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Jerk Off Etiquette (solo)
(Written by Jimmy and Tam) 

To begin with, get comfortable and plan to spend some quality time with
your penis. There is no need to rush, get to know the little guy. Find
out what HE wants and desires!! 
  
Now... lock the doors, drop the shades, look to the left, then to the
right. When it all feels right and you are sure you are alone....   
 WHIP IT OUT!!!
  
1) First, setup a general plan of the pictures you are going to use on
your Jerk Off Journey. Starting with "Turn me on and ending with the
LOAD BLOWER"!!!

2) Make SURE you put them in proper order so as to stimulate you thru
the entire process!! And then Stick to the order!!! You want practice
time here, so don't rush. Remember...Quality time.

3) NOW.... find your lube!!! Soap, spit, WD-40, or 50 weight. (When
selecting a lube, make sure you match it to your style. IE spit for you
average jerkers, all the way up to 50 weight for you Palm Pounding
Sludge Slingers)

4) Apply lube generously to penis, both hands... YES BOTH HANDS!! You
never know when you may want to switch hit. Oh yes, and don't forget the
hanging twins!! Balls need love too!!

5) NOW!!! You're all lubed up. Now is the time to begin your Journey
down the ole Pleasure Highway. STAY CALM FOR CHRIST SAKE!

6) Begin with slow, open fingered strokes. Gliding your hand over it,
kind of like you would a Hurst Shifter on a '68 Javlin. Feel the power;
let it grow at its own pace.

7) It's ok to look down at your penis for short periods of time, but
remember to stay FOCUSED on the pussy on your computer screen. Your hand
IS the pussy now. Repeat, Your hand IS the pussy now. 

8) Closing your eyes is permitted if you would like to picture the body
you are looking at with the head of your wife, girlfriend, neighbor, or
pretty much any chick you have ever seen. But, be reasonable. Match the
head as close to the original body as is possible, Like...don't put
Rosie O'Donnell's head on Kristy Alley's body and so fourth or if in
reality she ever does decide to fuck you, you won't be so disappointed.

9) Advanced move, TWO hands!! By now, I am sure, you are in a standard
pud whacker mode.... 

WANT A BLOWJOB??
  
Switch hands; try entering the thumb and forefinger end first, and oh
YES!!! Your dick really DOES feel bigger in the other hand. 

10) Massage them balls, let the little fellows know you really care.
Balls are people too...the ole sludge sacs are sensitive...Use them.....

11) Now...in this computer age two hands are possible ... you can stick
the middle finger of your old page flipper hand up your ass and never
miss a beat.

12) NOW, you're ready for the orgasm!!

    Slobber

    Spit

    Holler

    Kick shit!!
  
Who gives a shit if you embarrass yourself, who's gonna know?

13) Blowing your load!! Aim for her face, it may be the only chance you
will ever get to do that. Say rude shit, like "Take that bitch!!" "Who's
my Daddy?"," SUCK THE SNOT END OF MY FUCK STICK BABY!!!!!"   

!!!CAUTION!!!
Be very careful not to dribble into your keyboard, remember, this is the
beginning of a beautiful relationship between you and your penis. You
don't want to be out all that money replacing expensive computer
components because of him, he'd be no better than a woman if this
happened. (Expensive date)

14) NOW!!! Spend some after jerk time with your penis; after all, he
just gave his all to insure that you had a fun evening. Compliment him,
call him "Big Guy", oh he hears you!! Let him hang out on you for a bit,
and don't forget your balls, they worked hard so you wouldn't have to!! 

15) And FINALLY!! Tell a friend!! Hell, tell two friends, this builds
confidence between you and your penis. And you will be surprised at how
many of them do it too!! Jerking off can be as fun as a real fuck if you
use a little imagination and take the time to do it right. And the
variations are endless. This is just a small sample to get you started.
In the future as your experience and confidence grows you can fuck
fruit, pillows, wadded up panties, stuffed animals...when you get good,
open the shades, let the neighbors watch, invite over friends, call
strangers, PUBLIC JERKING!!!  Oh the possibilities are endless...   

In short...When someone tells you to "GO FUCK YOURSELF"!!   DO IT!!!
You'll be glad you did. 
==========

THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF JERKING OFF! 

Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry, you won't go blind from
jerking off unless you shoot sperm in your eye. 

Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught. 

Do have a place to shoot your load already set up. 

Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it. 
Do jerk off in the shower as this will hide any and all evidence of your
perverted behavior. 

Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. this builds up your sperm
count incredibly! 

Do save your load in a small vile for later to put in someones drink at
the club. 

Do not get sperm on yourself. 

Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try to clean it up with
toilet paper. 

Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that you'll shoot
it across the room. This can cause irreversible damage to your johnson. 
Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load or you'll get a
cramp and ruin the moment. 

Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is future jerk
off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be able to use it again! 

Do not ever jerk off while taking a shit. That is fucking disgusting! 

Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking off. That
would make you gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that) 

Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication! 

Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into your own
mouth! (unless you're gay, then it's ok) 

Do not participate in any group jerk off sessions or any circle jerk
events. If you do, don't get anyone else's sperm on you. (Unless you're
gay, then it's ok)


