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o                                                                   o
o  The Bookshelf Directories offer a very wide variety of stories.  o
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Star Whores (MF, aliens, orgy)
STAR WHORES or LAST TANGO ON TATOOINE
by Jefferson Morris (c) 1994
 

***


     C3PO stepped out the oil bath slowly, savoring the feeling of
his newly-lubricated servomotors and gears sliding sensuously in
place.  Ignoring the towel offered to him by R2 (who carefully
averted his baleful blue eye), 3PO stepped demurely over to Luke.
     "Luke."
     "Call me Master, bitch."
     "I see, Sir Luke."
     Luke slapped 3PO sharply.
     "What do I look like, a Jedi knight?  Come on."
     3PO gently reached down with one glistening gold hand,
caressing the bulge beneath Luke's sand-worn utility belt.  He
smoothed Luke's khaki pants, then moved his hand up to a small
device hanging on the belt.
     "Would you like to restrain me, Master?"
     Luke gripped the restraining bolt activator tightly,
extricating it from 3PO's grasp.
     "What about the condensers on the North Ridge, Master?"
     "Fuck 'em."
     Luke gently flicked the switch.  With a metallic shudder,
barely perceptible in the waning light of the twin sunset, 3PO was
immobilized.  Luke waved a hand in front of his eyes.
     "Are your speech centers still activated?"
     "Yes, Master."
     "I want it in Bocce."
     "Suuejik gelia iksta moom."  (I'm hot and ready)
     "You like it with humans, don't you, whoredroid?"
     "Suuejik huis napra refilia." (I fuckin' love it)
     Luke dropped to one knee, his eyes fixed on 3PO's gleaming
groin.  He licked it brusquely, leaving a filmy swath of saliva
over its glistening sheen, obscuring the reflection of his own
flushed visage.  He pried 3PO's codpiece loose and began chanting
rhythmically, breathlessly.
     "I'm gonna get a dianoga, and I'm gonna have the dianoga fuck
you.  And the dianoga's gonna vomit in your face, and I want you 
to
swallow the vomit.  You gonna do that for me?"
     "Woon."  (Yes)  3PO tingled at the thought of the dianoga's
long, slimy tentacles wrapping themselves around him, its red,
bulging penis (often mistaken for an eye on a stalk) forcing 
itself
into his warm metallic confines.
     "I want the dianoga to die while you're fucking him.  Then I
want you to go behind and smell the dying farts of a dianoga.  You
gonna do all that for me?"
     "Woon, iksta baga lampeel.  Baga lampeel!"  (Yes, and more
than that.  And more!)
     Luke gripped his modestly-sized penis.  As soft and shapeless
as a dead mynock.  He snorted.
     "I'm not hard yet, whoredroid.  Tell me a story.  Something
dirty that'll get me going."
     "I'm sorry sir, I'm really just an interpreter, and not very
good at telling dirty stories."
     Luke looked up at him, his eyes shining.  "You know what I 
did
to my last protocol droid?"
     "No, master."
     "Disintegrated his ass.  Improvise, whoredroid."
     3PO's circuits began blazing, trying to come up with
something.  He began shaking with the effort.
     "Well master, uh...a long time ago..."
     "Yeah?"  Luke began masturbating listlessly.
     "On a planet...really far away..."
     "Go on, whore."
     "There was this new hope for, uh...Actually it was a dark 
time
for the...Rebellious Fighters."
     "Which was it?"
     "Well it was a dark time...but there was also a new hope.  
The
Rebellious Fighters had just...stolen the blueprints for a space
station built by the...the evil Galaxy Federation."
     Luke dropped his flaccid penis.  "You're right, you can't 
tell
stories for shit.  Well, you had your chance."  Luke wearily got 
to
his feet.
     "Viilesa japsta womoni pustell iks bambam." (Master, I am
fluent in over 6 million forms of fellatio)
     "Save it for the Spice Mines of Kessel.  Or maybe I'll just
blast you into...who-the-fuck-knows-what."  Luke unhooked his
blaster from his belt, and put it on its highest setting.  3PO
began trembling.
     "Viilesa, gradoo!"  (Master, wait!)
     "Now what the fuck?"
     "R2 is projecting some kind of message."
     "Yeah, right."
     "The message appears to be important.  A young lady."
     "Is she hot?"
     3PO shrugged.  "Nothing to shout about."
     "Shut the fuck up, then.  Fucking protocol bullshit.  I told
Uncle Asshole I didn't want another babbling protocol 'bot.  But
whatever Luke wants, he has to do the opposite.  Sometimes I wish
some Imperials would burn his wrinkled ass down with a blaster on
low.  Set me free from this shithole.  I'd lick their boots 
clean."
     "Human-cyborg relations, huh kid?"  The familiar voice
startled Luke.  He whipped his head around.  A dark figure stood 
in
the corner of the bay, leaning insouciantly on Luke's T-16. 
Slowly, he stepped out of the shadows.
     "Good with droids is one thing.  Good with the living.  
That's
something else."  Solo's disarming, lopsided grin spread over his
handsome face.  Luke's heart sped up a beat.
     "Feel like partying, Solo?"
     "Kid, I been from one end of the galaxy to the other, I've
seen some pretty strange stuff, but..."
     "Save it, Han.  Smuggle anything in your ass lately?"
     "Try smuggling this, kid.  Beru said it was a treasure more
precious than stolen data tapes."  Han pulled his perfectly
circumcised cock out from behind his zipper.  It glistened with
pre-ejaculate, the urethra hanging slightly open like an expectant
mouth.  It reminded Luke of the new vaporator he had installed on
the South Ridge last week, protruding from the landscape and
hungrily sucking moisture from the parched Tatooine air.
     "What a piece of junk."
     "It's the dick that made the Kessel run in less than 12
parsecs.  It may not look like much, but it's got it where it
counts, kid.  I've made a few special modifications myself."
     "Tired of Wookies, huh?"
     "You should talk, puttin' the moves on Goldenrod.  Next 
you'll
be programming binary load lifters and shaking down jawas for
landspeeder rides.  I shudder."
     "You think I dig mechanicals?  I was just about to burn this
metal prickteaser down."
     Han pulled his own blaster from its holster.  "I could help
you with that."  He flipped the safety off.
     3PO's eyes widened...
     The blasts illuminated the bay like a flashbulb.  3PO's limbs
scattered in all directions.  A whiff of ozone settled over the
room.  Luke and Han put away their guns.
     "What are you gonna tell your uncle?"
     "I don't know.  I'll tell him it had a bad motivator.  Won't
be the first time."
     "Beru tells me your uncle has a bit of a bad motivator
himself."
     "Yeah, she gets the itch bad.  Put the moves on me once."
     "No shit, kid.  How was she?"
     "Dry as the South Ridge.  We almost caught fire.  The low
point of my otherwise shitty life.  Why do you think I'm hustling
droids?"
     Han slapped his thigh.  "Today's your lucky day, kid.  You
ever make it with a Corellian?"
     "Can't remember."
     "What are you waiting for, a writ from the Emperor?"
     Luke strode over and gripped Han's shaft, which seemed to
squirm in his hand like an exotic fish.  It swelled with blood, as
if it was taking a breath.
     "You're hung like a ewok, for Christ's sake.  The Sarlacc
wouldn't swallow this."
     Han smirked.  "You've sucked off so many Womp Rats, you don't
know a real dick when you see it.  I've made Tauntauns blush."
     "No wonder they call you 'Hand Solo.'  I've got a bad feeling
about this."  Luke held Han's cock between thumb and forefinger,
examining it clinically.
     "What did you expect, an ion cannon?  If you can't make it to
hyperspace it won't be my fault, kid.  You've been stretched by
every Snaggletooth and Stormtrooper in the sector.  Show me one 
toy
in this bay that wasn't bought with some lonely Imperial fruit's
per diem, and I'll eat a bowl of Wampa shit.  They've got your
biography up in the cantina bathroom.  You should read it
sometime."
     "I wrote some of it."
     "Is it true you can ride a Bantha through your ass?"
     "On a warm day."
     "On this dust ball?  You got any Banthas around?"
     "I'm off Banthas.  Krayt dragons are my kick now."
     "Then don't blame me.  Use the Force.  Either that or hit the
bricks and open up a leather bar in the Jundland Wastes."
     Luke began working Han's cock in his hand, kneading it like
dough.  Han closed his eyes.
     "How's Biggs?"  Han's voice was barely a whisper.
     "Big as ever.  He's still working drunk Tuskan Raiders on
weekends.  Saving up for the Academy."
     "And that old Jap fossil you used to hang with?  Oki-Ben
Whatshisname?"
     "That wizard's just a horny old man.  Stumbles through Mos
Eisley babbling about the Clone Wars and showing minors his
'lightsaber.'  Needs the Force to get it up.  Then he feeds 'em a
line of shit about how their fathers were Jedis, and how they were
offed by 'a pupil of mine, before he turned to evil, blah blah
blah.'  Can you believe he still catches people with that shit?"
     "So you got the fuck out?"
     "Fuck yeah.  Split when I found him with Greedo's cock
mysteriously stuck up his ass.  'Vital to the survival of the
rebellion,' he said."  Luke shook his head.  "Old bastard."
     "Tough break, kid.  What was your father, anyway?"
     "A navigator on a spice freighter."
     "Another space-lifer, huh?  Whatever happened to him?"
     "Got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of bounty hunters on Ord
Mantell.  So they say."
     "Sorry to hear that, kid."
     "I don't give a shit anymore."
     "Well in that case..." Han's right hand slid slowly into
Luke's pants, playing over his soft buttocks.
     "Let me hang you, Luke."
     Luke shrugged.  "Boring conversation, anyway."
 
