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WARNING!
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LIFESTYLE CHOIUCES I HAVE MADE
By Kelly
pghpa_girl@yahoo.com
http://www.pghpagirl.com
I sat down and wrote this out for the first time one day in
when I was in a rather melancholy mood as much to try and
understand myself as anything else. I found out long ago
that when I write things down it helps me to clarify the issues
and make decisions. When I compare where I was before I
went to college and where I am now, I see how the
experience has caused me to make significant changes in
some of my beliefs and adjust my lifestyle after growing up
rather comfortably at home for my first 18 years. I started
having sex when I was fourteen and before I graduated from
high school I had been with a total of ten guys, including my
father. I had also been with three women although none my
age my mom, aunt and my mom's best friend. Not exactly
the school slut but more than most girls I knew. Of course,
that doesn't count the guys who I gave blowjobs to. I
stopped counting as I can't think of anyone I dated who
didn't get one from me! I didn't let most of them touch me
but there's just something about a cock that I can't resist! So
anyway, when I left for college I had a boyfriend who I
thought loved me, a high school diploma with a 4.0 average,
lots of good friends, and a healthy sex life both with my
boyfriends and at home. As I said, I was pretty comfortable
with my life at that time and although I was going to school
over 3 hours away, I wasn't anticipating the changes that
were soon to come!
The first shock came when I had barely started my freshman
year at school and I got an e-mail from my boyfriend saying
he was seeing other girls now at his college since I was so
far away. Well so much for loving me! I realized then he
had been using me just for sex and now that I wasn't there to
give it to him he was out for someone else's pussy!
Although I don't mind as occasional spontaneous sexual
encounter, from the time I lost my virginity I had always had
a steady boyfriend upon whom I could depend on for a the
steady diet of the cock I craved. Now I was in college and
no boyfriend. Although it has been hard not to have reliable
guy for sex, I have learned to deal with it and ever since then
I have not had a steady boyfriend nor do I plant to until I
graduate and I can be with somebody full-time and close by.
Losing a boyfriend was not the only lifestyle change I had to
make though at school. Despite the sexual frustrations that I
quickly learned arose from being away from my friends and
family, from the beginning I play it pretty much by the rules of
the Christian university that I attend. We are required to
abstain from personal misconduct as well as refrain from
participating in "inappropriate" entertainment forms including
involvement with pornography or any form of promiscuous
entertainment. We are told that the idea is to build character
and promote unity, peace, and the holy lifestyles of the
community. Well, if you have been reading about me and
know the least bit about my past, you should know how I feel
about these subjects. Don't get me wrong, I am not
complaining about the rules I knew full well what they were
when I decided to come here. People have asked me why I
chose a school with such rules given the sexually permissive
lifestyle I prefer. What most people who only know that side
of me don't seem to understand is that I also have strong
personal convictions as a Christian; convictions which
regardless of what some would argue, I do not believe
conflict with my more "personal" activities. This school
addresses my spiritual needs in ways no public school ever
could. Finally, believe it or not and contrary to popular
opinion there is more to college than parties and sex. In
choosing a college I first and foremost wanted an education
that would best prepare me for the teaching career I have
always wanted. Why waste four years going to an
expensive university just to hang a piece of paper on the
wall?
The end result is that I have settled into what I believe is a
good compromise for my lifestyle. At school and church I
behave in accordance with their rules (at least publicly). I
don't think it is unfair of them to expect that I respect their
beliefs and requirements. After all, what right do I really
have to impose my views on them since I have the option to
make another choice? Away from these situations I follow
my own convictions and values that have been instilled in
me by my parents and community. As an example of this
philosophy in action, my college freshman roomie Brenda
was bisexual and early on we forged an intimate
relationship. While we were never "lovers", we both enjoyed
each other sexually and to this day we continue to be close
friends. However, such a relationship would be grounds for
expulsion here so we always kept our activities behind our
closed dorm door and otherwise away from school For
instance, there were times when I would visit her home in a
nearby town. Other than Brenda, I initially limited my sexual
activities at school to masturbation. In fact, except for one
encounter with Brenda's brother late in the school year, the
only real sex I had during my freshman year came when I
was back home where I always made up for lost time!
