Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Sophie
   What's this?  Just cutting through an alley, between back yards in the
neighborhood.  At first, I heard her splashing, and laughing in the kiddie
pool.  Cheap blue/green plastic thing, it's not like a poor neighborhood,
but mixed.  Old houses, some of them run down, and I could tell by the
color of her skin she was Mexican, or some other kind of Latina.  What
caught my eye was she was completely naked, except for her long black hair
slicked down over the deep tan bubbles of her bottom.  Splashing down to
sit, and splash the water with her hands.
   I never thought of myself like a child molester, but seeing her alone in
the yard.  I just wanted to get a closer look, but at first I just peaked
over the low fence, and watched.  Waiting for her to stand up again, but
where was her mother?  She really just left her alone, naked like this, in
broad daylight?  What if someone saw her, and decided to take advantage of
her?  But she didn't, just kept splashing the water, and it was a hot day.
Must do it a lot, because she didn't have any tan-lines, or anything.  Her
cute round cheeks the same color as her arms, chubby little arms, I
wondered how old she was, to be left alone like this.
   Her mother could come out any minute, or be watching from the windows,
or just look out and see me there.  Despite the danger, I tried to keep my
head low, but I couldn't look away.  I watched her, as long as I could, and
played with my hardon in my shorts.  Couldn't be much more than a baby, I
knew right away it was sick, looking at her.  Watching her, and getting
hard, but I couldn't stop.  I was hooked, right away, and before I knew it,
I was bursting in my shorts.  "Uh!" I guess that broke the spell, because
then I run off, ashamed of myself, but I couldn't stop thinking about it,
and I kept going back.  In the hopes she'd let her out again, to play in
the kiddy pool, naked again.  So I could see it, but I just had to close my
eyes.  Couldn't get the image out of my head, when I was trying to sleep.
So, I jerked off, thinking about it.  Remembering her wet little ass, and
wishing she turned around, so I could see the front.
   She did play in the yard, a lot.  She had brothers, and sisters, I
think. Or maybe older kids from the neighborhood, but I never saw her
mother, for weeks.  Or her naked, she had clothes on, and ran around with
the other kids, so I kept walking.  It must have been a fluke, being left
alone like that, and deciding to take off her clothes so they don't get
wet. Kids, they do that sometimes, but I just wanted to see her again. 
Good thing school was out, cause it was driving me nuts!  Jr High, so I
must've been 12, or 13, I forget what summer it was, but kind of pitiful.
For a first time, I'm ashamed to admit what happened, but I didn't know
what to do.  I certainly couldn't talk to anyone about it.  Peeping at a
little girl, little more than a baby, and jerking off, thinking about it.
   Before that, I guess it was just normal stuff.  You know, tits, porn, I
knew guys that could get porn, but it's not like we circle jerked.  I just
thought about it, or got some underwear adds to look at in the bathroom. 
Or drew, tits, but then.  I started drawing her.  Or girls like her, really
really little girls, naked, and spreading their legs so I can see their
pussies.  I still hadn't seen her pussy, so I didn't know what to draw.  I
drew my dick in there, to cover it up, but that was the hottest thing ever,
and I burst in my pants without even touching it.  I mean, I felt it, tight
in my underwear, but my hands were busy, drawing it.  That was so sick, and
then whenever I had a chance to jerk off, I just had to pull the picture
out.
   I didn't care if she didn't have titties.  We watched a movie, in a
friend's basement, and I didn't even get hard.  She had titties, and was
taking a big hard one from behind, so the flopped around, but that didn't
do it.  It wasn't what I wanted to see any more, it was kind of funny even,
how the other boys were all uncomfortable, or had to "Go to the bathroom."
Right.  Whatever, I watched the whole thing, and for the first time I saw
how stupid it really was.  Porn, nobody really talks like that, it's just
an excuse to get on with the fucking.  The problem with that is I have no
idea how they really do it.  Talk to a girl, so she wants to fuck.  Just
this stupid fantasy bullshit.
   Finally, she was alone.  In the back yard, playing with trucks, or
whatever.  "Hey," I got brave enough to say something through the fence.  I
was excited, now was my chance, and I wasn't going to pass it up.  To just
go back to thinking about it, like a loser.  I had to say something.  "Uh,"
doesn't matter if it's something smart.  She stopped, looked at me with
those big dark eyes, and let go of the dumptruck she was pouring dirt out
of.  "What happened to your pool?" It was broken, tore open on the sides by
the older kids, jumping on it, and cramming to many in.  Fighting, and
yelling at eachother in Spanish.  "You speak English?"