                          *********
 
     Luke slowly extracted the hydrospanner from his rectum, then
fell with a fluid, sated plop, piss and shit running over his
thighs.  Han waved an arm in front of his face.
     "What an incredible smell you've discovered."
     "Fuck you, Corellian."
     Han was already lighting up a Tibanna gas pipe.  He held the
gas in his lungs, then passed the pipe to Luke.
     "Good shit.  I've got a connection on Bespin."
     "Who doesn't?"  Luke inhaled sharply, nearly coughing.
     "So what are you gonna do now, kid?"  
     "I don't know.  Stick around one more season, tops.  Maybe
join the Imperial Legion.  A lot of new jobs on that Death Star."
     "I hear you can't see shit out of those helmets.  A pregnant
Dewback could be lying next to you and you wouldn't notice unless
you looked right at it.  And the armor is shit.  You take a 
drained
blaster shot in the ankle and you're galactically fucked."
     "Well...it's a living, right?"
     "That it is, kid.  That it is."  Han blew a smoke ring at the
ceiling, then coughed.  "What about that Jedi thing?  You still
blindfolding yourself and letting remotes zap you in the ass?"
     "I'd rather blow a dead Ugnaught in a sandcrawler's john."
     "No, in other words?"
     "I can't believe I was once that stupid."
     "Believe it."
     "Eat me."
     Han and Luke sat in silence.  Luke reached for a tissue, and
wiped semen from his hand, frowning.
     "My uncle smells you on me and I won't eat for a month.  I'll
be bumming rootleaf at the Toshi station."
     Han slapped his knees with both hands and got up.
     "Where are my shorts, kid?"
     "Fuck should I know?"
     Han found his clothes and began dressing.  He squinted at R2.
     "You know, that droid over there has been playing the same
message over and over all night."
     "I'm gonna have its memory erased.  Never buy from a drunk
Jawa."
     "Who's the chick?  Wouldn't mind smuggling something in her."
     "Some princess."
     "A message for you?  Shit, kid, I'd go for it."
     "With my luck we're probably related."
     "Well then, you think a princess and a guy like me..."
     Luke blew a raspberry.  "Probably only fucks other members of
the Alderaanian royal family.  Gotta preserve the bloodline."
     "I was on Alderaan once, on leave from the fleet.  Couldn't
get a spice-addicted whore for 1000 credits.  Corellian come ain't
tasty enough, I guess.  Everybody there thinks they shit ice 
cream. 
Somebody ought to blow up that fucking planet."
     "Amen.  Maybe I'll deactivate that droid and make it into a
waste disposal unit."
     Han began dancing around the room, pitching his voice like a
little girl.  "'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!  
Help
me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!  Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
I just blew the pope!"
     Luke laughed, and sucked the last wisp out of the pipe.
     "This bud's dead."
     Han abruptly stopped dancing.  "Yeah, I better get back. 
Chewie's probably pulled someone's prick out of its socket by now. 
Never should have bought that chess game.  Need anything?"
     "Just somebody to teleport me off this fucking rock.  If
there's an asshole of the universe, we're on the planet that's
closest to it."
     "10,000 credits and I'll take you.  You're pretty good in 
bed. 
I could use you."
     "You think your dick is made of carbonite?  I'll pass."
     "What are you gonna do?"
     "Pick my ass and eat it, I guess.  So long, Solo."
     Han's voice was suddenly serious.  "May the Force be with 
you,
kid."
     Luke spat a brownish lunger on the floor.  "Stick the Force 
up
your ass."     
     Han grinned, flipped Luke the bird, and left.
 

     Grand Moff Tarkin lounged at one end of the conference
table, absent-mindedly playing with his rapidly thinning hair. 
Several strands came off in his hand.
     "Shit."  Tarkin stretched, lizard-like, and began scratching
himself.
     With a quiet whoosh, the door slid open and Darth Vader
strode in.  His rhythmic, mechanical breaths settled over the
room like a cloak.  Vader went to the other end of the table, sat
down, and put his legs up, straining at the effort.
     "Jee-zus Christ."  Vader groaned deeply as he rotated his
shoulder blades.
     "Any luck?"  Tarkin stopped scratching and glanced at Vader,
who continued to stare at the ceiling, obliviously stretching his
mechanical joints.  Tarkin cleared his throat loudly.
     "Hey, Space Cadet.  Are you answering in mime or are you
ignoring me?"
     Vader looked over slowly.  Tarkin felt a sudden tightening
in his crotch.
     "You're not worming your way out of this, Vader.  Release me
and report."  The tightness quickly disappeared.  Vader threw his
hands in the air.
     "Fuck!  Her resistance to my probe is considerable. 
Stubborn bitch.  She might as well have deflectors around her
cunt.  It will be some time before we can extract any information
>from  her."
     Tarkin raised one eyebrow.  "A bit frigid?"
     "Shit.  Makes polar Hoth look like equatorial Tatooine at
midday.  About as moist, too."
     Tarkin smiled smugly.  "Well, there's Alderaanian snatch for
you.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  The only thing tougher to pry
open than their purses are their legs."
     "No wonder none of our troops bother taking leave there."
     Tarkin suddenly got up and straightened his uniform,
adjusting his crotch.  "Perhaps she might respond to an
alternative form of persuasion."
     Vader looked him over and laughed.  "You've got to be
kidding."
     "What?"
     "How old are you?"
     Tarkin glared indignantly.  "None of your business.  At
least I can get it up without biomechanical pumps."
     "Try falling into a pit of lava, Moffy.  Then see how horny
you feel."  Vader got up, his breaths quickening slightly.
     Tarkin waved his arm.  "Oh, fuck you.  This bickering is
pointless.  With my new weapon, I could crush her in one swift
stroke."
     Vader walked slowly behind Tarkin and began massaging his
shoulders, whispering in his ear.
     "Don't be too proud of this sado-masochistic terror you've
constructed.  The ability to destroy a 20 year old girl's
innocence and self-esteem is insignificant next to the power of
the Force."
     Tarkin chuckled slightly.  "Okay, yeah, whatever."
     Vader's hands slipped off his shoulders and gently patted
Tarkin's buttocks.  "Moffy, you of all people should appreciate
the Force after all the good times we've had."
     "How much was you and how much was the Force?"
     Vader batted his eyes behind his mask and gently turned his
ankle.  "I'm not telling."
     "Just don't call me Moffy in front of her."
     "It won't make any difference.  Not only is she frigid,
she's huge.  It's like throwing a lightsaber down a space slug's
throat.  You'll have to fist her to get anywhere."
     "Fist?"  Tarkin turned around, raising his head slightly to
meet Vader's gaze.  "Shit, Vader, the last thing I fisted was a
Mimbanite whore at a concert on Circarpous V.  I was just a
lieutenant, for Christ's sake."
     "How'd that go?"
     "Came four times.  Two for each cunt."
     "Well you won't get a hum out of this Organa bitch.  I'd bet
on it."
     Tarkin rubbed his chin.  "How much?"
     Vader shrugged.  "You're fulla shit."
     "I'm fuckin' serious.  5000 credits?  More?"
     "That's a lot of cash.  I don't want to suck you completely
dry."  Vader walked to the other end of the room, contemplating
the offer.
     "Come on, Vader.  I'm sure Palpatine'll cover you if you
haven't got it."
     Vader adjusted his cuffs.  "Three thousand."
     "Four.  I'll even throw in my new personal assistant."
     Vader's breath quickened again at the thought.  "That new
boy?  The blonde?"
     "Yep.  He just arrived on the station.  A bit cheeky at
times, but still charmingly wet behind the ears."  Tarkin
approached Vader, grinning slyly for emphasis.  "And just about
everywhere else."
     "Everywhere?"
     "It's like rolling in an Endorian meadow at daybreak. 
Except you don't have to stop all the time to shoot those little
bear things."
     "Done and done, Moffy."  Vader extended his hand.
     Tarkin shook it.  "Four thousand is enough to teach you a
lesson.  They didn't use to call me 'Grand Muff' Tarkin for
nothing, you know."
     "We'll see."
     Tarkin slapped his hands together, rubbing them.  "Okay
then.  I think there's a princess in a cell somewhere needs to
get fucked." 
 
