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Child Brides of India
By: C. Stanton Leman
Chapter 61: Saying Goodbye (Mgg, rom, cons,)
"Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath,
Hath no power yet upon thy beauty.
Thou art not conquered. Beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson on thy lips and in thy cheeks
And death's pale flag is not advanced here."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, act 3, sc.
3.1.92-6
We arrived home about ten. We sat in the dining room and
Dad commented, "Sweet Jesus Joan, she looked absolutely
beautiful. When I saw her dressed like an Indian bride, I
nearly lost it."
Mom smiled and replied, "It seems so strange, in a
spiritual way, that it was the hardest thing I've ever
done, but at the same time one of the most simplest of
tasks. As I was washing her I pictured Mary washing the
body of our Lord and what she must have felt as she
anointed Him with oils and wrapped Him in linen. I know
that I was washing only a shell, but for a few moments, it
felt like I could sense her spirit was with us."
Leeya climbed in my lap and said, "Emmy was really
beautiful, wasn't she Sean? I told her to get the yellow
dupatta. She even smelled beautiful."
"Like I said Sweetie," I replied, "She IS
the most
beautiful bride in heaven."
"I feel…" Priya said in low humble tone,
"I feel
responsible for her dying."
Mom turned to her and laying her hand on hers replied,
"Why
would you think such a thing?"
Priya looked up and said, "Because I told everyone
that she
would be Sean's wife and we brought her here to India. If
she hadn't come, she'd still be alive."
I tried to point the flaw in her thinking by saying,
"Nonsense! By her own admission, Emmy said that she'd
fallen in love with me a year ago. Your premonition only
verified what every one of us believed was ordained by God.
Don't do this to yourself, it's self destructive and simply not true."
Mom nodded and added, "Sean's right Sweetie, God
has
written the number of our days in His book. We get no more
time than what He's allotted to us. God deemed it her time
and there's nothing anyone could have done to change that."
"I don't know," Priya said, "It's just
that it doesn't seem
right that she should die. I've never had anyone close to
me die before and I can't find a reason. Why did she have to die?"
Mom said comfortingly, "Because God called her and
it was
her time. All we can do is try to accept it and move on
with our lives. You, Leeya, and Sean have your whole lives
ahead of you. Spend that time building your family and
loving each other. God seems to make things come out all
right if we trust Him. Does that make any sense?"
"Yeah, I guess so," Priya answered, "It
just so hard and it
hurts so much. Momma, I know that you're not Muslim but you
have taught me more about the love of God than anyone!"
Mom smiled at her and said, "That makes me feel
very
humbled. It is my belief that Christians, Jews and Muslims
(and I only put them in alphabetical order), believe in the
very same God. We just do it differently. It's so very sad
that over centuries, there still continues to be bloodshed
over our belief in God, and in the name of God when we are
all brothers and sisters believing in the same God. It just
doesn't make sense."
"Sean, Priya, Leeya?" Mom continued, "All
of you need to
remember something. The pain you're feeling is directly
proportion to the love you shared with Emmy. God knows you
loved her very much or you wouldn't be hurting so much.
Losing that love is what hurts but remember what Leeya said
about love: love heals, it doesn't hurt. Love each other
and that love will, in time, heal your hearts, right munchkin?"
"Right Momma," Leeya said.
"Well," Dad said, "We've got another big
day to get through
tomorrow so I suggest we get some sleep."
Everyone agreed, so we rose, said our goodnights and
went upstairs.
Being distraught and somewhat overwhelmed by the events
of
the day, I'd forgotten when a Muslim handles a corpse they
need to follow a ritual of bathing while praying certain ablutions.
I asked Priya about it and she found the required ritual
and prayers amongst one of her books. We took turns washing
ourselves in the tub while reciting the proper prayers. It
took us about an hour to complete. After bathing, we
readied for bed.
Leeya was very somber and withdrawn. Without saying a
word,
I lay down beside her, scooped her up in my arms and
embraced her. She clung to me tightly and just sobbed. I
held her to me and let her cry. She cried for a good ten
minutes before crying herself out.
When she was composed enough to speak, she whispered,
"I
can't stop thinking that you're gonna die and I'm scared."
"Shhh," I soothed her, "It's normal to
have feelings like
that when someone we love dies suddenly."
I tickled and joked with her, then scowled, "But I
ain't
gonna die yet! I'm too horny to die, the two of you are
stuck with me forever!"
