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  o    Kristen's collection                                         o
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  This is the Super Hero Archive. These stories were sent to me by
  friends. I did not write these stories. 

  Many have no author name attached. If you are the author of the
  enclosed work please let me know and I’ll remedy the situation.

  This story, and all the stories in this archive are meant to be
  free. They where sent freely and should remain public domain.


           X-men/Excalibur:  THE SHADOW OF A STARLESS NIGHT
                              Luba Kmetyk


Prologue 

     Traveling through the rich blackness of space in an imperial Shi'ar
starship, she'd woken up screaming from the even darker pit of a nightmare
of being dragged down into a grave by a young Brood queen where she was
absorbed into the alien monster, only to find Peter Rasputin at her side,
holding her tightly as he never had before, as the young Kitty Pryde had
dreamed of him being with her.  His presence was a glowing beacon in her
bleak despair as the distant stars shone outside in the heavens.

     Peter had tried to comfort the 14-year-old girl by teasing her, by
admitting he shared her fears, by sharing his country peasant view of
dying as an inevitable consequence of living, but she knew he didn't
really understand.  Peter seemed to face the prospect of imminent death
and dissolution with equanimity.  He didn't share Kitty's innate desire
to fight back to her last breath, rather than accept her fate passively,
and he didn't seem concerned about what terrified her most, the vision her
imagination insisted on providing that she would not in fact die, that her
consciousness would in fact survive within the Sleazoid she was becoming,
and know forever after what had become of her.

     As he tried to comfort her, sitting on her bed and hugging her to
him, Kitty couldn't stop herself wistfully saying,  "Gee, I wish I was
older."

     Peter knew what she meant.  She'd had a crush on him since the X-men
had first gone to recruit her and ended by rescuing her from the White
Queen of the Hellfire Club.  He looked on her as a child, and had in some
odd way blended her in his mind and his heart with his little sister who'd
recently returned from Limbo magically aged from six to fourteen, but the
young Russian saw no reason not to offer her a bit more comfort, which he
hoped would do more good than his previous efforts.  "So do I."

     She didn't believe him at first, it was too unexpected after the way
he'd always acted with her up to now, as a big brother, as an older friend
tolerating her childish feelings.  But then Peter kissed her, to convince
her of the truth of his words, and found he'd bitten off more than he'd
planned as Kitty asked for even more from him.

     He tried to disengage himself gracefully.  "This is not the proper
place or time."  

     But Kitty remained insistent.  "We may never get another chance."

     Her nightdress was quite modest, a green granny-style with a white
yoke at the neck and shoulders, a conservative design she'd recreated
after a number of flamboyant experiments she'd tried on while playing with
the clothing synthesizer, wanting the comfort of the familiar in these
cold alien surroundings.  But Peter could feel the warmth of her trembling
body pressed against his through the thin fabric, as she reveled in the
security of his hard-muscled chest, giving her the welcome illusion of
being safe and protected.  And he could smell the fresh female scent of
her, a delicate and enticing fragrance in the close and stale recycled air
of the starship, a familiar odor reminding him poignantly of earth and
home in the middle of this vast alien strangeness.

     He might not share her defiant desire to fight, or have her vivid
imagination to picture the inescapable horror they'd been caught in, but
he was human, and it was only normal human instinct to want to affirm life
within sight of death.  Besides, he told himself, it was the decadent
Western culture that considered her still too young by its own artificial
standards, not his own more natural rural society, where most young girls
became sexually active immediately upon menarche.

     "Very well, Katya, but only because you insist..."  Peter silenced the
nagging little voice of his conscience with the soothing viewpoint that he
was only going to give her the love and comfort for which she'd asked.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *
Part 1   Experience is the Best Teacher

     Kitty waited eagerly for him to hold her tight again, to kiss her and
hug her and tell her everything would be all right, as he had earlier, 
but over and over until she began to believe it.  She expected him to tell
her he loved her and they'd live to have a long and happy life together,
reaffirming her hope in a viable future even as Peter initiated her gently
into the mysteries of womanhood as she'd always dreamed.

     Instead, Rasputin got up from where he'd been sitting on the bed next
to her, and walked over to the room control panel to turn down the light,
before coming back to where she sat up in the bed, tangled in the covers. 
"It will be better in the dark, little one.  We do not want anyone to see
a light and stop by to visit, thinking you're awake..."

     As he approached the bed again, in the dim grey light he'd left for
illumination, he could just barely see Kitty holding out her arms to him
invitingly.  But Peter shook his head at her and then, not sure she could
see his gesture, told her,  "Take off your nightdress, Katya, and I will
join you as soon as I have removed my clothes."  He stripped quickly,
dropping his clothes in an untidy heap on the floor by the bed, then saw
she was still sitting in bed motionless, her small hands clutching at the
delicate yoke of her nightdress nervously.  He sighed, but determined to
make allowances for her embarrassment and control his impatience to get
through the tedious preliminaries.

     Dropping heavily onto the bed again, which gave a protesting groan at
the sudden added weight, Colossus pulled the sheets off her legs, down to
the foot of the bed, then grasped at the hem of her nightdress and began
tugging upward.  When Kitty made no movement to help him, other than
drawing her legs up slightly from the bed towards her chest, he sighed
again, more gustily, and grabbed her around the waist.  Peter could easily
lift her with one arm without strain, as his other hand yanked up on her
nightdress.  When he paused for a moment as the sound of a seam beginning
to tear echoed loudly around the otherwise silent room, Kitty pushed his
hands away from her and began squirming around on the bed, pulling off her
nightdress herself as she sensed his impatience with her.

     Her contortions getting undressed caused her to brush against Peter
where he sat waiting, soft feathery touches that teased and aroused him,
an effect that Kitty herself was completely unaware of as she thought only
of how grateful she was he'd turned the light down so much before they
undressed, thinking he'd done it out of consideration for her modesty. 
Rasputin found his erection rising rapidly, as the dim light disguised the
youth of the girl he was with, while the feel and scent of her next to him
assured him of her femininity.

     Although he obviously could not match Cyclops' or Kurt's history with
their women, much less Logan's extensive background, Colossus himself was
not inexperienced.  Before Nereel in the Savage Land, there'd been a
neighbor girl at the collective farm who found his chiseled face, thick
dark hair and massive muscles very appealing, even aside from the way his
dark eyes had followed her every movement with a soulful expression of
ineffable yearning.  Katerina had usually responded to that look with a
knowing wink, meeting him shortly afterwards in the barn where some
horseblankets spread in the loft made a scratchy but adequate bed and
where the animals hadn't cared how much noise they made in their exuberant
play.

    Nereel and Katerina may have lived at opposite ends of the earth, and
been very different physical types, one an olive-skinned brunette with a
hawklike profile and the other a broad-faced and snub-nosed blue-eyed
blonde, but they shared much in common.  Both came from rural hunting or
farming cultures where sexual play was considered normal and healthy, not
to mention inevitable, and they themselves were experienced, bringing an
earthy joy in coupling to their partners as they deftly controlled their
encounters to pleasure themselves and their menfolk both. Rasputin had
become accustomed to blunt instructions and demonstrations as to what he
should do for his partner, often delivered with laughs of encouragement,
to then be rewarded with his own satisfaction and the woman's, usually
delivered with cries of orgasm.  And it was the worst possible preparation
for bedding a young and innocent girl like Kitty Pryde, whose head was
filled with romantic fantasies gleaned from a myriad of romantic novels,
cinema and television.  Those girls hadn't been virgins and, besides
taking the lead and teaching him things Kitty had never yet dreamed of in
her innocence, they could also easily accommodate him physically in a way
the small and delicate Kitty couldn't, at least not without considerable
preparation and careful handling Peter wasn't even aware she needed.

     So, when Kitty had taken off her nightgown and reached out to him
again, tentatively, Colossus grabbed her and pushed her down to lie on the
bed, pressing her down with his body on hers as he kissed her as she so
obviously wanted.  But these weren't the light and chaste kisses she'd
initiated in the past, these were deep French kisses such as she'd never
experienced before.  Peter's mouth pushed hers open and his tongue invaded
her mouth as he sucked on and bit at her lips.  She couldn't breathe for a
moment, and her hands pushed weakly at his weight on her, a futile gesture
he didn't even notice or feel.  

     Kitty was just beginning to get used to his kisses, and even to enjoy
them and move her own mouth and tongue in shy response, when Peter lifted
himself up slightly.  Before Kitty had more than a moment to catch her
breath in relief, he'd insinuated a hand between their bodies to grope and
squeeze her budding breast roughly.  She cried out in surprise at the
touch and in protest at the slight pain.  Rasputin paused for a moment to
demand in a low voice,  "Is everything all right for you, my Katya?"  He
couldn't see her biting her lip as she answered in an equally low voice
whose trembling she successfully controlled, "Yes, of course it is, Peter,
I love you, I'm glad you're with me, everything's just fine..."  Kitty
didn't know how to tell him she wished he'd slow down, back off, and he
didn't give her much chance to say anything more, muffling her immediately
with his mouth and his tongue again as he continued to maul her breasts.

     Mistaking her mewling and squirming aversion for arousal, Colossus
was getting irritated at what he perceived as Kitty's self-indulgent
passivity, lying back and letting him do all the work of pleasuring her. 
Lifting himself up again slightly, as Kitty gasped in relief again, Peter
grabbed her hand and pulled her arm down between their bodies to lay her
fingers on his erection, intending for her to work him as he was working
her.  Kitty cringed at the contact, not sure exactly what was happening
now or what he intended, as she jerked her hand away from that hard, hot
mass of unfamiliar tissue.  

     Rasputin grabbed her hand again and replaced it, pushing at her
fingers with his to wrap her hand around his manhood, then using his own
hand on hers to guide her hand up and down his length, while saying to
Kitty reproachfully,  "It is unworthy of you, my Katya, to be so selfish,
to refuse me pleasure when I am trying so hard to make you happy.  Is
everything not all right for you?"  

     Realizing at least in part now what he wanted from her, she handled
him gingerly, not sure whether to hold him lightly or tightly, and afraid
to ask.  "Yes, everything is fine, Peter, I'm so sorry..."  Her voice was
high and thin and tremulous, her tone like her body language contradicting
her words, although he wasn't really paying any attention to her response. 
Kitty felt she had to reassure him, regardless of her true feelings.  She
felt terribly guilty.  She'd asked him, after all, begged and pleaded
actually, now how could she tell him she hadn't really meant it, that she
desperately wanted to stop, to take it all back, especially since he'd
made it so blatantly obvious he was disappointed in her response and her
performance.  

     Her soft warm fingers fumbled at him inexpertly, as she took deep
calming breaths now that her mouth was free for a moment, until Rasputin
pushed her hand away in exasperation and used his knees to push her legs
wide apart with a low grunt of effort.  She stiffened in renewed fear as
she felt that hard mass of flesh probing at her.  Kitty wasn't that
ignorant. Innocence wasn't ignorance, after all.  She knew what would
happen next, she'd read and studied the subject from insatiable curiosity
whenever she could, just like any other teenage girl, especially one
deprived of normal girltalk with friends at school and at home, but none
of that helped her imagine what he would actually feel like inside her.

     She found out soon enough.  Rasputin was even more irritated by now,
having expected her to position him and guide him in easily to a warm and
wet haven of comfort, and instead he was having a hard time trying to push
within a small, tight opening.  Continuing to force her legs apart with
his knees, he used one hand to position himself as he spread her lower
lips wide with the fingers of his other hand.  He drove himself into her
with one massive heave, grunting at the effort required, as she cried out
in pain.  

     Colossus paused again at her loud cry, concerned that someone would
hear, and come to investigate just as he'd come into her room in response
to her crying out during her nightmare.  "What is wrong with you now,
Katya?  I keep asking you if everything is all right...  Are you not
satisfied?  Is this not what you wanted?"  This time he didn't even wait
to see what her answer would be, if any.  The hot tightness of her hold on
him was inflaming him, and he started to wonder if there might prove to be
some advantages to a more passive partner.  He began to thrust into her,
slowly at first but then deeper and faster as his basic instincts took
over completely and he forgot everything except his own burning need.

     Kitty was dry still, and tight, and both his entry into her and his
subsequent rhythmic thrusting had made her feel as though she were being
torn apart, in two.  She clutched at his arms where he supported himself
above her, pushing him away with all her strength, a desperate but still
unspoken rejection which he didn't register at all as he drove to his own
release.  As scalding tears oozed from beneath her closed eyelids and down
her cheeks until she could taste their bitter salty traces on her swollen
and trembling lips, she wondered wildly for an instant if the Brood egg
hatching within her could possibly be any more painful than this.

     While Kitty was lost in her own pain and discomfort, Colossus was
ultimately disappointed in their encounter, also.  As he pulled out and
away from her only to let his entire weight collapse upon her soft body
underneath him, he thought to himself that this had been nothing like his
previous times, where the girl had taken the lead, laughed and enjoyed it.
Rasputin lifted his head to stare at Kitty, trying unsuccessfully in the
dim gloom of the room to make out her expression, to see if perchance she
was gloating, or laughing at his disillusionment.  "Why did you ask me,
Katya, if you didn't want me?  Were you just making fun of me?  Or were
you just using me selfishly for your own satisfaction, not providing
anything in return?"

     Those biting words, uttered as he sat up to leave, shocked Kitty out
of her self-pity.  "I did want you, to stay with me and hold me and love
me and help me, Peter, please, I still want you to stay and hold me..."
She was pleading with him, crying loudly enough that he could hear her
sobs even if he couldn't make out her tears.  Peter was still frustrated,
though, and wanted to blame her for his miserable time, because he wasn't
willing to contemplate, even for a moment, the threatening possibility
that he may have disappointed her just as bitterly as she had him.