                                 *********
 
     Leia Organa gently applied ointment to her clitoris, wincing
slightly at the sting.  At her feet lay the sputtering remains of
a torture robot, its round, black frame dented.  Its penile
attachment was twisted and crushed.
     The door to the cell suddenly whooshed open.  Standing in
the doorway was a stormtrooper.  Upon viewing Leia's display, he
took a step back.
     Leia batted her eyes, unabashed.  Putting the ointment down,
she slowly licked her finger and inserted it into her vagina. 
She smiled.
     "Who's next?"
     Vader pushed the mesmerized trooper aside and entered the
room.  Leia rolled her eyes.
     "Darth Vader.  Only you would be so bold.  Ready for another
round, my little Pinocchio ninja?"
     Vader ignored her sarcasm.  "Now, your Highness, let us
discuss the location of your hidden rebel base."
     "I don't know where you get your delusions, laser-balls." 
Leia smirked, and kicked the broken torture droid to the far end
of the cell.  "I was just discussing the rebels with your pain
'bot.  He wasn't quite up to the challenge.  His circuit got a
little...shorted."
     "It is useless to resist."
     "Tell that to an Alderaanian girl.  Resistance keeps the
universe spinning."
     "Where is the rebel base?"
     "You were on the right track."  Leia gently spread her
labia, allowing an unobstructed view inside.  "It's right in
here.  You'll just have to probe a little deeper.  Don't worry, I
don't have teeth."
     Vader mustered his best deadpan.  "No wonder, with gums like
that."
     Leia withdrew her fingers and threw her skirt back down over
her knees.  "Well aren't you just the Lord of the Pith today."
     "Cut the bullshit," Vader snorted.  "Someone wants to see
you."
     "Another Imperial limp-dick?  Why not, I don't have anywhere
to go just now."  Leia got up and straightened her robe.
     Vader reached out and twisted one of Leia's nipples
viciously.  She cried out.
     "Ow, goddamnit!"
     "This Imperial's a little better hung than most."
 
