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Child Brides of India
By: C. Stanton Leman
Chapter 71: Dante's Inferno (Mgg, rom, cons, no sex)
I woke as Priya sat on the bed, the clock read
six-thirty
and Faatina was still fast asleep on her stomach where I'd
left her last night. I sat up and looked at the tiny one
next to me and Priya asked, "How was she last night? Did
she give you any trouble?"
"No," I replied, "No trouble at all. In
fact, she washed
herself for bed."
"What?" she asked, "You're joking,
right?"
"Kinda," I chuckled, "While you and I
were saying
goodnight, she found the toilet bowl and decided to wash up."
Priya laughed and asked, "How about bed, did she
give you a
problem?"
"No," I said, "She struggled for a few
minutes but went to
sleep without any trouble."
"See," she replied complaining, "You can
get her to do
things and she listens to you. She doesn't listen to me and
I struggle to get her to sleep."
"I don't know what to tell you," I answered,
"It's just the
authority figure thing probably. She knows you're a push
over and that she can get away with not listening to you."
"Oh yeah," Priya relied sarcastically,
"And what do YOU do,
big bad Daddy, that she feels compelled to listen to you?
"I beat the soles of her feet unmercifully," I
quipped.
"No wonder she's not walking yet," Priya said.
"OK, I'll stop," I replied.
"Go take your shower," She ordered, "I'll
watch the bride."
Standing in the shower, I had that eerie feeling one
gets
when you know you've had a bad dream that scared the shit
outta you, but you just can't seem to remember. It's as if
the vision is right in front of me but it's just not in
focus. A very annoying, nagging feeling that left me
unsettled and slightly sick to my stomach.
Returning to the bedroom from prayers, Priya saw the
unsettled look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I
told her about the horrid nightmare that mysteriously
eluded understanding and that I was upset thinking about it
in the shower. I woke the sleeping princess, then changed
and dressed her in a yellow sundress with little one-inch-
thick straps that buttoned in the front.
We said prayers and went downstairs to eat. Monaavi had
arrived and was drinking tea and chatting with Mom. While
feeding Faatina her eggs, I silently observed our nanny/teacher.
As I watched her talk, make expressions, smile, and
smirk,
I noticed for the first time just how beautiful a woman
Monaavi is. Her big expressive light brown eyes, and her
easy gently smile. She has a very light wheatish complexion
with a small nose and slightly full lips. She had a child-
like quality to her that was probably why every child she
came in contact with was attracted to her. As she held her
cup, I watched her long, slender fingers and the graceful
way she held the saucer and cradled her cup.
She caught me looking at her out of the corner of her
eye
and smiled while she continued to talk to Mom. She blushed
slightly and had to lower her head, using her veil to
remove a non-existent speck of dirt from her eye. Not
wanting to make her uncomfortable, I turned my attention to
feeding Faatina.
Priya, wanting to remind me of what she'd warned me of
earlier, said, "Guess what Daddy?"
"What?" I responded.
With a sigh of relief, Priya replied, "She's all
yours for
the week. You get to watch her, change her, bath and dress
her until Friday, isn't that just wonderful?"
"You're joking, right?" I asked, "I mean,
you'll help won't you?"
"Uh, what was that you said the other night?"
She reminded,
"Oh yeah, I think your words were, "I'd rather not."
"I said I was sorry," I whined, "And I
got the girls outta
the tub right?"
"Mom, Monaavi," Priya asked, "Should we
let him stew a few
days or what?"
Monaavi gave me a coy smile out of the corner of her eye
and replied, "I think it might do "Daddy" good to get
involved in caring for his daughter, don't you Miss Joan?"
"Monaavi," Mom chided, "What did I tell
you about being so
formal? But to answer your question, yes, I think it'll do
him a lotta good."
"What is this?" I whined, "This is a
bloomin' conspiracy.
I've never bathed her, how do I do it?"
"It isn't easy," Priya said, 'Trying to wash a
squirming
twenty pounds is hard when you're leaning over a tub. Just
remember from our showers together… no soap in the coochie,
it stings."
