Madam
Jillinghoff’s
Madam
Jillinghoff’s Bedroom Rhymes
were suggested by a reading of
The Real Mother Goose, as
illustrated by Blanche Fisher Wright. It was delightful and thought-provoking
to rediscover rhymes I had long forgotten, or had never heard recited in full,
and even more so to read for the first time verses I hadn’t known at all.
Almost at once I began to think in terms of erotic parody, which, over time,
fell into three main groups. In the first, the smallest, I took existing rhymes
(“Polly Flinders,” “Roger and Dolly”), reproduced them verbatim and added a few
lines. The second group, slightly larger, consists of verses that are original
in content but obviously modeled on Mother Goose, such as “Frumpy Dumpy,”
“Cheerleader Tiffany,” and “Misty McGuffin.” The longest and most elaborate of
these is “Existential Nude Female,” a retelling of “The Old Woman and The
Pedlar.”
All of the rhymes in the first two groups appear at the front of the collection, after the introductory sea shanty, “The Lay of Mary Dawkins.”
April 13, 2015
When I was a girl, I dressed as a boy
And ran away to sea.
I learned my ropes aboard a ship
They called the Saint Maree.
She sailed from Philadelphia
To fetch some China tea
With fifty able-bodied men
As randy as could be.
We’d barely weathered Lewes’
Cape
Before I had the shock
Of seeing one man kneeling
down
To suck another’s cock.
The men grew lustier each day,
And as we reached the Horn
They pumped the bilge as naked
As the day that they were
born.
The captain kept me for
himself.
He called me to his side.
“A pretty, beardless boy,” he
said,
“Will make a handsome bride!”
But when he loos’d my
pantaloons
He got a big surprise.
Astonishment and sheer delight
Were writ upon his eyes.
“Why, you’re no lad!” the
captain cried.
“ ’Tis plain for all to see!
At last we’ll have a proper
shag
Aboard the Saint Maree!
”
He stripped me bare and threw me down
Upon the captain’s bunk
And sucked my tits and kissed my cunt
And showered me with spunk.
And then he called the second mate
And showed him what he’d found
And gave the order, “Rouse the crew
And pass the slut around!”
I came a dozen times that day.
I came a hundred later.
And the men who sail Magellan’s Straits
Have never sailed them straighter.
Frumpy Dumpy loved a great lay,
Frumpy Dumpy had a great day,
Availing herself of the phallic resources
Cheerleader Tiffany, come, shake your cans!
The team’s on the field, the crowd’s in the stands.
Where is she, now that they’re ready to rock?
I play with my kitty.
She’s so warm and sweet.
She sits in my lap,
And I give her a treat.
I pet her and stroke her
And tickle her nose,
And soon I’m in heaven,
Curling my toes.
All through the evening
And all the next day,
Kitty and I will happily play.
Kitty will purr
While I set to humming,
And I and my Kitty —
Oh fuck it I’m coming!
Misty McGuffin
Misty McGuffin
Buttered her muffin
High on a kitchen stool.
She stuck in her thumb
And made herself come
And said, “Girls fucking rule!”
There was a girl, I’ve heard it said,
Who bravely kept her maidenhead.
She kept it pure, and she kept it clean
Until she was almost seventeen.
And then her high school football star
Took her to a college bar,
And when her head was turned, he threw
A rufie in her Mountain Dew.
She woke up on the football grounds.
Her clothes were nowhere to be found.
Her cell phone, too, and keys were gone,
And all the stadium lights were on.
“Oh my!” she said. “I’m in a jam.
I can’t remember who I am.
A girl like me, without her clothes —
Who she is, nobody knows.
“But I’ve an aunt who lives nearby.
She can tell me who am I.
B
ut if she won’t, which
cannot be,
I’ll know my body isn’t me.”
The girl ran naked through the night
Until the aunt’s house came in sight.
“Aunt,” she called, “please come and see,
And tell me if my body’s me.”
“The niece I know,” the aunt replied,
“Would never be caught dead outside
Without her clothes. It’s clear to me
Your naked body isn’t she.”
With that, the woman slammed the door
And left the girl alone once more.
“Oh no!” the girl began to cry.
“My naked body isn’t I!”
He was a little man, but he was hung, hung, hung,
And he grabbed a little chippie who was young, young,
young.
When he filled her little pussy she would shout, shout,
shout,
And she begged him never ever pull it out, out, out.
But he spun her ’round and fucked her little bum, bum,
bum,
And the pain-us in her anus made her cum, cum, cum.
Milquetoast Mort
Was very short.
His wife was very svelte.
And every night
He bound her tight
One misty, moisty midnight
When foggy was the weather,
I met a mannish biker dyke
All dressed up in leather.
She took me out behind the bar
And socked me on the chin.
Make me hurt and make me hurt
And make me hurt again.
Piddle piddle pumpkin, fair Siobhan
Slept in the meadow with nothing on
Except for a pair of green-striped socks,
Chlorophyll Grass
Had a beautiful ass,
And a beautiful ass she had.
Its photo was seen
In a men’s magazine,
Where it drove all the little boys mad.
A stalker named Giles
Traveled three thousand miles
To be counted as Chlorophyll’s suitor,
But was shattered to find
That her gorgeous behind
A is for Anthill, the tiniest mound.
B’s a Bit Bigger, pointed but round.
C’s give you Cleavage, the heavenly gutter.
D’s are the Domes that make men think of Mutter.
E is for Extra Large Eggs in a sack.
F is for Fullness that bothers your back.
G is Gigantic, like two Granite boulders.
H is so Heavy the straps cut your shoulders.
I is Impossible.
Yankee Diddle
Yankee Diddle went to town
To flirt with Peggy Shippen,
Caught her balling Gen’ral Howe
And gave them both a whippin’.
Yankee Diddle loves the girls,
May unto December.
Yankee Diddle, keep it up
(By which we mean your member).
Off he sailed across the Pond
To flip the Queen the bird,
Stuck a feather in her kootch,
Which tickled George the Third.
Yankee Diddle loves his country.
He’s our Yankee booster.
Yankee Diddle, raise the flag
(By which we mean your rooster).
Andy Krupp, a randy pup,
Screwed the girls and knocked them up.
Then their fathers came to see him.
Now he’s in a mausoleum.
Old Mr. Moorehouse
Went to the whorehouse
To give his poor boner a lift.
But he grew apprehensive,
And whores are expensive,
And so his poor boner went pfft!
He went to the corner
To get some more cash;
When he came back
The girls were all smashed.
He went to the diner
To get them some javas;
When he came back
They wore balaclavas.
He went to the baker’s
To buy them some scones;
When he came back
They had dressed up as nuns.
He went to the sweet shop
To buy them s’mores;
When he came back
They were wearing chadors.
He went to the sex shop
To purchase some clamps;
When he came back
They all had the cramps.
He went to the drug store
To buy them some pills;
When he came back
They were paying their bills.
He logged on to Facebook
To give them a “like”;
When he logged off
The girls were on strike.
He telephoned Wall Street
To find them a broker;
When he hung up
They were playing strip poker.
