Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 (FM Edge...)
   All right, this one's deliberately slow and teasing, for obvious
reasons. EsSensually what it's about, I actually cut out a lot of the
non-sexual romantic getting to know eachother for pacing, so this is all
just basically the sexual/erotic content:
   Leitmotif: Art of Noise - Close (to the Edit) Extended Remix.  Singles:
AKA "Close Up" or "Closely Closely (Enough's Enough)" on some pressings. 
Actually quite a few different versions, it's early experimental electronic
music, so it's got probably tens of different remixes.  I'm not going to
interrupt the narrative to switch tracks.  As a recurring theme, I've just
got a playlist on random while I write...
:
   Dnice {fm Porn Auto Anal Edge}
To: Edgar@Autolove.org
Subject: Anal Displacement video.
First of all, let me say I love your whole series, it's very
instructional, and far and away the most visible of the kind I have seen on
this site.  Most jackoff vids cover up too much, and end too quickly, but
I've been having trouble with the technique in the anal displacement video.
I tried it, it just doesn't work.  I get off on it instead, and while it's
mindblowing, it doesn't really compare to the all-day build-up cycle I
learned from your other articles, and videos.  Am I doing it wrong?  Should
I do it sooner?  Even letting go completely doesn't stop the climax, though
I have been doing it as a "Quicky" when I don't have time to build up all
day, or when I am too busy.
   Again, thank you for the excellent quality of your series, I see why
they made you an admin on this site, and you inspired me to trying it in
the first place.  I look forward to your response.]
[To: Dnice@...
I have to admit, I don't have much experience with women, much less have
I tried the specific method in question with any.  Have you had any luck
since you sent your message?  I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you,
but as the site owner (Not just an admin) I get a lot of messages, so it
took a while to get to yours.  I saved it, after clearing some of the more
easily dealt with administrative tasks so that I could devote more
attention to it.
   First of all, how do you masturbate?  Specifically how you build up to
denial, and cooldown between sessions?  Also, how do you finally release,
and tell that you have built up enough?  I'm sorry if these questions are
too forward and personal, but I need this information to properly answer
your question.  I'm also discussing it with some of the other women on this
site.  To see if they can help with input, but I'm not referring to you by
name, just as "A member" for privacy.]
[To: Edgar
Well, I've tried everything I could think of, in different combinations,
but lately took to saving the anal penetration to trigger release.  I must
say, that's a great improvement in intensity.  I also found that pure
clitoral is the best way to go with your method.  I start out with just
exterior touching, the pubes, and rubbing through them to get him out.  I
call my little man in the boat "him," but because this is denial, I tease
him as much as possible if I have the time.  Then, I slip a couple fingers
in between, but just tease my opening, and hold my thumb down in my pubes.
Or sometimes fingers from my other hand, but still.  Not moving them is
very important to keep him hard without climaxing, but my fingers in
between also keep my lips from touching eachother, or the hood.
   I continue this until I become wet, and it's a great way to do it, as
I'm building up tension.  Here's where I start running into difficulty:
It's not easy to reach front and back at the same time, so I stop, and turn
over for the next part.  Vibing, I recently got a powerful massager with a
head that is too large for penetration, but with a pillow I can rest most
of my weight on my pubes.  This stimulates me deeply, but indirectly, and
leaves my hands free to reach back.  With lubricant, I tried dipping it out
of myself, but it's difficult, and takes too long to get enough without
penetrating, so I get off first.  So, I started buying lube, and that's
also helped a lot.
   The real problem lately has been disengaging, and penetrating to turn
myself back off, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.  Since I turned 18
(And joined the site, though I must admit to lurking before I could verify
it.) access to the sex shop has also really helped.  In addition to the
massager, which I got from a medical supply store, I've added a buttplug to
my collection, which really helps the cooldown by your method.  I measured
it, the circumference is 5 1/2" around, but just the tip helps to displace
the stimulation from the front to back.
   As for how I build up to release, that's mostly to do with why I got
into edging in the first place.  I suffer from Insomnia, and I read
somewhere that Orgasm may help with relaxing to fall asleep.  That led me
to information on masturbation, but unfortunately that's mostly
pornography. One of the few resources which has helped is yours.  Again,
thank you for providing this information, it's unfortunate that it has to
be age restricted, because it really could have helped a couple years ago
when my grades began to suffer.  However, with your techniques, I can wake
up early, enough to get a session in before getting up, then several more
throughout the day.
   Not that I carry the massager, and buttplug with me all day, those seem
to be best in bed.  The bathroom sessions are mostly to build up tension
teasing with fingers, and I really don't get even that close to the edge.
So, I start the day right, then reapply the tension in restrooms when I
need to, and can get the break.  Finally, I release as described, though
there are a few things I don't really know how to put into words.  So,
here's a couple attached videos I made today, of the morning session, and
now the goodnight session I'll attach and send right before I pass out. 
Would you like a mid-day bathroom maintenence session for reference as
well? I think I might be able to set up my phone somehow to capture it. 
(Without dropping it in the toilet.)
   Again, thank you, so much for everything you've done.  You've changed my
life, truly.  Without this information, I never would be able to graduate,
but with a little luck on my finals, I will probably be able to go to
college this fall.]
[Dnice:
Glad to hear it, and the videos truly helped.  Have you tried a more
upright position?  I see what you mean about the pillow, it helps you get
the depth you need in the mattress, but this may also be causing your
difficulty.  I have a similar buttplug, specifically in the flat base, so
if you have access to woodworking tools, what I suggest is taping or
otherwise attaching it to a baseboard, (Cut to a comfortable size and
shape, I suggest sanding down all edges.) So, you can kneel in bed, and use
your bodyweight for the penetration.  This leaves your hands free to
operate the massager, for speed, position, and depth of stimulation.
   If you don't mind me asking, are you an athlete, and/or do you have some
sort of medical condition that limits your growth?  I couldn't help but
notice your musculature, and relative underdevelopment, despite age
verification.  Not that I believe you faked your age, but I must say you
don't look 18.]
   [Edgar
   Yes!  My god you're right I was totally doing it backwards.  I
originally tried that position so I could pass out in bed, but this morning
I tried it upright as you suggested.  The extra control over the massager
made it so much easier to buildup more slowly, and as a bonus I just had to
drop it, and relax onto the point of the buttplug.  That did it, so well, I
just had to write this quickly while it's fresh in my head, and the
demo-video uploads.  I have to get ready for school soon, but in answer to
your question, I am a gymnast, and still close to my Competition weight
from participating in the State Finals.  That's why I'm so athletic, and my
coach suggested delaying puberty through diet so that I could maintain my
petite size.  It helps with rotations, in flips the shorter frame makes my
mass more centered, so I turn faster, and also makes it easier to get
higher with areal moves.
   TTYL, GTG.]
   [Dnice
   That certainly explains it, and I hope you don't mind getting aroused
from your videos?  I have to ask, because I see pornography as
objectifying, and that wasn't the original intent of the exchange. 
Fortunately, I'm literally writing the book on sexual self denial, so I
resisted the urge to do anything about it with the image fresh in my head.
Glad I could help.]
   [Edgar
   Oh god no!  I love the idea of you getting aroused, watching me.  I'd
love to think that you even get release, thinking about it, and I have to
admit I have.  Watching and remembering your videos, is the most erotic
thing I can think of, and I got release last night.
