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Child Brides of India Ch 3
By C. Stanton Leman
Chapter3: Arrival: Advice and Consent (slow, no sex)
I was one of the last to clear airport customs. Mom and
Dad were there, waiting for me with smiles, hugs and
kisses all around. We got my luggage loaded in the
limo and headed for what was now to be my new home.
We first talked of inconsequential things: the house
back home, the end of college, my unexpected 'cultural
learning curve' sabbatical, and the upcoming
challenges I might face in a few months. Then, my dad
broke the ice about our earlier conversation.
"Well, son, have you given any thought to what
you'll
do about that matter we discussed?"
My Mom jumped in and said, "John. First off, we're
all
family here: there's no need to be so cryptic. Second,
why not let him get home and settled in before
discussing anything specific. Let's have this
conversation in more comfortable surroundings when we
have time to devote to the issue."
"Thanks, Mom," I replied, "But to give
you the short
of it, I have given it some thought and prayer, and
I'd like to get some advice from an Imam about what my
duties and responsibilities are during the meeting
with Adib, and the 'introduction,' if I choose to
agree to it.
I believe there is a type of protocol or decorum that
is required, and what do I do about my decision
afterwards — either way. There's just so much I'm not
clear about, and I don't want to offend anyone, or
worse, not correctly follow the teachings of Islam in
this matter. Does that make any sense?"
"Makes perfect sense, son," my Dad said
cutting in,
"You need to get all the information you think you
need to make an informed decision. I just regret that
I've put you in this position."
"Good!" My Mom chimed in, "Now we can put
off
arranging our son's wedding to another day, and I can
have him for a couple of days all to myself!"
"Gosh, Mom, you're sure taking this pretty lightly
aren't ya?"
"No, in a way, it's kinda exciting to actually see
the
workings of other cultures first hand, especially
where women are concerned, but in another, I guess
it's my way of coping with a strange situation that
could affect all our lives. Don't let the humor fool
ya: your happiness is my first and only concern."
"That's why, Mom, I want to get this right the
first
time. IF and when I do decide to marry, I'll have to
follow Islamic precepts to do so: no matter whether I
marry here or anywhere else."
We'd pretty much talked the topic out for the time
being, and I began asking mom about her cultural
excursions and spending spree. Soon, we were pulling
up to the house, and me to a chance to work off the
jet lag in a real bed.
After recuperating a few days, and acclimated myself
to the time difference, I used the services of my
Dad's Indian secretary in an attempt to set up an
appointment with the Imam of the Jama Masjiid mosque,
the largest mosque in India, which also happens to be
in New Delhi. It took her several days, but she was
able to arrange for me to meet with him through a
Muslim translator that Thursday, two days hence.
I arrived at the mosque in time for evening prayers,
and afterwards, with a Muslim colleague of my father's
translating, the Imam and I made our introductions,
and so we began our meeting.
"Assalamu aliakom," I spoke as I placed my
hands
together in front of me and slightly bowed… I hope
this is correct, I wondered.
"Wa aliakum asslalm," he replied with a smile,
and
with that, he extended his hand, which I shook
respectfully.
He, seeing my apprehension as to how to start, quietly
began, "I understand you are a new convert to Islam,
and would like to discuss a matter of concern to you.
Praise be to Allah, peace be upon Him. You are seeking
direction regarding the correct practice of courtship
and marriage according to Islamic law, is this so?"
"I think so, Imam," I replied, I then went on
to
repeat, in detail, the conversation I'd had with my
father regarding Mr. Haaseem's proposal for an
'introduction' to his daughter. I also explained what
my understanding of the custom as I had related to my
dad. I then asked him, "Is this a formal request by
him to meet and consider his daughter as a possible
bride?"