   "Pool." She pointed.  Cood, but she put her hands down, and got up so I
could see her underpants under her skirt.  Just a flash, but I was hard as
a nail, and gripped the top of her fence.
   "Yeah, pool broken."
   "Broke pool." She toddled over to the fence.  So I had to stand up, and
look down over it.  If it wasn't there, she would be right in front of my
hard little dick.  All right, it's not like I was a porn star, I can't even
say if it was small for my age, it's not like we whipped them out, and
measured them, or I looked at other boys, like that.  I'm not a fag.
   "Yeah," I nodded.  "It's a hot day, don't you feel hot?" I just wanted
to find a hole, and shoot through it in her cute little face.  "Where's
your mama?"
   She smiled, "Mama!" And pointed at the house.
   "Yeah, your mama lets you play by yourself, cause your a big girl, huh?"
She just looked up.  Her hands were filthy from playing in the dirt, and
her dress too, where she sat on it.  "Oh, look," I pointed, "Your clothes
are dirty.  You better take them off."
   She just looked at me, and what the hell was I saying?
   "Uh," stupid, "I'm Jeremy, what's your name?"
   "Thophy."
   "Sophie?" She nodded.  "Is that short for Sophia?" She blinked.  "You're
a very pretty girl, Sophie.  Did anyone ever tell you that?" She shook her
head.  "Well, you are.  A very pretty girl." Why is this so hard?  "You
like that?"
   "Thophie."
   "How old are you Sophie?  Are you three?  Four?  You look four, like a
big girl, not a little baby." I didn't know what to say, and not like she
cared, but at least I was talking to her.  "You want to play with me?" I
sure wanted to play with her.  I looked up at the house, but I got my arms
over the fence.  "Here," I flapped my hands at her, "Come play with me. 
Come on, it'll be fun!" She finally reached up, so I could grab her hands,
and pull her over.  She laughed, sort of.  I think it was a laugh, but I
just held her on my waist, and ran.  She kept laughing, so I guess she
liked it.
   I didn't know where to go, but I sure wasn't hanging around behind her
house to get caught.  Not doing what I was going to do, I knew what I
wanted to do.  I was going to molest her.  I didn't know if I was going to
get another chance, or go to jail, but I knew I had to do it, now when I
could.  I just had to think of a way to talk her into it.  Not like I
hadn't thought about it.  What to say, if I ever got the chance, but it was
too late now.  I done took her, I was a kidnapper at least, so might as
well go for broke.  Get some pussy out of it, instead of wasting my one
shot.  I didn't think I'd get a third chance.
   "I got to pee." I set her down.  Behind this garage, that stuck out the
fence, and the other fence across from it was high so they wouldn't see
over it, if I stayed down low.  Sophie was down low, she was so short, and
I was right.  Her face was right in front of my dick, but I lied.  I didn't
have to pee, and I was to hard to anyway.  She pointed right at it. 
"Yeah," I wagged it at her, "You like it?  It's my favorite toy, but you
can play with it, if you like." She touched it!  I almost burst right then,
but she didn't know how to jerk me off, of course.  She just kind of played
with it, like a stick, I guess.
   "Yeah," I was just so happy she was touching it.  She was finally
playing with it, and she liked it!  "Here," I took her fat little hands,
"Like this," and wrapped them up like a fist around it.  She just stared,
but grinned wide eyed while the skin slipped back and forth in our hands.
"Yeah, oh yeah.  Ngh, fuck!"
   "Phugh!"
   She blinked, then turned away from it bursting out, but I closed my
eyes, and just remembered the slimy mess, sticking to her face.
   "Uh!?" She grunted, and let go.
   "Huh, huh!" She wiped it out of her eyes, but I was done, and zipped up
my pants.  That was the best one ever!  But for once, I didn't want to
stop. I wanted to make the most of this one chance while I had it.  So,
"Eat it." I took her hands, "Go ahead, it's yummy, you'll like it."
   "Pee pee!" She made a face.  On my knees now, I held up her sticky
fingers, and licked them.
