~Subject: NEW STORY: "Remembering" (CORRECTED!!)
~From: mksmith@fohnix.metronet.com (Michael Kalen Smith)

                         * * * * * * * *
                           REMEMBERING
                       by Michael K. Smith

   Do I remember? Yes, Doctor, I remember the incident very
clearly. It was on my thirteenth birthday and my brother, David,
who was nearly eighteen, told me it was time -- according to
tradition -- for me to be "initiated" as a woman. I had just
started having regular periods a few months earlier and I thought
"How neat!" I didn't know there *was* a traditional ceremony when
you started menstruating... which shows you just how naive I was.

   He told me to strip down to my underwear, and I trusted my big
brother -- I almost worshipped him, truthfully -- so I did it.
Anyway, there was never much of a nudity taboo around our house so
it wasn't any big thing.

   When I was down to my bra and panties, David had me lie across
this big leather ottoman that belongs to Dad's favorite
Chesterfield chair in the study. He held my arms down along the
legs of this thing and fastened down my wrists with lots of
adhesive tape. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. The
tape didn't hurt and I guess maybe I was expecting "birthday licks"
with a paddle or something. David was giving me this hokey evil
grin but he always was a big tease.

   Anyway, I was stretched out flat across the ottoman and it was
so large, and I was so small, the back edge came all the way to my
waist and bent me right in half. My knees barely touched the
carpet. And David had rolled up a couple of big bath towels and
tucked them under my hips crosswise so my little virgin ass stuck
up even more.

   Pardon me? Oh. No, I wasn't exactly frightened at that point.
Nervous, sure. Maybe a little apprehensive. But like I said, I was
naive. I was squirming around and warning David he'd better not
hurt me,... but I was laughing and giggling, too. It all seemed
like kind of a game until he put the tape across my mouth. I didn't
like that at all... but, of course, by then it was too late to
complain or yell.

   David moved out of my range of vision and a moment later he
peeled my panties right down to my knees. Now, *that* was
embarrassing! I was kind of afraid he was going to leave me there
like that for our parents to discover when they got home. Anyway,
I could hardly move at all. There was a long pause, and then a
stinging, open-handed slap on my butt made me jerk and squeal. I
remember thinking I was going to *get* him for that! I wouldn't
tattle on him, of course, but I'd come up with some equally
embarrassing prank to pull on him.

   He slapped me on my bare ass a few more times, waiting long
enough in between that I wasn't sure it was going to happen again
-- until it did. I just squawked from behind the tape and steadied
myself by holding on tight to the legs of the ottoman. Then he
stopped spanking me and said something like "Now, this will feel
better." And he slid a couple of fingers between my legs from
behind, stroking the edges of my pussy.

   Now, you have to understand something, Doctor: I was one of
those adolescent girls who was very, very nervous about the sexual
feelings I was beginning to have. I was embarrassed and a little
scared by the tingles I used to feel in my breasts and crotch when
I was around certain boys I knew. A couple of my friends at pajama
parties had told how they'd learned to masturbate, and how great it
felt, and even how they had jerked off boys. Frankly, I was
bewildered by the whole thing. My parents were very uptight and
would *never* talk to me about such things, so I really was
appallingly ignorant.

   So when David started touching me like that, especially because
he was behind me where I couldn't see him and I couldn't move or
talk, I was kind of frozen in shock. I didn't react or move at all.
And when he pushed one finger way up inside me, I moaned because
now I *was* frightened. But my brother said "You like that, don't
you, kid?" and put a second finger inside me and wriggled them
around. I stiffened and tried to jerk back, but I went in the wrong
direction and the movement made his fingers penetrate even deeper.
David said something like "Boy, you *are* hot for it!" And he took
his fingers out. I was too rattled even to cry.

   After a minute or so, when all I could hear was the rustle of
clothing, David moved around where I could see him. He was
completely naked. I'd seen him without clothes before, but only by
accident. And he had an enormous erection that he was slowly
stroking with one hand.

   "Since you're such a hot little thing, I'm going to fan your
flames real good," he said. That sounds terribly corny, doesn't it,
Doctor? I suppose he thought he was being romantic. But he knelt
there for a couple of minutes with his eyes half-shut, fondling his
dick two inches from my face. Then he smiled and leaned over and
kissed me on the back of the neck, and then he moved back around
behind me.