He went to the grocer’s
To get them some food;
When he came back
They were totally nude.
He called his connection
To buy them some drugs;
When he came back
They were pinching their dugs.
He went to the jeweler’s
To buy them some bling;
When he came back,
They laughed at his thing.
He went to the shelter
To get them a pup;
When he came back,
The girls tied him up.
They spanked him. They whipped
him.
They forced him to bow.
“Bad dog!” said the hookers.
The man said, “Bow-wow!”
Little Polly Flinders
Sat among the cinders,
Warming her pretty little toes;
Her mother came and caught her
And was angry with her daughter
For soiling her nice new clothes.
So taking out her whip,
She made her daughter strip
And threw the naked child o’er her knees,
And she gave her such a thrashing
And a vicious verbal lashing
That Polly ever more preferred to freeze.
Young Roger came knocking at Dolly’s window.
Thumpety, thumpety, thump!
He asked for admittance. She answered him, “No!”
Frumpety, frumpety, frump!
“No, no, Roger, no, as you came you may go!”
Stumpety, stumpety, stump!
She made him so angry, he called her a ho.
Strumpety, strumpety, strump!
Which tickled her so much she gave him a throw.
Humpety, humpety, hump!
Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your knee —
If you laugh, you don’t love me.
Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your thigh —
If you laugh, you’ll make me cry.
Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your sex —
If you laugh, you’ll miss what’s next.
Suzie, Suzie, sleepyhead,
Take off your nightgown and climb into bed.
I’ll read you one story,
I’ll sing you two rhymes,
I’ll give you three cookies
And kiss you four times —
Once on your tummy,
Twice on your knees,
And once on the button
That makes you sneeze.
Spanking Song
Prepare yourself, young lady,
For a spanking from your Dad.
You are naughty! naughty! naughty!
And you’re bad! bad! bad!
He’ll turn your tender bottom red
And set your head awhirl.
You’re a dirty! dirty! dirty!
Little girl! girl! girl!
And if you cry or whimper
He will spank you all the more.
You’re a filthy! filthy! filthy!
Little whore! whore! whore!
The neighbors’ girl Jude
Hung their laundry out nude,
While her kid sister Rose
Washed their car without clothes.
Was there ever a guy
As happy as I?
My daughter Dawn
Has nothing on.
Not caring to hide,
She wanders outside,
Where she catches the eye
Of a boy driving by
Who’s so greatly disturbed
That his car jumps the curb
And rolls up on our lawn,
Where it flattens poor Dawn.
“Little Johnny Jerk-off,
What are you holding?
If your mother finds out,
She will give you a scolding.”
“She can holler and threaten,
I care not a drop,
For I’d gladly be yelled at
Rather than stop.”
“Little Johnny Jerk-off,
Spurting and dripping.
If your mother finds out,
She will give you a whipping.”
“She can spank me and beat me,
I really don’t mind.
For rather than stop,
I would gladly go blind.”
Wood
Pussy, Wood Pussy, how do you do?
You’re
just an old skunk, but I’m like you.
Guys
take me out to the forest to screw,
And everyone calls me a Wood Pussy, too.
Young Anna Partridge climbed up a tree,
And the boys down below were delighted to see
That her feet, and her legs, and her bottom were bare,
For she had on a dress, but no underwear.
From one narrow angle they were able to catch
A shadowy glimpse of her smooth, hairless snatch.
Did it get them excited? Well, how could it not,
To look up and look at a little girl’s twat?
So, huddled together, they played a new game:
They took out their wieners and jacked till they came.
Anna looked down and laughed, and was happy to be
The most beautiful blossom they saw in the tree.
And many years later, as Christmas drew near,
And carolers caroled, a song caught her ear,
And Anna remembered that spring day when she
Bared the peach on a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
Here are the mountains,
Here is the plain,
Here is the well that catches the rain.
Here is the forest,
Here is the bog,
And here’s the tiny acorn —
Oh!
My!
Here is where the baby eats,
Here is where she grew,
Here’s the little slot
Daddy’s penis went through.
Here is where the Mommy poops,
Here is where she pisses,
And here’s the spot that makes her come,
Danielle, Danielle,
A pretty young belle,
Walked into school one day
Au naturel.
The girls said, “Disgusting!”
The boys said, “Hooray!”
And Danielle’s favorite teacher
Gave her an “A.”
A curly-haired kitty who lived in the valley
Went to the city and walked through the alley,
Where stood a tall soldier in purple and red,
With bulbous black boots and a helm on his head.
“Kitty,” said he, “if I may be so bold,
With your rosy-pink nose and your ringlets of gold,
What are you doing alone in the city —
A perilous place for a tender young kitty?”
“I’m taking this basket,” the kitten replied,
“To my sister, who lives on the Lower East Side.”
“And what does your basket contain, if you please?”
“Cherries and berries and soft runny cheese.”
“Then give me a taste,” the soldier requested.
“I promise you’ll go on your way unmolested.”
The kitten refused him without thinking twice,
And he called her a name that was not very nice.
But she laughed, and she mewed as she ran away quick,
“I might be a pussy, but you’re a BIG DICK.”
Peeping
Tom went out at night
To see
what folks were doing.
He
watched the children take their baths
And
caught their parents screwing.
He
spied on teenage girls and boys
Drinking
beer and doping,
Then
getting horny on the sofa,
Making
out and groping;
And
office women, home from work
And
taking off their clothes —
Shoes
and blouses, skirts and bras,
Briefs
and pantyhose.
Peeping
Tom was just like God,
A
creeping, unseen seer,
Until
the night the cops were called,
And ended his career.
My father is a pimp,
My sister makes erotic films,
And I walk with a limp.
I tried to go to college
To have my choice of jobs,
But the Sweater-Breasted Robin said
That college is for snobs.
“Fiddle dee doo!” the Robin sang.
“Fiddle dee doo! Dee-lay!
If you keep your children safe at home,
They’ll never go astray!”
So my mother taught me all she knew,
My sister did the same,
My father got me hooked on smack
And put me in the game.
“Fiddle dee doo!” the Robin sang.
“Fiddle dee doo! Dee doo!
If you keep your children safe at home,
They’ll turn out just like you!”
In nothing but a pair of pumps
I spin around the pole.
The old guys crumple dollar bills
And toss them at my hole.
For twenty, while the music plays,
I’ll lie across your lap,
And squirm and writhe and wriggle till
Your pants are full of sap.
I loved the hungry, haunted stares,
And dancing was a ball.
Then one night Dad showed up and learned
I don’t work at the mall.
He called me “tramp” and “slut” and “whore”
And ordered me back home.
But I was cool, because I knew
Exactly why he’d come.
I took him to the back room
For a special, private show,
And when he staggered out again,
His face was all aglow.
My Daddy gave his favorite girl
A hundred-dollar tip,
To watch his baby strip.
Sister Grace and Mother Claire
Stayed in bed till evening prayer.
Shrieking rent the convent air.
Who knows what went on in there?
Mr. Z.
My homeroom teacher, Mr. Z.,
Touched me inappropriately.
