The Ugly One
Chapter Twelve
by be287m

The doubts returned when I awoke.  Did yesterday really happen?  Was it real?  Had the women really found me attractive enough to sleep with, or were they just acting?

I couldn’t tell about the last one.  I knew that any decent courtesan was capable of good acting, and they could have certainly faked part of their reactions before and during the orgy.  Maybe despite my protestations, they had fucked me as a favor to Tamara.  Or Summer.  Maybe they considered me ugly, but as ‘professionals,’ were able to hide that and fuck me anyway.

But they did fuck me.  I didn’t pay them, I didn’t coerce them, and they didn’t do it because they were drunk or trying to win a bet.  Well, maybe Summer was trying to win a bet, but that was different.  The women had certainly had a chance to walk away, like Bambi had done.

It was hard to think about.  I desperately wanted to believe that it had all been real, despite the voice inside telling me that the women had been faking and it was all a sham.  Thirty years of telling myself I was ugly, stacked up against one incredible experience.  Why should a single experience win out?

Except it wasn’t a single experience.  Angie hadn’t been involved in this at all and she’d found me attractive.  I could rationalize that away, since she seemed to idealize men.  But still . . . 

I missed Angie.  Yesterday had been incredible, but it felt, well, temporary.  Unsustainable.  Even if I could afford it, I couldn’t live in the brothel, having such orgies every day.  It wouldn’t be enough.  Being with Angie had felt deeper, more sustaining.  It was lovemaking, not sex for fun.

Love.  Funny word.  I wondered if I really knew what it meant.

My mind meandered back through the orgy and I remembered Sherri stroking my scars, and then Rochelle playing with them.  I realized that Angie had never appeared to even notice my scars.  Could she even fathom how ugly they were?  Maybe she really had idealized me, being all too willing to overlook my flaws.  I didn’t know if she still saw me as ideal now that she knew I was human.

Human.  Did Billy just see me as human?  He was much harder to second guess or explain away.  He was too young to lie or act well.  I couldn’t imagine any motives for him to do so even if he could.  And Billy saw me as a hero.

Maybe I was.  And if I wasn’t, maybe I could be one.

Regardless, I needed to get out of bed.  I was flying back to Denver in the afternoon and I wasn’t quite ready to return to my life.  I grabbed a t-shirt and some boxers and went in search of my host.

I found Summer in the kitchen, drinking coffee and going through some magazines.  She was nude and nonchalant.

“Do you ever wear clothes?” I asked as I filled my own mug.  Summer grinned at me.

“Only when I have to.  Or when I’m trying to seduce someone, since stripping can be so sexy.”  She gave a lascivious grin and licked her lips.

“Whew!” I teased.  “I guess that means I’m safe from being seduced, since you’re already nude!”  Summer gave me a playful swat with her magazine.

“No way are you safe, boy.  Not after last night!”

“You liked?”  I kept my face as deadpan as I could manage.  Summer snorted.

“Boy are you clueless, John,” she teased.  “Most guys would have figured out I was having a good time by my third or fourth orgasm.”

“Yeah, the orgasms were a clue,” I shot back.  “But I was just making sure.  Customer satisfaction is important, after all.”  Summer laughed again.  I took a moment to admire her breasts bounce as she chuckled.  This was something I could definitely get used to.

“So what would you like to do today?” she asked, a little more seriously.

“Actually, I’d like to talk to Tamara.  I was hoping I could borrow your Jeep and go see her for lunch.”  Summer nodded.

“Be back by four.  That’ll give us enough time to get you to the airport for your flight.”

“No problem,” I answered.  Summer indicated where her keys were.  A little while later, showered, shaved, and dressed, I was once again headed to KitKat Lane.

I’d forgotten to call ahead and so had to hang out in the parlor while the house mom fetched Tamara.  Once again, the ladies present didn’t pay me more than minimal attention once they realized I wasn’t a potential client.  No one stared and no one avoided me.  The lack of attention, positive or negative, was a little startling.

Tamara gave me a huge hug when she arrived in the parlor.

“Good to see you, John!  What brings you here?”

“Can we talk?  Somewhere privately?”

“Sure.  Want to come back to my room?”

