...And Falling Apart

I woke up very slowly. As I opened my eyes everything was out of focus. My head felt like it had been mistaken for a baby seal. The side of my head throbbed in pain. I knew I’d damaged something during the fall when I started seeing angels. Two angels wearing blue were floating over me. Weren’t they supposed to be wearing white? The taller one was blond and had short hair. The other was shorter and had long brown hair. I saw, through the haze, two faces looking down at me and four arms trying to hold me. Why did they look so familiar? I drifted out of consciousness and back in as I heard the angles talking. 

“Honest Jen, I didn’t do anything. We were just talking.” The larger of the two angles said. From her tone I could tell, even in my dazed state, that she was very scared.

“Like you were talking this morning?” The little angel sounded very mad. “I thought he killed you and what happened? You came out of here smiling!”

“Jennifer, this morning was different. We weren’t doing anything like that, please believe me. I came in and just woke him up. We talked that’s all.”

I finally got my eyes open and realized my head was on Agnes’ lap. Yeah, that was her name, or was it Sunny? Damn my head hurt. Suddenly there was screeching coming from my left. I didn’t dare move my head. I was afraid it would fall off my shoulders. I looked over at the source of the mind numbing sound.

The source was someone I now recognized as Jennifer. “Like hell you did!” She was screaming at Sunny now. “I know what you guys do in here. You’re supposed to make him happy him not kill him! I’m calling the cops!”

“Jen, he’s not dead! Here feel his pulse, he’s just unconscious!” Now Sunny was in a full panic. “Put your fingers here!”

I felt fingertips gently touching my neck. I was awake now. I even remembered why I’d passed out. I guess, after my trip down memory lane, I’d have to go back to the VA again. It wasn’t like they could really help me. All they did, the last time, was tell me it was all in my head, like I didn’t know that already.

I was about ready to say hello to the two women in my life when all hell broke loose. I was suddenly smothered by my old blue uniform shirt, as Jennifer yelled again and launched herself across me at Sunny. “I’m not putting my fingers anywhere, I hate you!”

Sunny, or was it Agnes, for her part tried to move back to avoid the charging child. As she tried to duck out of the way she let out of a scream of her own, calling my name. As she backed up my head came off her knees and bounced off the floor, again. This time I hit the rug, thank you very much.

I tried to breath but Jen was pushed up against my face as she tried to get at Agnes. I was still recovering from the first fall and this wasn’t helping. I needed air so I reached up and grabbed some shirt and pushed. I guess I was loaded with adrenalin or something because I suddenly jerked Jen’s whole body off of me.  This wasn’t good for Agnes, as Jennifer had a death grip on her shirt. I heard the popping of buttons as they started to tumble. Jen went off to my side and Agnes followed, but this time it was Agnes/Sunny’s turn to land on top of me. I was suffocating again but this time it wasn’t a shirt but Sunny’s very warm naked flesh.

Two thoughts went through my head at the same time. First, I’m going to die and the other one was what a way to go.

I reached up to push Sunny off me and grabbed one of her, now naked breasts. It surprised her so bad that she jumped up off my face and broke the grip Jen had on her.

That started a whole new round of squeals from above me as well as, “Gene, stop it! What are you doing? Get your hand off my breasts! Jennifer’s here!”

“I’m just trying to breath, Agnes.” I looked at her as she moved away. As I tried to sit up I saw something in her face told me I’d screwed up and there was something else. There as pain there. Not physical pain but emotional pain. What the hell had I done now?  I looked at Jen who ended up against the end table. She was just staring at me.

There were tears in her eyes as she looked at us. Finally Jen said, “You like her more than me, don’t you? You yell and scream at each other but you still like her. I wanted her...,” Jen was pointing at the blond sitting against the bed, “...to live here, to make you happy.” Suddenly her eyes went wide as the light went off over her head. “You’re IN love with her. You’re not supposed to be in love with her.” Jen jerked her head up stared at Agnes. “You’re spoiling everything! You said you just wanted to meet my Uncle and have fun! You weren’t supposed to be in love!”

After living with Jennifer for all these years, I thought I’d seen and experienced everything. Now I was seeing something different. Her explosion when Alice came back was childish compared to what I was seeing now. Before it was an outburst but now this outburst was controlled. She knew, or thought she knew, what it was all about. Didn’t my Jennifer realize that in a few hours Sunny would be gone? I could see her eyes bouncing between the two of us. She was trying to figure out these new developments and saw on her face the answer wasn’t what she wanted.

I really didn’t know what Agnes was thinking about all of this, but my brain had just turned into oatmeal. I reverted back to Uncle mode. “Jen, please go to your room.”  I need time to sort this out myself.

“Why? So you two can send me to Minnesota?” The tears still kept on coming.  “She was supposed to be my friend too. I wanted her to be part of our family. You just want to get rid of me. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll run away if you send me up there, like Rennie’s going to run away.”

“That’s silly, Jen, I’m not sending you to your grandparents. You know I’d never do that. Please come here?

Jen looked at me deciding whether she should or not. Slowly my niece got up and moved over to me. She was wearing another of my old uniform shirts. When she stood it covered her like a night shirt. Her toes were peeking out from under the tails. I held out my arms and Jen knelt down and hugged me. As she held on to me, she kept on telling me that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I really didn’t know who she was trying to convince, me or herself. I was already convinced. I knew it was supposed to be like this. Happy ever after, were for the young and fairy tales. I wasn’t young and I knew better. I wanted to help her but it was beyond me. It was for her to figure out. All I could do was catch her when she found out.