   Well, actually I have a question for you now.  How cum you don't post
any videos of release?  I'd love to see it, and just the thought of seeing
it, was the most powerful one I've gotten so far.  I didn't even touch my
anus, just watched your video to get aroused, and rode the Hitachi to a
knockout.  It literally knocked me out, I woke up with it still buzzing
away under me, and had to turn it off in the middle of the night, but all I
could think of is your prostate milk, seeing that, and I dreamed of
watching you ejaculate, fully, for real.  Not just on the internet, but
meeting you, and watching you deny yourself until you get release.  That
would be the most incredible experience of my life!]
   [Dnice
   I'm sorry, but I am not comfortable with the idea of people, looking at
me like that.  That is why I don't post videos of release, I can't achieve
it with someone watching me, even my webcam.  It's all right, you didn't
know, but now I must say please stop.  It makes me extremely uncomfortable,
and just the thought of it denied me the edge trying to build up tension
myself.  If this persists, I'm going to have to stop reading your messages,
and responding to you, I already had to remove my videos from the website
for my own sexual health.]
   ...
   [All right, I must apologize.  You didn't know, I hinted at it, but mine
isn't a common sexual disorder.  So, I unfairly blamed you for ignoring it,
because I was triggered.  I had a bad experience as a child, with a
pornographer who forced me to play with myself, and threatened to show my
parents the pictures if I told anyone.  Your message accidentally triggered
those memories, and that prevented an intensifying session before it
started.  Now I just feel guilty, for making the advance, then getting
upset when you returned it.  I guess I wasn't expecting you to be so
enthusiastic because of denial.
   TBPH, once I calmed down, I thought about the other part.  The IRL part,
and the idea of meeting you, personally, I accidentally climaxed.  I felt
like I got your problem, even the anal penetration just made it feel
better. So, I reposted the instructional videos, and celebrated by
uploading the first climax, ever on camera.  Here's a sneak peek:]
[Edgar:
OMFG!  The video of you ejaculating, despite trying to stop it, thinking
of me!  I did the same thing, tried to stop it, but that just made it
happen anyway, and then the buttplug went all the way in so I snapped shut
over it.  God, I have never climaxed that hard before, and so long, I
didn't even drop the hitachi, just held it on until it hurt.  It was first
thing this morning, and I was almost late, but I'm still so satisfied from
this, I'm using this break to write you instead of build up tension.  Now I
can't think about anything else, it's distracting, but fortunately I can
retake that final, and I'm on a half day so I can go home and start over.
   I can't wait, but looking through my options for college in fall, I bet
there is a school near you, I can visit, and see you while I'm there.  My
father already said there's enough extra in the fund for tickets, so I'll
be visiting schools this summer once I have a short-list of 5 selected. 
So, name the school, and I'll start arrangements.  Also, congratulations. I
can't imagine what that would be like, what happened to you, and I hope he
rots in hell for doing it to you.  However, I hope this breakthrough helps
you get past it, and finally enjoy sex with someone to watch it.  I can
only hope that someone is me.
Love:
   Dnice]
[Dnice:
Wow, okay?  I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, yet, but with what
happened last time, let me think about it?]
   ...
   [All right, I reread your offer, and firstly: My abuser was a woman, my
aunt, which is why she was able to threaten me with the pictures.  And yes,
she is in jail.  I told the police once I realized that they were evidence,
and exposing her for it would make her stop.
   I'll tell you what, you may be right.  I originally started taping
myself to get more comfortable with a camera watching, and that's what led
to me discovering denial.  I couldn't get off, without turning the camera
away, but then when I did it was the most powerful up to that point.  Then,
sharing my experience eventually led to being comfortable enough to
actually let anyone see the videos.
   So, being able to climax on camera, much less post the video the same
day is a good sign, however I don't want to get ahead of myself at the risk
of another traumatic experience.  That being said, I may be ready to try
moving onto the next step, which as I see it is live voyeurism.  I've never
edged myself with someone watching live, and over the past few weeks. 
Well, I never had anyone I felt comfortable knowing they personally watched
me, and you are the first I've even considered asking, but if you give me a
time, I would like to try camming with you later.
   No promises that I will even get aroused, but do you Skype, or have an
account on any other P2P chat protocols?  If you give me particulars on
your Phone and Apps (Manufacturer, OS, and Apps like Messenger) I should be
able to set it up.]
   ...
   Skipping past a long boring technical chat about internet security and
compatibility to set this up.
   ...
Videochat: (MF Mast Expo Voye 1st Love)
   [RUon?)
   (Hey]
   [Hey yourself!)
   (You look beautiful.]
   [Thanks!  You look...
   I don't know if that's the right thing.
   to say to a man?)
   (Well, I don't know about a man, but I don't mind being called
beautiful. How do you mean?]
   [Well, I love your eyes.  I think you have pretty eyes, and IDK.  The
shape of your face?  I guess you kept it out of your videos because of your
problem with being looked at, but I never imagined you would look so, well
beautiful?)
   (You don't think I look too fat?]
   [Well, you're not fat.  Maybe you're not skinny, or some musclebound
hunk, but I love your body.  Fat and all, especially your ass.)
   (Seriously!?]
   [Yes, seriously.  It's the best part.  LOL.)
   (Well, you know I've always been self conscious about that, but you
wouldn't mind if I go ahead and get started?]
   [Not at all, I'm going to switch to sound so I can start getting
undressed.)
   "There.  Can you hear me?"
   "Yes, can you hear me too?"
   "Hang on, let me turn the sound up." ...  "Say something."
   Fap, "Okay," fap, "how's this?" fap...
   "Yeah, that's better.  Let me get my clothes off.  Huh!  Do you, like.
My body?"
   "Oh yeah!"
   "Why?"
   "I don't know, are you self conscious about it?"
   "Well, I'm really small, and petite.  I know it's good for my
gymnastics, but.  Oh!  That's another thing.  I think I'm getting over my
anxiety.  I mean, I think you're helping me, when I perform?"
   "How so?"
   "Huh!  Well, I don't know.  I guess, I only worked in competition once,
so it's hard to tell, but I used to throw up before going on.  Not with the
team, but especially before the Floor Exercise."
   "You're really flexible."
   "Yeah, comes with being a gymnast.  Um, it's not because, I look, so
young, is it?"
   "Well, you are only eighteen."
   "How old are you?"
   "Thirty eight?"
   "Okay, I thought you're older."
   "Why is that a problem?"
   "Oh no!  Not at all, I was just wondering, and now I know."
   "And knowing is half the battle!  Hihihin!  I guess.  Huh!  I'm not a
pedophile.  Yes, you look young, and that makes you pretty, but.  No, I
thought you're a beautiful person before I even saw your first video."
   "OhhH!  God, I'm so wet!  See?"
   "Hhuh!  I need to stop."
   "You need a break?"
   "Huh, yeah.  That was close."
   "Well, you can watch me now, then."
   "Actually, I was thinking it might be better to take turns, so you can
warm up while I cool down, and vice versa."
   "Yeah, uh!  I'm really warming up."
   "Yeah, uhuh!  I can see that!"
   "Hm, talk to me?"
   "Okay, what would you like to hear?"
   "Make me feel beautiful."
   "Well, that's not hard.  You are, such a beautiful woman."
   "Oh!"
   "Yes, I always thought so.  I like your body, no I love it.  I wish I
were there, to touch you, and.  What's wrong?"
   "Getting a little creepy?"
   "I'm sorry."
   "Huh!  You didn't know but, I was, molested once.  Well, I guess the
mood is lost anyway, so can I see you?"
   "Is there something wrong with the picture?"
   "Yeah, I can see your face, but.  Could you move the camera down a
little?"
   "You know, it makes me uncomfortable."
   "Yes, of course, but aren't we supposed to be working on that?"
   "You're right, I'm just not, ready."
   "Is it hard?"