   "See?  Mm." I thought it would be gross.  "Mmh!" I sucked her fingers
good.  I was lying, but when I tasted it, it was the truth.  I did kinda
like it.  "Well, if you don't want it," I picked up her other hand, but she
tried it.  She touched it with her tongue first, but then she licked her
fingers, and sucked on them.  And smiled around it.  "You like it?" She
nodded.  "Yeah, toldja it was yummy." She kept nodding, and sucking her
fingers.  3 of them.
   That was so sexy, I just grabbed her skirt, and pulled the short little
dress up.  It's like I didn't even do it, it just happened, I was as
surprised as anyone.  But then I saw her fat little tummy, and dirty
underpants.  Not like pissy, or crappy, just from sitting in the dirt, but
my hands pulled them right down, and I saw it.  Her pussy, and it was the
most beautiful thing I ever seen.  She finished pulling her dress off, but
I just looked at her.  Her panties pulled down to her shoes, and held onto
her sides so she held still.  So I could really see it, and remember
exactly how it looked so I could draw it again later.  Then, my hands took
over again, and started touching her.
   I don't know how long, I just sat there in the dirt, watching my hands
touch her.  It stuck out a lot, I was surprised.  Her fat little pussy, I
didn't say anything, and she didn't say anything, but it was better then
jerking off with her hands.  I just touched her, and rubbed her, and pulled
her fat little pussy open to touch inside with my finger.  But I didn't
fuck it in, that time.  I don't know why, but I was happy just to sit
there, and feel how warm she was inside, and rub it back and forth.  Until
somebody yelled, and I saw some kids running up the alley.  I ran away, at
least I zipped up my pants before I got her naked, and started molesting
her, but I got away.
   It was stupid to go back.  I almost got caught the first time.  They saw
me, touching her naked in the alley, but I couldn't stop myself.  I was in
love, it made me crazy, and stupid, so I went back.  For another chance
just to see Sophie again.  I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd do if I
got another chance.  But of course, her mother wouldn't let her out alone
again, right?  Surely they told her, what happened.  And I told her my
name!?  How could I be so stupid?  The kids knew what I looked like too,
and what if they saw me?  They could call the police.
   But I deserved it.  I'm a child molestor, even if I only ever did it
that one time.  Just like stealing makes you a thief, or lying makes you a
liar.  I molested her, but she liked it.  She didn't cry or anything, and
she even liked my cum, so it's not like I hurt her.  Or scared her, she
probably forgot all about it anyway, but I hoped she didn't.  I hope she
remembers, her first time.  I'm glad she knows my name, so she can remember
it, when she thinks about me, and falls asleep to dream about me.  I think
she loves me too.
   ;
   Jeremy (Bg Nepi Mole, Rape, Snuf.)
   "Hey, Sophie." She turned around.  "Your mama let you out again?"
   "Mama." She turned back to point.  "Phugh."
   "What?" She toddled over to the fence.
   "Mama phugh.  Guillermo." She pointed, and nodded.
   "Fuck?" She nodded.  "Your mama is fucking, Guillermo?" I guess that
explained it.  I'm not racist, but Latinas.  I'm not going to say they all
cheated on their boyfriends, or husbands, but that's why she put Sophie out
in the yard.  To fuck her lover, so she wouldn't see it.  I guess, didn't
really talk to her about it, but that's the best I could figure.  "You
remember me?"
   "You fug."
   "Yeah, you want to go play with me, again?"
   "Go fug."
   "Yeah, come on." I pulled her over the fence, but this time, I carried
her back to the garage.  Instead of running, I walked so I could enjoy the
feel of her nice round butt in my hands.  "You remember my name, Sophia?"
She looked at me, shook her head.  "Jeremy.  Can you say Jeremy?"
   "Gewamy."
   "Yeah, I'm Jeremy." I didn't want to give her a fake name.  I decided, I
want her to love me, not some fake me.  Forget the risk, so what if she
says something?  I'm not the only Jeremy, there's lots of them, it's not
like that's enough to track me down, or I'm not risking everything by
coming back to the scene of the crime, but I have to.  "I love you,
Sophie."
   "I wove you do."
   "Oh!" I can't believe I never kissed her before.  I thought about it,
dreamed about it a lot, even before I molested her, or knew her name.  It
was messy, she wasn't a very good kisser, it was like a little girl kiss,
but I loved it, so much.  My first kiss, my first love.  I know she's
young, but I loved her, and she loved me.
