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Child Brides of India
By C. Stanton Leman
Chapter 2: Best Laid Plans (slow, no sex)
While my Dad and I were discussing his conversation
with Adib Haaseem on the Thursday before I took off
for New Delhi, there was another set of events
happening at the Haaaseem residence in New Delhi…
"Assalamu aliakom," Salima, Adib's wife said
when
answering the phone.
"Wa aliakum asslalm," replied Adib to his
wife, "Have
you been preparing Sarah for the meeting? Praise
Allah, peace be upon Him, I believe that Sean will
agree to meet with her, although it may be a little
awkward because both of the families will be present.
I still have to await a call from either John or
Sean."
"Yes, husband, I have Sarah and Priya at the dining
room table discussing how and what takes place at an
introduction."
"Why is Priya there?"
"She is of marriageable age by Islamic law, and
she'll
need to learn this at some point in time. I felt it
better to explain some of this to her as well, so that
when the time comes for her, she won't be so shocked
by the suddenness of it all as with Sarah. What I'm
teaching them now is just the formalities, the
gestures, posture, how to speak, reading the man's
body language: things of that sort.
Besides, if our hearts are right in this, it's my
duty as a mother to educate Priya also. This way,
Priya feels included, even if indirectly, and sees it
as a mother explaining what lies ahead for both of her
daughters. Being secretive and paranoid about things
only invites resentment from her.
Frankly, I don't think Sarah is emotionally and
mentally mature enough: she's only two years ahead of
her class, nor does she have the physical presence and
appearance to attract an American with Sean's
attributes. She has a fuller figure than most
Americans like, and she's not as quick witted. When
she gets nervous, her English also begins to falter.
If she can't allure him at first glance, I'm afraid
things will go downhill for her from there."
"Well, Salima, once you get her alone, you need to
impress upon her that we have diligently searched our
hearts with Allah's help and believe that we've found
a suitable husband and lifelong partner for her."
"Adib, I just hope we're not putting too much
pressure
on Sarah. You know how she gets when she feels she's
tasked to perform. She needs your reassurance and
confidence in her abilities. I'm afraid that she kind
of feels that this is some sort of test she has to
pass to win our approval — especially yours. She'll
likely take a rejection very personally, even if she
feels she's trusting completely in Allah on the
outcome."
"Reassure her that all is in Allah's hands, and to
be
at peace with the results Allah presents to her. She
needs to pray for guidance and dispel her fears. I
will also do what I can to put her at ease. Your job
is to assure she knows how to act: chaste and humble.
Does she realize that we feel that we've found in Sean
a man capable of fulfilling all of her needs:
emotional as well as material?"
"Yes, but all of that doesn't matter if he doesn't
want to pursue her. Any girl, regardless of her faith,
would take a rejection personally in varying degrees.
When a girl lays herself open to inspection, who and
what she is, especially in a room full of people
watching their every action, and she's rejected — for
whatever reason — that's all she has to offer. She has
no experience with boys, much less a man… Sean may be
the right man for her, but if the time isn't right for
her, Allah, peace be upon Him, may, in His wisdom deny
your wishes for her."
"That may be true, but I also think Salima, we need
to
help her present her physical flaws in a more pleasing
manner. Give her less to worry about. What do you
think?"
"I think you're treading on dangerous ground here.
You
know what the Koran states regarding dress. She's not
allowed to enhance or accentuate her physical
appearance: good or bad. It would be like prostituting
herself. You know very well, if he finds her
attractive as a person, her physical flaws are
immaterial."
"I don't mean openly displaying her charms in a
favorable light, but listen for a moment. For example,
if we dressed her in a black sari, it would give her a
slimmer appearance, and it is an acceptable color.
That's not displaying anything: good or bad. We could
dress Priya in white, which would make her skin color
appear darker than it really is. This could draw
Sean's eyes to Sarah's fairer complexion."
"Adib! I can't believe you just said that!
Attempting
to make either of your daughters 'appear' any other
way than honestly is a sin! Besides, how could you do
that to Priya? You'd injure the heart of one child for
the sake of another? You know how Priya has suffered
because of this!"
"Look. Although she's darker than you, you found a
loving husband in spite of your color didn't you?"
"Yes, but my father was as pained as I was because
I
suffered the same indignities as Priya: and still do.
How can you rationalize your thinking to accommodate
such a thought! My father took great care to try and
shield me from it as much as he could. He also took
great pains to find me a husband that saw past my
color to see the real person inside. My love for you
and yours for me had giving me the strength to
overcome my pain. He would NEVER try to accentuate my
pain in any way as a means to an end. I feel hurt that
you'd even suggest this! You need to reconsider this
carefully."
"You just have to find a way to impress upon her
that
this is Sarah's time: hers will come when Allah and
her parents feel so moved, and we will try as hard for
her as we are trying for Sarah. She just needs to
sacrifice a little for her sister, she'll understand.
Do as I ask and explain things to her. I'll talk to
her also.'
"I will do as you ask, and take the girls out
tomorrow
and buy the saris, but there is a bitterness in my
heart for my child that will NEVER leave until she has
found a man who will shield her from these
indignities. You have wounded my heart, Adib, and I
fear we bring Allah's wrath upon us for this deed."