He fondled my pussy, my titties and tail,
And I hope he enjoyed it,
’Cause now he’s in jail.
Spanky and Wanky, identical twins,
Were perfect sluts with chiseled chins
And shapely butts and luscious tits
And silver rings on shaven slits.
Each one had a special kink,
But wait: It’s not quite what you think.
For clarity and sense were lost
When t
heir
fetishes and names were crossed.
Spanky liked to wank the cock
Of everyone from nerd to jock,
While Wanky loved to spank their cans
With paddles, straps, or her bare hands.
Which led to great confusion when
The sisters went on dates with men
Who didn’t know what to expect
And whose requests were incorrect.
“Spank me, Spanky!” they would say,
But Spanky turned and walked away.
Or “Wanky,” they’d say, “wank me off,”
And Wanky’d only sit and scoff.
At last, the girls grew sick of it
And said together, “Fuck this shit!
Let’s stay inside, and lose the clothes,
And give each other cheery O’s.”
So “Wank me, Spanky,” Wanky said,
And Spanky gave her sister head.
And “Spank me, Wanky!” Spanky cried,
And Wanky tanned her sister’s hide.
Mary
baked a cherry pie.
Carrie
told her, “So did I.”
“Oh!”
said Mary. “How divine!
I’ll eat
yours if you eat mine.”
The
hungry girls lay side by side
And ate
each other’s cherry pie.
Their
fingers and their faces, too,
Were
quickly smeared with cherry goo,
And when
they sucked their cherry stones,
They
filled the house with sighs and groans.
Anna Crusis washed her hoosis
Lying in the tub.
She dug the way the shower spray
Massaged her swollen nub.
From Paraguay to Hudson Bay
And Kiev to Carolina,
I never knew a woman who
Had such a clean vagina.
My pussy, my cunny, my tunnel of love
Is what I can’t stop thinking of.
Look at it, lick at it, lap it until
It gives me a dirty and devilish thrill.
Clutch my clitoris, twiddle my twat.
Fuck me like hell with whatever you’ve got.
I’ll wail and I’ll ooze, I’ll gasp and I’ll cream.
I’ll climax and come with a shattering scream.
In all of creation there’s nothing I want
As much as a blast from my fabulous cunt.
Alison Flit
Was a redheaded chit
Who wouldn’t go out and play,
Preferring instead
To lie naked in bed,
Where she came seven times in one day.
“Alison dear,
Your friends are all here,”
Her mother called up the stairs.
“I’m not coming out,”
She heard Alison shout.
“You can tell them I’m saying my prayers.”
Though her daughter deceived her,
The mother believed her
’Pon pressing her ear to the door.
For she couldn’t deny
She heard Alison cry,
“Oh please, dear God, one more!”
Cousin Edwina,
Like Pallas Athena,
Enjoyed going topless
Upon the Acrop’lis.
I’d pay those teens
To take off their jeans,
Or that hot little flirt
To lift up her skirt,
Or that nasty young slut
To show me her butt
If they were all just a smidgen
More callipygian
.
Build Your Vocabulary Some More!
None’s better at apodyopsis
Than the giant Cyclops is.
He peeks through windows stories high,
Undressing women with his eye,
And lustfully begins to stroke
A drop of lotion
Applied to the clit
Will cause a fit.
“Little boy, little boy, where did you go?”
“I stepped outside to pee in the snow.”
“Little boy, little boy, what did you write?”
“ ‘I’m horny as cattle,’ in yellow and white.”
“Little girl, little girl, where did you go?”
“I went with my grandfather out to the show.”
“Little girl, little girl, what did you see?”
“A dirty old man who kept fingering me.”
What do girls complain of?
Oh, what do girls complain of?
“When boys fuck our cunts
We barely come once.”
And that’s what girls complain of.
And what do the little girls brag of?
Oh, what do the little girls brag of?
“If they leave us alone,
We come scads on our own.”
And that’s what the little girls brag of.
Oh, my pretty, handsome boy,
Who say that you adore me,
If that is true, I’m begging you:
Please
don’t
come before me!
For shakytgirl
Teacher Sally, expert in
Grammatical construction,
Was also mistress of the art
Of lesbian seduction.
She took a class of twenty girls
Reviewing verbal functions,
And ultimately led them all
Through feminine conjunctions.
Tiberius Caesar
Was a horny old geezer
Who dwelled on the Isle of Capri,
Surrounded by scads
Of lasses and lads
Kept naked by Caesar’s decree.
From two or three paces
He’d come on their faces
And laugh with imperial glee.
And they’d never complain,
Or he’d have them all slain,
Such a fun-loving ruler was he!
A trio of rockers
And sexual shockers
Incited a Pussy Riot,
But were left in the lurch
When they broke into church
And demanded a Putin-free diet.
A grouping of schoolgirls
Is known as a “passel.”
A number of schoolboys
Gives you a “hassle.”
Put them together
And you’ve got a “capture,”
And if they get naked,
You’re seeing a “rapture.”
A hunter went a-hunting
And came upon a brood
Of children playing in the woods,
And every one was nude.
He asked them where they came from.
They pointed through the wood
At a little rustic schoolhouse where
Their naked mistress stood.
She smiled when she saw him
And gestured with her arms
As if to say, “There’s no one here,
And who is being harmed?”
So the children gathered ’round him
And led him up the lane,
And the hunter and his hunting dogs
Were never seen again.
Bessie’s father had a friend.
She called him Uncle Randy.
He gave her quarters, books, and toys,
And bits of chocolate candy.
And when her father went to work
And left him home with Bess,
He sat her down upon his lap
And felt her up her dress.
My mommy’s boyfriend tucks me in
And sits with me to read a while.
He thinks his kindness sucks me in,
But I know he’s a pedophile.
Dorothy Deere was very queer.
So was Patti Patchett.
When Dorothy’s ditch began to itch,
Patti just had to
scratch it.
Katie Koppe got awfully sloppy
Kissing Connie Cricket.
Katie’s cooze began to ooze,
So Connie just had
to lick it.
Marianne and Caroline
Curled up in a sixty-nine
And gave each other tender kisses
On their tiny clitorises.
Japanese schoolgirls standing in a row,
Each with her black hair tied in a bow.
They aren’t wearing panties, so they’re naked down below,
And when they hold their skirts up, Hello Kitty says “Hello!”
Japanese schoolgirls are very pretty creatures
With golden skin and almond eyes and incandescent
features,
Sitting humbly at their desks like studious beseechers,
Or peeling off their uniforms for honorable teachers.
Pee
On me.
I’m but
A slut.
She wore a yellow raincoat,
A floppy yellow hat,
A pair of shiny yellow boots —
And nothing more than that.
She undid her yellow buttons
On misty, yellow nights,
And strolled outside and flashed herself
Beneath the yellow lights.
I’m such a naughty schoolgirl.
I’m very, very bad.
My mind is never on my work.
My teacher’s always mad.
I’m staring out the window.
My thoughts are miles away.
I’m dreaming of the things I’ll do
When I get home and play:
I’ll find my favorite dolly.