"Yes, it is," he replied. "Matters such
as these are
spoken of politely and indirectly as a matter of
custom. Otherwise, it might be taken in offense. It is
important to understand that during conversations such
as these, respect is shown to all persons concerned:
especially the woman. If she's a virgin of legal age
or not, she's usually never present at the father's
first request, and sometimes neither is the intended
male suitor. Many times, these initial requests are
made between the fathers of the intended couple. I
take it from the events you've just explained she's a
believer?"
"Yes, Imam, She is from a Muslim family. Mr.
Haaseem
has requested to meet with me personally (through my
father). Is this because I'm of legal adult age and
have the right to make my own decisions?"
"The first step is verified in that it's preferable
that you marry a Muslim. You must remember, my son,
that legal age in Islamic law doesn't necessarily mean
fully grown. In Islamic law, when a boy reaches 15
years of age, or becomes sexually potent, he is
considered a man. But there is also the concept of
Rashd, which is translated as "a mature ability
towards sensible conduct." This is to insure that he
is capable of maturely discharging his duties as a
husband and to his family. For the girl, the term
Rashidah means the same thing. The normal acceptable
minimum age, in Islamic law, for a virgin girl is, by
interpretation, to be 8, or having reached puberty
with menarche being the indicator. At that age, she
must still be able to demonstrate a certain level
Rashidah. If she demonstrates the maturity to consent,
with her guardian's consent, to marriage, and being
able to know what it means and to consent to
consummation of the marriage, it is a valid marriage
contract"
Now, it was MY turn to be shocked, as I interjected,
"Are these marriages actually legal in India? Isn't
this a form of pedophilia? How can a child of 8, who
still plays with toys, have the mental and emotional
maturity to properly examine the consequences of such
a decision on her life?"
After a moment of silence (I guess to calm the
conversation), he began again. "Each case is
different, as are people. And yes, Indian law
recognizes many of these marriages. Although the usual
norm is to marry someone more to one's own age, there
are parents who arrange marriages for their virgin
daughters at an early age. In any event, the girl must
consent, or the marriage contract is invalid."
"What do I do if this girl, Sarah, falls into this
category?"
"Then each man decides for himself. If the girl's
age
is unacceptable to you, then terminate any further
meetings. If she does demonstrate maturity beyond her
years, then look at her qualities more critically,
because people, especially the young, change over
time."
"God forbid, that I be attracted to a child…"
"Whatever her age, Allah, peace be upon Him, has
your
bride handpicked, and will present her to you when He
deems all is ready to be ordained."
"So, what questions may I ask the father concerning
the girl in order to decide on meeting her?"
"Let us back up for a moment," the Imam said
looking
at me seriously, "Are you considering taking a wife?
Have you prayed about this? Or is this a matter that
has been thrust upon you by the girl's father by his
request?"
"That's part of my problem," I said. I then
went into
detail about the prayers and supplications I'd made
regarding my coming to India, my new job and any
direction these events may take my life, and the
feeling of peace that I'd experienced after praying. I
also went on to tell him that I'd prayed about this
meeting and introduction and what it might bring, and
again, I had no misgivings or feelings of negativity
about any of it. In light of this, I interpreted my
feelings as Allah having not yet revealed His will for
me, but had no fear of agreeing to the idea. I just
needed guidance on how to properly proceed according
to Muslim law.
"If what you're telling me is true, I'd say, after
meeting with her father, and you are satisfied by your
initial inquiries that she is acceptable for you to
meet, then meet the girl. It may be that Allah, peace
be upon Him, has a help-mate for you in your new
journey."
"Alright then," I went on, "Again, what
questions may
I ask the father concerning the girl in order to
decide on meeting with her?"
"General questions, such as, her name and age. You
may
ask general questions as to her physical appearance
such as height, does she have any physical or mental
deformities. Her health: can she bear children? But do
not ask pointed questions about physical appearance so
as to determine her physical desirability, how do you
in the west say, her sexiness: this is forbidden.
Most important is her other qualities: how strong is
her faith? Is she of strong character: can she act in
your best interests, forsaking her family in deference
to her husband? Is she good-natured? How well does she
get along with her siblings? Her parents? With others?