At school another lifestyle change arose thanks to the
Internet. I have always chatted with friends and family but it
was just a way to communicate about family and other
gossip. Then at the start of the second semester of my
freshman year I created a new Yahoo profile and signed up
for an adult-oriented web site. It started as a dare and I
never expected to do it for long but to my surprise I found it
to be a lot of fun and before long I was hooked. It was a bit
risky given that the school monitors our web activities but it
was exciting to talk to people about sex in such an open
way. Other than my family, I had never discussed most of
my sexual experiences and opinions with anyone before and
I found it exhilarating at first. The only real problem was that
I only did this for fun and as a means to blow off some
steam. I never had any desire to meet anyone but it seemed
that all I got were people insisting on nude photos or wanting
me to cam with them or have phone sex with them. People
couldn't understand why I just wanted to chat but for me that
was all that I needed or wanted, an outlet to express myself
and let out my frustrations. I was pleasantly surprised at the
incredible number of responses I got from both guys and
girls, especially the way they were turned by me even in the
limited way I interacted with them.
When I first started chatting I didn't really know what to do so
I would pretend to be whoever the other person was looking
for rather than just being myself. Depending on the situation
that I was straight, bi, or a lesbian. I pretended to be every
age from a 50 year old bored housewife to an inquisitive 10
year old girl using her mommy's account. I even
experimented with cybersex. The one person I never
seemed to be though was ME. After a while though I found
that it was impossible to remember who I talked to and what
I said to them and I would find myself in a situation where
the other person got mad because the last time we chatted I
was a "different" person. In the end I found it was easier to
be myself and I abandoned the alter egos. Now I don't worry
about what I say to someone I haven't chatted with for a
while since whatever I say is based on reality and not some
lie I have to try and remember.
It didn't take long before the initial thrill wore off and I
became disillusioned. Virtually none of the "girls" were
female and few of the "couples" had a female half. To be
sure, I hooked up with a few people men, women and
couples, who were great but probably more than 90% of the
people were a waste of my time. I also grew weary of the
abuse people gave me because I wouldn't use a cam or
meet anyone I chatted with. Today I explain my reasoning
for this in detail in my FAQ article but back then I always
seemed to be having to explain myself. As for cybersex, I
realized I was being used as nothing more than a free phone
sex operator! I never did most of the things I told people I
was doing because I simply don't get off from this type of
stuff. Now to be sure I love talking about sex, fantasies, and
experiences but there is a huge difference between
discussing real life events versus pretending to have sex
with someone.
As a result of all this it only took a month before it got to the
point where I was totally disillusioned and actually quit
chatting for a while but then I decided to try again but this
time be myself. Now I seldom "cyber" unless it becomes a
natural extension of a conversation although I still find myself
drawn into in a cyber situation now and then because I am
too polite to tell guys to go away after they get started and
expect me to follow. Today I tell people my real age (20),
sexual preference (bi but leaning towards guys), and
relationship with my family (incestual since I was 16). Now if
anyone doesn't like who I am I just hit the "ignore" button
and forget about them. When someone claims to be a girl, I
am no longer afraid to ask a simple question or two that that
typically exposes most of the fakes. I simply refuse to get a
cam. Although I admit to enjoying watching a good show as
much as anyone, frankly I have never understood why
anyone would display themselves and do the things some
people do for a total stranger they really know nothing about.
