 
     I found it difficult to gather my thoughts as I sat smoking my
                        cigarette in the silence
 
	Clansmen: Saga of the Eternals 

	Chapter 1 

	by FeyRen 

I found it difficult to gather my thoughts as I sat smoking my
cigarette in the silence. The reason was, ironically, the fact that the
silence was so loud. I heard once that scientists had discovered that,
by broadcasting the exact opposite of a sound, you could make it so
that no sound was actually heard. That's what this silence was, it was
anti-sound, it was the opposite of a million, shouted conversations at
once in a tiny prison cell, it was loud. I gave up the impossible task
of thinking in that silence, stubbed out my cigarette, and sat back in
my chair so that I could survey the room. 

The others were all here, except for the two who were representing us
in council. Even with Gallagher and Hans gone, I still believe that
this was the first time this many of us had been in one room in years,
since we had last been in high school, in fact. Now here we all sat,
years older...but still nowhere near as old as we felt. I reached,
almost without thinking, in to my breast pocket and fished out another
cigarette, glad that I did not have to step out into the cold New
England winter to allow myself this attempt to relax. 

After lighting my smoke, I leaned even farther back in my chair and
surveyed the room. I felt the sudden need to know where my friends
were, and more importantly, where those less friendly to me were. It
wasn't really that I had enemies here, we were all clansmen after all,
but under circumstances such as ours, what had began as small personal
rivalries and disagreements had begun to be blown out of proportion.
For the most part, we were still loyal, in some cases fanatically
loyal, to either the clan, it's goals, or each other, at least I was
fairly sure MOST of us were, although there was one person here that I
was fairly sure wasn't interested in anything but himself. Almost
without thought, I began to look for him, but before my eyes could seek
him out, my view of the room was cut off as a golden vision softly
inserted herself between my eyes and the room. 

Nightshade sat down and in the chair across from me. Only inches
separated our knees, but to my tortured heart it was as though a mile
wide chasm occupied those few inches. Our eyes met and for an instant I
saw that she understood this pain, and her eyes were as clear as
crystal, allowing me to see the sorrow beneath them. Then she blinked,
the crystal clouded, and I saw only the tight penetrating gaze I
remembered so well from before. 

"Hello Fey." Her voice was as soft as her earlier gaze, but as
emotionally dry as her present look. 

"Nightshade." I inclined my head slightly, and took care to keep my
voice as even and controlled as hers. 

"How have you been?" 

"I've been as well as can be expected, all things considered." Damn. I
hadn't meant to let that slip so quickly, but apparently she
understood, for she simply nodded to herself. As she opened her mouth
to reply though, a small tornado suddenly rushed across the room and
deposited itself in her lap. 

"Hi mommy!" Raven, Nightshade's daughter piped, fixing her mother with
an impishly whimsical gaze from beneath long curls as black as her name
implied. 

"Hello dear." Nightshade replied, pulling the young girl the rest of
the way up and seating her in a more comfortable spot on her lap. "What
have you been doing?" 

"Playin' with Geordie." The child responded proudly, holding up the
slightly ragged stuffed doll she had in her hands. 

"Oh I see." Her mother smiled, and as she looked at her daughter, I saw
the same crystal clarity I had seen earlier, but this time the emotion
radiated was pride, but was that a touch of wistfulness as well, or was
it my imagination? I decided that I'd never be sure, and that it was
best not to think about it. She glanced at me, beaming with that warm
maternal glow I had only seen once, a few months before Raven's birth,
and scant weeks before the last time I had seen Nightshade. "Darling,
you remember Fey don't you?" The child looked up at me and her eyes
sparkled. 

"Of course mommy, Mr. Birdman!" She giggled at this last part and her
mother and I shared a chuckle.  The name I used here, different from
the one I currently used in the real world, was Fey Ren. Ren, in this
case is pronounced the same as WREN, a small bird, hence the child's
nickname for me. "He's the one that's so nervous about me." The child
added, which ended our mirth. 

"Why do you say that darling?" Her mom asked sharply. 

"Cause it's true mommy, I hear it here." She insisted, pointing at her
head. 

"Darling, you're not supposed to talk about what you hear, remember?
Now apologize to Fey." 

"Yes mommy, I'll remember. I'm sorry Mr. Birdman." 

"That's alright." I replied automatically. 

"Now go play honey." Nightshade set the youngster down and watched her
as she scurried off to a private corner. Then she stood, her golden
hair waving slightly with her movements. "We'd better go get some more
wood for this fire." 

Realizing that she really wanted a chance to speak with me alone, out
of earshot of the others, and seeing as the others were doing a fair
job of ignoring us right now, I knew the discussion had to be extremely
private. 

"Look." Nightshade said, as soon as we stepped out into the woodshed,
"I don't want there to be any tension between us, we've had that for
too long. Can't you accept me as a friend and forget about the other?" 

"It's been a long time since we were anything, let alone simply
friends." I avoided looking at her as I began tossing wood into the
bucket. 

"Maybe as they measure time, but for us it's barely been a heartbeat." 

"Maybe, but my heart got cut pretty deep between those beats." 

"And you think mine didn't?!" 

"You left. You were going to run away home and never look back, never
talk to any of us again." Now she really got upset, and her cornflower
blue eyes swam with brimming tears. 