Is she family oriented? What of her schooling and
education? When you talk to her, does she seem like
you and she would be compatible: is she easy to talk
to? Can you talk freely to each other or is it
strained? Is she prone to secrets? It is a sin to
mislead or lie to each other.
Islam considers marriage a holy contract, and not to
be taken or entered into lightly. By evaluating the
qualities of a woman for marriage, you must ask
yourself, does she possess the qualities that are
complimentary to mine that will ensure a lifelong
partnership."
"I see," I replied while trying to digest all
he'd
said, "And what if I feel we have no 'connection:' not
so much a physical one, but a mental and emotional
connection that sees qualities she might possess that
are yet to be revealed by getting to know her better?"
"Then, compliment her in the name of Allah, and
truthfully tell her that you feel it is not meant for
you to be her husband. Women are fragile creatures,
and as such, you are admonished to be kind and gentle
to her, and show her respect; even though she may feel
rejected, that pain is far less than an unhappy
marriage. If Allah ordains the marriage, there will be
something about her that will move your heart to seek
out the source. Deep within her where that source
resides, you will find your bride. The rest is up to
you and your personal walk with Allah, Praise and
peace be upon Him."
"What if we make that 'connection,' and we're both
moved to get better acquainted?"
"Your understanding of Muslim courtship is correct.
The Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon Him, has stated
"Not one of you shall meet a woman alone unless she is
accompanied by a relative." The Prophet, peace be upon
Him, also said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman,
Satan is the third among them." These admonishments
are to prevent lust from being a factor. We must
always follow the commands in the Koran, which tells
couples to "lower their gaze and protect their
modesty." This may be evidenced by the girl only
glancing at you momentarily, and not looking you
directly in the eyes for any length time. Both of you
are to look at each other with a critical eye, not a
lustful one.
If both of you wish to continue, want to know each
other better, and start the 'courtship' phase, then
the two of you can arrange to meet, in the presence of
one of her relatives to talk and spend time together
for the purpose of getting to know each other better,
but it will always be chaperoned.
If the two of you are seriously considering a possible
marriage, you both should seek Allah, peace be upon
Him, for help, guidance and peace before proceeding,
this is done by praying a prayer for guidance. It is
called the salat-l-istikhara. I will send the text of
it to you. Then, if both agree, they pursue the final
steps toward marriage.
I believe I've given you enough direction as to how to
proceed — either way, for the immediate future. If and
when the time comes, we can meet again and discuss the
procedures for Nikah, or the actual marriage contract
and ceremony. Go in peace, and all praise and honor be
to Allah, the Knower of all unknown, be your strength
and guidance. Assalamu aliakom."
"Thank you, Imam, for your time and guidance. Wa
aliakum asslalm." With that, we parted and I made my
way home, contemplating all that had transpired these
past seven days.
Both of my parents must have been anxiously awaiting
my return. They were sitting in the study, stating
that they'd held dinner until I got home. With that
said, we headed to the dining room to eat.
Dinner began uncomfortably quiet, but again, it was my
father that broke the silence.
"Well? Are you going to say something, or do we
have
to pull it out of you?"
Mom looked at Dad, and then placing her hand on his,
she said, "John, calm down. He'll speak when he's
ready. I think we already have an idea what he's going
to say anyway."
"Mom, Dad, I'd like to discuss this in more detail
after dinner, but I've decided to meet with Adib and
meet Sarah."
My mother, trying to relieve some of the tension said,
"There now, it's all out in the open. Now can we have
a nice, friendly family meal?"
My father didn't look so accepting. With a cryptic
look on his face as if contemplating for a moment,
slightly nodded, smiled and said, "Sure."
After a somewhat more relaxed dinner, thanks to Mom
(the perpetual mediator), babbling on about her
delving into Indian and Muslim culture. She said that
she had needed to learn more about her son's faith and
new lifestyle.