Monaavi, upon hearing this blushed, covered her face
with
her veil and giggled. So, in a futile attempt to take it
out on the baby, I said to her, "OK kid, no pooping today, got
it?"
She looked at me and farted.
"Great! None of you listen." I replied.
After a round of giggles, Priya said, "You could
take her
shopping, she needs some more diapers and wipes. Get some
diaper rash cream also. Oh Mom, what do you think about
starting to potty train her now that she's crawling?"
"You might try it, but I don't think she's quite
ready yet.
She has to be able to tell you somehow that she's gotta go.
Pick up a training seat while you're out Sean. It fits on
top of the seat so she doesn't fall in."
"Yeah," Priya added, "We'll see what kind
of influence your
"authority figure" presence has on her in the bathroom."
"Fine." I resigned and replied, "How do I
accomplish THIS
task Mom?"
Mom smiled and said, "Just sit her on the pot for a
few
minutes. If she doesn't go, let her up. Do it about once an
hour and try and catch her when she's gotta go. It takes
time and patience. She might be frightened at first, so be understanding."
I lifted the bride's dress, pulled the back of her nappy
out and looked down: Whew! Just butt cheeks, no present for
Daddy. I scooped her up and held her like a football and
said like Bogy, "Well kid, it's you and me today. Let's go shopping."
I carried the little urchin out to load the stroller in
the
car to the sound of three giggling females. I asked our
driver if he knew of any places to buy the required
products. He laughed and said that he knew of a place where
his wife shopped and headed to the store.
Once at the market, I put the baby in the stroller and
told
our driver to park the car. "I may need some help," I
remarked, and he just laughed and nodded. Now accompanied
with an extra set of hands and another body, we went
shopping. I purchased the diapers and wipes, and to my
amazement, they had different kinds of diaper rash creams,
even one that was actually called "Butt Cream!"
I got three kinds, including the butt cream, a training
seat and a portable kiddie potty. Faatina seemed interested
in a three-wheeled stroller so I asked the saleslady about
it. She said it was for active mothers who used it to jog
while pushing a stroller. Thinking I might get some
exercise and watch the baby in one fell swoop, I bought it.
Proud of myself, we loaded the car and headed for home.
Once we'd arrived, the women were pleasantly surprised and
the "Butt Cream" got a few laughs as well.
I may have an IQ of 142, but I don't even OWN a
screwdriver, much less know how to use one, and the
stroller was laying out on the living room floor in pieces.
The matter was exacerbated by the fact that Faatina wanted
to help and was moving all the parts around, having a ball.
Hearing the commotion, Leeya and Attiya came in and
assisted the tiny urchin in rearranging all the pieces.
After about fifteen minutes of futility, I got frustrated
and yelled out, "Monaavi! Mom! Priya!"
All three came running and just stood at the living room
door laughing. Taking "control," I ordered, "Monaavi, get
these two demons outta here and back to class! Priya, lock
this monster in a closet or put her down for a nap, just
get her outta here! Mom, get Ravi in here and help me put
this confounded thing together!"
As if on queue, all three women giggled and politely
answered, "Yes Dear," and set to fulfilling my wishes.
Ahhh, peace and quiet!
Ravi came in and tried to keep from laughing. I glared
at
him and growled, "Not one word or you're fired!"
With that, he burst out laughing. Shaking my head I said
calmly, "Come on, help me get this contraption together,
will ya please?"
Still laughing, he nodded and left to get some tools.
Without six miniature hands in the mix, we (or rather Ravi)
soon had the shining new stroller in one piece, sitting in
the middle of the living room floor.
Leaning against the doorframe, Mom quipped, "A good
lesson
in product assembly wouldn't you say Boss?"
Shaking my head I replied, "Can it Ma."
"Well," she retorted, "At least your
father can put a stroller together."
Priya appeared with the captivating one on her hip. She
said wryly, "One job done, here's another. I think she's
about due to go potty so why don't you try your luck."