   I tried to scrunch up against the ottoman and close my thighs
together as tightly as I could, but I couldn't get any traction
with my knees against the carpet. David's hands closed firmly
around my ankles and pulled my legs back and apart. Then he moved
up really close behind my ass, his penis hot as it brushed against
my thigh and his knees keeping my own knees separated.

   I felt something that was both hard and soft rub up and down
against my cunt, dividing the lips and spreading them open. It took
a few seconds before I realized it must be his penis. That kind of
woke me out of my daze and I started thumping my forehead against
the ottoman and making groaning sounds and writhing around trying
to avoid him. But he just laughed and said "Patience, kid, we'll
get there!" I think he honestly thought I was horny as hell and
*wanted* him to fuck me. Yeah, I know -- maybe I shouldn't be so
understanding or charitable.

   

   And all of a sudden, his dick was sliding into me, bumping
against the end, moving in and out, and he was holding my hips
steady as he kept ramming it into me, and I was beginning to get
hysterical, and wanted to cry and scream and all that, but the damn
tape---

   Sorry, Doctor, sorry. I know I have to be calmer in telling
this. I can't break down now, not after all that's happened. Just
let me take a couple of deep breaths; that always helps....

   Okay. I'm okay now. Anyway, David just kept fucking me like
that, pushing hard and then even harder, and after a few minutes he
banged into me so hard it felt like he was going to poke a hole
through the end of my vagina. And he held me there rigidly and made
strange little sounds and jerked a few times as he shot off into
me. Since I was so small and the fit was so tight, a lot of his
stuff immediately leaked out and oozed down my leg. I could feel it
and I was terrified that it might be blood, but when he finally
pulled out, he checked between my legs and said something about
there being only a small spot of blood and that I'd lost my
virginity "like a pro."

   I shook my head back and forth and moaned again, trying to get
him to understand that I wanted that damn tape off my mouth, but
either he didn't understand what I wanted or he was afraid I was
going to scream my head off. Honestly, I can't remember whether I
intended to scream or not. I just wanted my mouth free.

   David moved around in front of me again and squeezed his dick to
make a little more semen ooze out. That's when I understood what
that wet feeling was on my thigh. "Did you come, kid?" he wanted to
know. I wasn't even sure what he was talking about but I shook my
head, trying not to look at the way his cock glistened with the
moisture that had been inside my cunt a moment before. It kind of
struck me that maybe I *was* a woman now, having been fucked and
all. The fact that it was my older brother who had done it didn't
seem to make much difference. But I looked up at him with the most
pleading expression I could invent.

   He seemed thoughtful and asked me if I wanted him to take the
tape off my mouth. I nodded my head so vigorously I banged my chin
and bit my tongue. He reached down and took hold of one corner of
the tape and paused. "You're not going to make a lot of noise, are
you?" I shook my head "no."

   "Because I wouldn't like that," he went on. "I'd have to tell
Mom and Dad how you made me screw you, how you talked me into it
and all." I knew he could do it, too, and they would believe him.
My brother was a very persuasive person when he wanted to be. So I
shook my head again, and raised my eyebrows, and hunched my
shoulders in a kind of submissive way. I just wanted to get rid of
that damned, choking tape! So he peeled it off slowly and smoothly,
being careful not to hurt me -- which is ironic, isn't it, now that
I think of it. David didn't want to hurt me.

   I licked my lips, which were kind of sticky, and whispered "I
won't say anything to anyone, David, I promise." He studied my face
and slowly nodded. But he didn't untape my wrists and I was afraid
to ask. Doctor, that was the first time in my life I'd ever been
afraid of my brother. It was not a nice feeling.

   David knelt beside the ottoman and his hands began wandering
over my ass and between my legs again. His fingers were poking and
exploring everywhere and,... well, he started rubbing one finger
over my clit, which felt much larger and more sensitive than it
ever had before. I don't know whether he knew what he was doing or
whether he just got lucky, but it suddenly felt like my soul was
centered in my clitoris. As he rubbed his fingertips slowly across
the head of it, I started to jerk and buck like I was being
electrocuted. And, God, how I moaned! I was completely shameless,
Doctor. I'd just been raped -- there's certainly no other word for
it -- and there I was, trying to squat down on his hand even
farther and stretching my legs as far apart as I could. David just
said "Wow"... which, I guess, meant he was impressed.

   And I found I was begging him to untie my hands, but not to stop
what he was doing, either. After maybe three or four minutes of
sexual self-torture, I had my first orgasm ever. All my leg muscles
twitched, and my butt vibrated, and my lower back kind of spasmed.
The most incredible, revelatory experience possible for a
completely inexperienced thirteen-year-old.

   Then he stopped and took his hand away and, God help me, I
wanted more! I was actually sobbing "Don't stop, don't stop!" like
a crazy person. But he had only paused to finally untape my hands.
He had to tell me several times to hold still because I was
twisting and writhing around so much. And as soon as one hand was
free, it flew straight to my crotch. Then both hands were free and
I was lying on my back on the floor, holding my labia apart with
one hand and feverishly strumming myself with the other.

   David was sitting on the ottoman while this was going on,
watching with a kind of awe as I masturbated, as if he were Aladdin
and I was the Genie. I don't remember whether he had an erection
just then or not, but pretty soon he was on the floor in front of
me, gripping my kneecaps and insisting he could help.

   What he did was to push my knees up and out so my ass was
pointing at the ceiling. Curling up my spine like that did give me
better access to my pussy, I guess, but he wasn't just being
helpful.

   Doctor, have you ever been ass-fucked? Don't look so startled:
You're the psychologist, not me. People do it all the time. I'm
told that it's sometimes frightening or at least distasteful even
to adventurous college students. But think what it would be like
for a newly de-virginized adolescent....

   Actually, David *was* being helpful, but mostly to himself. He
dipped several fingers deep into my cunt and came out with a
handful of juice, which he lathered on his cock like hand lotion.
Then he slid a finger into my upturned ass and moistened it. I
barely noticed what he was doing -- hell, I was up in the clouds
somewhere.

   But I sure as hell noticed when he got a grip on my gaping
crotch with both hands and began pushing his penis into my rectum.
The pain was almost enough to overcome the ecstatic throbbing of my
clit -- almost. As it was, I stiffened and tried to lower my legs
-- David kept a tight hold and wouldn't let me -- and I moaned and
sobbed even louder than before. It was probably a real turn-on for
someone who was into that kind of dominance thing and my brother
was turning out to be one of those people.

   He'd push in some, then withdraw a little, then grunt and push
again -- only harder. After a few minutes, he was pretty much all
the way in and he paused to catch his breath. He let go of my legs
but the fit was so tight, I was like a nut threaded onto a bolt. I
couldn't move.

   And then he began seriously fucking my ass and the real pain hit
me. He got enough lubrication going that he actually could slide in
and out quite a bit, but it still hurt. Going in, I was terrified
that he'd split me open and I'd die of it. And pulling out, it felt
like my intestines were going to be dragged inside out by his cock.

   Part of me wanted to scream, but I didn't. I cried and sobbed
and begged him to stop, but I didn't make a single sound that might
have brought outside help. Why do you suppose that was, Doctor?

   No -- I think it was something other than ordinary fear. I think
it was pretty simple, really: No matter how frightened I was, no
matter how much he was hurting me, I didn't *really* want my
brother to stop doing what he was doing. At some level, I *liked*
having my ass fucked. Well,... that's the only reason that makes
sense to me, as pathetic as it may be.

   So, anyway, there was about ten minutes of lying on my back with
my legs bouncing around in the air, watching David hovering over me
with his dick connected to my butt like they'd grown together. My
fingers were still jammed in my cunt but I wasn't masturbating very
much at that point. No concentration left, I guess. And then he
speeded up for a few seconds and came -- hard. I couldn't really
feel it. Inside, I mean. And then he kind of just knelt there
catching his breath, with his cock still stuck up my rectum.

   He finally withdrew, rather suddenly, and the relief was so
great I'm afraid I actually whimpered. I suppose David thought I
was disappointed he'd stopped. He patted me on the knee and said
something to the effect that we could fuck again later, the next
time we were alone for the afternoon, and that he could teach me
lots of other things.

   We just sat and lay there naked on the floor for a little while
and felt the sweat dry on our bodies. I stayed on my back,
actually; I was much too stiff and sore to sit up. David kept
watching me with a faint, sort of pleased-with-himself smile.

   And then I said something I couldn't believe at the time. I
still don't fully understand it. I mean, my older brother, whom I
trusted, had just raped me -- twice. Right? And what I said was,
"Thank you, David. I love you." Is that twisted or what, Doctor?
What was I thanking him for, anyway? So he patted me on the knee
again and said he loved me, too. He said it kind of offhandedly,
like he was thinking about something else. Then he said the next
time he'd use protection because he didn't want me getting pregnant
and I wasn't old enough to go on the Pill.

   I have to say, Doctor, that David kept his word. Every time he
fucked me after that, he used a condom. And about three years
later, when I was sixteen, he found a doctor who was willing to
prescribe the Pill for me, no questions asked. I'm pretty sure our
parents still thought I was a virgin at sixteen -- can you believe
that? I had ten times as much mileage on my cunt as my mother had,
I'm sure. And I had probably done a number of things, at my
brother's urging, that would have made my mother faint.

   As I'm sure you've figured out by now, David and I kept having
sex -- usually at least once a week, sometimes every night for
several weeks, depending on the circumstances. And by the end of
the first year, I was a more or less willing co-conspirator. Maybe
I became addicted, I don't know. I *do* know that there were days
when my school classes passed in a feverish haze and all I could
think about was screwing with David.

   What's odd is that this constant horniness didn't include other
boys, whether my own age or older. I didn't walk down the street
staring at strange men and wondering what it would be like to fuck
them. David never told me I *couldn't* have sex with other guys --
maybe it never occurred to him -- but he was the only partner I
ever considered.

   We kept experimenting, too, Doctor. By my fourteenth birthday,
I was a pretty accomplished cocksucker. I could milk my brother for
an hour or more, building him up to a high pitch, then backing off
just enough to prolong things. And when he finally did come, it was
nearly always in my mouth. It never occurred to me not to swallow,
either. I guess I became pretty avid about sex.

   You know, from what I've read about situations like mine, the
victim -- if that's really what I am -- has fits of depression and
withdraws from outside contacts, and school grades go down, and
there are all these other symptomatic side effects. Well, that
didn't seem to happen to me. My grades were already good and they
only got better. I had plenty of girlfriends and none of them
suspected a thing. When my friends got giggly about boys and sex,
though, I just kept my mouth shut and listened.

   That's why it bothers me, sort of, that things turned out the
way they did. I guess I thought I had adjusted to my physical
relationship with my brother. It was all certainly a surprise to
him.

   

   What do you mean, "What happened?" Doctor, you know perfectly
well what happened. Okay, I suppose you want to hear it again.

   It was four years and two days after the whole thing began --
two days after my seventeenth birthday. I was considered a pretty
hot date by that time and I was always popular, but I never screwed
anyone but my brother. Of course, I knew the whole thing was
abnormal but I had accepted it for so long, I no longer thought
about it much. I guess, in a strange sort of way, I was pretty well
adjusted.

   David had always dated a lot of girls but that didn't bother me
either, even though I knew -- when I bothered to consider it --
that he was having sex with some of them as well. But that day just
after my birthday, David came home from school with an
announcement. He was going to a local college and he'd gotten
involved with this girl in one of his classes ... and the
announcement was that he was in love with her and he had proposed
to her and she had accepted.

   He was so happy about it, and our folks seemed happy, and they
expected me to be happy, too. But I was kind of in shock. It took
me a little while to realize that David would be moving out of the
house, away from me, to be with another woman all the time. It
meant we probably wouldn't have sex anymore, or only once in a
while at best.

   Doctor, I went straight from shock to panic. I had to stop it
all from happening but I thought about it for two weeks and I
couldn't come up with a feasible solution. I had managed not to be
home the two or three times David had brought this new girl over to
the house. I just couldn't deal with having to meet her
face-to-face.

   Then there came an evening when I returned home from a
girlfriend's house and found my brother alone with this girl he
liked so much. My girlfriend lived nearby so I had walked and no
one had heard me come in the back door. I heard strange but
familiar sounds in the living room and stuck my head around the
corner to see what it was. David and the girl were fucking on the
big corduroy couch.

   I knew intellectually what they'd been doing... but actually
seeing it was completely different. They both were naked and they
both seemed to have their eyes closed, so they didn't know I was
there, but I could see everything, Doctor. I could see my brother's
cock moving in and out of her like a piston. She had one leg up on
the back of the couch and the other sprawled on the floor and her
arms were flung up over her heard and her breasts were jiggling and
she was making little sort of mewing noises--

   Yes, I know -- I'm doing it again, aren't I? But he was the one
who had started it all and here he was, betraying me in our own
living room! And that's why I did it. I know you think I hated my
brother, Doctor, but I didn't really. I hated that girl for coming
between us.