     "I do not want to take any chance of the others catching me here with
you, in this condition," he said to her as he quickly got dressed again,
continuing harshly,  "We will see each other in the morning.  And I should
not have to say this, I hope I can trust you not to discuss this with any
of the others."  Colossus turned and left, to go back to his own quarters.

     Kitty was left lying alone in her bed, her face streaked by tears,
her body sweat-soaked, her thighs sticky with unfamiliar fluids.  She
began to shiver uncontrollably from shock, although she told herself it
was because she was still naked and felt the cold more now without the
welcome warmth of Peter's body next to hers.  She reached down to get her
nightdress from where he'd thrown it on the floor next to her bed but,
instead of putting it back on, she just clutched it to her sore breasts as
she curled up into a fetal ball around her pain, crying herself to sleep.
A hidden part of her realized that she had just wanted the closeness, the
cuddling, rather than the sex, and that the sex hadn't bought her any real
comfort.  But Kitty buried that unwelcome self-awareness away deeply,
hiding it even from herself, choosing to wonder instead what she had done
wrong, why Peter had seemed to turn on her at the end, how she could make
it all be like it was before.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *
Part 2   Return to Reality

     After their implanted Brood eggs had been destroyed with the help of
the eerie Acanti soul, the X-men returned to earth and the Westchester
mansion.  In addition to finding their replacements, the young New Mutant
recruits, in residence, they immediately had to fight yet another Brood
queen, this one a hatchling who'd taken over Professor Xavier himself
during their absence.  With that last alien parasite defeated and Xavier
restored in a cloned body, the X-men slowly resumed their regular routine.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     It took quite a while, but Nightcrawler and Storm and Logan each
gradually noticed that Kitty was acting strangely.  She was quieter and
more moody than the ebullient young girl who'd joined the X-men not that
long before, and frequently shunned large gatherings, citing the pressures
of homework which none of them could remember ever interfering with her
enthusiastic participation in extracurricular activities in the past.

     Peter Rasputin claimed he'd noticed no big difference in her when he
got drawn into the discussion.  His opinion was dismissed by the others
as simply unobservant distraction due to concern over his sister Illyana's
demonic powers and magic manifesting more and more.  Kitty and Peter were
both uncomfortable about what had happened between them, and neither
wanted to admit to the others what had happened, but Peter covered much
better, and had a built-in excuse in Illyana's disturbing metamorphosis.

     At first, the other three dismissed Kitty's behavior as jealousy of
the New Mutants, and a lingering resentment at Xavier's efforts to demote
her, a childish sulk that she would naturally snap out of after some short
time.  However, as her odd behavior persisted, Logan and Ororo and Kurt
began sharing their worries.

     Among other possibilities, the three speculated that it might be a
residual of their traumatic encounter with the Brood and being made hosts
to their eggs.  They'd all gone through varying periods of adjustment and
soul-searching after their return.  Storm had the most to absorb, first
her decision to kill herself and her Brood embryo both rather than give
life to such a monster, then her transcendental merging with the Acanti
soul, and her final restoration as herself.  Cyclops had to come to terms
with his decision that the Brood needed to be destroyed and reconcile that
hatred within his overall philosophy that all life has value, and all
problems have a solution.  Kurt had been buffered by his faith, but even
he had his quiet, pensive moments.  Logan had been able to reject his egg
himself and showed the least effects of the experience, except for Peter,
who seemed oddly unaffected.  The others had all recovered relatively
quickly and easily, a characteristic necessary for the X-men given their
lifestyle, but Kitty was the youngest and most inexperienced by far.

     That hypothesis seemed to be confirmed when Ororo and Kurt tried once
to question her about her feelings during that time.  When Ororo had said
sympathetically,  "Oh, Kitten, I know it must have been worse for you, and
harder..."  Kitty had shouted at them  "I do *not* want to talk about what
happened out there,"  before bursting into tears and running away.  After
consulting again with Logan, they all agreed not to report the incident to
the Professor, knowing how much being part of their team meant to Kitty. 
They all remembered how Xavier had said he would allow her to remain a
part of the X-men only because of her unusual maturity.

     Kitty did feel somewhat comforted by their palpable concern, but at
the same time she also felt even more guilty, for accepting their love and
support under false pretenses.  She felt separated from the others by the
secret she had to keep, especially when they listened to her and gave her
what she'd asked for, space and time alone, hoping she'd eventually turn
to them for help of her own volition.  And she tried desperately hard to
remember to act normally around the others, and often succeeded for long
periods of time, at the price of burying her doubts and fears ever deeper.

     So, whenever it all got to be too much for her, Kitty would go back
to Peter, as the only one she could now be completely open with.  She was
still hoping to recapture their old camaraderie.  And when she did go to
him, usually late in the evening or at night when she felt most isolated
from the others, Rasputin could congratulate himself she could never stay
away from him for long, because she so obviously wanted and needed the
love and affection only he could provide.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     Kitty would have really liked to back off from the sex, and just
date, and perhaps pet a little bit, and go steady, but she guessed, and
rightly, that Peter wouldn't agree.  He hadn't minded doubledating with
Kurt in the past, first with Amanda and her friend Betsy, then later with
Amanda and Kitty.  But the addition of the New Mutants to the mansion's
inhabitants, some of them Rasputin's age or not much younger, made him
feel a strong need to distance himself from the younger students and align
himself with the older X-men, including avoiding any appearance of what
he considered a childish relationship with Kitty.  And Kurt's involvement
with Amanda was very definitely an adult affair, albeit one of equals.

     Colossus cared for Kitty, deeply, as always, holding her in his heart
as a part of his family as all the X-men had become, but he wasn't really
all that attracted to her physically, to her as a woman.  Graceful and
slender, delicate and intellectual, she wasn't at all close to Peter's
ideal of a Slavic farmwife like his mother, or the cheerfully earthy and
uninhibited farmgirls he'd grown up with, or the spicy and self-confident
Nereel whom he still recollected fondly. 

     The blonde and blue-eyed Illyana would actually have been much more
to his taste, in appearance and personality both, as she reminded him very
strongly of his entrancing and cooperative friend Katerina, and Peter had
to constantly keep reminding himself that this entrancing figure was his
sister, even as his unconscious mind kept insisting his sister was six
years old.  But he could safely relieve any frustrated sexual yearnings
onto Kitty, whenever she'd come to him looking for affection, assuring
himself he was only providing the love she so obviously needed and wanted.

     However, he could never understand Kitty's endless desire to talk
whenever they were alone together, since they could talk while they were
with the others, and he didn't like to risk the extra time.  Peter could
never figure out exactly what subtle point she was trying to make, as she
chattered away nervously.  Once, when they were together, Kitty had asked
him, apparently out of the blue, whom he considered prettiest.  When he'd
automatically answered, "Ororo, of course," Kitty had persisted, saying 
"I meant, from the students."  And then, when he'd replied  "Then Illyana,
of course," she'd been even colder to him than usual, although she'd at
least stayed quiet for the rest of their time together that night.

     Peter learned quickly to promise to listen to her as soon as she'd
let him indulge his needs, flatteringly telling Kitty her close presence
was too distracting for him to pay proper attention to her, then muffling
her continued comments with passionate kisses.  He rarely spoke during the
act, and would usually renege on his promise later by feigning sleepiness,
leaving her immediately afterwards, or sending her away if they were in
his room.

     The young Russian, only nineteen, didn't have many potential outlets
for his sexual frustration.  The older Storm he revered as a goddess,
indeed, and not a human woman, her position of authority making her as
inviolable to Peter as her own innate remoteness.  And the fiery Rogue
remained an eternally untouchable temptation.

     Of the New Mutants that Xavier had recruited as their replacements
while they were attempting to escape the Brood and their eggs, it was
Mirage he found most interesting at first, due to both her physical
resemblance to Nereel and her seemingly similar warrior spirit, but he
quickly discovered Dani to be mostly a modern American girl, thus quite
different from his old lover in personality.  Karma as the eldest was his
own age, but Colossus found her cold, and hard, and intimidating.  And,
although she was least like a modern American girl, Rasputin was equally
intimidated by the exotic and sophisticated Amara Aquilla, who arrived
soon after Karma had been lost.  The youngest, Rahne, had much of the same
emotional vulnerability and pathetic desire to please that Kitty herself
had, but her long persecution at the hands of her fundamentalist minister
had warped much of her character in strange ways that left her much more
childish than Kitty at nearly the same age.

     But it wasn't only physical frustration that Rasputin could relieve
by bedding Kitty, it was the golden opportunity to vent his psychological
frustration that really drove him, his own little unspoken rebellion
against Xavier and the X-men.

     They had torn him from his family on the collective farm, leaving his
beloved parents dependent on the help of friends and neighbors rather than
able to rely on their sons as was only proper, since his brother Mikhail
had died.  They had taken his precious baby sister, and turned her into a
demonic monster.  He blamed himself, for being seduced by Xavier's offers,
which had led to an enemy kidnapping Illyana as a hostage, telling himself
she would have been safe from Belasco if she'd remained on the farm with
him, and he blamed Xavier and the X-men as much or more than the villains.

     And they had taken him away from his familiar, safe, regimented old
society to a frightening foreign world, the Western culture they lived in
as alien to Rasputin as any of the unearthly creatures and civilizations
they'd exposed him to.  His strength had been valued at home, a treasured
resource needed endlessly on the farm which made him an honored member of
his society.  But his much greater strength was now only of use in battle,
even as his lack of formal education and social experience hindered his
standing in his new environment, making him feel "an ignorant peasant", as
he'd once commented bitterly to Wolverine.

     Each older and more sophisticated and more experienced in their own
way, he felt the other X-men often patronized him, although they didn't
mean to.  Kitty's academic genius only seemed to exacerbate Peter's own
feelings of inadequacy outside of battle.  Rasputin desperately needed the
young Kitty's love and devotion and hero-worship, he depended on it to
validate his own worth in his own eyes, in public and private both.  That,
and his art, was all he had.

     Peter couldn't actually express any of this, to others or to himself.
He bowed automatically to Xavier's authority as he'd been conditioned to
bow to the authority of the state back home.  But he could find a secret
satisfaction in doing something he knew they'd disapprove of if they only
knew, while reassuring himself it was only something his own healthy
society would consider merely natural and acceptable behavior, only the
artificial mores of the degenerate West deeming it inappropriate.  He'd
told Logan once,  "Do you know, tovarisch, that in Russia she and I could
be married now, and raising a family?"

                       *   *   *   *   *   *


     There were times he'd meet her in private, during the day in the
grounds or after meals or before training, and tell her to come to him
later, that he needed her and missed her.  Kitty quickly figured out that
Peter wanted her whenever he saw her spending any time with Doug Ramsey,
and she was quite right.  Rasputin was quite jealous of her growing close
friendship with the young, clean-cut, blond American teenager, so very
obviously Kitty's natural match.  Cypher's innate talent with any computer
software, a manifestation of his mutant translation power, perfectly
complimented Kitty's own phenomenal abilities with electronic hardware,
and they also shared an intense intellectual curiosity about many other
matters.

     Whenever Colossus saw them working together, laughing in sheer
delight at solving a problem or commiserating with each other whenever
some temporary difficulty cropped up, it made him feel left out, and Peter
knew of only one way to erase those feelings of inadequacy, to reassert
his dominant position.  One time when he'd called her to him, Rasputin
told the young girl bluntly,  "You want what you cannot have, my Katya. 
He will never look at you that way.  And besides, you have me, you do not
need him."

     Rasputin didn't like any of the New Mutants very much, although
Xavier and the X-men often had him work with the trainees.  While the New
Mutants couldn't match him in battle experience, most of them easily
outdid Peter in social savoir-faire, making him uncomfortable around them.

     Roberto DaCosta, the sophisticated young scion of a wealthy Brazilian
family, embodied every trait that the ardent socialist had been taught to
despise since birth, as did Amara also.  The strong-willed Mirage always
reminded him a bit too much of Nereel for comfort.  Cannonball he should
have found the most congenial, based upon their common rural backgrounds. 
But, whatever his own personal insecurities, Sam Guthrie also came from a
fiercely independent folk tradition where only church and kin mattered and
all formal authority was potentially an enemy, giving him little actually
in common with the young Russian so near his own age who came from a very
different culture.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     While Colossus chose to deliberately remain aloof from the school's
new students, therefore, their continuing relationship and the associated
need for secrecy distanced Kitty from the younger New Mutants as well,
just as it isolated her from her older teammates, leaving her dependent on
Rasputin in her self-imposed isolation.  Kitty also found little in common
with the new students despite the similarity in their ages, except for
Doug Ramsey, and Illyana, of course.  In her heightened vulnerability, she
couldn't help taking both daCosta's insensitive and chauvinist jokes and
Rahne's incessant parroting of her pastor's lectures about the evils of
passion and the body personally, often brooding on their comments during
sleepless nights, and her efforts not to show any visible signs of the
wounds to her ego weren't always successful.  Since the other students
knew of no reason why she'd take any such remarks personally, they simply
characterized her as a stuck-up snob, and dismissed her.