   "No, I mean it's difficult, but I'm not aroused again yet."
   "So?  Show me then.  It's not going to turn you off any more, and I
think it'll help me get turned on again."
   "Yeah?  Well, okay then."
   "Ooh!"
   "What?"
   "You're, it's beautiful.  Hhuh!  God, I can't believe I'm saying this
about a penis, but, HhH!"
   "Wow, it really turns you on, so much?"
   "Hm, yeah?"
   "Why?"
   "Hh, I don't know?  Huh, I just, I like looking at it, hard or soft,
but. Uh!  It's getting hard again!"
   "Yeah."
   "Huh!  Don't touch it, I want to see it.  Huh!"
   "Wow, that's.  Is that, lube?"
   "What?  Nh!  This?"
   "Yeah, it looks like, cum?"
   "Well it is?  I mean, I haven't gotten off yet, but.  You know girls get
wet, right?"
   "Yeah, but it's white."
   "Mhm?  It's also thick, and creamy, and.  Slip!  Mh!"
   "You like it."
   "Mh, yeah, huh!  I wish it were your cum.  Huh, nh!  I want to taste it,
your cum, and feel it all over me.  Nh, yeah."
   "Huh, huh, huh!"
   "Oh god," SPAP!
   "Oh god.  Nh!"
   "No, don't cum yet, don't ruin it."
   "Huh, huh, huh!  Hhhhhhh!"
   "That was close."
   "Yeah."
   "You better fuck yourself.  Nhihihm!"
   "You want to watch?"
   "OMyGod yes!"
   "Here, let me turn around and get lubed up."
   "Yeah, god I love your ass!"
   "Nhm?"
   "I just want to grab it, and feel it, and kiss it."
   "My ass?"
   "Yeah, uhm.  I'm getting too turned on again, so.  Huh!  I better just
watch you now.  I think, it's like slapping myself, or fucking yourself to
turn back off, but.  Hihh, huhhh.  There was this guy, at the State finals.
He, uh.  He grabbed me, and he touched me, through my leotard.  It's taken
me years, just to think about it, but now it's really good to break the
mood, when I get too close."
   "Yeah.  Uh, I think about it too.  I mean my Aunt, but you know how it
was creepy, when I said I wanted to touch you?"
   "Yeah?"
   "Well, huh!  Thinking about my aunt.  It doesn't turn me off any more.
She didn't touch me, she just took pictures of me, but.  Nmh!  Huh, auh!"
   "You really like to fuck yourself!"
   "Yeah, auh!"
   "I like to watch."
   "Nh, mh!"
   "Yeah, fuck it.  Fuck that big hard dildo up your ass," PLPLPLPLP! 
"huh! HhuhH!"
   "No, stop." Chair squeeks.  "Don't get off, don't cum yet, god that's a
lot of cum!"
   "Yeah, Slip!  Mh!  I'm so close now."
   "We better take a break."
   "Yeah, but you're hard."
   "Yeah.  How much, of that cream can you make?"
   "I don't know?  Huh?  I usually don't, so quickly.  God this is hot, I
don't think, I've ever made this much without hours to get worked up, but,
SLIP!"
   "What's it taste like?"
   "I don't know, pussy cream?  It tastes like me, like sex.  I'm not even
sure if it tastes like mancum, but I can't describe it."
   "But you love it."
   "Yeah, it tastes like sex to me.  It's like desert.  After I cum, I can
lick it all up, and it's like.  Bookends?  Yeah, I lick my fingers first,
to get wet, and then I get wet enough to finger some of the cream out, and
then I just go back and forth.  The more I taste it, and rub it all over,
the more comes out so I can taste it, and rub it all over, and, Huh!"
   "Stop."
   "Huh?  Huh, huh huh.  You're right.  God, I'm just not used to it going
so fast!  With you here, to talk to well it feels like you're here, but
with you watching me, and watching you fuck yourself.  Huh!"
   "God, it's a lot."
   "Yeah, like I said, I'm used to it taking hours, to make this much."
   "You didn't even leak any in your videos.  That's why it surprised me."
   "Yeah, well those were quickies.  I guess, gracious!  It hasn't even
been 15 minutes?"
   "Yeah, I guess fucking is like that, for me too.  I can do it for hours,
but I don't get off.  So, it keeps building up more and more, so when I
finally release, it's mindblowing."
   "Yeah, huh.  How long can we do this?"
   "I don't know, I don't have any plans for Saturday morning.  You?"
   "Yeah, I kind of cleared my schedule.  After competition, I still have
to gain weight, rest, and recover, so that's the plans: Sleep in, eat, rest
and recover.  Maybe it's, also partially the tension from competing, but
like I said, it wasn't like that, this time."
   "How so?"
   "I don't know?" Thinking...  "I wasn't nervous, even for FX.  That's my
worst exercise, because with say the Vault, it's over too quickly, or the
uneven bars, I'm so busy I don't have to think about it, but the floor is
like a dance.  I'm out in the middle of everything, and everyone's watching
me, or at least I feel like that, and normally it's so distracting it makes
me fault, which is distracting, so I make more faults, and it ruins the
whole routine.  I can do it in practice, but then I get out there in front
of all the spectators, but this time, I did it perfectly.  Just like in
practice, I just got off, went out, and did it."
   "You released first?"
   "Yeah, I 'went to the bathroom.' I tried it before, taking tension
breaks, and did a good long buildup session in the hotel, but it never
worked that well before.  Hm.  I guess, well I think maybe it's because
this time I imagined you.  Watching me."
   "In the stands?"
   "Well, bleachers.  They held it in a High School, but.  Yeah, when I got
release before hand, then I thought about you watching me do the exercise,
and somehow that got me through it."
   "Well, can I watch you some time?"
   "Sure, it's a State competition, they taped the whole thing, I just have
to upload the video."
   "Maybe later, that would probably degrade the video quality of this
connection, so I'll watch it later."
   "Um, you think I could, well I should get off now?"
   "You feel ready?" Nod on camera, "Do you think it would help?"
   "I don't know, if I can get any more aroused.  Huh!  I've never been so
turned on, and, I can't stand it."
   "Mind if I try to get off too?"
   "You think you can, with me watching?"
   "I want to try!  Would you like me to?"
   "Oh yeah, I want to see it.  You jerking off for me.  More than
anything, more than I even need release, even now!"
   "Should I go first?"
   "Can we try to do it together?"
   "Yeah, I'd love that." Sliplplplp...  "Huh, can you, beat it harder? 
Huh, I can't.  Huh, hear it."
   FAPFAPAPAP!  "This uh!  Good?"
   "Yeah, hmh!  Are you watching?" Eyes closed.
   "Yeah, you look beautiful.  All turned on like that, covered in your
cum."
   "Yeah, talk to me.  Huh!  I can't talk, or keep my eyes open, and get
release.  Huh, you want to touch me?"
   "Yeah, I want to touch you all over."
   "Tell me when you're about to cum."
   "Yeah, I want to cum all over you, too.  I really want to taste your
cum, and lick our cum off of you."
   "Hhm, nh, neah, yeah!" nodding hard, eyes clenched tight.
   "I want you to fuck me."
   "Hheah!"
   "I want you to fuck my ass."
   Slplplpl, "Hh," SLPLPLP!  !  !  PLplp, plp, plp.  "HhhhHhHhH!"
   "Uh, fuck!"
   "Yeah, cum for me.  Cum all over me!  HhHhihih!"
   "Uh, nh, ghn!"
   "Yeah, all over my body!  Yeah!"
   "Huh huh huh!" Chair squeeks again, "Whew!  That's fucking intense!"