                                **********
 
     Tarkin sat on a couch on the bridge of the Death Star,
combing his hair over his scalp using a pocket mirror.  His red
velvet bathrobe was richly embroidered with images of exploding
TIE fighters.  A huge viewscreen dominated one wall.  It
displayed Alderaan, spinning serenely before a twinkling
starfield.
     Vader, the trooper, and Leia emerged from a lift at the far
end of the bridge and walked briskly over.  Tarkin got up off the
couch and pressed a button on its arm.  The couch quickly
unfolded into a four-poster bed.  Leia scratched her head and
farted.
     "Governor Tarkin.  I expected to find you here holding
Vader's leash.  I recognized your foul stench when I was brought
on board."
     Tarkin licked his lips.  "Charming to the last."  Slowly, he
drew the shiny leather leash out of his breast pocket, unfurling
it.  "Actually I was going to use the leash on you.  You don't
mind, do you Vader?"
     Vader shrugged.  "Just wash it afterwards."
     Tarkin fastened the leash around Leia's neck.  "You don't
know how difficult it was for me to sign the order to terminate
your life.  You're not bad looking, apart from the hair."
     "I'm surprised you had the stones to sign the order
yourself."
     Tarkin sat down on the edge of the bed, crossing his legs. 
"Princess Leia, before your execution, I'd like you to be present
at a ceremony which will make this battle station operational. 
No star system in the galaxy will dare oppose the Emperor now."
     Leia belched.  "The tighter you squeeze your glutes, Tarkin,
the more star systems will slip right out of your asshole like so
much cosmic diarrhea."
     "Not after they witness the full power of this station.  In
a kind of fucked-up way, you've decided which planet will be
blown to hell first." 
     "Bullshit."
     "Bulltrue."  Tarkin slowly opened his robe, revealing his
somewhat emaciated-looking nude form.  His medium-sized penis lay
against his thigh amongst a thin tangle of graying pubic hair.
     Leia shuddered.  "Just broadcast a picture of that. 
Everyone on the planet'll kill themselves."
     Tarkin lifted his penis, revealing a small blinking device
attached to his scrotum.  "You see this?  This device is hooked
directly to the ion cannon.  When I come, your home planet of
Alderaan goes bye-bye."
     Leia's eyes widened.  "No, Alderaan is a peaceful world, we
have no weapons, you mustn't..."
     Vader interrupted her with a loud bray of raspy laughter. 
"Yeah, right.  They're a bunch of tree-hugging humanitarians."
     Leia lowered her eyes.  "Well, maybe they haven't always
been totally peaceful..."
     "Gimme a fuckin' break," Vader chortled.
     "Okay, okay, they're a bunch of assholes, I admit it.  But
it's home, you know."  Leia shrugged.  "Shit, go ahead, blow it
up, I don't care.  I'm telling you dick."
     Tarkin smiled.  "Have it your way.  Now let's get mounted." 
Tarkin yanked violently on Leia's leash, pulling her down onto
the bed.  Pinning her arms behind her back and pushing her down
onto her stomach, he ripped her stained white robe apart,
exposing the smooth white flesh of her buttocks.  Spreading them
with his fingers, Tarkin coughed up a smooth rope of saliva,
letting it dribble over her rectum.  Leia flinched in terror.
     "Wait, not in there.  I don't like it in there!  Anywhere
else..."  Leia struggled uselessly.
     Tarkin leaned over close to her ear as he gently rubbed the
spit into her anus with his thumb.  "You'd prefer another target,
a genital target, then name the system!"
     Leia bit her lip, squirming at the sensation of Tarkin's
long thumbnail.
     "I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time,"
Tarkin hissed.  "Where's the fuckin' base?"
     Leia's voice trembled slightly, barely above a whisper. 
"Dantooine.  They're on Dantooine."
     "No good, Princess, we tried there.  This'll hurt you a lot
more than it hurts..."
     "No, wait!  Did I say Dantooine?  I meant Mantooine,
Mantooine!  I get 'em confused, you know."  Leia laughed
sheepishly.
     Tarkin paused.  "Mantooine, huh?"
     "Yep.  That's where you'll find 'em.  Mantooine.  Every
traitorous motherfuckin' one.  Gimme a blaster, I'll kill a few
for you."  Leia looked over her shoulder at Tarkin, smiling
hopefully.
     Tarkin rubbed his chin.  "You see Vader, she can be
reasonable.  Not such a bitch.  Maybe...nah, fuck it.  Alderaan
is in range.  I'll fire when ready."  He began rubbing his penis
around her rectum, trying to make it erect.
     "What?!" Leia exclaimed.
     "You're far too trusting.  It's been too long since I
cornholed an Alderaanian chick.  But don't worry..."  Tarkin
paused, slapping his penis against her perineum, "We'll deal with
your rebel friends soon enough."
     Leia closed her eyes, waiting for the pain.  She gritted her
teeth, attempting to brace herself.  A minute went by, and she
felt nothing.  Another minute.  Leia tried to look behind her,
and Tarkin slapped her sharply.
     "Ow!  I was just wondering what the holdup was.  I'd like to
get this over with."
     "Shut up!  I'm trying."
     "Are you rimming me, or what?  Don't tell me that little
fleshy nub I feel is actually your prick.  No wonder you have so
much anger toward the universe."
     "Shut up, whore!"  Tarkin slapped her again, and pulled the
leash taught, jerking Leia's head back.  "It's Vader and that
trooper over there talking.  They're distracting me."
     Vader piped up from across the room.  "But we haven't said
anything, Moffy.  You must be hearing things."
     "Fuck you!"  Tarkin was sweating now, his gray hair
plastered to his forehead in clumps.  "I can do this,
goddamnit..."
     "If this is anal sex, it's not so bad."  Leia laughed. 
"Wake me up when you're done, Moffy."  Leia closed her eyes and
began snoring loudly.
     "I told you not to call me Moffy, Vader!" Tarkin screamed. 
"I'll have you fucking court-martialed for this!"
     "Oh, you're just pissed off about that 4000," Vader said. 
"Don't worry, I'll treat your personal assistant well.  I hope
he's as good as you said he is.  Where is he?"
     Tarkin moved his hips faster, panting with the exertion. 
His penis still dangled lifeless as a slaughtered nerf.  "My
assistant is standing next to you.  The stormtrooper.  Go ahead
and look, but you're not getting him.  I can do this!  I'm Grand
Muff Tarkin!"
     Vader looked over at the trooper, reached out, and slowly
lifted off his helmet, revealing the healthy, tanned features of
a blue-eyed boy.  The boy blew his unkempt, sandy blonde hair out
of his eyes and looked up at Vader in awe.
     "What's your name, boy?"
     "Luke, lord.  I was just posted on the station."
     "So I've heard."  Vader leaned in close.  "Why don't you go
over there and assist your former master.  He's old, you know,
it's embarrassing."
     "Yes, master."
     "Do you like girls?"
     Luke shrugged.  "They're okay.  I saw this one in a
holomessage once.  She's alright, except for the hair."
     "Do you think you're up to it?"
     A long, boyish grin spread out over Luke's features.  "No
problem.  It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home.  Just a
little smellier."
     With a last spasm of effort, Tarkin fainted on top of Leia,
his entire body as limp as his useless organ.  Leia rolled him
off the bed in disgust.
     "Well I wouldn't rank that in my top ten sexual experiences.
That Gamorrean at Star's End had more tact."  Leia sat up,
pulling off the leash and casting it aside.  Suddenly she noticed
Luke standing in front of her, smiling lasciviously.
     "Let me guess," Leia said.  "You just got posted here."
     "Yeah.  Never had this kind of duty before."  Luke pulled
off his white codpiece, revealing his genitals.  Leia looked them
over dispassionately.
     "Aren't you a little small for a stormtrooper?"
     "You'll find I'm full of surprises."  Luke bent over Tarkin,
pulled the blinking device off his scrotum, and attached it to
his own.  He was already erect.
     Leia lay back with a groan.  "At least you've gotten that
far.  Okay, get on with it."
     Luke entered her roughly, twisting his buttocks like a
corkscrew.  He began to move rhythmically, imagining he was
riding tailwinds and airpockets in his T-16.  Leia's vagina was
somewhat spacious, but not without a certain boyish charm.
     Vader looked on quietly, breathing heavily and polishing his
lightsaber.
     As the pleasure mounted, Luke suddenly heard a familiar
voice in his mind:
     USE THE FORCE, LUKE.
     Luke blinked.  "Is that you, old man?"
     Ben's voice took on a sarcastic edge.  NO, IT'S GANDHI.  WHO
THE FUCK ELSE TALKS TO YOU LIKE THIS?
     "Well Gandhi, what do you want now?"
     I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE RESORTED TO FEMALES.  I'M DEPRESSED.
     "Molest somebody else's mind, why don't you?"
     Leia broke in.  "Who the hell are you talking to?"
     "Nobody.  Shut up."
     PUSHY LITTLE CUNT, ISN'T SHE?  ALDERAANIANS ARE LIKE THAT. 
THE WOMEN FOR SURE.  THEY'RE LIKE A UNION.
     "Leave me alone, alright?  I'm trying to fuck here."
     OH YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S REALLY LOVING IT TOO.
     "Go to hell."
     YOU JUST CAN'T FACE THE FACT THAT THE BEST FUCKING YOU'LL
EVER GET IS RIGHT BACK IN THE DUNE SEA WITH ME.
     "It's a big universe.  I'll find something better."
     NO, YOU'RE ALONE.  YOU'RE ALL ALONE.  AND YOU WON'T BE FREE
OF THAT FEELING OF BEING ALONE UNTIL YOU LOOK DEATH RIGHT IN THE
FACE.  NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT...
     "That's 'cos it is.  You had your chance, you old bastard."
     SURE, LET GO LUKE.  TRUST YOUR FEELINGS.  FEEL THE FORCE
FLOWING THROUGH YOU.
     "Would you do me a big favor and fuck off?"
     YOUR EYES CAN DECEIVE YOU, DON'T TRUST THEM.  AN ELEGANT
WEAPON, OF A MORE CIVILIZED AGE.
     "I'm not listening.  This chick's pussy is a lot tighter
than your fat slack ass, you know that?"
     THE FORCE WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.  RUN, LUKE, RUN!
     "I used to call you Jabba the Butt behind your back."
     WHO'S MORE FOOLISH, THE FOOL, OR THE FOOL WHO FOLLOWS HIM?
     "Who's a fool, Knobby-One?  I've got a good job, a rich
master, and an Alderaanian girlfriend.  That'll be a pretty rare
commodity in a few seconds."  Luke shut his eyes, writhing in
pleasure.  Ben fell silent, momentarily at a loss.
     HEY, FUCKFACE.
     "What is it now?"
     DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BANGING YOUR SISTER?
     "Whatever."
     IT'S TRUE.
     Luke opened his eyes and looked at Leia, who now appeared to
be enjoying the experience.  She was smiling broadly and
entwining her fingers in Luke's pubic hair.  He examined her
features carefully for a resemblance.
     "You know what, old man?"
     WHAT, SKYFUCKER?
     "I don't give a flying fuck at the moons of Yavin.  Now get
ready to feel a great fucking disturbance in the Force!"
     Luke suddenly withdrew his penis and held it over Leia.  The
glans was nearly purple, swelling like a Gundark's bladder.  Leia
clutched at it with both hands, panting.
     "You're all clear, kid!" she cried out breathlessly.  "Now
let's blow this thing and go home!"  She opened her mouth and
stuck out her tongue.
     Luke cried out.  "I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!"
     With a spasm which racked his entire body, Luke's ejaculate
exploded like a supernova over Leia's flushed face.  She began
swallowing it hungrily.  Through the main viewport, there was a
green flash and a blinding light...
 
                                 *********
 
     Vader handed a steaming cup of coffee to Luke, who gulped it
eagerly.  He grimaced.
     "That's awful."
     Vader sat down next to him on the bed.  "You know, you're
going to be my personal servant now."
     "Yeah, I heard about the bet."
     "How do you feel about it?"
     "Okay I guess."  Luke looked him over.  "Are you like...a
normal man?"
     Vader chuckled.  "Oh no.  I'm a lot better than normal. 
Join me, and I'll complete your training.  With our combined
strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to
the galaxy."  Vader began rubbing the inside of Luke's thigh. 
"And uh, if we have a little fun in the process, who'll carp?"
     "Sure, why not?  But on one condition."
     "Name it."
     "I get to keep the girl."
     Vader thought for a moment.  "Alright.  But she can't sleep
in our room."
     "Fair enough."  Luke looked at the blinking panel of lights
on Vader's chest.  He began fingering them.  "What do these do,
anyway?"
     "You'll find out tonight."  Vader tenderly ran his other
hand through Luke's hair.
     Leia approached, wearing Tarkin's robe and carrying a tray
with two plates on it.  She smiled at them.
     "Okay, who's for a little Ewok surprise?"
     Vader and Luke both took the plates from her.  "What's the
surprise?" Vader asked.
     "The surprise is that you won't vomit."
     Luke took a tentative bite.  Vader opened the triangular
grid on his faceplate and shoveled a forkful in.
     "Not bad," said Luke.  "Not bad at all."
     Vader made an appreciative noise.  "Pretty fucking good."
     Leia's smile widened.  "I'm glad you like it."
     In a few moments, the food had disappeared.  Luke began
wiping crumbs off of Vader's mask.
     "I've gotta take Moffy to the infirmary," Vader said.  "Have
her clean up.  Be waiting for me in my quarters by 0900."
     "I'll be ready."
     Vader got up, hoisted Tarkin's nude, unconscious body over
his shoulder, and left the bridge.  Leia sat down next to Luke
and patted his knee.  Slowly he put an arm around her, and they
lay back on the bed, staring at the newly-formed Alderaanian
asteroid field through the viewscreen.
     "Leia?"
     "What?"
     "You're not pissed at me, are you?  For blowing up your
planet?"
     "Nah.  It was true what everybody said about the place.  A
bunch of hotheaded pricks and egomaniacal tightasses.  I doubt
anyone will even want to investigate.  In fact..." Leia grinned
devilishly, "I think it might have made it better.  The sex, I
mean.  All those millions of voices screaming out in
terror...then being suddenly silenced."  She licked her teeth
erotically.
     "So you liked it?"
     "Yeah.  In fact..."
     "What?"
     "What's the next nearest inhabited planet?"
     "It's uh...Tatooine."
     Leia reached over into Luke's pants and began massaging him
gently.  He started to become erect immediately.  "Whattya say?"
     "Don't you need a little more time to recover?"
     Leia laughed, rolled over on top of Luke, took out his
penis, and begin licking the head in circular motions.
     Leia's blue eyes glittered darkly.  "I guess," she intoned,
her voice slightly muffled by Luke's foreskin, "you don't know
everything about women yet."
 