I also have learned that most people don't realize their cam
images can be easily recorded and distributed. The final
sticking point for most people is my "no meeting" rule. Again
I explain this in detail in my FAQ but simply put I tell people
things as pghpa_girl about myself and my family that I would
never tell anyone that knew me. I am not ashamed of incest
nor do I feel there is anything wrong with it, but I am sensible
enough to understand that society in general does not agree
with me. I would never jeopardize my family or my future by
exposing our lifestyle to our community so therefore anyone
who knows about it (meaning anyone who has accessed my
Yahoo! profile) is someone I can't meet.
One thing I found frustrating was that people kept asking me
the same questions over and over plus they all wanted me to
tell them about my sexual history. That's what motivated me
to a new lifestyle change where I started writing my diary
stories first to avoid repeating myself and second to
provide more details than I ever could in an HIM
environment. It wasn't hard to come up with story ideas I
just broke out my old diary and expanded on a number of
shorter stories I had written about my sexual experiences.
Even back then I found it a bit titillating to write about what I
did even though my early works were nothing more than
some notes and comments. I refer to this as a lifestyle
change as I found that the process of polishing them up and
filling in the gap often proved to be an intense erotic
experience where more often than not I take a break to
masturbate while I close my eyes and recall those pleasant
experiences (at lost most are).
During summer break after my freshman year my lifestyle
absorbed more changes when my best friend Beth
introduced me to the world of sex parties and I even started
having sex with my cousin Kristi who, unknown to me until
then, had been fucking my dad the whole while I had been
away at school. Maybe the most significant event of that
summer was how my father and I became so more intimate
than we ever had been before. I think after the separation of
my first year of my college we both realized more than ever
how special our relationship was. I crave his love and there
is nothing that I wouldn't do for him, nothing I would ever
deny him. My happiest moments that summer were when I
laid next him with his hard cock throbbing in my pussy,
joined together with him in the most intimate way a father
and daughter can be.
My sophomore year proved to much different than my
freshman year though and after such an intense summer the
transition was harder than I expected. Brenda now lived at
home as it is only 10 miles away and the on-campus living
costs after the first year were too high for her parents to
afford another year. I lost the lottery for an apartment so I
ended up in the dorm again with a new roomie who was
sweet but most definitely not bisexual! Karen was a virgin
who believed that even masturbation is form of sex and thus
is not to be done before marriage. To make it even harder,
Karen was an absolute babe and didn't mind showing herself
off. She even let me take pictures of her when she dressed
up in hot clothes and skimpy bikinis while we are away from
school. Brenda invited Karen and me to her home several
times and I was floored when I first saw Karen's black bikini!
She slept in panties or loose gym shorts with a t-shirt and
usually without covers no matter how cold it is. Once she fell
asleep it would have taken Armageddon to wake her before
morning so I spent many a night enjoying the view while I
dream and masturbated about what being in bed with her.
Given the school I attend I never expected that I would be so
lucky my second year as I was my freshman year when it
came to roommates. However, going from a roomie I shared
a bed with to one that didn't even like me to walk around
nude in my own dorm room was more of a transition than I
had anticipated. This was the first time since I first had sex
at the age of 14 that I went for weeks without sex and I
myself feeling more horny than I had ever been in my life.
Although I met with Brenda privately a few times and had
some fun visits by my parents a couple of weekends, I still
got to the point at times I wanted to scream from the
pressure of my pent-up sexual needs and emotions. After a
couple of months I was so overwhelmed I broke down and
went to a frat party in Columbus with some girls. It was
exciting and incredibly erotic to be fucked right in the middle
of the living room with so many strangers watching. At the
time I didn't care what anyone thought of me - all I knew was
that I was finally being fucked again and I loved every minute
it. The only problem was that the drunk party scene
definitely turned me off so I have not been to such a party
since then.
After a fantastic and erotic Christmas break at home I felt
even more "in need" than ever a few weeks after the 2nd
semester started. I was getting more desperate every day
and soon I found myself looking at options which I would
never have even thought about, let alone seriously consider.
The only analogy I can think of is it must be like a drug
addict who finds herself stealing to feed her addiction. She
doesn't want to break the law but it's the only way to satisfy
her need. For me sex is like a drug I crave it and NEED it
so whatever it took I was willing to do it.