   "Yeah, ngh!  Huh, I think I love you, Edgar."
   "Declan.  My real name is Declan."
   "Kelly."
   "Nice to see you, Kelly."
   "Yeah, you too.  I'm about to pass out now, so goodnight."
   "Good night, I uh.  I love you too."
   "Mwah,"
   "Mwah."
[Kelly:
I'm sorry.  I don't want to lie to you, and I don't mean to, but at the
time I was lying to myself.  So, here's the truth: I think it is because
you look so young.  I still don't know whether that makes me a pedophile,
but I've given it some thought, and I believe it may be because I was
denied that stage of romantic development.  Because of my exposure, and
sexual shaming, I never had romantic feelings for a teenage girl, even when
I was a teenager.  All this is theory, but the best I can figure you, no I
need to go through that, for my sexual and emotional health, because it's a
natural part of development.  I'm just doing it late because of my Aunt's
abuse.
   Oh yeah, and you're right about that.  It's a turnoff, but I didn't
think to use it as a turnoff, so I don't get off.  I did it, in retrospect,
I just wasn't conscious of it, so thanks for calling me on it.  Likewise,
thank you for the Floor Routine video.  Is it exercise, or routine?  You
said both, so I'm not sure which is proper when, and internet research
didn't really clear that up.
   So, anyway, onto the video.  I hope you're sleeping well, because I
can't.  So, I'm playing that, but the music annoys me.  It feels familiar,
but I can't place it, and I don't even know what search terms to use.  I'm
thinking it sounds new-wave/first generation Techno, like Herbie Hancock,
but because it isn't, I can't find it, but other than that.  You're so
graceful!  I love the Dance parts, since you said it's kind of like
dancing, but then you switch from the graceful ballet moves to Power, and I
really love that contrast.
   I must admit, I have watched gymnastics before, not this year because I
haven't had the time to devote to the Olympics.  The Election is such a
firestorm on the internet, it's kind of hard to handle all the political
posts, and pay attention to the Summer Games, but I'm recording the
Gymnastics portion now, to watch when I have the time to appreciate it. 
So, I can't say I was always a fan, nor I never watched it, but you
definitely give me reason to renew my interest in the sport.
   I don't think it's sexual.  Beautiful certainly, but I appreciate the
Mens' as much as the Womens', and again, it's the contrast.  Mens' seems to
be more about the power, with brief beautiful parts, while Womens' is more
beauty, or dance, with brief explosive power, and of course the technical
skill throughout I can't help feeling I can barely appreciate.  But I love
watching you, and if you tell me when your next competition is, I'll try to
make it, just to see you live.  But, there's something special, about
watching you, since we're developing this connection, instead of just a
Gymnast, I can't get over the fact that it's you, Kelly, doing all that. 
Being so graceful, and powerful, I just keep watching it over, and over,
and it's still at the point where I keep seeing new things I missed before.
   Like, for example.  Um, @ 3:17 when you finish flipping corner-to
corner? Yeah, you did the typical landing position, and "Stuck" it as far
as I can tell, but then you turned, and the way one arm goes up, the other
down, and the little half smile as your profile is revealed?  I paused it,
still in the 3:17 second, but this one frame is just so gorgeous, I'm going
to capture it to send as an Attachment:
   ]IMG[
   Beautiful.  I just made that my background image.  I know you said that
you love me, and I said it back, both in a moment of post orgasmic passion.
Now that I have had time to think about it, let me clarify: I think we are
falling in love, with eachother.  I don't believe that 1 mindblowing orgasm
over a video chat is enough to say Love, sincerely, but it's a start.  I'm
falling in love with you, and I can't wait for your visit.  Here's a list
of colleges in my area:
]Attachments:
   ;
   Leitmotif: Changes to AON - Moments in Love (Who's Afraid of the Art of
Noise?)
[Declan:
Are you Irish?  I looked it up, it's a Gaelic name originally, and I
think you look Irish.  Yeah, I think you're right.  I said ILU in a moment
of passion, and after sleeping on it, I can agree with falling in love. 
But, it's hard to think straight, with my dreams of you still running
through my head, and sitting on my Hitachi for my morning routine.  It
doesn't feel like routine, I don't have to build up tension so I can sleep
tonight, it's saturday, and my last day of school is the makeup test on
Tuesday, so I've decided that's not what I'm doing.  Today, I'm doing this
for you, saving it for you, building up sexual tension so we can get off
together, tonight.  If you don't mind, doing another video chat tonight? 
;)
   Oh yeah, and a lot of those schools were already on my list, lucky you
live in such a large metropolitan area with so many schools, it will even
save me money, or my father's college fund if I don't need to pay for a
hotel.  I can catch several Open Houses around September, but that
definitely narrows down Where to your area.  TBPH, I can't imagine going
anywhere else than to be closer to you.  It would doom me to failure,
thinking about you, instead of my classes.
   No more meets.  I didn't give up Gymnastics, but at this point, I'm too
old to make it a career.  The only reason I made it on the Senior Varsity
team this year, and to State is my strength on UB made up for my faults on
FX.  Oh, let me try to explain the difference.  The Exercise is the Event:
Floor Exercise, since there's no Apparatus other than the springfloor
itself.  The Routine is my performance, the moves I practice, the dance I
use to string them together, and the music is Art of Noise - Close (to the
Edit) or Beatbox Version II, but an unique edit for timing, and length. 
It's a minute and a half routine, and we cut out the vocals.  My coach, and
I, so I guess we can call it the Lapinsky edit, since she did most of it
for me, but we worked up the routine together.
   Re: My young looks.  Okay, it's kind of creepy, and exiting at the same
time?  Creepy because someone took advantage of it, but exciting because,
well I'm still thinking about it.  So, no time like the present, right? 
Uhm, well, it's not like a schoolgirl fantasy, because I am, literally a
schoolgirl, at least for a few more days.  It's not like UR a creep, or
anything like him, but like you said this attraction was started because of
our common sexuality?  INS if that's the right word, is auto-erotic edging
a sexuality?  Is it autoerotic with someone else?  I guess you're the
expert here, at least for men.  Are you really a virgin, in the sense that
you've never been with anyone else?  Our abuse doesn't count, because it
was done to us, and like you said, she didn't touch you.
So anyway, I guess that makes up for our age difference, and I love that
you think of me as a woman.  Going back over our chats, and emails, I
noticed you always called me that, a woman instead of a girl, even though
you used the word Girls, just not about me.  So, I guess it's a turn-on,
that you like the way I look, just like your age, experience, and body are
a turn-on for me.  And I mean your fat, not to say you Are fat, but I love
your fat.  You just look so round, soft and cuddly, I just want to hug and
cuddle you as much as anything.  I don't really like muscle guys, or skinny
guys, and I even think it makes your face beautiful.  I don't think you'd
be as pretty without the fat to round out your cheeks, and your jawline.  I
love your cheeks, especially when you're turned on, and they get so red,
especially when you're typing to me, and not thinking about it, so I could
see, god I wish I had recorded our first time, and I love the picture you
sent me.  You're right, it's about the most beautiful I have ever seen
myself, and I never thought I was ugly, just looked a little too young.
   And I think, the reason for that is it always attracted the wrong kinds
of guys, until you.  They were all attracted to me because I looked like a
child, and they never even bothered to learn anything else about me. 
That's all I ever was to them, a little girl, but because of the way we
met, it's like you got to know me before you ever saw me, and then my looks
didn't turn you away, it just added to what is slowly becoming love.  And I
can wait, to see you, wrap my arms around you, kiss you, and be with you.