I looked around over my shoulder to Sunny or Agnes, what ever her name was. She just sat there looking like someone ran over her cat. It almost looked like she was about ready to blow up or cry. For the life of me, I couldn’t tell which. I tried to give her a reassuring smile but all that did was upset her more.

I hugged my niece as her crying slowly disappeared. I could feel her tears on my chest. I suddenly realized I was almost naked. During this whole time someone, probably Agnes, had pulled a sheet over me. It had fallen down around my waist.  I could suddenly feel air circulating underneath me.

Finally Jen’s tears stopped falling and my niece looked up at me. “You’re not going to send me up North so you can be with her?”

I looked down at her and knew she would be all right, for now. It would be different between us. Every day seemed to bring out a new side to my niece. It was like looking at a diamond. A thousand little sparkles glinted off of it, as you looked at it from different angles, beautiful but ever changing. “You’re not going anywhere, Jen. Who’s going to keep Mary out of trouble in fifth grade next year if you’re freezing your butt off in Minnesota?”

Jen gave me a half smile. “You’d miss me, Gene. A lot more than Mary would miss me, I bet.”

“You know I would, Jen. Now, go to your room and let me talk to Agnes, okay?”

Jen gave me a little smile and nodded her head. Then suddenly the manure hit the rotary cooling device, again. “Who’s Agnes?” Jen looked over to where Sunny was still sitting. 

Even for someone reaching forty I was still limber enough to put my foot in my own mouth. Not just once but repeatedly “I’m sorry, I need to talk to Sunny.”

“You called her Agnes, twice.” Jen was insistent, that was bad for me.

I looked over at Sunny/Agnes and she gave a small shrug. I looked back down at Jen. “Sorry, I must have a concussion. Her name IS Sunny.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely, Miss Mary Kowalski.”

From the look Jen gave me you would of thought I left the toilet seat up. “You’re about as funny as a rock, Gene. Are you really going to be okay?” Jen looked past me, towards Sunny. Something wasn’t right about a seven year old defending me against a woman four times older than she was. 

“I’ll be fine Jen. I just need to talk to Sunny, that’s all.”

My niece got up and looked at Sunny. “Don’t hurt him again, please?”

I don’t know what Sunny did but Jen turned around and walked back out of the bedroom. I watched her close the door and instead of slamming it she closed it extra carefully.  Even with all the problems of raising a preteen girl, I thought, I was still a lucky guy. But then again the day was still early.

I looked at the door for a while and got myself together. I had to tell Sunny/Agnes about my past.  Just telling her I couldn’t be the master she wanted wouldn’t do. I’d have to tell and even show her why her new boyfriend got out of the service, only four months into his fourth hitch. I hoped I wouldn’t tell her too much but this would be a first for me. No one knew everything, not even my old shrink at the VA Hospital.

I turned around to see Sunny sitting on the floor were she fell. I took her hand and tugged a little and she stood. “What happened Gene?”

I wrapped my arms around her as her eyes searched mine. “I just shut down. The doctors say it’s has to do with something that happened while I was in the service. One doc called it post-trauma or post-traumatic something or other. I think it was just a bunch of bull shit for something they couldn’t fix. It hasn’t happened in a long time but I’m better now. I guess I need to tell you why I can’t give you what you want.”

Sunny nodded her head. “If that’s what you want.” She had a look on her face that said she wasn’t convinced that I was alright but she let it pass. Instead she looked at me and said, “I’m sorry I got crazy on you but I’m desperate for someone. I really thought you were the one.”  I don’t know where Jen got the idea that we’d be a family.” Sunny looked at me. “Sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?”

I smiled back at her but didn’t say anything. She went crazy? I knew crazy. I was so crazy even the military didn’t want me anymore. When someone gets out of the service they get what's called a DD214. Its proof you were in and got out. All sorts of information is on it. Some is in English and some in a number code. One set of numbers tells the recruiter if you can return to active duty. Mine tells the reader that women and small children go first, before me. “Sunny, could you sit down. I have something to show you.”

As Sunny sat down on the bed I went to my closet. I slipped on a pair of pants and a t-shirt. After I was presentable, I went into the back corner. It was in the back corner just like I left it. I wonder how many other vets have a box in their closet or basement that contains their whole life while in uniform. I guess mine wasn’t much different then others. Mine contained more than the usual stuff. In it was the secret life I had for almost two years. 

I carried the box to the bed and opened it. The flag was still on top. I unfolded it and placed it on her lap. It was my old unit flag. The yellow flag was given to me when I left.  I looked at Sunny as her fingers ran over the emblem. It was something that said it all. The World War two inspired design had a bee wearing a sailor’s hat. Of course, the cover, as we called the white hat, was raked down over his eye, very stylish. He, and it was a he, looked like he were serious.  If there was any doubt it was erased by the machine gun the bee was holding.

Before Jennifer came to stay with me, I was bored once and arranged everything in the box. I started at the beginning of my service and sorted everything by time line. So the top picture was graduation from Boot Camp. “This is my graduation picture from Great Lakes NTC. I was seventeen.” I looked over to Sunny. I never thought I’d be opening my life to someone else.

Sunny looked close trying to find my face from almost twenty-three years ago. “Everyone looks so young, Gene. Which one are you?”

“I’m on the bottom row, fourth from the left.” Inside I winced. Growing up I was a real dork. I guess that was why I only had one real girlfriend in High School.

Her fingers went under my head, lifted, and angled it so she could get a better comparison.  She looked at me and stared at the picture again. “Gods Gene, you look like a kid!” Sunny’s smile was real for the first time today. “Look at your ears!” She was pointing to the picture again.

With everything that had gone on, I had to smile back. “Thanks a bunch, Sunny. Remember, I was still a kid. I was seventeen back then but even then the oldest was about twenty.”