With an audible heaving sigh, I replied,
"Great!"
I had the feeling that this was a planned conspiracy
because as I took the little smiling pixie and headed to
the bathroom with trainer seat in one hand and the student
in the other, the three smirking females followed.
I sat her on my knee as I pulled up her dress and said,
"What, she's gotta have an audience?"
Priya quipped, "I wanna see your technique."
Monaavi quipped, "This is all new to me, I wanna
learn."
Mom quipped, "I'm here to make sure you don't let
the poor
thing fall in and drown."
"Get the video camera, we'll make a training
video." I replied wryly.
They all giggled and Mom said, "You'd better get
down to
business or she'll do it in her nappy, want that?"
Shaking my head, I pulled the tabs on her nappy, lifted
her
up and set her on the toilet. She was sitting on her dress
and the front hung down between her legs.
Mom observed, "Is she gonna pee in the toilet or on
her
dress? She sitting on it and she'll pee all over the front
the way you've got it hanging down there in front."
"Here," I retorted, "You do it!"
"With a chuckle, Mom knelt beside me and said,
"Pick her
up. That's it. Now, take her dress and roll it up so it
doesn't get in the way. Yes, like that. Now tuck it in like
so, and there: let her try to pee. Just hold on to her and
steady her so she doesn't get scared, slip through the hole
and fall in."
With all three women looking on, Faatina sat there with
her
legs closed, hands against the sides her bottom holding
herself up. She was looking at me giggling, kicking her
feet and wiggling her toes.
I cooed to her, "Come on baby, go pee pee for
Daddy."
She looked down and then back up at me. She then looked
around at all the people staring and back at me again. I
tickled the bottom of her foot and said, "Go pee pee."
I heard a spurt and then the sound of her flow tinkling
into the bowl. Her eyes shot open wide and her mouth made
an "O" and she laughed. She splayed her legs open, looked
down to see herself pee then back up at me and kept laughing.
The women clapped and I complimented her, "Good
girl!"
I took some paper and dabbed her little coochie dry and
lifted her up. I took her to the couch and put a fresh
nappy on her. My girl had done me proud and I turned and
triumphantly pronounced, "See, nothin' to it!"
Mom chuckled and said, "Beginner's luck."
"That's not fair, Sean," Priya said.
"And why not?" I asked.
"'Cause you can get ANY girl to go pee," she
quipped.
Mom choked laughing and Monaavi covered her face then
slapped Priya's arm saying, "Priya! That's so rude!"
Priya just smiled at me and I kept silent: I wasn't
gonna
touch THAT one!
It was close to dinnertime so Monaavi had the girls
clean
up their mess. I carried Faatina to the dining room, sat
her on the floor and asked Pita for some tea. I took a sip,
and setting my cup down, asked Priya, "What's next, a bath?"
"No," she replied, "Not tonight. If you
bathe a baby too
much, it dries out their skin. You can learn that one
tomorrow. Just wipe her hands, face and neck with a warm cloth."
Dad came in about that time and went right upstairs to
get
ready for dinner. Monaavi was ready to leave and after
parting salaams, she left for home. The topic of
conversation at dinner was Faatina's first success at potty
training under Mom's experienced tutelage (and my coaching,
of course). Then Dad got a nice laugh out of my attempt at
trying to assemble the stroller. All in all it was a good
day at my expense.
After evening prayers Priya and Leeya kissed me
goodnight
and Priya said, "Ok Daddy, potty, wash and to bed."
I asked her hopefully, "Are two fooling around
tonight? If
so, I might join you later."
"Oh no you don't Buster," Priya quipped, as
she lightly
slapped my face, "You've got a bride that needs your
undivided attention."
"Come on Priya," I begged, "She'll be
asleep in thirty minutes."
"And what if she wakes up and no one's there?"
she asked.
"Damn!" I said, "No fair."
"Now you sound like Leeya," Priya retorted.
"Seriously though, let's talk a minute," I
said.
I shut the bathroom door so my bedmate wouldn't try to
wash
up without me and sat with Priya on the loveseat. "What?" She
asked.