      Lando peered coldly through a thickening cloud of
 Tibanna gas pipe smoke.  He threw his multi-colored sabacc
 cards to the floor with a grunt of disgust.
      "You slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler."
      Han grinned broadly.  "You stuck up, half-witted,
 scruffy-looking nerf-herder."
      "Cum-burping, butt-smuggling, two-bit Correllian jizz-
 wailer."
      Han dropped his cards and cracked his knuckles.  "Come
 on, Lando.  I don't want to have to sick Chewie on you.
 Let's see some skin."
      Lando slowly stood up from the table, wearing only a
 tight g-string made of Calamarian leather.  The rest of his
 clothes lay in a small pile on the floor.  Also seated at
 the circular table were Chewbacca, Boba Fett, and IG-88,
 all in various states of undress.  Han was the only one
 still fully-clothed.  They were playing on an open balcony
 adjacent to Lando's suite, offering a magnificent view of
 the Cloud City Skyline at sunset.
      Lando awkwardly peeled off the g-string, allowing his
 sizable penis to flip free and dangle in the Bespin breeze.
 His scrotum had shrunk to the size of a walnut.  Han leaned
 back in his chair, stuffing his winnings into his pockets.
      He smirked.  "Look at you.  Titty hard-ons, nuts
 sucked in tighter than your stomach.  You look like a
 first-timer.  Who'd have thought that, huh?  Are you afraid
 your mom's gonna walk in?"
      "It's that goddamn Wookie.  He keeps sniffing my ass."
      Chewbacca flexed his shoulder muscles and grunted.
 "Rrrrggg rowwrr, rreearrrr, raaahhhrr."  (On Kashyyyk, one
 born so poorly hung would be left to die on the Great
 Mountain of Moopsac.)
      Lando glared at Chewie.  "What the fuck is he saying?"
      Han shrugged.  "Beats the shit outta me."
      "He's your pet, isn't he?  I thought you understood
 his language."
      "Language?  He's just a big grunting animal.  I doubt
 he's thinking cosmic thoughts.  What would we talk about,
 anyway?"
      "Rrrghh raaaruu roooghgg rarahh."  (I could have a
 more stimulating conversation with a mild case of Brigian
 crabs.)
      Boba Fett, wearing only his helmet, broke in.  "If
 he's so dumb, how come he can pilot your ship and fix it
 quicker than you can, Solo?"
      Han lit the bud on the gas pipe and inhaled sharply.
 His voice took on a high pitch as he held the gas in his
 lungs.  "Typical Skinnerian reward/punishment training."
 He exhaled slowly.  "How did you think?  Documentaries?"
      "Raaa rourreh ree rahh."  (Sure, fucknuts.  He taught
 me.  Shit, I'm only 165 years older than anybody else at
 this table.)
      Han stood up.  "Okay, Lando, enough stalling.  You
 know the rules.  You lost your dignity fair and square.
 It's time to pay the piper."
      Lando's penis retracted an inch as he shuddered.
 "Can't I pay you guys in credits this time?"
      IG-88 stood up with a mechanical whir.  A staccato,
 synthesized southern drawl emanated from his vocoder.
 "Calrissian, I didn't come all the goddamn way to the
 asshole of space just to whack over a tech manual.  My
 joint is almost frozen.  I ain't takin' off 'til I get it
 off, so spread 'em, ya fuckin' asshole."
      Lando reluctantly switched off the sabacc field and
 lay down on his stomach, draping himself over the table.
 "Fuckin' bounty hunters.  I told you we didn't need this
 scum, Solo.  Don't you give a rat's ass about me anymore?"
      Han unzipped his pants and began massaging his penis,
 making it erect.  "Fuck you, if I'd lost, you'd be able to
 fly the Falcon through your shit-eating grin."
      "Come on, you old pirate.  Double or nothing?"
      "Double what?  Have you grown another asshole
 recently?"
      Chewie parted the fur on his groin, and his furry
 black organ slowly emerged, like some kind of mutant
 digworm testing the air.  Lando spied it and his eyes
 widened in horror.
      "Holy fuck," he whispered, his teeth chattering.
 "That's no dick.  It's a space station."
      "Better let him be, it's not wise to upset a wookie
 with wood."  Han was now at half-mast.
      "Fuck you, Han.  Nobody worries about upsetting a
 Tibanna gas mine administrator who's down on his luck."
      "That's 'cos Tibanna gas mine administrators don't
 have two-foot cocks that could blast a hole in a shield
 door."
      Lando began sweating in terror.  "I've got a bad
 feeling about this."
      Boba Fett hissed sharply.  "What if Calrissian doesn't
 survive?  He's no good to me dead.  Well...not much good,
 anyway."
      Han bit his lip, his face reddening.  "You can go
 before Chewie, okay?  If he dies before your turn, then
 check in at a jump joint.  Either that or make sure you can
 set the shower on Slave 1 to 'cold', 'cos I'm sure as shit
 not touchin' your greasy ass."
      Lando, his eyes still locked on Chewie's member, was
 barely able to form words.  "This deal's getting worse all
 the time."
      Chewie chortled.  "Rrrr rgaarghh reurrrarh roowarrhh."
 (If Mallatobuck could see me now she'd shit.  A human
 rectum has all the resistance of wet tissue paper.  Christ
 knows what I'll catch from this faggot.  Oh, how I long for
 the mighty, fur-lined cunts of Kashyyyk!)
      IG-88 sprayed oil on his gleaming penile attachment.
 "We need a battin' order, boys.  If the dog goes last,
 who's on first?"
      Han grabbed Lando's buttocks and pulled them apart,
 surveying his quivering anus.  "I am."  He spit on his
 fingers and lubricated his cock.
      Lando groaned.  "Come on, Solo.  Gimme a break.  What
 about my little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab?  Isn't
 that worth a reprieve?"
      "Have you forgotten about your 'little maneuver' at
 the Orgy of Mytus VII?"
      Lando rolled his eyes.  "That was a long time ago, I'm
 sure everybody's forgotten about that by now."
      Fett piped up.  "Mytus VII?  There's no such planet."
      Han stuck his finger into Lando's ass, loosening it
 up.  "They changed the name to Mytus VIII after the Orgy.
 Too much bad press."
      Lando squirmed at the sensation of Solo's cold index
 finger.  "I was...just following orders."
      "Rrrahhh rowrr rrerahhr reeereghar."  (At least
 Kamarrian Howlrunners have a little fight to them.  All
 these humans do is talk, talk, talk.)
      Han positioned his cock squarely, aiming it.  "Cheer
 up, Lando.  You should be honored makin' it with a
 scoundrel like me.  I've got the death penalty for
 statutory rape in twelve systems."
      Suddenly, a familiar low-pitched voice burst onto the
 balcony.  "Sure, Captain Solo.  Maybe a long time ago, in
 a galaxy far, far away."  Darth Vader, followed by a
 retinue of stormtroopers, slid the balcony door open and
 stepped through, his black cape billowing menacingly.
      Han spun quickly and drew his blaster, already firing.
 The bolts ricocheted harmlessly off Vader's outstretched
 hand, and Han felt an invisible force rip the gun from his
 grasp and pull it across the room into Vader's palm.  Then
 another invisible force yanked his zipper up sharply,
 catching his erect cock.  Han screamed and fell to his
 knees, clutching himself.
      Lando sprang off the table, rubbing his ass.  He
 smiled broadly and mussed Han's hair, laughing.  "I had no
 choice.  They arrived right before you did.  Sorry, man.
 Whew!"  He shook his head and began putting his clothes
 back on.
      Vader handed Han's blaster to one of his stormtroopers
 and began collecting the credits on the sabacc table into
 a pocket on his cape.  "I'm afraid you boys are gonna have
 to come with me.  We understand that certain illicit
 substances are being distributed from this station."  Vader
 picked up the Tibanna gas pipe and examined it.  "How
 interesting.  Some kind of musical instrument?"
      Lando shook his head innocently.  "Solo brought that
 with him, Lord Vader.  I was just about to report him to
 the authorities."
      Han hissed through clenched teeth, still cradling his
 wounded prick.  "Yeah, you're a real fuckin' hero."
      Chewie leaned against the balcony railing and shook
 his head.  "Rrrrarhhrrhh rauuurhhh roooorrgharh rrrr."
 (This asshole Solo certainly has a way with people.  What
 a fuckin' mess.  But this tall black one shows a little
 promise.  Hmm...)  He eyed Vader's stout, 7 foot frame
 admiringly.
      Lando slapped his hands together, smiling.  "So, who
 here's in the mood for a little Chinese?"

