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Hercules and Xena 1, A Pain in the Ass
From: none notarealaddress@nowhere.com 
Date: 02/2000 

***


What follows is an adult story based loosely on some of the
characters from the Hercules and Xena television show, but is not
a challenge to their copyrights in any way. Also, as I don't
actually watch the shows, don't expect much in the way of accuracy. 
It is an adult story, and deals with all sorts of icky things, so
if you're under 21, go read societally approved smut like the Bible
(anything about Soddam or Gomorrah is good), the Senate Tailhook
Investigation findings, or the Starr report. Last, but certainly
not least, don't try any of this stuff at home, and if you do take
some pictures and mail them to me, ok?
This story can be freely distributed or archived as long as
you don't charge for it. And thus, without further ado...

Hercules and Xena Chapter 1: A Pain in the Ass
(anal, fdom, nc, one rabbit, mostly setup)


Ares stood silently, leaning against an old poplar tree
weathered by time and the elements. Below him lay a plain where
prairie grass swayed in a light breeze and several fawns frolicked. 
It was utterly revolting.
The plain should have been littered with the dead and dying by
now, as two mighty armies fought to the death. Instead, a rabbit
was sniffing a flower, a flower that by all rights should have been
trampled under the foot of an enraged swordsman. A priest of Ares,
having had the misfortune of drawing the short straw, approached
his lord with news.
"What happened?" Ares asked his soon to be demised servant.
"My greatness, it appears that your flawless plan was
sabotaged by Hercules and Xena. They intercepted your agents, and
were able to return the princess before she was forced to perform
the live sex show for the entire Pompeii army, and the... er... act
with the twenty tubs of butter and the steel chicken. They were
also able to prove to Thebes that the entire plot was yours, and
that Pompeii was in no way responsible. Thebes and Pompeii are
currently signing a treaty proclaiming themselves buds for life."
"Anything else?"
"Hercules and Xena also saved a small child from being bitten
by a rather nasty aardvark. I don't believe that one was yours
though, your magnificence."
As Ares stood brooding, his high priest cringed, fully
expecting to be turned into a crispy, electrocuted ex-priest. 
After some time, Ares spoke. "Thank you, I'd like to be alone for
awhile now."
As his high priest beat a hasty retreat, Ares pondered what
his life had recently become. He would hatch an evil plot of some
brilliance, and Hercules or Xena would foil it. Over and over
again. Really, there was only one thing he could do. He set his
brow, squared his shoulders, and summoned his divine will.
*****
Hercules, Xena, and Gabrielle, were travelling the land, in
search of wrongs to right. Though their relationships were totally
platonic, they had discovered they enjoyed working together, and
made a good team. The light banter that had been going on all
morning quickly evaporated as their frequent enemy Ares, god of
war, appeared before them.
Expecting to be attacked by an angry god of war, all three
heros instantly prepared themselves for battle. When it began to
look like Ares had no intention of fighting them, the heros began
to relax, and gradually became puzzled as the god of war just stood
there. Finally, Ares spoke.
"Hercules, half-brother, Xena, leather-bitch, blonde with the
perky tits, I came to congratulate you. You win. I quit."
Oratory not being his strong suit, Hercules managed only a
startled, "huh?" Instantly he began trying to figure out what ploy
Ares had in mind.
"You've won. You've foiled all my plots. All of them. So
I'm quitting the war business. There will be no more conflict, no
more strife. No more battles or ambushes. No more pirates or
armies. You've won."
Hercules remained unconvinced, as Xena spoke, "But what will
you do with yourself? You're a god of war, you can't just quit."
Ares smiled slightly, an expression no one could remember
seeing on his face since he walked in on Aphrodite banging a group
of midget vikings. "Hades is always looking for a chance to take
a vacation. Maybe he'll let me run the underworld for a few
centuries. After that, who knows. Take up an instrument, play
some shuffleboard, whatever. Anyway, good luck you crazy kids."
With that, Ares disappeared, and a strange sensation of peace
settled over the land...
****************
Hercules head lay on the floor of his room, in a pile of
vomit. He hoped the vomit was his. It had been three months since
Ares had disappeared and in that time Hercules had not had a single
erection. He had hired the best whores, prayed to Aphrodite till
his knees bled, and nothing.
Last night had been the lowest point of his entire life. 
After drinking three kegs of mead, he had made a drunken attempt to
orally service himself, and had passed out in the attempt. Now he
found that he was unable to straighten his back. 
Three weeks beard growth on his face, hair slick and matted,
and with clothes covered in products that do not belong outside the
human body, Hercules set out to find a doctor, waddling down the
street as quickly as possible.
*****************
"Xena, if you don't get out here we'll miss the poetry
recital. They're seating the realists and the romantics next to
each other, so we should really see some sparks fly!"
Xena liked Gabrielle. Xena, in a big sister sort of way, even
supposed that she loved Gabrielle. But today, Xena was in no mood
for Gabrielle's shit. For the past three months, Xena had been
unable to achieve orgasm. She hadn't even come close. Not even 
a slightly stiff nipple. Her pussy was as dry as the sahara, and