Since starting school as a freshman I have worked with a
local church's youth group. The group consists of up to
twenty 12-15 year olds, many of them who are becoming
sexually active or want to be. As I got hornier by the day I
found myself doing some incredible fantasizing about having
sex with a cute boy and his sexy younger sister that I saw
each week. Although nothing actually happened, (and I
can't conceive that it ever would!), I felt such a strong lust
that I wrote up my feelings as stories in the "Fantasies"
section of my website.
I may have been almost crazy with lust but I wasn't insane. I
knew that the possibility of anything like these fantasies
really happening was non-existent so I kept looking into
other options to satisfy my ever-increasing sexual cravings.
Finally it reached the point where I knew I had to do
SOMETHING. I wasn't sleeping at night and my grades
were starting to slip since it seemed all I could think about
was sex and more sex. I started cutting classes so I could
go back to my room and masturbate all day. At night my
studying took a back seat as I would just lay in bed and
played with myself as I dreamed of being with my dad or one
of my old friends. At church I couldn't take my eyes off the
young boys and girls I worked with, dreaming of what I would
love to do with them. Even my roomie was worried about
me although she was completely wrong about what the
problem was. She figured I was just homesick or having
boyfriend problems. As a virgin she would never have
understood me if I had tried to tell the real problem I
needed sex and I was getting to the point of doing almost
anything to get it!
One idea that kept coming to mind was becoming an escort.
I don't mean one of the web whores you find on the Internet
all the time, but instead working for a respectable agency. I
looked in he phone book and searched the Internet and then
contacted a couple companies in the Columbus are,
eventually deciding on one a try. I found one company that
specialized in providing young girls under 21. They claimed
to check out all of their the clients and dealt almost
exclusively with older married guys from out of town. There
was supposedly a high demand for college girls and while
the pay wasn't all the great I was told that the tips could be
pretty high, especially if I gave the customers some "extra"
attention. I went in for an "interview" and it didn't take long to
convince the manager of my qualifications. I also agreed to
do a couple of bachelor parties which turned out to be the
highlight of my new "career": I found it amazing how having
sex again rejuvenated me and so I felt like a new woman.
The gang bang fucking I got at first the bachelor party
especially recharged me and my test scores soon returned
back to norm.
The first few escort assignments went well but the last one
showed me what a risk I was taking. I was basically gang
raped after someone misrepresented themselves to my
agency and as a result I ended my escorting career before I
really got hurt. Besides, it was almost time for summer
vacation again anyone so getting sex wasn't going to be an
issue, at least not for the next few months! This past
summer didn't have all the new lifestyle changes as the one
did after my freshman year but it did help to cement them in.
Once again I realized how special my family relationships
were. My dad and I didn't miss a day the entire summer!
Interestingly, I didn't go to as many sex parties as I had the
previous summer. Although they can be fun at the right time
and place, I doubt I will ever include them as part of my
"normal" lifestyle. Unless there is an opportunity to try out
something new I don't want to go just for the sex since it
lacks emotion along with any trace of intimacy. Perhaps the
biggest change for me this past summer was being
instrumental in expanding our family "circle" to include part of
my dad's side of the family tree. One of my uncles and his
son now fuck me and my mom regularly (well, at least my
mom and hopefully me once I get home again!). I also had
sex with my youngest cousin Tammy which fulfilled my
dreams of being intimate with a 13 year old girl. Since this
was within the confines of my family, being with her was OK
so far as I was concerned although my mom wasn't so sure
about it! My cousin Rick is the youngest boy in our family so
since he is 17 that means I will never know what it is like to
be with a younger boy, at least that is until I'm a mom with
my own son!