I’ll take her from the shelf.
I’ll get in bed and kiss her while
I’m playing with myself.
I really don’t have ADD.
I’m really not a dummy.
It’s just that when I touch myself
It feels so fucking
yummy.
I’m flunking out of science.
I’ll get a D in Lit.
But I’ll ace my favorite subject,
Which is Fingering My Clit.
Kiwi Berry lost her cherry
To Cal — or was it Ken?
The shame of it all was she couldn’t recall.
She had slept with so
many men.
It might have been Jack, or well-hung Zack.
It might have been Liam or Stu —
Or Immanuel Kant or Ulysses S. Grant
For all the poor girl knew.
And then there was Wade, the kid in eighth grade
On whom she developed a crush,
And even a dyke everybody called Mike,
Who would penetrate girls with a brush.
“Well, first or last, they are all in the past,”
She finally had to say.
“What matters is how many men I have now,
And how much they’re willing to pay.”
Boxcar Betty,
Backseat Sue
Want to get it on with you.
Strippers, escorts,
Girls galore —
Co-eds, trannies, dommes and more.
Give it to them
Good and hard!
AmEx, Visa, MasterCard.
BJ Nalls
Sucked my balls,
Gave my dick
A little lick,
Brushed the tip
Across her lip,
Gave the shank
A sudden yank,
And wore my jit
Upon her tit.
A beauty named Narcissa Shearer
Stripped before a three-way mirror.
She watched herself from sides and front
Stuff her fingers up her cunt.
She flicked her tongue. She licked her lips.
She squeezed her tits. She teased her nips.
She turned and took delighted peeks
At half a dozen flawless cheeks
And never showed as much affection
As when she kissed her own reflection.
A vain and silly girl, perhaps,
But, oh! She came like thunderclaps.
And when she couldn’t anymore,
She bought some bras and left the store.
Ding!
says
the bell of Saint Vincent’s,
Where the orphans are losing their innocence.
Dong!
says the bell of Saint Aidan’s,
Where the sisters are whipping
the maidens.
Ring!
says
the bell at Ignatius,
Where the priests and the boys are fellatious.
Wrong!
says the bell at Saint
Helen’s,
Where the clergy are sexual felons.
On the occasion of Pope
Benedict’s retirement
“Hail, Mary, full of grace —
What’s that white stuff on your face?
Steady, woman! I’ll be blessed!
You seem mightily distressed.”
“Rabbi, please forgive my sin.
My husband’s seed is on my chin.
Just now, in our marriage bed,
I gave my man a little head.”
“Woman, don’t be so perplexed.
There’s nothing wrong with oral sex.”
“But when my Joseph shot his wad,
He cried out, ‘Holy Mother of God!’
Our little Jesus overheard.
He took his father at his word,
And now he thinks that I gave birth
My daughter went to bed one night
As innocent as child’s play,
And while she slept, the fairies came
And stole my little girl away.
And in her place the fairies left
A proud, disdainful Fairy Queen
With coltish legs and budding breasts
Who crowned herself The Royal Teen.
Her Highness broke my every rule
On curfew and frugality,
While flaunting (just to prove she could)
Her blooming sexuality
In midriff-baring halter top
And leather micro-miniskirt
That flashed her pussy when she sat
And got my dick so hard it hurt.
She saw the way I looked at her
And felt the power beauty brings.
She wrapped her arms around my neck
And whispered, “Daddy, buy me things.”
She made me bow and lick her feet.
She made me beg, she made me crawl.
A worthless piece of shit, she said,
But in the end, I won it all —
She deigned to let me kiss her butt
And even sniff her pussy hole.
And all it cost me in return
Was, first, my pride, and then my soul.
Sweet-Tooth Lucy Proust
Is easily seduced.
A cherry Tootsie Pop
Will get you in her top.
Give the girl a Snickers,
And she’ll remove her knickers.
For half a Bit-O-Honey
She’ll let you taste her cunny.
A fun-size Milky Way
Will guarantee a lay,
And if you’ve got some Bosco,
She’ll lick it off your roscoe.
A broken man in tattered clothes,
Gray and underfed,
Caught me staring down the bar,
And this is what he said:
“Go ahead and stare at me.
Everybody does.
Stake me to another round;
I’ll tell you how it was.
“Thank you — My misfortune struck
When I was twenty-three
And made my living catching cod
Miles out at sea.
“A dark and foggy day it was.
I hoisted in the seine
And swore I heard a woman cry
In terror and in pain.
“Impossible, I told myself.
They don’t exist, and yet
There she was — my hand to God! —
Tangled in the net.
“Her hair was long and shining gold
Like sunlight on the sea.
Her breasts were bare and evidently
Made for buoyancy.
“But more than this, what froze my heart
And brought to mind my sins
Was the sight, below her slender waist,
Of scales and caudal fins.
“‘You mortal boy,’ the mermaid said,
‘I am a magic fish.
Cut me loose and I will grant you
Anything you wish.’
“I sliced away the coiled lines
That held her by the neck
And asked her to make love to me,
Once, upon the deck.
“‘You’re very handsome,’ she replied,
‘But oh! I’m sad to say
That while I’d love to grant your wish,
I’m just not made that way.’
“I was a simple lad back then.
Not thinking what I said,
I dropped my pants and blurted out,
‘How ’bout a little head?’
“‘Done!’ the fiendish creature cried.
She snapped her fins at me,
And ere I grasped the horrid truth,
She dove into the sea.
“And now my glass is empty.
And now my tale is through.
And now you know the reason why
My hat size is a two.”
I love carrots, zucchini, and beets.
I love broccoli, onions, and leeks.
But of all the foods in the produce aisle
Cucumbers are the most versatile.
Not only can you slice them and eat them,
But as vegetable dildos, you just can't beat them.
Fiona had a fugly face,
The fugliest on earth.
Her fugly face could scare a wart hog
Into giving birth.
Fiona had a fugly face,
But here is what’s so odd —
Despite her fugly, fugly face,
She had a smokin’ bod.
Her waist was slim, her legs were long,
Her breasts were perfect C’s.
Her finely sculpted derriere
Brought armies to their knees.
Her flawless skin (below the chin)
Was smooth ceramic tile,
And every man who knew her begged
To do her doggie-style.
But Fiona shook her fugly head
And gave them this reply:
“To fuck this perfect body, you
Must look me in the eye!”
The weather is cool in the autumn.
The weather is warm in the spring.
The weather is hot in the summer.
In winter, the wind will sting.
I wear woolen panties in winter.
I wear cotton panties in spring.
I wear satin panties in autumn.
In summer, I don’t wear a thing.
Of all the bitches in the world
Who ever made me cry,
I’ve never known a crueler bitch
Than Mistress Lorelei.
In leather cape and camisole
And heels six inches high,
She stamped my buttocks “Property
Of Mistress Lorelei.”
I live in strict obedience
And never dare defy
The harsh command or slightest whim
Of Mistress Lorelei —
Or naked, gagged, and hung in chains,
And bound about the eye,
I feel the heartless, stinging lash
Of Mistress Lorelei.