   And I got the lock off the garage.  I don't think anybody lived there,
or if they did, they were gone during the day, but it was empty.  And
private, so nobody would catch us together this time.  "Pee pee." She
pointed, right away, as soon as I set her down.  It was a padlock, and I
didn't have any bolt-cutters for that, but the hinge was just screwed into
the side.  So, I just had to bring a screwdriver when I came back, which
was a lot.  "Lets get inside first." I pulled out the door, it folded up,
but not all the way.  I just pulled it out enough for her to go in the
side, and crawled in after her, then pulled it shut behind me.
   It was dark in there, but I didn't have to see her.  I just had to close
my eyes, I drew her pussy so many times, and her face was inside my
eyelids, forever after that.  The first time, smiling up at me, big brown
eyes wide, right before it burst out in her face.  But she liked it.  Her
first facial, her first taste of cum, and mine too.  I always ate it after
that.  And she asked for it, right away, the next chance she got.  I was
happy to give it to her, even if I couldn't really see it, but she sucked
me off.  I didn't even have to tell her to, I thought about it, but as soon
as I put her hands in my pants, she pulled it out, and then next thing I
felt was it going in her mouth.
   "Uh!" It just surprised me.  So much as soon as I felt that, it burst
right out, and she swallowed it.  I could tell, from feeling her little
pink tongue, pulling under it, sucking me dry.
   "Mm!" She nodded, and it flopped out.  "Yummy pee."
   "It's not pee," I told her, "Here, let me take your clothes off." Shorts
this time, but I got the button undone, and she pulled her shirt off all by
herself.  There was a little light, under the door, and a filthy window on
the side, but it wasn't real bright.  I turned her, and moved her over, so
I could see her naked, and helped her out of her shorts.  I had to take her
shoes off, but she squeezed her hands between her legs.  She touched
herself!  I was so happy, she learned to do that from me, and i know she
thought about me, touching herself.  Until I came back, she wanted me.  To
come back, and touch her again.
   I moved her hands, I did it this time.  It wasn't like the first time,
watching my hands molest her.  It was me, and she liked it.  I gave her
pleasure, and licked my fingers to get her wet, and "Here, lay down." I put
her clothes down, so she didn't have to lay naked in the dirt, but she
spread her soft fat smooth tan legs in the dark.  I couldn't see, shadowed
in the the light from the door, but I knew this was what I wanted to do, if
I ever got the chance.  I kissed her pussy, and slipped my tongue through
her fat soft smooth lips.  She didn't have a clit?  If she did,I couldn't
find it in the dark, but she giggled.  She laughed, and wiggled, while I
licked up and down.  I don't know if she cummed, or if a girl can, that
young.  I wanted to, get her off, but she liked it.  She really did. 
That's all I wanted to do, was make her feel good.  Get her off, like I
did, show her how much I love her.
   I didn't want to hurt her.  I never wanted to hurt her, but again, it
wasn't like me.  At all, I felt helpless this time.  I couldn't stop, as
soon as I felt my picky inside her, but she screamed.  Then it turned into
a nightmare.  "SHHH!" I covered her mouth, but she kept crying, and
screaming in my hand.  I should have stopped, I wanted to, but my finger
popped out, bloody.  Long enough to stick a bigger finger in her, and fuck
her with it, as hard as I could.
   What's wrong with me?  I raped her?  It's hard to believe, it's like a
nightmare, still just thinking about it, but as soon as she started
screaming, I got mad, and I couldn't stop.  I got hard again, raping her
with my fingers.  2 of them, I can't believe I got 2 in her in the first
place, but I was mad, I smelled blood, and I got hard again, hurting her.
Then I was inside her.  She was hot, and sticky, didn't even really feel
wet, but I didn't stop.  I couldn't stop, I raped her so hard, and I wished
it was over.  Like the first time she jerked me off, and sucked me off, or
whenever I burst in my pants watching her play in the pool, but it seemed
to go on forever.  She stopped struggling, and crying.  I think she passed
out, or I knocked her out?  I don't know.
   "Oh god." I stopped.  "What have I done?" I let go of her neck.  That's
when I knew, I realized I was choking her too late.  It was already over. I
just held her until I could stop crying.
   I never wanted that to happen.  I loved her, but now she was dead.  Now
I was worse then a molester, I was a raper, and a killer.  I belonged in
prison, but I didn't want to go.  So, I ran away, I dressed up her body
first, but I left her, like she was sleeping, on the dirt floor of the
garage.  She deserved better, but it's not like she deserved to die.  She
loved me, and I killed her.  I'm a monster, I cried the whole time, but by
then it was too late.