I nodded and followed her down the hall.  For the first time, Tamara’s room was a little bit of a mess.  Last night’s clothes hadn’t yet been put away and a textbook and several folders lay open on the desk.  I sat down on the bed and Tamara joined me.

“Yesterday I asked you why you’d arranged the orgy for me.” I asked.  “You said it was because of Billy.  What did you mean?”

“Billy’s my life, John.  I’ve told you that,” Tamara began.  Then she paused for a moment.

“You said that yesterday, but that it would take a while to explain,” I interjected.

“That true,” she replied.  “Can I start at the beginning?”

“Sure.”

Tamara smiled and took a deep breath before starting.

“I wouldn’t be working here if it weren’t for Billy.  I could be living in a small apartment with three other students, eating ramen noodles and working thirty hours a week at some minimum wage job.  I could get through school that way.  But this way I have a house and Billy can go to a good school.  I can feed him and clothe him and even get him some toys from time to time.  I’m home for him regularly and when I’m not, he’s with family and not stuck in some day care or after school program somewhere.  Yes, I like the sex, but I do this work for Billy.

“Billy has Down’s, John.  He’s never going to be an engineer or a doctor.  Sure, he’s very creative, but how is he going to support himself?  I want him to live a normal life.  I don’t want him institutionalized or spending the rest of his life living with his mother.

“And part of living a normal life is dating.  Right now he’s ten, and if he’s gotten interested in girls, he hasn’t said anything to me.”

“Not to me either,” I said.

“So when he does get interested in girls, and he gets rejected because of his Down’s, what do I tell him?  How do I tell him it’ll be all right?  Why should he believe his mother?”  She turned to me, a fierceness in her eyes.  A mama bear fierceness I’d seen before.

“That’s where you come in, John.  If things come out all right for you, why shouldn’t he believe me?  In fact, I probably don’t even have to say anything.  You’re his friend now, and he’ll see that on his own.”

“So you’re doing this so I’ll be a role model for Billy,” I stated.

“That was what I had in mind back in September,” she informed me.  “And it was your idea.  You’d spend time with Billy as his friend and I’d help you get comfortable around women.”  

“Well, you’ve certainly kept your end of the deal,” I remarked, a little bitter.

“It’s more than just a deal now, John.  You’ve become more than a role model for Billy; you’ve become his friend.  You’re my friend too.  I want my friends to be happy.”  She’d caught my tone and I could see the nervousness in her eyes.

I reluctantly nodded.  “It’s still pretty cold, though.  I wish you’d done it just for me.”

Tamara sighed.

“Sometimes people do things for more than one reason, John.  Sometimes some of those reasons are selfish.  That doesn’t mean that the other reasons aren’t valid too.”

“Yeah?”

Tamara snorted.  “You’re just as guilty of mixed motives as anyone else, John.  Our original deal was your idea, and I doubt you made it solely with Billy’s welfare in mind.”  I stared down at my shoes, a little embarrassed.  Then she drove it home.

“If I weren’t a physically beautiful woman you were hoping to sleep with again, would you have even bothered with Billy?”

That was too much!  I stood up and strode toward the door, before remembering I wasn’t supposed to be in the brothel halls alone, without an escort.  I turned and glared at Tamara.  Tamara’s face softened into sadness.

“I’m sorry, John.”  Tamara bit her lip, then continued.

“I thought you’d like the orgy.  Most guys would have loved it.  I thought it would be a fun way to help you realize that you’re really not as unattractive as you think.  That’s why I only invited women who’d spent some time talking with you the night before.  I wanted women that had gotten to know you at least a little as a person.”

“Wait a minute.  You didn’t arrange things with the women ahead of time?”

“No.  Other than Summer, of course.”  Tamara looked at me, confused.  “You were there when I suggested the orgy.”

“I . . . but . . . you mean . . .”  Words weren’t quite coming together coherently for me.

“I was relieved that Bambi was the only one that walked out,” Tamara continued.  “And Sherri . . . when she walked up to you, the look on your face was priceless.”  She gave me a small grin with that last sentence.  I just stared at her, open mouthed.

“You all weren’t acting?”

“Why should we?  Besides, you know me well enough to know if I was acting or not.”

I just stared at her as that sank in.  I pulled the chair out of her desk and sat down.

“It was real,” I muttered.

“Of course it was real.”

I shook my head and looked at her.