You taught me that, how to wait so that it's even better when the waiting
is over.  I love everything about you, but this, waiting is what I love
most of all.  It's what makes you special, most men can't wait, to get off,
see me naked, and get on with the sex.  You can, better than anyone I ever
even heard of.  You're writing the book on waiting, saving yourself.
   And that's why I love, saving myself for you, Kelly.
   Ps: I better get off the Hitachi, and the computer.  Before I get off
and ruin it.  ;) See you tonight.  Love, and lust...]
   [Dear Kelly:
   Nice!  ;) Talk about a blast from the past, that was my favorite video
as a kid.  I've got it playing in another tab right now, but I basically
grew up on MTv as a kid, and I even had a crush on the little girl from the
video back then.  I guess I had to have been about 6 at the time, just
counting back to the time it came out.  Which brings us back to the
question of Age, so like you said: "No time like the present!"
   Okay, it's a deal, but not a big deal.  You're legal, even if you don't
look it, and going back over our conversations, I guess I don't want to
feel like a pedophile, but; I look like one of those, losers, who get fat
on the internet, and send dick pics to underage girls in forums they might
be too young to be in.  As an admin, I deal with them every day, both
underage kids circumventing Net-nanny (A common ploy is logging on with a
parent's account) out of sexual curiosity.  The thing is, I teach waiting,
denial and edging so that when it is requited it's that much better.  While
predators (Which it seems like I have to block, and ban every day) try to
rush children and young adults into sexual activity before they're ready.
   What we have here is a potential problem to work past, instead of
denying it.  I'm twice your age, literally old enough to be your father, so
the thing to avoid is indulging in any of those fantasies.  For me, I
wouldn't be comfortable in playing your daddy, or any other exploitation
fantasies, because my fantasies tend to escalate.  I'm afraid that sort of
ideation might lead to at best impotence, and at worst predatory behavior.
I wouldn't, ever even consider sexualising someone before they're ready,
but the conflict could force me to stop running a forum on sexuality, even
masturbation, and sexual delay.  So, let's set some ground rules, starting
with nothing like Schoolgirl, Daddy/Daughter, or other exploitation
fantasies, agreed?
   Which brings us to the Teacher/Therapist and Student/Patient nature of
our relationship.  Before, I believe the best way to address that is, it
was our relationship, before we became romantic.  Now, we should progress
to a more equal dynamic, of helping eachother with discoveries.  Like you
have already helped me, before we met, I could barely imagine release on
camera, showing my face, live video chat, much less climax with you
watching.  Now, it's difficult not thinking about you being here, naked,
covered with your beautiful cream, and ejaculating on you to taste them
together.
   To be honest, I have been unable to edge myself since.  Hopefully the
excitement will wear off, but I've stopped masturbating all together, and
just left my erections untouched, or fucked myself to get rid of them.  I
started off that way, in fact I punished myself analy for getting
erections, because my Aunt.  Okay, that still works.  Not time like the
present, eh?  Yeah, I can finally just write instead of being distracted by
it, so let me tell you exactly what she did:]
   {Author's aside: Trigger warnings, Incest, Pedorasto, Exposure,
Humiliation, and MC.  Brainwashing.}
   [It started when I was about 8.  I guess she always, saw me sexually.  I
just wasn't aware of what she ment calling me her "Favorite Nephew,"
telling me what a pretty little boy I was, "I could just eat you all up!" I
might as well go through all the trigger phrases now, since they can ruin
the mood, intentionally, or accidentally if you said them while we're
together.  Let me see, "Special little guy, Messy Dessy, Dirty, Nasty,"
well just about everything like that.  Oh, and "Hugs and Kisses!" I
actually shuddered a little bit, but just finally writing about it makes me
feel a little better and better.
   So, what she did was make me feel special.  Cute, smart, more mature,
just about everything, but now that I can actually think about it without
crying, I think this was all to cause an erection.  That's what made it
change, every time she buttered me up, and made me touch her breasts until
I got a stiffy, then humiliated me for it.  Not, touch her, sexually.  Just
sitting in her lap, but I didn't think about it sexually because I was too
young.  No, really she touched me with her breasts.  All the time, Huh! 
Maybe that's even part of why I like your body, you're not completely
breastless, but at least they're not large, mature, and.  Huh, you said
something, about hugging me, and feeling my big soft body.
   So, I'm starting to think it's not so much about you being young as not
being as big, old, mature, and busty as Aunt Rachel.
   Wow, breakthrough!  I haven't been able to, write that name, ever in my
adult life.  Aunt Rachel.  Holy fuck!  I mean, it was really bad, I had to
run, hide, and cry uncontrollably because I met a woman, and her name
happened to be Rachel.  She didn't even look anything like her, but just
hearing it, it must have been last year, but just hearing that name flashed
me back to the fear, shame, and made me feel like a kid again in the worst
possible way.
   "Aunt Rachel," I just said it out loud, and I don't even feel like
crying!  Oh my God!  I can't even begin to describe what this emotional
release feels like!  It's better than any sexual release I have ever felt,
and I have to think you have at least half of the responsibility for it.  I
need to take a break, to think, but I can.  I can think about it now, all
because I ever even tried to explain it to you.  I know, I never would have
been able to, to anyone but you, because I know there's no reason to be
ashamed with you.  All my fears, of being judged are gone.  You said once
that I have changed your life, so let me leave you with this:
   I love you, most of all, because you change my life in return.  I love
you, I'm not falling in love any longer.  It's official, I am now
completely and truly in love with you.
   I can't wait to see you again, Love, Declan.]
   ...
   [Shit, I already sent it, but PS: We can't do spanking either.  I just
thought of that, but she spanked me for getting hard, and we may be able to
work past it, but since you said you love my ass, I don't believe it goes
without saying.  I don't think I'm ready for spanking yet, but now I can
hope that some day I may be.  And it's all because of you.  You freed me,
and I can't thank you enough.
   Oh yeah, and is 3:30 good for you?]
   [RUOL?)
   (Yeah, you ready to chat?]
   [LOL, I'm ready to VC, you want to set it up?  I sure can't wait for
3:30!)
   (Yeah, give me a minute:]
   {Edgar@Autolove.org would like to Video-Chat:
   Decline [Accept] Block...  More Options>}
   "Hahaha!"
   "What's that?"
   "Sorry, the options for the VC invite, one of them was Decline."
   "Ha, yeah.  I never thought of that."
   "Like I would ever decline you, Declan."
   "I love you, did you read my last Email?"
   "Um, let me check.  The last one I read starts: Nice!  ;)" Winks IRL.
   "Yeah, uhm."
   "I don't know how to feel about, what she did, but I'm so happy for
you!"
   "Yeah, I'm still pretty psyched about it too."
   "Oh, Re: Groundrules/Age Play.  That's fine with me.  I thought about
it, and you know, I'm just now becoming an adult, so being a minor is more
of a recent memory than a fantasy.  I'm sure feeling a lot better about my
looks thanks to you!"
   "Yeah, and I didn't think you'd want to be my schoolgirl victim any more
than I want to play Don't Stand so Close to Me."
   "Is that a sex game?"
   "No, well.  Actually, it might be for someone.  It's a song, by The
Police!"
   "Ahahahahahahaha!"
   "Yeah, hehaha!  So, anyway, that reminds me.  What made you pick Art of
Noise for your routine?"
   "Oh, well.  Umh, you did, as far as inspiration.  I've been practicing
for months, but I was already getting into edging because of your site, so
when I found the video.  Oh yeah, back to groundrules.  Um, would it be
okay, if I dressed up, like her?"
   "The girl in the video?"
   "Yeah, it's a hot look, and you said you had a crush on her in the 80s?"