her clitoris may have fallen off for all she knew. So I suppose
that she was not entirely to blame when she encouraged Gabrielle to
"go take a flying fuck in Hades you blonde bitch!"
Gabrielle, certain something was wrong with her friend now,
burst in to the room to see if she could help. What she found was
her friend and mentor trying desperately to wrench the biggest
dildo she had ever seen out of her snatch. All Gabrielle managed
was a strangled groan as she saw her friend trying to hide the six
inches of ribbed metal still protruding from her crotch.
Giving up trying to hide the tool any longer, Xena slumped down
on the floor. "Listen, Gabrielle, you think you could help me get
to a doctor? There's another ten inches of this thing in me, and
I can't walk so good."
*****************
Xena and Gabrielle were both shocked to see Hercules waiting
in Asclepius' office. As far as they knew, he had never even been
sick. Hercules merely wondered why those two pair of feet looked
so familiar. Xena slumped down in a chair next to Hercules, while
Gabrielle went to find a nurse.
Hercules finally realized who had set down next to him. "Ah,
Xena, how's it going? I'm here... uh.. checking on a friend."
"Yeah, me too."
An uncomfortable silence filled the room.
******************
Gabrielle came back with a nurse in tow. Pulling the nurse
toward her friend, Gabrielle could be heard insisting that it was
an emergency, and she didn't know, it looked like a length of axle
off a wagon. Ignoring any preliminary courtesies, the nurse lifted
up the towel Xena had wrapped around her waist and looked at her
nether regions.
The nurse's horrified shriek echoed through the waiting room. 
Xena thought it must be the most embarrassing moment in her life,
until the nurse bellowed, "Code pink, code pink, this woman needs
an emergency dildectomy right away." The nurse, years of training
taking over, threw Xena onto the first gurney available and wheeled
her away as the entire waiting room got a good look at the metal
phallus protruding from her most intimate place.
Hercules chortled to himself until an intern came over. 
"Okay, auto-fellatio boy, right this way." Hercules saw Gabrielle
was still in the room, and just knew that she had heard.
*******************
Hercules was taken to a room where a kindly faced old surgeon
explained to him that normally he would receive a potion to dull
the pain, and then an extremely skilled doctor would slowly and
painlessly massage the muscles in his back until he could stand
upright again.
However, as Hercules had opted to join an HMO, and had not had
his visit pre-approved, they were forced to take a slightly more
economical approach. Hercules was moved to face a wall, and the
gentle old man explained that, instead, he would be fucked up the
ass by a large-breasted blonde woman wearing a surgical strap-on
dildo until he straightened up. At this moment Hercules looked
behind himself and saw a blonde woman with large breasts, naked
except for a strap-on dildo approaching his bent over backside.
Hercules tried to waddle away at best speed, but the blonde
was considerably faster, and seemed to have some experience running
while wearing a polished wooden penis. Hercules, son of Zeus,
greatest of heroes, made two laps around the office before the
blonde nurse caught him and pulled his pants around his ankles,
effectively hobbling him. As Hercules fell on his face, backside
sticking straight up in the air, his artificially cocked assailant
let out a very enthusiastic scream and placed the dildo at his
asshole. Clearly, here was a woman who felt no small amount of job
satisfaction.
Hercules made a valiant effort to straighten his back, but it
just wasn't happening. He tried to shoe the nurse away as she
grabbed a double handful of hair, braced her feet to gain traction,
and shoved. Hercules felt his semi-divine rectal passage begin to
give, and with a mighty bellow, desperately tried to straighten his
back. Nothing happened.
The nurse had already been aroused when she came in the room,
now the terrified grunts of her unwilling patient had girl goo
positively running out of her crotch. The glistening liquid ran
down the phallus, providing a little lubrication when it reached
Hercules' asshole. Leaning further forward, the nurse grabbed the
hero by his ears, drew in a great chest full of air, and shoved
with all her might.
Hercules gave it his all as he felt the top of his nurse' legs
slam into his naked backside. Hercules back straightened , but not
completely. His assailant, seeing her job was nearly done, reached
around and grabbed Hercs' balls as she began to vigorously work her
hips back and forth, slamming the polished cock into and out of
Hercules ass. Hercules screamed as the nurse viciously twisted his
scrotum, and with a might grunt fully straightened his back. 
The nurse, seeing her work was done, pulled the fake dick from
the hero's ass, and after watching his gaping asshole close blew
him a kiss. Exiting with a smile she told her patient, "Thanks
kid, you were great."
Hercules, realizing the nurse was gone, turned to face his
doctor. The doctor began to consider the possibility that he
should have taken a less aggressive approach in treatment. "Doc,
I am going to... I will... You are going to..." Hercules realized
he couldn't do anything violent to the doctor. Ares had left, and
taken that sort of thing with him. Pulling back up his trousers,
Hercules stomped out of the office, yelling over his shoulder, "I
am not going to recommend you to my friends!"
*******************
Xena had been taken to an office, where the two top surgeons
in the land sat around her stuffed to capacity crotch asking
questions like, "How in the fuck did you get that thing up your
cunt?"