“Look, I admit that I wish you had done it just for me, without any mixed motivations or deals.  I would like to believe that we have a real friendship and not just a deal between us.”

“Then let’s drop the deal.”  

Startled, I lost my train of thought.

“No more deal,” Tamara continued.  “I’ll only do things for you because I want to and you only do things for Billy and me because you want to.”

“Can I still come over on Thursdays?”

“Of course you can!  But as a friend.  Just as a friend.”  I nodded in reply.  We sat for a moment and then Tamara motioned to the bed beside her.

“How about a hug for a friend?”

“Sure,” I replied.  I got up and then sat next to her.  She embraced me, and we held each other for quite some time.

“Look, I’m sorry for doubting you,” I finally said.

“That’s okay, John.  I’m sorry for sending you the mixed message about why I was doing it.”

“That’s okay.  I know that Billy comes first in your life.  And I can see how helping me also helps him.”

“I’m glad you can.  But still, I should do something special for you sometime.  Just for you.”

“I’d like that.”  Tamara just smiled at me in reply.

“Speaking of doing something special,” I continued, “how about if I take you to lunch?”

“Sure!  I’ll talk to Marvin.”

With that, we disentangled and she went to get permission to have an outdate.  Marvin was once again very understanding and I was able to take her to a steak and seafood restaurant in Carson City.  We talked and laughed and discussed menus for future Thursday evenings.  I caught myself smiling more than I’d ever expected.

After I returned Tamara to the brothel, I decided to not head directly back to Summer’s.  Since I had a couple of hours, I drove up to Lake Tahoe and found a place I could sit on the shore.  There, contemplating the clear deep water, I thought about everything that had happened during the trip.  I still wanted to doubt what had happened, but the side of me that wanted to believe was stronger than before.  I probably still had a long way to go, but there was hope now.  I liked having that hope.

Eventually it was time to leave.  Summer drove me to the airport.  Just outside of security, she stopped and hugged me.  We finished the hug with a friendly kiss.

“Thanks for coming out, John.” she said, smiling.

“Thanks for having me!”

“You’re welcome.  You’re also welcome to come back anytime.”  Summer got an impish look in her eyes.

 “You’re also welcome in my bed, as long as you’re single,” she teased.  “Or if you’re not single, you’re welcome if your girlfriend doesn’t mind.”  I laughed in disbelief.

“You’re assuming I’ll have a girlfriend.”

“You will,” she stated firmly.

“Really?  You interested?” I teased back.  Summer caught my tone and realized I wasn’t serious.  She looked up toward the ceiling, as if seriously considering my offer.  Then she turned and smiled at me.

“Nah.  It’d be fun but I don’t do monogamy very well.  You’d get jealous of me sleeping with other men.”  I nodded.  Maybe not jealous, but it would definitely feed my insecurities.

“Well, then you’ll just have to come out to Colorado and fuck me silly from time to time,” I said in mock seriousness.  Summer laughed.

“I’ll be out for Tamara’s graduation in May.  If you’re still single then, you’re on!”

We smiled at each other for a while.  Then Summer gave me another hug and another quick kiss.  We said our final goodbyes and I got in line to be x-rayed and otherwise inspected by airport security.  It was with a mixture of elation and sadness that I finally headed home.

That mixture continued for the next several days.  Work seemed boring and my house drab by comparison to my memories of Nevada.  Yet it also felt comforting, reassuring really.  Like it was familiar enough for me to catch my breath.

I noticed the biggest change almost a week later.  My stomach no longer tightened when I looked in the bathroom mirror to shave.  That was a pleasant surprise.

I received another pleasant surprise when the phone rang that evening.

“John?  This is Barb, Lynn’s classmate.  You came to the Christmas party at my house.”

“I remember.  What’s up?”

“Well, I’m having another party this Saturday and was hoping you’d come.”  That surprised me, but I realized I was flattered.

“Sure!  What’s the occasion?”

“Surviving midterms!  I figured it was better to throw a pre-graduation party now than compete with everyone else’s parties in May.”  I chuckled in appreciation of her logic.  “I’ve invited Lynn and you’ll know some of the people from Christmas.  Will you come?”

“I’ll be there!” I replied.  She gave me the logistics information and we hung up before the questions kicked in.  How did she get my phone number?  And why was she inviting me directly instead of asking Lynn to invite me?