Leeya pushed me away as she said, "Stop it! I'm
serious!"
I looked at her questioningly and asked her, "What
do you
want me to say? I'm not gonna die! I'm not teasing you, I
only made a joke to make you laugh, not to treat your
feelings like they didn't matter."
I sat her up and grabbed both her arms and said,
"Look.
What Mom told me is true. I think we all need to remember
that everyday we go about our lives, think about everyday
things, thinking life is wonderful and that things will
always be this way. We are selfish and only think about OUR
problems and what WE want to do or not do and we sometimes
forget what's important in life. What's important is to
always say to those we love "I love you." We need to give
each other lots and lots of hugs and kisses and do nice
things for people. Emmy's death should make us realize that
we should always try our best to love each other every
single day. I can't tell you when I'll die: when God says,
"Come home," I'll go, but we can't live in fear of death. I
think Emmy's death had made us think about how important we
are to each other and how much it would hurt if we were not
here. That's why you're scared. If we remember how
important we are to each other, we'll get better and soon
we'll be happy again do you understand?"
"Yes, I understand," she replied, but added
with emphasis,
"You just better not die or I'll kill you!"
Snickering I replied with a smile, "Well, I don't
wanna git
kilt, so I better not die, right?"
Leeya smiled with an affirmative nod and replied,
"Right!"
I looked at Priya and she smiled, slapped my arm and
replied, "Right!"
"Alright number one and two," I said as I
pulled them both
down on their backs next to me, "I need some cuddles, how
about you?"
"Yeah," Priya added, "Lots of
cuddles!"
Leeya pinched my butt and said, "Hey, don't forget
me too!"
I grabbed each of my wives in a one-armed hug and
squeezing
them to me said jokingly, "Ah, two beautiful girls to sleep
with, it doesn't get any better that this!"
Leeya reached around, squeezed my dick and said,
"You letch!"
In mocking surprise, I replied, "Hey, where'd you
hear
that? Priya been telling lies about me again?"
"I got ears," she said coyly, "And I
ain't dumb either."
"You little nymphos should talk," I chided,
"Maybe I should
call each of you letchettes, how's THAT sound?"
"Stupid," Priya giggled, "Nymphos is
better."
"What's a nympho," remarked Leeya
"A nympho," I answered, "Is a very, very
horny and naughty
girl."
"You're right Priya, we're nymphos," Leeya
quipped, "But
he's still a letch."
"Alright you two little harlots," I replied,
"Let's get some sleep."
"What's a harlot?" Leeya asked.
"Go to sleep number two," I jokingly ordered.
Both girls said in unison, "Goodnight letch."
"Goodnight nymphs," I replied.
In silence as we tried to get to sleep, I knew that deep
inside we were all hurting but it felt good to joke a
little. It felt good to laugh and take our minds off of
morbid thoughts: even if it was only for a few minutes.
I lay awake for probably an hour as I recalled the day's
events. My mother's words resonated in my mind, "…but He
will mend it with something just a precious, if not more
so, than what it cost you. Trust Him."
I made a vow to myself right then and there that
whatever
God's reason was for taking Emmy away, I would watch
closely for the test He was preparing me for and grab it by
the horns. I WANTED that blessing my mother spoke about:
I'm going to accept the pain. I'll go through the change
because I want to make Emmy's death really mean something
in my life!
I don't know what time I went to sleep but I was
awakened
at six am by Priya. I groggily got up and we took a family
shower. I took the time to take notice and relish the
beauty of my two wives: their skin colors, textures and
curves. Leeya had only the curve of her tiny butt cheeks,
but to me, she had a feminine beauty I loved all the same.
Mom said that she wanted me to wear my wedding sherwani,
pants, shoes and kufi hat to the funeral. I asked her why
and she replied, "Because I want to celebrate her living."
"OK Mom," I replied, "If that's what you
want."
As I dressed, the girls started to cry when they saw me
putting on my bridal clothes. Priya said, "You can never
wear those again to a wedding now that you've worn them to
a funeral: it'd be bad luck."
"Well," I replied, "I don't plan on
getting married soon.
Do you have any more premonitions on the subject?"
"No," she said, "I don't know where we go
from here. Emmy's
death has shaken my confidence about life. I will follow
you and let you lead this family."
Leeya, seeing an opening said, "OK then, let's
change
places, I'LL be number one wife and you can be number two."