After dinner, Dad asked the maid to serve coffee in
the study, where we then proceeded. Dad sat behind his
desk, Mom on the couch, and I sat in an armchair,
turning it so I was semi-facing them both.
I sat for a moment collecting my thoughts, then began…
"Dad, I know you somehow feel responsible for all of
this, and you're obviously concerned: both about
meeting with Adib, and with his daughter. First of
all, it's not the end of the world. Second, I know you
feel a little 'betrayed?' by your friend — is that the
right word? Anyway, I've prayed about it, thought
about it, sought the advice of the Imam, and I feel a
strange calmness about the whole thing. I'm not
shocked, frightened, or put off by any of it.
Without trying to sound too religious or pious about
things, only God knows what the future holds: for me,
my family, my future, and also for Adib and HIS
family. I do know that I haven't had any heartfelt
feeling that this is a bad thing: either religiously
or personally, to do. Try to put yourself in Adib's
shoes. If you felt something or some action on your
part was in my or our family's best interest, you'd
probably do the same thing: no matter how strange it
may seem to anyone else. Right? So try not to be too
hard on your friend."
I went on to retell of my meeting with the Imam, and
without repeating word for word, told them that the
Imam said that it was a plea on Adib's part to meet
with Sarah for the consideration of possible marriage.
I also told my parents that simply meeting for the
first time is only the first step, and that many of
these introductions don't go any further, and that
both the man and woman must agree to all the steps
along the way.
My mother looked at Dad, then at me, then back at Dad.
I guessed that she was chomping at the bit to say
something, but was deferring to my father to make the
first comment.
Dad, rocked back in his chair, and began. "I've
given
this a lot of thought, and there are a lot of 'what
ifs' about the whole thing. For example, 'what if'
she's a minor? What's her age? They marry girls — even
children here. Their customs are not ours. They view
these things differently. 'What if' she's still in
school? Do you want to get involved with a schoolgirl?
Would a marriage like this be recognized as legal back
in the States? 'What if' she being coerced in some way
to get married? 'What if' you and this girl 'hit it
off' and decided to… what do you call it — court.
How's this going to affect the real reason why you're
here: namely, to run a company… or have you forgotten
that?"
"Whoa, dad, slow down, you're starting to
hyperventilate! Let's take things one at a time. You
seem to forget that even though I'm a college graduate
with a PhD, I'm still only 18 years old. If she's say,
16 or 17, that's still an acceptable age range for
dating and marriage in the US. If she's younger, I'm
not sure what US law is regarding such marriages, but
I do know that the US government usually recognizes a
legal marriage made in a foreign country by an
American as being legal.
As to her being a schoolgirl, if she IS 16 or 17, she
will still be in school, as would probably an older
girl because she'd be attending college. College
students marry all the time."
Now for the shock part… I went on to explain what the
Imam had revealed to me regarding Islamic
interpretation of legal age and requirements, the
conditions of 'a mature ability toward sensible
conduct' towards marriage by both parties, and how
that might apply to a very young girl. Finally, about
the need for the girl's consent for a valid marriage
contract. Also, that these marriages were recognized
as legal in Indian secular law. Once I finished these
revelations, I waited for the hammer to drop…
All I saw were open mouths, and silence.
Mom spoke first. "What if this girl is 8 or 9? What
will you do then? What if she's 11 or 12?"
I looked at both of them and said, "Having those
examples to deal with, not having yet met the girl,
I'd decline an introduction. I cannot imagine a
scenario where I'd pursue a girl of that age: and it
makes me shudder to think of a child of 8 in any
intimate context. If she were, say, 11 or 12, she'd
have to be my equal, in the sense of being very
mentally and emotionally advanced in education,
interaction with older peers, and a history of
demonstrated ability to adapt in an adult environment.
I'm using myself as a gauge: does that make any sense?
