SUPPLY TROUBLES
parody- no sex

                                                                                               Final Services Office
                                                                                               Dept of Peoples Rehabilitation
                                                                                               P O Box 666
                                                                                               National Capitol

Quality Control Group
National Wire and Cordage 
Attn Mr. Thorn

Sir;
  As you well know you have been our supplier of choice for rope and wire products for some time now and to a large degree we have been happy with both your products and services. However we have had serious problems of late with some of your products. Namely the replacement cordage you recommended to replace our usual material and with the stainless steel wire we use. The problems are as follows;
  The wire product we use to both ensure death and to mark the corpse as one that was executed for cause is your wire catalog # ss/.o63/soft-100ft. The last few rolls we received were too stiff and brittle well as the same time weak. We require a stainless steel wire that can be twisted around the neck tight enough to positively block both the flow of blood to the brain and the passage of air to or from the lungs. There are legal reasons for this that I will not go into at this time but the wire you are supplying under this number does not meet this requirement. It does not conform to the neck structures well, it is hard to twist, and it often breaks after it has been installed in the manner required by law. This is not acceptable!
  We used to use your ¾” hard waxed hemp rope for all hangings [ your catalog # H-¾-h-w-250’]. This product was very well received and liked by our people and we used it exclusively. We were notified by your sales dept. that it was being discontinued due to the difficulty of finding good raw materials. It was recommended to us to switch to a new product and we did so. We are now using a ½” Dacron braid rope [your catalog # Db-½-hj-250’]. This was sold to us as an equal or better replacement for the hemp product. We have not found this to be the case. While I realize that the act of killing felons by hanging is not an everyday activity for most people it is our job and we try to take it seriously and maintain professional standards. Your product has made this difficult if not impossible. The knots will not slip as they should, they jam, they slip around the neck, and worst of all we have had the rope actually fail and break. The result of these problems in that instead of a neat workmanlike execution we have long drawn out killings that are better off as part of a horror film and a poorly made one at that. There in no reason to subject either my staff nor the prisoners to such things. We have almost six hundred years experience collected in my staff and I think we know how to do our job by now. This is a problem with your product and / or your sales staff not knowing and meeting our requirements. 
  It is my wish to continue the relationship we have had over the years but this matter MUST be resolved as soon as possible. If it is not we will have no choice but to sever the relationship and be warned that other actions may follow. It is not impossible that you or others in your company may become our customers in the future if there is no a satisfactory outcome to this matter.

                                                                                            Thank you for your time 
                                                                                            Peter  R. Hard , Master of Execution