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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review 015 Abstinence by Jason Kelly
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Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 03:10:02 -0500
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Review Abstinence by Jason Kelly


Storyline

<Brief outline only>

A teen couple feel the desire for full sex, but pull back from
the brink and settle for their own separate pleasures.


Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

I like the fact that they choose to avoid full on sex, it's
refreshing to see someone write about masturbation as an outlet
for desire. The feeling of euphoria at the discovery of 'shared'
experiences is nicely caught, and stirs the memory banks. The
author has also shied away from the 'obligatory' large breasted
heroine. This is appreciated at two levels by the reviewer, level
one the novelty of having a small breasted but generously nippled
heroine, level two - well that's my business :-)

The wonder each expresses at the body of the other seems nicely
genuine.


Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Pet hate surfaces here. Why are the couple nameless, stuck as
they are in an unknown house somewhere in the world. The house
that is the home of an equally anonymous family. How am I
supposed to care about these generic teenagers? Please at least
name them. If a sequel is written I want to know it's them! Pet
hate ends.

Some of the narrative is written in a stilted style, more like
notes than narrative. This makes some passages hard to decipher
in one read.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20

<13>

Threadbare on the details, this maybe deliberate (?) but it robs
the story of 'placement'; I could be anywhere, with any couple at
any time. The sexual environment is much richer and accounts for
the score.



Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20

<15>

The story moves along well, evolves beyond what the characters
anticipated and closes out effectively. A nice glimpse of a
'snatched' moment.



Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out of
20

<16>

The newness of the sexual experience is handled very well. This
is erotic in a fumbling, excited way that suits the subject. A
strength in this story.



Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<11>

This extract demonstrates two areas I have concern over:

<He sat down at the other end of the bed, his eyes glued to her
vulva, and started slowly stroking himself.  Watching him sent a
jolt of intense desire through her, concentrated in her clitoris.
She let out a gasp and pulled her hand away, hoping she'd done so
soon enough.  She hadn't.

Her next gasp was cut short as her orgasm seemed to explode in
her pelvis and radiate up to her head.  Her thighs and stomach
contracted along with each contraction within her vagina.>

In the first paragraph, his eyes are attached to her sexual
organs; this is a minor gripe, and sounds just like my editors
talking to me. The reader will probably read through this without
noticing (damn I'm catching grammatical criticism...)so no points
lost. But the rest of it seems to me to have words missing. The
last two sentences threw me, I had to read it several times
before I realised she was trying to avoid climax. Part of that is
the other problem I see, the paragraph break confuses it further,
without it I would probably have read through and caught the
authors drift.

Making the reader stop and work things out detaches them from the
story, the last thing we as writers want.


Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?>
Marks out of 20

<14>

Yes this isn't at all a bad story, but I hate the anonymity of it
all; it so dilutes the characterisation. The author has a nice,
non stroke, approach to writing erotica. This story shows a lot
of promise, and on the whole even with my carping I liked it.



Total score

69 Yotties out of 100. <An average score would therefore be 50>

Readability guide     00-20 must try harder.
                            20-40 needs development
                            40-60 readable
                            60-80 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)

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-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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