     Illyana knew what was going on, of course.  She was Peter's sister
and Kitty's roommate, and had gotten the whole story out of Kitty one
night, after Kitty having a particularly bad nightmare had woken her up,
and she'd woken Kitty in turn.  At first, Kitty was just relieved to tell
someone, anyone, but then she began worrying about the others finding out,
begging Illyana  "Promise me, please, promise me, you won't tell anyone." 
Illyana wasn't so sure either her promise or the affair itself was such a
good idea.  Kitty seemed pretty miserable.  But Peter was her brother, and
Illyana knew he wouldn't really hurt Kitty.  And the demons had done much
worse to her in Limbo, when she'd been much younger than Kitty, and she'd
survived just fine. 

     The only bright spots Kitty had to look forward to were working on
their various projects with Doug Ramsey.  They were just friends, good
friends.  Cypher was the only one around whose mutant talent brought him
anywhere near her own intellectual level, and Kitty really enjoyed his
company, not least the lack of any sexual pressure, even if deep down she
knew she'd have to pay, to compensate Peter's ego later.  But that last
comforting, normal friendship slowly deteriorated, also.  She'd tried
occasionally asking Doug apparently idle questions about men's feelings
and reactions, about what he would find attractive, as she kept trying to
figure out what had gone wrong between her and Colossus, so that she could
fix it.  But her questions made Ramsey very uncomfortable.  Doug had no
real idea what lay behind them, but he knew something in them disturbed
him.  And Kitty would get upset when he tried to question her, to draw her
out and find out what she was really trying to get at.  Friends who'd
prided themselves on sharing everything, Doug and Kitty slowly drifted
apart, as she faithfully kept the one secret she couldn't share.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     Whenever a suitable occasion seemed to present itself, and she could
do so without fear of arousing much suspicion, Kitty tried asking Ororo
similar generic questions about men and women, about love and romance and
physical attraction, still with a forlorn hope of finding some guidance
somewhere, but the regal Storm remained far removed from any such normal
human concerns, and would dismiss Kitty's efforts with vague replies such
as  "You'll find out for yourself when you're older, Kitten, don't be in
such a rush..."  While Ororo didn't seem to notice anything suspicious in
Kitty's obscure conversations, Kitty didn't find any help there, either.

     Talking to Rogue was out of the question, even though the fiery
Southern belle was much more likely than the aloof Storm to let her hair
down and enjoy a good gossip session.  But Kitty felt badly about the way
she'd treated Rogue when the older girl had first arrived at the mansion
to desperately beg Professor Xavier and the X-men for help, and figured
Rogue's own problem with simple human contact, a consequence of her mutant
power, made her an unlikely source of useful romantic advice.

     Kitty did get up the nerve once or twice to approach Nightcrawler,
pretending to casually enquire about Amanda, dropping comments like  "Do
you miss her when she's not around, Kurt, and think about her?"  At first,
Wagner accepted her overtures at face value and waxed lyrical indeed about
his life-long love, sharing with Kitty how much Amanda's matter-of-fact
acceptance of his differences meant to him.  But he, too, became disturbed
at times about the odd nature of some of her questions.  He thought about
talking to Ororo or to Logan again, but put it off when he couldn't decide
on any concrete example of exactly what had bothered him, Kitty's strange
combination of words, tone, body language and facial expression being hard
to define and describe.

     And Kitty knew better than to try to talk to Logan, even in vague
generalities and hypothetical possibilities.  The wily and experienced
Canadian would demand to know everything, and he would likely have any
secret out of her with little effort.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     Although she couldn't get up the nerve to ever say  "No"  to Peter, 
as she still wanted to give him whatever seemed to make him happy,  Kitty
never could really enjoy their intermittent, brief encounters, either. 
Sooner or later, the physical pain always overwhelmed any genuine desire
she might start feeling, although the pain did decrease somewhat with
time.  Kitty knew it wasn't supposed to be like this, everything she read
said that both partners were supposed to enjoy themselves.  She'd braced
herself, once or twice, to shyly suggest they might try things she'd read
about, but Colossus couldn't accept the idea he wasn't satisfying her,
he'd turned around and accused her of becoming corrupt and depraved, to
even think about such things.  Rasputin had forgotten he'd originally
wanted an equal partner willing to direct his efforts.  He'd come to quite
enjoy having a passive partner who made no overt demands on him, if he
could only convince Kitty not to chatter all the time.

     It didn't occur to Kitty to simply blame everything on her youth and
insecurity, and Peter's as well.  As a science-fiction afficionado, she'd
read all of Heinlein, his latter works filled with stories of young girls
her age enjoying and even initiating a wide variety of sexual encounters
with men of all ages in a far-future sybaritic society.  Now she wondered
why she couldn't be the same as those girls she read about, seductive and
uninhibited and knowing how to please their partners.  And she'd started
sneaking copies of erotic novels to read whenever she could, and she even
briefly pored over a sex manual once, although she didn't believe a better
knowledge of the pure mechanics would really help.  But Kitty remained
convinced that, if she could only figure out what she was doing wrong,
her romantic dreams and fantasies could still come true for her and Peter.

     Rasputin found her reading one of those novels once, a copy of 'Lady
Chatterley's Lover', and threw it away, telling her,  "This filth will
poison your mind, my Katya.  The nonsense within these horrors of your
degenerate Western civilization is not worth a kopek in the real world
back on my family's farm."  Peter found her reading as frightening and
threatening as her computer activities with Doug, another thing he could
neither understand nor share.  And, when Kitty tried to apologize, and to
explain to him that she just wanted to try to make their lovemaking better
for her, so that things would be better between them, he snarled at her, 
"Be glad instead that they are not worse, as they could be."

     Then he grabbed her and pushed her onto the bed with one strong hand
as he tore off her jeans and her underpants with his other.  Before Kitty
could recover from the shock, he'd dropped his own pants and was on her,
holding her down with his weight.  Peter held her arms trapped beneath her
back with one hand, while he used his legs to lever hers apart, driving
into her without any preliminaries at all, muffling her cries with his
other hand rather than a kiss.  It never occurred to her she could have
phased away from him, leaving him grasping empty air.  After he'd rushed
to his own release, he rolled off her and pulled his pants back up, saying
harshly  "Now do you understand, Katya?  I have always tried to be gentle
with you before, always, you simply were too ignorant to appreciate that."
That was the only time he ever took her in the light of day.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     It wasn't clear how long this state of affairs might have continued,
but Colossus came back from the Secret Wars to tell Kitty it had to now be
over completely between them, that, while away, he'd fallen in love with
Zsaji, a beautiful alien healer who'd understood his soul without needing
words, even though they had no language in common.  To honor her memory
after her death, her noble self-sacrifice, Peter couldn't cheapen their
spiritual love by continuing a purely physical affair with someone who so
obviously didn't understand him, despite all her endless chattering.

     Kitty listened to him waxing lyrical in his praise of his alien love,
and thought to herself bitterly that Peter had now found all the words and
poetry and romance that he'd never once been able to dredge up for Kitty
herself, in all the time she'd loved him.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

Part 3   Paying the Piper

     Kitty Pryde had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  It had
two distinctly separate components.  She had a bad premonition she was in
a lot of trouble.  And she needed to go throw up again.

     As she hung over the sink, retching miserably, Kitty told herself it
was impossible.  She hadn't been with Peter in weeks, since their breakup.
She was losing weight, not gaining, and she tried desperately to convince
herself it was just a bad case of stomach flu.  But a part of her knew the
truth.  Kitty had been avoiding the other X-men as much as possible ever
since her return from Japan, especially Wolverine with his hyperactive
senses, although again Kitty assured herself that it was only because she
didn't want them commenting on her mood swings.  She tried telling herself
that, if it were true, Logan would have noticed something while trying to
reclaim her from Ogun, but she had a nagging fear that Ogun's influence
might have temporarily masked other things from Wolverine's normally keen
powers of observation.

     By the time she emerged, white-faced and trembling, and returned to
the dance studio, their session was over and the other students had all
left.  Her dance teacher, Stevie Hunter, was waiting for her in the empty
studio, however, with a concerned frown on her face.  "Are you all right,
Kitty?"

     The wan young girl managed to summon up the ghost of a smile as she
replied,  "I'm just fine, Stevie, thank you...  I think it's just a touch
of stomach flu."

     Something about Kitty's looks and behavior struck the dance teacher
as extremely familiar.  Stomach flu was certainly one likely explanation,
but Stevie's own stomach knotted sympathetically as she remembered another
reason why such a young girl might be jumpy and moody and nauseous.  She
decided to take a chance.  "Are you sure that's all it can be, Kitty?  No
possibility, none at all, it could be something more serious...  something
like a baby?"

     Kitty's pale face crumpled as she dissolved into a flood of tears.
"I don't know, I don't think so, I hope not, I'm afraid it might be..."

     Stevie took her trembling body, wracked with sobs, into a comforting
embrace, glad Kitty couldn't see her expression at the moment.  "Who... 
never mind, dumb question, it's Peter, of course?"  She didn't bother
waiting for an answer, there was really no other possibility.  "It's all
right, Kitty, you don't have to go through this alone, I promise, I'll be
there for you, every step of the way."  Fiercely protective, remembering
her own youthful tribulation, she hugged the girl tightly.  "First, let's
just find out for sure, then we can decide what next..."

     The dance teacher meant what she'd said.  She took Kitty with her
and, leaving the young girl waiting in her car to spare her at least a
little embarrassment, went alone into a nearby drugstore to buy a home
pregnancy test.  Taking Kitty to her own home, Stevie helped her with the
test, and held her sobbing form close again after the results came up
positive.  After a few moments in thought, while Kitty washed up and
recovered slightly, the teacher dropped the young girl off at the video
game arcade, with all of Stevie's spare money and instructions to try to
relax and distract herself, until Stevie came back for her.  Then Stevie
purposefully aimed her car towards Xavier's mansion.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     When Rachel Summers opened the front door at her repeated rings and
knocks, Stevie shoved past the time-displaced refugee.  "Where the hell
are they?"  Stevie shouted at Rachel.  "You do your mental voodoo, girl,
get them all down here right now."

     Rachel couldn't help reading Stevie's thoughts, they were practically
blazing from the dance teacher's mind in her fury.  She blanched at what
she saw and sent out her own mental summons for the X-men to come running.

     Meanwhile, familiar with the mansion, Stevie had stormed past Rachel
where she stood white-faced, frozen in shock, and rushed down the hallway
to yell into the mansion intercom.  "Xavier, you disgusting old panderer,
you get out here right now, and face the music or, I swear to God, I'm
gonna call the cops on you, too...  Ororo Munroe, your royal goddesship,
you get your divine ass down here from the heavens so I can kick it clear
to hell and gone...  Logan, you mangy yellow-bellied skunk, stop hiding,
buster, it's time to wake up and smell the roses, your sniffer sure ain't
good for nothing any more serious that that...  Wagner, you sanctimonious
hypocrite, you quit playing Errol Flynn and bamf your blue butt over here
right now..."  Stevie's voice chilled down into ice at her last demand, 
"Rasputin, you perverted son-of-a-bitch, you come out here and face a
grown woman for a change..."

     Between Stevie's continued yelling and Rachel's silent but equally
emphatic mental calls, it only took a few moments for everybody named to
come running, and Rogue also, wondering if this were some odd attack.

     Logan grabbed Stevie by the arms as soon as he arrived and shook her,
demanding gruffly,  "What the blazes you yowling about, woman?"

     Just then Peter Rasputin finally appeared, and she jerked away from
Wolverine's loose hold to rush up to the young Russian and slam him up
against the wall.  The tall and slender ex-dancer was angry enough and the
massive young man surprised and worried enough she might have managed that
trick even on her own, but Stevie had a surreptitious telekinetic assist
from Rachel, who'd easily extended her fierce love of the elder Kate Pryde
to her younger self in this time, and who'd already checked into Peter's
memories only to find the dance teacher was indeed telling the truth.

     Stevie didn't even think about how easily she'd pinned Colossus to
the wall.  "What the everlovin' fuck do you think I'm ravin' about?  This
tinplated bastard got Kitty pregnant while you all stood around with your
snotty noses up your shitty backsides.  And in case none of you goddamned
superhero types have noticed...  she's fourteen, people, that's statutory
rape in anybody's book.  And it happened on your watch, you blind fools,
he screwed that little girl under your noses, over and over..."

     In the midst of a stunned silence, Kurt gently pulled the shaking,
furious Stevie away from Peter.  As Storm began to protest automatically,
the dance teacher glared around at the small crowd of X-men and demanded,
"Look at him, just look at his face, and ask him if he can deny it..."

     The most effective protest that the surprised Russian could manage
was a stammered,  "I don't believe Katya's pregnant, she never said..." 
His voice trailed away, as he saw the incredulous looks directed at him.

     It was Ororo's turn to stand frozen in shock, while Wagner slumped
against the wall in disbelief.  Then there was a new commotion, as it took
all of Rogue's fast reflexes and a considerable fraction of her incredible
strength to stop Wolverine throwing himself at Colossus.  She held the
growling, raging Canadian gingerly, lifting him off the ground easily to
deny him leverage, careful to avoid the extended adamantium claws.

     "Logan, you will stop that, immediately."  Xavier's voice cut through
the chaos, as he finally arrived.  "Miss Hunter, it appears I must thank
you for bringing this matter to our attention, although I cannot help but
feel there may have been a more tactful, appropriate method of conveying
the news.  Where is Kitty, now?"

     "I left her at the arcade, told her to try to calm down, relax, and
wait for me to come back for her."  Stevie couldn't believe he had the
nerve to criticize her manner.