"Since when," I asked, "Is Monaavi
teaming up with you and
Mom to rattle my cage?"
"I don't know," Priya replied, "Ever since
the wedding, it
just seems that she fits in with the family more."
I chuckled and said, "By family, you mean you
women, right?"
"Yeah, well," She said, "She HAS
contributed a lot, hasn't
she? I mean, she picked out your wedding clothes, which by
the way looked great; AND, she DID come up with the
solution to your marriage problem didn't she?"
Figuring that they had their fun, I was curious so I
asked,
"Did she like nursing?"
"God you're a letch," she exclaimed,
"Alright, I'll tell
you but you have to promise never tell I told you, OK?"
"Cross my heart," I replied.
"Something's up with her," Priya started,
"She started
crying and said that she burns in her heart to marry her
one true love and have a child, and that when Faatina was
dry nursing, she just cried, dreaming that it was her
infant she was nursing. It was a very emotional experience
for her. She's such a sensitive girl. God. She's not a
girl, she's twenty-three, but she so sensitive and dreams a
young schoolgirl. Don't you ever let her know I told you,
she'd just die. "
"I'd never say anything, Priya. Her one true
love?" I
asked, "Who's she in love with?"
"When I asked her that," Priya replied,
"She just said, it
was her dream lover. Come on now, you'd better see if
she'll pee for you again, then get her cleaned up and ready for bed."
With that, she rose, kissed me goodnight and left. I
turned
to attend to my bedmate. It was about time too, because I
heard her crying but didn't see her. Looking around I found
her under the bed: stuck. I grabbed her by the ankles and
pulled her out gently. I wiped her tears and said to her,
"Ok Sweetie, think you can tinkle for Daddy again?"
I removed her dress and diaper and carried her football
style to the bathroom. Oops, no potty seat. Oh well, I sat
her down and she sank down and almost fell in, so I held
her up and tried to coax her to pee. I did everything: I
begged, cooed, tickled her feet, ran the water in the sink- nothin'.
I warmed a cloth and washed her hands, face and neck. I
picked her up off the toilet to carry her to bed and THEN
she decided she wanted to go and did: all down the side of
my shirt and pants.
I gave her a mock stern look and said, "You're like
your
mother: stubborn and don't listen." She smiled and stuck
her finger up my nose.
Returning to the bath, I rinsed the washcloth and wiped
her
coochie and legs. Once I'd tossed her on the bed with a
bounce and a giggle, I put her in a dry nappy. Watching her
as I undressed, I hurried to the bathroom, quickly wiped
myself off and put on a dry pair of boxers.
I pulled back the duvet, separated the sheet and crawled
in
next to her. Then I turned out the light and pulled her
close. I lay on my left side as I pulled her to my stomach.
She squirmed and cried lightly for a few minutes and like
last night, I gently rubbed her chest and she soon fell
asleep. Again, I rubbed down her leg and cupped her tiny
foot in my palm. There was just something so lovely about
her miniature foot that I just liked the feel of it in my
hand as her tiny toes wiggled against my palm.
As I started to fall asleep, I remembered waking up from
the nightmare and hoped I'd have a restful night tonight. I
fell asleep slowly, listening to her breathing.
Again, at four am I woke like last night: in fear,
panting
and gasping for breath with my heart throbbing in my chest.
This time, I could remember voices: I think mine and those
of children and it seemed that some voices were making
moans and sounds of pleasure at times, other times of pain.
I thought that I was in a huge room or hall and there were
others there but everything was blurred and out of focus.
All the while someone was talking to me but I couldn't
remember what was said or who might be the one talking.
My sudden movement as I jumped up to a sitting position
caused Faatina to startle and wake. I cooed to her, laid
her on her stomach and gently rubbed and patted her back as
she fell back to sleep. I rose and sat in the love seat,
trying to wrack my brain to remember more while everything
was fresh in my mind, but to no avail. At five, I cradled
Faatina's left foot in my palm and fretfully fell asleep.
