned out to be an unplanned
journey back to the womb. I had the shorts covering my face to avoid
splashing up my nose and in my eyes. I could see through a little
opening I had left via the leg opening of the shorts. As I lay there
in the shower my back with the 4 t-shirts blocked the drain so that the
water began to rise in the shower. I began to feel the water all around
me. After a while it got high enough that it went in my right ear since
my head was slightly leaned that way. All this time at this point I was
talking to myself as if I were my mother figure. Once both ears were
submerged, I truly felt like I was in the womb. I was warm, felt free
floating, my arms mainly. My feet were used to there positions and I
in some ways was completely feeling nothing accept warmth and wetness.
I began to somehow know that I was in the womb with all the fluid and
the warmth. I once both ears were submerged I just felt like when I
spoke it was as though a person from without myself was speaking to me.
I laid there for a long time, probably took me 15 minutes to get to that
place of comfort and I stayed there 30 minutes just feeling completely
enclosed in the womb. The water sound once my ears were submerged was
southing, not to mention the warm water all around. Even in my awkward
position, some how I reached total homostaceous, the feeling that every
need was met and that all was perpetually well within and without.
Now that I am writing this it's so hard to communicate exactly how it was.
I am not sure if I will ever be able to go there again or not. What made
it intense is when I realized the water was about to go out of the shower,
I sat up slowly with my eyes still closed and pulled my thick shirts off
and it felt like symbolically that I was sliding through the birth canal.
I know that it took allot of imagination, and without the right mindset,
it never would have meant anything, but because of my imagination, and my
desperately wanting to be inside my maternal figure, It just worked.
I now realize that diapers and breastfeeding is just a mere after effect
and that the womb is really where the true security and peace stems from.
After all, what is a diaper around your bottom and your private parts, and
mommy's breast and her arms, when you just came from being completely
sealed away inside of her with nothing else around you but her.
IT kind of makes me rethink the whole diaper and baby thing. Lets put it
this way, next time I'm free for a few hours, you know where Ill be...
in the shower, or should I say, in the womb.
... sighs ... I really fell like that experience in some ways has healed
me. I still wore a diaper when I was done with the whole "womb adventure"
and I also felt better. I looked at myself once I was sitting in the shower
coming out of it. I saw myself as cute and adorable, as a mother would when
she just had her newborn baby. I also realized that I couldn't go around in
life carrying a chip on my shoulder for my biological mom putting me up for
adoption. What ever her reasons were, it doesn't matter. I spent nine months
inside her. She took care of me. It was just the world outside of her womb
that made life difficult, for her, and for me. I think what is healed inside
of me is that I forgive her, I always have tried and have forgiven her on
certain levels, but now I forgive her on a deeper level. I know she loved
me. I would 't let myself believe that for years. But now I do. I think
somehow this "revisiting of the womb" did allow me to in some ways have
remembrance of that time, at least in a way that my whole being now feels
at rest. I mean sure, I'm still a big baby at heart, and sure I love being
a young spirited person, but I now have something else to add to my "fun
time" besides diapers.
I also have to attribute this interesting event to my recent recommitment
to God. Well actually, God has shown me so many things this week. I had
sort of walked away from Him in the past few years. But His love brought
me back. I think it was by God's grace that I was able to have this event
happen to me today. One thing I'm really working on lately is trying to
remember that God is my Father and that I can crawl up into His arms. He
is Love, the ultimate love. His love isn't tainted by a sinful and fallen
world. I'm learning to find the love my heart cries for in Him.
That said though, my body, witch is in the world, still seeks after physical
sustenance like mommy's breast, and a nice warm comfy diaper! But God is
really gracious and compassionate and I am learning more of His love each
day now. If the womb is the paradise of this physical existence, then how
much more content and at peace will we feel in His arms while in Heaven.
That's a really good thought to focus on tonight as I get ready to go to
bed. Thanks for reading this. Hope it makes sense in writing. :)