"What does Sarah have to say about the whole
process
of meeting a man for the possibility of marriage?"
"That's another thing. She feels unsure and a
little
frightened by the suddenness of the whole thing.
Because of the very 'flaws' that you speak of, she's
like many girls her age. She not only feels insecure
about her body, and also her sister's better academic
achievements, but also in your love for her right now.
She's thinking you may be trying to 'marry her off,'
or get rid of her because she's not pleasing in your
eyes. I've tried to reassure her and reinforce the
idea that it's because we love her immensely and are
looking for a lifetime of happiness for her. But the
more we discuss this, the more I fear she's not
emotionally ready for the separation from us: and
especially you. She really does crave your approval
and love.
I am also beginning to have doubts about Allah's,
peace be upon Him, wisdom in this. This should be a
time of expectation and happiness with a clear
conscience and conviction that we're doing the right
thing. I fear that if you try to force these events,
you'll end up hurting not one, but both of your
daughter's hearts and drive them away from us. I need
to find a way, and the strength to try and explain
your wishes to Priya… I fear I'm about to commit a sin
against my daughter."
"Don't cry, Salima. Neither child should see any
tears
or confusion from you. I truly believe that I have
Allah's, peace be upon Him, blessing in this endeavor.
If things don't work out, we simply continue to look
for suitable husbands for our daughters. If it's
ordained to be, then it shall come to pass, don't you
agree?"
"On that last statement, I do agree. I shall pray
and
encourage the girls to pray also more fervently on
this matter for guidance, peace and reassurance."
"We still have several days to ease the girl's minds
and prepare them for the evening. I think you need to
concentrate on Sarah and her fears. I'll do the same.
Priya is a very intelligent and empathetic girl, and
understands her sister's insecurities much more than
you think she does. She'll be alright."
"Yes! It's her tender and empathetic heart that
will
make this pain all the worse! You're asking her to
verify all the indignities to advance her 'fairer'
sister's cause! It shall be on your heart if she's
hurt by all of this."
"I'll be home tomorrow evening by 6, and we'll have
a
nice family meal together, and put things in their
proper perspective. OK?"
"Fine. But I have to tell you, I'll do what I can,
but
you'll bear the brunt of making this right. I am
slowly loosing my conviction, and being as close as I
am to them, I'm not sure I can truly hide my feelings.
How this all turns out may have an effect on our
relationship… I hope you know that."
"Salima. We've been married for 18 years. I love
you
and my family more than life itself. In all those
years, have I done anything to put any member of my
family in jeopardy? Would I drive a wedge between us?
Do you really believe that?"
"No, not consciously, but sometimes, in our desire to
do the right thing, we can set into motion a chain of
events we can no longer control, and with unexpected
consequences. This is all I'm saying. Be absolutely
certain of your motives: if they're pure, all will
work out. If you try to force the will of Allah, we
can spent the rest of our lives in painful repentance
to no avail."
"I love you Salima. I'll see you and the girls
tomorrow evening. Assalamu aliakom."
"Wa aliakum asslalm. I love you too."
After evening prayers and further discussion with the
girls over dinner, some of it fraught with tears and
pleadings followed by reassurances of love and
support, the three of them retired early, each to her
own prayers and supplications.
After morning prayers and breakfast, the three headed
to the seamstress to purchase Sarah and Priya's saris.
Sarah's would be a black sari with the pallu trimmed
in gold, with a black petticoat and choli, finished
off with black beaded slippers. Priya's would be white
with a pallu trimmed in light blue with a petticoat,
choli and beaded slippers of powder blue.
(NOTE: I later learned these terms, but a sari is one
continuous piece of material of 5-6 yards. Underneath,
a skirt called a petticoat is worn which is waist-to-
ankle length, and tied at the waist with a drawstring
along with a blouse or choli. The long choli extends
to the waist, where a short choli ends right below the
bust. The sari is worn by tucking in the plain end
onto the petticoat at the right hip, and a number of
pleats are made and folded. These pleats are tucked
into the petticoat using the naval as a center,
wrapping the fabric again around the waist and then
draping the fabric over the left shoulder. This draped
material and remaining material becomes the pallu. The
remaining material can then be either wrapped under
the right armpit or over the shoulder, wrapped around
the back, over the left shoulder (or used as a head
covering), and the remainder draped around the bust
over the right arm. It can be wrapped to either hide
or accentuate the figure. Sorry for the interruption.)
Both girls were excited about buying such beautifully
detailed dress saris, but at the same time, quietly
subdued. Each knew the significance of the choice of
colors, and while Sarah was thankful for the
flattering color, she guiltily felt what was on
Priya's mind.
Priya was outwardly as happy as she could bring
herself to be. She felt, however, betrayed by her
father's actions, and tried to hide the sting in her
heart.
Salima looked at Priya and thought, "Oh, my dear
child! Your eyes cannot hide what your smile tries to
cover. I know all too well your pain, and I pray to
Thee, O Allah, my strength and my hope: Please turn my
child's pain to joy, let her heart be quieted by Your
gentle reassurance."
With purchases in hand, they all returned home to
await Adib's return for dinner and discussion.
Continued in chapter 3…
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