So now I am back on campus for my junior year. Being it's
my third year I am much less naοve than I was as a freshman
so I know that there will undoubtedly be more lifestyle
changes and while I have no idea what they will be, at least
now I expect them; in fact, the first possibility is already
taking shape! After having roomies at the extreme ends of
the sexual spectrum, this year I have Jen who falls about in
the middle. A perky young ex-cheerleader (she skipped a
year of elementary school so she is a year younger than
me), we share a room in a three bedroom on-campus
apartment along with four other girls. Jen is certainly no
virgin but she has never been with a girl and despite my best
efforts so far, she shows no interest in changing her mind. I
could tell she was not accustomed to having a roomie as
open-minded like me before but it didn't take long for her to
loosen up and be herself. We have shared most of our
sexual experiences and preferences (of course, I haven't
told her about my family experiences). She was a bit
shocked to learn I started having sex at 14 but then she lost
her virginity when she was only 16 so it wasn't like she was
THAT much older. Unlike me though after her first time she
didn't do it again until this past summer but once she started
with her current boyfriend it was like opening the flood gates!
Now she was almost as horny for him as I was for sex in
general so it didn't take too much on my part to convince her
to sleep nude for the first time in her life and then to
masturbate with me there doing the same. We haven't gone
beyond that point but she has almost totally overcome her
embarrassment of me watching her and her seeing me do it
as well. As for me, just being able to play with myself openly
again at school has been a relief although I could still use a
good fucking now and then! Thank god for parent's
weekend and then later Brenda's brother!
While the last couple of years have led to a number of
changes in my lifestyle, I think it has been positive in that I
am more comfortable with who I am now than I have ever
been before. It's not that I was UN-comfortable before, but I
didn't really think about it in those terms. Now I have had the
chance to evaluate who and what I am.
Sooooooo, who am I? This is how I would describe myself
I am a loving and caring person who is concerned about the
well being of those around me. I am very family oriented
and put my family relationships above all others except God.
I can be very emotional and I need someone in my life with
whom I can be intimate and open with completely in every
way. I am extremely religious and consider myself an
exceptionally moral and ethical person. I admit that I have
been conflicted at times when I am with a married man and
find myself turned on knowing I am so sexy and desirable
that he is willing to break his vows to his wife just to be with
me, but in the end I consider those to be HIS vows and thus
HIS issue, not mine. I would never do such a thing to my
husband and he had better not to me!
I love to lead an active lifestyle. Although I do poorly in most
sports I do water-ski and love to do anything associated with
the outdoors hike, camp, swim, etc. I love to read and see
a good movie with a friend. I spent most of my teen years
physically behind most girls my age which a few amateur
psychiatrists have tried to link to my craving for attention
from men. I like to think I am more secure than that though.
I realize I am never going to be a Victoria's Secret model but
I am also self-aware enough to realize I am not ugly or plain
either. I know that most men find me attractive, if more in a
"girl-next-door" way, and I have learned to use my looks to
my advantage.
While I enjoy teasing men as a hobby (sorry guys but it's
fun!), I also realize that I physically need a steady diet of sex
in order to be healthy. At this stage of my life I want to
experiment and have fun when it comes to sex with no
strings or commitments of any kind. Of course, the more
crazy and forbidden it is, the better at least within certain
limits. I readily admit to having an overactive imagination
and I love to fantasize about lots of naughty things. In the
end though, I can separate reality from fantasy and know
where to draw the line. Don't let my chatting or stories fool
you into thinking otherwise!
For now I am not interested in a steady boyfriend. I know I
will have found the right man when he can physically satisfy
me the way my father does and loves me as intimately as
my mother. I will be faithful to my husband and we will raise
our son and daughter in an open and intimate lifestyle. I
don't need to be rich but there's something to be said for not
being poor!
Well, that's who I am, at least today. There will be more
lifestyle changes I am sure so who I am tomorrow may be
different! Do you know who you are? I suggest sitting down
like I did and write out the major events of your life and how
they molded you into the person you are today it certainly
helped me gain focus on my world!
0040 Lifestyle Choices I Have Made