     "Then, as I said, we thank you.  But we will not impose on you
further, one of us will go collect her, perhaps Storm would be best..." 
Xavier had dismissed Stevie from his consideration, as he was wondering
who to send to fetch Kitty, and what to do about the situation.

     "I told her I'd be back for her, and I am going back for her myself. 
No damn way, mister, am I letting any of you mess with that girl anymore,
unless I'm there, too."  Stevie was adamant.  She didn't like the feeling
she was getting that Xavier had an agenda beyond Kitty's own good, but she
still had a strong card left to play.  "You talk to Kitty, you talk about
Kitty, I want in.  Or I'm going to the cops, right now..."

     "I can just remove your memory of all this, if you will not cooperate
voluntarily..."  Xavier retaliated in a reflex bluff, shuddering at her
undisguised threat.  He needed to protect all his students, his X-men,
from any kind of public exposure or attention, before he could even begin
worrying about protecting any one of them from simple personal mistakes. 
Explaining this to Kitty's parents would have been difficult enough, but
fortunately her father was incommunicado in a witness protection program
and her mother deeply involved with her own difficulties resuming her
career.  The police, or any other government or social agency, would be
much harder to control and subvert.

     Logan growled at Xavier's response, flexing his claws menacingly. 
"You try that, Chuck, an' I'll take you apart just as soon as I'm done
dismemberin' the Russkie here.  Kitty's sure gonna need someone here soon,
and I'm afraid we ain't it."  Nightcrawler nodded his emphatic agreement,
as Stevie herself continued glaring at the Professor defiantly.

     "And I'll just fix her memory back up, if you mess with it."  Rachel
ranged herself squarely with Logan and Kurt.  "Stevie, I'm sorry, we can't
thank you enough, for what you've done so far and for what you're offering
to do.  I think Kitty will need all of us here, to help her with this..."
The redhead threw a dirty look at Rasputin.  "...Almost all of us..."

     "You misunderstand, I do not question Miss Hunter's sincere concern
for Kitty,"  Xavier wasn't used to strong, unified opposition.  "I simply
feel it is not a legitimate concern for her.  Kitty is a mutant, after
all, as we all are, as is Peter, and as their child will be..."

     Just as Wolverine opened his mouth to demand,  "What the hell does
that have to do with anything?"  Stevie jumped back in,  "I don't care if
Kitty is a mutant or human or a bug-eyed monster from Mars, white, black
or green, all I care about is that she's a young girl with a big problem,
and I don't see that you give a damn about that one way or the other..."

     Xavier looked around at the others, finding little support.

     Rogue had stayed quiet, as still somewhat of an outsider, but now she
nodded emphatically, saying,  "Stevie sure as shinin' deserves in, people,
we wouldn'ta known but for her, an' she's gotta be better at this than any
o' us, an' we should thank God for her, too."  She smiled shakily at the
dance teacher, wishing she dared go over and hug her.

     "I agree with the Professor.  We do not require Miss Hunter's
services, we can take care of Kitty ourselves."  Storm had been silent
until now, the most stunned of them all, because she could in no way
imagine her idealistic "little brother" and her innocent "kitten" engaging
in such animalistic pursuits.  In contrast, the others had been shocked
also, but quickly recognized the commonality of such an occurrence,
accepting it and moving on to consider repercussions and solutions.

     "Oh, yeah?"  Stevie's voice dripped venom.  "Like you've taken care
of her so far, Ororo?  For God's sake, woman, I wouldn't trust you with my
pet cat, the way you've taken care of Kitty.  She's not a doll for you to
play with, and then put away until you want to play house again."  Storm
recoiled at that stinging criticism.

     "How can you ever consider allowing that woman into our councils?" 
Rasputin demanded, finally finding his voice.  "She obviously hates me,
and has prejudged me.  She will try to poison Katya's mind against me..."
He couldn't understand why all their attention had shifted away to Kitty,
and Stevie, after the first few moments.  This was more his business than
any of theirs, and he felt his opinion should have been the first sought. 

     He'd been surprised at Stevie's news but, after that first automatic
denial, Peter began quite liking the idea of being a father.  If the child
were a boy, he'd name him Mikhail, Peter decided, after his dead cosmonaut
brother.  He wondered if Kitty would object if he named a girlchild after
his first love Katerina, and decided he'd simply tell Kitty he wanted the
girl to have the Russian version of her own name.  Then, he could tell his
daughter the real, romantic source of her name later, when she was older. 
But he really wanted a boy, as he imagined the look on his parents' faces
when he presented them with their first grandson.

     The increasingly smug and self-satisfied look on Rasputin's face was
visibly infuriating Logan.  Wagner interrupted, before his friend could
launch another attack.  "I think we should let the good Fraulein Hunter
bring Kitty back here, with our most heartfelt thanks, and then ask Kitty
whether she wants her friend Stevie to stay or not.  That should be her
choice, her decision, not ours."  He turned to glare at Colossus.  "And no
one here is much interested in your opinion, Peter.  Do not fear, though. 
You will have your opportunity to speak, later."  Logan growled at that.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     Kitty had not only agreed to have Stevie involved, she'd begged her
dance teacher to stay with her.  That had infuriated Ororo, but Kitty
didn't much care about Storm's feelings right now.  Her relationship with
Storm had been quite strained ever since the older woman's dramatic
transformation in Japan during Logan's aborted wedding, as the young girl
was bewildered by Storm's sudden change in appearance and personality,
reawakening all the fears of abandonment Kitty had felt when her parents
divorced.  And Logan and Kurt sympathized with Kitty.  They'd been stunned
when Storm had met Kitty at the door with an anguished  "Kitty, how could
you?  I expected so much better of you,"  her subtle air of disillusioned
disappointment almost worse than outright disapproval would have been. 
Then she rushed forward to embrace Kitty, but the damage had been done.

     In contrast, a few minutes earlier, when Stevie had returned with
Kitty, Rachel had dashed forward immediately to embrace Kitty with a soft
"Hey, kiddo, how're you bearing up?"  and Rogue had followed without any
hesitation, although embracing the young girl more gingerly to be sure her
skin didn't touch Kitty's.  "Aw, Kit, Ah jus' wish Ah could hug you right,
like you deserve."  Then the two younger women had moved aside for Logan
and Kurt, who also came up to hug Kitty.  Kurt murmured his affection in
guttural German phrases while Logan just growled wordlessly as he held her
close, which Kitty had found the most comforting of all.  

     Colossus had remained inside, in Xavier's office where he and the
Professor were waiting, on firm instructions from everyone else, and where
everyone now assembled.  Kitty sat on the couch, with Stevie next to her
on one side and Rachel on her other side.  Rogue stood just behind the
couch protectively.  Kurt perched in an armchair near the couch.  Xavier
sat enthroned behind his massive desk, and Peter sat nearby.  Storm stood
near the desk also, while Logan paced all around the room restlessly.

     The Professor opened by demanding,  "How did this happen?"  That
earned him some suppressed snorts, from Logan and from Stevie.  He sent
them quelling looks, and elaborated his question.  "Just how long has this
been going on?"  

     Kitty looked over at Peter, who remained silent, then stuttered out,
"Since the Brood took us..."  Flushing bright red, she took a deep breath,
and squared her shoulders, and went on bravely,  "I thought we were going
to die, I asked Peter, I begged him, to love me just once before we died,
I was so scared out there, I needed him so much..."

     "And I just did as she asked,"  Rasputin broke in, only to subside at
the glares directed at him at that self-serving comment.

     Ororo and Kurt and Logan were all stunned that it had started that
long ago, as a lot of puzzling incidents over the last months suddenly
appeared in a different light.  Xavier probed on,  "And since then?"

     "Sometimes...  a few times...  when I was lonely, or when Peter said
he needed me..."  Kitty was not going to tell them her suspicions about
the correlations of those times with her working with Doug Ramsey, she
wanted him kept clear of all this.  "But not for a while...  Peter said he
didn't want me anymore, he fell in love with that alien healer..."

     As Logan growled again, hearing the still raw pain in Kitty's voice,
wishing he'd done a lot worse to Colossus at the time than simply allow
Juggernaut to beat him up, Xavier turned to Rasputin.  "Peter?"

     Colossus repeated defensively,  "She asked me, she just told you so.
I did not initiate this.  And nothing has happened for some time now."

     "Just because she asked you, in a very stressful situation, does not
make it right, Peter.  Did you not consider that at her age Kitty did not
truly know what she was asking?"  Kurt's tone was strongly disapproving.

     "At her age, most girls on the farm knew exactly what they were
asking..." Peter retorted, still unwilling to concede any blame.

     "This is not your farm paradise, even if such behavior were condoned
there, which I suspect is only a nostalgic misrecollection on your part. 
And Kitty was not raised that way in any case, so that is irrelevant. 
But, think and tell me, Peter, how would you feel if it were Illyana in
this situation now?  Would you truly find it so acceptable?"  Kurt saw
Rasputin wince at that thought, as he continued,  "But if it were only 
a few times, and you were careful..."

     Peter and Kitty both stared at the floor with equally guilty looks.

     Logan couldn't stay quiet any longer.  "You did at least try an' use
a rubber, bub, didn't you?  Or couldn't you be bothered?"  His voice rose
menacingly on his last question.

     As Peter remained silent, Kitty stammered,  "I didn't know what to
do, how to ask...  I thought a few times, once or twice, it would be ok...
but I did try to count, to keep track, but I wasn't sure what to do..." 
Her voice trailed away uncertainly.

     Stevie and Kurt joined Logan in glaring at Rasputin as he sputtered
in turn,  "I didn't think about it,  I was not being so cold-blooded in
planning our times together..."

     "You were right the first time, punk, you just didn't think,"  Logan
snarled, as Rogue moved to intercept Wolverine once again.  "Stevie was
right, it's statutory rape, bub..."

     "There is no need to use such ugly words, Logan, for something which
was only a simple, natural mistake,"  Ororo spoke up sharply.

     "Ugly words for ugly deeds, 'Ro...  It's called that for a reason. 
It don't matter if she asked him or she begged him or what, although I'd
be willin' to bet Kitty's still tryin' to cover up some for your precious
little brother here.  But it's still considered rape, because a kid that
age can't really know what she was asking for or getting into."  Logan was
the most flexible of any of the X-men when it came to individual freedom
and independence, but only for adults.  However, he was in turn the most
fiercely protective of children of any of them, and Kitty was his child,
especially after everything they had just gone through in Japan together.
He turned to Xavier challengingly.  "You tell me, Chuck, you read her mind
and tell me she really understood what she was gettin' herself into..."

     "I will not invade her mental privacy that way, Logan, or Peter's,
either, since there is absolutely no question of actually pursuing any
such formal charges.  This is a problem, a mistake, where they are both to
blame, and our only question is what to do about it..."  Xavier replied.

     "Yeah, well, it's nice to hear you admit it's a problem, mister,"
Stevie commented sarcastically.  "What with the other kids living here
now, you all better face up to the problem or else it's just gonna get
even more outta hand...  And none of which helps Kitty any, any way..."
Stevie was still furious.  "I just cannot believe that not one of you
noticed what was going on..."

     Rachel felt badly about not noting Kitty's physical condition, but
she herself had only arrived recently, after Peter had broken off with
Kitty.  And her ties to Kitty were based on her ties to Kate Pryde in the
future, not to any lengthy interactions with the young Kitty of today. 
And Rogue had never been close with Kitty or spent much time with her,
although she was now kicking herself mentally that she should have done
so.

     Of them all, Kurt was feeling most guilty he hadn't noticed anything.
His formal religion dictated he should condemn the guilty pair, but he
could not bring himself to do that.  He could not blame Kitty, although he
could bemoan her innocent ignorance.  He blamed Peter bitterly, who should
have known better.  But most of all he blamed himself, for not noticing,
for noticing something was wrong but not pursuing the matter, but most of
all for not making Kitty feel that she could come and confide in him.

     Logan's reaction was the simplest.  Rasputin had violated every rule
the Canadian held sacred, and was completely to blame, and needed to pay. 
Logan now understood why Kitty had been avoiding him so assiduously since
their return from Japan.

     Storm remained the most incredulous, and the most defensive about not
noticing.  She'd had to admit to herself her jealousy of Kitty's ties to
Peter, and to Illyana, and to Stevie Hunter, which had driven the first
wedge between them.  And she'd been going through some major changes of
her own recently, questioning her entire pacifist, naturalist philosophy
in the wake of her inheriting the leadership of the X-men from Cyclops and
her later vicious duel with Callisto.  She'd had to accept Rogue into the
X-men, on Xavier's demand, and then deal with that living reminder of what
Rogue had done to her friend Carol Danvers.  These stresses had combined
into Ororo adopting Yukio's attitude and appearance both, a change which
Kitty had found so very hard to accept.  And, when she should have been
helping Kitty understand, they'd all been concerned instead with the
unnerving potential of Madelyne Pryor.  "I am sorry, Kitten, if Callisto
and the Morlocks, and Rogue's arrival, worrying whether Madelyne could be
Dark Phoenix returned, and losing my powers all distracted me from you..."

     "Don't push it, Ororo, you lost your damn powers after all this..."
Stevie snapped.  "They both said it stopped before Kitty went to Japan,
and that was before all your problems gave you an excuse not to notice..."

     "In any case, it has happened."  Ororo remained loftily above
Stevie's criticism.  "And there is only one possible solution, they must
get married, and soon..."