Lynn provided the answer to the latter the following Thursday.  She gave me a deep hug at the door that lasted a little longer than the ones I’d gotten before Nevada.  She indicated that Billy was finishing up some homework, so I followed her into the kitchen and voiced my question.

“Barb left me a message about the party,” she answered, “and mentioned that she was going to invite you too.  By the time I had a chance to return her call, she’d already talked to you.”

“So you didn’t give her my number?”

“No.”  That set me back.  I played back my memories of my conversations with Barb.  I couldn’t remember ever giving her my number.

“She could have gotten it from information, I suppose . . .”

“You have a pretty common last name, John.  There must be a full page of Grants in the phone book.”

“True.  Do you think Angie would have . . .”  I trailed off, not quite wanting to think about the answer to that question.  Did I dare hope?

“Why not?” Lynn answered.  “Barb actually asked me about how you felt about Angie when I called her back.”

“Huh?”

“When I called Barb back to RSVP for the party and found out she’d already invited you, I asked if Angie was coming too, since they’re such good friends.  Barb said she hoped so.  She also hoped you’d give Angie a chance if she did come.”

“What??  She’s the one who doesn’t want to see me!”

“Actually, she said you could call in a few weeks,” Lynn reminded me.  “Anyway, I wasn’t happy with Barb’s comment either, so I grilled her a little.  It seems that Angie’s told Barb on more than one occasion that she thinks she made a mistake by ending things with you.  However, Angie’s also scared that you won’t forgive her for running out on you or leaving you that message.”

I nodded.  I could see that.

“I’m angry with her for that,” I began, “but I can forgive her.  So she makes mistakes and isn’t perfect.  Neither am I.”

“Mind if I pass that on?” Lynn asked.

“Pass what on?”

“That you can forgive Angie.”  I nodded in reply.  Then I sat, lost in my thoughts.

Sure, I could forgive Angie.  But did I want anything beyond that?  I still felt a pang inside when I thought of her.  Her smile, her cooking, the lovemaking.  All the memories brought a smile to my lips.  I wanted her, but . . . I couldn’t put my finger on what was nagging me, so I let it go.  I turned to Lynn once again.

“I’ve said she’s the best thing that ever happened to me,” I stated.  “Though what you did last week might top that.”  I grinned at Lynn who chuckled.

“Apples and oranges, John.”

“Oh, good!  That means I don’t have to choose between them!”  That brought a full laugh from Lynn.

Billy came out of the kitchen shortly after that, so we finished up by discussing logistics for Barb’s party.  After that, Billy and I retreated to his room for some serious playtime before I headed home.

That Saturday, it was just the two of us headed to the party, since Billy had gotten an invitation to a slumber party at Ralph’s house for the evening.  Lynn introduced me to the people in the living room and I was heartened to realize that I remembered a quarter of their names.  We were chatting with a woman from Lynn’s anatomy class when some new arrivals came through the door behind us.  Lynn flinched upon seeing them so I turned.  It was Greg, accompanied by two guys I didn’t know.

“Lynn!  Babe!  Good to see you!” Greg called out.  The three of them approached us.

“I’m really glad you’re here!” Greg said, the innuendo unmistakable.  He gave me only a quick glance before leering at Lynn.  “It wouldn’t be a party without you.”

“Good to see you, Greg,” Lynn responded, so coldly that I was sure Greg would have noticed.  He didn’t, though one of his wingmen looked puzzled.  “Since you’re such a gentleman, and all.”  Greg just continued his leer.

“Where’s the beer?” he asked.  Lynn’s classmate pointed toward the kitchen and Greg’s group pushed through the room toward the alcohol.  I looked at Lynn, who was frowning.

“Need a drink?” I asked.

“No,” she stated, staring after Greg.

“I do.  I’ll be back.”  Lynn nodded and with that I headed off in Greg’s wake.  I hung back just a little when I got to the kitchen door.  They didn’t notice me, being too busy getting their beers opened.

“What was that about?”  It was the suspicious wingman asking Greg a question.

“She’s a whore!” Greg replied.  “You can fuck her for two hundred bucks!”  I snorted.  It figured that the guy would quote a price that was a fraction of what he’d actually paid.

“No way!” his other wingman called.

