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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review 013 House to Home by ? the platypus.
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Date: Sun, 19 Feb 2006 16:10:03 -0500
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Review House to Home by ? the platypus.


Storyline

<Brief outline only>

Red and Lilli find themselves with the house to themselves.
With Red's parents away the girl's have a chance to relax
and make the house their home.


Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

The contrast between the parents 'excursion' into unknown
places to explore their love, as opposed to the opportunity
it gives the girl's to explore their own in the family home is
clever. The warmth Red revels in just in being in a
'normal' family is well observed, as in a few words is the
desperation of her past.

< "Heh,  I'll start on dinner"

Lill tensed slightly as Red reached for a knife.  Red noted the
reaction.

    "You don't have to worry, I've got you, Mum, Dad and a
wonderful home to live in now.  I'm not going to do that
again."

Lill sighed,

   "I know just reflex I guess, I don't ever want to loose you.">



Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

I sometimes lost the thread, at one point it seems they are
watching anime on a DVD, and then this interchange
happens.

< "Do you think they are?"

       "You think that every female pair on almost every show
are."

       "That's because most of them are."

       "They do seem to be a cute couple."

       "I know another couple who are cute together."

       "Oh?"

Lill pounced Red playfully pushing her against the cushions

       "Us, neutronium for brains">

Now it sounds as if they are watching a TV show with real
people, not an anime cartoon. This confused me and pulled me
out of the story.

Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20

<16>

A strength, we can feel the 'homeliness' around them, the
security both they and Lilli's parents have in their love.
There is a nice realisation of sex as a thing you work at in
marriage.

Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20

<13>

Here as suggested I had a few problems, the DVD (or was it a
video? Both are referred to) that became a TV program.
Also there is a line that stopped me for a second>

<Red prepared the meat,

   "Don't worry your not going to loose me, your worth too much
to me for me to hurt you.">

As this came just after the bit with the knife I was
momentarily thrown, had Red hurt herself or Lilli in the past. I
soon got it Red would not harm herself, as it would hurt Lilli,
but there is enough ambiguity to momentarily mislead.
Once again it pulls you out of the text.


Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of  20

<16>

Well the story is suffused with sex. When it physically happens
the description lacks in explicitness, but actually
benefits from this as the relaxed lovemaking of the girl's is
fitting to the story. I like the simplicity of some of
the sentences.

<The girls loved every aspect of there lover and they made love
to every part of her.>

Isn't that simple? Does it not, however, say a lot (learn this
Yotna!)


Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<14>

In the sentence quoted above we can see the impact of the
authors agraphia. The subtleties of language when words
sound the same but have different meanings are a constant
hassle for those with this condition. There is more than one
example, but given the bravery of the writer in posting work
when they have this condition it is easily forgiven. The
spelling is improved from the last story I reviewed.

Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20

<14>

I like the style of this story, it easy acceptance of a young
same sex couple, and the impression it gives that the
parents would approve as it is a loving relationship. This is a
hopeful story, a warm one, just maybe we do all have a
place to be ourselves - we just have to find it. I would like
to know more about the absent parents - they interest
me.

Total score

73 Yotties out of 100.

Readability guide     00-20 must try harder.
                            20-40 needs development
                            40-60 readable
                            60-80 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)

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-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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