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http://www.AlessandraSmile.com http://www.nambla.de
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Help for Writers
Dear holy joe,
I want to be a writer just like you. What should I do?
John in Bill (ings, MT)
Dear John,
I follow the dictum of Anthony Kennedy, which is that to become
successful, you must engage in modeling. No, you don�t have to take your
clothes off. What you do is find someone successful and famous (like me)
and then imitate him.
Now in my case you are in luck. As you know, I have recently started
selling my writing in pamphlet form for $1.00 a copy. But there�s more
good news too! Starting today, you can also buy my toilet paper.
I was thinking, �What can I offer people that is easily transportable,
and that can become a part of their lives, so they can become great like I
am?� Naturally I can�t offer you my home (a porta-potty at a construction
site) -- I�m busy living in it! And I can�t offer you my vacation home
either (a dumpster in the parking lot) I use that a lot too. But my toilet
paper, now there�s something that is easily used and then folded and
stamped and mailed, all for the low price of $1.00. (Foreign: Add $1.00,
U.S. funds drawn on a U.S. bank.)
Just like pre-washed jeans, my toilet paper comes pre-soiled.
Hopefully you won�t mind the smell as you use it on your ass. We must all
be willing to sacrifice a little comfort if we want to become great
writers!
If you�re short on cash, I�ll give you some free tips. (Hey, I�m that
kind of guy.)
I get my best ideas on the toilet. Some people get their best ideas in
the shower but mine come on the toilet. The longer it takes my shit to
come, the more ideas I get! My advice is to eat junk food that gives you
constipation. That way you�ll spend many hours on the toilet, like I do.
So now, hopefully, you�re wiping with the same toilet paper I use(d),
you�re sitting on an �idea factory� like I am (a toilet), and you�re eating
like me too (at Burger King). Things get even easier from here. What to
wear? Hey, I just throw on anything. The last time the Goodwill truck
came by to make a pickup I stole some clothes out of the back of it. As for
how I comb my hair, and things like that, don�t worry! I lost my last comb
two years ago. And shaving is something I only do when I�m planning to go
to the playground to look at little girls.
Which brings us to the next part, which is even easier than all the
rest: don�t have anything to do with women. They are poison to the
creative life of an artist like me. Do you think I�d be able to write
massive 300 page, multi-volume sex stories if I was �getting some�?
Fortunately by the time you�re done dressing, eating, and (not) shaving like
me, women will cross the street to avoid you. Then the doors are wide
open to having plenty of time to sit on the toilet and write-- there�s
nothing else to do!
As for money, people always worry about it, but I solved the problem
years ago. Do you remember my vacation home? Well, people throw money
into it! Not money per se, actual dollar bills, but the next best thing:
empty cans, bottles, paper, and even food! I practically live like a king,
with all that free food and easily-convertible �trash� being thrown in my
dumpster! Sometimes I think the recycling laws were passed just to keep
perverts, bums and artists like me on easy street. God bless America, and
our wonderful government!
So you see, a writer�s life is not as hard as people make it out to be.
With a little ingenuity you too can soon have two homes, free meals, free
money, and free girls (well, you have to go to the playground for those but
hopefully one isn�t too far away).
Now comes your last question: how do I create my bestselling books,
especially when I sit on the john all day and no ideas come? (Which
happens sometimes). The answer is Stephen King. Yes! (Don�t tell him,
though.) It�s easy to get his books, any used bookstore or library has them.
Just cut out the horror parts and replace them with sex! So, for instance,
Misery, about a woman dominating a man, becomes Mastery. A female
domination sex novel! Needful Things becomes Needful Thingies, about
two boys in Junior High on a sex-spree. The Shining becomes The Shitting,
for coprophiliacs (turd lovers). NIghtmares and Dreamscapes becomes NND
(just throw in an extra N and think up different, sexier words). The Stand
becomes The Hand, a story about masturbating. Carrie becomes Hairy, for
Nugget-magazine type-readers. The Dark Half becomes The Dark Shaft,
about a negro guy. And The Dead Zone becomes The Head Zone, about a girl
who gives blowjobs.
So there you have it! E-Z tips on how to be a writer. Don�t forget to
buy my pre-soiled toilet paper for only $1.00 (Foreign: Add $1.00 in U.S.
funds drawn on a U.S. bank).
30
Who wrote this? It is terrible to think that someone would publish
such untrue, blasphemous things about me on the Internet! Heck, it�s been
a whole week since I lived in a porta-potty. Now that I have my new job
at McDonald�s, they let me sleep in their bathroom at night. - h.j.
30excerpts below
get an agent mine is an fbi agent but at least he�s free reads my mail
30
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Copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller.