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 Copyright 2004 Rachael Ross all right reserved.  Intended for adults only.
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No animals were harmed in the making of this document.
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   Big Lies, Little Girls by Rachael
   The biggest lie I ever heard was "This is gonna hurt me more than it
will hurt you." 
   I don't know how old I was when I heard that the first time, but I heard
it a lot.  My Daddy used a belt to teach me what was right and what was
wrong.  He didn't talk very much and he didn't hug a lot either.  He would
come home and tell me "Rache, get my belt." At first I tried to hide in all
the places a 5 year old might think were pretty good.  Like under the bed
or in the closet.  But he always found me.  So I learned to do what he
said. I told my Grandma once, when I was about 7, that Daddy hurt me with
his belt.  I don't know what Grandma said to Daddy but it wasn't very good
because he taught me that night what hurting was.  I wasn't hurt before,
I'd lied to Grandma and that made it even worse.  But I learned not to
tell, I became real good at not telling anybody anything.
   When I was about 9 I think I figured out that Daddy liked hitting me. 
Not just with the belt, but all kinds of ways.  Slapping, punching,
kicking. Sometimes I wouldn't cry and this scared him, he didn't understand
and he'd do something to me until I would.  But mostly I didn't need to
cry, I just did it cause I knew he'd like it.  Daddy liked to show me his
penis sometimes when he was spanking me with his belt.  He always made sure
I was bare-bottomed and he'd hold me on his lap while he did it.  He did it
in his underwear a lot and I could feel him getting hard against me when he
was hitting me.  I tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn't there.
   Daddy started taking his underwear off when he spanked me and I remember
the first time I saw his penis really close and hard was when he was
pulling me over his knees.  He told me it would hurt him worse than me and
I felt his hot hard penis trapped against my 10 year old tummy while he
cracked his belt over and over again on my bare butt.  I didn't know what
an orgasm was until then.  Daddy came sometime after 30 strokes.  I lost
count because it really hurt that first time when he was naked.  He was
breathing hard and some of his spit was landing on my back and I could feel
how sweaty he was through the pain.  I felt his sperm when he ejaculated
covering my skin.  First it was hot and then it got cold when it cooled. 
Daddy held me there for awhile and I couldn't get up. 
   Lots of times Daddy had to carry me to bed because I wasn't strong
enough for him.  This time it was like he came out of a dream.  He didn't
know or care that he'd been using the buckle end on me that time.  I felt
him using my panties to wipe some of the blood away and see if I'd really
been cut bad or not.  I just laid there waiting for him to take me to our
room so I could sleep.  I was so tired.
   We had only one bedroom and a kitchen and a bathroom.  I was home
schooled which means I watched sesame street and ate cereal every day. 
People think my Daddy must have raped me or touched me or something really
bad, but he didn't.  Not like that; not what most people think.  I had my
first orgasm when I was 12 I didn't know what it was.  It had nothing to do
with my vagina or clitoris or anything like that.  I was cooking some
beeni-weeni casserole for my Dad and I burned it.  Daddy held my hand on
the bottom of the pot.  I remember it was very hot, glowing white like the
sun hot and I was so afraid.  More than anything in my life.  It was the
last time I remember anything ever frightened me.  At all.  I was begging
Daddy to spank me, but he wouldn't.  He was smiling, telling me it would
hurt him more than it would me,
   My palm was on fire and I was trying to get away but I couldn't.  Daddy
told me to be still or he would put my hand on the stove and really hurt
me. But I couldn't stop trying to get away.  Daddy held my hand and I
thought I was melting first and then, a door opened and it wasn't hot
anymore.  I pushed with my hand and it didn't hurt at all.  Daddy let go of
me and just stood there with the pot in his hand.  There was total calm
like I only ever thought there might be.  Like it was hinted at sometimes
during the worst beatings, but never quite there.  The all of a sudden my
body felt like the fire was inside and I couldn't breath and my legs
wouldn't keep me up.  I felt like a whole avalanche of cotton candy was
melting in my tummy and I thought I was peeing my panties but it wasn't
pee. I was having my first orgasm and it was the best one by far.
   end
   Seattle, 12 March, 1999 
  
Big Lies