I’m nothing but a worthless slave,
But how can I deny
There’s none I worship half so much
As Mistress Lorelei?
Brigid’s dad told Brigid
Brigid’s mom was frigid.
Brigid told her dad
Brigid would be glad
To act as Brigid’s mother
And be her father’s lover.
Brigid’s mom told Brigid
She really wasn’t frigid.
It’s just that she’d prefer
To have herself a her.
She’d be her mother’s lover.
Brigid, straight and queer,
Is Daughter of the Year.
Little Amy Pruitt
Heard her parents do it
As she lay in bed beside her sister Maddie.
When her mother screamed
Amy Pruitt dreamed
That she was in there making love to Daddy.
And so, one rainy day
When her mother was away,
Amy Pruitt took off every stitch.
She went to find her Daddy,
But she caught him fucking Maddie,
And she yelled her older sister was a bitch.
Her father only smiled.
Then he taught his younger child
The most important thing she’d ever learn:
That nothing is as gleesome
As a dad-on-daughter threesome
And every good girl comes who waits her turn.
Our township has a school
With an indoor swimming pool
So the kids can swim in every sort of weather.
We enforce a simple rule
At this co-ed swimming pool:
Swimmers must be in the altogether.
It’s very entertaining
To watch the swimmers training,
And people come from miles around to see.
To obey a rule to strip
Just to come and take a dip —
How stupid do these students have to be?
Oh, one, two, three! Oh, one,
two, three!
Three young girls sat naked in
a tree.
Straddling the branches,
grinding on the bark,
They sang like birds from noon
till dark.
She got her first brassiere,
And just like that, as if by magic,
Boys began to leer.
“Boys are stupid,” Lizzie said.
“It isn’t hard to prove it.
They say they want to see my bra,
Then beg me to remove it.”
Little Tommy Tucker
Was a real motherfucker,
And it wasn’t just because he played the trumpet.
After every jazzy jam, he
Would run home to his mammy,
Who would soothe his fevered brow with tea and crumpet.
Scarlet wore blue socks.
Violet wore red.
They shed their clothes
And went to bed.
They came at last
But heard their husbands
And got dressed fast.
The guys weren’t fooled.
They readily guessed
Their wives had stripped
And then re-dressed —
For Violet wore a red sock.
She also wore a blue.
Scarlet looked down,
And she did, too.
Almost every afternoon,
Depending on her mood,
Jeannie comes home after school
And studies in the nude.
She told her favorite teacher,
And he was so impressed
He organized a study hall
Where everyone undressed.
Studying is cool again,
Especially in pairs.
It hasn’t helped our grades at all,
But no one really cares.
A pair of pretty Girl Scouts
In pretty Girl Scout clothes
Showed up at my door one day
To sell me Do-si-dos.
Their eyes were wide and shining.
They giggled quite a lot,
And when I asked them why, they said
They’d both been smoking pot.
“Well, come inside,” I told them,
“And we’ll smoke
a little more.”
The three of us got wholly wasted
Sitting ’round the floor.
They easily convinced me
To buy their every box
By stripping down to nothing
But their green berets and socks.
I’m glad I spent the money, though,
For after tea and nooky,
We tore the boxes open
And ate every fucking cookie.
Why sex was thought to be so grand.
Her girlfriends couldn’t live without it,
But Katie never thought about it,
Until one summer afternoon
She ran home under a monsoon.
She took off all her wet attire,
And threw it in the washer-dryer,
And while her clothes were getting clean
She sat on top of the machine.
The gentle, throbbing agitation
Was a pleasurable sensation,
But soon it grew to something more
That rattled Katie to the core.
“Oh, God!” she groaned. “It’s getting good!”
And finally she understood.
Her moans arose from deep within
Throughout the laundry’s final spin.
And ever since, her parents say,
She’s always home on washing day.
Genevieve de Bergerac
Was quite a nymphomaniac.
She slept with the nobility
Of England, France, and Germany —
Dukes and earls, kings and queens —
When barely in her middle teens,
An ever wet and willing slut
For Lords and Ladies in a rut.
But when she died, the peasants came
To mourn her loss and bless her name.
They call her Genevieve the Lewd,
Patron Saint of the Royally Screwed.
Daisy and Faye rode out to the bay
On a glorious morning in the month of May.
They stood on the bluff and stripped to the buff
And did a whole bunch of sexual stuff.
A kid named Darrell with a gut like a barrel
Snuck up behind them and stole their apparel.
They were caught unaware, but were up to the dare
And came home in the afternoon totally bare.
It’s five below, and Joan and Joe
Are rolling naked in the snow.
“The Swedish do it,” Joan insists.
“The Swedes,” says Joe, “are masochists.”
They flip about from front to back,
The white stuff filling every crack,
And hanging from them, when they stop,
Are titty-cicles and a penis pop.
Suburban princess Cathy Foster
Never knew what living cost her.
Who loved to spoil his cutie pie.
She went to Europe on vacation
After high school graduation
And, coming home, was glad to get
A red convertible Corvette.
Cathy tooled around the town
With the canvas top rolled down,
Sunlight shining on her face,
And nothing on below her waist.
We love our teacher, Miss Equator,
An innovative educator
Who’s found the single best incentive
To keep us high school boys attentive.
When we get an answer right,
She gives a wink and smiles bright,
Tells us all how well we’re faring,
Then takes off something that she’s wearing.
But when we get an answer wrong,
She starts to put her clothes back on.
Of course, the farther down we go,
The tougher the stuff we have to know.
Knowledge is the only key
To Miss Equator’s modesty.
But as our studies have progressed,
She’s gotten more and more undressed.
In our most successful classes,
She leaves on just her boots and glasses.
“I’m never prouder,” she will say,
“Than when you strip me all the way.
“Now, everyone take out your dicks,
And let’s make sure the lesson sticks.”
Ice Cream Annie made herself
A big banana split,
With whipped cream in her pussy
And cherries on each tit,
Caramel in her belly button,
Chocolate on her nose,
Rainbow sprinkles on her ass
And nuts between her toes.
Annie was the sweetest treat
Her friends had ever seen.
They tossed aside their plastic spoons
And licked the platter clean.
Tiny-titted Tina Tate,
A scrumptious piece of jailbait,
Left every man in town agape
And charged with statutory rape.
Lawyers, judges, cops, technicians
Rabbis, priests and politicians,
Passing motorcycle riders,
Tina’s birth control providers —
Everybody should have known
To leave that piece of ass alone,
But when a girl’s so young and hot,
One simply does what one should not.
At the penitentiary
They have their own society.
Tattooed on every member’s pate
Is, “I’m a tool for Tina Tate.”
Betty’s middle-income.
Veronica is rich.
Betty is a sweetie.
Veronica’s a bitch.
Betty is a natural blonde.
Veronica’s brunette.
Betty’s bush is golden.
Veronica’s is jet.
It’s like the dawn is breaking
In sultry summer weather —
Black against the yellow —
When they mash their cunts together.
Romeo loved Juliet.
Vulcan loved his Venus.