                       *********

      A thick blast of steam filled the dimly-lit carbon
 freezing chamber.   Vader waved the steam out of his face,
 sucking the last dregs of his wonton soup through a straw.
 He belched appreciatively.  "My compliments to your Chinese
 cooks, Calrissian.  Have them brought to my ship.  They're
 gonna take a little star trek with me for a while."
      Lando stepped forward indignantly, chewing.  He
 dropped his fortune to the floor, unread.  "Hey, man, you
 said the cooks would be left in the city under my
 supervision!"
      "Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?"
      Lando rolled his eyes.  "Oh, no, you're treating me
 like a king.  I offer you free food, you kidnap my cooks.
 I'm so happy!"
      "Quit bitching.  If not for me, you'd have that
 wookie's schwanz halfway up your lower G.I. right now."
      "I could've dealt with that.  But I like Chinese!"
      Chewie, surrounded by an armed guard of several
 stormtroopers, barked out a laugh.  "Rarrharh rheeahr!"
 (Sure, Calrissian, you could have dealt.  And we're all
 gonna picnic on Alderaan next week with the Imperial
 Senate.)
      Han, his hands bound behind his back, was led onto the
 carbon freezing platform.  "Laugh it up, fuzzball.  You're
 too dumb to realize that I'll be probably be hanging in
 Jabba's sculpture garden in a couple of days."
      "Roowarrh raahahrhrr reeerrarroww."  (You're breakin'
 my fuckin' heart.  Maybe I'll drop by every few years and
 hose the pigeon shit off you.)
      Boba Fett nudged Vader gently.  "What if he doesn't
 survive..."
      Vader brushed his hand away.  "Then he'll be dead.
 And two plus two is four.  Anything else need clearing up?"
      Suddenly, Luke Skywalker burst into the chamber,
 tightly gripping a somewhat poorly-constructed lightsaber.
 "Alright, what the fuck's taking so long?"
      Leia scampered in after him, wearing only a silver bra
 and panties.  She began tugging on Luke's arm.  "Come on,
 Luke.  You're not done with your training yet."
      Luke jerked his arm away roughly.  "Hey, Vader, what's
 the story?  Why wasn't I invited to this little party?"
      Vader approached Luke and patted his groin gently.
 "The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a
 Jedi yet.  Now get back to our cabin and wait for me."
      Han, noticing Luke, piped up.  "Hokey religions and
 ancient weapons are no match for a good Corellian cock in
 your mouth, kid.  I expected more from you."  Luke,
 noticing Han for the first time, pushed Vader aside and
 approached.
      "Han, old buddy."
      "How are you doin, kid?"
      "Same as always."
      "That bad, huh?"
      Han looked over Luke's saber.  "Make that yourself?"
      "Yeah."
      "I thought so.  Back on that dustball you told me you
 gave up all this space samurai jive.  'Happy Forceshit' you
 used to call it, remember?  Why the change of heart?"
      "Well," Luke shrugged, motioning to Vader.  "I gotta
 earn my keep somehow.  It makes the old man happy, so I go
 along with it."
      Han eyed Leia appreciatively.  "Who's your new prick
 cozy?"
      Luke grinned.  "Princess Leia Organa, last of the
 Alderaanian cock-squashers.  The same chick we saw in that
 message."
      "No shit?  Damn, kid, you really turned her around."
      Leia approached, adjusting her bra over her abnormally
 large breasts.  She pinched Luke's ass.  "Who's your
 friend?"
      "Gambler, con artist, scoundrel, you'll like him.
 Leia, meet Han Solo."
      Han leaned forward and kissed Leia's hand.  "Must
 admit, Your Highness, your wood factor has gone up a lot
 since that holomessage."
      Luke ran his hand through Leia's lustrous, long hair.
 "Well, her hair's different, for one thing.  And these,"
 Luke grabbed one of Leia's breasts, squeezing it, "are
 brand new.  The latest T-38's from Silica IV."
      Leia gently pulled Luke's hand away.  "Careful, honey,
 they're still kinda sensitive."
      Han's gaze caressed Leia's bosom.  "Well, Your
 Highness, I guess this is it.  Too bad."
      "That's right."  Leia began pulling Luke away from the
 freezing platform.
      "What's going on?"  Luke glared at Leia, miffed.
      "What are you, blind?  He's being put into carbon
 freeze."
      "What?  That's bullshit!"
      "Hey, he chose his own path.  Nobody chose it for
 him."
      "He's my friend, bitch, you don't even know him!"
      "Alderaanian women can tell about people.  And careful
 who you call 'bitch.'"
      Vader coughed, interrupting.  "I hate to break this
 up, but I'd rather not be here forever.  Mr. Freeze?"
      "He'd better survive this," Fett grumbled.
      One of the stormtroopers moved to the carbon freezing
 control panel.  Luke immediately ignited his lightsaber.
 Its sickly yellow beam sputtered and flashed.  He brought
 it down on the trooper's head, splitting it in half.
 Sizzling hot blood sprayed Luke's face, and the trooper
 flopped to the floor like a rag doll.
      The other stormtroopers were already taking their aim
 when Vader shouted, "Wait, hold your fire!  He's just a
 little angry, let him work it out."
      Luke advanced on one of the other troopers, who
 pointed his blaster at him shakily.  "Uh, Lord Vader?" the
 trooper asked urgently.
      "What is it?"
      "How about I just stun him?"
      "No, don't interfere."
      "Please, Lord?"
      "Just follow orders, shitbird."
      "Oh, fuc..."  The troopers last words were cut short
 by Luke's saber, which sliced through his helmet into his
 neck.  Luke wrenched the saber free, leaving the trooper's
 helmeted head dangling from his neck by a slender ribbon of
 flesh.  The trooper began running around wildly, until he
 smashed against a wall and slumped in a twitching heap,
 spouting blood from his neck like a fountain.
      Vader smiled.  "Do you feel the Force, my boy?"
      Luke grinned hellishly, his face red, as he
 dismembered the rest of the passive and sheepish-looking
 stormtrooper squad.  "Yeah, this is fun!  I feel the Force
 for the first time in my life!  It's like having the
 biggest hard-on in the universe!"
      "You've learned much, young one."  Vader nudged Lando
 and motioned to Luke.  "I taught him everything, you know."
      Chewie shook his head as he observed the steadily
 growing pile of bodies.  "Reearaghhr." (The last cup of
 Ruurian decaf I had was stronger than all these cheesedicks
 put together.)
      When the last of the troopers was dead, Luke preened
 happily, nearly slipping in their viscera.  He beamed at
 Vader.
      "I want more guys!  Send for more guys!"
      "Game's over now, my son.  Sorry, but we've gotta
 freeze your friend.  Leia, will you..."
      Leia nodded and karate-chopped Luke lightly on the
 back of the neck.  He fell immediately.