     Colossus sighed.  He wasn't thrilled about the idea, but he wouldn't
deny his responsibility, and this was the most common reason for early,
forced marriages in the Soviet hinterland where he'd grown up.  Although
she usually considered Kitty still a child, Ororo actually found nothing
that odd in the idea, either.  At Kitty's age, she'd been on her own for
years, and she'd seen routinely younger girls with children while growing
up in Cairo.  

     "Don't be in such a blamed rush, 'Ro,"  Logan's voice grated in the
room.  "Kitty's only fourteen, she should still be thinking about school
and dates, not marriage and kids."

     Kurt was nodding agreement even as Ororo sharply replied,  "But she
must now think about kids, as you put it, Logan, so she must think about
marriage, also.  Or are you suggesting there is some other alternative?"

     Kitty was sitting quietly on the couch, arms wrapped around herself
tightly, as she listened to the others debate her suddenly limited future.
Stevie kept an arm around her, hugging her reassuringly, Rogue stroked her
hair gently, frequently, with gloved fingers, while Rachel squeezed her
shoulders with a warm, comforting grip. 

     She kept trying to ignore the discussion, as she tried to decide for
herself exactly what her feelings were.  Kitty had always wanted to marry
Peter, ever since she'd first laid eyes on him when he'd helped rescue her
from the White Queen, but she didn't really want to, at least not like
this.  None of this was what she had fantasized, nothing about 'being in
love' had turned out as she'd imagined.  There had been no romance with
Colossus, no real feeling of love or support, she finally began to admit
to herself, as she hadn't ever since that first night.  Kitty wondered
suddenly if she could stay an X-man, while pregnant and later, after she
had the baby.

     "I remember Kate and Peter being happy together, in my time, at least
until the troubles started, but that was much later, after school and many
years of growing up and growing closer.  I don't know if they'd end up the
same, if they started out so differently."  A small part of Rachel wanted
Kitty and Peter together, as a sweet little reminder of her old lost home,
but she firmly squelched that selfish little thought as she concentrated
on what would be best for Kitty.

     "Ah dunno, sugah, but Ah saw a whole passle o' shotgun marriages back
home growin' up, and Ah mind the womenfolk often ended up miserable an'
feelin' trapped, an' the menfolk was pretty resentful at bein' trapped." 
Rogue spoke up diffidently.  "Maybe adoption?  Find a good, lovin' family
what can give the child a good, lovin' home?"

    "Most certainly not any kind of agency, Scott was quite miserable
brought up as an orphan, waiting to be adopted.  Maybe, if we could find a
good family..."  Kurt's voice was pained, as he remembered being abandoned
as an infant himself, although he'd had a generally happy childhood after
being taken in by the Szardos family, given his appearance and all other
things considered.  He wondered suddenly if his birth mother had found
herself in the same position as Kitty here and now, if she'd had no good
choice, and perhaps no loving support either.

     "Adoption as you mean it is out of the question."  Xavier interjected
sharply.  He often preferred listening and judging as the others stated
their various positions, before making his decision, only entering the
discussion when absolutely necessary.  "May I remind you all, Kitty and
Peter are both mutants and the child will be, also.  It would be highly
irresponsible of us to allow the child to be placed with a normal family,
to expose the family or the child to that risk.  And the child could be
taken hostage someday, indeed as Illyana recently was..."

     As Peter winced at that reminder of the start of Illyana's unsettling
metamorphosis, Ororo said,  "We could ask Scott and Madelyne to take the
child, if marriage is totally out of the question, which I do not agree. 
But Scott would be very sympathetic to the situation, having been raised
in an orphanage himself, and he and Madelyne will have a child of their
own, with all the same associated problems..."

     "My child is not an orphan, Ororo, Kurt, Logan, Professor, who needs
to be given away to someone to care for."  Peter joined in the discussion
suddenly.  "And my parents would be quite willing to take in both Katya
and the child, when I explain to them, or they would happily take my child
only, if Katya wants her freedom back so desperately."  His voice hardened
at his last statement.

     "Just hold it, buster."  Logan snarled at Colossus' interruption. 
"I know you think o' your collective as heaven-on-earth, Petey-boy, but
here I always thought the rest o' your people considered exile to Siberia
a fitting punishment for the worst crimes, bub.  So you really wanna
sentence Kitty to that, to a hard life among total strangers in a foreign
society, cut off from everyone and everything she loves?  Just for being
dumb enough to love you?  You consider that such a crime?"

     "It is only what you all have done to me,"  Rasputin riposted.  Logan
was quite right.  In his memory, Peter idealized his collective farm, as
he did his entire society, as a golden paradise to return to someday, and
he often regretted leaving it at Xavier's invitation.

     "Enough."  Xavier reentered the debate.  "Peter's parents were unable
to protect Illyana, and there is no reason to believe they will do better
with his child.  And help from Kitty's parents is out of the question,
also, for the same reason, although her father's current legal troubles
must be considered an additional negative."

     Kitty had winced at the mention of being sent to Colossus' parents. 
Logan's comment about exile struck a deep chord within the young girl,
who'd dreamed of college and graduate school rather than housework and
farmchores.  Then she thought about her own parents, and cringed again at
the thought of having to tell them what she'd done, her mother at the
least, since she didn't know if she could even reach her father.  And she
thought about the other students finding out, the New Mutants with their
frequent thoughtless taunts which haunted her still, and prayed the floor
would simply open up and swallow her.

     Stevie had been watching in open-mouthed disbelief as the discussion
raged across the room.  Shaking her head in amazement, she now spoke up
loudly.  "Excuse me, people, but this is Kitty's decision, not yours, and
you're all talking like she's not even here."  The dance teacher twisted
around slightly to look Kitty right in the eyes.  "What do you want to do,
Kitty?  I promise you, I *promise* you, we won't do anything you don't
want.  What you want is the only thing that matters."

     As Rasputin sputtered in automatic protest at that blanket statement,
before Kitty could answer, Storm said sharply,  "Kitty is too young to
decide for herself, Stevie, and if you encourage her to try to do so we
may have another unfortunate situation like this on our hands."

     While Logan and Kurt, Rachel and Rogue, all began to respond to that,
Stevie's voice rose above theirs easily.  "If Kitty is old enough to be
pregnant, she's also old enough to decide for herself what to do about it. 
She's the one who will have to live with the consequences."

     "There does not appear to be that much to decide.  If Peter's parents
are not considered a safe haven, then either Kitty and Peter get married
and take responsibility for the life they've created, here under our
protection, or we ask Scott and Madelyne if they will take the child." 
Ororo was trying to bring the discussion to a close.

     "Those aren't the only options, and you know it, Ororo.  And if you
all are too mealy-mouthed to bring it up, I will.  Kitty could have an
abortion, it's certainly early enough."  Stevie had no intention of
letting Storm or the others ride roughshod over Kitty to the decision of
their preference.

     "That is unthinkable.  We are sworn to preserve life, not to take it,
and especially not for our own convenience."  Ororo's voice was harsh, as
she remembered facing the same dilemma about the Brood egg growing within
her, and whether destroying even life such as an alien parasite child were
possible given her beliefs.  Even she had compromised, electing to destroy
the parasite but also herself in the process, to balance the scales of
life, until the Acanti had intervened to save her.

     Stevie gave the other woman a disgusted look.  "Of course, it's not a
simple solution.  And Kitty wouldn't just walk away scotfree, nobody does.
She'd have to live with the consequences, just like she will whatever she
decides.  But it is an option to be considered.  And the advantages are
she'd be able to continue her life, her schooling, without the burden of a
responsibility she's not ready for, with the help of her friends."

     And the sea of discussion raged on around the rock of misery that was
Kitty Pryde.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

Part 4   Hauntings

     The discussion raged on intermittently for weeks.  

     Peter insisted he wanted his child, whatever Kitty's decision as to
her future, and would raise that child, with his parents' help if needed. 
Everyone was vastly relieved at Rasputin's ready acceptance of impending
fatherhood and the associated responsibility, which virtually eliminated
the need to consider any possibility of an abortion.  

     Kitty's attitude wavered much more than Peter's did.  At fourteen,
she wasn't anywhere near as ready or willing to actually commit to
marriage and a family as Rasputin was at nineteen, despite her earlier
romantic fantasies of marriage to Peter.  Just as she couldn't bring
herself to call her mother and tell her what had happened, putting that
onerous duty off from day to day, Kitty couldn't bring herself to decide
once and for all whether she wanted to marry Colossus and try to raise
their baby together, with the X-men or with Peter's family or her own, or
whether she could bring herself to just give over her child to Peter and
selfishly return to her own old life unencumbered, knowing that might mean
stepping out of her child's life completely.

     But, to everyone's secret relief, the baby was wanted, and it seemed
that any other decision could be postponed, at least for a while.

     Storm couldn't cope with the way Kitty had seemed to turn to Stevie
in this situation, rather than to herself.  She couldn't admit that much
of that was simply Stevie being the first to notice Kitty's condition and
offer her wholehearted support.  And Ororo wouldn't admit that much of
Kitty's avoiding her was simply Kitty feeling she'd disappointed Storm so
badly, not living up to her mother-figure's idealized expectations for the
younger girl.  After several painful confrontations where Ororo could not
accept that Kitty hadn't immediately rejected Stevie's suggestion of an
abortion out of hand, Storm resumed her interrupted trip to Africa.  She
hoped that by regaining her own serenity and balance first she'd be better
able to rebuild her relationship with Kitty on her return.

     With Storm gone, Nightcrawler was now team leader, but he was
inexperienced, and uncomfortable in his new role.  The others tried hard
to keep Kitty out of any combat situations, afraid to risk her in her
condition. They were all worried about her phasing having possible adverse
effects on her child, since no one had any experience in this area.  But
they usually didn't succeed.  One time, Nimrod attacked the weakened,
depleted team, and Kitty was needed, since it was her plan that enabled
Rogue to defeat Nimrod.  Then the Professor and most of the X-men were
taken to confront the Beyonder again, leaving Kitty to try to rescue the
New Mutants from the Gladiators and a Karma terribly warped by the Shadow
King's control, with only Dazzler to help.  

     The dying Xavier was taken by Lilandra and the Starjammers, and
Magneto took over.  He was less delicate, more pragmatic about using Kitty
when she was needed, but the greatest care in the world couldn't keep her
safe all the time.  Illyana's sword came to Kitty when the Beyonder took
away Illyana's dark side, and she was taken by the demons before Illyana
saved her.  Again, because of her bond with Illyana and her soulsword,
Kitty was the only one who remembered the New Mutants when the Beyonder
unmade them, and Rachel went to confront him with the X-men's help, just
as it was Kitty's bond with Illyana that took them to Asgard to rescue
Storm from Loki.

     As the need to keep Kitty out of the risks of battle increased with
time, so did the need for her powers and skills in those battles.  Rachel
disappeared one day, after Wolverine had gutted her to stop her killing
Selene, afraid of the effect such an act could have on someone of Rachel's
vast powers and traumatic past history.  Then Nightcrawler was injured,
badly, during another fight with Nimrod, where he forgot to allow for
Nimrod's intelligence and adaptability and tried the same trick that had
worked before.  

     By the time the Marauders attacked the Morlocks, only Rogue and
Colossus and possibly Wolverine were at full strength, and no one knew how
much cutting Rachel cost Logan.  Magneto remained at the mansion, with the
New Mutants, as did their new arrival, Betsy Braddock.  Storm was skilled
but still powerless, and Kurt was far more weakened then he would let on. 
Kitty insisted she was needed, as she remembered the senseless slaughter
of Annalee's children not long before.

     When Vertigo began the Marauders' attack on the X-men, Nightcrawler
tried to help by disabling her, but Riptide easily tore him up when he
couldn't teleport away after the strain and effort of eliminating Vertigo. 
Even though he was busy fighting Colossus when Scrambler disrupted Rogue's
powers, Harpoon turned away for a moment from his own battle to try to
take advantage of Rogue's sudden vulnerability to attack her.  But he hit
Kitty instead, as she tried to phase Rogue to safety, while Riptide kept
Colossus from aiding them.  Kitty was trapped in a permanently phased
state, and Rasputin collapsed later from his injuries.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     The many casualties of the Morlock Massacre masked the severity of
Kitty's condition for a while.  Trying to save the last remaining Morlocks
kept Moira MacTaggart and the others busy.  Nightcrawler remained in a
coma, and Magneto's attempt to use his powers to help Colossus was only
partially successful, saving his life but leaving him paralyzed in his
steel form for an unknown reason.  Kitty's condition, phased but otherwise
unhurt, seemed relatively benign by comparison.

     It was some time before all Moira's tests indicated that Kitty's
condition was progressively deteriorating as the molecules of her body
drifted farther and farther apart.  The others feared the inevitable brain
damage, and they also wondered how long the baby could survive in such a
state. Moira's exams showed a number of problems developing, as the baby
lacked Kitty's unconscious experience in surviving in such a state.

     Magneto tried to convince Reed Richards to use one of his recent
inventions, but Mr. Fantastic was distracted over a domestic crisis within
the Fantastic Four, and doubted himself, and refused to take the risk. 
Dr. Doom offered his help instead, and Storm, desperate for Kitty's
recovery and feeling guiltily responsible for her situation, agreed to
accept his aid, despite the great likelihood of a trap or trick.

     Colossus raged helplessly at the situation, still paralyzed in his
steel form, unable to do anything to help, although there was nothing he
could have done to help.  And he resented being left behind on Muir Island
when Moira and the X-men went to transport Kitty's life support cell to
Latveria.