Richard Blaine loved Ilsa Lund,
And Peter loves his penis.
Prim and proper Patty Pound
Was thought to be a prude,
But Patty was a different girl
At home and in the nude.
She loved but one in all her life
And it was he who said
That prim and proper Patty Pound
Was quite the whore in bed.
When I was in the second grade
The Sister stripped me bare.
She made me spread my legs apart
And bend over a chair.
“I’ll teach you to obey,” she said,
“And never mind your sass!”
And with a paddle made of oak
She whacked my little ass.
Today I never think of her
Without a proper thank-you.
Now take you clothes off, little one,
And bend over while I spank you.
Or met an allosaurus,
And yet I know of other worlds
And life that came before us.
I never balled a guy
Or even had a date,
Yet sure am I that sex is fun
Because I masturbate.
An innocent virgin named Chastity Powers
Had an orgasm lasting for three solid hours.
Her pussy was wired to a little black box
That gave her continuous, low-level shocks.
Hung on a cross in an underground den,
She wailed like a banshee again and again.
And when it was finished, the others untied her
And granted her rest they had so long denied her.
They laid her anointed and naked in bed
And from Friday to Sunday she slept like the dead.
Isabelle Sweeney’s
Titties were teeny
But oh, so fun to touch.
She got all her friends
To suck on the ends
And liked it very much.
Mona slept naked,
And when she awakèd,
She played with her cunt
Till she groanèd and quakèd.
And when she was slaked,
She got up and baked,
Making gingerbread penises
Totally nak’d.
Dirty Uncle Jacob Reese
Spied on his pubescent niece.
With cameras hidden in her house
He got off when she changed her blouse.
One day when the air was cool,
She snuck a boy home after school.
She took him upstairs to her room
To play a game of “bride and groom.”
They lay in bed all afternoon
And had a happy honeymoon.
Jacob watched them kiss and strip.
He taped their playful wedding trip,
Jacking while the blushing bride
Gave her clumsy groom a ride.
But when their doings got too sexy,
The old man died of apoplexy.
Tricia Peet was very fleet —
The speediest of streakers.
Tricia Peet ran up the street
In nothing but her sneakers.
Tricia’s dad was awfully mad
We saw his naked daughter,
But Tricia’s dad was also glad
That no one ever caught her.
Josie humps her pillow.
She does it every day.
She lets the sexy feelings build
And carry her away.
Her parents don’t dissuade her.
In fact, they both agree
That jilling off is preferable
To unplanned pregnancy.
A problem still arises, though,
From Josie’s steaming crotch:
She likes to keep the curtains up
And let the neighbors watch.
“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!
I love it when you do!”
“OK, baby, climb on up,
But first, take off your shoes.”
“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!
It feels so very keen!”
“OK, baby, climb on up,
But first, take off your jeans.”
“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!
It’s such a dreary Sunday!”
“OK, baby, climb on up,
But first, take off your undies.”
“Daddy, now my pee-pee’s bare!
Bounce me on your knee!”
“OK, baby, climb on up —
Whee! Whee! Whee!”
Debbie was a babysitter.
She worked for Steve and Mrs. Ritter.
She showed up one night at their house
In pleated skirt and cotton blouse,
A purple ribbon in her hair,
And not a scrap of underwear.
When Steve invited her to sit
She spread her knees a little bit,
Which gave the children on the floor
A sight they’d never seen before.
Steven also saw the sight
And said he’d drive her home that night.
And so things ended happily
For double Debbie’s normal fee.
After two or three glasses of gin and vermouth,
Heather’s behavior was simply uncouth.
“This party,” she said, “is a great fucking bore.”
So she took off some clothes, then she took off some
more.
She climbed on a table, so everyone saw
The difficult debutante dance in the raw.
The boys and the girls were appalled at her gumption.
They said she would pay for her drunken presumption.
But Heather was queen of the popular clique.
She demanded that everyone copy her shtick.
Her minions obeyed with a nod and a wink
From the chaperones, all of whom went off to drink.
The party was saved and forever was called
The Fabulous Night When the Debutantes Balled.
The models on The
Price Is Right
Who, when the show is over, frolic
Naked on the sets.
They strut across the stage in heels,
And — just to be outré —
They rub their tits and asses
On the crap they give away.
I won a boat. I won a trip.
I won a car — but drat!
All I wanted was the chance
To bid on watching that.
Kaitlyn cycled through the park
On April 17
In helmet, jersey, socks, and shoes,
And nothing in between.
Mothers shielded children’s eyes
As Kaitlyn speeded past,
Shocked to see a cyclist
So bare-legged and bare-assed.
But Kaitlyn loved the freedom
And she didn’t give a shit,
Especially when the padded saddle
Rubbed against her clit.
The breeze caressed her shaven cunt
And gave her quite a tickle
As Kaitlyn coasted swiftly
On her 24-speed cycle.
Bonnie had a bonnet,
A frilly purple cap
With tiny yellow polka dots
And shiny velvet nap.
Bonnie loved her bonnet.
She wore it everywhere,
Which struck her folks as pointless
Since the rest of her was bare.
“My bonnet’s much too pretty,”
Said Bonnie with a grin.
“The only thing it goes with
Is my pretty naked skin.”
Andy had a hard-on
That Candy spread some lard on,
Which made it very shiny
And easy on her heinie.
Beethoven, Mendelssohn, Schubert and Bach —
Lick my balls and suck my cock.
Nibble my ears and talk to me dirty.
Bartok, Stravinsky, Ravel and Debussy —
Pull down your panties and play with your pussy.
Oh when I was a virgin
I’d lie in bed and cry,
“I need a man to fill my hole
Or else I’m going to die.”
But now I’m not a virgin
And wish I were again.
In thirteen days I’ve literally
A birder stood upon a hill
Looking for a whippoorwill.
He trained his birding telescope
Across the pond and down the slope,
And there, he caught a startled glimpse
Of half a dozen woodland nymphs,
Playing briskly — one and all —
A game of naked volleyball.
The man went home and gave his wife
The greatest shagging of her life.
Now he goes out every day
To watch the naked nymphs at play,
Comes back with a rigid rod
And gives his grateful wife a prod.
But then her mind with wonder fills —
“A
hard-on for some whippoorwills!?”
Our daughter is fourteen years old.
It’s the most disobedient age,
So we’ve trained her to walk on a leash,
And she sleeps every night in a cage.
She pees in the yard in the morning,
And eats from a bowl on the floor.
She may not wear clothes in our presence,
Or when company comes to the door.
We smack her behind when she’s naughty,
But she’s learning to sit up and beg,
And when she behaves we reward her
With the touch of a vibrating egg.
You might think our ways are
degrading,
But we’re happy as parents can
get.
Our daughter’s so easy to handle
That, really, she’s more like a pet.
The girls of Mount St. Joseph
In Flourtown, Pa.,
Observe a proud tradition
On graduation day.
They come to their commencement
Profoundly underdressed
In gowns of ivory, caps and shoes —
I think you know the rest.
They listen to some speeches
Replete with “do’s” and “shoulds,”
Then toss the caps and shuck the gowns
And bare their girlish goods.
