Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading
convenience and was not physically modified from its original format.
Celestial Reviews 356 February 14, 2000 {Special Issue}
Note: My faithful helper Techguy has not yet sent me the Links for CR
355. But since today is Valentine's Day, I decided to repost all the
Valentine's Day reviews that I have posted. So don't get confused over the
fact the CR 356 might appear before CR 355.
The Links, when they exist, may be old. Otherwise, you're on your own.
If I took the time to find the Links or to ask someone to help me,
Valentine's Day would be long in the past by the time I put this special
topical issue together.
Also keep in mind that these are OLD reviews sometimes referring to
events or issues that are no longer current. Nevertheless, I think they
may help you find some good stories.
Happy Valentine's Day!!
==================== Recently Posted Stories: ====================
"The Folly of Eros " by Souvie (sexual magic). 10, 8, 8
"Valentine's Day" by Hecate (town orgy) 7, 5, 4
==================== Reposted Reviews: ====================
"Valentine Delight" by Sympathy Brooks {sex with farmer's
sexy daughter} 5, 4, 4 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444540695
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54 {Valentine's Day romantic
surprise} 9, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444883878
"Valentine's Day Story" by Suki {sexual chain of events}
8, 6, 6 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=442362465
"Happy Valentine Slave" by MC Writer {adolescent sex}
9, 7, 7 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=443222304
"Another Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" by TcklCurius
{sexual titillation} 10, 8 ,7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444452156
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54 {poignant romance}
Fiddler: 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444883878
"Valentine " by Uther Pendragon (firtst times) 10, 10, 10
http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=326804400
"St. Valentine's Day! 'Oh, I would like to fall in love so much!'"
by Milos Bogdanovic (holy harangue) 7, 5, 3
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (bdsm) 10, 5, 4
"Valentine's Surprise" by Dulcinea (romance) 10, 10, 10
"Valentine's Day" by TextTrdr (exhibitionism & threeway)
8, 8, 8
==================== Here are the Reviews: ====================
"The Folly of Eros" by Souvie (souvien22@yahoo.com).
Valentine Rae Sanderson is 26 years old and works for the school board.
In matters of love she is a coldhearted cynic. She also has a bad cold,
which has left her home alone, while her roommate has gone out for a hot
date on Valentine's Day. So a mysterious guy who is really the Greek god
Anteros pops out of the television set and sets things straight, so to
speak.
Eros is the Greek counterpart to the Roman god Cupid. Aphrodite was
concerned that her young son seemed to have stopped growing. Finding that
only a brother would cure the trouble, she arranged for Eros to have a
brother named Anteros, who symbolized reciprocated love who punished those
who scorn love or do not return the love of others. This is the deity who
pops out of the TV set in this story.
You can never tell when your knowledge of Greek mythology might come in
handy. Just the other night, you could have become rich On "Who Wants to
Be a Millionaire?" by knowing how many labors Hercules had to endure .
Ratings for "The Folly of Eros" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus
(plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Valentine's Day" by Hecate (hecate1@bigfoot.com).
Some cities have unusual names. My children were dismayed one day when
they discovered the inscription on the back of a photograph that it was a
picture of me "In the Midst of Intercourse." When they turned the photo
over, they found a picture of me standing in front of the town hall of
Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Huge numbers of American teenagers have had
their picture taken in the Midst of Intercourse.
It turns out that the people of Valentine, Texas, go kind of hog-wild
each year on February 14. The basic idea (without ruining the story for
you) is that Danny sort of gets selected to be the virgin offered up in
sacrifice for the festivities.
I really wasn't all that impressed with this story. I expected a lot
more than a simple chronology of "neat things" that could happen to a guy
as part of a Valentine's Day orgy.
Ratings for "Valentine's Day" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot
& character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
==================== Reposted Reviews: ====================
"Valentine Delight" by Sympathy Brooks (sympathy@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444540695
I'm a glutton for seasonal stories. So when I several three stories
with the word "Valentine" in the title, I decided to review all of them.
These are late for Valentine's Day {Feb 14}, but they are in time for
Chinese Valentine's Day {Feb 23}.
This first story is about a guy named Valentine. I never heard of a guy
named Valentine. However, I understand that Johnny Cash once wrote a song
called "A Boy Named Valentine," but somebody at Folsom Prison talked him
into changing the title to "A Boy Named Sue."
"Hello stranger, what can I do for you?"
That's the best part of the story. Val's car broke down in the middle
of nowhere. He looks for help and has sex with the farmer's daughter,
whose name is Symp, which is short for Sympathy.
This is not exactly one of those stories you would like to share with a
loved one on Valentine's Day. Buy her a box of chocolate candy instead.