If I am, at 18, considered in the eyes of older peers—
you, Dad, being one, is old enough to run a company,
then there are certainly young women who have the same
abilities as I: don't you both agree?"
Not waiting for an answer, I continued, "Look,
let's
put this age issue to rest for our purposes: if Sarah
is below the age of 16, which is only 2 years my
junior, I will not proceed with an introduction as
Adib has requested. Having said that, she'd still have
to demonstrate maturity beyond 16 in order for us to
be compatible anyway. I see no problem meeting him or
his family in a purely social setting such as a dinner
or a public function. Does that alleviate your fears?"
Dad then spoke up. "OK, son. I agree with what you
said about the age issue. I guess everything will now
hinge on what Adib has to say about his daughter."
Mom kinda lowered her head and mumbled something that
dad and I could make out, and dad asked, "What is it
you have to say: get it all out now, or you give up
the right to bitch about it later. Come on, out with
it!"
Mom looked at the ceiling, as if for inspiration, then
looking at each of us in turn began: "Not all of my
'excursions,' as you call them, John, have been
cultural. Because I was an educator, and Sean's
teacher, I have also been observing their educational
system here also. One fact stands out, and that is,
there are an awful lot of kids, boys AND girls, that
are like Sean: pure geniuses. A lot of these kids put
ours to shame!
I was just remembering this, and thinking, that
meeting a girl such as Sean describes is within the
real realm of possibility here. What if, by the will
of God, or Allah, or whatever Higher Power that's
controlling our lives, were to put Sean in such a
position. I mean, with the right girl, say 11 or 12,
at the right time, and their hearts connect: what
then? Do we dismiss those same qualities that we hold
so special in Sean simply because she's a girl?" Her
voice was slowly gaining volume and force while she
continued her diatribe, "Were we right in our duties
as parents to allow Sean to grow up, assume
responsibility for his actions and decisions at such
an early age? And what now? He's 18 and going to run a
company! Your company! Is he more responsible because
he's YOUR son?" Having finished, she relaxed and sat
back putting her hands in her lap.
With that, I looked at Dad, who was chewing the inside
of his cheek, and back at Mom, who had an imploring
look on her face waiting for his response. I wanted to
hear what Dad's answer to that would be, and I wasn't
about to put MY two cents in … not just yet.
He looked at Mom, and slightly turned his head as if
to work out a kink, then replied softly, "When the
hell did you become an advocate of child marriage?
Laying the love issue aside, there are real legal
ramifications to consider here! What if the US doesn't
recognize such a marriage: could he be prosecuted in
the US? These questions will need answers if this kind
of scenario comes to light. Legalese aside, what you
say is true about recognizing the same qualities in
someone other than Sean, but I have to say, she'd have
to be pretty damn special for me to go along, or even
consider it!"
I guessed it was time for me to put in my 'two cents'
worth, so a said calmly, "I agree with you Mom, in
that, although you and Dad are Baptist, and I'm
Muslim, we all agree that God's will for us is unknown
to us except the day we're living in. Yes, anything
under the sun is possible, though not very probable. I
don't know what God has in store for me, I just trust
in my faith: isn't that what you've both taught me? I
believe we've covered the 'what ifs,' pretty well, but
the purpose of this discussion, I believe, has come
full circle. As I said at dinner, I've decided to meet
with Adib, and discuss Sarah, and I'll try to get as
much information about her as I feel is necessary to
make a decision. There's one guideline we all agree
on, and that's if she's under 16, the deal's off.
Agreed?"
Mom said, "Agreed."
Dad's reply was "Amen to that."
I then looked at Dad and said, "Now for the next
step:
give Mr. Haaseem a call, and set up some time to meet.
I'd appreciate it if you'd to be there also."
"I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
"OK Dad, make the call." With that, Mom and I
both
rose, and started to leave the room. When we reached
the doorway of the study, I turned to close the door,
and I could hear my Dad say, "Hello Adib? Yes, it's
me, John…"
Continued in chapter 4…
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