I looked at the blond next to me and knew she would be gone soon. “Look Sunny, I’m sorry I called you Agnes in front of Jen. I was pretty much out of it.”

“That’s okay Gene. It really doesn’t make any difference if she knows or not, not anymore, anyway.” Sunny looked at me and that look told me everything. She might want to come back deep down inside, but she wouldn’t.

Now I felt better about I was about to do. This would guarantee she never came back here.

I reached into the box and pulled out the first picture. I went on to tell her about the two ships I served on through my first eight years. The pictures continued to fly out of the box. There were pictures of Newport News, Norfolk Virginia and Portsmouth Navy Bases here in the states. All the places I saw including Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. Then there were the pictures of Gibraltar, Naples, Italy and Istanbul, Turkey and the cruises in The Atlantic and to keep the Mediterranean Sea safe from fishing boats, Russian spy ships and hookers. Then there was the transfer to an aircraft carrier out of San Diego and West Pac. That meant not only San Diego and Pearl Harbor but Subic Bay in the Philippines, Japan, and Australia. I was nervous about the rest, especially what was to come. I finally ran out of things to say and the pictures on her lap had grown to the point where they threatened to fall over. 

I told her about my volunteering when my third, four-year hitch came up. It was for the Naval Construction Battalions and switching from Interior Communications to Electrician’s Mate, which wasn’t that big of a move. By then I was an E-6, a First Class Petty Officer. It was a fairly rapid advancement back then. I guess my actually wanting to go to Quonset Point, Rhode Island and the CB’s helped. Then there were two years of preparation and training before being sent to a place called Vietnam. 

I showed her the pictures I took of DaNang before we moved in, in force. The beach was white and the water was a perfect blue. It was hard to tell in black and white pictures, so I told her if she wanted to know how blue the water was all she had to do was look in the mirror at her eyes. She looked at me and I actually thought I saw the bright blue of the water in her eyes.  You might recall years later there was a series called China Beach on TV. I guess it was supposed to be DaNang. That program had nothing on the real thing during the early years. She smiled and said how it looked like some of the beaches she went to in California.

We shuttled our personal gear from Saigon to DaNang. All the equipment sailed into DaNang’s natural harbor. Then we went to work. It was the usual thing for a U.S. Navy Construction Battalion. We extended and improved the runway, built housing and dug bunkers and emplacements. We extended the piers and even got a dredge to deepen the harbor. Of course, we beefed up the defenses around the base with trenches and obstacles. Even with everything going on it was almost bankers’ hours for us. Our Marine detachment provided most of the security but we helped with that and we did get some time to go to town.

To lighten the explanation I mentioned some of the hot spots, if you can call them that, off base. The bars were okay but quickly got better as more money flowed into them. Then the girls that went with them improved as well. It was in one of those bars that we celebrated my promotion to E-7 (Chief Petty Officer). I even laughed when I told her about almost losing my new rank in a bar fight that same night. Then there was the ever present Catholic Church, orphanage, and school. They seemed to be in every town that had running water. 

There was a certain French charm to the place. Vietnam was still considered French Indochina and everything showed that influence. There wasn’t much danger to us back then. Any enemy activity in the South was limited to guerrillas. Most of the real activity was in the North where they were still dividing the country in half. 

The last picture on her lap was one of the local Catholic Missionary School in DaNang. As part of our work, we did a lot of so-called community work. We used too do some of the same things all over New England. Mostly it was natural disasters and such, but it kept our skills up.  Here the biggest was practically rebuilding the school, from the ground up. I told Sunny that it was her tax dollars at work. To which she smiled and told me she was probably still in school back then, herself.

Time for the hard part, I thought. I looked down into the almost empty box. This picture was upside down. I thought I had put them all face up, oh well. I turned it over for a second and there she was. I handed Sunny the picture, face down. “What’s this, Gene?” She touched the edges but didn’t turn it over.

“It’s the reason I can’t give you what you want. Turn the picture over, Sunny.” For some reason I sounded and acted very calm, even though I was shaking inside. Sunny/Agnes was the first person I’d ever shown this picture to.

Sunny turned the photo over and there she was. Sunny stared at it for the longest time, till she looked back up at me. “Who’s the girl, Gene?”

“Her name was Ha’ng Hai. She lived in a village outside of DaNang. Most of her time was spent at the Catholic school. She only went home on weekends.” I looked at my hands and they were steady as a rock.

Sunny thought about what I’d said. I figured she would have just accused me of being a child molester. I wanted her to never come back and I didn’t care about the reason. That was what I hoped, anyway.

“She’s adorable.” I thought Sunny was trying to gauge what kind of pervert I was. 

I looked over towards Sunny. “She was seventy pounds of dynamite. She was like any young girl. Jennifer reminds me of her, sometimes. Her emotions could flip around in a heartbeat. One minute she was smiling and the next she would stomp off mad as hell at something so insignificant it would make me laugh. That only made things worse.  She’s why nothing is going to happen between Jen and I. Every time I see her I see Ha’ng.”

I watched Sunny looking at the picture. Why had I told her that? I wanted her to leave, not understand why I was so screwed up in the head.

Sunny looked at me. Not with disgust but curiosity. I wanted her to hate me and leave. “It sounds like you loved her Gene.”

“It was more than just love, Sunny. I loved her more than anyone I’ve ever known. You talked about heart and soul. She had mine and still does.” I stopped and looked down.  I had to stop this. I was a fucking coward. I didn’t want to put into words those things I saw, heard and felt so long ago.

“She loved you. I can see it in her eyes.”

