Chapter 41 ~ ff
There was silence, the only sound the flickering of the flames around which they sat.
Lucy, mouth agape, "Honey.... what?"
Erin looked around at all of them looking at her. Her awareness... her consciousness... slowly coming into focus. She looked into the fire. She looked at her friends, she looked around, her surroundings, the horses. She looked over to Mary. "You weren't a dream." She fell off the log upon which she had been sitting, onto her hands and knees in the sand. She gripped it, felt the sand in her fists... this... is.... real.... she thought to herself. I am here... I am....
She remembered.
She began to cry.
She cried for her father, whose face she hadn't been able to remember for so long. For her mother, she remembered now... someone telling her she was... sick... and she had been at the compound, too. For Junior... the knowledge of his actual existence followed by the immediate pain of his loss from her life. For her lost children, taken from her womb.
She cried for the years of her life she had lost in that terrible place.
She cried for her friends from The Circle. They were around her, now, holding her so tight, beginning to cry with her. She felt them there, she felt them loving her.
She cried so hard.
So many around her, so many arms, so many hands touching her, so many voices telling her she was ok, everything was ok, that they loved her.
She dared to believe them.
Erin calmed herself, attempted a joke, "Give the poor girl some air."
The others looked at her in surprise, pulling back just a little.
"Erin?" they all wanted to know, after so long without her voice... "Is it really you?"
"It's really me," Erin answered softly, still sniffling, wiping her eyes. Still looking around. Still trying to understand she was here... not... in the compound. The last thing she remembered for sure was being in the Room of Reflection for days and days. "I had a dream... so many dreams.... was I in a coma again?" she said, furrowing her brow. She'd dreamt for so long.
"Kind of, honey," Mary said to her.
Erin looked at her. "I dreamed the compound... was closed. That ghosts went in and saved the penite... kids there... and that place was closed now."
"That wasn't a dream, honey," Mary answered. "They shut it down."
"Did... everyone get out ok?" Erin asked. She was beginning to remember others that had been there, some of them so young.
"Not a single person was hurt except for one of the administrators," Mary continued. "He had a broken wrist but I heard he deserved a lot more than that."
Erin tried to remember the administrators... the only one she definitely could remember was Mother. Then she realized... she didn't need to think the compound, not right now.
"My mom..." Erin said softly... and she saw the concern appear in her friends' faces. "She's... in a mental hospital? Is that right?" So many dreams... what was real?
Lucy took Erin's hand. "She's with our friend Dr. Marcus... Linda. She helped Mary... all of us...after The Circle, when you were in the coma. She is a good friend and is taking care of your mom."
Erin nodded. "I'd like to go see her soon, would that be ok?"
Mary looked confused, "Honey... you aren't a prisoner. Of course you can go."
Erin looked at her in confusion.... so long since she.... or had she ever? known freedom. Her entire life she'd had someone telling her where to be, what to do. Her parents when she was a child... John... after he became her father and husband. Her widowed mother after the coma, when she wasn't herself. Then Steven, with his demands and expectations.... and then the compound. She'd never, ever been her own girl. Her own woman. That sense of her world opening up was almost as tangible, as disorienting, as her awakening right now.
Nora, to the side, was on her phone. Suddenly she began speaking, "Linda... listen... something has happened. Erin's here." She held up the phone, Erin was looking at a small screen with the face of an attractive mature woman with dark brown hair, tied up in an impossible tangle on top of her head.
Dr. Marcus didn't understand the point of this late night call was, yet, but she was curious. "Hello, Erin." She wasn't expecting a response.
"Uh, hi," Erin answered.
Erin didn't know it, but she was the first person to ever see Linda Marcus flabbergasted.
"You're aware," Linda said.
"For the most part," Erin answered.
"Do you remember me?"
Erin again furrowed her brow... "Are you... a whale but Larry still loves you so he's crazy?"
It took Linda a moment to remember that reference, but then she laughed. "Oh my, yes, you are aware. How do you feel? What do you remember?" Dr. Marcus asked.
"I think," Erin looked off to the side. "I think I remember everything." And tears again began filling her eyes.
++++
They stayed up all night, Erin had been sleeping so long that
now she was afraid to ever again close her eyes. She wanted to stay here.