     Betsy Braddock, Psylocke, was Kitty's only communication path to the
outside world, as the young girl could observe and listen to events around
her, but could no longer make herself heard, as she gradually became more
and more intangible.  But Psylocke's much more important function was to
maintain the final integrity of Kitty's mind and personality as the very
synapses of her brain also gradually lost their integrity and ability to
function.

     It required the closest of mind links.  Betsy learned Kitty's soul to
its core, as she tried her hardest to make sure that no smallest bit of
the young girl's personality was irretrievably lost, and she came to
treasure Kitty's soul the more she came to know it.  

     Betsy relived Kitty's happy, secure childhood in Deerfield, the best
of a traditional American middle-class upbringing with the added benefit
of a strong religious and family tradition.  She saw Kitty's beginning
with the X-men, her courage and her enthusiasm for Xavier's dream even at
that young age.  Psylocke suffered through Kitty's shock at her parents'
divorce, more traumatic for her than for most because she had not been at
home to see the warning signs, and had therefore been completely taken by
surprise at their seeming sudden decision.  The pain at her parents'
separation was increased by a wholly unjustified feeling of guilt and
responsibility, that, if Kitty had only remained at home, things might
have turned out differently.

     Psylocke saw Kitty's shame at her father's criminal involvement
warring with her pride at his finally facing up to the consequences of his
actions, and the suppressed note of fear that he would inevitably fall
back into the same weakness again someday, when she might not be around to
save him.  And Betsy saw the hidden pain, as Kitty refused to admit to
herself how much the increasingly brief and infrequent contacts with her
mother hurt her in their superficiality.

     It was the X-men, Ororo and Logan, Kurt and Peter, who took the place
of her family.  As Professor Xavier was far too remote to be a comfortable
father figure, Logan took that place even as Storm tried to mother the
young girl.  Kurt was her adored big brother, once she was able to see
past his appearance, and Peter was quite simply her whole world.  And,
with the arrival and aging of Illyana, her substitute family was complete.

     Betsy relived all of Kitty's encounters with Peter, from the first,
from the viewpoint of an adult that neither Kitty nor Peter could manage,
understanding the young girl's understandable confusion of love with sex
even as she saw Peter's automatic separation of affection and sex.  But
she had no opportunity to try to heal the emotional scars left by those
encounters amidst the current crisis.  It was Psylocke's duty to preserve
Kitty's psyche, and that took all her strength.

     Just as Betsy relived all of Kitty's encounters with Peter, Kitty saw
Doug Ramsey in Betsy's mind.  And Betsy was touched to feel only a wistful
regret from Kitty, that her relationship with Peter hadn't been as sweet,
as innocent, as satisfying, rather than the raging jealousy she'd half
expected.  Their mutual affection for Doug brought the two girls together
far beyond age, or nationality, or experience, or any other differences.

     But neither the physical life support system not Betsy's telepathic
abilities could hold the baby to life.  Kitty had years of living with her
power, her system automatically compensated for her phased state to some
degree.  But the developing child had no such autonomic reflexes, and its
mind was little more than a waking dream, almost impossible for Betsy to
contact.  And, as the baby peacefully faded, Psylocke had to deal with
Kitty's guilt and despair even as the other X-men dealt with Dr. Doom and
the Fantastic Four.

     She would have lost Kitty to her final desolation, without Franklin's
intervention.  The young boy had been coming to watch Kitty in his dreams,
worried about his friend even as he fretted about his parents' conflict
with each other, with Dr. Doom, and with the X-men.  It was Franklin who
stopped Kitty's suicide attempt, Franklin whose mention of his dead baby
sister managed to reach through her despair, even before Lockheed could
summon the X-men to intervene.

     And, when Reed Richards and Dr. Doom had finally worked together and
succeeded in reversing her condition, too late to save her baby, it was
Franklin she turned to, while the X-men celebrated with Doom and the
Fantastic Four.  Richards' prognosis had said it would take time for her
to recover fully, a long time, but Kitty knew, inside, she'd never recover
emotionally.

     Dancing with Franklin's astral self, Kitty made herself a promise, 
"I love you, Franklin...  Only little boys like you, or old friends like
Kurt and Logan, from now on...  You can't trust fathers and lovers just
hurt you.  I swear, never again..."

                       *   *   *   *   *   *


     Once they got back to Muir Island, they had to tell the paralyzed
Rasputin what had happened.  Kitty wanted to do that herself, but she
still needed Betsy to communicate, at that early stage of her recovery.
Despite her earlier vow, Kitty still had a vague hope that mourning would
bring them close together again as nothing else had, but it didn't work
out that way.  

     Peter was more upset than anyone had expected at what had happened,
blaming everybody and nobody, that they could save Kitty but not his baby.
He thought, and rightly, that most of the others had seen the child as an
inconvenience, and that none of the others had understood how much he'd
wanted it, after the first shock.  Peter was quietly furious that everyone
acted as though Kitty were the only one who'd lost a part of herself.  And
he didn't realize every harsh word he spoke in his anger and his pain
Kitty took as a personal reproach.

     As he gradually recovered his mobility and was able to return to his
human form, albeit with difficulty, Peter spent more and more time away
from Muir, roaming around the countryside sketching, as he tried to come
to terms with what had happened.  He debated quitting and going home but,
after hearing about the X-men being hounded fugitives, he called Illyana
to take him away, back to his teammates, who were in Dallas, and rejoined
them just in time to agree to die with them.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     Back at Muir Island, just as Kitty watched the end of Neal Conan's
incredible live broadcast of that momentous battle with the Adversary,
Nightcrawler finally awoke from his coma.  Even as Kitty had to break the
news to him, they had no idea the X-men weren't dead but were standing in
Roma's Starlight Citadel instead, where she offered them the choice of
resuming their old lives or starting over, with everyone thinking they
were dead.

     After telling him about the X-men and Dallas, Kitty had to tell him
what had happened in the Morlock tunnels after his collapse, all the death
and destruction, and her injury and Peter's.  Then she had to go on with
the story, telling him about the frantic efforts to prevent her phasing
away completely and the partial success Reed Richards and Doom had had,
saving her but not the baby.  

     As she slowly recounted all the details for one of her oldest and
dearest friends, Kitty finally broke down and cried as she hadn't since
her original injury.  Moira MacTaggart hoped and prayed that her tears
signaled the start of a spiritual healing process she needed as much as
her physical recovery, but that wasn't the case.  

     Kitty's voice hardened again as she told Kurt about her promise to
herself, to never allow herself to be vulnerable in that way, to be hurt
in that way.  She told Kurt about Peter's anger at their loss, but
couldn't bring herself to express her own deep sense of guilt at what had
happened.

     Nightcrawler didn't need Betsy's powers to know how much Kitty had
always needed love and affection and reassurance, especially since her
parents' divorce.  With his years of experience carefully observing people
in their reactions to his outre appearance, he'd been able to discern
Kitty's neediness for himself.  And Kurt realized she hadn't gotten what
she needed so desperately from Peter, whose view of love and marriage was
much more earthy and practical than Kitty's romantic fantasies.  Ignoring
the lingering aftereffects of his own injuries, Wagner put aside his own
anger at the departed Rasputin and his actions, and concentrated all his
efforts on helping his remaining dear friend learn to live with her loss.

     However, Kurt couldn't imagine how deeply Kitty blamed herself, for
endangering the baby in the X-men's battles, and for not being able to
maintain it as she had herself until Richards' successful treatment, how
she'd taken personally all Peter's anger and resentment at his loss of
fatherhood.  Instead, thinking only that she was upset at the destruction
of her illusion of how love should be, he tried telling her,  "You will
get over your pain and change your mind, Katzchen.  This wasn't how it
should be.  It was too soon, too quick.  You were not ready yet, but
someday, soon, you will be...  Do not make rash decisions that will affect
the rest of your life just as surely as your past actions, well-meaning
but misguided as your time with Peter."  But he saw her shaking her head
in stubborn negation, refusing his reassurances.

     Kitty couldn't admit to Kurt or to Moira that, although she was very
upset when Storm and Wolverine and Psylocke and Madelyne were apparently
killed in Dallas with the other X-men, deep down in a secret corner of her
soul she was relieved she wouldn't have to deal with facing Colossus every
day as a living reminder of what had happened.  That natural but shameful
sense of relief again just made her feel even more guilty, and unworthy.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     While they recovered under Moira's care, Kurt tried a number of times
to talk to Kitty about what had happened, and how she could put it behind
her as a lesson learned, and move on, but he couldn't find a way to get
past her bitterness.  Nightcrawler kept on trying to get through to her,
intermittently, while they rescued Rachel from Saturnyne's agents the
Technet and decided to form Excalibur together with Captain Britain and
Meggan.  Living in the lighthouse didn't help Kurt make his case, as
watching the hell Brian put Meggan through with his drinking and his moods
just reinforced Kitty's belief that love inevitably led to misery.  And
Kurt's own breakup with Amanda didn't add to his credibility on this
subject, in Kitty's jaundiced view.

     Wagner had hopes when Alistaire Stuart, WHO's chief scientist, showed
up, seeing Kitty's immediate crush on him.  Nightcrawler encouraged the
young girl working with Alistaire on research projects, both to revive her
interest in science and electronics and to draw her out of her protective
shell.  But Kurt soon realized that the only reason Kitty indulged herself
with this new romantic fantasy was because she knew it was perfectly safe,
that Alistaire would never look at her in that particular way with the
flamboyant and spectacular Rachel around to occupy his attention.

     After a brief initial hesitation, Alistaire enlisted Kitty as his lab
partner eagerly, as soon as he fully realized the depth of her knowledge
and genius.  After several lectures from Kurt and Rachel and his sister
the Brigadier, he was always extremely careful never to respond to any of
Kitty's soulful sighs or languishing looks or wistful comments, usually
responding with some seemingly accidental mention of his own attraction to
Rachel.  In turn, Rachel treated Alistaire much more kindly than most of
her admirers.  Although she never returned his interest, she also never
decked him as she did the panting and drooling Nigel Frobisher once. 
Rachel knew that Alistaire was fully aware of Kitty's history, having
access to all WHO's files on Excalibur and the X-men as chief scientist,
and she appreciated his care of the fragile Kitty.  But they were all
very careful not to let Kitty find out Alistaire and his sister knew her
history.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     With time, and subtle care from Kurt and Rachel and Alistaire, Kitty
was beginning to recover, and open up again, when they suddenly found out
the X-men were alive, seeing them captured and put on trial in Genosha. 
Kitty didn't know which hurt most, that Ororo and Logan had allowed her to
believe they were dead, or that there was no sign of Rasputin among the
familiar and unfamiliar faces on the mutant teams involved.  But she told
herself that if Storm and Wolverine and Psylocke were all alive, Peter had
surely survived the events in Dallas, also.

     It took quite a while for the expatriate members of Excalibur to
actually reunite with their former teammates in the X-men, after Warwolves
in X-men guise had first attacked them at the hospital where Lockheed was
being treated and after the X-men had defeated the Shadow King and his
captive minions on Muir Island.  And, even then, it was a reunion of
X-teams, concentrating more on the return of Professor Xavier from space,
than a personal reunion of Kurt and Kitty with Ororo and Logan and Peter.

     Kitty had cringed at the idea of seeing Rasputin again.  She'd tried
to hide her fears from Kurt and Rachel, and failed.  They found Colossus
distant, mourning more over losing his new life as the successful artist
Peter Nicholas due to Xavier's restoring his memories in order to break
the Shadow King's subversive control, than over the earlier loss which had
driven him from Muir back to the X-men.

     There was only occasional brief contact between the two groups until
Illyana's illness and death brought Kitty and then the others back to
Westchester.  She rushed to Illyana's side as soon as Moira told her how
serious matters were, even though the young Illyana returned after Inferno
did not remember their close friendship as Kitty did.  Peter was away with
the X-men on a mission, and Kitty felt free to devote all her love and
attention to the sick little girl in his absence.  

     As many others had before her, Kitty found that illness and death had
a way of wiping out any amount of resentment and bitterness and, during
Illyana's funeral, she tried going to Colossus when she found him burning
all his paintings, to comfort him, to try once again to express her love,
and to ask him if they could have another chance together.  But Peter was
full of resentment himself, that the Professor had not called him back in
time for his sister's death, and rejected Kitty's overtures coldly, just
before he went on to repudiate Xavier and the X-men by leaving to follow
Magneto and his Acolytes to Avalon.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     And all Kitty's wary bitterness returned, only strengthened by what
she saw as a lapse in her self-promised vigilance against making the same
mistake again, her vow to herself to avoid the illusion of love and the
reality of pain in her future.  

     She had a lot of reason in the next few months to remember her
self-imposed caution.

     Rachel was lost in the time stream, getting Brian back for Meggan. 
Douglock appeared, a painful reminder of the lost Doug Ramsey.  Moira had
become infected by the Legacy virus, and Rahne came to be with her foster
mother when her erstwhile lover Sean Cassidy seemed too committed to Emma
Frost and the next generation of mutant students to be with Moira in her
time of need.  And, right after a nasty Brit named Pete Wisdom had joined
them, first as the official Black Air observer, then later as their ally
against his erstwhile employers, Peter Rasputin showed up on Muir Island
unexpectedly, months after he'd left to follow Magneto, after he and
Callisto had helped the X-men defeat Gene Nation's attack on humanity.

