Dateline Washington:
December 25th, 2011

Secret Service agents reported the capture and arrest today of a
middle-aged intruder in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  The
suspect, tentatively identified as a Caucasian male of approximately 60
years of age, was taken to a District of Columbia police sub-station for
arraignment and booking.

He is listed in police records as S. Claus, a foreign national of
indeterminate origin.  Claus was wearing a red costume, in the color of
the international Communist movement.  The suspect is currently being
held in the Intensive Care Unit of Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland,
in an oxygen tent.  Claus is being treated for multiple bruises and
lacerations, along with a broken arm, a brain concussion, and multiple
contusions.  The arresting officers claim that minimal force was used to
subdue the suspect, but say that he slipped and fell on the ice while
entering the police car.

Claus had eight tiny reindeer with him, pulling a sleigh; animal rights
activists are investigating the possibility of bringing animal abuse
charges against him.  A spot check of major zoos around the country is
currently being conducted on the assumption that the reindeer had been
stolen.

The Federal Aviation Authority is filing charges against him; Claus
allegedly entered American air space without filing a flight plan.
Immigration and Naturalization officials have already begun deportation
proceedings, since entry into the country was unauthorized.

Claus had in his possession a large sack, filled with toys which could
be used to entice children.  He claimed that they were to be given away;
if so, he'll face District of Columbia charges for Operating an
Unlicensed Charity.

Police found motorcycle helmets and baseball bats in the sack, among
other items; these can be used to resist the lawful authority of
appointed officials, as was proved in the Watts riots some years back.

Claus had with him a list of boys and girls from around the world, which
the police consider to be strong evidence of pedophilia tendencies.  The
list was divided into two parts:  those who were "naughty" and those who
were "nice"; obviously a reference to the children whom he expected to
provide him with sexual favors.

Claus also referred to the President's daughter as a "Ho", not once but
three times, as in "Ho, ho, ho!"

In an interview with a Channel 5 news reporter, Claus put his finger
aside of his nose, in what was obviously intended to be an obscene
gesture, and sarcastically declared "Merry Christmas to All, and to All,
a Good Night!"


  
Arrested