Wednesday was pretty much like yesterday, with me
watching
and caring for Faatina. I took her out for a two-hour jog
and she liked whizzing along as we moved along the side of
the street. We tried to sit her on the kiddie potty, but
she kept getting up and crawling away. All day long I had
this knot in my stomach, dreading tonight when the cryptic
vision might reappear.
I was quiet during dinner and Mom and Dad seemed to hone
in
on it before Priya and asked me if everything was all
right. I sloughed it off, saying I hadn't slept well and
was just tired from my earlier jog.
Monaavi seemed keen that something wasn't right and
pretty
much concentrated on the girls, then went home when her
workday was finished. After prayers that evening, Priya
told me it was time to bathe Faatina. Being mentally
occupied with my cryptic dream, I wasn't in much of a mood
to deal with a splashing toddler in the bath.
With Priya's instruction, bathing her wasn't as hard as
I
thought and she cooperated, being preoccupied with
splashing and playing in the water. I didn't concentrate
too much on her genital area, only rubbing her a few times
under the water to make sure she was clean. I wrapped her
in a towel, carried her to the bedroom and dropped her
playfully onto the bed with a bounce and a giggle.
I dried and powdered her then finished with a dry nappy.
Now ready for bed, Priya kissed me goodnight saying, "You
look tired, you'd better get some rest."
"Yeah," I agreed, "It's been a long
day."
Not wanting to close my eyes, I spooned Faatina against
my
stomach and she fell right off to sleep. As I stroked her
tiny toes in my hand, she'd wiggle them in response to my
touch but seemed content knowing I was there as she slept.
Every time I'd start to doze off, I'd jerk myself back to
consciousness, trying to remain awake.
I castigated my self for being such a coward. Why was it
so
difficult to be adult about this? Why, every time something
like this bothered me, I couldn't (or wouldn't) share my
fears with someone I loved that would do all within their
power to help me?
Who was I fooling? I remembered that Priya, although she
never said anything, knew full well what I was going
through and revealed in detail later the demon that I
thought I was secretly battling with inside. Why couldn't I
tell her when we were bathing Faatina? "You're such an
ass," I said to myself, "It was only a bad dream: what are
you afraid of?"
I don't know what time I fell asleep, but the dream
returned. It felt like I was floating down a long, dark
tunnel with someone. I could see a bright light at the end
of the tunnel that got bigger as we neared the end. The
voice said to me, "What you will see is your fate."
As we entered a brightly lit great hall, everything was
still blurry but I could see myself lying in a large bed as
I floated above myself. My line of sight narrowed as I
entered my body as it lay on the bed. I tried to look
around, but couldn't move my head.
The voice next to me said, "We both know what you
are,
don't we Sean?
"What do you mean?" I asked, "What am
I?"
"You're a lover of child flesh," The voice replied,
At that moment, I knew who it was. I looked up and it
was
the demon. He was a hideous black with rough skin that
looked like he was covered in boils that oozed. He had eyes
of fire and giant wings that folded under his arms.
"Welcome to MY world," he taunted, "It's now your world too."
I tried to move but was held in place by some invisible
force. Suddenly, I could hear sounds of children moaning in
pleasure and pain. I felt tiny hands moving over my body
and giggling as I struggled to rise.
The demon asked, "Why struggle Sean? This is what
you crave
for deep inside yourself; you can't deny what you are."
The tiny hands moving over my body began to stimulate me
and I lifted my head to look down to see who was doing
this. I saw three small Indian girls that looked familiar
and asked the beast, "Who are they?"
"Why they're your children," he replied with
an evil
snicker, "They're doing what you've taught them to do and
their only desire is to please Daddy."
"NO!" I screamed, "This can't be happening!"
"Oh but it is!" He retorted with evil mocking.
"Do you
think that knowing the charms of your children wouldn't
have consequences? You've given them the knowledge of
carnal pleasure and now they will pass it on to their
children and their children's children."
"Look around," He ordered, as his wing swept
across the
room, "These are the generations of your seed, enjoying the
pleasures you've imparted to them."