   "Well, as much as I could, at that age.  It um, helped me remember,
too."
   "What?"
   "Well, before.  Huh, before Aunt Rachel started abusing me."
   "Oh, I'm sorry!"
   "Huh, don't be.  Thank you, yeah you triggered me, but.  It was almost a
good.  No, actually the best trigger I ever had.  I'm seriously, I can
remember it now, without flashing back.  Hell, I just said Aunt Rachel,
like it was nothing!  Aunt Rachel!"
   "No, you still winced, both times."
   "Okay, not nothing, but still.  Just hearing that name made me curl up
and cry like a baby.  So, it's still a vast improvement.  I haven't been
able to think that, Aunt Rachel, since before I became an adult."
   "Yeah, but this isn't turning you on."
   "Well, I don't just want you, sexually.  I do, but I like talking to
you. No, I love it, face to face like this.  I can almost imagine you here
with me.  I love your voice, and your smile, and making you smile like
that. In realtime, I want love with you, not just sex."
   "Yeah, well, I have a confession: I haven't been falling in love with
you for quite some time.  I've been in love, even before last night, that
was just my first chance to say it.  I saved that too, because I didn't
want to write it, and send it in an E-mail.  I wanted to say it, I love
you, Declan.  Huh!  God, I even love your name, saying Declan, mrh!  I'm
sorry, I can't wait, you mind if I get started?"
   "Not at all, I'm ready too.  And yeah, go ahead and get that Art of
Noise costume, I really want to see you in it.  I can almost imagine it on
you, your hair up in that ginger fauxhawk, and even that 80s makeup."
   "Ahah?  Well, I'll run right out to the beauty parlor, as soon as we're
done.  And the thrift shop?"
   "I have no idea where you'd get the outfit from, you any good at
sewing?"
   "Yeah, I cosplay.  Well, I used to make my own costumes for competition,
but I do it for Rocky Horror, and Halloween too.  Guess that settles my
first summer project!"
   "Oh yeah, Re: Gymnastics, are you really giving it up?"
   "Competing.  Huh!  My career is over, before it ever really even
started. I'm not good enough for the Collegic teams, much less the
Olympics, so I don't think I'll ever give it up.  I love it too much, just
as an adult, I've decided it's a hobby, and I need to move on with a more
realistic career."
   "What are you thinking about?"
   "I don't know, prereqs?  Are you trying to distract me, or would you
like to get it on some time today?"
   "Huh, you're right.  I'm sorry, I wasn't consciously doing it, but you
know.  It is my sexuality."
   "Mine too, but the idea is denial for release.  I've been denying myself
all day, so I think it's about time I had sex with my boyfriend."
   "Hahaha, Well just you calling me that is a real turnon, so you want to
go first?"
   "No, I want to do it together, so could you move the camera down?"
   "Sure thing."
   "I wish I could see your face too."
   "Well, I can move back too."
   "Yeah, that's better, and I'm getting real wet."
   "I can't see it, though."
   "Oh, well it's still clear, see?  I've been thinking about that too, and
you know?  I have no idea what makes me cream sometimes, and others I
don't? I mean, I always get wet, but I've gone hours without creaming, then
last night, you had me gushing out butter in like 10 minutes?"
   "Yeah."
   "So yeah, just so you know, it's not going to be like that every time,
but I think I'm getting better at making it happen.  I'm doing it more, and
more often then when I got started, but here's what I got so far: First, I
start like this.  With my pubes, and this puff of skin under it."
   "Pubis Mons."
   "Yeah!" she looks up, "I forgot that, took health like 3 years ago, but
rubbing my pubes, and mons like this really wakes him up."
   "Well, that's because it Is your clitoris." Nodding, and grinning, "The
part that sticks out is just the tip, the rest of it is actually spread out
all the way up your pubic bone.  That's what the mons is, the buried part
of your clitoris."
   "Oh, huh!  So, it's really my clitoris mons?"
   "Yeah, but you trim your pubes?"
   "Just on the sides, Mmh.  Oh yeah, I like rubbing here, I even have some
stubble, because I didn't shave today, or yesterday, or since State finals,
actually."
   "So, it's for competition?"
   "Yeah, my uniform, well you saw it.  Doesn't leave much to the
imagination.  Kind of hard for me to play with myself in too, but.  Huh! 
Well, now that I think of it, that kind of helped build up tension instead
of getting release, and even protected me, huh!  When I got attacked, well
I guess I should feel lucky, but."
   "Is that why you're stopping?"
   "Well yeah." she sits up.  "Huh!  You taught me that trick, right? 
Well, since you told me, well wrote more about what happened to you.  It's
time for a break anyway, so while I'm using it, I might as well work on
that too."
   "When did it happen?"
   "Uhm," looks up, thinking, bites her lip, "Mwel, that was in Kansas
City, so it had to have been.  5 years ago?  Yeah."
   "So you're 13?"
   "Uhuh?  But you know, how the competition diet is to stunt our growth,
so I certainly didn't look 13.  I had nothing, I can't even remember if I
had my period yet."
   "Okay, first I am distracting you, because I have worked with several
victims before, so this is one way to prevent another traumatic flashback."
   "Like edging."
   "Yeah, it is edging, just up to a memory, instead of an orgasm.  So, 2:
How do you do that, without compromising your health?"
   "Huh, well, it's, I use the Bulgarian diet, because my trainer was
Bulgarian, but it's like edging too.  You don't eat that way all the time,
we get down to competition weight, then back up to non-competition weight
as quickly as possible, because that's when we're at the unhealthy low body
fat.  The idea is to retard growth, so we don't get too big, but if you try
to stay this skinny all the time, then your metabolism crashes, you can't
build or maintain muscle, and your endurance suffers too."
   "So, it also delayed puberty." She nodded, "Until you're about 13?"
   "Huh, so now we go back to that?" He nods, "Well, then you're going to
have to stop, because I can't talk about it with you playing with
yourself."
   "No problem," even moves the camera back up.  "That better?"
   "Yeah, thanks.  Huh!  Okay, I don't guess I was sexual, even if I had my
period, it was one of those things, were you put in a pad, and clean up the
mess later?"
   "I can only imagine."
   "I see what you mean, though.  I never thought about edging up to the
memory."
   "How I got started, anyway.  You can't avoid it forever, either, so
where were you?"
   "When he grabbed me?  Huh, well I guess, I just finished the vault, so I
headded toward the lobby for a drink, and a snack?  I don't remember if I
was hungry too, but we have to hydrate, a lot."
   "So, he grabbed you in the lobby?"
   "No, in the hallway, but he must have been waiting in the stairwell,
because he pulled me in there, and carried me down the stairs under the
landing.  Ngh!"
   "Okay, let's take a break, before you start crying, and go back to
arousal.  It's over, I'm here, I love you, and you look so beautiful
today."
   "Snh!  Yeah?"
   "Yeah, have you been eating?  I swear it looks like you've gained weight
since last night."
   "Well yeah, that's part of recovery, so I'm eating as much as I can to
regain weight as quickly as possible."
   "Well, I like you at your competition weight, you looked soo beautiful
on the floor, and graceful like a ballerenia, but I can hardly wait to see
you when you gain more weight.  Not that you're too skinny now, but I've
seen you like that, and like this, so I can only imagine how beautiful
you'll be when you're full sized again."
   "Huh!  God, it's hard to believe you ever had trouble talking to girls."
   "Not girls, you.  I never could talk to any of them.  Any other woman
but you.  I finally realize I've been saving myself, waiting my whole life
for you."
   "Ooh!  God, look!"
   "I saw it."
   "Slip!  God you're good at making me cream!" nlm Slp Lp Lp...  "Huh!"