   I could never love again.
   Kayleigh (Gb NS Talk}
   There he is.  "Hey." He looks like he wants to run, but can't. 
"Georgie, right?" He always looks like that.  "Or do you prefer George?"
   "George is fine." I sat down, but he scooted away.
   "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you."
   "Of course not," he shook his head, but he wouldn't look at me.  Like
the other girls, he looks at them, but not when they're looking.  He looks
away, when they look back, but he doesn't look at me.  It's okay, I'm used
to it.  I know, I'm fat.  And you know?  I don't care.  Fuck you and your
body standards.  I could be skinny, and pretty, and for what?  For the 6th
graders to get all horndog, and follow me around, try to hit on me?  Fuck
that, I'd rather be fat, and left alone at least until high school.
   "You're scared of girls." Good.
   "No'm not."
   "And you're a shitty liar.  Here." I got out my compact.  Not like I use
it, they gave me one.  In class, passed them around, part of my
indoctrination into their consumer culture, but it had a Mirror.  And Mary
Kay on the back.  "I'm Kay." I rolled my eyes.  My mom, she's the worst.  I
guess I kept it to make her jealous, or whatever.  She's selling Avon, and
all.  Pre-teen shit, it's a boring life, got to do something.
   "So?" He looked away.
   "So, you're scared of me.  Don't try to hide it, because you can't.  I
was just wondering why your scared of girls so much?"
   "You're goth."
   I laughed, "No'm not?  Why, because I wear black?  It's just a color,
it's not like I listen to the Cure, or cut myself, and shit.  It's not an
excuse to be afraid of me."
   "Black's not a color, it's the absence of color."
   "Right," at least he's talking to me now, "Fine, whatever, but to be
honest I like it because it's low maintenance."
   "And it matches your hair."
   "Yeah, it matches everything.  Uh!  I guess it's a kind of protest
against the whole, Fashion plate, girl sexist bullshit they try to shove
down my throat.  What?" That, looked like, Terror?
   "Nothing," he looked away.
   I grinned, "Didn't look like nothing."
   "Fine, you want to know?" He got up.  "Come on, I'll tell you, but not
here."
   "Why not?"
   "It's a secret."
   "Ooh!" A mystery?  Turns out to be an interesting day, finally.
   All right, I hate my life.  I know, preteen angst, but it's boring.  I
don't have any friends, cause all they want to talk about is stupid
clothes, and makeup, and listen to shitty sappy pop music, and nothing
happens, and George is the closest thing to an interesting looking person,
I seen anyway.  I was just sick of nothing happening, and there was a
little mystery there.  I thought he was just afraid of girls, ever since we
started outgrowing them, and yeah I like being bigger then the boys too. 
So what?
   I had no idea how jucy it really was, though.  I hit the jackpot, I
really did.
   "You know, you remember, whenever they found that girl, in the garage
last year?"
   "The Mexican one?"
   "Well, I don't know if she was Mexican or not, but yeah."
   "Well, it was the only murder around her in forever, except for some
Gang shooting, so yeah.  I guess I followed it, why?"
   "What would you say if I told you I know what happened to her?"
   "I don't know, are you saying you do?" He looked away, but he nodded. 
Now, I'm not going to tell you where we had this conversation, because it's
private.  The place, I mean, we started going there after that, to be
alone, because we could be alone there.  And I don't want it to blow up, so
somewhere, that's really all you need to know.  Someplace private, where we
could talk, at first.
   "I knew him, the guy that killed her.  He was an older boy, and he used
to hang out with my brother."
   "Oh?" A murderer?  Now it was getting interesting.  It's not like I'm
into death, told you I'm not Goth or anything, but murders kind of
fascinated me, a little.  I mean, what makes someone do that?  I guess it's
the mystery, I'm a mystery girl.  It's interesting.
   "Yeah, he was a pervert, a child molestor.  I guess he, told Jerry about
it, and that's why he went crazy."
   "Who's Jerry, your brother?"
   "You didn't hear about him?" I shook my head.  "I thought everyone was
still talking about that, but yeah.  He, uh.  He went crazy, and tried to
kill himself.  He's still in the hospital, everyone talked about it."
   "Well, I don't have any friends, so.  I don't really listen to their
stupid gossip, either."
   "Because you're creepy."
   "Okay, yeah.  Because I'm creepy." So what?  "They call me Wednesday,
like I look anything like Wednesday, I don't even like those movies, but
you know you're a little creepy too?"
