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Dear holy joe,
You�re obviously never going to make it as a writer. How do you
survive?
holy joe replies,
Sir. Your lack of esteem for my writing talent is astonishing. But I
will answer your question anyway. Compared to the frontiersmen who
settled this country, I consider myself to be living in the lap of luxury.
First of all, I have several homes. I probably have more than you do.
There is the Morganstern Building, that is going up on Fifth Avenue. They
have a portable toilet there. I sleep in it after the construction crews
have gone home. The other day I had diarrhea and then the flusher broke,
so I guess I might wait awhile before going back there (in more ways than
one), but it was time for a change of scenery anyway. So last night, I
found a new elementary school that is being built, up on Oak Ridge. They
have a toilet there too! So I slept in that one, wondering if any little girls
might be using it some time in the future. (Too bad I couldn�t install a
camera there!)
Now you might wonder, alright, he has a home and even a vacation
home where lots of little girls will be running around soon, but what about
food? Simple. We have Burger Kings here. What you do is you get a cup.
Did you ever notice that you can drink all you want at Burger King? I go
there in the morning and ask for a cup of water. They give me a little tiny
cup, so I can�t steal soda from them. But I�m smarter than they are. First
chance I get, I swipe a cup from somebody who�s finished with it. Then I
sit there all day, using his cup to partake of the bountiful waters of
Burger King.
Okay, okay, that�s the drink part, but what about the food? Ever
notice what you�re supposed to do with your meal when you�re finished
with it? You�re supposed to dump the remains in the trash. People hate
doing that. So I offer to do it for them. Except that before I actually get
to the trash can, I sit down and finish what they started. Do that several
times and you get quite full, belive me. Admittedly it�s probably the cause
of my diarrhea, but at least it gives me time to write.
Now you might wonder how a homeless bum like me manages to post
on the Internet. Do I own a computer? No, we have Kinko�s copies here.
There�s a guy who works the night shift who wants certain unavailable
items on the Internet (legally, I mean), but he�s too scared to get them
himself. So, using my knowledge of computers that I picked up at a
community college, I get him all he wants. Untraceably. And I get to sit
all night at Kinko�s, using their computer.
Transportation. Admittedly this is somewhat more difficult. Not
even truckers like giving lifts to a guy with flies swarming around him.
But did you ever notice how big those trucks are? It�s a long way from the
front of them to the back. Once I hitched a porta-potty to the back of a
truck and went all the way across the country! That�s when I had to figure
out what to do with the remains of my friend Lynn Hanson. But mostly I
use my two feet. That�s what God gave them to me for. I get free exercise
in the great outdoors, while you�re slaving away in some office.
Then there is my social life. We have playgrounds here.
You�re wondering about my sex life? We have Tower Books here too.
Some stores don�t let people �read� for free, but I found one that does.
Just walk up to the porno section, stick your hand in your pants, and start
rubbing. If you�re lucky, a cute little girl might even walk by!
Let�s see, I think I�ve covered everything. Oh, yes. Showers and
baths. Hey man, we�ve got a river here. If you don�t mind the sewer outlet
that flows into it, you can get pretty clean. I don�t like fishing (too
messy, with hooks and all), but if I did I could probably just sleep by the
river and fish all day. But I�m an urban man, I like being able to enjoy the
amenities of modern life, like Burger Kings and this computer.
Well, I hope I have helped you learn how to survive outside the rat
race of employment, if you should ever get up the guts to quit your job.
But you�ll probably just stay there for the rest of your life, chained by
your wage to your desk, a modern slave! In my case, I shall roam the
highways and byways, and who knows? Sometime during the day, if I get
diarrhea, you might see me shitting by the side of the road. Maybe your
daughter will see me too!
30
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