Ratings for "Valentine Delight" Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus
(plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54 (prufrock54@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444883878
Our Hero has decided to give his lover her wish for Valentine's Day: a
simultaneous orgasm. She's in the mood, since she greeted him at the door
when he returned from work, wearing nothing but an apron with the words
"FUCK THE COOK" written on it.
{I dangled my participle in that last sentence, just to give you a
chance to warm up your grammatical instincts. I find that grammar rules
are good for promoting simultaneous orgasms. If I'm ahead of my husband, I
can just think about intransitive verbs, and he catches up with me in no
time. Kinda like the hare in Zeno's first paradox.}
She has decided to put some spice back into their sex life. She offers
him a choice between rosemary and thyme." He decides on some time with
Rosemary." Rosemary must be her name.
At this point, I started to become confused. While the guy was fucking
his wife on Valentine's Day, he was obviously watching a tape about him and
his wife fucking on the previous Valentine's Day. But the timing was
screwed up. I had trouble telling which day was which. Heck, I thought,
maybe he'll come simultaneously with her while they watch themselves come
simultaneously on the screen. With any luck, I might come with them!
However, as I continued reading and arrived at the final few paragraphs, I
realized the author had imposed the confusion on me intentionally.
I'll admit it. The author caught with a surprise ending. I would add
that the ending is poignant, but that might run the risk of ruining it for
you by letting you anticipate the climax, so to speak.
It's a good story. I think the timing could be refined a little and the
imagery could be a little richer. But it's a good story.
Ratings for "Valentine's Wish" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot
& character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Valentine's Day Story" by Suki (suki@fish.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=442362465
The author purports to be telling a "true story." A lot of people lie
when they say that, but this one has the ring of authenticity. However,
I'm not sure that's good. The previous story {"Valentine Wish" by
Prufrock54} was a short story that built to a climax . This one is too
much a narration of "true" events. She dresses up; he ties her up; they
perform bondage rituals, etc. The apparent truthfulness gives the story a
certain charm, but I couldn't help wishing that the author would have taken
the time to develop this into an actual story.
Ratings for "Valentine's Day Story" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus
(plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Happy Valentine Slave" by MC Writer (mc_writer@hotmail.com.)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=443222304
Clarence is one of those fairies who help Cupid out when he gets
overworked around Valentine's Day. His first job is to get Sandra Collins
(a snobbish cheerleader) into the sack with a plain 16-year-old boy named
Timothy Randall of whose existence Sandra is initially unaware. Well,
Clarence drills Sandra with an arrow, and then Sandra essentially rapes
Timothy in the girls' locker room to the delight of the voyeurs from the
girls' volleyball team. Sandra's insensitivity turns Timothy off.
Clarence gets a little tipsy from drinking earth beer, with which he is
unfamiliar, and he keeps shooting arrows into Sandra, who becomes Timothy's
sex slave, which makes them both really happy. It's apparently easy to
ignore a snobbish cheerleader's insensitivity when she becomes your sex
slave. To top it off, Clarence gets the barmaid to go for the bartender.
Everybody's happy, and all's well that ends well.
The plot comes across as a adolescent adventure, with one event piled on
top of another. But then, this story is SUPPOSED to be an adolescent
adventure. If you like stories that fit the description outlined in my
summary, you'll probably like this one. If you need more authentic plot
development, you may want to look elsewhere.
Ratings for "Happy Valentine Slave" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus
(plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Another Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" by TcklCurius
(TcklCurius@aol.com>). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444452156
For those readers who live in Europe or Borneo, it might be helpful to
point out that the label "Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" was first applied
by the press to the events that transpired on February 14, 1929, when Al
Capone the most famous of American gangsters arranged for several
members of an opp osing gang to make an immediate departure from the Vale
of Tears known as human existence. The picturesque term has also been
applied metaphorically to many other events that have occurred on
subsequent February 14's. For example, should the lads from Columbia
defeat the Harvard basketball team by more than three points on February
14, the Harvard newspaper would almost certainly refer to this as a Saint
Valentine's Day Massacre.
In this story, nobody actually dies. It's a metaphor a hyperbole, to
be more exact. The victim of this slaughter has been cyberspacially
unfaithful to his lover, whose gender is not actually disclosed to us until
the end of the story. In revenge, the lover inflicts on him a circus of
sensuous people who tantalize, tickle, grope, and generally drive him out
of his mind. Bugsy Moran's guys would have been glad to have gotten off so
easily .
The descriptions are vivid. Although the story wasn't really a turn-on
to me, it certainly did hold my attention.