"Unfortunately," Priya responded, "I will
have to die for
you to be number one wife, do you still want to be number one?"
Shaking her head vigorously she replied, "No! I'd
never
want to be number one at that price!"
"Come on girls," I said, "Let's finished
getting dressed."
The girls finished one at a time. Priya dressed in an
ivory
white sari and after she'd finished dressing, helped Leeya
wrap her shell white sari around her tiny body. When we
were all dressed, we went downstairs.
No one was in any mood to eat breakfast, so we just had
tea
and English muffins. Monaavi arrived at eight and I was
surprised at how attractive she looked. She wore a pure
white sari with hand painted turtledoves on it.
After a light breakfast, we readied ourselves and left
for
the cemetery at nine. Upon arriving at the cemetery, we
were met by the Haaseem's. Haseeba was with them and she
appeared to be hiding behind Sarah. I called for Haseeba to
step forward so I could embrace my ward since I hadn't seen
her in a while.
Haseeba reluctantly stepped from behind Sarah and I
immediately knew something didn't look right. I looked at
her right in the eye and she had a guilty look on her face,
so I asked, "Tell me, Haseeba, what's the problem.
Something's wrong and you don't look right. Come closer and
let me get a better look."
She had her head down as if embarrassed about something
and
when she turned into the light, I saw it: a bruise under her left
eye."
I grabbed her left arm, pulled her to me and tilted her
face up and into the sun to get a better look. I asked her
"What happened, fall down or something? Before you answer,
let me warn you, don't lie to me or I WILL be angry! Now,
How'd you get that bruise?"
Haseeba hung her head in shame, began to cry and
replied,
"Sean, you have been like a father to me and I'll not lie
to you. After you spoke to Mahmoud, he came home angry that
I had spoken to others about his orders that I not go to
college. We got into a big fight because he also wanted me
to stop taking birth control, but I continued behind his
back. When he found my pills, he hit me."
"Why didn't you leave the house, call me, anything but stay
with that fucking animal?" I asked.
With her head buried in my shoulder and sobbing, Haseeba
added, "He smashed my cell phone and I was scared Sean,"
she replied with frustration, "I was afraid that he'd beat
me if I tried to leave."
Holding her in my arms, I turned to Adib and said,
"You
knew about this?"
"I found out about it this morning Sean," Adib
explained,
"I saw the bruise just like you did when we picked her up
this morning. Mahmoud has left the house. I don't know
where he is."
"I'll find that bastard," I vowed with a
vengeance, "Even
if I have to pay for someone to find him and beat the
living shit out him, I'll get him! No man is ever going to
touch one of the women in my family like that and get away
with it!"
Adib touched my arm and asked contritely, "Mercy
please
Sean, have mercy on him."
I shot him a look that would kill a king and said,
"After I
have personally bruised him as he bruised his wife, then I
MIGHT have mercy and let that slimy piece of shit live with
out being disfigured or disabled!"
I grabbed Haseeba's arms, gave her a quick shake and
ordered her, "You will, from this day forward, live in my
house; tomorrow we go to the Imaam and get you a divorce
and you get on with your life, understood?"
Nodding, Haseeba replied, "Yes Sean, I'll obey you
as my father."
Adib looked scared and I snarled at him, "You'd
better be
scared because I will repay him seven times what he heaped
on his wife. If you try to help him in any way, you'll pay
right along with him. I make an oath to Allah!!"
Everyone gasped and Priya said, "Surely you don't
swear on
Allah's name?"
Turning to her with anger I shot back, "I swore it,
it
shall come to pass!"
I went to the limo and got a bottle of water. I needed
to
calm down so that I could attend Emmy's funeral in a
somewhat proper frame of mind. Things quieted down after
everyone realized that the matter was closed: I would find
that wife-beating piece of shit and extract my revenge.
Leeya walked over to me at the car and asked,
"You're gonna
beat my daddy up aren't you?"
Looking at her directly I answered, "Yes Sweetie, I
am.
He's hurt his wife and he deserves to be punished just like
your mother needed to be punished for beating you."
"Let the Imaam do it," Leeya asked, "Let
them carry out
your vow. That way you don't make yourself God and judge."
I think I'd just been scolded by a five your-old with
the
truth, so shaking my head I replied, "If and when I find
him, I'll take your advice and turn him over to the Imaam,
does that meet with your approval, little wife?"