I was now able to lift my head and look around. The
great
hall was filled with moving, writhing bodies of children of
all ages, engaged in all manner of debauchery and lasciviousness.
"NO!" I screamed again, "This can't be
happening, it's only
a dream!"
"See," the demon replied, "It all began
with a touch."
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha," The demon tormented me
with his evil
menacing laugh as he threw his head back. "I told you, you
were a child fucker, and I was right, wasn't I?"
I struggled with every muscle in my body but to no
avail.
All I could move was my head, and everywhere I turned was
the sight of children engaged in carnal pleasures. I closed
my eyes but the vision was still clear in my mind's eye. It
was like a scene from Dante's Inferno, but instead it was
mine: my own living hell! I watched as tiny bodies fell
from above to join the orgy below. I sobbed at the sight as
the demon's words played over and over in my mind like a
looped audiotape: "It all began with a touch."
"No, No, No," I screamed, "I would never
hurt my children!"
With an evil snicker, the demon replied, "What? You
think
because you never hit your children you didn't hurt them?"
"Look over there!" The demon commanded,
pointing with his wing.
I looked and there was Faatina engaged in oral sex with
someone faceless. "It started with her."
"Now look over there!" he commanded once more,
"There's
your daughter from the womb of your beloved."
I saw a young dark-skinned girl that looked like Priya,
being sodomized. I gasped in horror as he taunted, "She's
like her mother isn't she? Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Just then, I awoke from my nightmare, gasping and
sobbing.
The pain in my chest was so sharp it felt like I was having
a heart attack. Covered in sweat, I sat there in bed,
gasping and heaving. I rose, ran to the toilet and vomited
in deep guttural wrenches. I dry heaved bile until my
insides felt like they were being puked up. I stood at the
sink and I grunted as my stomach clinched with each painful
heave for several minutes.
I looked to the bed and Faatina was now on her back with
her hand across her chest, sleeping soundly. I stepped into
the shower and let the cool water rush over me as I tried
to regain my composure and think straight.
"How could this be?" I asked myself,
"I've never once had a
sexual thought towards that sleeping child: it can't be true!"
"This can't be happening," I told myself,
"I'd never want
to hurt my children. Will this demon inside me manifest
itself some time in the future with me abusing my children?
Is my desire to taste of the charms of young girls
unavoidable, and worse: uncontrollable. Is this is what I'm
to become? This is my legacy to my children?"
As I turned off the shower, I said to myself,
"Never! Never
will I touch a child intimately. I have two child brides
and I AM content with this. But my children are my children
and never will I touch any of them!"
I dried off, put on clean boxers and lay on the bed
about a
foot away from my sleeping child. She rolled slightly and
changed position so that she was laying almost
perpendicular to me and raised her leg and rested it on my
stomach. Feeling her leg lay across my stomach, just the
contact of her skin against mine made me shudder.
Silently I sobbed out my pleas to Allah to end this
misery
and take me from this world. It would be better to die than
to hurt my children. I cupped Faatina's foot in my hand and
she stirred lightly and wiggled her toes as I prayed.
It was now five am and soon, Priya and Leeya would be
here
for morning prayers. As I gasped, trying to breath, I
sobbed out my supplications to God, begging for forgiveness
and absolution.
At six-thirty, the girls entered as I was praying. Upon
seeing me, Priya exclaimed in shock, "What's the matter,
you look like you've seen a vision of hell!"
I moved Faatina's foot and sat up saying, "I have,
I really have."
Feeling such shame, I couldn't bring myself to reveal
the
dream. "What's wrong with me!" I scorned myself, "Tell her
you bastard, tell her!"
But I couldn't. I couldn't bear to see the look in her
or
Leeya's eyes if they knew what I truly was inside. I saw
myself as the demon I'd sought to fight and rid myself of.
I WAS that demon. I couldn't get away from it.
We laboriously finished prayers and went downstairs.
Everyone saw my ashen look and was genuinely concerned that
I was sick. I told them that I didn't sleep last might,
felt sick to my stomach and asked Priya if she could attend
to the baby today while I recovered.