"You were doing the same damn thing and don't you forget it!" 

"I couldn't stand to see the two of you together anymore. He was my
friend, but I wanted to kill him for the way he treated you!" 

"You think I didn't? Hell, leaving was the only way I could get away
from him. By the time I was settled, you'd left as well and I didn't
know how to find you. I couldn't leave a message for you with anyone
because he'd have gotten it." 

She was right...I didn't like it, but she did have a point. I knew how
hard it was to find someone across 3/4ths of the continent, hell I'd
been trying to find HER this whole time. 

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" 

"How do you know I'm not?" Damn I hate it when she makes sense. 

"Fair enough." I conceded, then I thought of something, "You
know...I've thought about what this conversation would be like a
hundred times...but I never thought it would be like this." 

"Really? How did you think it would be?" 

"I thought that we'd end up together again. But that won't happen now,
and, no offense, but I'm glad it won't." 

"Fair enough. How is your family by the way?" 

"They're doing alright...William doesn't understand why he can't be
here, but the others are old enough to understand." 

"What have you told them?" 

"The kids? Just that I had some very important stuff to do and that I'd
try to be back soon." 

"And your wife?" 

"I've told her everything. I told her the whole story before we got
married," I grinned, "she thinks I'm crazy, but she thought that before
I told her, she just thinks it's worse now." 

Nightshade's lips crinkled in that familiar wry smile. 

"I understand how that is, believe me." 

"Well, we'd better get back." I lifted the full wood pail and opened
the door. 

I entered the library and walked directly to the fireplace. Setting the
pail on the hearth I squatted down and started feeding the blaze, which
had just begun to die in my absence. As the second log landed in the
flames and, popping gently, settled into position, I felt it. I always
know when someone is behind me, especially when that person is
unfriendly. I knew who it had to be, and I knew that he meant me no
immediate harm, so I ignored him just long enough to toss a third log
on, stand and brush my hands casually on my jeans. 

"What do you want Lucius?" I asked wearily as I turned to look him in
the eyes. 

"What's going on Fey?" His eyes sparkled, and his mouth drew back in
that merry grin he usually uses to his advantage, I, however, was
having none of it tonight. 

"Cut the crap brother." I said, placing all the scorn I had ever felt
for him into that last word. "I'm in no mood to pretend with you
tonight." 

"Alright, if that's how you want it. I thought that we could at least
act civil to each other tonight." 

"I've spent too many years being civil to you, while at the same time
hating everything you stand for." 

"Fey, it's been what, more than two thousand years, can't you forget
about that one life?" 

"Why should I? The rest of the world hasn't. You corrupted the thinking
of the entire planet with that simple power play you pulled." 

"Simple? You think that life was simple? Living within those rigid
constraints, just because a bunch of guys who suffered heat induced
delusions managed to convince a bunch of hot, starving, bastards that
they knew what was gonna happen and then wrote down their insanities?
Hell they had everything accounted for, you have no idea how hard it
was to pull off." 

"Then why did you bother with it Lucius?" 

"For the power, and to misdirect the humans." he shrugged, "Same reason
we've all had for the things we've done at one time or another." 

"Well, I'm through with that shit, for now and forever." I brushed past
him and began to head across the room, but his voice from over my
shoulder made me pause. 

"If that's true, then why are you here tonight?" 

I turned back to him and looked him in the eyes and replied, perfectly
clear and level, so there would be no mistaking my meaning...or my
honesty. "Because I believe we can finally work to repair the damage
our presence has had here. All our petty squabbles are pointless and
they've ruined this place, I'd like to see us start helping the humans
instead of treating them as pawns and sheep. They are our children,
after all." I broke off at that, though there were a hundred more
things I could have said, I hadn't intended to make a speech. 

He simply snorted softly, dropped his eyes, shook his head gently, and
walked off to the shadowy seat in the corner that he had occupied most
of the night. I shrugged, turned, and continued my walk back across the
width of the room. I begin to browse the books on the cases that lined
the walls, starting next to the door and working my way clockwise
around the room towards the fireplace, making sure that I would reach
it long before I came near Lucius again. 

As it turned out, my precautions were unnecessary.  No sooner had I
started to browse the titles on the first bookcase, than a low gong
resonated through the library.  It was, of course, the symbol we had
been waiting on.  Galigher and Hans had returned from the council
meeting, now we would see what had been decided, if anything.
 
 
 
Being closest to the door, I opened it, and held it as the others filed
past.  I looked no one in the eye, though I was not unaware of the
quick glances thrown in my direction.  I concentrated instead on the
flames roaring in the hearth, beautiful, as fire always seemed to me. 
Sunshine was the last , and I closed the door behind me as I followed
her out into the hallway and turned right towards the dining hall.  I
was somewhat surprised that she had answered the call, seeing as how
she had tried her best to deny what she was.  I suppose there are some
things you can’t change about yourself,  no matter how much you want
to.  I had once felt that way, though I had no desire to change the
things she did, but I had learned years ago to be happy with who and
what I was.  No mater how much I might hate some things I had done, and
that had been done to me, I knew that they had all worked together to
make me who I was, and damn it all, I liked who I was.
 
 
 
_Y_
 