Now I was getting upset. I wanted; no I needed her to leave. This wasn’t easy because a small part of me still wanted my blond lover to stay. “I need to tell you why you have to go.” I took a deep breath. “I’m bad news, Sunny.” I looked into her eyes. Was there hope in them? I had to crush it. 

“This little girl, that you find so adorable, was supposed to be my wife. I had her parents blessing, I had her love and her body. We made love a hundred times. Every chance we could get we’d be together.” I wanted to tell Sunny that the sex was great, not just because she was so young but the conversations and jokes she had heard in school, which didn’t translate into English too well. I had to explain the phrase “fucking like rabbits”, which kind of broke the mood because she started hoping around on all fours. I had just put in the paperwork for her whole family to move here. I told her all about North Carolina and even described a house just like this, that we’d live in.” I thought about what Ha’ng told me about the salesman. Sunny just stared at me, her fingers stroking the picture she held. “I guess that’s why I bought it. This was to be our bedroom. The bed you’re sitting on was going to be our wedding bed.”

It wasn’t pleasant to say, but from the look of confusion on Sunny’s face it was working. I handed her a few more pictures of Ha’ng and myself.  They were the ones of us at different places, doing the tourist thing in Saigon. Then there was the little resort down south towards the border with Thailand.  There were pictures of the two of the two of us and  Sergeant Hill hitting the, so called hot spots. There was even a group photo of the senior staff and NCOs’. Ha’ng was front row center between me and my Skipper. He never smiled and I was on the other side grinning like a gorilla that found a bunch of bananas.

I wondered if Keel ever got out of the Marines or he made good on his threat to stay in for the duration. If he did he probably made Gunnery Sergeant, at least once. That was his life long dream. My Commanding Officer had done good, as we say. He was even a nice guy for being an Annapolis graduate and ring knocker.                                         

I looked at the blond sitting there, staring at the pictures. “Don’t let your eyes fool you,” I continued. “You’re more like Ha’ng than Jennifer is. That girl trusted me, just like you want to trust me. Anything I wanted to do with her or to her she not only let me do but encouraged me. Any request I made, any stray thought, or any idea she would do. She trusted me to keep her safe forever. I was her Big Chief.” 

I pointed to the picture. “See the guy with the kaki hat? Everyone was wearing blue ball caps except for four of us. “That’s me after I made E-7. That is Ha’ng Hai next to me.  That guy way in the back is, or was, my boss, Lieutenant Commander Hargrove. He made Admiral a while ago. He’s a really great guy for an officer.  He and his wife came down a few months ago to have dinner with us.” 

I really had to stop being the nice guy. This was supposed to be goodbye, not a travelogue I just couldn’t resist though. “This is a picture of our last trip to Saigon and the Buddhist Temple there.”

Sunny was looking at one of the few color pictures. The colors seemed bright as ever and then there was ever present statue of Buddha himself looking over everything. “She looks very happy. So do you.” 

“You know nothing.” I was starting to get mad at her now. I didn’t want to get mad and lose control again. She talked about trusting someone, hell she wanted to trust me. I was the last one she should trust. “You have no idea how horrible the world really is, Sunny. You talk about Alex and what he did and how he broke your trust. You’re still alive and the last person that trusted me is dead because I wasn’t there.” 

I knew I was telling her more than I wanted her to know. The trouble was I couldn’t stop myself. It all came pouring out. “You have no idea how much I loved her. She was the one. The, one in a lifetime someone I would have given my life for, without a moments hesitation and I failed her.”

I looked down into the box. There were two large brown envelopes in the bottom. When I got out of the service, I’d sealed them with tape. Now the tape was old and dried out. The seals were broken with age. I didn’t want to do this but, some where inside I knew she wouldn’t just leave me alone.

I reached in and pulled the first one out. As it opened, the remains of the yellowed tape flaked and dissolved in my hand. Sunny/Agnes didn’t say a word as eight little rectangular boxes fell into her lap. “Open them, Agnes,” I ordered. She reached for the first one and looked at me. “They won’t bite you.  Go ahead, open them,” I demanded.

She opened it with shaking fingers. The first one had a profile of the first president of the United States inside a heart looking back at her. She gave me a questioning look as I turned around and showed her the all most invisible scar on my back from the shrapnel wound. “That’s one of two Purple Hearts. I got one for not being able to get out of the way fast enough. The grenade that did this killed a Marine and wounded two of us. The Marine that got killed was nicknamed Dickie. I can’t remember his real name. That was the first time someone actually shot at me.”

Then came the usual awards for just getting through military life. I even had a good conduct medal. That was before I got into another bar fight in San Diego. It really wasn’t my fault. At least that’s what I told the Skipper. A couple more ribbons for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Sunny put the second Purple Heart next to the rest of the medals on the bed. She had left them open, side by side. I don’t know why but it reminded me of the presentation musters we use to have. Little boxes in a row with the medals waiting to be pinned on. If you were lucky Lieutenant Commander Hargrove would pin it to your blouse and exchange a salute. If your luck had run out it was pinned to the flag then sent to your loved ones.
  
The last box had a red ribbon with a thin blue stripe down the middle. Attached was a star, just like a western sheriff would wear. “That’s called a bronze star,” I told her. “There was a very bad joke that was going around, that it was one of the highest awards you can get and still live. I don’t remember the details how I got it but we killed a lot of them that day.” It was a lie of course but a necessary one. They killed a lot of us too. James, my bulldozer operator was shot off the Cat he was driving when all hell broke loose.  We were clearing a patch of ground on a hill for a firebase when those little cock suckers just popped up out of the dirt. We lost two from my group and three Marines that day. There were two Silver Stars given out to the widows.”