     Kurt and Amanda, Moira and Meggan, all worried about the effect his
presence might have on Kitty.  But they had heard enough from the X-men,
and observed enough for themselves, to be unwilling to turn him away from
the help and companionship Colossus was so obviously seeking after all his
losses.  And Wagner hoped having to deal with Peter every day would force
Kitty to confront and resolve her past.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

Part 5   A Glimmer of Hope

     Kitty Pryde was driving Pete Wisdom absolutely crazy.  Kitty was a
beautiful girl, he'd be blind not to see that, but, even more tempting and
tantalizing, she was a puzzle he couldn't figure out, and he hated that. 
He couldn't understand why she was so distant, so cold, so hostile to him.
Pete knew he was rude and moody, but Kitty's aversion seemed far beyond
anything justified by his own misbehavior.

     He'd thought once or twice on their excursion to Black Air's Dream
Nails base that she seemed to be opening up to him slightly but, before he
could say or do anything in response, she'd pulled back sharply, leaving
him feeling a door had slammed in his face.  He'd tried to find out from
the others what was wrong.  Pete figured asking Moira would just be a
waste of time, unless he was in a mood for a fight, but Braddock had just
growled at him while Meggan had looked unhappy as she said,  "I'm sorry,
Pete.  I'd like to explain, but I can't.  It wouldn't be right..."  Wagner
had been even blunter in his response,  "It is none of your concern, Herr
Wisdom, but rather a private, long-standing problem of ours.  You two seem
to work together well but, beyond that, leave Kitty alone, to the care of
her friends."

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     Kurt had sent the two of them on an information-gathering mission,
first to break into a large New Year's Eve party being given at his large
country estate by a prominent member of the London Hellfire Club, then to
sneak away from the main event and find any records which might indicate
whether the London Hellfire Club was plotting their return to their usual
power-mongering after their recent humilating defeat in their alliance
with Black Air.  Nightcrawler had no intention of being surprised again,
intending to keep tab on their former foes surreptitiously whenever
possible.

     Admittedly, Brian and Meggan would have fit better into the rarefied
social atmosphere at the party.  Braddock had automatic entree to any
Hellfire Club affair.  However, Brian and Meggan weren't exactly anonymous
or inconspicuous, and neither of them would have known how to obtain the
information Kurt wanted.  Kitty and Pete could blend into the party, if
they refrained from calling attention to themselves, and they knew exactly
what to do once inside.

     At first, everything went well.  Kitty's powers made it easy for them
to enter undetected, and mingle with the guests.  Penetrating into the
private living areas in the upper stories, where Wisdom had been before
while still working for Black Air, Pete had found the office and Kitty had
easily broken into the computer files, downloading everything she could
for later analysis.

     It was on their way out that things went wrong.  They were back among
the guests, planning their exit, when a voice rang out,  "Wisdom!  What
are you doing here, you traitor?"  Pete recognized the former Tory MP as
one of Black Air's most fervent supporters in their abortive power bid. 
Shots rang out from several of the servants at his shout, causing the
guests to panic and scatter.  As they ran through the chaos to the main
door, Kitty hanging on to Pete's hand tightly to keep them both phased,
Wisdom panted to her,  "Well, looks like our fearless leader was right... 
something is definitely starting up again."

     Running out into the cold night air, Wisdom heaved a sign of relief
to see a car in the drive, apparently dropping off a late party guest.
They easily knocked out the few servants assigned to valet parking duties
in the steadily worsening snow storm, and piled into the conveniently
idling car, after Wisdom had dragged a surprised chauffeur out of the
driver's seat.

     Driving away as fast as possible in the limited visibility and icy
road conditions, they looked back and saw several cars following, even as
shots started up again.  As one of the shots got a tire, several others
starred the windshield and one somehow ricocheted into the engine block,
Pete finally lost control and their stolen car veered off the road to
crash into a tree.

     Huddled off to the side where they'd been thrown after she'd phased
them out of the car at the last moment, Kitty and Pete saw their pursuers
arrive to view the violently burning wreckage and heard them say,  "Well,
that should take care of the intruders.  Let's go back, and report."  The
two fugitives waited several long moments after their pursuers had left,
before straightening up out of hiding.

     Dressed only in a slinky blue minidress, Kitty had her arms wrapped
around herself, shivering both at the cold air and the snow that covered
her, as she said,  "Okay, now what?  You're the expert at spying and
sneaking and surviving...  We're nowhere near our pickup point, and we
don't have any way to call the others to come get us, since we couldn't
risk taking communicators in with us and tripping some alarm.  I guess 
we head for the nearest phone?"  She didn't sound too enthused about the
prospect of a long walk in the dark in a bad snowstorm, wishing she had
her usual sneakers, or even better some nice warm boots, instead of her
flimsy, spaghetti-strapped, high-heeled sandals.

     "Nah, too big a risk."  Wisdom answered absently, as he stripped off
his jacket and bundled her up within its limited shelter, ignoring her
half-hearted protests.  "Those wankers thought we was goners, but somebody
back up the chain will know all about us, an' figure that a little thing
like a car crash wouldn't take us out.  They'll send search parties, with
dogs, an' the roads'll be the first thing they check.  This storm's the
only thing givin' us a chance.  We need to find a place to hide, while the
snow covers our tracks."

     Pete was shivering himself, as the cold wind cut through his thin,
snow-wet, shirt.  He tried to estimate their current location, at the same
time he tried to remember what he'd seen on the ordinance maps of the area
he'd studied.  "There should be an old gameskeeper's cottage not too far
from here.  It's empty, gives us a place to hole up in some shelter, an'
easier to defend than bein' caught out in the open, if we gotta fight..."

     He started off through the thick snow drifts without waiting for an
answer, then looked back to see Kitty airwalking after him above the
snow, a look of intense concentration on her face.  Stifling a curse, Pete
waited until she came up to him and, when she'd solidified to take a deep
breath, he grabbed her and lifted her up into his arms.  Kitty struggled
briefly, exclaiming,  "What do you think you're doing?"

     "Don't be stupid, I need you in good fightin' shape, not tired out
just from avoidin' the snow..."  His growl was surprisingly comforting in
her ear, reminding her suddenly of Logan's gruff affection, as was the
feel of Pete's arms around her and his chest where she rested against it. 
"An' stop wigglin', dammit, you're heavy enough as it is, you're just
slowin' me down."  

     "And this won't tire you out just as bad?"  Kitty's sarcastic comment
came just as Pete was wondering to himself how far he could get carrying
her, but she stopped struggling against his hold, saying  "At least, let
me help..."  Wisdom felt her weight lessen dramatically, as Kitty phased
herself until he just barely had hold of her.  "Nice trick, that,"  he
grunted appreciatively, as he started across the snow-covered countryside.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

     His memory was good, as always, as was his sense of direction.  They
came to a small fieldstone cottage, obviously abandoned, windows grimy and
broken in a few places.  A small hotknife took care of the lock, and they
went inside.

     It wasn't as bad as it might have been.  There was only one big room
inside, with an empty fireplace, some broken furniture, and actually very
little dirt and debris.  Wisdom quickly smashed apart a rickety chair, and
used another hotknife to set fire to the few pieces of wood he threw onto
the brick fireplace, as Kitty watched, shivering, asking him fretfully, 
"Why so little?  There's lots of furniture here to burn."

     Pete sat on the floor cross-legged in front of the fire, holding his
own shaking hands out to its welcoming warmth as he replied absently, 
"Can't risk too much smoke, even in this storm, it'd give us away..."  He
looked up at Kitty where she still stood in the middle of the room, where
he'd set her down on her feet.  Wisdom could hear her teeth chattering
with the cold.  He held out an arm to her in invitation.  "Come here."

     He saw in stunned disbelief that she actually jumped back from the
warmth of the fire, in her rush to get away from him.  Kitty cringed
herself at the pained look in Wisdom's eyes at her silent rejection.  She
knew he didn't deserve it, he'd been trying to take care of her as best he
could since things started going so wrong.

     Before Kitty could come up with an apology, he growled at her,  "I'm
not making a move on you, you stupid cow, it's just common sense, for both
of us."  Pete hadn't dropped his arm, it was still held out toward her.

     She came toward him hesitantly, and he pulled her down to sit in his
lap as he wrapped his arms around her tightly.  Wisdom could feel her
frozen stiffness, and knew it was due to fear much more than cold.  He
couldn't imagine what she could fear so much, he couldn't believe she
could possibly be afraid to be alone with him, no matter how much they'd
fought and argued in the past.

     "Hell, Pryde, what a night, huh?  Started out so well, you broke into
that computer smooth as silk, until my misspent past screwed us..."  He
started talking to her quietly, as he held her close.  "So, y'know, oh
great an' lovely goddess of computing, you never did get around to tellin'
me just when an' how you got so damn good at hackin'..." 

     Pete could feel her relaxing in his embrace as he kept her talking
about neutral subjects like computers, as the tiny fire gradually dried
and warmed their wet, cold clothes and bodies.  The conversation gradually
died away, and Kitty dozed off in exhaustion.  As he held her sleeping
body gently, Pete buried his face in her soft hair, enjoying its delicate
scent.  He kissed the top of her head lightly, careful not to wake her, as
he admitted to himself he wasn't just challenged by her, he was attracted
to her, as well.

                       *   *   *   *   *   *


     They woke up to daylight struggling in through the dingy windows, and
a dead fire which Pete quickly started up again with a few more pieces of
derelict furniture.  He found some old, cracked but usable stoneware mugs
and plate in a broken cabinet, and scrubbed them with handfuls of snow,
before filling them with melted snow for drinking and washing, thinking
how he much preferred to use his hotknives usefully for survival rather
than simply for killing.

     Kitty was still huddled within his jacket, trying to comb her tangled
hair out by running her fingers through it.  She didn't know how to thank
him for all his care the night before, especially after she'd hurt him
accidentally, so she just said briskly,  "Well, now do we try to walk to 
a phone?"

     Wisdom thought about it for a minute, then shook his head as he said,
"We're not out o' the woods yet.  That friggin' storm last night covered
us good but, if we try to get away, we'll just lay down fresh tracks an'
scents.  I bet they're still searchin' for us, they won't give up that
easily.  We should sit an' wait it out another day or two, for safety."

     Grinning wryly at Kitty's unbelieving look, Pete explained himself
further.  "Lesson I learned way back when, the hard way...  Y'know what
gets most spies killed?"  As she shook her head in bemusement, he went on,
 "Impatience.  You get in a rush to get done and out, you get sloppy, you
get caught or killed.  In this game, sometimes, the slower, the better..."
He was surprised to see her flush at that innocent comment.

     She protested weakly,  "Kurt and the others will be worried about
us.  They won't know what happened, just that we didn't show up when and
where planned..."

     "Better them worried than us dead,"  he shrugged off her concern. 
"But we'll go, if you insist...  if you don't want to stay here..."  She
certainly seemed more relaxed than she'd been the night before, but Pete
hadn't forgotten her frozen fear in his arms.

     She could hear the unspoken 'alone with me' in his offer.  "No,
you're probably right, the Hellfire Club might still be searching for us."
She sighed, wistfully.  "But I'm getting hungry..."

     Pete laughed wryly at her plaintive complaint, as he settled himself
in front of the tiny fire again.  "That I can't help with.  I don't think
I'd taste very good, although you're welcome to try..."  He was intrigued
to see her flush again at his bad joke.  "But we won't be thirsty, and we
can keep warm together..."  He held out his arm to her again, as he had
the previous night.

     Although she still hesitated, visibly, she didn't flinch away as
before, and Wisdom was pleased to see her come to him without further
coaxing.  Kitty settled into his lap again, enjoying the feel of his arms
around her, reassuring herself it was only the increased warmth she really
wanted.

     There wasn't anything to do but talk, and once again Wisdom stuck to
relatively safe subjects, such as Excalibur's history before his arrival,
old villains he'd read about but never met.  He'd always enjoyed talking
to Kitty, even while they fought acerbicly, since he never knew what odd
experience or encounter she'd suddenly refer to, and they hadn't spent
this much time alone together since the time she'd helped him find out
what happened to his friend Culley, and avenge his death.

     Pete was emboldened by the feel of Kitty's warm body pressing against
his, without any of the stiffness he remembered from before.  Her head lay
on his shoulder comfortably, and her arms held him close in turn.  Their
heads were close together, too, as they spoke quietly together.  During
one of the frequent pauses in their conversation, he couldn't resist any
longer.  He leaned forward to touch his lips to hers lightly.

     Kitty was out of his arms and standing on the other side of the room
in a flash, as it was Wisdom's turn to sit frozen stiff, in shock at her
reaction.  He got up and approached her warily, seeing her tense in fear
again.  "What's wrong, Pryde?  I didn't think I tasted that bad..."

     His feeble joke fell flat, ignored as she silently shook her head.
He kept on, "I'm sorry...  I did tell you I wasn't makin' a move on you,
an' I broke my word...  I'll keep off, I won't touch you 'til we leave." 
His voice was bitter now.  "Trust me, I really mean it this time."

     Pete was turning away from her, when he saw Kitty approaching him
slowly.  She reached out to lay a hand lightly on his arm, as she said
breathlessly,  "No, I'm the one who's sorry.  You've been so good to me,
Pete, you don't deserve this.  And you didn't do anything I didn't want." 
She came closer to him, lifting her face to him in unspoken invitation.

     Putting his arms around her again, gingerly, Wisdom bent slightly to
kiss her again.  Kitty responded to his kiss, eagerly, but he could still
feel some resistance in her.  After a minute, he pulled back and looked
down at her face so close to his, trying to read her enigmatic expression.
"What's the problem, Pryde?"  He thought, for a moment, he might know what
made her behavior so contradictory.  "Is this your first time?  Is that
what the problem is?"