“No joke!  She might be all goody-goody here, but she’s a slut when she gets the chance.”

“A slut’s not the same thing as a whore,” the suspicious wingman commented.

“I tell ya, she’s a whore.  A hooker.  She’ll fuck anyone who’s got a couple of bucks to spare.”

“And how do you know this?”

“I know.”  This didn’t seem to satisfy his suspicious friend, so Greg continued.  “A friend saw her in one of the brothels in Nevada.”

“You mean you saw her in the brothel.”

“Nah, I’d never go to a brothel.  I don’t need to pay for chicks!”

Just then, a woman slid by me on her way into the kitchen.  The guys promptly shut up.  I realized the woman was our hostess Barb.  I followed her in.  The guys said hello to Barb, barely acknowledged me, and headed back into the living room.

“Hi, John.  Glad you could make it,” Barb said, as we got our own beers.

“I appreciate the invite,” I replied.  Barb looked a little uncomfortable, like she was summoning the courage to say something, so I leaned back.

“Angie’s supposed to come too,” she told me.

“Oh?”  That wasn’t unexpected, of course.

“I hope that’s okay,” Barb rushed to say.

“It’s okay,” I reassured her.  “If it’s okay with Angie that I’m here, of course.”

“She knows I invited you.  I think she’ll come.”  I nodded in response.

“She’s talked about you a lot,” Barb said next.  “She really liked being with you.”

“I liked being with her.”

“Well, I think you were great for her, and I’d hate to see you guys not together because of stuff that you did before you met her.”

“Did she tell you what that stuff was?”

“No, but why should it matter?”

I let out a sigh of relief.  Angie wasn’t telling her friends that I’d seen prostitutes.  That secret was still safe.

“I can see why it mattered,” I replied.  “Particularly in how I told her.  I was too busy thinking about myself and my problems to think about how my words would affect her.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I was thoughtless,” I admitted.  “I said some stuff that hurt her, and even clarifying things later doesn’t change the fact that I messed up.  She might blame herself, but I blame me just as much.”

Barb gave me a rueful smile.

“Well I hope you two can patch things up,” she stated.

“Me too.”

Barb’s eyes glanced toward the door.  I realized that she’d have to do some circulation as part of her hostess duties.

“Shall we rejoin the party?” I asked.

“Sure.  And thanks for coming, John.”  I just smiled in return.

When Barb and I walked back into the living room, Greg was in one corner with a small group of guys clustered around him.  He was talking in hushed tones.  Lynn was engaged in a conversation on the other side of the room, pointedly ignoring the glances and stares her direction.  I walked over to her and handed her a beer.  The couple she was talking to spotted Barb and went over to her, leaving the two of us alone.  Lynn looked pained.

“He’s telling them, isn’t he?” she asked, never raising her tone, but her eyes full of fury.

“Sort of.  He’s telling them that a friend saw you in a brothel, but denying that he was there himself.”

“That bastard!”  she hissed through gritted teeth.

“What do you want to do?”

“The damage is done.  By Monday, everyone in school will know.  Fuck!”  I was startled with the vehemence of Lynn’s swearing.

“You can deal with Monday on Monday.  What do you want to do tonight?”

“I want to shut the bastard up!  But I can’t say anything!  If I say anything, it’ll just make things worse!”

“How?”

“I’ve still got a month until graduation, John!  I need to be able to work with my classmates, study with them.  I can’t have them shunning me!”

“They’ll shun you because of what you do?”

“Maybe.  But they’ll certainly shun me if I say anything!  I’ll be a whore and a bitch!”  Lynn’s eyes were fire and her body was tense.   Mama bear was back.  She just stared at me, the frustration and anger building.

Looking into her eyes, a solution hit me.  She couldn’t say anything, but I could.  It would cost, though.  But hadn’t I told Billy that sometimes one had to pay the price?

Billy would want me to do it.

I took a deep breath and began choosing my words.  I needed my language to be precise.  Lynn was still looking at me, her anger damped only a little.

“Let me,” I said.  “I’ll handle Greg.”  Lynn looked at me questioningly, but then gave a small nod of her head.  I turned and took one final deep breath.

I started walking over to Greg and the cluster of guys around him.  About halfway there, I spoke up.