After a half hour of useless prodding on everyone's part
to
find out what was bothering me, Priya acquiesced and said
she'd look after the baby. After breakfast, I told Mom and
Priya that I needed to pray and was going to the mosque.
I spent the day in prayer, begging for redemption from
my
inner demon and that I felt the only way to protect any
future generations of children was not having them. At the
end of a day of gut-wrenching prayer and invocation, I made
my decision on what I had to do. Although Islam forbids
suicide, I doubted my ability to trust myself and decided
that I would rather end my life than abuse my children.
When I arrived home, Monaavi saw me, offered her salaams
and asked if I was all right. I dismissed her by waving my
hand and saying I was just tired. Dinner that night was
quiet as everyone's eyes were on me, in loving concern. I
picked at my food and held the baby for the last fifteen
minutes of the meal and quietly cooed with her.
We said our goodnights early and went upstairs for
prayer.
When finished, Priya asked me if I was gonna be all right
with the baby and I replied, ""She'll be fine, don't worry,
she's no trouble at all."
Half believing my reply, Priya said tentatively,
"Well, all
right. If you say so but if you need any help, come get me."
"I will," I answered.
Priya and Leeya kissed me goodnight. I embraced each,
one
at a time, for what I expected was to be my last taste of
love from my wive's lips and gave them each a deep
passionate kiss.
Priya and Leeya felt something amiss and looked at each
other with concern. Leeya looked at me a little frightened
and said, "I love you Sean, you know I can't live without you."
"I know Baby," I answered, "I can't live
without you either."
As Priya was shutting the door, she looked at me with
concern and said, "See you in the morning, OK?"
"Sure my Beloved," I answered quietly,
"In the morning."
Faatina was sitting on the bed playing with her feet. As
if
on autopilot, I went to her, undressed and changed her
diaper and crawled in beside her. I pulled her to me and
taking her face in my hands, gently kissed her on the lips.
I said to her, "Daddy loves you and I always will. Grow big
and strong Sweetie and have lots of beautiful babies just like you."
I turned out the light and cuddled her to me. She
nestled
herself against my stomach like she'd done the previous
three nights and started sucking her thumb. I palmed her
tiny foot in my hand for the last time and gently rubbed
her toes as she fell off to sleep.
When she'd been asleep for a few minutes, I rose and
went
to the desk and sat down to write. In my farewell, I
explained that my love for each of my little young lovers
was undying and that I loved them so much I'd rather depart
this world than inflict any harm on our family. I went on
to reveal the contents of my nightmare and that I didn't
trust myself to make certain that my nightmare wouldn't
become a reality.
I thanked my parents, especially my mother, for the
wisdom
and support they had imparted to me and asked them to help
Priya raise Faatina to be all she could be. I had tried to
live my life and make a difference to some people and that
if there was any good in that, let THAT be my legacy.
I folded the letter and left it on the desk, then went
to
the bathroom. I filled the tub with hot water, and taking
the razor from the medicine cabinet, sat in the tub. I
looked at the bed once more and saw the tiny form under the
sheet fast asleep.
Looking at my wrist, I placed the razor and readied to
make
the slice. I paused for a moment and whispered, "Allah,
please forgive me for what I'm about to do."
I had the razor pressed against the vein on my wrist and
saw the skin indent under the pressure. Just as I was about
to slide the razor against my vein, I heard a voice say, "Sean?"
Startled, I thought I was hearing things and momentarily
lifted the razor from my wrist. I listened for a moment and
thought that I was hallucinating because all I heard was
silence. I readied the razor again and just as I was about
the make the slice I felt something touch my hand and a
familiar voice say, "Sean, don't do this thing."
Shocked, I dropped the razor on the floor and called
out,
"Emmy? Is that you?"
"Sean, did you love me?" Emmy asked.
Crying openly I moaned, "Yes, I loved you Emmy,
more than
you'll ever know. I'm so sorry I failed you."