I looked down at my hands. I was still holding it together pretty well. I didn’t tell her that the citation said I led a small group as the Viet Minh tried to overrun us with repeated attacks. It was only Sergeant Keel’s returning with his patrol that stopped the day from becoming a whole lot worse. The more I looked at the ribbons the more I remembered. Even now, with everything we were reading in the newspapers and on TV, I really wanted to go back. I wanted to feel as happy again as I was with Ha’ng. I wanted to hear her little voice call me her Big Chief. I had to tell Sunny everything.

I reached for the last envelope. That was one that should stay closed. The one I should have burned the minute I came back to the States. The glue was gone from this one as well. I opened it and just dumped the contents on her lap. A couple of plain envelopes slid out first. Then came eight by ten pictures in color and black and white, pages of after-action reports, descriptions and accounts of what happened the night she was tortured and murdered. They poured out of the envelope and started to slide to the floor. 

The last thing out of the envelope were two gold plated dog tags. One as shiny as the day I bought it in Saigon. The other was mangled and ripped. The only thing you could read on that one now was McGuire, Ge.... The rest of it was missing. It wasn’t spotless like the other one. This one was tarnished and had several shades of brown on it.  

It was only after her death that I got most of the medals. I went crazy after Ha’ng died. In my hate some good Sailors and Marines followed me, knowing, full well, the reason for the, so-called patrols. Then there was the final ambush to kill the man that led the attack on Ha’ng’s village. Back then, the communist irregulars were called Viet Minh. Now the TV and Newspapers call them Viet Cong or Charlie. Who ever they were, they were from the same provinces that they fought in. Some were South Vietnamese deserters, some really believed Uncle Ho, others were ‘volunteers’ taken from their villages by threat or force. The commander of this enemy unit was one of the locals, who was a true believer. That is until I showed him Ha’ng’s dogtag and he suddenly realized he wasn’t going back for interrogation.

This all came at a price I was willing to pay. I never asked anyone to follow us. The us was Sergeant Keel and me. By the time I had gotten back from Saigon he had already found two of the hit squad and had intel on more of them.  Some of my friends died and some just didn’t care anymore. I was one of those in the last group . Towards the end of all this, my skipper couldn’t look away anymore as word got out about what we were doing. That’s why they let me out early and gave me an honorable discharge. I bent over and reached for the one picture that would end it all. 

Sunny to her credit didn’t flinch as the contents dropped onto the floor. She caught the tags and held them. Her thumb was tracing the sharp edges of the damaged tag. Her fingernail scraped off some of the caked on brown. I looked at her hands and wondered how many times she’d wash them before realizing you could never wash it away once it was in your mind.

I handed her the picture as she looked at me. She was white as the sheets on the bed. I could hear the tags rattle as her hands shook. She didn’t look good. “Look at the picture, Agnes. Look at someone who trusted me like you want to trust me.”

One of the guys in the squad that found her took the pictures and later the brass had them blown up for the investigation. They wanted to know how the Viet Minh got so close to the mountain without being spotted or any alarms going off. It wasn’t that a dozen men, women and children were executed. The pictures I had were the copies and my skipper had a mysterious fire at headquarters that burned the originals and the negatives. They never found out how it started, not that they really tried to hard. My guess is the skipper set the fire to end it for everyone.

Sunny looked at the picture as she started to shake. It was difficult but I think she recognized Ha’ng hanging spread eagle between two palm trees. Her naked, bullet riddled body darkened, even deeper, with her blood. There under her throat was one bright spot that drew the eye. From a distance it looked like a spot of sunlight around her neck. Sunny looked at the tag and then at the picture.  Suddenly she hunched over and started to gag through the tears that had started to flow.

Now she knew what she was holding in her hands and what was under her fingernails.

My voice shattered the swirling images in her head. “The villagers they didn’t kill said they used my dogtag around her neck as a target. They were lousy shots. It took almost a half-hour to hit the tag. My lover, my best friend, my future wife...,” I looked down at Sunny gagging and gasping for air ... “the one who had my heart. The one who put all of her trust in me died long before that. I was told she kept calling for me. Her last words were, “Big Chief”. That was her nickname for me. I was looking forward to her thirteenth birthday party in a couple of months.”

That was when she bolted off the bed and rushed into the bathroom. 

I walked out into the hall as I heard her throw up. 

I was the biggest bastard in the whole fucking universe.  For some reason I felt nothing, not anger, sadness or regret for what I did. I had to do it, I told myself.

I closed the door and walked to Jennifer’s room.

I knocked once on the door and opened it before Jen could say anything. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed.

Jen stared at me. She was still wearing the old work shirt. On her, it was big enough so she could tuck her feet under it. She was hugging herself as if she was cold.  “Stay out!  You spoiled everything!” Her eyes were black as coal. I walked up to the bed and knelt beside it. “I SAID GET OUT!” Jennifer screamed at me.

What had I done to her, I wondered? If what she told me was true, she and Alice were the ones that brought Sunny here. What the hell did they think was going to happen? I was tired of being the ogre. I’d disappointed one woman in my life, today. I didn’t want Jennifer to be number two. “Jen, talk to me. What was going on here? Why are you so angry?”

Jen just stared at me for a while. Finally, she broke eye contact as she looked down. You’re in love with her.” 

It sounded simple enough. “No I’m not, it’s over. Sunny is leaving today, Jen.  She want’s to be at the airport by noon.” I looked over at the clock on her dresser. It was already after ten.

I guess she wasn’t in any mood to fight either because Jen’s eyes were slowly changing back. “She told me that,” my Jennifer mumbled. She really wasn’t looking at me. It was as if she was looking through me. “I thought she was trying to be funny when she told me. She was supposed to stay. Why would she want to leave us? ” Why is she doing this to us, Gene?” The anger seemed to be melting away from her.