“Hey Greg, I thought I recognized you from the brothel!”  I pitched my voice loud enough for the entire room to hear.  Greg and the guys around him stopped and stared at me.

“Yeah, I was there in the brothel when you came back from your session,” I continued.  “I used to think I was so ugly that the only way I could get laid was to pay for it.  Kind of funny to see someone like you with no obvious excuse there.”  Greg was starting to fluster, his eyes glancing around the rest of the partygoers, particularly the women, who were now all watching us.  I turned to address the room.

“Yeah, I call myself ‘The Ugly One.’  I thought I was too ugly for a woman to want me.  Well, Lynn showed me I was wrong.  Not until I had ruined the best thing to ever happen to me, unfortunately.”  I caught Barb’s eye with that last sentence and she nodded slightly.

“Of course, in the process, I had to start seeing that Lynn was more than her job.  She took it because she had to, in order pay for school.  That took a lot of courage and a lot of strength.  Particularly because she sometimes has to deal with guys who are jerks and assholes.  They come to the brothels because they see all women as whores and what’s the difference between buying her dinner and giving her cash?”  I turned to look Greg in the eye.

“So, Greg, why were you paying for sex?  Didn’t feel like buying any of the women here dinner?”  I swept my arm to indicate the entire room.  Several women were glaring at Greg and he noticed.  Former dates, probably.  That’s when I turned back to him.

“Or maybe it’s because you’re so bad in bed that only a hooker would fuck you more than once.”

“YOU ASSHOLE!”  Greg yelled.  He started to lunge forward, but the guys around him caught him and he was smart enough to not struggle.  His face was contorted and turning red and he was clearly trying to regain control of his temper.  I glanced over at Lynn, she mouthed “thank you.”  The room was still too quiet.  I glanced down at my glass and then up at the room.

“I think I need another drink,” I said to no one in particular.  Then I made my escape to the kitchen.  I could hear the conversation buzz starting behind me.

I stood at the refrigerator, shaking, for a little while.  I should probably get out of here, I realized, before Greg calmed down enough to find ways to get revenge.  I wondered what price Lynn and I would pay for that.  But I knew it was the right thing, and her whispered words confirmed it.

My mouth was cotton reduxe and I decided a drink would help.  Reaching toward the beer, I changed my mind at the last minute, grabbing a Coke instead.  I might have gone too far with that last comment and I would need my wits if Greg decided to retaliate.  Someone came up behind me.

“Hi.”  It was Angie.  Oh God, it was Angie.

“Hi.”

“I got here late, but not too late.  I heard what you said.”

“That I have paid for sex,” I acknowledged.

“And the other part,” she said.  I furrowed my brow.

“About ruining the best thing that had ever happened to you,” she clarified.

I nodded.  “You were.  I meant what I said on your voicemail.”

“I believe you now,” she replied.  I gave her a wan smile, which she returned.

“So Lynn’s your friend that’s the courtesan,” she said.

“Yes.  But we never did anything sexual together once you and I started going out.”

“I know.  I can’t see you two . . .well, I believe you.”

“Thanks.”  Angie started to look a little uncomfortable, like she had something left to say.  I let the silence stretch.

“Uh, John, when we went out--those times were pretty good for me too.  I don’t think I’ve had as much fun on a date with anyone else.”  Whoa.  I hadn’t expected that.  I brightened and smiled.

“We did have fun,” I commented.  Angie seemed relieved at my smile.  “I really liked being with you.”

“Me too.  Particularly kissing you.”  That brought genuine grins to both our faces.  We just sat for a moment, and then Angie took a deep breath.

“So, John, would you like to give it another shot?”

“It?”

“Us.”

“I’d love to.”  Angie let out a whoosh of breath and leaned back against the counter.  She still seemed a little nervous, but obviously a great weight had been lifted from her.  As it had from me.

There was some commotion from the other room, reminding me that Greg was still here.

“Um, look, Angie, I probably need to get going soon.  I pointed toward the other room with my head and she nodded in agreement.  “Can I call you tomorrow?  Maybe get together for coffee and talk then?”

“Please.”

I walked over to her and placed my hands along her sides.  She tilted her head up.

“May I?” I asked.  She nodded, smiling.

I bent my head and met her lips with my own.  It was a short kiss, light really.  Just a promise of things to come.

--fin--
© Copyright 2004.  All rights reserved.