DIARY 1/80

                                                              1/09/80

   Lack words to describe. Off the scale. Most secret, risk your soul, go to hell, I do not believe it things. OK began at the beginning. Told you about big brother, self, new years eve. Well, went to confession few days later. Of course told all to Father Nelson. Thought he’d flip. Instead acted like it was no big deal. Other than the part bout letting big brother play with my body- that is a no-no, make no mistake about it. Said my feelings were normal and part of God’s plan or something like that. Let me go without penance. Had me come to his rooms after school for a longer talk. Called mom and told her I needed guidance and information about a calling and  vocation. Like I ever would be a nun. Still prevented any trouble about the real reason. Got there and he was waiting for me. Had on a black robe, like the one for mass but simpler. Had me sit down in study, offered me small glass of wine. Since we were talking about grown up things I should be treated as one. Asked if I had thought about my confession, as if I could think about anything else. Made me promise that anything we said or did would remain secret, still under seal of confessional. Made me describe the things I had done and let Sam do in great detail. Asked lots of questions. Made me think about feelings, tell all. Then came surprise, asked me to strip and show him what I do to myself. MY GOD, naked and showing my innermost secrets to a priest. He said it was necessary to judge my behavior, help me cope. Was WEIRD sitting in chair playing with pussy while priest watched, made helpful suggestions. Let me go after while but made me return next day. Ride home with him was filled with comments about teaching me God’s plan, unspoken promises for future. Not much sleep, much thought, tired next day. Next day same thing, glass of wine, strip, talk. After half hour or so said he was not thinking clearly. Very poor manners to make me sit naked while he was dressed. Removed robe, nothing under it at all. First time ever to see older man nude, still good shape even with wrinkles. Kept looking at sex instead of face as talked. Finally he stood, offered good look, touch if wished. Almost hard, thinner than Sam’s, longer. After brief examination sat, talked more. Knew parents, warned mother was very uptight about sex, poor source for information, likely to tell wife’s duty and something to endure. Told him already had. Laughed, offered more concrete advice, help, offered lessons. Suggested brother right about kissing, said we should try, would open new areas to explore, wonderful new feelings, think about it, see you tomorrow. Next day decided to let him go where no man had gone before. Seemed pleased, had me start myself, moved in only when stuck. Beard scratchy, tongue wonderful, took a few minutes to relax but then WOW. Just kept getting better, whole world became one big tongue, pussy. Finally exploded, thought mountain had fallen on me. Almost passed out. Stopped shaking, breathing slowed, rest of body returned, priest smiling. Said it was good to be appreciated, asked if enjoyable. Was left speechless, spent, wrung out, whipped, etc. Time, second glass of wine, able to talk, asked where a priest would ever learn how to do that. Laughed, reminded me not born priest, had lived before taking vows, besides large part of job was counseling. Noted most marriages have problems with money, sex, relatives, kids. Needed to be able to offer advice. Had even watched as couples had coupled while he offered pointers. Never guessed was part of job. Told me I had just got very first orgasm, asked if was satisfactory. NOW I  KNOW WHAT WAS MISSING. Foresee  much practice in future. Was wet sloppy mess, needed, took shower, The Father watched, I wouldn’t deprive an old man the pleasure of watching a beautiful girl would I? Took me home, spent time talking with mother, out of earshot, only caught few words, something about needing weekly sessions for a while, too young to decide but still should be given information so could thing about it. Beautiful, huh. Gtg

                                                               1/16/80

   Disappointment yesterday. No orgasms, even kept our clothes on. Got there, wine, talk, same as always. Pictures showing sexual acts, do people really stick it there? Asked thoughts of each picture, pointed out things I missed or did not understand. Explained the whys and whatnots for each act and picture. Learned much but no fun. Did surprise me, asked if I had a safe place to hide something. Came up with 3 sex toys, never had seen any before, pictures yes, was just looking at some but never had even heard of them before today. One was rubber prick about same size as his real one, next was plastic thing, little smaller, took batteries and vibrated, third was smaller yet, also vibrated but was soft rubber and was shaped like a cone sitting on a smaller shaft. Said it might be a while before I wanted it but that I should take it anyway. Showed operation, care basics, gave me extra batteries for first two before turning to third one. Shocked speechless when told what it was for. Not me, no way, no how, not ever, forget it. I’m not sticking anything there, hated it when doctor or nurse stuck thermometer there, not about to try anything that big. Had me take it anyway, might change my mind, could use it other places so try it out. Had more for here so leave them hidden at home. Almost broke up thinking about 1 of the nuns finding in stuff.  Left with promise to do all my homework. Gtg

                                                               1/20/80

  Hard to find time opportunity to retrieve, use, return toys. Worth effort though. Managed to give self first do it yourself orgasm. Not up to Father Nelson’s work but still wonderful. Now understand old joke I heard Sam tell to friend, one about the worst sex ever being fantastic. Keep thinking about weird toy, haven’t been lied to about anything sexual yet by the father, hmmm. gtg

                                             1/23/80

  STOP THE PRESSES, MAJOR MILESTONE, LIFE CHANGING EVENT.   Well maybe not quite that big, still once if life happening. Lost hymen, yes that hymen, mine, no more, gone. I guess still a virgin, don’t think rubber or plastic count, has to be real thing. Accident really, was using vibrator when it slipped inside, felt good, kept doing it, in and out, switching from clit to slit as the good father puts it. One time pushed in just as ass bounced up to meet, sudden pressure, pain. Toy went deepen than ever before, no resistance, blood. Was worried but big kiss and hug from Father Nelson calmed fears. Called for second glass of wine, congratulations. Now can use toys more ways, learn to please self inside as well as outside. More homework. Yah. Gtg

                                                      1/30/80

   Big things still happening, discovered that giving a blow job isn’t that bad, swallowing is hard, tastes like nothing I’ve had, a lot of it, comes quick, hard to handle. The Father talked me into trying it on him, pointed out I’d enjoyed having it done to me, fair’s fair I guess. Found out what 69 is, fun but hard to do both at same time. Finally just laid there, enjoyed it, something added, different feelings, nice, unable to decide what was until after own climax, felt finger pop out of previously unused hole. Grossed out at first, thought about, remembered feelings at time, maybe something there for later study. Trouble at home. Parents fighting all the time now. Not even trying to keep quiet, spare kids, out and out war. Worried. Brother gone most of time, dad working later and later, mom missing lot too. Home alone too much, not good. Tried to talk to Father Nelson. Said he knows, trying to help, pray. Gtg