                       *********

      Luke awoke to find himself held fast by IG-88.  He
 struggled uselessly.  88 laughed.
      "Give it up, farm boy.  You struggle like a bitch-pup
 on a paper leash.  Hey Vader, looks like you done hooked
 yourself a sow instead of a boar."
      "Shut up, 88," Vader hissed.
      Luke looked around.  They were all still in the carbon
 freezing facility.  "How long have I been out?"
      Vader glanced at his watch.  "Two hours."
      "Two hours?  What were you all doing?"
      "Waiting."
      "Why is this metal prick groping me?"
      "You've gotta learn discipline."
      "Is Han...?"
      Han was sitting cross-legged on the freezing platform.
 "I'm still here, kid.  We couldn't have you sleeping
 through the big dramatic scene, and the Dark Lord over
 there wouldn't wake you up.  Tell that chick to pull her
 punch next time."  Solo got up, groaning slightly at his
 stiff joints.
      "I've been lifting, okay?"  Leia snorted, cleaning her
 nails.  "Suck my left."
      "Love to, your Highnessness.  Hope the milk isn't as
 sour as your puss."
      "Is that all you do?  Talk?"
      "Sorry, your Worship," Han grinned.  "Haven't got time
 for anything else."
      Chewie suddenly roared in frustration.
 "Rarearrhgharh!"  (For Christ's sake, freeze the
 sonofabitch and let's get on with our lives!)
      "Here, here."  Vader motioned to Leia, who pressed a
 button on the freezing control.  Han was slowly lowered
 into the freezing pit.  Luke struggled uselessly against
 88.  He looked deeply into Han's eyes.
      "I love you."  A tear streamed down his face.
      Han looked back at Luke, sadly shaking his head.  "It
 was just sex, kid.  There'll be another time.  The
 Princess.  You've got to...take care of her, you know?
 Show her who's the boss.  Don't let her geld you.  Every
 man has a lightsaber.  Doesn't matter how big it is.  It's
 how he uses it."
      Leia laughed, rolling her eyes.  "Okay, thanks for
 that Kaiburr Crystal of wisdom.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't
 the only skirt in this saga."
      "Join the club," Han grumbled.  "Wonderful girl, Luke.
 Either I'm gonna fuck her or I'm beginning to like her.
      The platform hit the bottom, and a jet of steam filled
 the pit.  Han's eyes opened wide.  "Hey, kid, this isn't so
 bad!  You should try..." His words were cut short as the
 carbonite poured in.
      Luke spoke bitterly as 88 released him.  "Oh, man.
 There goes my ride."
      A huge mechanical claw lifted the block of carbonite
 out of the pit and set it upright.  A couple of Ugnaughts
 scurried in and tipped the block over.  It landed with a
 huge thud.
      A few parts of Han's body were protruding from the
 carbonite, completely uncovered, including his mouth and
 groin.  He coughed out a few fragments of carbonite,
 clearing his throat.
      "What the fuck?  I have a feeling something went
 wrong."
      Vader rubbed his helmet, frustrated.  "Calrissian,
 what's the story?"
      Lando threw his hands up, indignant.  "I told you we
 don't usually use this for freezing people.  We can do it
 again, if you want."
      "No, no, no, never mind.  It's embarrassing enough as
 it is."  He glanced at Boba Fett.  "Do you mind?"
      "As long as he survives..."
      "I'm glad you're so concerned with everyone's
 survival."  Vader began pointing at everyone in the room.
 "Well look, he survived, I survived, you survived..."
      "Hey, it's money, you know?"
      "We oughta form a band, call ourselves 'The
 Survivors.'"
      Hans lips moved quickly.  "Come on, this sucks, let me
 out!"
      Luke yelled at Vader.  "Let him out.  He's my friend."
      Vader chuckled.  "Oh, I don't know if he'd survive
 that.  What do you think, Boba?"
      "Fuck you."
      "Fuck me?!"  Vader blanched in mock horror.  "Oooh,
 how can I survive such abuse!"
      Fett flicked Vader off and left in a huff, shouting.
 "Just leave Solo there, I'll come back for him.  Prick."
      Luke approached Vader, an intense look on his face.
 He gripped his makeshift saber tightly.  "Alright, Sugar
 Daddy.  Let my friend out, or we're gonna have a problem."
      Vader shoved him back roughly.  "What are you gonna
 do, fuck me to death?"  Vader motioned to Luke, and Luke's
 zipper immediately went down.  His prick was pulled out of
 his pants by an invisible force.
      Luke shook his head.  "You're not gonna get me with
 that again.  I've got you wrapped around my little finger,
 Darth.  If I withhold sex for a day I can have you
 squirming on the floor eating my shit like a starving
 gravel-maggot."
      Leia called out to Luke in a stern tone.  "Come on,
 Luke, do what he says."
      "Bullshit, Leia.  You didn't see us alone in the South
 Passage.  He expressed his true feelings for me.  You've
 never heard such sappy horseshit in your life.  He'd die
 without me."  Luke snapped on his lightsaber and brandished
 it before him.
      Vader reluctantly pulled out his saber and switched it
 on.  Its powerful red beam made Luke's look pitiful in
 comparison.  He laughed.  "You've learned much, young one,
 but you've still got a long way to go.  Look at your saber,
 for Christ's sake.  It bends the wrong way.  You don't want
 to fight me."
      Luke smiled.  "You'll find I'm full of..."
      Without warning, Vader spun Luke's saber out of his
 hand, and brought his own saber down on Luke's penis,
 severing it completely.  Luke screamed and fell to the
 floor, clutching his groin.  Vader circled him
 triumphantly, leaning over and taunting him.
      "Full of what?  What were you gonna say?  Formex?
 Boiled chak-root, maybe?  Fresh bacta?  What exactly are
 you full of?"  Vader switched off his saber and clipped it
 to his belt, then kicked Luke's penis over to him.  "You
 don't want to leave this lying around, you know, someone
 might trip."
      Chewie cringed.  "Raeeggarrh roooeeer rawwar."  (Never
 thought I'd feel sorry for a human, but that's gotta smart.
 Damn.)
      Leia shook her head.  "Goddamnit.  I told him.  Dumb
 fuck."
      Vader kneeled down in front of Luke.  "You are beaten.
 It is useless to resist.  Don't make me destroy you."
      Luke hissed through his teeth.  "Oh, no, I wouldn't
 want you to do anything drastic!  You fucker!"  He rolled
 on the floor in agony.
      "I know you're pissed now, but it was for your own
 good.  Someday you'll understand..."
      "Understand?!  When?!  When it grows back?!"
      "Oh, stop whining.  Hey, Obi-Wan never told you what
 happened to your father, did he?"
      "He told me enough!  He told me you killed him, which
 was bullshit, of course.  Actually he got gang-fucked to
 death by a bunch of..."
      "No...I am your father."
      Luke looked up at him.  "Oh, great.  It's bad enough
 I was fucking my own sister.  This makes Oedipus Rex look
 like 'My Three Sons.'"
      "What?!"  Leia yelled from the back of the room.
 "What was that about a sister?"
      "Leia, you're my sister.  Vader's our Dad."
      "Sure.  And Lando's our mom, I guess.  That makes
 these Ugnaughts our half-brothers."
      Lando began backing away.  "This is too weird for me.
 Fuck this, I'm Audi 5000."  Lando ran from the room,
 followed by the jabbering group of Ugnaughts.
      IG-88 walked stiffly toward the exit, following them
 out.  "Y'all have a lot of catchin' up to do.  Adios."
      Han piped up from inside the carbonite.  "Is anybody
 here related to me?  I'd like to know now, before I fuck
 anyone else."
      Leia sat down on Han, scratching her breasts.  "Don't
 worry, you're safe.  Jesus, this is twisted."
      "Looks like father and son have a lot to work out over
 there."
      "Yeah."
      "Hey Princess.  Seein' as how we're not related, and
 this might be my last chance for a while...How'd you like
 a hearty breakfast of Corellian sausage with gravy?"
      Leia examined Han's penis, which dangled free of the
 carbonite block.  She flicked it lightly with her finger,
 weighing her options.  "I don't know."
      "Well Luke's out of commission for a while.  And
 Vader's your...well, you'd be swallowing what could have
 been another brother or sister, you know."
      Han's penis began filling with blood.  Leia shrugged.
 "What the hell."  She began flicking at it lightly with her
 tongue, letting it grow upward to meet her lips.  Han
 groaned.
      "You're one of those chicks with a thing for pirates,
 aren't you?"
      Leia licked her lips, tasting Han's pre-ejaculate.  "I
 happen to like nice men."
      "I'm nice men."
      "We'll see."  Han's cock was fully erect now, and she
 took it languidly into her mouth, covering most of its
 length.  She twisted her head from side to side, biting
 down slightly and gently washing it with her tongue.
      "Oh, baby.  It's kinda nice bein' frozen.  Oh,
 yeah..."  He gritted his teeth at the sensations.
      Leia's head bobbed up and down rhythmically over his
 cock.  With her hand she played with his balls, which were
 soft and pliable from the heat.  Slowly, she lifted her
 mouth away from him and began working his cock with her
 hand.  She slid down with her tongue and began sucking
 Solo's testicles.  She went from one to the other, letting
 each pop into her mouth from the suction.
      Meanwhile, Vader was running his hand through Luke's
 hair, trying to console him.
      "Luke, you can destroy the Emperor.  He has foreseen
 this."
      "I wish he'd warned me about this part."
      "It is your destiny."
      "Oh, fuck off."  Luke began dragging himself away from
 Vader, leaving an enormous trail of blood.  "Everybody's
 always tellin' me about my destiny.  'Be a farmer, Luke,'
 'Be a jedi, Luke,' 'Be a pirate, Luke.'  'Stay on
 Tatooine,' 'Go to Dagobah', 'Go to Hell.'  'Suck dick,'
 'Eat pussy.'  I'm sick of all you twisted old motherfuckers
 telling me what to do.  I'm gonna choose my destiny!"
      "And exactly what are you gonna choose?"
      "I don't know yet!  Everything looks pretty shitty so
 far.  But when I find something..."
      "Sure, keep dreaming.  Your old man's as good as
 you'll get, boy."  Vader picked Luke's penis up off the
 floor and put it in his belt.  He stood up and straightened
 his robe.  "I'll be back on my ship waiting for you.  But
 don't take too long."  He left.
      Leia was tracing the veins on Han's cock with her
 tongue, marveling at his staying power.  "You're not too
 shabby, Corellian.  Luke never lasted more than 30 seconds
 in my mouth."
      "The kid's got a lot to learn."
      Leia looked up at Chewie, who was watching
 dispassionately while checking himself for parasites.
 "Who's the walking carpet over there?"
      "That's Chewbacca, my co-pilot."
      "Why doesn't he join us?"
      "I don't know, sister, he's a little big."
      "You forget, I'm Alderaanian."  She motioned to
 Chewie.  "Here boy, come on, here boy!  Mama's got
 something nice for you."
      Chewie laughed.  "Reeauurhgahh raaahh."  (No respect
 for her elders.  Aw, what the fuck.  I'll give this chesty
 one something to regret in the morning.)  He walked
 casually over.  Leia was huddled over Han's groin, her ass
 in the air.  Chewie hooked one curled claw under the strap
 of her bikini briefs and ripped them off.  He surveyed her
 vagina, spreading it with his thumbs.
      "Roooarrhh raagarr reeeoouurarrh."  ('It is easier for
 a Rancor to pass through the eye of a needle...')
      "Come on, Chewie," Han urged.  "Get in there, you big
 furry oaf.  I don't care what you smell."
      Chewie lubricated his cock as best he could and
 inserted it, half-erect, into Leia's cunt.  She gasped at
 the sensation.
      "Jeeezus Christ!  How much of you is there?"
      "Reearrreeuhhgh rawarr." (You don't want to know,
 honey.)
      Chewie began pumping his hips rhythmically, driving
 himself into Leia as far as he could go.  Half of his cock
 was still outside her as it continued its merciless
 expansion.  He leaned forward and bit Leia on the shoulder
 viciously.  She let out a muffled cry of pain, climaxing at
 the same time, and momentarily forgetting about Han's cock,
 which was still pressed enthusiastically against her uvula.
 Blood began to stream from the wound in her shoulder.
      Chewie withdrew his fangs and settled into an
 easygoing stroke, starting to enjoy the sensations of
 Leia's vagina (which was of course remarkably small by
 wookie standards.)  Leia panted and moaned desperately,
 sweat flying from her and spattering Han's lips.
      "Hey, Chewie, what the hell's going on back there?"
 Han's mouth turned down at the edges, frowning.
      "Reearrahrhra rooooaaruaur reeeaaarrhghh."  (I could
 develop a taste for this.  Forgive me, Malla.)  He
 continued stroking, the tension steadily mounting.  Leia's
 eyes fluttered as she teetered on the brink of
 unconsciousness.
      "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..."
      From the other side of the chamber, Luke watched
 bitterly, still using both hands to staunch the bleeding
 from his groin.  "Boy, I hope you're all having fun over
 there.  Never mind Luke who just got his dick cut off and
 carried into space by his own father.  Just let him watch
 his only sister get fucked by a dog, no problem.  He
 doesn't mind."
      Leia screamed out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  Her panting
 breaths began to assume an almost musical tone.  She was
 sure Chewie's prick would certainly tear her in half.
      Chewie began emitting a strange, low pitched growl.
      "Please let that sound mean he's about to come."
 Han's cock flopped against her cheek as she was jerked back
 and forth.
      "Bingo, your Highness." Han said.  "It won't be too
 much longer."
      With a spasm that seemed to shake the entire floor,
 Chewie climaxed, expelling a thick load of semen into Leia.
 He roared mightily as it overflowed her cunt, squeezing out
 past his cock and splashing onto the floor.
      Leia exhaled, exhausted.  "I'm glad he's not multi-
 orgasmic.  I can practically taste it.  Remind me never to
 do this again."  She began kissing Han's cock gratefully.
 "Thank God for the average.  Now let's get him out of me so
 I can clean up."
      Han chuckled.  "'Fraid not, your Worship."
      "What?"
      "Well, you see, a wookie's penis expands inside the
 vagina during intercourse.  Barring an episiotomy, there's
 no way we can get him out of you for at least the next 8
 hours."
      "You're kidding, right?"
      "Nope."
      Leia rubbed her forehead, exhausted.  "My mother
 warned me there'd be days like this."
      Luke glared at the three of them, muttering under his
 breath.  "Fuck you all."