"Thank you for hearing me." Leeya said as she
hugged me,
"You always treat me like your wife and not a baby. I can
accept whatever the Imaam does to him. I just don't want to
have a curse come upon you from being as low as him."
Chuckling, I asked her, "Are you sure you're only
five, or
are you really a grown woman just hiding in a little girl's body?"
With a cute, curt twirl, she started to walk back to the
others and goggled over her shoulder, "I'd like to think
I'm a lotta woman for five."
Being put in my place, I simply agreed by saying,
"That you
are Babe, that you are!"
Having been duly chastened, I returned to the family. I
asked Mom who ws going to lead the service. She said that
Dad had contacted a Baptist missionary to preside over the
funeral. I asked Mom why the wedding garb and what she had
planned for a eulogy. She told me that she planned on a
eulogy of love taken from the Song of Solomon. She wanted
to focus on our love and not on her death.
We went inside and I was surprised to see Emmy's casket
was
on display with open lid and placed on an inclined platform
facing the audience.
The Haaseem's along with Haseeba gasped with awe at
Emmy's
beauty. Haseeba commented that she was the most beautiful
girl that they had ever seen.
Once seated, the minister began the service with us
singing
"Amazing Grace." After some prayers and readings from the
Bible, Mom stepped to podium. She began with, "As I thought
about what I could say that would convey what kind of girl
Emmy Marie Michaels truly was, it dawned on me that the
very reason she came to India was because of the deep and
intense love she had in her heart for Sean."
Opening her Bible, Mom said, "So today, I would
like to
celebrate Emmy's love. Her dying wish was to be buried in
her wedding dress. It was her desire, in her love for her
cousin, to come to India and become a beautiful Indian
bride in all its reality. So as we gaze upon Emmy Marie,
the bride, let me read from a book of love from God's word.
All of what I will read is the expressions of love between
King Solomon and his bride, a Shulammite girl. She was
reputed to be the most beautiful in all of Israel. It is
most fitting in its imagery, having an ancient oriental tone to it."
Mom began her Biblical parallel narrative with,
"Emmy fell
in love with Sean at the age of seven and pined for him
until his return to her one month ago:
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for
your
love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is
like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!
Take me away with you—let us hurry! His left arm is under
my head, and his right arm embraces me.
My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my
beautiful one, and come with me."
"Upon reuniting with his cousin," Mom
continued her tale:
"Sean is smitten with love for Emmy and expresses his heart
to her:
"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you
have
stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one
jewel of your necklace.
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the
fragrance of your perfume than any spice!
Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb my bride; milk
and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your
garments is like that of Lebanon.
You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a
spring enclosed, a sealed fountain."
"The similarities," Mom said "Are
striking: Emmy was an
only child as we listen further:"
"But my dove, my perfect one, is unique, the only
daughter
of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her.
The maidens saw her and called her blessed; the queens and
concubines praised her."
"Sean was smitten," Mom continued, "As
are all that cast
eyes upon Emmy's beauty, of which her lover gives her
praise."
"How beautiful you are, my darlng! Oh, how
beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a
flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up
from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is
alone.
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a
pomegranate.
Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance.
On it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of
warriors.
Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a
gazelle that browse among the lilies.
Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the
mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense.
All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a
craftsman's hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended
wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like
royal tapestry the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your
delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts
like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of
its fruit." May your breasts be like the clusters of the
vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your
mouth like the best wine."
"And like all those that share an unquenchable
love," Mom
said, "Sean and Emmy shared a measure of intimacy:"
"I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover
is
knocking: "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my
flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with
the dampness of the night."
I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again?
I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?
My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my
heart began to pound for him.
I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with
myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the
lock.
His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces
me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or
awaken love until it so desires."
"Like Solomon's Shulammite bride," Mom
narrated, and
drawing yet more parallels, said, "Emmy had sisters that
sought to protect her from her passion and protect her
innocence until her marriage:"
"We have a young sister, and her breasts are not
yet grown.
What shall we do for our sister for the day she is spoken
for?
If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her.
If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of
cedar."
Mom said as she closed her requiem of love, "And
finally,
once passed and now a spirit, Emmy finds that death can
only keep them apart physically, but that love transcends
death and time and space:
"I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he
was gone.
My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did
not find him. I called him but he did not answer.
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your
arm for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding
as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
It would be utterly scorned."