   "I love making you cream.  Getting you all wet, and goey inside, so it
runs out."
   "Huh!" SLP LP LP SPAP!  "UH!  Fuck, you're gonna make me cum!"
   "It's okay, you've waited long enough.  Cum for me." Slplplpl, "Cum for
me, cum all over yourself, yeah, look at all that cream gushing out."
   "Huh!" SPLPLPLPL!  "Yeah, heah!" Slip, lmL "HUH, ngh, Slp, Huh!"
   "Yeah, fuck that creamy pussy.  Huh," fpPpPpP!  "Uh, fuck it, fuck all
that thick creamy cum out."
   "Yenh?  NGH!" Shaking, and fingering too fast to hear.  "AuhnnNNH!"
   "Huh!" letting go, and saving it.
   "Nyeahnyhnyhnyhnyh!" Pulling out with the biggest blop yet running down
over her ass crack.  "INH!" stinky pinkie, "Nhehehheahhauhuhuhuh!"
Hyperfingering.
   "Oh good god." He has to look away.
   "AUGH!  FUCK!"
   Covers his ears to keep from cumming hands free.
   "HihihihHihn hihn hihnuh huh huh, Huh!  HUHMH!"
   "Huhh!" daring to look now that the immediate need is over.
   'god,' breathlessly, 'that was incredible!"
   "Feel better?"
   "Slp, huh!  Uh huh?  Slp lup Slup!" Hungrily scooping up, and lapping it
with her fingers.
   "God, I have to try that!"
   "Yeah," holding it up to show him, "It tastes amazing."
   "Yeah," getting the lube, and vibrator, "I mean fucking with it."
   "Oh yeah, it's great for that too."
   "Nh!"
   "Yeah, can you scoot up, closer?"
   "Hang on, Nhuh!" popping out to adjust the chair, then bend over the
back again.  "Can you see better now?"
   "Yeah, ohh spread them some more.  God, I love your pink hole.  Huh!  I
want to eat it out, so bad now."
   "Rimming?'
   "Mmhm!  Honestly, the first video I watched was on your self-anal
demonstration?  Fuck, I think it was love at first sight.  I want to kiss
your ass, all day.  I want to finger fuck my cum in it, and suck it out,
for hours."
   "I'm trying to cool down, now?"
   "Oh.  Sorry."
   "It's all right, I just, almost got off, listening to you moan.  I can't
remember the last time I got so close without going over.  Nh!  I don't
even want to touch my prostate yet, for fear it'll set me off."
   "You're really on a hair trigger, huh?"
   "Yeah, nh!  You, mh, you have no idea."
   "Well, why don't you?"
   "I'm not multiorgasmic, like you.  You needed it, but if I get off now,
it's over for me."
   "Yeah, nhihihm!  Definitely don't want that!  Why'd you want to get me
off, so quickly then?"
   "Nh, desensitization?  Huh, mh!  It might, huh!  Nh, I'm not sure, but
that,s'uh, the only way, UHN!" Slamming shut.  "Huh, huh, huh!  SLk!"
Wiping away drool.  "Huh!  That's enough for now, but let me grab a towel
real quick."
   BRB...
   ..."There," chair squeeks, "Huh, okay, climaxing right after the near
flashback diffuses it, so we can start over, getting closer every time."
   "No, yeah.  I'd say it's working.  You mean, that was a test?"
   "Yeah, sort of for the technique."
   "Yeah, I think I feel better about it."
   "Up to there, but I have to try to trigger you now, so see how well it
worked.  Okay?"
   "Yeah, all right."
   "You ready?"
   "I think so?"
   "Stairwell."
   "Hh.  Yeah, all right.  Um, stop.  I'm not triggered, but that's close
enough."
   "You think it would have triggered you before though?"
   "Noyeah.  I know, that's definitely a trigger, but.  Huh.  I just,
remembered it, without flashing back completely."
   "Okay, let's go back to diet for a little while.  What did you have for
breakfast?"
   "An omelet."
   "What kind of omelet?"
   "Neufchatel, capers, and lox.  With catchup."
   "Why?"
   "The catchup?"
   "Well, any of it?  Why did you have that this morning?"
   "Well, that's how I eat for recovery.  The eggs are for cholesterol, so
I can restart my period quickly."
   "So, your period shuts down?"
   "At competition weight." Nodding.  "I don't want to leak in the middle
of a routine, any more than the judges want to see any pubes, but ideally
you just want to skip one, then get back on the cycle immediately.  Oh,
also for protein, and there's some great essential oils in the smoked
salmon."
   "So, there's a lot to this diet, it also sounds high fat."
   "Oh yeah.  Did the omelet in butter, and used heavy cream to blend the
eggs.  I'm gaining weight, it's a lot safer to gain it quickly than lose
it, but this is the last time."
   "Last time for what?"
   "Last competition, like I said, we lost.  Got our asses kicked, and even
with my best Floor score ever, it was pretty humiliating.  Now, I'm going
to keep the skills, but I'm never dieting down to competition weight again.
So, this should be the last time I have to gain, and train.  Once I get up
to a healthy weight, I think I'll try a normal diet, for a change."
   "Kelly?" Mhm?  "You think you could help me lose some weight?"
   "Of course, but I think you better wait until I get back east.  I only
really know one diet, and it's severe, but Sport Nutrition/Medicine is one
of the majors I might qualify for."
   "I bet you'd be a great personal trainer."
   "Yeah, but don't forget I love your fat.  That's another reason I'm
going to make you wait.  I don't want you losing an ounce until I get to
hug you, just the way you are."
   "Oh!  You're starting to make me love it too, but.  Huh, my doctor sure
doesn't.  I wish I could eat an omelet like that, it sounds delicious, but
I'm pushing 40, my cholesterol's through the roof, and my blood pressure's
getting pretty high too."
   "Well, yeah.  That's why it's called a Healthy Weight."
   "Right?"
   "Right, but I'm not a PT yet, I only really know how to train as a
teenaged female gymnast, so the other reason is so I can do some research
into the overweight middle aged admin metabolism."
   "Hey!"
   "Sorry, that wasn't, supposed to be humiliation.  It was a compliment, I
love your overweight middleage body, but I'll have to get used to you at a
healthier weight."
   "Well, I guess that makes me feel better."
   "Good, I honestly didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
   "Sorry, I'm still a little sensitive."
   "Well, we can work on that, too."
   "Speaking of which," looks at the time, "I really should get some work
done, some time today."
   "Okay, see you tonight?"
   "Oh yeah!"
   "Well, I'm free until Tuesday, so message me when you're ready."
   "Will do, love you?"
   "Love you too."
   ;
   [Kelly
   Well, not like I have anything better to do, nor can I think about
anything else, so I took a shower, and I thought I'd tell the rest of my
story.
   Trigger Warning: MG Sexual Assault.
   While I'm at it, I can take some breaks to edge back and forth between
near triggers to near climax, to see how that works.  Thanks for doing that
with me, but now that I know how, I don't want to waste any of the time I
get to see you reliving our trauma.  It's not about them, it's about us, so
save it for homework.  Deal?
   Okay, so I guess I got as far as the stairwell, and.  Huh.  Yeah, I'm
lucky I was never caught in a fire, because I just can't take the stairs.
Not like that, I mean at home, or outside, it's fine, but if it's a
building with stairs like that, and landings?  Well, you listed off a bunch
of triggers for me, and I almost said your cute little rosebud, but I
remembered.  Well, I guess you're trying to cool down, but.  Still, not
like that.  I'm so sorry about the overweight middleaged comment.  I should
have known that would feel like shaming, I just forgot because I really do
love it.