   "Yeah?"
   "Yeah, you should hear what they say about you too."
   "I thought you didn't listen to them."
   "Well, I try not to.  You know how it is, they talk whether you're
listening or not.  Not like I eavesdrop on them, but yeah." I have to pee,
and sometimes they keep talking when they go in the girls room, and don't
think I'm there.  Or whatever.
   "Well, what do they say about me?"
   "You know, pretty much the same thing.  They think you're creepy, too. I
guess they don't know what to think, but they're a little scared of you. 
Too."
   "Really?'
   "Yeah, you sure do stare at them a lot."
   "All the boys do."
   "Yeah, hormones, but the way you do it, it's kinda creepier then them."
   "Oh," he looked down.  "Sorry."
   "S'okay," I tried to hug him, but he squirmed away.  "I like it."
   "Why?"
   "It freaks out the other girls," honestly, "And anything that freaks
them out is great, to me."
   "Oh."
   ;
   George (b Solo Fant Reluctant)
   At least I have someone to talk to about it?  Honestly, it's gone
through my mind so many times, I don't think I can figure it out myself at
this point, and I guess she's into it because she's Goth.  Yeah, I know she
says she isn't, but they all say that.  Like there's anything wrong with
that, but it's nice to talk about that too.  Something else, anything
besides what I've been thinking about nonstop for over a year now.
   "Why you don't hang out with them?"
   "Yeah, well as much as they try to be different, and all," she looked
over at the, coven, I guess.  "It's still basically the same thing. 
Fashion, a clique, Black is the new Pink, instead of Pink is the new Black,
but it's not really any more new, or creative to do the opposite of what
everyone else is doing, then follow them along." She doesn't really dress
like them, either.  Just a black teeshirt, really, she doesn't dye her
hair, or wear all that jewelry, I think it's as much to avoid attention as
anything else.
   And I don't know if she really likes me, or, you know.  We're friends,
real friends, maybe even best friends, but that's not what the kids say. 
"Oh look, the freaks are going out." Scoff.  I don't know how to feel about
that, one way or the other, I mean I like her, but I can't say I really
want to.  Go out with her, romantically.
   Which is weirdly normal.  I feel more normal, worrying about normal
preteen things, like if my opposite sex best friend is like my girlfriend,
or if we're just friends and she's a girl, because she's not like the other
girls, and it's just fucking impossible to avoid cliche's writing about
this stuff, huh?
   So yeah, as much as she tries not to be that girl, she's that girl.  The
freak, with no excuse other than she hates the sexist stereotypes, so she
tries a little too hard not to be like the other girls, and I'm okay with
that.  It's not her, body.  They call her fat, but really she's not skinny
like them, she doesn't wear makeup like them, or talk about stupid stuff
like them, so they have to shame her.  Make an example of her, "Don't be
like that, or you'll never get a husband.  Uh!" She rolls her eyes, "Like
my mom, no I don't hate my mom, or my sister, or all her friends for being
popular, and pretty, and getting rides home with her senior boyfriend with
the car, but I just.  Uh!  See through all this, artificial bullshit!  Like
this," she pulls out her shirt, "We're not born with clothes on, we're
people, we fart, and piss, and shit.  We have bodyhair, and fat, and
pimples, and covering it up doesn't change any of that.  'just be yourself,
here, maybe just a little more mascara.' No, fuck that!  It's stupid, I
don't want any of that."
   Which begged the question.
   "I don't know, I'm 10?  Huh!  I guess, I know what I don't want.  All
this negativity is probably holding me back, but I know what I don't want.
I'm going to have to work, to avoid the catch 22 of landing a man to call
me 'high maintenance' for needing the makeup, and rediculous clothes I
needed to get the man in the first place."
   "But like, a cop, right?" I guess, she really likes crime.
   "I don't know," she thought, "Maybe?  Yeah, I guess.  I mean if ever
there was a sexist system it's the boys in blue, but maybe a detective, or
historian, or mystery writer, or something?" She hugged me.  Sideways,
sitting next to me on the bus bench.  City bus, decided to hang out after
school, and she wanted to see what I could show her.  "Serial killer,
criminal mastermind, or whatever." She joked.
   "So, you're really into Serial Killers," specifically, "Then?"
   "Among other things," she nodded, "Because, you know.  They're like the
ultimate?  Huh!" she took a breath, "I don't know, it's like the range of
human emotion.  There's normal, then, the other end of the spectrum, I
guess."