Sam and Ashley cuddled together under a blanket for warmth as the original Circle of friends held
their Erin, finally back to them. In the small hours of the morning Erin lost
her battle against the fatigue of the day. They held her through the rest
of the night, at least one of them always awake, watching her.
As the sun was coming up Erin's eyes popped open, her body on the ranch schedule. Mary had been the one already awake. She looked at Erin, she'd watched Erin's eyes pop open in the morning so many times over the months, but her friend was always silent, just smiling. Erin was frowning now, though. "Is there food?" Erin asked. "I'm starving."
Mary smiled, and then laughed so hard that she cried as she hugged a bemused Erin.
++++
The ride back was noisy, everyone wanting to ride back next to Erin, talking, laughing.
Mary had to keep telling Satan that Erin had always been there, but she'd been dreaming. He wanted to know where the new girl had come from.
They rode into the stable, Jimmy hadn't noticed the change of the group's tone. As always he went to his blonde haired angel first, he always helped her down when she went out riding with Mary and Sam. He held Erin by her waist as she slid her leg over so she didn't land too hard on the floor. "There you go, darlin," he said, turning away and taking the halter of Erin's horse.
"Thank you, James," Erin said to his back, looking at him in a strange way.
"You're very welco..." and he stopped, and turned to her. "Miss Erin?"
She smiled at him, and nodded. "It's probably ok if you just call me Erin," she said to him.
Jimmy just stared at her, his mouth opened, then closed. Then it opened again. "You... talking. You talking."
Erin smiled at him. "Thanks for keeping me company. A lot of my dreams lately are of you telling me stories.... a lot of them seem crazy though."
"Yeah that sounds about right," Sam interjected.
The girls giggled a little, still watching Jimmy recover. They'd all been looking forward to this moment, Jimmy was so obviously in love with her.
Nora stood aside.... when they started making plans to visit the ranch she had an idea about getting with Jimmy, but she'd immediately seen how Erin had captivated him and Nora had happily kept her hands off. She had fantasized about fucking him once or twice or twenty times since she'd left, but seeing him with Erin, she immediately dropped any designs she had on him. Until Erin said yes or no, Jimmy belonged to Erin. Nora had made up for her sexual frustration by stealing a couple hours with Laura the first night.... she put her ass in the air and had Laura wear the strap on and fuck her until she was sore and Laura was exhausted. Then Nora had Laura lie on her back, Nora got on top, and Nora rode her to one last painful orgasm.
"I want to talk to you later, alone," Erin told him simply.
Jimmy just nodded.
The others just looked on as Erin walked away, "I need to go see Martha," she said to Mary on her way by.
They all watched her go.
++++
Martha saw the girls through the kitchen window riding back and was preparing them a lunch when she heard the front door open, and turned to see Erin. "Hello sweetie," she always said to her favorite helper. "If you'd like to help with lunch there are some lemons that need to be squeezed." She went back to counting girls, and calculating how many pounds of hamburger to take out of the refrigerator. She she felt someone beside her, and she turned, Erin was right there. "What is it, dear?" When suddenly Erin hugged her fiercely, holding her tight.
"I'm so sorry," Erin said, crying into Martha's shoulder.
Martha stood there in wide eyed surprise, holding Erin. "Honey... you're awake?"
"I'm so sorry I missed him," Erin said.
Martha thought she understood, "Oh honey... don't cry. You'll get me started again and Junior wouldn't want me crying."
"I heard him, last night," Erin said.
Martha held her. "What did he say?"
"He was telling me to wake up. And that's when I did."
Martha held Erin to her, that made so much sense. "I guess he wanted to help one more person before he went," Martha said.
Erin let herself be held, she tried not to feel Martha as her mother, but it was difficult not to. She finally broke the embrace. "I don't know what is going to happen next, but I have to go see my mom first."
"Of course you do, sweetheart," Martha replied with perfect understanding in her eyes.
"If I can, if things work out that way," Erin asked, so afraid of the answer, "Can I come back here?"
Martha was actually confused for a moment, before she understood the meaning of fear on Erin's voice. "Honey, this is your home. You are always welcome here, forever."
"Thank you," Erin said to her, hugging her again. "Thank you for everything."
Mary arranged for a helicopter and plane for Erin the next day, but that night at dinner was the happiest they'd all been.