I take out my penis
To show all the peeps.
It gives me a thrill.
It gives them the creeps.
My daughter exposes
Her shaved pubic region,
And guys throw her money.
Injustice is legion.
On a cotton plantation a-way down South,
A slave took her master’s dick in her mouth.
His pride was inflated, his stinger was stung
By her pillowy lips and her billowy tongue,
While up at the mansion, a servant named Doc
Was serving his wife with his ebony cock.
Yet all through the land, there was much trepidation
That Lincoln would lead us to miscegenation.
The pussy is creaming
The pussy is gleaming
The pussy is screaming
For pleasure, for pleasure.
The penis is willing
The penis is filling
The penis is drilling
For treasure, for treasure.
My step-dad had a hard-on.
It made him want to screw.
He said, “Your mother’s out of town.
I guess you’ll have to do.”
He took me to the bedroom.
He took off all my clothes.
He said, “The time has come to learn
Where Daddy’s penis goes.”
He put it in my pussy.
It wasn’t very big.
He said, “This won’t take very long,”
And grunted like a pig.
Sylvia sat on her Sybian,
Which buzzed like a bushel of bees.
The pulsating pleasured her pussy,
And she shook from her neck to her knees.
Katya, Vanessa, and Annabelle Lee,
Three little girls by the deep blue sea,
Splash through the water up to their knees,
Kissed by the sun and touched by the breeze.
Ponytails hang down their backs,
And wavelets wash away their tracks.
Three little girls by the deep blue sea
As naked as three little girls can be.
Cassie has a creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and tight,
That opens like a flower
In the middle of the night.
She steals into my bedroom.
She whispers, “Mom’s asleep.”
She takes me in her creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and deep.
And much too soon I’m coming
In a never-ending jet,
Filling Cassie’s creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and wet.
Cassie has a creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and fine,
And she’s wonderfully willing
For a girl who’s only nine.
Nancy was a nudist
With a nudist Dad and Mom.
She went to Nudist High School,
Which held a nudist prom.
She had a nudist boyfriend
And nudist girlfriends, too —
A clique of natty nudists
She called her Nudist Crew.
Nancy was a nudist
Who loved her nudist fun,
So she joined a nudist convent
And became a nudist nun.
Ariel Stark disrobed in the park
And went for a midnight stroll.
The moon was bright, the air a delight
As she climbed to the top of the knoll.
Officer Coleman, a passing patrolman,
Spotted her flitting around,
And, drawing his club, he gave it a rub,
And scattered his seed on the ground.
Oh, my word, there’s something wrong.
This stripper’s taking much too long.
Come on, honey, what’s the deal?
What’s it take to make you peel?
Hey, you poky little slut,
Let me see your naked butt.
Give me pussy! Give me tits!
Drive me from my tempered wits.
More than just a little leg —
Please, oh please, don’t make me beg.
Drop the panties! Drop the bra!
Now you’re cooking. Oo la la!
I’ve seen many an ecdysiast,
But you’re by far the teasiest.
Penis envy’s such a crock.
Who needs an ugly little cock
That shoots off once and starts to soften?
Pussies let you come more often.
Tell me, Mr. Sigmund Freud,
When’s the last time you enjoyed
A climax seven minutes long
From your proud, beschnittenen
schlong?
My Muschi’s
wet und
wunderbar,
And sometimes a penis is just a cigar
.
Naked Jenny
When Jenny DeHuff struts her stuff
The boys at the beach can’t get enough.
She’s rough. She’s tough.
She’s stripped to the buff.
She’s totally tan and she shaves her muff.
Beata was a Buddhist
Who became an avid nudist.
Of any nudist Buddhist
She was certainly the cutest,
But she feuded with the Buddhists
Who thought she was the lewdest
And became the shrewdest feudist
Of the cutest nudist Buddhists.
The
Neighbor’s Complaint
Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!
And, damn it, put your clothes back on!
Blarney
Wolfe Tone Patrick McManus O’Breen
Had an eye-popping penis of emerald green.
He showed it to Katharine Aileen O’Shea,
Whose bush was as red as the dawn o’ the day.
Said she, “If you don’t tell me Dad or me Ma,
I’ll show you what’s under me Erin Go bra.”
They had a few pints and an Irishman’s shag
As orange and green as the Irishmen’s flag,
Repeating with glee as they banged like a drum,
“We’re as Irish as Ireland’s Irishmen come!”
—St.
Patrick’s Day, 2014
Martha Knox lost her socks
Running to the fair.
A-twirl upon the Tilt-a-Whirl,
She lost her underwear.
Chewing sandy cotton candy
Martha made a mess,
And in her haste to wash her face,
Martha lost her dress.
Dolly’s
Dildos
Dolly has a dildo
That’s long and curved and blue.
She sucks the bulbous rubber head.
She’ll do the same for you.
Dolly has a dildo
That’s short and red and thick.
She uses it to train herself
To squat upon your dick.
Is rough and ridged and green.
The uses that she puts it to
No man has ever seen.
The
Invisible Girls
Melanie is short and plump.
Courtney’s thin and tall.
They played tag at the toxic dump
With nothing on at all.
The radiation levels rose
And turned them both transparent,
And now, when they take off their clothes,
You’d swear they simply aren’t.
The Valley Forge
As I was going up Mount
Joy
I saw a naked girl and
boy
Fucking underneath the
trees
Whose blossoms buzzed
with honeybees.
Another day, another
climb,
I saw them in the
wintertime.
They quarreled by a
naked tree
That stood atop Mount
Misery.
Professor Alexander Potts
Professor Alexander Potts
Licked his students’ virgin twats,
And after each and every time
He rang a little silver chime.
Despite the intervening years,
When any former student hears
A bell, on purpose or by chance,
She comes directly in her pants.
What’s with Theresa?
She doesn’t sit still.
She gets up and sits
On the windowsill.
She goes to her bedroom.
She locks herself in.
She stays a few minutes.
She comes out again.
She goes to the bathroom.
She comes down the stairs
She goes to the yard
And shuffles the chairs.
What’s with Theresa?
It’s hard to be sure,
But it’s tough on young ladies
Who keep themselves pure.
Stop it, Theresa.
It’s too much travail.
The harder you fight it,
The worse you will fail.
Find a nice guy,
Or girl, if you’d rather,
Or use your own fingers
To work up a lather.
What’s with Theresa?
She went out someplace.
She came back next day
With a smile on her face.
She shampooed her hair.
She gave it a rinse.
She climbed into bed,
And she hasn’t moved since
.
Laika, Princess of the
Internet
Laika had a tiny tush
And pointy little tits.
At twelve years old, she had no bush
About her puffy bits.
She took off all her clothes one day
And posed for lots of pictures.
They went online, and there they stay,
Despite the legal strictures.
In just a lacy garter belt
And stockings white as snow,
She made the hearts of millions melt
With what she had to show.
And when she got her nylons off
And lay down on the floor,
A million shot their pylons off
And double-clicked for more.