I looked at my niece. Her toes were peeking out from under my old shirt. She seemed like she really wanted to know so I tried to be as honest as I could. “We don’t have much in common. Besides, she’s the second girlfriend you’ve cussed out. I don’t know why anyone would want to stay with us.” I looked down at my hands and they were clenched tight. That was the same thing Jen did when she was upset. “You say you want me to find someone, then all you do is blow-up at them. First it was Alice at Chris’ now you’re yelling at Sunny. That’s probably another reason why she’s leaving.” 

Jen tried to give me the evil eye. “It’s not my fault.” She was trying to get mad again but she was too tired. “She said you were great and everything. You made her laugh and made her feel good inside. Then she said you weren’t the one? I don’t understand Gene, one what?”

Everything Jen had said was how I felt about Sunny. That was how I felt before anyway. Before she wanted to change me and put conditions on what we could have. All I wanted was everything. How hard was that to understand? I was going to be forty soon and still single. I hadn’t thought about marriage and a family since Ha’ng died. The women I’d been with, for the most part, had been fun. Every time someone got close, though, something happened. I looked at Jen. She wanted an answer “The one she wanted to be with forever, I guess. I’m not that one.”

I wondered if Sunny told her why she couldn’t stay. Jennifer didn’t give me a chance

“You’re in love with her when you’re supposed to be in love with me.” Jen put her hand on top of mine. Her little fingers held on to me. I felt a tingling that started running up my arm, the kind that you can become addicted to very quickly. 

The anger was melting in her eyes and her voice. “I won’t get you mad, anymore, I promise. She just makes you mad sometimes. Just like Mommy and Daddy did when they were together. I promise, I’ll be a better girlfriend than anybody else in the whole world.” She looked into my eyes. There wasn’t any anger, just concern. I wondered, more than once  who was the real adult in this family. “Are you still IN love with me,” she asked? 

I didn’t want to go there.  I thought I knew what her definition of love was.  “I am, Jennifer, but it’s just not the same kind of love Sunny and I shared.”

Her beautiful hazel eyes looked at me. Finally she broke the silence before I could say something stupid that would hurt both of us. Jen took a deep breath, “When we were at Chris’ with Alice, you said, you can love a lot of people but you can only be IN love with one.” If I didn’t know better I would have thought Jennifer had taken drama lessons. She stopped right there and kept looking at me. “Remember?” she finished. My niece, my pint size girlfriend just sat there. Her feet still tucked under my work shirt and her hand on mine. She was patiently waiting for some words of wisdom from her uncle and her boyfriend. 

“I was wrong, Jen.”

Just as quick as she covered my hand she released me and sat up straight. “No, your not. You’re never wrong! You told me I was your girlfriend!” Now she was getting upset again.

I was getting tired of all this fighting. I took her hand this time and looked into her eyes. “Jen, you are and you always will be my girlfriend. But you ARE going to grow up, and you ARE going to college, get married and have children of your own. You’re going to make me proud. I’ll love you as much then as I do now, probably even more. 

I had to tell her something. If I didn’t, I’d be hearing about it all the way to Myrtle Beach and probably until school started in September. “Jen, love is a little more complicated than just yes and no. Take me and Alice for instance. I loved Alice, and I was IN love with her too. That part of my life is in the past. Part of me loves Sunny and I will for a long time. That doesn’t mean I want to marry her or anything. We’re too different to be together for long. You saw what happened after a couple of days.” 

Jennifer looked at me and scooted back to the headboard.  “So what are you going to do?”

I really didn’t want to get into this anymore. Why the hell couldn’t Jen just leave it alone? “I’m not going to do anything, Jen. She’s leaving and that’s that.”

Jen snapped at me. “I still think she’s coming back.” My niece curled up tighter as she put her chin on her knees. “Alice said that if anyone could make you happy Sunny would. So why don’t you want to marry her?”

What was wrong with this kid, anyways? Wasn’t she listening? “Jennifer, I never said anything about getting married to Sunny. I was talking about Sunny leaving…” I looked at the clock, “…in about an hour and fifteen minutes.” Shit, we had to hurry if she was to make her plane.

Jen’s eyes narrowed down into a squint as she looked at me. “Sure I do but...”

I really didn’t want her to finish the sentence but I couldn’t help myself. It was kind of like a knock-knock joke. One person said knock-knock.  Out of pure reflex you say, who’s there? As soon as you do you know it’s going to be a very bad joke and you just walked into it. So I said, “But what?”  Talk about walking into it.

“You need a wife and you’re getting older.” 

All I could do was stare at this seven-year-old. Where did she get that? I thought I was already there. “Wait a minute Jen, you were the one wanting Sunny to marry me so I could adopt you? What do you do? You pick a fight with her and call her names.

Jen stared at me with her hazel eyes. “It’s all your fault. I hate you too!

 I was very confused.  There was something about her that told me she wasn’t really mad at me. “Tell you what? Get dressed and we’ll take Sunny to the airport and then we’ll get something to eat and talk about it. Okay?”

“NO!” Jen yelled at me. “I’m not going” There was no real anger in her voice. She hadn’t moved from the head of the bed. Her arms were still around her knees and her chin rested there. There had to be something else going on.

“It wasn’t really a question, Jen. Get ready, NOW,”I barked at her. “We’re leaving in ten minutes.”

I walked back to my room and looked in. Sunny/Agnes was sitting at the foot of the bed. She had put on a lime green version of the uniform she wore the first time. As warm as the color was and no matter how it molded to her body something was missing. I didn’t see the fire or brilliance in her blue eyes. She was in the middle of removing what was left of her makeup.