     She jerked out of his loose embrace again, her face flushed crimson. 
"No, it isn't..."  she spat angrily,  "...and that's the problem!"

     But Kitty didn't move away again as Pete approached her to put his
arms back around her.  "Why?  That's nothing to be ashamed of, you're old
enough, and I ain't exactly innocent, either.  It don't matter to me... 
Or is there somebody else, now, some bloke I don't know about?"  He froze
in sudden shock.  "Or did somebody..."

     Before he could finish his last question, he felt her hot tears
against his shoulder.  Wisdom held her tightly, murmuring reassurances,
waiting for her to cry herself out, knowing she'd tell him as soon as she
could speak.  And she did.  As Pete held her close, Kitty told him in a
voice still choked with sobs,  "There was someone, but it was years ago,
back when I was fourteen...  And, no, he didn't force me, of course not.
I invited him, I wanted him, I loved him...  I thought I did...  And I got
pregnant, and I lost the baby, and he blamed me, and I blamed me too, and
I promised myself I'd never care again, never let anyone hurt me that way
again..."  She dissolved in a sea of tears again, but Pete could feel all
the earlier tension drained from her quaking body, as Kitty pressed into
the comforting shelter of his embrace with all her strength.

     He kept his arms around her, holding her tight, and kept murmuring
all the comforting words he could come up with, as Kitty slowly quieted
down.  "You can't blame yourself, love, nobody can blame you, these things
happen, is all...  But if I ever get me hands on the sick bugger who 'urt
you this bad..."  His eyes were glowing red.

     Kitty jerked back again, exclaiming,  "No!  Promise me, Pete, please
promise me, you won't say or do anything...  I don't want to drag up the
past, I just want to leave it buried..."

     He looked at her in surprise.  "I don't expect I'll have the chance,
will I?  Or will I?  Who was it...  not Wagner?!"

     Eyes still shining with unshed tears, Kitty couldn't help choking
back a laugh at his appalled look.  "No, dummy, of course not..."  She
sobered up quickly, taking a deep breath to continue with her confession, 
"It was Peter Rasputin, you know, Colossus, we were together in the X-men,
he and I and Kurt all at the same time.  And I loved him, I thought I did,
and I was so scared, I thought that we were going to die, and I wanted him
to hold me, to love me back just once before we died..."

     She could feel him tense under her hands.  "An' your friends let that
stupid git stay around, after what he did to you, where you have to look
at 'im every day?  Well, I'll fix that right up, soon as we get back..."

     "Pete, no, please..."  He looked at her pleading face, and hugged her
to him tightly again, before gently kissing away the tears on her cheeks. 
Kitty didn't know how to tell him how much more his instant acceptance of
her past meant to her than anything he might threaten to do to her former
love.   "Please, it was my fault, I asked for it, really, they were right
not to punish him for my mistake..."

     "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say, Pryde."  His
voice was harsh, but his lips on her face were soft and gentle, and his
embrace warm and supportive.  "The only mistake you made was fallin' for 
a louse and his line, when you were too young to know better."

     She shook her head at his reassurances.  "No, you don't understand.  
I was the failure, there must be something wrong with me, he didn't really
want me, and I didn't want him really, I never enjoyed him...  and I don't
want to ever go though that again, feel a failure again, with you or with
anyone, ever again..."  She kept talking, trying to tell him about her
times with Peter back at the mansion, how she'd kept trying to love him
and make him love her back, without success, until he'd finally fallen for
someone else, how they'd found out about her pregnancy soon after, how
she'd lost the baby before deciding what to do.

     Even though her words were getting increasingly confused, Wisdom was
getting a pretty clear idea of what had happened, and he remained appalled
that anyone could have treated her that badly, without being killed by her
so-called friends and family.  "Listen to me, Pryde, and keep tellin'
yourself, nothing that happened was your fault, that damn Russian is an
idiot and a fool, nobody else would've treated you that way..."

     He continued gently,  "Look, you were scared and upset and you needed
somebody to hold you, to love you.  That's normal.  It don't have to mean
you wanted to make love, that's different.  You didn't ask for what you
got.  You asked for love and affection, and you got screwed instead."
Wisdom smiled at the small, surprised snort of laughter that got out of
Kitty, as she hung on to his every word.  "If you're scared and lonely
'cause you're rememberin' that time years ago, if all you really need is
someone to hold you, I can do that for you, no strings attached..."  Pete
hugged her tightly again.  "God, any man would love to just hold you an'
comfort you, you should *never* feel you have to buy affection with sex." 
He leaned over to kiss her again, before continuing in a hesitant tone,
"But you're the most wonderful woman I've ever met, I want to show you sex
can be different, can be wonderful, if it's lovin', if you want me to..."

     Wisdom straightened up again, and stared deep into her big glorious
eyes as his voice strengthened again.  "But I need you to understand... 
You don't have to want me back, or let me do anything you don't want, that
you ain't ready for.  See, love, I can just hold you, and I'm enjoying
that, and I hope it makes you feel better, 'cause I don't like seein' you
hurtin'.  But we don't have to do anything else, especially not now..."

     Kitty couldn't believe how warm she was feeling, in a cold empty room
in an abandoned old cottage, how safe she was feeling, when they had the
Hellfire Club scouring the countryside for them.  But she was still having
trouble accepting Pete's reassurances.  He wasn't an old friend like Kurt
or Logan, to offer comfort without wanting something in return.  "But... 
what's wrong with me, why don't you want to...?"

     His disgusted snort at that blew a wisp of her hair into her face,
and he paused to carefully smooth it back into place, before tightening
his grip on her emphatically.  "Bloody hell, I do want to, you little
idiot.  I just told you that.  But the point is, I don't have to, I can
just do this, and you don't have to, you don't have to pay me for this... 
you only love me if you want to love me, not to buy me."

     As Kitty leaned trustingly into the warmth of his hard, wiry body,
she realized that Kurt and Logan had both tried telling her the same
thing, but now she could finally believe it, with Pete saying it.  She
couldn't imagine him telling her sweet-sounding lies just to make her feel
better, it wasn't in him to cover up the truth, to himself or to her.

     Keeping tight hold of her, Wisdom led her back over to the warmth of
the little fire, settling himself back on the floor and pulling her back
down into his lap.  Cuddling her close, Pete indulged himself in all the
little touches he'd dreamed about, stroking her cheeks to wipe the last
remnants of her tears away, running his fingers through her rich tumbled
hair, bringing her hand up to his face to press a kiss into her palm.  And
he was delighted to feel her pressing close, rather than pulling away.

     Kitty left her hand on his face, stroking his cheek in turn, as she
looked at him consideringly.  "Maybe you're right...  maybe all I want is
to be held..."  She saw the brief flash of disappointment in his eyes at
her words, and felt obscurely pleased.  "But I think I want more, I think
I trust you not to hurt me..."  She managed to hide her satisfied smile at
the glow of hope now lighting those deep blue eyes.  "I want you to make
love to me, Pete..."

     His arms tightened around her at those words, involuntarily, but he
didn't make any other move, just staring back questioningly into those
wide brown eyes looking at him so trustingly.  It was all he wanted to do,
so desperately, but he knew it could be a fatal mistake to allow her to
follow the same pattern as before.  Wisdom leaned over for another kiss,
then straightened up to say briskly,  "Right, then...  but not in an old
ruin freezin' our butts off, and not on the spur of the moment when you're
scared an' hurtin'...  I won't let you make the same mistake again."  As
Kitty looked at him in shocked surprise, Wisdom continued softly,  "When
we get out o' this, after you have time to think, I promise you we will,
we'll do it right, if you still want to..."  He was worried he could see
a pang of rejection in her eyes, and leaned forward to kiss her again. 
"Don't you worry about me, I'll be ready an' eager, anytime."

     Not giving her a chance to say anything, he continued in a hard,
serious tone,  "An' I ain't gonna risk gettin' you preggers, an' I ain't
got anythin' on me.  So we wait, no questions, no arguments."  As Kitty
flushed in sudden embarrassment, Pete couldn't resist just one more gibe
at what he couldn't help considering his absent competition.  "Didn't that
stupid, selfish, tinplated bastard ever hear o' rubbers, anyway?"  Wisdom
was still upset by what had happened to her, seeing how badly she'd been
hurt.  He took it totally for granted that the man was supposed to take
care of his partner, and now suddenly realized what he might have done to
someone else, if he'd ever been less careful.  

     Kitty was oddly warmed by his harsh words, and by the unromantic
conversation, and gradually realized that his suddenly practical attitude
made it easier for her to believe Pete was taking both her and this
relationship seriously.  She said, hesitantly,  "You don't have to worry
about that."  As he looked at her in surprise and sudden concern, it was
her turn to smile at him reassuringly as she went on to explain,  "Ever
hear of the idea of double insurance?  I made sure Moira fixed me up so
I'd never get pregnant by accident again, even though I had no intention
of ever having sex again."  She reached out to run her fingers over his
lips, sighing as he opened his mouth to suck at her fingertips lightly. 
"So I'm safe, until I ask Moira to reverse the treatment."

     He let go her fingers reluctantly, with a final gentle nip, then said
firmly,  "Mebbe so.  But I ain't changin' my mind, regardless.  We wait,
until you can think some more about this, until you're sure..."

     But Wisdom was no saint, despite his good intentions.  He had a warm,
willing woman in his arms whom he wanted with a yearning ache, and they
had to stay glued together for warmth, and they had nothing to distract
them from themselves.  Hugs and kisses seemed safe at first, but his free
hand gradually slipped down from Kitty's soft cheek to the even softer
skin just above the plunging neckline of her thin party dress, leaving
that tempting area only to run his hand along her long, lissome legs,
while Pete told himself he was only trying to keep her warm.

     They were so engrossed in each other that the first they knew of any
company was the creaking rasp of the broken door being pushed open.  They
rolled apart instantly into fighting postures, only to relax when they saw
Kurt and Brian enter.

     Braddock looked around the derelict cottage with a jaundiced eye,
while Nightcrawler explained they'd come looking for them with a portable
mini-Cerebro unit Moira had provided, keyed to their personal readings
which she kept on file.  While talking, and listening to Kitty's recap of
events and her triumphant display of the precious disks she'd made sure 
to hang onto, Wagner examined the two of them surreptitiously.  From what
Kitty said, he would have expected a cold, hungry and grumpy pair busy
sniping at each other.  Instead, he saw a sparkle in her eye and a glow in
her face he'd not seen in years, as he watched her reach out her hand to
pull the stiff and groaning Wisdom up onto his feet.  Looking back at the
two as he and Braddock led the way to the waiting Midnight Runner, Kurt
was stunned to see them first walking hand in hand, and then to see Pete
sweep Kitty up into his arms with a cocky grin as they stepped out into
the snow, her arms wrapped around his neck as she laughed back at him.

     While Kitty shoved Brian into the co-pilot's seat and took over the
controls with a practiced hand, Wagner pulled Wisdom aside, to the back of
the Runner's passenger area.  Pete tensed up, expecting a lecture at best
and a fight at worst, but Kurt simply said quietly,  "Whatever happened,
I'm glad."  Pete gave him a skeptical look, but saw nothing but sincerity
in Nightcrawler's open face.  He answered, just as quietly,  "I don't get
my kicks pottin' wounded birds, mate.  Nothing's really happened... yet."

                       *   *   *   *   *   *

Epilogue

     Safely back on Muir Island, Meggan and Amanda coddled the recovered
pair with welcome hot drinks, hot baths and fresh clothes, after Moira's
preliminary exam showed no signs of frostbite or other exposure problems. 

     After she'd rested and cleaned up, Kitty came down into the main
living room.  It was more crowded than usual, since Betsy and Warren had
come to visit Brian and Meggan, and Beast had accompanied them to consult
with Moira about their Legacy research.

     She paused in the doorway, looking for an empty seat.  Colossus got
up, where he was sitting talking to Kurt, saying,  "Wait, Katya, I will
fetch another chair."

     "Don't bother,"  Wisdom said in a hard voice, holding out his arm to
Kitty from where he sat slouched in an armchair.  She smiled, recognizing
the same gesture he'd used before in that old cottage, and went to him
without a moment's hesitation.  Pete pulled her down to sit in his lap,
where she nestled comfortably in his arms as he bent to kiss her.

     Everybody was watching in amazement, especially Rasputin.  Everyone,
that is, except for Wagner who smiled himself in pleased satisfaction. 
Kurt knew how much Kitty needed such a public admission and validation of
her new relationship, after the secrecy of her old affair with Peter.

     After a moment with her mouth hanging open in shock, Moira demanded,
"So, what's happenin' exactly between you two?"

     "Bloody hell, MacTaggart, take three guesses,"  Wisdom grinned at her
cheekily.  "An' here I 'eard you were supposed to be so smart..."

     Colossus made an aborted move forward.  But they'd never know exactly
what Peter might have intended, since he immediately subsided again at the
silent glares aimed his way by Wisdom and Nightcrawler, Amanda, Meggan,
Betsy and Moira herself.

     Similar smug smirks on their faces, both Kitty and Pete absolutely
refused to answer the many further questions on their personal matters.
The conversation gradually returned to more general topics, although
everyone kept staring at the new pair in spell-bound amazement.   After a
while, tired of the others' stunned expressions while they kept rehashing
the mission for their teammates' benefit, Pete looked down at Kitty's
flushed face so close to his, and asked her,  "Ready to call it a night,
love?"  At Kitty's nod and smile, they got up and left the room together,
hand in hand.

