Ratings for "Another Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" Athena (technical
quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year99/19967.txt Review by Fiddler
On a Valentine's day during a period when he bad been going through hell
at work, his wife had seduced him into a kitchen tryst. Then she had
expressed the wish that they might have simultaneous orgasms. A year later
he (sort of) fulfills her wish.
This story seems to proceed spasmodically. There is a reason.
This is a very good story from a relatively new author. Read it.
Ratings for "Valentine Wish" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot
& character): 10 Fiddler (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Locksmiths" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
Set in the context of Valentine's day, this story can most simply be
described as a description of several firsts - her first time, his first
time, their first time with each other - plus a few other first times. As
I have come to expect from this author, the story is both sensitive and
sexy - again demonstrating that normal, moral people with consciences can
actually have happy, romantic sex lives. The preceding statement is
ironic, but you'll have to read the story to find out why.
The author tries an interesting technique. During important sexual
scenes, he views the action and emotions from the perspective of both
participants. He accomplishes this by arranging the story at those points
in two columns: one showing HIS perspective and the other HERS. This would
work a lot better if the story were disseminated in a word-processor format
(like Microsoft Word) that permitted the use of columns or tables. As it
is, the text comes jumbled (with a half-line of each perspective on each
text line), so that it is difficult to read these important portions of the
story. I got around this problem by inserting tab keys at appropriate
places. The result was a slightly jagged left margin for the right column
(since I didn't put tabs in every line), but I was easily able to read both
columns correctly. It seems likely that there is a better solution -
perhaps knowing what font and size type the author used would enable
readers to set their screen to the same size and font.
The irony in this story is that the teenage daughter feels oppressed by
her "unromantic" parents, who seem intent on only one thing: preventing her
from having any fun, especially fun that involves sex. In reality, the
parents are aware of the daughter's emerging sexuality: in fact, they have
"been there" themselves. Like many parents, they simply want their
daughter eventually to have a happy rather than an exploited sex life when
she is eventually ready for it.
Overall, this is one of the best stories by an author who writes a lot
of very good stories. I know I say that often, but I think it's true every
time I say it.
Ratings for "Locksmiths" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot &
character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Valentine Jill" by Brother Cadfael (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com).
Guest review by Mark Aster.
OK, so here I am sitting by the fire with the cat, women and children
all tucked into beds, thinking deep literary thoughts about erotica. How
much does the writing-stuff, the stuff about grammar and composition and
narrative logic and flow, matter. Compared, say, to the sex and romance?
"Valentine Jill", by Brother Cadfael, is a well-conceived soft and
romantic story of two people who have been friends but never met, finally
getting together and finding that their distant love catches afire quite
nicely in proximity, and they make love. The sex is pretty hot, but
tenderly and emotionally described.
On the other hand, I have qualms about the literary stuff. I'd like
this to be a first draft. There are "it's"s that should be "its", and a
"lightening" that should be "lightning". There is a corset that she's
apparently wearing OVER her dress, if the order of shedding is to be
believed (aren't corsets obsolete UNDERclothing? Perhaps I'm just out of
touch). There's the unexplained fact that they've been carrying out a
courtship with the phone and letters, and never met in person (how do you
meet someone on the phone? I need an explanation there), but he knows that
her skin is soft (has she sent him photos in which it just looks soft?).
He checks into a hotel and goes to sleep, and she shows up less than an
hour later. If he was expecting her, why did he go to sleep? If he wasn't
expecting her, why wasn't he at all surprised when she showed up?
I could go on a bit (and I probably will). The basic idea seems to be
to build up tension by having them initially a bit shy or virginal with
each other, but in fact what happens is they kiss a little, she undoes his
pants, they fall onto the bed, she spreads her legs, they fuck. Then some
light B&D. But all described in a very tender and emotional way that
doesn't quite fit the action that's occurring. And some sentences need
work; I will be cruel and single out "Her lips quickly shed the soft white
clothing of a delicate virgin and took to his mouth with an urgency" and
"He threw another thorn at the prospect of his feelings and banished them
for availing themselves so soon." Both are too showy and complex; nearly
incomprehensible.
But it's basically a good story. Simplify the sentences, decide how
slow and romantic the sex and the wording should be and make them agree,
get the hyphen out of "make-love" and decapitalize "Vanilla", think about
corsets and hotels, and I'd like the result a lot.
So what numbers should I give this? I hate numbers. I hope these do
not offend anyone! If the author wants vengeance, he can ask me for a
personal and detailed line-by-line critique, as though we were in a
Writer's Circle, and I will provide it upon request...
Athena: 7 (typos, inconsistencies, odd usages) Venus: 8 (potentially
strong plot and character, needs cleaning up) Mark: 7 (I was, cat
notwithstanding, too distracted by the literary
stuff)
"St. Valentine's Day! 'Oh, I would like to fall in love so much!' " by
Milos Bogdanovic (milos@net.yu).