   "But, they kill people?"
   "So?  People die, everyone dies, it's like nipples, or sweat.  Something
people try not to think about but it's not like every single death is a
tragedy.  It's popular, everyone's doing it!" I laughed with her, she's
just so outrageous, her sense of humor.  Yeah, it's dark I guess, but it's
not like a black guy joking about racism.  I know it's a big deal and all,
but isn't Comedy supposed to be about Surprise?  I read that, somewhere. 
They did a study about it, but if it's supposed to be a surprise, the
punchline, then isn't it kind of predictable?  I'm white, dare I even say
Racist, but all black comics joke about Racism, gay ones about homophobia,
females, and lesbians about sexism...
   At what point are we, white men, laughing at Trevor Noah joking about
racism because we're uncomfortable about it.
   So sure, Murder.  Hahahahah!  Didn't see that coming!  "What?"
   "Just hit a little close to home," I got up, "I guess."
   "This your stop?"
   "I don't mind a little extra walk." And I was sick of not talking about
it.
   Kay (Gb NS Talk.  Sorry folks, hope you got off, or found what you're
looking for in the background story.  This is brainbleach, for me.)
   "So, your brother killed her." He told me, I suspected, something.  Not
that, just that he wasn't telling me the whole story, but not the kind of
thing you just blurt out on a public bus.
   "Yeah, and I just, can't."
   "What?"
   "I don't know, I just can't."
   "Understand it?  I don't think anyone can, you'd have to be a crazy
serial killer to understand a crazy ser'.  Sorry.  Huh, I don't guess, your
brother.  Well, just the one time, but.  You think, he could do it again?"
   "He did, I wish, I could talk to him."
   "But he's still locked up."
   "Well, yeah.  I can visit him, but how do you, even."
   "Yeah, well maybe we can figure it out.  Some, do you have any
evidence?"
   "I got rid of it," he shook his head.
   "What?"
   "He wrote about it.  And, drew pictures."
   "That bad?"
   "He.  Abused himself."
   "You mean masturbation.  That's not."
   "No, I mean he abused himself.  I still don't know if he was trying to
die, or just punish himself, but I saved his life."
   "Really?"
   "Yeah, uhm." He stopped.  In front of a stoop, or the gate to it.  "My
parents are probably home so."
   "Well, nice meeting you."
   "No!" He reached for me!?  "Uh, no, I mean, we can probably talk about
this, upstairs in my room, but.  You know, they don't know."
   "That he tried to kill himself?"
   "No, I mean why.  They sure don't know, about." He lowered his voice,
"Sophie."
   So yeah, hey mom.  This is Kayleigh, hi, we're going to go up and do
homework in his room, bla bla bla.  Skip!
   "So," I got out a notebook, "Let's start out with what we know." Since
he got rid of the notes, and pictures.  "First, how did he, do it."
   "He strangled her." He started crying, so I waited.
   ...
   "Uh!  Snh.  Then he hanged himself, and.  Uh!" He didn't have to finish
that, he already told me.
   "With what?"
   "His belt."
   "In the closet, or the shower curtain?"
   "In the window.  Uh," he got up, wiping his eyes, and showed me.  "He
pulled down the top, and stuck the end up here, then closed it."
   "So, on his bed."
   "Yeah, he had his own room."
   "Here?"
   "Yeahbut.  Huh, I don't want to go in there.  Yet."
   "I understand," I patted his shoulder, "It's okay, take your time." He
kind of, curled up in my shirt, so I had to hug him for a while.
   Then he got up, pulled out a hiding space, and showed me.  "I thought
you got rid of the notes."
   "I did," he handed me the folded up notebook paper, "These are mine."
   Turns out he couldn't talk about it, but he could write about it.
   George (b Mono NS Porn)
   I didn't know.  What to think, I mean sure he was real sad lately, and I
was only 8.  I sure had no idea it had anything to do with that girl they
found in the news.  It happened to be around the time Jerry started feeling
down, and stopped hanging around with his friends, there was just no reason
to put the 2 together.  Mom and dad figured it was because of High School,
he was a freshman then, but I tried to talk to him about it.  He just
kicked me out of his room.  We both had our own, on account of not having
any sisters, or another brother, and he stopped playing with me for years
before that when he got his own friends.  Sure, I knew about the dirty
magazines, and the movies, I saw them watching one through the window once,
and I knew he was jerking of.
