THE COMEDYZINE WEEKLY
December 7, 1996
How To Avoid Being Trampled To Death
We strongly recommend you avoid these places, but if you must go follow
these safety tips.
Rock Concerts
(1) Don't do drugs. Of all the rock concert stampede victims autopsied,
79% had traces of one or more drugs.
(2) Don't go with anyone on drugs. Trying to save yourself and an impaired
person will dramatically increase your chances of being trampled.
(3) Don't go see groups that do drugs. This can easily lead to a poor
performance, triggering crowd dissatisfaction and ultimately a stampede and riot.
Flammable Night Spots
(1) Bring rope. Hoisting yourself to an elevated exit can sometimes be
the difference between life and death during a blaze.
(2) Bring an exit sign with adhesive backing. When you enter the
establishment, place it at a spot where there is no exit. In case of a flash fire, the
real exit won't be that crowded.
(3) If the place serves alcohol, drink alcohol. Trying to escape in a
deadly inferno sober when everyone else has been drinking is a recipe for disaster.
European/South American Football Games
(1) Stay on your feet. You can still get pressed like a wafer against a
standing structure during a panic, but studies have shown once someone hits the ground,
serious injury is unavoidable.
(2) Carry an important or official looking card or badge.Surprisingly,
even in a highly charged riot situation, people will attempt to shield authority figures
from danger.
(3) Dress soft. Packed like a sardine among thousands of people, belt
buckles and gold chains will soon become medieval torture devices.