As she wiped it away, she looked at me. I could still see tears in her eyes and sadness in the way she sat there. “Gene, I’m sorry. I had no idea about any of this. Alice said you went to Vietnam a long time ago and something happened there. I’m sorry about loosing your...girlfriend like that.”

I didn’t want to start this all over again. It was too painful the first time. So what did I do? I hurt her again.  “Jen will be ready in a couple of minutes. I’ll take your bag out to the car.” I grabbed the handle and pulled it out to the driveway. 

As I had asked, Jennifer came out of her room as Sunny stood waiting at the front door. Everyone got in without saying a word. Jen was wearing a blue and yellow top that reminded me of my old high school colors. Then came the black shorts. Even in the boys department Jen had a problem finding the right size.

It was the shortest and the quietest ride to the airport ever. I don’t know what they were thinking but I was finding it hard not to say something. I wanted to explain to Jen, once again, what was going on. I looked over at Sunny/Agnes. She was sitting straight in her seat looking forward with her eyes closed. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t anyone's fault. It was just something that just would not happen.

Suddenly there was the entrance to the airport and just as quickly I pulled up to the National departure area. Even before I put the Oldsmobile in park, my ex-lover had her hand on the door handle. “We’re coming in Sunny.” I decided that, for some reason, Agnes didn’t live here anymore.

She turned to me and looked at me with her blue eyes,” Why? I know this airport as well as any other.” Her eyebrows furrowed into a frown. “I’m pretty sure I can find my way to the gate. If I can’t I’ll ask a friend, like Evee.”

Sure it was a slam at me but as things went it could have been worse, a lot worse. I had just turned her dream upside down. “I know, Agnes, but we want to.”

“What ever floats your boat.” Agnes jerked the handle, opened the door and walked out.

I went around to the back of the car and pulled out her bag. Sunny grabbed it out of my hand and walked through the glass doors. I took Jen’s hand and followed. 

Jen squeezed it and I looked down. 

“Agnes?” She whispered up at me.

“I’ll tell you later,” I promised. 

She really did know where she was going because, all too soon, the gate for the JFK flight was staring me in the face. She just stood there looking at it. I looked down at Jen and she was staring at the back of her head, just like I was. There was Evee was at the desk checking something with the ramp agent. I wondered if she ever went home. She was so busy with what was in front of her she didn’t even see her friend.

I was so busy looking at Evee and what was going on that I missed what was going on right in front of me. I suddenly looked down as Sunny, no that wasn’t right, as Agnes stood facing me. She was looking up into my eyes as she clenched her hands in front of her. “I wish,” she told me. Her voice was tight with emotion. “I wish..” she started again, “...there was some way I could make all of this go away and start over.” She looked down at her hands. “I wish I could wrap my arms around you and never let you go, but I can’t. I wished for a lot of things, Gene, but you’re not the Master of my heart I’ll never get the chance to prove it. I wanted to be with you the only way I know how.” 

I looked at her wanting to say something but didn’t. I could feel Jen standing next to me. The more Sunny talked the more I’d have to explain to Jennifer. I could feel myself weakening as she stood there. Agnes waited for an answer, a hug, a goodbye, something. Instead, I gave her nothing. 

The realization that I wasn’t going to even talk to her finally broke her. The tears started to fall again. Agnes shook her head and looked down at Jennifer. With the same gracefulness she had shown at the side of my bed, she crouched down in front of my niece.

I looked down as the two of them stared at each other. The tears were still falling down Agnes face. “Jennifer?” Agnes whispered to her. It was so quiet I could barely make out the words. “We could have had fun, you and me. I wanted to be your friend and maybe even your big sister, but you wanted more.” My...what was she now? She wasn’t my lover and not even my friend. In three weeks I’d see her one more time then she would be the memory she talked about. Who ever, or what ever, she was now kneeled there. As she bowed her head as she told Jen, “You wanted me to marry Gene and be your mother. You wanted me to do PTA and bake cookies for you.” She raised her head just in time to see Jennifer wipe the first of many tears. “That’s not me Jen. You have this idea that everything around you and people are like your dolls and the bears in your room. You think all you have to do is move them around a little and they’ll do what you want.”

Jen looked at her. The sniffling had started. I knew Jen’s nose had started to run. “No it’s not,” Jen pleaded. “It’s not like that. I wanted Gene to be happy.” Then there was a deeper sound as Agnes pulled a tissue from her pocket and brought it to her own nose. 

Why couldn’t this woman just leave us alone?

“Yes it is. I knew someone once when I was a little older than you are. He was a lot older. I wanted so many things to happen, just like you read in stories. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I even wanted to be his wife. I played with my dolls and pretended they were us. Suddenly he was gone and I cried for weeks. I can’t do that again.”

Jen looked at the blond kneeling in front of her. “Why?”

That was my question as well.

“I’m not a toy you can just move around, neither is your uncle. You’re playing a dangerous game and I quit!” Agnes looked up at me then back at Jen. “Did you hear me? I quit, you win, Jennifer. I hope the two of you will be very happy together. I’m not playing your game anymore” 

As she rose to her feet, with the same gracefulness, I don’t know if she heard Jen whisper, “I don’t wanna win, Sunny. I’m sorry.”

I do know that Sunny turn around, took the handle of her bag, and walked to the gate door. During this farewell, if you can call it that, Evee had finally spotted us. She waited behind the check-in counter till Agnes made her move to the door then joined her.

As I watched them go through the door I felt a tug on my hand. I looked down to see the tears still falling down my niece’s cheeks. “I’m sorry, Uncle Gene. I didn’t want her to go.”