                       *********

      In the Cloud City medical center, Two-One-Bee was
 putting the finishing touches on Luke's new penis.  Under
 remote control, it hardened and softened at intervals of 30
 seconds.
      Luke yawned.  "Is it done yet?"
      "Just a moment, sir."  Two-One-Bee began poking the
 penis with a sharp-edged prod.  Luke winced.
      "Ow!  What the fuck is that for?"
      "I don't know."  Two-One-Bee withdrew the prod.
      Luke got up from his bed and walked around the room,
 gently stroking his new organ.  "Well, I'd like to test
 this thing out.  How 'bout it, sis?"
      Leia lay on her stomach in the bed next to his, her
 ass heavily bandaged.  She frowned at him.  "Very funny,
 Luke.  This droid says I won't be able to piss without his
 help for a couple more weeks.  Fuckin' wookie."
      "I guess now you appreciate me a little more."
      "Don't jump to conclusions.  Solo is better than you
 are."
      "That reminds me.  You'll have to do without him for
 a while.  I gave him to Boba Fett.  They oughta be half-way
 to Tatooine by now."
      Leia suddenly looked confused.  "Wait a second.  We
 blew up Tatooine with the Death Star, remember?  Along with
 Akrit'tar, Ammuud, Dellalt, Orron III..."
      "I meant Dantooine.  Jabba the Hutt has a summer place
 there.  I'm sure he wasn't on Tatooine when it blew."
      "So you gave up your best friend just to spite me?"
      "Yep.  I don't give a shit.  I'll make lots of friends
 with my new dick."
      "You're becoming quite a mercenary.  Do you actually
 care about anything, or anybody?"
      "Apart from me?"
      "Yeah."
      "Nope."
      "That's what I figured."  Leia spat in disgust and
 picked up a magazine.
      Luke tapped Two-One-Bee on the shoulder.  "So how long
 can I last during sex with this thing?"
      "However long you want to, sir."
      "And I can make it as big as I want?"
      "The synthetic skin is tested up to 15 inches."
      Luke laughed.  "You better get used to this hospital,
 Leia.  Shit, I'll have half the city in here with sore
 asses in a week."
      "Yeah, right," Leia grumbled.  "Our dad might have
 something to say about that."
      "Oh, fuck our Dad.  He can jerk off up there 'til his
 orbit decays.  What did he ever do for us?  He can't stop
 me.  With my new prick I'm gonna learn the ways of the
 Force and become a Jedi.  Then nobody can fuck with me.
 I'll show 'em.  I'll show the whole fuckin' galaxy.  They
 won't soon forget the name Skywalker."
      Luke pulled on a pair of pants.  "Hey, droid, where's
 the elementary school in this city?  Might as well start
 with the little ones first.  Everybody'll know who their
 real Daddy is soon.  Big Daddy Luke."
      "I think you should rest for a bit longer, sir.  How
 do you feel?"
      Luke gripped his new prick tightly, caressing its
 flank.  "Young, baby."  He grinned malevolently as he
 strode out of the medical center.  "I feel young!"