   That's why, when they were finished and David collapsed on top
of her and then kissed her, I was shaking so hard I had to go back
to the kitchen. I was just pacing back and forth, trying not to
think about what I'd seen, trying to think of some way to stop it
before it was too late... and the best thing I could think of,
Doctor, was that if David had never met that girl, he wouldn't be
leaving me. Next best was if the girl left *him*, now, quickly.
Third was if I made her leave.

   My mother was a good cook, Doctor, and she believed in keeping
pots clean and knives sharp. In the rack on the counter was a
boning knife that had always fascinated me. It was long-bladed and
narrow and it seemed more like a weapon than anything else I could
find, even the big cleaver.

   I took the boning knife back to the doorway and looked around
the corner again. The girl was still sprawled across the couch with
her legs wide apart and her arms folded behind her head. I could
almost smell her aroma. My brother was sitting beside her on the
couch, talking quietly and stroking her thigh, and she was smiling
at him.

   Then he got up and headed down the hall toward the bathroom,
still naked. She turned her head to one side -- the side facing
away from me -- and closed her eyes. She was still smiling.

   I moved quietly along the living room wall until I was standing
right beside the arm of the couch. The girl never heard a sound
until I cleared my throat and then her eyes snapped open. She
stared back at me upside-down with her mouth open and I stared down
at her breasts. They were a lot bigger than mine; maybe that was
why David like her better.

   Keeping my voice as steady as I could, I said "You have to
leave. He's my brother and he's staying here with me. Go away."

   She didn't move for a second, out of startlement, I suppose.
Then she blinked and said "Who the fuck are you?!" And suddenly she
closed her legs and drew her knees up and got a panicky look in her
eyes.

   "David...?!" Her voice was going up the scale and rising in
volume. I heard the toilet flush in the background and I knew I had
no choice. There was no more time.

   She still had her head back, looking up at me, as I raised the
boning knife from my side and drove it down into her left eye.

   It was pretty messy, actually. The whatchamacallit-fluid in her
eye squirted out with a big gush of blood behind it and then the
knife scraped against the bone around her eye. She got out a
half-shriek and jerked once before she lay still. From the length
of the knife still protruding, I thought probably four or five
inches of the blade had gone straight into her brain, so it must
have been relatively painless. And when I wrenched the knife loose,
bits of brain and stuff came with it, and more blood.

   Why do you look so uncomfortable, Doctor? Isn't this what you'd
call a "clinical" description? I'm just trying to be factual, you
see.

   Well, my brother ran back into the room -- I guess he'd heard
that sound she'd made -- and he nearly ran into the coffee table
when he saw his ex-girlfriend. Everything had worked out so well,
I couldn't help smiling. And I said "You don't have to leave now,
David. I've taken care of it for you." But her looked at the girl
and then he stared at me, and,... God, he was so pale and his eyes
were so huge.

   And I knew at that moment, with perfect clarity, that he was
going to leave anyway, Doctor. I'd done what had to be done, I'd
removed the barrier between us, but he didn't seem to appreciate
that. He was going to desert me no matter what I did.

   I'm afraid I lost control of myself a little bit, Doctor -- but
I was justifiably angry so I don't think it was entirely my fault.
He didn't take his eyes off me as I stepped over to him, raised the
boning knife again, and brought it down where his neck joined his
shoulder. I didn't actually aim for that spot but the blade slid
all the way down behind his clavicle until only the handle showed.

   My brother fell to his knees and whispered "No..." and then
toppled over sideways.

   "That's right," I replied. "You're staying here. I knew you
would all along." He did, too, Doctor. He didn't go anyplace, not
ever again.

   I guess our parents got home later that night. I don't remember
much about it, except that I was sitting naked on the hassock in
the study where it all began. I was waiting for David to come and
tie me down, like he did that first time. I was sure he'd come, now
that the girl was gone, but he never did. Only some police and
people like that.

   

   And that's about all I remember, Doctor, until I came here. I've
been here a long time now, and it's pretty dull, and I really don't
think it's fair. My brother is out there waiting for me; I'm sure
he is. Why won't you just let us be together, Doctor?

   Doctor...?

   

                                     END

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 1994 by Michael K. Smith. Copies may be made and posted
elsewhere for personal enjoyment, but all commercial rights are
reserved. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 