The Princess of the Internet
Is now what Laika’s known as:
The prepubescent Russian pet
Who tickles countless gonads.
Wee Willie’s Winkie
Willie had a little one
No bigger than your pinkie.
His parents grieved to see their son
With such a teeny winkie.
They shipped him off to
boarding school,
Where every day at gym,
The others saw his tiny tool.
They all made fun of him.
Willie prayed at night in bed —
To Whom, he didn’t know.
“But if You’re out there,”
Willie said,
“Let my steeple grow!”
The taunts went on all freaking
year,
Until the month of May,
When, sickened by his shrimpy
gear,
Willie ran away.
The night was full of whirring
sounds,
The planets shone like pearls
As Willie stumbled on the
grounds
Of Saint John’s School for
Girls.
And in the silver lunar light,
Willie’s roving glance
Beheld the girls perform a rite
They called the Devil’s Dance.
Chanting to the Evil One,
Invoking fear and loathing,
They wailed and whirled, they
shrieked and spun,
They tore off all their
clothing.
They fell into a naked pile
That wriggled on the grass,
Tribbing in demonic style,
Sucking tits and ass.
And then the greatest thing occurred
That Willie ever knew:
The runt inside his trousers
stirred.
His penis grew and grew.
It would have broken through
his fly
Had Willie not unzipped.
He had to point it toward the
sky,
Or else he would have tripped.
It reared up like a rocky
mountain,
Giving such delight
That semen in an endless
fountain
Streamed into the night …
Willie woke up back at school,
Naked in his bed.
His dick lay heavy, with a pool
Of come around the head.
“From now on,” Willie thought
with glee,
“I’ll proudly show my cock,
And nevermore will Willie be
A little laughing-stock!”
The lesson’s odd, but even so,
The lesson’s on the level:
All a Willie needs
to grow
Is Daughters of the Devil!
Victoria’s
Secret
The bras are made in Bangladesh,
The panties in Bombay,
But the tits and ass are native
To the good old USA.
Wendy and Wendy Too
In the tidy little village
Of Squatting-on-the-Loo,
A girl named Wendy knew a girl
Whose name was Wendy, too.
Wendy Too was naughty,
And Wendy One was fair,
And Wendy Too teased Wendy One
And pulled her pretty hair.
When Wendy changed her knickers
(We’re talking Wendy One),
Wendy Too snuck up behind
And pinched her on the bum.
When Wendy One went swimming
Across the River Loo,
The clothes she’d folded on the bank
Were pinched by Wendy Too.
Then Wendy filled out roundly
Across her hips and chest,
And in between her legs she grew
A cozy, curly nest.
Wendy Too was gaga
And regretted what she’d done.
“Fuck me, Babe,” said Wendy Too.
“Fuck you,” said Wendy One.
Mistress, May I Come Now?
Mistress, may I come now?
— No, my little sweet.
It’s my will you wait until
I bind your hands and feet.
Mistress, may I come now?
— No, my little wight.
I decree it cannot be
Until your gag is tight.
Mih-ruh muh-ah kuh-ah?
— No, my little sprout.
I insist you must resist
While Mistress eats you out.
I took some naked selfies.
I sent them to this turd
Who sent them to another kid
Who sent them to a third,
Who sent them to a teacher,
Who shared them with his class,
And so it went till all the world
Had seen my naked ass.
The blogosphere condemned me
With ridicule and scorn,
And half the school was rounded up
For swapping child porn.
Suck my tits and clitty.
Fuck my cunt. I’ll let you.
But if you send my selfies ’round,
The cops will come and get you.
The Interstellar One-Night Stand
As Stella slumbered,
gowned in lace,
Aliens from outer space
Took her to their flying
saucer
And laid her down, with
straps across her,
Naked on a steel gurney
For a scientific journey.
Silver-suited little
guys,
With big white heads and
big black eyes,
Suckers on their
fingertips,
And green stuff oozing
from their lips,
They carried on a long,
intense
Series of experiments:
They strobed her with a
brainal strobe,
Probed her with an anal
probe,
Shaved her with a kitty
shaver,
Laved her with a clitty
laver,
Sucked her with a booby
sucker,
Fucked her with a ruby
fucker,
Spanked her with
metallic spankers,
And wanked themselves
with phallus wankers.
And when their data
banks were full
They left our planet’s
weighty pull,
Hauling ass across the
skies,
Flying fast as starlight
flies,
Till space grew short
and time stood still,
Just as Einstein said
they will.
Stella woke up back in
bed
And found a folded note
that read:
“Thanks for your
participation
In galactic exploration.
In a nutshell, here’s
the story:
We’re from Epsilon
Centauri.
We’d heard that Earth
girls are the best,
And (sorry to disturb
your rest)
As scientists, we
couldn’t miss
Confirming our
hypothesis.
Though currently we’re
out of touch,
We care about you very
much,
And if we’re ever back
this way,
We’ll look you up
without delay.”
Stella, reading over
this,
Confirmed her own
hypothesis:
Though wonders fill the
depths of space,
Men are assholes
everyplace.
And thereby cheat the croupier of Time.
I’d have a son, he said, whose face would carry
The beauty I was known for in my prime.
So I dealt myself a bride of youthful graces
In lucky hands I held her pair of aces
And roundly stroked her diamond in the hole.
A dozen years I filled the pot and bet,
And drew one straight inside after another.
A dozen times I won the pot of get:
A dozen girls, who all look like their mother.
If a poet on
the street you e’er do see,
Slap him once,
and tell him it’s from me.
When Susana was young, she fluttered her tongue
On the clit of a concert musician,
Who was moved to declare that she wasn’t aware
She had granted Susana permission.
Susana chimed in, with a mischievous grin,
“Does it matter so late in the game?”
The musician said no, and she let herself go,
And she came, and she came, and she came.
Susana’s first fuck was a bit of a cluck
With no clue what to do with his gear.
His name was DePaul, and his dick was so small
He preferred to get off in her ear.
But Susana was clever and swore that she’d never
Give up on a man who was stunted,
And she sucked him so well that he started to swell,
And soon he was fully encunted.
At a Thanksgiving feast the neighborhood priest
Gave Susana his blessing in Latin,
As she lay midst the food appetizingly nude
And smeared with potatoes au gratin.
Everyone ate the meat on his plate,
But you mustn’t believe that I’m bluffing
If I choose to reveal at the end of the meal
They all gave Susana some stuffing.
The Winter encroached, the Yuletide approached,
And Susana observed Saturnalia,
Singing hymns to the god with her vibrating rod
And a clip on her shaved genitalia.
In stockings and teddy, she got herself ready
For welcoming jolly old Santa —
She fellated the fellow, who let out a bellow
Picked up from New York to Atlanta.
Susana’s fame grew, and men by the slew
Beat a desperate path to her halls,
Where daily and nightly they begged for, politely,
The touch of her breath on their balls.
She cared not a fig and sailed off in a brig
To adventures in far-away lands,
And she left all the guys with tears in their eyes
And their semi-hard dicks in their hands.
Book of dirty verse.
She trusts you’ve had a naughty time
That’s left you none the worse.