Xena lay on the gurney silently, occasionally whimpering when
one doctor or another would prod the dildo. After what seemed an
eternity, they formulated a plan. Xena listened intently as the
doctor explained to her what was going to happen.
"We feel that in all probability, the dildo cannot be removed
because it creates a vacuum in your innards. What we need to do is
pump air into your body, so we can pull the offending object out. 
Understand?"
Xena nodded, even though she had no idea what the hell the
doctor was talking about. 
"So, we need you to roll over and get on your hands and knees
here, uh huh, good, and I'll be pumping air up your ass while
Doctor Diodotus forces air down your oral passage."
"What?!?!" Xena's shriek as the good doctor began sodomizing
her was heard as far away as Mount Olympus, where it caused Hermes
to jump off his divine toilet, making an awful mess.
As good Doctor Cleon began forcing air down her rectal
passage, without the benefit of lubricant or even prior experience,
Doctor Diodotus climbed up on the gurney, got on his knees, and
encouraged Xena to open her mouth so that they could get on with
her treatment. Xena refused, shaking her head, and swatting at the
doctor behind her as best she could without falling on her fake
cock.
Doctor Cleon could see that Xena had not fully understood the
prescription. Knowing that successful treatment hinged upon
getting as much air into his patient as possible, the Doctor
reached around her body and grabbed both of Xenas breasts, pulling
them free of the warrior woman's leather top. Xena's attention had
previously been focused entirely on avoiding the cock hanging in
front of her face. Now she screamed again as Doctor Cleon began to
apply pressure to both of her mammaries. 
Doctor Diodotus, seeing that Xena had decided to opt for
treatment after all, shoved his cock into her mouth. Even with all
three holes filled, Xena felt no arousal, but could not dislodge
her physicians without falling on the metal dick still sticking out
of her. Finally, the see-sawing doctors had all they could take,
and began to cum. Xena rolled over onto her back as the doctors
withdrew. She still had a monstrous grey dildo stuck in her, and
was now covered in the cum of two morons. She longed for the days
when people were constantly trying to kill her.
Xena began screaming at the doctors, inventing several new
curse words on the spot. "You fuckers, it didn't even work! You
better think of something fast, or I will do things to you that you
can't even imagine." The doctors were rattled. Xena looked as
angry as anyone with a fake penis shoved up their twat and covered
in cum could look.
While Doctor Cleon pulled his pants up, he conferred with his
colleague. Both turned to face the patient. "Well, there is one
other thing we can try."
Xena spoke slowly, clearly, and carefully. "If it doesn't
involve any part of you entering any of my holes, do it." 
Xena was asked to again get on her hands and knees. Doctor
Cleon went to a closet and returned with a large wooden paddle
while Doctor Diodotus donned rubber gloves and got the best grip he
could on the dildo. Cleon wound up, and just as Xena worked up the
courage to look behind her, let loose a magnificent swat. Xena was
caught square across both ass cheeks, slid forward several inches,
and got a splendid view of her tits jiggling. Seeing that the
dildo had slid out a little, Doctor Cleon quickly began swinging
before the patient could protest having her ass paddled. All those
weeks of medical school were finally paying off!
Meanwhile, Doctor Diodotus was treated to a magnificent view
of the dildo slowly sliding out of Xena's crotch, distending her
outer lips as it came, Xena's sweat dripped off her pubic hair
before it pooled on the fake cock and fell to the gurney. Every
time his colleague swatted her on the ass, Xena's breasts would
jiggle in the most amazing ways, sailing forward until they reached
the end of their trajectory and then bouncing back. Back and
forth, back and forth. Xena's ass was turning a bright red, her
pussy felt like these two morons were going to turn it inside out,
and her boobs were bouncing all over the damn place. She thanked
God she had gotten the second dildo out of her ass herself.
Finally, with a loud pop, the dildo came the rest of the way
out. Xena fell forward, trying to simultaneously stuff her tits in
her top, cover her horribly aching pussy, and massage her burning
ass. Later, Doctor Diodotus would claim he had seen daylight
flowing through Xena's mouth and out her horribly distended love
hole.
The two doctors quickly left the room to be alone with their
thoughts, and before Xena could offer any criticisms of their
technique. Xena eventually stood up. She nudged the monstrous
fake cock with her toe, wiped all the cum she could reach off her
ass, and left the office.
***********************
Xena walked out of the waiting room, ignoring Gabrielle's
questions as the blonde trailed behind her. She stepped out and
saw Hercules waiting across the street.
Hercules was in a state of mind best described as homicidal,
had homicide still existed. Xena stopped and the two stared at
each other for a minute. Hercules finally spoke. "Hasn't been the
same without Ares, has it?"
"Nope. Want to go find him?" Xena would have had mayhem in
her eyes, but the best she could muster was a really stern lecture.
"Yeah. Any idea where to look?"
"Let's talk to the oracle at Delphi. He's supposed to know
everything."
The two strode out, down the road, and turned towards Delphi,
never looking back or bothering to answer Gabrielle's questions
about why they'd want that awful Ares back, why Hercules was
walking funny, and why Xena kept massaging her ass.

End of Chapter 1. Questions and comments are welcome.