"You didn't fail me, my love," she replied
softly, "You
gave me a love for all eternity. Do you know why I'm here?"
"Why?" I implored, "Tell me."
"You've won Sean," she said calmly.
"How have I won?" I asked through my tears.
"Don't you see?" she explained, "You'd
rather take your
life than hurt your child. You've made your choice. The
evil one had no power over you any longer. What you saw was
a deception, a vision of what COULD happen, not of your future."
"Why you?" I asked, "Why have you come to
me?"
"I come," she replied, "As a guardian
angel, a messenger of
God. He knew you'd listen to my voice. He's heard your
pleas and knows your torment. You made a vow to God that my
death would mean something in your life and that you wanted
the blessing He has in store for you. Your demon is real
and God has allowed you to be tested as He tested Job, to
see if you were worthy of His blessings."
"Why this?" I asked, "Why this
torment?"
"Because," Emmy replied, "You needed to
confront your inner
demon and decide what was more important to you; the charms
of a child or a life of true happiness and blessing."
"What would have happened if I'd given in to the
deception?" I asked.
"Your nightmare," she replied soberly,
"Would have become
your reality."
"What now?" I implored, "What will become
of me?"
I heard a smile in her voice as she answered, "Go
to your
child and love her. Raise her in love and watch her grow to
a full and complete woman. Allah will bring His blessing
into your life soon. She'll become your wife and bring an
innocent, motherly and solidifying love to your family
beyond compare. Her love is as pure as the driven snow and
as innocent as a newborn babe. She will give you what I
never ever could have."
"But why Emmy?" I cried, "Why did you
have to die?"
"If we'd have married," she explained,
"This blessing and
her gift would never have been realized. You needed to deal
with yourself in order to be ready to accept and appreciate
this wondrous gift Allah has in store for you. Don't weep
for me Darling, for I am at bliss with God. You have a life
of trials and hardship ahead, raising a large family and
loving your wives. Trust in yourself, your love for your
family and those that share that love and you will prevail.
Be edified in knowing that God hears your pleas and that he
who trusts in Him shall have the desires of his heart.
Remember the words of Auntie: "…What God has taken from
you, He'll replace with a much greater blessing…"
"But I love you so much Emmy!" I pined.
"I know Sean," she replied understandingly,
"Now go, go to
your daughter and never look back. Claim all that God has
in store for you with joy and treasure it always. Goodbye
my love until we meet again."
"Emmy. Wait!" I called out, "Wait! Please
don't' go."
Silence.
I sat in the now cool tub and wondered if what had just
happened was another nightmare or hallucination. I now felt
a warm, calm peace, and all the pain in my heart, the
torment and anguish, were gone. I looked again at my
daughter's sleeping form and smiled. I rose from the tub,
pulled the plug and dried myself off.
Walking to the bedroom, I saw the folded note on the
desk
and sighed. Picking it up, I started to lay it down and I
thought about telling Mom and Priya of the events that just
taken place in the morning. I looked at the note for
several long minutes, then felt as if the answer had been
placed in my mind. I said to myself, "This is between me
and God, and I'll remember this day in my heart. No one
would believe me anyway if I told them that Emmy had saved
my life."
I took a book of matches from the drawer and lit the
note.
I watched as it burned slowly, the edges curling over in
black, burnt carbon until the flame slowly flickered out. I
donned a pair of boxers and climbed in next to Faatina. She
was lying awake and when I leaned over to check on her she
looked me right in the eye. I could see the tiny rows of
white teeth as she smiled in the dark. She reached up and
touched my chin and gurgled out plain as day, "Da Da."
I began sobbing as I enfolded her in my arms, hugging
her
to me, and said, "Yes Baby, Da Da's here. I'll ALWAYS be
here for you Darling."
I kissed her temple as I spooned her to me. She sighed a
tiny sigh and molded herself against me. I again enfolded
her tiny foot in my palm, she acknowledged by again
wiggling her toes. We both fell away to the restful,
peaceful sleep only God can give.
Continued in Chapter 72….
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