++++
Chief Hawkins met her at the airport and gave her a ride to the clinic. He still had questions about her part in The Circle but knew that this was very much not the time, and kept things light. He led Erin to Linda's office, told Erin he was available if she needed anything, and hoped he would see her for dinner that night. Erin smiled.
"Please, sit," Linda offered, and Erin sat. "This is quite a surprise. So many patients, when they are withdrawn for as long as you were, don't find their way back without some catalyst. Please tell me," she shifted to her side a little, "What do you remember as you woke up? Anything?"
Erin already knew. "It was Junior, he was in my head, speaking directly to me. I was looking at Mary and Sam and he said something to me about how in love they were, and he told me to wake up. And..." Erin still had a hard time conceiving of this... how does one conceive of being unconscious? "...then it just felt like waking up, but I was thinking myself through it. Like observing myself from the inside. It was strange."
Linda nodded, looking at her. She decided not to analyze, but to just share her thoughts, "It is extraordinary to me, two days ago you were in a walking coma, and right now you look completely fine."
Erin gave her a small smile and a shrug.
"You want to see your mother."
"Yes please."
"Certainly. But Erin...." and Linda sat back in her chair, she'd been thinking about how she was going to break the news. "Your mother has suffered a psychotic break. It was caused by extreme stress... we think it was the stress of the night you were taken to the compound."
Erin frowned, she didn't like thinking of that night, she'd been actively trying to avoid it.
"Do you understand she was a victim of the compound as well? I know it had been discussed with you, but I don't know what you remember of it."
"I remember," Erin said. "Both her and my father had been sent there at my age for homosexual tendencies, and the compound convinced them that they were attracted to each other instead."
Linda looked at Erin steadily... walk softly.... "I understand that place was very big on behavioral adjustment."
Erin, who had been looking off to the side deep in her thoughts, looked Linda back in the eye, "That's their favorite thing. But how is mom now?"
Linda took a deep breath. "She thinks it is the early 1970's, and every day she is waiting for a visit from a lover named Louise. She thinks they are in love and as soon as Louise comes they are leaving together and going to California where no one cares if a girl loves a girl. And every day is the same... Louise is coming today, and they are leaving together. And every night I give her a mild sleeping pill and she is tucked into bed."
Erin looked at her steadily. "Does she remember me? Her other kids?"
Linda gave it to her straight, "She thinks is is the early 1970s."
Erin understood.
"Are you ready?" Dr. Marcus asked.
Erin nodded, and they stood.
Betty was outside right now, she liked being outside late morning in the garden when the day was warm but in the shade the breeze was cool.
"Betty," Linda said as she as Erin approached, "There is someone I'd like you to meet."
"Is it Louise?" Betty asked hopefully.
"I'm afraid not," Linda answered sympathetically. "This is Erin. She is a friend, and she was hoping to visit with you."
Erin stepped forward, hoping for something... some glimmer.... some awakening... the way she herself had so recently awoken. She looked into her mother's eyes for several long moments.
Even Linda began to hope....
Betty blinked. "Hello Miss Erin, pleased to meet you. I can't wait for you to meet my Louise, she'll be here soon."
Erin sat on the bench next to her mother, a tear falling from her eye. Linda put her hand on her shoulder and gave her a squeeze, then left to give them some privacy.
Erin gave herself a moment to collect herself, a few tears had fallen. "Louise sounds like a special person. Can you tell me about her?"
Oh, Betty could. Erin was amazed at the excitement, the passion in her old mother's voice as she talked about her lost lover, as if they'd only been together the day before. Without shame her mother told her about a 'recent' date where they stepped out to the river, under their large willow, and made love for the first time. Erin had never heard her mother speak about anyone or anything in this way, sharing her whole heart. Erin felt a small pang of bitterness that her mother had never opened up to her like this before, but realized it wasn't her mother's fault. The compound had destroyed so many lives. She had missed part of what her mother was saying as she fell into her own thoughts, but snapped back to listening when she heard her mother say, "... and I hope she realizes that I love her with all my heart, and I'm sorry and I never meant to do anything that hurt her."
"Mom.... who do you mean?" Erin asked desperately.
Betty looked at her, blinked once, twice. "Why Louise, of course. She'll be here soon. You can meet her."
The tears again rolled down Erin's face.
