"...so damned unpretty.." blared out of the radio, as TLC's once famous

song brought me back to a time 15 years ago......

***********************

"Why In the hell do you like me?" Linda asked.

"Because You are lovable sweetie!" I stated, wondering why she could

never understand that I could love her.

"What do you mean? All I am is an ugly freak!" She began to cry.

Holding her to my shoulder, I recalled what my mom once said to me 2

years ago. Being a guy of 16, I couldn't understand why she felt this way,

but, decided to parrot the once wise words that had saved my life.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I see you as lovely. I don't

know why you keep trying to see yourself as something less."

She sniffled, pulled her head back and looked at me like I was from Mars

(Which, since then, I have learned that Men truly are from Mars and Women

are from Venus!)

"What do you mean Trying to see myself as something less?" She queried,

while trying to puzzle out if I was being serious.

"I mean, you are beautiful. The only way you could not see this is if

you were trying not to. There is too much good about you to not see any of

it!" I exclaimed

She looked into my eyes again, and I saw something there that scared the

shit out of me.

"I am nothing special. As a matter of fact, I don't understand what you

would ever want with a girl like me." She said.

Sighing, I leaned back against the lockers. This required a story that

I was certain I did not want to tell in the middle of the crowded halls in

our school (Can you say dope fiends? I knew that you could! <sorry Mr.

Rogers!>) "Can you come with me to a place that I know. It will give us a

few minutes to talk privately. I need to let you know something about me.

It will be hard to hear, and I think even harder to say."

"...uhh... Sure, I guess. What does that have to do with..." she

started

Not trying to be rude, I grabbed her hand and started walking....

towards the administration building! As she trailed along with me, I could

feel her getting more and more concerned with our destination. Not pausing

once we arrived, I pulled her into a closed office. I took a moment to

compose myself and to place a short call on the interoffice phone. Then,

turning towards her, I started to talk.

"Lynn, I have been your boyfriend for 2 years. Ever since I got to this

school, you have always been there. Remember us meeting in Mr. Halls

Geometry class that first day?" I hurried on seeing her smile in

recollection "Well, I kinda lied to everyone as to why I transferred here

at the beginning of Sophomore year." I looked at her to make sure I had her

attention.

"I was raped." I couldn't think of a better way to come out and say it,

and with her shocked look, I figured I might as well go on before she ran

out screaming "As you know, My dad is... well he lets just say he is VERY

devout in his Christian beliefs. You know I am a geek and at 120 Lbs, I

have always been... Well... easy prey for bullies. In my freshman year,

I was raped by a teacher at a Christian school. I tried to tell my dad,

buy he thought that I was lying to cover up for the fact I was doing badly

in that teacher's class. My mom overheard the conversation and came in.

She told my dad to shut the fuck up!" I chuckled, thinking back at the

shocked look on my dads face.

"You should have seen my dad. He looked like someone had smacked him in

the face with a cold fish. He sat there with his mouth trying to make

words, and looking at my mom like she was from another planet. She then

told me to finish telling them what happened. I tried to make them

understand that I wasn't a fag or nothing. But, I could see the look on my

dads face. He had already decided that I was something less than he would

pick up after the dog." near tears I concluded "I decided that I needed to

die."

Looking at her, I figured I had shot my wad; she was going to run out of

the room freaked beyond belief. Much to my surprise, she asked "What

happened then?" She seemed enthralled by the story.

Feeling the pain and humiliation of the past, I continued.

"I finally got through the story with my parents. Then came the police,

every man I looked at had pity or disgust in their eyes, and I didn't know

how to deal with it. Once we got through with the police, it was damn near

10pm. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was put my plan into motion. 20

sleeping pills and I would never have to wake up again. Going to the

bathroom, I started to open the bottle of medicine as the thoughts and

feelings of the day had rushed through me. Feeling Pain, Humiliation, and

Fear, all because I wasn't a big enough man to protect my manhood. I was

spoiled, a freak and a total disappointment to both of my parents." Here I

stopped, unable to go on.

Tears were pouring down my cheeks, as I noticed Mrs. Lopez sitting with

us. She had known of my story, but I wasn't sure if she believed me until

that moment. I saw the same tears flowing across her cheeks that were

mirrored on my own. Drawing on something I didn't know that I had, I

resumed.

