From: anonymous@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (anonymous)
Newsgroups: alt.sex
Subject: Date rape?  A true story.
Message-ID: <174@ns-mx.uiowa.edu>
Date: 10 Nov 89 16:27:52 GMT
Sender: news@ns-mx.uiowa.edu
Reply-To: anonymous@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (anonymous)
Organization: none
Lines: 79
Posted: Fri Nov 10 17:27:52 1989


About a year after we met, the woman who was to be my wife threw me a birthday
party.  There was nothing special about the party, among the group of us, she
was "the keeper of the birthdays".  All of us in the group were basically
nerds, with the usual sexual hangups associated with technical students.  We
joked about sex, but most of us were too shy to even consider asking anyone
of the opposite sex on a date.

The birthday party was fun, and somehow, my future wife looked more vibrant
than usual.  Perhaps it was simply that I didn't really think I had earned
a birthday party.  I don't know.

As the party broke up, I was the last one to leave, and my future wife said
"before you go, can I kiss you?"

I didn't expect that at all, but I let her, and got a French kiss when I
expected a peck on the cheek.  I had never had such a kiss before.  I'd heard
the term, but I'd never really even known what it meant.

I was shocked, but I liked it.  The details are hazy in my mind, but some
minutes later, we were lying on her couch, me on the bottom, and my future
wife on top, kissing.  I had an erection, and she was pressing herself
against it, obviously sexually aroused.  I was still in a state of emotional
shock.  I'd never imagined that she was so sexual, and I'd never dreamed that
I would end up in such a situation, outside of my wildest fantasies.

We stayed fully dressed, and my hands never went below the waist, but we had
a very sexy time.  As the evening came to an end, I asked her if I could see
her breasts.  She wore a nice sweater, and there was nothing under it.  She
sat back, holding her head high, and said nothing.  I interpreted this as
a signal of consent and one of us lifted her sweater so I could look, really
for the first time, at a very nice pair of female breasts.

I just looked, then she gave me a goodnight kiss and I went back to my dorm
room in a dream state.  As I've hinted, we got married eventually, and live
together to this day.

That's not the end of the story.  Recently, my wife and I were discussing
some sexual problems we have.  She said (very hesitantly, as if I might
be offended) that in her youth, before we met, she'd been date-raped a few
times.  I said that was long ago, and she'd almost certainly be better off
if she got it off her chest.  It might even help her be more open sexually.

She told two stories in detail, and although the men in the stories were
different, there was a common thread.  The men had suggested trying sex,
she'd objected, then she'd gone along, against her better judgement.  It
was clear that it was not technically rape, but it was clear that the
experience experience was traumatic.

The trauma came because she could not forgive herself for not forcefully
saying no.  She knew that the men involved were creeps, but she went along
with them.  She was curious about sex, interested in knowing what it was
like, and that lead her to relent in the face of their advances, but she
felt incredible guilt for having done so.

As a result of these experiences, she has never been comfortable expressing
her own sexuality.  She is sexual, and when we have sex, it is lots of fun,
but she has always had trouble initiating it.  She has gone so far as to
say that she sometimes feels violated when she's having sex because she
is out of control.  I think she has trouble taking control of her sexuality
largely because of these negative experiences, not quite date-rapes, that
she had in her past.

The kicker:  After hesitating and saying she was very sorry to say so, she
said that evening with me after my birthday party long ago was clearly part
of the pattern, that she didn't approve of my lifting her sweater, that
she felt violated by that act, and that I forced it on her.  Our memories
of that event are at opposite poles.  My memory had been that she lifted
her sweater to show me her breasts, she remembered me lifting her sweater
over her protests.

Moral:  For men:  Don't force the issue.  If a girl says no, then you
  push her to say yes, you might leave her with guilt feelings that
  she may take years to get over.

Moral:  For women:  If you're not sure you want to do it, say no!  Better
  that than live with guilt wondering if you were right to do it.

(This is an anonymous posting because I don't think my wife would like her
story attributed to her)