Things were quiet, after. Erin took a deep breath. "Mom... Betty.... I have close friends like your Louise, too. Would you like to hear about them?"
"Of course, dear. After all this time I've been prattling on. Of course, tell me about your friends."
Erin took a deep breath. "My parents were older when they had me, I was the youngest of all of my siblings. I know my parents loved me, but they never seemed to have much time for me. I always figured it was because they were older, and they had a business they ran together.... but now I understand they had other problems from when someone hurt them badly and they never got over it. But they loved me the best they could and provided me with a babysitter they thought they could trust, our next door neighbor. I feel deeply in love with him, as much as a young girl can. Through him I met the best women in the world." Finally, with no deception or deflection or subterfuge, Erin was able to spend the afternoon telling her mother the real story of her life.
++++
Linda and Larry insisted she stay in their guest bedroom, and that night at their dinner table Erin would laugh and smile at the adorable baby making a mess of things as Larry fed her smooshed carrots out of a jar. The baby smiled and laughed a lot and Erin, even in her melancholy mood, was helpless to not laugh with her.
Afterwards Larry insisted the ladies have a glass of wine on the screened in porch and he would straighten up.
Things were quiet. Linda had questions but not while Erin was a houseguest.
Erin wanted to talk, anyway. "I never realized how much keeping everything from her hurt me. I got it all out, today... and I feel hollow now... like so much... baggage... that I've been carrying is just gone. And she doesn't even know who I am."
Linda reached over and put her hand on Erin's arm. "Erin... she is the parent, you are the child. None of this is your fault. We get the lives we get, and we do the best we can. We both understand what was done to her for her entire life. I'm a professional and have had plenty of time to analyze it and I still can't comprehend how your parents were able to lie to themselves for so long. They raised two children before you, and I understand they are generally functional, if full of plenty of unresolved issues regarding distant parents. And I think we understand why that is, now," Linda said pointedly. "But your parents spent a lifetime trying to be something they weren't. An entire lifetime. Can you imagine the magnitude of that? The enormity?"
Erin could. She had come so close to that, herself.
Linda heard. "The only duty you have to her, as a daughter, is to make sure she is cared for now that she is unwell. You have, she can stay with me as long as she needs. But also understand that I know your mother would want you to be happy. Since I became a mom," and she glanced in through the doorway at her Larry cleaning up Rebecca's face... "Everything changed for me... now all I want is for her to have a happy life. I will do everything I can to make sure that happens. Your parents did the same for you, as well as they could. But you should do that, now."
"Be happy?" Erin asked.
"Be happy," Linda confirmed. "Are you going back out to the ranch? Do you think you'll settle there?"
Erin looked out the window, into Linda's big back yard. She smiled, softly. "I think I am. I can't think of anywhere else I want to be."
Linda smiled, "I think that's a really good decision. That place is amazing, and I think it is a wonderful environment for you, and you have Mary there. She was hoping you'd stay, I talked to her when you were on your flight here."
Erin smiled, knowing someone wanted her around... it just felt so nice. "I don't fly out until tomorrow evening, can I spend the morning with my mom, again?"
Linda answered, "Erin, honey, you can see her whenever you want. She's your mom."
"Thanks for everything," Erin told her. "Things would be so much worse if you hadn't been so great."
Linda took her hand, and held it.
++++
Erin did spend the morning with her mother, she would ask her about Louise, and her life as a young girl growing up on a farm that she'd never even known about. Erin told her mother more about her friends, talking about the good times. It pleased Erin somehow that she could talk to her mother about her sexual relationships with her girlfriends, and her mother understood and accepted it completely. It made Erin feel happier, somehow.
Dr. Marcus observed them as she could, but late morning she had another session with Marnie, a once adorable but now severely damaged 7 year old girl who'd just survived a tragedy. She had been at home that night with her parents, older brother, and older sister when two men performed a home invasion. Everyone was tied up in the living room and they all watched their father get shot in the head. Then she watched her mother and older sister get raped repeatedly, and after an hour her older brother. It went on for most of the night, the men going from bound person to bound person. Then they noticed her, and she wasn't spared, either. They took her until she bled from everywhere. When they were done the men set the house on fire and left. Marnie was able to get her small hands out of her bindings. She tried to rescue everyone, her mother just moaning, "Marnie.. get out... get out of the house..." as the flames were beginning to lick her bare feet.