"I downed the pills. I remember thinking that I hoped this would make

me look better to my dad. I hoped he would know that I was trying to fix

things for him. I sorta stumbled into my room, not able to see that well,

and passed out on the bed. My last wish was that my mom would not worry

about me and mess this up. Unfortunately, she didn't. My sister did. At

5 years old she knew not to touch the bottles in the bathroom. When she

found an empty bottle of pills in the sink, she asked my mom to come put

them away. Later I found out that she saw the bottle and called 911

running to my room. I woke up in the hospital 3 days later, with my

stomach feeling like someone took a chainsaw to it. I realized I was still

alive and started to cry. I couldn't believe it. I fucked up committing

suicide. And I knew that everyone else on the planet knew I was damaged

goods. I couldn't protect myself and I couldn't even kill myself right. I

was certain that I was now going to get the "What the hell were you

thinking" speech. I guess the crying woke up the people sitting on the

couch. My mom, looking like she had 2 black eyes, came around to where I

was facing. She rubbed my cheeks, wiping away tears, and asked if I needed

something for pain. I couldn't believe her. I was so sure she was mad at

me, yet she was asking if I needed something for pain. I waited for the

yelling to start. I heard the curtains of the "room" I was in move and

tried to curl into a ball. I wasn't ready for anyone else. No Doctors, No

Family. I wanted sweet oblivion; I was so ready to die."

Realizing I was telling Linda this story, I looked to her. She had

joined in the tears that were shared around the room. Mrs. Lopez, sitting

quietly, asked a question "Are you sure you can deal with this now Tony?"

"Not like I have much choice Mrs. L. Linda is in a similar situation."

I stated and watched Linda look like a scared rabbit. Ready to run.

"She has been having some troubles, at home I guess, and she needed to

know there are others that can help. That was why I went through all the

graphic stuff. Not everything, but enough to know that I have, and

sometimes still am, gone through hell. Sometimes, the only way to let

people know is through example. I have tried to be supportive and to let

her open up on her own, but, it hasn't helped. Something she said to me

today, made me realize she is as close to the edge as I was." I finished up

with a feeling of helplessness.

When Mrs. Lopez looked at Linda expectantly, I stated "I don't think

she is ready to talk yet. Let me finish my story. I am almost through."

Picking up where I left off "I was ready to die. No one could ever

understand what I was feeling. I was broken in my soul, and outside of

death, there was no cure. I kept my eyes closed as the nurse checked me

out, then as the doctor did his thing. I didn't want to see anyone else's

eyes. No more pity. No more disgust at this little boy who let some guy

put his dick in my ass. I sure as hell didn't want to see that look in my

father's eyes again. All I wished for was death, for everyone to leave me

alone with my pain. Of course they didn't. I opened my eyes 2 days later,

to see something I wasn't prepared for. My dad. He sat there looking at

his lap, as my mom slept on the bed beside me. I almost started crying

again. I had never gotten along to well with my dad. He and I were just

too much different. While he was an athlete, I was a nerd. He was

popular, I was a wallflower. I never expected to hear what he said.

'Tony, I know you are awake. I am sorry that I doubted you. That man is

now behind bars, and will never hurt you again. I am sorry that I am not

there too. I hurt you by not supporting you, and I am so sorry. Please

forgive me son.' I was shocked, to say the least. Here is a proud man that

I was afraid was ready to rip me apart for not being a man, apologizing to

me."

I took a deep breath and wrapped it up "After that, I began to get

therapy from a doctor that specialized in childhood rape. I can't say that

I have fully recovered, but, I hope that I have gotten back to living life

instead of wanting to die." I then asked the question

"Linda, what has been going on at home to you? I know you have been

feeling some of the same self hate and I could see in your eyes this

morning the wish of death. I don't want to hurt you; I really just don't

want to lose you. I guess I am selfish that way."

She lifted her head, stared me in the eyes, and started "My mom has been

forcing me to have sex with my dad. I was 13 when it started..."

I sat back and listened, waiting for the story to unfold. Hoping that

my friend would be ok.

After sending her mom to jail, and receiving extensive therapy, Linda

graduated from High School. I lost track of her as I joined the Army and

went to see the world. I came back to our hometown, realizing I had to

talk to her. I asked some friends about her, and they all didn't know. I

had thought that was weird but seeing as I had lost track, I couldn't blame

them. I finally tracked her down in a mall. I was sitting there, enjoying

my Orange Julius, and she walked up. She looked great, and had a new ring

on her left ring finger. I stood up, kissed her cheek and said "Damn you

look good Lynn!"

She blushed and hugged me tight. I asked how things were going and made

small talk for over 2 hours.

As she got up to leave, she said "Tony. 4 years ago, you saved my life.

I know you were still hurting and when you pulled me into the office, I was

ready to go home and slit my wrists. Thank you for keeping me alive and

for helping me to get my head and life back together." With that she left,

leaving me to my own thoughts.

**********************************************************

Traffic brought me out of my daydreaming of days gone by. I felt a tear

creeping down my cheek. I only hoped that more people were caught before

they took drastic steps, just because they felt "unpretty".