"Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).

This is a story about Jenny getting drilled. Literally. Well, not quite literally. Actually it's the Coke bottle that gets drilled. This is necessary, of course, because excessive thrusting has caused a vacuum that inhibits the natural removal of that flask from Jenny's vagina, where it had been serving one of the secondary purposes of Coke bottles, a purpose more typically served by a zucchini, a carrot, or an engorged phallus.

In other words, this story is about the sort of problem that a hormonally imbalanced teenager in high school would think about during a really boring physics lecture. Or a horny girl in a Catholic college for that matter.

This is really a nostalgic story. As the saying goes, "They don't make Coke bottles like that anymore." Modern coke bottles are made of plastic, typically holding two or three liters, and most American women don't even have metric vaginas.

Anyway, Jenny was masturbating with a Coke bottle, and simple laws of physics made it impossible for her to remove it; and now she is wandering around practically naked with the neighbor kids and the old guy next door watching, trying to find the right tool to remove the damned thing.

In case you're wondering - you know what you REALLY have to do if you get a Coke bottle stuck up your cunt - or up your ass, for that matter - don't you? You have to go to the hospital emergency room; and it's even more humiliating than wearing dirty underpants when you're in an automobile accident. Your mother may have been the one who warned you about the underpants; but the people at the hospital emergency room have all the good stories about Coke bottles, large salamis, and medium-sized rodents. I wouldn't kid you about things like this. The worst part is that nowadays the emergency ward janitor as likely as not will blab the whole thing all over the Internet, where your humiliation will come to the attention not only of your parents but even of the pope and whoever puts together the newsletter for your 25th-anniversary high-school reunion. You'll eventually wind up being the punchline in a joke that ends with, "Who's the person with the bottle up his/her ass/cunt standing next to the pope on the balcony?"

Just imagine how embarrassing it would be if you were in an accident with a Coke bottle up your cunt or ass! That's why this is labeled "a cautionary tale."

Come to think of it, this story presents a problem that could appear on one of those creativity tests: "Imagine that you have a Coke bottle up your cunt {just to make the gender bias work in favor of girls for a change}. Describe how you would remove it, using only items that are found in your house."

Fortunately, KY sterile lubricant is an item in my house, and I'll bet it would work. KY is useful not only for inserting things into tight places, but also for removing things from the aforesaid tight places. Once my daughter was trying to raise the seat on her bicycle, to no avail. I approached the bike with my tube of KY, liberally lubricated the pipe on the bottom of the seat, and yanked. Off came the seat! My daughter said, "Hey! I'll have to get some of that stuff some day." I said, "Yes, maybe you will."

My main criticism of the story is that it over-emphasizes metric measurement, as when the bottle emerges millimeter by millimeter. It would be better to use a more universally understood expression for a very small distance. For example, "The bottle barely moved the distance of a cunt hair."