   Huh, so, the guy.  I never even tried to learn his name, but he didn't
look anything like the typical child molestor.  I guess it's like your,
abuser.  Now that I can think about it, he's probably why I never got into
hunky types.  Maybe he was another gymnast?  I didn't really get to see his
body, but he felt strong, and muscular.  He had on sweats, no logo on them,
but he pulled them down to.  Huh.  He jerked off.  On my leg, I didn't even
get a chance to clean them off, so when I went out and totally fucked up my
Floor Exercise.  Holy shit!  I had the Floor next!
   Do you think that's why, I had so much trouble in competition?  Oh yeah,
it was my first competition, away from home, but it didn't really affect my
Vault.  I didn't flash back on the floor, ever that I remember, but maybe
it wasn't the crowd at all?  Maybe it's because that was my first FX, in a
major competition, we went all the way to Regionals, god this gets so much
easier when you know how, but I need to take an edging break.]
   [Okay, huh!  Just anal this time, butt while I was doing that, I sort of
flashed back?  I don't know, I remembered more and more, but.  It wasn't a
nitemare flashback, like they've always been before.  I guess it was a sort
of breakthrough, because now I strongly suspect that it's why I kept
messing up my FX.  I mostly just replayed every Floor Routine since, and
the uneasiness?  You know how you're having a nitemare, or better yet,
you're watching a Horror Movie.  Yeah, the music changes, so you know
something's about to happen, but you haven't seen it before so you don't
know what?
   That's what it felt like.  The Floor.  God, it's almost like The
Stairwell, only instead of the Nyink Nyink Nyink!  psycho terror, it's the
ominous foreboding feeling, so I never saw it as a trigger.  But yeah,
after that, I had to go right back out, I didn't even get my drink, and I
had to perform, with a dry mouth, a lump in my throat, and his semen drying
on my leg, so it distracted me.  Ugh!  It's so disgusting, just thinking
about it now, I was out there dancing for the crowd with his Semen on my
leg!  They couldn't see it, of course, but I felt it, and it distracted me
so I made a fault.
   The first one was just a slight stumble, in a turn.  I know you don't
know the terms, but you know about Google, right?  ;) It was a pirouette
turn, on one foot, up on my toes, and I had to swing out my other leg to
catch myself, and stop.  I didn't, my toes slipped, so I was out of
position.  I had to turn back for the first pass.  That's a combination,
corner to corner, I had to make 3 of them, but the fault was magnified by
having to turn back, and threw me off of the song, so I was late starting
the pass, tried to catch up a beat by starting a step early, so I wasn't
going fast enough into the roundoff, so I didn't rebound into the
twist-flip (Backflip to forward flip,) which made the landing impossible.
Don't want to bore you with all the technicalities, long story short, I
under-rotated, so I had to bend my knees on the landing, and fell flat on
my face.  I never really recovered from that major fault.
   So, then after that, all the way home we fought over why we didn't
place. It's a team score, as far as moving on, and I had the lowest score
for the team, because I biffed my FX.  So, I got kicked off the team, but
since I was a Freshman next year, I got to start over in high school, and
made it to Jr Varsity a couple years later.  But that's it, isn't it?  I
worked so hard on my Flour Routines in Practice, every day and every chance
I got leading up to the competitive season, but this year, was the first
time I didn't choke on the floor.  And I have no problem at all giving you
the credit, I started edging earlier that year, and at State I finally
decided to Release right before my FX.
   And it worked, instead of going out there with the leftover dread
distracting me trying not to think about what happened, I went out there
feeling like a champion, I had the confidence to do it without any faults,
and while I didn't get a Perfect score, it was more because of the judges,
and there being other seniors there that absolutely rocked the FX.  About
the only fault they could penalize me for is I didn't showboat, I made it
through it, while the better girls went above, and beyond the minimum
requirements.  They weren't afraid of the FX, so they trained on much more
ambitious routines.  Sure, we got our asses kicked, but it wasn't my fault,
I made good consistent scores, so I can retire from competition with a a
good run.  I didn't lose, the team did, but with no false modesty, I had
the best scores across the board in the whole school.  I dare say I carried
the team all the way to state!
   And while it wasn't all because of you, if it weren't for your help, it
would have been another disaster on the floor.  Not just that, but I can
finally think about this, remember it, and know how to stop before I
flashback for a sexual tension break.  Which, I guess I'll do now.  I think
I'll watch my floor routine this time.  I'm just so lucky I found you when
I did, that's why I don't care about our ages, I would love you if you're
90.  I doubt I would have found anyone so similar in our experiences if not
for your site.
   Love, and eternal gratitude, Kelly.]
[Re: Similar Experiences.
I checked my messages, and read yours before calling you, but real
quick: I hate to say it, but our experiences weren't that similar, and are
depressingly common.  Meaning some sort of sexual abuse, I'm pushing 40,
but there's no reliable statistics on mate sexual abuse because we just
don't report it.  Our cultural mores punish us sharing our feelings, so the
common myth is that men are not victims, and being sexually abused makes us
less than men.  So, we deny it, if we even admit we're abused ourselves,
most rape victims deny they were even raped, they "Got lucky."
   The statistics on female victims, the most reliable ones I know are from
RAINN: 1-in-3 girls report a sexual abuse or assault before they turn 18,
and that doesn't count unreported cases.  So, as you become more
comfortable talking to people about it, talk to your friends.  This is how
we combat this epidemic: We talk about it, silence favors the abusers, so
they're never accused, never arrested, never convicted, and never punished.
I hate to say that won't help without more arrests, charges, convictions,
and sentences, with all the Brock Turners out there, but none of those will
get any better without more reliable reporting.  The problem is that Men
control where the reports go, they won't admit that men can be raped, and
they want to excuse other men for sexual abuse to perpetuate the myth that
#NotAllmen are sexually predatory.
The truth is that All men, all women, and quite a few children are
capable of sexually abusing eachother.  We are sexual animals, despite all
our delusions of civility and culture, we can, and do abuse eachother all
the time, and deny that we did it.  "I'm not a rapist!" ~Every rapist ever.
Men, women, and even children.  The natural reaction is to believe them,
because it's an uncomfortable subject, and people don't like to talk about
sex, much less abusive sex.  We just fantasize about it.  All of us.  Yes,
every adult, and quite a lot of the children.  But you don't want to talk
about it when we see eachother, and I wholeheartedly agree with you.  So,
I'm going to send this, and chat with you so you can save it for later.
   Love, and eternally yours, Declan.]
   {Author's Note: I know, you're probably sick of reading this by now, but
tough.  This is my forum, where I can talk about these things without being
censored.  I'm sure you'd rather read about 40yo guys that live online
getting it on with teenaged gymnasts.  Well, suck it up, butterballs, I'm
working on it.
   But first, this is a fantasy.  Yes, there are girls likeat that are
attracted to guys like you out there, but unless you have something special
about you, like lifechanging knowledge that can heal the trauma of being a
girl in a world full of men, get in line.  There's millions of guys, just
like you, sitting at the computer, and jacking off, just like you, and
probably tens of thousands of less cowardly pathological serial sexual
abusers ruining all those girls for guys, just like you.  So, while I whip
up a hot scene to end this with an explosive emotional release, think about
what You can do to change that, instead of repeating their excuses for why
you can't get laid.
   Because denial ain't fixing it any more than random catcalls, and
unsolicited dick pics.  Try sharing your experiences, especially the ones
you have trouble talking about, I swear it opens them right up. 
Emotionally.
   nhn, Psiberzerker.
   ;} 
  
Saving myself 4U