## Archive-name: mangos.and.grapes

From: stella@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (RICHH)

Subject: RICHH: DICK DYKE DIALOG #1

Newsgroups: alt.prose,alt.sex

I was in Border's Bookstore(17th & Walnut, Philadelphia), upstairs, in the gay/lesbian/sm section when this woman comes up to me. She's wearing a black racing jacket, bluejeans, boots, and a pair of Vuarnets.
"You're not supposed to be reading *that*," she says. "You'll learn all our secrets."
I'd been sitting there, flipping through 'Macho Sluts'.
"Actually," she says, "If you don't mind, I'm curious. I've always wondered what guys think of Pat. You straight?"
"Sure, I can be."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
She looked down to see which story I had the book opened to. "Surprise Party. Figures. Well, what do you think? Of the book. You read 'Doc and Fluff'?"
I nodded and said, "I don't think she'll ever be taught in English classes but I'd give my left nut for just *one* of her balls."
She realized what I had said before I did because she began to laugh. I joined her shortly. Border's has an espresso bar upstairs so we grabbed some coffee and sat down. She extended a hand and said, "Beth. Dyke."
"Rich. Not."
"You ever go by 'Dick'?"
"No, I always stop and say hello."
"Ha. So what did you mean "not taught in English classes"? You don't think she's hot? I thought guys liked--Maybe you're not--"
"I wouldn't be reading it if it wasn't hot. What I meant was, well, nah, it's not anything, just nitpicky--
"No. Go on."
"Have you ever read any Anais Nin? Henry Miller? D.H. Lawrence?"
"I read 'Women in Love' in college."
"Lady Chatterly's Lover."
"Nope."
"Well, you must see a difference between the way, let's say, Lawrence writes--"
"Like a fag."
"All right. Well, Califia's prose is workmanlike at best--"
"Huh?"
"It's just good enough to get the job done. Which is odd, because I've read some of her poetry and most poets, when they write in prose, write with a lot more, oh--"
"Elegance?"
"Grace, yeah. So you know what I'm saying, then? But it's stupid, really, to criticize her for not being Jane Austen or Virginia Woolf. No one reads 'Doc and Fluff' the same way they read 'Mrs. Dalloway' or 'Northanger Abbey'."
"With one hand."
"Heh. Exactly. But it's not really a fair criticism. It's like comparing mangos and grapes. What's the point?"
"Yup. So tell me something, Dick. What's the big prize in your world?"
I really liked how she talked. "Well, Elizabeth--"
"Watch that--"
"Big prize, huh? In reality or in my head?"
"Both."
"In my head it would have to be consensual sex with a real honest-to-god dyke or a straight man. In the real world it would have to be, oh, a soprano."
"A soprano?"
"Yup. Opera singers."
"They just had someone on 60 Minutes--"
"Jessye Norman."
"Yup."
"Like in 'Diva'."
"Exactly."
"I could see that. You get high?"
"Here?"
"I do all the time. Follow me, boy." She rose and headed to the bathroom. Border's has two bathrooms upstairs, both unisex and both large and roomy. And they lock, too.
"She called me boy", I said, just loud enough for her to hear. "She called me boy."
"Don't <perfectly-timed pause> even *think* it."
We slipped into the rest room on the right and locked the door. From an inside pocket she pulled out a little round tin that once held cherry drops. 'Les cerises' it said on top. Inside were a few roaches. She put one into a pair of hemostats and lit it.
Soon we were back at the espresso bar.
"What really blows me away, though, are the men in her books."
"The men?" she said.
"Yeah. No one creates men as interesting, as multi-faceted as Pat Califia."
"Go on."
"Like in 'Doc n Fluff', the President was such an alive, vital character, I hated--"
"But what he did to, oh,--"
"Tina?"
"Yeah, it was horrible."
"I always thought that was kind of cheap. That always felt, you know, "forced". Like she was making him do something he wouldn't have really done, I guess in order to justify killing him at the end. Now, I can tell what you're thinking--don't get me wrong--she writes some great women, too, as you would expect. I mean, Doc, that one who owned the Calyx of Isis--they're all great, but it's her men that completely blow me away. Anderson, Michaels--"
"The spoiler."
"Oh God, yes, him. The cops in the Surprise Party, you just don't find men with the depth that these guys have. In real life. Or as sexy. Except, of course, the drummer for INXS."
"Ha."
"And Keanu Reeves. Hey, you watch L.A. Law?"
"Of course. It's the rules. C J, oh Jesus, that accent."
"When she kissed Abby. That had to have been the second- hottest moment on tv all year."
"Second? What was the first?"
"You tell me."
She didn't even have to think. "Let's see, in *your* world... When Audrey tied that cherry stem into a knot on 'Twin Peaks.'"
"Bingo."
We finished our coffee and went our separate ways.

Last modified (10/10/96 15:05:12) by Eli-the-Bearded.

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