Mom was gently crying as she finished her eulogy by
saying,
"Sleep my little angel, sleep. Sleep the blissful sleep of
longing and waiting for you lover to return. It is said
that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never
have loved at all. Emmy Marie Michaels loved, and she loved
with a pure and consuming love. She goes to heaven with a
gift that many of us pine in our hearts to have tasted. As
we now lay her to rest in this land of mystery, she is
content in knowing that she truly was… a child bride of
India."
Mom slowly left the rostrum and silently sat. Dad put
his
arm around her as she, along with the rest of us, silently
cried. The minister ended the service with a prayer of hope
and the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul."
When the service had ended, I closed and locked the lid
on
Emmy's casket. Dad, Adib, the minister and I Carried Emmy
to the waiting hearse and we walked behind the hearse to
the gravesite. We placed her coffin on the stand, overtop
the grave and took our places.
After several readings from the Bible, we bid our
farewell
to Emmy with each of us laying a single rose on her coffin.
Everyone placed a white rose symbolizing purity, innocence
and youthfulness, while I placed a blood red rose
symbolizing romantic and sincere love, courage and passion.
Weeping, we turned and left to continue our lives
without
Emmy. On the way home, Mom and the girls wept fretfully as
Dad and I tried in vain to comfort them. Having made my vow
to God, I felt a peace, a quiet strength in knowing that
there WAS a purpose to Emmy's death and that I would soon
come face to face with that reason. God would not
unnecessarily torment me by delaying His will.
Once home, we had a small family wake in which Muslims
and
Christians came together in prayer for comfort, peace and
healing. After we'd prayed, Mom said with a sigh, "Now
comes the hard part: the part of living without Emmy in our
lives. Let us come together and promise to love, cherish
and protect our families from the sorrows of this life with
His enduring grace."
Salima embraced my mother and softly said, "I have
come to
the realization that we are ALL God's children and worship
the same God. May the peace of Allah, all praise and glory
be His, bring you His enduring peace and comfort in your
time of sorrow."
Mom kissed her cheek, smiled and replied softly,
"He has
given me peace. I now need His comfort and grace to continue."
While we were all sitting in the living room, I said
solemnly, "In keeping with Mom's invocation to protect our
family, there a matter that I feel needs to be addressed
immediately. Haseeba has been abused and her future is in
turmoil. I need for this family… both families… to help me
protect one of our own against a fellow family member."
"Haseeba," I continued, "Entered into a
solemn marriage in
good faith and love, based on the promises made by her
husband, Mahmoud. Promises he made to her and to me. He has
broken that faith along with his promises and has abused
his wife. No woman should live in fear of her husband, nor
should she suffer because of his sin."
I went on by saying, "The Koran teaches that
"None honors
women except he who is honorable, and none despises them
except he who is despicable." (Hadith).
I went on to say, "Mahmoud has proven himself to be
a
despicable man. I understand that repression and society
impose a certain dispossession on Muslims in India, and
with dispossession come poverty, certain inferiority, a
demeaned self-image and other forms of inferiority. The
patriarchal nature of Muslim marriage places the man in a
position of great power over his wife or wives and with it
comes a great responsibility and duty that is a privilege a
woman submits herself to in good faith."
I pointed out "Mahmoud has abused this privilege
many
times. He's neglected this privilege by allowing Tallie to
abuse Leeya, and is continuing his behavior of blind
neglect and insensitivity by ignoring his responsibilities
to Leeya and by treating his vows to Haseeba with contempt.
For this he needs to be punished. Leeya has pointed out to
me that the best way to handle this is to turn the matter
over to the Imaam."
I began to lay out my plan by saying, "This is what
I
propose to do. I would like to use Dad's investigator to
locate Mahmoud. After finding him, turn him over to the
Imaam for punishment and for Haseeba to obtain a divorce. I
will take back possession of their home, of which I still
have 51% ownership, and I will sign over the deed to her."
I pointed out that Mahmoud offered only his love and
promises as a dower, which Haseeba accepted in good faith
to be worthy of his promise. Since his profession of love
and commitment mean nothing, he owes her nothing as payment
except her freedom.
I said to everyone, "I owe this man nothing and
will
terminate his employment with our firm. I expect people
that work for me to be honorable and trustworthy and he has
proven that he cannot be trusted. What happens to him will
be between him and God. I only ask that as his brother
Adib, you do what is right and cast him away for our
families' sake. If Mahmoud has any further contact with
Haseeba, I will directly extract a pound of his flesh for
harassing her."
