"Soft Ball or My Best Position" by Taria (Taria29c@aol.com). Guest review by Cellist. Neither Fiddler nor Piper were available for this review, so Celeste turned it over to me, Cellist. The story is about a sexy young lady who plays second-base on a coed softball team. I have played second bass in the past, but now I play cello.
The story takes place in the romantic environment of a sweaty softball game. One day a sorta cute guy shows up as a substitute, but he wants to play second base, which position is already taken by the narrator, as I have said. His name is Mike Hunter, but with some modification of the name he hopes some day to become a short story writer of sorts. I guess I should stop beating around the bush and come out and say it: this is a parody of a Mike Hunt sex story. As a result of some incredible coincidences Mike and the young female baseball enthusiast have to shower together; and as fate would have it, they fuck their mutual brains out.
Fuck! Now there's an interesting word. It's a word redolent of baseball imagery. That's why Taria chose this scenario for her story. In a story about softball this word and its immediate derivatives can express any of the following:
| Greetings | How the fuck are you? |
| Immensity | Look at the size of that mother on first base. {fucker understood} |
| Insignificance | That little fucker can't hit for shit. |
| Dismay | Safe? The fuck he was! |
| Trouble | Well, I guess we're fucked now. |
| Aggression | Fuck you! {brings automatic ejection and a fine}. |
| Safety | Don't fuck with the big mother on first base. |
| Disgust | Fucking Celeste! This review is stupid! |
| Confusion | Where the fuck is the ball? |
| Synonym for "very" | This story is fucking good. |
| Difficulty | I don't understand this fucking game. |
| Despair | "Fucked Again by Celeste" by Mike Hunt. |
| Argumentation | You goddam motherfucking son-of-a-bitch cocksucker! {And I don't like you either!} |
| Fraud | I got fucked by the umpire on the third strike. |
| Incompetence | The umpire fucked up again. |
| Distraction | He was fucking with a fan behind the dugout. |
| Displeasure | What the fuck is going on here? |
| Disbelief | That was an unbefuckinglieveable call! |
| Disbelief, dismay, confusion, etc. | Fuck! What's my wife doing in this bar? |
| Inevitable defeat | We're fucked! {because the other team is fucking good!} |
| Retaliation | Up your fucking ass! {automatic ejection and fine}. |
| Paradoxical impossibility | The umpire can go fuck himself! {But how?} |
| Telling time | The game didn't start till 8-fucking-o'clock. |
| Physics | I can't hit the fucking curve ball. |
| Maternal instinct-- | Goddam motherfucker! {automatic ejection and fine}. |
| Sexuality | Holy fuck! Where did you learn to do that? |
Taria's best use of the F-word is her double-entendre reference to Mr. Hunter as a "pretty sneaky fuck." On the downside, her most serious faux pas was saying that Mike gave her cunt the two-finger Boy Scout salute: the Boy Scout use three fingers - ask a girl scout (obviously, because their salute is with three fingers also.) Taria doesn't write quite like Mike Hunt, but who does? This is both an excellent parody and a superb story in its own right.