I originally read this "story" on Valentine's Day, expecting a romance
of some sort. What I found instead is an essay that seems to be denouncing
the underlying value system displayed on the a.s.s. newsgroup.
What's refreshing about this story is that it demonstrates that at least
some of the people who object to us a perverts write every bit as badly as
some of the very worst writers who post stories on this newsgroup.
I suspect that what we have here is a leftover essay from a religion
class. "I wrote the damned thing, and so I might as well gain Merit in
heaven by posting it where these perverts can see it. Praise the Lord!"
The author gives us a diatribe against "selfish love." But he shows no
awareness that eroticism and pleasure have a natural appeal to human beings
or that fantasies differ from reality. He presents a very stilted
description of "true love," making it sound like the sort of thing that
ugly, old people might decide to do when they can't find any adventure in
their lives. And he manages to do all this without any cohesiveness to his
arguments.
Anyway, this "story" is not worth reading - whether you're looking for a
sex story or for a reasonable discussion of human sexuality. However, on
the brighter side, this story gives me the opportunity to tell you this
story:
Three couples (an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young
newlywed couple) wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having
sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two
weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at
all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor asked the middle-aged couple, "Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too
bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights;
but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor. The pastor then asked the newlywed couple, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What
happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on
the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand,
of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the
pastor. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Safeway
anymore either."
Ratings for "St. Valentine's Day!" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus
(plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (duchamp101@aol.com).
I figured I should review this before February 14, since its title
suggests that this story is thematically appropriate for Valentine's Day.
If your lover is turned on by the notion of being mildly tortured for your
amusement, then email her this story for Valentine's Day. It contains very
short, unrelated vignettes that describe relatively mild bondage. Common
sense tells me that these activities are perversions, but my deeper
knowledge derived from reading bondage stories tells me that some women
actually like this sort of thing.
For my part, I'll settle for a greeting card, a quiet evening by the
fireside, or a good massage with nicely warmed oil that my lover will clean
off of me even more nicely than he applies it to my body.
Ratings for "For Valentine's Day" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus
(plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Valentine's Surprise" by Dulcinea (imdulcinea@aol.com).
The woman has been instructed by her husband to dress nicely and to be
ready for a romantic date on Valentine's Day. She complies. A limousine
arrives at about the appointed time and drives her - back to her house,
into which her husband has sneaked and set up a summer picnic in February.
It's very romantic - and very sexy.
Ratings for "Valentine's Surprise" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus
(plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Valentine's Day" by TextTrdr (TextTrdr@aol.com).
It's Valentine's Day and Lori is depressed. Her boyfriend takes her out
for a fine dinner, and she starts eyeing the waiter. The waiter
reciprocates. Her boyfriend says he has had too much to drink, and so the
waiter takes them home. She models some lingerie for the kindly waiter,
and soon they have some very hot threeway sex.
The sex is very hot, but the story into which it has been inserted has
some flaws. For example, the leading lady mentions in the first few lines
that she "may not be able to get a sitter." Then the story proceeds with no
mention of why she would need a sitter. Why mention the sitter it all? It
seems to me that the author had an idea and then changed her mind and
forgot to delete the reference. Here's another example: Lori had mentioned
that she was hot for a particular waiter. When we see the couple in the
restaurant, the waiter introduces himself as a stranger. We do not find
out until the end of the story that this man was the target of Lori's
original lust. I see no reason for this delay.
In addition, the story has several grammatical flaws. For example, the
author frequently changes verb tenses for no apparent reason. This is not
really a huge deal; but why not make the grammar logically consistent? The
inconsistency is a bit annoying, and there's no reason to irritate the
reader.
Then there are a few cases of using the wrong word: "Lori discretely
checks out the body in the black slacks." This means that Lori examined the
body in separate segments. This is a possibility, but I think the author
meant to say "discreetly."
In spite of these flaws, this is a very hot story. It contains one of
the few threeway sequences I have seen where the guys get it on a little
with each other. That was a turn-on to me, but it may be a turn-off to
macho male readers. However, male-to-male contact is not a major part of
the story; you super-studs will still enjoy the plot.
The story was listed as "Valentine's Day" in the postings, but the title
at the top of the story was "The Valentine Present." A lot of authors
follow this mistaken practice of using two different titles. I really do
think that as a courtesy to readers (and reviewers!) the authors should use
a single title.
Ratings for "Valentine's Day" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot
& character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
-- Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all
rights reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-+ | alt.sex.stories.moderated ----- send stories to: | | FAQ: Moderator: |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-+ |Archive: Hosted by Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository | |, an entity
supported entirely by donations. |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-+