   I just had no way to know how horrible it really was until I found him.
After school, he came home first, so when I got off the bus, the house was
quiet, and I checked to see if he was in his room.  He didn't wake up, he
started breathing when I took the belt off his neck, but I was scared, and
I couldn't wake him up, and I didn't know what to do.  I hid the papers,
before mom and dad got home, and took him to the hospital.  I didn't get to
see him, or talk to him on the phone for a long time after that, so I only
had one way to try to figure out what happened.
   I'm still not sure if it was suicidal, like they said, or he was.  Well,
now I can say auto-erotic asphyxiation, but at the time, I had no concept
of anything like that.  He hanged himself, I know that, but the letter
wasn't like a suicide note.  He didn't say goodbye, or anything about
killing himself, it was more like a confession, really, but all the nasty
pictures he drew.  I'd seen porn before, a little, naked people, so what?
But this was different, it was sick, and not just because it was all little
girls and impossible huge penises.  It was cruel, strangling her, with his
hands, and this weird contraption to hang her on top of him, and it was
him. I could tell, even though he hanged himself, in the pictures.
   Sophia, that was her name.  They didn't say it in the news, called her a
Jane Doe, her family didn't even report her missing, so I can guess they
might be illegal, or whatever, but reading the story, I'm pretty sure she
was the body they found in a garage, I remember on the news, you could see
the alley, and the door up for the police to go in and out.  I clearly
remember the truck full of dogs, that found her.  By the smell, then they
had to lock them up to get the body out, but I felt sorry for them.  The
dogs, getting locked up, and barking, that's what reminded me.
   He killed her.  I wanted to hate him, but he was my brother.  I love
him, but how do you deal with that?  The last time I saw him, his neck was
purple from the belt, and I even had to untye the string around his
privates before I closed up his pants, so mom and dad wouldn't see it.  I
thought, maybe if I read what he wrote it might help me understand, but it
just made it worse.  I got more questions instead of answers.  Now it
wasn't why he hanged himself, but why did he stalk a little Spanish girl,
rape her, and kill her like that.  He said he couldn't stop himself, but he
also said he loved her?  How do you love a little girl?  I didn't see her,
they didn't even show the body bag on the news, just the garage, and the
alley, but even he said she was little more then a baby, and could barely
talk.  How do you fall in love with a child, that can barely talk, then
rape and strangle her?
   I was already having nitemares, about Jerry hanging himself.  Only dying
this time, and not getting there in time to save him.  Or mom, seeing him
like that, and his privates tied up so tight they swelled and turned red.
He was hard, when I found him.  He even had a little leaking out, on the
pillow with the belt stuck in the top of the window.  And now, I could just
imagine him in the hospital, like a jail only worse with all those crazy
people.  Like him, I guess he's crazy too, like that makes it any easier to
understand.  I sure don't have anyone to talk to about it, so I have to
keep the secret.
   I guess at least I have an excuse for getting sad.  Too, my brother
tried to kill himself, and went to the crazy house, so he doesn't try it
again.  Or even worse, find another girl, and do that again.  He belongs
there, I know that, but it doesn't make me miss him any less, and it would
hurt mom so much if I could even tell her about it, ask her about it, like
she'd be able to know any better then me.  Or dad, maybe, but even if he
can.  He went through that, right?  Would I want to know?  If he ever felt
like that, would I want to hear from him, that he was tempted, or thought
about, doing anything like that too?
   Could I?  I mean, not think about it, I can't help it now, I never
should have read it in the first place, and I flushed it down the toilet,
but it's to late, I read it.  Enough times, I could probably write it again
from memory.
   Oh my god, I couldn't stop!  Reading it, over and over.  It was so
horrible, but I couldn't stop!
   What happens then?  When I start growing up, the girls in class are
already starting to.  A little, I guess.  Some of them.  It's not like I'm
looking, but I see them almost every day, and, dear god what could I do to
them?  It's okay, it's normal to avoid girls now, most of the boys are
saying "Ew, girls," but.
   At least it's not, you know.  Little girls.  It's normal, right? 
Looking at girls my age.  Even if the other boys aren't yet, it's not like
I would hurt them, if I got the chance.  Not like, he ever thought about
hurting her, until she was already dead.
   I don't know, I'm so confused, and there's no way I can talk to anyone
about it.
  
Chances (Bg Rape Snuf...)