Adib, looking down in shame, sighed and said, "I
disown him
as we have disowned Tallie. He poses not only a physical
threat but also a spiritual one to our family. I will
follow you Sean in this matter and accept the Imam's decision"
"I will find him," I replied, "Then we'll
let matters take
their course. Now, where is Haseeba going to stay in the
meantime? If she stays here, she'll have to share a room
with one of the girls until I can have an addition put on
the house. How about if she returns and stays with Sarah?"
Sarah took Haseeba's hand and replied, "I'd be more
than
happy for her to stay with me, Momma, Papa?"
Adib and Salima nodded and Adib replied, "She is as
a
daughter to me according to our faith. She is welcome in
love to share our table."
Mom said, "Good. It's settled then. Haseeba, you'll
stay
with Sarah and Sean will take care of the rest, agreed?"
With tears on her cheeks as she silently cried, Haseeba nodded.
Adib said to Haseeba, "We'll go to your house and
collect
some of your things until it's safe for you to return home, OK"
"Yes sir," She replied,
With that said, everyone seemed to think that we should
call an end to our meeting. We said our salaams to the
Haaseem's and Haseeba, and the girls gave their family
kisses and hugs as they departed.
Once settled again in the living room, Priya asked
Monaavi
if she'd like to stay for dinner, but she said that she was
saddened by the day's events and felt like going home.
Monaavi made the comment that she'd never seen such a
beautiful girl and that Emmy was the most beautiful Indian
bride she'd ever seen. I summoned our driver and we
politely said our salaams as Priya and Leeya accompanied
her home.
As Mom and Dad went to the dining room, I retreated to
the
study to be alone with my thoughts. I was in deep internal
turmoil. Turmoil over the fact that we'd just laid Emmy to
rest and trying to grieve in a positive way, but having to
deal with Haseeba and the problem of Mahmoud made it
vividly clear that life DOES go on and we need to tend to
the living.
As I replayed Mom's eulogy over in my head, I pondered
her
words. Understandably, she spoke of an idyllic love. I, for
my part, felt that I'd failed Emmy miserably. I had such a
myopic view towards her, blinded by her beauty. I was
captivated by the physical and all the while fooling myself
and ignoring my own lesson of trying to get her to see that
there is more to love than only the thing I concentrated on.
I wanted her so much, lusted for her to the point I felt
that I may have denied her the very thing she needed most
from me: love-pure love for love's sake. Could I have loved
her if she wasn't so beautiful? What if she were defective,
deformed or handicapped in some way? What if she needed a
non-sexual love, could I have met her needs?
My demon hadn't consciously reared its ugly head in
quite a
while: was I ignoring the existence of this part of me?
What OF my desire for a young girl's charms: had I
convinced myself that I could indulge myself without any
consequences to my life or a young girl's life, while at
the same time craving her with such intensity without a cost?
With horrid shock, I wondered if that cost was Emmy's
life?
What if I were the cause of Emmy's death? What if she had
to die, for me to see the potential harm I could cause a
child by partaking of such pleasures? So far, I had been
lucky in that the girls I have married and loved as
children have benefited and grown out of that love. What
will the future hold for me? How can I be so sure that
Priya's certainty about me not wanting another child's
charms is true?
Would I? Could I desire my own child? A craving such as
mine cannot surely just go away… can it?
Would I embrace the challenge? Could I dare look at
myself
and give a prepubescent or pubescent girl that I loved and
cared for a pure, nurturing, non-sexual love for the
enrichment of her spirit and purely for love's sake? With a
sigh, I somehow knew that I would get the answer to all
these questions in due time. I also shuddered to think that
I'd be tested with the very thing I craved so much.
I was roused from my introspection by the sound of my
young
wive's return. I asked how Monaavi was: she had seemed
visibly shaken by the events of the day. Priya said that
she was just overwhelmed by the sight of such a young
girl's death. It especially hit home for her because she
has spent so much time nurturing and teaching young girls.
It was now five pm. None of us felt much like eating,
but
we knew we had to eat something. Pita made a large garden
salad and we sat in relative silence as we all picked at
our food. Even my parents, normally encouraging during
times such as these, were of the same frame of mind.
After attempting to eat at least something, we retired
upstairs for evening prayers and bed. After praying, both
Priya and Leeya hugged themselves to me and Priya spoke for
the two of them saying "Sean, make love to us, make us feel
alive again…"
Continued in Chapter 62…
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