It got so hot... it hurt... Marnie was scared, and she did leave. She hadn't spoken at all since that night her entire family was raped and murdered in front of her eyes nearly three weeks ago. She simply stared off into space wherever her head happened to be facing. Linda was worried about her. She wouldn't even respond to pain stimulus. Linda was afraid that Marnie was trapped... locked... in that night.
Their session was ineffectual, as they always were. No matter what Linda said she just couldn't get the girl to respond. The session ended and Marnie was wheeled out to the common area where she would be fed. Linda joined Erin and Betty for lunch, Erin doing her best to keep a brave face, Linda could tell she wanted her mom back and what she had become was painful for her daughter.... but Linda could see Erin understood, and persevered. She even thought Betty was a little more animated today than usual, whether it was because she knew deep down that Erin was her daughter, or just Erin's sunny personality. For some reason. Linda examined Erin's face.
"Erin, could you wait a moment please?" Lunch was over and Linda had a thought.
"Sure."
They sat, and Linda told Erin about Marnie, who was now sitting in what had been Mary's favorite corner. The sun was shining in, the little girl looked so small and pale. Erin was shocked at what she had heard about the girl. "I know you have to leave in a few hours... but could you sit for a while and just talk to her? I'm not getting through. Maybe there's just something about me.... maybe she senses I haven't been through anything like what she has been. And what you have been through." And she looked at Erin pointedly.
"What do you want me to say?" Erin asked.
"Nothing. Just talk to her. Tell her about you."
Erin looked back over at Marnie. "Sure, if you think it would help."
"Thank you," Linda said, watched Erin walk over, and went to the observation deck to turn on cameras and microphones in that corner.
As Erin walked over to what had been Mary's favorite spot to sit she noticed a plaque on the wall, "For the contribution by Mary Donners Taylor of $1 million dollars to help those who are lost." And then under that, "We bring in strays, it's what we do."
Erin smiled when she saw. She read that last part in Junior's voice.
She sat next to the girl in the wheelchair, making sure to sit sort of within her line of sight as Linda had suggested. The sun coming in the window set Erin's hair alight, making it glow as if with a halo. "Hi, I'm Erin," she said, looking out the window, squinting as her eyes adjusted to the bright light.
"There's a name on the wall next to you, it's my friend Mary. She used to stay here too. They tell me that for the longest time all she could do was scream, she kept having nightmares about her life. Her horrible life."
Erin told Marnie about Mary. Mary's uncle. The rapes... she understood she didn't need to hide that from Marnie, Marnie had lived it. How she had met Mary and tried to help her, and nearly died herself for it. She told her long story, how she'd been connected to Mary, so broken for so long and had never realized their connection. How Mary had finally been there when Erin needed her most, and saved her life. How Mary had stayed, and loved her, and cared for her. Mary's life, once lost, saved by Erin. Erin's life, once lost, then saved by Mary.
She hardly looked at Marnie, just spoke, there in her line of sight.
She told Marnie about her mother, another guest here. Her life stolen from her. She told her about Linda, and how it must feel like to be a mother, her hand going unconsciously to her tummy to her own missing babies. "She told me last night that since her baby was born, her whole life changed... now the only thing she cares about is that her daughter is happy. Isn't that so strange?"
Marnie's eyes began to water.
"Our mothers give up their whole lives for us," Erin said, looking out the window. "They change their whole lives and all they want is for their daughters to be happy. To have happy lives. But sometimes that is hard for us, isn't it," and Erin looked at her.
Marnie's eyes looked back at her, at the girl with the blonde hair that looked like an angel with a halo. Erin saw a tear roll down her cheek.
With a voice cracked from disuse a little girl cried out, "I tried to save them, I tried to save my mommy but I couldn't," and she sobbed.
Erin went to her, knelt, and held her as the little girl wrapped her arms around her shoulders and cried.
Copyright 2016: "Marissa Banks." Rights reserved. Not for reuse without express written consent of the author. All content is purely fictional; any similarities to actual persons or events is pure coincidence. Reader must be of legal age in the judicial area he/she resides. Reproductions of the fiction contained herein or linked from here may not be used in whole or in part without express permission from the author.