I kneeled down to be close to my niece. I slowly took both of her hands in mine. They were wet with her tears. “It just wasn’t going to happen, Jen. It’s not your fault.”

The tears had slowed as I took my thumb and stroked her cheek. I looked at my niece and wondered what was in store for us. No matter what Jen was there. She was always there. I’d forgotten everything that was said in her bedroom. I’d forgiven the hash words as soon as they were out of her mouth.  “Uncle Gene? Jennifer asked.

“Yes, Jen?”

“What now?” Her hazel eyes looking at me. 

“Lunch then home, I guess. Unless there’s something else you want to do?”

I barely noticed the shake of her head. That’s okay, I guess.” I saw her look down then to either side before answering. “But are you going to get another girlfriend?”

I looked at her as she stared back, waiting. “I suppose so, why?” With everything that had happened this ought to be good, I thought.

“You seemed happier when Sun...Agnes was your girlfriend.” Jen had used her real name for the first time. “Even when she was gone you were more fun than before. I don’t know how to explain it.”

I looked at my niece very closely, from the red eyes from all the crying, the runny nose to the beautiful hazel eyes. She was getting taller, again. I sighed a little, as it seemed like we went shopping almost every weekend. She wasn’t looking for something new but for something the next size up. I smiled to myself, what else was a boyfriend supposed to do but buy stuff for his girlfriend.

“You explained it very well, Jen. I guess I will find someone eventually. But not now and not until your birthday. Okay?”

“Sure, Gene.” 

The little smile Jen gave me made me feel better. For about two minutes.

Evee came back through the gate and walked up to us. I was hoping for a hello. Instead I got a, “You’ve done enough damage here. You can leave now.”

I stood at the unexpected welcome. “Evee, I can explain. I...” 

“No don’t even try to weasel your way out of this Mister. You’ve hurt one of my dearest friends and now you want to make it better, with me? I don’t think so”, she snarled at me. Her face was turning red as she warned me. “You had your best chance and it just walked on that plane.” Evee’s face grew darker. “You hurt her bad, you bastard. God, here I thought you were different from my ex-husband.” Evee rolled her eyes at me.  “ Now leave.” With all the drama, she could muster Evee pointed towards the exit.

“Wait a minute, Evee I can...” Triple shit didn’t seem to cover it.

She wasn’t through with us, “I said both of you get the hell off my concourse right now. If you don’t I’ll call security.”

I looked down at Jennifer and wondered what Agnes had said to her. It couldn’t of been any worse than what I had said and done. “Let’s go Jen.” I took her hand and walked out to the car.

As we climbed into the car, I felt physically and emotionally drained.  I looked at my niece and wondered what now?  Her face was still wet with tears as she huddled in the corner of the front seat. 

I leaned back in my own seat as fatigue took over. 

“Uncle Gene?”

I must have dozed off, sitting in the car. I looked at Jen and, for an instant, saw Ha’ng Hai. Instead of brown hair and hazel eyes, I saw long straight black hair, brown flawless skin, and piercing black eyes that looked through me and into my soul.

“What is ‘pour toujours‘. It sounds different. Like another language?” 

Double shit, I was talking in my sleep. “It’s French, Jen. It’s a very old Zen poem.

“Zen, what’s that?”

Why couldn’t Ha’ng leave me alone? For years, I hadn’t consciously thought of her. My 
dreams had been free of those wonderful and terrible days. Now I even saw glimpses of her
when I was awake. “It’s part of the Buddhist religion in China and South East 
Asia.”

What does it, whatever you said, mean.”

I looked at my niece then leaned back and closed my eyes. Hang taught me 
Zen poetry in French, the second language of South Vietnam. My two years 
of High School French used to make her laugh. That is until I told her, Je veux vous tenir et aimer pour toujours. Her eyes went wide as it sunk in. “I want to hold you and love you forever.” She understood my French perfectly that day.

She never laughed at how I spoke again.

“It’s a poem about a regular guy who falls in love with a princess named Mori. Because he isn’t royalty they can’t be together and he has to leave. The poem was his final present to her.

“It goes like this, 
L'arbre était stérile des feuilles mais vous avez apporté un nouveau ressort. 
Longues pousses vertes, fleurs verdoyantes, promesse fraîche. 
Mori, si j'oublie jamais ma gratitude profonde à toi, 
Laissez- moi brûler dans l'enfer pour toujours.” 

I took a breath as I realized I told Jen a secret that no one knew. It was a love poem. Lover’s who could not consummate their love. I didn’t know if she knew about Romeo and Juliet, yet, but this was hundreds of years before Shakespeare ever put quill to paper. Until that time no one knew I spoke anything but English. I hoped Jen wouldn’t ask how or why. I always was a terrible liar.  

“What does it mean?”

It was so easy to tell Jennifer the poem Ha’ng taught me. She was a natural born teacher.  All I had to do was repeat what she had taught me. A wrong answer got me a slap on the hand. A correct answer was rewarded by a quick kiss and a giggle. I thought I heard the same giggling in the back of my head. This time it was a comfort to me. 

“It goes like this, Jen:
The tree was barren of leaves but you brought a new spring. 
Long green sprouts, verdant flowers, fresh promise. 
Mori, if I ever forget my profound gratitude to you, 
Let me burn in hell forever.”

I wondered if it was Agnes I was talking about or Ha’ng. I had forgotten, after all these years, about everything she had given to me. They both wanted to give me everything they had. Now both were gone. 

When I got home, I dug out the phone number of the last doctor I’d seen after I left the service. I needed to make an appointment. I never did make the call. I didn’t realize how busy I’d be for the next three weeks.