"Minding Mike" by Paddy Toute (Paddy22@aol.com). Most local newspapers have a self-help column - "Hints for the Happy Homemaker" or "Tool Time" or something like that - what to do when an unusual problem occurs. Personally, I just use the World Wide Web, but I'm not sure what search words I'd use on the Excite Search Engine for the problem presented in this story. It's an ordinary problem. I have encountered it myself several times when I have been asked to baby-sit for a neighborhood teenager who has been in an accident and has to go to the bathroom but he can't get out of bed and his fingers are so thoroughly wrapped in bandages that he can't aim his own pecker into the bottle that he keeps under the bed for such emergencies. That's not the problem, of course: anyone who can think and chew gum at the same time can handle that part easily enough . The problem occurs when the helper helps the helpee put the penis inside the narrowing opening of the bottle but the helpee's little weenie for whatever reason becomes engorged with blood and increases in girth to the extent that it presses firmly against the sides of the bottle, thus inhibiting both intinction and removal. Now there's a problem that could easily get out of hand!

The nice thing about this story is that the author knows when to stop.